All language subtitles for Theyre.Watching.2016.1080p

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[ominous music]

♪

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- Just go! Go!
Shit!

- [breathing heavily]

- Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.

Come on, come on.
Sarah, come on.

- This way, this way!
- What do we--

Help us!
- Witch lover!

- Fuck.

- No, no, no.
No, wait.

[upbeat music]

♪

[jet engine rumbling]

[upbeat music]

- Welcome to Moldova--

an affordable gem nestled
in the heart of Eastern Europe,

where the old meets new
in surprising ways.

Meet Becky Westlake,
a successful artist and potter.

After ten years in the hectic
Los Angeles craft scene,

she'’s looking
for some old-world inspiration.

- Running the gallery
has been great,

but I think it'’s time
for a change.

I want to slow down,
focus on my life,

my relationship.

- My name is Goran Potsnik.

I think people know
who I am, but okay.

Professional soccer player.

What else do you want
to know?

- [chuckles]

Goran was cute, athlete,
very different,

but, um, actually I think
that'’s what turned out

to be the nice part--
we'’re very different.

- Well, we met in, uh--
in Lisbon in, um--

in a bar,
and here we are.

- A healthy relationship.

- Becky wants a house where she
can set up her pottery studio,

with enough room left over
to raise a family.

To find a bargain,
Becky has enlisted the help

of local real-estate broker
Vladimir Filat.

- Moldova has
very complicated laws for taxes,

land titles,
religious zoning,

and gypsy prohibitions.

Not to worry.

Vladimir is best broker
in Moldova.

- And as Vladimir says,

"Only broker in Moldova
is best broker in Moldova."

- Moldova'’s beautiful.

It'’s, um,
got a sense of history.

And I want to be
a part of that.

- To find a house
on Becky'’s limited budget,

Vladimir directs them
to the remote farming hamlet

of Pavlovka.

She'’d be trading a modern city of 8 million people

for a rustic village
of 200--

so rustic that
the local legend contends

that there was once
a witch-burning here.

But the people
are much friendlier now.

[European folk music]

♪

A few miles outside of town

is a cottage home right
out of "Hansel and Gretel."

Becky may like
old-world charm,

but does she really know
the difference

between rustic and a wreck?

- No one has lived here
for a long time.

It'’s very remote,
very cheap--

many opportunities
for improvement.

- Well, for the right price,
I don'’t mind doing the work.

- Really?

You can'’t handle
this much work.

This must be
the worst house

in Moldova.

Nobody can fix this.

- [chuckles]
Come.

[upbeat music]

♪

Bedroom.
- Small.

I guess families were closer
back in the day.

♪

- How about some drinks?

- The interior needs
some work,

but the bones of this old house are strong.

- [chuckles]

Voilà.

- Oh, this is seriously feral.

- I see media room.

- What is this--
an outhouse?

- It is a bread oven--
very traditional.

- Oh, God.

I could turn this into a kiln
for my pottery.

- Yes.
This is what I thought as well.

- This is good for spanking, no?
- [chuckles]

[cat screeches, men shouting]

- [gasps]
What was that?

- It'’s, uh, in Moldova,
good luck.

- And there'’s one last surprise
under the master bedroom--

a cellar
with hidden potential.

- This used to be
wine cellar originally,

but I thought maybe you want
to use as pottery studio.

- Oh, my.
I could entertain down here.

What is this?

- It'’s a pit for, uh, stomping
grapes, for making wine.

- Hot tub.
Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

- Is that--what is that,
a painting?

- Perhaps, uh, artist
lived here before,

much like yourself.

- I like it.

I like it all.

- You'’re serious?

- Becky'’s clearly taken on
a big challenge,

but this artist promises
renovation magic.

After the break,
we return to Pavlovka

six months later
to see the transformation.

[upbeat music]

- What?
No.

She actually
bought that place?

This house is
a literal nightmare.

What could she have possibly
done with it in six months?

- That'’s what we'’re here
to find out.

- I bet you any money
she hasn'’t done a goddamn thing.

It happens--
it happens all the time.

[horn blaring]
Fuck off!

There was this chick
in Portugal, this blonde.

We went back six months later.

You know, she bought one
of these wrecks.

We go back there,
and she has literally not

fixed up one single thing.
- No way.

- It was a complete disaster.
- She had not changed one thing

about the place in six months.
- It was horrible.

- So that made for a really
spectacular episode reveal,

I can tell you.

That being said, very nice,
uh, bikini pics on Facebook.

- What?
- Very nice.

- Wait. Are you Facebook friends
with the buyers?

- Uh, it sometimes happens.
Sometimes happens.

Only the chicks, however.

- How long does it usually take
for them to unfriend you?

- Yeah, that'’s
a very good question.

Uh, how about
you unfriend this, dick?

- Whatever.

- Alex, this is a $40,000
camera, man, come on.

- Oh, my God.
I'’m sure it'’s fine.

- I swear to God, it was like
searing daggers

come shooting
out of her eyes.

- What?
Kate seemed nice.

- [chuckles] She seemed nice?
- Yes.

- Have you actually met
this woman?

- Yes. My Uncle Wallace
introduced me

to her,
like, three years ago.

- Right, okay.
See, this is fascinating.

Uh, speaking of nepotism,
actually,

and on behalf of those who
actually earned their jobs...

- Alex, you know what?
Back off. Not cool, man.

- What we we were wondering
was, out of curiosity,

what does starting salary
for the boss'’s niece'’s family--

- Alex.
- What? Dude, be cool, please.

All right?
Don'’t go special forces on me.

We'’re not
in Afghanistan, man.

- Afghanistan?

Greg, did you fight
in Afghanistan?

- Uh, no, the only thing
that man shot

in Afghanistan
was the news.

What?

Yeah, okay.

I'’m going
on a Doina run.

- What was that about?
- Nothing.

I just, uh--I was an embedded
cameraman in Afghanistan.

It'’s boring. I just don'’t want
to talk about it.

Look at this.
Unbelievable.

- Oh, my gosh.
- What?

- Okay, it'’s fine.
There'’s a big bug.

- [chuckles]
- It'’s kind of cute. It'’s fine.

This seat
is dramatically unsafe.

- Right. Where'’s, like,
Ralph Nader when you need him?

- Who?
- They'’re sold out of Doina.

What kind of hick, backwater gas
station sells out of Doina?

What is the point
of a gas station

if it does not have Doina
is what I want to know.

- How long is it gonna
take us to get to Pavlovka?

- You in a hurry
or something?

- Yeah, doesn'’t everybody dream
of being a production slave?

- I swear to God,
Kate is going to slap that smile

off your face so fast,
you have no idea.

- Oh, God.
How much you want to bet--

$20 she'’s already pissed
that we'’re late.

- She'’s not gonna be
pissed at us.

She took an earlier flight.

She can'’t be mad at us for that.
- Oh, yeah.

You keep
telling yourself that

while you'’re crying yourself
to sleep at night.

Hold on, guys.
World'’s biggest pothole.

[thud]

- Careful, man.
She'’s sleeping.

- Be ca--
Oh, I'’m sorry. I'’m sorry.

Is the princess sleeping?

Then I'’ll just--
I'’ll just make sure

there'’s no more potholes
in the roads.

Beautiful Moldova.

The poorest country
in all of Europe.

The average Moldovian
believes in vampires,

lives in a tin shed,
apparently,

and has an average
of four teeth.

- You are mean.

- Moldovinites
don'’t just enjoy

record-setting rates
of tuberculosis.

They'’re also
the world'’s heaviest drinkers,

pounding back more than
8 gallons of alcohol per year.

That'’s six times
the world'’s average.

♪ Just driving
through a shitty town ♪

♪ In a shitty van

You can get in on this
if you want.

- Uh, what is
the Pavlovka National Anthem?

Do we have one?

- That is the
Pavlovka National Anthem.

I was just singing it.
- ♪ Everything is brown

♪ In Pavlovka

- Oh, my God, Greg, look,
it'’s your mom.

- [laughing]
You'’re a fucking asshole.

- Would it be--would it be
awkward if I hit on your mom?

Here'’s the local
Stalin impersonator.

- This is, like,
the longest drive ever.

- I don'’t even know
what to do about this.

I mean, who has the right
of way here--me or the horse?

Welcome
to the Pavlovka Ritz.

- This is it?

[car doors open]

- Get someone over here

and take care of the fucking
cockroach in my room.

- Hey, come on,
let'’s do this, man.

- This is gonna be fun.
- Are you telling him?

- Yes, yes, yes.
- Good.

- [speaking native language]

- He says,
"Step on it yourself."

- Step on it?
Step on it?

It'’s bigger
than my fucking foot.

- Kate?

- Maintenance man will not
be here for hour.

- Jesus Christ, where the fuck
have you guys been?

- All right, before you freak
out, three-hour delay in Berlin.

- Kate, you'’ve met
Wallace'’s niece.

- No, it says that
you'’re on time

right here on the Website.

- Yeah,
and the flight was great.

Thanks for asking, Kate.
- Oh, fuck.

The fucking Internet here
is fucking retarded.

- Kate, Kate, Kate.
- Fuck!

- Relax. It'’s Pavlovka.

The cell phone service is,
uh, not so good.

And who is this
wonderful woman here?

I have not met you.

- Oh, no.
Hi. My name'’s Sarah.

- I am Vladimir.
It'’s a pleasure.

- Nice to meet you,
Vladimir.

- I, uh, have a little,
uh, gift for you.

Pick a card, any card.

It'’s your lucky day.

It'’s Vladimir.

Everybody knows me

because I make your dream house
appear like magic.

- Jesus Christ, whatever.
- Ah, thank you.

- Just check them in.
- Fancy.

- Okay.
Here, take a card.

- Why are you standing around,
dummies?

Go unpack the van.

- Achtung, achtung.

Unpack ze van, schwein.
Do it.

- Why are you still filming?
- Ah, memory cards are cheap.

I don'’t want to miss a shot.

- Oh...my...God.

- All right,
it breaks down like this.

Greg is camera one.

When sound is not a priority,
I am camera two.

Your job is primarily

to fetch us batteries,
memory cards, stuff like that.

- Keep our walkies refreshed.
- Et cetera, et cetera.

- Um, when do I get
to shoot something?

- Do you know
how to use a camera?

- Yes, I took a lot
of film classes in college.

- Oh. Oh, my God. Greg, she--she
took film classes in college.

I'’m--I'’m--I'’m so sorry.

I didn'’t know we had an expert
on the crew, so...

When you'’re not being
our fetch monkey,

you can be camera three.

You drop this thing, it is
$1,500 out of your paycheck.

- Okay.
- Okay, it'’s 2K, waterproof...

[camera chimes]
Even shoots night vision.

- Night vision?
- Yeah.

- For "Home Hunters Global?"

- Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
[snaps fingers]

- What does that mean?

- Yeah, what
does that mean, Alex?

- It means, you know,
in case somebody

wants to hook up
with the buyers.

- Yeah, '’cause--
[chuckles]

They'’re definitely not going
to want to be able

to see them
when he'’s hooking up with them.

- Oh. Oh, see?
He'’s very mean.

You thought he was so nice,
but he'’s so mean.

And this is why I love him,
'’cause he'’s a meanie.

- He loves my inner asshole.
- So much.

This is called a boom pole.

It'’s not to be taken internally,
if you catch my drift.

- Oh, so you guys haven'’t heard
of sexual harassment, then, huh?

- [imitating Vladimir]
What happens in Moldova

stay in Moldova.

- Small cameras,
um, very versatile--

we use these for window mounts,
car mounts,

um, chest mounts,
if you are so inclined.

- Chest mounts?
For hooking up with the buyers?

- No, for hooking up
with the crew members.

- [chuckles]

- No, this is actually
for maybe, theoretically,

recording Kate
when she'’s screaming at you,

and hopefully
we can get her fired.

- Let'’s see
if we can figure this out.

- Are we gonna put it on?

- Yeah, just kind of hold it
over here.

- Okay.
Can you see that?

- No, I think it'’s great.
- Mm-hmm.

- All right,
let'’s get kitted up, all right?

We need to, uh, get
some B-roll

of donkeys, cobblestone,
that sort of thing.

- You know how Kate
loves donkeys.

- Yeah.
- Donkeys, really?

- What? I don'’t mean,
you know, real donkeys.

I mean, you know, men who are
hung like real donkeys.

- Yep, I got it.

- That'’s good. Just relax.
Let the camera be your eyes.

- I'’ve done this before.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.

And she'’s got the
student loans to prove it.

- Oh, boy,
look at this one.

[folksy music]

- Ah, now, you see
that really sexy,

healthy-looking American
couple in the window?

- Yes.
- Yeah? Don'’t.

That goes for all crew,
all right?

Especially Kate.

If Kate sees herself
in a fucking shot,

she'’ll slit your throat.

That goes for car windshields,
mirrors,

I don'’t know, wishing wells--
it doesn'’t matter.

- Okay.
- Nothing ruins the illusion

of television like catching
the man behind the curtain.

- Or woman.
- Or--Yeah, whatever.

- We'’re done with this, right?

Can I just--
I can just get rid of it.

- Oh, I feel like these houses
are looking at me.

- All right,
pan down to me.

Come on, Film School,
that'’s way too fast.

Anything quicker than
an optic foot per second,

people at home
are gonna start throwing up.

Nice and slow,
nice and steady.

Nice and...

Friendly.

Come closer, come closer,
come closer, come closer.

- Okay,
now it'’s just awkward.

Somebody had onions for lunch,
obviously.

- Back off, back off.

- Okay.
- That'’s it.

All right.

Now follow.
Here we go.

- I got it.

- Follow, follow, follow.
- I got it. I'’m following.

- And stop!
- [chuckles]

- Sorry, sir.
- I think she'’s a pro.

- No, man, no.
She went to film school.

And God said,
"Let there be Doina."

- [laughs]
- Doina.

♪ Doina,
I'’ll give you Doina ♪

♪ Baby, you want Doina?

♪ Give you some Doina, babe

♪ What you got there, baby?

♪ I got some Doina, baby

- This is not one single
Starbucks in this entire town.

How do they live
without caffeine?

- This is important.

- Kate is going to be
so mad at us.

- No, you have to be
in the middle.

- Five, six, seven, eight.

And two and back, back,

kick, shuffle,
shuffle.

- Doina!
- Doina!

Is mine upside down?
It is. Shit.

Doina!

Oh, shit.
[laughing]

Ladies and gentlemen,
the President of Moldova.

Your Excellency?
No?

[dog barking in the distance]

"Yeah, so, like,
this is pretty much

"how we filmed the Blackhawks
in Afghanistan.

It'’s pretty fucked-up shit."

"Greg, you know, you should
just maybe just--

"just bend me over now
and fuck me.

Fu--Yeah, just fuck me like
you fucked the Taliban."

Dude, you'’re
in the shot, man.

Ah, you are selling weed.

What a coincidence
because I am buying weed.

Guys?
- Yeah?

- I'’m going to, um,

I'’m gonna go shoot some stuff
in the market.

both: Okay.
- Okay.

Eat a dick.

[bell tolling]

- Did you get me in the shot?
- Oh, sorry.

- Listen, let'’s, uh...

[knocking in the distance]

This is great.

This is local color.
Come on, let'’s go.

- Greg, look, it'’s your mom.
- [chuckles]

Let'’s just keep walking.

[knocking continues]

- [speaking native language]

- Without the cameras?
- [speaking native language]

- We can'’t have cameras.
Okay, that'’s no problem.

We'’ll just, uh--
we'’ll drop them off.

That'’s fine. That'’s okay.
Yeah.

Sarah?
[knocking continues]

Sarah?

It'’s fine. Let'’s just, uh--
let'’s just turn this off, okay?

- Are you sure
this is a good idea?

- Yeah. This is the sort
of thing Kate wants.

Okay, that'’s--that'’s fine.
It'’s off, okay?

Thank you.

[choir chanting]

♪

- This place is so cool.

- Yeah, look at those--

Look at the fresco
on the wall over there.

- Are they burning her?
- Shh.

- 3:00 on a Wednesday,
these people are in church.

That'’s crazy.
- What is that painting?

- I don'’t know.

- [speaking native language]

- Oh, fuck,
it'’s a funeral.

- Oh, my gosh,
those are kids.

- Shh.

- [speaking native language]

- That'’s three kids.

Greg, we should--I think
we should get out of here.

Greg?

- [continues speaking
native language]

[all chanting]

- I don'’t have a good feeling
about this. Can we just--

[censer rattling]

[whispering]
Greg?

- [speaking native language]

[walkie-talkie crackles]

- What the fuck
are you two fucktards doing?

I told you two
to get some B-roll.

- How do I turn this thing off?
- What, are you at a bar?

- Greg, I don'’t know.
I can'’t turn this thing off.

- Get your fucking ass back
here--

- I'’m sorry.
We didn'’t realize it was--

- Greg!
[all shouting]

- Get the fuck off me!

[all shouting
in native language]

- [gasps]
Greg, watch out!

- [shouting in native language]

- Sarah, get over here.
- Okay.

We'’re sorry, sir,
but those men were--

- Sarah, just stop it.

- These people are upset

that you have filmed

something which is

very personal.

I have explained to them
that you did not understand...

Which is not true.

You should go now.

- Okay, thank you.
- Come on.

- All right.
- Thank you.

- [speaking native language]

- Sarah.

Hey.

Thank you.

Let'’s go.
Keep walking.

Let'’s go.
Turn around and keep going.

Keep going.
Sarah, go, go, go, go, go.

- It'’s called
"The Biggest Donkey."

You take donkeys
from villagers around county.

They feed the donkeys
as much as possible

for three months.

At the end of three months,
they weigh the donkeys.

The one with the biggest donkey
wins all donkeys.

He'’s very rich man now.

- Yeah, yeah.
I will pitch that to Wallace

as soon as I get home.

- Yes, you get finder'’s fee.

Clever idea
for reality show.

- Where the fuck
have you guys been?

- We just accidentally
filmed a funeral.

- Jesus Christ.
- Ay.

- We almost got beat up.

It was three kids.
- Three?

These people--they don'’t believe
in immunization.

- Why didn'’t you just tell them
you'’re Americans?

- 40 hours, guys.

That'’s when our plane leaves.

We need to be at Becky'’s
getting exteriors.

- All right, then let'’s go.
Come on.

- I teach you famous song.
- Enough sitting around.

- Jesus Christ.
Fuck.

- I teach you song
on the way.

- Is it about donkeys?
- It'’s happy.

[humming]
♪ Hey!

Sing with me.
Come, sing.

- Why--why are you
coming with us?

- Because in last six months,

Becky and I have become,
uh, good friends.

We'’re very close.
- I wonder what--

I wonder what she'’s done
with the place.

- You know what I hope?

I hope that
she'’s fixed up the barn.

You remember that barn, Kate?

That was a great barn.

Actually, Greg,
come to think of it,

you should take Sarah
out to see the barn,

'’cause she'’d like that.

I think she'’d probably
really like that.

[humming noisily]

- She is out
in the boonies.

- [continues humming noisily]

- Alex, shut the fuck up!

[sighs]

- [humming quietly]
- Jesus.

♪

- Oh, my God.

- Vladimir, is it, like,
National Ax Day?

What the fuck is this?
- Hi, homey.

- This is, uh, villagers.

They are probably just...
- What the fuck was that?

- They go--they go out,
they chop wood.

It'’s for fireplace.

Right here.

- Oh, wow.
- See it?

- Oh, my gosh.
- Wow.

- Wow.
- Oh, my God.

- It'’s beautiful.
Easy fix.

- She'’s really fixed it up.

- Wait. Are you sure
this is the right house?

- [laughing]

- I thought
you were coming earlier.

- [sighs] Me too.
Look at this.

- Alex, Greg,
I'’m so happy to see you guys.

- Hey.
- Becky.

Holy shit! This is amazing.
- Thank you.

- Hi. Wow. This is quite
a transformation.

- Thanks.
- Becky.

[chuckles]
- Vladimir, right?

- Yes. She kids.
- Becky, this is Sarah.

She'’s, uh--she'’s new.
She just joined us.

both: Hi.
- Nice to meet you.

Oh!
[chuckles]

Your house looks great.
- Thank you.

- Is Goran here yet?

- Um, no.
He'’s actually, um, traveling.

So he'’s not going to be here
for a few days.

I know he'’s sorry
he missed you guys.

- No Goran?

That sucks, '’cause he was just
a really nice guy.

- How does it look, Greg?

Do we have enough light
to shoot?

- No, Kate, I'’m sorry.

We'’re not shooting
"Ghost Hunters Global."

- That'’s funny.
That'’s very funny.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- All right,
let'’s get back in the van.

- No, no, no.
No, you guys came all this way.

Um, just come in
for a minute.

I have Starbucks.
- [gasps]

- Our viewers love it

when a fixer-upper
comes together like this.

- Well, I really couldn'’t have
done any of this without Goran.

He'’s done so much...

and not just with the house.

I feel like
now that we'’re together,

he'’s, um--he'’s helped me become
who I was really meant to be.

- You know, two years I spent on
a Canadian home-renovation show,

and they never got anywhere
close to this level of work.

You and--you and Goran
should be really, really proud.

- Well, if you guys like
what I'’ve done with the kitchen,

I can'’t wait to show you
the cellar.

- All right,
let'’s check it out.

- Oh, that will have to wait
until tomorrow.

It'’s getting late, and we need
to get back to town.

- Kate, come on.
- You know the roads. Let'’s--

- No, I just saw you
looking at him a little bit.

If you think he'’s cute,
you should go for it.

- I work with him.
- Sarah, let'’s go!

I want dinner in bed
so we can come back here early.

- Okay, will you show me
your pottery tomorrow, Becky?

- Sure.
- Sarah!

- Okay.
I'’m coming!

- In Moldova, they say,
"If you do not like weather,

you wait ten minutes."

It'’s rain, sun, snow,
all in same day.

- You guys,
Becky was so nice.

- You know, it'’s a shame
you didn'’t meet Goran,

because he'’s
a real people-pleaser.

- Alex.
[horn blares]

[all shout]
- Jesus Christ!

- Sorry.
- Oy!

- Watch it, Alex.
- Sorry.

- [chuckles]

- Great fucking day, guys.

- Okay, we go to
nice restaurant for dinner.

We meet in lobby
in 50 minutes.

It'’s time for shower.
Come.

- I'’d say it'’s time
for a shower.

You are overdue.

- Oh, am I early,
Mr. Abernathy?

I thought we had your interview
scheduled for 7:30.

- Sarah, we still have
30 minutes.

- Oh, that'’ll be
plenty of time.

I only have
a few questions.

- To sleep!
- [chuckles]

- You can try to sleep,
but I'’m not going away

until I get my story.

Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Mr. Abernathy,
that is quite unexpected.

May I ask you what the
circumstances were behind this?

- Well, the, uh--the terms
of the settlement agreement

prohibit
my mentioning specifics,

but, um, there
might have been, uh...

an altercation.

- An altercation?

- Between myself
and Mr. Torini,

during which Mr. Torini'’s eye
may have become--

- Wait, wait, wait.
You punched Alex?

[chuckles]
Oh, my gosh.

[laughs]

- So, Miss Ellroy,
viewers are dying to know,

to what do you ascribe

your meteoric rise
in the film world?

- Oh, well, um,
my unique vision

comes from a lifetime
of suffering, naturally.

I, uh--I had to fall back
on my safety school

when Harvard refused me
my private parking space

for my BMW.

- Oh.

- It was terrible.
- The--the fools.

- Fools!

I don'’t like to talk about it,
really, so next topic.

- Moving on from tragedy...
- Moving on.

- I hear that your stunning
documentary work

has made you
the toast of Moldova.

- [laughs]

Well, as they say,

"Only filmmaker in Moldova
best filmmaker in Moldova."

- I'’ve heard this about Moldova.
- [laughs]

You'’re staring.

- I am, yeah.

- You like having
the camera on.

- I don'’t want to miss
anything.

- Like what?

[soft music]

♪

Um, what is all this news
about Goran?

- [laughs]
Seriously?

- [laughs]
Yes.

- All right, um,
okay.

You want to--
Um, come on, I'’ll show you.

- Okay.

I won'’t.

- Not even--not even, like,
one single breath.

If you--if you say one thing
to Kate and you get us fired,

I-I will--I don'’t even know
what I'’ll do.

I will--I will sell you
to Vladimir is what I'’ll do.

- Girl Scouts honor.

- She'’s a Girl Scout,
on top of everything else.

This is amazing.

- Now, just remember, you wanted
to see this, all right?

- Okay.
[key clacks]

[frog croaking]

[can sprays]

- Oh, look at that.

Hey, little guy.
Hey, little guy.

- Hey, man,
have you seen Goran anywhere?

I need him for his interview.

- No, I haven'’t seen him.
Go ask what'’s-his-face--

Disco Dracula.

Oh, oh.

- Disco Dracula.

Hey, man.
- Greg, my good friend.

How can Vladimir
be helping?

- Uh, I'’m looking for Goran.
Have you seen him anywhere?

- I think I see Goran
and your producer in barn.

Come, I take you.

So, uh...

Alex tells me, uh,
you were in Afghanistan.

- He does, huh?
Alex has a big mouth.

- The reason I ask is because
I have friends

who can get things
into Romania.

And if you have friends
maybe get things

out of Afghanistan,
we ca--

We can--
[speaks native language]

- Vladimir, are you asking me
to smuggle heroin for you?

- Is camera on?

I--Vladimir would never
suggest such a thing.

- This ain'’t on, man.
Film'’s expensive.

I wouldn'’t just be
rolling it like that.

- [laughs]

Think about it.
It'’s all I ask, huh?

- [moaning]

- Oy, whew.
- Hey, Kate--

- Oh, Jesus, Greg!
- God!

- Get the fuck
out of here!

Get out of here!
- I'’m so sorry.

- Fuck! Turn around!
- No, no.

- What the fuck are you doing?
[speaking native language]

- Goran, don'’t--
- Hey!

What the fuck
are you doing, man?

- Nothing.
- What the fuck is this?

- It'’s nothing.
- What?

It'’s not even on.
- What'’s okay?

What the fuck is this?
- The camera is not on.

We were just talking
about this.

It'’s not on.
- It'’s not on. It'’s fine.

- [speaking native language]

- I just need you
for an interview.

- Fuck off.

[men laughing]

- That'’s the face.
That is why I do this.

- It'’s fucking awesome.
- It is for that face.

Your shock sustains us.

- What?
- It'’s a beautiful thing.

- [laughs]

- I can'’t believe
you guys didn'’t get fired.

- What--
- We get fired?

Why would we get fired?

She'’s the one--got soccer
dick up her snooze-hole.

- What do you think
she'’s going to tell

your Uncle Wallace
back in New York--

that I walked in on her
fucking the buyer'’s boyfriend?

I mean, come on.
- Pfft. Wha--

- This is, like--
this is our--

this is our
"get out of jail free" card.

And we only show it to pretty
much everybody we meet, so...

- Yeah, only--
only pretty much everybody.

- What would she have done

if Goran would have
been there today?

- She would have been fine.
She'’s a total pro.

She just
would have been like...

- Stop!
- Goal!

- Okay, can you just--
Wait.

Can you come here and play

this, like, last part
just one more time?

- Why?
Is it working for you?

Is this getting you hot?
- No, there was--Can you--

There'’s just, like,
something that'’s bugging me.

[knock at door]
- Yeah?

- Dinner, dummies, let'’s go!
- We'’re coming.

- All right, Kate.
- Next time. Sorry, pervo.

- Uh...
- Let'’s go eat.

- Oh. Well, you guys,
what am I gonna do

with this, like, laptop?

Okay, wait up, guys.

- [speaking native language]

- Um, I'’m sorry, ma'’am,
could you--

- [speaking native language]

And now...go!

Now go home!

Go!

- What the frig?

You guys, did you see
that old lady upstairs?

- Oh, my God, finally.
We'’re starving.

Come on, guys, let'’s go.
She'’s here.

- Did you guys not see her?
- Hey, Sarah, come on, let'’s go.

- Greg, that lady that was
your mom was upstairs again.

- It doesn'’t matter.
- Let'’s go.

- Come on.
We haven'’t eaten since Berlin.

- Rugul in Flacari--
best restaurant in town.

Of course, only restaurant
is best restaurant, huh?

Come.
- What'’s it--what does it mean?

- It means
"The Burning Steak."

- Okay, good enough for me.

- They'’re going to burn
my steak.

All right.
- What?

- Table, please.
- This--this is the table.

- This is the table.
- Hi, buddy.

- Shit. Greg, those are the guys
who were at the church.

- Just sit down.
Don'’t worry.

[clears throat]
Just don'’t make eye contact.

- Dude, dude.
How about those guys, huh?

- Don'’t.
- They look like cool guys.

- Shh.
- Let'’s just order some food.

Can you get the waitress?
- [speaking native language]

- Vodka, vodka, vodka, vodka.
- Vodka all around.

- Uh, yeah.
- All right.

- Sarah, get in on this.
- Becky'’s tomorrow,

Amsterdam for three days,
and then God bless us,

back in the States.

- Hey, to the States.
- To the States!

- Fuck that.
To Amsterdam.

- States.
- To Amsterdam.

- Famous Soviet magic trick--
make vodka disappear.

Watch.

Focus pocus, and...
- [laughing] Focus pocus?

- [laughing]

- It'’s disappear!
- I know that trick.

I know that trick. Cheers.
- I'’m a magician too.

- I just had two sevens.
- Two sevens in a row means

bad luck
for the rest of your life.

- Okay, two sevens in a row
means I get to roll again.

- Tzuika, tzuika.

- I would know better
than anybody.

- Oh, my God,
I'’ve had five tzuikas.

Did we eat dinner yet?
- No.

- We haven'’t eaten?
Really? Nothing?

all: Yeah.
- That'’s--Oh, wow.

all: Oh!

- Ho!
- The pride of Humboldt County.

- The food'’s here.
The food'’s here, finally.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my gosh.

that looks so good.

- Thank you.
- Oh, fantastic.

- Oh, I think
that'’s yours, Alex.

- That looks more beautiful.

[woman speaking native language]
- Aha.

- Just like butter.
- What are you talking about?

- Nothing.
I'’ll tell you when you'’re older.

- Ask your father.

- What'’s going on?
- You stop laughing!

You don'’t even know
what'’s going on!

Eat your goat dick
and shut up!

[laughter]

And you stop laughing.

Okay, I'’m rolling.
Let'’s hear it.

- [gulps]
Ahh.

Many years ago...

beautiful woman builds home
outside Pavlovka.

She never bother nobody.

But she is stranger...

and these were
very cautious times.

So one day,
it happens in town.

The cattle get sick.

Children get sick.

People start to die.

Villagers want to know why.

Why is this happening?
Who is to blame?

They don'’t understand germs,
these people.

So here you have
single woman,

beautiful single woman.

She live outside of town.

She never go to church.

And she has black cat.

[glasses rattle]

She must be witch.

[laughing]
Yeah.

- What happened?

- Well, villagers
go to her house.

They tie her to stake.

They burn her alive,
end of story.

Millions times this happens.

- They burned her alive?

- Da.

- Yeah, people suck
all over, man.

That'’s just the way it is.
That'’s just the way it is.

I mean, it'’s no different

than what we did in Salem
in the 1600s.

- Yes, but in Pavlovka,

this happens
only 100 years ago.

100 years only.

- That is awful.

- Eh.
Not really.

It'’s good for business.

- Oh, shit,
the restaurant'’s called

"The Burning Stake."

- [laughing]
Da.

- Oh, "The Burning Stake."
- "The Burning Stake."

- Nasd--nasd--
Nasty.

- Nasty, nasty.

- Nice to know ya.
- Nice to know you.

- Nasdrovia.

Nice to know you.
both: Nasdrovia.

- There'’s no T in "borsch."
- There is a T!

- It'’s "borsch."

- I can'’t believe we'’re having
this conversation.

- Everyone in America
says it with a T, Vladimir.

- No, no, no, no.
You'’re--you'’re wrong.

[men arguing
in native language]

- [laughing]
- Shh.

- The streets are full
of drunks.

- [speaking native language]

Come on, come on,
come on, come on,

- Do you know your back way
to hotel?

- Yes.
- We know the back way.

I only go back way.

I never go front way.
- Shh.

Quiet, you.

[speaking native language]

- Take me to your back way.
- Come, come.

Come on, come on.

- I have to piss
like a tiger.

- It is Friday morning.

We are still in Pavlovka

and check this out.

She'’s been standing there
for, like, 20 minutes.

[ominous music]

[knock at door]
- [gasps]

- Sarah, let'’s go!
- Coming!

- Oh, ho, ho, look who it is.
- Alexi.

- Let'’s just not do that, okay?
- [chuckles]

- Hello! Good day.
- Oh, good morning, Constable.

Sorry about yesterday
at the church. I--

- Just a misunderstanding
between people--

different cultures.

Maybe I visit today?

- Uh...

I--well, I don'’t think
I'’d be the person

to talk to
about that, but--

- Uh, Constable, hi.

I am Kate Banks.
- Hi.

This is my crew.
[chuckles]

I-I know that they can be
a little enthusiastic,

but I assure you we won'’t use
any of the footage

that we shot
in your church.

- [chuckles]
That would be appreciated.

Uh, now I must ask,

will you be finished today?

- Yes, absolutely.

Yes, we would love
to spend more time

in your beautiful town,
but--

- "Oh, we'’d just love to stay
in your beautiful town."

Jesus, Kate.

- What the fuck
did you want me to say?

The guy had a gun.

- [laughing]

Kate, you think like native.
Gun always wins.

- Okay, okay, all right.
Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Okay, I just--
Daddy doesn'’t feel good.

- It sounds like you guys
had so much fun.

I wish I'’d go in town more.

Hey, are you gonna film
absolutely everything?

- Yeah, it'’s just something
we do.

- So we'’ve got six more hours
of good light.

- Oh. [laughs]
- Guys, get set up.

Sarah, you'’re with me.
Come on.

- Okeydoke.

- Becky, I think it'’s great
right by that tree.

- Okay.
- Let'’s get a close-up.

Uh, just be natural.

- Right, okay.
Um...

- [laughing]
Perfect.

- All right, so...
- Okay.

- To camera.
- Okay, fine.

- Do you have
a lot neighbors close by?

- No. My nearest neighbor
is about two miles away.

- And do you have them over?

Do you have dinner parties
with them?

- I think they think
I'’m weird.

Like, who would live
all the way out here

if they didn'’t have to?

- Oh, they don'’t find
country life romantic?

- [chuckles]
Yeah, I guess not.

I have some ferns, of course,
you know?

Um, very hot peppers.

Um, I have, uh, mandrake.

- Mm, growing
some aphrodisiacs, huh?

- Okay, we'’re done.
Sarah.

I know that
you'’re Wallace'’s niece,

but out here,
I'’m you'’re fucking boss.

- I was trying to help.
- Sarah, shut the fuck up.

- Oh, come on, Kate.
- I know that you just graduated

from film school and you think
that you know everything,

but you don'’t, okay?

You don'’t.

And the only way
that you'’re going to learn

is by keeping
your fucking mouth shut

and watching the professionals
do their jobs.

You understand?

Do you understand?

- [breathing heavily]
- Sarah, are you okay?

- Just stay out of her way.
Stick with us for a while.

Let her calm down, all right?

It isn'’t all bad,
I promise.

- Are you guys sure
I'’m not in the way?

- No, you'’re okay.
- Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Yo.

- Are you filming
the cellar now?

- Uh, we'’re not. We'’re gonna
shoot the ground floor

while the light'’s good,
but later, yeah, for sure.

- Okay.

- I promise we'’ll get to it.
- Okay.

- Fucking cutie-patootie.
- Mm-hmm.

- Uh-huh.

- What? Alex, is she your type?
- [chuckles]

- [laughing]
Okay.

- I want to get this fireplace,
but I'’m thinking, like,

hot spot off the window--
it'’s not gonna look good.

- How the fuck
did I do this?

Um, you can just shoot it
from where she'’s standing.

- Yeah?

- Yeah,
it looks great from here.

- I need the reflectors.

- How'’s that?
- That'’s better.

Becky, in your own time.

- And it--it'’s just--

I mean,
the whole house smells warm.

The food comes out, like,
beautifully, just because--

Pump. I don'’t know
if you remember before,

but the water was,
you know,

kind of came out dripping
and kind of green.

And all of this wood here
is salvaged wood,

so everything is getting
a renewed life.

You know?

So Goran did so much
on the outside here--

the staining, detailing,
these slats.

Anyway, um,
if you come inside,

I can show you
some of my work here.

Um, oh, and this fire
I have to tend to constantly.

Placement really matters,
you know?

It'’s not like working
with a commercial kiln at all,

but it'’s really cool,
you know--

uh, go back to the old ways,
be part of tradition.

[frog croaks]
And the best part is,

um, I made myself something
to remind me

of how it was
when we first got here.

And here'’s my little friend.

- Oh, it'’s the cat
from the first segment.

That is so cute.
- Jesus fucking Christ!

Go make yourself useful

and go get me
some B-roll shots, all right?

Shoot some fucking trees,
some cows.

Just get the fuck
out of my face.

- I paid $150,000
at film school

to film trees.

We got it.
We got the B-roll you needed.

We got this big-ass stump.

Want some B-roll
of some stray dogs?

Here you go.

[mocking Kate]
The barn of passion...

transformed from a place
where animals eat

into a warm
and stylish fuckpad.

[chuckles]

[normal voice]
Skank.

Huh.

Looks like Becky
ran out of steam.

[frog croaks]

Oh, hello, señor frog.

[frogs croaking]

Whoa.

[croaking increases in volume]

What the hell is that?

[croaking continues]

[camera whirring]
Ah!

[static hissing]

- Who'’s a good dog?

Who'’s my good boy?

You want to be a TV star?
- Alex?

- [imitating dog talking]
"I do Arrex."

- Alex?
- "I do want to be a TV star."

What'’s up?

- Something'’s wrong
with the camera.

- Oh, great.
Kate'’s gonna love that.

You should go show it
to Greg.

He'’s inside setting up
a shot.

- Okay.
- Good boy want a Doina?

Does a good boy
want a Doina?

What'’s this?
It'’s a Doina.

Yeah.
You don'’t like Doina?

[camera beeps]

- Uh, Greg, there'’s something
wrong with the camera.

- Let'’s take a look.

Did you try turning it
off and on?

Sometimes that works.
- Yes.

[camera chimes]
- Looks like it'’s working.

- It was totally
fritzing out before.

- Yeah.
No, it looks good to me now.

So, uh,
what are you doing later?

- I don'’t know.
I got this thing.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

- What?
- Bumpy ride, bad food.

- Oh, the "bumpy ride,
bad food" thing?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, I got one of those too.

- Yeah.
- How about after that?

- Wasn'’t gonna get this done,
so here we go.

How hard could this be?

[birds squawking]

Uh, excuse me.

Yes, I am Kate Banks,

host and producer
of "Home Hunters Global."

I know.
Oh, I'’ve got more fans.

Okay.
[laughs]

Oh, you guys are so great.

So, uh, what'’s your favorite
part of the show?

- Kate?
[chuckles nervously]

Kate, you--Becky, she wants to
show us something inside.

Come, come, come.
- All right.

- [speaking native language]

- So you guys remember
the wine cellar, right?

- Right, yeah.
- You are not gonna believe

what we found when we
started fixing this all up.

- Cases of wine?

- [laughing]
Yeah.

All right, hold on.

Here we go.

Oh, can you grab
that light?

- Mm-hmm.
- [screaming in the distance]

- What was that?
- What the hell?

- That'’s Alex.

- What'’s going on?
- Alex!

- [grunting]
- Oh, my gosh!

- Get him off me!
[gunshot]

[Alex and Sarah
breathing heavily]

- Oh, my God, Alex, your arm!

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.

Come on, come on, come on.
- Jesus Christ.

- We need a blanket.
The guy'’s going into shock.

- We don'’t have
a fucking blanket.

- Then take off your jacket
and put it over his shoulder!

- What the fuck
did he say about rabies?

- Get him inside.
[indistinct shouting]

- Keep your arm up!
- Doctor?

What kind of hospital is this?
- Here we go.

- I can'’t believe this is
the only doctor in town.

- Only doctor in town
is best doctor in town.

- We should have stayed
and finished the shoot.

- Really, Kate?
With a dead sound tech?

I'’d love to see you
explain that to Wallace.

- Fuck Wallace.
Fuck this.

How am I supposed to do a show
with a bunch of fuckups?

I'’m going to get some air.

- [sighs]
Greg, is he going to be okay?

That was a lot of blood.

- Yeah, I think Alex
is going to be fine.

That wasn'’t...

It wasn'’t that much blood.

- So...

uh, what happened
in Afghanistan?

[door opens]

- Game of badminton,
ladies?

- It lives.
- Are you okay?

- It does,
- Like Lazarus.

- Yeah. No, man, it was gnarly.
Let me tell you something--

this dude right here

has the best painkillers
in the city.

That'’s my boy.

If it'’s good enough for pigs,

it'’s good enough for me,
right, my man?

- Alex, okay.
- Put it up here.

- Thank you very much
for your help.

- That'’s right.
That'’s my boy right there.

Sarah, let'’s get the fuck
out of here.

- That'’s my guy.

I tell you, you haven'’t lived

until you got
a brain full of narcotics

and a belly full
of hog balls, people.

It'’s Heaven.

- These guys are still
staring at us.

- That'’s really good.

- I know. They are big starers
in this town.

- It'’s a little village,
little people.

Naturally curious,
like monkeys.

- Creepy monkeys.

- You know, we could just
order them some drinks.

It'’s cheap, it'’s easy.
- Ah, drinks--this they like.

Good idea.
- Vladimir, make that happen.

- Kellneriza.
Noroc.

all: Noroc!
- Yes.

- Cheers, Noroc.

- Okay, someone'’s getting up.
- Ah, shit.

- Greg?
- [speaking native language]

- Uh, hey, Greg, he only ask
why you filming everything.

- Hey, cheers, you guys.
- Noroc. Noroc.

- See?
Booze buys happiness every time.

all:
Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!

[all cheering]

- Doi, trei,go!

[all cheering]

[all shouting happily]

[all cheering]

- It'’s 3-D! It'’s 3-D!

- Vladimir!
Get some fucking alcohol!

Come on, man.
Hey!

- [muttering indistinctly]

[playing violin]

♪

Hey!

- Holy fucking shit.

[playing violin]
[crowd clapping]

♪

- Hey!

- Whoo! Hey, Vladimir!

- Opa!

Okay, Greg.
Here we go.

[playing "Hungarian Dace #5"]

♪

Ahh!

♪

Alex, help him!
Help him!

Come on,
come on, come on.

Push, push!

Yeah!

Yes! USA! USA!

- You, uh, drunk enough
to tell me about Afghanistan?

You ever gonna talk
to me again?

- Ugh!
- [chuckles]

- Your name again
is Margarita, right?

- Margaretta.

- And you'’re Marga--what?

- Margaretta.
- Margaretta.

That'’s nice.

What? What did she say?
What'’s your name again?

Luma?
- Nozomi.

- Nozomi?
That'’s a nice name.

Nozomi.
Nozomi and Margarita.

So what was I talking about?
Oh, yeah.

I don'’t like her new haircut.
I don'’t think it'’s hot.

- Your earrings are gorgeous.

- Che?

- Uh, Vladimir, how do
I say "gorgeous"?

- Frumoasa.

- Frumoasa.
Yeah.

- Multumesc.
Multumesc.

- You'’re welcome.

- All right, Vlad,
how do I say, uh, "beer"?

- Bere.
- Bere!

- Bere!
- Quatro bere?

- How do I say vodka?

- Quatro bere.
- Quatro bere.

- Vodka. That'’s, like,
international, man.

Everybody knows vodka.
- Wodka? Wodka!

Yes? Hey, wodka!

- How do you say
"bedroom"?

- Dormitor.

[patrons laugh]

- I don'’t want this.
This isn'’t for me.

This is--you got
to give it to her.

- Uh, Valdimir,
how do I say "I'’m sorry"?

- Ime pare rau.

- Ime pare rau.

[whispering indistinctly]

- Sunt un cretin.

- Sunt--
Wait. What?

- Sunt un cretin.

- Sunt un cretin.

- What does that mean?

- It means "I am asshole."

- Um, how do--
how do you say, um...

"Do you have any diseases

that I should
be worried about"?

- Jesus.
How do you say "moron"?

- Prost.

- Prost!We got a big-ass
prostover here.

- Dickwad.
How do you say "dickwad"?

- Prost.
- Cacanar.

- Cacanar!

- Cacanar?
- Cacanar!

I can'’t believe you just
went cacanaron me.

- I went cacanar.
- Fucking prost.

- I'’ve got a good one.

How do you say
"spoiled brat"?

- Rasfatat.

- Rasfatat!

- Oh, that is so mean.
How do you say "witch"?

- Vrajitoare.

- Vrajitoare!

[music cuts off,
patrons stop talking]

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

- Marius!
- Hey!

- [shouting in Romanian]

- All right, let'’s go, guys.
Come on, come on, come on.

- Come on.

[overlapping shouting]

- That was so stupid.

Next time keep
your fucking mouth shut.

- I'’m sorry. I didn'’t mean
to say something like that.

It just--

- It'’s bar. People get drunk.
They fight. It'’s okay.

- No, it'’s definitely
not okay.

Tomorrow we finish up
at Becky'’s,

and we head
straight to the airport.

- Kate, we'’ve all
been there, okay? Just back off.

- I didn'’t come
to this shithole

to get in a stupid
bar fight.

- Yeah, why did we come
to this shithole?

- Ugh!
Greg, are you still filming?

Turn that fucking thing off.

- Bitch.

- [sighs]

- No, they'’ve been here
since this morning.

You guys didn'’t hire them
or anything?

They'’re not--I thought
maybe extras or something.

- Mm-mm.
- Sarah, do me a favor.

Don'’t point the camera
directly at them.

- Okay, sorry.

- Kate, call it, please.

I mean, should we get
in touch with that constable?

What are we doing?

- I have no signal.
- The same.

- Maybe I should just
go talk to them.

- No.
- I'’m sure it'’ll be fine.

- No, let'’s just do our jobs
and get out of here quickly.

Please?
- I agree.

Let'’s shoot it.
Let'’s--let'’s go home.

- Oh, fuck me.
- We'’ll be fast, okay?

- Fine.
- Come on, we can get this done.

- Let'’s do it fast,
and let'’s get out of here

before they go all
"Deliverance" on our asses.

- Uh, Becky do you have
a paring knife?

Big knives look
threatening on camera.

- Oh.
Uh, yeah, of course.

Um...

- Perfect.

- This is--Jeez.

[chuckles]

- Let'’s get a nice shot
of these.

Ooh, that'’s really creepy.
Make sure to get that.

And there'’s a couple of things
I wanted in the bedroom.

- Drop your boom, Alex.

- So I really couldn'’t have done
any of this without Goran.

Here we go.

I'’m so excited to show you.

- Oh, it looks cool.

- All right, come on down.

- I'’m sad I didn'’t
get to meet Goran.

- I know, but his plane
doesn'’t even get in

till tomorrow.

- Holy crap, Becky!
- Oh, my God!

- Holy shit.
- This is great.

Did you paint this?

- No, can you believe anyone
ever covered this up?

I sent pictures to a friend
of mine in Venice,

and he dated the floor
to the time of the Roman Empire.

- Wow.

- A national treasure
in my basement.

- Oh, it'’s beautiful.

- I want to get it
from over here.

- And what about this wine
stomping vat? Holy shit.

- Oh, I just use that to store
paint thinner and stuff.

You know, the smell.
Oh, but here'’s the best part!

And I wanted to show you guys
all at once.

Ta-da!

- Wow!
- Whoa!

- Oh, my God. It'’s Vladimir'’s
story about the witch.

- You, uh, are
very good painter, Becky.

- Oh, no, I didn'’t paint this.
It was here.

They'’ve been using torches
down here for a hundred years.

It was covered under
all this soot and smoke.

- Uh, Greg, our flight
leaves in seven hours.

Do you want to go get all your
gear and get set up down here?

- Yeah, yeah, I got it.
- There'’s more on this wall.

I was hoping to finish it
before you guys got here,

and I ran out of time.

- This is an amazing find,
Becky--great work.

- Thank you.
I'’m really proud of it.

- I don'’t know

if I'’d want to sleep
with this in my basement.

This is kind of creepy,
don'’t you think?

- Oh, no!
I'’m not superstitious

It'’s not scary.
It'’s just history.

- You know, I have some friends
at the Learning Network.

They might build
an hour-long special from this.

I mean, they'’d pay you,
of course, Becky.

- It would also make
great tourist attraction.

Uh, bed and breakfast.

People from Netherlands
eat this up with spoon.

Uh, you could get rich.

- I'’m not interested
in money.

I just want everybody to
experience it, every bit of it.

You know, it'’s funny--
I moved here to be an artist,

and here I find
I'’m not the first,

like I'’m part
of a tradition.

In a weird way, it just
makes me feel...connected.

- Hey, guys, guys!

- What the fuck?

- Wow!

So...does this mean

we'’re not getting
our rental deposit back?

- How could they have done this
with us right inside?

- Guys, I think we need
to call the cops.

- How are we gonna
call the cops, dude?

We don'’t have
any cell phone signal.

- There'’s not enough people
out here for tower.

- Jesus. Becky, can we
use your phone?

- Um, I-I don'’t have
a landline.

- Great. Can you give us
a ride to the airport?

- Sorry.
I only have my bike.

- Well, so we'’re fucking
stuck here.

- Should we call
a cab, or...?

- Yeah, that'’s great, Sarah.

Why don'’t you walk into town,
go hail one, and bring it back?

- Well, good luck with that,
'’cause whoever did this

is still out there.

- Oh, God, if they wanted

to start something with us,
they would'’ve.

We were 10 feet away.

This is
passive-aggressive bullshit.

- I don'’t know, Kate.

Doesn'’t look
too passive to me.

- Yeah, well,
who'’s fault is that?

I told you all to keep
a low profile in town.

- Kate, how are we supposed
to do that?

We'’re carrying
cameras around.

- Start by not filming
funerals, Greg.

- We'’re live, sister.
- Hey, you know what?

At least I didn'’t get
their dog shot, right?

- And this one
yelling "witch"

in the middle of a bar
full of psycho Euro-hicks.

Way to win over
the locals, Sarah.

- Well, maybe I should just
fuck them instead!

- You little bitch!

- No!
- Hey! Hey! Hey!

Sarah!
- Don'’t fight, don'’t fight!

I go!
- No, no, no, guys--

- I go! Stop!
- Hold on.

- I go.
I go to town.

Everyone loves
Vladimir.

It will take me a while,
but I will get help.

- Are you serious?
You want to go out there?

- Only volunteer
is best volunteer.

[animals hooting in distance]

- There'’s just
a few things in here,

in case you need '’em.

- Vladimir, this is for the car.
- Thank you.

I bring back change,
okay?

- Dude, I want you
to have that,

in case of emergencies.

- Spaceba, bratov.

- Later, brother.

- Bye.

Oh!
- What?

- I have heart attack.
Aagh!

Ha! I'’m kidding.
Just kidding.

I kid. I be okay.
Don'’t worry.

[humming "Hungarian Dance #5"]

♪

- Tension relief fail.

- So it kind of looks
like rain.

Anybody wants some coffee?

- Yes, please.
- Yeah, that would be great.

- I'’ll make it.

- All-in.

- All right,
let'’s dance, lady.

I call.
What do you got?

- Two pair!
Aces over 8s.

- You bitch.
Good hand.

Not as good
as five Vladimirs, though.

Yeah, sorry.

- Have you been playing with
those cards the entire time?

- Read '’em and weep.

- Wallace is gonna
hit the roof over this.

- "1,000 di Tipuri
di Brooaste."

This is one of my--
See, I love this guy.

He'’s great.
Uh, you know, this is--

Lost my virginity
to that guy.

What does that mean--
"assuming the bridge is okay"?

- Um, well, last spring
there was--

It washed out a little bit,
but I think it'’ll be okay.

- It washed out?
Oh, shit--

I mean, it'’s not raining
that hard right now, is it?

- [chuckles]
No, it'’ll be okay.

- Are you laughing at me?

- [chuckles]
Yeah.

- Did that sound kind of
panicked when I said that?

I meant that to be more
of like a masculine--

Kind of like,
"It'’s not raining?"

- You, uh, do this at home?

You have a lady at home
waiting for you

to cook for her?

- If I had a lady at home
doing this for me,

I'’d have no idea
how to do this.

- [laughs]

- No, I mean, you know,

I want to direct
my own stuff, I think.

It'’d be nice.

I mean, not that
it'’s not super fun

working for Kate,
who'’s just really

the nicest lady
you ever want to work--

[whispering]
She'’s a bitch.

- That'’s terrible.

- She'’s just such a bitch.

[normal voice]
Not that I don'’t like it here.

Not that I don'’t like it here.
It'’s just that...

I don'’t like it here.
- [laughs]

I think we can add
those peppers now. You ready?

- Dude, you gonna,
like, pay $10,000

to get one from a scalper?

- Just get online.
- No, I'’ll get you guys tickets.

- What is--
what was that?

You'’ll get us tickets?
- Mm-hmm.

- You mean Uncle Wallace
will get us tickets?

That'’s very nice of him.

I should write him
a thank-you note.

- Kate, are you not
going to eat your food?

- Pretty cool.
Like this?

- Yeah, but don'’t try
to hold it steady.

It'’s just going to make
you shake it more.

- Yeah, listen to her.
She went to film school.

- And we taught her well.

- You taped it,
didn'’t you?

- What are you talking about?

- You know
what I'’m talking about.

You taped it.
You lied.

You said
the camera was off.

Which one of you showed her...

- Kate.
- Alex?

- All right,
you know what, Kate?

Don'’t do this, not now, okay?
Not in front of Becky.

- Um, maybe
I should just go.

- No, Becky,
Kate'’s done.

This is your house.

You don'’t have
to go anywhere.

Listen, we'’ve all
had a rough day.

Let try to keep it
together.

Vladimir'’s been gone,
what, two hours?

He'’s caught a ride into town.
He'’s gonna be back.

- Really? Yeah, when?
- Soon.

- Becky, why don'’t I teach you
how to pull focus?

- Uh, okay.

- Put your fingers like this,
right here.

- I begged Wallace

not to make me
come back here with you.

- [sighs]

- Manganese granular.

You just put it in the glaze,
and then it comes out like this.

- Huh.

- The rain'’s definitely
letting up.

We should get out
of here soon.

- That suits me.
It'’s getting stuffy in here.

- Becky, those are
really beautiful.

- Thanks.
I have a lot more.

You want to see them?
They'’re in the kiln hut.

- Yeah, absolutely.
Let me grab a battery.

- There'’s this really cool
crafts fair in Chisinau.

Once a month, I go there,
and I sell my pots.

- Yeah? Do you make
a lot of money like that?

- Uh, well, not really,

because you kind of have
to be there a long time,

but I do sell some,
and it'’s pretty great.

Oh, my God.
- What?

- [muffled] Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

- Oh, my gosh, what'’s the--
- [vomits]

- Oh, my gosh.
- [coughing]

- Are you okay?

[eerie music]

♪

- We'’re filming everything
from now on.

We can'’t let these people
get away with this.

- It'’s fucked up.

- We shouldn'’t have
come back here.

What the fuck?

- [gasps]
- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, Jesus.

- What the fuck is that?
[frog croaks, all scream]

- Would somebody please explain

to these assholes
that we are Americans?

- What?
- Becky, help me--

- All right, I'’m getting set.
I'’m going to close the bedroom.

- I need the goddamn hammer!

Kate, give me a hand already!
Come on!

[indistinct shouting]

- Go, go, go, go, go.
[grunts]

- That'’s good.
That'’s good.

- Okay, is there anything else
you guys can think of

that we can do to, like,
trap ourselves in here?

- Look, I would rather be in
here than out there, all right?

- We'’re safe.
- Safe?

If they want us, they'’re going
to come in here and get us.

- Nobody'’s getting in here,
Kate--don'’t worry.

- Oh, and if they
can'’t come in,

they'’re just going to
fucking burn this place down.

- Oh, God.

- We need to head out
to the woods.

- The woods?
- Yes.

- Kate, we don'’t--
we don'’t have any gear.

We don'’t even have a compass.

Where the hell are we gonna go?
- Anywhere but here!

- Jesus Christ.
[groans]

[fireplace poker clangs]

Becky, Goran--you said Goran'’s
coming in tomorrow morning.

What time does
his flight land?

- What?
- Goran, his flight--

when does he land?

- Um, 8:00 a.m.

He said he was coming
straight here.

- Okay, 8:00 a.m.
- Okay.

- Right, it'’s
a two-hour flight.

Kate?
- Yeah.

He'’s in his car by 9:00.

He'’s here by 11:00,
noon at the latest.

- All right, assuming
that he didn'’t miss his flight.

- I'’m sure he didn'’t
miss his flight.

- Or the bridge isn'’t out or
those fucking maniacs out there

didn'’t cut him up the way
they fucking cut up Vladimir!

- Enough!

- [crying]
I'’m sorry.

Sorry.

- Oh, that'’s
fucking great, Kate.

That'’s fucking awesome.

- Guys, listen,
here'’s the plan.

We'’re gonna stay her tonight,
we'’re gonna wait for Goran,

and we'’re gonna drive
out of here in the morning.

- You don'’t give
orders, Greg.

This is my production.

- We'’re not making
the show anymore, Kate.

- And yet
you'’re still filming.

- That'’s because we film
everything from here on out...

everything.

- None of you
ever liked me.

[scoffs]

Do you know how many times
I covered for you guys?

[scoffs]

You'’ve all been laughing
at me this whole time.

[scoffs]

- The sun'’s going down.

- Shit.

[sighs]
Just making sure.

- We need to get some sleep.

- Yeah, that'’s great.
Who the fuck can sleep?

- All right, great, man.
You take the first watch.

Ladies.

- You can take this room.

- Okay, thanks, Becky.

Listen, Sarah, I want you
to keep that camera rolling

and then change
the batteries, all right?

Thank you.

- And, um, Sarah,
if you'’re okay with doubling up,

you can share this room
with me, okay?

See anything?
- No.

Have you had a lot of problems
with these people before?

- [chuckles awkwardly]

Well, I don'’t speak
the language yet,

but, um...

I'’ve gotten some hard stares
at the market--

single woman and all
living this far out of town.

You know?

And I don'’t go
to church.

So I haven'’t gone
out of my way to...

become part
of their community.

But this is...

[clicks tongue]

I'’m really gonna miss
this house.

[sobs softly]

- [gasps]

[whispering]
Oh, my God. What was that?

Oh, my God.
[shuddering]

[gasps, breathing shakily]

[gasping]

[frog croaks]
[sighs] Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Yo.

What are you doing up?

- Can'’t sleep.

- Yeah, I know.
Tell me about it.

Kate went to sleep, like,
ten minutes after you guys left,

stuck me with all
this fucking guard duty.

- Well, Greg and I are gonna
take over in an hour, so...

- Mm, that'’s great.

Then I can go
and not sleep in there.

- Listen, Goran'’s gonna be here
in the morning.

All we have to do
is last through the night.

- Yeah, I mean, that'’s assuming
he shows up in that SUV

and doesn'’t ride in here
on a fucking Vespa or something.

Look, I know Kate
is being a bitch,

but this plan really does have
a lot of holes in it, you know?

What if he does miss
his plane?

What if the bridge
is washed out?

What if he doesn'’t get here?

And you know what?

Even if he does get here,

how do we know we can even trust
this fucking guy?

He'’s one of them, right?

- Vladimir was one of them.

- I don'’t know.

[sighs]

- Greg?
- Aah! What the fuck?

Get off me!
- Greg, it'’s just me!

It'’s Sarah!
It'’s me. It'’s Sarah.

It'’s Sarah. It'’s Sarah.
- You guys all right?

- Yeah, it'’s okay!
We'’re fine!

- Then stop freaking me out!

- [breathing heavily]

- Greg.

- W-we were shooting...

at an all-girls school...

to...

I don'’t know.

[chuckles]

To show how things
were changing over there.

And we were--finished the shot.
We were leaving.

We were walking
through the door,

and these two local Taliban

showed up.

And this is the South.

I mean, this isn'’t hard-core
Swat Valley Taliban.

These are just
local bullies.

You know, guys like this,
they just...

They just come in,
and they...

break some windows,

and they flip some tables,
and they burn books,

and then they lecture the women,
and they fuck off.

But this time
was different...

Because this time
they see me...

And they see my camera...

And the chance
to make a splash...

to make the news
in America.

[swallows hard]

So they take
this little girl.

She'’s maybe, like,
ten years old.

She'’d just learned
to read and write.

She was learning English.
I mean--

Fuck!
The future of the country.

And they pulled out
this big knife...

And they made me film it.

[snorts]

[sobbing]

- Greg, there was nothing
you could'’ve done.

They had machine guns.
There'’s not--

You couldn'’t have done anything
to stop them.

- I didn'’t even try!
I didn'’t even try!

[breathing heavily]

I didn'’t even try.

[inhales deeply]
Hey.

What is it?
- Nothing.

- All right,
come on, let'’s go.

- What is that, a pipe?

- Hey, wake up.
- What?

- What the hell
were you thinking?

- What? I'’m sorry. I was trying
to take the edge off.

- Dude, why the fuck
would you want no edge?

- You guys, where'’s Kate?

- Oh, shit.

- Becky, get up.
We got a problem.

- Becky, Kate'’s missing.

- She'’s not in the cellar.
- Shit.

Way to go, Alex.

- What do you want me
to say, dude? I'’m sorry, okay?

- Why would she sneak off
without us?

- '’Cause Kate looks out
for number one--that'’s why.

- Exactly. Even if I was awake,
what am I gonna do--

talk Kate from going out
the fucking door?

- Shh.

[distant moaning]

[gasps]
We have to do something.

- Help me.

Help.

- We can'’t just stand here,
you guys.

- I'’m going.

- D-d-don'’t go out there.

They'’re trying to lure us
out there.

It'’s a trap.
I swear to God, Greg, please.

- He'’s right.
You can'’t do it alone.

- Thank you.

- Okay, we'’ll all go
out together.

- What the fuck?
Why? Why?

Kate wouldn'’t do it
for us.

What?
She wouldn'’t.

- You guys good?
both: Yeah.

- All right, come on. Come on.
- Oh, fuck me, man.

- Watch your step.
- I can'’t--

- Shh, shh, shh.
- Shit.

- Don'’t fucking wave that poker
in my face.

- Okay.
Uh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Becky.
- Okay, I know.

- Shh.
- Sarah, what do you see?

- I can'’t see anything.
Sarah, can you see anything?

[distant moaning]
I hear something.

Sarah?

- I can'’t see my fucking hand
in front of my face.

- Alex, shut the fuck up.
There'’s people out here.

[distant gasp]
I heard something.

- My God. God.

- Help me.
- Oh, my God.

- I can hear her.
- Oh, my God.

- I can hear her, guys.
Come on.

Stay low.

- Wait, wait wait!

- Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.

Please, please please.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.

[distant moan]
- Sarah, can you see anything?

Stop! Stop!
- My God.

- No.

- Shh, shh. Listen.
- Okay.

[distant moan]
- Oh, my God.

- I can hear her.
I can hear her.

- Alex. Alex.

- Kate.

Kate.

- No, I--
- Sarah, can you see?

- I can'’t see.
- Sarah, what can you see?

- I can'’t see shit.
- Kate, where the fuck are you?

[suspenseful music]

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- No!

- She'’s dead!
I'’m going back to the house!

- Alex!
- Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!

- [crying]
- He'’s right, all right?

There'’s nothing
we can do for her.

[Sarah crying]

They'’re still out here.

- [sobbing]

[gasps]
- Sarah.

Sarah, come on.
- Greg.

- Guys, let'’s get the fuck
out of here.

Becky.

- Let'’s get back inside. -
[sobs]

- Okay, Sarah, come on.
Come on.

- Yeah, go check the bedrooms.
Go, come on.

- Greg, can I talk to you
for a second?

- Sarah, go!
Just go fucking help Alex!

- I have to tell you something--
- Quit fucking around!

Come on!
- God damn it!

Alex, Alex, Alex.
- Fucking bullshit.

- Goran'’s car is in the barn.
- What?

- Goran'’s car is in the barn
right now.

- Goran'’s here?
- No, his car is in the barn.

It'’s covered in dust.
- What are you saying?

- Oh, my God, the barn.

Holy shit.
Where'’s your laptop?

- What the fuck
are you talking about?

- Get your laptop out.

Come up.

Where the fuck is it?

[indistinct chatter
on laptop]

- I mean, what, Sarah? What?
- Shut up.

- What? What'’s okay?

- It'’s not even on.
- The camera isn'’t on.

- We were just talking
about this. It'’s not on.

- It'’s not on.

[key clacks]
There.

- What is that?

Oh, shit.

- [gasps]
What are we gonna do?

She'’s right the fuck
out there.

- Okay. Okay. Okay.

So she'’s a fucking psychopath.
She saw them.

She killed Goran.
She killed Kate.

Why the fuck
did she kill Vladimir?

- I don'’t know.

Because he saw.

[gasps]
Greg.

- Greg.
Holy shit. Greg!

Greg. Shit.

- What?

[clattering,
glass breaking]

- Okay, come on, let'’s go.

Come on! Come on!

- I can'’t go down there
with her.

- For once in your life!

I'’m not gonna stand around
debating this with you.

Go downstairs now!
[loud clattering]

- Fuck!
- Oh, my God. Alex!

- [shouts]
Fuck!

- Oh, my God!
- Jesus fucking Christ!

Don'’t touch me!
Get the fuck away from me!

Don'’t touch me!
Don'’t touch me! Greg!

[loud clattering]

- Shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

[clattering continues,
items smashing]

- [gasps]

- Just wait here.

- Alex?

[camera whining]

- [breathing heavily]

- Alex?

Alex?

- Sarah?
- I'’m right here.

- Sarah?

- Alex?

Greg, I have to tell you
something.

- I keep this down here
in case of emergency.

- It'’s 3:00 now. We got 8 hours
until Goran shows up.

We got to take that thing
out of you.

- No, we'’re not taking
this thing out of me,

'’cause this is the thing that'’s
fucking plugging the hole!

- I'’ve done this before.
Trust me. Come on.

- Greg, I have to tell you
something.

- [grunts]
Here, take this.

- Greg.
- Put this in your mouth.

Bite down on this.
Bite down on it.

- [groans]
- I got his arm.

- I got it.
- Don'’t scream.

- [muffled screaming]
- That'’s it. That'’s it.

That'’s it. That'’s it.
That'’s it. That'’s it.

That'’s it. That'’s it.

- Can you deal with this?

- Bite down.
Bite down if you have to.

Are you done screaming?

You done screaming?
- [breathing heavily]

Fuck you.
- Fuck me.

Yeah, fuck me.

- I'’m good. I'’m good.
- You got it.

You got it.
You got it.

- Oh, fuck!
- You got it.

- What the hell?

- It'’s okay.
Shh, shh, shh.

Alex, Alex,
it'’s gonna be okay.

Trust me.

- What is that?

[gasps]

Oh, my...

Oh, my God.

[gasps]

Oh.
[cries softly]

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.

[shuddering]

[gasps]
Oh.

Oh, shit!
[gasps]

Oh, my God.

[breathing heavily, gasps]

[gasps]

- Do you like it?
- What the hell'’s going on?

- Greg, she'’s crazy.

She killed Goran,
and she killed Kate,

and she killed Vladimir.

- Sarah, what the hell
are you talking about?

- She saw them together
in the barn.

His car is in the barn.

- All right, just--just--
just calm down.

- I'’m not gonna
fucking calm down!

Look at this mural right now.
That'’s us!

That is us!

She planned
this whole entire thing.

- No.
- She painted about it.

- I didn'’t pain that.

That was always here.

Iwas always here.
- What?

- I was just waiting...

for Becky, for you.

- Becky, what
are you talking about?

- Dude, she is
fucking psychotic, okay?

- All right.
- Listen to me.

She thinks she'’s a witch.
- Okay.

- And those hicks
up there do too.

- All right, just--just back
the fuck off.

- They'’re not here to kill us.
They'’re here to kill her.

We'’re just in the way.

- No.

I want you here...

to record what happens,
like in the mural.

Let'’s start with a close-up.

- Becky, what--
- Aah!

- Becky...
- Dude.

- Just let go of that,
all right, Becky?

Becky.
Let go of Sarah, Becky.

[suspenseful music]

- Sarah?
[fireplace poker clatters]

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, Jesus Christ.

- [crying]
It'’s Goran.

- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- Shit.

- What--
- No, Becky.

Becky, what are you doing?

Okay.
- Oh, my--

[sobs]

- Becky. Becky, listen to me.
It'’s Greg. Becky.

Becky, just put that down.

You don'’t have to do that,
all right?

Let'’s just talk.
Becky.

- Greg.

- Greg!
- Greg!

- Greg!

- Sarah, Alex, get out of here!
Go now!

- Whoa!

- Aah!

- Greg!

[cries]
[fireplace poker clatters]

- Sarah, we'’ve got
to fucking go!

- [whimpering]

- Aah!

- Shit. Give me the camera.
Give it to me.

Sarah.
Sarah, go.

Go! Run!

[deafening croaking]

- Ow. Shit.
- We got to go.

Just go! Go!
- Aah!

- Just go!
Go! Go!

Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.

Come on, come on.
Sarah, come on!

- This way, this way!
- What do we--

- Help us!
- Witch lover!

- [gasping]

- No, no, no.
No, no, wait.

What the fuck?

[gun cocks]

[ominous music]

♪

Jeez!

♪

- [whimpering]

What the fuck?

- [screaming]

- [breathing heavily]

Oh, fuck me.

Oh, fuck me!

[breathing heavily]
Fuck me!

[indistinct shouting]

Fuck me!

No! No!

[whimpers]
Shit!

Dickless piece of--

Fuck!

- Aah!

- Shit!
[chuckling]

[man shouting
in native language]

- Shit, shit, shit.

- [continues shouting
in native language]

- No!

- Fuck.

[whimpering]

[laughing]

[gunshot]

- [screaming]

- [gasps]

[indistinct shouting]

Jesus!

Oh! Oh!

Great. Great.

[all moaning]

- [shouting in native language]

- [gasps]

Shit. Shit!

[people speaking
native language]

Wait, wait.
Wait. No, no, no.

Look.
Come on, look.

You want my shoes?

I'’m not even American.
I'’m Canadian!

♪

- [groaning creepily]

[chuckles]

- Good Canadian shoes.
No, no, no, no!

[screaming]

[breathing heavily]

[man screaming]

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Okay.
It'’s okay.

You want me to film it?
Okay.

Okay, I'’ll film it.
I'’ll film it.

- [roaring]

- [breathing heavily]

Shit.

Oh, my God.

I can'’t believe
she actually drank that shit.

[breathing heavily]

Oh, shit.

- [speaking in tongues]

[man screams]

[woman chanting
in native language]

- Oh, that'’s not a good idea.

[woman continues chanting]

That is not a good idea.

[breathing heavily]

Oh, shit.

- [screaming]

- What did I say?

[breathing heavily]

[sighs]

Oh, God.

Oh, shit!

Shit.

- I used to have a painter.

Now I have a director...

Unless...

you don'’t want to be
my director.

- [whimpering]
No, shit, that'’s--that'’s cool.

I mean,
who doesn'’t want to direct?

- Good.

Show everyone.

- [breathing heavily]

How the fuck am I gonna
explain this to Wallace?

[continues breathing heavily]

[upbeat Eastern European music]

♪

[playing "Hungarian Dace #5"]

♪

[crowd clapping rhythmically]

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

[applause]

- Opa!
[shouting in native language]

[eerie music]

♪

- Eat you goat dick
and shut up.

[laughter]
You stop laughing.