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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,440 This programme contains strong language and adult humour 2 00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:05,840 After their disappointing results, 3 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:08,040 legendary manager Cesare is certainly under pressure. 4 00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:09,760 One of the greatest managers of our time, 5 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,720 but it's been a while since he's won anything. 6 00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:13,760 Well, if his team carry on performing like that, 7 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,160 the next thing Cesare will write 8 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:16,880 in that famous notebook is his memoirs. 9 00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:18,640 Why haven't the club made one signing? 10 00:00:18,640 --> 00:00:20,280 Not one signing! 11 00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:22,560 The transfer window closes in five hours. 12 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:25,040 We're getting the news that one late move may be happening. 13 00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:26,880 Have they? Yes. Who? Who? 14 00:00:26,880 --> 00:00:28,920 Nah, must be a mistake, bruv. 15 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:30,520 This could be them now. 16 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:36,320 No, I don't recognise them. False alarm. 17 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:38,400 Er, it's a dream come true. 18 00:00:41,920 --> 00:00:43,520 But a surprise for sure. 19 00:00:43,520 --> 00:00:45,000 Total shock. 20 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,520 I can't think of another player who has made a leap like this 21 00:00:47,520 --> 00:00:50,680 and I can't wait to meet Cesare and ask him what he was thinking. 22 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,560 Cough. 23 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,280 HE COUGHS 24 00:00:54,280 --> 00:00:55,920 Cough. 25 00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,720 HE COUGHS 26 00:00:57,720 --> 00:00:59,160 Right, cough. 27 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:00,920 HE COUGHS 28 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:02,720 HE GRUNTS 29 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:05,960 Is everything all right, Doctor? 30 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,840 I have to pass this medical. 31 00:01:07,840 --> 00:01:11,600 I need you to cough again - this time while I hold your penis. 32 00:01:11,600 --> 00:01:13,880 Cough. 33 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,560 Mattie Sullivan, our new signing. How are you doing? 34 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,480 Sorry, could you give us a minute, please? 35 00:01:18,480 --> 00:01:19,720 Oh, that's fine, I don't mind. 36 00:01:19,720 --> 00:01:21,760 Hey, Mattie, you like jumbotrons, right? 37 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:23,960 Er...er, jumbotrons? Jumbotrons. 38 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,560 Big screens at the stadium. 39 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:27,840 We're building the biggest jumbotron in the world. 40 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:31,200 It's expensive, hence no marquee signings this year, 41 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:34,600 but we will have a jumbotron bigger than the pitch. 42 00:01:34,600 --> 00:01:36,000 Bigger than the pitch? 43 00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,440 Biggest in the world. 44 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:38,920 Bigger than life-size. 45 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:40,360 Why would you need that? 46 00:01:41,880 --> 00:01:44,560 A jumbotron bigger than the pitch... 47 00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,840 above one of the stands. 48 00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,280 OK, there's the actual pitch and 49 00:01:49,280 --> 00:01:51,560 then a slightly bigger version of the pitch 50 00:01:51,560 --> 00:01:53,840 showing the same game...just above it? 51 00:01:53,840 --> 00:01:55,400 I knew you'd get it. 52 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:58,680 Well, come see me in my office after this and we'll get you signed. 53 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,440 If you pass. 54 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:03,840 If you fail, then I guess this is goodbye. 55 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:06,960 Cough. 56 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,520 COMMENTATOR: Aguero! 57 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,960 Well, no, I'd not heard of him either. 58 00:02:25,960 --> 00:02:28,000 American. Yeah. 59 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,840 Well, you know, raise the profile, sell some shirts back home. 60 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:32,160 Exactly. 61 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,000 Yeah. 62 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,440 Well, he might suck, yeah. 63 00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:38,200 I know. 64 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,240 All right. Bye. Bye. Love you, Mom. 65 00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,400 OK. Let's get you signed. 66 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,880 Oh, is the manager not going to be here, Mr Crane? 67 00:02:45,880 --> 00:02:47,480 Oh, please call me Mr Chairman. 68 00:02:47,480 --> 00:02:48,960 Sadly, no. 69 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,440 Signor Cesare, our esteemed manager, won't be present. 70 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,080 Oh. OK. 71 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:56,000 Sign here, here and here, please. 72 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:58,600 Wow, I've got to say, when I heard 73 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,920 there was an American international available, 74 00:03:00,920 --> 00:03:02,280 I jumped at the chance. 75 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:04,080 Oh, I don't play for the US national team. 76 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,560 US men's team. You play for the US men's team. 77 00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:08,880 No, I haven't been selected...yet! 78 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,680 So I just signed an American 79 00:03:15,680 --> 00:03:18,520 who's not even an international? 80 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:47,400 Yeah, Danielle, can you get me Jonathan? 81 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,320 Yes, Head of Legal Jonathan. 82 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:50,680 Thank you. 83 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:56,160 OK, Mattie, well, I've got some urgent legal stuff to deal with, 84 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,880 so I will see you tomorrow... 85 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:00,800 ..maybe. 86 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,840 Yes! Benjamin, are you messaging 87 00:04:17,840 --> 00:04:20,520 those pornographic women again? She's an influencer. 88 00:04:20,520 --> 00:04:22,280 It's pornography. Look at this girl. 89 00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:24,800 Filthy and dirty. Think of what you could catch. 90 00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:26,760 Are you listening to me? 91 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:29,800 You only work one hour a day. Still you're going to be late. 92 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,440 You could have been a doctor. Why are you not a doctor? 93 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,400 Oh, come on. Get out of here. 94 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,120 If I slap you. 95 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,960 Bye, Mum. Love you. 96 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,840 HE GASPS 97 00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:03,200 CHILD: Suck my dick. Just press the button, will you? 98 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:06,200 Suck my arsehole. Right, I'm going. Nah, come on, mate. 99 00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:08,280 It's only 3-0. I can get this back. 100 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:09,760 Nah, I've got to get to school. 101 00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:11,480 Shit, what time's it? 8.50. 102 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,440 Ah, you're joking! I'm late for work. 103 00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,840 You've got a job? Yeah, and I'm here in my pants. 104 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:18,680 You're a grown-up and you're in your pants? Mum! 105 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,920 HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS 106 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:25,320 SIREN WAILS 107 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,040 Oh, no way, man. 108 00:05:31,440 --> 00:05:33,040 Whose car's this? 109 00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:34,880 It's mine. Is it fuck. 110 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:37,080 Why'd you stop me? Because we can 111 00:05:37,080 --> 00:05:39,040 and because your car is blinding peop... 112 00:05:39,040 --> 00:05:40,680 Wait a minute. 113 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:42,520 Are you Benji Achebe? 114 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,080 Y-Yeah. 115 00:05:44,080 --> 00:05:45,800 I knew it. 116 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:47,600 Take a look at this. 117 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:52,800 I've had a season ticket for 20 years. 118 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,720 So cool to meet you, mate. 119 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,360 He's not a fan. 120 00:05:56,360 --> 00:05:57,840 He thinks we're shit. 121 00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:00,320 "Yeah, Cesare used to be good, but what's he won recently?" 122 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:01,920 That's what you say, innit? 123 00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:04,240 "Coming sixth for eight years isn't a trophy," 124 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,040 that's what he says. Prick. 125 00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:07,760 Bro, I'm gonna be late for training. 126 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,480 Yeah, we just need to see your insurance, please. 127 00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,720 Yeah, we will need to see your insurance. 128 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,440 Look, the thing is, I haven't got insurance for this exact car. 129 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:18,040 I mean, at my age, it's so expensive, it's a crime. 130 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:20,520 Hey, that's what you should be investigating. 131 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,120 Ha-ha, no doubt. Yeah. 132 00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:24,040 So, we can work this out, huh? 133 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:27,680 Why don't I get you a couple of tickets to the game Saturday? 134 00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,280 As my guest. 135 00:06:29,280 --> 00:06:30,960 Get a bit of VIP treatment. 136 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:33,240 I would love that. Yeah, it would be decent, actually. 137 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:34,920 Be good to watch you lose. 138 00:06:34,920 --> 00:06:36,320 What's he like? 139 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,000 All right. Sweet. No problem. 140 00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,360 I'll leave the tickets and the passes at the box office. 141 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,120 Yeah, well, you can't drive the car. 142 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:43,520 What? Benji! 143 00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,800 You haven't got any insurance. 144 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:54,160 So I'm Olivia Talbot, Head of Press, 145 00:06:54,160 --> 00:06:56,200 which encompasses a number of things. 146 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,040 Obviously, you need to clear it with me 147 00:06:58,040 --> 00:06:59,760 before you speak to any journalists, 148 00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:01,600 but I'll also be your best friend, Mattie. 149 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,920 I'll do anything for you. Thank you. Thanks. 150 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:05,680 I was really hoping that... 151 00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,400 But one day I will stab you in the back. 152 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:08,800 You can trust me entirely. 153 00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,120 My door is always open. 154 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:11,800 I'm here for you. 155 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:13,480 You mentioned backstabbing. 156 00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:15,000 But know this - 157 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,040 I work for the club and if, for example, 158 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:18,880 they want me to turn the fans against you, 159 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,240 I'll do it immediately. 160 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,280 And you're here to welcome me? 161 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:24,880 I am. Any questions? 162 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,600 Will Cesare be at the press conference? 163 00:07:26,600 --> 00:07:28,080 Press conference for what? 164 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,760 My signing. Me signing for the club. 165 00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:31,240 Oh, there isn't one. 166 00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,240 Really? Why not? 167 00:07:33,240 --> 00:07:36,720 Don't think anyone would come, do you? 168 00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:38,400 You came back, which is brave. 169 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,720 Oh, Chris, can you show our new signing, as of now, around? 170 00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:44,000 This is Chris Booth. He's our Head of Press. 171 00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,120 Well, Assistant Coach, but he knows that. 172 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:48,840 Er, Chris, this is... Mattie. Mattie Sullivan. 173 00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:51,000 Yeah, great to meet you. Great to meet you too. 174 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,720 Oh, great to meet you. 175 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,440 Oh, just said that, didn't I? 176 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:56,000 Wally. 177 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:57,800 Well, what a treat, eh? 178 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,040 Our young signing from America. 179 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,560 He's not an American international. 180 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:08,880 Jonathan, thank God. Jonathan, my mom's going to kill me. 181 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:12,600 Right, well, let's show you around the training facility, shall we? 182 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:14,840 Oh, this is where the kit man is. 183 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,360 He's a great guy. 184 00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:19,400 Fuck off. 185 00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:26,480 And this is the car park. 186 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,000 Lots of cars here. 187 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:29,640 All making sense so far? 188 00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,520 Yep, it's the car park. 189 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:35,600 Chris, I've not met Cesare yet and I'm just getting a bit worried. 190 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,440 Do you know why he signed me? 191 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,880 I imagine cos you're bloody brilliant, aren't you? 192 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:41,440 I don't know. 193 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:42,960 Am I good enough for this level? 194 00:08:42,960 --> 00:08:45,680 Mattie, do you know what they say about here? 195 00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:47,160 No? 196 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,840 Trust in Cesare. 197 00:08:48,840 --> 00:08:51,800 Trust...in Cesare. 198 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:54,360 Yeah, yeah, of course. I mean, he's meticulous, right? 199 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:57,360 Those books that he writes in, the hundreds of notes he takes all game 200 00:08:57,360 --> 00:08:59,840 - I imagine you've learned so much from them. 201 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,880 Nah, never seen them. The boss, he keeps his notes very close to his 202 00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:05,640 chest. Such an enigma. But I owe that man everything. 203 00:09:05,640 --> 00:09:07,560 When my knee injury ended my career, 204 00:09:07,560 --> 00:09:09,520 he got me straight on the coaching staff. 205 00:09:09,520 --> 00:09:11,400 It's bloody hard work, though, coaching. 206 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:12,920 My wife's not happy. 207 00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,240 Hardly ever sees me. 208 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:15,880 Or maybe she's happier. 209 00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:17,480 Ahh... 210 00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,680 Every marriage has its ups and downs, doesn't it? 211 00:09:26,360 --> 00:09:29,000 Oh, I'd better go and deal with this. 212 00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,920 The dressing rooms are over there. Great bunch of pros. 213 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,560 Like, eugh! Banter. 214 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,680 Hey, guys. 215 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,480 Mattie Sullivan. 216 00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:49,880 Just signed. 217 00:09:49,880 --> 00:09:51,600 From Sporting Kansas. 218 00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:53,240 It's in the MLS. The American league. 219 00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:54,760 You guys know what the MLS is. 220 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,240 Great. PLAYERS SPEAK FRENCH 221 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:59,120 Ah! 222 00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,360 Bonjour. Vous etes francais? 223 00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:03,680 Je m'appelle Mattie. 224 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,280 I just picked up a few words in 225 00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:07,680 every language - just a way to make friends. 226 00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:09,400 THEY LAUGH 227 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,320 THEY SPEAK FRENCH 228 00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:15,160 Well, I guess I'd better find a spot, then. 229 00:10:15,160 --> 00:10:17,200 Don't sit there. That's Carlos' place. 230 00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,960 Oh, right, yeah. Sorry. 231 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,920 Alors! Non, non, pas la. OK. Right, right, right. 232 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,640 Er... 233 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:29,960 ALL: No! OK. Oh, OK. OK. 234 00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:33,600 Sit here, mate. No-one sits here. 235 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,800 Oh. Thanks. 236 00:10:37,800 --> 00:10:40,360 SHOUTS: That's my fucking seat! 237 00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,840 Oh, shit, yeah, Petey sits there. 238 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,520 Read my lips. 239 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:46,160 That is my seat. 240 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,760 Don't have to read your lips, cos I 241 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:49,640 can hear the noise your mouth is making. 242 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,600 Are you disrespecting me? 243 00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:53,400 Is that what you're doing? 244 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,960 No, but it's a little bit hard to 245 00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,400 take you seriously, as you are completely naked. 246 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,560 Yeah, what's funny about that? My dick? 247 00:10:59,560 --> 00:11:00,800 No, course not. 248 00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:04,520 You steal my seat, then laugh at my dick. 249 00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,440 I've got a very long foreskin. 250 00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:09,000 Is that funny? 251 00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:12,600 No, I didn't know that. Do you want me to look? 252 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:14,360 Do I want you to look at my dick? 253 00:11:14,360 --> 00:11:15,840 This is banter, right? 254 00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,760 Is this banter?! 255 00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:21,800 Ah, stop mucking about, you two. Come on. Let's get out there. 256 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:24,200 Mattie, come on. Don't want to be late on day one. 257 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:26,560 Er...er, Petey. 258 00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,760 Don't tell me what to do. 259 00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:33,640 You didn't when we played together. Don't now. 260 00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:39,400 Priceless. Don't change, Petey. 261 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,280 No, listen, right? Results are 262 00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:48,120 terrible and they finish training at 12. 263 00:11:48,120 --> 00:11:50,160 What do they do all day? Train more. 264 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,600 And what if they get injured? Don't get injured. 265 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:56,680 I wouldn't mind doing a job where I do half a day's work on their wages. 266 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,720 Excuse me! Jack! 267 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:04,120 Now, come on, mate, please. I need them. 268 00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:05,360 Then buy your own. 269 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:06,720 You've got the money. 270 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,440 Everything OK? Yeah, yeah, fine. 271 00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:11,480 He caught me. 272 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:13,520 You were stealing toilet paper. Borrowing. 273 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,400 I'm not sure you can borrow toilet paper. 274 00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,080 Have you not got any at home? 275 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,280 No, I don't buy it. It's embarrassing, innit? 276 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,440 What if someone saw me? 277 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,480 They might think that, like every other human on Earth, you excrete. 278 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:25,440 Exactly. Embarrassing. 279 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:26,800 Jack, are you telling me you've 280 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,680 never bought toilet paper, not even online? 281 00:12:28,680 --> 00:12:29,920 Oh, mate, that's way worse. 282 00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,600 A stranger coming to your house with a big box of shit paper. 283 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:35,120 This might seem like a weird question as we've just met, 284 00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,880 but where are you pooing, then, Jack? 285 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:38,240 Er, usually at work. 286 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:40,000 Sometimes I use the disabled bogs 287 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:42,320 for a treat, but I weren't feeling it today. 288 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:43,960 OK. Tell me if I'm crossing a line 289 00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,760 here, but do you want me to help you, 290 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:48,240 a grown man, buy some toilet paper? 291 00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:49,800 Yeah. 292 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,240 Yeah, you can do, if you like. 293 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,040 Me car's parked in the car park. 294 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,800 And this is the car park. 295 00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:57,200 Yo, Jack! Yes, mate. 296 00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,480 Got a spare ticket for Saturday? I need one. 297 00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:00,880 Both of mine are going free. 298 00:13:00,880 --> 00:13:03,400 I don't have anyone to... Nice one. Cheers. 299 00:13:03,400 --> 00:13:05,760 Going to show this Instagram hottie the time of her life. 300 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:07,360 What have you done with your tickets? 301 00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,640 Gave them to the Old Bill. Charity? Sort of. 302 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,080 What are you doing now, then? Mum's 303 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:12,880 not picking me up for the next three hours. 304 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:14,240 Oh, your mom still picks you up? 305 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,040 She's normally more reliable than this. 306 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:18,040 Why not get an Uber? I can't, because... 307 00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:20,960 And it's so unfair... They won't pick me up, cos my rating's so low. 308 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,600 I've never heard of that. 309 00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,080 I book the car, right? 310 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:26,040 So for that amount of time, that's my car. 311 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:28,080 If I get caught short and I need to piss in a car, 312 00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:29,760 in a bottle, then that's my car. 313 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:32,720 I can piss. It's not like I'm trying to spill any. I barely spilled any. 314 00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:34,960 OK. I'm Mattie, by the way. I know. 315 00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:37,360 The only player who signed in the transfer window. 316 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,000 So, Jack, can I get a lift, then? 317 00:13:39,000 --> 00:13:41,200 Yeah, yeah, just going to go to the cash-and-carry. 318 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:43,880 Mattie's going to help me buy my first-ever bog roll. 319 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,800 I hate this. It's so embarrassing. 320 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,120 Bro, stealing toilet paper from work to wipe your cheeks 321 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:58,560 has got to be more embarrassing. 322 00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:00,320 I can't imagine doing this all the time. 323 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:01,880 Which is why we're going to buy you 324 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,840 enough toilet paper to last until you're 30, 325 00:14:03,840 --> 00:14:05,760 by which time, I assume, you'll be married. 326 00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:07,400 Hope so. So you're now, what, 21? 327 00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,040 Yeah, just. So that's nine years. 328 00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,840 52 weeks in a year. Let's say two rolls a week. 104. 329 00:14:11,840 --> 00:14:13,280 104 times 9. What's that? 330 00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:14,600 Joking, aren't you? 331 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,440 It's 936. So all you need to do is buy 936 rolls. 332 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:20,760 Fine, just be quick. Bro, this is tragic. 333 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,720 I'm glad my new girlfriend don't shop here. 334 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:24,080 You got a girlfriend, Mattie? 335 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:27,400 Me? No. Single, yeah? Playa! 336 00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,640 So when was the last time you got some action, then? 337 00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:33,280 Well, if by action you mean sex, then, I guess, probably 2017. 338 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,040 What?! The year 2017. 339 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:36,960 Yeah. So you're a virgin? 340 00:14:36,960 --> 00:14:38,480 No, because I've had sex. 341 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,120 But it's been so long, you're basically a virgin. Not really. 342 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,120 It's binary. Virgin or not virgin. 343 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:44,680 Or born-again virgin. 344 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,440 It's a self-imposed dry patch. 345 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,240 I've been focusing on my career. 346 00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:52,000 Jack Turner? Er, yeah. 347 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:55,000 I saw you play the other day against Sunderland in the cup. 348 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,280 Yeah. You were absolutely diabolical. 349 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:00,200 You strolled around, half-arsing tackles. 350 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,840 You don't care about the club, about the badge. 351 00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:06,720 You lot, you just get it handed to you - massive wages, easy life. 352 00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,440 Turn up...not bothered. 353 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,480 You, sir, have no idea what you're talking about. 354 00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:14,200 I've supported this team for 25 years. 355 00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:17,440 I have watched and suffered as people like him destroy this club. 356 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:19,680 You've suffered? Mmm. You've suffered? 357 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:23,560 For years, Jack Turner has woken up at six in the morning to train, 358 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,560 muscles aching from the day before. 359 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:28,880 Most men his age are out drinking, eating junk food, having fun. 360 00:15:28,880 --> 00:15:30,920 But every night he goes to bed sober. 361 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,400 He sacrifices a normal life to entertain you. 362 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:35,320 Yes, he gets paid well, but his 363 00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:37,840 career could be ended by one bad tackle 364 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:41,400 and he has to take abuse from fans even when he's out buying... 365 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:43,240 936 rolls of toilet paper. 366 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,520 936 rolls of toilet paper. 367 00:15:45,520 --> 00:15:47,560 I can guarantee Jack wants to win 368 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:50,120 more than you, more than any supporter, 369 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:55,080 because for him it's not just entertainment, it's his whole life. 370 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,080 You were still shit. 371 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:02,880 What a prick. 372 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:05,000 Yeah, fair comment, though. What? 373 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:06,520 Was shit in that game, like. 374 00:16:06,520 --> 00:16:08,760 I'd been up all night playing Fortnite. 375 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:18,200 Oh, my gosh. Look, look, look. 376 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,160 Over there. Oh, my God. 377 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:22,160 Oh, my God, it's Jack Turner. 378 00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:23,200 No way, Jack. 379 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:25,720 Are you in the team Saturday? Yeah. 380 00:16:25,720 --> 00:16:28,760 Wait, what's with all the toilet roll, Jack? 381 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:30,840 Have you got a bum problem, Jack? 382 00:16:30,840 --> 00:16:33,080 Yeah, have you got a bum problem Jack? 383 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:36,160 What do you need all this for? You got poo problems? 384 00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:38,880 Oh, no, he's going to poo himself. Look at... 385 00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,400 Oh, he's embarrassed. 386 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:42,680 Fucking told you. 387 00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,440 Gonna poo himself! 388 00:16:48,720 --> 00:16:51,200 That's exactly what I was worried about. Come on. 389 00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:52,600 Who cares? They're just kids. 390 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:55,320 Kids who think you've got a bum problem, which is embarrassing. 391 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:58,480 They filmed it too. Oh, no! Look, Jack, it's not embarrassing. 392 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:00,920 You poo, everyone poos. It's not weird. 393 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:02,280 It's not like you're Petey and 394 00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,320 you've got a windsock for a foreskin. 395 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:07,640 Look, I'll go and I'll talk to them and just ask them not to share it. 396 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:16,200 OK, well, probably haven't got that many followers anyway. 397 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,440 CAR HORN BLARES 398 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,720 Whoa! Nice house, Jack. 399 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:34,440 You just move in? 400 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:35,880 Yeah, about two years ago. 401 00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,960 Oh, shit. I'd best text the landlord. 402 00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:43,520 To change a light bulb? 403 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,200 Yeah, course. 404 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:46,960 Can I get a glass of water? 405 00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:48,560 Water in the tap. 406 00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:57,120 No glasses? No. 407 00:17:59,480 --> 00:18:01,480 This is what you guys do all day? 408 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,880 Play PlayStation? Normally, yeah. 409 00:18:03,880 --> 00:18:05,760 Well, in Kansas, they'd fill our time for us, 410 00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,160 like we'd have double training sessions or study. 411 00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:09,800 Of course, we do a lot of charity work. 412 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:11,640 We do charity stuff all the time. 413 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,640 Always visiting the kids at the hospital. 414 00:18:13,640 --> 00:18:16,040 I swear I know every single sick kid within 50 miles. 415 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:18,640 The maddest thing is, they only care about the star names. 416 00:18:18,640 --> 00:18:20,960 They don't care about up-and-coming talent. 417 00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,720 Last time I went, that kid literally rolled his eyes at me. 418 00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,440 I think that was a seizure. 419 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,800 Yeah. My days! You're butters on this, Jack. 420 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,400 Yeah, I e-mailed them about it. 421 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,800 Fuck me, you're slow! 422 00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,800 I mean, you are slow but not that slow. 423 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,440 Yeah, so slow I made the squad for the game tomorrow and you never. 424 00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,600 Yeah, well, I don't mind sitting in the stands 425 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:42,000 if I'm sitting next to a smoking-hot Instachick. 426 00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,960 Wow, she is so disproportionately attractive compared to you. 427 00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:47,760 Yeah, at the game she'll get the full VIP treatment 428 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:51,240 and then after the game she'll get the full V-I-penis treatment. 429 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:52,400 Round your mum's house? 430 00:18:52,400 --> 00:18:53,760 No. No, no, no. No. 431 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:56,120 Getting some fresh wheels delivered tomorrow. 432 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,400 Going to drive her home. Perfect gent. 433 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,040 And then she's going to be like, 434 00:19:00,040 --> 00:19:02,200 "Want to come in for some coffee, Benji?" 435 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,800 I'm going to be like, "Only if it's decaf, babes. 436 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:06,560 "Sleep's important for recovery." 437 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:09,480 And then she's going to be like, "I meant come in for sex." 438 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,360 Then I'm going to say, "Don't mind if I do, babes. 439 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,680 "Don't mind if I do." 440 00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,200 And there you have it. 441 00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:17,720 A night of Mum-free sex. 442 00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,560 As opposed to the usual Mum-included sex? 443 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,640 You know, I've been meaning to ask you guys something, 444 00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:25,600 and don't take this as a weakness on my part, 445 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:29,680 but do you think that Cesare might have signed me by mistake? 446 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:31,680 Don't know. I mean, how shit are you? 447 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:33,120 Tricky for me to answer. 448 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,440 I mean, I am a professional footballer, so there's that. 449 00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:38,720 Maybe the scouts see something. Check his stats on FIFA. 450 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:40,000 Kansas. 451 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,840 Oh, they're bad. 452 00:19:41,840 --> 00:19:44,120 Erm, Matthew Sullivan, where are you? 453 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,600 No, you're not there. No card. 454 00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:47,240 What? Must be an old version. 455 00:19:47,240 --> 00:19:49,120 It's FIFA 20. Or you haven't updated it yet. 456 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,760 Updated it this morning. 457 00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:53,520 You don't exist on FIFA? Is that even possible? 458 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,640 I think I really need to talk to Cesare. Yes! 459 00:19:55,640 --> 00:19:57,960 Bow! Top bins! Oh, come on, just press the button. 460 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,920 No, I need to see the replay and the full celebration. 461 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:02,720 Just press it, will you? 462 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,440 Yeah. Tomorrow. 463 00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:08,200 Huge game for Cesare's men 464 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:12,640 if they want to avoid losing four home games on the bounce. 465 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:14,520 We've got to win this. 466 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,160 Every game is huge for us now. 467 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,480 It's a must-win. 468 00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:18,920 Come on, boys. Come on! 469 00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,400 Ref?! 470 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,520 You knobhead. 471 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,960 Can you see what Cesare's doing? 472 00:20:26,960 --> 00:20:28,840 Yes, managing a team. It's a match. 473 00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,600 Those notes in those books. God, I 474 00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:33,000 would love to know what he's writing in them. 475 00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:35,680 "Don't sign Mattie Sullivan - he's not even on FIFA." 476 00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:43,400 Did you guys have to wear uniform? Looks like I'm on day release. 477 00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:46,520 We're skiving off. Don't tell anyone. 478 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,400 Jack, get stripped. You're on. 479 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,240 Yes, go on, boy. Yes, Jack. 480 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:56,320 Whoo! 481 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:57,960 Come on, Jack! 482 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,200 Coming on, number 16, Jack Sullivan. 483 00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,440 APPLAUSE 484 00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:06,960 REPORTER: Jack Turner, just on, and 485 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,160 his first touch is to take this corner. 486 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:10,880 FANS: # Ohhh 487 00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:12,800 # He shits when he wants 488 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,320 # He shits all the time 489 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:17,160 # Jack Turner 490 00:21:17,160 --> 00:21:19,400 # What's wrong with his arse? 491 00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,480 # Bog roll, bog roll 492 00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,600 # Bog roll 493 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:27,360 # Bog roll, bog roll, bog roll... # 494 00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:29,960 REFEREE'S WHISTLE BLOWS 495 00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,360 REPORTER: And the fans must be 496 00:21:31,360 --> 00:21:33,360 wondering what's happening at this club. 497 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,480 What's one more loss, eh? 498 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,160 I genuinely hate this team. 499 00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:41,000 We go again! Come on! 500 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,240 Er, guys, is the boss here? 501 00:21:44,240 --> 00:21:46,040 Ow! Fu... 502 00:21:46,040 --> 00:21:48,960 Did you tell some kids I've got a long foreskin? 503 00:21:48,960 --> 00:21:50,920 Yes, to illustrate a point. 504 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:53,080 I can't really... 505 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,560 At least you're not naked this time. 506 00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,360 Ugh! Stop looking at my foreskin. 507 00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,600 Nah, come on, Petey, leave him. 508 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:06,600 I want you out! You're bad luck! 509 00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,480 Where's Mattie? 510 00:22:09,480 --> 00:22:11,200 He's hiding in the cupboard. 511 00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:14,960 Don't worry, Petey. I got it pulled. Not your foreskin, obviously - 512 00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:16,400 that would take too long. 513 00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:19,560 Mattie, Cesare's ready to see you. 514 00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,040 I'm sorry, the kids said they'd share the video about Jack, 515 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,640 but I didn't know they'd mention 516 00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:25,720 Petey's foreskin. Please don't be angry. 517 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:27,760 I am angry about that, but it can wait. 518 00:22:27,760 --> 00:22:29,480 Now you've got to see the boss. 519 00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:33,640 I'm scared of Petey. 520 00:22:33,640 --> 00:22:35,040 LAUGHTER 521 00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:36,280 I'll look after you. 522 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,160 You said you would stab me in the back. 523 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,640 Oh, I will, but not right now. 524 00:22:41,760 --> 00:22:43,760 LAUGHTER 525 00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:47,720 There's my big brave boy. Come on. 526 00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:52,760 KNOCK ON DOOR Signor Cesare? 527 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:56,160 Hey, Mattie. 528 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:57,680 Mattie, come. 529 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,000 Have a glass. 530 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,000 Enjoy with me. 531 00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,120 It's OK. 532 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,160 You're a good boy. 533 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:10,040 Values. 534 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:11,400 Sorry? 535 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,480 Values, Mattie. 536 00:23:13,480 --> 00:23:16,600 When I come to England, I respect values. 537 00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:18,480 I build. 538 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:20,720 I succeed...I think. Do you think? 539 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:22,440 Oh, my goodness. Yes. Yeah. 540 00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:25,000 Hmm. Yeah. Your teams have been amazing. 541 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:27,080 As a kid, I dreamt of playing for you. 542 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:29,520 I nearly fainted when my agent told me about your interest. 543 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,600 Yes, yes, always before...manager come, 544 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,760 "Have a glass of Barolo," but now, 545 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:39,400 "Hey, shut up, old wop prick!" for 90 minuto. 546 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:42,000 Then cry with press if I don't shake hand. 547 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,920 Then fuck off home! 548 00:23:43,920 --> 00:23:45,520 I'm not wop prick. 549 00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:46,880 They prick. 550 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,600 Like I said, I always dreamt of playing for you. 551 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:55,280 Never really thought I had what it took to play Cesare-ball. 552 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:56,840 But you must have seen something. 553 00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,240 Yes. You come from Academy. 554 00:23:59,240 --> 00:24:02,400 Oh, no. No, no, no. No. No, I was just signed from Kansas this week. 555 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:03,920 Yes? 556 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,320 Yes. Oh. 557 00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:09,600 Something I remember, something I don't remember. 558 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:12,200 Too many things to write down all the time. 559 00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,600 Well, you're famous for it. 560 00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:16,320 I mean, all those notes over all those years. 561 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,640 And I hope to coach one day and... Hey, Mattie, 562 00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:24,640 if you speak this much, I sit down, I get comfortable, huh? 563 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,320 You are a smart boy. 564 00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:31,680 Yeah, yeah, of course. Please, please sit down, erm... 565 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:35,640 I do have one question for you, though. 566 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:38,360 Kind of a big question for me. 567 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:42,120 Why did you sign me? 568 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:43,760 Wasn't to sell shirts, was it? 569 00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,440 No, I'm sure it wasn't. And you wouldn't even think like that. 570 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:49,120 I'm just such a left-field choice, and... Sorry. 571 00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:52,840 I didn't mean to ask. I'm just nervous and-and out of my depth. 572 00:24:52,840 --> 00:24:55,800 Or not. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe I was a stats decision. 573 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,520 But then, I'm not even on FIFA, so 574 00:24:57,520 --> 00:25:00,840 how did you find me and what did you see in me? Why did you want me? 575 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,240 I fucked up. 576 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:05,640 I'm sorry. 577 00:25:05,640 --> 00:25:08,080 How can I ask a legend like you these questions? 578 00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:10,720 I am a piece of shit. 579 00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:13,800 I'm going. 580 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:15,760 LABOURED BREATH 581 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:16,920 Oh... 582 00:25:16,920 --> 00:25:18,600 Er, no. Oh, God. 583 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:19,920 Er, no, no, no, no. 584 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,960 Er, sir, please don't be dead. Er...er... 585 00:25:22,960 --> 00:25:25,200 CESARE SNORES Oh. 586 00:25:28,640 --> 00:25:30,840 No, you're alive. Of course you're not dead. 587 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,520 I just...bored you to sleep. 588 00:25:34,680 --> 00:25:37,080 Nice. Good work, Mattie. 589 00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:40,080 Well, OK, thank you for your time. 590 00:25:42,120 --> 00:25:44,360 SNORING CONTINUES 591 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:58,840 Sudoku. 592 00:25:58,840 --> 00:25:59,880 Great. 593 00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:02,200 What a fucking mess. 594 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:06,640 Everything all right? Actually, not sure. 595 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,200 One minute we were talking, next minute he fell asleep. 596 00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,280 Yeah, he has a low tolerance for boring people. 597 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,920 Goodnight, Mattie. 598 00:26:13,920 --> 00:26:15,680 Yeah. Great. Goodnight. 599 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:21,080 Mo, can you and Raul come up? 600 00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:24,880 Yep, out like a light. You'll have to carry him again. 601 00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,800 No, he looks dry down there. 602 00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:34,280 And this is where we park the cars. 603 00:26:34,280 --> 00:26:37,480 Oh, cheers, mate. It's been a great night. Shame about the result. 604 00:26:37,480 --> 00:26:40,280 Bet you didn't expect to be sitting next to two coppers, did you? 605 00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:42,680 No, that's not what I expected. Benji Achebe? 606 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:45,680 Yeah. Got your new car. Ah! Oh! 607 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,240 Not another uninsured Bentley, I hope. No, no, no. 608 00:26:48,240 --> 00:26:50,680 Learnt my lesson. You're going to love this, babe, promise. 609 00:26:50,680 --> 00:26:52,320 Yeah? Yeah, come on. 610 00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:54,720 Not you two... Oh, fine. 611 00:26:54,720 --> 00:26:57,600 Here it is! Ha-ha! Yeah! 612 00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,800 Whoo! Bit of a step-down, Benji. 613 00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:04,120 Best of both worlds. I mean, it 614 00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:06,520 looks the shit, but with affordable insurance, huh? 615 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:08,840 Now, if you'll excuse us, officers, we've got to roll. 616 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:11,520 Is this for real? I thought you had a Bentley. 617 00:27:11,520 --> 00:27:13,120 Come on, I'll explain later. Just... 618 00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:15,880 Presumably you've registered the colour change with the DVLA. 619 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:17,760 With who? Changing the colour of a 620 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,240 car without informing the DVLA is illegal. 621 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:22,440 But it's the original colour underneath. 622 00:27:22,440 --> 00:27:23,800 Yeah, that don't matter. It's 623 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:25,800 visible colour. You can't drive this. 624 00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:27,840 Is this some joke ting? No joke ting. 625 00:27:27,840 --> 00:27:30,240 What about the VIP tickets? The dinner? 626 00:27:30,240 --> 00:27:32,480 Attempting to bribe a police officer is punishable 627 00:27:32,480 --> 00:27:34,160 with up to ten years in prison. What? 628 00:27:34,160 --> 00:27:36,600 No, I didn't. No, I was just.. 629 00:27:36,600 --> 00:27:38,400 Mate, we're winding you up. 630 00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,280 See? Old Bill can banter too. 631 00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,320 See you later, mate. 632 00:27:43,320 --> 00:27:44,960 So can I drive this home, yeah? 633 00:27:44,960 --> 00:27:46,320 BOTH: No! 634 00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:49,960 All right, help me pick this off. 635 00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:52,200 It can't take us more than, what, 20 minutes? 636 00:27:52,200 --> 00:27:55,280 I am not wasting a £40 manicure on a shitty Ford Focus. 637 00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:56,720 Call an Uber. 638 00:27:56,720 --> 00:27:58,120 I can't. That's another story. 639 00:27:58,120 --> 00:27:59,680 You can't even get an Uber? 640 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:01,280 For the duration of that journey, 641 00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,760 that's my car, and I barely spilled any. 642 00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:05,400 Can't you call it? 643 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:06,920 Yeah. I can. 644 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,040 An Uber for one. Bye. 645 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:12,040 Yeah. Bye. I can pay you back. Come on. 646 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:14,920 They don't even make Ubers for one. Oh, piss off! 647 00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:18,840 Ah, second-hand toilet paper. Nice. Yeah, they're Jack's brand. 648 00:28:18,840 --> 00:28:21,760 Oh, they'll forget all about that. What, the fans? Never. 649 00:28:21,760 --> 00:28:24,000 Not until the day you retire. Then not even after that. 650 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,160 Yeah, in 50 years they'll still be giving you rolls of toilet paper. 651 00:28:27,160 --> 00:28:29,240 Oh, sound. How are we getting home again? 652 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:31,480 Here, help me pick this off and I'll give you a lift. 653 00:28:31,480 --> 00:28:33,680 Can't take us more than, what, four hours? 654 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:38,960 How was your chat with Cesare, then? Yeah, good. 655 00:28:38,960 --> 00:28:40,440 Still got that fire, hasn't he? 656 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:42,960 Don't know. Not understood a word he's said in five years. 657 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:46,240 Oh, this is wrong, man! I'm going to drive it anyway. 658 00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:47,640 Come on, Benji, it's not worth it. 659 00:28:47,640 --> 00:28:50,200 Nah, nah, nah. I've got a plan. 660 00:28:51,760 --> 00:28:53,960 Ha-ha! I'm a genius. 661 00:28:53,960 --> 00:28:57,120 If they can't see the colour, they can't tell me it's the wrong colour. 662 00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,240 Could work. It's not going to work. 663 00:28:59,240 --> 00:29:02,960 Hey, that's about six months' worth of toilet paper you've used. 664 00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:04,720 I'll roll it up again after I get home. 665 00:29:04,720 --> 00:29:06,240 SIREN WAILS 666 00:29:06,240 --> 00:29:08,520 Oh, allow it, man. Told you. 667 00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:13,640 HIP-HOP MUSIC 78574

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