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1
00:00:02,769 --> 00:00:06,068
It seems today that all you see
2
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:09,438
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,543 --> 00:00:13,104
But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:13,213 --> 00:00:16,239
On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:19,443
Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:22,818
Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:24,439
All the things that make us
8
00:00:24,706 --> 00:00:26,173
Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,307 --> 00:00:29,765
He's a family guy
10
00:00:36,084 --> 00:00:38,450
Check it out, guys. New driver's license.
11
00:00:38,553 --> 00:00:39,986
What's wrong with your picture?
12
00:00:40,088 --> 00:00:42,522
Well, see, I got drunk
and then got my picture taken.
13
00:00:42,624 --> 00:00:44,387
So that way when I get pulled over
for drunk driving,
14
00:00:44,492 --> 00:00:46,426
I look the same as on my license.
15
00:00:46,528 --> 00:00:48,291
You know?
Then the copper, the copper'll say,
16
00:00:48,396 --> 00:00:49,590
"You're fine. You're not drunk.
17
00:00:49,697 --> 00:00:51,460
"This is you normal.
I can tell by the picture. "
18
00:00:51,733 --> 00:00:55,396
I wish I'd thought of that.
I just got my new license a month ago.
19
00:00:57,739 --> 00:00:58,797
What's with the big grin?
20
00:00:58,907 --> 00:01:03,071
Oh, I'd just gotten a new tube of Aquafresh,
and I was feeling cocky.
21
00:01:03,178 --> 00:01:05,112
- Hey, let's see yours, Joe.
- No.
22
00:01:05,213 --> 00:01:06,180
Come on!
23
00:01:07,682 --> 00:01:10,378
- Wait, why does it say...
- Yeah.
24
00:01:10,485 --> 00:01:13,943
They were all out of handicap that day,
so I got retarded.
25
00:01:14,055 --> 00:01:16,421
Hey, let's see yours, Quagmire.
26
00:01:17,225 --> 00:01:20,490
- Wait a second. You were born in 1948?
- Uh, yeah.
27
00:01:20,595 --> 00:01:23,428
- You're 61 years old?
- Uh, yes, sir.
28
00:01:23,631 --> 00:01:25,826
- What's your secret?
- Uh, carrots.
29
00:01:25,934 --> 00:01:28,926
Sometimes I grind them up into juice
or just eat them raw.
30
00:01:29,037 --> 00:01:32,097
Or insert them anally. As long as
I get them into my body somehow.
31
00:01:35,043 --> 00:01:38,012
And now back to
the Fox News report with Rhonda Latimer.
32
00:01:38,112 --> 00:01:41,548
Oh, God! That new Fox News reporter
is so freaking hot.
33
00:01:41,649 --> 00:01:45,608
Good evening. I'm Rhonda Latimer for
Fox News. Here are tonight's top stories.
34
00:01:45,720 --> 00:01:48,382
Oh, she's just so smoking hot!
35
00:01:48,489 --> 00:01:53,153
God, I would do things to her that
she would probably laugh at.
36
00:01:53,261 --> 00:01:54,387
You bitch!
37
00:01:57,298 --> 00:02:00,199
We now return
to Woody Allen's Bananas Over Broadway.
38
00:02:00,401 --> 00:02:03,632
I hate it when Woody casts another actor
in a role he's supposed to play,
39
00:02:03,738 --> 00:02:04,830
'cause they always act like him.
40
00:02:04,939 --> 00:02:05,928
What're you talking about? I thought
41
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:08,270
Patrick Stewart was great
as Melvin Shiverman.
42
00:02:08,443 --> 00:02:12,277
You know, Nietzsche says we're doomed
to live the same life over and over again,
43
00:02:12,380 --> 00:02:14,109
which is bad news
because it means
44
00:02:14,215 --> 00:02:16,206
I have to sit through
the Ice-Capades again.
45
00:02:16,551 --> 00:02:18,485
Change it to Fox News!
It's time for Rhonda Latimer.
46
00:02:18,586 --> 00:02:21,555
Again, Peter? You have a wife, you know.
47
00:02:21,656 --> 00:02:23,055
Lois, if it makes you feel any better,
48
00:02:23,157 --> 00:02:26,058
I'm thinking about her
every time I masturbate to her.
49
00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:27,684
And we also want to remind you
50
00:02:27,795 --> 00:02:30,787
that Fox News switches to
high definition starting Monday.
51
00:02:30,898 --> 00:02:33,366
Aw, crap! Does this mean
we gotta get a new TV?
52
00:02:33,468 --> 00:02:34,799
- Looks that way.
- Great.
53
00:02:34,902 --> 00:02:37,370
I need another expense
like I need a hole in the head,
54
00:02:37,472 --> 00:02:38,803
and I don't need that.
55
00:02:38,906 --> 00:02:41,306
I'm telling you, this thing has
turned out to be nothing but a burden.
56
00:02:41,409 --> 00:02:43,934
Oh, my God! Peter! When did you get that?
57
00:02:44,045 --> 00:02:47,208
Eh, a few of the fellows at work talked me
into it, said it was something I might need.
58
00:02:47,315 --> 00:02:48,873
Well, it's horrible!
59
00:02:48,983 --> 00:02:51,747
And the worst thing is
I found out I got it on the gay side.
60
00:02:51,886 --> 00:02:53,410
Hey, are you coming out tonight?
61
00:02:53,521 --> 00:02:55,955
I'm not gay!
They put the hole in the wrong side.
62
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:01,287
All right, family. The wait is over.
63
00:03:01,396 --> 00:03:04,388
I give you hi-def television!
64
00:03:04,499 --> 00:03:06,467
Ooh! Can I have the box?
65
00:03:06,567 --> 00:03:09,536
Look at me!
I'm an Iraq War vet in 10 years.
66
00:03:09,637 --> 00:03:11,332
No, we're gonna take good care of them.
67
00:03:12,340 --> 00:03:14,467
Wow! Look at that HD picture!
68
00:03:14,575 --> 00:03:18,204
Yeah. It's so clear you can even see
Ellen DeGeneres' breath.
69
00:03:18,313 --> 00:03:22,374
Well, my guest today is Seth Rogen,
who's got a new movie out.
70
00:03:22,483 --> 00:03:26,886
Now, Seth, this movie is hot.
It's just hot, hot, hot.
71
00:03:27,522 --> 00:03:30,184
How does it feel
to have the hottest film in Hollywood?
72
00:03:30,291 --> 00:03:33,089
What the fuck?
Did you eat pussy backstage?
73
00:03:36,464 --> 00:03:39,661
And now the real reason to have an HDTV.
74
00:03:39,767 --> 00:03:41,860
And now
the Fox News 6:00 Report
75
00:03:41,969 --> 00:03:44,767
with Rhonda Latimer in high definition.
76
00:03:44,872 --> 00:03:46,965
Good evening, everyone.
And I hope you're as thrilled
77
00:03:47,075 --> 00:03:49,168
about the new format change as I am.
78
00:03:50,645 --> 00:03:51,976
- Aah!
- Aah!
79
00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:53,206
- Aah!
- Aah!
80
00:03:53,314 --> 00:03:54,474
- Aah!
- Aah!
81
00:03:54,716 --> 00:03:56,411
- Oh, no!
Oh, no!
82
00:03:57,819 --> 00:03:59,116
Aah!
83
00:03:59,487 --> 00:04:02,183
I'll get all of the "A's" out of my body.
84
00:04:02,390 --> 00:04:05,655
Aah!
85
00:04:06,994 --> 00:04:10,020
We interrupt this report to inform you
Rhonda Latimer has been relocated
86
00:04:10,131 --> 00:04:14,329
to Guantánamo Bay. Coming up,
the new format that makes HD obsolete.
87
00:04:14,435 --> 00:04:15,402
God damn it!
88
00:04:20,456 --> 00:04:23,948
Mom, do you ever feel
not so fresh down there?
89
00:04:24,060 --> 00:04:26,187
No. There must be
something wrong with you.
90
00:04:26,329 --> 00:04:27,455
- Really?
- Yeah.
91
00:04:27,563 --> 00:04:30,589
I've never had that problem
and I don't know any woman who has.
92
00:04:30,700 --> 00:04:34,727
Hey, look at this. Fox News is looking
for a replacement for Rhonda Latimer.
93
00:04:34,904 --> 00:04:37,771
Hey, Mom, you should try out.
I mean, you majored in journalism,
94
00:04:37,873 --> 00:04:39,272
and you've never done anything with it.
95
00:04:39,375 --> 00:04:42,139
Well, I did write for my college newspaper.
96
00:04:42,244 --> 00:04:45,111
Yeah. Didn't you do an interview
with that fast-talking FedEx guy?
97
00:04:45,214 --> 00:04:47,808
Yeah. I ended up
dating him for three months.
98
00:04:47,917 --> 00:04:49,384
That's a beautiful shade of lipstick.
I bet you enjoy
99
00:04:49,485 --> 00:04:50,679
the music of Men at Work.
You're incredibly foxy.
100
00:04:50,786 --> 00:04:52,651
Take off your shirt, your pants.
What a body! That feels good.
101
00:04:52,755 --> 00:04:54,154
I'll give you a call. You'd better get tested.
102
00:04:54,390 --> 00:04:56,449
Yeah, Mom. You should be a reporter.
103
00:04:56,592 --> 00:04:59,083
Well, I mean,
I guess there's no harm in trying out.
104
00:04:59,428 --> 00:05:02,886
Hey, Lois! A little less yackety-yak,
a little more cutting up my banana!
105
00:05:02,999 --> 00:05:04,899
What am I supposed to do?
Stick the whole thing in my mouth?
106
00:05:05,001 --> 00:05:06,195
I mean... Oh, hello.
107
00:05:06,402 --> 00:05:09,394
Lois, you can't possibly be considering
working for Fox News.
108
00:05:09,505 --> 00:05:11,029
- Well, why not?
- Why not?
109
00:05:11,140 --> 00:05:12,869
Because they're evil,
and they distort the truth,
110
00:05:12,975 --> 00:05:15,136
and they do the bidding
of the Republican Party! I mean,
111
00:05:15,244 --> 00:05:16,768
what other reasons do you need?
112
00:05:16,912 --> 00:05:19,346
Don't listen to Brian, Lois.
You'd be great on camera,
113
00:05:19,515 --> 00:05:22,348
like I was when I played that dead body
on Law & Order.
114
00:05:22,451 --> 00:05:24,078
Well, until I got that itch in my crotch.
115
00:05:24,387 --> 00:05:27,686
The contusion on his left temple
implies he was hit by a blunt object,
116
00:05:27,790 --> 00:05:30,816
- and the cuts imply a struggle.
- So it was murder.
117
00:05:30,926 --> 00:05:34,384
- But the question is who?
- Well, whoever it was wears nail polish.
118
00:05:34,497 --> 00:05:37,227
- We found traces in the wounds.
- Well, that narrows it down.
119
00:05:37,333 --> 00:05:40,131
- At least we know it wasn't the father.
- Yeah, but we still gotta find out...
120
00:05:44,273 --> 00:05:46,207
Thank God!
121
00:05:52,272 --> 00:05:54,604
All right, Fox News auditions, take one.
122
00:05:54,708 --> 00:05:56,835
Fear-based,
right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories.
123
00:05:56,943 --> 00:05:59,036
Fear-based,
right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories!
124
00:05:59,145 --> 00:06:01,340
Fear-based,
right-wing-agenda-pushing news stories!
125
00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:04,679
Hi, I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's
Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing
126
00:06:04,784 --> 00:06:06,217
Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium.
127
00:06:06,319 --> 00:06:08,310
Due to a lack of interest
in my shoddy merchandise,
128
00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:11,049
a soul-crushing divorce,
and a never-ending custody battle,
129
00:06:11,157 --> 00:06:13,284
I am desperately trying
to get into another line of work,
130
00:06:13,393 --> 00:06:16,089
and I am hoping
to pass the news on to you!
131
00:06:16,363 --> 00:06:19,958
I... I no can read these words.
132
00:06:20,166 --> 00:06:22,999
This is the way we deliver the news
on the high seas.
133
00:06:23,169 --> 00:06:25,000
Thirteen are dead
in a subway in Paris
134
00:06:25,105 --> 00:06:27,096
And heavy rains flooded
the east side of Pittsburgh
135
00:06:27,207 --> 00:06:28,970
And gas prices have hit a 14-year high
136
00:06:29,075 --> 00:06:31,339
And Britney backed over her 7-month-old
137
00:06:31,778 --> 00:06:35,339
And even though this
Iraqi veteran lost his hands,
138
00:06:35,448 --> 00:06:38,110
he didn't lose his ability to feel.
139
00:06:38,218 --> 00:06:40,448
I'm Lois Griffin for Fox News.
140
00:06:40,587 --> 00:06:43,147
- Great story, Lois.
- Thanks. I just made it up.
141
00:06:43,256 --> 00:06:46,783
You know, I've been doing this job a long
time, and I think you've got what it takes.
142
00:06:46,893 --> 00:06:49,123
- You're kidding. Really?
- Yes.
143
00:06:49,229 --> 00:06:51,595
How would you like to be
our newest on-air reporter?
144
00:06:53,266 --> 00:06:55,928
You know, I came down here
not even thinking I had a shot.
145
00:06:56,035 --> 00:06:58,503
And now you're telling me this?
146
00:06:58,605 --> 00:07:00,630
Gosh, it's an awfully big decision!
147
00:07:00,740 --> 00:07:03,334
Lois, please, take the job, for Fox sake!
148
00:07:03,443 --> 00:07:04,535
Well...
149
00:07:04,644 --> 00:07:08,273
- All right! I'll do it!
- Great! Here's your contract.
150
00:07:08,381 --> 00:07:11,373
Now run home, Lois!
Run as fast as you can!
151
00:07:51,948 --> 00:07:55,008
Good morning, everyone.
Well, do I look TV-ready?
152
00:07:55,117 --> 00:07:57,881
Lois, I can't believe you're doing this.
If you work for Fox News,
153
00:07:57,987 --> 00:07:59,420
you're gonna be selling your soul.
154
00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:02,320
Oh, Brian, come on.
They're a major news network.
155
00:08:02,425 --> 00:08:04,256
I would think you'd be excited for me.
156
00:08:04,393 --> 00:08:06,020
Are you kidding? They're a lie factory.
157
00:08:06,128 --> 00:08:08,062
They report
whatever they damn well please.
158
00:08:08,164 --> 00:08:10,689
You know, Brian, you're welcome
to come with me and see for yourself
159
00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:11,858
that it's all on the level.
160
00:08:11,968 --> 00:08:13,993
You know, I just might take you up
on that, Lois.
161
00:08:14,103 --> 00:08:16,469
And I know another way
we can take advantage of this.
162
00:08:16,572 --> 00:08:19,973
Chris, Meg, meet me in the living room in
10 minutes, and bring a pencil and paper.
163
00:08:22,044 --> 00:08:23,102
Dad, what are we doing?
164
00:08:23,212 --> 00:08:25,646
Meg, now that Lois
has connections at Fox,
165
00:08:25,748 --> 00:08:28,273
we are gonna invent
our own cartoon show,
166
00:08:28,384 --> 00:08:31,046
and we are here to brainstorm ideas.
All right, go.
167
00:08:31,153 --> 00:08:32,381
Anything that pops into your head.
168
00:08:32,488 --> 00:08:35,082
Ooh! How about a show about
a bunch of disabled ducks,
169
00:08:35,191 --> 00:08:36,988
and we'll call it Handiquacks?
170
00:08:37,093 --> 00:08:39,857
Wow! Caught fire a little earlier
than I thought we would. Perfect.
171
00:08:39,962 --> 00:08:43,557
All right, let's spend many hours on this.
All right, the main duck, what's his name?
172
00:08:43,666 --> 00:08:45,827
I don't know, Red Heinie Monkey?
173
00:08:45,935 --> 00:08:49,371
I love it! I love it. All right. Now,
what's his wacky neighbor duck's name?
174
00:08:49,472 --> 00:08:50,598
Giddy Goose?
175
00:08:50,740 --> 00:08:54,369
Meg, please try to formulate ideas clearly
before you vocalize them.
176
00:08:54,477 --> 00:08:56,138
I'm not sure you're getting the show, Meg.
177
00:08:56,245 --> 00:08:57,735
All right, names, names, names.
Come on now.
178
00:08:57,847 --> 00:08:59,678
Poopy Face Tomato Nose!
179
00:08:59,782 --> 00:09:01,977
Yes! Write it down.
Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.
180
00:09:02,084 --> 00:09:04,348
Maybe they live in a pond?
181
00:09:04,453 --> 00:09:06,546
Chris, can I talk to you
in the kitchen for a sec?
182
00:09:08,324 --> 00:09:09,621
I don't think
she's getting it.
183
00:09:09,725 --> 00:09:10,987
I know she's not getting it, but...
184
00:09:11,093 --> 00:09:12,390
There's no but. She's not getting it.
185
00:09:12,495 --> 00:09:13,553
Well, what the hell
do you want to do?
186
00:09:13,663 --> 00:09:15,654
She's poison.
Absolutely. She's dead weight.
187
00:09:15,765 --> 00:09:16,732
She doesn't understand.
188
00:09:16,832 --> 00:09:18,197
But without her,
the staff is too small.
189
00:09:18,301 --> 00:09:20,462
- I mean, she's just not funny.
She's completely ruining it.
190
00:09:20,569 --> 00:09:23,094
Yeah, but I think it's important
to have a female perspective in the room.
191
00:09:23,205 --> 00:09:24,866
All right, then I think
we're gonna have to expect nothing.
192
00:09:24,974 --> 00:09:25,941
Right.
And then
193
00:09:26,042 --> 00:09:28,806
- maybe be pleasantly surprised.
Okay.
194
00:09:32,281 --> 00:09:35,079
Welcome to Fox News, Lois.
We're very excited to have you.
195
00:09:35,184 --> 00:09:37,550
Well, I'm excited to be here.
196
00:09:37,653 --> 00:09:41,350
Oh, this is my dog, Brian.
He was just dying to see the studio.
197
00:09:41,457 --> 00:09:43,755
- Well, hi there, Brian.
- How's it going, Adolf?
198
00:09:43,859 --> 00:09:46,794
I'll have you know
my grandparents died in the Holocaust.
199
00:09:46,896 --> 00:09:49,524
No, I'm just joking.
They were there, though.
200
00:09:49,632 --> 00:09:52,624
This whole place just feels like
a warm blanket.
201
00:09:52,802 --> 00:09:57,000
I'll show you to our daycare facility
shortly. But first, let's have a look around.
202
00:09:57,707 --> 00:09:59,868
This is our control room,
where we have the ability
203
00:10:00,009 --> 00:10:02,978
to monitor up to 500 different news stories
in any given hour.
204
00:10:03,112 --> 00:10:05,774
- What's that big button do?
- Oh, that's kind of fun.
205
00:10:05,881 --> 00:10:07,405
It emits a noise that only Al Gore can hear.
206
00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:13,541
- There it is again!
It's probably just wind, honey.
207
00:10:13,643 --> 00:10:15,042
It's not the wind!
208
00:10:15,645 --> 00:10:18,170
And this is our Fox News daycare center.
209
00:10:18,281 --> 00:10:19,373
Where are all the kids?
210
00:10:19,483 --> 00:10:21,348
Sorry, a lot of the children
aren't here today
211
00:10:21,451 --> 00:10:23,885
because their parents have the day off
for Martin Luther King day.
212
00:10:24,020 --> 00:10:25,078
Isn't that in January?
213
00:10:25,188 --> 00:10:27,656
Oh, no, at Fox News,
we celebrate the day he was shot.
214
00:10:28,925 --> 00:10:32,452
And this is the kitchen. We've got
all kinds of snacks and cold drinks in here.
215
00:10:32,562 --> 00:10:33,824
I don't see the refrigerator.
216
00:10:33,930 --> 00:10:36,364
Oh, we just use Ann Coulter's vagina.
217
00:10:37,667 --> 00:10:38,656
Hmm...
218
00:10:38,802 --> 00:10:39,769
There's never anything good in here.
219
00:10:44,066 --> 00:10:47,035
All right, here we go.
'"Handiquacks, episode one, scene one. "
220
00:10:47,135 --> 00:10:50,502
Let's get them laughing right off the bat.
"Interior. Red Heinie Monkey's house. "
221
00:10:50,606 --> 00:10:52,233
What's Red Heinie Monkey doing?
222
00:10:52,341 --> 00:10:56,209
Um... Maybe he just got up?
He's making breakfast?
223
00:10:56,311 --> 00:10:59,144
Eh, I don't think people eat breakfast
anymore. More suggestions.
224
00:10:59,248 --> 00:11:02,217
Ooh! What if Red Heinie Monkey
and Poopy Face Tomato Nose
225
00:11:02,317 --> 00:11:06,014
are trying to build a house of cards
and it keeps falling down?
226
00:11:06,121 --> 00:11:10,319
Jiminy Christmas!
We have all been there! That's going in.
227
00:11:10,425 --> 00:11:13,258
We are cooking.
Cooking, cooking, cooking. Now, all right.
228
00:11:13,362 --> 00:11:15,330
Now, let's take a walk down this road,
see where it leads us.
229
00:11:15,430 --> 00:11:16,692
Dialogue. What are they saying?
230
00:11:16,832 --> 00:11:20,563
Um, maybe Poopy Face Tomato Nose says,
231
00:11:20,669 --> 00:11:23,866
"Boy, this house of cards
just doesn't want to stay up!"
232
00:11:23,972 --> 00:11:26,532
Well, I mean, yeah. If you want to go
right at it like a Neanderthal, sure.
233
00:11:26,642 --> 00:11:29,110
But I think we're shooting for
a little more subtlety here, you know?
234
00:11:29,278 --> 00:11:31,007
You know, I don't believe that.
235
00:11:31,113 --> 00:11:33,479
I don't believe that
that's a real conversation
236
00:11:33,582 --> 00:11:35,743
when I hear it.
People don't talk like that, Meg.
237
00:11:35,851 --> 00:11:39,685
Ooh! What if they just bought a new wood
stove? And Red Heinie Monkey says,
238
00:11:39,788 --> 00:11:43,485
"Boy, it's so hot in here because we just
bought that new wood stove and... "
239
00:11:43,592 --> 00:11:45,560
"... we're sweating,
and our hands are all slippery,
240
00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:47,891
"and that's why we can't get
the card house to stay up!"
241
00:11:47,996 --> 00:11:49,554
Thank you, Chris. We have liftoff.
242
00:11:50,766 --> 00:11:55,567
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But none
of this stuff seems to make sense.
243
00:11:55,671 --> 00:11:58,469
I mean, we haven't even referenced
the fact that they're ducks
244
00:11:58,573 --> 00:12:02,703
or that they're handicapped,
but the show is called Handiquacks.
245
00:12:04,479 --> 00:12:07,141
Uh-huh. Chris, can I see you in the kitchen?
246
00:12:09,117 --> 00:12:11,017
This is not working
out. This is not working out at all.
247
00:12:11,119 --> 00:12:13,019
Dad, Dad, look. She's trying.
No. No.
248
00:12:13,121 --> 00:12:14,383
She gets along with everybody.
249
00:12:14,489 --> 00:12:15,786
She does not get along
with everybody.
250
00:12:15,891 --> 00:12:17,722
She's kind of hot.
She's office hot. All right?
251
00:12:17,826 --> 00:12:19,453
- Yeah, maybe you're right.
- She's the only woman around.
252
00:12:19,561 --> 00:12:20,823
Yeah. In the real world,
she doesn't hold up.
253
00:12:20,929 --> 00:12:23,454
In addition to everything else,
she's got B. O! She's got B.O.
254
00:12:28,854 --> 00:12:32,790
All right, Lois. For your first assignment,
we want you to do an investigative exposé
255
00:12:32,891 --> 00:12:34,620
on one of America's greatest enemies.
256
00:12:34,727 --> 00:12:37,389
Oh! That sounds important. Who is it?
257
00:12:37,496 --> 00:12:38,463
Michael Moore.
258
00:12:38,564 --> 00:12:41,226
Oh, here we go. This is exactly
what I was talking about, Lois.
259
00:12:41,333 --> 00:12:43,893
Fox News will take down anyone
who doesn't agree with them.
260
00:12:44,003 --> 00:12:46,267
Well, now, wait a minute, Brian.
Give him a chance.
261
00:12:46,372 --> 00:12:48,272
What exactly do you want me to do?
262
00:12:48,374 --> 00:12:49,500
We have reason to suspect
263
00:12:49,608 --> 00:12:51,769
that Michael Moore may be
a closet homosexual.
264
00:12:51,910 --> 00:12:54,071
- We need you to get the proof.
- Oh.
265
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:58,148
- Are you sure that's a real news story?
- Absolutely, Lois. It's human interest.
266
00:12:58,250 --> 00:13:02,152
Well, if you think Michael Moore's
possible homosexuality is newsworthy,
267
00:13:02,254 --> 00:13:05,314
- I'll do my best to get the story.
- Hey, where's Stewie?
268
00:13:05,824 --> 00:13:08,987
That's tomorrow,
and that is it for us today.
269
00:13:09,094 --> 00:13:13,030
Okay, I don't know... Whatever it is,
it's not right on the teleprompter.
270
00:13:13,132 --> 00:13:14,690
There it is.
We're gonna do Sting, yeah.
271
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,199
There's no words there.
272
00:13:16,302 --> 00:13:18,827
"To play us out. " What does that mean?
"To play us out. "
273
00:13:18,937 --> 00:13:21,235
- To end the show?
Yeah. Yeah.
274
00:13:21,974 --> 00:13:25,432
- All right. Go! Go!
In five, four, three...
275
00:13:25,544 --> 00:13:28,843
That's tomorrow and that is it for us today
and we'll leave you with a...
276
00:13:28,947 --> 00:13:32,212
I can't do it. We'll do it live.
277
00:13:32,318 --> 00:13:34,252
We'll do it live! Fuck it!
278
00:13:34,353 --> 00:13:37,754
Do it live! I'll write it, and we'll do it live!
279
00:13:37,856 --> 00:13:39,517
Fucking thing sucks!
280
00:13:39,658 --> 00:13:42,126
In five, four, three...
281
00:13:42,227 --> 00:13:43,922
That's tomorrow
and that is it for us today.
282
00:13:44,029 --> 00:13:45,792
I'm Stewie Griffin. Thanks for watching.
283
00:13:45,898 --> 00:13:50,028
We'll leave you with Sting
and a cut off his new album. Take it away.
284
00:14:00,610 --> 00:14:02,305
All right. I have come up with a design
285
00:14:02,411 --> 00:14:04,971
for Red Heinie Monkey,
the head of the Handiquacks.
286
00:14:05,081 --> 00:14:07,276
I want only positive feedback, please.
287
00:14:07,383 --> 00:14:09,374
Why does he have such a big red bum?
288
00:14:09,485 --> 00:14:10,884
Because it's funny, Meg!
289
00:14:10,987 --> 00:14:12,682
People will tune in
to Handiquacks each week
290
00:14:12,788 --> 00:14:14,983
and see that big red bum
and get a big laugh out of it.
291
00:14:15,091 --> 00:14:19,027
Why? Because it's relatable.
They'll see themselves in it.
292
00:14:19,128 --> 00:14:22,188
- I think the design is great, Dad.
- Good note. Good note.
293
00:14:22,298 --> 00:14:24,596
Okay, now, I also had a thought
for a female character
294
00:14:24,700 --> 00:14:26,497
who's always nagging
at Red Heinie Monkey
295
00:14:26,602 --> 00:14:29,332
and telling him not to leave his beer cans
lying around and whatnot,
296
00:14:29,438 --> 00:14:31,099
and her name is Bitch Duck.
297
00:14:31,207 --> 00:14:33,607
- That kind of looks like Mom.
- Not finished talking, Meg.
298
00:14:33,709 --> 00:14:35,973
Okay, and this is Poopy Face Tomato Nose.
299
00:14:36,078 --> 00:14:39,309
You can see I gave him a funny
little suitcase. Now, see, the joke is
300
00:14:39,415 --> 00:14:42,475
most people only carry a suitcase
when they're going on vacation,
301
00:14:42,585 --> 00:14:45,486
but Poopy Face Tomato Nose
carries one all the time.
302
00:14:45,588 --> 00:14:49,024
And see? He's got a sleeve hanging out.
He didn't pack it right.
303
00:14:49,125 --> 00:14:50,490
Oh, well, you know what could be funny?
304
00:14:50,593 --> 00:14:53,391
Maybe one week
he actually goes on vacation
305
00:14:54,063 --> 00:14:56,964
and he's already got the suitcase.
306
00:14:57,400 --> 00:14:59,459
Chris, can I see you in the kitchen
for a sec?
307
00:15:00,536 --> 00:15:02,026
Your writing partner
is out of her mind.
308
00:15:02,138 --> 00:15:04,003
Okay, first of all,
stop calling her my partner.
309
00:15:04,106 --> 00:15:05,505
She's terrible. She's terrible.
- I know that.
310
00:15:05,608 --> 00:15:06,836
- But then you know what? It's not fair.
What?
311
00:15:06,942 --> 00:15:08,876
It's not fair to her.
- Well, that's sort of a cop out.
312
00:15:08,978 --> 00:15:10,275
Having her here is not fair to her.
313
00:15:10,379 --> 00:15:12,711
Dad, if you want to fire her,
you go ahead and fire her.
314
00:15:12,815 --> 00:15:14,646
But don't pretend
you're doing it for her benefit.
315
00:15:14,750 --> 00:15:16,775
- Don't put that on me. She's firing herself.
It's on you.
316
00:15:16,919 --> 00:15:18,250
No, she can't fire herself.
317
00:15:18,354 --> 00:15:21,118
She's firing herself with her lack
of talent and her lack of funniness.
318
00:15:21,223 --> 00:15:24,488
I just... You know, I feel like you
and I have captured lightning in a bottle...
319
00:15:24,593 --> 00:15:25,617
We have. Yes!
... with Handiquacks.
320
00:15:25,728 --> 00:15:29,391
And she's just coming in,
unscrewing the top, and letting it all out.
321
00:15:29,565 --> 00:15:31,590
Meg, your services
will no longer be needed.
322
00:15:39,475 --> 00:15:42,000
Still nothing. I don't understand.
323
00:15:42,111 --> 00:15:44,375
The lights are on.
Somebody must be home.
324
00:15:45,381 --> 00:15:46,746
Get down!
325
00:15:49,118 --> 00:15:50,745
Rush Limbaugh?
326
00:15:50,853 --> 00:15:54,186
What's he doing coming out
of Michael Moore's house at this hour?
327
00:15:54,290 --> 00:15:57,054
Unless... Oh, my God!
328
00:15:57,426 --> 00:16:03,558
Oh, my God, it's true!
Michael Moore is gay with Rush Limbaugh!
329
00:16:04,467 --> 00:16:07,300
- And I just laid in dog poop.
- That's not dog poop.
330
00:16:07,536 --> 00:16:09,436
Sorry, we've been out here a long time.
331
00:16:14,777 --> 00:16:16,404
And, look, there's Rush Limbaugh
332
00:16:16,512 --> 00:16:19,003
coming out of Michael Moore's house
at 2:00 in the morning.
333
00:16:19,115 --> 00:16:21,083
I wouldn't believe it
if I hadn't seen it myself.
334
00:16:21,183 --> 00:16:24,243
Well, your dog was right, Lois.
Looks like there's no story here.
335
00:16:24,353 --> 00:16:25,820
Michael Moore is clearly not gay.
336
00:16:25,921 --> 00:16:29,357
What... No story?
What are you talking about?
337
00:16:29,458 --> 00:16:31,187
You're the one who sent me to investigate.
338
00:16:31,293 --> 00:16:34,091
Now I'm showing you proof
and you're dismissing it?
339
00:16:34,196 --> 00:16:37,131
- I don't understand!
- Lois, I'll be honest.
340
00:16:37,266 --> 00:16:41,635
Rush Limbaugh is one of us. We have
no wish to smear a fellow conservative.
341
00:16:41,771 --> 00:16:45,468
That would be as foolish as FDR
hiring that midget press secretary.
342
00:16:47,376 --> 00:16:49,071
The president has just confirmed
343
00:16:49,178 --> 00:16:52,739
a devastating surprise attack
by the Japanese at Pearl Harbor.
344
00:16:52,848 --> 00:16:55,180
Much of our naval fleet
has been destroyed,
345
00:16:55,284 --> 00:16:58,082
and the death toll is believed
to be in the thousands.
346
00:16:58,187 --> 00:16:59,950
He's adorable!
347
00:17:03,159 --> 00:17:06,993
Okay, actors, welcome to the first
voice record for Handiquacks.
348
00:17:07,096 --> 00:17:10,259
All right, episode one, "What the Duck?"
Take one.
349
00:17:10,699 --> 00:17:13,259
Oh, darn it, Poopy Face Tomato Nose.
350
00:17:13,402 --> 00:17:17,270
I know, Red Heinie Monkey.
This card house won't stay up.
351
00:17:17,373 --> 00:17:20,069
Probably because the wood stove
is so warm.
352
00:17:20,176 --> 00:17:22,610
It's making our hands sweaty and slippery.
353
00:17:22,711 --> 00:17:25,475
It's all coming together.
It's all coming together. This is it.
354
00:17:25,581 --> 00:17:27,549
- Our vision come to life.
- I know.
355
00:17:27,650 --> 00:17:30,551
Just listen to that voice,
and then picture him holding that suitcase
356
00:17:30,653 --> 00:17:31,642
with the sleeve sticking out!
357
00:17:32,822 --> 00:17:34,050
Hi, everybody.
358
00:17:34,156 --> 00:17:35,953
Hello, Colonel Tushfinger.
359
00:17:36,058 --> 00:17:40,256
I just built a spaceship.
Want to come up in space with me in it?
360
00:17:40,362 --> 00:17:41,522
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
361
00:17:41,630 --> 00:17:43,860
Cut, cut, cut!
Cleveland, what are you doing?
362
00:17:43,966 --> 00:17:48,198
I just figured I'd give Colonel Tushfinger
an Australian thing.
363
00:17:48,370 --> 00:17:50,736
Colonel Tushfinger lives on the moon,
you idiot.
364
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:52,967
He talks with a moon accent, you know?
365
00:17:53,175 --> 00:17:56,110
He talks like this
with a moon accent. You understand?
366
00:17:56,212 --> 00:17:58,373
I am Colonel Tushfinger,
and I live on the moon.
367
00:17:58,481 --> 00:18:00,915
So I talk like this with a moon accent.
Do that!
368
00:18:01,150 --> 00:18:03,744
- You know, Bonnie also acts.
- Oh, here we go.
369
00:18:07,423 --> 00:18:09,323
So they want me
to drop the story completely
370
00:18:09,425 --> 00:18:11,723
because they don't want to
embarrass Rush Limbaugh.
371
00:18:11,827 --> 00:18:13,920
Now do you see
what I was saying about Fox News?
372
00:18:14,029 --> 00:18:16,088
They have an incredibly biased agenda.
373
00:18:16,198 --> 00:18:18,189
- You should do the story anyway.
- You think so?
374
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:19,858
Absolutely. They're hypocrites.
375
00:18:19,969 --> 00:18:21,197
They wanted you to do the story
376
00:18:21,303 --> 00:18:22,827
when they thought it would
embarrass Michael Moore.
377
00:18:22,938 --> 00:18:25,668
But they don't want you to do it
if it's gonna embarrass Rush Limbaugh.
378
00:18:25,774 --> 00:18:27,401
But you didn't want me to do the story
379
00:18:27,510 --> 00:18:29,341
when it was gonna
embarrass Michael Moore.
380
00:18:29,445 --> 00:18:32,972
But you want me to do the story
if it's gonna embarrass Rush Limbaugh?
381
00:18:33,082 --> 00:18:36,142
Can you picture the two of those guys
poking each other in the chops?
382
00:18:37,319 --> 00:18:39,617
It'd be like sticking your arm
in a backed-up sink.
383
00:18:39,855 --> 00:18:42,085
Okay, you're right.
I'm a little biased myself,
384
00:18:42,191 --> 00:18:43,283
but at least I'm willing to admit it.
385
00:18:43,659 --> 00:18:45,388
Imagine that, the two of them going at it?
386
00:18:45,494 --> 00:18:49,055
An oversized Armani suit
and an oversized, cheap windbreaker
387
00:18:49,164 --> 00:18:50,722
tossed casually on the floor?
388
00:18:50,833 --> 00:18:53,825
Look, they started this, Lois,
but it's up to you to finish it.
389
00:18:53,936 --> 00:18:55,198
I guess you're right, Brian.
390
00:18:55,304 --> 00:18:58,933
Next day at work, Limbaugh finds
a Detroit Tigers ball cap up in there.
391
00:18:59,041 --> 00:19:01,532
- Stewie, shut up!
- What? It's just a weird image.
392
00:19:01,644 --> 00:19:04,841
Like the way Commissioner Gordon
tells Batman that he just took a poop.
393
00:19:06,315 --> 00:19:08,283
Ugh! I don't need to know about that.
394
00:19:13,923 --> 00:19:15,720
Thanks for hearing our pitch, Mr. Chernin.
395
00:19:15,824 --> 00:19:18,190
You realize the only reason
I'm taking this meeting
396
00:19:18,294 --> 00:19:20,387
is that your wife is a reporter
for our news division.
397
00:19:20,529 --> 00:19:22,861
You have absolutely no prior credits.
398
00:19:22,965 --> 00:19:24,728
Sir, I promise you won't regret it.
399
00:19:24,833 --> 00:19:26,824
Handiquacks is gonna be
the next Simpsons.
400
00:19:26,969 --> 00:19:29,267
We fire the jokes at you
like an automatic weapon of comedy.
401
00:19:29,371 --> 00:19:31,339
We throw a curve ball joke at you,
hit you right in the head.
402
00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:33,738
- You go, "Wow! What happened?"
- Hmm.
403
00:19:33,842 --> 00:19:36,106
We take you on a little trolley ride
down Story Lane.
404
00:19:36,211 --> 00:19:38,839
You're having a good time, enjoying
our tale, think you know what's coming.
405
00:19:38,948 --> 00:19:40,848
Boom, left turn!
You don't know how it happened!
406
00:19:40,950 --> 00:19:42,815
You don't know where you are,
but you like it.
407
00:19:42,918 --> 00:19:43,885
Uh-huh.
408
00:19:43,986 --> 00:19:45,749
You're watching the show.
The ducks are saying stuff.
409
00:19:45,854 --> 00:19:47,685
You're yucking it up. You're laughing.
Your sides are hurting.
410
00:19:47,790 --> 00:19:50,384
All of a sudden you realize
you're feeling something, too.
411
00:19:50,492 --> 00:19:51,652
When did that happen?
412
00:19:51,760 --> 00:19:54,354
When did the Handiquacks
become people I care about?
413
00:19:54,463 --> 00:19:56,727
When did they become like
welcome guests in your home
414
00:19:56,832 --> 00:20:00,199
whose weekly visits
the whole family eagerly awaits?
415
00:20:00,302 --> 00:20:01,769
Take a look at what we got, Peter.
416
00:20:04,139 --> 00:20:06,664
One day, three ducks
were crossing the road
417
00:20:06,775 --> 00:20:08,709
Going to get some soda
418
00:20:08,811 --> 00:20:11,041
But they weren't looking
where they were going
419
00:20:11,146 --> 00:20:13,478
And a bus came along and hit them all
420
00:20:13,649 --> 00:20:16,379
Now they're handicapped and...
421
00:20:17,519 --> 00:20:19,248
No, that's pretty much it
422
00:20:19,922 --> 00:20:21,389
Handiquacks
423
00:20:21,490 --> 00:20:23,958
And they never got their soda
424
00:20:29,231 --> 00:20:31,426
Why won't this card house stay up?
425
00:20:31,567 --> 00:20:33,694
Our palms are slippery and sweaty
426
00:20:33,836 --> 00:20:36,805
because of the heat from that
new wood stove we just bought.
427
00:20:36,905 --> 00:20:39,271
That's gonna be
his catchphrase.
428
00:20:39,408 --> 00:20:41,603
How did you afford that wood stove?
429
00:20:41,710 --> 00:20:46,340
Easy. I just walked into the wood-stove
store and said, "Put it on my bill. "
430
00:20:49,218 --> 00:20:50,549
- You with me?
- I sure am!
431
00:20:50,653 --> 00:20:52,018
- You with me now?
- I love it!
432
00:20:52,121 --> 00:20:55,318
- You know you love it.
- I just have one small change.
433
00:20:55,424 --> 00:20:56,413
Oh?
434
00:20:56,525 --> 00:20:59,323
Could Poopy Face Tomato Nose's nose
be a plum?
435
00:21:00,596 --> 00:21:04,259
- How dare you?
- It's a small change.
436
00:21:04,366 --> 00:21:06,630
And if you do it,
we'll really get behind this show.
437
00:21:06,735 --> 00:21:09,169
A plum? What is this, 1986?
438
00:21:09,271 --> 00:21:13,264
Well, if you're gonna be a TV producer,
you've gotta be open to collaboration.
439
00:21:13,375 --> 00:21:17,641
So everybody just gets to stick their
big chef's spoon into my comedy gumbo?
440
00:21:17,746 --> 00:21:20,044
- Well, no deal!
- You know something?
441
00:21:20,149 --> 00:21:24,609
I like your passion. Okay, we'll do
the show, and we'll do it your way.
442
00:21:25,654 --> 00:21:26,814
No.
443
00:21:27,389 --> 00:21:29,186
Well, that was a miscalculation.
444
00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,990
All right, there it is. Stay close to me.
445
00:21:46,341 --> 00:21:48,070
This is it! Let's go!
446
00:21:49,311 --> 00:21:53,509
Mr. Moore, Mr. Limbaugh, do you have
anything to say to Fox News about this...
447
00:21:53,615 --> 00:21:56,083
- What the hell?
- Who are you?
448
00:21:56,185 --> 00:21:57,584
What's that suit on the bed?
449
00:21:57,686 --> 00:22:00,712
And what have you done
with your gay lover, Rush Limbaugh?
450
00:22:01,890 --> 00:22:03,790
I am Rush Limbaugh. That's a costume.
451
00:22:04,093 --> 00:22:05,458
Wait a minute. You mean, all these years,
452
00:22:05,561 --> 00:22:08,462
Rush Limbaugh has just been
Michael Moore in disguise?
453
00:22:08,564 --> 00:22:10,998
Well, it's a little more complex than that.
454
00:22:11,100 --> 00:22:12,692
What are you talking about?
455
00:22:14,403 --> 00:22:16,598
- Fred Savage?
- Wait a minute!
456
00:22:16,705 --> 00:22:19,037
You're Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore?
457
00:22:19,141 --> 00:22:21,541
Yes, I am.
They're both characters I created.
458
00:22:21,910 --> 00:22:23,605
But, why?
459
00:22:23,712 --> 00:22:26,010
Well, after The Wonder Years,
I was hungry to do more acting
460
00:22:26,115 --> 00:22:28,879
but the pickings were slim.
So I came up with this scheme
461
00:22:28,984 --> 00:22:32,181
to satisfy my need to perform,
and I guess it got a little out of hand.
462
00:22:32,354 --> 00:22:33,582
- This is unbelievable!
- Well, that's not the end of it.
463
00:22:35,295 --> 00:22:38,287
I'm also Tony Danza, Camryn Manheim,
Malcolm-Jamal Warner,
464
00:22:38,431 --> 00:22:41,923
Kevin Nealon, John Forsythe,
and Metallica drummer, Lars Ulrich.
465
00:22:42,068 --> 00:22:46,869
Wow. Fred Savage is the greatest actor
in the history of the world.
466
00:22:47,106 --> 00:22:48,971
That's all I ever wanted people to know.
467
00:22:49,075 --> 00:22:52,169
Well, if you let us run this story,
I promise you they will.
468
00:22:52,278 --> 00:22:53,575
You got a deal.
469
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,511
Well, it finally happened.
470
00:22:55,615 --> 00:22:57,674
I had finally gotten the recognition
I deserved...
471
00:22:57,784 --> 00:22:59,251
I don't need you anymore!
472
00:22:59,419 --> 00:23:02,013
Well, Christ, Fred.
You don't have to be a dick about it.
473
00:23:05,124 --> 00:23:06,352
This Sunday on Fox,
474
00:23:06,459 --> 00:23:09,656
it's the new hit comedy
starring America's greatest actor,
475
00:23:09,762 --> 00:23:10,854
Fred Savage!
476
00:23:10,964 --> 00:23:13,489
Well, Lois, you did a good thing
for a talented guy.
477
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:15,431
Yeah, but that should have been
our time slot.
478
00:23:15,535 --> 00:23:17,730
Well, I'm just glad
everything's back to normal.
479
00:23:17,837 --> 00:23:20,135
I don't think I was cut out
to be a TV reporter.
480
00:23:20,239 --> 00:23:22,207
Yeah, how did you lose
your job there anyway?
481
00:23:22,342 --> 00:23:24,503
Oh, I don't know. Do you really care, Peter?
482
00:23:24,611 --> 00:23:27,205
- I mean, does anyone really care?
- Yeah, you're right.
483
00:23:27,447 --> 00:23:29,881
The story's over.
Everything'll be back to normal next week.
484
00:23:29,983 --> 00:23:31,644
So, yeah, who gives a damn?
485
00:23:31,751 --> 00:23:33,514
Anybody got any more jokes? Stewie?
486
00:23:33,820 --> 00:23:36,721
Anything funny? No? Brian? Meg? Chris?
487
00:23:37,323 --> 00:23:39,951
No? All right, see you, folks.
488
00:24:16,763 --> 00:24:17,730
English - US - SDH
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