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Oliver, darling, they're laughing.

It's your death scene.

They're laughing at your death scene.

I don't believe it.

I even cried when I did it.

Yes, I'm crying now.

That must be where you take another drink of the poison.

Mr. Manager, what's wrong with that audience?

It's not the audience, Mr. Merlin.

How do you do, Miss Samara.

It's not the audience?

I am afraid it's the picture, Mr. Merlin.

They don't believe it. - What?

It's the same trouble you had with the last picture you

produced, Mr. Merlin.

There's something missing, the human touch or something--

I don't know what.

Ah, but wait till you see our next picture.

It is wonderful!

I hope so.

He hopes so.

Hazel, the movies!

All the way from Hollywood!

They're taking pictures down by the lake.

Come on. Let's go.

Oh, I saw the one they made down there last year.

It wasn't very good.

Ooh, look-- actors!

Oh come on, Hazel.

We're all ready for you, Miss Samara.

OLGA SAMARA: Coming.

My coat.

Coat.

Oh, you look beautiful.

Who's that?

The leading man.

Mr. Roland, Miss Samara.

How do you do?

CREW 1: Hurry up with that crane.

Well, I don't want him up there.

I want him here. - Yes, of course.

Will you please step right down here?

- A pillow. - Yes, a pillow.

Yes, sir. That's fine.

Pillow.

Hello, Oliver darling.

Hello.

Now, Miss Samara, about this scene--

Mr. Lawrence, please.

I want to know this.

Do I love him here?

Yes and no.

You love him, but he's promised you a career as a great dancer.

You're loving him and dreaming of this career

while you're saying goodbye to your little home

in Switzerland.

I see.

I love him, and I love myself.

All right. We'll make it.

Stand by. CREW 2: Clear out.

CREW 3: Speed.

Start your action!

Oh, darling, I've dreamed of love so great

that I would be swept away.

You love me like that?

Yes.

My home, my little Alps mean nothing to me.

Oh, darling.

OLGA SAMARA: You have brought me love.

And tomorrow, you will bring me fame.

Then you'll come with me?

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, Igor, don't leave me here or my heart will break,

break, (EMOTIONALLY) break.

Cut.

Print that.

Now we move in for the close-ups.

Let me have my finder.

Where are the stand-ins?

HAZEL DAWES: Wasn't that awful?

She's very pretty.

Yes, if she were an international

spy who steals the papers.

What papers?

Oh, any papers-- plans for the new navy or something.

But she's supposed to be a country girl.

You know what?

ADA: What?

I don't think any of those people,

the actors, or the director, or anybody, ever were in love.

They certainly would know better than to carry on like that.

ADA: Some author wrote the words.

HAZEL DAWES: Oh, I bet he wasn't ever in love either.

Come on.

Let's go get a soda before we begin acting like them.

I think he's awfully handsome.

Yes, but what kind of talk is that?

"Oh, Igor, my heart will break, break, break."

Sounded all right to me.

Strawberry sundae, and sprinkle some aspirin on it.

Aspirin?

Aspirin.

You don't think much of the movie they're making, do you?

It's probably the author.

No, I'm not the author.

That manuscript was found in a bottle.

Well, you can return the bottle

and get your two cents back.

Ada.

Why do you think it's bad?

Well, it wasn't bad.

It was just kind of crazy.

It wasn't like life.

Are you connected with the picture in any way?

Sort of.

I'm the producer.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

My name is Merlin, Oliver Merlin.

What's your name?

Hazel Dawes.

Oh, I'm sorry if I sounded fresh.

I guess I ought to mind my own business, but--

well, I thought everything sounded so unreal.

Unreal, eh?

I hope I haven't made you mad.

Maybe it'll be a wonderful movie when it's done, if-- if only--

If only what?

Well, if only it could be simple and human.

That's amazing.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes, and you're hired.

Hired?

Now listen, I hope that you won't misunderstand

me if I talk to you man to man.

You won't, will you?

No, I won't.

I'm a producer of movies.

I can buy wagonloads of poets and dramatists,

but I can't buy common sense.

I cannot buy humanity.

Well, I don't know why, Mr. Merlin.

There's an awful lot of it.

Yes, I know.

But the moment I buy it, it turns

into something else, usually genius,

and it isn't worth a dime.

Now, if you could stay just as simple as you are,

you would be invaluable to me.

Invaluable?

Me?

Well, what do you say?

About what?

About coming back to Hollywood with me.

Hollywood?

Oh, why, I couldn't do that.

Why not?

Well, because I can't act or write.

Well, I don't know anything.

Really-- nothing at all.

That statement alone makes you unique and invaluable.

Please, Mr. Merlin.

Why, I'm not even a stenographer.

My dear Ms. Dawes, I have all the stenographers

a great executive can crave.

There's only one thing I like, and that's a sense of humanity.

You've made me realize what my pictures need.

Now, come along with me.

I'll put you on my staff.

I'll give you a title--

"Miss Humanity."

Don't rush.

You can finish your ice cream soda.

WOMAN: Got a light? - Yes.

SECRETARY: Hello.

Call back, please.

Mr. Crane is busy.

I'm sorry you'll have to wait.

Hello.

Call back, please.

Mr. Crane is busy.

Hello.

No, Mr. Crane's in conference.

You'll have to call later.

Mr. Crane said he wanted to see me.

I'm sorry. You'll have to wait.

Mr. Crane can't be disturbed.

He's very busy.

Oh, B, did you love me at first sight too?

Yes, dear.

And will you always love me?

Yes, dear.

And will you get me in pictures?

Yes, dear.

Basil.

Yes, dear.

OLIVER MERLIN (OVER INTERCOM): What?

I mean, oh, yes, uh, uh, yes, Mr. Merlin.

What are you doing?

Just wrestling with a casting problem.

Well, drop it for a moment.

Yes, sir?

I want you to dig me up a nice innocent young woman

and rent me a simple innocent little house

away from the studio.

That's a heap of innocence on such short notice.

What sort of innocence did you prefer, Mr. Merlin-- blond,

brunette, or a little of each?

Ah, don't be fresh.

I want a young woman to act as chaperone to someone

I just brought to Hollywood.

I get it.

Well, then, get busy.

Glory, from now on, you're a chaperone.

A what?

A chaperone.

Come with me.

I'll get you an advance from the cashier.

Yoo-hoo!

That's the first advance you've made that's really touched me.

No, you'll have to wait.

No, no, too busy, too busy.

Everybody out.

No more casting today.

I want this room cleared when I get back.

Well, that's that. Come on.

Let's get going.

Oh well, now, come, come, come.

Don't be silly. - What do you mean?

Well, you've got to show a little fight here.

But you heard what the man said.

Are you going to listen to him or what I say?

Now, stick around.

Well now, perhaps you're right.

Yeah.

After all, I--

I feel that I have something.

Of course you have.

I know they'd hire me if they could see that English picture

I made at Twickenham on Rye.

Yeah, very good ham--

uh, picture.

Yes.

Remember that romantic episode with Dolores?

Remember it?

The papers are full of it.

No, no, no.

I mean in the picture.

Oh, yes, yes.

Yeah, and that didn't help you any either.

Yeah.

Well, at least I have one big scene--

that moment when I said to Dolores, "Just

one good night kiss, my dear."

What?

Just one good night kiss?

Are you kidding?

I was never more serious in my life.

Well, you must be mad.

It's out of the question. - Listen--

No, no, no, no.

Listen, please, just one kiss.

No.

A thousand times nay.

But why?

Oh, you won't respect me.

Yes, I will.

No, you won't.

Yes, I will.

I promise.

Oh, you're hurting me.

Please?

Can't we just be chums?

No.

Must we go through all this again?

I'm afraid so.

Oh!

No, no, no.

Why?

Oh, I don't know.

I'll hate myself in the morning.

Oh.

All right, come on.

Let's get going.

Why waste our talent here on four walls?

Yeah.

Well, you can go if you wanna.

I'm gonna stick.

You are?

All right then.

I'll stick with you.

After all, I can't desert a pal.

(LAUGHING) No.

Well, that's pretty good.

I thought you'd see it that way.

You're no fool.

Now-- now, when this Mr. Basily, when he comes in, see,

uh, we'll use tact.

I see.

Watch me.

Hello, nosebleed.

Who said that?

Uh, come out of there, you coward.

There must be a ventriloquist around here.

I told you no more casting today.

Isn't he a silly-looking fellow?

- What's that?

Say, would you mind not breathing on me?

I'm getting covered with soot here.

Why, you hickory-headed heckler.

Go on. Get out of here.

Say, wait a minute.

The producer said he wanted me in this picture.

He said that?

Yes, he did.

- When did you see him? - Well, I was in his off--

- Are you sure he said that?

- Well, did he?

Uh-- no.

Yeah.

But he might have.

Listen, you fugitive from a picket fence,

now I will throw you out.

- Say, you can't call me that. - OK.

I'll flip you, so help me.

I'll mow you down.

Now, hold me back now.

You hold me back.

You-- you-- you mouse-head, you.

Look me in the face and say that.

He's got me there.

I can't bear to face him.

What's that last crack?

Say, this looks like a three-alarm,

if I'm any judge of fire.

Oh, I'm too big a man to bandy words with you.

Take that echo out of here.

I know who's doing the talking.

Well, what are you looking at me for, then?

Oh, fiddle-faddle.

He fiddle-faddled all over me, didn't he?

Well, my dear, I've been in Hollywood a long time,

and nothing ever startles me.

I just say, that's Hollywood.

But when Mr. Crane tells me to chaperone

the boss's stenographer, I'm startled like a fawn.

Well, I'm not a stenographer, really.

Oh, then that clears up the mystery.

I'm not startled anymore.

Well, I think you misunderstand.

It-- it's sort of, um, a mental arrangement.

Oh, I see--

brain buddies.

Well, I'm supposed to criticize Mr. Merlin.

Well, I wouldn't take that side of the job too seriously.

Always remember it's the smile that wins.

Well, I don't blame you for being baffled, Miss Wood.

It is sort of strange, my being in Hollywood and everything.

Oh, there's nothing baffling about it.

You're Little Bo Peep and I'm Mother Goose.

And free rent is free rent.

Are you ready, Miss Humanity?

I'll be right down.

Hey, was he calling you?

Yes, that's his name for me.

Oh, you better be careful.

That name will look kind of funny in the newspapers.

Oh, I've been dying to see the studio

and meet some of the actors and people.

Oh, you have, eh?

Well, you're not going to meet anybody.

Actors are beautiful, charming people but dangerous to talk

to off the stage.

But Glory's an actress.

I know.

But my casting director assures me that she's different.

Well, here we are. Come on.

Get under a blanket.

Come on, quick!

- Get him off me. - Take it easy.

Take it easy. - Get him off.

Lie down.

Stand up! RITZ BROTHER 1: Retreat!

RITZ BROTHER 2: Do something. RITZ BROTHER 3: Lie down.

- Stand up. - Stand still.

- Advance. - Retreat!

Roll over. Roll over.

Do you hear me?

Get that truck out of there.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Who owns this outfit?

RITZ BROTHERS:

Well, get out.

Get out of here!

What do you mean by bringing this infernal racket

into my studio? RITZ BROTHERS: Your studio?

Go away.

You're bothering us.

Wait a minute.

It's Merlin.

- Merlin? - Merlin?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Why, Mr. Merlin, how do you do?

Glad to see you.

Glad to see you.

Mr. Merlin, we'd like to address you in our animals.

You're producing "The Forgotten Dance," aren't you?

Yes.

Well, forget it.

The thing to remember is animals.

And when you think of animals, think of us.

Now get this thing out of my way.

I'm producing a love story, not a circus.

My pictures have class and beauty.

Beauty! - Wait a minute.

Just a moment--

Mr. Merlin, use our beasts to make your pictures

a howling success.

Who do you think sold MGM the lion?

RITZ BROTHERS: We did.

And who sold 20th Century the Fox?

RITZ BROTHERS: We did.

And who sold Path the rooster?

RITZ BROTHERS: We did.

And who do you think went into the jungle

to bring him back alive?

- Who? - Who?

- Who? - Did we?

Listen, I'm getting--

Now, you butt out of this.

Now, I-- - Wait a minute.

Oh, just a moment.

Now, listen-- take this portable zoo out of here.

I don't use animals.

I use actors. RITZ BROTHERS: Actors!

Yes, sir!

Oh, Mr. Merlin, what do men and women spend

millions of dollars betting on? RITZ BROTHERS: Horses.

And what does every woman keep in her kitchen?

RITZ BROTHERS: A pussycat.

And what is man's best friend?

RITZ BROTHERS: A dog.

And what do children cry for?

RITZ BROTHERS:

No, animal crackers.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I don't want any animals.

I don't need any animals. And you--

ALL: --fellas can't sell me any animals.

Wait a minute.

Just take Homer and his squad.

He played in "Home on the Range."

"Home Sweet Home."

Give him the bird.

No, this bird.

And--

--the Pecking Penguin.

She pecks, and pecks, and pecks, and pecks.

But I don't want any penguins.

- And take Dino the Duck. - I told you.

I don't want any animals. - Be quiet, friend.

- Police! - monkey.

- Police! - There they are.

Police!

Get this animal off of me here, somebody.

Get him off, boys. Come on.

--over here.

RITZ BROTHERS: Whoa!

Whoa!

Get 'em out of here!

Hey, stop that man!

Steer around and go in the back gate.

Yes, sir.

Is Hollywood always as crazy as this?

Yesterday it was midgets.

Did you get those fellows?

ALL: Yes, sir.

Ho, ho!

Hoo, hoo!

All ready, Mr. Lawrence.

I want another rehearsal before we start to shoot.

- All right. - All right.

Now, this is just a rehearsal, no cameras.

Oh, I'm terribly excited.

What am I going to see?

Do you know the story of "Romeo and Juliet?"

Sort of.

This is a dance number based on that idea.

Romeo loves Juliet.

But his family likes jazz dancing,

and her family likes ballet dancing.

It develops into a competition.

Well, who wins?

Well, that's what I want you to decide.

Well, I can't decide that.

All I know is what I like.

Well, so much the better.

There are 200 million people who only know what they like.

And they're all sitting up here on

this balcony with their mouths open and their eyes shining.

Now, if you like it, you nod your head.

And that will be 200 million people nodding.

That's an awfully big nod.

Well, did you forget to nod?

Oh, it's wonderful, but--

do they die like that?

Well, it has always ended that way.

Oh, I didn't know Romeo and Juliet died.

I'm awfully sorry.

Well, what would you want them to do?

Why, I'd want them to get up, and their parents

to come in and forgive them, and be married afterwards,

and be happy.

It's amazing.

No one ever thought of that finish for "Romeo and Juliet."

Well, why not?

If 200 million people want Romeo and Juliet to live,

I won't be stubborn.

Now, come on.

Get out of sight.

Uh, Mr. Murphy.

Uh, yes, Mr. Merlin.

I want to change the ending.

Change the ending?

I want the lovers to stand up and dance.

I want the parents to come out.

I want everybody dancing.

I want the hearts of the world beating with love and triumph.

Now, come on.

Hurry up.

Let's see it.

Yes?

You were lovely, Olga, marvelous.

And I'm keeping the ballet in the picture with a new ending.

See you later.

Oliver, wait a minute.

Uh, terribly sorry.

Can't do this tonight.

Thank you for dancing so beautifully.

Darling, please.

You don't take me out anymore.

And I'm so hungry.

Tomorrow, Olga, lunch-- vodka, caviar, champagne, anything.

You are wonderful.

Oliver, let me look at you.

You have changed.

What has happened to you?

Oh, an amazing thing, Olga.

For the first time in my life, I'm beginning to appreciate

the simple human things.

Do you understand what I mean?

Understand?

Of course, because I am simple and human myself.

All right.

Annette!

ANNETTE: Oui, mademoiselle.

I am tired.

Tired-- you understand?

Oui, mademoiselle.

Fill my bath with whipped cream.

ANNETTE: Oui, mademoiselle.

Now, let's go over the plot again.

You're a talented and ambitious country girl.

A man comes along, takes you to Venice,

fills you full of promises and hopes,

and then leaves you for an opera singer.

So you take up with a gigolo.

But I wouldn't do that.

But he's a nice gigolo.

He plays the accordion.

Why does he play the accordion?

Well, because the actor that I've engaged for the part's

an accordion player.

And I thought it would be a good idea if he played it.

Well, I wouldn't go with a gigolo

no matter how well he played the accordion.

You wouldn't, eh?

No.

I'd rather meet somebody nice that I could really

fall in love with, because, well, to me,

love is more important than fame.

It's amazing.

Uh, Granite 1121.

Maybe you'd flirt with a gigolo just to avenge yourself.

How about that? - Why, no.

That would be silly.

It would hurt me more than it would him.

The villain, I mean.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, casting department.

Somebody simple and honest--

that's the sort of a person you'd turn to, wouldn't you?

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Hello, Basil?

What are you doing?

I'm holding a meeting.

Well, drop it.

Now, listen, Basil-- the gigolo is out.

I know she's heartbroken.

But she's sweet and real.

And she wouldn't throw herself away on some goofy gigolo.

Now, get me a hero, somebody worthy of her.

I want a simple, honest youth, a sort of gondolier

who supports his family.

Now, get me a human being who can sing.

Round me up every human tenor in Hollywood.

Well, now we can relax.

The conference is over, and I'm as hungry as a wolf.

This is marvelous.

What is?

Do you know that this is the first time that I've ever

seen coffee actually cooked? - No.

Well, excepting once in a picture called

"Hearts to Trumps."

And that time, there wasn't any water in the pot.

We tricked it.

Is it very exciting?

Terrific.

You're a great help to me, Miss Humanity.

I don't know how.

Well, you are.

I'll get the sandwiches.

It's amazing.

OK, Hank.

CREW 4: Over here ..

CREW 5: Stanley, lower your--

CREW 5: --lower your microphone about four inches.

Face it this way.

Hold still, will ya?

All right, boys.

I want to kill the shine.

now.

Hello, Mr. Day.

Do you know your lines?

Do I know my lines?

You mean do I know my line?

Yes, sir.

Why, I've been sitting around here for eight

weeks waiting to say it. - Oh.

Well, run it over once for me.

Yes, sir.

Why do you grieve for that impresario, the rat?

That's fine.

I know it backwards too--

rat the impresario that for grieve you do why.

I like the first way better, all right?

Just a suggestion.

I had to do something while I was waiting.

Oh, this is your first time before the camera, Mr. Day,

isn't it? - I don't know yet.

Do you mean you're actually gonna photograph me?

Just as soon as Miss Samara gets here.

Oh, call Miss Samara again.

She's on her way.

You're not kidding?

We're gonna start lights, action, camera?

- Yes, sir. - Gee.

Oh, here she comes.

That's a gorgeous costume.

Who is this?

Oh, this is Michael Day. He plays the--

How do you do?

Hmm.

Now, this is the scene, Miss Samara.

You are lonely, sad.

And I say, why do you grieve for that--

Please.

Mr. Lawrence, I want to know this.

Do I love him here?

Well, you see, I come in--

Please.

You are lonely in Cuba.

No one loves you.

What?

No one loves me?

I won't do it.

Where's Mr. Merlin?

Now, Miss Samara, everybody loves you.

Oh, I see.

Everybody loves me.

But I am sad.

Mm-hmm.

How do you do?

How do you do?

That's the spirit.

Now, Mr. Day comes around the t--

Hurry up.

I'm feeling sad.

Yes, of course, Miss Samara. We'll make it.

All right, places, everybody. Stand by.

This will be a take.

CREW 6: .

CREW 2: Quiet!

Turn 'em over.

For you, Mr. Lawrence.

CREW 7: Rolling.

At last, I'm in pictures.

CREW 3: Speed.

Now?

Now.

Why do you grieve--

MR. LAWRENCE: Cut!

I'm doing wrong?

Heh.

Looks like we're all doing wrong.

Mr. Merlin is calling off the production for a few days

for rewriting and recasting.

Fine.

Then I shall go to Honolulu.

But Mr. Lawrence--

Sorry, old boy.

Wrap 'em up.

But look, eight weeks I've been on--

- Just give me that accordion. - That's all, folks.

- One li--

Mr. Lawrence-- eight weeks I've studied this line.

Look-- why do you grieve for that impresario, you rat?

Eight weeks and it's been changed!

CREW 8: Save the light.

I-- I had the one line.

Heads-up, please.

Rehearsing one line for eight weeks.

Gangway! Gangway!

Gangway!

What's happened with this part I've had for eight weeks?

Shh!

Shh!

I've got to see Mr. Merlin right away.

You can't see him. He's looking for a human being.

What is all this?

They're supposed to be human beings.

Shh! Shh!

Well, I'll wait.

(SINGING MECHANICALLY) And when to the battle they rode,

their dangers they were sh--

Now, you're making love to a very beautiful girl.

Now, say passionately, "I love you."

(UNCERTAINLY) I love you.

Yes, of course.

Of course.

Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Crane will see you.

Basil.

BASIL CRANE: Next!

- Do you have your music? - Uh, yes, sir.

- Please.

(SINGING DRAMATICALLY) Oh, star of eve, thy tender beam--

Let me hear you act, very briefly.

Say, "Darling, I am the happiest man in the world."

(OVER-EARNESTLY) Darling, I'm the happiest man in the world.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Crane will see you.

Thank you, sir.

Basil.

No, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

It's our Basil.

Oh, right, sir.

Mr. Westinghouse, please.

Please.

Thank you.

(SINGING IN TENOR) Gone are the days when

my heart was young and gay.

Gone--

MR. LAWRENCE: Mr. Westinghouse--

that will be all I need.

Mr. Westinghouse, the part calls for acting as well as singing.

Yes.

The scene has romance and feeling.

Let me hear you say, "My darling, I'll

love you until I die."

(IN DEEP BASS) My darling, I'll love you until I die.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, Basil.

Thank you, Mr. Westinghouse.

Thank you, sir.

Come here. Come here.

Yes, sir.

I want a human being.

Or is that asking too much to find in Hollywood?

All right.

Bring them in in bunches.

Yes, sir.

Come on in bunches.

Come on!

Ooh.

Get outta here.

RITZ BROTHERS:

Oh.

How did you get in here?

I don't want animals!

I want tenors!

RITZ BROTHERS: Tenors?

We are tenors, Mr. Merlin.

Get out of here.

Just a moment, sir.

Just a moment.

Get out!

Here you are.

Play that.

ALL: (SINGING) Old man Jenkins had a cat.

He lost his cat one day.

Ooh, hoo.

And when he couldn't find his cat,

you'd hear old Jenkins say, oh, here,

pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, puss.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, puss.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Where is the gosh-darned cat?

Oh, old man Jenkins found his cat.

With great relief, he sighed.

Ooh, hoo.

But then again she ran away.

So poor old Jenkins cried.

Oh, here, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

(SPEAKING) Here, pussy.

Here, pussy.

Here, pussy.

Where's pussy?

Here, pussy, pussy.

Hello, pussy, pussy, pussy.

Hello.

Here, pussy.

Here, pussy, pussy.

Here, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

RITZ BROTHER 1: Here, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.

ALL: (SINGING) Where's the gosh-darned cat?

That's enough of this!

Now get out of here!

ALL: (SINGING) Just a moment.

Just a moment.

Old man Jenkins missed his cat.

Life didn't mean a thing.

Ooh, hoo.

So old man Jenkins changed his style.

He called to her in swing.

Oh, oh, pussy, why'd you leave?

Oh, pussy, hear me grieve.

Oh, pussy, listen now with a whoo and a cat's meow.

Oh, pussy, out in the aisle, oh, pussy, in the reign of style,

oh, pussy, hear us scat.

Take a rhythm break for the sake of a cat.

Meow.

Meow.

Meow.

Take it.

Oh, pussy, swing on down.

Oh, pussy, don't look now.

Oh, pussy, why'd you roam?

Oh, pussy, pussy, please come home.

All right, come on.

Get these cats out of here.

That one on the floor, there, pick him up.

Come on. Hurry up.

Hurry up.

One more experience of this kind and you're through.

You're fired.

But Mr. Merlin, I didn't know who they were.

I don't want any argument about it.

Who's next?

MICHAEL DAY: Mr. Merlin! - This gentleman.

Oh, hello, Mr. Day.

What's the trouble?

Mr. Merlin, what is there to this ugly rumor

that my part's been cut out of the picture?

Well, I have other plans for you, Mr. Day.

See me later. I'm very busy now.

All right, send him in. - But Mr. Merlin--

Mr. Merlin-- Mr. Merlin, do you realize the time I

spent learning to be a gigolo?

Why, it took me eight weeks to grow these.

I know, Michael. I'm sorry.

But we're changing the story.

What I want you to play now is a doorman.

A doorman?

From gigolo to doorman, what a part.

All day long I do nothing but open doors.

Oh, no, you do more than that, Michael.

Yes, I close them too.

Oh, you don't understand.

This is not an ordinary doorman.

This is a doorman with a heart.

How old is this doorman?

Well, I want him to be about 75 years old.

Ha.

I, in my prime, in the flower of my youth,

I'm going to make my debut in the movies

as a 75-year-old doorman.

Mr. Merlin, I ask you, is that ??

But look, Michael, it's a very sympathetic character.

You're an old, old man.

Your youth is wasted.

Hmm.

You're telling me.

You befriend a heroine.

You give her refuge in your little hut.

But Mr. Merlin, I look too young.

They'll suspect something.

Well, dig up a simple white beard.

And when you're flashed on the screen,

you'll break a million hearts.

I'll break a million and one hearts.

What do you mean?

You're forgetting mine.

You'll never regret playing that doorman.

Why, it's a Lionel Barrymore part.

And I'm entrusting it to you.

Now, come on.

Go to the wardrobe department.

Get yourself a costume and a hump for your back.

I can't play the accordion with a hump on my back.

Get a small hump.

Mr. Merlin, my future!

Now, Michael, Michael, there'll

be no doubt about your future after the preview

of the picture.

I can see the newspapers the following morning.

Yep.

And I'll be selling them.

Please.

Oh, Basil.

Call up that Santa Monica number and tell

that party that I'll be a little late for that conference.

Ah, I get it.

No, no, you're wrong.

It's mental-- the brain.

Oh, I wouldn't know about that.

Listen, Miss Humanity, are you going to sit here

all night waiting for him?

Or can we break jail and make for a hamburger?

But he said he wanted to have a conference

and was coming right out.

Is there anything in your contract against eating?

No, I can eat, but only in the places

where there aren't any actors.

Come on, then.

(SINGING) Nothing seemed to matter any more.

Didn't know where I was heading for.

Time was standing still.

No one counted till there came a knock,

knock, knocking at my door.

Love walked right in and drove the shadows away.

Love walked right in and brought my sunniest day.

One magic moment and my heart seemed

to know that love said hello, though not a word was spoken.

One look and I forgot the gloom of the past.

One look and I had found my future at last.

Oh, then and there I found a world completely new,

when love walked in with you.

I'll have some on toast.

Oh, sorry.

I didn't hear you come in.

You sing awfully well.

Thanks.

I'm the last of the lunch wagon tenors, Danny Beecher.

At your service.

Available for clam bakes and front porch harmonizing.

What'll you have?

Oh, anything.

No squabs.

I suppose we'll have to wind up with a hamburger.

The same.

Two hamburgers coming up.

With or without?

Without.

With.

Do you sing anywhere else except here?

No, miss.

I'm just one of Hollywood's army of hidden geniuses,

content to practice my art at my work.

Well, it's a good thing you're not a contortionist.

You said it.

May we have another song while we're waiting?

What?

Do I hear cries of "encore"?

Please.

Well, uh, keep your eyes on the hamburger in case

I get swept away.

(SINGING) One look and I forgot the gloom of the past.

One look and I had found my future at last.

Oh, then and there I found a world completely new,

when love walked in with you.

Oh, I've had the most wonderful time, really

the first fun since I came to Hollywood.

Well, aren't you being a bit obvious about it?

For all you know, he might have a wife and a couple of kids.

I heard that remark, miss.

And in denying every rumor, I wish to say that I am childless

and, according to the last census report, unmarried.

Now may I take you ladies home?

Oh, not me.

I've got a date with a certain party.

Good night, Hazel, and watch out for your sense of humanity

when you're crossing the street.

Good night.

Good night.

Do you live near here?

Just down the street.

Oh, that's too bad.

I was hoping it'd be a long walk.

But maybe you'd like to go exploring.

I heard there's an ocean near here.

And we could sit on the beach and get sunburned.

Tonight?

I'm sorry.

With you, it seems like the sun is shining.

But you won't care if I make other suggestions, will you?

You see, uh, you're the first girl I've spoken

to informally for some time.

And well, I'm a little out of practice.

Well, I'm sure I won't notice your shortcomings, Mr. Beecher.

You see, I'm a little out of practice too.

This is where I live.

So soon?

I haven't had time to make half the suggestions

I wanted to make.

Well, I think for a man who's supposed to be out of practice

that you do pretty well.

I guess your father's waiting up for you.

Who?

Well, there's someone sitting in there.

Oh, yes, well, I'll say good night, Mr. Beecher.

I guess that's final, then.

What is?

Good night.

Or would you say that we were going to see each other again?

Just as soon as I get hungry again, I'll look you up.

Me and the hamburgers will be waiting for you

with a song on our lips.

Maybe the next time, we can walk in another direction.

Good night.

Good night.

Well, a pretty time to come dragging in.

Where have you been? - Oh, I just--

You haven't been to a movie, have you?

Oh no, I haven't disobeyed your orders.

I went out to get a hamburger.

A hamburger at this hour of the night?

Well, 200 million people must eat.

That's true enough, true enough.

Do you want your coffee now or later?

No, later on.

I want to talk to you.

Listen, my authors have just handed

me a marvelous rewrite job.

They've figured out a wonderful twist.

Twist?

OLIVER MERLIN: A twist, a switcheroo.

Switcheroo?

The old twist-ola.

Now, listen-- the girl picks up with a human being,

but he finds out about her past.

It drives him crazy.

And in one of the finest scenes I've ever read,

he denounces her.

What?

Yes, you know.

But he's got an honest and human heart, so he leaves her.

Now then, she meets an old man with a long white beard

and a hump on his back who plays the accordion.

The boy leaves her?

Like a shot.

He can't stand sin.

Well, it may be a switcheroo, but it

sounds awfully unreal to me.

Unreal?

For an honest man to leave a woman with a past?

But if he loved her, he wouldn't

leave her, not if he were real.

That's amazing.

Granite 1121.

Yes.

Then she wouldn't meet the old man with the accordion.

Does he play the accordion too?

Why, uh-- uh, Mr. Crane.

You look tired.

I think I've been working you too hard.

Well, I was thinking of something else.

Well, now, you just forget about everything

and take a look in those boxes over there.

Hello, Basil?

What are you doing?

Well, drop it.

, Basil.

The hero doesn't walk out on the girl.

I want him to forgive her.

Well, he forgives her anyway.

And Basil, kill the old man with the beard.

He's out.

We'll find something else for him.

Any luck with a gondolier?

Well, keep listening.

Never mind your ear drums.

I'll see you in an hour.

Oh!

Oh!

OLIVER MERLIN: Do you like it?

Oh, it's beautiful!

You'll look beautiful in it.

I had our wardrobe make it for you.

I have tickets for the opera tomorrow night.

Leona Jerome is singing "Traviata."

And if you like her, I'm going to put her in the picture.

You're going to take me to the opera?

It's part of your job.

Oh!

Well, I've got to run along.

I'll see you tomorrow night.

I'm tied up for dinner.

But I'll call for you afterwards.

Oh, uh, one more question, Miss Humanity.

You're not too tired to think, are you?

Oh, no.

If there were a man, Hazel, with a dreadful past--

oh, a hideous past--

and some nice, honest girl who loved him found out about it,

what would she do?

Would she leave him?

Why, no, not if she loved him.

Thanks.

Good night!

Thank you!

I'm afraid Mr. Crane won't like this getup, Charlie.

Oh, nonsense.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Well, you certainly have flattered him,

right to the beret.

Yeah, isn't it ducky?

Oh.

Oh, you gorgeous little ..

Oh.

You heard what she said.

Yeah.

If you're a pal, you'll go.

But quickly.

Oh, I want you.

Huh?

I must have you for my picture.

You-- you--

Oh, we'd be delighted.

Will you go?

As you were saying.

Tell me-- can you romance?

Can I what?

Can you woo?

Can I woo?

Woo, woo, woo!

No, I mean, can you make love?

Oh.

Sister, I'm a loving fool and a fool to love.

I want a man who can take me in his arms and hold me tight.

Tighter.

Tighter.

Yeah.

Can you do that?

Uh, no.

But I can do this.

Ah, but can you do this?

You got me there.

Oh, you darling.

OLIVER MERLIN: Olga. OLGA SAMARA: Oliver.

Why aren't you rehearsing?

Oh, come here.

What is it?

Look.

Isn't he a doll?

Yes, he's cute.

You're holding up the whole company, Olga.

Oh, they can wait.

I must have him near me in the picture.

But Olga, you can't have everybody in the picture.

They're--

Either he's in or I am out, positively.

How do you do, young man?

Would you like to go into pictures?

Yes.

Wouldn't you, Charlie?

Well, I don't know.

Ah, but you must.

Of course he would.

He's very talented.

Oh, come, come, come.

You see, I've had so many offers--

ouch.

Don't be a fool.

- I know what I'm doing. - But--

Uh, tell me about the picture.

Is it good?

Is it good?

It's terrific.

Now, listen-- we fade into a very beautiful pastoral scene.

I wouldn't like that.

Then we'll change it.

We can't change it.

- We will. - Come, come.

Don't quibble.

Uh, can you pay us more than our other offers?

Yeah-- what offer?

Oh, yeah, the big offer, yeah.

How much have you been getting?

Well, uh, s-- some weeks we make as high as, uh-- well,

we can make as high as, uh--

Yeah.

Of course, then again, it will fall off a little.

It's bound to fluctuate, you know.

OLIVER MERLIN: How much do you want?

Uh, what can you afford? That's .

You could pay him 3,000 a week, couldn't you?

- What? - That isn't enough.

I must have 3,025.

OLIVER MERLIN: 3,025?

My dear fellow, money isn't everything.

I don't know if I'd be happy here.

Oh.

Oh, oh, oh.

Well, there is that to consider.

Now look here, I'm going to give you a pass to the studio.

I want you to look around.

And if you think that you'll be happy, come and see me.

Grab it.

Shall we go slumming.

Thank you.

Come along, Olga.

You will think it over, won't you?

I shall meditate, my lambie-pie.

Mm-hmm.

Then .

Cucaracha.

Oh, oh, oh.

Charlie, what's the matter with you?

What have I done now?

I can't understand you.

Here we have a contract practically

under our nose for $3,000 a week,

and you almost queer it by asking for an extra 25.

What is the $25 for?

After all, you've got to live too.

Oh.

(IN IMITATION) Oh.

Well, gee, I didn't know you was a duchess, lady.

To think I've been entertaining royalty unawares.

Relax, .

Her Highness has always been very favorably disposed

towards the House of Hamburger.

Thank you, ma'am.

I am going to the opera, but I feel a need of a slight snack.

Do you, uh, have any squabs this evening?

You mean-- you mean you want something to eat?

If it's not too much trouble.

Oh, not at all, me lady.

Danny's Roost is famous for its opera parties.

What will you have with your filet mignon, champagne

or, uh, burgundy?

Burgundy will do.

Burgundy it is.

1923-- the finest vintage.

Water.

Oh, you look beautiful.

And you're going to the opera.

- Mm-hmm. - What are they singing tonight?

"Traviata."

Oh, that's a honey.

I used to go to all the operas, sit right in the front row--

in the gallery.

Oh.

Gee, I wish I could--

What?

Ah, nothing.

"Traviata," huh?

The lady what died of a broken heart, slight ..

ALL:

ALL:

ALL:

Do you like her?

Oh, yes.

Then I'll put her in the picture.

AND CHARLES KULLMAN,

ALFREDO:

ALFREDO:

ALFREDO:

Have you ever heard "La traviata" before?

Once.

I'll be in projection room number 1.

Mr. Merlin, are these costumes OK?

Fine, thank you.

Mr. Merlin--

Yes?

Mr. Merlin, you don't know who I am?

I'm sorry, old-timer. I'm very busy.

- Why-- - Now see the casting director.

But Mr. Merlin!

Mr. Merlin.

Mr. Merlin.

Now, please, old-timer.

Old-timer?

I even fooled you, eh?

Look.

Hello.

What?

Pretty good, eh?

Listen to this-- little girl, I will take care of you, ehhhh.

No, I'm sorry.

- What's wrong? - I'm sorry, Michael.

We had to change your part again.

Changed again?

Why, Mr. Merlin, this is the Lionel Barrymore part,

remember?

I give her refuge in my little hut.

I have it.

You'll be a French customs officer.

- I won't do it. - She escapes across the border.

You give her refuge.

Yeah, in my little customs house.

Exactly.

Now pick yourself out a simple black beard.

Why not a Bluebeard with eight wives?

Oh, no.

I want you to have a continental flavor.

Yeah, raspberry.

Now, believe me-- if you play this part, Michael,

the public will go for you.

And how they'll go for me.

Why did I want to be in pictures?

Why did I want to be in pictures?

(SINGING) Love walked right in and drove the shadows away.

Love walked right in and brought my sunniest day.

One magic moment and my heart seemed to know--

--that love said hello--

--though not a word was spoken.

One look and I forgot the gloom of the past.

One look and I had found my future at last.

Oh then and there--

BOTH: --we found a world completely new,

when love walked in with you.

You have a very human voice, Mr. Beecher.

Why are you selling hamburgers?

Well, I really came to Hollywood to

some movies, but no soap.

All I got was a lot of promises.

Well, I'd go sing for some casting director.

And he'd say, swell, great, crazy about you, Mr. Beecher.

But you're not quite the type for the part--

too young.

And on Wednesday, you're underweight.

And on Friday, you're just the baby they were looking for,

but they'd already signed somebody else for the part.

So on Saturday, you open up a hamburger wagon.

Would you still like to go in the movies?

Yeah, I like, but they don't like.

Oh, but don't worry, Hazel.

I'll wear 'em down.

By the way, I forgot to ask you.

Do you like actors?

Oh, certain kinds.

Why?

Well, I'd hate to turn into a star only to find out

you were the type of a girl that couldn't stand actors.

Don't worry.

I'll write you.

Please, Mr. Beecher, will you send me your picture

and say something nice on it?

I'll send it back to you framed in hamburgers.

"To Hazel Dawes, my first and sweetest admirer.

Yours with onions, Daniel, a lunch wagon tenor."

Drop it.

Aunt Glory has some news for you, Danny boy.

Good?

Good?

You're on the air tonight with Mr. Crane's Hollywood Rebels.

I'm on the air?

GLORY WOOD: It was an uphill struggle,

but you're on the air.

Isn't that wonderful?

Oh, I'm so glad.

Oh, thanks, Glory.

It's her idea.

Hazel--

Hey, break it up.

You've only got three hours to clear up your throat

before you go on the air.

Are you scared, Danny?

Scared?

I'll be singing to you.

And if other people listen in, that's their ..

If only Mr.--

some, uh, big movie producer would listen in.

Uh, that's possible, Hazel.

Hey, come on!

Miss Samara-- how about going over tomorrow's love scenes?

With you?

Huh.

Impossible.

You're supposed to be director.

But what do you know about love?

In Russia, when a man holds you, he crushes you,

and you are in heaven.

Ugh.

Leave me alone.

Well, what did you want me to do?

Kiss you?

I want you to go.

Go!

OK.

Oh, I miss those beautiful moonlight nights

on the banks of the Volga, where the big, strong, wonderful

men used to sing to me.

Well, I'll see you later, fellas.

- Yeah, see you tomorrow. - Yeah, yeah.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Who is it?

Countess!

Who are you?

Who am I?

I am Boris Vladistovstankovich, fugitive from the Moscow Art

Theater, matinees Mondays and Fridays.

And I don't like mountain music.

But I love you.

Oh.

I have always loved you.

Ever since I was a little boy, I have loved you.

You have loved me ever since you were a little boy?

Yes, but today, I am a man.

Ah, for five years, I have planned this meeting.

Yes?

Yes.

And today, I complete my five-year plan.

Ah, when I think of those beautiful nights on the banks

of the Volga, I could take you in my arms

and crush you and crush you.

Ah, those nights on the banks of the Volga.

Ah, those bank nights.

Ah.

BOTH:

When I sang to you--

OTHER RITZ BROTHERS: Na na na na na na na na na.

Ya na na na na na na.

Na na na na na na na na na na.

Princess!

But Boris, before, you called me Countess.

I'm promoting you.

Tell me, what were we doing?

You were about to take me in your arms and crush me.

Mm-hmm.

Then I shall continue where I left off.

Ah.

This crush reminds me of that night at the Cafe ,,

when I sang to you--

OTHER RITZ BROTHERS: Na na na na na na na na na na.

Ya na na na na na na na na.

Duchess!

First you call me Countess.

Then you call me Princess.

And now you call me Duchess.

You are everything to me.

Make love to me again.

Ah.

Ah.

You are the most beautiful creature I have

loved since I came from Minsk.

But Boris, you told me came from Moscow.

I moved.

Oh, kiss me.

You're big and strong like the Volga boatmen.

OTHER RITZ BROTHERS:

La la la la la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la la la.

La la la la la la la.

Countess!

It was nobody.

Oh, .

Boris, where are you going?

I don't know, but I'll be right back.

Take it.

Princess!

Boris!

You are yourself again.

Who else should I be?

Oh.

Woof.

Boris, are you leaving me?

Yes, but not for long.

Take it.

Duchess!

Wahoo!

Boris!

You go out so weak and come back so strong.

That's what you think.

Oh.

Boris, don't you like my loving?

Wahoo.

Wahoo.

Wahoo.

Wah--

Wahoo?

Wahoo?

Who?

Ooh.

Woo.

No, thank you.

ELLA LOGAN (ON RADIO): (SINGING) Life was as sweet as apple pie.

Never noticed the rain till you came by.

But now, whenever you're away--

You seem nervous.

I'm not, really.

Is it because the villain has gotten you in his clutches

at last?

No, you can't frighten me.

I know you're not a villain.

Oh, I've had a lovely dinner.

And you have a beautiful house.

You make it seem so, for a few minutes.

Thank you.

I like Mr. Crane's program.

Well, let's have our coffee in the other room,

where we can hear it better.

ELLA LOGAN (ON RADIO): (SINGING) --tinging

all through I feel somehow.

I was doin' all right, but I'm doing better than ever now.

Loud enough?

Oh, it's fine.

Thank you.

BASIL CRANE (ON RADIO): Ladies and gentlemen,

I have a big surprise for you, a dark horse tenor, a young man

who came from nowhere who will erupt

in dulcet melodies for your approval, Mr. Danny Beecher!

I don't think I can stand listening to another crooner.

Do you mind if I turn it off?

Oh, no.

Let's listen to him.

He may be some poor boy who has been waiting

for this chance for years.

All right.

(SINGING) It's very clear our love is here to stay.

Not for a year, but ever and a day.

The radio, and the telephone, and the movies

that we know may just be passing fancies and in time may go.

But oh my dear--

I didn't invite you here to make love to you.

Just to get a little better acquainted so sometime when--

DANNY BEECHER (ON RADIO): (SINGING) Together, we're--

OLIVER MERLIN: My dear, you're not listening to me.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

I was listening to the song.

You like his voice?

He sings wonderfully.

(SINGING) --Gibraltar may tumble.

They're only made of clay.

But our love is here to stay.

The more I read the papers, the less

I comprehend the world and all its capers

and how it all will end.

Nothing seems to be lasting.

But that isn't our affair.

We've got something permanent.

I mean in the way we care.

Rather nice.

Probably some fat youth with buck teeth.

Oh, no he--

doesn't sound like it.

(SINGING) --our love is here to stay.

Not for a year, but ever and a day.

By George, he is good.

DANNY BEECHER (ON RADIO): (SINGING)

The radio and the telephone--

He has a first-rate voice.

DANNY BEECHER (ON RADIO): (SINGING)

--and the movies that we know--

If only he's a human being.

I'm sure he is.

If he can only say "I love you" nicely.

I think he could, very well.

DANNY BEECHER (ON RADIO): (SINGING) --oh my dear--

I'll have him in tomorrow.

And if your hunch works, he's our gondolier.

DANNY BEECHER (ON RADIO): (SINGING) --to stay.

Together, we're--

You look so beautiful tonight.

Forgive me if I hold your hand and admire

you more than I've ever admired any young lady

in my whole life.

DANNY BEECHER (ON RADIO): (SINGING)

In time, the Rockies may crumble, Gibraltar may tumble.

They're only made of clay.

But our love is here--

our love is here to stay!

Bonjour, mademoiselle.

Bonjour.

Ah, .

Ma cherie, come into my little custom house.

Bonjour.

Hello?

Oh, yes, Mr. Merlin.

Uh-huh.

A Russian impresario.

Yes, Mr. Merlin.

What's wrong now?

You have been changed again.

Changed again.

I feel like a nine-pound baby!

What do you think I feel like?

Oh, why did I want to be in pictures?

OLIVER MERLIN: Uh, Beecher.

Well, hello, Mr. Merlin.

My boy, if you're as good in the picture

as you were in your tests, you'll be a sensation.

I'll try hard.

Well, you better get on the set in case

they're waiting for you.

If I still have some time, I want to phone somebody.

Romance?

Well, so far, just on my side, I'm afraid.

Well, I think she'll listen a little more tenderly now

that you're on your way to stardom.

I'm glad you're in love.

It'll make you work harder and act better.

Go to it, Danny Beecher.

There's the road to fame, and fortune, and the girl you love.

Thanks for opening the door.

CREW 2: Quiet.

MR. LAWRENCE: Start your action!

LEONA JEROME:

OK, print it.

That's fine, Miss Jerome.

Now, let's get set up for that boat scene.

Oh, do you know your lines, Mr. Day?

Do I know my lines?

I know them in Pig Latin.

That voice!

La countess-- I thought she was in America.

At-thay oice-vay!

La ountess-cay-- I ought-thay e-shay as-way in America-ay.

That's all right, but you better brush up on your accent.

You're not kidding me.

That phone's gonna ring any moment,

and the part will be changed to a Swiss bell ringer.

That's the picture business, Mr. Day.

Yeah, picture business.

All right, let's hurry up that scene, boys.

At-thay oice-vay!

La ountess-cay-- I ought-thay e-shay as-way in America.

Hello, darling.

Haven't you left the house yet?

No.

Uh, listen, Danny.

I don't think I can be there.

I've got a headache, sort of.

Oh, that's not fair.

We start shooting a scene in a half an hour.

And well, you've got to be present to inspire me.

Well, I'll inspire you from here.

Really, I don't feel like coming.

Oh, you're scared.

You're scared I'm gonna be a flop.

You're afraid I'm gonna make a monkey of myself.

Is that it? - Oh, ho.

Let me talk to her.

Wait a minute, darling.

Mr. Merlin wants to talk to you.

He's a producer.

And his word is law.

Hello.

I guess she hung up.

Well, I'll just have to get my inspiration from afar.

I know how you feel.

Oh, that's better.

That's the-- oh, much better.

Oh, much, much better.

Oh.

Oh, Charlie this has got to stop.

What's the matter now?

We've been here for a week, and all we've got is a pass.

When do we start acting?

Oh, foo, actors.

They're much too common here.

I think I shall become a director.

Yeah. - Director?

What do you know about directing?

Well, all you need is the experience

and the ability to say "cut!"

And, uh, that's, and, uh, and, uh--

And what?

Uh, what was I saying?

About experience.

Oh, yeah.

I'll get that later.

Ah, there you are.

Ah, there you are, la countess.

That voice-- I thought she was in America.

But on your whiskers.

I know you.

Put on your whiskers. I know you.

- Cut! - Quiet!

Can't you see I'm rehearsing my lines?

Oh--

Charlie, you mustn't interfere with the gentleman's acting.

Mr. Merlin doesn't like it.

Neither do I. Cut!

Quiet!

If you don't keep quiet, I'll call the doorman.

Ooh, doorman.

Why did I have to say doorman?

I'll call him.

Doorman, woo-hoo!

Quiet!

Ah, there you are, la countess.

That voice-- I thought she was in America.

Cut!

That's silly.

What do you mean it's silly?

Is she America or isn't she in America?

No.

Well, then who cares what you thought?

Cut that line out.

Now listen here, you.

Be careful

how you speak to me, young man.

I'm the director of your next picture.

Charlie, how can you say such a thing?

Now remember your position too.

You're only my assistant.

I apologize.

You wanna watch that.

Oh, I'm sorry, gentlemen.

If you don't like that line, I'll cross it out.

I figured you would.

Now continue with your part.

Yes, sir.

Ah, there you are.

La countess-- that voice!

Cut!

If she speaks, everybody knows it's her voice.

Cut that line out too.

Don't you agree?

Well, I--

I knew you would.

Yes.

Uh-- that voice!

Shall I take the "countess" out?

No, I'll do that myself.

But continue.

Ah, there you are.

Come with me to the race track.

And there we will see the horses run neck to neck.

Cut!

Everybody knows horses run on a race track.

Mine don't.

What's that?

I'll cross out "the race track" and leave "the horses

neck to neck." - Yeah.

No, that's too much necking.

Cut one neck.

One neck cut.

Yeah.

Uh, shall I leave "the horses?"

Oh, definitely.

Now let's hear what you've got, with feeling.

Ah, there you are, you horses neck.

What?

Cut!

Toot, toot!

One side.

Places, everybody, places.

Where's Mr. Day?

He was here a minute ago.

Mr. Day!

Mr. Day!

Mr. Day!

Here I am. CREW 2: Can you get in there?

You're holding us up.

MR. LAWRENCE: Will you please stay on the set?

Do we always have to hunt for you?

I was just rehearsing my line.

MR. LAWRENCE: All right, all right.

Get in the boat. - I know, but you don't--

Oh, please!

My dress.

CREW 7: Rolling.

CREW 3: Speed.

Stand by.

Start your action!

OLGA SAMARA: Darling, you have changed

since we came to Venice.

MICHAEL DAY (OVER SOUND BOOTH SYSTEM): That voice!

La countess-- I thought she was in America.

To the dock!

No.

Hurry.

No.

Oh, please.

I see you later.

I must pay my respects to the countess.

OLGA SAMARA (OVER SOUND BOOTH SYSTEM): Don't leave me.

Igor.

Igor!

Don't cry.

Who are you?

Just what you see--

a simple gondolier.

But you seem so different--

so real, so human.

Then perhaps if I sang for you, you'd forget to cry?

You may try.

(SINGING) Venice in June, the music has started.

Lanterns aglow, the mandolins play.

Happiness soon, so why be down-hearted?

Love will enthrall you.

It's a call you must obey.

Spring again, it's time for your heart to sing again.

It's time for laughter to ring again.

It's time to fall in love.

June again, look at that yellow balloon again.

Look at that silvery lagoon again.

It's time to fall in love.

Tonight, magic is filling the air,

making it thrilling to dare.

Finding out whether two hearts can dream together.

Spring again, it's time for couples to cling again,

to leave this world and to wing again up to the gates above.

It's time to fall in love!

"Darling, I don't care what your past has been.

Love is more important.

And it's spring again."

Oh, that's much better.

"Spring Again"-- you should have heard him sing that song.

I want you to meet him sometime.

Meet him?

Well, after all, didn't you discover Danny Beecher?

if it hadn't been for your lucky hunch,

I never would heard him over the radio.

It's amazing, isn't it?

Yes, it's quite a coincidence, sort of.

Sheer fate.

He's a nice fellow, too.

He's got that, uh--

that something.

On second thought, I don't think I want you to meet him.

I don't want any actors talking to you,

or you'll lose that human touch.

The reason that everything has gone so wonderfully

is that no actor has been able to change you.

Well, now, I--

Now, now, I know what I'm doing.

You've done a great job on "The Forgotten

Dance," Miss Humanity.

And even a greater job with this producer.

After this picture is finished, I'm going to confess something.

Well, after the picture's finished,

I think I'm going to have to confess something too.

Well, well.

I think I'll try to boil a couple of eggs.

You're going to boil eggs?

I feel so good that I might even scramble them.

(SINGING) Spring again, dee, dee, dee. (SPEAKING)

Go ahead to the next scene.

"The Water Nymph Ballet"--

oh, Oliver, you are going to do it.

Oh, yes, I'm going to do it, because you like it.

You haven't been wrong yet.

The only thing that worries me is that I like it too.

"Fade in on a romantic semicircular colonnade.

In the center, a boy sits gazing into a pool of water.

The dance begins with girls and boys appearing

behind the colonnade."

All right, let's get started.

Light 'em all.

Hello, Mr. Merlin.

What are you doing next here, Lawrence?

Three Romans and Danny Beecher's close-ups.

Three Romans?

I don't remember three Romans in the script.

But you hired them, Mr. Merlin.

Did I?

Those wonderful singers, all the way from New Orleans--

do you remember?

I think you're going to like what

I have worked out for them.

Uh, this will be a take.

Stand by.

Quiet.

Turn 'em over.

CREW 7: Rolling.

CREW 3: Speed.

Start your action.

Fish.

Stroke.

Fish.

- Stroke. - Fish.

Stroke.

- Fish. - Stroke.

Fish.

- Stroke. - Fish.

Stroke.

- Fish. - Stroke.

- Fish. - Stroke.

- Fish. - Stroke.

Fish.

Stroke.

ALL: (SINGING) We push.

We push.

We stroke.

We stroke. We fish.

We fish.

We push and poke.

We row and row.

That's all we know.

And as we push and poke, and as we fish and stroke,

we sing this song all day.

Serenade to a fish.

Yoo-hoo, yoo-hoo.

Little fish in the water, if you come into sight,

then it's love at first bite.

Serenade to--

What!

Why, you--

ALL: (SINGING) We were married yesterday.

That why we say, oh--

Ding, ding, daddy.

ALL: Da da da da da da da--

Hello?

Who?

Barnacle Bill?

We'll be right down!

Cut.

Romans, eh?

From New Orleans.

Sorry, Mr. Merlin.

What are you sorry for?

They're marvelous without their animals.

I'm going to sign them on a long-term contract right away.

Listen, won't you come and watch me act, just once?

But I told you.

I'd rather see you on the screen.

But I want you to meet Mr. Merlin.

I've told him about you.

About me?

Well, I-- I said I had an inspiration, and she's been

so darned nice to me.

I want you to meet him.

He's a swell guy.

Some other time.

But we're almost finished.

We're making our last scenes today.

Please, won't you come?

I'll try.

Swell.

You love me?

Oh, yes.

Well, you'll love me even more when you see me on that screen

and realize what a sweet, kind, honest, noble fellow I really

am.

You goof.

If you don't hurry, you're going to be late.

And another thing, my dear--

Mr. Merlin is of the opinion the picture's

going to make me a star.

You won't mind?

Not if you're still Danny.

Now, on your way.

Oh, Mr. Merlin.

Oh, yes, Danny.

Have you seen any of the picture put together yet?

Yes, and it looks great.

Am I really all right in it?

You'll be a star before you know it.

Well, I could, uh, use a raise.

Now, wait a minute, my boy.

You're not a star yet.

Oh, but you said if I--

Now don't get that slant, Danny.

Don't go Hollywood, or you'll ruin yourself.

Now, take it easy.

You've got lots of time.

Go in there and finish your scenes.

MR. LAWRENCE: That's fine. That's the idea.

Now we'll make it.

CREW 6: Light 'em all.

CREW 2: Places, everybody, places.

CREW 9: Places.

CREW 2: Stand by.

CREW 7: Rolling!

CREW 3: Speed!

MR. LAWRENCE: Stand by.

Start your action!

, wait!

Darling, don't leave me.

I don't care what your past has been.

Love is more important.

And it's spring again.

(SINGING) Spring again, it's time for couples

to cling again, to leave this world

and to wing again up to the gates above.

It's time to fall in love!

MR. LAWRENCE (OVER SOUND BOOTH SYSTEM): Cut.

Print that.

Now we move in for the close-up.

Excuse me, Mr. Merlin.

Oliver, are you hiding from me?

What are you doing tonight, Olga?

Me?

You're asking me what I am doing tonight?

Oh, Oliver, I knew you'd finally think of me.

I want you to come to a party that I'm giving at my home

later tonight to announce my approaching marriage.

Your marriage?

You are getting married.

Oh, I am so glad.

I am so happy for you.

(RELIEVED) Oh.

I thought you'd be angry.

Angry?

No.

It is the best thing that could happen.

Get married.

Everybody should get married.

It's amazing.

Danny! Here.

DANNY BEECHER (OVER SOUND BOOTH SYSTEM): Hazel!

You did come to see me!

I'll wait for you outside, Hazel.

Oh, Danny, you were wonderful, just like the first time

you sang to me in the hamburger wagon.

HAZEL DAWES (OVER SOUND BOOTH SYSTEM): Look out.

Somebody will see us.

DANNY BEECHER (OVER SOUND BOOTH SYSTEM): Aw, who cares?

Gee, I love you more every time I see you.

HAZEL DAWES (OVER SOUND BOOTH SYSTEM): Oh, and I love you.

Isn't it wonderful the way everything's

turned out for you?

Yes.

Fame, fortune, and the girl I love--

all because you got hungry for a hamburger one night.

I love hamburgers.

CREW 2: Mr. Beecher.

Yes?

I'd better get out of sight.

You're gonna stay right here.

Are you Hazel Dawes?

Why, yes.

Mr. Merlin would like to see you up in his office.

We'll be ready for you in a second, Mr. Beecher.

You know Mr. Merlin?

Yes.

I've been working for him.

Working?

Here?

No, but in my home, and his home, and oh,

restaurants, and places.

You see, I--

I see.

Sort of an undercover job.

Oh, Danny, Mr. Merlin has been very nice to me,

nice in every way.

How nice?

What's come over you?

Why, it's nothing.

He's like a father to me.

Like a father.

So he was the man waiting at your house the first night

I met you--

and other nights.

HAZEL DAWES: Yes, but--

Well, why didn't you tell me?

Because he didn't want me to talk to anyone.

That's why he rented the house for me,

so I wouldn't have to come to the studio.

He wanted me to stay as dumb as I was when he found me.

And I guess I have.

No, you haven't.

Danny, please.

Don't be silly.

I'm going up and tell Oliver about you now.

Well, you can tell Mr. Merlin from me

that I won't need that raise I asked him for.

My plans have been changed.

What do you mean?

I mean that I've been the dumb one.

CREW 10: Ready, Mr. Beecher.

All right.

Is that all you have to say?

I have to go to work now.

This last close-up is very important.

MR. LAWRENCE: We're waiting, Mr. Beecher.

Coming.

MR. LAWRENCE: All right, stand by.

Start your action.

DANNY BEECHER: Darling, don't leave me.

I don't care what your past has been.

Love is more important.

And it's spring again.

You wanted to see me?

Sit down.

I'm sorry I disobeyed your orders and came to the studio.

It doesn't matter.

You're not with this firm anymore.

Oh.

I'm announcing your retirement from the picture business.

Well, is that necessary?

I mean, who cares?

Hazel, I'm giving a party at my home

tonight to announce our marriage.

I can't marry you.

Why not?

Because I love someone else.

You love him very much?

Oh, yes.

He means everything to you-- his happiness, his success?

Yes.

Then I'm quite sure you'll marry me.

What do you mean?

If I seem unpleasant for a few moments,

please remember that I've been shocked and disillusioned.

Something I thought was perfect turned out to be silly.

But I haven't done anything wrong.

You're not throwing yourself away on a crooner.

I'm the one that's human now, not you.

Why, you don't love him.

You love the thought of running around with somebody who

is going to be famous, talked about, and wanted

by a million autograph hunters.

No, Oliver--

Well, if you think he's going to be famous, you're mistaken.

Because if you insist upon going through

with this idiotic thing, I'm cutting Mr. Beecher out

of the picture and reshooting.

You'd do that?

Yes.

Now tell him that, and then see if he loves you.

I'm calling the casting department

and replacing Danny Beecher tomorrow.

No.

Don't do that.

It won't be necessary.

You won't be sorry, Hazel.

You'll be grateful to me some day.

Gather 'round.

Gather 'round.

I take great pleasure in presenting

one of the stars of "The Forgotten Dance," a man who has

more talent in this little finger, uh,

than he has in this little finger.

And here he is, none other than that famous artist,

Michael Day.

(SINGING) I love to rhyme.

(SPEAKING) I love to rhyme.

A poem-- a poem dedicated to the completion of our new picture.

I wrote this poem in the wardrobe department,

where I spent the best years of my life.

"The Forgotten Dance" is like a tree.

Mr. Merlin is the roots, you see.

Olga and Danny are branches, old chap.

And you, my friend, are just the sap.

Ye-- who said that?

- S-- stop that. - Cut it out, will ya?

(WHISPERING) Here he comes.

Oh, so it's you again.

Tell me, my uninvited pest, how did you happen

to get into this party anyway?

Oh, I just snuck in.

Snuck in.

Pardon the correction, but it isn't "snuck" in.

It's "sneaked" in.

I sneaked in. You sneaked in.

They sneaked in.

You get the idea?

Yeah, uh-huh.

We all got in the same way.

Yeah.

Annoying chap, isn't he?

- I wish you'd keep quiet. - Yes, Charlie.

This is very embarrassing.

It is embarrassing.

I'm a great artist.

Does my music carry you away?

Yes, it does.

But not far enough.

Now, listen here, my talking totem pole,

what did your father say to the stork when you were born?

That's an insult. Take it back.

That's what I thought.

Yeah.

Uh, what?

That's one on you.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'll fix him .

Uh, hey, Day.

Mr. Day to you, dope.

Mr. Dope to you, Day.

Oh, a wise guy, eh?

Say, tell me-- do you believe in reincarnation?

CHARLIE MCCARTHY: Uh, yeah. Why?

Well, the next time you return to Earth,

come COD so I can refuse you.

What a quip.

I'll have to use that on the air.

You have to use which on the what?

I'll have to use it on the air.

Didn't you hear me on Mr. Crane's radio program

last week?

Well, I tried to, but I couldn't enjoy it.

MICHAEL DAY: Why?

Was the radio on the bum?

No, the bum was on the radio.

What am I laughing at?

Mark up one for me, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, Day.

MICHAEL DAY: What do you want now?

Doesn't that thing ever pinch your stomach?

Will you be quiet?

I can't hear myself play.

You lucky devil.

Now, look here, dead end.

I'll have you know I'm very well-liked.

In fact, I grow on people.

Oh, a wart.

I don't know why I waste words on you, knave.

Me, a great Shakespearean actor--

"To be or not to be?

That is the question."

What's the answer?

There is no answer.

Well, why doesn't he hang up?

That's Shakespeare.

Haven't you ever heard of Shakespeare?

Uh, no.

Awfully sorry.

Hate myself for not knowing.

I'm a cad.

Tell me, learned friend, who is he?

Shakespeare's works are immortal.

"Friends, Romans, and countrymen"--

Cut!

"I came to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

Hey, Hamlet, did you ever strike oil?

No.

No, I never struck oil.

Then why don't you stop boring?

Ladies and gentlemen, if the animated clothespin

will be quiet, I will delve into the classics

and play the fourth movement from "The Fifth Symphony," opus

seven, theme six, track five.

All aboard!

Toot, toot.

(SINGING) I love to rhyme--

Hey.

Hey, why don't you get hot?

- Get what? - Get hot.

You know.

Oh, get hot.

- That's it.

That's it.

Yeah, man.

Yeah, yeah.

Chooka, chooka, chooka, chook, chook, chook.

La-di-da da la.

La-di-da la loomp boomp.

(SINGING) I love to rhyme.

The citrus fruit loves to lime.

Heifetz may love to fiddle.

(SINGING) And I love to riddle.

You love to what?

Riddle.

What-- what is it that's two inches long, has, uh,

28 legs, and green eyes, and a sharp stinger?

I give up. What is it?

I don't know.

But it's crawling on your collar.

Oh, he dances too.

Doesn't-- oh.

(SINGING) If that's your riddling,

it's only fair to middling.

In fact, I think you're kindling.

That for your riddling.

What kind of voice have you got?

Is it basso or alto?

Oh, I don't know.

I just sing through my teeth.

Oh, falsetto.

Listen here, wise guy, if you're referring to my voice,

I'll have you know the last time I sang in a theater,

you could hear the applause across the street.

- Yeah?

Who was singing across the street?

Oh--

MICHAEL AND CHARLIE: (SINGING) We can't agree.

It isn't so hard to see the day will never be--

Oh, boy.

Mow me down.

MICHAEL AND CHARLIE: (SINGING) --when you rhyme with me.

That's better.

Shall we go out now?

Is, uh, this where the party is, Mr. Merlin?

Well, I'm rather surprised to see you here, Mr. Beecher.

Well, I've arrived, sort of like the Marines.

Please go away, Danny.

You'll only make everything more difficult.

It's kind of unfair of you, Mr. Merlin,

not to include me in on that conference this afternoon.

- What do you mean? - Please, Danny.

I know what I'm doing.

As I understand it, if Hazel went on loving me,

you'd cut me out of the picture.

MR. LAWRENCE: Now, see here, Mr. Beecher.

You--

Well, I've brought you the scissors.

So I won't be the nation's new love interest,

with all the fans kissing my photographs

and chasing me down the street screaming

for a lock of my hair.

Come on, darling.

I can still cook a hamburger.

I'm sorry, Oliver.

It's amazing.

No, wait a minute.

I don't think I'm going to need these.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I told you

that I would have an announcement to make tonight.

First, I want to thank you all for the very

fine work you've done in making our picture a great success.

I wish that I could reward you all as you deserve,

but being troopers, I know that you

won't begrudge the one reward I have

to give to Mr. Danny Beecher.

I have the great honor, Mr. Beecher,

of offering you a five-year contract

under the banner of Merlin Productions as a singing star.

Sing, Danny.

Sing! - Sing, Danny!

Sing, Danny.

Sing!

Say, what's it all about?

Well, Danny just got five years for singing.

Ye-- he did?

Yes.

That's too bad.

Say, that accordion squeezer ought to get life, huh?

(SINGING) Love walked right in and drove the shadows away.

Love walked right in and brought my sunniest day.

One magic moment and my heart seemed

to know that love said hello, though not a word was spoken.

One look and I forgot the gloom of the past.

One look and I have found my future at last.

Oh, then and there--

DANNY AND LEONA: --I found a world completely--

I've been looking forward to this moment all evening.

Oh, you dance divinely.

Oh, you're so sweet.

Oh, yes.

Uh, uh, can't you get a girl for Bergen, lambie-pie?

Oh.

Oh, I'm so glad you and Hollywood

turned out to be so nice.

Well, we finished a good second.

I'd like to ask you one question, Miss Humanity.

What is it, Oliver?

If you were a movie producer and had lost the girl

you loved, what would you do?

Just the same as you did, because it

was the real thing to do.

(SINGING) Oh, then and there--

DANNY AND HAZEL: --I found a world completely new,

when love walked in with you.