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1
00:00:07,194 --> 00:00:10,194
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
2
00:00:13,866 --> 00:00:16,000
[CAR ENGINE REVVING]
3
00:00:17,132 --> 00:00:19,498
[AMANDA] Stop the fucking car.
4
00:00:19,601 --> 00:00:22,035
Stop the car. Please stop...
5
00:00:22,137 --> 00:00:24,070
[GOLDIE] I'm not stopping.
This is all about you.
6
00:00:24,172 --> 00:00:25,572
[AMANDA] Please, just stop the car.
7
00:00:25,607 --> 00:00:27,340
[GOLDIE] Just settle down.
8
00:00:27,442 --> 00:00:29,808
Get your hands off the
wheel for Christ's sake!
9
00:00:29,910 --> 00:00:31,388
- Just stop the car!
- Nobody's stopping anything.
10
00:00:31,412 --> 00:00:32,978
Turn the car around!
11
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:34,692
I don't wanna do this,
but it's what you need.
12
00:00:34,716 --> 00:00:36,076
What are you doing? Get back here.
13
00:00:36,150 --> 00:00:37,717
Get back here! Get back...
14
00:00:37,818 --> 00:00:39,084
Stop the fucking car.
15
00:00:39,186 --> 00:00:40,720
[TIRES SQUEALING]
16
00:00:40,821 --> 00:00:42,688
[GOLDIE] God damn it.
17
00:00:42,790 --> 00:00:44,056
Jesus, look what you're doing!
18
00:00:44,158 --> 00:00:46,558
Stop it! Let me out!
19
00:00:46,660 --> 00:00:48,004
- Settle down!
- Let me the fuck out!
20
00:00:48,028 --> 00:00:49,694
- Settle down.
- Let me out of the car!
21
00:00:49,797 --> 00:00:52,097
[AMANDA] Let me out of this car!
22
00:00:52,199 --> 00:00:53,799
Let me out!
23
00:00:53,901 --> 00:00:55,768
Let me the fuck out!
24
00:00:55,870 --> 00:00:57,803
- [TIRES SCREECH]
- [GOLDIE] Damn it to hell.
25
00:00:57,905 --> 00:01:00,071
Christ! Ugh, damn it!
26
00:01:00,173 --> 00:01:01,640
Whoa, whoa, hey, take it easy.
27
00:01:01,742 --> 00:01:03,116
- [AMANDA] Oh, God!
- [MAN] Come on.
28
00:01:03,132 --> 00:01:04,632
[AMANDA] Get off me, please!
29
00:01:04,734 --> 00:01:06,300
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Let me go!
30
00:01:06,402 --> 00:01:08,402
Hey, be careful. You're hurting her.
31
00:01:08,504 --> 00:01:10,404
Stop it! I hate you!
32
00:01:10,506 --> 00:01:13,741
I fucking hate you!
33
00:01:13,843 --> 00:01:17,411
[AMANDA] I hate you, Mom!
I fucking hate you!
34
00:01:19,219 --> 00:01:21,219
I hate you too, baby.
35
00:01:23,123 --> 00:01:26,023
♪ Jazzy percussion ♪
36
00:01:26,140 --> 00:01:28,765
♪♪♪
37
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Synced & corrected by reggielist
www.addic7ed.com
38
00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:36,578
[WOMAN] The neighbors say you
were spraying down the kids
39
00:01:36,602 --> 00:01:38,469
in the front yard.
40
00:01:38,571 --> 00:01:40,216
Your cue's coming up.
You better get out there.
41
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:41,806
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
42
00:01:41,908 --> 00:01:43,540
[MAN] Water is water. The kids had fun.
43
00:01:43,643 --> 00:01:46,543
- And I made four dollars.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
44
00:01:46,646 --> 00:01:49,713
[MAN CONTINUES SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
45
00:01:49,815 --> 00:01:51,415
Thirty seconds.
46
00:01:51,517 --> 00:01:53,617
[MAN] ... is two dollars apiece.
47
00:01:53,719 --> 00:01:55,597
[WOMAN] You make me want
to pull my damn hair out.
48
00:01:55,621 --> 00:01:57,721
[MAN] Well, if you do,
I got four dollars
49
00:01:57,823 --> 00:01:59,523
to put towards your new wig.
50
00:01:59,625 --> 00:02:01,224
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
51
00:02:01,327 --> 00:02:02,638
[CONVERSATION CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
52
00:02:02,662 --> 00:02:04,194
♪ Smooth rock music ♪
53
00:02:04,297 --> 00:02:07,697
[WOMAN] ... until there's an actual pool.
54
00:02:07,800 --> 00:02:11,467
[MAN] Oh, I see what this is about.
55
00:02:11,569 --> 00:02:13,904
- [MAN] Last looks.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
56
00:02:14,006 --> 00:02:15,549
[CONVERSATION ON STAGE
CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
57
00:02:15,573 --> 00:02:19,843
♪♪♪
58
00:02:19,945 --> 00:02:21,244
[MAN] And cue Benny.
59
00:02:23,281 --> 00:02:24,880
Hey-ohh!
60
00:02:24,982 --> 00:02:27,883
- It's Benny Time.
- [WILD CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
61
00:02:27,985 --> 00:02:31,621
[MORRIS] Ronald, it's
your Fairy Godmother.
62
00:02:31,723 --> 00:02:34,390
- [RON] Hey, Morris.
- [MORRIS] The network called.
63
00:02:34,492 --> 00:02:36,091
Looks like they finally figured out
64
00:02:36,194 --> 00:02:38,127
who the breakout star of the show is.
65
00:02:38,229 --> 00:02:40,796
They want to make you a regular.
66
00:02:40,898 --> 00:02:43,265
A regular? Are you shitting me?
67
00:02:43,367 --> 00:02:44,934
[MORRIS] Wanna know what I told them?
68
00:02:45,036 --> 00:02:46,676
I mean, I think I know
what you told them.
69
00:02:46,704 --> 00:02:49,157
I told them to go fuck themselves.
70
00:02:49,250 --> 00:02:50,539
Yeah, that's not it.
71
00:02:50,641 --> 00:02:52,641
Then I hung up on them.
72
00:02:52,743 --> 00:02:54,643
You know I live in a closet, right?
73
00:02:54,745 --> 00:02:57,612
[MORRIS] They called back with an offer.
74
00:02:57,715 --> 00:03:00,915
It's $20,000 an episode for 20 episodes.
75
00:03:01,017 --> 00:03:03,385
You do the math.
76
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:07,055
I'm, uh... is that, like, 40...
77
00:03:07,157 --> 00:03:08,857
Or, no, no, like 140...
78
00:03:08,959 --> 00:03:10,759
I'll do the math.
79
00:03:10,861 --> 00:03:14,128
It's 400,000 simoleons, Ronald.
80
00:03:14,231 --> 00:03:16,430
You're rich, you loveable cocksucker.
81
00:03:16,532 --> 00:03:18,967
- Holy shit.
- What did I tell you?
82
00:03:19,069 --> 00:03:21,135
You work hard, you hone your craft,
83
00:03:21,238 --> 00:03:23,537
you pay your dues,
good things will happen.
84
00:03:23,639 --> 00:03:25,940
Yeah, I didn't do any of those things.
85
00:03:26,042 --> 00:03:27,608
[MORRIS] That's not the point.
86
00:03:27,710 --> 00:03:29,943
The point is, who gives a shit, Ronald?
87
00:03:30,045 --> 00:03:31,512
You're rich!
88
00:03:31,614 --> 00:03:33,146
Come on down later, sign the papers.
89
00:03:33,249 --> 00:03:35,349
Remember, we don't validate after five.
90
00:03:35,451 --> 00:03:37,451
[HANGS UP, DIAL TONE]
91
00:03:39,589 --> 00:03:42,155
[SETS PHONE IN CRADLE, RINGER DINGS]
92
00:03:45,427 --> 00:03:48,195
[LAUGHS]
93
00:03:48,297 --> 00:03:51,965
♪ Smooth rock music ♪
94
00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:54,301
You think you could
try to not bomb onstage?
95
00:03:54,403 --> 00:03:56,503
- [LAUGHS]
- Is it gonna be hard?
96
00:03:56,605 --> 00:03:58,483
I bring what I bring. If
they like it, they like it.
97
00:03:58,507 --> 00:04:00,073
If they don't, they don't. [CHUCKLES]
98
00:04:00,175 --> 00:04:01,686
This guy hasn't written
a joke since I met him.
99
00:04:01,710 --> 00:04:02,909
[LAUGHTER]
100
00:04:03,011 --> 00:04:04,343
It's remarkable.
101
00:04:04,446 --> 00:04:06,012
You'd think after all this time...
102
00:04:06,114 --> 00:04:09,015
♪ Things been turning out okay ♪
103
00:04:09,117 --> 00:04:10,983
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUSE]
104
00:04:11,085 --> 00:04:12,619
[RALPH] And can you believe
105
00:04:12,721 --> 00:04:15,154
another racist depiction,
106
00:04:15,256 --> 00:04:16,823
reinforcing the stereotype
107
00:04:16,925 --> 00:04:19,258
that all black people are lazy.
108
00:04:19,360 --> 00:04:21,193
Now, I would have changed the channel,
109
00:04:21,296 --> 00:04:24,130
but the TV was all the
way across the room, so...
110
00:04:24,232 --> 00:04:26,532
In my defense, my recliner was set
111
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:28,534
all the way back to
righteous indignation mode.
112
00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:30,202
[LAUGHTER]
113
00:04:30,305 --> 00:04:32,671
So I am a revolutionary doing my part.
114
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:35,006
[LAUGHS] All right, let's
bring up the next comic.
115
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,375
Come on, fuckhead, where are you?
116
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,511
[KATIE] Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.
117
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,780
[RALPH] ... toured all
over this fair nation.
118
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:43,259
Direct from Los Angeles, California...
119
00:04:43,283 --> 00:04:44,683
[BOTH LAUGH]
120
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,017
A very funny man, mister...
121
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,519
[NICK] Bill Hobbs!
122
00:04:47,621 --> 00:04:50,721
- [WOMAN] Yeah.
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
123
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:53,224
Motherfucker.
124
00:04:53,327 --> 00:04:54,926
[LAUGHTER]
125
00:04:55,028 --> 00:04:56,461
- [GROANING]
- [KATIE] Yeah.
126
00:04:56,563 --> 00:04:58,330
You sure about that, Nick?
127
00:04:58,432 --> 00:05:01,132
- Bill Fucking Hobbs!
- Bill Fucking Hobbs!
128
00:05:01,234 --> 00:05:04,269
[LAUGHTER]
129
00:05:04,371 --> 00:05:06,004
You heard the man.
130
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:09,740
Ladies and gentlemen,
Bill Fucking Hobbs.
131
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:11,509
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
132
00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:13,744
[RALPH LAUGHS]
133
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:16,347
The "Fucking" is on his mama's side.
134
00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:17,849
[APPLAUSE]
135
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:19,517
Come on, Big Red.
136
00:05:19,619 --> 00:05:21,452
- [MAN] Yeah!
- I'm gonna kill him.
137
00:05:21,554 --> 00:05:23,653
[LAUGHS]
138
00:05:23,755 --> 00:05:25,089
Hey, how you doing?
139
00:05:25,191 --> 00:05:26,723
- [MAN] All right.
- [SCATTERED CHEERS]
140
00:05:26,825 --> 00:05:28,437
I was supposed to be
on a little bit later,
141
00:05:28,461 --> 00:05:31,362
seeing as I'm the headliner and all.
142
00:05:31,464 --> 00:05:34,098
But apparently Nick Beverly
is busy tipping a waitress.
143
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,866
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS]
144
00:05:35,968 --> 00:05:37,201
I say why stop at the tip?
145
00:05:37,303 --> 00:05:38,568
Give her the whole thing, Nick.
146
00:05:38,670 --> 00:05:40,003
- [CHEERING]
- [MAN] Yeah!
147
00:05:40,105 --> 00:05:41,316
[BILL] Speaking of small dicks...
148
00:05:41,340 --> 00:05:43,466
- You're funny.
- Mm.
149
00:05:43,842 --> 00:05:45,742
Is that what all that laughing is about?
150
00:05:45,844 --> 00:05:48,612
[LAUGHS] I'm Carla.
151
00:05:48,714 --> 00:05:52,181
And this is my bestest friend, Louise.
152
00:05:52,283 --> 00:05:55,151
Ralph Carnegie at your service, ladies.
153
00:05:55,253 --> 00:05:57,387
Ralph Carnegie.
154
00:05:57,489 --> 00:06:00,523
Are you always so funny?
155
00:06:00,625 --> 00:06:02,525
24/7, baby.
156
00:06:02,627 --> 00:06:04,394
24/7.
157
00:06:04,496 --> 00:06:06,129
[GIGGLES]
158
00:06:06,231 --> 00:06:08,331
[MOANING]
159
00:06:08,433 --> 00:06:11,334
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
160
00:06:11,436 --> 00:06:13,536
♪♪♪
161
00:06:13,638 --> 00:06:17,072
[MOANING INTENSIFIES]
162
00:06:17,174 --> 00:06:19,174
Oh, my...
163
00:06:19,276 --> 00:06:21,176
[MOANING]
164
00:06:21,278 --> 00:06:23,846
♪♪♪
165
00:06:23,948 --> 00:06:26,649
[SIGHS, BREATHING HEAVILY]
166
00:06:26,751 --> 00:06:28,450
♪♪♪
167
00:06:28,553 --> 00:06:31,253
How was that with the tension?
168
00:06:31,355 --> 00:06:32,820
Better.
169
00:06:32,923 --> 00:06:35,723
Mm.
170
00:06:35,825 --> 00:06:38,860
You're gonna be great today.
171
00:06:38,962 --> 00:06:40,395
Thank you.
172
00:06:42,399 --> 00:06:46,333
Wait, are you okay?
173
00:06:46,436 --> 00:06:48,169
Me?
174
00:06:48,271 --> 00:06:49,971
Your face.
175
00:06:50,073 --> 00:06:52,139
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
176
00:06:52,241 --> 00:06:54,141
Now you look kinda tense.
177
00:06:55,478 --> 00:06:57,311
[MOANS SOFTLY]
178
00:06:57,413 --> 00:07:00,381
♪ Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba ♪
179
00:07:00,483 --> 00:07:02,416
♪ Ba-ba, baa ♪
180
00:07:02,518 --> 00:07:05,286
I love how you know right
where I hold all my tension.
181
00:07:05,388 --> 00:07:07,254
[KENNY] And Kenny in the AM
182
00:07:07,356 --> 00:07:09,623
is back with funny lady Cassie Feder,
183
00:07:09,725 --> 00:07:11,725
who is making her television debut.
184
00:07:11,827 --> 00:07:13,472
- Isn't that right, Cass?
- That's right, Kenny.
185
00:07:13,496 --> 00:07:15,762
It's a comedy special called
Girls Are Funny Too.
186
00:07:15,864 --> 00:07:18,132
This Saturday at nine on CBS.
187
00:07:18,234 --> 00:07:20,533
Girls Are Funny Too. Two questions.
188
00:07:20,636 --> 00:07:21,935
One, are they?
189
00:07:22,037 --> 00:07:24,170
And if so, why do I have to ask?
190
00:07:24,272 --> 00:07:26,152
Oh, well, Kenny, we have
a great sense of humor.
191
00:07:26,208 --> 00:07:27,586
If you don't believe
me, you can just ask
192
00:07:27,610 --> 00:07:29,000
any of the women you've slept with.
193
00:07:29,024 --> 00:07:30,376
Bam biscuit!
194
00:07:30,479 --> 00:07:31,845
Couldn't be more wrong. No, no.
195
00:07:31,947 --> 00:07:34,815
Kenny is all business in the sack.
196
00:07:34,917 --> 00:07:37,150
There is no laughing going
on there, little lady.
197
00:07:37,252 --> 00:07:39,018
Well, apparently we're not only funny,
198
00:07:39,121 --> 00:07:41,199
but we know how to keep a
straight face for 90 seconds.
199
00:07:41,223 --> 00:07:43,022
Face mask. That one
is gonna leave a mark.
200
00:07:43,125 --> 00:07:44,857
All right, everybody, Cassie Feder,
201
00:07:44,959 --> 00:07:46,226
Girls Are Funny Too,
202
00:07:46,328 --> 00:07:48,228
Saturday, 9 p.m. on the Tiffany Network.
203
00:07:48,330 --> 00:07:50,563
[GASPS] Be there.
204
00:07:50,665 --> 00:07:53,565
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
205
00:07:53,668 --> 00:07:55,067
♪♪♪
206
00:07:55,169 --> 00:07:56,702
That was a little mean.
207
00:07:56,804 --> 00:07:58,638
Thank you.
208
00:07:58,740 --> 00:08:00,906
♪♪♪
209
00:08:01,009 --> 00:08:04,710
♪ Sitting in a churchyard,
waiting for her ride ♪
210
00:08:04,812 --> 00:08:06,712
♪♪♪
211
00:08:06,814 --> 00:08:08,347
Buckwheat, Stymie,
212
00:08:08,449 --> 00:08:11,016
which one of you can
pull off a 42 regular?
213
00:08:11,118 --> 00:08:13,519
♪♪♪
214
00:08:13,621 --> 00:08:15,220
♪ Well I spoke to God... ♪
215
00:08:15,322 --> 00:08:17,022
Fucking hilarious.
216
00:08:17,124 --> 00:08:19,991
Funniest album since Pryor's
That Nigger's Crazy.
217
00:08:20,093 --> 00:08:22,394
His title, not mine. I hate that word.
218
00:08:22,496 --> 00:08:25,063
Now the bad news is,
you fucked yourself.
219
00:08:25,165 --> 00:08:27,699
You signed a shitty
contract with Ha-Ha Records.
220
00:08:27,801 --> 00:08:29,567
Known scam artists.
221
00:08:29,670 --> 00:08:33,371
The good news is your days
of getting fucked are over,
222
00:08:33,473 --> 00:08:37,208
because here at CMA,
we do all the fucking.
223
00:08:37,310 --> 00:08:38,609
[SCATTERED CHUCKLES]
224
00:08:38,712 --> 00:08:41,212
All right, so does that mean
225
00:08:41,314 --> 00:08:42,980
all of you get ten percent?
226
00:08:43,082 --> 00:08:45,783
Now I only ask because you just said
227
00:08:45,885 --> 00:08:47,618
y'all are the ones
that do all the fucking.
228
00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,588
No, it's just your one agent.
229
00:08:50,690 --> 00:08:53,491
Oh. Oh, okay.
230
00:08:53,593 --> 00:08:56,360
Well, in that case, let's use him.
231
00:08:58,764 --> 00:08:59,974
Say what?
232
00:09:00,045 --> 00:09:01,431
You got it, Chief.
233
00:09:01,533 --> 00:09:03,033
Yeah.
234
00:09:03,135 --> 00:09:05,202
Right on.
235
00:09:05,304 --> 00:09:07,304
[BIRDS CAW, INSECTS CHIRPING]
236
00:09:09,441 --> 00:09:11,374
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE RUMBLES]
237
00:09:25,757 --> 00:09:27,957
- Let's go.
- What the fuck, man?
238
00:09:28,059 --> 00:09:29,326
- Get up.
- I'm entertaining.
239
00:09:29,428 --> 00:09:30,760
I don't care.
240
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:32,606
We gotta be in Tempe
in five hours, let's go.
241
00:09:32,630 --> 00:09:34,474
[SIGHS] What's the big deal?
We got plenty of time.
242
00:09:34,498 --> 00:09:37,333
The big deal is, where the fuck is Nick?
243
00:09:37,435 --> 00:09:39,213
He didn't come home last night.
And you know what?
244
00:09:39,237 --> 00:09:41,270
I'm so tired of babysitting
this guy, and you too.
245
00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:42,839
It's the same thing.
246
00:09:42,941 --> 00:09:44,651
You know, he's probably
out somewhere sniffing coke
247
00:09:44,675 --> 00:09:46,854
out of some hooker's butthole,
and I'm here playing dad,
248
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,310
and I'm tired of it, you know?
249
00:09:48,412 --> 00:09:51,146
I'm funnier than both you losers.
250
00:09:51,249 --> 00:09:53,649
What are you doing?
251
00:09:53,751 --> 00:09:55,951
[NICK] Let's go!
252
00:09:56,053 --> 00:09:58,621
Hey! We should go!
253
00:09:58,723 --> 00:10:01,790
Guys! Yeah, we should go!
254
00:10:01,892 --> 00:10:03,626
Let's hit it, yep.
255
00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:06,027
It was worth it, but I'll
explain in the car, let's go.
256
00:10:06,130 --> 00:10:08,663
- I'll get the bags.
- Yeah.
257
00:10:08,766 --> 00:10:11,699
♪ Cheerful music ♪
258
00:10:11,802 --> 00:10:16,571
♪♪♪
259
00:10:28,418 --> 00:10:30,918
[RON] Hello.
260
00:10:31,020 --> 00:10:33,321
Yeah.
261
00:10:33,423 --> 00:10:35,356
It's not a family car.
262
00:10:35,458 --> 00:10:37,258
♪♪♪
263
00:10:37,359 --> 00:10:39,927
- Ahh. [CHUCKLES]
- Whoa!
264
00:10:40,029 --> 00:10:41,328
How 'bout this?
265
00:10:41,430 --> 00:10:43,063
That's rock.
266
00:10:44,466 --> 00:10:45,966
They shouldn't have.
267
00:10:46,068 --> 00:10:48,035
Must be from the Realtor.
268
00:10:48,137 --> 00:10:49,369
- [CORK POPS]
- Ohh!
269
00:10:49,471 --> 00:10:50,650
Shit.
270
00:10:50,736 --> 00:10:52,973
♪♪♪
271
00:10:53,075 --> 00:10:55,219
Ron, you know you got a tree
growing in your living room?
272
00:10:55,243 --> 00:10:56,588
Yeah, I told you, it's a nice house.
273
00:10:56,612 --> 00:10:57,811
Come on.
274
00:10:57,913 --> 00:11:00,180
- [ADAM] Ohh.
- [RON] Here.
275
00:11:00,282 --> 00:11:05,218
♪♪♪
276
00:11:13,328 --> 00:11:14,527
So they come with the house?
277
00:11:14,629 --> 00:11:15,660
[CHUCKLES]
278
00:11:15,729 --> 00:11:17,307
You see them too?
279
00:11:17,465 --> 00:11:19,732
Five bathrooms. Now this.
280
00:11:19,835 --> 00:11:21,767
Welcome to Casa De Ron, boys.
281
00:11:21,870 --> 00:11:23,469
[BOTH] Mm.
282
00:11:23,571 --> 00:11:25,438
♪♪♪
283
00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:27,039
Is that an erection?
284
00:11:27,141 --> 00:11:28,907
I find it insulting you have to ask.
285
00:11:29,009 --> 00:11:30,776
A real gentleman would just tip his hat.
286
00:11:30,878 --> 00:11:35,881
♪♪♪
287
00:11:37,752 --> 00:11:39,385
- Edgar!
- Yeah?
288
00:11:39,487 --> 00:11:41,920
Someone dragged in dog
shit by the ticket booth.
289
00:11:42,022 --> 00:11:43,655
Don't even bother with the broom.
290
00:11:43,757 --> 00:11:45,490
It's definitely a
hands-and-knees operation.
291
00:11:45,592 --> 00:11:47,159
You gotta be kidding me, man.
292
00:11:47,261 --> 00:11:50,028
I-I gotta go up in an hour.
I can't smell like dog shit.
293
00:11:50,130 --> 00:11:53,498
Hey, I'm not the one who told
you to stop dealing drugs.
294
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:57,202
You wanted to be an honest
man with an honest job.
295
00:11:57,304 --> 00:11:59,537
Now you gotta suffer the consequences.
296
00:11:59,639 --> 00:12:01,317
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- It's always a thing.
297
00:12:01,341 --> 00:12:03,575
Like, white folk, why do
you roll up your windows
298
00:12:03,677 --> 00:12:06,778
when you drive through
our neighborhoods?
299
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:07,912
No, I'm serious.
300
00:12:08,014 --> 00:12:09,313
The window can be cracked
301
00:12:09,416 --> 00:12:11,649
a goddamn half inch,
302
00:12:11,752 --> 00:12:14,952
and you'll roll that motherfucker up,
303
00:12:15,054 --> 00:12:17,321
like it is no tomorrow.
304
00:12:17,423 --> 00:12:18,901
Hey, what do you... what do you think,
305
00:12:18,925 --> 00:12:22,059
we-we sit and we look at a half an inch.
306
00:12:22,161 --> 00:12:26,097
♪♪♪
307
00:12:26,199 --> 00:12:27,798
[LAUGHTER]
308
00:12:27,901 --> 00:12:29,644
Yeah, I could fit through
that. Come on, come on.
309
00:12:29,668 --> 00:12:33,236
Seriously, there's
no part of a black man
310
00:12:33,338 --> 00:12:35,539
that can fit in a half inch of anything.
311
00:12:35,641 --> 00:12:37,140
[LAUGHTER AND CHEERS]
312
00:12:37,242 --> 00:12:38,475
All right, be nice.
313
00:12:40,613 --> 00:12:43,113
Besides, why the fuck is glass a thing
314
00:12:43,215 --> 00:12:44,503
that you think is gonna stop us?
315
00:12:44,581 --> 00:12:48,018
Have you not seen [INDISTINCT]?
316
00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:50,720
Brothers ain't concerned
about no damn glass.
317
00:12:50,822 --> 00:12:53,856
♪♪♪
318
00:12:53,959 --> 00:12:55,992
Is it a soup yet? Huh?
319
00:12:56,094 --> 00:12:59,162
- Oh, yeah, it's soup.
- [CHUCKLES]
320
00:12:59,264 --> 00:13:02,198
- Empty your fucking ashtray!
- [LAUGHTER]
321
00:13:02,301 --> 00:13:04,000
- What?
- Some big dude out front
322
00:13:04,102 --> 00:13:05,701
looking for you from Vegas.
323
00:13:05,804 --> 00:13:07,570
- Whatever.
- Taff or something.
324
00:13:07,672 --> 00:13:10,372
Oh, shit. Send him up to the office.
325
00:13:10,475 --> 00:13:13,810
No way. The front page, huh?
326
00:13:13,912 --> 00:13:17,046
You knocked a local decorated
World War I hero's obituary
327
00:13:17,148 --> 00:13:19,315
all the way back to page ten.
328
00:13:19,417 --> 00:13:22,517
[CASSIE] Hey, he got
his 15 minutes, right?
329
00:13:22,619 --> 00:13:25,854
This show's a big deal,
Cass. We're so proud.
330
00:13:25,957 --> 00:13:27,522
You're the talk of Wink.
331
00:13:27,624 --> 00:13:29,591
Well, it's not the first time.
332
00:13:29,693 --> 00:13:31,860
Well, let's just hope
333
00:13:31,963 --> 00:13:33,895
that you don't steal Denise's thunder.
334
00:13:33,998 --> 00:13:36,031
We'll never hear the end of it.
335
00:13:37,801 --> 00:13:39,701
Hey, are Jesse and the girls still up?
336
00:13:39,803 --> 00:13:42,504
Oh, out like a light.
337
00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:45,740
I, uh...
338
00:13:47,845 --> 00:13:50,111
You'll see them soon enough.
339
00:13:50,213 --> 00:13:53,548
Wait until you see Jesse in
his little ring bearer outfit.
340
00:13:53,650 --> 00:13:56,150
Oh, he is gonna be a
heartbreaker, that one.
341
00:13:59,222 --> 00:14:01,555
We all can't wait to see you, Cass.
342
00:14:01,657 --> 00:14:03,958
It's been too long.
343
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:05,360
Yeah.
344
00:14:07,663 --> 00:14:09,197
[TAFFY] You'd still run day-to-day.
345
00:14:09,299 --> 00:14:11,099
Name would still be up in lights.
346
00:14:11,201 --> 00:14:13,767
You'd just be two mil
heavier. [CHUCKLES]
347
00:14:13,870 --> 00:14:17,638
Well, it's definitely
a generous offer, Taffy.
348
00:14:17,740 --> 00:14:19,206
But why would I sell now
349
00:14:19,308 --> 00:14:20,908
just when things are
getting interesting?
350
00:14:20,977 --> 00:14:23,210
Pick a reason. We
live in troubled times.
351
00:14:23,312 --> 00:14:24,612
You're not getting any younger,
352
00:14:24,714 --> 00:14:26,380
and we're giving you 20 times more
353
00:14:26,482 --> 00:14:28,115
than what you paid for the joint.
354
00:14:28,217 --> 00:14:29,449
[SIGHS]
355
00:14:29,551 --> 00:14:31,985
What's your kid's name again?
356
00:14:32,087 --> 00:14:33,753
What's your point?
357
00:14:33,855 --> 00:14:35,188
I took my kid to Alaska.
358
00:14:35,290 --> 00:14:36,563
We saw a fucking grizzly bear.
359
00:14:36,665 --> 00:14:38,658
It was fucking life-changing.
360
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:41,961
Vegas has been down
this road with LA before.
361
00:14:42,064 --> 00:14:43,963
And that's why there's a Vegas.
362
00:14:44,066 --> 00:14:47,800
Yeah, but now we're good
little boys and girls.
363
00:14:47,903 --> 00:14:50,102
[LAUGHING] Oh, oh.
364
00:14:50,204 --> 00:14:52,104
[CHUCKLES]
365
00:14:52,206 --> 00:14:56,475
Have you ever learned an easy
lesson in your life, Gold?
366
00:14:56,578 --> 00:14:58,811
If life ain't hard, you
ain't doing it right.
367
00:14:58,914 --> 00:15:00,246
[SIGHS]
368
00:15:00,348 --> 00:15:02,415
♪ Gentle piano music ♪
369
00:15:02,517 --> 00:15:05,184
I'm gonna be around for a few days.
370
00:15:05,286 --> 00:15:07,319
Be around town messing around.
371
00:15:07,422 --> 00:15:09,855
If you need to get a
hold of me, let's talk.
372
00:15:09,957 --> 00:15:11,957
Anybody interesting?
373
00:15:12,060 --> 00:15:14,626
Your old pal, Roy Martin.
374
00:15:14,728 --> 00:15:17,563
Roy? What's he doing out of Vegas?
375
00:15:17,665 --> 00:15:19,464
- Carson.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
376
00:15:19,567 --> 00:15:22,668
Seriously, think about what I told you.
377
00:15:22,770 --> 00:15:25,303
Trust me.
378
00:15:25,405 --> 00:15:29,274
Vegas, we make fucking
terrible neighbors.
379
00:15:29,376 --> 00:15:30,810
♪♪♪
380
00:15:30,857 --> 00:15:33,445
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
381
00:15:33,547 --> 00:15:38,550
♪♪♪
382
00:15:42,122 --> 00:15:44,155
[BILL] Looks like my mom taking a shit
383
00:15:44,257 --> 00:15:46,524
while getting banged by a tiny angel.
384
00:15:48,495 --> 00:15:51,395
That's specific.
385
00:15:51,497 --> 00:15:55,399
I can't look at it anymore.
It's making me homesick.
386
00:15:55,501 --> 00:15:58,102
What do you see?
387
00:15:58,204 --> 00:16:00,605
Urine.
388
00:16:01,641 --> 00:16:03,641
Rusty water, tears.
389
00:16:03,743 --> 00:16:05,509
Broken dreams.
390
00:16:05,612 --> 00:16:07,244
Whatever's leaking out of a body
391
00:16:07,346 --> 00:16:09,279
laying on a motel room floor dead
392
00:16:09,381 --> 00:16:11,448
and undiscovered for a week.
393
00:16:11,550 --> 00:16:12,916
♪♪♪
394
00:16:13,018 --> 00:16:14,050
That makes sense.
395
00:16:14,153 --> 00:16:16,720
I see two stupid motherfuckers...
396
00:16:16,822 --> 00:16:18,388
- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- who won't let
397
00:16:18,491 --> 00:16:20,357
another motherfucker sleep.
398
00:16:20,459 --> 00:16:23,827
[LAUGHTER]
399
00:16:23,929 --> 00:16:25,962
Oh, God.
400
00:16:26,064 --> 00:16:28,632
[SIGHS]
401
00:16:28,734 --> 00:16:30,214
Nick, when they said The Tonight Show
402
00:16:30,301 --> 00:16:31,835
was gonna change our lives,
403
00:16:31,937 --> 00:16:33,617
didn't you think they
meant for the better?
404
00:16:33,672 --> 00:16:36,640
♪♪♪
405
00:16:36,742 --> 00:16:39,809
You think Clay saw
something that we didn't?
406
00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:45,181
Well, it sure as fuck
wasn't the "Don't Walk" sign.
407
00:16:45,283 --> 00:16:47,450
♪♪♪
408
00:16:47,552 --> 00:16:49,552
[LAUGHTER]
409
00:16:54,359 --> 00:16:56,892
Damn, that's cold. [LAUGHS]
410
00:16:56,994 --> 00:16:58,994
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
411
00:17:01,132 --> 00:17:02,497
[MAN] Yeah, I think so.
412
00:17:02,599 --> 00:17:04,199
[RON] Oh, Cass.
413
00:17:04,301 --> 00:17:06,234
Whoa. Is that what you're wearing?
414
00:17:06,336 --> 00:17:07,736
Too much?
415
00:17:07,838 --> 00:17:09,398
Eh, looks like you're lactating helium.
416
00:17:09,473 --> 00:17:10,917
What's the big deal?
It's half as much cleavage
417
00:17:10,941 --> 00:17:12,440
as Ron flashed to get his agent.
418
00:17:12,543 --> 00:17:14,309
Well, scrotal cleavage is different.
419
00:17:14,411 --> 00:17:16,744
[CASSIE] Yeah, I think this is him.
420
00:17:16,846 --> 00:17:19,781
I need you two to take this
show on the road and scram.
421
00:17:19,883 --> 00:17:21,516
- Scram?
- She's right.
422
00:17:21,618 --> 00:17:23,685
This agent's gotta think
she's 100 percent career.
423
00:17:23,787 --> 00:17:25,107
That means no boyfriend, no life.
424
00:17:25,189 --> 00:17:27,489
Seeing you here, hovering like you're
425
00:17:27,591 --> 00:17:29,001
waiting on a seat in an
Edward Hopper painting,
426
00:17:29,025 --> 00:17:30,435
it's gonna undo all the hard work I did
427
00:17:30,459 --> 00:17:31,677
putting this thing together.
428
00:17:31,763 --> 00:17:33,161
You too, Ron.
429
00:17:33,262 --> 00:17:34,496
Right. I cast a large shadow.
430
00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:35,739
- Yep.
- Good luck.
431
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:37,598
Thank you.
432
00:17:41,037 --> 00:17:43,037
Are you okay?
433
00:17:43,139 --> 00:17:45,405
Me? Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?
434
00:17:45,507 --> 00:17:48,742
He's only here for the ten percent.
435
00:17:48,844 --> 00:17:51,578
Mm. Well, you're showing 50.
436
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,613
You're awful cute when
you're being ridiculous.
437
00:17:53,716 --> 00:17:55,415
Mm.
438
00:17:55,517 --> 00:17:57,450
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
439
00:17:57,552 --> 00:17:58,885
[ARNIE] Hey, little boy.
440
00:17:58,987 --> 00:18:00,187
Goldie wants to see you.
441
00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:02,455
Me? What about?
442
00:18:02,557 --> 00:18:04,357
She wants you to check
out a mole on her ass.
443
00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:05,791
How the fuck should I know?
444
00:18:05,893 --> 00:18:07,793
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
445
00:18:07,895 --> 00:18:12,898
♪♪♪
446
00:18:18,339 --> 00:18:21,140
[GOLDIE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
447
00:18:23,410 --> 00:18:25,144
You wanted to see me?
448
00:18:25,246 --> 00:18:27,246
Shut the door.
449
00:18:34,388 --> 00:18:35,854
[MUTTERING QUIETLY]
450
00:18:35,956 --> 00:18:38,123
- Should I...
- No.
451
00:18:38,225 --> 00:18:41,760
You working at that
Polish joint tomorrow?
452
00:18:41,862 --> 00:18:43,094
No.
453
00:18:43,196 --> 00:18:44,796
No, I, uh...
454
00:18:44,898 --> 00:18:46,431
I-I was gonna take a shift
455
00:18:46,533 --> 00:18:48,245
because the owner's
sister got strep, but I...
456
00:18:48,269 --> 00:18:49,868
That's fascinating.
457
00:18:49,970 --> 00:18:52,503
I need you to pick up Roy Martin
at the airport tomorrow.
458
00:18:52,605 --> 00:18:55,706
And you can take the club Caddy.
459
00:18:55,809 --> 00:18:58,042
Roy Martin? The Roy Martin?
460
00:18:58,145 --> 00:19:01,679
Mm. In the doughy flesh.
461
00:19:01,782 --> 00:19:03,581
You're kidding, I...
462
00:19:03,683 --> 00:19:06,517
I-I have all his comedy albums.
463
00:19:06,619 --> 00:19:08,118
He's like an idol of mine.
464
00:19:08,220 --> 00:19:10,087
And there's 50 bucks in it.
465
00:19:10,189 --> 00:19:11,955
Roy Martin, shit, I'd do it for free.
466
00:19:12,057 --> 00:19:14,425
Deal.
467
00:19:14,527 --> 00:19:17,060
Arnie's getting his flight information.
468
00:19:19,565 --> 00:19:20,798
Okay.
469
00:19:20,900 --> 00:19:22,333
- [GOLDIE] Okay.
- All right.
470
00:19:22,435 --> 00:19:26,336
Oh, and Roy doesn't know
he's being picked up,
471
00:19:26,438 --> 00:19:30,573
so, uh, don't tell him where
he's going till you get here.
472
00:19:30,676 --> 00:19:33,343
So I'm, what, hijacking him? [CHUCKLES]
473
00:19:33,445 --> 00:19:36,213
Don't get your merit badge all askew.
474
00:19:36,315 --> 00:19:38,048
It'll be fine.
475
00:19:44,155 --> 00:19:45,955
Wait, but you saw Girls Are Funny Too,
476
00:19:46,057 --> 00:19:48,291
but it doesn't air until this Saturday.
477
00:19:48,393 --> 00:19:50,427
William Morris does its homework.
478
00:19:50,529 --> 00:19:52,061
And?
479
00:19:52,163 --> 00:19:54,163
I'm sitting here.
480
00:19:54,265 --> 00:19:58,567
I don't know how all
this agent stuff works.
481
00:19:58,669 --> 00:19:59,869
[CHUCKLES]
482
00:19:59,971 --> 00:20:02,738
Are-are you supposed to be wooing me?
483
00:20:02,841 --> 00:20:05,407
Am I supposed to be wooing you?
484
00:20:05,509 --> 00:20:07,243
Well, there's a tap dance on both sides,
485
00:20:07,345 --> 00:20:09,411
but since you're new, I'll go first.
486
00:20:09,513 --> 00:20:10,913
Okay.
487
00:20:11,015 --> 00:20:13,449
Cassie, you are pretty, you are funny,
488
00:20:13,551 --> 00:20:14,950
and you have got a presence
489
00:20:15,052 --> 00:20:17,453
like a-like a Goldie Hawn in the rough.
490
00:20:17,555 --> 00:20:19,988
I'm a bird dog; I go get the next thing.
491
00:20:20,090 --> 00:20:23,258
Then I guide you, I get
you in all the right rooms.
492
00:20:23,361 --> 00:20:25,126
Then it's your party.
493
00:20:25,229 --> 00:20:27,162
And who's at my party?
494
00:20:27,264 --> 00:20:29,664
Movie producers, television producers,
495
00:20:29,766 --> 00:20:32,133
theater if you're not
into making any money.
496
00:20:32,236 --> 00:20:35,703
You tell me the guest list,
and I make sure they show.
497
00:20:37,674 --> 00:20:40,308
Is this the part where I lie
and say I'll think about it?
498
00:20:40,410 --> 00:20:42,310
[BOTH LAUGH]
499
00:20:42,412 --> 00:20:44,346
You don't have to
play hard-to-get, Cass.
500
00:20:44,447 --> 00:20:46,481
That's what I'm for.
501
00:20:46,583 --> 00:20:50,651
[EDGAR] And I don't even know
why bees sting Mexicans.
502
00:20:50,754 --> 00:20:53,187
Because bees are the
Mexicans of insects.
503
00:20:53,289 --> 00:20:55,356
- Think about it.
- [LAUGHTER]
504
00:20:55,458 --> 00:20:59,560
We show up at barbecues
uninvited, right?
505
00:20:59,662 --> 00:21:02,829
We'll stab you if you ask us to leave.
506
00:21:02,932 --> 00:21:05,099
[GOLDIE] [SLURRING]
Everybody says there's plenty
507
00:21:05,201 --> 00:21:07,801
of blame to go around.
508
00:21:07,904 --> 00:21:11,138
Blah, blah, blah. It's bullshit.
509
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:14,508
You know, in the Wild West,
510
00:21:14,610 --> 00:21:18,312
people used to shoot at buffalo
511
00:21:18,414 --> 00:21:20,947
from the train just 'cause they could.
512
00:21:21,049 --> 00:21:23,517
Just 'cause they were
out there in the open,
513
00:21:23,619 --> 00:21:25,351
unprotected.
514
00:21:25,454 --> 00:21:27,888
♪ Gentle music ♪
515
00:21:27,989 --> 00:21:31,625
Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, you gotta go.
516
00:21:31,727 --> 00:21:34,428
No-no, nurses are busy people.
517
00:21:34,530 --> 00:21:36,762
Busy, busy, busy.
518
00:21:36,864 --> 00:21:39,332
♪♪♪
519
00:21:39,434 --> 00:21:41,301
Could you tell her...
520
00:21:42,537 --> 00:21:44,537
Just tell her...
521
00:21:48,343 --> 00:21:51,210
Tell her, her mother said good night.
522
00:21:51,313 --> 00:21:56,348
♪♪♪
523
00:22:01,989 --> 00:22:03,989
To swimming pools,
524
00:22:04,091 --> 00:22:06,659
movie stars,
525
00:22:06,761 --> 00:22:08,327
and sex.
526
00:22:10,264 --> 00:22:11,563
Oh. Ooh.
527
00:22:11,665 --> 00:22:13,031
That's probably an acquired taste.
528
00:22:13,133 --> 00:22:15,067
- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, you, uh, mind
529
00:22:15,169 --> 00:22:17,169
if Cassie and I watch
her show here tonight?
530
00:22:17,271 --> 00:22:18,903
- Ha.
- That didn't last long.
531
00:22:19,006 --> 00:22:20,205
[CHUCKLES]
532
00:22:20,307 --> 00:22:21,340
All right, shut up.
533
00:22:21,442 --> 00:22:22,907
Hey, look, I love Cassie.
534
00:22:23,010 --> 00:22:25,343
She's great, but, I mean,
come on, man, we're rich.
535
00:22:25,445 --> 00:22:27,111
We're drinking martinis at 9 a.m.
536
00:22:27,213 --> 00:22:28,713
in our silk bathrobes.
537
00:22:28,815 --> 00:22:30,615
You the only one
wearing a silk bathrobe.
538
00:22:30,717 --> 00:22:32,797
Well, is that my fault?
They're hanging in your room.
539
00:22:32,886 --> 00:22:35,019
I mean, look, I can see not
wearing the captain's hat,
540
00:22:35,121 --> 00:22:36,688
'cause that's more of a seasonal thing,
541
00:22:36,790 --> 00:22:38,122
but-but these are so soft.
542
00:22:38,224 --> 00:22:39,535
It's like they're made out of babies.
543
00:22:39,559 --> 00:22:42,159
And we're not rich, by the way. You are.
544
00:22:42,261 --> 00:22:44,228
We're just riding your
coattails until America
545
00:22:44,330 --> 00:22:45,930
pulls its collective
head out of its ass.
546
00:22:45,999 --> 00:22:47,731
You know what you're like?
547
00:22:47,833 --> 00:22:49,367
You're just like Dorothy.
548
00:22:49,469 --> 00:22:51,035
You got these ruby slippers on,
549
00:22:51,137 --> 00:22:53,070
and you could wish for anything,
550
00:22:53,172 --> 00:22:56,440
but all you can wish
for is fucking Kansas.
551
00:22:56,542 --> 00:22:59,142
And what was Dorothy supposed
to wish for, a fucking boat?
552
00:22:59,244 --> 00:23:01,745
Yeah, sure, anything but fucking Kansas.
553
00:23:01,847 --> 00:23:04,080
Thank you, but I happen to like Kansas.
554
00:23:04,182 --> 00:23:06,483
Yeah, well, might wanna think again.
555
00:23:06,585 --> 00:23:09,452
All right, well, what
is that supposed to mean?
556
00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:11,788
Face it, Eddie, I mean,
after Cassie's big premiere,
557
00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:14,257
she's gonna have access to
all kinds of celebrity Wang.
558
00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:16,026
- Mm.
- [EDDIE SCOFFS]
559
00:23:16,128 --> 00:23:17,905
There's no difference
between celebrity Wang and...
560
00:23:17,929 --> 00:23:19,229
regular Wang.
561
00:23:19,331 --> 00:23:22,098
What rock have you
been living under, man?
562
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:24,100
Everybody knows
celebrity Wang is better,
563
00:23:24,202 --> 00:23:26,469
because it's attached
to a fucking celebrity.
564
00:23:26,571 --> 00:23:28,138
I mean, okay, okay, who you gonna blow?
565
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:30,140
You got... you got Al Pacino here.
566
00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:32,508
And then you got Joe the Butcher
right here.
567
00:23:32,610 --> 00:23:36,012
I mean, clearly you're
gobbling Michael Corleone.
568
00:23:36,113 --> 00:23:39,615
I-I hate to say it, but
the man's right, all right?
569
00:23:39,717 --> 00:23:42,117
With Cassie breaking out,
it just ups the competition level.
570
00:23:42,219 --> 00:23:44,264
Now she can fuck all the dudes
that she used to have hanging
571
00:23:44,288 --> 00:23:45,955
in her junior high school locker.
572
00:23:46,057 --> 00:23:47,356
All right, you know what?
573
00:23:47,458 --> 00:23:48,898
I don't have to listen to this shit.
574
00:23:48,926 --> 00:23:50,659
I gotta pick up Roy at the airport.
575
00:23:50,761 --> 00:23:52,761
Enjoy your bathwater and olives.
576
00:23:52,863 --> 00:23:54,763
Come on, Eddie, don't be like that.
577
00:23:54,865 --> 00:23:57,866
There's no place like
anywhere but fucking Kansas.
578
00:23:57,968 --> 00:24:00,835
Hey, Ron, just a heads-up,
579
00:24:00,938 --> 00:24:03,238
you're out of toilet paper
in bathroom number five.
580
00:24:03,340 --> 00:24:05,173
Edgar, for the last time,
581
00:24:05,275 --> 00:24:07,676
you don't fucking live here!
582
00:24:07,778 --> 00:24:10,879
Thank you.
583
00:24:13,516 --> 00:24:16,250
[CHUCKLES]
584
00:24:20,290 --> 00:24:22,290
[CHUCKLES]
585
00:24:24,294 --> 00:24:26,527
You're not jerking off
up there, are you, kid?
586
00:24:26,629 --> 00:24:28,696
[CHUCKLES] No, uh... God, no.
587
00:24:28,798 --> 00:24:31,632
I just, uh... oh, boy.
588
00:24:31,734 --> 00:24:35,136
Full disclosure, this is
a dream come true for me.
589
00:24:35,238 --> 00:24:37,838
I, uh, you know, my mother and I,
590
00:24:37,940 --> 00:24:40,173
we'd stay up late to watch you on Paar,
591
00:24:40,275 --> 00:24:42,375
and, uh, she... we just loved you.
592
00:24:42,478 --> 00:24:44,812
I mean, she has all your albums, I was,
593
00:24:44,914 --> 00:24:46,714
Does this story end
with your mother and I
594
00:24:46,816 --> 00:24:48,548
having slept together in Vegas
595
00:24:48,651 --> 00:24:51,284
and you're trying to tell
me that you're my son?
596
00:24:51,386 --> 00:24:53,253
Because I've already had that car ride.
597
00:24:53,355 --> 00:24:56,022
Yeah, no, uh, my mother,
598
00:24:56,125 --> 00:24:58,057
she-she loved my father, actually.
599
00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,859
But he, he was a tailor my father and...
600
00:24:59,961 --> 00:25:02,562
You already had me after not
having fucked your mother.
601
00:25:02,664 --> 00:25:04,063
Could you...
602
00:25:06,535 --> 00:25:08,968
Okay, you just passed the hotel.
603
00:25:09,070 --> 00:25:10,837
Oh, uh... yeah, sorry.
604
00:25:10,939 --> 00:25:13,139
Um, we just gotta make a stop first.
605
00:25:13,241 --> 00:25:15,207
[CLEARS THROAT]
606
00:25:15,309 --> 00:25:17,844
You wanna tell me what's going on?
607
00:25:20,281 --> 00:25:21,814
I can't, um...
608
00:25:21,916 --> 00:25:25,284
Goldie told me that if
I said anything she...
609
00:25:25,386 --> 00:25:27,253
Oh, Jesus, kid.
610
00:25:27,355 --> 00:25:30,022
Please tell me you
weren't her first choice.
611
00:25:31,792 --> 00:25:34,059
Uh, doubt it.
612
00:25:34,162 --> 00:25:36,728
- And cut on rehearsal.
- Cut on rehearsal.
613
00:25:36,830 --> 00:25:38,631
All right, thanks, everyone.
That's a break.
614
00:25:38,732 --> 00:25:40,832
Hey, uh, Don. A sec here?
615
00:25:40,934 --> 00:25:42,734
Sure. What's up, Rene?
616
00:25:42,836 --> 00:25:45,270
What the fuck is Ron
doing in this scene?
617
00:25:45,372 --> 00:25:46,832
A funeral scene, it's
supposed to be emotional
618
00:25:46,856 --> 00:25:48,090
between me and Tracy.
619
00:25:48,140 --> 00:25:49,488
It is, it is.
620
00:25:49,643 --> 00:25:51,688
Look, we're just using Benny
as a treacle cutter, okay?
621
00:25:51,712 --> 00:25:53,311
You're gonna get your moment,
622
00:25:53,413 --> 00:25:55,580
and Benny's just gonna be
in the background, you know?
623
00:25:55,683 --> 00:25:57,282
Just lightening things up.
624
00:25:57,384 --> 00:25:58,950
- You mean pulling focus.
- No, not...
625
00:25:59,053 --> 00:26:00,885
- If I may, Don.
- Yeah.
626
00:26:00,987 --> 00:26:04,889
Rene, I think what Don
and the writers feel
627
00:26:04,991 --> 00:26:08,859
is that the scene just
needs a little more... oomph.
628
00:26:08,961 --> 00:26:10,428
Oomph?
629
00:26:10,530 --> 00:26:12,197
So the scene where
my wife's grandmother,
630
00:26:12,299 --> 00:26:13,831
the woman that raises her, dies.
631
00:26:13,933 --> 00:26:15,578
We're at her funeral,
and you think that needs
632
00:26:15,602 --> 00:26:17,568
a little, uh... a little more...
633
00:26:17,670 --> 00:26:19,770
Oomph.
634
00:26:19,872 --> 00:26:22,539
The button on your sleeve
gets caught in her blouse,
635
00:26:22,578 --> 00:26:23,898
and then you practically pull her
636
00:26:23,930 --> 00:26:25,776
out of the motherfucking coffin.
637
00:26:25,878 --> 00:26:27,798
You know, I've been
thinking about that one, too.
638
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,357
And you know what could
make it even funnier?
639
00:26:29,381 --> 00:26:30,681
- What?
- Is if what if first
640
00:26:30,783 --> 00:26:32,008
my button gets caught in her wig.
641
00:26:32,032 --> 00:26:33,399
And then you pull that off.
642
00:26:33,452 --> 00:26:35,029
And then when I'm
putting that wig back on,
643
00:26:35,053 --> 00:26:36,631
then the sleeve gets
caught in her blouse,
644
00:26:36,655 --> 00:26:38,455
And then I yank her
halfway out of the coffin.
645
00:26:38,524 --> 00:26:39,656
[BOTH LAUGHING]
646
00:26:39,758 --> 00:26:41,091
That's gold. I love it.
647
00:26:41,193 --> 00:26:42,953
- Yeah, let's do it.
- Take that to the bank.
648
00:26:42,994 --> 00:26:44,361
- [LAUGHS]
- [SIGHS]
649
00:26:44,463 --> 00:26:47,130
[MAN] Actors back in two.
650
00:26:47,233 --> 00:26:49,332
Hi. Sorry to interrupt.
651
00:26:49,434 --> 00:26:52,668
Oh, yeah, no, please. Don't be sorry.
652
00:26:52,771 --> 00:26:55,471
I'm Candy Brinks. Huge fan.
653
00:26:55,573 --> 00:26:57,807
I mean, Benny is so funny and original.
654
00:26:57,909 --> 00:26:59,308
Wow, t-thank you.
655
00:26:59,410 --> 00:27:00,788
I'm-I'm-I'm so glad that you like him.
656
00:27:00,812 --> 00:27:02,812
Me. You know, me, you know?
657
00:27:02,914 --> 00:27:04,313
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
658
00:27:04,415 --> 00:27:06,175
Yeah, well, anyways,
I just wanted to say Hi.
659
00:27:06,251 --> 00:27:09,118
Um, I'm transitioning
from modeling to acting,
660
00:27:09,220 --> 00:27:11,420
so they have me starting at the bottom.
661
00:27:11,483 --> 00:27:12,584
Extra.
662
00:27:12,662 --> 00:27:13,889
Oh, no, are you kidding?
663
00:27:13,991 --> 00:27:15,402
I... personally, I only watch television
664
00:27:15,426 --> 00:27:16,459
for the extras.
665
00:27:16,561 --> 00:27:18,160
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
666
00:27:18,263 --> 00:27:19,795
Yeah, yeah, third lady from the left,
667
00:27:19,897 --> 00:27:21,230
perusing the magazine rack.
668
00:27:21,332 --> 00:27:23,232
That's... that's what I'm focused on.
669
00:27:23,333 --> 00:27:26,501
So have I seen your-your work anywhere?
670
00:27:26,603 --> 00:27:28,536
Um, that depends.
671
00:27:28,639 --> 00:27:30,939
Uh, do you read Penthouse?
672
00:27:31,041 --> 00:27:33,142
Uh, yes, I-I am familiar with Penthouse,
673
00:27:33,244 --> 00:27:35,010
but I only read it for the articles.
674
00:27:35,112 --> 00:27:36,678
I mean, just last week I masturbated
675
00:27:36,781 --> 00:27:38,491
to this Marshall McLuhan
piece on technology.
676
00:27:38,515 --> 00:27:40,415
[LAUGHS] You're terrible.
677
00:27:40,517 --> 00:27:42,384
Yeah, ain't I though?
678
00:27:42,486 --> 00:27:45,619
So I imagine you're, uh,
you're a writer for the magazine?
679
00:27:45,721 --> 00:27:47,554
Oh, my God, you're too much.
680
00:27:47,657 --> 00:27:49,156
No, I was, um...
681
00:27:49,258 --> 00:27:51,625
I was Pet of the Month last December.
682
00:27:51,727 --> 00:27:53,661
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
683
00:27:53,763 --> 00:27:56,062
- Miss December, wow.
- Yeah.
684
00:27:56,165 --> 00:27:58,365
Is there a Mr. December?
685
00:27:58,467 --> 00:27:59,866
Not yet.
686
00:27:59,968 --> 00:28:01,101
[CHUCKLES]
687
00:28:03,471 --> 00:28:05,172
[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
688
00:28:05,274 --> 00:28:06,706
Ta-da.
689
00:28:06,809 --> 00:28:08,008
[CHUCKLING] Hey-ey-ey!
690
00:28:08,110 --> 00:28:10,310
Ha ha. Roy. Look at you.
691
00:28:10,412 --> 00:28:11,611
Yeah, yeah, Hi.
692
00:28:11,713 --> 00:28:13,479
- Okay.
- Scotch all right?
693
00:28:13,581 --> 00:28:15,348
Scotch is always all right.
694
00:28:15,450 --> 00:28:16,883
How's Caroline?
695
00:28:16,985 --> 00:28:18,384
Caroline?
696
00:28:18,486 --> 00:28:20,152
That was three pairs of shoes ago.
697
00:28:20,254 --> 00:28:21,521
Pick up a trade.
698
00:28:21,623 --> 00:28:23,623
[CHUCKLES] Oh.
699
00:28:25,794 --> 00:28:27,159
So you wanna tell me
700
00:28:27,261 --> 00:28:29,429
what the fucking hijacking's all about?
701
00:28:32,066 --> 00:28:34,733
Well, I had a talk with
our old friend Taffy.
702
00:28:34,836 --> 00:28:37,102
They wanna buy me out.
703
00:28:37,205 --> 00:28:38,603
Two mil.
704
00:28:38,706 --> 00:28:40,239
- I heard.
- Oh.
705
00:28:40,341 --> 00:28:43,242
[CHUCKLES] Let me guess, you said no.
706
00:28:43,344 --> 00:28:45,811
That's funny to you?
707
00:28:45,913 --> 00:28:48,013
It's Vegas, Goldie.
708
00:28:48,115 --> 00:28:50,382
It's not the welcome wagon dropping by.
709
00:28:50,484 --> 00:28:52,517
Take the dough.
710
00:28:53,253 --> 00:28:55,153
What are you doing here
in Los Angeles, huh?
711
00:28:55,255 --> 00:28:57,856
Don't give me this Carson nonsense.
712
00:29:01,528 --> 00:29:04,463
Any chance of getting a little ice?
713
00:29:10,904 --> 00:29:13,204
They're gonna crush you.
714
00:29:13,306 --> 00:29:15,039
[CHUCKLES] Oh, man.
715
00:29:15,141 --> 00:29:17,575
If I had a nickel. [CHUCKLES]
716
00:29:17,677 --> 00:29:20,411
Eh, they want to go
into business with me.
717
00:29:20,513 --> 00:29:22,513
My name and their money.
718
00:29:24,884 --> 00:29:26,617
You got a location?
719
00:29:26,719 --> 00:29:28,619
More like a noose.
720
00:29:28,721 --> 00:29:30,821
Westwood, Pasadena.
721
00:29:30,923 --> 00:29:34,625
And if you don't budge, down the block.
722
00:29:34,727 --> 00:29:37,327
They're gonna surround
you and choke you out.
723
00:29:39,131 --> 00:29:40,597
It's your own fault.
724
00:29:40,699 --> 00:29:43,000
You're too fucking good at what you do.
725
00:29:43,102 --> 00:29:46,904
[CHUCKLES] Thanks for
filling in the blanks.
726
00:29:47,606 --> 00:29:50,573
Hell... I knew you when.
727
00:29:53,112 --> 00:29:56,413
You don't supposed you'd be
up for dinner tonight, huh?
728
00:29:56,515 --> 00:29:57,980
I mean, it's the least you could do
729
00:29:58,082 --> 00:30:00,717
after I spent all that
money on gas kidnapping you.
730
00:30:03,187 --> 00:30:05,021
[CHUCKLES]
731
00:30:05,123 --> 00:30:07,290
What the hell is this?
732
00:30:07,392 --> 00:30:08,825
[MEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]
733
00:30:08,927 --> 00:30:10,527
These are all-purpose glasses.
734
00:30:10,629 --> 00:30:13,529
- Are you kidding me?
- That's a lot of champagne.
735
00:30:13,631 --> 00:30:16,265
Un-fucking-believable.
736
00:30:16,367 --> 00:30:18,067
Look at this.
737
00:30:18,169 --> 00:30:20,202
Told her it was gonna be just us.
738
00:30:20,305 --> 00:30:22,545
[RON] Listen, man, we need
more cases of champagne, okay?
739
00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:24,151
Otherwise this thing's not gonna work.
740
00:30:24,175 --> 00:30:25,619
For this party to be truly memorable,
741
00:30:25,643 --> 00:30:27,043
no one can fucking remember it.
742
00:30:27,145 --> 00:30:29,145
- [EDDIE] Hey, Ron. Ronald?
- Yes, sir?
743
00:30:29,247 --> 00:30:31,713
- What is all this?
- Uh, well, isn't it obvious?
744
00:30:31,816 --> 00:30:33,348
We're having a fucking party, Eddie.
745
00:30:33,451 --> 00:30:35,216
[EDDIE] Come on, we had
a whole conversation.
746
00:30:35,319 --> 00:30:37,052
What is this? Did you bring this?
747
00:30:37,154 --> 00:30:38,386
- Yeah.
- Aww.
748
00:30:38,489 --> 00:30:40,221
What the fuck is wrong with you?
749
00:30:40,324 --> 00:30:42,958
That was... that was a perfectly
good Polish deli platter.
750
00:30:43,060 --> 00:30:44,771
Yeah, congratulations on being
the first person in history
751
00:30:44,795 --> 00:30:46,605
to ever utter those words
in the same sentence.
752
00:30:46,629 --> 00:30:48,096
What'd you get married or some shit?
753
00:30:48,198 --> 00:30:50,131
This is supposed to
be an intimate evening.
754
00:30:50,233 --> 00:30:52,100
Well, there's been a change of plans.
755
00:30:52,202 --> 00:30:55,270
Now it's about me having sex with this.
756
00:30:55,372 --> 00:30:57,650
What's the big deal? You've
had sex with tons of magazines.
757
00:30:57,674 --> 00:31:00,108
No, no, no, my friend.
Not the photograph.
758
00:31:00,210 --> 00:31:02,143
The woman.
759
00:31:02,245 --> 00:31:04,211
Miss December.
760
00:31:04,313 --> 00:31:05,813
Okay, I'm not that good at math,
761
00:31:05,915 --> 00:31:08,516
but I'm pretty sure that
that doesn't go into that.
762
00:31:08,586 --> 00:31:09,895
I don't have time for negativity.
763
00:31:09,919 --> 00:31:11,389
- What?
- Look, man, ugh...
764
00:31:11,521 --> 00:31:13,521
We talked about this.
We talked all about this.
765
00:31:13,623 --> 00:31:15,255
I had no choice. I invited Candy,
766
00:31:15,358 --> 00:31:17,570
and then the cast heard, and
then you can't invite the cast
767
00:31:17,594 --> 00:31:19,193
without inviting the fucking crew.
768
00:31:19,295 --> 00:31:21,395
All right, I understand.
This is your house, okay?
769
00:31:21,497 --> 00:31:23,897
But can you just, I don't know,
770
00:31:24,000 --> 00:31:26,933
let Cassie have her
moment and not have it be
771
00:31:27,036 --> 00:31:28,802
all about you meeting someone from your
772
00:31:28,904 --> 00:31:30,270
jerk-off Hall of Fame?
773
00:31:30,373 --> 00:31:32,239
No problemo. Cal's coming.
774
00:31:32,341 --> 00:31:34,008
- The agent?
- Yeah.
775
00:31:34,110 --> 00:31:35,609
Big Hollywood party, champagne.
776
00:31:35,711 --> 00:31:36,943
All for Cassie's premiere.
777
00:31:37,045 --> 00:31:38,645
It's gonna impress the shit out of him.
778
00:31:38,747 --> 00:31:40,246
Man has already got a boner.
779
00:31:40,348 --> 00:31:41,948
That I do. Thank you.
780
00:31:42,050 --> 00:31:44,484
See, that's how you inquire
about another man's boner.
781
00:31:44,586 --> 00:31:47,521
Not as a question, but
as a statement of fact.
782
00:31:56,131 --> 00:31:58,131
Yeah. Good!
783
00:32:06,841 --> 00:32:08,674
Hey, babe.
784
00:32:08,776 --> 00:32:11,677
[SIGHS] What now, Sid?
785
00:32:13,714 --> 00:32:16,281
[SIGHS]
786
00:32:16,383 --> 00:32:17,950
[SIGHS]
787
00:32:18,052 --> 00:32:21,153
I just talked to our daughter.
788
00:32:21,255 --> 00:32:23,689
And?
789
00:32:23,791 --> 00:32:26,291
The thing with you two.
790
00:32:26,393 --> 00:32:28,393
Thing? There is no thing.
791
00:32:28,495 --> 00:32:30,395
Come on.
792
00:32:30,497 --> 00:32:32,208
You don't have to come
at me with guns blazing.
793
00:32:32,232 --> 00:32:33,598
I want to help.
794
00:32:33,700 --> 00:32:36,000
She's your daughter for Christ's sake.
795
00:32:36,103 --> 00:32:37,402
It's... you know, it's not...
796
00:32:37,504 --> 00:32:39,837
It's-it's-it's not right, Gold.
797
00:32:39,940 --> 00:32:42,040
I'm not the one gumming up the works.
798
00:32:42,141 --> 00:32:43,340
[GRUNTS]
799
00:32:43,443 --> 00:32:46,510
She doesn't wanna talk. [SIGHS]
800
00:32:55,789 --> 00:32:57,989
Maybe I could change that.
801
00:32:58,091 --> 00:33:00,291
Maybe I could talk to her.
802
00:33:04,263 --> 00:33:07,298
Eh, I think maybe that
ship's already sailed.
803
00:33:10,035 --> 00:33:12,436
So let me help.
804
00:33:14,607 --> 00:33:15,906
[SIGHS] Okay.
805
00:33:17,710 --> 00:33:19,710
Good.
806
00:33:21,814 --> 00:33:23,001
Could I?
807
00:33:23,047 --> 00:33:24,164
Sure.
808
00:33:35,026 --> 00:33:36,459
[CHUCKLES]
809
00:33:36,561 --> 00:33:39,195
[EXHALES]
810
00:33:39,297 --> 00:33:40,830
Um...
811
00:33:42,334 --> 00:33:44,000
I got a call.
812
00:33:46,104 --> 00:33:47,470
Vegas.
813
00:33:47,572 --> 00:33:50,139
I told them I held no sway.
814
00:33:52,243 --> 00:33:54,110
What'd they promise you?
815
00:33:54,211 --> 00:33:55,444
Ooh.
816
00:33:56,648 --> 00:34:00,415
They said I could open for Tom Jones
817
00:34:00,518 --> 00:34:03,452
two months at the Flamingo.
818
00:34:06,157 --> 00:34:09,057
If I could get you to come
to Vegas for a sit-down.
819
00:34:09,160 --> 00:34:10,992
[LAUGHS]
820
00:34:11,094 --> 00:34:13,094
[CLEARS THROAT]
821
00:34:18,302 --> 00:34:20,536
I could make it happen.
822
00:34:22,305 --> 00:34:24,039
Amanda, I mean.
823
00:34:24,141 --> 00:34:26,274
You do this for me,
824
00:34:26,376 --> 00:34:28,609
I could discharge her
for a couple hours.
825
00:34:28,712 --> 00:34:31,279
I could have her here tonight even.
826
00:34:31,381 --> 00:34:34,149
What the fuck, Gold?
827
00:34:34,250 --> 00:34:35,583
- Get out.
- What?
828
00:34:35,686 --> 00:34:37,285
Get out!
829
00:34:37,387 --> 00:34:40,288
What, you come in here and
use your own daughter as bait?
830
00:34:40,390 --> 00:34:42,490
Yeah, 'cause God forbid
there'd be something in it
831
00:34:42,592 --> 00:34:43,952
for someone other than you, right?
832
00:34:44,026 --> 00:34:45,786
That's right, Sid, go
ahead, stick to the gun
833
00:34:45,861 --> 00:34:47,628
you just shot yourself in the foot with.
834
00:34:47,730 --> 00:34:49,730
Get the fuck out!
835
00:34:51,701 --> 00:34:53,967
Tom Jones!
836
00:34:54,070 --> 00:34:55,836
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
837
00:34:55,938 --> 00:34:58,471
[JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]
838
00:34:58,574 --> 00:35:00,207
Tough crowd.
839
00:35:00,309 --> 00:35:03,010
Tough crowd calls for
an even tougher soda.
840
00:35:03,112 --> 00:35:06,346
♪♪♪
841
00:35:06,448 --> 00:35:07,581
[GULPS]
842
00:35:07,683 --> 00:35:09,249
- [CHUCKLES]
- Tougher soda.
843
00:35:09,351 --> 00:35:10,783
What the fuck does that even mean?
844
00:35:10,885 --> 00:35:12,919
Blow me. The commercial is national.
845
00:35:13,021 --> 00:35:14,787
Every time it airs,
it gets me a foot further
846
00:35:14,889 --> 00:35:16,089
away from you two.
847
00:35:16,191 --> 00:35:18,391
Big Red, the pop with pow.
848
00:35:18,493 --> 00:35:19,526
[MUFFLED EXPLOSION]
849
00:35:19,628 --> 00:35:22,061
- With pow!
- [LAUGHTER]
850
00:35:22,163 --> 00:35:23,963
Hey, Bill, what's a soul
going for these days?
851
00:35:24,032 --> 00:35:25,510
You thinking about laying
off the blow tonight,
852
00:35:25,534 --> 00:35:26,877
Keith Richards, or is total incoherency
853
00:35:26,901 --> 00:35:28,057
your big closer?
854
00:35:28,104 --> 00:35:29,635
Why don't you relax, Big Red?
855
00:35:29,738 --> 00:35:31,503
You see a needle sticking out of my arm?
856
00:35:31,606 --> 00:35:34,473
Welcome boys. Ha ha. I'm Willy Speers.
857
00:35:34,575 --> 00:35:37,343
I own this tub.
858
00:35:37,445 --> 00:35:39,145
- Hey, I'm Bill.
- Bill!
859
00:35:39,247 --> 00:35:40,847
- Willy.
- Nick Beverly.
860
00:35:40,949 --> 00:35:44,182
- Nick. Ha.
- Carnegie. Ralph Carnegie.
861
00:35:44,285 --> 00:35:46,151
Carnegie.
862
00:35:46,254 --> 00:35:47,986
Is that a Negro name?
863
00:35:48,088 --> 00:35:50,256
Technically, it was a gift
864
00:35:50,358 --> 00:35:53,692
given to my great-grandfather
by the people who owned him.
865
00:35:55,429 --> 00:35:57,796
That's funny. You should use that.
866
00:35:57,898 --> 00:36:01,366
[LAUGHS] Well, we got one rule.
You're not in LA.
867
00:36:01,468 --> 00:36:03,601
And we got no profanity.
868
00:36:03,703 --> 00:36:05,937
State law. Plus, we're a family joint.
869
00:36:06,039 --> 00:36:08,840
We get a lot of kids and a lot
of old farts eating in here.
870
00:36:08,942 --> 00:36:11,109
Now, I may have rules,
871
00:36:11,211 --> 00:36:13,311
but we still like to have fun.
872
00:36:13,413 --> 00:36:16,814
[CHUCKLES] I will yell and do
shit to you while you're up.
873
00:36:16,916 --> 00:36:18,816
Get the audience jazzed.
874
00:36:18,918 --> 00:36:20,851
You serious? You're
talking about heckling?
875
00:36:20,953 --> 00:36:22,253
You're gonna heckle the comics?
876
00:36:22,355 --> 00:36:24,054
The audience heckles.
877
00:36:24,157 --> 00:36:26,223
Think of me as more of a warm-up act.
878
00:36:26,326 --> 00:36:29,527
Um, Willy, this is
going on during our act?
879
00:36:29,629 --> 00:36:32,830
[CHUCKLES] Trust me, you'll
need me with this bunch.
880
00:36:32,932 --> 00:36:34,899
Ooh, I got a good
feeling about this one.
881
00:36:35,001 --> 00:36:36,801
- [WILLY] Have a good show!
- Yeah.
882
00:36:36,903 --> 00:36:38,803
[GOLDIE] The hell is Arnie?
883
00:36:38,905 --> 00:36:41,238
Would somebody please make
sure that he sees this note?
884
00:36:41,340 --> 00:36:43,373
Please, please, please. Thank you.
885
00:36:43,475 --> 00:36:46,177
Don't suppose you're
gonna watch tonight.
886
00:36:46,279 --> 00:36:49,079
You're still a producer.
887
00:36:49,182 --> 00:36:50,925
Yeah, well, getting screwed
doesn't feel any better
888
00:36:50,949 --> 00:36:53,617
just 'cause they roll
your name in the credits.
889
00:36:53,719 --> 00:36:55,385
What about you, you ready?
890
00:36:55,487 --> 00:36:57,521
[INHALES DEEPLY] Yeah, I...
891
00:36:57,623 --> 00:37:00,791
I feel like I've been
ready for a while now.
892
00:37:00,892 --> 00:37:03,527
You can kiss anonymity good-bye.
893
00:37:03,629 --> 00:37:05,895
Primetime, Saturday night.
894
00:37:05,997 --> 00:37:08,497
Like being on Carson an entire week.
895
00:37:12,304 --> 00:37:14,704
Just know that I know
896
00:37:14,806 --> 00:37:16,726
that none of this would
have happened without you
897
00:37:16,774 --> 00:37:18,574
and this place.
898
00:37:18,676 --> 00:37:21,077
[SIGHS] That's bullshit.
899
00:37:21,179 --> 00:37:23,546
You're just like me.
900
00:37:23,648 --> 00:37:26,248
Same snarl, different bite.
901
00:37:26,351 --> 00:37:28,317
I'm taking that as a compliment.
902
00:37:28,419 --> 00:37:30,886
That's how I meant it.
903
00:37:30,988 --> 00:37:34,724
I'm proud of you. You got balls.
904
00:37:34,826 --> 00:37:36,992
And you can't have a
cooch in this business,
905
00:37:37,094 --> 00:37:38,594
you don't have balls.
906
00:37:38,696 --> 00:37:41,096
- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- I'll remember that.
907
00:37:44,768 --> 00:37:46,567
[LAUGHTER]
908
00:37:46,669 --> 00:37:49,670
Seriously, why are any
of you still living here?
909
00:37:49,772 --> 00:37:51,272
Look, you can trust me on this,
910
00:37:51,374 --> 00:37:52,852
the railroad's not
coming through here, okay?
911
00:37:52,876 --> 00:37:56,277
Not now, not ever.
912
00:37:56,379 --> 00:37:58,913
I heard John Steinbeck
came here for inspiration,
913
00:37:59,015 --> 00:38:01,148
but he left 'cause
he got too bummed out.
914
00:38:01,251 --> 00:38:03,116
You know, your town is like
915
00:38:03,218 --> 00:38:05,185
a Grapes of Wrath amusement park.
916
00:38:05,287 --> 00:38:06,754
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
917
00:38:06,856 --> 00:38:08,389
Yeah, come on, man. Is that necessary?
918
00:38:08,491 --> 00:38:10,524
- This concern you?
- Yeah, just my jokes
919
00:38:10,626 --> 00:38:12,893
work better without the child abuse.
920
00:38:12,995 --> 00:38:14,461
[LAUGHTER AND GROANS]
921
00:38:14,563 --> 00:38:15,763
[CROWD CHEERING]
922
00:38:15,865 --> 00:38:17,598
[DRUM ROLL]
923
00:38:17,700 --> 00:38:19,065
[MAN] Get him, Willy!
924
00:38:19,167 --> 00:38:20,867
You some kind of smart aleck?
925
00:38:20,969 --> 00:38:22,802
Who me? No. No, no, no.
926
00:38:22,905 --> 00:38:24,537
I'm, uh, no smart aleck.
927
00:38:24,639 --> 00:38:26,406
I'm, uh, just a guy watching another guy
928
00:38:26,508 --> 00:38:27,948
yank his son's arm out of the socket
929
00:38:27,976 --> 00:38:29,287
'cause he spilled his fucking soda.
930
00:38:29,311 --> 00:38:31,644
That's who I am.
931
00:38:31,746 --> 00:38:33,346
What'd I say about obscenities?
932
00:38:33,448 --> 00:38:35,147
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- The obscenities.
933
00:38:35,249 --> 00:38:36,949
Obscenities. What did you say?
934
00:38:37,051 --> 00:38:38,411
Oh, you said don't fucking do 'em.
935
00:38:38,486 --> 00:38:40,686
Uh, you think that my
saying the word fuck,
936
00:38:40,789 --> 00:38:42,622
that's the problem, right?
937
00:38:42,724 --> 00:38:44,435
I'd hate to be the one
to introduce thinking
938
00:38:44,459 --> 00:38:46,191
into the conversation,
but you might wanna
939
00:38:46,294 --> 00:38:48,127
wake the fuck up, Big Willy.
940
00:38:48,229 --> 00:38:51,163
You are mad at a word. A word.
941
00:38:51,265 --> 00:38:54,066
Richard Nixon brought
this country to its knees,
942
00:38:54,168 --> 00:38:56,268
and not in the way that
Willy likes with his sister.
943
00:38:56,370 --> 00:38:59,038
This guy wore that shirt to get laid.
944
00:38:59,140 --> 00:39:01,040
What the fuck?
945
00:39:01,142 --> 00:39:03,442
The world that you know
is burning to the ground,
946
00:39:03,544 --> 00:39:05,344
but this genius, he's mad about a word.
947
00:39:05,446 --> 00:39:07,679
How much coke did he do
before he got onstage?
948
00:39:07,781 --> 00:39:09,981
- [NICK] Double down.
- About that much.
949
00:39:10,083 --> 00:39:11,428
[NICK] Oh, my goodness, I hear it.
950
00:39:11,452 --> 00:39:12,651
Do you hear that?
951
00:39:12,753 --> 00:39:14,586
If you listen real close,
952
00:39:14,688 --> 00:39:16,988
I think you can hear it.
953
00:39:17,090 --> 00:39:19,290
There is a train coming.
954
00:39:19,392 --> 00:39:22,694
[IMITATES TRAIN CHUGGING]
Fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a.
955
00:39:22,796 --> 00:39:25,363
Fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a,
fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a.
956
00:39:25,465 --> 00:39:27,410
Fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a,
Fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a-fuck-a.
957
00:39:27,434 --> 00:39:28,967
Fuck you!
958
00:39:29,069 --> 00:39:30,601
Fuck you!
959
00:39:30,703 --> 00:39:32,370
- Fuck you!
- [CROWD CHEERS]
960
00:39:32,472 --> 00:39:34,805
- Fuck you!
- That's enough!
961
00:39:34,907 --> 00:39:37,141
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Yeah?
962
00:39:37,243 --> 00:39:38,742
Says fucking who?
963
00:39:38,845 --> 00:39:40,611
Says me.
964
00:39:40,713 --> 00:39:42,746
- [CROWD CHEERS]
- [LAUGHS]
965
00:39:44,851 --> 00:39:46,416
Ha ha! Hey!
966
00:39:46,519 --> 00:39:47,885
Look at that.
967
00:39:47,987 --> 00:39:50,387
Where's that big mouth
now, tough guy, huh?
968
00:39:50,490 --> 00:39:52,089
Ooh, Cletus, you gotta back up.
969
00:39:52,191 --> 00:39:55,192
That breath smells like
if shit took a sauna.
970
00:39:55,294 --> 00:39:56,638
Hey, man, there's no need for that.
971
00:39:56,662 --> 00:39:59,096
Step the fuck back now.
972
00:39:59,198 --> 00:40:00,464
Leave him alone, asshole.
973
00:40:00,565 --> 00:40:02,532
I don't mean no disrespect.
974
00:40:02,634 --> 00:40:04,868
- Just keep cool, all right?
- Keep cool?
975
00:40:04,970 --> 00:40:07,037
What, you think I'm one
of your jive friends?
976
00:40:07,973 --> 00:40:09,606
- [LAUGHS]
- Get the fuck off me.
977
00:40:09,708 --> 00:40:11,708
Stay there, Bill.
978
00:40:11,810 --> 00:40:13,410
[LAUGHS]
979
00:40:13,512 --> 00:40:15,444
So you run this motley outfit?
980
00:40:15,547 --> 00:40:17,580
Listen, my friend acted poorly in there.
981
00:40:17,682 --> 00:40:19,448
- Mm-hmm.
- And he knows that.
982
00:40:19,551 --> 00:40:22,785
What do you say we just
leave? No harm, no foul.
983
00:40:22,888 --> 00:40:24,532
It sounds to me like
you're trying to interfere
984
00:40:24,556 --> 00:40:25,755
with my arrest.
985
00:40:25,857 --> 00:40:28,457
I'm trying to end this civilly.
986
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:29,859
[LAUGHS]
987
00:40:29,961 --> 00:40:31,271
Motherfucker will you please... come on!
988
00:40:31,295 --> 00:40:32,794
- [GROANING]
- Ralph...
989
00:40:32,897 --> 00:40:34,263
[RALPH] Get your hands off me.
990
00:40:34,365 --> 00:40:36,465
Get me out of this fucking car!
991
00:40:36,567 --> 00:40:39,535
Get your fucking hands off me.
I served this country in Nam!
992
00:40:39,637 --> 00:40:41,603
- Get your hands off him!
- Explains why we lost.
993
00:40:41,658 --> 00:40:42,845
- [NICK] Fuck you!
- Fuck you!
994
00:40:42,876 --> 00:40:44,140
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
995
00:40:44,242 --> 00:40:46,342
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
996
00:40:46,444 --> 00:40:48,343
- [CASSIE] Oh, my God.
- [EDDIE] I know, right?
997
00:40:48,445 --> 00:40:51,179
Are you sure you're okay
with this being a big party?
998
00:40:51,281 --> 00:40:53,015
I know you wanted it
to be a small affair.
999
00:40:53,116 --> 00:40:54,983
[CASSIE] Yeah, this is so fun.
1000
00:40:55,085 --> 00:40:57,452
I mean, I know it was my idea
to have it just the two of us,
1001
00:40:57,555 --> 00:40:59,588
but this is amazing, and Cal's coming?
1002
00:40:59,690 --> 00:41:01,890
[EDDIE] Yes, he is, according to Ron.
1003
00:41:01,992 --> 00:41:03,832
[RENE] This is a pretty
nice pad for a mailman.
1004
00:41:03,927 --> 00:41:06,428
Yeah, man, it's amazing what
20 grand an episode will buy.
1005
00:41:06,530 --> 00:41:08,408
I mean, I can only imagine
what your place looks like,
1006
00:41:08,432 --> 00:41:09,531
what you must pull in.
1007
00:41:09,632 --> 00:41:12,800
Same as you. Twenty Gs.
1008
00:41:12,902 --> 00:41:15,170
Really?
1009
00:41:15,272 --> 00:41:17,205
Really.
1010
00:41:17,307 --> 00:41:18,806
Cool. Cool. Yeah, right on.
1011
00:41:18,908 --> 00:41:20,741
- Is it? Is it?
- Yeah, no, I just...
1012
00:41:20,843 --> 00:41:22,788
You know, I thought it might
be more 'cause you're the lead.
1013
00:41:22,812 --> 00:41:24,557
- You would think.
- I didn't know if it was...
1014
00:41:24,581 --> 00:41:26,513
Oh, there's Candy.
There's... Candy's here.
1015
00:41:26,616 --> 00:41:28,215
- Ahh!
- Hey.
1016
00:41:28,317 --> 00:41:29,984
Oh, I'm so glad you made it.
1017
00:41:30,086 --> 00:41:31,452
I'm glad I made it too.
1018
00:41:31,554 --> 00:41:33,353
Excuse me, guys. Candy's here.
1019
00:41:33,456 --> 00:41:35,923
May I use your little
girl's room for a sec?
1020
00:41:36,025 --> 00:41:38,592
Of course, uh, there's
actually five restrooms,
1021
00:41:38,694 --> 00:41:40,394
so you can... you can pee all night.
1022
00:41:40,496 --> 00:41:43,397
- No way she's with you.
- Yeah. Yep.
1023
00:41:43,499 --> 00:41:45,665
- Miss December, Penthouse.
- No way.
1024
00:41:45,767 --> 00:41:47,267
- Way.
- What's her name?
1025
00:41:47,369 --> 00:41:49,403
- Candy.
- It's like her parents knew.
1026
00:41:49,505 --> 00:41:51,371
- She's a walking sex fantasy.
- Fuck.
1027
00:41:51,474 --> 00:41:53,206
So what's your plan?
What are you gonna do?
1028
00:41:53,308 --> 00:41:54,628
Sex. I'm gonna have sex with her.
1029
00:41:54,676 --> 00:41:55,942
- Yeah.
- And then, you know,
1030
00:41:56,044 --> 00:41:57,510
probably some awkward conversation.
1031
00:41:57,613 --> 00:41:58,990
- Sure.
- And feign mutual interests.
1032
00:41:59,014 --> 00:42:00,614
More sex.
1033
00:42:00,716 --> 00:42:02,460
No, you can't just have
regular guy sex with her.
1034
00:42:02,484 --> 00:42:05,384
She's a Penthouse Pet. You
need to add some pizzazz.
1035
00:42:05,487 --> 00:42:07,053
- Pizzazz?
- Yeah.
1036
00:42:07,155 --> 00:42:08,321
Like what?
1037
00:42:08,423 --> 00:42:10,156
I don't... like...
1038
00:42:10,258 --> 00:42:11,690
a Bengal tiger.
1039
00:42:11,792 --> 00:42:13,471
Okay, I'm not-I'm not
sure we have time for that.
1040
00:42:13,495 --> 00:42:15,728
You got anything a
little more reasonable?
1041
00:42:15,830 --> 00:42:17,930
How much champagne do you have?
1042
00:42:18,032 --> 00:42:20,065
Tons.
1043
00:42:20,168 --> 00:42:22,067
You're gonna need more.
1044
00:42:22,170 --> 00:42:23,669
♪♪♪
1045
00:42:23,771 --> 00:42:25,004
[GENTLE PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
1046
00:42:25,106 --> 00:42:26,571
You sure this is a restaurant
1047
00:42:26,674 --> 00:42:29,174
and not some guinea elephant graveyard?
1048
00:42:29,276 --> 00:42:31,276
You be nice.
1049
00:42:31,378 --> 00:42:34,279
Chef went through a lot of
bother to open these cans.
1050
00:42:34,381 --> 00:42:37,382
Well, I'd ask for a doggy
bag, but I like my dog.
1051
00:42:37,484 --> 00:42:38,651
[CHUCKLES]
1052
00:42:38,753 --> 00:42:43,721
♪♪♪
1053
00:42:47,894 --> 00:42:48,960
What?
1054
00:42:49,062 --> 00:42:50,795
Cut the bullshit.
1055
00:42:50,897 --> 00:42:52,764
What's the capacity?
1056
00:42:52,866 --> 00:42:55,534
Two-fifty if we grease the fire marshal.
1057
00:42:55,636 --> 00:42:57,902
The owner hit an iceberg
about six months ago.
1058
00:42:58,004 --> 00:43:00,471
He's been trying to dump
the lease ever since.
1059
00:43:00,573 --> 00:43:02,674
What about Vegas?
1060
00:43:02,776 --> 00:43:05,576
What about Vegas?
1061
00:43:05,679 --> 00:43:09,446
They're very good to me.
Always have been.
1062
00:43:09,549 --> 00:43:11,382
What are they offering?
1063
00:43:13,019 --> 00:43:17,754
Twenty-eighty, but I don't
have to do shit but perform.
1064
00:43:17,856 --> 00:43:19,657
Mm.
1065
00:43:19,758 --> 00:43:21,458
I'll go seventy-thirty.
1066
00:43:21,561 --> 00:43:24,395
Headline here the first month.
1067
00:43:24,497 --> 00:43:26,830
One week a month from then on.
1068
00:43:28,701 --> 00:43:31,635
So I'm gonna fuck my Vegas
brand for a ten percent bump?
1069
00:43:31,737 --> 00:43:33,670
Take the two million, Goldie.
1070
00:43:36,041 --> 00:43:38,508
What is it, Roy? Hmm?
1071
00:43:38,610 --> 00:43:41,845
The terms or Vegas?
1072
00:43:41,947 --> 00:43:45,148
Between you and I, we know
just about every comic,
1073
00:43:45,250 --> 00:43:49,018
every talent agent in the business.
1074
00:43:49,120 --> 00:43:51,487
We could really make a go of this place.
1075
00:43:53,958 --> 00:43:57,193
Let me explain it so you understand.
1076
00:43:57,295 --> 00:44:00,196
Vegas is gonna swallow you whole
1077
00:44:00,298 --> 00:44:02,532
and shit out the seeds.
1078
00:44:02,634 --> 00:44:04,900
All right, thought I was
preaching to the converted.
1079
00:44:05,002 --> 00:44:06,635
Okay, well, then convert me.
1080
00:44:06,738 --> 00:44:08,237
Hmm? Why Santa Monica?
1081
00:44:08,339 --> 00:44:10,039
It's a shithole.
1082
00:44:10,141 --> 00:44:11,685
Yeah, a shithole by the
beach that they're about...
1083
00:44:11,709 --> 00:44:13,242
- A shithole by the beach.
- Yes.
1084
00:44:13,344 --> 00:44:15,144
Oh, you should put that on the sign.
1085
00:44:15,246 --> 00:44:18,180
And they are about to pour
a shitload of money into it.
1086
00:44:18,282 --> 00:44:21,316
Trust me, it's gonna be a tourist pull.
1087
00:44:21,418 --> 00:44:23,685
Oh, okay, so we're-we're
a tourist attraction now.
1088
00:44:23,787 --> 00:44:25,254
Is that what we are?
1089
00:44:25,356 --> 00:44:26,921
Tourists go home eventually.
1090
00:44:27,023 --> 00:44:31,059
Places like Detroit,
Chicago, Boston, New York.
1091
00:44:31,161 --> 00:44:34,263
All cities just waiting for
something a little funnier
1092
00:44:34,365 --> 00:44:36,598
than what they got.
1093
00:44:36,700 --> 00:44:38,466
Come on, you wouldn't be here now
1094
00:44:38,568 --> 00:44:40,802
if the time wasn't right for expanding.
1095
00:44:40,904 --> 00:44:45,006
♪♪♪
1096
00:44:45,108 --> 00:44:47,976
Roy...
1097
00:44:48,078 --> 00:44:52,147
Vegas can't strangle what it
can't get its hands around.
1098
00:44:56,118 --> 00:44:57,752
Sixty-forty.
1099
00:44:57,853 --> 00:45:00,120
And I want my own
driver when I'm out here.
1100
00:45:00,222 --> 00:45:02,089
You hit a few parked cars drunk,
1101
00:45:02,191 --> 00:45:04,292
and automatically
everyone wants to infringe
1102
00:45:04,394 --> 00:45:06,059
on your civil liberties.
1103
00:45:06,162 --> 00:45:08,829
Get me that elf with
the infectious grin.
1104
00:45:08,931 --> 00:45:12,032
Eddie. Eddie it is.
1105
00:45:12,134 --> 00:45:14,334
Good.
1106
00:45:14,436 --> 00:45:16,336
[GROANS]
1107
00:45:16,438 --> 00:45:18,405
[TV ANNOUNCER] CITGO
extra range motor oil.
1108
00:45:18,507 --> 00:45:20,908
- [CASSIE] Oh, man.
- [EDDIE] How you feeling?
1109
00:45:21,010 --> 00:45:22,843
- I don't know.
- Am I late?
1110
00:45:22,945 --> 00:45:25,378
Ah, no, you're right on time.
1111
00:45:25,480 --> 00:45:26,847
Hi, come sit.
1112
00:45:26,949 --> 00:45:28,159
You look wonderful, wonderful.
1113
00:45:28,214 --> 00:45:29,799
Thanks.
1114
00:45:29,984 --> 00:45:31,718
- You mind if I, uh...
- Nope, nope.
1115
00:45:31,820 --> 00:45:33,320
- Here you go.
- Thanks so much.
1116
00:45:33,422 --> 00:45:34,999
This is the agent that
I was telling you about.
1117
00:45:35,023 --> 00:45:36,389
I appreciate it. Oh, my gosh!
1118
00:45:36,491 --> 00:45:37,791
- I know.
- The big night.
1119
00:45:37,892 --> 00:45:39,526
- [MOUTHING]
- Are you so excited?
1120
00:45:39,628 --> 00:45:42,329
- You must be just thrilled.
- I'm very excited.
1121
00:45:42,431 --> 00:45:46,065
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
1122
00:45:46,167 --> 00:45:47,599
[TV ANNOUNCER] From CBS Studios
1123
00:45:47,702 --> 00:45:49,435
in Hollywood, California,
1124
00:45:49,537 --> 00:45:52,404
it's Girls Are Funny Too.
1125
00:45:52,506 --> 00:45:54,740
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
1126
00:45:54,843 --> 00:45:56,976
Thank you for coming.
1127
00:45:57,078 --> 00:45:58,477
[TV ANNOUNCER] Starring...
1128
00:45:58,579 --> 00:46:00,446
[NEWS ANNOUNCER] We interrupt your
1129
00:46:00,548 --> 00:46:02,914
regularly scheduled program
for this special report.
1130
00:46:03,016 --> 00:46:05,784
What you're seeing is
the devastation left behind
1131
00:46:05,886 --> 00:46:07,386
from a category five tornado
1132
00:46:07,488 --> 00:46:09,087
that landed in Bixby, Oklahoma,
1133
00:46:09,189 --> 00:46:10,723
just miles from Tulsa.
1134
00:46:10,825 --> 00:46:12,725
The devastation continues to mount,
1135
00:46:12,827 --> 00:46:15,260
along with the death toll,
as the twister,
1136
00:46:15,363 --> 00:46:18,330
one of five known, winds its way north.
1137
00:46:18,431 --> 00:46:21,199
Much of Tulsa County
is currently without power,
1138
00:46:21,301 --> 00:46:23,368
and tornado warnings
are still in effect,
1139
00:46:23,470 --> 00:46:25,048
making search and rescue
operations very dangerous.
1140
00:46:25,072 --> 00:46:26,504
- That's terrible.
- Yeah.
1141
00:46:26,606 --> 00:46:28,082
[NEWS ANNOUNCER] Ten known deaths...
1142
00:46:31,078 --> 00:46:34,111
[PHONE RINGING DISTANTLY]
1143
00:46:34,213 --> 00:46:37,248
[KEYS JANGLING, DOOR RATTLES]
1144
00:46:43,857 --> 00:46:45,122
You.
1145
00:46:45,224 --> 00:46:47,224
[SNIFFS]
1146
00:46:49,028 --> 00:46:50,827
[GROANS]
1147
00:46:53,966 --> 00:46:56,400
What about him?
1148
00:46:56,502 --> 00:46:59,203
What about him?
1149
00:46:59,305 --> 00:47:01,305
He can sweat it out.
1150
00:47:05,544 --> 00:47:07,444
[SIGHS]
1151
00:47:07,546 --> 00:47:09,546
[PHONE RINGS DISTANTLY]
1152
00:47:14,052 --> 00:47:17,086
[DOOR CLANGING, CLOSES]
1153
00:47:17,188 --> 00:47:18,488
[GRUNTS]
1154
00:47:18,590 --> 00:47:19,989
[MAN] [LAUGHS]
1155
00:47:20,091 --> 00:47:24,060
All alone now. All alone.
1156
00:47:26,965 --> 00:47:29,332
[NEWS ANNOUNCER] A local
church in nearby Stillwater,
1157
00:47:29,434 --> 00:47:31,234
St. Joseph the Worker,
where several families
1158
00:47:31,336 --> 00:47:34,203
were riding out the
tornado has collapsed,
1159
00:47:34,306 --> 00:47:37,106
trapping the families seeking
refuge under the rubble.
1160
00:47:37,208 --> 00:47:39,508
Are you fucking kidding me?
1161
00:47:39,610 --> 00:47:41,121
[NEWS ANNOUNCER] Very little
is known at this time.
1162
00:47:41,145 --> 00:47:42,978
I mean, are you fucking shitting me?
1163
00:47:43,080 --> 00:47:44,780
[EDDIE] Cass, Cass.
1164
00:47:44,882 --> 00:47:47,315
Hey, it's called Tornado Alley,
you know what I mean?
1165
00:47:47,417 --> 00:47:49,651
It's not fucking
Chance of Showers Alley.
1166
00:47:49,753 --> 00:47:51,519
It's in the fucking title.
1167
00:47:51,621 --> 00:47:53,902
You don't like wind, fucking
get the fuck out of the city.
1168
00:47:53,957 --> 00:47:56,991
I'm not gonna relax, and
I'm not up-I'm not upset.
1169
00:47:57,093 --> 00:47:59,594
This isn't a fucking salmonella outbreak
1170
00:47:59,696 --> 00:48:01,328
- at the Polish deli.
- No.
1171
00:48:01,377 --> 00:48:03,376
Once again, my life has been preempted
1172
00:48:03,422 --> 00:48:04,631
by a fucking tragedy...
1173
00:48:04,733 --> 00:48:06,000
Tough night, Cass.
1174
00:48:06,102 --> 00:48:07,435
... that I had no fucking hand in.
1175
00:48:07,536 --> 00:48:08,970
Minor setback. It's gonna be okay.
1176
00:48:09,072 --> 00:48:11,072
- Talk to you in a day or two.
- Okay, great, yeah.
1177
00:48:11,134 --> 00:48:12,463
I'll wait by the phone tomorrow.
1178
00:48:12,525 --> 00:48:14,475
Hey, is this still the comedy show?
1179
00:48:14,577 --> 00:48:17,211
These girls don't look
funny. They look dead.
1180
00:48:17,313 --> 00:48:20,347
Hello? Am I bothering you?
1181
00:48:20,449 --> 00:48:23,450
[DISTANT MUSIC, CHATTER]
1182
00:48:30,926 --> 00:48:32,693
[EDDIE] There she is,
1183
00:48:32,795 --> 00:48:35,661
Calamity Jane.
1184
00:48:35,763 --> 00:48:37,730
Well, I'd like to say
that that was the premiere
1185
00:48:37,832 --> 00:48:39,165
of Girls Are Crazy Too,
1186
00:48:39,267 --> 00:48:40,811
but I think we both
know that's not true.
1187
00:48:40,835 --> 00:48:42,835
Yeah.
1188
00:48:44,739 --> 00:48:46,739
It's understandable.
1189
00:48:46,841 --> 00:48:49,442
Who wouldn't be upset?
1190
00:48:49,544 --> 00:48:51,611
Think Mother Teresa would
have gone on that rant
1191
00:48:51,713 --> 00:48:54,446
if her special was
preempted by innocent deaths?
1192
00:48:54,549 --> 00:48:56,749
[CHUCKLES]
1193
00:48:56,851 --> 00:48:58,651
Well, you had a bad moment.
1194
00:48:58,753 --> 00:49:00,553
Huh.
1195
00:49:00,655 --> 00:49:02,522
I don't know if it would be worse
1196
00:49:02,624 --> 00:49:04,557
thinking it and not saying it.
1197
00:49:06,828 --> 00:49:10,029
You think I'm terrible?
1198
00:49:10,131 --> 00:49:12,064
No.
1199
00:49:12,166 --> 00:49:14,299
We're not our worst moments.
1200
00:49:14,402 --> 00:49:16,402
Hopefully.
1201
00:49:18,506 --> 00:49:20,506
Thanks for being so supportive.
1202
00:49:25,712 --> 00:49:28,413
Please don't do that.
1203
00:49:28,639 --> 00:49:29,764
Do what?
1204
00:49:31,217 --> 00:49:33,451
You just...
1205
00:49:33,554 --> 00:49:36,454
You make me sound like an afterthought.
1206
00:49:36,557 --> 00:49:38,790
Like I'm some kinda coda
to your ups and downs.
1207
00:49:38,892 --> 00:49:40,458
For saying that you're supportive?
1208
00:49:40,561 --> 00:49:42,493
Yeah, it feels like a pat on the head.
1209
00:49:43,763 --> 00:49:45,829
Is this because I gave your seat to Cal?
1210
00:49:45,932 --> 00:49:48,132
Oh, was that not a shitty thing?
1211
00:49:48,234 --> 00:49:49,674
Should I not feel shitty about that?
1212
00:49:49,769 --> 00:49:51,235
I need an agent, Eddie.
1213
00:49:51,337 --> 00:49:53,604
I thought you of all people
would understand that.
1214
00:49:53,706 --> 00:49:55,473
Well, maybe that's the problem.
1215
00:49:55,575 --> 00:49:59,577
Maybe I don't really want to
feel like all people with you.
1216
00:49:59,679 --> 00:50:01,078
Are you jealous?
1217
00:50:02,381 --> 00:50:03,847
You seriously think I'm jealous?
1218
00:50:03,950 --> 00:50:05,482
- Well, I...
- Why?
1219
00:50:05,585 --> 00:50:08,018
Why, because I don't have my own show?
1220
00:50:08,120 --> 00:50:11,321
Or The Main Stage? Or agents chasing me?
1221
00:50:11,423 --> 00:50:13,857
Look, I know I work
in a deli, wait tables,
1222
00:50:13,960 --> 00:50:16,259
perform at The Cellar at 2 a.m.
1223
00:50:16,361 --> 00:50:17,660
in front of three people.
1224
00:50:17,762 --> 00:50:19,963
I'm good with that.
1225
00:50:20,065 --> 00:50:22,199
Look, nobody roots
harder for you than I do.
1226
00:50:22,301 --> 00:50:23,567
I know that, I know.
1227
00:50:23,668 --> 00:50:24,988
So I will happily take a backseat
1228
00:50:25,070 --> 00:50:26,436
to where we are in our careers,
1229
00:50:26,538 --> 00:50:29,172
but in our relationship, no fucking way.
1230
00:50:36,481 --> 00:50:39,582
You know what would
be nice for a change?
1231
00:50:39,684 --> 00:50:41,517
How 'bout you following me outside
1232
00:50:41,620 --> 00:50:44,386
after I've had a shit day?
1233
00:50:44,489 --> 00:50:47,023
That would be nice.
1234
00:50:47,125 --> 00:50:50,025
♪ Funk music ♪
1235
00:50:50,128 --> 00:50:51,360
♪♪♪
1236
00:50:51,462 --> 00:50:53,362
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
1237
00:50:53,464 --> 00:50:58,467
♪♪♪
1238
00:51:01,071 --> 00:51:04,673
♪ I've been let down,
I've been turned around ♪
1239
00:51:04,775 --> 00:51:08,043
I've never been in a
champagne Jacuzzi before.
1240
00:51:08,145 --> 00:51:09,645
- Few have.
- Mm.
1241
00:51:09,747 --> 00:51:12,247
I had the staff drain
the water out and...
1242
00:51:12,349 --> 00:51:13,581
Oh, yeah?
1243
00:51:13,684 --> 00:51:15,250
And pour a bunch of cases of bubbly in.
1244
00:51:15,352 --> 00:51:18,020
Mm.
1245
00:51:18,122 --> 00:51:19,554
♪ Didn't get me down ♪
1246
00:51:19,657 --> 00:51:20,755
Mm.
1247
00:51:20,857 --> 00:51:23,124
♪ I go wild ♪
1248
00:51:23,226 --> 00:51:24,359
Mmm.
1249
00:51:24,461 --> 00:51:27,828
♪♪♪
1250
00:51:27,930 --> 00:51:30,431
[LAUGHS]
1251
00:51:30,534 --> 00:51:32,933
That would be my penis.
1252
00:51:33,036 --> 00:51:35,570
Our penis.
1253
00:51:35,672 --> 00:51:36,837
That's what I meant.
1254
00:51:36,939 --> 00:51:38,105
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
1255
00:51:38,207 --> 00:51:40,207
[MOANING]
1256
00:51:45,581 --> 00:51:47,715
- Yeah.
- My vagina.
1257
00:51:47,817 --> 00:51:49,483
- You mean "our vagina."
- Ohh, no!
1258
00:51:49,585 --> 00:51:52,186
It fucking burns! Fuck, fuck, it burns!
1259
00:51:52,288 --> 00:51:54,188
[SCREAMING]
1260
00:51:54,290 --> 00:51:56,657
♪♪♪
1261
00:51:56,758 --> 00:51:58,091
That's not good.
1262
00:51:58,194 --> 00:52:00,294
It fucking burns! I'm fucking hurt!
1263
00:52:00,396 --> 00:52:01,628
Oh, my God!
1264
00:52:01,730 --> 00:52:04,964
[CROWD CHEERING]
1265
00:52:05,067 --> 00:52:06,933
I'll save you.
1266
00:52:07,035 --> 00:52:08,735
♪♪♪
1267
00:52:08,837 --> 00:52:10,704
[CANDY] I can fucking swim!
1268
00:52:10,806 --> 00:52:13,740
So alcohol heated to 103 degrees...
1269
00:52:13,842 --> 00:52:15,641
Hmm. Seems obvious now.
1270
00:52:15,744 --> 00:52:18,311
Yeah.
1271
00:52:18,413 --> 00:52:20,379
[PHONE RINGS]
1272
00:52:20,481 --> 00:52:23,416
No. Okay.
1273
00:52:23,518 --> 00:52:24,984
[RINGING CONTINUES]
1274
00:52:25,087 --> 00:52:27,453
All right, all right,
all right, I'm coming.
1275
00:52:27,555 --> 00:52:28,621
Hello.
1276
00:52:30,258 --> 00:52:32,725
Huh?
1277
00:52:36,897 --> 00:52:38,564
[SIGHS]
1278
00:52:38,666 --> 00:52:40,999
What police station?
1279
00:52:41,102 --> 00:52:43,102
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
1280
00:52:49,309 --> 00:52:51,309
[PHONES RINGING, INDISTINCT CHATTER]
1281
00:52:57,785 --> 00:52:59,784
[SIGHS]
1282
00:53:49,334 --> 00:53:51,501
Thanks for the pizza and beer.
1283
00:53:54,339 --> 00:53:56,339
[SIGHS]
1284
00:54:01,513 --> 00:54:03,446
Hey, Ralph.
1285
00:54:06,818 --> 00:54:09,058
[BILL] Ralph, you hungry? You
wanna get something to eat?
1286
00:54:09,120 --> 00:54:10,998
Or should we race back to
the hotel so you can jot
1287
00:54:11,022 --> 00:54:12,900
this down in your pink little
diary while it's still fresh?
1288
00:54:12,924 --> 00:54:14,624
And I think we got a new road rule...
1289
00:54:14,726 --> 00:54:16,826
stay the fuck outta Arizona, am I right?
1290
00:54:16,928 --> 00:54:21,263
Hey, we ain't bonding over this shit.
1291
00:54:21,366 --> 00:54:23,532
You dig?
1292
00:54:23,634 --> 00:54:26,535
♪ Playing Bill Withers'
"Hope She'll Be Happier" ♪
1293
00:54:26,637 --> 00:54:30,772
♪♪♪
1294
00:54:30,875 --> 00:54:33,442
[EDDIE] But I love my mother very much.
1295
00:54:33,544 --> 00:54:35,355
But what are you gonna
do? That's the way it is.
1296
00:54:35,379 --> 00:54:36,778
She didn't love me back.
1297
00:54:36,881 --> 00:54:38,441
When I was little, she actually told me
1298
00:54:38,482 --> 00:54:40,582
that windowless vans
were taxis for children.
1299
00:54:40,684 --> 00:54:42,984
[SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
1300
00:54:43,086 --> 00:54:44,753
This was also the same woman who, uh,
1301
00:54:44,855 --> 00:54:46,295
encouraged me to apply to Notre Dame
1302
00:54:46,357 --> 00:54:48,590
on a bell-ringing scholarship.
1303
00:54:48,692 --> 00:54:50,892
♪ Maybe the lateness of the hour ♪
1304
00:54:50,994 --> 00:54:54,162
Bell-ringing? As in ringing a bell?
1305
00:54:54,264 --> 00:54:56,797
Not doing it, huh? Not ringing a bell?
1306
00:54:56,900 --> 00:54:59,834
[RALPH] I mean, it's another
racist depiction reinforcing
1307
00:54:59,936 --> 00:55:02,937
the stereotype that
all black people are lazy.
1308
00:55:03,039 --> 00:55:04,873
Now, I would have changed the channel,
1309
00:55:04,975 --> 00:55:06,975
but the television was all
the way across the room.
1310
00:55:07,077 --> 00:55:09,077
[LAUGHTER]
1311
00:55:09,179 --> 00:55:11,779
In my defense,
I did have my recliner set
1312
00:55:11,881 --> 00:55:14,214
all the way back to
righteous indignation mode.
1313
00:55:14,316 --> 00:55:16,183
♪ But in my heart there is a shower ♪
1314
00:55:16,285 --> 00:55:17,951
So you guys have been a fantastic crowd.
1315
00:55:18,053 --> 00:55:19,920
Thank you. My name is Ralph Carnegie.
1316
00:55:20,022 --> 00:55:21,822
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Thank you.
1317
00:55:21,924 --> 00:55:24,925
♪ I hope she'll be happier with him ♪
1318
00:55:25,027 --> 00:55:27,828
Coming to the stage
next, your headliner.
1319
00:55:27,930 --> 00:55:29,462
You've seen him on The Tonight Show.
1320
00:55:29,564 --> 00:55:32,032
Give it up for Mr. Bill Hobbs.
1321
00:55:32,134 --> 00:55:34,101
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
1322
00:55:34,203 --> 00:55:35,769
♪ Baby the darkness ♪
1323
00:55:35,871 --> 00:55:37,771
[BILL] Ralph Carnegie,
ladies and gentlemen,
1324
00:55:37,873 --> 00:55:40,440
from Sonny & Cher, and now
that they're getting a divorce
1325
00:55:40,542 --> 00:55:43,076
Ralph is gonna be available
for some light yard work.
1326
00:55:43,178 --> 00:55:44,922
I don't know if you want
him around your house though.
1327
00:55:44,946 --> 00:55:46,178
He might steal something.
1328
00:55:46,281 --> 00:55:47,914
♪ Makes me seem lonelier ♪
1329
00:55:48,016 --> 00:55:50,517
Ralph is half black and
half a comedian, so...
1330
00:55:50,619 --> 00:55:54,954
♪ Than I am ♪
1331
00:55:55,056 --> 00:55:57,156
♪♪♪
1332
00:55:57,258 --> 00:55:59,559
[NAOMI] God, that was funny.
1333
00:55:59,661 --> 00:56:02,661
The way you can just get up there and...
1334
00:56:02,763 --> 00:56:04,830
It's so cool.
1335
00:56:04,933 --> 00:56:06,532
Naomi.
1336
00:56:07,668 --> 00:56:10,303
Pleasure, Naomi.
1337
00:56:10,405 --> 00:56:13,806
So tell me something funny,
Mr. Funny Guy.
1338
00:56:13,908 --> 00:56:16,042
♪ Happier with him ♪
1339
00:56:16,344 --> 00:56:18,343
Something funny...
1340
00:56:42,389 --> 00:56:45,748
Goldie's is nothing...
it's a starters pistol.
1341
00:56:47,651 --> 00:56:50,050
I can't believe that you got Soul Train.
1342
00:56:50,062 --> 00:56:52,175
This is your chance to show
people who you are as a stand-up.
1343
00:56:52,176 --> 00:56:53,808
Now is Ron time.
1344
00:56:53,810 --> 00:56:55,390
I'm just working on some new stuff.
1345
00:56:55,399 --> 00:56:57,050
I'm taking them for the Tonight Show.
1346
00:56:57,051 --> 00:56:58,981
Give it up for Miss Dawn Lima.
1347
00:56:59,282 --> 00:57:00,850
I fucked a bum today.
1348
00:57:01,151 --> 00:57:02,600
How do you guys know each other?
1349
00:57:02,601 --> 00:57:04,870
We worked together in Chicago.
1350
00:57:04,871 --> 00:57:06,600
*** in Chicago.
1351
00:57:06,601 --> 00:57:07,999
You really did fuck a bum.
1352
00:57:09,000 --> 00:57:11,540
Are you exicted to see your
family, it's been a while.
1353
00:57:11,541 --> 00:57:13,210
Can you hug your Aunt Cassie, please?
1354
00:57:13,211 --> 00:57:15,120
I'm sorry I haven't been around more.
1355
00:57:15,121 --> 00:57:16,921
We do what we have to.
1356
00:57:16,922 --> 00:57:19,460
*** you're not gonna say anything?
1357
00:57:19,461 --> 00:57:20,861
I'm not playing this game anymore.
1358
00:57:20,862 --> 00:57:23,420
If you walk back, I need to know
it's to get your shit together.
1359
00:57:23,421 --> 00:57:27,010
- Your album is number 92 and climbing.
- What?
1360
00:57:27,011 --> 00:57:28,150
They owe you something.
1361
00:57:28,151 --> 00:57:30,800
Can I ask you a question? What
are you so pissed off about?
1362
00:57:30,801 --> 00:57:33,420
I guess yours wasn't the
only fucked up childhood.
1363
00:57:33,429 --> 00:57:35,271
You were there for me, ***.
1364
00:57:35,280 --> 00:57:37,723
***
1365
00:57:37,848 --> 00:57:39,271
I don't know, it feels better.
1366
00:57:39,635 --> 00:57:41,870
There's no happiness in this business.
1367
00:57:41,888 --> 00:57:44,677
The people you love will kill you.
1368
00:57:44,716 --> 00:57:46,614
Either by making you stay
1369
00:57:46,632 --> 00:57:47,838
or letting you go.
1370
00:57:47,847 --> 00:57:49,659
All right everybody, let's party!
1371
00:57:52,490 --> 00:57:55,028
What if this is as close
as I'll ever get to Carson?
1372
00:57:55,033 --> 00:57:56,780
All my eggs are in this basket.
1373
00:57:56,801 --> 00:57:58,736
We're here to collect.
1374
00:58:01,844 --> 00:58:03,801
Can't believe I wished for all this.
1375
00:58:03,817 --> 00:58:05,822
You wished for success,
1376
00:58:06,108 --> 00:58:07,633
***.
1377
00:58:07,655 --> 00:58:12,655
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www.addic7ed.com
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