All language subtitles for Stephen Colbert 2020 10 01 Ethan Hawke WEB h264 WEBTUBE_track3_eng

>> THE COMMISSION ON
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES IS

CONSIDERING MAKING SOME CHANGES
NOW TO THE REMAINING DEBATES.

>> SOUNDS LIKE THEY REALLY ARE
SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING THE IDEA

OF POSSIBLY CONTROLLING THE
CANDIDATES' MICROPHONE SAYING

WHY:YOU JUST HIT THE MUTE BUTTON
ON THESE GUYS?

>> AND NOW A PREVIEW OF THE
REMAINING PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES.

>> THESE ARE VERY FINE PEOPLE ON
BOTH SIDES, NO PESIDENT'S EVER

SAID ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

>> FINISH --
NO, SECOND.

HE CAME OUT OF HIS BUNKER,
HAD THE MILITARY USE TEAR GAS ON

THEM SO HE COULD WALK ACROSS TO
A CHURCH AND HOLD UP A BIBLE

( SPEAKING IN SPANISH )
♪

♪
♪

>> TEXAS, OHIO,UPLE --
STAND BACK AND STAND BY,

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO DO SOMETHING
ABOUT ANTIFA -- BARK, BARK --

AND WHITE SUPREMACY.

( BOING )
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE

SHOW" WITH STEPHEN
COLBERT.

STEPHEN WELCOMES ETHAN HAWKE AND
MUELLER INVESTIGATION PROSECUTOR

AROUND AROUND, FEATURING JON
BATISTE AND "STAY HOMIN."

NOW, LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER OF THIS

BUILDING IN NEW YORK CITY.

STEPHEN COLBERT!

>> Stephen: HI, EVERYBODY.

NICE TO SEE YOU.

WE'VE GOT A LITTLE CAMERA PUSH
TONIGHT.

WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT
LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE BREAKING

NEWS: THERE WAS A DEBATE TWO
DAYS AGO.

IT'S BEEN 48 HOURS, AND I'VE
RINSED ALMOST ALL THE BLOOD OUT

OF MY MOUTH.

TUESDAY'S DEBATE WAS A COLOSSAL
WASTE OF TIME THAT DIMINISHED

EVERYONE UNFORTUNATE ENOUGH TO
HAVE WATCHED IT, JUST ASK

MODERATOR AND MAN DEMONSTRATING
HOW MUCH CONTROL HE HAD OVER THE

DEBATE, CHRIS WALLACE.

YESTERDAY, WALLACE DESCRIBED THE
EXPERIENCE AS "A TERRIBLE MISSED

OPPORTUNITY."

KIND OF A TAME WAY TO DESCRIBE
AN UNMITIGATED DISASTER.

I'D LOVE TO SEE YOU COVER THE
HINDENBURG.

>> AND THE FRAME IS CRASHING TO
THE GROUND NOT QUITE TO THE

MORNING MAST.

OH THE MISSED OPPORTUNITY!

( LAUGHTER )
EVEN TRUMP'S INNER CIRCLE WAS

SHAKEN BY THE
PRESIDENT'S AWFUL PERFORMANCE.

AS CNN'S DANA BASH REPORTS:
>> I WILL TELL YOU ONE PERSON

WHO IS FAMILIAR WITH HIS DEBATE
PREP, ANDERSON, SAID THEY

PREPARED HIM "TO BE AGGRESSIVE
BUT NOT TO BE JASON FROM 'FRIDAY

THE 13TH'."

>> STEPHEN: OKAY, NOT FAIR.

THEY MIGHT BOTH BE GIANT
LUMBERING MANIACS WHO HAVE A LOT

OF BLOOD ON THEIR HANDS, BUT AT
LEAST JASON WEARS A MASK!

AND THE REACTIONS IN THE
REPUBLICAN PARTY AT LARGE AREN'T

ANY BETTER.

G.O.P. SENATORS DESCRIBED THE
DEBATE AS "AWFUL" AND AN

"EMBARRASSMENT" AND APPARENTLY
TRUMP'S PERFORMANCE STOKES FEARS

AMONG REPUBLICANS ABOUT
NOVEMBER.

OH, NOW THEY'RE WORRIED?

(AS SENATOR)
"I DUNNO.

WHEN HE IGNORED A PANDEMIC AND
PAID NO TAXES AND CALLED DEAD

SOLDIERS 'SUCKERS' AND 'LOSERS,'
AND ASKED UKRAINE TO INTERFERE

IN OUR ELECTIONS AND WAS
CREDIBLY ACCUSED OF MULTIPLE

SEXUAL ASSAULTS, I THOUGHT,
'THAT'S MY GUY!'

BUT THEN HE INTERRUPTED CHRIS
WALLACE, AND I'M STARTING TO

WORRY WE'RE BACKING THE WRONG
HORSE.

ALSO, DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE DID
TO THAT HORSE?"

TUESDAY NIGHT WAS SO BAD THAT
YESTERDAY, THE COMMISSION ON

PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES ANNOUNCED
IT WILL BE MAKING CHANGES TO THE

FORMAT OF THE REMAINING TWO
DEBATES.

OH, CAN I SUGGEST A SMALL TWEAK
TO THE FORMAT WHERE WE NEVER

HAVE THEM AGAIN?

BUT INSTEAD, THE COMMISSION
SUGGESTS CUTTING OFF THE

MICROPHONES OF PRESIDENT TRUMP
AND JOE BIDEN IF THEY BREAK THE

RULES.

OKAY, BUT IF YOU DO, TRUMP'S
JUST GONNA USE SEMAPHORE!

AND COME ON, WHY ARE THEY
PRETENDING THESE CHANGES ARE

AIMED AT BOTH CANDIDATES?

(AS MODERATOR)
"OKAY, I'M GONNA CUT THE MIC, IF

EITHER OF YOU GOES OFF ON A
DERANGED TANGENT ABOUT SHOWER

PRESSURE OR HOW HOT YOU FIND
YOUR DAUGHTER, IVANKA."

EITHER OF YOU!

BIDEN HOPED THAT SOMETHING WOULD
CHANGE, BUT HE WASN'T

OPTIMISTIC:
>> I HOPE THAT THIS NEXT DEBATE

WILL BE IN FRONT OF REAL-LIFE
PEOPLE.

IT'S GOING TO BE A TOWN HALL.

I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO IT, I
HOPE WE ARE ABLE TO GET A

CHANCE TO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS
THAT ARE ASKED BY THE PERSONS IN

THE ROOM.

BUT GOD ONLY KNOWS WHAT HE WILL
DO.

>> STEPHEN: IS THAT TRUE, GOD?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TRUMP'S GONNA
DO?

>> HELL IF I KNOW, STEPHEN.

I'VE HAD YOUR COUNTRY ON MUTE
FOR THE LAST YEAR.

IS IT STILL INFRASTRUCTURE WEEK?

(DING)
GOTTA GO, THAT'S MY SOURDOUGH.

>> STEPHEN: GOD, EVERYBODY.

BUT DONALD TRUMP'S DEBATE
PERFORMANCE POLLED REALLY WELL

WITH ONE DEMO: NARCISSISTS AGE
74-74 WHO ARE HIM.

'CAUSE HERE'S WHAT HE SAID LAST
NIGHT IN MINNESOTA.

>> I REALLY ENJOYED LAST NIGHT'S
DEBATE WITH SLEEPY JOE.

THE VERDICT IS IN AND THEY SAY
THAT WE, WE, ALL OF US WON BIG

LAST NIGHT.

>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"YES, IT WAS 'WE' UP ON THAT

DEBATE STAGE, ALL OF US WERE
DISGRACING OUR DEMOCRACY.

AND IF WE DON'T WIN IN NOVEMBER,
WE ALL GOING TO JAIL.

BECAUSE WE CHEATED ON OUR TAXES.

REMEMBER, THERE'S NO "I" IN
'ERIC IS THE FALL GUY.'"

DESPITE TRUMP'S CLAIMS, POLLS
SHOW THAT SIX IN TEN SAY THAT

BIDEN WON THE DEBATE.

THE OTHER FOUR SAID THE WINNER
WAS "SLEEVE OF OREO'S DUNKED IN

ATAVAN."

YOU CAN SEE WHY TRUMP'S NERVOUS,
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, "THE NEW YORK

TIMES" POLL OF POLLS HAS BIDEN
UP BY EIGHT POINTS.

NO SURPRISE.

TUESDAY HE GAVE VOICE TO THE
MESSAGE ALL AMERICANS HAVE BEEN

LONGING TO HEAR:
>> WILL YOU SHUT UP, MAN?!

>> STEPHEN: SO TODAY HIS
CAMPAIGN RELEASED THIS AD:

>> SHUT UP.

!

SHUT UP!

SHUT UP!

SHUT THE ( BLEEP ) UP, DONNY!

>> I'M JOE BIDEN AND I APPROVE
THIS MESSAGE.

>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, WHAT
REALLY MATTERS IS THE SWING

STATES.

AND RIGHT NOW, BIDEN LEADS IN
MICHIGAN, PENNSYLVANIA,

WISCONSIN, MINNESOTA, NEVADA,
NEW HAMPSHIRE, ARIZONA, OHIO,

NORTH CAROLINA, AND IOWA.

♪ FROM THE REDWOOD FOREST TO THE
GULF STREAM WATERS ♪

♪ THIS LAND IS SICK OF D.J.T. ♪
YEAH, I TOOK GUITAR FOR A MONTH.

EVIDENTLY, TRUMP ACTUALLY READS
THE POLLS, AND THAT'S WHAT MADE

HIM LOSE WHAT WAS LEFT OF HIS
MIND AT THE DEBATE.

MAGGIE HABERMAN TWEETED, "PEOPLE
CLOSE TO HIM ARE BLUNT THAT THE

PRESIDENT KNOWS HE'S LOSING AND
IS SCARED OF IT.

SO HE DID WHAT HE DOES WHEN
AFRAID OR ANXIOUS AND TRIED TO

IMPOSE HIS WILL ON THE NIGHT."

YES, TRUMP JUST REACTED LIKE A
CORNERED ANIMAL:

(AS TRUMP)
"GOOD QUESTION, CHRIS, BUT

BEFORE I ANSWER IT, I'M GOING TO
EXPRESS MY MUSK SAC ALL OVER

THIS PODIUM."

IT'S A GLAND.

WANT TO GUESS WHERE IT IS?

I'LL NEED A MIRROR.

I NEVER SAID ANAL.

I NEVER SAID ANAL.

( LAUGHTER )
PLUS, THIS WEEK BIDEN GOT

ANOTHER HUGE ENDORSEMENT:
MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON PILOT AND

A.A.R.P. MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MAN
STILL ALIVE, CAPTAIN SULLY

SULLENBERGER.

ON TUESDAY, SULLY LANDED THIS AD
RIGHT ON TRUMP'S FACE.

>> LEADERSHIP IS NOT JUST ABOUT
SITTING IN THE PILOT'S SEAT,

IT'S ABOUT KNOWING WHAT YOU'RE
DOING AND TAKING

RESPONSIBILITY FOR IT.

IT'S IN THAT HIGHEST CALLING OF
LEADERSHIP THAT DONALD TRUMP HAS

FAILED US SO MISERABLY.

NEARLY A QUARTER MILLION
AMERICANS WON'T HAVE A VOICE

CASUALTIES OF HIS LETHAL LIES
AND INCOMPETENCE.

ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS VOTE.

HIM.

OUT.

>> STEPHEN: MAN, SULLY BROUGHT
IT!

THAT'S GONNA GET BIDEN THE
SUBURBAN DAD VOTE.

IT'S AS GOOD AS GETTING ENDORSED
BY SELF-LOCKING GRILL TONGS.

TO TURN THE BRATS.

I'M NOT SAYING TRUMP'S GOOSE IS
COOKED, BUT IT'S DEFINITELY

SUCKED INTO THE STARBOARD
ENGINE.

WITH THE THINGS LOOKING BAD,
TRUMP'S STOPPED RUNNING AGAINST

BIDEN AND TURNED HIS ATTENTION
TO A NEW OPPONENT, DEMOCRACY:

>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO LOSE
THIS, EXCEPT IF THEY CHEAT.

I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU, THIS
WHOLE BALLOT SCAM IS GOING TO

CAUSE A LOT OF PROBLEMS FOR OUR
COUNTRY.

THEY'RE GOING TO TRY AND STEAL
THE ELECTION.

WE HAVE A BIG PROBLEM AND YOU
SEE IT EVERY DAY, YOU SEE IT

HAPPENING EVERY DAY WITH
BALLOTS.

WHEN THE BALLOTS AND WHEN THE
SYSTEM IS RIGGED, WHICH

OBVIOUSLY IT IS, AND THE ONLY
ONE THAT KNOWS THAT BETTER THAN

ME ARE THE DEMOCRATS.

THEY GO INTO CLOSED ROOMS AND
THEY MUST LAUGH LIKE HELL.

>> STEPHEN: (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
YEAH, I'M SURE THEY'RE ALL

LAUGHING.

REMINDS ME OF A JOKE: WHY DID
THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

TO ESCAPE TO CANADA.

I HEAR BILL BARR IS TURNING
DISSIDENTS INTO MCNUGGETS.

NOW, THERE'S NO PROOF THAT WIDE
SCALE ELECTION FRAUD EVER

HAPPENS.

IT'S SO RARE THAT EVEN TRUMP'S
VOTER FRAUD COMMISSION COULDN'T

FIND EVIDENCE.

BUT THAT HASN'T STOPPED TRUMP
FROM ALREADY FILING LAWSUITS IN

NORTH CAROLINA, PENNSYLVANIA AND
ELSEWHERE TO RESTRICT VOTING BY

MAIL.

IT'S ALL PART OF HIS PUBLIC
SERVICE CAMPAIGN: "(BLEEP) THE

VOTE."

AND DURING THE DEBATE, TRUMP
URGED HIS FOLLOWERS TO

INTIMIDATE OTHER VOTERS BY
BEING A SO-CALLED "POLL

WATCHER."

AND NOW DON JR.'S SAYING, "I'M
HELPING, DAD!"

>> THE RADICAL LEFT ARE LAYING
THE GROUNDWORK TO STEAL THIS

ELECTION FROM MY FATHER,
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP.

WE CANNOT LET THAT HAPPEN.

WE NEED EVERY ABLE BODIED MAN,
WOMAN, TO JOIN ARMY FOR TRUMP'S

ELECTION SECURITY OPERATION.

>> STEPHEN: YES, EVERY ABLE
BODIED MAN AND WOMAN, WHICH DOES

NOT INCLUDE DONALD TRUMP JR.
BECAUSE HE IS CLEARLY HAMMERED.

(AS DRUNK DONALD TRUMP JR)
"THE RACKAL LEFT IS TRYN TO

STEAL THE ELECTION, BUT I'M NOT
GONNA LET 'EM!

'CAUSE I WILL FIGHT THE RACKAL
LEFT-- LIKE I FOUGHT THE STORE

GUY WHEN WOULDN'T LET ME PUT MY
MOUTH ON THE SLUSHIE MACHINE.

AND I DON'T KNOW HOW THOSE WHITE
CLAWS GOT DOWN MY PANTS,

OFFICER.

BABE!

C'MERE!

I WANT YOU GUYS TO MEET SCREAMY
KIMMY.

SAY THE BEST IS YET TO COME
THING!

SAY IT!"
( LAUGHTER )

HELLO.

BUT THERE ARE SOME HEROES OUT
THERE FIGHTING TO MAKE SURE ALL

AMERICANS' VOICES ARE HEARD.

FOR INSTANCE, WITH JUST A MONTH
UNTIL THE ELECTION, SNAPCHAT

SAYS IT'S HELPED OVER ONE
MILLION PEOPLE REGISTER TO VOTE.

BUT THE REGISTRATION ONLY LASTS
24 HOURS, SO BE SURE TO TAKE A

SCREENSHOT.

OF COURSE, IF YOU REGISTER
THROUGH SNAPCHAT, YOU NEED TWO

FORMS OF I.D.: ONE WHERE YOU'RE
A DOG, AND ONE WHERE YOU'RE

PUKING RAINBOWS.

THERE'S A NEW GET OUT THE VOTE
DRIVE CALLED, "GET YOUR BOOTY TO

THE POLL," ORGANIZED BY EXOTIC
DANCERS.

(AS TRUMP)
"HOW COULD YOU, CINNAMON,

CHEYENNE, CANDI WITH AN I?

ET TU, BOOTAY?"
THE DANCERS EXPLAIN THE

IMPORTANCE OF VOTING IN THIS
ONLINE VIDEO:

>> WANT TRADE AND CODING TAUGHT
IN OUR SCHOOLS?

THEN VOTE FOR THE SCHOOL BOARD
THAT WILL PREPARE US FOR THE JOB

MARKET.

>> WANT TO END CASH BAIL?

WELL, THEN VOTE FOR THE SHERIFF
AND COUNTY OFFICIALS THAT FEEL

THE SAME WAY YOU DO.

>> DON'T LET OTHER PEOPLE
DECIDE WHO'S GONNA RUN YOUR

COMMUNITY.

>> GET YOUR BOOTY TO THE POLLS.

>> GET YOUR BOOTY TO THE POLLS.

>> GET YOUR BOOTY TO THE POLLS.

>> STEPHEN: THAT IS DEMOCRACY AT
TWERK.

THE P.S.A. ENDS WITH THIS CALL
TO ACTION:

>> FOR INFORMATION AS WELL AS
INFORMATION TO FIND OUT WHO'S

RUNNING IN YOUR AREA
GETYOURBOOTYTOTHEPOLL.COM.

>> Stephen: WE HAD TO BLUR SO
MUCH OF THE BOOTY THAT YOU CAN'T

EVEN READ THE URL.

THERE'S GOT TO BE A LINE HERE.

I UNDERSTAND THIS IS CBS AND WE
CANNOT SHOW EVERYTHING THAT GOD

GAVE HER, BUT A URL!

NO?

>> NOPE.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M
NOT SURPRISED THE DANCERS DID

THIS.

I'M ONLY SURPRISED THAT THE
WEBSITE "GET YOUR BOOTY TO THE

POLL" WAS SOMEHOW NOT TAKEN.

GOOD FOR YOU LADIES, BUT I'LL
SAY THIS: IT SEEMS LIKE THEY'RE

TRYING TO HORN IN ON MY TURF!

OF COURSE, THAT'S "THE LATE
SHOW" WEBSITE "BETTER KNOW A

BALLOT" WHICH HAS VOTER
INFORMATION FOR ALL 50 STATES

AND THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA.

JOIN THE MILLIONS WHO HAVE
ALREADY CHECKED OUT OUR HELPFUL

VIDEOS.

BUT NOW THAT I'VE SEEN "GET YOUR
BOOTY TO THE POLL," I REALIZE

THAT "BETTER KNOW A BALLOT"
NEEDS MORE SEX APPEAL.

BUT I'M NOT AN EXOTIC DANCER.

I'M A MIDDLE-AGED WHITE GUY.

SO I DON'T THINK I'M GONNA--
♪

♪
♪

♪ TAKE YOUR BUTTOCKS OUT AND
VOTE ♪

♪ YOU CAN TAKE YOUR POWERBOAT,
IF IT'S CHILLY WEAR A COAT ♪

♪ PULL THE LEAVER SHAKE THAT
RUMP ♪

♪ YOU CAN VOTE OUT DONALD
TRUMP ♪

YOU'VE GOT THE IDEA.

WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

ETHAN HAWKE IS HERE.

WHEN WE COME BACK -- I MIGHT
HAVE TO APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT I

JUST DID.

AND MEANWHILE --
>> "A LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN

COLBERT, SPONSORED BY NISSAN,
INNOVATION THAT EXCITES.

♪
>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.

LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE!

>> Jon: HELLO.

YOU GOT THE INK ON THE SHIRT.

WHAT'S THAT?

>> Stephen: I THREW A PEN AT
CHRIS JUST NOW BECAUSE HE WASN'T

LOOKING AT ME.

I'M NOT A FRAGILE PERFORMER BUT
I WILL NOT, NOT BE LOOKED AT, SO

I THREW A PEN AT HIM AND GOT INK
ON HIS SHIRT SO I THINK I HAVE A

DRY-CLEANING BILL.

DO YOU KNOW WHY I'M IN A GOOD
MOOD?

>> Jon: WHY IS THAT?

>> Stephen: OVER THE WEEKEND I
GOT MY MAIL-IN BALLOT.

I'M REALLY EXCITED.

I CAN'T WAIT.

>> Jon: IT'S TIME.

LET'S GO.

>> Stephen: LOOKING AT THE
BALLOT GAVE ME A FEELING OF

AGENCY, LIKE I COULD ACTUALLY
HAVE SOME SAY OVER THE FUTURE OF

THIS COUNTRY.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

>> OH, YEAH, YOU LOOK AT THAT
BALLOT YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU

WANT TO DO.

>> Stephen: VOTE.

>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.

>> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.

YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME
RESEARCHING THE MOST TOPICAL

TRADITIONAL MAORI TATTOO DESIGNS
OF THE DAY, DEVELOPING A VISUAL

METAPHOR FOR A MEANINGFUL
PERSONAL STORY, CRAFTING NEEDLES

OUT OF ALBATROSS BONES AND
METICULOUSLY APPLYING A PIGMENT

MADE OF BURNT TIMBER TO CREATE
THE ELEGANT BODY ART THAT IS MY

MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE
TO GO TO THE PART OF THE

PLAYGROUND WHERE THE TEACHERS
CAN'T SEE ME, TAKE THE PENKNIFE

MY FRIEND TOMMY STOLE FROM HIS
DAD'S GLOVE COMPARTMENT, CARVE

HALF A PORTRAIT OF SPEED RACER
IN MY ARM BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO

MUCH TO KEEP GOING, AND THEN RUB
SOME BIC PEN INK IN THERE TO

FORM THE ADOLESCENT D.I.Y.

MISTAKE OF NEWS THAT IS MY
SEGMENT:

"QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A MELBOURNE,

AUSTRALIA PILOT TOOK TO THE
SKIES WITH THREE CHICKENS TO

CARRY OUT A PREYOM KIPPUR
RITUAL."

IT'S THE SACRED JEWISH TRADITION
OF CONFUSING THE HELL OUT OF

LIVESTOCK.

DUE TO THE BAN ON LARGE
GATHERINGS, MANY ORTHODOX JEWS

WERE UNABLE TO PERFORM THE
RITUAL OF "KAPPAROT," WHICH

"INVOLVES SWINGING A LIVE
CHICKEN OVER ONE'S HEAD THREE

TIMES AND RECITING A PRAYER TO
TRANSFER SINS TO THE BIRD."

SEEMS REALLY UNFAIR TO THE BIRD.

"NO, HONEY, THIS EXTREMELY DIZZY
CHICKEN IS THE ONE WHO CHEATED

ON YOU."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE HERE AT
"MEANWHILE FAMILY ENTERTAINMENTS

AND WEAPONS SYSTEMS
INCORPORATED" SOMETIMES COME

ACROSS SO MANY FAST-FOOD RELATED
STORIES THAT WE HAD TO CREATE

OUR NEW QUARANTINE-WHILE SUB
SEGMENT "CUISINE-WHILE."

CUISINE-WHILE, AS A FUN WAY TO
SOOTHE PEOPLE UNDER LOCKDOWN "A

BROOKLYN PIZZERIA IS OFFERING
"COMFORTING WORDS" AS A DELIVERY

MENU ITEM."

I DON'T THINK THEY GET HOW PIZZA
WORKS.

MELTED CHEESE ON BREAD IS THE
COMFORT.

WORDS ARE AN UNNECESSARY
TOPPING, LIKE VEGETABLES.

YOU SAY YOU WANT THEM, BUT
COME ON.

ACCORDING TO THE PIZZERIA, "FOR
$1, OUR DELIVERY DRIVER WILL

LOOK YOU STRAIGHT IN THE EYES
AND TELL YOU 'EVERYTHING'S GONNA

BE OKAY AND YOU'RE DOING THE
BEST YOU CAN.'"

AND FOR $2, THEY WON'T.

BY THE WAY, EVERYTHING'S GONNA
BE OKAY AND YOU'RE DOING THE

BEST YOU CAN.

CUISINE-WHILE, IN IRELAND, THEIR
HIGHEST COURT HAS RULED THAT

SUBWAY SANDWICHES ARE TOO SUGARY
TO MEET THE LEGAL DEFINITION OF

"BREAD."

SAID SUBWAY IN A STATEMENT,
"YES, THIS IS THE MOST

CONTROVERSIAL BRUSH WITH THE LAW
SUBWAY HAS EVER HAD.

THIS SUGAR BREAD THING.

NOTHING ELSE."

SO IRELAND IS CONCERNED THAT
SUBWAY'S BREAD IS TOO SUGARY.

IRELAND, YOU'RE ADORABLE.

AMERICA LITERALLY HAS A SANDWICH
THAT IS FRIED CHICKEN BETWEEN

TWO DONUTS.

YOU CAN GET IT WITH A SIDE OF
FRIES AND A DEFIBRILLATOR.

AND THE DEFIBRILLATOR IS
BETWEEN TWO DONUTS!

'CAUSE THESE COLORS DON'T RUN!

CUISINE-WHILE, "A MCDONALD'S
FANATIC IN NORTH DAKOTA IS

ENJOYING WIDESPREAD INTERNET
MCFAME AFTER SHE WAS SPOTTED IN

THE MCDONALD'S DRIVETHRU WITH
HER 'HMBRGLR' LICENSE PLATE."

WHAT A FUN COINCIDENCE.

JUST LIKE THAT TIME I WENT
THROUGH THE TACO BELL

DRIVE-THROUGH WITH MY LICENSE
PLATE THAT SAYS "RE-GRET."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, RESEARCHERS
ARE NOW ASKING, "COULD CATS HOLD

THE KEY TO A COVID-19 VACCINE?"
I HOPE NOT.

I DO NOT WANT HUMANITY'S FATE IN
THE HANDS OF CREATURES THAT

CLEARLY DON'T CARE IF WE LIVE OR
DIE.

SCIENTISTS SAY "CATS DEVELOP A
PROTECTIVE IMMUNE RESPONSE TO

COVID-19, LEADING RESEARCHERS TO
WONDER WHETHER IT'S WORTH

STUDYING PETS TO AID IN THE
DEVELOPMENT OF A HUMAN VACCINE."

SOUNDS GOOD.

BECAUSE MINGLING HUMAN AND CAT
D.N.A. HAS NEVER GONE WRONG.

RELEASE THE BUTTHOLE CUT.

( LAUGHTER )
QUARANTINE-WHILE, COLOR EXPERTS

PANTONE, IN AN EFFORT TO END THE
STIGMA ASSOCIATED WITH

MENSTRUATION, HAVE UNVEILED "A
NEW SHADE OF RED INSPIRED BY THE

COLOR OF WOMEN'S PERIODS."

WHICH IS JUST WRONG.

ANYONE WHO'S WATCHED A MAXI PAD
COMMERCIAL KNOWS THE COLOR OF

WOMEN'S PERIODS IS ELECTRIC
BLUE.

I THINK THEY WOULD KNOW.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN ENGLAND,
DURING A TEST RUN OF THE FUTURE

OF EMERGENCY MEDICAL SERVICES, A
JETPACK-EQUIPPED PARAMEDIC WAS

ABLE TO COVER A NORMALLY
25-MINUTE TREK UP A MOUNTAINSIDE

TO A SIMULATED EMERGENCY IN ONLY
90 SECONDS.

NOW UNFORTUNATELY, THE JET PACK
ISN'T POWERFUL ENOUGH TO

TRANSPORT YOU TO A HOSPITAL, SO
IN MANY CASES THEY CAN'T SAVE

YOUR LIFE.

BUT THE LAST THING YOU SEE WILL
BE SO COOL!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ETHAN
HAWKE.

I WANT TO SEE THAT JET PACK.

♪
♪

♪

>> Stephen: I'LL GET IT DOWN
EVENTUALLY.

HEY, WELCOME BACK, EBBED.

HE HAS ACTED IN OVER 80 MOVIES,
INCLUDING "TRAINING DAY,"

"BOYHOOD," AND "FIRST REFORMED."

HE NOW STARS IN A SERIES HE
CREATED AND EXECUTIVE PRODUCES

CALLED "THE GOOD LORD BIRD."

PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE
SHOW," ETHAN HAWKE!

ETHAN, THANKS FOR BEING HERE!

>> THANKS FOR HAVING ME.

IT'S A PLEASURE.

>> Stephen: WE'LL GET INTO
THIS A LITTLE LATER IN THE

INTERVIEW.

I JUST WANTED TO START OFF BY
SAYING HOW MUCH I'M LOVING "THE

GOOD LORD BIRD."

IT'S BASED ON A TRUE MAN, IT'S
CRAZY AT THE SAME TIME, IT'S

TARAJI, FUNNY, A LOT TO TALK
ABOUT.

FIRST, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT
THEATER BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'RE A

THEATER GUY.

TOBY NOMINATED, DIRECTED
BROADWAY.

WHAT DID YOU MAKE TO HAVE THE
THEATER OF THE DEBATE THE --

WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF THE THEATER
OF THE DEBATE THE OTHER NIGHT?

HOW WOULD YOU DECONSTRUCT THAT
AS A DIRECTOR?

>> THAT'S A GREAT QUESTION.

MY FIRST RESPONSE IS IT KIND OF
SEEMED LIKE THE MOMENT IN "STAR

WARS" AT THE GENERALLY REVIEWLS
HE'S A CENTHOR .

SO THAT'S MY FIRST THOUGHT.

YOU'RE ASKING ABOUT CINEMA.

IF IT WAS THEATER, IF DAVID
MAMMOTH DID 14 LINES OF CRYSTAL

METH, STAYED UP ALL NIGHT AND
WROTE A SHORT PLAY ABOUT THE

DOWNFALL OF THE UNITED STATES OF
AMERICA BUT COULDN'T GET DINERO

AND PACINO SO HAD TO GET TWO
UNDERSTUDIES FROM BURT REYNOLDS

DINNER THEATER AND SHOVE THEM ON
AND SAID, GO!

THAT'S THE THEATER I THOUGHT IT
WAS.

>> Stephen: THERE ARE STILL
UNDECIDED VOTERS OUT THERE.

AND I'M FROM SOUTH CAROLINA.

I'VE GOT FRIENDS BACK HOME WHO
ARE FANS OF THE PRESIDENT.

DO YOU STILL STAY IN TOUCH?

YOU HAVE ROOTS IN TEXAS.

DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS BACK HOME
WHO SUPPORTED THE SNPT.

>> -- SUPPORTED THE PRESIDENT?

OF COURSE.

MY FAMILY'S FROM TEXAS AND
WHENEVER WE GET INTO THIS THING

THAT WE THINK SOMEBODY ELSE IS
EVIL, WE'VE LOST OUR PATH,

REALLY.

THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS WHAT
I HEAR FROM MY FAMILY IS IMMENSE

SADNESS, EVEN FROM THE FAMILIAR
MEMBERS THAT VOTED FOR TRUMP,

ABOUT THE LEVEL OF
MISINFORMATION AND HOW MUCH THEY

ARE PREYING ON PEOPLE'S FEAR AND
GREED, AND THERE'S A KIND OF

SADNESS COMING FROM MY FAMILY
THAT HE'S NOT WHO THEY HAD HOPED

HE WAS.

AND IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT THEY
LIKE THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY, BUT

IT'S -- IF NOTHING ELSE, I HATE
TO SAY IT, THERE'S AN OVERRIDING

SADNESS.

>> Stephen: I AGREE.

THERE'S A SENSE OF GRIEF AND
LOSS FOR A LOT OF AMERICANS EVEN

FOR PEOPLE WHO SUPPORTED THE
PRESIDENT BECAUSE THEY SEE HIM

AS SOMEONE WHO'S PRECIOUS TO
THEM BEING ATTACKED.

>> YEAH, YOU CAN'T BE A SERIOUS
CHRISTIAN AND RESPOND TO SOME OF

THE THINGS THAT HE SAYS, NOT
REALLY.

YOU CAN'T.

YOU CAN'T ACCEPT THAT KIND OF
LEADERSHIP.

HE'S BROKEN DOWN POLITICAL
PARTIES.

YOU KNOW, MY FAMILY MEMBERS --
YOU KNOW, GEORGE H.W. BUSH WAS A

VERY SERIOUS PERSON.

THAT'S A FORMIDABLE HUMAN BEING
WHO'S EDUCATED AND DEDICATED HIS

LIFE FOR WHAT HE BELIEVED WAS
THE BETTERMENT TO HAVE THE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND HE
DID A LOT OF GREAT THINGS.

SEE, THAT'S WHEN YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUTRABOUT REPUBLICANS AND DEMO

WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT THAT
RIGHT NOW.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE
FANNING THE FLAMES OF OUR

INABILITY TO SEE EACH OTHER.

TAKE THE PANDEMIC FOR EXAMPLE,
WE'RE KIND OF GIVEN THIS FALSE

ARGUMENT LIKE WE HAVE TO DECIDE
BETWEEN THE ECONOMY AND OUR

HEALTH, AS IF -- WE'RE GROWNUPS.

WE'RE RESPONSIBLE ADULTS AND
PARENTS AND WE HAVE TO DO BOTH.

WE HAVE TO KEEP PEOPLE HEALTHY
AND KEEP THE ECONOMY GOING.

IT'S A FALSE ARGUMENT THAT ONE
SIDE OF THE TEAM IS FOR

SOMETHING, AND IT CREATES THIS
CHAOS OF, YOU KNOW, DUALISTIC

THINKING THAT MAKES EVERYBODY
SMALLER THAN WHAT WE REALLY ARE.

>> Stephen: ALL OF THAT IS A
PER FECK LEADUP SO THE SHOW THAT

YOU'RE ON HERE TO TALK ABOUT,
THE GOOD LORD BIRD, WHERE YOU

PLAY JOHN BROWN.

HERE IS A PHOTO OF YOU PLAYING
JOHN BROWN.

I HAVEN'T GOTTEN THIS FAR IN THE
SHOW YET BUT YOU WILL EVENTUALLY

LOOK LIKE THIS IN IT, RIGHT?

SO HERE'S A GUY WHO IS IN A TIME
OF CHAOS, TOOK HIS BIBLE VERY

SERIOUSLY, WAS FINE WITH
DIVIDING PEOPLE.

FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW,
WHO WAS JOHN BROWN?

>> OKAY.

WELL, THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

JOHN BROWN WAS A NONVIOLENT
ABOLITIONIST UNTIL HE WAS ABOUT

51 YEARS OLD.

HIS GRANDFATHER FOUGHT WITH
GEORGE WASHINGTON.

HE HAD A BIG PROBLEM WITH THE
CONSTITUTION AND ITS

RELATIONSHIP TO THE EQUALITY OF
MAN KIND.

SO HE BECAME A STAUNCH
ABOLITIONEST.

SO JOHN BROWN WAS THIS MAN'S
GRANDSON.

HIS FATHER AND HE WAS AN
ABOLITIONIST.

WHEN HIS SONS WENT DOWN TO
SETTLE IN KANSAS, BECAUSE KANSAS

WAS A TERRITORY, RIGHT, AND THIS
IS A BRIEF HISTORY, BUT KANSAS

WAS A TERRITORY, AND IT WAS
ABOUT TO BECOME A STATE, AND IF

IT WENT PRO-SLAVE THAT WOULD
THROW THE SENATE ONE WAY, AND IF

IT WAS A FREE STATE IT WOULD
THROW THE SENATE ANOTHER WAY.

THE ABOLITIONISTS WERE MOVING TO
KANSAS TO VOTE FOR SLAVERY.

AND POOR PEOPLE IN MISSOURI,
THEY'RE SETTLING THEM TO KANSAS

TO VOTE FOR SLAVERY.

THIS TURNED INTO BLOODY KANSAS.

PEOPLE STARTED ATTACKING JOHN
BROWN'S SON.

AFTER A LIFETIME OF BEING A
NONVIOLENT ABOLITIONIST,

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO FORCE
PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND THE TRUTH.

HE WAS A CALVINIST AND A VERY
SERIOUS CHRISTIAN WHO TOOK THE

IDEA WE WERE MADE BY THE SAME
MAKE TORE HEART AND HE WENT TO

REMIND EVERYBODY AND WAS WILLING
TO GET INTO A FIGHT.

TO HE'S GREAT SURPRISE -- I
PLAYED THE MAN, I THOUGHT HE WAS

GOING TO GET KILLED QUICKLY.

TO HIS GREAT SURPRISE, HE WAS
GREAT ADD GUNFIGHTING.

HE LED A RAID.

HE TOOK OVER THE NATION'S
LARGEST ARMORY, HARPER'S FERRY,

WITH A BUNCH OF BLACK AND WHITE
FOLKS WORKING TOGETHER, THEY

TOOK IT OVER HOPING TO INCITE A
REVOLUTION.

HE FAILED AT THAT BUT WHAT HE
SUCCEEDED TO DO WAS TO WAKE UP

AND SHAME THE WHITE CHRISTIAN
NORTH AMERICANS, YOU KNOW THE

AMERICANS OF THE NORTH.

AND ABOUT 16 MONTHS AFTER HE WAS
HUNG, THE CIVIL WAR STARTED.

>> Stephen: THIS IS AN
INCREDIBLY IN SOME WAYS A VERY

DARK STORY, INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC
STORY.

IT'S ALSO FUNNY AT THE SAME
TIME.

HOW DID YOU -- WHAT DID YOU
INTEND -- I KNOW YOU INTENDED.

WHAT I MEANT TO SAY IS DID YOU
KNOW THAT YOU COULD GET AWAY

WITH THIS TO MAKE JOHN BROWN NOT
ONLY A DRAMATIC SORT OF PROFECK

FIGURE BUT ALSO AN EXTREMELY
FLAWED AND FUNNY ONE AT THE SAME

TIME.

>> YOU KNOW THIS BETTER THAN
ANYBODY.

IF YOU TALK -- IF YOU YELL AT
PEOPLE AND PREACH AT THEM AND

TELL THEM THEY'RE WRONG AND TRY
TO TEACH THEM WHAT'S THE RIGHT

THING TO DO, NOBODY WANTS TO
HEAR THAT.

IF YOU MAKE THEM LAUGH, THEY CAN
SEE THE TRUTH OFT WHAT YOU'RE

SAYING AND DON'T FEEL ATTACKED.

AND THE GENIUS MAGIC TRICK OF
JAMES McBRIDE, THE AUTHOR OF

THIS STORY, HE WON THE NATIONAL
BOOK AWARD IN 2013, IS HE MAKES

YOU LAUGH AND MAKES YOUR HEART
THROB WITH LOVE AND HEALING OVER

OUR CON'S GREATEST -- OUR
COUNTRY'S GREATEST WOUND.

>> Stephen: IT HAS BEEN SO
LONG SINCE JOHN BROWN WAS HANGED

IN 1859, BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK
THIS STORY SPEAKS TO IN OUR

PRESENT TIME OF RACIAL RECKONING
IN 2020?

>> WELL, WHAT I HOPE IS THAT
PEOPLE CAN SEE IS THAT OUR

COUNTRY HAS BEEN HERE BEFORE.

THE BLOOD HAS ALREADY BEEN SHED.

WE KNOCKED DOWN THIS DOORWAY.

THERE'S A LINE IN THE SHOW THAT
McBRIDE WRITES ABOUT HARRIET

TUBMAN SAYS, THE DOORSTEP OF
CHANGE IS OPEN, YOU KNOW,

FREEDOM IS THERE, WE JUST HAVE
TO WALK THROUGH IT.

AND I THINK PEOPLE LIKE HARRIET
TUBMAN AND JOHN BROWN AND

FREDERIC DOUGLAS AND SOJOURNER
TRUTH, THESE PEOPLE WOULD BE

HEART BROKEN TO SEE THAT YOUNG
PEOPLE TODAY HAVE TO MARCH, AND

THEY HAVE TO.

WE HAVE TO.

WE HAVE TO DEMAND SOCIAL
JUSTICE.

WE HAVE TO WALK THROUGH THIS
DOOR, YOU KNOW.

AND I THINK THEY WOULD BE
SHOCKED.

NONE OF THESE PEOPLE WANTED THAT
BLOODSHED ANYMORE THAN YOU OR I

DOSM NONE OF THESE PEOPLE WANTED
VIOLENCE.

BUT WE ALREADY DID THIS, YOU
KNOW, AND THE JOHN BROWN STORY

PUTS A MICROSCOPE -- YOU KNOW,
THIS EXPRESSION EVERYBODY

THROWING AROUND, SYSTEMIC
RACISM, JOHN BROWN, IF YOU LOOKT

AT HIS STORY, IT TURNS THE
MICROSCOPE TO THE DNA WITH WHICH

THIS COUNTRY WAS BUILT, AND IT'S
GOT SOME DESIGN FLAWS, YOU KNOW,

FROM THE ZONING OF OUR CITIES TO
OUR SCHOOL SYSTEM TO OUR POLICE

FORCE TO THE WAYTT THAT WE THINK
AND TREAT EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW, IT'S GOT SOME
FUNDAMENTAL DESIGN FLAWS, AND IF

WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT IT AND LAUGH
ABOUT IT AND SAY THE WRONG THING

AND FORGIVE EACH OTHER AND WORK
TOWARDS IT, THEN THE DIALOGUE

KEEPS SHUTTING DOWN AND WHEN THE
DIALOGUE SHUTS DOWN, NOTHING'S

GOING TO GET BETTER.

THAT'S MY THOUGHT.

THAT'S MY SOAPBOX.

>> Stephen: WELL DONE.

WELL DONE.

"THE GOOD LORD BIRD" PREMIERES
SUNDAY NIGHT ON SHOWTIME.

ETHAN HAWKE, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH FORMER
LEAD PROSECUTOR FOR THE MUELLER

INVESTIGATION, ANDREW WEISSMANN.

♪
♪

♪
>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.

JOINING ME TONIGHT IS AN N.Y.U.

LAW PROFESSOR AND FORMER LEAD
PROSECUTOR IN THE OFFICE OF

SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT MUELLER.

HE HAS JUST WRITTEN A BOOK ABOUT
THE INVESTIGATION CALLED "WHERE

LAW ENDS."

PLEASE WELCOME, ANDREW
WEISSMANN.

MR. WEISSMANN, THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BEING HERE.

>> NICE TO BE HERE.

>> Stephen: WELL, WHERE DOES
THE LAW END?

( LAUGHTER )
>> OKAY, HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU

HAVE?

SO THAT TILE COMES FROM A JOHN
LAW QUOTE, ENGLISH PHILOSOPHER.

>> Stephen: SURE.

BUT THE MAIN REASON FOR IT
SEX PERSONSING WHAT I

EXPERIENCED FOR 22 MONTHS --
WHAT I EXPERIENCED FOR 22 MONTHS

INVESTIGATING THE PRESIDENT AND
ATTORNEY GENERAL BARR.

>> Stephen: THIS IS ABWHERE
THE LAW ENDS.

IS THE WHITE HOUSE ONE OF THEM?

>> THE WHITE HOUSE AND ATTORNEY
GENERAL BARR PRESENTED A NUMBER

OF OBSTACLES TO OUR
INVESTIGATION, ABSOLUTELY.

>> Stephen: A RECAP FOR THE
PEOPLE WHO MAY NOT KNOW WHO YOU

ARE.

YOU WERE ONE TO HAVE THE LEAD
PROSECUTORS FOR THE MUELLER

INVESTIGATION.

FOR ALMOST TWO YEARS WE HEARD
MUELLER'S NAME JUST ABOUT EVERY

DAY.

NOT ALWAYS YOURS BUT SOMETIMES
YOURS.

A COUPLE OF YEARS LATER,
MUELLER, MUELLER, THE GUY WITH

THE RUSSIA THING.

RIGHT?

WHAT JOB W WERE YOU SUPPOSED TO
DO.

>> ROD ROSENSTEIN APPOINTED
ROBERT MUELLER AS SPECIAL

COUNSEL AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO
INVESTIGATE WHAT RUSSIA DID IN

TERMS OF INTERFERING WITH OUR
ELECTION AND WHETHER THERE WAS

ANYBODY IN THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN
WHO PARTICIPATED IN THAT AND

ALSO WHETHER THE PRESIDENT
OBSTRUCTED JUSTICE.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

NOW, EARLY IN TE BOOK, YOU
WRITE, QUOTE, AS PROUD AS I AM

OF THE WORK OUR TEAM DID, WE
COULD HAVE DONE MORE.

WHAT MORE COULD YOU HAVE DONE,
AND IF YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT,

WHY DIDN'T YOU DO IT?

>> TIMELY QUESTION BECAUSE WE
ALL ARE READING THE "NEW YORK

TIMES" AND HEARING ABOUT FINISH
NANCE -- ABOUT FINANCES OF THE

PRESIDENT, AND THAT'S AN AREA
WHERE IT'S A LONG, COMPLICATED

STORY, BUT IT WIL -- BUT ULTIMAT
WE DID NOT DO A FULL

INVESTIGATION OF THE PRESIDENT'S
FINANCES AND THERE ARE A LOT OF

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS THERE.

>> Stephen: WHO DID HE OWE
$420 MILLION TO?

WOULDN'T THAT HAVE BEEN HANDY,
TO ASK THAT QUESTION?

>> THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.

BUT HERE'S PARTLY THE REASON
THERE WAS A DECISION NOT TO GO

THERE, AND THIS IS PRETTY
TELLING, WHICH IS THE WHITE

HOUSE CALLED UP AND SAID ARE YOU
LOOKING INTO THE FINANCES?

THAT'S A RED LINE.

AND THE DECISION THE SPECIAL
COUNSEL HAD TO MADE EARLY IN THE

INVESTIGATION WAS DO YOU PUT
THAT ASIDE FOR NOW AND PURSUE

THE INVESTIGATION INTO OTHER
THINGS, WHICH WAS INCREDIBLY

SUCCESSFUL, OR DO YOU JUST RISK
GETTING FIRED RIGHT AT THE

OUTSET?

>> Stephen: BUT, LISTEN, I
DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT HOW TO

RUN A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION OR
A NATIONAL SECURITY

INVESTIGATION, BUT IF A GUY IS
ACCUSED OF MURDER AND SAYS, HEY,

DON'T LOOK IN THE CRAWL SPACE,
THAT IS CROSSING A RED LINE,

DOESN'T THAT TELL YOU THAT
THAT'S WHERE THE BODY IS BURIED?

>> SO HUGE RED FLAG, AND WHERE
WE ARE RIGHT NOW IS YOU KNOW

FROM THE "NEW YORK TIMES" THAT
THERE'S A HUGE AMOUNT OF

UNEXPLAINED DEBT, AND YOU KNOW
THAT THE WHITE HOUSE HAS SAID I

DON'T WANT ANYONE INVESTIGATING
IT.

AND YOU KNOW ONE MORE THING
WHICH IS THEY'RE FIGHTING LIKE

CRAZY NOT TO TURN OVER
ACCOUNTING RECORDS.

SO THIS SEEMS TO BE AS AN
INVESTIGATOR, YOU KNOW, MY MY AN

ANTENNAE ARE UP.

>> Stephen: I ASSUME THEY MUST
HAVE BEEN UP WHEN THEY SAID

THAT'S A RED LINE.

DID YOU GUYS BUTT HEADS OVER
WHETHER YOU SHOULD, A, GO FOR

THE FINANCES AND, B, AS
RESPECTABLY AS POSSIBLE HAUL THE

PRESIDENT IN BY THE SCRUFF OF
THE NECK AND PUT HIS HAND ON A

LITTLE BLACK BOOK AND SAY DO YOU
SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH?

>> ONE OF BOB MUELLER'S LINES IS
WE'RE HERE TO DEFEND DEMOCRACY,

NOT TO PRACTICE IT.

HE WOULD HEAR FROM EVERYBODY BUT
THEN HE MADE THE JUDGMENT CALLS

ABOUT WHAT TO DO.

>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.

S THE DEMOCRACY THAT THEY'RE
NOT PRACTICING IS THAT THE

SPECIAL COUNSEL'S OFFICE IS NOT
A DEBATING SOCIETY, HE ACTUALLY

JUST GETS TO MAKE THE DECISION
AT THE END OF THE DAY.

>> EXACTLY.

>> Stephen: WAS IT ALL JUST IF
WE PUSH TOO FAR HE'LL KILL THE

INVESTIGATION?

>> THERE WAS THAT.

THAT WAS A PIECE OF IT.

THERE WAS A CONCERN -- I THINK
THAT'S PROBABLY THE MAIN PIECE

OF IT IS DOING THAT, AND THEN
THERE'S A CONCERN OF NO GETTING

INTO -- NOT GETTING INTO A
PROTRACTED LEGAL FIGHT THAT

COULD TAKE YEARS BECAUSE, AS
YOU'VE SEEN, THE PRESIDENT IS

QUITE LITIGIOUS.

>> Stephen: RIGHT.

IN RETROSPECT, HOW MUCH DID THAT
TAKE THE TEETH OUT OF THE

INVESTIGATION IF, AS YOU GOT
CLOSER TO THINGS THAT YOU

THOUGHT PERHAPS HAD SOME
INFORMATION THAT YOU NEEDED, YOU

HAD TO BACK AWAY BECAUSE THE GUY
YOU WERE INVESTIGATING COULD

STOP YOU FROM DOING SO?

IT JUST SEEMS LIKE AN ODD
INVESTIGATION, THOUGH, DOESN'T

GET TO FOLLOW THE FACTS.

>> SO I TOTALLY AGREE.

TWO THINGS THAT ARE REALLY WORTH
NOTING THAT MAKE THIS SO

DIFFERENT THAN WHEN I
INVESTIGATED ENRON OR EVEN

ORGANIZED CRIME WHICH IS THAT
THE PERSON THAT WE WERE

INVESTIGATING HAD THE POWER TO
FIRE US, AND THEY ALSO HAVE THE

POWER TO PARDON PEOPLE, MEANING
THAT IT WAS VERY HARD TO GET

PEOPLE TO COOPERATE BECAUSE HE
COULD JUST DANGLE A PARDON THAT

WOULD DETER THEM.

BUT THE REASON I WROTE THE BOOK
IS TO SORT OF LAY OUT THE ISSUES

AND ALSO THE DISAGREEMENTS
INTERNALLY AS TO WHAT WE DID SO

THAT PEOPLE WOULD HAVE A SORT OF
CANDID DISCUSSION ABOUT THE

INVESTIGATION AND ALSO THINK
ABOUT IS THIS THE WAY WE WANT

THINGS TO WORK IN THE FUTURE.

>> Stephen: NOW, BOB MUELLER
HAS RECENTLY PUSHED BACK NOT

VIOLENTLY, BUT HE HAS SAID -- I
DON'T THINK HE CALLED YOU UP BY

NAME, BUT I THINK HE SAID THAT
YOU WERE, QUOTE -- HMM, HMM,

HMM, HMM, HMM -- INCOMPLETE
INFORMATION?

IS THAT WHAT HE DESCRIBED AS
INCOMPLETE INFORMATION?

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: DO YOU KNOW WHAT
HE'S TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT YOU PERHAPS WERE NOT PRIVY
TO?

>> WELL, OBVIOUSLY, IF IT'S
SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW, BY

DEFINITION, I CAN'T SAY WHAT IT
IS THAT I DON'T KNOW.

BUT IT'S CERTAINLY THE CASE THAT
I CAN'T SAY THAT I KNOW

EVERYTHING.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO GIVE A
TRUTHFUL, CANDID RECITATION OF

THE FACTS I DID KNOW.

>> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK,
ANDREW WEISSMANN AND HIS TEAM'S

REACTION TO BILL BARR'S
FOUR-PAGE SUMMARY OF THEIR

REPORT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

♪
♪

♪

♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.

WE'RE BACK WITH ONE OF THE LEAD
PROSECUTORS FOR THE MUELLER

INVESTIGATION AND AUTHOR OF
"WHERE LAW ENDS," ANDREW

WEISSMANN.

THE FINAL REPORT DID NOT
CONCLUDE THAT THE PRESIDENT

BROKE NEW LAWS, BUT IT ALSO
SPECIFICALLY DID NOT CONCLUDE

THE PRESIDENT HADN'T BROKEN ANY
LAWS.

>> ISN'T THAT CLEAR TO YOU?

>> Stephen: YES.

( LAUGHTER )
YOU WERE ON THE INSIDE.

YOU KNOW, THIS ISN'T AN OFFICIAL
REPORT.

THIS IS JUST US SITTING ON TWO
BAR STOOLS.

DID THE PRESIDENT COMMIT ANY
CRIMES?

>> THERE WAS A LOT OF DISCUSSION
ABOUT WHETHER WE SHOULD JUST

COME OUT AND SAY IT IN THE
REPORT AS OPPOSED TO SAYING THE

PHRASE THAT YOU JUST SAID, WHICH
IS VERY CONVOLUTED.

MY VIEW, MY PERSONAL VIEW IS
THAT ANY PROSECUTOR WORTH THEIR

SALT -- HOPEFULLY I'M ONE OF
THEM -- WOULD SAY THAT THE

PRESIDENT OBSTRUCTED JUSTICE.

>> Stephen: SO WHEN BARR WENT
OUT THERE WITH HIS FOUR-PAGE

SUMMARY OF YOUR VOLUMINOUS
REPORT, DID YOU KNOW THAT HE WAS

GOING TO ABSOLUTELY SANDBAG THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE?

BECAUSE I READ A LOT OF YOUR
REPORT AND YOU DO STATE IN THERE

TEAM STATES IN THERE IN THE NAME
OF MR. MUELLER -- THAT IF HE

WASN'T PRESIDENT, HE WOULD HAVE
BEEN PROSECUTED, NOT SO MANY

WORDS BUT DEFINITELY IN THAT
MEANING.

WHAT DID IT FEEL LIKE TO HEAR
YOU GET SOLD UP THE RIVER BY

BARR?

>> GOING BACK TO YOUR FIRST
QUESTION, THAT'S WHERE LAW

ENDED.

>> Stephen: WHEN BARR STEPPED
OUT THERE.

>> YEP.

THAT WAS REALLY SOUL CRUSHING.

>> Stephen: WELL, IF THE
PRESIDENT LOSES IN NOVEMBER,

WOULD IT BE REASONABLE FOR HIM
TO BE PROSECUTED?

>> COMPLICATED QUESTION.

IT WOULD BE REASONABLE, BUT, ON
THE ONE HAND, YOU DON'T WANT TO

BE A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY WHERE
WE'RE JUST PROSECUTING THE NEXT

PRESIDENT, YOUR POLITICAL
OPPONENT.

ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU DON'T
WANT TO HAVE SORT OF A LICENSE

FOR SOMEBODY TO COMMIT A CRIME
WHILE THEY'RE IN OFFICE OR

PREVIOUSLY AND FEEL LIKE THEY
WILL NEVER BE HELD TO ACCOUNT

JUST BECAUSE THEY BECAME
PRESIDENT.

SO THE NEXT ATTORNEY GENERAL,
HE'S GOING TO HAVE A HARD

DECISION.

>> Stephen: WELL, THANK YOU SO
MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

"WHERE LAW ENDS" IS AVAILABLE
NOW.

ANDREW WEISSMANN, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

♪
♪

♪

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S IT FOR "A
LATE SHOW."

JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT, BUT FIRST,
LET'S SAY GOOD NIGHT WITH SOME

MUSIC FROM JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.

♪
♪

♪
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