Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Come on, Ed, move.

Don't rush me.

Look, you asked me to bring you out here riding,

yet you stop every ten feet and start looking around.

Who you looking for?

Flossie.

Who's Flossie?

Only the cutest little chestnut filly you ever saw.

Va-va-va-voom.

Don't tell me you're in love again.

I think I'll marry Flossie and make her Mrs. Ed.

At the wedding, I'll be very happy to give you away.

But you always give the bride away.

In your case, I'll make an exception.

Shh. Here she comes.

Get a load of that Flossie.

I'd sure like to see her in a black saddle.

Easy, Ed. Don't flip your mane.

[wolf whistle]

Ed!

[wolf whistle]

How dare you whistle at me.

I didn't whistle.

You don't expect me to believe that?

Well, if I told you the truth,

I wouldn't expect you to believe that, either.

You're just lucky my husband isn't here.

Come on, Flossie.

Boy, look at those gorgeous legs.

[growls]

You won't believe it again.

Using that phony sexy voice.

You mashers are all alike.

My name is Wilbur Post.

I'm an architect, and I'm not a masher.

Now I'm warning you.

One more peep out of you, and I'm going to call the police.

[wolf whistle]

Ed, giddy up.

Pack your bags. We're leaving for San Francisco tonight.

What are you talking about?

Carol, there's a French fashion show opening tomorrow,

and you and I are going to feast our eyes

on those darling creations.

Oh, it sounds wonderful, Kay,

but I wouldn't feel right about going away.

I just spent quite a bit of money,

and I couldn't ask Wilbur to pay for a trip now.

Would you go if he asked you to go?

Of course. I'd love to see those new fashions.

Then it's settled. Wilbur will ask you to go.

You're going to brainwash Wilbur?

Not Wilbur, but my husband's in for a little mental shampoo.

He doesn't know it, but he's going to ask Wilbur to ask you.

Kay, do you really think you can trick Roger

into getting Wilbur to ask me to go to San Francisco with you?

Well, of course. I can get Addison to do anything I want.

He's been my little puppet for years.

Kay, you're priceless.

You know, Ed, you could have gotten me into real trouble

whistling at that horse.

[Ed giggles]

[mocks]

You're not going to the park again.

Why?

You will not be seeing Flossie.

Nothing can keep me from the woman I love.

She's not a woman, she's a filly.

And I like the way she's filled.

That'll be enough out of you.

Wilbur, I just overheard our wives plotting against us.

What do you think they're up to?

Today is Thursday. Carol does the ironing on Thursday,

so by now, she's up to my shirts.

You'll lose some of that flippancy

when you find out what's going on.

Our wives are trying to trick us

into financing their trip to San Francisco.

What are you going to do about it?

Well, what any red-blooded American husband would do.

- Let them go. - You're ab--

Well, I'll go and put a stop to this myself.

Wait. I'll go watch you.

Flossie.

- Flossie? - Come on, come on, come on.

I'll tell Addison that I'm going to the fashion show by myself.

Then he'll be afraid you'll spend too much money.

Exactly. You know how cheap my doll is.

Addison will be afraid to let me go

with just our checkbook to accompany me.

You'll suggest that little old conservative me

go along to keep you from spending.

- How can we miss? - We can't.

- It's perfect. - Magnificent.

Thank you.

Little puppet, huh? Cheap, huh?

- Now, doll... - I didn't hear that one.

Carol, if you wanted to go to San Francisco,

why didn't you just ask me?

- Can I go? - Of course.

Oh, Wilbur.

And all you had to do is ask me.

- Can I go? - No.

If Kay can't go, then I don't want to go.

Roger, are you going to be selfish enough

to deprive my wife of having a good time?

Now I don't even want to go at all.

The way I feel now,

I probably wouldn't buy anything in San Francisco.

I second that.

So I'll just stay here in town,

where the department stores are closer.

Enjoy your trip, my dear.

Thank you, doll.

A handshake will be sufficient.

- Say, Wilbur. - What?

How about inviting Flossie's owner for a moonlight ride?

Then I can get to see Flossie.

Are you kidding? I'm a married man.

I'd be one, too, if you'd cooperate.

That's all I'd need.

Have Carol find out that I've been double-dating with a horse.

So what?

I guess I'll have to do my own matchmaking.

Honey, if I'd been in the park, I'd have punched him right in the nose.

Oh, Frank, stop being so jealous.

[phone rings]

I told him off. He'll never bother me again.

Hello.

Hello.7 Is this Mrs. Gordon?

It's that masher again.

I'd recognize that phony voice of his anywhere.

Yes, this is Mrs. Gordon.

Mrs. Gordon, when will you be riding Flossie again in the park?

Why do you want to know?

Oh, I'm just an admirer of beauty.

Where did you get my phone number?

From the stables that board Flossie.

Look, I don't want to talk to you.

Please, Mrs. Gordon. I'm in love.

The nerve of that man.

This is important. Hello. Hello.

Who are you talking to?

Mrs. Gordon, Flossie's owner.

Mrs. Gordon?

That is the woman you whistled at.

I was whistling at Flossie.

You said his name was Wilbur Post, didn't you?

His address must be in the phone book.

I've got a few words to say to that man...

in person.

You stay off that phone,

and you stay away from that filly.

Stay away from the face that launched 10,000 ships?

It was 1,000 ships, and it was Helen of Troy.

It would've been 10,000 ships

if it had been Flossie.

- Wilbur? - In here, honey.

I want to make you something special for lunch

before I leave for San Francisco.

All right. Burn some toast,

scramble a couple of eggs too hard,

make the coffee too weak.

- What? - I want to get used to it.

That's what I'll be eating when I do the cooking.

Oh, honey, I sure am going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you, too, dear.

Here. For the face that launched 10,000 ships.

Thank you, but it was 1,000 ships,

and it happened to be Helen of Troy.

If it were you, my dear, it would have been 10,000.

Oh, Wilbur, you say the nicest things. How do you think of them?

Oh, they just come to me.

Well, I'll go fix that burnt toast.

I gave you the line.

She gave you the kiss.

I don't even get to see Flossie.

Forget about it, Ed.

You nearly got me into a lot of trouble.

What trouble?

Yes?

I'd like to see Mr. Post.

He's out back in ufthe office.

I'm Mrs. Post. Won't you come in?

He's married, Frank. Let's forget the whole thing.

No. That makes it even worse.

Is there something wrong?

Your husband's a masher.

A masher?

Oh, no, there's some mistake.

I wish there were, but I'm afraid there isn't.

There certainly isn't.

He's a wolf. He whistled at my wife in the park.

Made some remark about her legs.

She told me he even used some silly sexy voice.

And he just telephone me a little while ago.

I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Post.

Oh, no. You must be mistaken about my husband.

He's a fine man, and he's faithful.

He just bought me this corsage

because I'm going away to San Francisco,

and I'll be gone for three days, and he'll be--

He'll be home alone and...

His office is out this way. Let's go talk to him.

Wilbur, please, please take me riding in the park tomorrow morning.

Nope.

- How about a slow trot? - Nope.

How about a walk side by side?

- No. - Oh, Wilbur.

I couldn't help it.

I saw Flossie prancing in the park, and before I knew it,

I did what any red-blooded horse would do.

My lips suddenly came together, and out came...

[wolf whistle]

That's the whistle. He did it agaiç:n.

And in front of his own wife.

What kind of a man did you marry?

I'm not so sure now.

That's the man.

What's the idea of whistling at my wife?

Whistle? No, I didn't whistle.

Okay, wise guy, if you didn't whistle,

but it came from inside the barn.

That's right. That's where it came from, all right.

I'll go inside and find the guy who did it,

and punch him right in the nose.

No, no.

You might as well hit me right now.

Frank, don't.

This poor woman has enough trouble

just being married to a man like this.

But not for long.

I don't blame you.

Look, Romeo, if you ever bother my wife again,

you'll be whistling through your gums.

Come on, dear.

Just a minute.

Dear, the harmless-looking ones are always the worst.

Well?

I never whistled at that woman.

I most certainly didn't phone her.

Who said anything about phoning?

You...

Oh.

Well, any man who would whistle at a woman

certainly would phone her.

I wouldn't. I c--

Would you like another orchid, honey?

I don't want this one.

Well?

[Ed stammers]

As long as you're stuck with that orchid,

I'll give it to Flossie.

Oh!

I just can't understand Wilbur being attracted to another woman.

He and Carol have only been married a few years.

Well, maybe with Wilbur, the seven-year itch started early.

Yes, a wife never knows when her husband's

going to reach the scratching stage, does she?

Sorry.

I guess your trip to San Francisco is canceled.

Oh, of course.

I just can't imagine Carol traveling in the mood she's in.

Poor girl.

Maybe there's something we can do to bring them back together.

After all, their argument's only an hour old.

That's right. They haven't even reached the throwing stage.

How about door slamming?

I haven't heard one yet.

I'm surprised.

With us, when we have an argument--

[doorbell rings]

Carol. Where are you going?

San Francisco.

You mean you still want to go?

Just because my husband is a playboy

doesn't mean I have to stop living.

Oh, come now, Carol.

Maybe you've misjudged Wilbur.

I certainly have.

Whistling at that woman and telephoning her.

Roger, did you ever suspect that Wilbur was a masher?

No. Took me by complete surprise.

Maybe you should cancel the trip.

No, I'm going whether Kay comes or not.

I'll go with you, dear.

Wait. Let's be reasonable.

Let's talk this thing out over lunch.

I was so embarrassed when that young woman came into my house

with that lovely figure and those deep, violet eyes.

- Is she that beautiful? - Yes.

We'd better stick around, dear.

To keep an eye on Wilbur?

And him, too.

He's a little past the seven-year itch,

but I still think he can scratch.

Wilbur, I'm sorry I got you into all this trouble.

You didn't mean it, Ed.

When a fella's in love, he does silly things. Why shouldn't a horse?

- Yeah. - [Wilbur sighs]

[sighs]

I don't know how I could live without Carol.

I don't know how I could live without Flossie.

- [sighs] - [sighs]

That Mrs. Gordon seems very nice.

If only I could convince her

that wasn't my voice she heard on the phone,

she'd come over here and talk to Carol

and clear the whole thing up.

But that's hopeless.

[sighs]

Buddy boy, you can stop sighing.

I think I've got it solved.

You mean, you'll talk to Mrs. Gordon,

explain the whole thing?

Not in person. I only talk to you, you know.

Then how can--

You mean...

Uh-huh.

- Aha. - Hmm.

He certainly had me fooled.

Carol, try and eat something.

All the things we shared.

Honey, this is just a little tiff. You'll get over it.

No, I won't.

It's just too hard to swallow.

How true.

How can a man so sweet turn out so sour?

It happens in the best of families.

Do you remember the time he forgot my birthday,

and he made up by taking us out to dinner and dancing

and bought us all champagne?

Maybe it'll happen again.

- Eat your soup, doll. - I'm trying.

[door opens]

Carol, you're coming with me, and we're going to straighten this out.

Let go of me, you, you, you...

Playboy.

You playboy.

Look, I did not phone that woman, and I didn't whistle at her.

I'm going to prove it to you.

Let go of me.

I have to catch a plane.

Oh, go with him, Carol. If he's lying, there are later planes.

I am not lying.

Wilbur!

You know, Addison,

I have a feeling that everything is going to be all right.

Aren't you glad, doll?

Thank you, my dear, for a most delightful lunch.

Honestly, Carol, this fella in the park whistled, you see,

and when she turned around, he was hiding.

Why was he hiding?

He's a very shy and bashful fella.

But he whistles at women.

It's not his fault. He's a nature lover.

Please, look, dear.

He's from the country,

and he used to go into the park to practice his bird calls.

- Bird calls? - Yeah.

Then one day, a girl answered them,

and it sort of changed his whole life.

He decided he wasn't for the birds?

Yeah. No!

Carol, he's still shy, you see,

but now he's a compulsive whistler.

But he's all whistle.

The minute a girl turns around, he hides.

- Then you take over. - No!

Then if he only whistles, who made the remark about the pretty legs?

He said that to me.

About your legs?

I haven't got pretty legs.

I used to think so.

Well, they are-- Carol!

Carol, listen to me.

This fella, he's going to phone Mrs. Gordon

in exactly 20 minutes.

As soon as she recognizes his voice, she'll know it wasn't me.

Wilbur, I'd like to believe you, but--

Carol, I never have been able to whistle.

Remember on our honeymoon?

You had to hail all the taxis?

Well, now do you believe my story?

It isn't easy, Wilbur.

But you have that guilty look you always have

when you're telling the truth.

Come on.

I'm going to take you to the Gordons' with me.

I still can't figure that Post guy out.

He's got such a beautiful wife.

Why would he be flirting with you?

- What's wrong with me? - What?

I've got a good mind to pack and go home to Mother.

Honey, I didn't mean it the way it sounded.

What I meant was--

[doorbell rings]

Mr. Post.

I have come to clear this whole thing up.

Look here, Post.

In just one minute, your telephone is going to ring.

Where is it? Ah, yes.

In one minute, that telephone is going to ring.

You're going to recognize the voice of the man

who really did call you and whistle at you.

But there was no one else there.

Mrs. Gordon, the man who is smitten with you

is a friend of mine, and he's very shy.

Mr. Post, I still insist

there was no one else around in that park.

I told you, he's very shy.

He was hiding behind a tree.

What's his name?

Well, he's so shy that he can't even reveal that.

What a story.

As long as we're here,

shouldn't you give my husband a chance?

I'm giving him one.

Thank you, my dear.

He will phone in exactly 15 seconds.

14, 13, 12,

11, 10...

[knock on door]

Oh.

[Roger] Wilbur, are you in there?

Let's leave it here in the office.

They'll just love this champagne.

If they make up,

and at $3.95 a bottle, they better.

Let's leave them a little note.

What's the matter with this stupid beast?

Addison, can you think of something romantic to say?

That'll take a little time. I'm kind of out of practice.

Maybe my watch stopped.

Yes, that's what it is.

No, no. It's going.

Uh...

I'll start with, um,

"Our dear lovebirds."

Sickening and sentimental.

My dear, you have another critic.

Your telephone, it's out of order.

You've got to hear the dial tone--

Telephone's all right.

How's this?

"Our dear neighbors."

Too cold.

Well, then, how about

"To the sweetest, most lovely people we know"?

Too long.

How about, "To whom it may concern"?

- "Dear sir"? - Great. And brother.

Maybe we're in a different time zone.

My friend, he'll call any minute.

He wouldn't let me down.

He's as faithful as a horse.

I've got to get to a telephone.

It could be sunspots.

Sunspots, they'll interfere with the electricity.

And the electricity will interfere with your telephone.

No.

Your lines-- your lines could be down

from a terrible typhoon.

There could be a terrible typhoon someplace.

Wilbur, didn't you embarrass me enough before?

Did you have to put me through this, too?

I'm innocent.

I don't know what your game is, but I've had enough of it.

Mr. Gordon, please.

Somebody ought to teach you a lesson.

For a start, I'm going to bend your face a little.

- [phone rings] - Excuse me.

Hello.

It's him. It's him.

- It's him. - Hello.

Hello, baby. It's me, your bashful Romeo.

It's the same voice.

Were you in the park this morning?

Yep, and I was even hiding behind the Posts' barn this afternoon.

And you're the one who whistled?

Yep.

[wolf whistle]

Mr. Post, I owe you an apology.

Oh, Wilbur.

Oh, Mrs. Gordon.

Yes?

You've got beautiful legs.

Well, thank you.

But they don't compare to Flossie's.

Well, I finally got that note written.

My dear, it was a masterpiece.

Quote-- "Dear friends,

we hope you enjoy the champagne."

Unquote.

Well, Ed, everything worked out fine. Carol apologized.

[Ed laughs]

You got lipstick all over your cheek.

Well, she's been apologizing for the last half hour.

Wilbur, when I get you into trouble,

don't I always get you out?

Yeah, Ed, but one question.

What's that?

Why do you always get me into trouble?

Because I like to get you out.

Hey, Ed, now that I'm on such good terms

with Mrs. Gordon and her husband,

maybe I can arrange it for you to see Flossie.

[wolf whistle]

Flossie!

Wilbur?

Do you know what I just heard?

No.

I thought you said you couldn't whistle.

I couldn't.

Then all of a sudden, when I saw you in shorts,

I just-- would you turn around again?

[wolf whistle]

Oh, Wilbur.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA