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1
00:00:01,135 --> 00:00:04,510
♪ It seems todaythat all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,576 --> 00:00:08,049
♪ Is violence in moviesand sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,116 --> 00:00:11,590
♪ But where are thosegood old�fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,657 --> 00:00:14,530
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,596 --> 00:00:18,136
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,203 --> 00:00:21,610
♪ Lucky there's a man whopositively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,677 --> 00:00:23,213
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,280 --> 00:00:24,616
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,683 --> 00:00:30,160
♪ He's... a...Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
10
00:00:34,168 --> 00:00:37,408
(loud crowd chatter)
11
00:00:37,474 --> 00:00:40,480
God, the Clam sucks
on Saturday mornings.
12
00:00:40,548 --> 00:00:42,986
It's all just weird
foreign sports fans,
13
00:00:43,053 --> 00:00:45,825
like those Pakistani
cricket hooligans.
14
00:00:45,892 --> 00:00:47,494
If you are not rooting
for Lahore,
15
00:00:47,562 --> 00:00:49,365
please you may leave,
I can tell you!
16
00:00:49,432 --> 00:00:51,336
Lahore cricketers are the best,
17
00:00:51,402 --> 00:00:54,141
and the others are not the best,
dear friends.
18
00:00:54,208 --> 00:00:58,350
I'm for Karachi, but I don't
got a death wish about it.
19
00:00:58,416 --> 00:01:00,153
Guys, what's wrong with us?
20
00:01:00,220 --> 00:01:02,458
It's Saturday morning,
and we're drinking in a bar.
21
00:01:02,525 --> 00:01:05,063
We should be drinking at
the Goodwill donation dumpster.
22
00:01:05,130 --> 00:01:08,069
- Why come?
- 'Cause right now's
when all the yard sales end.
23
00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:10,474
We can get first pick
of the abandoned leftovers.
24
00:01:10,541 --> 00:01:12,111
That's a stupid idea.
There's not gonna
25
00:01:12,177 --> 00:01:14,115
be anything good
in that dumpster.
26
00:01:14,181 --> 00:01:17,087
PETER: What if I told you
everything I'm wearing right now
27
00:01:17,154 --> 00:01:18,524
I found in that dumpster?
28
00:01:18,591 --> 00:01:21,362
Is that a bachelorette sash?
29
00:01:21,429 --> 00:01:25,505
Scott said I could do hand stuff
this weekend, but that's it.
30
00:01:29,045 --> 00:01:30,515
I told you this is stupid.
31
00:01:30,581 --> 00:01:31,984
There's nothing good in here.
32
00:01:32,051 --> 00:01:33,654
Hey, look��
a pair of working legs.
33
00:01:33,721 --> 00:01:35,123
Dibs on these.
34
00:01:35,190 --> 00:01:37,227
Wha...? Aw, come on, Quagmire!
35
00:01:37,294 --> 00:01:38,864
Joe, I said dibs.
36
00:01:38,931 --> 00:01:41,335
No, no, you're right.
You said dibs.
37
00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:44,075
Whoa. Check it out.
A Sorry! board game.
38
00:01:44,141 --> 00:01:45,545
Let me see it.
39
00:01:45,611 --> 00:01:47,147
(soft rattling)
40
00:01:47,214 --> 00:01:49,351
- Three pieces missing.
- How'd you do that?
41
00:01:49,418 --> 00:01:52,726
I can shake anything and
figure out what all's in there.
42
00:01:55,097 --> 00:01:57,902
You got 11 periods left.
43
00:01:57,969 --> 00:02:00,307
Cool. VHS of Eraserhead.
44
00:02:00,373 --> 00:02:03,313
This'll be good for when
I never want to sleep again.
45
00:02:03,379 --> 00:02:06,119
Holy crap.
46
00:02:06,185 --> 00:02:07,522
Wha�What? What is it?
47
00:02:10,460 --> 00:02:11,997
A Magic 8 Ball!
48
00:02:12,064 --> 00:02:13,901
This thing can tell the future.
49
00:02:13,968 --> 00:02:16,139
No, it can't, Peter.
It's just a stupid toy.
50
00:02:16,205 --> 00:02:17,642
I don't know. Let's test it.
51
00:02:17,709 --> 00:02:20,848
Will there be snow
this Christmas?
52
00:02:20,915 --> 00:02:23,554
(gasps)
Oh, my God, the ball is right.
53
00:02:23,621 --> 00:02:25,157
I should ask again later.
54
00:02:25,223 --> 00:02:26,693
How did it know that?
55
00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:28,764
Guys, from now on,
I am living my life
56
00:02:28,831 --> 00:02:30,835
according to the Magic 8 Ball.
57
00:02:30,902 --> 00:02:32,572
It will lead me
like the shorebird
58
00:02:32,639 --> 00:02:35,243
that led the first Pilgrims
to Boston.
59
00:02:36,279 --> 00:02:38,884
Ahoy!
Are you looking to build a city
60
00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:41,857
where sports fans
can be notoriously racist?
61
00:02:41,924 --> 00:02:44,094
Yeah, and can we also ruin
"Sweet Caroline"
62
00:02:44,161 --> 00:02:46,633
- for everyone else?
- Absolutely.
63
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:49,973
Can our airport security people
be responsible for 9/11?
64
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:53,581
And can our own 9/11 be, like,
one one�thousandth as bad,
65
00:02:53,647 --> 00:02:55,785
but we'll still make
a fricking movie about it?
66
00:02:55,852 --> 00:02:57,555
I think I know just the place.
67
00:02:57,622 --> 00:03:00,160
Okay, I don't know
if this is gonna be a problem,
68
00:03:00,227 --> 00:03:02,164
but we forgot
to bring the letter "R."
69
00:03:02,231 --> 00:03:03,767
No problem at all.
70
00:03:03,834 --> 00:03:06,205
Right this way,
large�faced whites!
71
00:03:06,272 --> 00:03:08,176
ALL (chanting):
Let's go, Red Sox!
72
00:03:08,243 --> 00:03:09,579
(rhythmic clapping)
73
00:03:09,646 --> 00:03:12,084
Let's go, Red Sox!
74
00:03:17,127 --> 00:03:18,597
What is that?
75
00:03:18,664 --> 00:03:20,133
It's my Magic 8 Ball.
76
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,737
This is the first black ball
77
00:03:21,803 --> 00:03:24,074
that Kim Kardashian
hasn't played with.
78
00:03:24,141 --> 00:03:26,880
Why is it filled with the blue
liquid from tampon commercials?
79
00:03:26,947 --> 00:03:28,449
That's a very gross question,
Meg.
80
00:03:28,517 --> 00:03:30,521
You may take your breakfast
in the attic.
81
00:03:32,324 --> 00:03:35,230
That question aside, I'm having
a blast with my new 8 Ball.
82
00:03:35,297 --> 00:03:36,633
It knows everything. Watch.
83
00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:38,403
Magic 8 Ball,
84
00:03:38,469 --> 00:03:41,643
will my middle�of�the�highway
puppet show be a success?
85
00:03:43,046 --> 00:03:45,050
Well, I'll show this thing.
86
00:03:47,922 --> 00:03:48,857
(truck horn blaring)
87
00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:50,327
�(tires screeching) �(thud)
88
00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:54,536
How'd it go, Dad?
89
00:03:54,602 --> 00:03:56,540
I don't know, Sparky.
What did you think?
90
00:03:56,606 --> 00:03:59,311
The performance was
a little flat.
91
00:03:59,378 --> 00:04:01,950
(instrumental
Family Guy theme plays)
92
00:04:14,308 --> 00:04:16,646
Magic 8 Ball.
93
00:04:16,713 --> 00:04:18,449
Magic 8 Ball, I'm bored.
94
00:04:18,517 --> 00:04:20,654
Should I sniff
my coworker's hair?
95
00:04:23,894 --> 00:04:25,263
He told me to do it!
96
00:04:25,330 --> 00:04:27,334
Mr. Griffin,
if a Magic 8 Ball asked you
97
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,672
to jump off a building,
would you do that, too?
98
00:04:29,739 --> 00:04:31,108
Did it?
99
00:04:31,175 --> 00:04:33,479
No, I'm just using that
as an example of...
100
00:04:33,547 --> 00:04:35,718
I listened to the toy!
101
00:04:39,224 --> 00:04:42,598
Magic 8 Ball,
what's the best e�mail provider?
102
00:04:44,134 --> 00:04:46,338
"Outlook good."
Interesting.
103
00:04:46,405 --> 00:04:48,811
He's not raving about it,
but it's a solid choice.
104
00:04:48,877 --> 00:04:50,815
Let's go, Peter.
Time for church.
105
00:04:50,881 --> 00:04:54,188
Mom said they're gonna serve
Chewy Chips Ahoy at coffee hour.
106
00:04:54,254 --> 00:04:55,724
Lois... church?
107
00:04:55,791 --> 00:04:57,728
Who am I supposed to worship��
Jesus?
108
00:04:57,795 --> 00:04:59,566
This is my god now.
109
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:01,035
Watch your mouth, Peter.
110
00:05:01,102 --> 00:05:03,841
Sorry, Lois, but my religion
is now the 8 Ball.
111
00:05:03,907 --> 00:05:06,980
Magic 8 Ball,
is the Fox network sustainable
112
00:05:07,047 --> 00:05:09,051
in this new streaming world?
113
00:05:10,053 --> 00:05:13,025
No. No!
114
00:05:13,092 --> 00:05:14,529
(gasps)
115
00:05:14,596 --> 00:05:16,132
Kim, what's wrong?
116
00:05:16,198 --> 00:05:19,539
A black ball went to waste.
117
00:05:27,220 --> 00:05:29,324
Are you streaming Mindhunter
in church?
118
00:05:29,391 --> 00:05:32,230
I'm trying to stream
Mindhunter in church.
119
00:05:36,338 --> 00:05:37,875
Freaking guest Wi�Fi.
120
00:05:37,942 --> 00:05:40,548
You know
the priest gets the good Wi�Fi.
121
00:05:40,614 --> 00:05:42,217
And yea, the Lord said...
122
00:05:42,284 --> 00:05:44,087
Whoa, whoa.
Mindhunter's going in.
123
00:05:44,154 --> 00:05:45,758
I mean... (clears throat)
124
00:05:45,824 --> 00:05:48,396
Thou art the children
of Abraham, and thou shalt...
125
00:05:48,462 --> 00:05:49,966
He's playing you!
126
00:05:50,033 --> 00:05:52,137
You think you're playing him?
He's playing you.
127
00:05:52,204 --> 00:05:54,208
I hate this.
When do I get my cookie?
128
00:05:54,274 --> 00:05:56,445
I just want my cookie
so I can go home.
129
00:05:56,513 --> 00:05:58,584
Now please join me
in silent prayer.
130
00:05:58,650 --> 00:06:00,453
And as we settle
into the silence,
131
00:06:00,521 --> 00:06:02,725
I remind you that��
in honor of Lent��
132
00:06:02,792 --> 00:06:07,234
today's coffee service will not
include Chewy Chips Ahoy.
133
00:06:11,576 --> 00:06:14,181
�(bleep) �(all gasping)
134
00:06:14,248 --> 00:06:16,252
- (Lois gasps)
- (congregation murmurs)
135
00:06:18,256 --> 00:06:20,761
Hey, Stewie said his first word.
136
00:06:20,828 --> 00:06:22,898
And it was a swear.
137
00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:25,069
Well, this is unacceptable.
138
00:06:25,136 --> 00:06:27,775
We have to leave right now
and go straight to breakfast.
139
00:06:27,842 --> 00:06:29,846
Unbelievable.
140
00:06:31,181 --> 00:06:32,551
(car door opens, closes)
141
00:06:32,618 --> 00:06:34,656
(engine starts)
142
00:06:34,722 --> 00:06:36,726
Let's go!
143
00:06:42,838 --> 00:06:45,678
I can't believe Stewie
finally said his first word
144
00:06:45,744 --> 00:06:48,015
and it ends up being... that.
145
00:06:48,082 --> 00:06:51,121
Right now, every woman in my
mommy wine group is judging me.
146
00:06:51,188 --> 00:06:54,027
I may have to start
drinking wine at home alone.
147
00:06:54,094 --> 00:06:57,167
�Start?
�Not the day for it, Chris!
Not the day!
148
00:06:57,233 --> 00:06:59,371
I don't get it, Stewie.
You've been talking forever.
149
00:06:59,438 --> 00:07:01,017
Why did everyone suddenly
understand you now?
150
00:07:01,041 --> 00:07:02,645
I don't know.
151
00:07:02,712 --> 00:07:04,982
I was feeling so much
intense emotion in the moment,
152
00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:07,287
and that one word somehow
just burst through.
153
00:07:07,354 --> 00:07:09,559
Yeah, but now what?
Everyone can understand you?
154
00:07:09,625 --> 00:07:11,261
I don't think so.
155
00:07:11,328 --> 00:07:13,934
Not unless I'm yelling something
I feel strongly about.
156
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:16,940
Greta Gerwig
is a national treasure!
157
00:07:17,006 --> 00:07:18,610
See? Nothing.
158
00:07:18,677 --> 00:07:20,514
I guess I'm not feeling it.
I don't know.
159
00:07:20,581 --> 00:07:23,486
What if that's the only thing
I'll ever be able to express?
160
00:07:23,553 --> 00:07:26,258
Anger. What kind
of a person would I be then?
161
00:07:26,325 --> 00:07:27,962
Larry David, Lewis Black,
162
00:07:28,028 --> 00:07:30,199
a Trump voter,
everyone on Twitter.
163
00:07:30,266 --> 00:07:32,270
But I don't want
to be any of those things.
164
00:07:32,337 --> 00:07:33,640
They've got to hear me.
165
00:07:33,707 --> 00:07:35,544
Ice cream! Lollipop!
166
00:07:35,611 --> 00:07:36,980
Bubbles! Kitty cat!
167
00:07:37,046 --> 00:07:38,382
(Curb Your Enthusiasm theme
plays)
168
00:07:38,449 --> 00:07:40,386
Doggy! Raincoat! Preschool!
169
00:07:40,453 --> 00:07:44,394
Fire truck! Goldfish!
Finger paint!
170
00:07:44,461 --> 00:07:47,768
(soft chatter, laughter)
171
00:07:48,804 --> 00:07:50,339
Lois, what are you doing here?
172
00:07:50,406 --> 00:07:52,477
What do you mean?
You invited us.
173
00:07:52,545 --> 00:07:55,316
Sorry, but we can't
have Stewie here.
174
00:07:55,383 --> 00:07:56,920
I brought my own veggie burgers,
175
00:07:56,986 --> 00:07:58,599
but I'm not gonna make
a big deal about it.
176
00:07:58,623 --> 00:08:00,794
What with his profanity and all,
I don't think
177
00:08:00,861 --> 00:08:03,299
Stewie would be a good influence
on the other children.
178
00:08:03,365 --> 00:08:05,136
Is there a designated spot
on the grill
179
00:08:05,203 --> 00:08:06,506
for the veggie burgers?
180
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:08,008
And again, not a big deal.
181
00:08:08,075 --> 00:08:10,112
You're saying
that because of a swear word,
182
00:08:10,179 --> 00:08:12,852
my son isn't good enough
for your pool party?
183
00:08:12,918 --> 00:08:14,689
It's a little bit
about him swearing,
184
00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:16,960
but mostly
about you as a parent.
185
00:08:18,395 --> 00:08:20,366
Kevin, I said, no arrows!
186
00:08:20,433 --> 00:08:22,170
KEVIN:
Crossbows don't shoot arrows.
187
00:08:22,237 --> 00:08:23,974
They shoot bolts, dumbass!
188
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:26,011
(chuckles)
Okay, sweetie.
189
00:08:26,078 --> 00:08:29,417
KEVIN:
Hey, Dad, did you hear
what Einstein called bolts?
190
00:08:29,484 --> 00:08:31,054
JOE:
I heard it.
191
00:08:34,461 --> 00:08:36,164
Brian, shut off the television.
192
00:08:36,231 --> 00:08:37,868
It's ruined my baby!
193
00:08:37,935 --> 00:08:39,271
What are you talking about?
194
00:08:39,337 --> 00:08:41,843
Stewie obviously learned
to swear from some TV show.
195
00:08:41,910 --> 00:08:44,549
No, he didn't. The only show
he watches is Caillou.
196
00:08:44,615 --> 00:08:46,686
Well, then that little
French�Canadian weirdo
197
00:08:46,753 --> 00:08:48,757
is the potty mouth,
I'm sure of it.
198
00:08:48,823 --> 00:08:51,563
And I'm willing to watch every
single episode just to prove it.
199
00:08:51,629 --> 00:08:53,465
NARRATOR:
Caillou was upset.
200
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,973
Why am I bald?
I'm not a baby. I'm four.
201
00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,545
Are kids just bald in Canada?
202
00:08:59,612 --> 00:09:01,014
NARRATOR: So Caillou decided
203
00:09:01,081 --> 00:09:02,551
to look himself up on Wikipedia.
204
00:09:02,618 --> 00:09:04,589
God, this is dull.
205
00:09:04,655 --> 00:09:06,859
CAILLOU: Maybe I'm supposed
to be a cancer survivor,
206
00:09:06,926 --> 00:09:09,364
and this show is very inspiring.
207
00:09:09,431 --> 00:09:11,869
NARRATOR: But Caillou
wasn't a cancer survivor.
208
00:09:11,936 --> 00:09:15,343
The show's creators
just made a weird choice.
209
00:09:15,409 --> 00:09:17,881
Caillou's
low�testosterone father
210
00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:20,386
again indulged
Caillou's tantrum,
211
00:09:20,453 --> 00:09:22,725
clearly trying
to raise a sociopath.
212
00:09:22,791 --> 00:09:24,294
CAILLOU'S FATHER:
It's okay, Caillou.
213
00:09:24,361 --> 00:09:26,264
I'll bake you a pie.
214
00:09:26,331 --> 00:09:28,870
NARRATOR:He said, his body floodingwith estrogen.
215
00:09:28,937 --> 00:09:30,272
Lois?
216
00:09:30,339 --> 00:09:31,743
Are you dead?
217
00:09:31,809 --> 00:09:33,145
(sniffing)
218
00:09:33,212 --> 00:09:34,782
Can I eat you?
219
00:09:34,849 --> 00:09:36,919
- Huh? What?
- Ah, another time.
220
00:09:36,986 --> 00:09:41,128
Oh. I�I, um... I watched
that Caillou, and you're right.
221
00:09:41,194 --> 00:09:43,465
Stewie didn't learn that word
from Caillou.
222
00:09:43,533 --> 00:09:45,573
That means he learned it
from someone in this house.
223
00:09:45,637 --> 00:09:47,941
- Okay.
- And I will find out who.
224
00:09:48,008 --> 00:09:49,578
I'm gonna set a trap
225
00:09:49,645 --> 00:09:52,116
and lure the swearer
into revealing himself.
226
00:09:52,183 --> 00:09:53,520
That sounds hard.
227
00:09:53,586 --> 00:09:56,158
Oh, I will find the swearer.
228
00:09:56,224 --> 00:09:57,528
CAILLOU:
Dad, why are we sitting
229
00:09:57,594 --> 00:09:59,030
on the washing machine?
230
00:09:59,097 --> 00:10:00,497
CAILLOU'S FATHER:
Because in Canada,
231
00:10:00,534 --> 00:10:02,504
men have vaginas.
232
00:10:06,546 --> 00:10:09,117
Hey, what's with the stairs?
Why do they look different?
233
00:10:09,184 --> 00:10:10,554
Oh, I'm trying to prove
234
00:10:10,620 --> 00:10:12,691
that Peter's the one
cussing in the house,
235
00:10:12,758 --> 00:10:15,463
so I waxed the staircase
for him to fall down.
236
00:10:15,530 --> 00:10:17,534
PETER:
Hey, Lois, have you seen
my Spider�Man socks?
237
00:10:17,601 --> 00:10:18,779
- I can't seem to...
- (thudding)
238
00:10:18,803 --> 00:10:20,339
Ouch. Oh, heavens.
239
00:10:20,406 --> 00:10:21,709
Oh, goodness gracious.
240
00:10:21,776 --> 00:10:23,580
That's smarts.
Oh, my.
241
00:10:23,646 --> 00:10:25,182
Egad.
Well, I'll be.
242
00:10:25,249 --> 00:10:27,253
Yikes.
243
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,090
Peter, when did you
become so polite?
244
00:10:29,157 --> 00:10:31,261
Oh, I've been hanging out
with Caillou's beta dad.
245
00:10:31,328 --> 00:10:33,232
In fact,
I'm meeting him at the park
246
00:10:33,298 --> 00:10:35,804
to eat unsalted saltines
on the swings.
247
00:10:36,839 --> 00:10:38,008
I feel like you're wearing
248
00:10:38,075 --> 00:10:41,749
what Rachel Maddow
would wear to a pumpkin patch.
249
00:10:44,187 --> 00:10:45,957
NARRATOR:
Lois couldn't find the swearer,
250
00:10:46,024 --> 00:10:47,795
nor could she remove the voice
251
00:10:47,861 --> 00:10:50,801
of the grating Caillou narratorfrom her head.
252
00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:52,738
Make it stop!
253
00:10:52,805 --> 00:10:55,209
Not until you kill them all,
Lois.
254
00:10:56,211 --> 00:10:57,480
Oh, crap.
255
00:10:57,548 --> 00:10:59,417
It's the lady
with the baby who cussed.
256
00:10:59,484 --> 00:11:01,188
- (lock clicks)
- MAN: Turn out the lights.
257
00:11:01,254 --> 00:11:02,524
Shh. Quiet, quiet.
258
00:11:02,591 --> 00:11:04,427
H�Hello?
259
00:11:04,494 --> 00:11:06,699
Hello!
I know you're in there!
260
00:11:06,766 --> 00:11:08,335
MAN 2:
We're closed!
261
00:11:08,402 --> 00:11:10,574
I know you're not closed.
262
00:11:10,640 --> 00:11:12,410
I see the Instacart people
in there
263
00:11:12,476 --> 00:11:14,582
emotionlessly filling up
their baskets.
264
00:11:14,648 --> 00:11:16,084
MAN:
We're a family establishment,
265
00:11:16,151 --> 00:11:18,188
so take your foul�mouthed baby
and go away!
266
00:11:18,255 --> 00:11:20,025
Please, let me in!
267
00:11:20,092 --> 00:11:22,598
I can only poop
behind a punch�code door!
268
00:11:22,664 --> 00:11:23,909
There's something
about the beeps.
269
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,269
It gets things moving!
270
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:27,106
It's very secure!
271
00:11:27,173 --> 00:11:28,543
MAN 2:
Go away!
272
00:11:28,610 --> 00:11:30,446
You can't do this!
273
00:11:30,513 --> 00:11:32,718
When a mom is shunned
by groceries,
274
00:11:32,784 --> 00:11:35,891
she has nothing!
(crying)
275
00:11:35,957 --> 00:11:39,163
Please!
276
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:45,109
Aah! It's those antibacterial
wipes for the shopping carts!
277
00:11:45,175 --> 00:11:46,846
It's burning my eyes!
278
00:11:46,913 --> 00:11:49,350
(bleep)!
279
00:11:50,887 --> 00:11:52,824
♪ ♪
280
00:11:52,891 --> 00:11:53,826
Oh, my God.
281
00:11:53,893 --> 00:11:55,462
I�It's me.
282
00:11:55,530 --> 00:11:57,366
I'm the swearer.
283
00:11:57,433 --> 00:12:00,205
(sobbing):
Oh, God.
284
00:12:00,272 --> 00:12:03,579
I'm ruining my child!
285
00:12:03,646 --> 00:12:04,982
NARRATOR:
Lois was sad,
286
00:12:05,049 --> 00:12:07,253
but not as sad
as she was going to be
287
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:10,259
when she realizes she has
to use those ouchie wipes
288
00:12:10,326 --> 00:12:12,831
to make a potty next
to the store dumpster.
289
00:12:18,876 --> 00:12:21,081
I feel so awful.
290
00:12:21,147 --> 00:12:22,651
I've corrupted my baby
291
00:12:22,718 --> 00:12:25,790
with my foul language
and my terrible anger.
292
00:12:25,857 --> 00:12:27,961
I'm so sorry that happened,
Lois.
293
00:12:28,028 --> 00:12:30,366
And Lofthouse cookies
weren't available
294
00:12:30,432 --> 00:12:31,869
at any other grocery store?
295
00:12:31,936 --> 00:12:34,374
Don't worry, Dad.
I Instacarted some.
296
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:35,844
(knocking)
297
00:12:37,113 --> 00:12:38,215
Here's your stuff.
298
00:12:38,281 --> 00:12:39,401
Thank you.
Have a good night.
299
00:12:39,450 --> 00:12:41,388
No.
300
00:12:41,454 --> 00:12:42,824
Anyway, the point is
301
00:12:42,891 --> 00:12:45,730
I have to deal with my anger
and fix myself.
302
00:12:45,797 --> 00:12:48,301
So I've decided to attend
this relaxation retreat
303
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,907
at Vista del Vista Resort.
304
00:12:50,974 --> 00:12:52,452
Uh, gosh,
I don't know about that, Lois.
305
00:12:52,476 --> 00:12:53,679
It sounds really expensive.
306
00:12:53,746 --> 00:12:55,917
(sighs)
No, I guess you're right.
307
00:12:55,984 --> 00:12:57,754
There's no way we can afford it.
308
00:12:57,821 --> 00:12:59,858
Plus, if I go,
that means I won't be here
309
00:12:59,925 --> 00:13:02,196
to help out around the house
or feed you guys
310
00:13:02,263 --> 00:13:04,868
or monitor your Internet usage
every day...
311
00:13:04,935 --> 00:13:05,870
- You should go.
- Yeah, Mom,
312
00:13:05,937 --> 00:13:07,306
you should go, for sure.
313
00:13:07,373 --> 00:13:09,778
(upbeat music playing)
314
00:13:11,381 --> 00:13:14,087
Because they want to masturbate,
you see.
315
00:13:15,122 --> 00:13:16,057
Okay.
316
00:13:16,124 --> 00:13:17,561
Uh, I don't know what that was,
317
00:13:17,627 --> 00:13:19,397
but, Lois, you should go
to that resort.
318
00:13:19,464 --> 00:13:21,167
Go relax and fix yourself.
319
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,571
(gasps)
Really?
320
00:13:22,637 --> 00:13:24,407
You guys'll be okay
while I'm gone?
321
00:13:24,474 --> 00:13:25,743
Sure. We'll have fun!
322
00:13:25,810 --> 00:13:28,516
Just like that time me and Chris
went Jet Ski'ing.
323
00:13:28,583 --> 00:13:30,520
Yeah! This is awesome!
324
00:13:30,587 --> 00:13:31,589
I know, right?
325
00:13:31,655 --> 00:13:33,191
(dolphin squeaks)
326
00:13:33,258 --> 00:13:34,193
Oh, my God!
327
00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:35,195
It's okay, Chris.
328
00:13:35,262 --> 00:13:36,474
I'm sure that was the only one.
329
00:13:36,498 --> 00:13:38,068
Dolphins swim alone.
330
00:13:38,135 --> 00:13:40,573
(squeaking)
331
00:13:41,842 --> 00:13:43,946
Okay, maybe we should turn back.
332
00:13:44,013 --> 00:13:45,215
No.
333
00:13:45,282 --> 00:13:48,255
Kill every last one of them.
334
00:13:48,321 --> 00:13:50,459
PETER:Chris and I never spokeof that day.
335
00:13:50,527 --> 00:13:53,966
But whenever somebody talks
about how smart dolphins are,
336
00:13:54,033 --> 00:13:55,737
Chris and I look
at each other like,
337
00:13:55,803 --> 00:13:57,707
"No."
338
00:13:57,774 --> 00:14:00,547
("Ac�Cent�Tchu�Ate the Positive"
playing)
339
00:14:00,613 --> 00:14:04,888
♪ You got to ac�cent�tchu�atethe positive ♪
340
00:14:04,955 --> 00:14:08,763
♪ E�lim�I�nate the negative ♪
341
00:14:08,829 --> 00:14:10,867
♪ And latch on ♪
342
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,573
♪ To the affirmative. ♪
343
00:14:13,639 --> 00:14:16,010
Lois Griffin?
My name is Roger,
344
00:14:16,077 --> 00:14:18,248
and I'll be guiding
this relaxation adventure
345
00:14:18,315 --> 00:14:20,018
for you
and the other white women,
346
00:14:20,085 --> 00:14:22,524
plus an Asian woman who has
a white husband back home.
347
00:14:22,591 --> 00:14:25,128
I feel more relaxed already.
348
00:14:25,195 --> 00:14:28,869
Now sit down and enjoy some
spa music that's mostly rain.
349
00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:31,809
Hey, guys, can we take it
from the rain again?
350
00:14:34,982 --> 00:14:38,288
(rainfall sounds)
351
00:14:42,296 --> 00:14:43,799
Well, Chris and Meg
are off to school.
352
00:14:43,866 --> 00:14:45,402
Guess it's just you and me now.
353
00:14:45,469 --> 00:14:46,739
You want a Popsicle?
354
00:14:46,805 --> 00:14:47,741
Huh?
355
00:14:47,807 --> 00:14:50,012
Breakfast Popsicle?
356
00:14:51,047 --> 00:14:52,984
Whoa, there's vodka in here.
357
00:14:53,051 --> 00:14:55,322
(gulping)
358
00:14:55,389 --> 00:14:57,092
(bottle clinks)
359
00:14:57,159 --> 00:14:58,763
Now, what�� Uh, now, what is��
360
00:14:58,829 --> 00:15:00,499
Now, what... (stammers)
what did you want?
361
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:01,602
What...
(stammers)
362
00:15:01,669 --> 00:15:03,438
Let's go play in the hot yard.
363
00:15:03,506 --> 00:15:05,777
I'm two and a half hours late
for preschool.
364
00:15:05,843 --> 00:15:06,779
Your dad...
365
00:15:06,845 --> 00:15:08,214
What... Who wants milk?
366
00:15:08,281 --> 00:15:10,720
L�Let me quick just check
in the freezer.
367
00:15:10,787 --> 00:15:13,058
(gulping)
368
00:15:13,124 --> 00:15:15,395
You�you burger.
369
00:15:15,462 --> 00:15:17,232
Here�Here's your veggie burger.
370
00:15:17,299 --> 00:15:18,636
(stammers)
371
00:15:18,703 --> 00:15:19,805
It'll thaw out.
372
00:15:19,871 --> 00:15:21,307
It... You s�suck on it.
373
00:15:21,374 --> 00:15:22,911
It'll thaw out nice.
374
00:15:22,977 --> 00:15:24,514
All right, I'm out of here.
375
00:15:24,581 --> 00:15:26,785
Ah, this is the perfect amount
of drunk
376
00:15:26,852 --> 00:15:29,791
for a Filet�O�Fish.
377
00:15:29,858 --> 00:15:32,697
♪ ♪
378
00:15:33,699 --> 00:15:34,868
TREY:
Hey.
379
00:15:34,935 --> 00:15:37,206
I'm, um, Trey Headband,
380
00:15:37,272 --> 00:15:40,379
and I'm your dumb
yoga instructor?
381
00:15:40,445 --> 00:15:42,884
Yoga is, um, good?
382
00:15:42,951 --> 00:15:45,656
And from, um, like, China?
383
00:15:45,723 --> 00:15:47,727
Ready? Go.
384
00:15:47,794 --> 00:15:49,063
Go what?
385
00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:50,065
What?
386
00:15:50,132 --> 00:15:52,169
Y�You didn't tell us what to do.
387
00:15:52,236 --> 00:15:54,841
Awesome.
You guys did great.
388
00:15:54,908 --> 00:15:56,244
Let's take a break.
389
00:15:56,310 --> 00:15:57,747
Who's got yoga questions?
390
00:15:57,814 --> 00:15:59,216
Oh, I have a question.
391
00:15:59,283 --> 00:16:01,254
What does "namaste" mean?
392
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,322
I don't know.
393
00:16:02,389 --> 00:16:04,260
I've never heard of that.
394
00:16:04,326 --> 00:16:07,099
But do you guys remember
OP shorts?
395
00:16:07,166 --> 00:16:08,478
What does that have to do
with yoga?
396
00:16:08,502 --> 00:16:09,437
I don't know.
397
00:16:09,504 --> 00:16:12,176
I'm just saying,
those were pretty rad.
398
00:16:12,242 --> 00:16:15,382
You guys are doing really good.
399
00:16:15,449 --> 00:16:16,618
Keep going.
400
00:16:16,685 --> 00:16:19,123
I'm gonna go
to that bathroom right there
401
00:16:19,190 --> 00:16:21,595
and do explosive diarrhea.
402
00:16:22,964 --> 00:16:25,736
(muffled):
Just be quiet and meditate now.
403
00:16:25,803 --> 00:16:26,839
Right on?
404
00:16:26,905 --> 00:16:30,078
(sputtering flatulence)
405
00:16:30,145 --> 00:16:32,917
Just, like,
be one with the silence.
406
00:16:32,984 --> 00:16:35,422
(flatulence continues)
407
00:16:36,992 --> 00:16:38,596
If you hear a sound,
408
00:16:38,662 --> 00:16:41,200
just, um, rec�knowledge it
409
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,404
and then, like, let it go?
410
00:16:43,471 --> 00:16:44,841
(flatulence continues)
411
00:16:44,908 --> 00:16:47,246
(upbeat music playing)
412
00:16:47,312 --> 00:16:50,586
Meditation doesn't have
diarrhea sounds. (chuckles)
413
00:16:50,653 --> 00:16:53,526
All right, let's check in
on Peter and the baby.
414
00:16:54,928 --> 00:16:58,434
Okay, Stewie, time for Daddy
to mow this very rocky backyard.
415
00:16:58,502 --> 00:17:01,207
So I'll just put you in this
baby seat you've grown out of,
416
00:17:01,274 --> 00:17:02,586
right where the rocks
are gonna fly.
417
00:17:02,610 --> 00:17:03,879
Wait, what?
418
00:17:05,448 --> 00:17:06,585
(grunting)
419
00:17:06,652 --> 00:17:08,221
Hang on! Stop!
420
00:17:08,288 --> 00:17:10,392
- Aah!
- Uhp, there we go.
421
00:17:10,458 --> 00:17:12,897
- (Stewie screaming)
- Wow, that's a lot of rocks.
422
00:17:12,964 --> 00:17:14,834
STEWIE:
Damn it! Ow! Ow! Turn it off!
423
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:16,446
- Uhp, the voles are back.
- (screaming)
424
00:17:16,470 --> 00:17:18,842
You can tell
from all the very many rocks.
425
00:17:18,909 --> 00:17:20,178
Look at 'em fly!
426
00:17:20,245 --> 00:17:21,615
(screaming continues)
427
00:17:21,682 --> 00:17:24,253
Still think moving
was such a bad idea?
428
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:25,255
I don't know.
429
00:17:25,322 --> 00:17:27,092
Do we still live
with your mother?
430
00:17:27,159 --> 00:17:29,096
(instrumental
Family Guy theme plays)
431
00:17:29,163 --> 00:17:31,167
(applause)
432
00:17:41,053 --> 00:17:42,590
Good morning, everyone.
433
00:17:42,657 --> 00:17:44,828
Let me start
with another friendly reminder
434
00:17:44,894 --> 00:17:46,999
to please not flush
your feminine products.
435
00:17:47,065 --> 00:17:48,936
The yard over the septic tank
out back
436
00:17:49,003 --> 00:17:51,140
looks like
a Braveheart battlefield.
437
00:17:51,207 --> 00:17:54,480
Okay. Now it's time for everyone
to choose a mantra.
438
00:17:54,547 --> 00:17:55,583
What's that?
439
00:17:55,650 --> 00:17:58,087
It's like a word you say
that brings you peace.
440
00:17:58,154 --> 00:17:59,423
A special word.
441
00:17:59,490 --> 00:18:01,928
A word of release and catharsis.
442
00:18:01,995 --> 00:18:03,699
You mean like (bleep)?
443
00:18:03,766 --> 00:18:05,035
(gasping)
444
00:18:05,101 --> 00:18:07,439
Now, now, Lois,
let's keep things acceptable.
445
00:18:07,507 --> 00:18:09,443
I mean, I'm just saying��
I already have a word
446
00:18:09,511 --> 00:18:11,280
that does all those things
when I say it.
447
00:18:11,347 --> 00:18:12,660
- And that word is...
- (stammers)
448
00:18:12,684 --> 00:18:14,386
Yes, we heard the word!
Lois, please...
449
00:18:14,453 --> 00:18:16,057
No, no, maybe I'm not perfect,
450
00:18:16,123 --> 00:18:17,627
but I'm a good person.
451
00:18:17,694 --> 00:18:18,962
I love my children.
452
00:18:19,029 --> 00:18:20,065
I like my husband.
453
00:18:20,131 --> 00:18:21,171
And there are worse things
454
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:23,471
than occasionally using
a swear word.
455
00:18:23,539 --> 00:18:25,543
I'm out of here.
456
00:18:29,584 --> 00:18:31,521
Guys, I'm worried
about the baby.
457
00:18:31,588 --> 00:18:33,692
He's hardly touched
any of his birdseed.
458
00:18:33,759 --> 00:18:35,796
Are you sure
we're shaking him enough?
459
00:18:35,863 --> 00:18:37,466
I'm home!
460
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:39,804
�(excited chatter) �Yeah!
461
00:18:39,871 --> 00:18:41,808
I missed you guys so much.
462
00:18:41,875 --> 00:18:43,812
I'm so sorry
I had that little meltdown.
463
00:18:43,879 --> 00:18:44,881
But, more than that,
464
00:18:44,948 --> 00:18:47,285
I'm sorry
I left you guys on your own.
465
00:18:47,352 --> 00:18:49,022
This is where I want to be.
466
00:18:49,089 --> 00:18:50,793
Is that okay with you guys?
467
00:18:50,860 --> 00:18:51,862
Of course, Lois.
468
00:18:51,928 --> 00:18:53,364
Everyone's glad you're home,
469
00:18:53,431 --> 00:18:55,536
except for
mean older brother Buzz,
470
00:18:55,603 --> 00:18:57,139
who never says anything nice.
471
00:18:57,205 --> 00:18:58,876
Uh�oh. Here he is now.
472
00:18:58,942 --> 00:19:00,211
Hey, Lois.
473
00:19:00,278 --> 00:19:02,349
Pretty cool you're back.
474
00:19:02,415 --> 00:19:04,788
Aw, I guess he's not such
a bad guy after all.
475
00:19:04,854 --> 00:19:07,292
Also, America should only accept
white immigrants.
476
00:19:07,359 --> 00:19:09,496
Uhp, nope, he's still a bad guy.
477
00:19:09,564 --> 00:19:11,500
Well, I am so happy to be home.
478
00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:15,141
But there's one little guy
I missed most of all.
479
00:19:15,208 --> 00:19:18,047
Where's my baby?
480
00:19:18,114 --> 00:19:20,118
♪ ♪
481
00:19:24,393 --> 00:19:25,729
Stewie,
482
00:19:25,796 --> 00:19:27,399
I�it's me.
483
00:19:27,465 --> 00:19:29,336
I'm home.
484
00:19:29,403 --> 00:19:31,908
♪ ♪
485
00:19:31,975 --> 00:19:33,579
Mommy!
486
00:19:33,645 --> 00:19:34,581
(gasping)
487
00:19:34,647 --> 00:19:35,583
- Whoa.
- Wow.
488
00:19:35,649 --> 00:19:37,185
It's Stewie's second word!
489
00:19:37,252 --> 00:19:38,755
Oh, my God!
(chuckles)
490
00:19:38,822 --> 00:19:40,593
His second word was me!
491
00:19:40,659 --> 00:19:41,695
"Mommy."
492
00:19:41,761 --> 00:19:44,233
Oh, I love you, Stewie!
493
00:19:44,299 --> 00:19:46,738
Ooh, ooh.
Say that again for Instagram.
494
00:19:51,247 --> 00:19:53,919
Well, well, I guess
he doesn't feel like it anymore.
495
00:19:53,986 --> 00:19:55,121
- Mommy!
- Ah!
496
00:19:55,188 --> 00:19:58,494
Say it again!
Say "Mommy" again for Instagram.
497
00:19:59,631 --> 00:20:00,900
(sighs):
All right.
498
00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:01,968
I tried.
499
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:02,970
Mommy!
500
00:20:03,037 --> 00:20:04,039
(bleep)!
501
00:20:10,853 --> 00:20:12,389
Wow, Stewie, kind of a big deal
502
00:20:12,455 --> 00:20:14,226
that your second word
was "Mommy."
503
00:20:14,293 --> 00:20:16,130
Makes me think
you don't want to kill her
504
00:20:16,196 --> 00:20:18,100
and maybe you love her.
505
00:20:18,167 --> 00:20:20,104
(chuckles): No, no, no.
No, no, no.
506
00:20:20,171 --> 00:20:22,275
No, no, that's what I wanted you
to think.
507
00:20:22,342 --> 00:20:23,721
- What are you talking about?
- Yeah.
508
00:20:23,745 --> 00:20:24,781
I scammed you, man.
509
00:20:24,847 --> 00:20:26,450
Took you for a ride, Jack.
510
00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:27,853
You thought you were a big wheel
511
00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:30,191
till you found out
squares don't roll, man.
512
00:20:30,258 --> 00:20:31,695
Dig this, hep cat.
513
00:20:31,761 --> 00:20:35,368
The Stew�man spun you round
like a Bill Evans 45.
514
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:36,805
Wait, what's happening?
515
00:20:36,871 --> 00:20:38,374
I'll tell you what's happening,
Brian.
516
00:20:38,441 --> 00:20:41,881
The whole family's becoming Jack
Kerouac's insufferable friends.
517
00:20:41,948 --> 00:20:44,721
No one wants us at
their apartment party, ya dig?
518
00:20:44,787 --> 00:20:47,560
Get hip to that, daddy,
or skit�scat out of the house.
519
00:20:47,626 --> 00:20:50,064
(playing jazz)
520
00:20:52,135 --> 00:20:54,072
We don't know
how to end these shows anymore,
521
00:20:54,139 --> 00:20:56,076
so we just do nonsense.
522
00:21:29,076 --> 00:21:31,046
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
37729
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