All language subtitles for Family Guy - 07x11 - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven.DVDRip MACRO.English.orig.Addic7ed.com

It seems today that all you see

Is violence in movies and sex on TV

But where are those
good old-fashioned values

On which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy

Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

All the things that make us

Laugh and cry

He's a family guy

The annual Quahog Star Trek convention,
where once a year,

sci-fi buffs take their lips off
the barrel of a loaded gun

and spend half a day
adjusting their eyes to sunlight.

Brian, look.
I purchased authentic blueprints

to build a Star Trek transporter.

Well, that's great, Stewie. You should get
William Shatner to sign them for you.

No way.
I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it.

Picard has it all over Kirk.

He's poised and measured
and doesn't wear a cheap rug.

Rather, he accepts even baldness
with a quiet cool that says,

"I am in command. You are safe with me.
I will cradle you in my arms

"through any crisis in any galaxy. "

- Are you queer?
- Probably.

Dad, this is stupid. I'm so bored.

How can you be bored?
This convention has everything.

You can even try on LeVar Burton's VISOR.

Why would he wear these?
Who would invent these for him?

And in conclusion, whether your dreams
are earthbound or set in the stars,

follow your heart and make it so.

He said the thing he says on TV!

Now the cast and I would be happy
to answer a few questions.

Yes, so many questions!

Me! Me! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart!
Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart!

Stu! Stu! Stu!

Yes, you there.

Yes, I have a question.

Oftentimes my household sponges
accumulate an awful amount of buildup.

What can I do to prevent this?

That's an excellent question.

It's very important to thoroughly
wring out your sponges after every usage.

This will prevent the accumulation
of grime and bacteria.

A dry sponge is a happy sponge.

That's not a Star Trek question.

I have a question for Jonathan Frakes.

I have this itch on the back of my leg,

and I can't figure out
if it's a bug bite or dry skin.

- Do you take hot showers?
- Yes.

- Dry skin.
- Thanks.

These aren't Star Trek questions.
What the hell?

I have a question for Gates McFadden.

I've got an artesian well on my property

and the water pressure is lousy.
Any suggestions?

I would check the point first
before re-priming it.

But remember that the summer months
take a particular toll

on any region's aquifer,
depending on the local climate.

This is horse shit!

And that's the last question. Thank you
for coming. You've been wonderful.

You bastards!

I'll get my question answered
one way or another.

All I'm saying is that in the episode
"Relics," when Scotty rematerialized

on the Jenolen,
he referenced Captain Kirk still being alive,

which is ridiculous
because he knew he watched him die

on the Enterprise B
Generations.

There's a perfectly simple explanation.

He was caught in
a transporter pattern buffer for 75 years

and Riker mentioned a 0.003%
signal degradation,

which would account
for Scotty's memory loss.

Well, well, look what
we have here, Jonathan.

Yup, looks like we got ourselves
a couple of nerds.

Give me $6.

Oh, my God! What a great costume. Meg.

Meg, come take your picture
with this space-alien guy.

- No, Dad. I don't want to.
- Come on. It'll be funny.

What a wonderful novelty photo
this will make.

Thanks so much, buddy.
Hey, how'd you make that awesome mask?

It's not a mask. I have the mumps.

What? You came to a Star Trek
convention with the mumps?

You could be infecting people
with the disease.

Yeah, like that old gypsy did to
Britney Spears in that Stephen King book.

Thicker!

Well, Meg has the mumps all right.
How is it she was never immunized?

Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't
be bothered with anything

that didn't involve Dan Cortese.
Besides, what's the big deal?

- I never got a mumps shot.
- Really?

Well, I'd caution you
that getting the mumps as an adult

could result in serious complications.

In some cases, the symptoms
could spread to the testicular glands.

Big deal. So I'll wear socks.

Mr. Griffin, your testicles
are not in your feet.

- Well, where are they?
- Under your penis.

Are you kidding? I always thought
those were two little sandbags

to keep flood waters
from floating into my bum.

No. No, I'm just poking
at your funny bone. I am quite alarmed.

I don't think you realize the danger.

Like the people who think it's okay
to bring shampoo on an airplane.

So I told Brenda, "I work hard.
I like a clean house when I come home. "

And now I'm the bad guy.

Oh, I know exactly where you're coming...

Ow! It's in my eyes!

See, Chris, come here.
Come here, look. Check it out.

Holy crap! No way!

I know, huh? Classic.

I got to forward this to my bud.

Meg, I know you hate having to be
in bed all day.

But your father's bringing in the old TV.

- Hey, Meg.
- Peter, what the hell?

I don't want to catch the mumps, Lois.
Here's your TV, Meg.

It's a little old and there's no remote

and it only gets one channel
and it's not on that channel right now.

Chris, check it out. Jackass Number Two.

This whole day has been
one big laugh riot.

- Finally!
Up next, Kirk Cameron...

Ooh!

...to talk about God.
- Oh.

Hi. Welcome to the Religion Channel's
number one show,

Kirk and the Lord, Just Hanging.

With me, Kirk Cameron.

Today, I'm gonna tell you why God
will always be there for you,

even in the worst of times.

No, thanks.

But first, are you lonely, picked on,
unappreciated, disliked,

not totally happy
with your physical appearance?

- Go on.
- Are you unloved?

Do you feel like no one cares about you?

Meg, your mother made soup for you.
Here you go, honey.

Well, you know who does love you?
The Lord.

Here's your milk.

Rupert, my transporter is complete.

If my calculations are correct, the
The Next Generation

will soon be here to answer
all my questions.

Wait a minute. Something's wrong.

All right, you girls ready?

What's going on?

Don't you laugh at it.

Good morning, Mom and Dad.

Wow! Look who's finally out of her room
after five days.

Oh, you're alive. I guess
you are gonna need that college fund.

Chris, do Daddy a favor.

In the garage,
there is a very expensive show camel.

Please return him to the bazaar
for a refund.

- We have to give away Humpy?
- I told you not to name him.

- So, you feel better, Meg?
- All better, Mom.

I was made well by the hand of God.

"This is the day that the Lord hath made.
Let us rejoice and be glad in it. "

Meg, what are you talking about?

I'm talking about God, Mom.
I've been reborn.

That's right, folks.
It's gonna be a Meg episode.

Stick around for the fun.

Here's the clicker.
No one would blame you.

What do you mean you found the Lord?

I've been washed in the blood of the lamb.

Kirk Cameron explained it all to me.
The Lord is my savior.

It's that damn religion channel.

She was watching it all day
while she was bedridden.

I want to share the word of God
with everyone I know,

starting with my family.

Now, everyone hold hands,

because we're gonna say grace
before we eat.

Dad, would you like to do the honors?

Are you kidding?
I'd love a chance to shine.

All right, Peter, this is it.

Dear Lord, please give me the cheat
codes for Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!

I have been stuck on Bald Bull
for four years.

I tried left, left, up, B, dodge,
uppercut, but he still knocks me out.

And, you know, they say
you're supposed to go

right, B, up, dodge, left, uppercut...

Listen to me telling you
how to play the game.

Hey, you want to see a sweet porn
website? Follow me upstairs.

I know what you're thinking,
"Whoever heard of an erotic Chinese?"

But there it is.

All right. Let's try this again.

It's them! I did it!

The Next Generation
is here to answer my questions.

What the hell? Where am I?

What's going on?

Greetings, everyone.
My name is Stewie Griffin.

I've transported you all here
against your will.

I'm a huge fan, and you're going to answer
all my questions.

- But you're a baby.
- Yes. That's right, Denise Crosby.

That was a warning. Please do not speak
unless you're spoken to.

Now, question number one.

- What's it like on the set?
- The show's been off the air for 15 years.

Although I will say
it was an awful lot of fun.

You know, when Patrick
wasn't hogging the limelight.

Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later
you've still got that attitude.

Oh, my God,
I am already having a fantastic time.

- Ooh! Hey, let's spend the day together.
- Hey, that sounds like fun. Ow!

- Shut up, Wil.
- Stop it, Patrick.

You know, I think you should all be nicer
to Whil Wheaton.

The way I treat my colleagues...
Wait, what?

I said you ought to be nicer
to Whil Wheaton.

- You mean Wil Wheaton?
- Yes, Whil Wheaton.

Why are you saying it like that?

What? I'm just saying you should be nicer
to Whil Wheaton.

Whil Wheaton seems like a nice guy.

- Say "wheat. "
- Wheat.

- Now say "Wil Wheaton. "
- Whil Wheaton.

- Wil Wheaton.
- Whil Wheaton.

- Wil Wheaton.
- Whil Wheaton.

- Wil Wheaton.
- Whil Wheaton.

- Wil Wheaton.
- Hey, did you hook up

- with Whoopi Goldberg on the show?
- All the time.

Meg, what the hell? I was watching that.

It's time for Kirk Cameron.

And I think it's important for all of you
to hear his inspiring message

- about the word of God.
- Again, Meg?

You know, I think it's wonderful
you found something to have faith in,

but there's such a thing as moderation.

Mom, you sound like a nonbeliever.

Brian, you're a thoughtful person.

Are you willing to open yourself up
to God's truth?

You're barking up the wrong tree, Meg.
I'm an atheist.

- What's that?
- I don't believe in God.

- What? Brian, how can you say that?
- Why, I just thought you knew.

I mean, I never go to church.
You know how I feel about that.

No. Brian, it's one thing to bash
organized religion,

but we believe in God in this house.
I mean, an atheist?

That's just about the worst thing
a person can be.

You're not gonna get anything
for Christmas, Brian.

- Guys, I'm just trying to say...
- Shut up, beast.

I have dominion over you.
And I command you to believe in God.

I'm sorry. I just don't see any evidence.

I mean, look at the Hubble Telescope.

It's discovered untold wonders
of a vast, unexplored universe,

but not one picture of a guy with a beard
sitting around on a cloud.

I mean, what's he doing up there?

You know, you keep talking like that,
God's gonna get you, Brian.

He's gonna get you with the Kodak Disc.

Oh, God's gonna get you
with the Kodak Disc

I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

Hey, where the hell is my van?

Stewie, I'm not really
much of a fast-food eater.

Yeah? Can you read my mind?
Can you tell what I'm thinking right now?

I'm thinking, "Shut up and get a salad. "

- I want some McNuggets.
- We'll get to you, Brent.

I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger.
I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake...

You'll get nothing and like it.

- Uh, hello?
Yes. Welcome to McDonald's.

- Can I help you?
- Hailing frequencies open, huh?

Okay. Yeah.

We're gonna get two McChicken
sandwiches, and a Diet Coke.

- And what do you want, Michael?
- A McDLT.

No. I already told you
they don't make those anymore.

You know, sometimes it's a regional thing.
You could ask.

No McDonald's anywhere
makes a McDLT anymore.

I'd love a Shamrock Shake,
if they've got any of those.

It's September, Jonathan.

Stewie, can I take this
goddamn headband off?

No, LeVar. You're blind.
That's the only way you can see.

I'm just saying they have
all the ingredients for a...

Just hang on, all right?
There's a lot of us in...

There's a lot of... It's a big order.

- What time do they stop serving breakfast?
- It's 3:00.

- Some of them serve breakfast all day.
- None of them serve breakfast all day.

Do they have beer?

Hey, Brian.

In hopes that you'll open your heart
to God,

I wanted to give you this cross.

No, I don't want a crucifix.

Would you want it if I threw it over there?

No. Please don't do that.

- You gonna get it, boy?
- No. Please, no.

Go get it, boy.

Okay. I'll take Jesus back now.

Brian, Kirk Cameron
is the one who converted me.

But unfortunately he's not available.

So I got his younger brother
from Growing Pains.

Will you guys buy me a case of Sudafed?

Don't you want to tell Brian about Jesus?

They got my picture up at the drugstore
and they won't sell me any Sudafed.

I'll make it worth your while.

- Ben.
- Dad.

Ben, what have I told you about trading
sexual favors for Sudafed?

Look, Meg, I've had enough of this.
You're not gonna convert me.

But, Brian, I just want you to feel the joy
that I feel.

I mean, the church makes me feel
accepted and safe

and part of something bigger than myself.

But, Meg, you don't need
an outside voice to feel those feelings.

They're inside you.

What you call God is inside you, all of us.

And I just hate to see people
hating and killing each other

over their own interpretation of what
they're not smart enough to understand.

- You see what I'm saying?
- Oh, I do, Brian.

And I think I know just what to do.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.
Our top story tonight:

Just when you thought the world
couldn't be any more dangerous,

Channel Five News has discovered
that there is an atheist among us.

Local churchgoer and junior
Christian soldier Meg Griffin

has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin
of Spooner Street.

Here's the reaction from city hall.

Shocking to say the least.

I'd rather have a terrorist
living in our midst.

At least they believe in a God,
even if it's a smelly brown God.

Meg, how the hell could you do
something like this?

If a man hath ears, let him hear, Brian.

All right, what's...
What's the worst that could happen?

This is the 21st century.
People are tolerant.

Well, this is nothing.
Probably just a random act of violence.

I thought only he without sin
could cast the first Prius.

Oh, my God! That was a close one.

- Brian, what happened?
- I'm a pariah, Lois.

Ever since Meg told everyone
I'm an atheist,

I'm the most hated person in town.

I tried to rent a movie
and they threw me out.

I tried to buy a pack of cigarettes
and they threw me out.

But the most serious part of it is
no bar would serve me a drink.

I'm starting to get pretty desperate.

Okay, just remember to act confident.
You're gonna do great.

You look real grown up.

Uh, yes,
I'd like to buy some alcohol, please.

- Okay, can I see your ID?
- I don't have one.

- You don't?
- No, it's me, Chris.

- Oh, hey, Chris.
- Hey, Carl. Can I buy some alcohol?

- No.
- Oh, okay.

- Hey, you know what's a great movie?
- The Reaping?

Yeah. Why are you dressed
like John Lithgow?

Well, if you ask me, I think laying off
the sauce could do you some good, Brian.

Yeah, right.
If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen.

I hope he finds faith of some kind.

You know who doesn't have
all these problems? Marmaduke.

All he does is eat pies off the high counter.

Next time around, we're gonna get
ourselves a big, tall, pie-eating dog, Lois.

- Okay, Peter.
- Or Howard Huge. Let's get Howard Huge.

Great. We have a game plan.

Hold it together, Brian. Hold it together.

Come on. You know you want a drink.

Yeah, come on, Brian, drink us.

Come on, drink me.
What are you waiting for?

Yeah, you big silly ass.

Just wrap your lips around me
and take a big gulp.

Get to the chopper.

All right, everybody got
your bowling shoes?

- Everybody got your balls?
- I don't have my shoes.

Jonathan, we were just up at the counter.
Why didn't you get your shoes?

- I don't have my shoes, either.
- What the hell?

You need your shoes to bowl.

Now, why exactly can I not wear
my loafers?

What is the danger there?

Because, Patrick...
Because, Patrick, those are the rules.

Well, I think it's just because
they want another $1.50 from me.

All right, I'm putting our names in.

- Brent.
- No, no. Don't put Brent.

Put Rock Kickass.

I don't know how to change it.
I already typed it in.

For mine, put Dirk Diggler.

I'm not gonna put everyone
as a fake name.

How do you want to do the teams?

How about the white guys
against the black guys?

Patrick, don't be an instigator.

- I have to pee.
- Brent, take Michael

- to the bathroom, please.
- Okay.

Look at me. I've got girl boobs.

Hey, Meg, guess what? I've seen the light.

- Really?
- Yes.

Hallelujah! I believe in God!
Lordy, Lordy, I believe!

- Brian, that's fantastic news.
- I know. I know.

Hey, you mind spreading the news
around town?

Say maybe down at the liquor store?
Maybe down at The Clam?

Of course, Brian.
But first we have work to do.

God's work. And God will be happy
that you're joining me.

Then I say let's celebrate the way
they did in the Bible. With wine, red wine.

You know, like Jesus drank.

- Do you like the wine?
- Very much. What is it?

It's my blood.

- I have to leave.
- Nah, sit down.

Thanks for setting
everyone straight, Meg.

I feel the warm, healing, liquid presence
of God's genuine, cold-filtered grace.

It was my pleasure, Brian.

And now we get to do the work
of the Lord.

- Come on.
- What? What are we doing?

God's will, Brian.

- A book burning?
- Come on. Grab an armful.

We have to destroy everything
that's harmful to God.

Meg, I can't be a part of this.
And neither should you.

What are you talking about?
I thought you'd seen the light, Brian.

Well, to be honest, I lied for booze.
But, Meg, you're a smart girl.

You ought to be able to see
that what's going on here is wrong.

You are not gonna turn me
from my faith, Brian.

Okay, fine. Then let me just ask you this.

If there were a God,

would he have put you here on Earth
with a flat chest and a fat ass?

- I'm made in his image.
- Really?

Would he give you a smoking hot mom
like Lois

and then have you grow up
looking like Peter?

Well...

And what kind of God
would put you in a house

where no one respects or cares about you,

not even enough to get you
a damn mumps shot?

Oh, no! You're right, Brian. You're right.

I'm sorry, Meg.

But what is there to believe in
without God?

Where do the answers come from?

Well, that's all part
of the human experience.

It's what we're here to find out.

And I bet you that the real answer
to the nature of our existence

is gonna be more unimaginably amazing
than we can possibly conceive.

Rob? Did you hear that?

Hear what?

I swear I heard something.

Adam, we have been over and
over this. There is nothing under your bed.

There is nothing in the closet.
There are no such things as monsters.

All right?

- All right, I guess.
- Good.

Now, try to go to sleep

'cause we got to get up in the morning
and make movies.

We're big Hollywood actors.

Yeah, we are.

This was exhausting.

This whole experience
was absolutely exhausting.

You people have ruined
The Next Generation for me.

You are absolutely
the most insufferable group of jackasses

I have ever had the misfortune of spending
an extended period of time with.

I hope you all fucking die.

I still have five prize tickets
from the carnival.

There was nothing for five tickets.
We've been over this.

Well, but LeVar and I were going to
pool ours for the fuzzy-troll pencil topper.

Oh, yeah? You gonna share that?

Yeah. We were gonna share it.

Really? How was that gonna work?

Three days at my house, three days
at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.

For a pencil topper?

- I have to pee again.
- That's it. Goodbye.

Fuck!

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