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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:52,231 --> 00:00:54,893 The legendary Van Wilder was my mentor. 2 00:00:55,000 --> 00:00:57,798 He enabled me to become the king of cool at Coolidge College. 3 00:00:57,903 --> 00:01:01,168 Thanks to his many insightful life lessons, like, "Two's company, 4 00:01:01,273 --> 00:01:04,106 "and three is only good if there's no class the next day." 5 00:01:04,210 --> 00:01:07,771 I'm now going to England to take the path of another great man, my father, 6 00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:11,407 and continue my academic studies at Camford University. 7 00:01:12,214 --> 00:01:16,142 After pursuing my degree in history, I'll go ahead 8 00:01:16,244 --> 00:01:20,010 and get a minor in major muff-munching. 9 00:01:20,115 --> 00:01:22,951 You're not listening to anything I'm saying, are you? 10 00:01:23,052 --> 00:01:28,531 Not a word, Mr. Minor-in-Major-Muff-Munching. 11 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:32,604 - Chicken or fish? - Yes, I'll have the chicken, please. 12 00:01:32,968 --> 00:01:34,543 Enjoy your meal. 13 00:01:35,676 --> 00:01:38,245 - Thank you very much. - You're welcome. 14 00:01:38,452 --> 00:01:39,736 All right. 15 00:01:39,839 --> 00:01:41,847 - Chicken or fish? - Chicken. 16 00:01:43,345 --> 00:01:44,795 - Excuse me. - Yes? 17 00:01:44,896 --> 00:01:47,602 Is that Madame Mandira's Homemade Bombay Hot Sauce? 18 00:01:47,971 --> 00:01:49,119 No way, you know it? 19 00:01:49,654 --> 00:01:52,753 Habanero and cayenne peppers mixed with lime juice, vinegar, onions and salt. 20 00:01:52,861 --> 00:01:54,607 From the great Calcutta Salt Lake? 21 00:01:55,339 --> 00:01:56,353 Would you like some? 22 00:01:59,173 --> 00:02:00,356 Sorry. I'm so clumsy. 23 00:02:09,154 --> 00:02:12,983 Sorry. I have this thing for spices. 24 00:02:13,744 --> 00:02:15,720 You have "a thing"? 25 00:02:18,107 --> 00:02:19,158 Well... 26 00:02:25,843 --> 00:02:28,781 You want some of this, don't you, you dirty little whore? 27 00:02:33,970 --> 00:02:34,927 Come and get it. 28 00:02:46,871 --> 00:02:47,797 Don't stop. 29 00:02:49,632 --> 00:02:50,729 Don't stop. 30 00:02:52,363 --> 00:02:55,380 - I said, "Don't stop." - Okay, okay. 31 00:02:56,775 --> 00:03:00,685 Oh, yeah? Yeah? You like hot sauce on your kebabs, cookie? 32 00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:04,829 Oh, that's hot. Oh, that's hot. 33 00:03:05,433 --> 00:03:07,221 Oh, that's actually... 34 00:03:52,284 --> 00:03:54,183 Smell that, Balzac? 35 00:03:55,205 --> 00:03:58,079 That is the aroma of higher education. 36 00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:03,441 The aroma of young minds absorbing knowledge. The aromas... 37 00:04:03,873 --> 00:04:04,893 Yes. 38 00:04:05,573 --> 00:04:07,296 The aroma of that, too. 39 00:04:08,352 --> 00:04:10,764 Let us make haste, my friend, 40 00:04:11,045 --> 00:04:13,907 to the fraternal house where my family name became legend. 41 00:04:14,416 --> 00:04:15,212 Come on. 42 00:04:37,014 --> 00:04:38,981 "May driving on the wrong side of the road, 43 00:04:39,223 --> 00:04:40,852 "lead you down the right path. 44 00:04:41,147 --> 00:04:42,936 "Write that down. Van." 45 00:05:11,871 --> 00:05:13,314 Well, well, well. What do we have here? 46 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,176 - Percy? - 2:30... 47 00:05:16,577 --> 00:05:17,555 Taj Mahal 48 00:05:19,806 --> 00:05:21,384 Badalandabad. 49 00:05:22,465 --> 00:05:23,204 Wow. 50 00:05:24,509 --> 00:05:27,155 It's even more magnificent than I imagined it. 51 00:05:29,312 --> 00:05:32,356 - Welcome to the house of Fox and Hounds. - Welcome to the house of Fox and Hounds. 52 00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,025 Good afternoon. 53 00:05:54,606 --> 00:05:57,033 Pip Everett, Earl of Grey. How do you do? 54 00:05:57,522 --> 00:05:59,132 I do very well, thank you. 55 00:05:59,622 --> 00:06:01,905 Splendid. How may we help you? 56 00:06:02,183 --> 00:06:05,680 My name is Taj Mahal Badalandabad, your newest and proudest member. 57 00:06:05,888 --> 00:06:07,546 Fantastic. Fantastic. 58 00:06:08,105 --> 00:06:09,940 - Come and meet the guys. - Sure. 59 00:06:11,506 --> 00:06:12,626 This is incredible. 60 00:06:12,845 --> 00:06:15,712 The oldest and finest fraternal guild in all of England. 61 00:06:16,446 --> 00:06:18,455 You know, I've been dreaming of this day since I was a boy. 62 00:06:18,703 --> 00:06:19,778 - Champagne? - Thank you. 63 00:06:20,002 --> 00:06:22,972 Since my father, Dilip, who was known by his fellow Hounds 64 00:06:23,194 --> 00:06:25,501 as the Womb Broom Badalandabad, 65 00:06:26,596 --> 00:06:29,625 would tell me stories about his time here during the swinging '60s. 66 00:06:38,467 --> 00:06:42,017 Quiet. Quiet, quiet, please. 67 00:06:42,234 --> 00:06:44,779 Now, it has been enjoyable 68 00:06:45,594 --> 00:06:47,381 shagging all of you groovy chicks. 69 00:06:47,895 --> 00:06:51,750 But the further spreading of my baby gravy 70 00:06:52,394 --> 00:06:53,694 will have to wait. 71 00:06:55,616 --> 00:06:56,977 Good show. Good show. 72 00:06:57,323 --> 00:06:58,825 And we're equally excited to have you as one of our members. 73 00:06:59,339 --> 00:07:00,339 Welcome. 74 00:07:00,395 --> 00:07:01,672 Ladies, perhaps you could show 75 00:07:01,870 --> 00:07:04,764 Sir Womb Broom the Second to his new room. 76 00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:06,062 - Our pleasure. - Our pleasure. 77 00:07:06,435 --> 00:07:07,742 Thank you, ladies. 78 00:07:10,009 --> 00:07:14,283 You know, something about you reminds me of you. 79 00:07:14,540 --> 00:07:15,507 Why? 80 00:07:15,813 --> 00:07:17,384 - Mr. Badalandabad? - Yes? 81 00:07:18,081 --> 00:07:20,477 - Might I see your acceptance letter? - Sure. 82 00:07:24,250 --> 00:07:24,834 Thank you. 83 00:07:26,191 --> 00:07:28,261 Usually put them in the scrapbook or something? 84 00:07:29,329 --> 00:07:30,120 No. Not usually. 85 00:07:31,442 --> 00:07:32,660 - Oh, dear. - What's wrong? 86 00:07:33,060 --> 00:07:34,247 This is very awkward. 87 00:07:34,924 --> 00:07:36,430 There seems to have been a terrible mistake. 88 00:07:37,860 --> 00:07:39,373 Typographical, you see. 89 00:07:39,682 --> 00:07:42,534 This letter's supposed to say that you've not been accepted. 90 00:07:43,425 --> 00:07:45,157 - What? - I'm very sorry. 91 00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:47,682 But please do pop in any time and say hello. 92 00:07:47,952 --> 00:07:49,848 But my father went here. I'm a legacy. 93 00:07:50,358 --> 00:07:51,704 Where else would you expect me to go? 94 00:07:51,912 --> 00:07:53,683 Well, I do see your quandary, old boy. 95 00:07:53,985 --> 00:07:57,821 I do know of one opportunity, but it's only eligible for dongs. 96 00:07:58,199 --> 00:07:59,691 Perhaps they'll consider a Taj. 97 00:07:59,941 --> 00:08:03,553 Dongs are what you Americans so eloquently call teaching assistants. 98 00:08:03,777 --> 00:08:05,895 Yes. Well, I am a teaching assistant. 99 00:08:06,187 --> 00:08:07,840 Yes. Here it is. 100 00:08:08,266 --> 00:08:10,495 - What is it? - You'd be a head of house of sorts, 101 00:08:10,692 --> 00:08:13,953 for a very elite group of students in a dwelling called the Barn. 102 00:08:14,166 --> 00:08:15,777 - The Barn? - An architectural wonder. 103 00:08:15,997 --> 00:08:17,764 - The Barn? - One of the oldest buildings on campus. 104 00:08:17,948 --> 00:08:18,491 - Is it red? - No. 105 00:08:18,726 --> 00:08:20,422 - Then it's not a barn. - Yes, but it's steeped in history. 106 00:08:22,050 --> 00:08:23,327 Good luck, then. 107 00:08:25,314 --> 00:08:26,909 You, too. 108 00:08:27,944 --> 00:08:30,666 Come on, Balzac. Ándale. 109 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:38,891 Christ, he's got monkey nuts. 110 00:08:39,632 --> 00:08:41,569 - Did you see his face? - The Barn? 111 00:08:41,781 --> 00:08:43,289 I do believe that was the best one yet. 112 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:45,707 - You were wonderful. - That was a classic, Pip. 113 00:08:45,933 --> 00:08:47,925 - Brilliant. - Don't you boys ever get tired 114 00:08:48,208 --> 00:08:50,481 of playing that same crass, demeaning joke? 115 00:08:50,953 --> 00:08:52,827 - No. - No. 116 00:08:54,111 --> 00:08:58,048 Another jolly good show. I must say, it is so much fun being me. 117 00:08:58,941 --> 00:08:59,941 Is that... 118 00:09:01,882 --> 00:09:03,808 Could someone please get me some Tidy Wipes? 119 00:09:52,154 --> 00:09:55,186 Well, Balzac, as Mr. Van Wilder would say, 120 00:09:55,418 --> 00:09:57,986 it's not the building that matters, it's the people inside. 121 00:10:00,699 --> 00:10:01,812 Come on. 122 00:10:17,197 --> 00:10:20,974 Excuse me. I'm looking for the Barn residence hall. 123 00:10:21,361 --> 00:10:22,956 - The Barn. - Piss off. 124 00:10:24,081 --> 00:10:25,501 Pin-headed squirrelly-looking bastard. 125 00:10:25,873 --> 00:10:30,053 Sorry for the intrusion, you hairy-arsed dipso Paddy headbanger. 126 00:10:31,232 --> 00:10:33,829 Hey, you're speaking the local lingo right and proper. 127 00:10:36,287 --> 00:10:38,422 - Hi. - Hi, you look funny. 128 00:10:38,941 --> 00:10:40,890 - I'm Gethin. - Hi, Gethin, I'm Taj, 129 00:10:41,076 --> 00:10:42,375 your new resident advisor. 130 00:10:43,687 --> 00:10:47,814 Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. The house is such a mess. 131 00:10:48,023 --> 00:10:48,816 I feel so ashamed. 132 00:10:49,328 --> 00:10:51,729 Please stop. Don't call me sir and don't be formal. 133 00:10:51,951 --> 00:10:54,234 This is a very informal setting and, Gethin, stand up straight. 134 00:10:54,431 --> 00:10:56,321 A man always looks more confident when he's erect. 135 00:10:57,471 --> 00:10:58,271 Now, what's all this? 136 00:10:59,765 --> 00:11:01,606 I'm a dual major. 137 00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:03,474 Maths/quantum physics. 138 00:11:04,287 --> 00:11:06,316 Following the tradition of the great Stephen Hawking, huh? 139 00:11:07,622 --> 00:11:11,289 Not exactly. Numbers geeks don't have the hottest social life, 140 00:11:11,551 --> 00:11:15,566 so I did a sexual statistics compatibility survey with all the colleges in England. 141 00:11:16,166 --> 00:11:20,129 Camford came up with the highest nerd-per-willing-chick probability ratio. 142 00:11:20,726 --> 00:11:22,271 The pursuit of the pink taco. 143 00:11:23,299 --> 00:11:26,718 Gethin, I think you and I are kindred spirits in the search for the vertical smile. 144 00:11:27,245 --> 00:11:29,257 - The what, sir? - The vertical smile. 145 00:11:29,799 --> 00:11:32,307 You know, the scrambled eggs between the legs... 146 00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:33,129 I don't know what that is. 147 00:11:33,310 --> 00:11:34,193 ...the sunny-side-up on the way to the butt. 148 00:11:34,438 --> 00:11:35,363 Say again? 149 00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,136 Hello. What's your name? 150 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:43,771 - Hello? - Simon doesn't like to talk. 151 00:11:45,020 --> 00:11:46,177 Simon? 152 00:11:46,608 --> 00:11:47,801 It's a pleasure to meet you regardless, 153 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,063 and I look forward to hearing from you 154 00:11:49,282 --> 00:11:50,807 when you have something that you would like to say. 155 00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:54,406 How about you, Balzac? 156 00:11:54,862 --> 00:11:56,561 Hey, buddy. Did you meet everybody? 157 00:11:56,991 --> 00:11:58,646 Hey, what's up with the mutt? 158 00:11:58,905 --> 00:12:00,723 Looks like it's dragging a pair of soccer balls. 159 00:12:01,130 --> 00:12:02,785 He's a purebred English bulldog. 160 00:12:03,631 --> 00:12:06,308 It's English, is it? That's why it's such an ugly little bastard. 161 00:12:08,139 --> 00:12:09,444 - He can hear you. - I don't care. 162 00:12:09,952 --> 00:12:11,328 Why do you have all that pent-up aggression? 163 00:12:11,549 --> 00:12:13,785 I'm Irish and the English have been giving us the shaft 164 00:12:14,004 --> 00:12:15,292 for over 500 years and counting. 165 00:12:15,504 --> 00:12:17,222 Well, time out for a second. I'm Indian. 166 00:12:18,257 --> 00:12:20,435 And England invaded India in the 1700s, 167 00:12:20,663 --> 00:12:22,674 and didn't leave until less than 60 years ago. 168 00:12:23,189 --> 00:12:26,975 Until then, we were just another one of its colonies, not unlike your Northern Ireland. 169 00:12:27,742 --> 00:12:28,210 - Really? - Yeah. 170 00:12:28,836 --> 00:12:29,926 That makes us brothers. 171 00:12:34,214 --> 00:12:35,808 I'm dead. 172 00:12:38,568 --> 00:12:40,856 So I assume those are real. 173 00:12:43,510 --> 00:12:44,756 You all right? 174 00:12:48,762 --> 00:12:50,561 I'm sorry I lobbed you in the face, mate. 175 00:12:50,935 --> 00:12:52,035 Fancy a sneaky quick one? 176 00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:55,512 No. No, no, I think you've given me enough sneaky quick ones for the day. 177 00:12:55,703 --> 00:12:56,532 Thank you, Seamus. 178 00:12:57,087 --> 00:13:00,021 Sadie, this is Taj Badalandabad, our new head of house. 179 00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:02,611 All right, me old mucker. Have a shake, then, I ain't got the clap or nothing. 180 00:13:03,413 --> 00:13:05,031 - What? - She means handshake. 181 00:13:05,312 --> 00:13:06,937 Right. Of course. Of course, hi. 182 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:08,232 Sadie is a cockney. 183 00:13:08,435 --> 00:13:10,949 Takes time to understand her. Words fit in her mouth funny. 184 00:13:11,917 --> 00:13:12,954 Lucky words. 185 00:13:13,532 --> 00:13:14,982 You enjoying your time at Camford, Sadie? 186 00:13:15,571 --> 00:13:18,029 Yeah, it's all right. Blokes are a bit stuffy here, though. 187 00:13:18,371 --> 00:13:19,815 I mean, I never thought it would be so hard 188 00:13:20,052 --> 00:13:21,929 to find someone worth slurping the old panhandle. 189 00:13:23,112 --> 00:13:24,606 You know, giving a blow job. 190 00:13:25,020 --> 00:13:26,727 Nothing like getting your tongue around a nice fat one. 191 00:13:27,003 --> 00:13:28,172 Sliding it in and out. 192 00:13:28,407 --> 00:13:31,416 In and out. In and out. In and out. 193 00:13:31,831 --> 00:13:34,400 Milking it like a cow until it explodes into the back of your mouth. 194 00:13:35,780 --> 00:13:37,339 I must have an amazing ear for dialects. 195 00:13:37,569 --> 00:13:39,106 I understood everything that she said perfectly. 196 00:13:39,528 --> 00:13:42,785 So, how long will you be staying with us before you move to a better house, then, 197 00:13:42,991 --> 00:13:44,781 Mr. Badalandabad? 198 00:13:45,677 --> 00:13:47,404 - I don't follow. - It's all right, sir. 199 00:13:48,204 --> 00:13:49,626 We all know we're losers. 200 00:13:50,612 --> 00:13:52,248 Well, round here in this campus 201 00:13:52,580 --> 00:13:55,017 we're like crusty brown sheep dung off an old work boot. 202 00:13:55,228 --> 00:13:57,033 That's painting too pretty a picture, if you ask me. 203 00:13:57,365 --> 00:13:59,377 Hey, time out, guys. 204 00:14:00,242 --> 00:14:02,553 You know, a few years ago, I was exactly where you guys were. 205 00:14:03,934 --> 00:14:05,122 Almost. 206 00:14:06,265 --> 00:14:07,228 Not really at all, actually. 207 00:14:07,470 --> 00:14:09,786 But look, the point is that there's potential, okay? 208 00:14:10,079 --> 00:14:11,612 There's potential here. That's what I see. 209 00:14:12,371 --> 00:14:16,179 You know, sometimes it just takes a while to cultivate one's own personal greatness. 210 00:14:16,737 --> 00:14:19,230 - It's okay, sir. - People always say nice things. 211 00:14:19,418 --> 00:14:21,140 And then they leave. 212 00:14:27,399 --> 00:14:31,151 Balzac, I don't think I will succeed as the sultan of snatch in this place. 213 00:14:32,837 --> 00:14:37,112 All I wanted to do was spread a little Badalandabad butter on an English muffin. 214 00:14:38,733 --> 00:14:41,436 Well, Van, what would you do? 215 00:15:11,466 --> 00:15:12,291 Yeah. 216 00:15:13,154 --> 00:15:15,636 You like that long one, don't you, Miss Nude America? 217 00:15:16,022 --> 00:15:16,601 Yeah, you do. 218 00:15:17,794 --> 00:15:19,998 Miss Nevada likes it hard. 219 00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:21,602 Yeah, scream a bit louder for more points. 220 00:15:21,874 --> 00:15:23,500 Crazy room. Will you take a look at this place? 221 00:15:23,706 --> 00:15:24,786 Hey, good morning, guys. 222 00:15:25,002 --> 00:15:26,783 Bloody hell. This must have cost a fortune. 223 00:15:27,308 --> 00:15:28,310 It's an investment. 224 00:15:28,804 --> 00:15:31,444 The coolest, most confident kids on campus are living here. 225 00:15:31,642 --> 00:15:33,726 - Who's moving in? - The new you, Gethin. 226 00:15:34,562 --> 00:15:35,817 The new all of you. 227 00:15:36,014 --> 00:15:40,888 And to celebrate, I got us an invitation to the campus-wide inaugural ball tonight. 228 00:15:41,539 --> 00:15:43,460 Black tie only. When should we leave? Oi! 229 00:15:44,556 --> 00:15:45,448 Where are you going? 230 00:15:45,699 --> 00:15:49,337 It's being tossed by that royal chutney ferret and his chorus of nancy boys. 231 00:15:49,537 --> 00:15:50,629 Yeah, translation? 232 00:15:51,255 --> 00:15:54,893 Pip Everett is the Earl of Grey, 14 spots removed from the Queen herself. 233 00:15:55,325 --> 00:15:56,888 He also happens to be head of the Fox and Hounds, 234 00:15:57,170 --> 00:15:58,264 who are sponsoring the ball. 235 00:15:58,735 --> 00:16:01,505 Yes, I've met Pip and I really wouldn't be concerned. 236 00:16:01,695 --> 00:16:03,943 No, sir. You don't understand. 237 00:16:05,023 --> 00:16:07,750 Each one of us were invited into the Fox and Hounds, 238 00:16:07,986 --> 00:16:10,579 only to be told when we arrived that there had been some sort of 239 00:16:11,060 --> 00:16:13,159 "typographical error" in our acceptance letters. 240 00:16:13,553 --> 00:16:16,011 Bloody right. Supposedly the bastards do it every year. 241 00:16:16,216 --> 00:16:18,585 - Just for their jollies. - This happened to all of you? 242 00:16:21,030 --> 00:16:22,716 Well, you guys must be livid. 243 00:16:23,008 --> 00:16:25,417 No. It's pretty much the story of our lives. 244 00:16:25,867 --> 00:16:28,787 The story of... I don't believe what I'm hearing. 245 00:16:29,526 --> 00:16:32,210 Those Fox and Hounds douche bags. 246 00:16:32,423 --> 00:16:36,749 Those pubic-hair tooth flossers have no right to tell us what to do. 247 00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:38,831 We're going to show them... No. 248 00:16:40,090 --> 00:16:42,933 We're going show ourselves that we can go wherever we want, 249 00:16:43,511 --> 00:16:45,291 whenever we want. 250 00:16:45,582 --> 00:16:48,435 Now, we're going to this party and we're going to look hot. 251 00:17:11,187 --> 00:17:13,690 So they're rich, powerful and beautiful. 252 00:17:14,662 --> 00:17:17,325 Take away their good looks, their money and their superior attitudes, 253 00:17:17,580 --> 00:17:19,395 - and what do you have? - Us? 254 00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:24,939 My point, Gethin, is that they're no better than us. 255 00:17:25,421 --> 00:17:26,840 Have some courage, guys. 256 00:17:27,711 --> 00:17:31,482 There's an old saying. "Jumping off a cliff only hurts if you forget how to fly." 257 00:17:31,898 --> 00:17:33,598 Excuse me, sir. I think the actual saying is that... 258 00:17:33,817 --> 00:17:36,655 Well, it doesn't matter what the actual saying is, Gethin. 259 00:17:36,843 --> 00:17:37,880 It's the intent. 260 00:17:38,126 --> 00:17:39,505 Stand up straight. 261 00:17:40,019 --> 00:17:41,030 Now, where is Simon? 262 00:17:41,552 --> 00:17:43,816 He said he'd be here when he was done fussing with his bow tie. 263 00:17:44,015 --> 00:17:48,599 All right. Well, go, guys. Have fun. Go, my little sparrows. 264 00:18:21,272 --> 00:18:23,362 Would you like to dance? Would you like to dance? 265 00:18:23,879 --> 00:18:25,994 Would you like to dance? Do you like to dance? 266 00:18:26,386 --> 00:18:30,079 I'd love to dance with you. 267 00:18:30,930 --> 00:18:34,155 So lean, so strong. 268 00:18:34,399 --> 00:18:36,702 So virile. 269 00:18:40,674 --> 00:18:44,029 Do you know I'm not wearing any... 270 00:18:45,185 --> 00:18:48,596 Lady Mulgrove, I believe Lord Mulgrove was looking for you over there. 271 00:18:50,795 --> 00:18:51,960 Pity. 272 00:18:54,206 --> 00:18:56,469 Lady Mulgrove loves her sherry, I'm afraid. 273 00:18:56,888 --> 00:18:59,905 Well, you know, I've never been checked for a hernia on the dance floor before. 274 00:19:00,375 --> 00:19:02,970 I have to say, the old lady's tremor was actually mildly erotic. 275 00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:08,067 Would you like to dance? 276 00:19:10,325 --> 00:19:11,634 Well, actually I have a... 277 00:19:11,836 --> 00:19:13,699 A younger sister you could hook me up with instead? 278 00:19:13,894 --> 00:19:14,379 Why did I say that? 279 00:19:14,636 --> 00:19:16,865 I'm gonna go slit my wrists in the corner painfully now. 280 00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:18,283 - Thank you. Bye. - Wait. Wait. 281 00:19:18,510 --> 00:19:19,310 Yes. 282 00:19:20,801 --> 00:19:24,310 - Why not? - Great. 283 00:19:30,427 --> 00:19:32,609 - So, I've not seen you on campus before. - Yes, I'm nude. 284 00:19:33,034 --> 00:19:35,156 New, I'm a new graduate student. 285 00:19:36,629 --> 00:19:38,580 - And how are you finding it? - Great, actually. 286 00:19:38,872 --> 00:19:40,525 It's fantastic. Everyone's really nice, 287 00:19:40,809 --> 00:19:43,356 except for this royal jackass named Pip. 288 00:19:44,357 --> 00:19:45,902 - Pip? - Yes. Pip Everett, 289 00:19:46,201 --> 00:19:49,658 the Earl of Grey, is a world-class jerk. 290 00:19:50,296 --> 00:19:52,334 - You didn't get on with him? - No. 291 00:19:52,588 --> 00:19:53,290 You would detest him as well. 292 00:19:53,584 --> 00:19:55,498 I would imagine that only another bubble-headed snob 293 00:19:55,725 --> 00:19:58,844 could stand to be in his company for longer than it takes to suck on a Tic Tac. 294 00:19:59,063 --> 00:20:02,259 Charlie, there you are. Oh, I see you've met Haj. 295 00:20:03,473 --> 00:20:04,508 Charlie? 296 00:20:05,043 --> 00:20:07,329 Or you can just call me the bubble-headed snob. 297 00:20:09,224 --> 00:20:10,794 So, how are things working out at the Barn? 298 00:20:11,267 --> 00:20:14,361 Very well, actually. The residents are very special people. 299 00:20:15,462 --> 00:20:16,430 Special, indeed. 300 00:20:16,629 --> 00:20:18,362 Take it back! Say you like Irish whiskey. 301 00:20:19,014 --> 00:20:19,868 Excuse me. 302 00:20:24,070 --> 00:20:26,978 Oh, go on. A little heavy snoggin' with your husband's all you've been wanting. 303 00:20:27,753 --> 00:20:29,019 I beg your pardon? 304 00:20:29,225 --> 00:20:32,672 You know what we ladies need, sweetie? A good poke in the low whiskers. 305 00:20:32,884 --> 00:20:35,390 Yes, the lower whiskers, right next to the Scottish Highlands, 306 00:20:35,687 --> 00:20:37,343 a favorite vacation spot. Excuse us. 307 00:20:37,822 --> 00:20:40,695 - No, Taj. I was talking about her vagina. - Yes. 308 00:20:44,614 --> 00:20:48,239 I would like to welcome everyone to the official opening 309 00:20:49,092 --> 00:20:51,926 of the competition for the Hastings Cup. 310 00:20:52,655 --> 00:20:55,949 Why do they call it a competition when we always win? 311 00:20:56,491 --> 00:20:59,548 The Hastings Cup represents all that is best in a university. 312 00:21:00,258 --> 00:21:03,931 Camford's most gifted have competed for 600 years. 313 00:21:04,401 --> 00:21:06,717 And now it gives me great pleasure 314 00:21:07,345 --> 00:21:10,733 to introduce the winners of last year's competition, 315 00:21:11,207 --> 00:21:14,808 the Foxes and the Hounds. 316 00:21:19,919 --> 00:21:21,057 Thank you, sir. 317 00:21:21,530 --> 00:21:23,232 On behalf of my fellow members, 318 00:21:23,464 --> 00:21:25,539 I'd like to wish the other houses the best of luck 319 00:21:26,013 --> 00:21:29,540 on this year's competition. May the best lads win. 320 00:21:38,222 --> 00:21:40,635 Don't let that little Indian fellow put you down, Charlie. 321 00:21:40,965 --> 00:21:42,871 He's hardly worth putting a frown on your beautiful face. 322 00:21:44,698 --> 00:21:45,950 Why was he upset with you? 323 00:21:46,962 --> 00:21:49,087 I think he was rejected from the Fox and Hounds the other day. 324 00:21:49,803 --> 00:21:51,467 Poor bloke was devastated. 325 00:21:52,368 --> 00:21:55,437 You know, perhaps I'll have a word. Cheer him up. 326 00:21:56,641 --> 00:21:58,518 You're sweet. 327 00:21:59,843 --> 00:22:01,546 It's all part of being an earl, my dear. 328 00:22:01,958 --> 00:22:03,153 Constructive criticism. 329 00:22:03,390 --> 00:22:05,425 Seamus, we need to work on your anger management skills. 330 00:22:05,674 --> 00:22:06,476 Sadie, close your legs. 331 00:22:06,672 --> 00:22:08,400 We just need to figure out exactly how much you can drink. 332 00:22:08,597 --> 00:22:09,640 And, Gethin... 333 00:22:12,431 --> 00:22:13,544 Oh, Gethin, sit up straight... 334 00:22:13,897 --> 00:22:14,899 Excuse me, Raji. 335 00:22:15,149 --> 00:22:16,374 - My name is Taj. - I don't care. 336 00:22:16,860 --> 00:22:18,445 I just wanted to share a little tidbit with you. 337 00:22:19,097 --> 00:22:21,515 When my great-great-grandfather, Rupert Everett the Third, 338 00:22:21,719 --> 00:22:23,634 became the first governor of the Indian colony, 339 00:22:24,263 --> 00:22:26,027 he also took on a band of pet monkeys. 340 00:22:26,683 --> 00:22:28,900 But he used to keep his outside. There's the door. 341 00:22:29,494 --> 00:22:31,407 Please make sure it hits all of you on the way out. 342 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:33,472 - Oh, Poop? - It's Pip. 343 00:22:33,761 --> 00:22:37,987 I know. A friend of mine used to say that if you can't join them, beat them. 344 00:22:38,599 --> 00:22:40,124 You might want to write that down. 345 00:23:03,037 --> 00:23:07,165 Hi, ladies and gentlemen. I am Taj Mahal Badalandabad 346 00:23:07,365 --> 00:23:08,680 - What the hell is he doing? - ...and I have an important 347 00:23:08,918 --> 00:23:10,403 - Holy crap. He's gone bleeding mad. - ...announcement. 348 00:23:10,598 --> 00:23:12,565 And in the spirit of the inaugural ball, 349 00:23:12,903 --> 00:23:16,892 I would like to announce the formation of a new fraternal house, commencing now. 350 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:22,136 Ladies and gentlemen, please get your first look at the smart, the sexy, 351 00:23:23,502 --> 00:23:27,679 the very literal-minded, wearing black tie only, 352 00:23:28,332 --> 00:23:30,655 Cock and Bulls. 353 00:23:44,317 --> 00:23:46,098 We'll never be able to show our faces again. 354 00:23:46,822 --> 00:23:48,506 We're the laughingstock of the whole bloody school. 355 00:23:48,883 --> 00:23:49,674 To hell with the lot of them. 356 00:23:49,901 --> 00:23:51,296 What is with the lack of self-image? 357 00:23:52,917 --> 00:23:55,296 You know, we have the potential to be the best house on this campus. 358 00:23:55,727 --> 00:23:56,835 And I would go so far as to say 359 00:23:57,152 --> 00:23:58,880 that we could even win the Hastings Cup this year. 360 00:23:59,092 --> 00:24:00,777 How the hell could we win the cup? 361 00:24:00,956 --> 00:24:03,529 Seamus, winning the cup is based on accumulating points 362 00:24:03,745 --> 00:24:05,662 in academics, athletics and social services. 363 00:24:06,239 --> 00:24:08,533 - Now, Gethin here excels... - Hold on, hold on, hold on. 364 00:24:08,835 --> 00:24:09,825 I'm a banged-up rugby player, 365 00:24:10,441 --> 00:24:12,346 she's a sausage jockey for the price of a pint 366 00:24:12,704 --> 00:24:13,599 Oi! And dinner. 367 00:24:13,982 --> 00:24:16,062 ...and he's got the bleeding personality of a toaster oven. 368 00:24:17,025 --> 00:24:20,442 So, you've decided to accept defeat before you've even tried, huh? 369 00:24:21,060 --> 00:24:24,467 What if Columbus had done that just because of a bout with seasickness? 370 00:24:24,897 --> 00:24:28,043 Or if Babe Ruth had decided to walk off after his first rookie season 371 00:24:28,319 --> 00:24:29,684 just because of a little syphilis? 372 00:24:30,388 --> 00:24:32,869 Or what if Ravi Shankar had decided to give up the sitar 373 00:24:33,295 --> 00:24:36,767 just because he knew he'd be able get a lot more chooch playing the guitar? 374 00:24:37,958 --> 00:24:43,112 You guys, society has always stifled those with great minds. 375 00:24:44,730 --> 00:24:46,083 I believe in you. 376 00:24:47,327 --> 00:24:48,903 And you should too. 377 00:24:50,199 --> 00:24:50,789 Now, 378 00:24:52,568 --> 00:24:54,908 to the Cock and Bulls. 379 00:24:56,264 --> 00:24:58,671 I said, to the Cock and Bulls. 380 00:25:00,207 --> 00:25:03,383 - To the Cock and Bulls. - To the Cock and Bulls. 381 00:25:03,612 --> 00:25:05,804 - To the Cock and Bulls. - To the Cock and Bulls. 382 00:25:06,120 --> 00:25:07,644 To the Cock and Bulls! 383 00:25:07,832 --> 00:25:10,461 Why do you insist on manipulating the table like that 384 00:25:10,662 --> 00:25:12,176 with the fist, coming down? 385 00:25:15,964 --> 00:25:17,895 - Morning. - Morning. 386 00:25:19,090 --> 00:25:19,727 You know, 387 00:25:21,297 --> 00:25:23,253 I was rather wonderful last night, wasn't I? 388 00:25:23,692 --> 00:25:24,775 I was here, too, you know. 389 00:25:26,048 --> 00:25:29,141 No, not the sex, silly. I was talking about our dinner with Lord Wrightwood. 390 00:25:29,606 --> 00:25:30,744 How do you think it went? 391 00:25:31,037 --> 00:25:33,366 Well, you fawned over his every word. 392 00:25:33,607 --> 00:25:36,414 I half expected you to get up from the table and kiss his ass. 393 00:25:36,802 --> 00:25:37,977 I thought it went well, too. 394 00:25:38,261 --> 00:25:40,574 And after graduation, I'm sure he'll be happy to oblige me 395 00:25:40,805 --> 00:25:42,551 with a recommendation for a diplomatic position. 396 00:25:43,472 --> 00:25:46,372 Pip, class isn't for an hour. Come back to bed for a bit. 397 00:25:47,025 --> 00:25:48,885 But I haven't done my exercises yet. 398 00:25:49,196 --> 00:25:52,120 - And I have to exfoliate. - I can put a glow on your cheeks. 399 00:25:52,314 --> 00:25:54,580 Charlie, hello. We did it last night. 400 00:25:55,709 --> 00:25:59,406 Wednesday. Our night. 401 00:26:01,996 --> 00:26:04,338 I don't understand why we have to have a night. 402 00:26:04,945 --> 00:26:06,911 Why can't we just do it whenever we feel like it? 403 00:26:07,228 --> 00:26:08,875 Because we're British and we control ourselves. 404 00:26:09,112 --> 00:26:10,390 Charlie, I have a busy schedule. 405 00:26:10,740 --> 00:26:12,642 And I'd rather not tell people I have no energy 406 00:26:12,884 --> 00:26:14,492 because I was off fornicating all night. 407 00:26:15,007 --> 00:26:17,160 Now, which shirt do you like better? 408 00:26:18,177 --> 00:26:21,009 Mauve or turbot? I like the mauve. 409 00:26:21,256 --> 00:26:23,034 But it is difficult with my jaw line. 410 00:26:26,772 --> 00:26:28,922 "We have this day given order 411 00:26:29,748 --> 00:26:34,411 "to our Chancellor of the United Kingdom and our Chancellor of Ireland, 412 00:26:35,328 --> 00:26:37,695 "that they do respectively upon notice here 413 00:26:37,900 --> 00:26:41,869 "of forewith issues of writ effective immediately 414 00:26:42,106 --> 00:26:45,192 "that pigs and chickens will no longer be tolerated 415 00:26:45,427 --> 00:26:47,221 "in the House of Commons." 416 00:26:47,502 --> 00:26:51,293 Would anyone like to comment on the House of the Lords journal 417 00:26:51,514 --> 00:26:55,533 volume 64, August 1832? 418 00:26:58,049 --> 00:26:59,698 Yeah. Me, neither. 419 00:27:00,410 --> 00:27:02,171 God, this is boring. 420 00:27:06,870 --> 00:27:09,859 Everybody rip out page 32. 421 00:27:11,248 --> 00:27:12,555 - Sir? - You heard me. 422 00:27:13,019 --> 00:27:15,235 Everybody rip out page 32. 423 00:27:15,946 --> 00:27:18,348 You've seen Dead Poets Society. Rip out page 32. 424 00:27:19,523 --> 00:27:22,650 Come on, if you don't rip out page 32, I'll fail all of you. 425 00:27:23,212 --> 00:27:24,247 Yes! 426 00:27:28,082 --> 00:27:30,307 God, these things are so old, they're petrified. 427 00:27:30,539 --> 00:27:32,683 You know what, just throw the whole damn thing out the window. 428 00:27:35,516 --> 00:27:36,890 I think he's plumb sauced, he is. 429 00:27:37,075 --> 00:27:39,190 Sir, I don't think throwing books out is such a good idea. 430 00:27:41,066 --> 00:27:42,384 Yes, there you go, Seamus. 431 00:27:42,628 --> 00:27:43,729 See, everybody do that, 432 00:27:43,924 --> 00:27:46,436 and send these books back to the 1800s where they belong. 433 00:27:57,310 --> 00:27:59,316 - Come on, Gethin. - No, I can't. 434 00:28:00,346 --> 00:28:02,584 Haven't you ever heard of the expression "in with the old, out with the new"? 435 00:28:02,890 --> 00:28:04,699 Yes, sir. But I think the actual expression is... 436 00:28:05,002 --> 00:28:07,357 Oh, it doesn't matter what the actual expression is, Gethin. 437 00:28:08,119 --> 00:28:10,315 Why are you thinking when you should be throwing? 438 00:28:10,712 --> 00:28:11,983 Ejaculate your book. 439 00:28:12,157 --> 00:28:14,082 Yeah, go on, Gethie. Get over it. 440 00:28:14,293 --> 00:28:15,619 Give it a throw, limey. 441 00:28:16,374 --> 00:28:20,136 Come on, Gethin. Expunge 20 years of oppression out the window. 442 00:28:31,495 --> 00:28:35,227 Mr. Badalandabad, might I see you out in the hall? 443 00:28:35,835 --> 00:28:37,172 Certainly. 444 00:28:39,211 --> 00:28:40,587 Excuse me, class. 445 00:28:40,870 --> 00:28:43,016 Why don't you all read chapter two while I'm gone? 446 00:28:45,853 --> 00:28:47,284 But we haven't got any books. 447 00:28:49,946 --> 00:28:52,020 Have you gone completely and utterly mad? 448 00:28:52,798 --> 00:28:54,625 I don't know how you did things at Coolidge College. 449 00:28:54,883 --> 00:28:57,368 - You've been checking on me. - Yes. And, frankly, I'm concerned. 450 00:28:57,659 --> 00:29:00,062 And as your supervisor, it's my job to make sure that there's... 451 00:29:00,243 --> 00:29:01,964 Wait, wait, wait. You're my supervisor? 452 00:29:03,516 --> 00:29:07,535 Well, I... Let me just say then that I am so enthused to be under you. 453 00:29:09,355 --> 00:29:11,137 What I mean is that I'm extremely hard. 454 00:29:12,302 --> 00:29:14,570 Hard-pressed to... 455 00:29:14,819 --> 00:29:16,607 Mr. Badalandabad, it really doesn't even matter 456 00:29:16,805 --> 00:29:18,221 what you think of me or of the textbooks. 457 00:29:18,967 --> 00:29:21,114 Because if you wish to receive your doctorate from this university, 458 00:29:21,313 --> 00:29:23,321 you'll have to follow the rules set forth by... 459 00:29:23,551 --> 00:29:24,751 By men who what? 460 00:29:24,932 --> 00:29:29,296 Who wore funny boxer shorts and garter belts and died decades ago? 461 00:29:29,902 --> 00:29:34,188 Who never saw a man walk on the moon or listened to Lil' Kim on an MP3 player 462 00:29:34,434 --> 00:29:36,520 or watched muff-to-muff triple-penetration cooch-munching 463 00:29:36,727 --> 00:29:38,260 - on the internet? - What does that have to do with anything? 464 00:29:38,510 --> 00:29:40,132 Okay. Maybe, that was a bit much. I'm sorry. 465 00:29:40,579 --> 00:29:42,027 But my point, Miss Higginson, 466 00:29:42,228 --> 00:29:44,624 is that there is more than one way to skin a mongoose. 467 00:29:45,845 --> 00:29:49,674 History can be about so much more than random dates and ancient artifacts. 468 00:29:49,872 --> 00:29:51,612 It can teach us about ourselves. 469 00:29:51,861 --> 00:29:54,651 About our flaws, our hopes, even our dreams. 470 00:29:54,869 --> 00:29:57,094 And all I'm saying, Mr. Badalandabad, 471 00:29:57,943 --> 00:30:01,741 is that at this university, there's only one way to skin a mongoose. 472 00:30:02,012 --> 00:30:03,567 And it's my way. 473 00:30:04,656 --> 00:30:06,057 Good day. 474 00:30:14,692 --> 00:30:15,891 Ladies and gentlemen, 475 00:30:16,422 --> 00:30:19,676 welcome to the opening event of seven competitions 476 00:30:20,186 --> 00:30:24,099 between our five fraternal houses for the Hastings Cup. 477 00:30:26,640 --> 00:30:28,120 They're bleeding huge. 478 00:30:28,940 --> 00:30:32,134 Guys, come on, it's badminton. The game is played with a limp wrist. 479 00:30:32,496 --> 00:30:33,551 How hard could it be? 480 00:30:39,815 --> 00:30:40,932 Simon. 481 00:30:41,455 --> 00:30:42,355 You were saying? 482 00:31:12,102 --> 00:31:15,453 Okay. It is probably safe to assume 483 00:31:15,683 --> 00:31:18,765 that we will probably not emerge victorious from this match. 484 00:31:19,231 --> 00:31:23,059 However, it's very important that we maintain our dignities. 485 00:31:23,763 --> 00:31:25,495 Gethin, just get the serve in. 486 00:31:25,595 --> 00:31:27,495 - Fine. - I have an idea. 487 00:31:27,714 --> 00:31:28,976 Sadie... 488 00:31:48,084 --> 00:31:49,722 Simon, it's yours! 489 00:31:55,217 --> 00:31:57,483 Game, Fox and Hounds. 490 00:31:57,704 --> 00:31:59,121 It was not so bad. 491 00:32:00,918 --> 00:32:04,395 Okay, it was so bad, but why are you refusing to look on the bright side? 492 00:32:04,583 --> 00:32:06,414 Oh, we're going to bleed to death of internal injuries? 493 00:32:06,627 --> 00:32:08,917 No, we have made an impression. 494 00:32:09,362 --> 00:32:11,766 I mean, would you rather be miserable and known, 495 00:32:12,402 --> 00:32:13,382 or miserable and anonymous? 496 00:32:13,592 --> 00:32:14,560 - Anonymous. - Anonymous. 497 00:32:14,766 --> 00:32:16,063 Sir, I think we were fooling ourselves 498 00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:18,550 to believe we had even the tiniest chance of winning this. 499 00:32:18,751 --> 00:32:20,450 We're on the board. We're actually on the board. 500 00:32:21,036 --> 00:32:22,479 Yeah, but it doesn't mean anything. 501 00:32:23,063 --> 00:32:26,166 Everybody gets a point for entering. We're still 499 points away. 502 00:32:26,513 --> 00:32:30,026 Okay, Captain Optimistic, you are wrong. This is a beginning. 503 00:32:31,692 --> 00:32:32,626 Oh, by the by, 504 00:32:33,245 --> 00:32:35,225 just because you're making a spectacle of yourselves, 505 00:32:35,939 --> 00:32:38,191 it doesn't mean you're not still invisible to the rest of us. 506 00:32:38,383 --> 00:32:39,673 That's great, Pip, 507 00:32:40,194 --> 00:32:43,396 because it's very difficult to beat something that you cannot see. 508 00:32:44,001 --> 00:32:47,449 Beat you? You and your sorry lot aren't even worth spitting on. 509 00:32:48,314 --> 00:32:49,420 Diarrhea face. 510 00:32:49,652 --> 00:32:50,502 - Sorry, what did you just call me? - What? 511 00:32:50,967 --> 00:32:52,836 - No, no, no, you definitely said something. - No, I didn't say anything. 512 00:32:53,035 --> 00:32:53,888 - What was it? - No, I didn't... 513 00:32:54,065 --> 00:32:55,709 - You called me diarrhea face. - Really, did I? 514 00:33:00,442 --> 00:33:02,787 Samus there's a time and a place to hit people. 515 00:33:03,170 --> 00:33:06,091 Yesterday was the wrong time and today is the right place 516 00:33:06,288 --> 00:33:08,991 and here you can win points towards the Hastings Cup. 517 00:33:10,727 --> 00:33:13,005 Hey, Coach, you need another player? 518 00:33:13,432 --> 00:33:14,947 This guy? No way. 519 00:33:15,390 --> 00:33:16,086 Oh, really? 520 00:33:19,219 --> 00:33:20,430 That's one way to do it. 521 00:33:21,740 --> 00:33:22,734 Welcome. 522 00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:24,748 Ladies and gentlemen, 523 00:33:24,951 --> 00:33:28,163 I'm sure our palates were titillated from the last selection, 524 00:33:28,687 --> 00:33:31,006 but I have an even finer vintage to present to you now. 525 00:33:31,444 --> 00:33:35,648 I must hand it to you, Charlotte. You've done an excellent job with the TAs. 526 00:33:36,885 --> 00:33:37,897 Thank you, Provost. 527 00:33:38,542 --> 00:33:39,802 It's always been my theory 528 00:33:40,009 --> 00:33:41,931 that as long as you're clear with your rules and expectations, 529 00:33:42,656 --> 00:33:44,246 people generally will fall in... 530 00:33:49,385 --> 00:33:50,807 Excuse me one moment. Sorry. 531 00:33:51,590 --> 00:33:54,634 The next cognac you'll be tasting is from a 1793 bottle from the Loire region... 532 00:33:58,775 --> 00:33:59,396 Of France. 533 00:34:00,361 --> 00:34:02,434 Of France. A fine vintage, as I was saying. 534 00:34:04,441 --> 00:34:05,480 So, despite all of their money, 535 00:34:05,698 --> 00:34:07,604 all those statues are actually completely worthless. 536 00:34:07,814 --> 00:34:08,886 What is going on? 537 00:34:09,262 --> 00:34:12,520 Field trip. We're observing the double-breasted, blue-blooded snot. 538 00:34:13,121 --> 00:34:14,228 You're bird watching? 539 00:34:14,492 --> 00:34:17,366 No, no, no, we're observing the behavior of British aristocracy. 540 00:34:18,210 --> 00:34:19,009 Now. 541 00:34:19,963 --> 00:34:21,207 BRB. 542 00:34:21,958 --> 00:34:24,114 I told you to stick to the assigned curriculum. 543 00:34:24,357 --> 00:34:26,570 Yes, and as I explained to you, the assigned curriculum was... 544 00:34:26,785 --> 00:34:28,185 Was something I felt very strongly about. 545 00:34:28,551 --> 00:34:29,677 Which is why I propose a challenge. 546 00:34:30,754 --> 00:34:32,048 - Pardon me? - A challenge. 547 00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:33,637 You see, I believe 548 00:34:33,849 --> 00:34:36,402 that my students' academic achievements are better enhanced 549 00:34:36,729 --> 00:34:37,994 through a series of field trips. 550 00:34:38,170 --> 00:34:39,300 Oh, you do, do you? 551 00:34:39,494 --> 00:34:40,868 Yes, and given the fact 552 00:34:41,072 --> 00:34:43,329 that we have a philosophical difference in our teaching methods, 553 00:34:44,105 --> 00:34:47,629 I suggest that we settle our disputes through a challenge of some sort. 554 00:34:48,342 --> 00:34:50,229 That way, if I win, I can continue as planned, and if... 555 00:34:50,425 --> 00:34:53,110 No! There will be no challenges. 556 00:34:53,742 --> 00:34:56,171 This isn't a grade school playground, Mr. Badalandabad. 557 00:34:57,264 --> 00:34:59,537 If you wish to receive your doctorate from this university, 558 00:35:00,172 --> 00:35:02,909 you'll have to follow the assigned curriculum. Good night. 559 00:35:04,557 --> 00:35:05,966 I figured you might be scared. 560 00:35:07,407 --> 00:35:10,403 The last thing I am in this world is scared of you. 561 00:35:11,256 --> 00:35:14,918 I accept your challenge, which means I get to choose the weapons. 562 00:35:15,530 --> 00:35:18,071 Great. The weapons? 563 00:35:22,022 --> 00:35:24,032 Charlotte, is it just me, or do these absurd paintings 564 00:35:24,204 --> 00:35:26,574 bear a striking resemblance to your absurd boyfriend? 565 00:35:27,324 --> 00:35:28,537 We are in Everett Hall. 566 00:35:29,137 --> 00:35:30,179 Everett Hall. 567 00:35:33,234 --> 00:35:36,234 Oh, please tell me it's Earl of Grey tea contained in this. 568 00:35:36,481 --> 00:35:39,125 The ashes of six generations of Everetts are contained here. 569 00:35:39,653 --> 00:35:41,844 Well, when it's Pip's turn, they're going to have to build a new hall 570 00:35:42,098 --> 00:35:43,219 just to contain his ego. 571 00:35:43,832 --> 00:35:45,304 Shall we begin? 572 00:35:46,754 --> 00:35:48,737 Begin? Yes, let's begin. 573 00:35:54,428 --> 00:35:56,989 Not bad, Miss Higginson, but you should know 574 00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:00,119 that I extensively studied fencing at the university. 575 00:36:05,484 --> 00:36:07,976 University fencing champion. Twice in a row. 576 00:36:08,513 --> 00:36:10,383 I was planning on showing you some mercy, but... 577 00:36:25,531 --> 00:36:26,755 What the hell was that? 578 00:36:27,462 --> 00:36:30,215 It's the Rathbone. My fencing teacher taught it to me. 579 00:36:30,728 --> 00:36:31,892 He's quite a good swordsman. 580 00:36:32,075 --> 00:36:35,005 Ah, yes. I've had a few ladies tell me that myself. 581 00:36:35,774 --> 00:36:38,669 Miss Higginson, have you ever seen the movie Zorro? 582 00:36:40,722 --> 00:36:41,976 I have. 583 00:36:43,381 --> 00:36:44,667 Six times. 584 00:36:51,614 --> 00:36:53,153 Nine times. 585 00:37:07,396 --> 00:37:09,837 Count yourself lucky the only thing you lost were your pants. 586 00:37:13,245 --> 00:37:15,798 It's a shame, Miss Higginson. You would have enjoyed the trip. 587 00:37:16,663 --> 00:37:18,759 - I'll be on that field trip. - Will you? 588 00:37:19,283 --> 00:37:23,505 That way, when I have you replaced, I'll be able to explain my reasons. 589 00:37:24,477 --> 00:37:25,562 Good night. 590 00:37:34,607 --> 00:37:37,291 On the right is the famous Tower of London, 591 00:37:37,512 --> 00:37:43,343 where Queen Elizabeth I imprisoned her explorer boyfriend, Sir Walter Raleigh, 592 00:37:43,754 --> 00:37:46,279 after he was found doing the freaky-deaky 593 00:37:46,565 --> 00:37:47,854 with one of her ladies-in-waiting. 594 00:37:48,470 --> 00:37:51,524 Presently people line up outside the tower to see the crown jewels, 595 00:37:52,142 --> 00:37:55,780 which were stolen during the brutal British occupation of India. 596 00:37:56,266 --> 00:37:57,863 The crown jewels are actually quite magnificent. 597 00:37:58,917 --> 00:38:01,957 I don't think anyone's ever waited an hour and a half online to see mine. 598 00:38:02,801 --> 00:38:04,996 Actually, there was that one time at Coolidge. 599 00:38:14,945 --> 00:38:16,144 Now, this is the area 600 00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:21,177 where Charles Dickens used to observe the injustices of London's class system. 601 00:38:22,044 --> 00:38:24,600 "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." 602 00:38:25,071 --> 00:38:26,166 Write that down. 603 00:38:27,622 --> 00:38:30,924 Come on, guys, let's go. Don't stop to stare, it's just an old church. 604 00:38:44,059 --> 00:38:48,476 On the left, in Trafalgar Square, is a statue of Admiral Horatio Nelson, 605 00:38:48,834 --> 00:38:50,266 Britain's most famous war hero. 606 00:38:50,844 --> 00:38:56,118 Nelson lost an arm, an eye, an ear and a leg in various battles. 607 00:38:56,587 --> 00:38:58,156 Towards the end, the poor guy was nothing more 608 00:38:58,361 --> 00:39:00,709 than a broomstick with a cute little admiral's hat on. 609 00:39:09,048 --> 00:39:09,972 Oh, God. 610 00:39:10,789 --> 00:39:12,732 That four-eyed geek's staring at us. 611 00:39:13,312 --> 00:39:14,834 No, I believe he's staring at me. 612 00:39:18,380 --> 00:39:19,836 Hi, is this seat taken? 613 00:39:21,164 --> 00:39:22,188 What do I do? 614 00:39:22,537 --> 00:39:24,729 Open your cakehole, you bleeding idiot, and tell her how you feel. 615 00:39:28,874 --> 00:39:32,325 You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life 616 00:39:33,091 --> 00:39:35,698 and I'd give two years' tuition to sleep with you. 617 00:39:36,198 --> 00:39:37,433 That's being a bit too honest, mate. 618 00:39:38,351 --> 00:39:41,079 You're sweet. You're like a horny little Care Bear. 619 00:39:42,135 --> 00:39:43,798 Okay, I think. 620 00:39:56,451 --> 00:39:58,118 What's so special about this place? 621 00:39:58,459 --> 00:40:00,934 The best fish and chips in all of London. Come on. 622 00:40:01,778 --> 00:40:06,045 And then, Winnie looked up, gazed at me over his glasses and said, 623 00:40:07,310 --> 00:40:10,100 "I see you're adept at running numbers, 624 00:40:11,203 --> 00:40:13,944 "but how good are you at cracking code?" 625 00:40:15,416 --> 00:40:18,935 And that, children, is how I saved England. 626 00:40:19,666 --> 00:40:24,537 Wait a minute. Winnie? You? You knew Winston Churchill? 627 00:40:24,958 --> 00:40:30,240 Well, I'm not talking about Winnie the bleeding Pooh, am I? 628 00:40:31,758 --> 00:40:35,336 - Jackie, where's that pint? - Coming right up. 629 00:40:35,576 --> 00:40:36,731 I owe you an apology. 630 00:40:37,196 --> 00:40:39,915 I completely underestimated you. You're a wonderful teacher. 631 00:40:40,431 --> 00:40:41,246 Thank you. 632 00:40:41,867 --> 00:40:42,977 So, I take it you had fun today. 633 00:40:43,223 --> 00:40:44,917 Are you kidding me? I had a ball. 634 00:40:46,101 --> 00:40:48,491 Oh, my God, the ball. 635 00:40:50,174 --> 00:40:51,596 The House of Lords is still debating 636 00:40:51,844 --> 00:40:53,853 the proposal on the West End theater project, 637 00:40:54,130 --> 00:40:55,944 but I think that we have to come together on this 638 00:40:56,142 --> 00:40:58,366 to find a viable way and move forward. 639 00:40:58,719 --> 00:41:00,201 Bloody bastard! 640 00:41:02,072 --> 00:41:03,851 Okay, just one man's opinion. 641 00:41:05,589 --> 00:41:08,491 Oh, not you, Lord Wrightwood. My apologies. 642 00:41:09,981 --> 00:41:11,294 Please excuse me. 643 00:41:13,866 --> 00:41:15,515 What the hell is he doing here? 644 00:41:16,443 --> 00:41:18,578 Taj is a friend and guest, Pip. 645 00:41:19,645 --> 00:41:22,018 And I'd appreciate you making him feel part of this evening. 646 00:41:23,970 --> 00:41:26,583 You know, Charlotte, you're right. I didn't mean to be rude. 647 00:41:27,494 --> 00:41:28,858 Thanks, Pip. 648 00:41:29,709 --> 00:41:32,863 "And the fire that breaks from thee then, 649 00:41:33,115 --> 00:41:35,032 "a billion times lovelier, 650 00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:37,479 "more dangerous, 651 00:41:38,217 --> 00:41:40,896 "O, my chevalier! 652 00:41:41,843 --> 00:41:47,085 "No wonder of it. Shine, and blue-bleak embers, my dear, 653 00:41:49,548 --> 00:41:52,664 "Fall, gall themselves, 654 00:41:53,106 --> 00:41:56,621 "and gash gold-vermillion." 655 00:42:02,564 --> 00:42:05,283 Thank you, Sir Wilfred, that was a real treat. 656 00:42:07,692 --> 00:42:10,955 Now, as is tradition in the literary ball, 657 00:42:11,297 --> 00:42:13,654 I'd like to call on a member of our visiting faculty 658 00:42:14,189 --> 00:42:18,217 to share with us his favorite British poet. 659 00:42:19,232 --> 00:42:21,437 Taj Badalandabad. 660 00:42:23,218 --> 00:42:25,624 To the podium, please. 661 00:42:32,267 --> 00:42:34,558 Pip, this certainly comes as a surprise. 662 00:42:34,961 --> 00:42:39,447 I think that it's important a visiting foreign instructor like Mr. Badalandabad 663 00:42:39,913 --> 00:42:43,516 have an appreciation for the heritage and culture with which he hopes to teach. 664 00:42:44,566 --> 00:42:46,347 - Have fun, Raji. - Thank you. 665 00:42:58,741 --> 00:43:00,054 "There's a lady, 666 00:43:01,492 --> 00:43:06,056 "who is sure that all that glitters is gold, 667 00:43:07,568 --> 00:43:10,971 "because she's buying a stairway in Hampstead." 668 00:43:14,198 --> 00:43:18,536 Now, she can't get no satisfaction. 669 00:43:19,142 --> 00:43:22,576 No. No, no, no. No, she can't get no satisfaction, none at all, 670 00:43:23,470 --> 00:43:27,799 even when she's driving in her smart car 671 00:43:28,251 --> 00:43:30,739 or listening on the radio. 672 00:43:31,895 --> 00:43:35,702 Or even when she's pleading with Roxanne to turn on the red light. 673 00:43:36,341 --> 00:43:38,586 Damn it, Roxanne, turn on that red light, 674 00:43:38,860 --> 00:43:42,463 or Maxwell's Silver Hammer will come smashing down upon your head. 675 00:43:43,018 --> 00:43:45,943 Turn on that red light, you bitch, Roxanne, 676 00:43:46,217 --> 00:43:49,511 or we'll all end up in a big white house with black curtains at the station. 677 00:43:51,185 --> 00:43:53,910 Or would you rather live along the watchtower? No. 678 00:43:54,962 --> 00:43:56,929 Then turn on the red light, Roxanne, 679 00:43:57,218 --> 00:43:59,950 or I'll have my 19th nervous breakdown for real. 680 00:44:00,919 --> 00:44:02,210 It's the real thing. 681 00:44:03,224 --> 00:44:04,807 It's even better than the real thing. 682 00:44:06,718 --> 00:44:09,824 I really want you all to want me. 683 00:44:10,341 --> 00:44:15,381 I really want to take all of you higher, trust me. 684 00:44:17,066 --> 00:44:20,039 Do I look like an American idiot to you? 685 00:44:22,470 --> 00:44:23,814 No. 686 00:44:24,954 --> 00:44:30,632 Which is why I wish you all the time of your life. 687 00:44:42,362 --> 00:44:43,664 Thanks. 688 00:44:45,731 --> 00:44:47,288 Jolly good show. 689 00:44:48,571 --> 00:44:50,120 - You liked it? - Absolutely. 690 00:44:50,597 --> 00:44:51,798 That young man's presentation 691 00:44:52,055 --> 00:44:54,645 strung together the words of the poets of the street. 692 00:44:55,059 --> 00:44:57,912 Not unlike the American rapper, Eminem, whom I rather dig. 693 00:45:04,144 --> 00:45:05,864 You know, I love the British limerick as well. 694 00:45:06,365 --> 00:45:08,455 In fact, I read one at Kensington station just last week. 695 00:45:08,712 --> 00:45:09,416 Tell me if you know it. 696 00:45:10,132 --> 00:45:11,935 "There once was a woman from Heath, 697 00:45:12,440 --> 00:45:14,086 "who circumcised men with her teeth." 698 00:45:14,978 --> 00:45:16,131 Taj. 699 00:45:17,454 --> 00:45:20,586 I'd like you to meet my parents, Martha and Richard. 700 00:45:21,086 --> 00:45:22,527 And of course you know Sir Wilfred. 701 00:45:22,987 --> 00:45:24,576 Hello, it's a pleasure to meet both of you. 702 00:45:24,870 --> 00:45:26,644 I can certainly see where Charlotte gets her 703 00:45:29,032 --> 00:45:30,291 sense of seriousness from. 704 00:45:33,806 --> 00:45:36,058 You put on a very impressive exhibition tonight, young man. 705 00:45:36,299 --> 00:45:36,946 You should be congratulated. 706 00:45:37,363 --> 00:45:40,239 Thank you very much. I actually owe it all to my good friend Pip here, 707 00:45:40,443 --> 00:45:43,737 who encouraged when others would have discouraged. Thanks, Pip. 708 00:45:44,264 --> 00:45:47,386 Young man, I want you to have a drink with me. 709 00:45:47,871 --> 00:45:49,327 Sure. Excuse me. 710 00:45:51,581 --> 00:45:53,123 He's quite clever, isn't he? 711 00:45:53,629 --> 00:45:56,407 I think I need a drink myself. Martha, would you care to join me? 712 00:45:56,863 --> 00:45:58,034 Yes. 713 00:45:59,948 --> 00:46:01,451 This Raj fellow... 714 00:46:02,010 --> 00:46:03,477 Taj, his name is Taj. 715 00:46:03,761 --> 00:46:04,684 Right, Taj, then. 716 00:46:05,266 --> 00:46:08,327 I believe he's been creating quite a scuttlebutt at school as well. 717 00:46:08,815 --> 00:46:11,554 Oh, he just has an original way of doing things. 718 00:46:12,043 --> 00:46:14,144 Charles, you're more than old enough to make your own friends, 719 00:46:14,384 --> 00:46:17,456 but it would be a pity to jeopardize your relationship with Pip. 720 00:46:18,061 --> 00:46:20,299 The Everetts are a very important family. 721 00:46:20,636 --> 00:46:24,646 Yes, I know, Daddy. Pip's reminded me many times. 722 00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:25,776 All I'm saying is, 723 00:46:26,546 --> 00:46:30,230 it's not every girl that gets the opportunity to become the wife of an earl. 724 00:46:30,925 --> 00:46:32,286 I'm sure you'll make the right decision. 725 00:46:47,783 --> 00:46:49,366 Sir, are you sure we get points for this? 726 00:46:49,705 --> 00:46:51,799 Seventy-five, Gethin. Winner take all. 727 00:47:01,972 --> 00:47:02,852 I've run a few numbers, sir. 728 00:47:03,060 --> 00:47:05,459 Their beer gut intake is almost incalculably large. 729 00:47:06,966 --> 00:47:09,555 Have some faith, Gethin. There are forces of nature at work here. 730 00:47:14,849 --> 00:47:17,064 Stop staring at her tits, they're fake. 731 00:47:29,319 --> 00:47:30,951 They've actually moved up in the standings. 732 00:47:31,315 --> 00:47:32,545 Do you think that's cause for concern? 733 00:47:33,009 --> 00:47:33,908 With that lot? 734 00:47:34,597 --> 00:47:35,864 The only things we've got to worry about 735 00:47:36,053 --> 00:47:38,566 are communicable diseases and fashion faux pas. 736 00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:40,169 I mean, really. 737 00:47:41,055 --> 00:47:44,462 In his dashing exploits at the Battle of Cape St. Vincent 738 00:47:44,983 --> 00:47:46,795 and in his brilliant victory at the Battle of Trafalgar, 739 00:47:47,027 --> 00:47:50,901 Lord Nelson clearly proved himself to be Britain's greatest naval hero. 740 00:47:51,676 --> 00:47:53,234 He wrote to Lady Emma Hamilton, 741 00:47:53,908 --> 00:47:58,230 "I have always been 15 minutes ahead of my time and it has made a man of me." 742 00:47:59,654 --> 00:48:04,110 Now, who here thinks that Lord Nelson was a bit reckless during the Battle of... 743 00:48:05,959 --> 00:48:07,792 Cock and Bulls got so much soul! 744 00:48:08,293 --> 00:48:10,033 Cock and Bulls is in the house! 745 00:48:10,358 --> 00:48:11,070 - We rock! - What? 746 00:48:11,323 --> 00:48:12,178 - We roll! - What? 747 00:48:12,673 --> 00:48:14,530 Cock and Bulls got so much soul. 748 00:48:14,991 --> 00:48:16,681 Cock and Bulls is in the house. 749 00:48:17,972 --> 00:48:20,319 As I was saying, who here thinks that Nelson took too many chances with... 750 00:48:22,153 --> 00:48:25,813 We hereby challenge you to a reenactment of the Battle of Agincourt. 751 00:48:26,020 --> 00:48:27,726 We, naturally, will be the English, 752 00:48:27,920 --> 00:48:30,850 whereas you mangy vermin will be the French. 753 00:48:31,550 --> 00:48:32,944 What say you? 754 00:48:34,603 --> 00:48:37,852 Mr. Badalandabad, if you will insist on bursting into my class unannounced, 755 00:48:38,020 --> 00:48:40,710 - then I think you should prepare to... - No, we just wanted to have some fun. 756 00:48:40,907 --> 00:48:46,120 I really think you should prepare to get your ass kicked. 757 00:49:21,268 --> 00:49:22,053 Over there. 758 00:49:27,762 --> 00:49:29,478 Wait. Don't shoot. 759 00:49:29,937 --> 00:49:31,715 You big, strapping blokes 760 00:49:31,898 --> 00:49:34,267 wouldn't help me find my gun under this muck, would you? 761 00:49:37,730 --> 00:49:39,294 Oh, look, here it is. 762 00:49:53,085 --> 00:49:54,677 So long, misfit. 763 00:49:56,133 --> 00:49:58,412 Penny, I just bought these. 764 00:49:58,876 --> 00:50:00,909 Sorry, Lexie, finger must have slipped. 765 00:50:09,222 --> 00:50:10,180 Hey! 766 00:50:39,026 --> 00:50:41,025 You know, I'm sorry about Pip's behavior last night. 767 00:50:41,826 --> 00:50:44,225 He doesn't mean anything by it. He just doesn't know any better. 768 00:50:44,828 --> 00:50:47,280 Either that or he does know better and he just doesn't care. 769 00:50:47,806 --> 00:50:49,304 No, Taj, you don't understand. 770 00:50:50,288 --> 00:50:54,050 Pip comes from a very important family, one of the most powerful in England 771 00:50:54,230 --> 00:50:55,796 and sometimes you just have to overlook the... 772 00:50:57,732 --> 00:50:58,807 Do you know what? 773 00:50:59,861 --> 00:51:01,306 I sound just like my father. 774 00:51:02,685 --> 00:51:03,946 - Sorry. - It's all right. 775 00:51:04,817 --> 00:51:08,817 Look, aside from forgiving all of Pip's awful faults, 776 00:51:09,264 --> 00:51:12,471 what exactly would you like to do for the rest of your life? 777 00:51:13,390 --> 00:51:13,708 Oh, you'd laugh. 778 00:51:14,209 --> 00:51:15,055 No, I won't. 779 00:51:15,884 --> 00:51:17,181 It's absurd, really. 780 00:51:18,088 --> 00:51:20,081 I'd be one of the world's foremost archeologists, 781 00:51:21,261 --> 00:51:23,833 traveling the world in search of ancient antiquities. 782 00:51:25,847 --> 00:51:27,497 That sounds fascinating. 783 00:51:29,139 --> 00:51:30,563 It's not that easy. 784 00:51:31,033 --> 00:51:33,023 My parents have certain expectations of me 785 00:51:33,218 --> 00:51:35,014 and archeology certainly isn't one of them. 786 00:51:35,258 --> 00:51:36,196 As my mother says, 787 00:51:36,459 --> 00:51:39,530 "The future wife of an earl doesn't get on her hands and knees." 788 00:51:40,025 --> 00:51:41,367 Not with her rings on, anyway. 789 00:51:42,690 --> 00:51:43,794 How about you? 790 00:51:44,635 --> 00:51:46,803 What else would you like to do with your life? 791 00:51:48,727 --> 00:51:50,425 I want to be right here. 792 00:51:52,999 --> 00:51:55,206 The university is all the better for having you, 793 00:51:56,015 --> 00:51:58,753 - and your students absolutely love you. - No, I don't mean the university. 794 00:52:01,481 --> 00:52:04,866 I mean, just be here. 795 00:52:07,777 --> 00:52:11,226 What I'm trying to say is that I feel... 796 00:52:11,863 --> 00:52:13,819 I feel... 797 00:52:16,484 --> 00:52:17,639 My balls. 798 00:52:31,110 --> 00:52:32,456 Pip. 799 00:52:32,617 --> 00:52:34,082 What in God's name have you been doing? 800 00:52:34,326 --> 00:52:36,725 We've been reenacting the Battle of Agincourt. It was fantastic. 801 00:52:36,983 --> 00:52:37,816 You did what? 802 00:52:38,741 --> 00:52:41,465 I can't talk now. I'll call you later. 803 00:52:43,069 --> 00:52:44,718 Hey, wait up. 804 00:52:45,270 --> 00:52:47,445 They've been spending an awful lot of time together. 805 00:52:47,754 --> 00:52:49,961 You don't suppose that she and he are... 806 00:52:50,843 --> 00:52:52,952 Oh, God, no. Not my Charlie. 807 00:52:53,698 --> 00:52:56,336 No, I'm afraid the poor old dear has a soft spot 808 00:52:56,905 --> 00:52:58,303 for that curry-breathing cretin 809 00:52:58,520 --> 00:53:00,871 and his band of mutants, micks and whores. 810 00:53:01,192 --> 00:53:02,503 You always see the best in people. 811 00:53:02,768 --> 00:53:05,088 You know what they say. Lords have mercy. 812 00:53:06,482 --> 00:53:09,545 Welcome everyone to the Mastermind Challenge. 813 00:53:14,100 --> 00:53:17,132 The team that wins the challenge gets 50 points towards the Hastings Cup. 814 00:53:17,783 --> 00:53:20,246 Please wait until the question has been completed. 815 00:53:20,474 --> 00:53:21,943 Percy stole the answers. 816 00:53:22,891 --> 00:53:24,503 But don't make it too obvious. 817 00:53:24,724 --> 00:53:27,677 Question number one. Please finish the following Churchill quote. 818 00:53:27,884 --> 00:53:29,943 "Let it roll. Let it roll on full flood..." 819 00:53:30,452 --> 00:53:31,170 That would be... 820 00:53:31,676 --> 00:53:35,690 "...inexorable, irresistible, benignant, to broader lands and better days." 821 00:53:35,897 --> 00:53:37,632 Point, Cock and Bulls. 822 00:53:40,277 --> 00:53:42,986 How many members of the Beatles have been knighted by the Queen? 823 00:53:43,164 --> 00:53:44,963 - I think that would be... - Only one, Sir Paul McCartney. 824 00:53:45,209 --> 00:53:46,720 Point, Cock and Bulls. 825 00:53:49,092 --> 00:53:50,466 Never mind, make it obvious. 826 00:53:51,111 --> 00:53:52,930 Who is the inventor of the device known as the microscope? 827 00:53:53,098 --> 00:53:54,234 Anton van Leeuwenhoek. 828 00:53:54,423 --> 00:53:56,463 Point, Cock and Bulls. 829 00:53:58,781 --> 00:54:00,889 Who is the captain of the last English team to win the World Cup? 830 00:54:01,105 --> 00:54:03,698 - Bobby Moore. - Point, Cock and Bulls. 831 00:54:04,768 --> 00:54:06,723 In what Shakespearean plays do ghosts appear? 832 00:54:06,901 --> 00:54:08,868 Julius Caesar, Richard III, Hamlet and Macbeth. 833 00:54:09,097 --> 00:54:10,738 In what year was the Suez Canal inaugurated? 834 00:54:10,937 --> 00:54:12,024 1869. 835 00:54:12,211 --> 00:54:12,863 Point, Cock and Bulls. 836 00:54:13,204 --> 00:54:15,396 - What was the name of the island where... - The Galápagos Islands. 837 00:54:15,641 --> 00:54:17,051 - What is the scientific name for... - Sodium chloride. 838 00:54:17,266 --> 00:54:18,569 - What is the... - The flux capacitor. 839 00:54:19,036 --> 00:54:20,426 Would you say something? Just anything. 840 00:54:20,620 --> 00:54:20,979 - How many of the... - Fifteen. 841 00:54:21,157 --> 00:54:22,753 - Seventeen. - Point, Cock and Bulls. 842 00:54:23,058 --> 00:54:24,339 - What, in biology... - A gerbil. 843 00:54:24,543 --> 00:54:25,418 - Which... - Gonorrhea. 844 00:54:25,673 --> 00:54:26,231 - Who... - William Shatner. 845 00:54:26,502 --> 00:54:27,962 Nicolae Ceausescu. 846 00:54:28,264 --> 00:54:29,297 - Tell me... - George Lazenby. 847 00:54:29,482 --> 00:54:30,384 Point, Cock and Bulls. 848 00:54:30,572 --> 00:54:31,693 - Large dog. - Point, Cock and Bulls. 849 00:54:31,927 --> 00:54:33,561 - Modus operandi. - Point, Cock and Bulls. 850 00:54:33,741 --> 00:54:34,654 You know, this guy is very good. 851 00:54:34,860 --> 00:54:36,152 The Battle of Trafalgar. 852 00:54:36,356 --> 00:54:37,694 Pocket rocket. Fats Domino. 853 00:54:38,161 --> 00:54:39,570 More commonly known as diarrhea. 854 00:54:40,020 --> 00:54:41,901 Point, Cock and Bulls. 855 00:54:46,430 --> 00:54:50,253 The Cock and Bulls win the Mastermind Challenge. 856 00:55:16,460 --> 00:55:18,617 "In a stunning upset on the rugby field yesterday, 857 00:55:18,955 --> 00:55:21,188 "the Cock and Bulls defeated Hampshire House 858 00:55:23,773 --> 00:55:25,592 "to win the match in final seconds of the game, 859 00:55:26,041 --> 00:55:29,410 "thanks to a stellar athletic performance by Seamus O'Toole." 860 00:55:29,838 --> 00:55:32,316 Don't worry, ladies, I still have another stellar athletic performance, 861 00:55:32,749 --> 00:55:34,255 or two, still left in me. 862 00:55:34,709 --> 00:55:36,654 I have just met the most spectacular bloke. 863 00:55:37,221 --> 00:55:38,600 He didn't look at my tits once. 864 00:55:42,590 --> 00:55:45,322 Maybe he's a trouser pilot. What if he don't fancy gals? 865 00:55:45,652 --> 00:55:47,576 Bet you a fiver he wishes you had a cock. 866 00:55:48,058 --> 00:55:49,174 Oh, piss off, bush mill. 867 00:55:49,790 --> 00:55:52,948 Taji, I'm nervous. You know, I like this bloke. 868 00:55:53,173 --> 00:55:56,190 He's classy, the kind of guy who'd be going out with a proper lady. 869 00:55:57,027 --> 00:55:58,892 I just don't think it'll work between me and him. 870 00:55:59,164 --> 00:56:01,522 Sadie, if you think that this is a guy who's worth getting to know, 871 00:56:01,772 --> 00:56:03,076 then by all means, get to know him. 872 00:56:04,011 --> 00:56:07,484 Money and position make no difference when it comes to matters of the heart. 873 00:56:09,489 --> 00:56:10,451 Do you guys really believe that? 874 00:56:10,846 --> 00:56:11,878 - Absolutely. - Yeah. 875 00:56:12,986 --> 00:56:14,121 Yeah. 876 00:56:18,965 --> 00:56:22,128 Pip, the Cock and Bulls did very well on the rugby field the other day. 877 00:56:22,938 --> 00:56:25,422 If they win the dog show on Saturday, we could be in real trouble. 878 00:56:25,962 --> 00:56:26,987 Roger, 879 00:56:27,200 --> 00:56:29,190 sometimes the Almighty, in his infinite wisdom, 880 00:56:29,497 --> 00:56:32,639 likes to give a sliver of hope to the downtrodden and underprivileged 881 00:56:32,998 --> 00:56:34,949 to make up for their inferior haircuts 882 00:56:35,244 --> 00:56:38,067 and the fact they have to winter and summer in the same place. 883 00:56:39,529 --> 00:56:41,421 The Cock and Bulls are entering a mongrel beast 884 00:56:42,303 --> 00:56:45,222 and we're entering Chauncey Avalon Renaissance, 885 00:56:45,670 --> 00:56:49,212 a direct bloodline to the legendary Zurich von Edelweiss. 886 00:56:49,657 --> 00:56:51,137 You're right. We can't lose. 887 00:56:51,756 --> 00:56:53,159 No, we can't. 888 00:56:53,662 --> 00:56:56,279 Particularly since I've prepared some extra insurance. 889 00:56:57,003 --> 00:56:58,732 - Ding dong. - Ding dong. 890 00:57:03,147 --> 00:57:05,479 My ancestors did not create the Hastings Cup 891 00:57:05,769 --> 00:57:08,608 so that rejects like the Cock and Bulls could make a mockery out of it. 892 00:57:09,212 --> 00:57:12,221 Bon appétit, Balzac, and bon voyage, losers. 893 00:57:12,653 --> 00:57:13,658 Maxirod. 894 00:57:13,861 --> 00:57:17,088 Enlargen, Manhammer? Where did you get this stuff? 895 00:57:18,835 --> 00:57:20,844 Oh, I accidentally took it from my father's traveling kit. 896 00:57:21,218 --> 00:57:23,082 But it says Pip Everett, Jr. on the prescriptions. 897 00:57:23,425 --> 00:57:24,156 - A typo. - On all three bottles. 898 00:57:24,379 --> 00:57:25,387 Look, shut up. 899 00:58:03,418 --> 00:58:05,912 How many times have I told you never to take food from strangers? 900 00:58:09,213 --> 00:58:12,477 Lads, tomorrow's dog show will go down as one for the ages. 901 00:58:14,863 --> 00:58:18,144 To victory tomorrow and the Hastings Cup. 902 00:58:19,936 --> 00:58:20,921 Hey, Chauncey. 903 00:58:21,438 --> 00:58:22,888 - Cheers. - Here you go. 904 00:58:23,274 --> 00:58:24,798 Sorry, buddy. 905 00:58:44,728 --> 00:58:45,906 Chauncey! 906 00:58:47,406 --> 00:58:48,045 Bravo! 907 00:58:48,374 --> 00:58:49,674 Bravo, Chauncey. 908 00:59:04,840 --> 00:59:06,943 How're you doing, buddy, huh? 909 00:59:07,298 --> 00:59:11,835 You ready to go? You doing all right? Yeah? You ready to kick some tail? 910 00:59:12,820 --> 00:59:14,166 Yeah, I think you are. 911 00:59:14,392 --> 00:59:15,357 Good luck today. 912 00:59:16,211 --> 00:59:18,240 Oh, thank you. Have a good show. 913 00:59:18,458 --> 00:59:23,882 Oh, we shall. I'm looking forward to some stiff competition out there. 914 00:59:24,142 --> 00:59:25,524 I'm sure you are, Poop. Pip. 915 00:59:25,866 --> 00:59:27,806 Honest mistake, diarrhea face. 916 00:59:29,074 --> 00:59:32,221 What? What did I just say? What did I just say, buddy? 917 00:59:32,647 --> 00:59:35,995 Bijou Caronta and his dachshund, Fritz. 918 00:59:46,575 --> 00:59:50,831 Strong jaw line, extended chest, good firm buttocks. 919 00:59:51,901 --> 00:59:53,511 Reminds me of a young Susan Sarandon. 920 00:59:54,674 --> 00:59:56,524 Taj Badla... 921 00:59:58,597 --> 00:59:59,848 Showtime. 922 01:00:02,615 --> 01:00:03,635 Badalandabad. 923 01:00:04,011 --> 01:00:06,287 And his bulldog, Balzac. 924 01:00:26,743 --> 01:00:27,624 That's strange. 925 01:00:29,038 --> 01:00:30,134 Doesn't seem to be working. 926 01:00:30,352 --> 01:00:31,443 Maybe the pills went bad. 927 01:00:31,671 --> 01:00:32,755 Well, they worked fine last Saturday. 928 01:00:34,048 --> 01:00:35,353 My father happened to mention. 929 01:00:41,142 --> 01:00:45,567 My God, this animal is magnificent. 930 01:00:53,235 --> 01:00:54,702 It was a piece of cake. 931 01:00:55,229 --> 01:00:59,870 Oh, I really hope it isn't too "hard-on" you. 932 01:01:02,307 --> 01:01:07,375 Pip Everett, the Earl of Grey, and his Great Dane, Chauncey. 933 01:01:28,324 --> 01:01:30,627 Chauncey! Halt! 934 01:01:39,708 --> 01:01:41,666 Chauncey! 935 01:01:42,550 --> 01:01:44,699 Chauncey! 936 01:01:50,013 --> 01:01:50,987 Chauncey. 937 01:01:53,097 --> 01:01:54,306 Chauncey! 938 01:01:56,341 --> 01:01:57,179 Come. 939 01:01:59,732 --> 01:02:01,446 Chauncey, come. 940 01:02:02,311 --> 01:02:03,716 Chauncey. 941 01:02:04,349 --> 01:02:04,778 Chauncey! 942 01:02:05,019 --> 01:02:06,720 - What are you doing? - Trust me. 943 01:02:07,269 --> 01:02:09,209 Chauncey, I said come! 944 01:02:15,573 --> 01:02:17,362 Could someone please get her a Tidy Wipe? 945 01:02:19,052 --> 01:02:23,567 How dare that Third-World, cow-loving social reject humiliate me? 946 01:02:24,027 --> 01:02:26,550 And how could Charlie be so endlessly amused by him? 947 01:02:26,764 --> 01:02:29,977 Your sister. Your sister, carrying on with that repugnant troll friend of his. 948 01:02:30,327 --> 01:02:31,246 The world's gone mad, I tell you. 949 01:02:31,598 --> 01:02:35,617 Our very way of life is being threatened, and I, for one, will not allow it to continue. 950 01:02:36,802 --> 01:02:41,206 Pip, perhaps we could find a better usage for your sword. 951 01:02:42,169 --> 01:02:45,300 Alexandra, you're quite sure your sister isn't joining the Cock and Bulls party. 952 01:02:45,525 --> 01:02:48,040 Yes, Penelope ran to Mum and Dad's for the night. 953 01:02:48,590 --> 01:02:50,445 And you and Penelope are an identical match? 954 01:02:50,662 --> 01:02:54,730 Well, one of us has a birthmark. Would you like to see it? 955 01:02:55,004 --> 01:02:58,331 If the rabble insist on being crushed into oblivion, so be it. 956 01:02:58,812 --> 01:03:00,308 Alexandra, I'm going to need your help. 957 01:03:01,806 --> 01:03:05,245 Chauncey, do shut up. The pills will wear off soon enough. 958 01:03:06,100 --> 01:03:07,435 Alexandra, why are you just sitting there? 959 01:03:07,672 --> 01:03:09,312 I thought you said you wanted to play with my sword. 960 01:03:09,540 --> 01:03:10,246 Oh, right, yeah. 961 01:03:24,537 --> 01:03:25,814 Let's party! 962 01:03:53,389 --> 01:03:54,199 Can I have everyone's 963 01:03:54,405 --> 01:03:56,416 Attention, please. Can I have... 964 01:04:01,882 --> 01:04:03,787 I'd like to thank everyone for coming tonight. 965 01:04:04,208 --> 01:04:06,046 Thanks to Balzac's performance, 966 01:04:06,746 --> 01:04:10,156 the Cock and Bulls are now only 20 points behind the Fox and the Hounds, 967 01:04:10,523 --> 01:04:14,953 which means whoever wins the next event will win the Hastings Cup. 968 01:04:16,595 --> 01:04:19,229 So now, let's just get inebriated. 969 01:04:21,998 --> 01:04:23,109 What's up, Gethin? 970 01:04:23,293 --> 01:04:24,897 Where is Balzac, anyway? 971 01:04:25,146 --> 01:04:28,027 I think he is otherwise engaged. 972 01:04:53,707 --> 01:04:56,151 - Taji. - Sadie, how was your date? 973 01:04:56,637 --> 01:04:58,975 Taji, you were right. He was the perfect gentleman. 974 01:04:59,198 --> 01:05:02,964 We had tea and then a candlelit dinner and then a beautiful carriage ride. 975 01:05:03,168 --> 01:05:04,728 - That's wonderful. - Then we got scrambled, 976 01:05:04,926 --> 01:05:07,252 he yanked off me scanties and we shagged all night on the tiles. 977 01:05:07,936 --> 01:05:09,355 - All right. - Let's party. 978 01:05:10,229 --> 01:05:11,641 Sir, there's a problem with Simon. 979 01:05:12,515 --> 01:05:14,130 Excuse me. What? 980 01:05:15,425 --> 01:05:16,423 Simon? 981 01:05:17,527 --> 01:05:19,024 I have... 982 01:05:20,856 --> 01:05:22,347 I have a problem. 983 01:05:22,600 --> 01:05:24,159 Oh, my God, he's talking. 984 01:05:24,909 --> 01:05:29,031 Well, Simon, whatever your problem is, we're your friends, you can tell us. 985 01:05:29,558 --> 01:05:32,612 Well, you see, it's to do with the size of my piddler. 986 01:05:33,132 --> 01:05:34,528 Your... 987 01:05:37,558 --> 01:05:40,810 Well, you know, it's an understood fact 988 01:05:41,223 --> 01:05:45,046 that a man's piddler is... 989 01:05:46,665 --> 01:05:50,444 Appears smaller to himself than it is in real life. 990 01:05:51,388 --> 01:05:52,820 Well, you see, that's what I'm afraid of. 991 01:05:53,146 --> 01:05:56,417 'Cause according to me it has some 11 inches. 992 01:05:56,825 --> 01:05:58,545 Come again? Figuratively. 993 01:05:59,392 --> 01:06:02,807 You see, the problem is that every time I get aroused, 994 01:06:03,005 --> 01:06:06,519 all the blood rushes from my head to my... head. 995 01:06:07,214 --> 01:06:09,494 And I can't talk. 996 01:06:09,719 --> 01:06:11,219 But do you think it's gonna be... 997 01:06:11,886 --> 01:06:12,095 - It's... - It's... 998 01:06:12,667 --> 01:06:14,420 - Yes. - Yes, I think you'll be fine. 999 01:06:14,908 --> 01:06:15,685 It works. 1000 01:06:20,320 --> 01:06:23,304 I'm sorry to interrupt you boys tossing off your tally-whackers, 1001 01:06:23,498 --> 01:06:27,095 but, Taji, there's a beautiful young lady waiting for you outside. 1002 01:06:29,906 --> 01:06:31,674 I'm surprised you don't get out more. 1003 01:06:35,802 --> 01:06:37,057 - Hello. - Smile. 1004 01:06:39,425 --> 01:06:42,017 Sorry, I just had to have a picture of the wickedest party of the year. 1005 01:06:42,511 --> 01:06:44,517 Well, then, why don't you come on in, grab a drink? 1006 01:06:44,712 --> 01:06:47,415 Wait. I have a surprise for you first. Let's take a walk in the woods. 1007 01:06:47,606 --> 01:06:49,087 A surprise in the woods? 1008 01:06:49,272 --> 01:06:51,904 Well, can you give me a second? Let me go repack my wallet real quick. 1009 01:06:52,176 --> 01:06:53,331 Come on. 1010 01:07:05,108 --> 01:07:06,128 Amazing. 1011 01:07:07,080 --> 01:07:08,393 Fantastic. 1012 01:07:08,877 --> 01:07:11,697 The Persephone comet hasn't been seen in the English skies since... 1013 01:07:13,940 --> 01:07:17,691 - Napoleon was defeated at Waterloo. - Yes. 1014 01:07:20,584 --> 01:07:22,081 Come on. 1015 01:07:26,836 --> 01:07:28,817 - I have one more surprise for you. - Yeah? 1016 01:07:30,240 --> 01:07:31,637 Is this one scenery, too? 1017 01:07:59,944 --> 01:08:04,633 Hey, man, what are you looking at? 1018 01:08:40,665 --> 01:08:41,396 Hi. 1019 01:08:42,497 --> 01:08:47,088 Seamus was just telling me a story about you. A very long one. 1020 01:09:12,311 --> 01:09:15,297 Penelope? I thought you were gone for the weekend. 1021 01:09:15,815 --> 01:09:21,408 Yes. I was, but I just couldn't stop thinking of you. 1022 01:09:21,937 --> 01:09:23,354 - You couldn't? - No. 1023 01:09:24,648 --> 01:09:25,619 That's fantastic. 1024 01:09:26,042 --> 01:09:28,760 - Take me, Gavin. - Gethin. 1025 01:09:29,012 --> 01:09:30,925 Whatever. 1026 01:09:33,722 --> 01:09:36,342 Wow. You seem so different. 1027 01:09:36,529 --> 01:09:38,644 Have you always had that birth mark on your neck? 1028 01:09:38,887 --> 01:09:41,536 It matches this one. 1029 01:09:42,040 --> 01:09:44,378 - Any more dumb questions? - No, I'm good. 1030 01:09:44,583 --> 01:09:45,751 Good. 1031 01:09:48,076 --> 01:09:50,803 There's nothing to be nervous about. 1032 01:09:51,381 --> 01:09:53,142 Just take off your clothes. 1033 01:09:57,645 --> 01:09:59,062 Okay. 1034 01:10:32,706 --> 01:10:33,947 Nice. 1035 01:10:39,218 --> 01:10:40,954 Take your bloody hands off me. 1036 01:10:41,138 --> 01:10:43,673 You whiskey-swilling Irish blockhead. 1037 01:10:45,809 --> 01:10:47,538 Jesus, Mary and Joseph. 1038 01:10:47,955 --> 01:10:51,579 No. Dilip, Kami and Alita. We are the Badalandabads. 1039 01:10:51,861 --> 01:10:54,610 We have come to surprise our son, Taj Mahal. 1040 01:10:55,452 --> 01:10:56,894 He's upstairs. 1041 01:10:57,079 --> 01:11:00,124 If you'll excuse me, I think I'm in love. 1042 01:11:23,712 --> 01:11:24,691 Excuse me. 1043 01:11:27,517 --> 01:11:29,344 Bad doggie. 1044 01:11:36,418 --> 01:11:37,095 Oops. 1045 01:11:40,018 --> 01:11:41,062 Oops. 1046 01:11:41,243 --> 01:11:43,791 I'm ready for you, my little Yorkshire pudding. 1047 01:11:45,787 --> 01:11:46,700 - Surprise! - Surprise! 1048 01:11:46,885 --> 01:11:48,404 - Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! 1049 01:11:48,589 --> 01:11:49,298 Oh, my God! 1050 01:11:49,582 --> 01:11:51,675 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 1051 01:11:52,913 --> 01:11:54,797 Go! Go! Oh, my God. 1052 01:11:59,892 --> 01:12:00,849 I don't care. 1053 01:12:06,051 --> 01:12:09,611 So... have a nice flight? 1054 01:12:11,535 --> 01:12:12,721 I warn you, Provost. 1055 01:12:12,933 --> 01:12:15,784 Prepare to be appalled beyond your imagination. 1056 01:12:15,987 --> 01:12:17,099 Excuse me. Excuse me. 1057 01:12:17,330 --> 01:12:19,405 - Good Lord! - Disgusting, isn't it, Provost? 1058 01:12:21,152 --> 01:12:23,703 - Coming through. - Hi, gorgeous. 1059 01:12:25,688 --> 01:12:26,725 Provost? 1060 01:12:28,409 --> 01:12:29,393 Provost? 1061 01:12:31,132 --> 01:12:32,341 Right this way, Provost. 1062 01:12:36,038 --> 01:12:37,668 Are you okay? 1063 01:12:44,252 --> 01:12:47,916 Provost, he has knocked that woman out with his schlong. 1064 01:13:00,474 --> 01:13:02,469 Arey, don't worry, beta. 1065 01:13:02,724 --> 01:13:03,754 They will get over it. 1066 01:13:04,207 --> 01:13:06,896 It's not like your family has never seen you naked before. 1067 01:13:07,899 --> 01:13:10,798 Okay, maybe not quite as hairy... 1068 01:13:11,325 --> 01:13:12,292 - Dad. - But still. 1069 01:13:13,901 --> 01:13:18,248 So, is there someone special, or were you just... 1070 01:13:19,887 --> 01:13:21,219 No! Yes! 1071 01:13:21,395 --> 01:13:23,574 No, I mean... Yes, there was somebody. 1072 01:13:23,960 --> 01:13:25,034 Really? 1073 01:13:25,677 --> 01:13:28,745 And how schlong... long have you been seeing her? 1074 01:13:29,351 --> 01:13:32,932 Well, tonight was actually our first night together. 1075 01:13:33,416 --> 01:13:34,714 And already in your bedroom. 1076 01:13:34,983 --> 01:13:38,155 Shabaash, beta. My son is a hound doggie! 1077 01:13:38,941 --> 01:13:40,652 A chip off the old Badalandabads. 1078 01:13:41,141 --> 01:13:45,114 You got the old Camford chick-a-day calendar, huh, beta? 1079 01:13:45,614 --> 01:13:47,001 - Beta? - Something like that. 1080 01:13:47,684 --> 01:13:49,510 Penelope? 1081 01:13:50,379 --> 01:13:51,679 My little vixen, I'm ready. 1082 01:13:52,889 --> 01:13:54,795 Honey bunny? I'm ready. 1083 01:13:57,249 --> 01:13:59,559 Penelope, I'm not quite sure how this works. 1084 01:14:00,433 --> 01:14:02,129 Do I get disciplined now? 1085 01:14:04,077 --> 01:14:07,637 - Absolutely. - Are you enjoying the party, sir? 1086 01:14:10,321 --> 01:14:12,617 You know, beta, I envy you. 1087 01:14:13,192 --> 01:14:14,901 You are just like I was. 1088 01:14:15,221 --> 01:14:17,462 A chip off the old Badalandabads. 1089 01:14:18,710 --> 01:14:23,580 Attending the big bad bone dance, morning, noon and night. 1090 01:14:24,016 --> 01:14:28,204 The pink taco stand delivering 24 hours a day, 1091 01:14:28,477 --> 01:14:29,514 free of charge. 1092 01:14:31,935 --> 01:14:33,755 Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad, listen. 1093 01:14:34,639 --> 01:14:35,907 No dishum. 1094 01:14:36,169 --> 01:14:37,281 - No dishum. - No. 1095 01:14:37,652 --> 01:14:41,680 I am not a chip off the old Badalandabad and I'm not a hound doggie. I'm sorry. 1096 01:14:42,246 --> 01:14:44,313 I tried to live up to your legacy. I really did. 1097 01:14:44,508 --> 01:14:46,262 But I'm afraid I disappointed you. 1098 01:14:46,728 --> 01:14:51,330 You see, I really have fallen for someone, and it's just one girl. 1099 01:14:51,940 --> 01:14:53,158 Just one girl? 1100 01:14:54,736 --> 01:14:56,144 Just one. 1101 01:15:00,328 --> 01:15:01,820 I see. 1102 01:15:02,663 --> 01:15:07,514 So, this one girl is feeling the same as you are? 1103 01:15:09,205 --> 01:15:10,765 I believe so. 1104 01:15:14,391 --> 01:15:17,531 Well, I guess we are not all cut out to be hound doggies. 1105 01:15:21,322 --> 01:15:22,710 You're not disappointed? 1106 01:15:23,822 --> 01:15:26,979 How can I be disappointed? You're my son. 1107 01:15:27,855 --> 01:15:29,470 It is watching you come into your own as a man 1108 01:15:30,005 --> 01:15:32,450 that makes me feel so proud of you, beta. 1109 01:15:32,973 --> 01:15:36,369 Come, give your father a big squashy. 1110 01:15:40,019 --> 01:15:42,257 - No, no, Dad, I need another hug. - Oh, beta. 1111 01:15:42,783 --> 01:15:44,065 - Oh, beta, I love you. - It's okay. 1112 01:15:44,296 --> 01:15:46,748 Beta, I can't breathe. I can't breathe, my beta. 1113 01:15:47,142 --> 01:15:48,786 Beta, I can't breathe. 1114 01:15:48,981 --> 01:15:50,727 Oh, I love you, too. I love you. My testicles! 1115 01:15:50,911 --> 01:15:52,289 Bye. 1116 01:15:52,728 --> 01:15:54,265 Sorry, did I ruin a moment? 1117 01:15:55,342 --> 01:15:56,419 What the hell are you doing here? 1118 01:15:56,633 --> 01:15:58,982 Provost and I made some interesting discoveries this evening. 1119 01:16:00,242 --> 01:16:04,374 Stolen copies of next week's history test in your students' rooms. 1120 01:16:05,853 --> 01:16:07,366 My students would never cheat. 1121 01:16:07,933 --> 01:16:11,010 Yes. Well, you can tell your story to the disciplinary committee 1122 01:16:11,229 --> 01:16:12,973 first thing in the morning. 1123 01:16:14,837 --> 01:16:16,850 You know, it's funny how things work out, isn't it? 1124 01:16:18,009 --> 01:16:22,326 I suggest you start packing, Paki. 1125 01:16:24,375 --> 01:16:26,081 Restraint, my boy. Restraint. 1126 01:16:26,779 --> 01:16:29,891 - He's mine. - Dad! 1127 01:16:31,527 --> 01:16:36,675 Camford University is the greatest institution of higher learning in the world. 1128 01:16:36,887 --> 01:16:39,869 We take transgressions most seriously. 1129 01:16:40,178 --> 01:16:45,795 So it is I must inform you that you're all expelled. 1130 01:16:47,153 --> 01:16:48,480 I stole the exam. 1131 01:16:48,709 --> 01:16:51,255 - Sir, that's ridiculous. - Quiet, Gethin, this is how it must be. 1132 01:16:53,830 --> 01:16:56,354 I don't know the first thing about English history, 1133 01:16:56,616 --> 01:16:58,616 so how could I have expected my students to pass an exam. 1134 01:16:59,478 --> 01:17:03,504 I admit it was a weak moment. But it was my weak moment, not theirs. 1135 01:17:03,707 --> 01:17:08,484 Well, you understand that this would mean your immediate expulsion. 1136 01:17:08,857 --> 01:17:09,454 Yes. 1137 01:17:10,747 --> 01:17:13,482 I only ask that you not penalize my students for something 1138 01:17:13,701 --> 01:17:15,111 for which I'm clearly to blame. 1139 01:17:15,320 --> 01:17:17,818 They all have to be expelled. They've already seen the exam. 1140 01:17:18,417 --> 01:17:21,644 I don't see why the entire house should be penalized 1141 01:17:22,145 --> 01:17:24,127 for Mr. Ba... 1142 01:17:24,434 --> 01:17:25,631 Badalandabad! 1143 01:17:25,838 --> 01:17:26,910 - Thank you. - Oh, yes. 1144 01:17:27,604 --> 01:17:28,956 Well, for his transgressions. 1145 01:17:29,167 --> 01:17:32,279 We'll give them an oral exam. 1146 01:17:32,775 --> 01:17:37,517 If they pass, they're back in. If not, well, they're out. 1147 01:17:37,975 --> 01:17:38,862 Fine. 1148 01:17:39,083 --> 01:17:42,886 But meanwhile, Mr. Badalandabad, we accept your expulsion. 1149 01:17:49,512 --> 01:17:51,070 Wait. Charlotte, let me explain. 1150 01:17:51,291 --> 01:17:52,798 I've heard more than enough, thank you. 1151 01:17:53,297 --> 01:17:55,924 I cannot believe we bought in to all of your nonsense. 1152 01:17:56,145 --> 01:17:56,865 But... 1153 01:17:57,368 --> 01:17:59,963 Those kids idolized you. I admired you. 1154 01:18:01,125 --> 01:18:03,925 But the joke's on all of us, isn't it? Because you're nothing but a cheat. 1155 01:18:04,126 --> 01:18:05,721 Look, I didn't mean to hurt anybody, okay? 1156 01:18:05,937 --> 01:18:06,983 - If you would just let me explain... - No. 1157 01:18:07,193 --> 01:18:10,172 The road to hell is paved with good intentions, isn't it? 1158 01:18:11,227 --> 01:18:14,164 Good day, Mr. Badalandabad. 1159 01:19:20,500 --> 01:19:21,615 We all know why we're here. 1160 01:19:22,931 --> 01:19:24,397 Let's begin. 1161 01:19:38,191 --> 01:19:40,420 Come on, baby. Come on. 1162 01:19:40,847 --> 01:19:44,088 Daddy's leaving soon. Oh, you wanna give it to me, don't you? 1163 01:19:44,712 --> 01:19:46,569 Come on. I'm trying a different tactic here, baby. 1164 01:19:46,781 --> 01:19:48,628 I'm trying to be nice to you. 1165 01:19:49,317 --> 01:19:51,518 You don't like it nice, do you, you little whore? 1166 01:19:51,881 --> 01:19:53,647 - Hey, guys. How did it go? - Oh, baby. 1167 01:19:58,309 --> 01:20:00,897 Well, look, the important thing is that you tried, all right? It... 1168 01:20:03,421 --> 01:20:04,200 You passed? 1169 01:20:04,592 --> 01:20:06,614 - Oh, you passed. - Yeah! 1170 01:20:10,788 --> 01:20:12,039 What's wrong, Gethin? 1171 01:20:13,058 --> 01:20:14,981 Oh, well, this is all thanks to you, sir. 1172 01:20:15,358 --> 01:20:16,348 And as soon as you leave tomorrow, 1173 01:20:16,567 --> 01:20:18,436 we're going to get slaughtered in the Hastings Cup. 1174 01:20:19,007 --> 01:20:21,578 Oh, please, Gethin. That's absolutely ridiculous. 1175 01:20:21,818 --> 01:20:23,125 This is all thanks to you guys. 1176 01:20:23,355 --> 01:20:25,755 You know, I had a feeling that you guys would pass, 1177 01:20:26,044 --> 01:20:30,475 so I prepared some libations. 1178 01:20:30,687 --> 01:20:32,901 Now, you guys were outcasts when you got here, 1179 01:20:33,161 --> 01:20:37,868 and you showed those privileged snotbags that you were their better. 1180 01:20:39,665 --> 01:20:41,030 And because of your hard work, 1181 01:20:41,501 --> 01:20:46,007 Camford, one of the finest institutions in the world, is now yours. 1182 01:20:47,548 --> 01:20:51,350 And it's time you get out there, and kick some Fox and Hounds ass, 1183 01:20:51,597 --> 01:20:53,271 and win the Hastings Cup. 1184 01:20:54,444 --> 01:20:57,497 - To the Cock and Bulls. - To the Cock and Bulls. 1185 01:20:57,697 --> 01:20:58,625 Oh, come on, this again. 1186 01:20:59,077 --> 01:21:02,678 - To the Cock and Bulls! - To the Cock and Bulls! 1187 01:21:41,916 --> 01:21:43,753 Taj Mahal, beta, cheer up a little. 1188 01:21:43,990 --> 01:21:45,791 You will find another school which will make you happy. 1189 01:21:49,296 --> 01:21:52,591 Dad, I'm really, really sorry that I disappointed you. 1190 01:21:52,771 --> 01:21:55,073 I just wanted to follow in your legendary footsteps. 1191 01:21:58,206 --> 01:22:00,529 Did I not tell you about your stories, Dilip, huh? 1192 01:22:01,363 --> 01:22:02,608 Tell him. 1193 01:22:04,883 --> 01:22:10,141 Taj, I may have told you a slight stretching of the truth. 1194 01:22:11,685 --> 01:22:14,926 I'm afraid I was never a member of the Foxes and Hounds. 1195 01:22:15,568 --> 01:22:16,684 What? 1196 01:22:17,846 --> 01:22:19,549 But all those stories? 1197 01:22:21,083 --> 01:22:24,319 Wait. The ones about being the sultan of snatch are true, though, right? 1198 01:22:25,960 --> 01:22:28,577 That would be a fine thing. He's lucky to even find it. 1199 01:22:29,343 --> 01:22:31,628 More like the sultan of splat. 1200 01:22:31,849 --> 01:22:35,150 One must admit, it can be somewhat difficult to locate at times. 1201 01:22:35,341 --> 01:22:36,257 Hang on. Hang on. 1202 01:22:36,431 --> 01:22:38,092 Why were you not in the Foxes and Hounds? 1203 01:22:38,971 --> 01:22:40,534 I thought I was accepted. 1204 01:22:40,730 --> 01:22:44,159 But when I arrived, there had been some sort of mistake. 1205 01:22:44,798 --> 01:22:46,950 A typographical error, they said. 1206 01:22:47,631 --> 01:22:48,649 You're kidding. 1207 01:22:49,225 --> 01:22:50,431 It's okay, beta. 1208 01:22:50,684 --> 01:22:53,836 Maybe this university is not the place for us Badalandabads. 1209 01:22:54,766 --> 01:22:57,006 Come. Let's go home. 1210 01:23:00,470 --> 01:23:03,305 Can you guys please give me a few minutes alone? 1211 01:23:04,091 --> 01:23:07,834 Haan, beta. Of course. Chalo. We will wait outside. 1212 01:23:17,090 --> 01:23:19,486 Guess I won't be needing that golf cart, Van. 1213 01:23:19,850 --> 01:23:23,384 - How fast does that golf cart go? - What are you doing here? 1214 01:23:23,744 --> 01:23:26,669 There's no time. I'll explain on the way. 1215 01:23:28,244 --> 01:23:33,502 Welcome everybody to the final competition for the Hastings Cup. 1216 01:23:41,974 --> 01:23:45,383 Now, only two teams have accrued enough points 1217 01:23:45,836 --> 01:23:48,667 to compete in the final event. 1218 01:23:48,955 --> 01:23:50,532 The Fox and Hounds, 1219 01:23:50,741 --> 01:23:52,654 and the Cock and Bulls. 1220 01:23:53,493 --> 01:23:56,346 Fox and Hounds, who will represent you? 1221 01:23:56,858 --> 01:23:57,971 I will. 1222 01:23:58,453 --> 01:24:01,217 Cock and Bulls, who will represent you? 1223 01:24:03,216 --> 01:24:04,818 I will. 1224 01:24:10,656 --> 01:24:13,722 What are you doing here? You've been expelled. 1225 01:24:13,911 --> 01:24:17,794 I'm afraid Mr. Everett's correct. Only current students are... 1226 01:24:18,109 --> 01:24:20,019 Provost Cunningham, I think you'll find a reinstatement is in order. 1227 01:24:20,238 --> 01:24:22,711 - Charlie, have you lost your senses? - Quite the opposite. 1228 01:24:23,738 --> 01:24:25,451 If you look closely at this photo, 1229 01:24:25,624 --> 01:24:27,978 you'll see that a woman is holding the stolen exam papers. 1230 01:24:28,493 --> 01:24:31,885 Which means it couldn't have been Taj. He was just helping his friends. 1231 01:24:34,349 --> 01:24:38,666 Don't just stand there, young man. You've got a competition to compete in. 1232 01:24:42,964 --> 01:24:44,255 Cheers. 1233 01:24:47,360 --> 01:24:50,406 Cock and Bulls! 1234 01:24:50,926 --> 01:24:52,322 En garde. 1235 01:24:56,639 --> 01:24:59,849 Point, Fox and Hounds. 1236 01:25:03,382 --> 01:25:05,704 - Okay, he is good. - You're not concentrating. 1237 01:25:05,876 --> 01:25:08,138 Every time, he attacks from his left and exposes his chest, 1238 01:25:08,567 --> 01:25:09,497 that's when you attack. 1239 01:25:09,686 --> 01:25:10,510 Hello. I'm trying. 1240 01:25:10,705 --> 01:25:12,798 But his lightning-fast blows make it a little bit difficult. 1241 01:25:13,302 --> 01:25:15,752 - Oh, our first fight. - Just go. 1242 01:25:25,951 --> 01:25:27,645 Point, Cock and Bulls. 1243 01:25:34,284 --> 01:25:36,697 - That was great. Got any more advice? - Yeah. 1244 01:25:41,615 --> 01:25:43,392 Note taken. 1245 01:25:43,732 --> 01:25:45,216 You know, I think I'm finally starting to scare him. 1246 01:25:48,433 --> 01:25:50,799 Somebody has some anger issues. 1247 01:25:53,774 --> 01:25:56,352 Let's settle this like my ancestors did, shall we? 1248 01:25:56,540 --> 01:25:58,553 - You want to exploit me economically? - No. 1249 01:26:00,091 --> 01:26:01,912 - First blood. - First blood? 1250 01:26:03,753 --> 01:26:06,116 Come on, Paki, it's your chance to stick it to the British aristocracy. 1251 01:26:09,174 --> 01:26:10,916 Pip, stop it. 1252 01:26:14,737 --> 01:26:15,504 Pip, I hate to pry, 1253 01:26:15,957 --> 01:26:17,715 but do you think your sword obsession is over... 1254 01:26:18,293 --> 01:26:20,284 Overcompensation for your shortcomings! 1255 01:26:25,372 --> 01:26:29,299 Violence doesn't solve anything, bitch. 1256 01:26:32,546 --> 01:26:34,177 I'm sorry! 1257 01:26:34,427 --> 01:26:35,445 No, I'm not. 1258 01:26:36,982 --> 01:26:38,207 Gethin. 1259 01:26:39,186 --> 01:26:40,041 Thank you. 1260 01:26:41,187 --> 01:26:42,216 Oh, shit. 1261 01:26:42,788 --> 01:26:44,698 I don't think you get it, Raji. We don't want you here. 1262 01:26:58,894 --> 01:27:01,941 If we weren't here, who would tend to your fossil gardens and serve you tea 1263 01:27:02,162 --> 01:27:03,961 while you pretend to be important, you goron? 1264 01:27:05,864 --> 01:27:09,356 I'm sure I'd survive, Raji. Can't say the same about you. 1265 01:27:18,840 --> 01:27:20,759 You are pompous, you're racist, you're sexist 1266 01:27:21,018 --> 01:27:24,759 and dress like a dance instructor on a cruise ship. 1267 01:27:29,346 --> 01:27:31,654 Looks like it's curtains for you, Raji. 1268 01:27:32,215 --> 01:27:33,676 Good idea, Pip. 1269 01:27:43,453 --> 01:27:45,990 Up and over. 1270 01:27:46,614 --> 01:27:49,197 Oh, my God. Pip, that was fantastic. How did you do that? 1271 01:27:49,393 --> 01:27:51,587 Well, I work out, I train. You got to eat right... 1272 01:27:56,904 --> 01:27:58,819 This is becoming rather tiresome. 1273 01:28:05,372 --> 01:28:07,222 Go for the Rathbone. 1274 01:28:09,920 --> 01:28:12,392 The Rathbone. Very impressive. 1275 01:28:13,727 --> 01:28:16,597 But bad news. I taught it to her. 1276 01:28:18,959 --> 01:28:20,724 Time to meet your ancestors, Haji. 1277 01:28:21,000 --> 01:28:23,754 Oh, yeah? Perhaps you'd like to meet yours. 1278 01:28:28,399 --> 01:28:30,706 No! 1279 01:28:30,996 --> 01:28:32,596 Father! 1280 01:28:46,553 --> 01:28:48,402 And the name is Taj. 1281 01:28:48,620 --> 01:28:50,436 Point and match, Mr. Ba... 1282 01:28:53,765 --> 01:28:55,543 Badalandabad! 1283 01:28:58,541 --> 01:29:00,406 Somebody please get me a Tidy Wipe. 1284 01:29:01,300 --> 01:29:03,792 Congratulations, young man. Congratulations. 1285 01:29:12,654 --> 01:29:15,404 Ladies and gentlemen, 1286 01:29:16,483 --> 01:29:20,863 I give you this year's winners, the Cock and Bulls, 1287 01:29:21,371 --> 01:29:24,707 winners of this year's Hastings Cup. 1288 01:29:28,108 --> 01:29:29,999 Hooray! 1289 01:29:30,597 --> 01:29:32,336 Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. 1290 01:29:34,050 --> 01:29:37,550 Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. 1291 01:29:37,847 --> 01:29:41,478 My father donates millions of pounds to this university. 1292 01:29:41,936 --> 01:29:44,515 Consider repercussions of what you're about to do. 1293 01:29:47,604 --> 01:29:50,357 - Tell him. - All right. All right. 1294 01:29:50,778 --> 01:29:56,184 Pip stole the exam papers and he got me to put them in their rooms. 1295 01:29:58,970 --> 01:30:04,316 Well, perhaps you should consider the repercussions of what you've done, Pip. 1296 01:30:04,507 --> 01:30:07,026 Yes, he's right. You're expelled. 1297 01:30:13,855 --> 01:30:16,549 Good, I couldn't stand that little snotbag. 1298 01:30:19,467 --> 01:30:20,299 Sammy! 1299 01:30:23,359 --> 01:30:25,329 Sammy! 1300 01:30:28,896 --> 01:30:30,737 Lord Wrightwood? 1301 01:30:31,690 --> 01:30:32,662 Yes. 1302 01:30:33,162 --> 01:30:36,539 Pip Everett. Earl of Grey. 1303 01:30:37,111 --> 01:30:40,497 Mr. Everett, I am... I didn't recognize you. 1304 01:30:40,878 --> 01:30:42,060 Oh, that's nothing. No. 1305 01:30:42,296 --> 01:30:45,265 I just wanted to say, I received your letter of commendation, 1306 01:30:45,370 --> 01:30:46,979 and wanted to say thank you for everything. 1307 01:30:47,088 --> 01:30:51,674 Yes. About that, it seems there has been a mistake. 1308 01:30:52,507 --> 01:30:55,349 - Mistake? - Typographical, I'm afraid. 1309 01:30:55,450 --> 01:30:58,050 It was meant to say that you had not got the position. 1310 01:30:58,157 --> 01:30:59,634 Sorry, old boy. 1311 01:31:00,307 --> 01:31:02,399 Typographical. 1312 01:31:02,400 --> 01:31:05,028 What he's trying to say is piss off, Pip. 1313 01:31:05,847 --> 01:31:10,526 No, okay. Yeah, okay. Sure. Quite. Oh, okay. 1314 01:31:11,370 --> 01:31:14,812 Are you sure typographical was... Clear enough. Thank you. Great. 1315 01:31:15,286 --> 01:31:18,291 Beta, beta, beta, beta, beta. 1316 01:31:18,490 --> 01:31:21,364 I've never been more proud of you than I am at this moment. 1317 01:31:21,546 --> 01:31:22,351 Thanks, Dad. 1318 01:31:22,552 --> 01:31:24,888 You know, your son is the biggest hound doggie on campus. 1319 01:31:25,080 --> 01:31:27,916 My son, a hound doggie? 1320 01:31:28,133 --> 01:31:30,175 It's practically raining women's undergarments 1321 01:31:30,280 --> 01:31:31,428 when he walks down the street. 1322 01:31:31,537 --> 01:31:34,870 I always knew it that my son would follow in my footsteps 1323 01:31:34,972 --> 01:31:36,853 in the pursuit of the pink taco. 1324 01:31:37,681 --> 01:31:41,772 Being a hound doggie is in the Badalandabad genes. 1325 01:31:41,878 --> 01:31:43,556 Well, it may be in his genes, dear, 1326 01:31:43,662 --> 01:31:46,898 but I certainly never found anything special, when I looked in yours. 1327 01:31:47,726 --> 01:31:50,567 Are you saying that I'm firing blanks? I have fathered three children. 1328 01:31:50,668 --> 01:31:53,046 So, what? If our mattress could have gotten pregnant, 1329 01:31:53,148 --> 01:31:54,397 you would have fathered six. 1330 01:31:54,501 --> 01:31:55,978 I am warning you, woman. 1331 01:31:56,088 --> 01:31:57,598 I am shaking in my sari. 1332 01:31:57,707 --> 01:31:58,855 I don't need this aggravation. 1333 01:31:58,962 --> 01:32:00,283 Thanks for dealing with my dad. 1334 01:32:00,385 --> 01:32:03,550 - They don't live here, do they? - Oh, no, no. Milwaukee. 1335 01:32:03,655 --> 01:32:04,871 My pleasure, then. 1336 01:32:06,399 --> 01:32:09,169 You know, Charlotte, you should know I'm not a rich guy. 1337 01:32:09,272 --> 01:32:11,517 I don't own a house or anything. I'm not an earl. 1338 01:32:11,918 --> 01:32:14,949 In fact, the only title I hold is to an '86 Toyota Corolla. 1339 01:32:15,057 --> 01:32:17,593 Oh, come now, Mr. Badalandabad. 1340 01:32:17,702 --> 01:32:20,078 You're forgetting what an excellent swordsman you are. 1341 01:32:20,509 --> 01:32:23,843 Hardly, I almost died up there. I mean I got a couple of good... 1342 01:32:26,160 --> 01:32:29,069 - Were you calling me a hound doggie? - Maybe. 1343 01:32:30,257 --> 01:32:31,575 Well. 1344 01:32:36,506 --> 01:32:38,147 I can fence much better than you, though. 1345 01:32:38,252 --> 01:32:39,213 - Oh, really? - Yes. 1346 01:32:39,313 --> 01:32:40,462 - Let's go. - You want a rematch? 1347 01:32:40,568 --> 01:32:41,526 Let's go, yes. 1348 01:32:44,527 --> 01:32:50,476 Edited and Timed by S A D E L A N W A R sadel_anwar@yahoo.com 107058

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