All language subtitles for Orange.Is.the.New.Black.S06E09.WEB.x264-STRiFE

I can do it.

If I approach with a reasonable
and a health-positive offer,

she can't say no. Right?

Look, I would talk to her for you,

but I told Badison
I'd no longer be her personal phone case,

so I'm trying to avoid owing favors.

Other than sexual ones to you, of course.

Maybe her face is so scrunched up

because you can't move around.
It's too crowded.

Regular physical exercise
releases facial muscles.

I wouldn't lead with that.
But you got this.

Ooh, Chapman's a real ringer for me.

Could be a double-digit opportunity
for both us.

This game isn't as fun
as I thought it would be.

How many points you got?

I haven't really been keeping track.

What the freight train?
You gotta keep track of your points!

I'm losing interest.

Unacceptable. Mmm-mmm.

Hello. I'm Chapman. I live on your block.

I was wondering
if I could have a minute of your time?

Look, I don't want to step
on anybody's toes,

but I recently spoke with the head of Rec,
and we're bringing back kickball.

And I was wondering if you
or your colleagues would like to join.

I think it's gonna be a lot of fun.

We're gonna get extra blacktop time,

and I also think it will be an opportunity
to get some actual cardio,

because of all of the running bases.

-I know what kickball is.
-Of course. Would you like to sign up?

I retired my kickball shoes.

Would it be okay
if I asked some of the other girls?

It's a free country.

Thank you.

And if you change your mind,
I'm gonna save a spot for you.

Freight train.

On a scale of one to Derek Jeter,
how much do you hate that cookie?

I don't like her, with her clipboard.

No one starts things. I'm the starter.

Why is this powder?

I had to get a little creative.

Whoa!

Creative how?

I mighta used a riot girl
to score from C-Block.

Wait. You used my money
to line the pockets of Carol-Block?

Desperate times.

But a temporary stop-gap,
'cause guess who bagged CO Enders?

Next week this time,
be back in the pill business.

Enders, huh?

How'd you flip her?

Shall I hazard a guess?

I get it. I get it.

I started this business with a rimjob.

Receiving.

I don't kiss ass, with or without tongue.

But I have been known
to shove my foot up one.

You wanna bend over for me?
What are you not saying?

She wants 55%.

Oh. Oh, okay. Well...
Could be worse.

That extra 20% comes out of your cut.

Got it.

Come here. Come. Come here.

Hi.

I don't like it
when I have to be the bad fly.

Guy. Lady.

What do you say we rewind, huh?

This is where you fucking say,
"Yes, ma'am."

Yes. I got you.

Ma'am!

Jesus!

Oh, my God! What are the flies doing here?

I told Tonya to close the lid
on the Dumpster.

Did she clock out?

What did you take?

Do you have more?

My elbow is clicking. You hear that?

Wait. Is your elbow emitting
a high-pitched ringing

not unlike that of a tuning fork?

-'Cause that's the only sound I'm hearing.
-It's like The Addams Family theme song.

I guess we are dialed in
to different stations.

Thanks to you,
those thugs fucked up my hinge joint

and I can't get that fucking song
out of my head.

Oh, shit! You know what song
I'm thinkin' about now?

I know your head hurts and all,

but you did get to stare
into my cave of wonders.

So, you're welcome.

Well, I guess the gratitude part
of my brain must've been damaged

when a bookshelf got slammed onto my head,
because I was helping you.

On your feet, Flores.
Your staycation from gen pop is up.

The fuck?

The doctor said to ice my ribs
and rest for 72 hours.

And I have this click.

A new patient needs the bed,

and you're the least likely to die,
so come on.

Oh, please, God,
let the new girl be in a coma.

I haven't had my after-breakfast pudding.

This ain't the Best Value Inn.
Check out is now.

Come on. You need help gettin' up?

Don't touch.

Oh, no! No!

I see how it is now.

You kick out someone from C-Block
so a deplorable can get the bed.

You outsource our jobs
and repeal our healthcare?

Go away! Go away!

No. No! No!

-Should I call Burch for a Psych consult?
-Help!

No. She's high as a kite.

Let's see how she's doing
when she comes down.

Strap her tightly. Let her ride it out.

Please, you cannot put
this squawking chicken next to me, man.

I have a migraine. I need sleep.

Good luck with that.

- Please help me! No!
- Calm down. It's okay!

Can I get a fucking towel, please?

Give me a sec.

Towels. Towels. Towels.

I just gotta remember where I packed them.

How about this one? The one with "towels"
written on it in Sharpie?

And it's full of books. Of course.

I got the boxes used.

Joe, you could have
fuckin' relabeled.

Why?

I'll know it's books because it's heavy.

Also, when I open it up, I'll see books.

You didn't pull away.

I haven't had my coffee.
My reflexes are compromised.

I am soaked. Find me a towel.

You're comfortable here.

Binge-watching Younger.

Reading Nordic noir in bed.

You take your bra off
the second you walk in the door.

-The ladies like to breathe.
-You see?

I'm finally getting to see
the real Natalie.

It was more convenient to stay here

than to commute back and forth
to Albany every day.

You've been seen sitting across from me
while I eat in public.

Once at a Five Guys.

Relax.

It's like the last days of camp
where everyone becomes best friends

and vows to stay in touch forever.
It'll wear off a week after you're gone.

Speaking of,
wasn't that supposed to be today?

I have one more thing to do.

And I need that shirt.
The rest are in one of these boxes.

One more thing?

Let's do something special
before I leave Monday.

Properly mark the occasion.

You are such a delicate flower.

I was thinking something like
a quickie in the garden

at the FDR Presidential Library?

You so have been saving that up.

Since 11th-grade US history.

It's on my fucket list.

Let me ask you something.

Does this hair say
"wrongfully accused" to you?

Mmm. That hair right there be sayin',

"Moisturize my ends.
Please, Lord! Shea butter my shit."

Why aren't you laughing?
That's funny, talkin' hair.

Come on. I gotta get loose for my show.

Ey! Ey!

Your hair is fine.

I don't know why I'm so nervous.

I mean, Sylvia says
I'm not even gonna be on camera.

'Cause your face would break it.

I'm sorry.

That was low-hangin' fruit.
You right. My bad.

Wait.

I thought you was done with interviews
after the last one?

What you tryin' to do?
Piss off the guards at every prison?

It ain't an interview.

All right?
I have a trial deposition tomorrow.

I thought that wasn't for months?

No, man. Caputo is moving,
so they wanna get his testimony now.

And he agreed to be a character witness
and say nice things about me.

Like how I am not a murderer.

Shit.

And how I don't...
deserve the death penalty.

Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm fine. Just...

My back has been hurting lately.

Probably 'cause of them concrete beds
in Ad Seg.

Might've pinched a nerve.

Vee used to lay on her back
with, like, books under her head.

Said it aligned the spine.

Yeah. Yeah, I could try that.

Yeah.

Can I have one of those?

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Yo, I got jumped for you, remember?

I still got pain.

Trust me, you don't want this.

These are some bath salts
from three years ago.

Sent four girls to Psych
before we got it off the market.

Is that why Barb's in Medical?

You were trying to kill her?

Nah.

Barb's a genuine addict.
She can handle the punch.

I'm just trying
to buy some time is all.

She gets a little R&R in medical.
And I get some time to think.

That's some Iago shit.

You know, the bird from Aladdin?

You don't get it.

Druggie Barb wants to have me killed.

Sober Barb will do it.

You sound paranoid and shit.

This morning, I caught my roommate
messing with my toothpaste.

Damn. That's some messed-up shit.

I'll get Barb's habit covered
with what CO Enders smuggles in, but...

it's not enough for the whole block.

I got no more ideas.

I maybe have an idea.

I already smuggled in jizz.

Jizz?

All right, we're gonna take it
to the left.

-She said left, stupid.
-I went left.

This is left. See? "L" for left.

I'm confused.

Ladies! Let's control our bodies
and remember the dancer's space.

Otherwise, accidents happen
and you end up dancing from a chair.

I won't apologize
for connecting to the music.

Which is why it's important
to maintain proper form.

So that when you are out
and the no-touching rule don't apply,

you can carry on with a partner.

You know what? Hold on.

Oh, okay.

Okay. Put your arms like this.
Let's go.

Oh, wow. Okay. See?

Nobody wants to see you flapping around
like a balloon at a car dealership.

But if you take ownership
of your personal space...

-Okay, relax. Okay?
-Okay.

Just being a man is half of it.

Okay, tuck those hips in.

In, under, okay?

Let's go.

That's right.

Tuck it in. Tuck it in.

See the difference?

Very good.

Yes, move those hips, too.
Move the hips.

There you go! Luschek!

Oh, it's, uh...
I think the song's skipping.

All right. That's how it goes.

Now I'm really confused.

Oh, my goodness.

Okay. Let's, um... let's see those moves.

It takes some getting used to.
The phone and the glass.

Just like the movies, Ma.

It's so good to see you.
Thank you for coming, Vasya.

-I'm sorry I didn't come earlier.
-No, it's fine.

You're here now. That's what's important.

How is Yuri? And Maxsim?

They didn't want to visit
their mamochka in the big house? Hmm?

Well, no, Yuri's good.

He got a trucking job
with Salon du Chocolat.

He's gotta drive at night
when it's cool or else the nougat melts.

So he sleeps during the day.

He got Maxsim a job.
They're always on the road.

As long as they are working, that is good.

Yeah.

Without work, one cannot pull
a fish out of a pond.

Once they get on their feet,
they'll make time for their mother.

You could all come together.

Maybe bring the grandbabies.

They're old enough
to make the drive now, huh?

And your father?
He is good, too?

Yeah, Pop's fine.

I stay with him every once in a while,
but he's barely, uh...

He is also working?

No. Actually, no, Ma.
He doesn't have a job right now.

Why didn't he come with you?
Is he sick?

No, he's okay.
He's got his colitis, but he's okay.

Did you not tell him
I'm ready to see him again?

I told him, Ma. But, um...

I don't think he's ready to see you.

What do you mean?

Ma, he's... he's seeing someone.

A woman.

I don't know. I think he's happy.

Oh, Jesus.

Fuck.

Oh, so that's why no one
has fucking come to see me.

Because you're all covering
for your father's wandering pecker.

Love is not potatoes.
You cannot throw it out a window.

But he's still married.
I did not raise you to look the other way.

Ma, you cut him out.
You cut all of us out.

What did you expect?

I expected him to stay true
to his marriage vows.

"Endure, and you'll fall in love."

That was the romantic proverb
he pledged to me on our wedding day.

You see, this is why no one comes
to visit you. Okay?

To be lectured by Old Country maxims.

You put this glass between us, Ma.

You. No one else. You did it.

You look nice.

Who's the sucker?

I don't need no man to look nice.

It's for my self-esteem and shit.

You gotta envision the life you want
and then manifest it.

So cheetah print is your vision?

You wanna be a rug
in some Saudi guy's house?

First of all, it's leopard.

And like a leopard, I'm fucking adaptable.

Leopards learn to drag their prey into
the trees so that the lions can't get it.

Margarita's real
into nature documentaries.

-Thought you were getting your own place.
-I'm working on it.

Shit's expensive.

They want first and last month,

plus a security deposit,
plus a fucking broker's fee.

And it gotta be a three-bedroom
for the kids.

Look, I maybe got an idea
that could help you get them back faster.

You got any of Cesar's old connects?

We just gotta get around Lassie.

I heard if you dip your underwear
in coyote piss,

you can mask the smell.

What are you talking, mija?
I gotta wear underwear now?

Yeah, 'cause you're gonna be sticking...

up your...

And then you're gonna stash it
in that visitor's bathroom, and I--

Are you fucking crazy?

You want me to end up
back in there with you?

They're my family, too.

You can't leave them in foster care.
You said you needed money.

I'm getting money.

I'm killing it with the Nutri Herbal shit.

I'm about to make Captain's Club
and get a three-day cruise to St. Thomas.

-That's bullshit and you know it.
-No. You're bullshit.

I'm like a leopard.
I learn from my mistakes.

And I ain't gonna let no lion
take away my second chance.

We're back with our new advice segment,
Asking for a Friend.

"Dear AFAF,
I changed my whole life for this person.

I dyed my hair blonde, became a lesbian
and got a tattoo of my lover's name."

Okay, I see the problem.

Okay, my advice is
never get a tattoo of a lover's name.

Also, never use the word "lover."

I mean, have we learned nothing
from Angelina Jolie?

Or Nick Cannon?
Or Johnny Depp?

I mean, just because you change
your tattoo to say "Wino Forever,"

doesn't mean we won't remember
it once said "Winona."

Johnny Depp was knockin'
cowboy boots with Wynonna Judd?

Hmm, love can build a bridge.

Only acceptable name
to tattoo on your body is your mother's.

But, like, don't do that.
That's weird.

Um, just stick to, like, shooting stars
for luck or, like, Bauhaus lyrics.

BRB with more straight-talk-a from Flaca.

And your girl, Tova.

God, can you, like, come up here, please?

My back is jacked. This the only way
the pain is less than seven.

You should get that checked out.

No. I am done with prison doctors
after Gyno Glenn.

Don't be comin' at me
with your judgy face,

gripin' 'bout a yeast infection

when it ain't my choice
to wear polyester panties.

It's like I'm talking to nobody.
I can't find any kind of flow.

This segment is a dud anyway.
It's killing our comedy.

No. We're helping people.

Writing letters when you got
no other option is cathartic and shit.

It's like going to confession
with a priest,

except no one's gonna molest you.

They're everywhere.

They're fucking everywhere.

Please! Please! Please.

They're gonna eat my face off.

Oh, my God. Okay. Okay.

-Who are they?
-The flies.

Hmm. And how do you know
they're gonna eat you?

They told me,
with their little tiny hand-rubbing.

Excuse me.

I was recently appointed
the Lord of the Flies. Okay?

So I happen to know
that they're vegetarian.

Exactly. I'm a carrot.

Okay. Well, that's useful information.
Thank you.

You see that giant green frog over there?

By the plant?

Look! The frog ate him.

Merci beaucoup, Mr. Frog.

May I call you Edward Sutton Weaver III?

Oui.

Cool.

- What if they come back?
- Yeah.

They can't find you
if you're quiet.

They have five eyes.

All right. Look, don't worry.
I'm gonna guide you out of the swamp.

Okay.

First, let's crouch down, okay? Real low.

Lower. Lower.

Thank you so much for helping me.

No fly zone.

Thank you.

This weird thing happened
with Luschek in class.

Weird? Luschek?

-Go on...
-Well...

You know how fear makes Luschek, you know?

Oh, yeah.
I heard about the Chapo. Yeah.

Would you describe me as, um... scary?

No, not really. Like, Mom scary.

Like, I-don't-wanna-disappoint-you scary.

But I don't think he got hard
because of that.

At the time of this boner...

where was his crotch?

Well, it was, like,
grinding into my right thigh.

But it was a teachable moment
for the purpose of dance.

This wasn't a fear boner.

That was a boner-boner.
Luschek is into you.

- Oh, damn. The food is here.
- Let's get you back down.

No.

Doc prescribed Midol
and not getting my ass beat again.

Better to stay here

till someone else fucks up
and those bitches forget about me.

Wait.

Blues did this to you?

All right.

Point those bitches out. I'll--

For what?

End up with undiagnosed
internal bleeding, too?

Nah, that's stupid.

I can go on six days without
eating. That's how I won my first car.

You need to tell a guard or something.

Who?

The one that beats Daya
or the one that beats Taystee?

Must be someone

who doesn't buy into
this alphabet war bullshit.

If I had your ass,
I would ask Luschek.

But I got my Tia Mirna's.

Everybody has their superpowers.

Ay, you stupid.

I need 16 signatures

in order for Luschek to open the yard
for kickball practice.

I canvassed the block all day
and I have three signatures.

Three!

One of which is Beth the Babykiller.

Which is too long of a name
to put on a kickball jersey.

I'll sign up. That makes four.
Quarter way there.

I already forged your signature.

We're engaged. It's legal.

You seem to forget
that I have a busted shoulder.

Might not be much help
in the outfield.

I thought that you could be
designated kicker,

which means I'm actually short 14 spots.

Kickball is classic childhood fun.
Why doesn't anybody wanna play?

Guys? I'm asking you.

Come on, Dwight?

You look like you've... seen sports.

It's not really a great time for me
to be in the vicinity of flying balls.

Balls.

And what's your excuse?

Okay. That's fair.

Oh, man, white girl, I would join,

but I am swamped
with Salsa Fitness by Gloria.

I gotta make lesson plans,
come up with new eight-counts--

Everybody is complaining
about the loss of these cheese jobs

and having nothing to do,

so I offer a little bit of extra time
in the open air--

Well, open air barely visible
through a slatted roof.

Organized sports
are nature's anti-depressants.

Remind me why you give a shit, Pipes.

Because this place sucks.

At night, we're locked in a box,
which is locked in a cage,

which is locked in a windowless compound,
and I cannot do anything to change that.

But I can reinstate kickball.

A small, tiny thing
that will make this place suck less.

Both while I'm here
and for those who come after.

That's actually really nice.

Maybe you could try tetherball?

It doesn't matter
what I choose. Nobody's going to sign up.

I bet Badison's behind this.

She's marking her territory
all over my stuff.

Maybe nobody's signing up
because of this, uh, gang shit.

This block system is totally insane.

I mean, we're supposed to bow down
to those mousey bitches?

Be all C-Block ride or die, no reasons?

That's how Max operates.
Gangs run this place.

Personally, I like having a team.

-You know what is all about teams?
-Please don't say the word "kickball."

It ain't a team
if they're attacking their own.

Ask Blanca.

This is like how they tame elephants
to stay in a box.

First, they tie them with a rope
when they're babies.

And then by the time they're fully grown,
you can keep them in there with a string.

They also savagely beat them
with bullhooks.

I'm not sure how applicable that is
to this situation.

You know what? Busted nose is right.

Gangs trick you into feeling
like you got no other option,

but we each got our own power.

Chapman, you wanna make kickball happen?
Make kickball happen.

These aren't the only bitches
in this prison.

Break the string.

Good morning, Maxinistas!

Oh! Whoa!

Got a whole stack of letters
to get through.

My girl Flaca was right.
Y'all got hella problems.

And, uh, we must be some kind
of advice goddesses.

This one looks interesting.

"Dear Asking for a Friend,
me and my friend got caught up in a thing.

I lied to protect myself
and now my friend is going down for it.

The guilt is killing me.
It's giving me stomach aches.

I think I might have an ulcer.
What should I do?"

Wow.

That's, like, a real pickle
for our poor letter-writer.

I got this one, Tova.

Speak on it, sis.

I got a best friend.

She's in a facility 1,500 miles away,

and I think about her every day.

I think about her
when I'm putting on my makeup

and when I'm taking off my makeup

and when I'm thinking about
what makeup I'm gonna do.

'Cause that's what friends do.

But this letter-writer?

She's a traitor and a hater.

You need to take blame for what you did.

Well, no, I really don't think
she did something.

She said she lied about something.

Yeah, "lied."

Lied about being a person
capable of friendship,

and now her stomach acid is punishing her
because... uh, she's a selfish bitch.

Whoa, whoa. Language.

"Bitch" is fine.

Betty White said it on Hot in Cleveland.

If I met this letter-writer,

I'd say, "There are two things
I don't like about you.

-Your face--"
-Well, sass it down a notch.

Well, this writer should suffocate herself
for making the world a worse place.

What the hell?

You understand
that everything you say here today

is under oath and will be recorded
and may be used during trial?

I do.

Please state your full name
for the court record.

Joseph Salvatore Caputo.

Mr. Caputo, can you describe
the nature of your relationship

with the defendant, Ms. Tasha Jefferson?

Ms. Jefferson was an inmate under my care

at the Litchfield
Correctional Institution.

And you were warden of this facility?

Technically,
the director of human activity

but that's corporate speak.

Ms. Jefferson was also assigned work duty
as my secretarial assistant.

Personally chosen by me, I might add,

due to her placing first
in our mock jobs fair.

How would you describe
your working relationship?

I'd say she was an excellent assistant.

She was very dedicated to her job.

Easy to motivate,
amenable to criticism.

Stubborn, but a great attitude.

She dropped
her fair share of phone calls,

but, in her defense,
the phones could be tricky at Litchfield.

We had a good working relationship.

You ever been to Farmer Cubana?

They have the most incredible
pulled pork sandwich.

It's 9:00 a.m.

That's the beauty of brunch.
If you can have French toast at 2:00,

you can have barbeque
in the morning, you know.

Not a brunch person, or...

I read you should only eat fruit
before 11:00 for the digestion.

Uh, I know this other place.
It's called Urban Soul.

They have this live bluegrass trio,
they're amazing, and bottomless mimosas.

That don't sound fun to me.

Uh, we could go to Costco.
We get a rotisserie chicken

and check out the free Eagles cover band
in the park.

I don't like none of those things.

Come on, I mean, it's...
I have the whole day off.

What do you normally do on the weekends?
You know, with your boyfriends?

Ain't no weekends when you're in sales.
Saturday is my biggest day.

People finally home to open their doors.

What if I bought
what you make on a typical Saturday?

- Four cases.
- Deal.

I meant five. And you gotta pay
for Sunday, too, 'cause of the commute.

All right.

If you're hungry, I know a place
that makes amazing mofongo.

- Mofongo?
- Mofongo. You're gonna love it.

Pendejo, you couldn't give me
another minute?

Yeah, you're a real gentleman, huh?

Yo, be careful with my shit, bro.

Where the hell you been?

I've been callin' you all night.

Is that my shirt?

You pissed it's not on the sidewalk
with all your other shit?

If you'd paid your half, it wouldn't be.

The landlord sent his wife this time,
so I couldn't jerk him off.

My mom's on her way with a U-Haul,

but she got wedged under a bridge,
she gotta wait for a tow truck.

I don't wanna live with your mother.

Good,
'cause you're not invited.

My moms don't trust women.
You gotta find somewhere else.

Yo, be careful with my shit.

Don't just stand there.

Ain't you never seen
somebody be evicted before?

Go get boxes and donuts.

I'm so happy you decided to come.

I'm telling you, it's lovely
to be around people who don't judge you.

And you're sure some D-Blockers
will be in here?

Non-hostile, athletically-inclined ones?

This is a safe space.

"...be thrown into the sea,
with a millstone tied around their neck

than to cause one of these
little ones to stumble."

"So watch yourselves.

If your brother or sister
sins against you, rebuke them,

and if they repent, forgive them."

Religious people are a peaceful people.

-"And even if they sin against you..."
-Not historically.

"...seven times in one day

and come back to you seven times, saying,
'I repent,' you must forgive them."

And what does this mean to you?

I don't know.
I read and re-read this so many times.

I don't know. I think it's kinda bullshit.

I know I'm not supposed
to say that in here,

but it just doesn't make sense.

What about, "Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.
But fool me seven times,

then you deserve what's coming to you?"

And maybe that's the kind of thinking
that got me in here in the first place.

Maybe if somebody messes up
that many times,

it's more about them hurting or something.

And that me retaliating
isn't gonna fix that problem,

only make a new one.

Thank you for sharing, Maria.

Now, would anyone else like to share
their insights...

I have always been partial
to that Maya Angelou quote,

"When people show you who they are,
believe them the first time."

I don't hate that.

When I first got here,

you were really pregnant
and you were kind of nice.

Yeah? Okay, look, we were never friends.

But you didn't hate me at first.

I know I'm supposed to talk about
"The Judgment of Solomon,"

but today, I want to talk about
the Cult of the Holy Virgin.

I told you I googled that.
It's not a real thing.

That is because
the Internet is controlled by men,

and the Cult is for women only.

The Internet
does not want the world to know.

But the man will not keep us down.

We have been cast out for too long.

I'm doing this thing. It's kind of stupid.
I'm starting a kickball league.

Um, I need 16 signatures.
We get extra yard time.

If you wanna, uh, sign up...

It cannot be contained.

It has been too long that our power
and our flower has been ignored.

But what if we took all of the flowers
and combined them,

and the smell would be overpowering,

and it would be a different world,
it would be a smarter world,

it would be the world of gardens?

You were also present
for the riot negotiations,

spearheaded by Ms. Jefferson,
were you not?

Not from the start,
but I was brought in about halfway, yes.

What was your impression of my client
during that time?

She took her role as lead negotiator
very seriously.

She was articulate.
She was prepared with statistics.

It is not easy to go toe-to-toe
with Natalie Figueroa, let me tell you,

but she did.

She was focused on improving
the conditions of the prison,

which is more than I can say
for most of her fellow inmates,

who were just reveling in the...
"the Purge."

Thank you, Mr. Caputo.

I have no more questions.

Mr. Caputo.

It seems you had a very close relationship
with the defendant.

I take my role as rehabilitator
very seriously.

During the defendant's incitement
of the riot,

a crime to which
she has already pleaded guilty,

was there ever a point
where you feared for your life?

No. Never.

Really? Not once during three days
of kidnapping and false imprisonment?

No.

Were you scared when Ms. Jefferson
physically assaulted you?

-I wouldn't say she assaulted me.
-I barely--

My client apologizes.

The former head of public relations at MCC

has testified that he witnessed
Ms. Jefferson punch you in the face,

resulting in blood, quote,
"pouring from your nose."

Did that not happen?

Yes, it did, but--

This was after the defendant,
along with three other inmates,

trapped you in your office
and threatened you

with various homemade prison weapons,

including "a board lined
with rusty nails"?

Could you answer out loud, please,
for the court reporter?

Yes.

Nice try with Enders.

It's too bad she got busted
coming in this morning.

Turns out tucking shit in your undertit

doesn't work so well
after a breast reduction.

And why do women do that, huh?

I mean, outside of cancer, why would
a woman ever make her tits smaller?

Fucking serves her right.

We should start a club.

We're injury buddies.

We were never buddy-buddies.

Not too late to start.

Did you want something, gimpy?

Thought you should know,
your girls are falling down on their job.

Not watching your back like they should.

Why do I need to watch my back?

Heard some inmates talking about a coup.

Trying to undermine your position.
Like Gloria, for one.

Gloria? Which one is Gloria?

What, is she gonna lead
a Dance Dance Revolution?

She gettin' all up on Luschek.

And not because of
his undeniable sexual magnetism.

What's that? You got an eye thing?

I'm saying, she getting close to him
for the wrong reasons.

Your reasons.

What do you think you know?

I'm an appreciator of beauty.

I watch Luschek and when I watch him,
I see what I see.

Like, how every day
he got a different phone.

Understand me?

Oh, I'm starting to overstand.

It's Zirconia, right?

If your intel shakes out,
I might start calling you Diamond.

Actually,
cubic zirconia are optically flawless,

so, you should probably stick
with the "Z" word.

Lady, your real name is Irene.

I call you Diamond, be grateful.

So she's the one who OD'ed,
but it's my fault?

Christ. Firstborn's supposed to be
the responsible one,

so how come I had enough sense
not to get hooked on my own product?

Classic junkie.
It's always somebody else's fault.

Junkie's got nothing to do with it.

Family always blames family.

Yesterday, my son told me
that I'm the reason

my husband is prematurely ejaculating
into a divorcee from Sheepshead Bay.

The problem with family
is expectations.

Unconditional love, my ass-crack.

Gotta earn my affections.
They're not a right.

Exactly. I spent weeks apologizing
to my son, begging him to visit,

when I was the one who grew him
from a speck of nothing.

Fed him milk from my breast
for three fucking years

and now my tits hang like shriveled figs.

"Aw, Mommy, please come visit me.
I'm so sad you only visit Barbie."

Fuck unconditional love.
Hate keeps me warm at night.

In Russia, we have a saying.

"Those who love you
will make you weep.

Those who hate you will make you laugh."

You don't even have to translate that.
I hear you loud and clear.

Sit there. Across from me.

She's my partner now.

Thinking you're a runaway carrot
is nothing.

I remember this one time
I was so fucked up,

I go and I knock on the elevator door
and nobody answers,

I took a shit in the hallway.

Yeah. Reasonable.

And the next morning,

I wake up in bed next to
Katie Buhrmaster's super hairy brother

and I found out that I had sold him

my entire Beanie Baby collection
for one bump.

That doesn't sound so bad.

I had Humphrey the Camel, okay?

And Garcia the Tie-Dyed Bear.

Also, I am gay.

The next morning was the first time
I tried to get sober.

Last time I was sober was, God...
30 years ago.

I was the good daughter.

When I first got here, man, I had ethics.

Strictly sell.

I didn't even touch my own supply until
that rat, Frieda, fucked everything up.

I got added years.
I could've been out by now.

Not dodging assassination attempts
by my own sister.

Well, this place will bring out
your dark side.

Yeah. I learned that the last time
I was here.

You were here?

Fuck. Maybe it really is time
to get sober.

There is too much going on around here
that is getting by me.

Eighth time's the charm.
That's what I'm hoping.

What's the point
of being sober in here, huh?

I mean, nobody wants to feel this.

My guru, Jolene, says
that I am resting up for my next life.

Hopefully as an only child.

I have found that it's a lot easier
to just be present for your current life

rather than constantly trying to score
to shut it out.

Like, uh, saying,
there is no shutting it out.

Also sometimes you gotta do
some really ugly shit to score.

Denning, you've been cleared for meds.

Yeah, I don't need it.

That was colossally bone-headed.

You could've sold that shit.
This is the seller's market.

I brought your favorite.

Simple, but classic.

Here.

They're my apology chips.

My mom said no.

I tried, I swear.

She picked right now
to be this good, lawful person

for the first time in her life.

Maybe we could find somebody else.
You got family or a brother?

I got no one.

Without product,
I got nothing to offer in here,

so it's best to walk away
before you're a target by association.

At camp, I heard that they trained
a chicken to come through the fence.

We don't go outside.

No. But the girls were saying
that they're gonna bring back kickball.

Don't you get it?

If there was a way to bring shit in,
I would've thought of it.

Sometimes you gotta say dumb ideas
to get to a good one.

You want drugs that bad?

Are you that fucking desperate?

It's not about the drugs.

Are you gonna make me say it?

You've been nice to me.

I don't wanna be alone.

Shit.

Is it better if I say sorry
or just not address it?

Oh, it's cool.
I came, like, a bunch of times, too.

Really?

No, stupid.
That took, like, three seconds.

I made you breakfast.

It's a chocolate one, not spinach.

Maybe you could take a container to work.

The other guards might like it.

You know what?
I bet the guys would go nuts for it.

You know, you might even get,
like, three new customers.

Yeah. Great. Three. Hmm.

I'll have my own place in no time.

Hey, I told you,
you can stay here as long as you need.

This ain't big enough for me and my kids.
Plus, your grandmother lives here.

Yeah, but she never comes out.

Listen,
I'm gonna be back around 7:00.

In case maybe you wanna make dinner.

Not in a blender.

And nothing too spicy.
That aggravates Nana's night reflux.

Okay.

Again.

That was so good.

Wow. You're in the groove.
I think that was the best class yet.

It was maybe top three. At most.

Um...

We gotta talk.

I know. I'm sorry.

I didn't know if it was better
to apologize to you after the fact

or pretend like it didn't happen.

Uh, I wasn't talking about that.

No? I mean, me, neither.
What are we talking about?

It's this gang shit.
It's out of control.

And no offense,
but the COs are doing nothing

and people are getting really hurt
in here.

I wouldn't say we're not doing nothing.

I mean, we canceled mixed yard
and put Swope in the SHU.

That don't matter when C's attacking C.
It's gone intra-block now.

I will definitely look into that.

And I will talk to the interim warden,

even though I'm pretty sure
she doesn't give a flying fuck.

Well...

you got charm.

Use it.

You know, you're at least 15 years
too old for him.

I don't know what you're talking about.

If you ever go into that class again,

I'll have Shruti cut out your thyroid
in your sleep.

She was one test away
from being an ENT surgeon.

Feel me?

You need all these books?

I didn't know half the words
those lawyers were saying.

It was like a scene out of Boston Legal.

And then this prosecutor lady
was coming for me.

She tried to paint me as some...
revenge monster.

Broken by the system, my ass.

You got good people on your side, too.

You said your lawyer was hella smart.

I don't know if that's enough.

It was nice to hear all those things
that Mr. Caputo was saying about me.

After all that him and I had been through,

for him to step up like that, man...

He's a good egg.

Hey! Are you okay?

I gotta tell you something.

It's real bad, T.

Come on, now. You know you can tell me.

I...

I got a daughter.

Look, that's cool.

I mean, how old is she?

Thirteen.

She doesn't even know she's my kid.

She thinks she's my sister.

Look, that happens. All right?

Some people think
that Solange is Beyoncé's daughter.

I didn't even tell the dad, neither.

Instead, I lied to protect myself.

He out there walking around,
no clue what could hit him.

I'm in here pretending
like it didn't even happen.

Going on in life like... like...

Like nothing.

I'm sorry, T.
I'm sorry I lied to you.

I'm not a good person.

No.

-I'm not a good person.
-I know you. All right?

There is so much good in you.
You had your reasons.

I'm not a good person, T.

No. All right? No. No.

You are a good egg, too.

I'm not a good person, T.

What do you want?

If you'd answer your fucking phone,
I would tell you.

I can't fucking find it.
It's probably in a box with my towels.

I'm moving, remember?
You banished me to Missouri.

I should've banished you
from opening your mouth,

I didn't think
I needed to tape that shut.

What are you talking about?

I am talking about
being a good employee, Joe!

Toeing the company line

and not fucking the people
who pay your checks.

How is taking a bottom-feeding job
not toeing the company line?

Jack Pearson personally called me
to ask me

why you were on the defense witness list
for Tasha Jefferson.

You are making me look
like a fucking idiot for not firing you.

Are you trying to get me fired?

Linda, it's not about you.

I am trying to do the right thing
by that girl.

Well, this isn't
about the right thing, Joe.

And stop acting
like you're above all this.

Stop acting like you can just do...
whatever you want without consequences.

MCC's dirt is your dirt.

You're MCC.

Yeah.

No. Not anymore.

I quit.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, no, I didn't order this.

Open the book, JonBenét.

Yes! Yay!

Look who got kickball going.

There must've been divine intervention.

Your D-Block friend
got all the church ladies to sign up.

I told you God is real.

Like in that movie they made

based on the kid's memoir
that turned out to be a hoax.

I feel like I should warn you
that I am not a graceful loser.

You didn't get kickball.
You got D-Block kickball.

I just offered it to anybody
who wanted to play.

You said I could ask the other girls.

If Barb's bitches are playing,
we gotta have our own team.

Akers, Creech, Chambal, both Amys,
you're joining kickball.

-Yeah, I call pitcher.
-Damn it!

Can we change it to dodgeball?

Badison, you're in charge.

We can call it
Badison News Bears.

That's stupid.

Great.

Diamond! Yo, you can be base coach.

For real?

If we're gonna do this,

we gotta be smarter this time.