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[ Cheers and applause
good evening
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I'm your moderator, Chris
Wallace.
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And I think I'm going to do a
really, really good job tonight.
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First, I want to lay out the
rules.
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Which both parties agreed to in
advance.
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Each candidate will have two
minutes uninterrupted.
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Boring.
Mr. President, I haven't even
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introduced the candidates yet.
Tell that to my Adderall,
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Chris.
Now let's get this show on the
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road and off the rails
and you did take the COVID
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test you promised to take in
advance, correct
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absolutely.
Scout's honor.
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President Trump has already
introduced himself
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so let's now welcome the
Democratic candidate
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boo
here comes the booing.
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[ Laughter ]
Former vice president of the
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United States.
Allegedly
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>>.
[ Laughter ]
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And senator from Delaware
not even a real state
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Joe biden
[ Cheers and applause
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Mr. Vice president
just one second, Chris.
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[ Laughter ]
Okay
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it looks like you're ready to
debate, Joe.
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Absolutely not.
But I've got the beginning of 46
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fantastic ideas.
I may or may not have access to.
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[ Laughter ]
Now, let's do this
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I'm holding my bladder
let's get at her
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tonight we'll be discussing
six major topics, none of which
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anyone will remember by
tomorrow
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we begin with the supreme court.
President Trump, two minutes
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I'm going to do ten
and I'd like to begin with a
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list of complaints
people are mean to me.
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Joe here is very mean.
Chris Wallace is mean.
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The economy is mean.
It keeps losing jobs
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which is mean.
To me.
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00:02:34,026 --> 00:02:37,008
The China virus has been very
mean to me
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and being a hoax
and that statement is something
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that I will -- probably come
back to haunt me later this
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week
and what about the question I
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asked you about the supreme
court?
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I think I already answered
that question, Chris
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we're very excited about our
nominee, Amy Christina
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Barcelona.
It was so nice to welcome her
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the other day with open arms and
uncovered faces.
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Mr. Vice president, same
question
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you have two minutes
thank you, Chris.
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Now, look.
Here's the deal.
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No, it's not.
Excuse me
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please
could you just --
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no.
Whatever you're going to say,
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no
Mr. President
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Mr. President, please let him
speak.
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He let you speak
now let him speak.
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But he's lying.
I can't point out if he says a
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lie?
I said two words, you son of
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a -- no.
Don't do it, Joe
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that's exactly what he wants
don't let your inner whitey
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bulger come out.
Just flash them all that smile
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they taught you in anger
management
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now, Mr. Vice president and
only Mr. Vice president, would
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you consider adding additional
justices to the supreme court?
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He won't even answer.
I just asked the question
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he won't even answer it
just like he won't he answer
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about his son hunter and burisma
and the mayor of Moscow and
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Obama was spying on me and he
e-mailed Benghazi.
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Mr. President, you're just
listing terms you heard on fox
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news
it sounds like you're saying the
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names of characters from season
4 of a show that no one has
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watched.
Sheriff of Portland
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Mr. Vice president, your
turn
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look, here's the deal
can I respond to that, Chris?
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Will you just shut up, man?
[ Cheers and applause
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no, Joe.
No
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don't lose control
it's what he's hoping for.
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Okay
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Where was I?
You said "look, here's the
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deal."
okay.
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Look, here's the deal.
Nope
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lost it.
Come back to me.
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I'll find it
it's up here somewhere
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Chris, can I say one thing?
Am I allowed to say one thing?
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Yes, Mr. President.
What we need in this country
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is law and order
when someone breaks the rules,
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they need to face the
consequences
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no exceptions.
Okay.
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What about your taxes?
There have to be exceptions,
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Chris.
The terms law and order, they're
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very vague terms
and rules are meant to be
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broken
it's the same with masks
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I've got mine right here in my
pocket
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okay
it's right here.
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[ Laughter ]
But you don't need a mask all
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the time
it's like a seat belt.
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You just wear it when you're
backing out of the driveway,
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then you can take it off
[ Laughter ]
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But Joe wears the biggest mask
you've ever seen
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and he's always standing like
200 feet away from people.
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Look, man
I'm a nice guy
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but if you give me any more guff
tonight I'll rip your face off
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like a mad chimp
[ Laughter ]
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I'll knock that thing off your
head and burn it
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Bury it in the pet cemetery
where it came from
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stop it, Joe
stop it.
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You can't lose your cool just
because this joker's raising
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little monkey dust
the country's counting on you.
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Just stand here and look lucid
[ Laughter ]
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00:07:04,028 --> 00:07:09,017
I know it.
I know what'll calm me down.
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00:07:09,018 --> 00:07:13,014
My new Harry styles meditation
tape
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we dip our toes in cold wet
sand
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nice.
We sit and face the sea
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cleansing
we let the waves watch over
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us
alone.
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Just you and me.
Hey
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I think maybe I should listen
to my meditation tape as well.
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Ladies and gentlemen!
Freedom, Liberty and the
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American dream
the best is yet to come!
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Aaaaahhh
all right, all right.
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Can we please have a civilized
dialogue
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debates are a time-honored
tradition and the bedrock of
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American democracy
gay
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00:08:04,019 --> 00:08:05,999
[ laughter ]
Mr. President, if you keep
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interrupting this debate, I'll
do absolutely nothing about it
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okay, okay.
I'll be quiet.
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I don't want to be dictated
to
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and I'm not going to be
distracted anymore by this clown
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tonight.
Okay
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I'm definitely going to
concentrate.
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I'm going to try to keep my --
what is that
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where's that coming from
Mr. President, please stop
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using a laser pointer.
It's not a laser pointer.
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It's a wand that cures the
COVID.
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Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys.
[ Cheers and applause
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both of you, just stop right
now.
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All right?
You look at me, Donald
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you do not treat my Joe like
that
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all right?
Kamala, I got this.
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Joe, let mamala go to work.
[ Laughter ]
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Now, Donald, I want you to
apologize to Joe
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he started it
hey
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hey!
I don't care who started it.
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All right?
I don't even care who sharted
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it
you apologize to Joe
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no
I'm sorry
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what's that
I said sorry.
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You know, look, I think if
there's one thing we learned
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tonight, it's that America needs
a wap.
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Woman as president
[ Cheers and applause
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but for now I'll settle for
hvpic.
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Hot vice president in charge
so why don't the to owo of you
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finish this debate or whatever
the hell this is with dignity?
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And when you're done I've got
some pb and j and apple slices
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waiting for you.
Yummy
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thank you, senator Harris.
Oh, I am not done with you,
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Chris.
You will see me in my office
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after debate
ooh
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ooh
and finally, just to ensure
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this is the worst presidential
debate in history, I'd like to
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close with white supremacy
ooh, baby, come to papa
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[ laughter ]
Mr. President, I'll ask you
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directly
do you condemn white
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supremacists
condemn them?
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I don't know any
I mean, who are you even talking
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about?
The proud boys
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the white boot
the eugenics eagles?
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I don't even know any of these
groups
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I certainly wouldn't even know
how to signal them if I tried.
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America, are you listening to
this
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the president of the united
states is literally blowing a
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dog whistle.
[ Laughter ]
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I don't think this thing is
work
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I don't hear anything.
Mr. Vice president, your
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closing statement.
Well --
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that is so unfair
why don't I get to make a
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00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:19,021
closing statement first?
After all, I am the pres---
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[ laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause
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sorry, but I think we all
needed a break
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isn't that satisfying?
Just not to hear his voice for a
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single goddamn second.
[ Cheers and applause
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let's wall low in it
let's bask in the trumplessness.
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[ Laughter ]
Now, Chris, could I speak
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directly to the American people?
Is it going to be weird
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totally
[ Laughter ]
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Totally weird.
America.
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Look at me
look directly into my eyeballs
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you can trust me
because I believe in science and
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Karma.
Now, just imagine if science and
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Karma could somehow team up and
send us all a message about how
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dangerous this virus can be.
[ Laughter ]
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I'm not saying I want it to
happen
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just imagine if it did
[ Laughter ]
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[ Cheers and applause
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Nope.
Can't do it.
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I'm going to leave him on pause.
Oh, and one more thing
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live from New York, it's
Saturday night
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00:13:33,019 --> 00:13:37,026
Saturday night
announcer: It's "Saturday
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00:13:37,027 --> 00:13:44,009
night live"!
With -
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Beck Bennett
aidy Bryant.
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Michael che.
Pete Davidson.
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Mikey day.
Heidi gardner.
200
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:22,015
Colin jost
Kate McKinnon.
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00:14:22,016 --> 00:14:31,018
Alex moffat.
Kyle mooney.
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Ego nwodim
Chris redd
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cecily strong.
Kenan Thompson
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Melissa villasenor
featuring --
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Andrew dismukes.
Chloe fineman.
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00:15:12,019 --> 00:15:21,008
Lauren holt.
Mikey Johnson.
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Bowen Yang
musical guest
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Megan thee stallion.
And your host, Chris rock.
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♪
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Ladies and gentlemen,
Chris rock
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[ cheers and applause
♪
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Thank you!
Thank you!
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00:16:07,016 --> 00:16:08,021
Thank you!
Thank you very much!
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00:16:08,022 --> 00:16:13,012
Before we even get started
let's -- you know, the elephant
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00:16:13,013 --> 00:16:15,005
in the room.
President Trump's in the
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hospital
from COVID
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00:16:19,001 --> 00:16:22,015
and you know, I just want to say
my heart goes out to COVID
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[ laughter ]
This is a special show
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00:16:27,010 --> 00:16:32,007
this show is quite different
than every other show.
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There are so many -- everybody
in this audience has been
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00:16:35,020 --> 00:16:40,009
checked and all week I've had
things going up my nose.
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00:16:40,010 --> 00:16:43,016
Every day I come in here
I haven't had so much stuff up
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00:16:43,017 --> 00:16:45,017
my nose since I shared a
dressing room with Chris farley.
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00:16:45,018 --> 00:16:52,007
[ Laughter ]
I've got to say, the audience,
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00:16:52,008 --> 00:16:57,002
this floor right here, are first
respond -- what are they, first
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00:16:57,003 --> 00:16:57,028
responders
all the audience right here.
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00:16:57,029 --> 00:17:04,999
[ Cheers and applause
everybody here
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00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,019
they're first responders
okay
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00:17:07,020 --> 00:17:12,009
they're so good, we let people
die tonight so they could see a
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00:17:12,010 --> 00:17:13,017
good show.
Okay
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00:17:13,018 --> 00:17:19,014
[ laughter ]
Now, you know, everything's --
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the world is insane right now.
But one thing we can agree upon,
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00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:29,026
COVID has ruined our plans
we all used to have plans before
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00:17:29,027 --> 00:17:33,003
COVID.
Remember we used to be able to
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00:17:33,004 --> 00:17:37,001
plan stuff
my sister was getting married.
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00:17:37,002 --> 00:17:38,018
I paid bell biv devoe $80,000.
And I can't get it back.
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00:17:38,019 --> 00:17:45,020
[ Laughter ]
I had tickets to Coachella, man.
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00:17:45,021 --> 00:17:48,009
I know 200,000 Americans are
dead
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00:17:48,010 --> 00:17:53,006
but I'm not seeing rage against
the machine this year, man
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00:17:53,007 --> 00:17:54,008
[ laughter ]
That is a travesty
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00:17:54,009 --> 00:17:58,001
now, one thing I've noticed
about this whole pandemic.
242
00:17:58,002 --> 00:18:02,003
People are like reassessing
their relationships.
243
00:18:02,004 --> 00:18:03,023
That's the big thing
taking inventory
244
00:18:03,024 --> 00:18:06,014
you know, a lot of break-ups
a lot of divorces.
245
00:18:06,015 --> 00:18:10,003
And a lot of like
renegotiations
246
00:18:10,004 --> 00:18:11,026
you know
couples stay together but
247
00:18:11,027 --> 00:18:14,013
they're like okay, we're going
to stay together but I'm telling
248
00:18:14,014 --> 00:18:17,018
you exactly what I don't like
about you right now.
249
00:18:17,019 --> 00:18:21,021
[ Laughter ]
If we're going to keep this
250
00:18:21,022 --> 00:18:23,018
going you're going to have to
change some stuff.
251
00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:24,017
Okay
and it's weird
252
00:18:24,018 --> 00:18:26,014
we're doing that with our
relationships.
253
00:18:26,015 --> 00:18:28,004
All of us are doing that with
our relationships.
254
00:18:28,005 --> 00:18:30,015
But I think we need to
renegotiate our relationship to
255
00:18:30,016 --> 00:18:37,013
the government
you know
256
00:18:37,014 --> 00:18:38,027
[ applause ]
It's like -- yeah, we need to
257
00:18:38,028 --> 00:18:41,006
renegotiate our relationship to
the government
258
00:18:41,007 --> 00:18:44,017
it doesn't work.
I mean, I think Joe biden should
259
00:18:44,018 --> 00:18:48,000
be the last president ever
[ Laughter ]
260
00:18:48,001 --> 00:18:50,025
We need a whole new system
okay
261
00:18:50,026 --> 00:18:53,018
I mean, do we even need a
president president?
262
00:18:53,019 --> 00:18:56,010
Or just figure out a new way to
do the job
263
00:18:56,011 --> 00:19:00,024
I mean, what job do you have for
four years no matter what?
264
00:19:00,025 --> 00:19:03,011
[ Laughter ]
Show me one job.
265
00:19:03,012 --> 00:19:08,018
Like if you hired a cook and he
was making people vomit every
266
00:19:08,019 --> 00:19:13,004
day, do you sit there and go,
"well, he's got a four-year
267
00:19:13,005 --> 00:19:14,024
deal"?
We've just got to vomit for four
268
00:19:14,025 --> 00:19:17,016
more years
[ Laughter ]
269
00:19:17,017 --> 00:19:19,028
I mean, to be the president of
the United States all you have
270
00:19:19,029 --> 00:19:24,010
to be is 35 and born in the
United States.
271
00:19:24,011 --> 00:19:27,001
So you know, if anybody can be
the president, then anybody can
272
00:19:27,002 --> 00:19:33,023
be the president
[ Applause ]
273
00:19:33,024 --> 00:19:35,008
That's how we got in this
predicament.
274
00:19:35,009 --> 00:19:38,007
You know what I mean
I mean, it should be some rules
275
00:19:38,008 --> 00:19:41,019
to being the president
you realize there's more rules
276
00:19:41,020 --> 00:19:44,017
to a game show than running for
president?
277
00:19:44,018 --> 00:19:48,022
[ Laughter ]
Like Donald Trump left a game
278
00:19:48,023 --> 00:19:53,023
show to run for president
because it was easier.
279
00:19:53,024 --> 00:19:54,012
[ Laughter ]
That's right
280
00:19:54,013 --> 00:19:55,025
there's rules to be on
"jeopardy.
281
00:19:55,026 --> 00:19:57,020
You can't just jump on
"jeopardy"
282
00:19:57,021 --> 00:19:59,999
you can't throw your son on
"jeopardy.
283
00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:02,000
Or your son-in-law
Steve Harvey can't put his
284
00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:09,007
family on "family feud."
[ Laughter ]
285
00:20:09,008 --> 00:20:13,000
It's like real scrutiny, man
and do the democrats even want
286
00:20:13,001 --> 00:20:15,018
to win
do they even want to win
287
00:20:15,019 --> 00:20:17,027
it's like Trump, he runs
against -- the democrats just
288
00:20:17,028 --> 00:20:22,027
keep putting up 75-year-old
people to run against Trump.
289
00:20:22,028 --> 00:20:25,025
Now, hey, one thing we can say
about Trump.
290
00:20:25,026 --> 00:20:29,023
He got the most energy of any
75-year-old person on the face
291
00:20:29,024 --> 00:20:31,015
of the earth
even Mick Jagger's like, "slow
292
00:20:31,016 --> 00:20:36,001
down, Donald."
[ Laughter ]
293
00:20:36,002 --> 00:20:40,005
You know, Trump is like -- he's
like a dominant female boxer
294
00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:44,011
he's like ronda rousey
like damn, it she can fight.
295
00:20:44,012 --> 00:20:48,019
And then you go, oh, she hitting
girls.
296
00:20:48,020 --> 00:20:50,016
[ Laughter ]
We've got to figure out our
297
00:20:50,017 --> 00:20:52,022
whole relationship
we've got to renegotiate our
298
00:20:52,023 --> 00:20:55,009
relationship to the government
the senate and the congress
299
00:20:55,010 --> 00:20:58,015
doesn't work
no, it doesn't freaking work,
300
00:20:58,016 --> 00:21:00,013
man.
It doesn't work.
301
00:21:00,014 --> 00:21:04,028
And why doesn't it work?
Because they need freaking term
302
00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:05,011
limits
okay
303
00:21:05,012 --> 00:21:08,009
we've agreed in the united
states that we cannot have
304
00:21:08,010 --> 00:21:11,016
kings.
Yet we have Dukes and duchesses
305
00:21:11,017 --> 00:21:13,023
running the senate and the
congress making decisions for
306
00:21:13,024 --> 00:21:17,000
poor people.
[ Applause ]
307
00:21:17,001 --> 00:21:24,026
That's right
rich people making decisions for
308
00:21:24,027 --> 00:21:26,023
poor people.
That's like your handsome friend
309
00:21:26,024 --> 00:21:29,004
giving you dating advice
like I I think you should go
310
00:21:29,005 --> 00:21:32,000
over there and grab her by the
ass and tell her it's yours.
311
00:21:32,001 --> 00:21:38,026
Yeah, that works for you, Idris.
[ Laughter ]
312
00:21:38,027 --> 00:21:40,010
Hey, we've got to take this
serious.
313
00:21:40,011 --> 00:21:42,999
We've got to get out there
we've got to vote.
314
00:21:43,000 --> 00:21:44,024
But they don't want us to vote
the government does not want you
315
00:21:44,025 --> 00:21:49,000
to vote.
Why do I know they don't want
316
00:21:49,001 --> 00:21:50,019
you to vote?
Because election day's a Tuesday
317
00:21:50,020 --> 00:21:55,012
in November.
[ Laughter ]
318
00:21:55,013 --> 00:21:57,027
Anybody here ever put something
on a Tuesday in November
319
00:21:57,028 --> 00:22:00,022
does anybody get married on a
Tuesday in November?
320
00:22:00,023 --> 00:22:03,018
Church ain't on a Tuesday.
[ Laughter ]
321
00:22:03,019 --> 00:22:06,016
Even Jesus avoids Tuesday.
[ Laughter ]
322
00:22:06,017 --> 00:22:09,000
You know, if this show was
Tuesday night live, it would
323
00:22:09,001 --> 00:22:14,024
have got canceled in 1975.
[ Laughter ]
324
00:22:14,025 --> 00:22:17,002
I mean, that's why we've got to
vote, man.
325
00:22:17,003 --> 00:22:19,009
And we've got to take it
seriously.
326
00:22:19,010 --> 00:22:22,017
We've got to take it serious
you know, like I watch the
327
00:22:22,018 --> 00:22:24,025
Republicans take it serious.
You know, you watch fox news,
328
00:22:24,026 --> 00:22:28,007
Sean hannity's mean.
Every day!
329
00:22:28,008 --> 00:22:30,021
He's looking you in the camera,
he's telling you it's the end of
330
00:22:30,022 --> 00:22:33,003
the world.
Listen to me
331
00:22:33,004 --> 00:22:37,007
and every time I see Anderson
Cooper, he's with Andy Cohen on
332
00:22:37,008 --> 00:22:41,005
new year's Eve, blowing a kazoo.
[ Laughter ]
333
00:22:41,006 --> 00:22:42,999
Drinking Rose.
It's like of course they believe
334
00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:48,021
Sean
you know, Walter cronkite was
335
00:22:48,022 --> 00:22:50,013
like the most respected man in
news
336
00:22:50,014 --> 00:22:51,014
you know why
'cause we never saw him in
337
00:22:51,015 --> 00:22:53,012
shorts
[ Laughter ]
338
00:22:53,013 --> 00:22:57,020
Okay
but we've got to take this
339
00:22:57,021 --> 00:22:59,021
serious, man
we've got to take the whole
340
00:22:59,022 --> 00:23:02,003
government serious
we've got to take the --
341
00:23:02,004 --> 00:23:06,007
everything going on right now,
we can lick this
342
00:23:06,008 --> 00:23:08,002
okay
we can beat this if we all work
343
00:23:08,003 --> 00:23:12,011
together
you know, James Baldwin said,
344
00:23:12,012 --> 00:23:18,005
not everything that is faced can
be changed but nothing can be
345
00:23:18,006 --> 00:23:22,019
changed until it's faced
okay
346
00:23:22,020 --> 00:23:23,012
[ cheers and applause
all right?
347
00:23:23,013 --> 00:23:25,015
We've got a great show for you
tonight.
348
00:23:25,016 --> 00:23:27,009
Megan thee stallion is here.
So stick around!
349
00:23:27,010 --> 00:23:39,001
And we'll be right back.
[ Cheers and applause
350
00:23:39,002 --> 00:23:42,017
action 9 news at 5:00.
Our top story, a potential
351
00:23:42,018 --> 00:23:43,019
super spreading event has
occurred at the Pittsburgh
352
00:23:43,020 --> 00:23:45,000
federal building
with more on this we go to
353
00:23:45,001 --> 00:23:52,999
Dylan Bertram at the scene
Dylan, it seems like this story
354
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:58,026
is going really -- viral some?
Uh, that's in poor taste,
355
00:23:58,027 --> 00:24:01,006
Ashley, and I apologize on your
behalf
356
00:24:01,007 --> 00:24:07,025
here's what we know so far
health officials are attempting
357
00:24:07,026 --> 00:24:10,010
to contact anyone who visited
the third floor of the federal
358
00:24:10,011 --> 00:24:13,022
building today, home to the
legal change of name office,
359
00:24:13,023 --> 00:24:18,023
after an employee tested
positive for COVID-19.
360
00:24:18,024 --> 00:24:20,027
I'm joined by two women who were
on the way up to the third floor
361
00:24:20,028 --> 00:24:23,028
to change their names when it
was evacuated.
362
00:24:23,029 --> 00:24:30,004
Tell us your names and what
happened
363
00:24:30,005 --> 00:24:34,027
Edith puthie.
I'm sorry
364
00:24:34,028 --> 00:24:39,020
I said Edith puthie
I'm flattered, ma'am, but no
365
00:24:39,021 --> 00:24:48,008
thank you.
No, Edith puthie is my name
366
00:24:48,009 --> 00:24:51,003
Irma gerd
oh my god is right.
367
00:24:51,004 --> 00:24:54,005
No, Irma gerd is my name.
Oh, I see
368
00:24:54,006 --> 00:24:57,006
I've got it now.
I'm sorry.
369
00:24:57,007 --> 00:24:59,019
Miss puthie, just curious.
What were you planning on
370
00:24:59,020 --> 00:25:06,005
changing your name to?
Well, I was thinking of any
371
00:25:06,006 --> 00:25:12,010
name that's not Edith puthie
Dylan, I hate to pull you way
372
00:25:12,011 --> 00:25:15,016
from miss put hichlt e just as
you were getting into it but I'm
373
00:25:15,017 --> 00:25:16,024
told the health department has a
statement.
374
00:25:16,025 --> 00:25:17,028
Good afternoon.
I'm Dr. Kevin Joseph from
375
00:25:17,029 --> 00:25:18,025
Pittsburgh's contact tracing
program.
376
00:25:18,026 --> 00:25:20,002
We're still trying to locate the
following people who were in the
377
00:25:20,003 --> 00:25:34,016
name change office today
Burton Ernie
378
00:25:34,017 --> 00:25:41,015
Alma holzhert.
Ben ladden
379
00:25:41,016 --> 00:25:43,023
and deepa daddy.
Mm.
380
00:25:43,024 --> 00:25:49,021
Whatever you say, girl
sorry.
381
00:25:49,022 --> 00:25:55,022
We're also looking for
Duncan Dixon-coffey.
382
00:25:55,023 --> 00:26:02,025
Finn gurbang
and moe lestin Jr.
383
00:26:02,026 --> 00:26:07,027
[ Laughter ]
Now I'd like to address the
384
00:26:07,028 --> 00:26:12,007
rumor about Tess tichol.
A young woman who visited the
385
00:26:12,008 --> 00:26:15,012
name change office today
reports she lost her sense of
386
00:26:15,013 --> 00:26:21,019
taste and smell are false.
In fact, the Tess tichol I just
387
00:26:21,020 --> 00:26:24,012
examined smelled and tasted
great.
388
00:26:24,013 --> 00:26:28,015
It did?
Good for you, man
389
00:26:28,016 --> 00:26:29,010
I'm sorry.
Thank you
390
00:26:29,011 --> 00:26:33,011
all right
we'll keep our eyes peeled in
391
00:26:33,012 --> 00:26:37,012
case Tess tichol pops out.
No word on when the office will
392
00:26:37,013 --> 00:26:40,009
reopen, leaving many who wanted
to change their name frustrated.
393
00:26:40,010 --> 00:26:49,007
Like this man, Mr. Mike rodick
oh, it's, uh, rodick.
394
00:26:49,008 --> 00:26:50,014
You stress the ro.
Rodick
395
00:26:50,015 --> 00:26:51,018
sorry to be annoying, but it
makes a difference
396
00:26:51,019 --> 00:26:54,019
not a problem
Mike rodick was one of a -
397
00:26:54,020 --> 00:26:56,022
sorry
I'm the worst, but the longer
398
00:26:56,023 --> 00:26:57,026
you pause between Mike and
rodick the better it is for me
399
00:26:57,027 --> 00:26:59,028
nothing crazy.
Just like Mike, little pause,
400
00:26:59,029 --> 00:27:04,004
rodick
okay.
401
00:27:04,005 --> 00:27:06,015
Maybe it's easier if I just call
you by what your name will be?
402
00:27:06,016 --> 00:27:08,001
Sure.
I'm going with my mom's maiden
403
00:27:08,002 --> 00:27:12,006
name, litt
l-i-t-t.
404
00:27:12,007 --> 00:27:15,021
Okay.
Great.
405
00:27:15,022 --> 00:27:21,999
I'm here with Mike litt.
Sorry, Dylan.
406
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:23,000
The department of health has an
update
407
00:27:23,001 --> 00:27:24,004
hopefully you can find Mike litt
later and finish what you
408
00:27:24,005 --> 00:27:27,027
started there.
But, now let's go to Dr. Joseph.
409
00:27:27,028 --> 00:27:32,016
I'd like to thank this man
who was turned away from the
410
00:27:32,017 --> 00:27:34,005
name change office but stuck
around to help us contact trace.
411
00:27:34,006 --> 00:27:39,017
Mr. Jeffrey Epstein.
Jeffrey b. Epstein.
412
00:27:39,018 --> 00:27:43,015
In my book, Jeffrey Epstein
is a hero.
413
00:27:43,016 --> 00:27:46,003
You forgot that "b" again
very important "b.
414
00:27:46,004 --> 00:27:52,008
I'm proud to call
Jeffrey Epstein a friend
415
00:27:52,009 --> 00:27:54,008
you -- you're going to wish
you didn't say that.
416
00:27:54,009 --> 00:27:57,015
Thank you
all right
417
00:27:57,016 --> 00:27:59,025
well, I think we can all applaud
what Jeffrey Epstein did
418
00:27:59,026 --> 00:28:03,010
Ashley
Dylan, we've got a little
419
00:28:03,011 --> 00:28:06,004
more time.
Any chance of getting back to
420
00:28:06,005 --> 00:28:08,008
Mike litt?
Uh, you know, he was right
421
00:28:08,009 --> 00:28:12,017
under my nose, but I lost him.
[ Laughter ]
422
00:28:12,018 --> 00:28:16,010
Well, you stay down there and
keep poking around
423
00:28:16,011 --> 00:28:19,027
I will, but no promises
it's a real mess down here
424
00:28:19,028 --> 00:28:20,017
[ laughter ]
I bet
425
00:28:20,018 --> 00:28:24,017
more on this story as it
develops
426
00:28:24,018 --> 00:28:30,002
for action 9 news I'm
Ashley spitzer-swallows.
427
00:28:30,003 --> 00:28:34,012
[ Cheers and applause
428
00:28:36,023 --> 00:28:46,024
♪
♪ hello hello hello hello
429
00:28:46,025 --> 00:28:48,024
got your mask on
I can get lost
430
00:28:48,025 --> 00:28:52,018
in your eyes all day ♪
♪ face time all night
431
00:28:52,019 --> 00:28:54,015
go to slee
just tal
432
00:28:54,016 --> 00:28:58,012
about everything ♪
♪ spend a month
433
00:28:58,013 --> 00:29:00,024
a week and three day
and I want you in so man
434
00:29:00,025 --> 00:29:02,005
ways but there's ♪
♪ one thing getting
435
00:29:02,006 --> 00:29:03,021
in the way
I still ain'
436
00:29:03,022 --> 00:29:06,003
seen the bottom ♪
♪ of your fac
437
00:29:06,004 --> 00:29:09,003
what's up with
the bottom of your fac
438
00:29:09,004 --> 00:29:11,028
bottom of your face ♪
♪ what it look like
439
00:29:11,029 --> 00:29:16,999
♪ what's up wit
the bottom of your fac
440
00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:17,024
let me see it baby
bottom of your fac
441
00:29:17,025 --> 00:29:20,026
what's up with ♪
♪ million dollar smil
442
00:29:20,027 --> 00:29:22,019
lower chin like leno
it's strange
443
00:29:22,020 --> 00:29:23,027
you're by yourself looking ♪
♪ like bane
444
00:29:23,028 --> 00:29:25,005
ain't seen
your whole fac
445
00:29:25,006 --> 00:29:27,005
but I know your ♪
♪ dog's nam
446
00:29:27,006 --> 00:29:29,006
it's sic
how your mas
447
00:29:29,007 --> 00:29:31,014
matches your fit ♪
♪ but do you got your
448
00:29:31,015 --> 00:29:32,011
teeny tiny lip
won't sham
449
00:29:32,012 --> 00:29:33,014
what you look like ♪
♪ baby let's go
450
00:29:33,015 --> 00:29:36,003
drop that mask
to the -
451
00:29:36,004 --> 00:29:40,019
floor ♪
♪ what's up with the bottom of
452
00:29:40,020 --> 00:29:43,010
your face ♪
♪ show the bottom baby
453
00:29:43,011 --> 00:29:53,019
♪ what's up with the bottom of
your face ♪
454
00:29:53,020 --> 00:29:56,005
♪ what's up with that
♪ boy shut up yeah yeah
455
00:29:56,006 --> 00:29:57,001
we've been talking
for a minute
456
00:29:57,002 --> 00:29:57,029
but this dude ♪
♪ want me maskles
457
00:29:57,030 --> 00:29:59,001
in a pandemi
he don't car
458
00:29:59,002 --> 00:30:01,026
about your health ♪
♪ he just wants to see yo
459
00:30:01,027 --> 00:30:02,019
topless pulling up
to his cri
460
00:30:02,020 --> 00:30:03,025
swallowing his chocolate ♪
♪ you want to see
461
00:30:03,026 --> 00:30:05,022
the bottom of my fac
take your hat of
462
00:30:05,023 --> 00:30:11,014
show me how that head ♪
♪ is shaped
463
00:30:11,015 --> 00:30:14,021
I bet money that that hairline
crooked take the beard off and
464
00:30:14,022 --> 00:30:18,019
show me how the jaw looking ♪
♪ okay y'all took
465
00:30:18,020 --> 00:30:19,012
this the way I ain't
mean ♪
466
00:30:19,013 --> 00:30:20,012
♪ next he gonna
say we shouldn't
467
00:30:20,013 --> 00:30:21,008
get vaccin
you probably think ♪
468
00:30:21,009 --> 00:30:22,009
♪ we also can't vot
your body is your choice
469
00:30:22,010 --> 00:30:23,027
your mind is
your thoughts ♪
470
00:30:23,028 --> 00:30:26,005
♪ your Booty is your voic
boy stop
471
00:30:26,006 --> 00:30:28,028
ya'll wanna hot girl
or not ♪
472
00:30:28,029 --> 00:30:31,002
♪ they trying t
catch corona for the wap
473
00:30:31,003 --> 00:30:32,025
they got the right one
we can tease them all day ♪
474
00:30:32,026 --> 00:30:35,026
♪ but let's give them
what they want
475
00:30:35,027 --> 00:30:40,003
bottom of your fac
they about to show it to u
476
00:30:40,004 --> 00:30:41,000
bottom of your face ♪
♪ what's up wit
477
00:30:41,001 --> 00:30:44,023
the bottom of your fac
I can almost see I
478
00:30:44,024 --> 00:30:54,019
I don't think you understand ♪
oh, she made me say it.
479
00:30:54,020 --> 00:30:57,005
But you don't know what the hell
she look like.
480
00:30:57,006 --> 00:31:00,006
There could be a whole ecosystem
living under that thing.
481
00:31:00,007 --> 00:31:02,021
♪ She also may have
only one big tooth
482
00:31:02,022 --> 00:31:06,015
sneaky -
hiding her giuliani teeth ♪
483
00:31:06,016 --> 00:31:07,024
♪ life's a roller coaster
♪ before you go
484
00:31:07,025 --> 00:31:08,018
back to that place
you've got to se
485
00:31:08,019 --> 00:31:11,007
the bottom of their face ♪
♪ bottom of their fac
486
00:31:11,008 --> 00:31:14,019
whoo
hello ♪
487
00:31:14,020 --> 00:31:18,006
[ Cheers and applause
488
00:31:22,009 --> 00:31:26,002
♪
Tony hawk, you've done it
489
00:31:26,003 --> 00:31:28,025
again.
"Pro skater 2" far surpasses the
490
00:31:28,026 --> 00:31:33,014
original
Brad, dinner's almost ready
491
00:31:33,015 --> 00:31:35,011
this is your ten-minute warning.
I heard you the first time,
492
00:31:35,012 --> 00:31:37,003
Rachel
please call me "mom."
493
00:31:37,004 --> 00:31:42,025
Hey, whatever
no wonder dad left to become a
494
00:31:42,026 --> 00:31:45,010
priest
now if I could just grind this
495
00:31:45,011 --> 00:31:53,015
lunch table like a p-i-m-p
♪
496
00:31:53,016 --> 00:31:58,009
Hello, Zach
hey, what's up?
497
00:31:58,010 --> 00:32:03,013
Whoa, are you like a ghost
yeah, I'm like a ghost.
498
00:32:03,014 --> 00:32:04,025
But specifically a ghost from
the future
499
00:32:04,026 --> 00:32:05,023
and I have something important
to show you.
500
00:32:05,024 --> 00:32:06,999
Okay.
Just one sec
501
00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,000
I'll be right with you
seriously, can you pause it
502
00:32:09,001 --> 00:32:10,011
go ahead, dude, I'm
listening.
503
00:32:10,012 --> 00:32:16,002
Frick, I almost landed that
combo.
504
00:32:16,003 --> 00:32:18,000
I was going to show you what
your future was like
505
00:32:18,001 --> 00:32:20,012
but if you just want to play
your little skateboard game,
506
00:32:20,013 --> 00:32:23,006
that's fine.
Wait, see my future
507
00:32:23,007 --> 00:32:28,002
yeah, I'll pause my game for
that frickin' crap
508
00:32:28,003 --> 00:32:29,006
hey, hopefully I live at the
playboy mansion.
509
00:32:29,007 --> 00:32:31,014
You don't
okay.
510
00:32:31,015 --> 00:32:34,999
Well, then hopefully I'm married
to Eliza dushku and the mom from
511
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:38,000
"spy kids.
Well, you might want to lower
512
00:32:38,001 --> 00:32:41,012
those expectations
here
513
00:32:41,013 --> 00:32:44,009
take a look.
♪
514
00:32:44,010 --> 00:32:45,024
Whoa.
Hey.
515
00:32:45,025 --> 00:32:52,004
Is that me
this is you in 2020
516
00:32:52,005 --> 00:32:54,028
okay
a global pandemic sends your
517
00:32:54,029 --> 00:32:59,025
life into a tailspin
you lose your job and you have
518
00:32:59,026 --> 00:33:01,014
to move back in with your mom.
And this is all you ever do.
519
00:33:01,015 --> 00:33:03,014
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
520
00:33:03,015 --> 00:33:08,007
I know
right?
521
00:33:08,008 --> 00:33:12,008
I can't believe it.
Those graphics
522
00:33:12,009 --> 00:33:13,016
are fricking insane!
Holy frig!
523
00:33:13,017 --> 00:33:18,004
They look like real!
Frig
524
00:33:18,005 --> 00:33:19,025
no, no, no.
Forget about the graphics.
525
00:33:19,026 --> 00:33:20,018
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah
526
00:33:20,019 --> 00:33:26,012
I'll just forget about the most
amazing thing I've ever seen
527
00:33:26,013 --> 00:33:27,016
seriously, are you blind
did you look at the clips while
528
00:33:27,017 --> 00:33:30,999
playing with yourself?
It looks like real
529
00:33:31,000 --> 00:33:33,020
and what the frig kind of
console is that?
530
00:33:33,021 --> 00:33:36,001
A PlayStation 2?
Ps2
531
00:33:36,002 --> 00:33:37,007
no
that's an old ps4.
532
00:33:37,008 --> 00:33:40,014
4
oh, god.
533
00:33:40,015 --> 00:33:42,010
I think I just nutted for the
first time in my life.
534
00:33:42,011 --> 00:33:44,016
[ Laughter ]
You didn't.
535
00:33:44,017 --> 00:33:47,003
Okay.
And is that a wireless
536
00:33:47,004 --> 00:33:51,009
controller
can I have 2020 now, please?
537
00:33:51,010 --> 00:33:54,001
Can you please just stop
fixating on the game and take
538
00:33:54,002 --> 00:33:57,018
this seriously
yeah, yeah.
539
00:33:57,019 --> 00:33:59,007
I'll take this seriously
right after I do this.
540
00:33:59,008 --> 00:34:03,004
♪
♪ those graphic
541
00:34:03,005 --> 00:34:05,027
I just saw the mos
awesome graphics
542
00:34:05,028 --> 00:34:09,012
and suddenly this game ♪
♪ will never be the Sam
543
00:34:09,013 --> 00:34:13,013
those graphics ♪
stop with the song parodies,
544
00:34:13,014 --> 00:34:15,006
you goofy ass.
Hey, man.
545
00:34:15,007 --> 00:34:17,025
You don't understand?
In 20 years the world as you
546
00:34:17,026 --> 00:34:20,003
know it is going to change
forever.
547
00:34:20,004 --> 00:34:23,023
Look
hey
548
00:34:23,024 --> 00:34:25,008
that's my mom.
Oh, wow.
549
00:34:25,009 --> 00:34:28,027
And she's a dentist now.
[ Laughter ]
550
00:34:28,028 --> 00:34:32,024
Zach, everything okay
nah
551
00:34:32,025 --> 00:34:35,003
this Wi-Fi sucks ass
why don't you start an onlyfans
552
00:34:35,004 --> 00:34:40,023
so we can afford a second
router
553
00:34:40,024 --> 00:34:45,000
hey, hey, hey
that is no way to talk to your
554
00:34:45,001 --> 00:34:48,003
mother
this is my wife, damn it
555
00:34:48,004 --> 00:34:49,023
hold up
my mom married kenan Thompson?
556
00:34:49,024 --> 00:34:54,024
[ Laughter ]
What
557
00:34:54,025 --> 00:34:57,005
"my mom married
kenan Thompson."
558
00:34:57,006 --> 00:35:00,007
Coming to peacock this fall.
559
00:35:01,016 --> 00:35:02,028
There's a new face in
daytime.
560
00:35:02,029 --> 00:35:08,018
Hello to all my beautiful
wild flowers
561
00:35:08,019 --> 00:35:11,026
after seeing what went down
with Ellen, we took a hard turn
562
00:35:11,027 --> 00:35:17,016
in the other direction
I am just like you.
563
00:35:17,017 --> 00:35:21,028
A boho free spirit mommy mother
movie star since I was 6
564
00:35:21,029 --> 00:35:23,005
it's "the drew Barrymore
show."
565
00:35:23,006 --> 00:35:25,025
How drew you do
tune in to see her have a
566
00:35:25,026 --> 00:35:29,007
blast by herself in a big empty
studio
567
00:35:29,008 --> 00:35:32,007
totally motally otally.
Watch as she connects to her
568
00:35:32,008 --> 00:35:37,021
zoom audience.
Thank you for being my vffs,
569
00:35:37,022 --> 00:35:40,019
virtual friends forever.
Drew gives back to worthy
570
00:35:40,020 --> 00:35:42,999
families in the best way she
can.
571
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:46,014
How are you holding up?
You know it's been tough.
572
00:35:46,015 --> 00:35:51,004
My husband and I are working
from home and we have almost
573
00:35:51,005 --> 00:35:56,016
$50,000 in hospital bills.
I feel that, Linda.
574
00:35:56,017 --> 00:36:02,017
And that's why we're paying to
renovate your walk-in closet
575
00:36:02,018 --> 00:36:05,013
and don't worry about her
being mean to the crew
576
00:36:05,014 --> 00:36:06,014
thank you
they say she maintains eye
577
00:36:06,015 --> 00:36:08,025
contact too long and is too
emotionally supportive
578
00:36:08,026 --> 00:36:11,007
just --
I'm a hugger.
579
00:36:11,008 --> 00:36:14,012
No.
Okay.
580
00:36:14,013 --> 00:36:18,020
Thank you
be the third wheel in a
581
00:36:18,021 --> 00:36:19,026
celebrity catch-up
my best friend Reese
582
00:36:19,027 --> 00:36:23,007
Witherspoon, the best woman on
earth.
583
00:36:23,008 --> 00:36:25,000
You are literally -- I marvel at
you.
584
00:36:25,001 --> 00:36:27,008
I love you.
I want to come into your room
585
00:36:27,009 --> 00:36:29,023
and murder you with a butter
spoon.
586
00:36:29,024 --> 00:36:34,027
Get drew's take on the news
hot off the press, brushing
587
00:36:34,028 --> 00:36:40,003
your teeth is a game changer
and stay tuned for a
588
00:36:40,004 --> 00:36:43,024
harrowing catch-up between drew
and her ex-husband Tom green
589
00:36:43,025 --> 00:36:50,026
it's been what, 15 years?
Yeah.
590
00:36:50,027 --> 00:36:54,015
Would you like some sausage?
You want guests
591
00:36:54,016 --> 00:36:57,000
drew texts everyone in her phone
and interviews whoever shows up.
592
00:36:57,001 --> 00:36:59,013
Like Nicole Kidman
thank you for allowing me to
593
00:36:59,014 --> 00:37:03,017
be on your show.
Drew, this is your show
594
00:37:03,018 --> 00:37:07,014
oh, my god.
Thank you.
595
00:37:07,015 --> 00:37:13,003
At least someone's enjoying
2020
596
00:37:13,004 --> 00:37:16,001
and now sensational
homosexual Billy Porter singing
597
00:37:16,002 --> 00:37:22,007
to a flower.
♪ edelweiss
598
00:37:22,008 --> 00:37:27,026
♪ oh
♪ ay, ay, ay, ay
599
00:37:27,027 --> 00:37:28,023
is this happening
or am I kind of high
600
00:37:28,024 --> 00:37:29,028
"the drew Barrymore show.
You're in your bed anyway.
601
00:37:29,029 --> 00:37:33,012
Just watch it.
602
00:37:39,006 --> 00:37:42,025
Ladies and gentlemen, Megan
thee stallion.
603
00:37:42,026 --> 00:37:46,021
[ Cheers and applause
604
00:37:47,023 --> 00:37:53,013
♪
♪ I'm a savag
605
00:37:53,014 --> 00:37:55,002
attitude nasty
talk big big but
606
00:37:55,003 --> 00:37:57,021
my bank account match it ♪
♪ hood, but I'm class
607
00:37:57,022 --> 00:38:01,009
rich, but I'm ratchet ♪
♪ haters kept my name
608
00:38:01,010 --> 00:38:03,003
in they mout
now they gaggin ♪
609
00:38:03,004 --> 00:38:05,003
♪ bougie, he sa
the way that thang mov
610
00:38:05,004 --> 00:38:06,022
it's a movie ♪
♪ I told that boy
611
00:38:06,023 --> 00:38:09,007
we gotta keep it low
leave me the room key ♪
612
00:38:09,008 --> 00:38:11,019
♪ I done bled the block
and now it's hot, ho
613
00:38:11,020 --> 00:38:15,000
I'm tunech
a mood and I'm moody, ah ♪
614
00:38:15,001 --> 00:38:18,012
♪ I'm a savage yeah
classy, bougie, ratche
615
00:38:18,013 --> 00:38:21,023
yeah, okay ♪
♪ sassy, moody, nasty
616
00:38:21,024 --> 00:38:22,025
yeah, hey, hey
acting stupi
617
00:38:22,026 --> 00:38:24,002
what's happening ♪
♪ woah, woah, woa
618
00:38:24,003 --> 00:38:25,025
what's happening
what's happening? ♪
619
00:38:25,026 --> 00:38:31,000
♪ I'm a savag
yeah, okay
620
00:38:31,001 --> 00:38:32,004
classy, bougie, ratche
yeah ♪
621
00:38:32,005 --> 00:38:35,001
♪ sassy, moody, nasty
hu
622
00:38:35,002 --> 00:38:37,028
acting stupi
what's happening? ♪
623
00:38:37,029 --> 00:38:38,025
♪ What's happening?
Ayy, ah ♪
624
00:38:38,026 --> 00:38:40,014
♪ like Beyonce, like me
he want
625
00:38:40,015 --> 00:38:41,999
like the stallio
with the knees ♪
626
00:38:42,000 --> 00:38:46,018
♪ he be lik
damn, how that thang movin
627
00:38:46,019 --> 00:38:48,010
in them jeans?
Yeah, yeah, them jeans ♪
628
00:38:48,011 --> 00:38:49,015
♪ ayy, even d4l couldn'
do it like me, like me ♪
629
00:38:49,016 --> 00:38:51,011
♪ I need a mop to
clean the floo
630
00:38:51,012 --> 00:38:52,019
it's too much drip, ooh ♪
♪ I keep a knot
631
00:38:52,020 --> 00:38:54,027
I keep a watch
I keep a whip, ooh ♪
632
00:38:54,028 --> 00:38:57,028
♪ let's play a game
Simon says
633
00:38:57,029 --> 00:39:02,026
I'm still that, ay ♪
♪ I'm a savag
634
00:39:02,027 --> 00:39:07,012
classy, bougie, ratche
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
635
00:39:07,013 --> 00:39:10,001
♪ acting stupid
what's happening
636
00:39:10,002 --> 00:39:13,001
what's happening ♪
♪ hips tiktok
637
00:39:13,002 --> 00:39:15,024
when I dance
on that demon time
638
00:39:15,025 --> 00:39:18,010
she might start a onlyfans ♪
♪ big b and tha
639
00:39:18,011 --> 00:39:21,007
b stand for band
if you wanna see some real
640
00:39:21,008 --> 00:39:26,023
baby, here's your chance ♪
♪ I say, left cheek
641
00:39:26,024 --> 00:39:27,027
right cheek, drop it low
then swang, swang ♪
642
00:39:27,028 --> 00:39:29,024
♪ Texas up in this than
put you up on this game, gam
643
00:39:29,025 --> 00:39:30,026
Ivy park on my frame, fram
gang, gang, gang, gang ♪
644
00:39:30,027 --> 00:39:31,026
♪ if you don't jump
to put jeans o
645
00:39:31,027 --> 00:39:33,018
baby, you don't feel
my pain hol' up ♪
646
00:39:33,019 --> 00:39:39,004
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
647
00:39:39,005 --> 00:39:45,028
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
648
00:39:45,029 --> 00:39:46,029
what's happening
what's happening ♪
649
00:39:46,030 --> 00:39:49,018
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
650
00:39:49,019 --> 00:39:52,007
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
651
00:39:52,008 --> 00:40:10,015
what's happening
what's happening ♪
652
00:40:10,016 --> 00:40:12,015
The most disrespected,
unprotected, neglected person in
653
00:40:12,016 --> 00:40:14,023
America is the black woman
who taught you to hate the
654
00:40:14,024 --> 00:40:19,013
texture of your hair, the color
of your skin, the shape of your
655
00:40:19,014 --> 00:40:22,006
nose
who taught you to hate from the
656
00:40:22,007 --> 00:40:25,003
top of your head to the soles of
your feet?
657
00:40:25,004 --> 00:40:28,011
Daniel Cameron is no
different than the sellout
658
00:40:28,012 --> 00:40:34,011
negros that sold our people into
slavery.
659
00:40:34,012 --> 00:40:42,007
We need to protect our black
women and love our black women
660
00:40:42,008 --> 00:40:45,999
because at the end of the day we
need our black women
661
00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:49,028
we need to protect our black men
and stand up for our black men
662
00:40:49,029 --> 00:40:59,023
because at the end of the day we
need our black men
663
00:40:59,024 --> 00:41:00,019
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
664
00:41:00,020 --> 00:41:01,023
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
665
00:41:01,024 --> 00:41:04,016
what's happening
what's happening ♪
666
00:41:04,017 --> 00:41:09,026
♪ I'm a savag
classy, bougie, ratche
667
00:41:09,027 --> 00:41:13,012
sassy, moody, nasty ♪
♪ acting stupid
668
00:41:13,013 --> 00:41:23,006
what's happening
what's happening ♪
669
00:41:23,007 --> 00:41:29,009
♪
670
00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:43,025
[ Cheers and applause
671
00:41:46,026 --> 00:41:50,027
update" with Colin jost and
Michael che.
672
00:41:50,028 --> 00:42:01,015
[ Cheers and applause
hello.
673
00:42:01,016 --> 00:42:02,022
Good evening, everyone
welcome to "weekend update.
674
00:42:02,023 --> 00:42:07,022
I'm Michael che.
I'm Colin jost.
675
00:42:07,023 --> 00:42:09,027
Well, say what you will about
2020, but it's got moves
676
00:42:09,028 --> 00:42:15,001
[ laughter ]
This news was a lot for us to
677
00:42:15,002 --> 00:42:16,012
process a day before we came
back on the air after four
678
00:42:16,013 --> 00:42:21,007
months off
and it all happened so fast,
679
00:42:21,008 --> 00:42:22,999
I woke up yesterday and heard
the president had mild symptoms.
680
00:42:23,000 --> 00:42:25,022
Then four hours later, he was
getting medevaced to a hospital
681
00:42:25,023 --> 00:42:27,023
in what looked like the last
chopper out of Vietnam
682
00:42:27,024 --> 00:42:32,005
[ laughter ]
I have to say, it's a bad sign
683
00:42:32,006 --> 00:42:35,020
for America that when Trump said
he tested positive for a virus
684
00:42:35,021 --> 00:42:36,013
60% of people were like, prove
it
685
00:42:36,014 --> 00:42:42,005
[ laughter ]
It's been very weird to see all
686
00:42:42,006 --> 00:42:44,026
these people who clearly hate
Trump come out and say we wish
687
00:42:44,027 --> 00:42:46,012
him well
I think a lot of them are just
688
00:42:46,013 --> 00:42:47,020
guilty that their first wish
came true.
689
00:42:47,021 --> 00:42:53,028
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, well, you know,
690
00:42:53,029 --> 00:42:56,022
politics aside, this is awful
news for us because Trump was
691
00:42:56,023 --> 00:42:59,006
actually supposed to host "SNL"
next week.
692
00:42:59,007 --> 00:43:04,028
[ Laughter ]
Okay, serious voice.
693
00:43:04,029 --> 00:43:06,999
While in the hospital the
president isn't allowed to see
694
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:10,025
any guests, but he is expected
to be visited by three ghosts.
695
00:43:10,026 --> 00:43:14,023
[ Laughter ]
Probably one from the past, one
696
00:43:14,024 --> 00:43:17,007
from his -- okay, look, this is
weird.
697
00:43:17,008 --> 00:43:21,016
Because a lot of people on both
sides are saying there's nothing
698
00:43:21,017 --> 00:43:25,028
funny about Trump being
hospitalized with coronavirus.
699
00:43:25,029 --> 00:43:30,007
Even though he mocked the safety
precautions for the coronavirus.
700
00:43:30,008 --> 00:43:33,005
And those people are obviously
wrong.
701
00:43:33,006 --> 00:43:36,000
There's a lot funny about this
maybe not from a moral
702
00:43:36,001 --> 00:43:39,005
standpoint
but mathematically, if you were
703
00:43:39,006 --> 00:43:43,025
constructing a joke, this has
all the ingredients you need
704
00:43:43,026 --> 00:43:44,026
[ laughter ]
The problem is it's almost too
705
00:43:44,027 --> 00:43:47,005
funny.
Like it's so on the nose
706
00:43:47,006 --> 00:43:50,002
it would be like if I were
making fun of people who wear
707
00:43:50,003 --> 00:43:52,017
belts and then my pants
just immediately fell down
708
00:43:52,018 --> 00:44:01,012
[ laughter ]
A new poll shows that 75% of
709
00:44:01,013 --> 00:44:06,010
lgbtq voters support Joe biden
but 0% of them support Joe biden
710
00:44:06,011 --> 00:44:12,010
guessing what the b, t, and q
stand for.
711
00:44:12,011 --> 00:44:13,017
[ Laughter ]
I have to say you know who's got
712
00:44:13,018 --> 00:44:16,024
my support for president
NBA commissioner Adam silver
713
00:44:16,025 --> 00:44:18,999
he somehow built a bubble that
is better than anything our
714
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:24,015
government could come up with.
Instead of stopping the bubble
715
00:44:24,016 --> 00:44:26,000
when the season ends, why don't
they just slowly expand it until
716
00:44:26,001 --> 00:44:29,015
it covers the whole country?
[ Laughter ]
717
00:44:29,016 --> 00:44:34,009
Just saying.
By the way, is anyone
718
00:44:34,010 --> 00:44:35,026
surprised by this?
I honestly thought Trump was
719
00:44:35,027 --> 00:44:39,006
trying to get coronavirus.
I thought it was like "groundhog
720
00:44:39,007 --> 00:44:42,005
day" when bill Murray just knew
he couldn't die.
721
00:44:42,006 --> 00:44:47,013
And he was just trying anything.
So all those maskless rallies
722
00:44:47,014 --> 00:44:48,012
Trump was having, that was him
being safe
723
00:44:48,013 --> 00:44:51,012
look, I don't want the president
to die, obviously.
724
00:44:51,013 --> 00:44:53,007
Actually, I wish him a very
lengthy recovery
725
00:44:53,008 --> 00:44:59,999
[ laughter ]
[ Applause ]
726
00:45:00,000 --> 00:45:01,028
I will say that despite
everything President Trump
727
00:45:01,029 --> 00:45:03,013
actually seems to be in good
spirits.
728
00:45:03,014 --> 00:45:07,015
He tweeted a message that ended
with "love" and three
729
00:45:07,016 --> 00:45:08,021
exclamation points
uh-oh
730
00:45:08,022 --> 00:45:10,021
so it sounds like they're
cutting his hydroxychloroquine
731
00:45:10,022 --> 00:45:18,002
with a little bit of Molly
[ Laughter ]
732
00:45:18,003 --> 00:45:20,023
And then this is good.
Just hours ago Trump released a
733
00:45:20,024 --> 00:45:23,008
video from the hospital saying
he's in better health, which is
734
00:45:23,009 --> 00:45:26,018
great news, though I will point
out that if the situation were
735
00:45:26,019 --> 00:45:31,001
reversed and it was biden who
got sick Trump would 100% be at
736
00:45:31,002 --> 00:45:34,010
a maskless rally tonight getting
huge laughs doing an impression
737
00:45:34,011 --> 00:45:39,011
of biden on a ventilator
just saying.
738
00:45:39,012 --> 00:45:43,002
Just saying.
This week a judge blocked
739
00:45:43,003 --> 00:45:46,013
America's ban on the
Chinese-owned app tiktok, which
740
00:45:46,014 --> 00:45:48,001
the White House claims is a
threat to national security.
741
00:45:48,002 --> 00:45:54,000
And here to comment is Chinese
trade minister chin bao.
742
00:45:54,001 --> 00:45:59,000
Mm!
What's popping, Michael che?
743
00:45:59,001 --> 00:46:02,005
Tray daddy drop the addy
it's good to see you, chin.
744
00:46:02,006 --> 00:46:05,008
You're the one overseeing this
tiktok deal?
745
00:46:05,009 --> 00:46:07,012
No one else could do it but
me
746
00:46:07,013 --> 00:46:11,024
'cause I'm a savage.
Classy, loyal, loyal supplicant
747
00:46:11,025 --> 00:46:13,017
to the communist party
[ Laughter ]
748
00:46:13,018 --> 00:46:18,010
Well, speaking of that,
there's concern the government
749
00:46:18,011 --> 00:46:22,014
of China could be stealing our
data, our user data with this
750
00:46:22,015 --> 00:46:24,003
tiktok app
what do you think of that?
751
00:46:24,004 --> 00:46:27,004
Okay, you're worried we're
stealing your identity
752
00:46:27,005 --> 00:46:31,007
honey, your phone unlocks with
your face.
753
00:46:31,008 --> 00:46:32,023
Plus America steals Chinese
stuff every day.
754
00:46:32,024 --> 00:46:34,020
Banning parts of the Internet,
arresting protesters
755
00:46:34,021 --> 00:46:39,015
fireworks?
It's the hypocrisy for me, che
756
00:46:39,016 --> 00:46:42,005
[ laughter ]
So you're not collecting our
757
00:46:42,006 --> 00:46:45,003
user data?
I mean, sure, we have it.
758
00:46:45,004 --> 00:46:48,000
But none of it is even that
juicy.
759
00:46:48,001 --> 00:46:53,015
Like oh, you googled cousin Greg
shirtless 20 times last month?
760
00:46:53,016 --> 00:46:56,027
You're not quirky.
You're just horny, Savannah.
761
00:46:56,028 --> 00:46:59,010
[ Laughter ]
Who is Savannah
762
00:46:59,011 --> 00:47:02,014
oh, just some girl who said
"she's doing the work on racism"
763
00:47:02,015 --> 00:47:08,014
from her family's house in
nantucket.
764
00:47:08,015 --> 00:47:11,025
Boat shoe-wearing bitch.
[ Laughter ]
765
00:47:11,026 --> 00:47:14,011
Well, the deal requires that
tiktok be partially owned by an
766
00:47:14,012 --> 00:47:16,000
American company, which is most
likely going to be Walmart
767
00:47:16,001 --> 00:47:18,019
oh, Walmart
brick and mortar
768
00:47:18,020 --> 00:47:22,016
cool
how long did that brainstorm
769
00:47:22,017 --> 00:47:27,020
last
look, if you said name an
770
00:47:27,021 --> 00:47:30,020
American company and I said
Walmart, that would make me
771
00:47:30,021 --> 00:47:33,013
racist
[ Laughter ]
772
00:47:33,014 --> 00:47:38,014
But I guess cracker barrel
didn't want to play ball
773
00:47:38,015 --> 00:47:40,006
all right
so you seem pretty annoyed
774
00:47:40,007 --> 00:47:43,016
I mean, yeah, I'm salty, che.
This has been a really hard time
775
00:47:43,017 --> 00:47:44,027
for China.
Because of the virus?
776
00:47:44,028 --> 00:47:49,008
No, because live action
"mulan" was just okay.
777
00:47:49,009 --> 00:47:55,024
No songs, no mushu, no thank
$30 from me Disney plus.
778
00:47:55,025 --> 00:47:56,028
But does all this make you
worry about the future of
779
00:47:56,029 --> 00:47:59,999
tiktok
oh no, babe, you cannot stop
780
00:48:00,000 --> 00:48:02,023
tiktok
we took videos and we made them
781
00:48:02,024 --> 00:48:05,001
shorter.
We took babies and we made them
782
00:48:05,002 --> 00:48:06,020
cuter.
We took lip-syncs and we made
783
00:48:06,021 --> 00:48:11,012
them straight.
[ Laughter ]
784
00:48:11,013 --> 00:48:14,011
So you want to stop China and
get in the way of us
785
00:48:14,012 --> 00:48:15,026
well, I just checked my fenty
collab rolex and you're running
786
00:48:15,027 --> 00:48:20,004
out of time.
So -
787
00:48:20,005 --> 00:48:23,017
girl don't do it
it's not worth it.
788
00:48:23,018 --> 00:48:25,005
I'm not going to do it, girl
I was just thinking about it
789
00:48:25,006 --> 00:48:29,010
I'm not going to do it
tiktok!
790
00:48:29,011 --> 00:48:31,025
Chen biao, everybody.
I did it.
791
00:48:31,026 --> 00:48:36,005
I did it
I did it
792
00:48:36,006 --> 00:48:39,013
Mitch McConnell, seen here
calmly watching an injured puppy
793
00:48:39,014 --> 00:48:47,009
try to cross a busy high way,
said that the senate would move
794
00:48:47,010 --> 00:48:50,008
forward with a vote on Trump's
supreme court nominee even
795
00:48:50,009 --> 00:48:53,007
though he denied Obama's nominee
a vote in 2016
796
00:48:53,008 --> 00:48:55,018
and if that makes you angry at
Mitch McConnell, you're going to
797
00:48:55,019 --> 00:48:57,007
be really upset when you find
out your anger sexually excites
798
00:48:57,008 --> 00:49:04,025
him.
The Tennessee titans halted
799
00:49:04,026 --> 00:49:07,013
in-person workouts after three
players tested positive for the
800
00:49:07,014 --> 00:49:08,009
coronavirus.
Well, I guess we've got to
801
00:49:08,010 --> 00:49:11,006
cancel the whole season and
forget it ever happened, said
802
00:49:11,007 --> 00:49:16,999
the New York jets.
This is fun.
803
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:21,009
A Canadian woman was fined more
than $25,000 for illegally
804
00:49:21,010 --> 00:49:24,011
importing bull semen
meanwhile, in the U.S. bull
805
00:49:24,012 --> 00:49:26,009
semen is sold legally under the
name white claw.
806
00:49:26,010 --> 00:49:34,010
[ Laughter ]
A new law has been passed in
807
00:49:34,011 --> 00:49:36,020
California requiring companies
to have more diversity in their
808
00:49:36,021 --> 00:49:38,016
board of directors
which is how I forced my way
809
00:49:38,017 --> 00:49:41,028
onto the board of b.E.T.
[ Laughter ]
810
00:49:41,029 --> 00:49:44,006
B.e.t.
There's going to be some changes
811
00:49:44,007 --> 00:49:52,005
around here.
[ Laughter ]
812
00:49:52,006 --> 00:49:55,002
The CDC reported that
there's a salmonella outbreak
813
00:49:55,003 --> 00:49:58,001
involving people who have pet
bearded dragons.
814
00:49:58,002 --> 00:50:01,006
So if you have one at home,
remember to cook them all the
815
00:50:01,007 --> 00:50:03,027
way through.
[ Laughter ]
816
00:50:03,028 --> 00:50:06,024
Actor vin diesel has
released a dance music song
817
00:50:06,025 --> 00:50:10,018
called "feel like I do."
And look, I know a lot of people
818
00:50:10,019 --> 00:50:14,014
are making fun of them and
saying it's terrible and he
819
00:50:14,015 --> 00:50:20,026
should stick to acting
[ Laughter ]
820
00:50:20,027 --> 00:50:26,017
A 7-year-old -- a 7-year-old
boy in Pennsylvania set a new
821
00:50:26,018 --> 00:50:28,028
world record by bouncing on a
pogo stick over 2,000 times in a
822
00:50:28,029 --> 00:50:33,012
row.
Said the boy's parents, "open
823
00:50:33,013 --> 00:50:37,018
the schools!
[ Laughter ]
824
00:50:37,019 --> 00:50:40,004
Tourism and airplane travel
have been hit especially hard by
825
00:50:40,005 --> 00:50:42,005
the coronavirus this year.
Here to comment on the changing
826
00:50:42,006 --> 00:50:47,011
state of her industry is seventh
grade travel expert Carrie crum.
827
00:50:47,012 --> 00:50:50,010
Chrpz chrnz
[ Cheers and applause
828
00:50:50,011 --> 00:50:53,025
whoa!
I missed you, Michael.
829
00:50:53,026 --> 00:50:56,004
I missed you too.
So how was your summer
830
00:50:56,005 --> 00:50:57,023
it was awesome.
My mom bought me a chef's hat
831
00:50:57,024 --> 00:50:58,027
for when I make pizza and my
brother shot me twice with a
832
00:50:58,028 --> 00:51:01,006
paintball gun.
Well, that's pretty
833
00:51:01,007 --> 00:51:05,006
impressive
so Carrie, you must have been
834
00:51:05,007 --> 00:51:06,999
sad that you couldn't take any
of your fun trips this summer.
835
00:51:07,000 --> 00:51:12,022
Oh, Michael, being at home is
the ultimate vacation.
836
00:51:12,023 --> 00:51:16,011
You've got my room, my small
room, a small decorative box
837
00:51:16,012 --> 00:51:18,999
filled with my baby teeth, and
an irrigation ditch where all my
838
00:51:19,000 --> 00:51:24,013
pets were laid to rest
and did you know, Michael,
839
00:51:24,014 --> 00:51:28,027
church is illegal right now?
So we listen to it on the radio.
840
00:51:28,028 --> 00:51:35,013
And Michael?
Michael?
841
00:51:35,014 --> 00:51:36,020
I looked into church in a
tankini.
842
00:51:36,021 --> 00:51:38,009
[ Laughter ]
Well, that all sounds very
843
00:51:38,010 --> 00:51:41,999
fun.
So what are some tips on how
844
00:51:42,000 --> 00:51:43,023
people can enjoy a good
staycation
845
00:51:43,024 --> 00:51:46,015
oh, well, bring the beach to
you with something my family
846
00:51:46,016 --> 00:51:48,024
likes to call the hose in the
driveway
847
00:51:48,025 --> 00:51:51,010
it's like a refreshing pool
where you don't have to know how
848
00:51:51,011 --> 00:52:00,016
to swim and the water tastes
like dirt and metal.
849
00:52:00,017 --> 00:52:02,011
[ Laughter ]
Okay, Carrie.
850
00:52:02,012 --> 00:52:04,009
What about something fun for
kids going back to school
851
00:52:04,010 --> 00:52:05,018
online
you've got to make the best
852
00:52:05,019 --> 00:52:09,004
of the hard times.
I am loving computer school.
853
00:52:09,005 --> 00:52:11,000
I'm never on mute.
I'm always talking, always
854
00:52:11,001 --> 00:52:14,000
moving, and I can't stop looking
at myself.
855
00:52:14,001 --> 00:52:18,008
And I didn't think that I could
ever have a crush over zoom.
856
00:52:18,009 --> 00:52:24,025
But Jack mathers, I mean, during
social studies, I can see his
857
00:52:24,026 --> 00:52:25,012
bedroom.
[ Laughter ]
858
00:52:25,013 --> 00:52:27,026
And Michael?
Michael?
859
00:52:27,027 --> 00:52:30,008
He's got a big lizard in there
bad boy.
860
00:52:30,009 --> 00:52:33,018
[ Laughter ]
Okay.
861
00:52:33,019 --> 00:52:35,002
All right.
Well, is it hard to not hang out
862
00:52:35,003 --> 00:52:38,026
with your friends at least
well, technically, I'm never
863
00:52:38,027 --> 00:52:41,000
alone because fairies are real
and when it rains it becomes
864
00:52:41,001 --> 00:52:47,007
easier to see them
so it sounds like you
865
00:52:47,008 --> 00:52:48,003
actually sort of thrived in
quarantine
866
00:52:48,004 --> 00:52:55,000
well, yeah.
Except for -- well, my mom says
867
00:52:55,001 --> 00:52:58,001
I need to get a --
[ Mumbling ]
868
00:52:58,002 --> 00:53:01,023
A what?
A tank top with support
869
00:53:01,024 --> 00:53:04,015
it's not a bra, but it do press
down
870
00:53:04,016 --> 00:53:07,022
oh, my god.
Yeah, and then my brother
871
00:53:07,023 --> 00:53:08,018
Mitchell found it.
He put it on
872
00:53:08,019 --> 00:53:09,021
and then stuffed toilet paper in
like the holders
873
00:53:09,022 --> 00:53:12,025
and he was walking around doing
like a chichi dance.
874
00:53:12,026 --> 00:53:19,004
And I screamed so loud that my
dad thought I'd been hurt.
875
00:53:19,005 --> 00:53:24,004
Whatever, though, because I
started drinking sprite out of a
876
00:53:24,005 --> 00:53:25,027
coffee cup
I'm an adult
877
00:53:25,028 --> 00:53:29,019
Carrie krum, everybody.
For "weekend update" I'm
878
00:53:29,020 --> 00:53:30,008
Michael che.
Colin jost.
879
00:53:30,009 --> 00:53:31,007
Good night
880
00:53:50,019 --> 00:53:54,028
Live from big thunder
mountain hotel in Orlando, it's
881
00:53:54,029 --> 00:54:02,019
the nbabubble draft finals wit
your host, patrice soupsalad
882
00:54:02,020 --> 00:54:05,016
welcome, welcome, welcome
during this unique basketball
883
00:54:05,017 --> 00:54:09,013
season our players have been
completely isolated from their
884
00:54:09,014 --> 00:54:13,016
wives, their girlfriends, and
whoever else they might want to
885
00:54:13,017 --> 00:54:19,018
see.
Now that we've reached the
886
00:54:19,019 --> 00:54:21,004
finals, these lovely ladies have
one last chance to join the NBA
887
00:54:21,005 --> 00:54:23,023
bubble
this is the "NBA bubble draft.
888
00:54:23,024 --> 00:54:25,004
Brought to you by summer's
Eve, lysol wipes
889
00:54:25,005 --> 00:54:28,001
because you may have sat in
something and you don't want to
890
00:54:28,002 --> 00:54:32,021
get it that way.
Now, these women may not get
891
00:54:32,022 --> 00:54:38,022
a championship ring, but they
could get the next best thing.
892
00:54:38,023 --> 00:54:42,010
18 years of child support.
Let's pick the top draft picks
893
00:54:42,011 --> 00:54:45,028
I'm Candice, and I've got a
really impressive resume
894
00:54:45,029 --> 00:54:49,021
lil' Wayne, lil dicky, Wesley
snipes, and two years of nursing
895
00:54:49,022 --> 00:54:55,025
school
show block
896
00:54:55,026 --> 00:54:59,026
I'm queenie, a former hockey
ho in two sports
897
00:54:59,027 --> 00:55:07,002
I used to follow the canucks but
now I follow the kanicks
898
00:55:07,003 --> 00:55:10,004
I'm kitty and I'm an
essential worker here to shoot
899
00:55:10,005 --> 00:55:12,004
my shot.
So you're a COVID nurse
900
00:55:12,005 --> 00:55:16,023
sure.
Seeing a lot of promise here
901
00:55:16,024 --> 00:55:20,028
today.
It's going to be difficult to
902
00:55:20,029 --> 00:55:30,014
choose the smartest and the
prettiest and the most down, if
903
00:55:30,015 --> 00:55:33,004
you know what I mean
how'd I get this bag?
904
00:55:33,005 --> 00:55:34,012
How'd I get this ring?
Well, let's just say it's velvet
905
00:55:34,013 --> 00:55:35,009
down there
hey, is that girl laughing at
906
00:55:35,010 --> 00:55:36,022
me
sweetheart, that's a cutout
907
00:55:36,023 --> 00:55:43,006
of a face.
Well, she got a stank face
908
00:55:43,007 --> 00:55:50,019
and she flat as hell
hey, is this where the
909
00:55:50,020 --> 00:55:52,004
Seattle storm and the Las Vegas
aces are staying
910
00:55:52,005 --> 00:55:53,008
I think you're looking for
the wnba
911
00:55:53,009 --> 00:55:58,016
right you are, sir.
Love is love.
912
00:55:58,017 --> 00:56:02,000
And love is basketball
who's next
913
00:56:02,001 --> 00:56:04,024
my husband and I have been
together since high school
914
00:56:04,025 --> 00:56:07,015
we have five kids and I am his
rock
915
00:56:07,016 --> 00:56:10,015
but he already told me he wasn't
allowed in the bubble, so I am
916
00:56:10,016 --> 00:56:13,017
just here to send my man some
love
917
00:56:13,018 --> 00:56:14,024
well, you are allowed in the
bubble
918
00:56:14,025 --> 00:56:19,000
you just have to quarantine.
Oh.
919
00:56:19,001 --> 00:56:20,017
Interesting.
That is not the information that
920
00:56:20,018 --> 00:56:22,013
had been previously relayed to
me
921
00:56:22,014 --> 00:56:28,016
but now that I am privy to this,
my husband is a dead man
922
00:56:28,017 --> 00:56:30,024
things are heating up
how y'all doing
923
00:56:30,025 --> 00:56:33,013
I'm c.J. And I've been here for
60 days.
924
00:56:33,014 --> 00:56:36,009
Because I just have to keep
restarting quarantine because I
925
00:56:36,010 --> 00:56:39,004
can't stop ordering buffalo wild
wings.
926
00:56:39,005 --> 00:56:43,026
The bubble is tight
no ordering outside food
927
00:56:43,027 --> 00:56:45,005
it's all right because I made
it to day 13
928
00:56:45,006 --> 00:56:47,019
so I am good
hey, I have a buffalo wild
929
00:56:47,020 --> 00:56:51,011
wings delivery here.
I said contactless delivery
930
00:56:51,012 --> 00:56:58,007
man.
Hi.
931
00:56:58,008 --> 00:56:59,022
I'm quarantining in Disney world
anyway
932
00:56:59,023 --> 00:57:02,027
I used to work in the hall of
presidents
933
00:57:02,028 --> 00:57:05,013
I played Monica Lewinsky
but then I got older
934
00:57:05,014 --> 00:57:10,023
bills.
And now I get to be goofy.
935
00:57:10,024 --> 00:57:14,019
Marry me, basketball
oh, sorry, I should put on my
936
00:57:14,020 --> 00:57:19,018
mask
[ Laughter ]
937
00:57:19,019 --> 00:57:21,020
You know what that sound
means.
938
00:57:21,021 --> 00:57:24,019
A draft pick has been made
please welcome NBA commissioner
939
00:57:24,020 --> 00:57:32,010
Adam silver.
Hey
940
00:57:32,011 --> 00:57:35,018
good work, soupsalad
being here today proves that
941
00:57:35,019 --> 00:57:41,006
even being in a pandemic you
can't keep a good host down.
942
00:57:41,007 --> 00:57:46,019
That being said our point guard
beautiful wife Michelle is here.
943
00:57:46,020 --> 00:57:47,021
So obviously --
change of plans
944
00:57:47,022 --> 00:57:52,028
I choose her
oh, my god!
945
00:57:52,029 --> 00:57:54,020
I promise you won't regret this.
Okay
946
00:57:54,021 --> 00:57:56,012
it's been a long journey to get
here
947
00:57:56,013 --> 00:57:58,019
all the dms.
All the thirst trappings
948
00:57:58,020 --> 00:57:59,999
you got my Amazon wish list,
right?
949
00:58:00,000 --> 00:58:03,002
Mm-hmm.
Love you.
950
00:58:03,003 --> 00:58:04,021
First wives, second wives,
mistresses and side pieces
951
00:58:04,022 --> 00:58:18,028
this has been the NBA bubble
draft.
952
00:58:18,029 --> 00:58:25,016
And now the
stunt performers guild presents,
953
00:58:25,017 --> 00:58:28,007
an epic virtual fight.
I wish I could be back on set
954
00:58:28,008 --> 00:58:30,026
doing kick-ass stunts with my
friends.
955
00:58:30,027 --> 00:58:35,020
Wait a minute.
We can do it from home
956
00:58:35,021 --> 00:58:36,021
ya!
Ya
957
00:58:36,022 --> 00:58:38,010
oh.
Oh, no way
958
00:58:38,011 --> 00:58:43,018
uh
oh, no.
959
00:58:43,019 --> 00:58:59,023
Not today.
You rotten kids
960
00:58:59,024 --> 00:59:03,001
my ass
hi.
961
00:59:03,002 --> 00:59:04,020
We are the stunt performers
of America
962
00:59:04,021 --> 00:59:06,005
just like you, we can't wait
to get back to work.
963
00:59:06,006 --> 00:59:07,025
We want to be doing epic car
chases
964
00:59:07,026 --> 00:59:09,025
sick knife fights
karate and motorcycle jumps
965
00:59:09,026 --> 00:59:11,010
and our expertise is mostly
falling down and getting hit in
966
00:59:11,011 --> 00:59:16,022
the crotch by kids
yeah, we stunt double for
967
00:59:16,023 --> 00:59:22,009
villains and children's
comedies
968
00:59:22,010 --> 00:59:25,006
so, I typically play the fat
authoritative woman who people
969
00:59:25,007 --> 00:59:26,028
like to see get hurt real bad.
I'm usually getting tossed.
970
00:59:26,029 --> 00:59:29,007
Body going "aah" through the air
and kids are cheering.
971
00:59:29,008 --> 00:59:33,025
That's probably me
we love what we do.
972
00:59:33,026 --> 00:59:34,024
And there's all different
kinds of stunts.
973
00:59:34,025 --> 00:59:38,002
Nothing makes me happier than
jumping through fire
974
00:59:38,003 --> 00:59:41,006
or leaping off a helicopter
or getting kicked into a
975
00:59:41,007 --> 00:59:42,007
dumpster by a cow.
For the purposes of children's
976
00:59:42,008 --> 00:59:45,003
comedy
yeah, it's been six months
977
00:59:45,004 --> 00:59:47,999
since I've been able to use my
number one skill, which is of
978
00:59:48,000 --> 00:59:49,008
course farting from being hit in
the head
979
00:59:49,009 --> 00:59:51,012
and we're from the old
school
980
00:59:51,013 --> 00:59:55,001
we're not faking those farts
no.
981
00:59:55,002 --> 00:59:57,005
I mean, it helps the kids
understand that we're not
982
00:59:57,006 --> 01:00:01,002
actually being hurt.
We are just being hit so hard
983
01:00:01,003 --> 01:00:05,023
that farts are coming out.
You might not know us but we
984
01:00:05,024 --> 01:00:07,020
help make some of your favorite
movies
985
01:00:07,021 --> 01:00:09,009
I drove the Maserati in
"furious 7."
986
01:00:09,010 --> 01:00:15,999
I was an Amazon warrior in
"wonder woman.
987
01:00:16,000 --> 01:00:17,015
And I played ugly shusher in
"cool kid library" and also evil
988
01:00:17,016 --> 01:00:24,003
lunch lady in "camp bitch.
And I was the star of
989
01:00:24,004 --> 01:00:26,999
"nurse wedgie.
In this one part, the kid
990
01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:28,018
switched my hat for an octopus
and then I stumbled face first
991
01:00:28,019 --> 01:00:32,019
into a toilet.
Which was hard because then we
992
01:00:32,020 --> 01:00:34,023
had to go and shoot the scene.
Got to stay strong.
993
01:00:34,024 --> 01:00:38,021
Got to stay in shape.
Yeah, don't want to lose our
994
01:00:38,022 --> 01:00:40,999
ass calluses
one, two, three, four
995
01:00:41,000 --> 01:00:48,005
these stunts hurt
I've been bit in the vagina by a
996
01:00:48,006 --> 01:00:49,028
dog more times than I can count.
And the dogs don't understand
997
01:00:49,029 --> 01:00:50,027
it's pretend
so if you want them to let go
998
01:00:50,028 --> 01:00:51,026
you've got to cut their heads
off.
999
01:00:51,027 --> 01:00:53,006
So everybody, please.
Wear your mask
1000
01:00:53,007 --> 01:00:57,003
stay home.
And hang in there.
1001
01:00:57,004 --> 01:00:59,004
So we can do more of this.
Ha!
1002
01:00:59,005 --> 01:01:09,016
Hya!
Oh, you -
1003
01:01:09,017 --> 01:01:18,001
[ fart sound ]
Not in my library
1004
01:01:18,002 --> 01:01:20,021
the stunt performers
association of America
1005
01:01:20,022 --> 01:01:26,007
shameful stunts call today
plau ][ Apse
1006
01:01:26,008 --> 01:01:29,020
once again, Megan thee
stallion
1007
01:01:29,021 --> 01:01:32,021
[ cheers and applause
1008
01:01:35,026 --> 01:01:41,003
♪
♪ real hot girl
1009
01:01:41,004 --> 01:01:44,027
ah, ayy ♪
♪ I got a stank
1010
01:01:44,028 --> 01:01:46,027
walk walk walk
and a reckless mouth
1011
01:01:46,028 --> 01:01:49,005
and my, so tight ♪
♪ when we, my, talk
1012
01:01:49,006 --> 01:01:51,005
♪ I don't even sa
what's u
1013
01:01:51,006 --> 01:01:53,006
I just tell hi
what I want ♪
1014
01:01:53,007 --> 01:01:55,014
♪ cause I got another
that's gon' do I
1015
01:01:55,015 --> 01:01:57,021
if he don't, ah ♪
♪ attitude ba
1016
01:01:57,022 --> 01:01:59,014
too good
when he sa
1017
01:01:59,015 --> 01:02:01,014
me, I tell him, me good ♪
♪ chase these
1018
01:02:01,015 --> 01:02:03,000
I wish I would
bad like m
1019
01:02:03,001 --> 01:02:05,012
wish they could ♪
♪ she a Casper to m
1020
01:02:05,013 --> 01:02:08,009
I need glasses to se
in the mall with her daddy
1021
01:02:08,010 --> 01:02:11,013
she a, to me ♪
♪ you ain't, him righ
1022
01:02:11,014 --> 01:02:15,025
pass him to me
real, love me from
1023
01:02:15,026 --> 01:02:16,025
the h to the d ♪
♪ don't sto
1024
01:02:16,026 --> 01:02:17,024
pop that cat
mmm, mmm
1025
01:02:17,025 --> 01:02:19,008
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
1026
01:02:19,009 --> 01:02:21,024
shake that
shake that
1027
01:02:21,025 --> 01:02:22,018
mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I
1028
01:02:22,019 --> 01:02:24,017
don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm
1029
01:02:24,018 --> 01:02:26,999
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
1030
01:02:27,000 --> 01:02:28,011
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
1031
01:02:28,012 --> 01:02:30,008
work it, work it ♪
♪ patek, just for the day
1032
01:02:30,009 --> 01:02:31,006
say she gotta go
roll the Ace of spades ♪
1033
01:02:31,007 --> 01:02:32,005
♪ and she catch a col
when she rock the chains
1034
01:02:32,006 --> 01:02:33,006
but let me see
pinky and the brain ♪
1035
01:02:33,007 --> 01:02:34,016
♪ our baby mama
ain't the same, no
1036
01:02:34,017 --> 01:02:39,010
she like, baby daddy
ice my chain ♪
1037
01:02:39,011 --> 01:02:40,017
♪ she 'bout to
and give me top like a crane
1038
01:02:40,018 --> 01:02:45,004
you a, but you gang ♪
♪ shake what your
1039
01:02:45,005 --> 01:02:46,023
doctor gave ya
and I'ma ice your wrists
1040
01:02:46,024 --> 01:02:48,028
like a player ♪
♪ doctor Miami add layers
1041
01:02:48,029 --> 01:02:49,024
now, is fat like a acr
come to the spot
1042
01:02:49,025 --> 01:02:51,017
and we lay up ♪
♪ and I'll crea
1043
01:02:51,018 --> 01:02:52,025
that, like mayos
ever since
1044
01:02:52,026 --> 01:02:53,026
I got my cake up ♪
♪ I been runnin these
1045
01:02:53,027 --> 01:02:55,022
like the mayor
don't stop, hatchback ♪
1046
01:02:55,023 --> 01:02:57,003
♪ shakin that
on snapchat, yea
1047
01:02:57,004 --> 01:02:59,008
off the script
and shakin that ♪
1048
01:02:59,009 --> 01:03:00,017
♪ what you'll d
for these rack, rack
1049
01:03:00,018 --> 01:03:03,008
where my thots at ♪
♪ I just freed this
1050
01:03:03,009 --> 01:03:05,005
like a bird, yeah ♪
♪ where my thots at
1051
01:03:05,006 --> 01:03:06,024
let me hit I
from the bac
1052
01:03:06,025 --> 01:03:10,017
say, slatt, slatt ♪
♪ don't sto
1053
01:03:10,018 --> 01:03:11,014
pop that cat
mmm, mmm
1054
01:03:11,015 --> 01:03:13,021
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
1055
01:03:13,022 --> 01:03:14,999
shake that
shake that
1056
01:03:15,000 --> 01:03:17,025
mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I
1057
01:03:17,026 --> 01:03:21,000
don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm
1058
01:03:21,001 --> 01:03:23,019
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
1059
01:03:23,020 --> 01:03:24,024
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
1060
01:03:24,025 --> 01:03:27,004
work it, work it ♪
♪ I'm gon' blow him like ac
1061
01:03:27,005 --> 01:03:27,027
give me big, like it
lick, lick, lick
1062
01:03:27,028 --> 01:03:28,026
me 'til I scream ♪
♪ twist his tongu
1063
01:03:28,027 --> 01:03:30,002
like I, I mean
I mean my body
1064
01:03:30,003 --> 01:03:31,001
so out of this world ♪
♪ change my at name
1065
01:03:31,002 --> 01:03:32,018
to astrogirl
people say I'm
1066
01:03:32,019 --> 01:03:34,007
way too full of myself ♪
♪ you're righ
1067
01:03:34,008 --> 01:03:36,000
and I ain't even
made it to dessert, ah ♪
1068
01:03:36,001 --> 01:03:38,015
♪ Buffy, no angel
star, no spangle
1069
01:03:38,016 --> 01:03:40,019
forty-inch weave
by kellon don't tangle ♪
1070
01:03:40,020 --> 01:03:42,001
♪ call my drug dealer
boyfriend on tango
1071
01:03:42,002 --> 01:03:43,017
use the taji
when I'm eatin a mango ♪
1072
01:03:43,018 --> 01:03:45,012
♪ yeah, I get jealous
if you ate it real goo
1073
01:03:45,013 --> 01:03:46,020
I can't help it ♪
♪ any, you with
1074
01:03:46,021 --> 01:03:48,010
you need to dead I
fore I come throug
1075
01:03:48,011 --> 01:03:52,013
and get hectic, ah ♪
♪ don't sto
1076
01:03:52,014 --> 01:03:54,999
pop that cat
mmm, mmm
1077
01:03:55,000 --> 01:03:56,000
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
1078
01:03:56,001 --> 01:03:57,011
shake that
shake that
1079
01:03:57,012 --> 01:04:01,016
mmm, mmm ♪
♪ work it, work I
1080
01:04:01,017 --> 01:04:03,020
don't stop, pop that cat
mmm, mmm
1081
01:04:03,021 --> 01:04:07,014
just like that ♪
♪ mmm, mm
1082
01:04:07,015 --> 01:04:08,010
shake that, shake that
hmm, hmm
1083
01:04:08,011 --> 01:04:09,005
work it, work it ♪
shake that, shake that
1084
01:04:09,006 --> 01:04:10,001
hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪
1085
01:04:10,002 --> 01:04:11,004
♪ don't sto
pop that cat
1086
01:04:11,005 --> 01:04:12,019
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
1087
01:04:12,020 --> 01:04:14,001
♪ mmm, mm
shake that
1088
01:04:14,002 --> 01:04:15,013
shake that
mmm, mmm ♪
1089
01:04:15,014 --> 01:04:16,024
♪ work it, work I
don't stop, pop that cat
1090
01:04:16,025 --> 01:04:18,016
mmm, mmm
just like that ♪
1091
01:04:18,017 --> 01:04:20,008
♪ mmm, mm
shake that, shake that
1092
01:04:20,009 --> 01:04:22,999
hmm, hmm
work it, work it ♪
1093
01:04:23,000 --> 01:04:24,020
[ Cheers and applause
1094
01:04:30,010 --> 01:04:39,012
Hey, I want to thank Megan
thee stallion, young dub, Alec
1095
01:04:39,013 --> 01:04:41,027
Baldwin, Jim carrey, Maya
Rudolph.
1096
01:04:41,028 --> 01:04:44,022
Yes.
And the whole cast of "SNL."
1097
01:04:44,023 --> 01:04:48,012
Thank you so much!
Wear a mask!
1098
01:04:48,013 --> 01:04:53,022
Wear a mask.
Be safe out there!
1099
01:04:53,023 --> 01:05:10,027
♪
89576
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