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1
00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:10,604
Grand Canyon ain't nothin'.
2
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:17,170
Being a grandfather, or a father, now that's
harder than being the Grand Canyon.
3
00:00:18,120 --> 00:00:20,771
It's just a hole, sitting there,
doing nothing.
4
00:00:21,240 --> 00:00:24,608
Okay, but are you even okay without
havin' a Grand Canyon?
5
00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:30,260
Or should we just kick some sand up all
over it, and fill it up like a cat box?
6
00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:31,361
Shit.
7
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:35,860
All I'm sayin' is the Grand Canyon is
8
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,780
where Joe was left that very day.
9
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:41,780
Yo, Ebony, Ivory?
You talkin' about Joe Dirt?
10
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,201
- Yeah.
- I know a little something about Joe Dirt.
11
00:00:45,120 --> 00:00:48,140
Stopped into an old radio station I worked
a few years back.
12
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:51,050
Stayed for, it must have been a week.
13
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:54,364
Wove some bat-shit crazy tale.
14
00:00:54,560 --> 00:00:58,360
So bat-shit, he should have hung upside
down from the ceiling when he was telling it.
15
00:00:58,600 --> 00:01:01,922
I remember a big kid, bigger heart.
16
00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:05,607
Sure, you know, I'm not saying the IQ
wasn't subterranean.
17
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:09,202
I mean, that intellect was barely
skimming the treetops.
18
00:01:10,080 --> 00:01:12,686
Now, I ain't saying that I ain't
in "agree-ence" with you.
19
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:17,500
But somewhere in there,
the speechifying you making,
20
00:01:17,600 --> 00:01:19,060
it just ain't sounded right.
21
00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:21,367
Hey, John C-minus Reilly.
22
00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,731
It's not "agree-ence",
it's "agreematude".
23
00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:27,690
And by the way, what's with the mouth
for God's sakes?
24
00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:31,561
The teeth look like a half-completed
Lego project.
25
00:01:31,680 --> 00:01:33,820
What are you gargling with, M-80s?
26
00:01:33,920 --> 00:01:37,500
Are those deciduous teeth? I'm waiting
for them to change color, fall out
27
00:01:37,600 --> 00:01:41,540
and float down to the Grand. Who's your
orthodontist, Moe Howard with
28
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,060
a ball-peen hammer?
29
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,290
I mean, for God's sakes, man. It looks like
Willie Stargell took a bat to your mouth.
30
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:52,780
Now listen, JD has got himself in
another bind here.
31
00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:57,180
But, why not let the boy tell ya
his own tale, in his own way?
32
00:01:57,280 --> 00:01:59,009
Let's drop that needle, guys.
33
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,848
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
34
00:02:08,240 --> 00:02:11,767
That's a sweet song, I get
the thematics, but this is Joe Dirt.
35
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:16,363
We're gonna start this puppy off,
we gotta go old school. Try it again, guys.
36
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:03,966
Hello.
37
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:08,045
I'm Dirt. I'm Joe Dirt.
38
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,729
Those look like pretty comfortable
shoes you got on there.
39
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:18,444
My boots don't feel so good, but
they're, like, magical or something.
40
00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:22,220
Look, cracker, don't you be talking
no Forrest Gump
41
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,926
crap to me, you little bitch waffle.
42
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:29,060
Sittin' there talkin' all that honky-ass
whiney crap like,
43
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:32,767
"Mama said life is like a box
of chocolates."
44
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:34,220
Boy, sittin' next to you for even
45
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:38,530
ten seconds makes me feel like I should take
a shower in a bath full of Clorox.
46
00:03:38,880 --> 00:03:40,245
Shit.
47
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,325
Mullet head.
48
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:54,220
If I said "hi" to you, you're not going to
call me, like, a dumb crap Forrest Gump
49
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:55,651
or something, will you?
50
00:03:56,120 --> 00:03:59,920
Well, let's play it by ear.
51
00:04:00,160 --> 00:04:02,606
Are you waiting on the seven
cross-town bus?
52
00:04:02,720 --> 00:04:03,767
Fair enough.
53
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:09,171
No, I'm just waitin' for the concert
to be over, over there. I tidy up after.
54
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:14,287
- Tidy up?
- Dirty, yeah. I'm sort of, you know, a roadie.
55
00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:18,780
You travel with the bands, and you
pack up their equipment after concerts
56
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:23,300
- and their amplifiers and stuff?
- Yeah, exactly. But, no, not per Se.
57
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:27,246
I don't travel with them.
Mostly I mop up after they're done.
58
00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:33,402
Like, I clean up the poop and the barf
and things. And your occasional fart items.
59
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:35,403
And peepee, you know, whatnot.
60
00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:40,300
So, you don't actually travel with them,
and such. Not a roadie.
61
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:43,460
No, exactly. I don't know where
that started, yeah.
62
00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:46,780
- Now we're on the same page.
- Why aren't you in there,
63
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:50,202
- watching them perform?
- Well,
64
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:56,420
I ain't exactly allowed in the building
during the concerto, if you will.
65
00:04:56,520 --> 00:05:01,060
But, if there is a diarrhea emergency or
something, I get to go in and clean it up.
66
00:05:01,160 --> 00:05:03,401
And I can hear a little bit.
So there are some perks.
67
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,044
I enjoy my job. 'Cause if people have
a hard week, and they wanna rock out
68
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:12,580
at a concert, I like to help, you know,
picking up their garbage and bodily fluids,
69
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,081
just so they can relax.
They can thank me later.
70
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,801
They don't. But that's cool.
71
00:05:17,920 --> 00:05:23,211
It don't stop me from being All In, All
The Time. You know how it is, yeah.
72
00:05:23,920 --> 00:05:27,891
So much has been happening to me
that I don't even understand it all.
73
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:31,131
It's all just happening
way above my pay grade.
74
00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:34,900
Above zero? Just kidding.
75
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,765
- Sorry, that was rude.
- That's a good one. You got me.
76
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:42,020
That's pretty much how it is. See,
my new story picks up after my first story,
77
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:45,488
and yet it goes back
to the day I was born.
78
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:51,122
Well, you've got me intrigued.
And I don't see the bus coming nearby, so
79
00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:53,325
start at the beginning.
80
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:57,284
It starts where every good thing
in my life ever got started.
81
00:05:58,040 --> 00:05:59,610
Silvertown.
82
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:02,084
Man, that's the greatest town ever.
83
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:52,171
And today was the best day ever.
Man, I was marrying Brandy.
84
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:13,004
Hey! Come here, get down!
85
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,089
It was like I was dreamin'.
86
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,687
Brandy knew me better
than I knew myself.
87
00:07:20,080 --> 00:07:23,209
Like, she knew that I didn't know what
seven times seven was.
88
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,523
I mean, yeah,
now I know that it's 77, but still.
89
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,045
She knew me.
90
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:31,940
And just when I thought it couldn't
get any better, it did.
91
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:33,041
Joe...
92
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:34,889
We were gonna have a baby.
93
00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,003
Morning sickness came on fast.
94
00:07:39,040 --> 00:07:40,041
Get it out.
95
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,447
But Brandy was a real trooper about it.
96
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,567
And then the big day arrived.
97
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:53,820
Joe, honey? How are you doing?
98
00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,740
Yeah, yeah, I'm doing good, baby.
I'm doing good.
99
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,460
Please make her smart like Brandy.
Please make her smart like Brandy.
100
00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,564
- Don't make her dumb like me.
- Joe?
101
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:03,980
What?
102
00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,820
I don't know what to do. Just tell me if
there's something I need to help you with.
103
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,420
- Honey, honey, breathe. Okay?
- Yeah.
104
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,780
- In and out. That's it.
- Oh, man.
105
00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:14,769
We're gonna see our baby real soon.
106
00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:16,331
I hope she looks like you.
107
00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:17,970
Shut up!
108
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,820
I mean, shut up, because, no,
please, she has to look like you, baby.
109
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:23,922
Don't waste a favor.
What if God listens? You can't...
110
00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:28,045
You are the most handsomest man
that I have ever seen.
111
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:31,620
Baby, I think them drugs
put your eyeballs to sleep,
112
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,643
because you don't know
what you're saying.
113
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:35,929
All right, let's take a look.
114
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:40,924
Centimeter dilation,
looks just about right.
115
00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:43,004
Hey, Doc, are you smoking?
116
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,603
Was it the cigarette that
gave it away, Sherlock?
117
00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:53,124
- Doctor girl?
- Mister, may I call you Brandy?
118
00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:56,220
Because I feel like once I've seen your
muff, we should be on a first name basis.
119
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:58,700
Okay, this exchange doesn't sound too
"doctorish" to me.
120
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:01,610
How cool. Did you go to med school?
121
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:03,406
No, I did not.
122
00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:06,540
So, you don't know how doctors talk.
I thought maybe you did
123
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:10,611
the way you sounded all confident about our
exchange not sounding doctor-like.
124
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:12,700
My Joe went to the school of hard knocks
125
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,610
but graduated with honors.
Please treat him with respect.
126
00:09:15,880 --> 00:09:18,690
That's nice, Brandy, ya always say
the nicest stuff about me.
127
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,643
Well, I can't help myself, baby.
128
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:24,441
Well, well, our little girl is crowning.
You're about to meet your baby.
129
00:09:24,640 --> 00:09:27,689
- Hear that, baby?
- I love her so much already!
130
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,491
Miss? Hold on a second.
131
00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,300
Sue, I think there's another baby
up in there.
132
00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:35,643
- Did I hear there's probably another baby?
- Hey, we're in a meeting.
133
00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:41,324
Hey, Doc, I just wanna... Whoa.
Jackpot! Give me some!
134
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,722
- What?
- It's a medical term.
135
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,300
It's a medical term,
it don't sound like one.
136
00:09:46,400 --> 00:09:48,767
Wow! Did you go to med school?
137
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:53,169
- No, we went over this earlier.
- Hey, Doc, I do see another baby in there.
138
00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:55,009
Although I'm no baby expert.
139
00:09:55,160 --> 00:09:58,130
- You ain't no expert?
- I wanted to get in on this one as soon as
140
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,801
I heard it was gonna be Brandy-Boo
up here in these here stirrups.
141
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,962
- What's that?
- Get out of here, man.
142
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:06,768
What are you doing? Don't talk that way.
143
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:09,700
- Oh, shit.
- What now? What's the matter?
144
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,580
- There's three up in there.
- Three what?
145
00:10:11,680 --> 00:10:13,330
Three babies, dumbass.
146
00:10:13,440 --> 00:10:16,180
- I told you. I told you.
- Well, I see them now.
147
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:17,725
Excuse me.
148
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:24,283
Today is the day when these tiny
little lives begin their journey
149
00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,567
that, God willing, will outlast
everybody in this room.
150
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:34,322
Joe and I would appreciate it if you would
show the proper reverence.
151
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:40,700
Baby, that's so good. She got the speeches
down. That's poetry right there.
152
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,201
You're my little MLK, baby.
153
00:10:45,880 --> 00:10:50,090
This Brandy chick is pure gold.
Inside and out.
154
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:54,560
A woman like that loving a man like him.
I must have misjudged this fool.
155
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,089
What do you say we deliver these babies?
156
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:03,370
Wow. Martin Scorsese couldn't compose
a better shot.
157
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,562
What more could a guy ask for?
158
00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:08,166
That wasn't it.
159
00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:11,580
Hey, what did Brandy just say?
Let's deliver us some babies.
160
00:11:11,680 --> 00:11:12,920
You got it, Joe Dirt.
161
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,766
Give us some room.
Three babies comin' up.
162
00:11:16,080 --> 00:11:18,860
- Push! Push!
- You got this. Come on. You can do it!
163
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:19,961
Are they talking?
164
00:11:21,280 --> 00:11:24,124
Congratulations, you have triplets!
165
00:11:24,480 --> 00:11:25,500
What?
166
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:30,401
Brandy, you hear that? We got us a little
NASCAR pit crew. I'm so happy.
167
00:11:33,680 --> 00:11:38,340
Joe, it's sweet that you wanna name them
Brandy Junior, Brandy Brandy,
168
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:43,300
and Brandy 2.0 the Special Edition,
but they need real names.
169
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:47,371
You're right. You're the brains of the outfit.
All right, how about this, I've been thinking
170
00:11:48,080 --> 00:11:52,100
- Def Lep, Skynyrd and Seger.
- Joe! Be serious.
171
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:55,921
I know. The Def Lep one is wrong.
That's no good. All right, how about this?
172
00:11:56,280 --> 00:12:00,683
383 Magnum, 440 Magnum,
and 426, it's a Hemi.
173
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:04,049
It's a Hemi. Everyone loves a Hemi.
174
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,260
Joe, I am naming them.
175
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:08,420
All right, you constructed them,
you did all the work.
176
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:10,648
You made 'em perfect and amazing.
What do you got?
177
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,686
Cheyenne, Abilene, and Dakota.
178
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:18,891
So perfect. You're so good at this,
three for three.
179
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:20,640
- Yeah?
- You did good.
180
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:22,481
Look at 'em.
181
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,324
So everything was good.
182
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:27,365
Sure there were some bumps.
183
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,724
Like this local guy, Jimmy Yauch.
Man, he was worse than Robby.
184
00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:33,771
What you doing over there?
185
00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:36,324
Makes the smoke minty fresh.
186
00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,967
What, are you a scientist now?
187
00:12:40,880 --> 00:12:44,420
No, I drive a truck for Kipper's tow yard.
I thought you knew that.
188
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:46,522
And you suck what? I didn't hear that.
189
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:53,327
First of all, no, and second, who's
feeding you all this false information?
190
00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:55,603
Well, that would be your mother, son.
191
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,940
I think you better stop.
You better stop now.
192
00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:04,602
'Cause like Omar say,
"You come at the king, you best not miss."
193
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:10,161
- But, I didn't come at you.
- Anyways, boys, I been working on a song.
194
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,845
About the hottest shorty boo that ever
did walk the face of the Earth.
195
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:18,601
And I'm telling you this right now.
Brandy, one day she will be mine.
196
00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:19,721
Now this I swear.
197
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:21,881
Check this out.
198
00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:27,361
I'm a son of a gun
not a box of six-gun repeaters
199
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:33,409
I'm a backdoor man
not just some Walmart greeter
200
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:37,091
I'm rocking a double five-five wiener
201
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:41,081
Looking for Brandy's love meter
202
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,605
Damn it, I know I suck.
I ain't got no poetry.
203
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:56,563
See, with a girl like Brandy,
you got to have some poetry in you.
204
00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,123
But it's a catch-22.
205
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:02,729
Because a woman like that
puts the poetry in you.
206
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:08,448
Damn it to 'Frisco. I hate poetry.
I can't stand poetry.
207
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,651
Damn Joe Dirt. It ain't right!
208
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:16,130
It ain't right. It should be me, man.
It should be me and not Joe Dirt.
209
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:20,126
Sorry about that guitar thing, man.
It got out of hand.
210
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,090
It is what it is.
211
00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:24,803
We all have our cross to bear.
212
00:14:26,680 --> 00:14:29,126
Mine is Joe piece of Dirt.
213
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,847
Jimmy, that dude was trouble
waiting to happen.
214
00:14:34,120 --> 00:14:38,489
But my girls, man, look at them.
They was growing like weeds.
215
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,121
Three beautiful flowers.
216
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:45,923
Yeah, more flowers than weeds. Forget
weeds. They was growin' like flowers.
217
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:51,288
But deep down inside, I was feeling like,
who was I to be happy, you know?
218
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:54,883
'Cause I was always nervous,
feeling like it could all go away.
219
00:14:56,280 --> 00:15:00,330
Turns out I was right to be worried, because
soon it all started unraveling on me.
220
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:06,085
I got this job as a logger, and one day,
it all started coming crashing down on me.
221
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:08,020
It came down real bad.
222
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:09,406
Eleven-footer.
223
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,607
Yeah. Yeah.
224
00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,680
Luke, I am your logger.
225
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,245
You can't hear it, but it was funny.
All right, here we go.
226
00:15:44,680 --> 00:15:46,011
It's sticking.
227
00:15:50,080 --> 00:15:51,081
That's lunch.
228
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:58,204
I think I cut 66 logs so far, man.
229
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:01,249
Probably get a good price down
at the mill.
230
00:16:01,840 --> 00:16:03,260
- Hey, Dirt?
- Yep.
231
00:16:03,360 --> 00:16:06,045
- You strong?
- You know it.
232
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:09,601
Pick that up.
233
00:16:12,720 --> 00:16:15,087
Kinda walked into
that one, didn't I? Yeah.
234
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:18,283
Hey, Dirt. You look like Elmer Fudd
in that hat.
235
00:16:19,400 --> 00:16:21,402
Shit, more like Elmer Fudgepacker.
236
00:16:23,240 --> 00:16:27,564
Yeah, that guy in the cartoons.
Yeah, I guess. Looking stupid, yeah.
237
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:30,780
I seem to have forgotten my lunch,
238
00:16:30,880 --> 00:16:33,087
maybe you could give me the apple core
when you're done with it?
239
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:35,490
Nah, you can't have that, boy.
240
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,561
I do have something for ya. Here you go.
241
00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:47,925
Mind if I join ya? I got one for ya.
Come on, dirty Dirt. Come on.
242
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,445
I got one. I got one for a face to
land on, myself.
243
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,608
A little up close and person...
244
00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:01,122
Boy, that one has got sauerkraut.
245
00:17:01,840 --> 00:17:03,842
Hey, little logger boy.
246
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,327
Sexy Joe. These boys giving you trouble?
247
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:12,084
No, Missy, we're just funning around.
248
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,929
Can you keep a secret?
249
00:17:14,560 --> 00:17:17,689
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Then keep this a secret.
250
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:29,846
That secret had some secret sauce in it.
251
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:32,925
How was hers the worst one?
Oh, man, Missy.
252
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:36,289
I still got some meth gas left inside.
253
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:40,731
Get this guy a paper towel.
254
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:47,965
You're right, kraut.
Can you read farts, boy?
255
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,009
Tell me what I had
for supper last night.
256
00:17:51,040 --> 00:17:54,328
All right, that's it, man.
22 times ain't funny no more.
257
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,842
Is this where you wanna be when Jesus
comes back? Fartin' in Joe Dirt's face?
258
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,685
I will take my chances.
259
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:06,921
Daddy?
260
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:10,644
Why are they farting on you?
261
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:16,571
And right there, it started to dawn on them
that their dad,
262
00:18:17,120 --> 00:18:21,728
the dad they used to think was Superman,
wasn't no Superman.
263
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:25,807
He was a loser. He was just Joe Dirt.
264
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,940
Y'all leave him alone.
265
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:44,364
Stop farting into his face, or there's more
whoop-ass where that came from.
266
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:47,331
- Missy!
- What? I have a medical condition.
267
00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:48,851
Scram, girl!
268
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:50,607
I can't catch a break.
269
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:54,361
Honey, are you all right?
270
00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,820
Yeah, Brandy. I can take care of myself.
271
00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:58,780
I don't need you kicking
these guys' butts for me.
272
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:02,726
I know you can take care of yourself, baby.
Of course you can.
273
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:13,722
And that was it.
They saw right through me.
274
00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:17,365
I'm just the boy who was left at
the Grand Canyon.
275
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:23,401
Like some empty Popsicle wrapper,
you know? Like cherry or lemon-lime.
276
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:25,604
Orange is another flavor...
277
00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:28,447
You see now, I never invented
something great.
278
00:19:28,560 --> 00:19:32,087
I didn't do anything like that.
I didn't invent antigravity or
279
00:19:33,160 --> 00:19:37,290
Snausages, or them "Back off, Jack!"
Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
280
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:38,765
Those are cool. I wish I did.
281
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:43,540
I just thought, if I was rich or famous,
you know, then I could make 'em proud
282
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,340
and then they'd love me for real.
283
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:51,401
Joe, that's ridiculous! You love them,
they love you. Go tell them, it'll be fine.
284
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:52,927
I can't.
285
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,761
'Cause everything just went away,
like I knew it would.
286
00:19:56,880 --> 00:20:01,602
You know, one time, when I was growing up,
I was in one of my many foster homes
287
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:03,450
and they had a guy come speak to us,
288
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:06,281
and he was super smart,
he was wearing glasses and everything.
289
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:09,811
He said something that stuck with me,
I'll never forget it.
290
00:20:10,160 --> 00:20:13,740
He said, "Revolutions never happen in
countries where things get so bad
291
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:15,649
"that people can't take it anymore."
292
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:19,641
No. "Revolutions happen when things
just get a little bit better."
293
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,847
People get a taste of what
they've been missing.
294
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:24,441
And I got that.
295
00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:27,487
I got my family, and now it's gone.
296
00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:32,085
- Gone, what happened?
- Well, this is the part of the story
297
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,205
where it gets really weird.
298
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,724
There was a storm coming.
Man, a big storm.
299
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:42,441
A "mess up your hair really bad" storm.
300
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:47,100
Get into the basement. Come on!
Cover your eyes!
301
00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:49,328
- It's all going to be okay!
- Cover your eyes!
302
00:20:49,440 --> 00:20:51,820
- Come on, girls.
- Basement. Go, babe.
303
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,900
Come on, babies, hurry.
304
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:58,140
- Daddy, I'm scared.
- It's just wind. I know, baby, it's just wind.
305
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:02,020
Daddy, my princess tiara.
I left it in the trailer.
306
00:21:02,120 --> 00:21:06,364
- It's okay. It'll be there tomorrow, honey.
- But it was a birthday present from Daddy.
307
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,580
- I'll go get it.
- No. Don't go.
308
00:21:14,680 --> 00:21:18,002
I'll get it. It's okay, baby.
I'm Superman. I'll be back.
309
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,050
Daddy, be careful. We love you!
310
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,484
Be careful, Joe.
311
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:28,203
Come on. Hurry!
312
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:42,642
Dang, that twister's getting close!
313
00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,084
Yeah, this one is for real.
314
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:48,802
Please don't scratch my car!
315
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:52,726
Hi, Daddy.
316
00:21:55,120 --> 00:21:57,043
Girls, what happened to the storm?
317
00:21:57,160 --> 00:22:02,371
What are you talking about, loser?
Go make us some cash like Kanye.
318
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:04,244
Treat us like North.
319
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,401
Cow?
320
00:22:44,520 --> 00:22:47,060
Sock him in the jaw. He's all yours.
He's all yours.
321
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,561
Back him up, back him up.
Knock him down.
322
00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:53,924
I'm gonna whup you 'til you ain't nothin'
but loose bones and loose change...
323
00:22:58,480 --> 00:22:59,845
Oh, crap.
324
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:12,171
You see that? Y'all see what happened?
325
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,887
A trailer come out of the sky,
and lands on Lucky Louie.
326
00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:19,564
Lucky Louie's dead.
That could have been any one of us.
327
00:23:23,320 --> 00:23:25,243
What happened?
328
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:31,045
You done killed the most vicious leader
to ever head up the Smokin' Jokers.
329
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:35,847
You killed Lucky Louie,
with just one house.
330
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:40,571
No, no, man. I didn't kill nobody.
I was spinning in the twister
331
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,369
- and it was a bad storm, it threw me.
- What storm?
332
00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:49,847
It was black clouds, now it's all
tweet-tweet. I don't know what happened.
333
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:53,682
You killed Lucky Louie, and now you're
our new leader.
334
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:56,244
Long as you wear these,
335
00:23:57,120 --> 00:24:00,010
we go where you go,
and we ride where you ride.
336
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:04,322
Oh, man, these are nice. The ruby's
a little fruity, but I'll take them.
337
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:07,086
Name's Foggle.
What's your name, brother?
338
00:24:07,680 --> 00:24:11,162
Joe. Joe Dirt. Joe Dirtay.
339
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:12,407
Which is it?
340
00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:15,405
- Joe Dirt.
- You all hear that?
341
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:19,527
- All hail, Joe Dirt.
- All hail Joe Dirt.
342
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:22,722
You guys ain't gonna fart
on me, are you?
343
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:27,940
Long story short, we stomped those three
dudes so bad,
344
00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:30,486
they got to take
their boots off to piss.
345
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,180
Anyway, that kinda ass-kicking fun is
an everyday thing for us
346
00:24:36,280 --> 00:24:39,762
and now you get to tell us who to kick,
and in which ass.
347
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:43,460
All right, man.
348
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:46,404
Well, kind of like monkey see,
monkey do, I like that.
349
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:50,805
Okay. How about this? I need a vet,
'cause these puppies are sick.
350
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,971
I need a vet,
'cause these puppies are sick.
351
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:57,889
Not bad, I'm a good leader.
352
00:24:58,120 --> 00:24:59,620
But I'm actually not. I'm no good.
353
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:03,406
I know I couldn't lead a colony of ants
to a melting Hershey Bar to be honest,
354
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:04,561
believe me, I've tried.
355
00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,660
But I do have three daughters I want you
to meet.
356
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:09,900
I've got a pretty wife, I'll bring her down.
We'll all have fun, maybe brunch.
357
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:12,420
And by the way, you know,
all the kids stuff, blah blah.
358
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:15,649
So no talking about fighting,
and drinking, and spitting,
359
00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:18,260
and punching, and kicking, you get it.
'Cause, you know,
360
00:25:18,360 --> 00:25:21,284
that kind of violent imagery
for a child, I don't want.
361
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:26,460
Besides, this is the year 2015, I don't know
about even a motorcycle "gang" fighting...
362
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:30,610
"2015"? It's not 2015. It's 1965.
363
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:35,288
No, I'm sayin' now is 2015, June 2015.
364
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:40,447
No, it's definitely June,
but it ain't no 2015, Mr. Dirt.
365
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,122
This is June 1965.
366
00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:47,286
June 1965? Well if that's true, I'd be running
around in diapies, that's when I was born.
367
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:49,205
I don't got no diapies on.
368
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:52,620
But anyway, I like it here,
and I wanna meet everybody.
369
00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,802
And I think as a new leader,
I'm gonna name everybody.
370
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:59,085
'Cause, you know, gangs have nicknames.
I think that's fun. I'm gonna start in the back.
371
00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,883
You think I'm ignoring you?
Back there, you got sort of a beak
372
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,529
on your nose, like,
a little bit like a bird.
373
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,809
What's a funny bird name?
"Bird" is not, that's too uninteresting.
374
00:26:10,200 --> 00:26:15,060
A mean one is vulture. You're Vulture
from now on, if anyone asks you, okay?
375
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:16,605
Let's look around the room.
376
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:20,520
All right, here we go,
there's Mean Marvin, No Soap Sam,
377
00:26:20,720 --> 00:26:24,700
Douche Bag, Jolly Mean Giant, Church
Burner, Fruit Loop, Palm Tree,
378
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:28,691
Crazy Eyes, Dopey,
Inky, more like Stinky.
379
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:33,882
We got Pillow Biter, Reload, No Nut,
380
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:38,290
Momma Hates You, Gooey Load, Queefie,
381
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:41,524
Jock Strap Jonny, okay,
Tea-Bagger Vance,
382
00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:42,681
Nucky Futz,
383
00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:47,483
Charlie Dog, Super Dumb, there's
Going to Hell, there's Gary.
384
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:52,286
Con Artist Connie, One Eye, Two Eye,
385
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,522
Two Eyes is no good.
Everybody has two eyes, right?
386
00:26:54,640 --> 00:26:58,780
I'm running out. Porn Stash,
Little Killer, Medium Killer,
387
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:03,740
Flat Ass, Boogie Oogie, Cher,
Mitch the Bitch, Knee Caps, No Teeth.
388
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:07,780
- Knock knock. Who's there? You're Ugly.
- "Ugly"?
389
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:09,882
That whole thing is your nickname.
390
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:14,881
And you are, I forgot you, Foggle.
How about, Lead Singer of Blue Oyster Cult.
391
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:18,620
You'll get that one. That's funny.
You seen him? You get it good.
392
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:20,980
Maybe the bass player, it's exact.
393
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:24,971
Anyway, as your new leader,
I command ye to roll up your sleeves,
394
00:27:25,080 --> 00:27:28,482
and let's do some charity work.
Let's do some good for once, you know?
395
00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:32,770
Let's get out there and help, because that's
where we wanna be when Jesus comes back.
396
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:35,088
Who's with me?
Come on now, let's do this.
397
00:27:39,560 --> 00:27:41,085
You hear that, everybody?
398
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:45,764
That little queer wants us to
help people in need.
399
00:27:46,080 --> 00:27:47,081
Yeah?
400
00:27:49,360 --> 00:27:54,002
Is that queer, man? Is that queer?
Think this is queer?
401
00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:55,161
Yes.
402
00:27:55,840 --> 00:27:56,841
What?
403
00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:58,969
Well, next time
don't make it a question.
404
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:00,850
You're all like, "Is this queer?"
405
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:03,606
So that just walks you right into
the answer, which is yes.
406
00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:05,684
Just make it a statement, dumbass.
407
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:09,446
Yeah? What about...
408
00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,085
Yeah, hey, Foggle, you're strong.
409
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:17,480
Strong smellin', yeah.
Got ya, hold 'em up. Hold 'em up.
410
00:28:17,800 --> 00:28:19,689
- Got ya good.
- It took you that long to think of that?
411
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:23,201
To be honest, I thought of it about
a week ago, and then
412
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:26,123
I've been waiting to use it.
413
00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,180
But I didn't think I would.
It's been in the chamber loaded up,
414
00:28:28,280 --> 00:28:29,964
and guess who got it? You.
415
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:32,682
Guess what else? I got your boots.
416
00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:35,020
You think you're gonna get 'em back?
Not quite, termite.
417
00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:38,010
- Give us those boots.
- I'm running away. Good luck catching me.
418
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:39,406
Which way am I going?
419
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:41,601
Get back here!
420
00:28:42,320 --> 00:28:44,971
You ain't man enough to wear those boots.
You know that, Joe Dirt.
421
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,500
You ain't nothing.
You know that in your heart.
422
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:51,207
We will track you to the gates of hell.
423
00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:52,967
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
424
00:28:55,240 --> 00:28:56,241
Stupid Foggle.
425
00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:01,285
What a dumb name. He needs a cool name,
like Joe Dirtay.
426
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:04,169
Hey, Foggle.
427
00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:06,371
Why don't you go play Boggle?
428
00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,644
God dang, that's so funny,
why didn't I say it?
429
00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:11,526
I think of all the good ones too late.
430
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:15,126
Well, I got my tennis shoes,
and his stupid boots!
431
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:17,445
Well, I don't need
these sneakers no more.
432
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:21,521
Fetch that, Boggle!
433
00:29:21,880 --> 00:29:24,645
Man, it usually takes me 27 times. Nice.
434
00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:29,847
Hey, how come ya threw your sneakers up
over that power line?
435
00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:34,125
- Why? You've never seen that before?
- No, silly head!
436
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:37,251
Silly head, 1965.
437
00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:40,888
I must've travelled through some sort of
vortex and tumbled through time,
438
00:29:41,320 --> 00:29:42,321
like a time traveler.
439
00:29:43,000 --> 00:29:44,047
I don't know what's happening.
440
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:46,801
But I'll tell ya, that happens
in the future.
441
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,940
We find out carbs are bad for ya,
just a heads up.
442
00:29:50,040 --> 00:29:52,884
Hey. You really from the future?
443
00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:54,201
Yeah, man.
444
00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:57,683
Maybe you should move down to Louisiana,
help me start my fishing business!
445
00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:00,441
You and I together, man, we could catch
a lot of shrimp!
446
00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:05,568
I mean, there's rock shrimp, Atlantic shrimp,
salt shrimp, boo-boo shrimp, tater shrimp,
447
00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:09,361
shrimp on a stick, shrimp remoulade, shrimp
in your pasta, you know what, fuck shrimp!
448
00:30:09,760 --> 00:30:12,300
Okay, so, no on the shrimp biz?
449
00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:14,482
What's the situation with your hair?
450
00:30:14,640 --> 00:30:15,880
Did I call your number?
451
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:17,561
Are we in a deli?
452
00:30:17,720 --> 00:30:20,087
We are not. And I did not. Goodbye.
453
00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:22,963
Did you call number three yet?
454
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:26,602
Did I call number... No, that was a metaphor,
this ain't really a bakery, man.
455
00:30:27,000 --> 00:30:29,446
Yeah, I know. I was just patiently
waiting my turn.
456
00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:32,086
You see that? He's patiently
waiting his turn, all right?
457
00:30:32,400 --> 00:30:34,607
That's nice, instead
of yelling out nonsense.
458
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:37,087
Yeah, one day I'm gonna dig a hole.
459
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:39,161
Well, that's great, man.
460
00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:41,980
See, there you go.
You're gonna have a great, big hole.
461
00:30:42,080 --> 00:30:44,481
It's gonna be the biggest one,
and I'm glad you're setting goals.
462
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:46,444
It's gonna be in my living room.
463
00:30:47,680 --> 00:30:49,887
Yeah, well, you had me,
then you lost me there.
464
00:30:50,400 --> 00:30:52,540
- Are you married?
- I am married. Now, that's a normal question.
465
00:30:52,640 --> 00:30:55,371
- I'm married to Brandy. She's sweet.
- Wait a minute.
466
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:57,888
Is she like a great big fat person?
467
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:02,490
A great big fat person? She is not.
She's about 115, I'm guessing.
468
00:31:03,000 --> 00:31:05,526
I really wish those numbers
were turned around.
469
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:07,451
Like 511?
470
00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:09,405
Well, then she'd be
a great big fat person.
471
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:15,540
Yeah, no, I like her 115. Anything over,
like, 400 I'm not super attracted to.
472
00:31:15,640 --> 00:31:17,290
I'd like to cut her skin off,
473
00:31:17,720 --> 00:31:22,760
and then sew it together, so that
I could wear it as a human tracksuit.
474
00:31:25,120 --> 00:31:29,330
Maybe I'm hearing you wrong, it sounds
a little not normal, what you're saying?
475
00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:30,601
My name's Bob.
476
00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:34,643
If I had any friends,
they'd call me Buffalo Bob.
477
00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:39,281
Why don't you give me a call if your wife
ever becomes a great big fat person?
478
00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:41,721
Buffalo Bob, that sounds...
479
00:31:42,800 --> 00:31:45,644
You have no idea what kind of hell
I can bring you!
480
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:49,380
All right, enough, you broken record!
481
00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:50,820
Does what it's told!
482
00:31:50,920 --> 00:31:53,685
Say it, don't spray it, brother! Dang.
483
00:31:54,040 --> 00:31:55,041
Buffalo Bob!
484
00:31:55,480 --> 00:31:56,481
Man!
485
00:31:56,880 --> 00:31:58,689
Was that all in my living room?
486
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:00,131
'Cause that's step one.
487
00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:03,570
Gotta run. There's a huge crazy party
behind that shed.
488
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:05,683
You can go, there's three tickets left.
489
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:10,081
What are you up to?
490
00:32:12,680 --> 00:32:14,011
"Genghis Khan."
491
00:32:15,520 --> 00:32:16,681
Genghis Khan what?
492
00:32:29,240 --> 00:32:30,890
It's a comic book store?
493
00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:35,204
If I'm back in time,
I could maybe buy...
494
00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:39,881
Is that Brandy?
495
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:42,001
Brandy!
496
00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:06,245
Like a beaut.
497
00:33:10,720 --> 00:33:12,210
You got that $5 you owe me?
498
00:33:13,560 --> 00:33:16,928
See, I was thinking, you know,
since we're both seniors now,
499
00:33:17,840 --> 00:33:21,287
maybe it's time we, you know...
500
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:24,560
Wait a second. I think I see Jill.
501
00:33:25,240 --> 00:33:28,403
I've gotta go talk to her.
She needs help with her homework.
502
00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:29,721
All right.
503
00:33:30,080 --> 00:33:33,050
Homework is important.
I'll be here, waiting.
504
00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:36,281
Like always.
505
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:42,409
Wow. That was a total red light.
506
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,127
She gave you nothing but brake fluid.
You're smothered in it.
507
00:33:45,440 --> 00:33:46,521
So funny I forgot to laugh.
508
00:33:47,600 --> 00:33:50,331
Guess it's time to try the old
"Popcorn Surprise."
509
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:51,961
What's a "Popcorn Surprise"?
510
00:33:52,800 --> 00:33:53,847
Listen up, here's the skinny.
511
00:33:54,840 --> 00:33:57,605
See, I put a hole through the bottom of
a large tub of popcorn.
512
00:33:57,960 --> 00:33:58,961
Does the popcorn fall out?
513
00:33:59,680 --> 00:34:01,409
I don't know, it doesn't matter,
all right?
514
00:34:01,720 --> 00:34:06,681
After I cut the hole through,
I put my thingy up through the hole.
515
00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:09,440
Wait, hold on now, fella, you lost me.
What's a thingy?
516
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:11,045
Get smart and get smart fast!
517
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,164
That thing you use to go number one?
518
00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:16,580
So that's what keeps the popcorn
from falling out.
519
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:17,660
Makes sense.
520
00:34:17,760 --> 00:34:19,205
I guess so, but that's not the point.
521
00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:23,644
All right? Anyways, after I get my thingy
stuck up through the hole,
522
00:34:23,960 --> 00:34:28,170
she reaches to grab the popcorn,
presto! Handful of thingy!
523
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:31,610
- That's cool.
- Spread the word around.
524
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,260
- It's gonna be classic.
- Yeah, all right, all right!
525
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:35,361
Go, go, go!
526
00:34:36,960 --> 00:34:38,928
So, he finally made his move on you?
527
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:45,247
Yeah, he's sweet, but I don't have
those kind of feelings for him.
528
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:47,820
You need to check
your temperature, girl,
529
00:34:47,920 --> 00:34:50,321
because he's the most
dreamiest boy in school.
530
00:34:50,440 --> 00:34:54,889
Brandy, hey, sorry.
I just ran five miles chasing you!
531
00:34:55,560 --> 00:34:56,561
What are you doing here?
532
00:34:57,720 --> 00:34:59,563
What are you wearing? That looks funny.
533
00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:01,526
I'm sorry, do I know you?
534
00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:04,846
- Brandy!
- And my name isn't Brandy.
535
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:06,801
I'm Ashleen.
536
00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:09,740
Well, if it's 1965 and you're Ashleen...
537
00:35:09,840 --> 00:35:13,561
Yeah, it's 1965, strange-o.
What about it, you freaky guy?
538
00:35:14,280 --> 00:35:16,681
Oh, my God, are you Brandy's mom?
539
00:35:18,800 --> 00:35:22,566
I don't know what you're sayin', but I have
always liked the name Brandy.
540
00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:24,963
I could see me namin' a daughter that.
541
00:35:25,200 --> 00:35:27,362
Yeah, you can, 'cause you...
542
00:35:28,240 --> 00:35:31,244
Why are you talkin' to our girls, and what's
the deal with your hair, you weirdo?
543
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:33,170
Yeah, show him your muscles, fellas.
544
00:35:33,280 --> 00:35:35,123
Maybe he'll scram. And scram fast.
545
00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:37,041
Check this out.
546
00:35:37,640 --> 00:35:38,641
Do you even lift?
547
00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:45,367
Listen, I better go, because these guys
are getting a little cranky.
548
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:49,361
All right? So listen, Ashleen,
I think I came here to the past
549
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:52,220
to fix something about myself, you know?
550
00:35:52,320 --> 00:35:55,483
So, I deserve the daughter
that you're gonna have one day.
551
00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:00,563
- I don't know what you mean.
- I don't know either.
552
00:36:01,040 --> 00:36:03,930
And by the way, do not eat
Jimmy's popcorn, okay?
553
00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:08,206
"Jimmy"? No, his name is Rory.
554
00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:09,601
Rory Yauch.
555
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:15,100
Fudge! That's Jimmy's dad!
Man, this shit just got officially weird.
556
00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:18,090
Hey, you watch your language,
buddy boy fella!
557
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:19,840
You want a big bar of soap
in your mouth?
558
00:36:20,280 --> 00:36:21,281
Hey, are you a vet?
559
00:36:21,880 --> 00:36:23,245
'Cause these puppies are sick.
560
00:36:23,840 --> 00:36:27,447
Yeah, you like that one? Talk to the fist,
'cause the hand is pissed.
561
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:30,450
Those are from the future!
You just got futurized.
562
00:36:30,680 --> 00:36:33,126
You got a burn, and it came down from
the future and got you.
563
00:36:33,400 --> 00:36:36,961
You're a little dazed right now,
it'll go away. But don't fight it, just...
564
00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:39,329
Hey, he's gonna give you
the "Popcorn Surprise."
565
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:41,405
What's a "Popcorn Surprise"?
566
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:44,020
I'll give you a hint, it's more surprise
than popcorn, okay?
567
00:36:44,120 --> 00:36:46,282
Just promise me you don't put your hand
in that cup, all right?
568
00:36:47,160 --> 00:36:48,685
Just think of me as your guardian angel,
all right?
569
00:36:49,720 --> 00:36:51,688
Looking out for the love of my life.
570
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:53,921
Bye!
571
00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:04,610
How are you, son?
This movie's a hoot, isn't it?
572
00:37:04,880 --> 00:37:06,940
Dad, what are you doin' here? Mom!
573
00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:08,041
I want some popcorn.
574
00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:09,446
No, no!
575
00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:12,451
Don't, stop!
576
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:16,361
Don't stop, don't stop!
577
00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:18,060
I like it.
578
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:19,161
Don't stop, don't stop!
579
00:37:19,400 --> 00:37:20,526
It won't come out!
580
00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:22,281
Yeah.
581
00:37:22,560 --> 00:37:23,561
Yeah.
582
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:25,321
Yeah.
583
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:28,081
Oh, my God.
584
00:37:38,560 --> 00:37:42,804
Man, old comic books in mint condition
for 10 cents apiece.
585
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:44,361
Not bad.
586
00:37:44,600 --> 00:37:47,968
Give Joe Dirt lemons,
he gonna make goldenade.
587
00:37:49,680 --> 00:37:51,569
Nah, lemonade, he gonna make lemonade.
588
00:37:55,720 --> 00:37:57,245
This must be why I'm here.
589
00:37:58,040 --> 00:37:59,041
To get rich.
590
00:37:59,640 --> 00:38:02,723
So my girls will love me for real,
instead of the loser that I am.
591
00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:04,921
I'll buy 'em presents.
592
00:38:05,520 --> 00:38:06,500
Yeah.
593
00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:09,285
This one is gonna buy Abilene braces.
594
00:38:10,640 --> 00:38:13,928
This one's gonna buy braces for Dakota.
595
00:38:14,800 --> 00:38:17,883
And this one. What can I get Cheyenne?
596
00:38:18,720 --> 00:38:19,721
I can get braces.
597
00:38:20,960 --> 00:38:26,046
And this, Brandy, you're gonna get
a new used car!
598
00:38:29,720 --> 00:38:33,725
Don't worry, little tree, that won't hurt ya.
You're gonna grow up big and strong.
599
00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:38,087
Pretty nice. Take that, Home Depot.
Life's a garden, dig it!
600
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:44,882
Well that was easy. Now that I'm rich,
I'm gonna get back to my trailer.
601
00:38:45,320 --> 00:38:46,651
'Cause that's where
this whole thing started,
602
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:49,047
and maybe that's where
this whole thing ends.
603
00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:53,806
No, no, no.
604
00:38:54,680 --> 00:38:56,762
No, no, no. Crap.
605
00:39:04,240 --> 00:39:05,287
Well, well, well.
606
00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:07,921
If it isn't Joe Dirt.
607
00:39:08,480 --> 00:39:09,481
Hey, Foggle.
608
00:39:09,680 --> 00:39:13,820
Now see, when I ride with a man like this guy,
I got a nice thick phonebook between us.
609
00:39:13,920 --> 00:39:15,763
Like this thing right here.
610
00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:19,127
That way we're not really
touching each other.
611
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:21,100
Right.
612
00:39:21,200 --> 00:39:24,682
Now, Joe here, if he were to
ride behind a man,
613
00:39:25,280 --> 00:39:29,922
he probably wouldn't have a phonebook
dividing him from the other man.
614
00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:35,940
No, no, no. He would say, "No, I don't need
no phonebook in between us,
615
00:39:36,040 --> 00:39:37,963
"because I'd rather be nice and cozy."
616
00:39:41,280 --> 00:39:44,887
Or if he puts something in between him
and the other man,
617
00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:48,642
he would want it to be a little
bit thinner, like a magazine.
618
00:39:50,480 --> 00:39:52,801
Or like a menu.
619
00:39:54,440 --> 00:39:57,523
- A really thin menu.
- Like a Kleenex.
620
00:40:00,560 --> 00:40:01,971
You wish you'd thought of Kleenex.
621
00:40:02,640 --> 00:40:03,641
I want those boots, Joe.
622
00:40:03,960 --> 00:40:05,371
Foggle, look what I'm doing.
623
00:40:06,320 --> 00:40:07,260
I'm takin' 'em off.
624
00:40:07,360 --> 00:40:08,820
You know you ain't man enough
to wear those boots.
625
00:40:08,920 --> 00:40:10,046
- You give 'em to me, boy.
- No.
626
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:13,085
What if I unzipped
and rubbed 'em on my private parts?
627
00:40:14,000 --> 00:40:15,126
You wouldn't like that!
628
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,089
You don't put that nowhere
near your thingy!
629
00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:18,900
That scare you?
630
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:21,731
I'll do it. Yeah, I'm crazy, I do it!
631
00:40:22,600 --> 00:40:27,527
Look, here come the police! Too bad 'cause
you're the bad guy, I'm the good guy.
632
00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:28,681
Hey!
633
00:40:30,640 --> 00:40:31,580
Are you Joe Dirt?
634
00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:35,446
Yeah, hey there, hi there, ho there, Officer,
what is crappenin'?
635
00:40:35,880 --> 00:40:36,881
Figured it was you.
636
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:39,367
You had that weird hairdo
they said you called a "mullet."
637
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:40,885
Yeah, that's me.
638
00:40:41,840 --> 00:40:44,491
Did you buy comic books
with this here money?
639
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,568
Yeah, you know I did, that's right.
640
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:49,140
Well, then, you're under arrest
for using counterfeit money.
641
00:40:49,240 --> 00:40:52,050
What, no! It ain't counterfeit,
it's future money!
642
00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:53,890
From my future pocket!
643
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:55,729
You just tell that to them
down at the station.
644
00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:58,651
I'm under arrest so those guys
can't kill me now!
645
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:00,850
- What guys?
- Those guys!
646
00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:03,780
See ya later, I'm innocent, sorry!
647
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:04,980
Hey, get back here!
648
00:41:05,080 --> 00:41:06,320
I bumped your car, sorry!
649
00:41:06,600 --> 00:41:07,580
Come on, we gotta go get him.
650
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:10,047
Pursuit on foot going west on Hartford.
651
00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:11,885
It ain't over, Joe Dirt.
652
00:41:12,760 --> 00:41:15,161
We're your personal demons from hell!
653
00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:18,201
Let's go.
654
00:41:18,400 --> 00:41:19,561
Where's my phonebook?
655
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:26,407
So I was on the lam. They even let the dogs
out on me and everything.
656
00:41:26,560 --> 00:41:29,848
But I got away, man, I pretended to be
a scarecrow in a field.
657
00:41:30,200 --> 00:41:31,929
Them stupid cops, they never caught me.
658
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:33,401
What about the dogs?
659
00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:36,408
The dogs, I dunno, I don't remember.
660
00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:38,290
Anyway, so there I was, on the run.
661
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:39,921
Escape from the police.
662
00:41:40,240 --> 00:41:42,322
Police dogs have a real good
sense of smell.
663
00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:45,849
Even if you were a scarecrow,
how could the dogs not find you?
664
00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:47,970
You know, they did find me,
665
00:41:48,200 --> 00:41:50,601
but I got lucky, they just walked away.
666
00:41:51,440 --> 00:41:54,842
How did they just walk away?
I mean, they just walked away?
667
00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:57,930
They knocked me over on the pole on
the ground, and they just walked away!
668
00:41:58,040 --> 00:41:59,180
I dunno, they had dog stuff to do.
669
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:00,500
You're focusing on the wrong part
of the story.
670
00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:02,420
I can't imagine.
Why would they just walk away?
671
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,603
God dang, with the dogs!
Who gives a care?
672
00:42:06,120 --> 00:42:08,805
The dogs, all right,
you gotta solve the case!
673
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:11,726
All right, they all humped me,
is that what you wanna know?
674
00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:16,045
You found it out, Nancy Drew,
you solved the case of the horny dogs.
675
00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:18,961
No, no!
676
00:42:24,200 --> 00:42:25,964
Well, glad you got
a good chuckle out of it.
677
00:42:27,120 --> 00:42:29,168
It was terrible,
I was man's best friend!
678
00:42:29,880 --> 00:42:32,121
More like, man's best friend
with benefits.
679
00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:34,330
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
680
00:42:34,600 --> 00:42:38,889
I don't know if you started the "dogs like to
hump people's legs" fad,
681
00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:43,326
but think about it, you started
the shoes on the line, and the mullet.
682
00:42:44,240 --> 00:42:49,485
You know, you might be like
the white trash Johnny Appleseed.
683
00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:51,765
Well, maybe.
684
00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:55,563
You know, once I extricated myself from
the dog pile,
685
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:59,407
they were done, basically,
once they got the money shot,
686
00:42:59,720 --> 00:43:00,801
if you get my drift,
687
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:02,167
which I hope you don't.
688
00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:04,442
- God.
- Anyway,
689
00:43:04,560 --> 00:43:06,927
so there I was, on the run.
I was runnin' through the night,
690
00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:08,921
and you can't believe what I saw.
691
00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:12,641
Ruby's.
692
00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:15,368
I like any place that sounds
like "boobies."
693
00:43:15,680 --> 00:43:16,681
Man.
694
00:43:16,880 --> 00:43:18,291
Where's the crowd when you need 'em?
695
00:43:18,520 --> 00:43:20,045
I got some LOLs going.
696
00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:44,530
Man, that singer looks like a young
Ronnie Van Zant.
697
00:43:49,640 --> 00:43:52,883
Wait. That's Ronnie. Bob. Gary.
698
00:43:53,560 --> 00:43:55,130
Oh, my God! This is Lynyrd Skynyrd!
699
00:43:55,720 --> 00:43:56,801
Before they were Skynyrd!
700
00:43:57,080 --> 00:43:58,411
What?
701
00:43:58,640 --> 00:43:59,721
Man!
702
00:44:09,360 --> 00:44:11,966
Man, you guys are so good.
703
00:44:12,360 --> 00:44:13,600
So, you really dug our sound?
704
00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:18,242
I do think you guys have potential.
705
00:44:18,440 --> 00:44:20,761
Well, cool, 'cause we're just
barely scratchin' by.
706
00:44:21,080 --> 00:44:22,020
Not makin' a dime.
707
00:44:22,120 --> 00:44:24,282
Well, I think that's all gonna change.
708
00:44:25,000 --> 00:44:28,846
But I have one criticism,
and do not take this the wrong way.
709
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:33,888
I'm just saying, maybe tinker with the name
of the band, you know?
710
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:35,201
You don't like "The Wildcats"?
711
00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:38,608
No, yeah, no, I don't.
712
00:44:38,760 --> 00:44:43,641
Actually, because "Wildcats" is too, like,
generic and boring, like any animal.
713
00:44:44,240 --> 00:44:45,651
It's like "meerkat," you know?
714
00:44:46,280 --> 00:44:47,725
You know Meerkat Manor? You don't, no.
715
00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:50,885
But it needs to be
more distinct, I feel.
716
00:44:51,440 --> 00:44:52,380
- Distinct?
- Yeah.
717
00:44:52,480 --> 00:44:55,180
I mean, this is rock and roll.
A name means everything, man.
718
00:44:55,280 --> 00:44:56,805
All the cool bands have cool names.
719
00:44:57,200 --> 00:44:59,168
You wanna kick ass,
you want it to stand out.
720
00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:03,844
Wildcats, I just don't think it does it, man.
Do you got any other ideas?
721
00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:07,922
Yeah, I got one. What about "Wham!"?
722
00:45:08,240 --> 00:45:09,685
"Wham!"? What?
723
00:45:09,960 --> 00:45:11,450
It sounds kickass, right?
724
00:45:11,680 --> 00:45:12,806
It's like, Wham!
725
00:45:13,360 --> 00:45:15,727
It says, if you mess with us,
we'll beat you down!
726
00:45:16,280 --> 00:45:17,441
We'll blow you away!
727
00:45:17,760 --> 00:45:21,128
We don't care where, in a dark alley
or in a public toilet.
728
00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:26,808
I feel like "Wham!" is just, gut instinct,
not the way to go.
729
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:28,166
What about "Frankie Goes To Hollywood"?
730
00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:29,361
Absolutely not.
731
00:45:29,520 --> 00:45:30,931
- What about "Cher"?
- "Cher"?
732
00:45:31,040 --> 00:45:32,380
What about "Air Supply"?
733
00:45:32,480 --> 00:45:34,164
Oh, my God, be real!
734
00:45:34,400 --> 00:45:35,765
- What about "Kajagoogoo"?
- What?
735
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:37,001
"New Kids On The Block"?
736
00:45:37,160 --> 00:45:38,321
What, we're getting colder!
737
00:45:38,560 --> 00:45:40,289
Okay, you said
we're gonna be big, right?
738
00:45:40,640 --> 00:45:43,020
Going straight to the top.
All right, then "One Direction"!
739
00:45:43,120 --> 00:45:44,260
What is crappenin'?
740
00:45:44,360 --> 00:45:46,980
Nah, I'd do "Pet Shop Boys," though.
741
00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:50,060
What about "Spice Boys"?
That's pretty good. Yeah.
742
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:52,845
Come on, man, we need
some contenders here, what is this crap?
743
00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:55,567
I got one. Now get ready for this, okay?
744
00:45:56,280 --> 00:45:57,327
It's a little outta left field.
745
00:45:57,840 --> 00:45:59,251
But be open-minded.
746
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:01,401
Lynyrd Skynyrd.
747
00:46:01,680 --> 00:46:03,011
No.
748
00:46:03,880 --> 00:46:04,881
- Not that guy.
- That's like our gym coach's name.
749
00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:06,660
We don't even like that guy.
750
00:46:06,760 --> 00:46:09,001
I know legend has it
it's your gym coach.
751
00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:10,201
What legend?
752
00:46:11,360 --> 00:46:12,361
That's a long story.
753
00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:16,769
But seriously, guys, I know he's your coach,
but you change it a little bit.
754
00:46:17,080 --> 00:46:22,220
You add a "D," you add a random "Y,"
another renegade "Y" over here,
755
00:46:22,320 --> 00:46:25,483
and then it's Lynyrd Skynyrd and
presto-change-o, people remember that!
756
00:46:26,080 --> 00:46:28,780
- No, that guy gave me lice...
- I dunno about Lynyrd Skynyrd, man.
757
00:46:28,880 --> 00:46:31,940
You remember that time he chased the other
coach around in his underwear in the gym?
758
00:46:32,040 --> 00:46:33,883
- The guy's just whacked out.
- But you're...
759
00:46:42,680 --> 00:46:44,444
Oh, my God, that's so good.
760
00:46:45,600 --> 00:46:46,601
Man.
761
00:46:47,720 --> 00:46:53,568
Trust me, you guys are gonna be big,
that song is so perfect, I'm telling you,
762
00:46:53,680 --> 00:46:58,004
that's like an anthem, like a Southern
toe-tapper to say the least, man.
763
00:46:58,560 --> 00:47:01,723
On the huge-ometer,
it's gonna break the needle.
764
00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:04,806
- Like a big wedding song?
- More like divorce.
765
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:07,531
Really? Where does it go, man?
It's too slow.
766
00:47:07,760 --> 00:47:09,171
Too slow, listen to this guy!
767
00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:11,690
Oh, my God, it's gonna be nine minutes!
768
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:12,980
Nine-minute tune?
769
00:47:13,080 --> 00:47:16,243
Yeah, I know, I mean, it could be.
It could be 9:08.
770
00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:17,801
Nine minutes, eight seconds, yeah.
771
00:47:18,400 --> 00:47:20,004
When you've got it that good,
don't rush it.
772
00:47:20,320 --> 00:47:23,529
What I would do, I would talk
at the beginning, sing sing,
773
00:47:24,000 --> 00:47:26,606
if it's about a bird, you know,
lettin' it go free.
774
00:47:26,920 --> 00:47:29,605
And then maybe just kill some time
in the middle with an instrumental.
775
00:47:29,800 --> 00:47:32,246
Like, anything. I would probably go...
776
00:47:42,480 --> 00:47:43,970
Yeah. Yeah.
777
00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:46,320
Man! You got it!
778
00:47:46,600 --> 00:47:49,540
I kid you not, like I said,
you're gonna be rich and famous,
779
00:47:49,640 --> 00:47:51,608
trust the shit outta me on this one!
780
00:47:51,800 --> 00:47:57,020
Yeah? Big rock stars with a truck full of
money and girls and jammin' into the night,
781
00:47:57,120 --> 00:47:59,487
- livin' the great life?
- You know it, man! Exactly!
782
00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:02,280
Everyone's gonna look up to you,
you're gonna have tons of fans,
783
00:48:02,600 --> 00:48:05,251
your kids are gonna be proud of you,
your family's gonna have so much money.
784
00:48:05,600 --> 00:48:06,540
You could buy anything you want.
785
00:48:06,640 --> 00:48:08,529
- We could buy our own airplane.
- Yeah!
786
00:48:14,320 --> 00:48:15,321
What's the matter?
787
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:24,445
You guys, it was nice
to meet you, but...
788
00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:30,726
You're gonna be great, man. I gotta go.
789
00:48:41,760 --> 00:48:44,047
I was eight years old when I heard
about that plane crash.
790
00:48:46,160 --> 00:48:49,369
Just goes to show, you never really
know what's going on in people's lives.
791
00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:52,490
You know, everything could look great,
and you could wish you were them,
792
00:48:53,800 --> 00:48:57,168
- but then...
- Sounds like a lesson in there.
793
00:48:59,360 --> 00:49:00,805
Yeah, I know there's a lesson,
794
00:49:01,000 --> 00:49:04,209
and I know I was supposed to walk into that
club and meet Skynyrd that night,
795
00:49:04,720 --> 00:49:06,006
but I ain't real smart,
796
00:49:06,200 --> 00:49:08,521
and my head always feels
all jingly jangly,
797
00:49:08,720 --> 00:49:12,167
which is a Southern term meaning,
gangly wangly.
798
00:49:12,360 --> 00:49:16,180
There's always noise in it, like, if people
are dropping change in there
799
00:49:16,280 --> 00:49:18,089
and not picking up the pennies.
800
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:20,363
It makes me crazy, man.
801
00:49:20,880 --> 00:49:23,140
But then when I think
I'm startin' to figure stuff out,
802
00:49:23,240 --> 00:49:24,890
along come these assholes.
803
00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:29,250
Let's get us that Joe Dirt!
804
00:49:31,520 --> 00:49:33,170
Get back here with those boots!
805
00:49:34,880 --> 00:49:36,325
You little bitch.
806
00:49:37,320 --> 00:49:38,731
Don't you get on that train!
807
00:49:39,000 --> 00:49:40,843
Don't you get on that train!
808
00:49:45,040 --> 00:49:46,804
Take that, Foggle! What a burn!
809
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:52,321
Made it.
810
00:49:54,080 --> 00:49:56,811
And so there I was,
just clickety-clackin' through the night.
811
00:49:58,640 --> 00:50:03,521
I got to thinking, how does this Foggle dude
and all of them always know where I am?
812
00:50:04,000 --> 00:50:06,207
It's almost like they're livin'
inside my head, you know?
813
00:50:06,680 --> 00:50:09,047
I mean, there's definitely
a lot of empty space in there.
814
00:50:09,240 --> 00:50:12,940
But where would they put their motorcycles,
where would they go to the bathroom?
815
00:50:13,040 --> 00:50:14,041
Whatever.
816
00:50:14,920 --> 00:50:16,126
I'm sick of being alone.
817
00:50:17,680 --> 00:50:19,569
I wish Brandy was here right now.
818
00:50:22,120 --> 00:50:23,645
I can pretend she's here.
819
00:50:25,320 --> 00:50:26,685
I got a few minutes.
820
00:50:29,680 --> 00:50:32,650
Okay. In the bedroom.
821
00:50:33,840 --> 00:50:37,049
I come up behind. Tickle her back.
822
00:50:37,960 --> 00:50:42,124
Pull that scrunchie out.
Yeah, get the hair down.
823
00:50:44,280 --> 00:50:46,282
Pick up the pace, pick up the pace.
824
00:50:47,800 --> 00:50:48,801
Sorry, buddy.
825
00:50:49,800 --> 00:50:50,801
Had to light my cigar.
826
00:50:51,640 --> 00:50:54,020
Show was just starting. Keep goin'.
827
00:50:54,120 --> 00:50:55,281
Nah, you didn't see nothing.
828
00:50:55,440 --> 00:50:56,521
Yeah, we did.
829
00:50:56,640 --> 00:50:58,940
You over there lookin'
like a paint shaker goin' at it.
830
00:50:59,040 --> 00:51:00,201
Can we get in on that action?
831
00:51:00,480 --> 00:51:03,660
Yeah, maybe we can figure out some kinda
naked pyramid or something.
832
00:51:03,760 --> 00:51:06,220
- I like that idea.
- Come on, little doggy.
833
00:51:06,320 --> 00:51:09,085
I ain't no party boy.
834
00:51:12,600 --> 00:51:15,001
Just a dream. Thank God.
835
00:51:16,000 --> 00:51:17,081
Again?
836
00:51:17,760 --> 00:51:20,843
But this time, not just them.
837
00:51:21,480 --> 00:51:22,527
You get us, too.
838
00:51:22,880 --> 00:51:23,900
Okay.
839
00:51:24,000 --> 00:51:25,161
You like sausages, Joe?
840
00:51:25,400 --> 00:51:28,620
I like sausage, I usually get bacon,
but I mix it up.
841
00:51:28,720 --> 00:51:30,324
I like to have fun
at breakfast, you know?
842
00:51:30,560 --> 00:51:32,688
Maybe you should take
a little nibble off mine.
843
00:51:34,320 --> 00:51:35,845
No, that's not supposed to be there.
844
00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:36,961
Don't walk here!
845
00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:38,366
You guys on Viagra?
846
00:51:38,800 --> 00:51:39,801
No!
847
00:51:42,560 --> 00:51:43,561
It's me, Joe.
848
00:51:43,840 --> 00:51:46,923
Kicking Wing? Holy crap on a crutch!
849
00:51:47,480 --> 00:51:50,165
- What's up?
- I missed you.
850
00:51:50,840 --> 00:51:53,286
But they don't call me
Kicking Wing anymore,
851
00:51:53,640 --> 00:51:54,766
I'm Kicking Ass.
852
00:51:55,320 --> 00:51:58,020
- I took your advice.
- Man! That's a good one.
853
00:51:58,120 --> 00:51:59,724
That's cool, I got tons
of good ideas, man.
854
00:52:00,040 --> 00:52:02,168
So, where have you been,
how's the fireworks game?
855
00:52:03,240 --> 00:52:07,086
I'm not in the fireworks game, Joe.
Growth potential wasn't enough.
856
00:52:08,120 --> 00:52:09,121
I'm a drug dealer now.
857
00:52:09,520 --> 00:52:11,443
What! You don't do drugs.
858
00:52:11,720 --> 00:52:13,290
I don't get high on my supply.
859
00:52:13,640 --> 00:52:14,721
That's catchy.
860
00:52:15,040 --> 00:52:16,246
Baby, who's this clown?
861
00:52:16,920 --> 00:52:19,287
This is the legendary Joe Dirt!
862
00:52:19,880 --> 00:52:20,881
Good friend!
863
00:52:21,200 --> 00:52:22,884
So, you sell heroin
and all that kinda crap?
864
00:52:23,240 --> 00:52:25,561
No. Just aspirin and weed.
865
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:28,406
What! I can get aspirin from a baby!
866
00:52:28,800 --> 00:52:31,087
I can get weed
in a vending machine in Denver!
867
00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:33,408
'Cause you know what, no one
gives a care about weed any more.
868
00:52:33,560 --> 00:52:34,561
Understand, rubber band?
869
00:52:35,080 --> 00:52:38,402
Well, aspirin and weed
is the ones I like.
870
00:52:38,560 --> 00:52:43,202
Well, that's your problem.
You're not sellin' to the mirror, my man!
871
00:52:43,680 --> 00:52:46,780
You're forgetting
about the consumer! Again.
872
00:52:46,880 --> 00:52:48,245
I'm a really good drug dealer.
873
00:52:48,400 --> 00:52:53,860
Kim Possible, you're gonna stand there,
calling yourself "a really good drug dealer,"
874
00:52:53,960 --> 00:52:55,580
and you ain't got no crystal meth?
875
00:52:55,680 --> 00:52:56,660
No black tar?
876
00:52:56,760 --> 00:52:58,410
These are the basics!
877
00:52:58,760 --> 00:53:03,891
No Xanny bars? White crosses? Special K?
Moon rocks? No zip-its, pop-its, whippits?
878
00:53:04,280 --> 00:53:09,500
Black beauties or cocaine? Also known as yayo,
power flour, talk chalk, devil's dandruff
879
00:53:09,600 --> 00:53:10,886
or sniffy jiffy?
880
00:53:11,520 --> 00:53:13,363
- No.
- No shanaynay?
881
00:53:13,600 --> 00:53:14,601
No vajayjay?
882
00:53:14,840 --> 00:53:17,446
No. Just aspirins and weed.
883
00:53:17,640 --> 00:53:21,201
So, you're supposed to be taken seriously in
your chosen new profession?
884
00:53:21,400 --> 00:53:24,927
And you don't move no purple microdot?
No gold paint to huff?
885
00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:26,300
No angel dust?
886
00:53:26,400 --> 00:53:29,060
PCP? Molly? Charlie? Charlie Car? Crank?
887
00:53:29,160 --> 00:53:31,900
Ice? Crack? Boom? Pow?
Shnizzle? Zoomers?
888
00:53:32,000 --> 00:53:33,126
Boomers? Husker Dus?
889
00:53:34,120 --> 00:53:35,884
Wait, I think that's
a firecracker, isn't it?
890
00:53:36,280 --> 00:53:37,281
No, it's both.
891
00:53:37,440 --> 00:53:42,571
No yellow jackets, morning wood, or one
single bottle of codeine cough syrup?
892
00:53:43,120 --> 00:53:44,804
With or without the Jolly Rancher.
893
00:53:45,040 --> 00:53:46,610
You must get high all the time.
894
00:53:46,960 --> 00:53:47,961
You seem psycho.
895
00:53:48,560 --> 00:53:49,561
Wait, was this a dream?
896
00:53:49,800 --> 00:53:50,961
Yeah, this is gonna be a dream.
897
00:53:51,360 --> 00:53:53,647
Then I can say somethin' mean back.
All right, say it again.
898
00:53:54,040 --> 00:53:55,769
You must get high all the time.
You seem psycho.
899
00:53:56,280 --> 00:53:58,362
You must bone a lot of dudes.
You seem like a whore.
900
00:54:04,120 --> 00:54:06,361
- I do.
- Backfire!
901
00:54:07,000 --> 00:54:09,241
I'm so glad this is a dream
and you ain't a drug dealer!
902
00:54:09,600 --> 00:54:11,180
You're right, Joe, it is a dream.
903
00:54:11,280 --> 00:54:13,851
Come on, Kicking Ass, kick him
off the train, I wanna get high.
904
00:54:14,360 --> 00:54:17,860
Don't you understand, Joe? This whole
dream represents you trying to become
905
00:54:17,960 --> 00:54:19,610
something you shouldn't be.
906
00:54:21,960 --> 00:54:23,200
Think about that, Joe.
907
00:54:25,600 --> 00:54:28,570
Man, it was great to see Kicking Wing,
but not as a drug dealer.
908
00:54:29,320 --> 00:54:32,847
And that's when it hit me.
What he was trying to tell me!
909
00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:36,449
What he wanted me to figure out was...
Then I got sleepy.
910
00:54:38,440 --> 00:54:40,010
Yo! Molly Mulletson.
911
00:54:41,480 --> 00:54:43,881
It's me, the clumsy segue fairy.
912
00:54:44,680 --> 00:54:45,647
You're dreamin'.
913
00:54:45,760 --> 00:54:49,048
We're inside a dream
that's inside a daydream
914
00:54:49,520 --> 00:54:52,888
that's being influenced by
a vague sense of ennui.
915
00:54:53,040 --> 00:54:56,123
And this is Joe Dirt 2, and why have we
overwritten this?
916
00:54:56,280 --> 00:54:59,921
Now go back to sleep, you're gonna wake up
in the middle of nowhere.
917
00:55:00,200 --> 00:55:01,201
REM.
918
00:55:01,880 --> 00:55:05,327
Them dreams is trying to tell me somethin'.
Especially Kicking Wing!
919
00:55:05,680 --> 00:55:07,728
I don't even know what
Zander Kelly was doin' in there.
920
00:55:07,920 --> 00:55:10,685
And I have no idea what
"on we" means either.
921
00:55:11,240 --> 00:55:13,891
All in all, I was startin' to feel like
Alice in Wonderland.
922
00:55:14,120 --> 00:55:15,884
You know, if Alice was a cool dude
923
00:55:16,040 --> 00:55:19,647
and Wonderland was a place where
everyone benches a lot.
924
00:55:20,320 --> 00:55:21,321
You're cool, and...
925
00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:25,243
Yeah, that's a bad comparison, but
things was definitely getting weirder.
926
00:55:27,640 --> 00:55:29,449
Hey, guys, what's crappenin'?
927
00:55:30,080 --> 00:55:31,081
What's your name?
928
00:55:31,960 --> 00:55:36,602
Well, listen, it's a bit unusual
and I've heard all the jokes
929
00:55:36,880 --> 00:55:39,087
and I've heard them about my hair,
so you might as well skip it.
930
00:55:39,440 --> 00:55:40,441
It's Joe Dirt.
931
00:55:40,880 --> 00:55:43,900
Dirt? That's a pretty shitty name,
don't you think?
932
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:45,140
Yeah, I guess
we're not going to skip it.
933
00:55:45,240 --> 00:55:49,450
Yeah, listen, it could've been Connor or
Willow or Aiden or Jaden
934
00:55:49,560 --> 00:55:51,085
or maybe Colby or Tristan...
935
00:55:51,440 --> 00:55:52,441
How's your health?
936
00:55:53,040 --> 00:55:54,769
That's a bit personal.
937
00:55:55,320 --> 00:55:58,802
My health is good, I feel like it might get
worse in a few minutes...
938
00:55:59,360 --> 00:56:00,361
You ain't a smoker, huh?
939
00:56:01,240 --> 00:56:03,129
No, but I do dip Skoal.
940
00:56:03,280 --> 00:56:04,964
Just a pinch between my cheek and gum.
941
00:56:05,240 --> 00:56:07,561
I've tried Cope, you know, between us.
942
00:56:08,080 --> 00:56:10,526
But it's a little strong. I get dizzy.
943
00:56:10,800 --> 00:56:13,406
I like to call it the poor man's
amusement ride.
944
00:56:13,920 --> 00:56:15,365
You're about to go on a big ride.
945
00:56:37,520 --> 00:56:39,443
Bright light!
946
00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:46,044
Sore to the touch!
947
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:50,324
Somebody's getting
a bad stitchin' award.
948
00:56:50,880 --> 00:56:51,881
What did they do?
949
00:56:56,040 --> 00:56:59,044
Seashell? I'm at the beach!
950
00:57:01,240 --> 00:57:02,810
Sandcastle time!
951
00:57:04,280 --> 00:57:07,523
- So they harvested me.
- What?
952
00:57:08,360 --> 00:57:09,361
Yeah.
953
00:57:09,640 --> 00:57:13,201
- Harvested you?
- Yeah, they dug deep. They got my kidney,
954
00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:16,002
they got my gallbladder,
they got some liver parts.
955
00:57:16,120 --> 00:57:18,202
I guess they were making some cat food or
something, I dunno.
956
00:57:18,480 --> 00:57:21,370
I thought that was just,
like, an urban legend.
957
00:57:21,680 --> 00:57:23,170
- How creepy.
- Yeah. Yeah.
958
00:57:23,280 --> 00:57:25,123
You know, maybe I started that.
959
00:57:25,760 --> 00:57:29,924
After the surgery, they left all kinds
of crap inside me, like, you know.
960
00:57:30,160 --> 00:57:31,969
- On accident, I'm guessin'.
- What?
961
00:57:32,360 --> 00:57:37,764
They left scissors inside me,
they left a hamburger wrapper,
962
00:57:38,680 --> 00:57:42,140
39 cents in change, and some of those
plastic pluggy things
963
00:57:42,240 --> 00:57:44,242
that you stick in a corn cob
to hold it better?
964
00:57:44,840 --> 00:57:48,003
Also one of them cans that says moo
when you turn it upside down?
965
00:57:48,560 --> 00:57:50,324
- No.
- You say, no?
966
00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:51,881
Hang on.
967
00:57:53,680 --> 00:57:54,681
There we go.
968
00:57:58,040 --> 00:57:59,041
It's nice to see you laughin'.
969
00:57:59,320 --> 00:58:02,927
My little girls would laugh so hard at that.
They'd think it's so funny.
970
00:58:04,680 --> 00:58:05,681
I wish I could hear that.
971
00:58:06,240 --> 00:58:09,722
- So, where was this beach?
- Actually, it was a desert island.
972
00:58:10,240 --> 00:58:11,730
I was there a long time.
973
00:58:12,520 --> 00:58:16,047
About 12 years.
974
00:58:20,280 --> 00:58:23,660
"Dear Whoever Finds This
Message in a Bottle, I'm trapped
975
00:58:23,760 --> 00:58:27,242
"on a desert island, and I'm losing
hope of ever being found, man.
976
00:58:28,160 --> 00:58:33,060
"I probably just wasted time writing the
word 'man,' it wasn't a necessary word
977
00:58:33,160 --> 00:58:35,367
"and I don't have much ink,
so that's dumb.
978
00:58:43,800 --> 00:58:45,325
"I'm using my own blood.
979
00:58:45,840 --> 00:58:48,810
"I'm crossing off 'man.
' Sorry for the mess.
980
00:58:48,920 --> 00:58:51,764
"As I gaze out to sea at
the rocks that look like
981
00:58:51,880 --> 00:58:54,220
"a giant church steeple,
it makes me think of
982
00:58:54,320 --> 00:58:56,641
"the day I married the love
of my life, Brandy.
983
00:58:57,840 --> 00:59:02,687
"I miss her. I miss my girls.
I'm lonely out my ass.
984
00:59:03,120 --> 00:59:05,820
"I hope somebody gets this and replies.
985
00:59:05,920 --> 00:59:09,811
"PS, No smokers. I'm just kidding.
986
00:59:10,120 --> 00:59:13,647
"Signed, Joe Dirtay.
987
00:59:19,840 --> 00:59:24,482
"PPS, AKA Joe Dirt. I ain't foolin' nobody
with the Dirtay thing. I'll give up on it."
988
01:00:39,920 --> 01:00:41,763
Tastes like jellyfish.
989
01:00:44,520 --> 01:00:46,620
Oh, yeah. You like that, Wilson?
990
01:00:46,720 --> 01:00:49,405
You're not getting away!
Yeah, take that!
991
01:00:49,600 --> 01:00:52,740
Okay, this one goes out to all
the angel fish out there.
992
01:00:52,840 --> 01:00:55,411
You know who you are.
Let them in the front. Come on now.
993
01:01:03,040 --> 01:01:04,300
You like that, shell?
994
01:01:04,400 --> 01:01:07,165
Hey, which way out? I need an exit sign.
995
01:01:07,880 --> 01:01:08,881
There you are.
996
01:01:09,800 --> 01:01:12,406
Sorry for the delay, folks.
I took a crap.
997
01:01:14,240 --> 01:01:17,562
I buried it. I put some sand on it.
It's not totally gone, but...
998
01:01:18,880 --> 01:01:20,803
Nobody go looking for it.
I didn't think you would.
999
01:01:41,960 --> 01:01:43,610
I hope this is mine.
1000
01:01:49,400 --> 01:01:53,020
"Dear Joe Dirt,
you sound so lonely and lost.
1001
01:01:53,120 --> 01:01:56,140
"And as I gaze out of my
Marriott Hotel window,
1002
01:01:56,240 --> 01:01:59,820
"I can see the same church-steeple rocks
you mention in your letter.
1003
01:01:59,920 --> 01:02:02,380
"Anyway, what hotel are you staying in?
1004
01:02:02,480 --> 01:02:05,324
"I'm in room 347.
Write me back or call."
1005
01:02:05,880 --> 01:02:07,291
Marriott?
1006
01:02:08,600 --> 01:02:10,170
What the fuck!
1007
01:02:26,160 --> 01:02:31,451
Twelve years I missed going to effing,
freaking, fucking Taco Bell?
1008
01:02:32,720 --> 01:02:34,529
Hey, mister.
1009
01:02:35,000 --> 01:02:36,220
Are you Bigfoot?
1010
01:02:36,320 --> 01:02:38,971
What? No, man. No, I'm not Bigfoot.
1011
01:02:39,320 --> 01:02:40,367
I'm tired-foot.
1012
01:02:40,720 --> 01:02:44,611
Hey, Bigfoot, why did you climb all those
rocks over there instead of using this trail?
1013
01:02:45,840 --> 01:02:48,580
- What year is it?
- It's 1977, Bigfoot.
1014
01:02:48,680 --> 01:02:50,921
Man, what city am I in?
1015
01:02:51,200 --> 01:02:52,247
It's Miami, Bigfoot.
1016
01:02:52,680 --> 01:02:53,681
Man.
1017
01:02:54,200 --> 01:02:56,300
I need to go down just to wipe.
1018
01:02:56,400 --> 01:02:59,802
It's rough down there. I've been wiping
with seaweed and clamshells for 12 years.
1019
01:02:59,920 --> 01:03:01,331
Gross, Bigfoot.
1020
01:03:01,520 --> 01:03:03,727
- Bye, Bigfoot.
- You gotta get going? Okay.
1021
01:03:03,840 --> 01:03:05,604
Yeah, see ya later, Bigfoot.
1022
01:03:05,760 --> 01:03:07,649
Okay. I'll catch ya later.
1023
01:03:07,800 --> 01:03:09,780
Maybe I'll write it in a bottle
and throw it to ya.
1024
01:03:09,880 --> 01:03:11,848
I'm kidding. Wait, is this the way down?
1025
01:03:18,800 --> 01:03:21,980
Twenty-seven cents
for all-new JD threads.
1026
01:03:22,080 --> 01:03:25,289
Now I just gotta get the bugs
out of my hair.
1027
01:03:32,400 --> 01:03:35,085
Skynyrd, man. Those poor guys.
1028
01:03:35,560 --> 01:03:39,100
I'm complaining about my stupid problems,
and these guys...
1029
01:03:39,200 --> 01:03:42,409
Screw them, man! I was on an island for
10 years. I'm in Florida!
1030
01:03:42,720 --> 01:03:46,247
What a dumb crap! I just get stupider!
1031
01:03:47,840 --> 01:03:50,764
Wait a second. Is that dude, Clem?
1032
01:03:51,040 --> 01:03:52,326
Wait, that's Clem!
1033
01:03:52,720 --> 01:03:53,721
Hey, Clem!
1034
01:03:54,920 --> 01:03:55,921
I'm sorry, excuse me.
1035
01:03:58,320 --> 01:03:59,606
Hey, hey, Clem.
1036
01:04:00,760 --> 01:04:02,220
Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank.
1037
01:04:02,320 --> 01:04:03,367
Clem, hey.
1038
01:04:03,920 --> 01:04:08,164
Mr. Bennedetti, I'm sorry. My name's Joe Dirt,
I'm from the future. I know it sounds crazy.
1039
01:04:08,960 --> 01:04:10,485
I heard about the future.
1040
01:04:10,800 --> 01:04:15,010
Everybody's got a big head, right?
Enlarged. Eat pills to live.
1041
01:04:15,840 --> 01:04:17,126
You fly around with a jetpack.
1042
01:04:18,480 --> 01:04:22,565
Not quite yet.
I mean, we have a Bedazzler.
1043
01:04:23,120 --> 01:04:26,806
Jetpacks are not at the Walmart
just as of now.
1044
01:04:27,120 --> 01:04:28,645
But we have the Cronut.
1045
01:04:28,840 --> 01:04:33,323
It's really doing well. I ate 30 once. I was
drunk. It was like 28, but I brag and say 30.
1046
01:04:33,800 --> 01:04:37,600
But here's the real thing, in the future, I just
want to tell you, it sounds crazy, I know,
1047
01:04:37,720 --> 01:04:38,721
but we're friends.
1048
01:04:38,960 --> 01:04:40,220
You're like a dad to me.
1049
01:04:40,320 --> 01:04:44,291
I mean, we hang out and you live
in Silvertown. You save me from bullies.
1050
01:04:44,720 --> 01:04:47,929
Vinny, whack this kid.
He's talking nonsense.
1051
01:04:48,200 --> 01:04:52,762
Then dump his body in a trunk, then dump
his crazy hair in a different trunk.
1052
01:04:53,200 --> 01:04:55,441
- You got it, Uncle Frank.
- No, no, Mr. Vinny, wait one sec...
1053
01:04:55,760 --> 01:04:57,489
I'm telling you I'm from the future.
I'll prove it.
1054
01:04:57,920 --> 01:04:58,921
There's a TV.
1055
01:04:59,320 --> 01:05:00,540
What's that, NASCAR?
1056
01:05:00,640 --> 01:05:01,641
I know NASCAR.
1057
01:05:01,960 --> 01:05:06,010
That's Daytona 500, I bet.
I can tell you who wins. Is that good?
1058
01:05:06,760 --> 01:05:09,809
If this was true,
you would become very important.
1059
01:05:10,200 --> 01:05:13,044
You've got five seconds.
I start counting on three.
1060
01:05:13,200 --> 01:05:15,646
What? Wait, what happened
to one and two?
1061
01:05:15,760 --> 01:05:17,300
I had them whacked. Four.
1062
01:05:17,400 --> 01:05:19,129
Wait. God... Okay, hold on.
1063
01:05:20,000 --> 01:05:24,369
Daytona Speedway, 1977.
That's, oh, my God, Richard Petty, I think.
1064
01:05:24,480 --> 01:05:25,420
STP car.
1065
01:05:25,520 --> 01:05:29,620
Then you got Darrel Waltrip in Gatorade.
AJ Foyt is third.
1066
01:05:29,720 --> 01:05:32,963
- Then Donnie Allison, and who's fifth?
- Five.
1067
01:05:33,120 --> 01:05:36,488
Cale Yarborough! Go! Yeah! Yeah!
1068
01:05:36,640 --> 01:05:37,641
Yeah!
1069
01:05:39,840 --> 01:05:43,526
Guys, we just found a goose
that lays the golden eggs.
1070
01:05:44,040 --> 01:05:46,520
- I laid 'em.
- This goose's name is, what?
1071
01:05:46,680 --> 01:05:49,001
- I'm Joe Dirt!
- Joe Dirt.
1072
01:05:49,880 --> 01:05:50,881
Joe Dirt.
1073
01:05:51,680 --> 01:05:52,681
Okay.
1074
01:05:54,360 --> 01:05:55,361
It's all right.
1075
01:06:09,240 --> 01:06:11,049
This was all paying off.
1076
01:06:12,800 --> 01:06:14,564
We was getting richer.
1077
01:06:16,120 --> 01:06:17,724
I was getting richer.
1078
01:06:31,040 --> 01:06:34,010
- Look, I did a perfect cartwheel.
- Dad, I bet you can't do that.
1079
01:06:34,320 --> 01:06:37,085
- Daddy...
- But I was missing my family
1080
01:06:37,880 --> 01:06:39,882
Really missing them, something awful.
1081
01:06:40,040 --> 01:06:41,644
...a perfect cartwheel.
Dad, have you ever...
1082
01:06:41,760 --> 01:06:44,340
It sounds crazy,
but I recorded a bunch of actresses
1083
01:06:44,440 --> 01:06:47,500
doing a little jibber-jabber,
to remind me of home.
1084
01:06:47,600 --> 01:06:49,967
- I can do somersaults.
- Hey, Joe Dirt, watch my cartwheel.
1085
01:06:50,080 --> 01:06:53,163
Wait, no, not Joe Dirt.
Daddy, watch my cartwheel!
1086
01:06:53,480 --> 01:06:56,006
Dad, look, I can do a back handspring!
Can you do a flip, too?
1087
01:06:57,440 --> 01:06:58,441
So anyways, that's the whole story.
1088
01:06:59,280 --> 01:07:03,126
I know you believe me, 'cause all those races
I predicted and stuff came true.
1089
01:07:03,480 --> 01:07:06,768
Anyway, Clem. I know the future,
and I know something about you,
1090
01:07:06,880 --> 01:07:08,609
and I know something about your wife.
1091
01:07:09,240 --> 01:07:12,260
We must not know.
We're not supposed to know
1092
01:07:12,360 --> 01:07:14,567
the future that is laid out for us.
1093
01:07:14,880 --> 01:07:18,282
Because choices must remain
for us to make.
1094
01:07:18,720 --> 01:07:20,020
That's how it must be.
1095
01:07:20,120 --> 01:07:22,940
What, are you saying that if you could learn
what's gonna happen in the future,
1096
01:07:23,040 --> 01:07:24,201
you don't even want to know?
1097
01:07:24,640 --> 01:07:27,484
Each day must remain without horizon.
1098
01:07:28,480 --> 01:07:30,130
We save it for the now.
1099
01:07:30,800 --> 01:07:35,700
Okay, yeah. I know what you're saying.
That you never know how hot it is
1100
01:07:35,800 --> 01:07:37,860
until you lose your shade tree.
1101
01:07:37,960 --> 01:07:41,203
No. I speak with more elegance
than that.
1102
01:07:41,440 --> 01:07:46,162
I'm not talking trifles from a calendar
or a bumper sticker or a poster of that cat.
1103
01:07:46,280 --> 01:07:47,580
You've seen it. It's everywhere.
1104
01:07:47,680 --> 01:07:52,368
A cat hangs upside down from a tree.
Underneath the cat it says, "Hang in there."
1105
01:07:52,720 --> 01:07:54,260
- Right.
- This is nonsense.
1106
01:07:54,360 --> 01:07:57,780
The cat must not just hang there.
The cat must go fix its problems.
1107
01:07:57,880 --> 01:08:01,168
The cat must find the thing
that gives it trouble
1108
01:08:01,520 --> 01:08:04,285
and smack that thing
in the side of the head with a brick.
1109
01:08:05,120 --> 01:08:08,363
The cat must ask, "Does your mother sew?
1110
01:08:10,880 --> 01:08:12,450
"Get her to stitch that."
1111
01:08:12,840 --> 01:08:16,049
- You see what I'm saying?
- Yeah, cats are hard to train. I know.
1112
01:08:16,920 --> 01:08:21,084
But, Clem, I mean, Mr. Bennedetti...
1113
01:08:21,320 --> 01:08:24,540
You've convinced me that we are
friends in the future. Call me Clem.
1114
01:08:24,640 --> 01:08:25,846
Man.
1115
01:08:26,360 --> 01:08:30,020
I love it. Well, Clem, you just turned
my life around, man. You made me rich.
1116
01:08:30,120 --> 01:08:31,121
Me, too!
1117
01:08:33,600 --> 01:08:36,820
- Yeah.
- This is like a crazy accident, I saw you.
1118
01:08:36,920 --> 01:08:39,340
Because now I'm gonna be able to
buy my kids so much stuff.
1119
01:08:39,440 --> 01:08:41,090
I'm gonna be so important to them now.
1120
01:08:41,240 --> 01:08:45,245
Joe, I think, you've not learned all
the things you need to know from me,
1121
01:08:46,000 --> 01:08:49,100
but, for now, there's something more
important that bothers me.
1122
01:08:49,200 --> 01:08:50,201
Concerns me.
1123
01:08:50,760 --> 01:08:52,620
- This girl you talk about, this Brandy?
- Yeah.
1124
01:08:52,720 --> 01:08:54,688
Something nags me
in the back of my head.
1125
01:08:55,440 --> 01:08:58,011
What if you miss
1126
01:08:58,720 --> 01:08:59,801
the first time you meet her?
1127
01:09:00,720 --> 01:09:01,721
Everything's gonna be off.
1128
01:09:02,480 --> 01:09:04,403
The future's gonna be bat-shit crazy.
1129
01:09:07,000 --> 01:09:09,844
That's so true. That's so smart.
I didn't think of that.
1130
01:09:10,840 --> 01:09:13,571
Clem, I need to make it back to where
I first met Brandy.
1131
01:09:14,080 --> 01:09:15,366
To make everything happen.
1132
01:09:15,720 --> 01:09:18,929
That's when her dog's balls
got stuck on her porch.
1133
01:09:19,560 --> 01:09:24,009
He was licking his balls,
and it was 40 below zero outside.
1134
01:09:24,240 --> 01:09:25,765
- What do you expect?
- Yeah.
1135
01:09:26,080 --> 01:09:28,481
Joe, let's have one for the road.
1136
01:09:30,360 --> 01:09:34,081
I don't even know if I should have a drink
because I got my liver taken out.
1137
01:09:34,440 --> 01:09:37,489
- Who gives a shit? Okay.
- Yeah. Okay. Let's do it.
1138
01:09:37,640 --> 01:09:39,563
No kidney, no problem.
1139
01:09:39,920 --> 01:09:41,809
That's right. Let's do it.
1140
01:09:49,760 --> 01:09:50,761
Yeah.
1141
01:09:54,320 --> 01:09:55,765
Daddy, where are you?
1142
01:10:00,640 --> 01:10:01,641
Man.
1143
01:10:02,920 --> 01:10:03,921
You're awake.
1144
01:10:04,200 --> 01:10:06,740
- Not feeling good, I bet, huh?
- No.
1145
01:10:06,840 --> 01:10:10,890
I think I was drunk. 'Cause, you know,
I had some of my innards harvested.
1146
01:10:11,280 --> 01:10:14,284
Yeah. That would explain the empty spots
on the X-ray.
1147
01:10:14,560 --> 01:10:16,260
But drunk is an understatement.
1148
01:10:16,360 --> 01:10:19,443
They found you running naked with
a Roman candle sticking out of your ass.
1149
01:10:19,960 --> 01:10:21,460
You tried to eat a bunch of pigeons,
1150
01:10:21,560 --> 01:10:23,927
then you climbed onstage at
a Donnie Osmond concert,
1151
01:10:24,040 --> 01:10:26,520
screaming, "What did y'all
do with Van Halen?"
1152
01:10:26,640 --> 01:10:31,487
And then this huge guy punched you
incredibly hard directly in your testicles.
1153
01:10:32,840 --> 01:10:33,841
Check this out.
1154
01:10:34,920 --> 01:10:35,967
You're gonna love this.
1155
01:10:39,040 --> 01:10:40,041
That's me!
1156
01:10:40,160 --> 01:10:44,131
Your balls are basically like, "Hey, man,
let's go see what his throat is talking about!"
1157
01:10:45,160 --> 01:10:47,660
There was a tour bus that was driving by.
There was a bunch of Japanese,
1158
01:10:47,760 --> 01:10:50,366
and you know how those people
are with their cameras.
1159
01:10:51,360 --> 01:10:52,580
My wife is Asian!
1160
01:10:52,680 --> 01:10:55,889
What's up with the jokes? Like, what are you,
like some grand wizard or something?
1161
01:10:56,360 --> 01:10:58,806
- No, man, I didn't say nothing.
- You nodded.
1162
01:10:59,000 --> 01:11:01,060
You nodded like a motherfucker.
1163
01:11:01,160 --> 01:11:06,803
Anyway, the punch was so masterful
that your testicles are up way inside you
1164
01:11:07,000 --> 01:11:09,844
and they would have gone a lot higher
had they not bounced off your heart.
1165
01:11:10,080 --> 01:11:12,620
Wait, my ball sack's where?
1166
01:11:12,720 --> 01:11:13,960
Your balls are in your stomach
1167
01:11:14,080 --> 01:11:17,402
and your sacks are literally
being digested as we speak.
1168
01:11:18,120 --> 01:11:21,980
And that's not fantastic, so what we're gonna
have to do is yank them out.
1169
01:11:22,080 --> 01:11:25,163
- You mean, gently extract?
- Yes.
1170
01:11:25,520 --> 01:11:27,363
By extract we mean yank.
1171
01:11:27,520 --> 01:11:32,820
And so, we have these things that look like
salad tongs. Actually they are salad tongs
1172
01:11:32,920 --> 01:11:34,570
from the Sizzler salad bar.
1173
01:11:34,800 --> 01:11:37,690
You know, there's always some good pussy
at Sizzler.
1174
01:11:38,120 --> 01:11:42,250
Sizzler, yeah. I'm usually buried in
cornbread. I don't look up.
1175
01:11:42,360 --> 01:11:46,604
I usually say this may hurt a bit,
but this is definitely gonna hurt.
1176
01:11:46,880 --> 01:11:49,486
All right, are you ready? Let's breathe.
1177
01:11:49,840 --> 01:11:50,841
Whoa, is there a parakeet!
1178
01:11:51,440 --> 01:11:52,441
In here?
1179
01:11:55,240 --> 01:11:58,403
Damn, man, why are you yelling?
Why did you yell in my ear?
1180
01:11:58,720 --> 01:12:00,643
Well it hurt, like a mofo!
1181
01:12:00,920 --> 01:12:02,380
Yeah, but what about my ear?
1182
01:12:02,480 --> 01:12:05,324
You could've turned your face that way.
You could've screamed at that wall.
1183
01:12:05,480 --> 01:12:08,086
But you wanted to yell in my... Whoa!
1184
01:12:08,360 --> 01:12:09,361
- Whoa, what?
- Whoa.
1185
01:12:09,720 --> 01:12:10,721
Whoa, good news?
1186
01:12:11,800 --> 01:12:15,646
You can say that I definitely
extracted your balls.
1187
01:12:16,240 --> 01:12:18,811
A lot of credit goes to
the workout regimen I've been on.
1188
01:12:20,160 --> 01:12:22,380
They're hanging a little low, man.
1189
01:12:22,480 --> 01:12:23,925
They do hang, but how low?
1190
01:12:24,120 --> 01:12:25,121
Remember Clackers?
1191
01:12:25,920 --> 01:12:28,580
Clackers, that's my balls.
That's too far.
1192
01:12:28,680 --> 01:12:30,820
Don't worry, balls have a great
healing mechanism.
1193
01:12:30,920 --> 01:12:31,921
You'll be back May, June.
1194
01:12:32,480 --> 01:12:36,804
Wait, May or June? I've got to go
to Silvertown by tomorrow!
1195
01:12:37,080 --> 01:12:39,540
You shouldn't do that.
You shouldn't travel.
1196
01:12:39,640 --> 01:12:42,530
See, your balls look like tube socks
with lemons in them.
1197
01:12:42,920 --> 01:12:46,242
And that's usually the side effect from
the yankotomy I performed.
1198
01:12:46,600 --> 01:12:49,843
But if I don't go to Silvertown,
I don't meet Brandy,
1199
01:12:50,040 --> 01:12:53,089
and my whole future is thrown off.
Do you understand? I gotta go!
1200
01:12:53,680 --> 01:12:54,681
Okay.
1201
01:13:09,520 --> 01:13:11,020
Good evening, folks,
1202
01:13:11,120 --> 01:13:15,220
we'll be starting our descent into Spokane,
Washington, in a few minutes.
1203
01:13:15,320 --> 01:13:20,645
So, if anyone needs to use the restroom,
please do so now.
1204
01:13:21,440 --> 01:13:24,410
Good idea.
I'm gonna take a pee real quick.
1205
01:13:27,960 --> 01:13:29,325
Turbulence, everybody.
1206
01:13:29,920 --> 01:13:31,410
Give me a second.
1207
01:13:34,280 --> 01:13:35,281
Are those your balls?
1208
01:13:35,760 --> 01:13:38,047
Yeah. Is that an apple?
1209
01:13:41,200 --> 01:13:42,201
Turbulentay.
1210
01:13:50,160 --> 01:13:54,324
Dang, too much turb.
Gotta sit down and pee like a little girl.
1211
01:13:57,680 --> 01:13:58,806
My nuts!
1212
01:13:59,680 --> 01:14:00,966
My balls!
1213
01:14:03,360 --> 01:14:06,091
- Sir, are you okay in there?
- No, look!
1214
01:14:06,360 --> 01:14:09,364
- My nuts got sucked in, look!
- Oh, my God!
1215
01:14:09,520 --> 01:14:14,242
- What'd you do that for? That's so stupid.
- I'm not on trial here. I did an accident.
1216
01:14:14,720 --> 01:14:15,721
What's going on?
1217
01:14:16,000 --> 01:14:17,889
- Oh, good, sweet, Lord God.
- I need help.
1218
01:14:18,040 --> 01:14:20,300
This man has gotten his ball sack stuck
down the toilet.
1219
01:14:20,400 --> 01:14:22,740
I just got sucked. It's an accident.
I pushed the thing.
1220
01:14:22,840 --> 01:14:26,890
- I'm sorry. I quit. I hate balls to start off with.
- No, no, no.
1221
01:14:27,040 --> 01:14:28,326
- No, I'm...
- Don't quit, I need help!
1222
01:14:28,440 --> 01:14:30,100
You are helping me out with this.
I don't know what to do.
1223
01:14:30,200 --> 01:14:32,020
They didn't deal with this in
stewardess school.
1224
01:14:32,120 --> 01:14:34,168
Sir, you've got to lift them up
when I flush. Okay?
1225
01:14:34,280 --> 01:14:35,327
That doesn't sound like it's gonna work.
1226
01:14:35,440 --> 01:14:36,441
- One, two, three.
- No, no, no!
1227
01:14:38,880 --> 01:14:40,540
It didn't work! It didn't work.
1228
01:14:40,640 --> 01:14:43,060
Well, we're gonna try it again. I'm gonna
try it again. One, two, three.
1229
01:14:43,160 --> 01:14:44,161
No, no, no!
1230
01:14:44,560 --> 01:14:45,561
You bitch!
1231
01:14:46,080 --> 01:14:49,687
What're you doing? I'm sorry.
Don't do it! I never say the "B" word.
1232
01:14:50,040 --> 01:14:53,931
But it hurts too much. You can't do that.
We need to think of a new strategy.
1233
01:14:54,480 --> 01:14:56,881
- What is going on out here, ladies?
- Have a look.
1234
01:14:57,240 --> 01:15:01,529
- What is... What the... Whoa! Whoa!
- Yeah.
1235
01:15:04,720 --> 01:15:08,088
I'm gonna get you guys some help.
Let's clean that up.
1236
01:15:09,000 --> 01:15:11,820
You want me to clean this up first
or get the guy's balls out of the toilet?
1237
01:15:11,920 --> 01:15:14,900
- Watch your face, sir. It's coming in!
- Get out of here with your foot!
1238
01:15:15,000 --> 01:15:17,700
I'm gonna get you back to your seat,
you gotta get your nuts up out of that...
1239
01:15:17,800 --> 01:15:19,086
Don't kick me, Jackie Chan!
1240
01:15:26,800 --> 01:15:29,610
- I passed out for a minute.
- Right.
1241
01:15:29,840 --> 01:15:31,729
Not again, you bitch!
1242
01:15:36,520 --> 01:15:40,047
Do you really have to parade me
across the tarmac?
1243
01:15:40,280 --> 01:15:41,964
Is there not a shortcut?
1244
01:15:42,280 --> 01:15:44,169
I'm out here on display.
1245
01:15:44,880 --> 01:15:45,881
Hey, gals.
1246
01:15:46,960 --> 01:15:48,530
I'm usually in a Hemi.
1247
01:15:48,920 --> 01:15:51,810
Man. Is there a second gear on this?
1248
01:15:52,360 --> 01:15:53,885
You see what that is, right? You see it?
1249
01:15:54,120 --> 01:15:57,841
- This is crazy.
- His left nut is right in that one gear.
1250
01:15:58,240 --> 01:16:01,289
Right there in the gear box.
And his other one, his other nut...
1251
01:16:01,400 --> 01:16:03,482
- Where'd you take off from? Miami?
- Miami.
1252
01:16:03,760 --> 01:16:05,500
- His other nut's probably back in Miami.
- Where?
1253
01:16:05,600 --> 01:16:07,780
- They might have to ship it to you, buddy.
- Are you funning me?
1254
01:16:07,880 --> 01:16:11,180
Just hand me pliers and,
what do you think about a saw?
1255
01:16:11,280 --> 01:16:13,380
A saw? Wait, like a hacksaw?
1256
01:16:13,480 --> 01:16:17,060
Like to hack it off? No, no.
No saw by my balls. Thanks.
1257
01:16:17,160 --> 01:16:20,060
- Hey, buddy, can you let us concentrate?
- How long's this gonna take?
1258
01:16:20,160 --> 01:16:22,100
Like four or five hours.
Whatever, it doesn't matter.
1259
01:16:22,200 --> 01:16:25,204
Four or five hours? No way, man.
I gotta take an airplane to Idaho.
1260
01:16:25,320 --> 01:16:27,846
I gotta be honest, man,
planes are out of the question.
1261
01:16:28,040 --> 01:16:31,044
- You're gonna have to drive.
- Drive? I can't drive with these balls.
1262
01:16:31,280 --> 01:16:34,250
Plus I drive Mopar,
not some crummy rental car.
1263
01:16:35,960 --> 01:16:36,961
So I rented a car.
1264
01:16:37,520 --> 01:16:41,286
And now I was heading home,
but of course I ran out of gas. Typical.
1265
01:16:41,520 --> 01:16:42,567
Everyone saw that coming.
1266
01:16:43,400 --> 01:16:44,540
And then I hopped a train,
1267
01:16:44,640 --> 01:16:47,007
and that was fun, 'cause the guy
even let me drive it for a second.
1268
01:16:50,040 --> 01:16:51,371
Well, I screwed that up fast.
1269
01:16:52,360 --> 01:16:55,250
I didn't stick around to fill out no
paperwork, I just started running.
1270
01:16:55,520 --> 01:16:57,045
I'm actually a good runner.
1271
01:16:57,480 --> 01:16:58,481
I'm actually not.
1272
01:17:06,520 --> 01:17:07,567
Man.
1273
01:17:16,800 --> 01:17:19,201
If it isn't dirty Joe Dirt.
1274
01:17:19,520 --> 01:17:22,251
Man. Hey, Foggle.
1275
01:17:22,440 --> 01:17:24,329
Phonebook's looking a little
thinner these days.
1276
01:17:24,720 --> 01:17:26,140
How 'bout you give us them boots.
1277
01:17:26,240 --> 01:17:29,449
And we'll kill you only half as slow
as we was gonna.
1278
01:17:30,200 --> 01:17:31,406
How did you find me, man?
1279
01:17:31,720 --> 01:17:34,121
I met you back in 1965.
1280
01:17:34,280 --> 01:17:36,980
Joe Dirt, we're the dream
you can't slip.
1281
01:17:37,080 --> 01:17:40,846
The ache in your heart.
The darkness just outside of your light.
1282
01:17:41,240 --> 01:17:44,940
We've been hounding you since the day
you was left behind like garbage
1283
01:17:45,040 --> 01:17:46,485
by your ma and pa.
1284
01:17:47,400 --> 01:17:51,928
We're an allegory and a reality,
and your time is up.
1285
01:17:52,600 --> 01:17:54,204
This is gonna be good.
1286
01:17:54,440 --> 01:17:55,441
Hey.
1287
01:18:00,800 --> 01:18:02,564
I don't like your tone.
1288
01:18:03,240 --> 01:18:05,208
You're talking to my boy all wrong.
1289
01:18:05,600 --> 01:18:06,601
Clem!
1290
01:18:10,840 --> 01:18:11,841
Who are you?
1291
01:18:12,120 --> 01:18:16,569
I've come to check on my boy, Joe Dirt.
He's my goose that lays the golden eggs.
1292
01:18:16,680 --> 01:18:19,763
You don't mess with my goose,
unless you're a gander.
1293
01:18:20,800 --> 01:18:22,848
- Tell me, are you a gander?
- No!
1294
01:18:23,160 --> 01:18:24,650
No, I'm not a gander!
1295
01:18:25,200 --> 01:18:27,260
Clem, I'm so glad to see you, man.
But I gotta get out of here.
1296
01:18:27,360 --> 01:18:28,930
I've got to get
to Brandy's house right now!
1297
01:18:29,080 --> 01:18:30,969
I want those boots, pissant!
1298
01:18:31,120 --> 01:18:32,963
Joe, go meet your woman.
1299
01:18:33,440 --> 01:18:35,602
I will take care of these dunskies.
1300
01:18:35,800 --> 01:18:37,980
You know, we're kind of running
the show here.
1301
01:18:38,080 --> 01:18:41,780
We've got our chains and knives.
1302
01:18:41,880 --> 01:18:43,530
Don't bring a knife to a gunfight.
1303
01:18:44,320 --> 01:18:46,049
Especially if I've got the guns.
1304
01:18:46,480 --> 01:18:47,481
Not now, darling.
1305
01:18:48,320 --> 01:18:50,243
Hey, Clem,
you don't have to do this for me, buddy.
1306
01:18:51,120 --> 01:18:54,140
Joe Dirt, we may meet again someday.
1307
01:18:54,240 --> 01:18:55,220
I don't know.
1308
01:18:55,320 --> 01:18:58,210
But for that to happen,
you must meet your destiny.
1309
01:18:59,160 --> 01:19:02,084
You've learned how hot it is
when you lose your shade tree.
1310
01:19:02,920 --> 01:19:04,490
Go get your shade tree back.
1311
01:19:04,840 --> 01:19:05,921
Thanks, man.
1312
01:19:06,360 --> 01:19:09,170
Hey, by the way, why doesn't it sound
fruity when you say that?
1313
01:19:09,480 --> 01:19:11,482
You don't have time for the explanation.
1314
01:19:11,600 --> 01:19:15,321
- I don't. Bye, Foggle. I gotta go.
- Joe Dirt.
1315
01:19:16,520 --> 01:19:17,521
Joe Dirt!
1316
01:19:20,200 --> 01:19:21,201
And you.
1317
01:19:22,120 --> 01:19:25,169
You're done with Joe Dirt.
You must never haunt his dreams again.
1318
01:19:25,360 --> 01:19:28,887
You must never be that voice of doubt
that makes him think he's not good.
1319
01:19:29,680 --> 01:19:31,728
Your dance with Joe Dirt is done.
1320
01:19:36,000 --> 01:19:37,240
I'll let you know when it's over.
1321
01:19:37,560 --> 01:19:40,689
Hey, does your mother sew?
1322
01:19:56,320 --> 01:19:58,561
Get her to stitch that!
1323
01:20:09,520 --> 01:20:10,521
Charlie!
1324
01:20:13,320 --> 01:20:15,209
We've got to get you unstuck.
1325
01:20:18,000 --> 01:20:20,048
Is there anybody out there
that will help me?
1326
01:20:22,400 --> 01:20:23,401
It's you!
1327
01:20:24,560 --> 01:20:25,540
Yeah.
1328
01:20:25,640 --> 01:20:27,860
Thank goodness.
We've gotta help Charlie.
1329
01:20:27,960 --> 01:20:30,247
I was born to help Charlie.
What's going on?
1330
01:20:30,360 --> 01:20:33,300
I was thinking maybe
warm water and a spatula?
1331
01:20:33,400 --> 01:20:34,811
- That's a great idea.
- Okay.
1332
01:20:36,440 --> 01:20:38,329
Man, keep your mouth shut, mutt.
1333
01:20:40,000 --> 01:20:42,606
All right. I'm looking at you, too.
He's all good. Come on back.
1334
01:20:44,440 --> 01:20:45,441
Charlie!
1335
01:20:46,960 --> 01:20:48,769
- Jimmy, thank you!
- You're welcome.
1336
01:20:49,040 --> 01:20:51,020
- It ain't nothing.
- How did you do that?
1337
01:20:51,120 --> 01:20:53,930
Don't worry about it.
That's a guy thing, right there.
1338
01:20:56,080 --> 01:20:57,844
Brandy, hey.
1339
01:20:59,600 --> 01:21:01,807
I'm sorry, do I know you?
1340
01:21:02,440 --> 01:21:03,441
It's me, Brandy, Joe Dirt.
1341
01:21:03,920 --> 01:21:04,921
Joe Dirt?
1342
01:21:05,200 --> 01:21:06,281
What kind of name is that?
1343
01:21:06,720 --> 01:21:11,044
It's me. We're supposed to meet here,
right now. Right exactly now, with Charlie.
1344
01:21:11,720 --> 01:21:15,088
We become friends,
and eventually we get married.
1345
01:21:15,200 --> 01:21:16,964
Boy, what are you talking about?
1346
01:21:17,280 --> 01:21:18,611
Is you wasted or something?
1347
01:21:19,040 --> 01:21:21,566
Mr. Dirt, I can't talk right now.
1348
01:21:22,080 --> 01:21:25,243
- Jimmy and I need to tend to my dog.
- Brandy, I'm rich now.
1349
01:21:25,960 --> 01:21:27,200
I'm super rich.
1350
01:21:28,120 --> 01:21:29,485
I'm somebody that's worth loving.
1351
01:21:30,680 --> 01:21:34,321
Mr. Dirt, money doesn't interest me
all that much.
1352
01:21:35,160 --> 01:21:38,004
I'm more interested in a man
that is kind.
1353
01:21:38,440 --> 01:21:42,001
Like somebody that would
help a dog in distress.
1354
01:21:42,560 --> 01:21:47,060
Well, hell, just yesterday, I saved 15
raccoons by giving them mouth-to-mouth
1355
01:21:47,160 --> 01:21:49,208
'cause they was choking
on garbage and stuff.
1356
01:21:49,480 --> 01:21:50,845
Heck, I'll save anybody.
1357
01:21:51,960 --> 01:21:53,371
Especially you, Brandy.
1358
01:21:53,600 --> 01:21:55,967
You know, 'cause I am armed!
1359
01:21:56,240 --> 01:21:58,242
A-R-M-D right there.
1360
01:21:59,320 --> 01:22:00,321
Well,
1361
01:22:00,600 --> 01:22:02,090
it was nice meeting you, Mr. Dirt.
1362
01:22:02,640 --> 01:22:03,641
Yeah, later, Dirt.
1363
01:22:05,840 --> 01:22:11,688
- Jimmy, would you like some ice cream?
- Why, hells to the yes. Get on in there!
1364
01:22:31,200 --> 01:22:32,201
And that was it.
1365
01:22:34,040 --> 01:22:35,041
I missed my destiny.
1366
01:22:35,960 --> 01:22:37,121
Just like that it was all gone.
1367
01:22:37,880 --> 01:22:40,884
I'm sorry, Joe. I really am.
1368
01:22:41,040 --> 01:22:42,940
Thanks for listening. I appreciate it.
1369
01:22:43,040 --> 01:22:45,611
Right now you're probably
the only friend I have.
1370
01:22:47,320 --> 01:22:48,810
There's my bus!
1371
01:22:49,840 --> 01:22:50,841
See ya!
1372
01:22:57,880 --> 01:23:00,201
Wow, where's the fire, lady?
1373
01:23:03,040 --> 01:23:05,088
He got kicked to the curb!
1374
01:23:05,200 --> 01:23:07,521
Joe Dirt fucked up a couple things.
1375
01:23:09,080 --> 01:23:11,321
Damn, she just left him.
1376
01:23:11,680 --> 01:23:14,843
That boy was left with nothing.
1377
01:23:15,680 --> 01:23:19,571
But, you know, last time
all he had was his freedom.
1378
01:23:19,840 --> 01:23:20,841
And you know what freedom is.
1379
01:23:21,040 --> 01:23:22,020
Yeah.
1380
01:23:22,120 --> 01:23:26,250
Just another word
for nothing left to lose.
1381
01:23:28,720 --> 01:23:32,611
Look at you all growed up
and being Starsky and Putz!
1382
01:23:33,760 --> 01:23:35,444
I had a cousin named Randy.
1383
01:23:40,600 --> 01:23:41,601
Yeah.
1384
01:23:42,920 --> 01:23:46,891
But much like Ned Beatty braced against
the shale wall in Deliverance,
1385
01:23:47,280 --> 01:23:50,011
this time he's got shit tons to lose.
1386
01:23:50,760 --> 01:23:55,687
But, come on, it's Joe Dirt. There's always
one more ace up his wife-beater.
1387
01:23:55,800 --> 01:23:57,086
Let's pick this story back up.
1388
01:23:58,760 --> 01:24:00,125
Get out of the road!
1389
01:24:07,240 --> 01:24:08,241
What's up?
1390
01:24:09,240 --> 01:24:12,642
Hey, dude. Where'd you come from?
You scared the crap out of me.
1391
01:24:13,800 --> 01:24:16,280
Looks like you've just
completely given up, huh, Joe?
1392
01:24:16,480 --> 01:24:19,609
Look out...
Man, that car just drove through you!
1393
01:24:19,800 --> 01:24:23,725
Like a car driving through you.
Are you some sort of ghost or something?
1394
01:24:24,520 --> 01:24:28,127
Ghost-like. Yeah, check this out.
Put your hand right here. Just touch it.
1395
01:24:28,480 --> 01:24:31,211
No, that's your private parts, man.
1396
01:24:31,560 --> 01:24:33,620
Private, but you're invited.
Go ahead. Put it right there.
1397
01:24:33,720 --> 01:24:36,500
It'll go right through me. I won't even
feel it. I won't even feel it. Go ahead.
1398
01:24:36,600 --> 01:24:39,331
- Really? All right, I ain't being fruity.
- Yeah. All right.
1399
01:24:39,760 --> 01:24:40,966
It did!
1400
01:24:42,840 --> 01:24:46,660
- That felt nice.
- No man, don't say that. That's wrong.
1401
01:24:46,760 --> 01:24:49,366
You could've bought me dinner first.
We just met.
1402
01:24:50,080 --> 01:24:51,940
You talk slow, but you move fast.
1403
01:24:52,040 --> 01:24:54,884
Yeah, it's like there's a dog whistle
in my pants and only you can hear it.
1404
01:24:55,080 --> 01:24:57,300
Do it again, one more time, I wanna see if
you can get me off again.
1405
01:24:57,400 --> 01:25:00,006
No, I didn't get you off, man,
I ain't no party boy.
1406
01:25:00,920 --> 01:25:03,420
Come on, Joe. I'm just messing with you.
I was trying to lighten the mood.
1407
01:25:03,520 --> 01:25:05,740
I never figured you for a quitter.
1408
01:25:05,840 --> 01:25:09,367
Weren't you the guy who once said,
"Life's a garden, dig it?"
1409
01:25:10,240 --> 01:25:14,564
Yeah, I also said, "Say it, don't spray it."
But that Joe's gone, man.
1410
01:25:14,800 --> 01:25:17,406
"Life's a garden, dig it,"
ain't nothing but a bumper sticker.
1411
01:25:17,720 --> 01:25:21,042
Well, don't you think that sometimes bumper
stickers have a little bit of truth in them?
1412
01:25:21,240 --> 01:25:26,087
Yeah, you know the one that says, "Wrap it in
latex, or she'll get your paychecks."
1413
01:25:26,360 --> 01:25:28,362
- That one's got lots of truth. Yeah.
- Sure.
1414
01:25:28,480 --> 01:25:32,201
Sure, and then I remember
that one that said "Coexist."
1415
01:25:33,560 --> 01:25:35,050
Yeah, that's not as funny.
1416
01:25:35,520 --> 01:25:39,320
And then they took the coexist
and they changed it to "Joe-exist"
1417
01:25:39,760 --> 01:25:41,500
to put his hands on dick.
1418
01:25:41,600 --> 01:25:43,940
Come on, Joe. I want you to come with me.
I want to show you something.
1419
01:25:44,040 --> 01:25:45,201
I wanna take you to Silvertown.
1420
01:25:45,560 --> 01:25:50,248
Silvertown? No way, man. That place is
1,000 miles away. Literally and finger...
1421
01:25:50,960 --> 01:25:52,007
And fig...
1422
01:25:52,560 --> 01:25:54,403
Fig Newtonally.
1423
01:25:54,960 --> 01:25:56,420
Were you going for "Figuratively"?
1424
01:25:56,520 --> 01:25:57,620
'Cause I know that you were
just going for some
1425
01:25:57,720 --> 01:25:59,722
homo action in my pants
just a minute ago.
1426
01:26:00,160 --> 01:26:02,367
Joe, when you're with me Silvertown
is just a second away.
1427
01:26:04,280 --> 01:26:05,281
All right.
1428
01:26:10,800 --> 01:26:13,041
Wait a second, is this Silvertown?
1429
01:26:13,920 --> 01:26:16,002
Man, it's all gone to hell.
What happened?
1430
01:26:16,440 --> 01:26:19,364
You didn't happen, Joe.
It all went to hell.
1431
01:26:19,760 --> 01:26:25,085
Although, my guess is you would have
rather had it go to the Thunder Down Under.
1432
01:26:25,920 --> 01:26:28,700
The Thunder Down Under show?
That's a bunch of dudes dancing around.
1433
01:26:28,800 --> 01:26:31,007
Why do you keep saying crap like that?
1434
01:26:31,320 --> 01:26:33,129
You couldn't wait
to get your hand on my dick.
1435
01:26:33,400 --> 01:26:35,971
And I get it, you know, we all want
what we can't have.
1436
01:26:36,440 --> 01:26:38,807
You want to touch what's on
the other side of the light,
1437
01:26:38,920 --> 01:26:41,020
and the closest thing
to you was my dick.
1438
01:26:41,120 --> 01:26:43,140
But you wanted to wear it
like a fucking wristwatch,
1439
01:26:43,240 --> 01:26:45,368
which would be great, right?
Then you could say,
1440
01:26:45,920 --> 01:26:48,969
"What time is it?
It's 15 minutes to dick."
1441
01:26:49,520 --> 01:26:51,761
Snapper, 11 o'clock.
1442
01:26:52,200 --> 01:26:53,201
Nine o'clock.
1443
01:26:53,720 --> 01:26:54,721
Snapper.
1444
01:26:56,280 --> 01:26:59,568
I'd drink a gallon of her piss
just to see where it came from.
1445
01:27:00,800 --> 01:27:02,484
That's nice. Yeah, yeah.
1446
01:27:02,960 --> 01:27:04,980
I've got Brandy, she's my girl,
and I don't...
1447
01:27:05,080 --> 01:27:07,260
But I guess, what they say you know,
1448
01:27:07,360 --> 01:27:09,931
"You're on a diet
don't mean you can't look at the menu."
1449
01:27:10,720 --> 01:27:11,700
Right?
1450
01:27:11,800 --> 01:27:14,300
Just because you're petting the dog
don't mean you can't have sex with it.
1451
01:27:14,400 --> 01:27:15,890
- Right?
- I don't know.
1452
01:27:16,000 --> 01:27:19,686
You're creeping me out.
You're so creepy. You're so creepy.
1453
01:27:19,920 --> 01:27:21,580
My dick had you at hello and now you're
1454
01:27:21,680 --> 01:27:23,780
talking about having sex
with animals and shit.
1455
01:27:23,880 --> 01:27:25,060
I don't get you.
1456
01:27:25,160 --> 01:27:27,860
No, dude.
Okay, you're twisting things around.
1457
01:27:27,960 --> 01:27:30,088
I just said Silvertown
looks way different,
1458
01:27:30,280 --> 01:27:33,807
but I didn't say sex with animals,
that don't turn me on, man, that's...
1459
01:27:34,560 --> 01:27:36,164
That's weird stuff, I mean...
1460
01:27:37,080 --> 01:27:38,445
Maybe Jessica Rabbit...
1461
01:27:40,920 --> 01:27:44,060
It's not called Silvertown anymore.
Jimmy Yauch bought this joint,
1462
01:27:44,160 --> 01:27:46,060
changed its name to Jimmy Town.
1463
01:27:46,160 --> 01:27:47,580
What...
1464
01:27:47,680 --> 01:27:49,842
What? Dude, why would he do that?
1465
01:27:50,520 --> 01:27:52,966
Well, he got rich, Joe.
He got rich as hell.
1466
01:27:53,080 --> 01:27:57,940
But all he does anymore is sit around
and pop Molly cut with ketamine and shit.
1467
01:27:58,040 --> 01:27:59,260
Trip his balls off.
1468
01:27:59,360 --> 01:28:02,140
Joe, about what happened back there,
you know when you fisted me?
1469
01:28:02,240 --> 01:28:04,368
I don't want things to get weird
between the two of us.
1470
01:28:04,560 --> 01:28:07,530
But if I could just be serious for
a second, "What do balls taste like?"
1471
01:28:08,320 --> 01:28:10,060
You know, did you go to
guardian angel school?
1472
01:28:10,160 --> 01:28:12,527
Because I feel like
maybe you flunked out.
1473
01:28:13,720 --> 01:28:15,449
Hey! Hey, you little punks!
1474
01:28:15,760 --> 01:28:17,000
Come back here!
1475
01:28:18,920 --> 01:28:20,888
Third time this week kids
have ripped me off.
1476
01:28:21,160 --> 01:28:24,140
This used to be a town for families,
community.
1477
01:28:24,240 --> 01:28:25,300
Yeah.
1478
01:28:25,400 --> 01:28:26,970
I don't know, the last few decades,
1479
01:28:27,400 --> 01:28:30,882
hell, something's gone missing. It's like...
Well, it's like the glue is gone.
1480
01:28:31,200 --> 01:28:33,580
Someone stole Silvertown's glue?
1481
01:28:33,680 --> 01:28:36,780
Wait, is that one of them metaphors
you talked about?
1482
01:28:36,880 --> 01:28:40,020
- Who are you talking to?
- Oh, sorry, man. This here is Clair.
1483
01:28:40,120 --> 01:28:41,121
He can't see me, Joe.
1484
01:28:42,120 --> 01:28:45,761
For Christ's sake,
kids ripping off comic books,
1485
01:28:45,880 --> 01:28:49,930
assholes standing around talking to
themselves. It's all just bullshit!
1486
01:28:53,880 --> 01:28:54,881
Man.
1487
01:28:55,720 --> 01:28:59,202
Joe? Brandy's just outside of town.
1488
01:29:00,400 --> 01:29:01,447
Brandy lives here?
1489
01:29:01,600 --> 01:29:03,329
This don't seem like her kind
of place at all.
1490
01:29:03,440 --> 01:29:05,488
Well, these days this is
her kind of place.
1491
01:29:05,840 --> 01:29:09,367
Her life went down a different path
on the day that she didn't meet you.
1492
01:29:09,640 --> 01:29:14,420
She's changed. I mean, she is still cute
as a little puppy.
1493
01:29:14,520 --> 01:29:18,260
If that little puppy had great tits
and a nice ass.
1494
01:29:18,360 --> 01:29:19,340
Man...
1495
01:29:19,440 --> 01:29:23,206
It's like diarrhea, I can't stop.
You should see for yourself, though.
1496
01:29:25,960 --> 01:29:27,860
Hey, man, how did you do that?
1497
01:29:27,960 --> 01:29:32,124
Well, because I'm an angel, you moron!
1498
01:29:37,720 --> 01:29:42,282
- Joe, I want you to find Brandy.
- Okay.
1499
01:29:53,240 --> 01:29:56,722
You hear that? It's poetry.
1500
01:29:56,840 --> 01:29:57,820
Poetry?
1501
01:29:57,920 --> 01:30:02,060
Brandy finally gave me the gift
I knew she always had to give.
1502
01:30:02,160 --> 01:30:04,083
All the great words.
1503
01:30:05,160 --> 01:30:07,606
The great magical turns of a phrase.
1504
01:30:07,920 --> 01:30:11,481
That lives within me now
and informs my music.
1505
01:30:11,840 --> 01:30:14,844
It's all because of her.
So you know what I'm thinking?
1506
01:30:15,040 --> 01:30:16,700
You all want to get wasted?
1507
01:30:16,800 --> 01:30:18,006
- Yeah!
- Get real wasted, real fast!
1508
01:30:18,160 --> 01:30:20,140
- Yeah!
- Party like a rock star?
1509
01:30:20,240 --> 01:30:21,260
Well, all right!
1510
01:30:21,360 --> 01:30:22,900
Yeah!
1511
01:30:23,000 --> 01:30:24,923
Here's what I'm thinking, tampons!
1512
01:30:26,840 --> 01:30:28,100
Come on, man, hear me out, man.
1513
01:30:28,200 --> 01:30:31,647
You soak them in vodka, and then
we shove them straight up our asses.
1514
01:30:34,160 --> 01:30:35,260
Wait, what?
1515
01:30:35,360 --> 01:30:37,044
No, no, it will get you
hammered ASAP, man.
1516
01:30:37,160 --> 01:30:38,740
Mark McGrath does it every night.
1517
01:30:38,840 --> 01:30:40,729
I don't know.
That seems weird, a little.
1518
01:30:40,840 --> 01:30:42,683
Do you guys question the iPhone?
1519
01:30:43,640 --> 01:30:45,688
Well, yeah, but this seems different
than an iPhone.
1520
01:30:46,080 --> 01:30:48,100
You can't compare an iPhone
with a tampon.
1521
01:30:48,200 --> 01:30:52,940
Stop being such a bunch of pussies now!
I demand you to stop being pussies.
1522
01:30:53,040 --> 01:30:56,886
Now start to soaking and get to shoving!
1523
01:30:57,000 --> 01:30:59,340
Or you're out of my entourage!
All of youse!
1524
01:30:59,440 --> 01:31:00,660
Keep soaking and shoving.
Soak and shove.
1525
01:31:00,760 --> 01:31:02,762
- I want to hear you boys say it now.
- Soak and shove.
1526
01:31:02,880 --> 01:31:05,087
You better be right about that.
1527
01:31:05,200 --> 01:31:07,931
- All right.
- Oh, yeah.
1528
01:31:08,040 --> 01:31:09,660
It's hard to get in there, boss.
1529
01:31:09,760 --> 01:31:13,003
Don't worry about it, man. Just keep
shoving, it will get there. It will get there.
1530
01:31:17,280 --> 01:31:18,566
How are you doing, Cal?
1531
01:31:18,720 --> 01:31:21,405
Eight, nine, 10...
1532
01:31:21,720 --> 01:31:26,760
Oh, yeah, 14! These things
are going up, like, easy-peasy.
1533
01:31:30,240 --> 01:31:32,607
- What?
- Fourteen?
1534
01:31:33,600 --> 01:31:36,968
What do you say? What? Who said that?
1535
01:31:37,840 --> 01:31:41,322
What are you saying?
I thought I was eating them?
1536
01:31:41,760 --> 01:31:43,820
- I thought you said eat them?
- He wasn't eating them, man.
1537
01:31:43,920 --> 01:31:46,140
You said eat them. I had, like, 14.
1538
01:31:46,240 --> 01:31:48,220
I was eating them.
They taste like cotton candy.
1539
01:31:48,320 --> 01:31:50,641
Wait a minute, did you say butt, man?
1540
01:31:50,880 --> 01:31:54,340
Oh, my God, Jimmy.
He was putting them up his butt.
1541
01:31:54,440 --> 01:31:57,603
This guy! This guy was putting them
up his butt.
1542
01:31:57,880 --> 01:31:59,928
What an idiot! What an idiot!
1543
01:32:01,840 --> 01:32:04,820
They all went up your butt, Cal.
I seen them all go up your butt.
1544
01:32:04,920 --> 01:32:07,180
No. No! This sucks!
1545
01:32:07,280 --> 01:32:10,443
No! I'm done with this party!
You suck, Jimmy!
1546
01:32:10,600 --> 01:32:14,127
No, you don't suck. You're great, man.
I love you. You're awesome. You're the best.
1547
01:32:14,280 --> 01:32:16,100
You're the best. He sucks!
1548
01:32:16,200 --> 01:32:18,601
No, I'm out. This is terrible.
1549
01:32:18,720 --> 01:32:20,609
- Dude, stay! Stay! Stay! Hey!
- Jimmy, this is stupid.
1550
01:32:20,760 --> 01:32:22,922
No, Jimmy. What a dumb idea!
1551
01:32:23,120 --> 01:32:25,380
Jimmy, we got a situation out here.
1552
01:32:25,480 --> 01:32:27,687
Come on, man.
We're doing a science experiment here.
1553
01:32:27,960 --> 01:32:30,008
Yeah, but there's this guy out here.
1554
01:32:30,840 --> 01:32:31,860
What's up?
1555
01:32:31,960 --> 01:32:34,380
Look, man. We caught this dude
without an invitation.
1556
01:32:34,480 --> 01:32:35,845
You want me to throw his ass out?
1557
01:32:36,480 --> 01:32:39,020
- I know you, right?
- You know me, yeah!
1558
01:32:39,120 --> 01:32:42,620
It's Joe Dirt. Jimmy, I can't believe
you're such a huge star.
1559
01:32:42,720 --> 01:32:43,960
This big house, man.
1560
01:32:44,120 --> 01:32:46,220
It seems like just yesterday we was
hanging out at the gas station...
1561
01:32:46,320 --> 01:32:50,484
Now, hold up a second. I ain't never
hung out with nobody named Joe Dirt.
1562
01:32:50,800 --> 01:32:52,643
And I ain't about to start right now.
1563
01:32:55,280 --> 01:32:56,281
Oh, yeah.
1564
01:32:57,280 --> 01:32:59,886
You know,
I think I confused you for somebody.
1565
01:33:00,000 --> 01:33:01,140
Yeah, I think you did.
1566
01:33:01,240 --> 01:33:04,767
Hey, get this boy a drink.
Maybe clear his head up a little bit.
1567
01:33:04,880 --> 01:33:07,008
- Nah, man, I'm cool.
- No, you ain't.
1568
01:33:08,000 --> 01:33:09,843
Dang, I walk into that every time.
1569
01:33:10,160 --> 01:33:12,288
Hey, is Brandy around?
1570
01:33:12,440 --> 01:33:14,169
- What did you say?
- Is Brandy here?
1571
01:33:14,280 --> 01:33:16,169
Oh, you asking about Brandy now?
1572
01:33:16,280 --> 01:33:19,682
You coming up in my house,
actin' all buddy-buddy like,
1573
01:33:19,840 --> 01:33:21,285
and now you're hitting on my wife?
1574
01:33:21,480 --> 01:33:22,460
No, I didn't mean...
1575
01:33:22,560 --> 01:33:25,131
Your wife? Brandy's not your...
1576
01:33:25,320 --> 01:33:26,890
- Yeah.
- What?
1577
01:33:27,400 --> 01:33:32,884
Oh, my God! When you took my place on the
porch, saving Charlie's balls, that's right.
1578
01:33:33,240 --> 01:33:34,420
Wait a minute.
1579
01:33:34,520 --> 01:33:37,900
You're that dude that walked up
on me and Brandy that night on the porch
1580
01:33:38,000 --> 01:33:41,420
when I was saving that stupid mutt,
or something like that.
1581
01:33:41,520 --> 01:33:44,020
And you was talking about,
"Oh, Brandy, I love you.
1582
01:33:44,120 --> 01:33:46,980
"I got so much money
it's coming out of my butt."
1583
01:33:47,080 --> 01:33:49,260
It's no wonder Colt Ford
wrote a song about you.
1584
01:33:49,360 --> 01:33:51,060
Colt Ford wrote a song about me?
1585
01:33:51,160 --> 01:33:53,083
Yeah, man. The Ballad of Joe Dirt.
1586
01:33:53,720 --> 01:33:56,724
And here you are, stupid mullet,
1587
01:33:57,400 --> 01:34:00,563
stupid face and all of that.
1588
01:34:03,080 --> 01:34:05,082
Hello, ladies!
1589
01:34:07,200 --> 01:34:09,248
Lookey here, lookey here!
1590
01:34:09,760 --> 01:34:12,081
Hey, Jimmy, ain't you just say
you married to Brandy now?
1591
01:34:13,800 --> 01:34:18,601
She does her thing, I do my thing.
That's the way that thing goes.
1592
01:34:19,560 --> 01:34:21,369
How you doing?
Where are your friends at?
1593
01:34:21,560 --> 01:34:24,245
Have you seen the Jacuzzi yet?
You're going to love it.
1594
01:34:24,520 --> 01:34:25,980
Come on now. You got a twin sister?
1595
01:34:26,080 --> 01:34:27,206
Not cool.
1596
01:34:31,880 --> 01:34:32,881
Hey!
1597
01:34:33,840 --> 01:34:34,887
Brandy!
1598
01:34:37,240 --> 01:34:39,083
- How do I light this?
- This way, babe.
1599
01:34:39,760 --> 01:34:40,921
You do it.
1600
01:34:41,840 --> 01:34:43,330
This way, silly.
1601
01:34:44,440 --> 01:34:45,441
Brandy?
1602
01:34:46,520 --> 01:34:47,601
Hey!
1603
01:34:49,000 --> 01:34:51,890
Hey! I remember you.
1604
01:34:52,560 --> 01:34:54,260
You're that rich guy.
1605
01:34:54,360 --> 01:34:56,700
You were going to help me with Charlie
when he was stuck.
1606
01:34:56,800 --> 01:34:58,900
- Yeah.
- Until Jimmy beat you to it,
1607
01:34:59,000 --> 01:35:00,490
and helped me instead.
1608
01:35:01,680 --> 01:35:04,445
Might have been the last time
Jimmy helped me with anything.
1609
01:35:05,360 --> 01:35:08,489
Look, it's the moron with
the Tennessee top hat.
1610
01:35:09,960 --> 01:35:11,405
Tennessee top hat.
1611
01:35:12,400 --> 01:35:14,971
That's actually a good one, fellas.
I had not heard that one before.
1612
01:35:15,480 --> 01:35:16,970
- They've got some new stuff.
- Oh, yeah?
1613
01:35:17,080 --> 01:35:19,890
I bet you never heard
that you're a winner, either!
1614
01:35:21,120 --> 01:35:22,531
Jimmy would have liked that one!
1615
01:35:22,920 --> 01:35:24,081
I love Jimmy!
1616
01:35:24,320 --> 01:35:25,606
Where is Jimmy?
1617
01:35:25,840 --> 01:35:27,649
Forget about Jimmy, baby.
1618
01:35:28,200 --> 01:35:30,965
- You're with me now.
- Katrina, you're so sweet.
1619
01:35:31,160 --> 01:35:33,811
- You're such a good friend to me.
- Oh, yeah.
1620
01:35:33,960 --> 01:35:36,531
You look so hot tonight, Brandy.
1621
01:35:37,400 --> 01:35:39,846
- Doesn't she look hot, boys?
- Yeah!
1622
01:35:41,280 --> 01:35:43,248
I don't think she looks that hot.
1623
01:35:43,840 --> 01:35:46,650
I mean, she's gorgeous,
1624
01:35:46,840 --> 01:35:49,660
but that's not the Brandy I'm used to.
You don't look like that.
1625
01:35:49,760 --> 01:35:52,001
I mean, you look slutty hot,
and that's good.
1626
01:35:52,160 --> 01:35:54,925
Slutty hot is good,
it's just not the regular hot.
1627
01:35:55,200 --> 01:35:57,521
But believe me, there's a place
for slutty hot, guys like that.
1628
01:35:57,720 --> 01:36:00,883
But Brandy isn't that kind of hot,
you're innocent, sweet hot.
1629
01:36:01,120 --> 01:36:04,647
I mean, sluts are great. You know what?
I'm digging a hole. I can get out of it.
1630
01:36:05,200 --> 01:36:07,407
Brandy, what's been happening
in Silvertown?
1631
01:36:14,360 --> 01:36:16,408
Brandy's been happening.
1632
01:36:17,120 --> 01:36:20,602
Oh, boy, I didn't think those
M's was ever going to stop.
1633
01:36:21,040 --> 01:36:23,008
This girl's got more M's than M&M's.
1634
01:36:24,680 --> 01:36:25,841
'Cause M&M's...
1635
01:36:26,160 --> 01:36:27,685
No laughs. Absolutely zero.
1636
01:36:27,800 --> 01:36:29,370
When Jimmy's here you
laugh at everything...
1637
01:36:29,480 --> 01:36:31,020
He cuts a fart,
everyone cracks up for two hours.
1638
01:36:31,120 --> 01:36:34,044
This town is called Jimmy Town now.
1639
01:36:34,800 --> 01:36:38,521
My husband renamed it.
I kind of miss the old name.
1640
01:36:39,720 --> 01:36:41,245
And all that came with it.
1641
01:36:42,560 --> 01:36:43,686
Brandy?
1642
01:36:43,880 --> 01:36:47,407
I'd like to be all that came
with it to you.
1643
01:36:48,680 --> 01:36:50,364
Katrina, that tickles.
1644
01:36:50,720 --> 01:36:53,849
Jimmy will get mad. He always gets mad.
1645
01:36:54,320 --> 01:36:57,802
No, he'll just grab a camera
and pop a rod.
1646
01:36:58,240 --> 01:37:00,402
You're just a lost little girl, Brandy.
1647
01:37:00,760 --> 01:37:02,444
I didn't used to be.
1648
01:37:02,920 --> 01:37:06,163
I used to be a strong,
independent woman.
1649
01:37:06,680 --> 01:37:08,603
I don't know what happened to me.
1650
01:37:09,000 --> 01:37:11,367
- It could be the heroin.
- Heroin, man?
1651
01:37:11,840 --> 01:37:14,241
What's going on in this town?
It's all mixed up.
1652
01:37:14,680 --> 01:37:17,380
I don't know what is and isn't
mixed up anymore.
1653
01:37:17,480 --> 01:37:19,100
You're so deep, Brandy.
1654
01:37:19,200 --> 01:37:21,601
You like when I do this to you,
don't you?
1655
01:37:22,240 --> 01:37:25,767
I bet you're wearing those silk little
panties I bought for you, ain't you?
1656
01:37:26,400 --> 01:37:29,100
Don't say ain't
or your mother will faint.
1657
01:37:29,200 --> 01:37:33,000
- Your father will fall into a bucket of paint.
- Your father will fall into a bucket of paint.
1658
01:37:34,280 --> 01:37:37,170
Wow. You and me.
1659
01:37:37,960 --> 01:37:40,020
We have a connection, Joe Dirt.
1660
01:37:40,120 --> 01:37:41,281
We used to always say that.
1661
01:37:41,520 --> 01:37:45,286
I say it all the time to our kids...
To my kids.
1662
01:37:46,440 --> 01:37:49,523
Kiss me, Brandy. Like you mean it, girl.
1663
01:37:50,160 --> 01:37:53,243
Don't be halfway
with me no more, Brandy.
1664
01:37:53,360 --> 01:37:56,967
Okay, that's it. Show's over, everybody.
Stop it right there, that's enough.
1665
01:37:57,080 --> 01:37:58,620
- What are you doing?
- What the hell?
1666
01:37:58,720 --> 01:37:59,801
What are you, queer?
1667
01:38:01,760 --> 01:38:04,127
Brandy, in another life we get married,
we fall in love.
1668
01:38:04,320 --> 01:38:07,403
We have three beautiful kids,
Cheyenne, Abilene and Dakota.
1669
01:38:08,440 --> 01:38:10,260
Those are such sweet names.
1670
01:38:10,360 --> 01:38:11,740
Well, that's because you picked them.
1671
01:38:11,840 --> 01:38:13,330
- I picked dumb names.
- Stay on topic, Joe.
1672
01:38:13,920 --> 01:38:16,860
Man, you scare me because you
come out of nowhere sometimes.
1673
01:38:16,960 --> 01:38:19,540
Tell her. Tell her what you've learned.
1674
01:38:19,640 --> 01:38:21,483
- Tell her how you feel now.
- Okay.
1675
01:38:21,600 --> 01:38:22,761
I think I got it.
1676
01:38:22,880 --> 01:38:24,300
- Who's he talking to?
- I don't know.
1677
01:38:24,400 --> 01:38:27,006
All right, Brandy.
Me and you was together.
1678
01:38:27,240 --> 01:38:29,380
And everything was going great,
and we was really happy.
1679
01:38:29,480 --> 01:38:32,540
And then something terrible happened,
and I got taken away from you and the kids,
1680
01:38:32,640 --> 01:38:36,565
and then now,
I think I'm sent back to learn a lesson
1681
01:38:37,040 --> 01:38:39,691
- that if I have money...
- What the hell!
1682
01:38:39,800 --> 01:38:43,850
Come on! Damn it, Joe,
you still don't get it?
1683
01:38:44,920 --> 01:38:47,980
Look, they told me you were dumb,
but it's almost like you're an
1684
01:38:48,080 --> 01:38:50,560
"I'm joking" kind of dumb.
Look, I give up here.
1685
01:38:50,720 --> 01:38:52,420
I guess I'm not going to get my wings
1686
01:38:52,520 --> 01:38:55,046
and I'm never going to hear
that beautiful sound.
1687
01:38:55,720 --> 01:38:56,860
What sound?
1688
01:38:56,960 --> 01:39:00,420
Well, you hear a certain kind of clang
when an angel gets its wings. Whatever.
1689
01:39:00,520 --> 01:39:02,540
- I, look...
- Oh, wait.
1690
01:39:02,640 --> 01:39:06,167
When an angel gets its wings? That's from
a movie or something, like a TV show?
1691
01:39:06,280 --> 01:39:07,805
Shut up, dude!
1692
01:39:08,280 --> 01:39:10,647
You're seriously bumming out the vibe
in this room.
1693
01:39:10,960 --> 01:39:14,089
Brandy here had a monsoon in her panties,
thinking about me.
1694
01:39:14,360 --> 01:39:17,300
And then you walk in here not remembering
lines from It's a Wonderful Life.
1695
01:39:17,400 --> 01:39:18,420
That's it.
1696
01:39:18,520 --> 01:39:21,410
I'm trying to get down,
and you're getting me down.
1697
01:39:24,360 --> 01:39:27,011
Look, this is just too confusing.
1698
01:39:27,240 --> 01:39:28,366
I've had too much to drink.
1699
01:39:29,160 --> 01:39:30,400
I got to go.
1700
01:39:31,840 --> 01:39:33,205
- I got to go.
- Let me... Can I talk...
1701
01:39:34,360 --> 01:39:35,441
What did you do?
1702
01:39:39,680 --> 01:39:42,140
Brandy, I think I know
what I'm supposed to know now.
1703
01:39:42,240 --> 01:39:43,401
I'm going to be different!
1704
01:39:43,560 --> 01:39:45,403
I don't know what you're saying,
just please stop.
1705
01:39:46,040 --> 01:39:47,565
I'm married to Jimmy.
1706
01:39:48,040 --> 01:39:50,566
But he doesn't feel like
he's married to me.
1707
01:39:51,400 --> 01:39:54,529
My life feels like it is spinning
out of control.
1708
01:39:56,920 --> 01:39:58,251
Goodbye, Joe Dirt.
1709
01:40:03,120 --> 01:40:04,451
Well, that went great.
1710
01:40:05,880 --> 01:40:09,089
I don't know what's going on anymore, man.
I don't know what I'm supposed to learn.
1711
01:40:09,560 --> 01:40:10,766
Well, you're not very bright.
1712
01:40:11,080 --> 01:40:13,242
Come on, I ain't no toaster scientist.
1713
01:40:13,360 --> 01:40:15,601
What am I supposed to learn?
I bench 150 on a good day.
1714
01:40:16,120 --> 01:40:18,930
The fact that I'm supposed to memorize
a spark-plug gap
1715
01:40:19,240 --> 01:40:20,969
on a Plymouth 383?
1716
01:40:21,920 --> 01:40:23,649
I don't know.
I just want my old life back.
1717
01:40:23,760 --> 01:40:24,921
150's not that great.
1718
01:40:26,560 --> 01:40:27,891
Hey, Clair.
1719
01:40:28,040 --> 01:40:30,500
Hey, wait, you're that woman that yelled
at me on the bus bench.
1720
01:40:30,600 --> 01:40:32,602
That's right. You fart-eater.
1721
01:40:32,880 --> 01:40:37,249
I'm the good witch. I'm the one
that sent this hunky angel to you.
1722
01:40:37,440 --> 01:40:39,980
- No offence, Clair.
- No offence? Really? Okay.
1723
01:40:40,080 --> 01:40:44,165
He's like that angel that saved that
cracker-ass Jimmy Stewart.
1724
01:40:44,280 --> 01:40:46,601
And helped that white, racist-ass town.
1725
01:40:46,760 --> 01:40:50,810
Tell me something, how come they don't
ever have any angels to save a black town?
1726
01:40:51,000 --> 01:40:53,526
You don't think black towns could
use some help once in a while?
1727
01:40:53,800 --> 01:40:57,327
You ever seen Detroit?
That town is sucking some misery dick.
1728
01:40:57,600 --> 01:41:01,366
How come them bitches in Hollywood
don't throw us a bone every once in a while?
1729
01:41:01,960 --> 01:41:03,325
Wait a second, you're the good witch?
1730
01:41:03,920 --> 01:41:07,540
Well, maybe you should
work on your, like, presentation,
1731
01:41:07,640 --> 01:41:09,608
because it comes off a little
rough around the edges.
1732
01:41:10,120 --> 01:41:11,645
But I have to say, ma'am,
with all due respect,
1733
01:41:12,160 --> 01:41:14,003
this is who I am. I'm Joe Dirt.
1734
01:41:14,480 --> 01:41:15,970
Okay? And I'm fine with it.
1735
01:41:16,120 --> 01:41:18,122
I'm not mean to other people
like you are.
1736
01:41:18,360 --> 01:41:21,011
In fact, I made some money
with this guy, Clem,
1737
01:41:21,320 --> 01:41:23,163
and if you need it
for that city, Detroit,
1738
01:41:23,560 --> 01:41:25,961
then you could have it all to help them.
I don't care.
1739
01:41:26,840 --> 01:41:30,060
Because I thought it was about being rich,
and showing my family I had a lot of money,
1740
01:41:30,160 --> 01:41:32,162
and being famous like Lynyrd Skynyrd,
1741
01:41:33,000 --> 01:41:34,047
but that don't matter.
1742
01:41:35,840 --> 01:41:39,162
It's about me being me. Just me.
1743
01:41:39,880 --> 01:41:41,006
And I'm okay with that.
1744
01:41:41,960 --> 01:41:43,121
And they're okay with that.
1745
01:41:44,760 --> 01:41:47,923
- Well I'll be dipped in shit.
- Holy hell, he gets it.
1746
01:41:48,600 --> 01:41:49,726
What? What happened?
1747
01:41:50,040 --> 01:41:51,326
You got it, Joe Dirt.
1748
01:41:51,560 --> 01:41:54,211
- You learned your lesson.
- Yeah, you're going home, Joe.
1749
01:41:54,680 --> 01:41:56,205
You're going home. You know...
1750
01:41:57,360 --> 01:41:59,408
I was Foggle, did you know that?
1751
01:41:59,520 --> 01:42:03,020
You was Foggle?
Wait, you're both sort of, like, homophobic.
1752
01:42:03,120 --> 01:42:04,100
Maybe, yeah, I see it.
1753
01:42:04,200 --> 01:42:06,726
Well, I was acting,
and I made some interesting choices.
1754
01:42:06,840 --> 01:42:08,340
Well, a little big at first,
1755
01:42:08,440 --> 01:42:10,620
but I thought I reeled him in.
I had to be convincing.
1756
01:42:10,720 --> 01:42:13,326
- Those guy would have raped me...
- Oh, fuck that acting shit!
1757
01:42:13,520 --> 01:42:14,885
This boy's going home.
1758
01:42:15,040 --> 01:42:18,380
Click those boots together, Joe Dirt,
you know what to say.
1759
01:42:18,480 --> 01:42:20,244
I just say,
"There ain't no place like home"?
1760
01:42:20,400 --> 01:42:22,562
Joe, I want to thank you
for giving my wings.
1761
01:42:23,280 --> 01:42:24,406
You got your wings?
1762
01:42:24,560 --> 01:42:25,891
I did. Well, I'm going to get them now.
1763
01:42:26,560 --> 01:42:28,403
- Am I supposed to hear a clang?
- You will.
1764
01:42:31,120 --> 01:42:32,300
Daddy...
1765
01:42:32,400 --> 01:42:35,460
You're the most handsomest man
that I have ever seen.
1766
01:42:35,560 --> 01:42:37,881
Your dance with Joe Dirt is done.
1767
01:42:38,480 --> 01:42:39,925
Life's a garden, dig it.
1768
01:42:40,040 --> 01:42:41,100
When are you coming back?
1769
01:42:41,200 --> 01:42:43,540
- Home is where you make it.
- You like to see homos naked?
1770
01:42:43,640 --> 01:42:47,042
No, no, no, no.
Home is where you make it.
1771
01:42:51,000 --> 01:42:53,526
Ain't nothing like home.
Ain't nothing like home.
1772
01:42:53,760 --> 01:42:55,410
Joe! Wake up!
1773
01:42:55,600 --> 01:42:56,601
- Joe?
- Brandy!
1774
01:42:57,640 --> 01:42:58,926
Is this a dream?
1775
01:42:59,160 --> 01:43:00,241
Is this a dream again?
1776
01:43:00,680 --> 01:43:03,160
No, it's real! Get over here. Come on!
1777
01:43:03,600 --> 01:43:05,011
Where have you guys been?
1778
01:43:07,000 --> 01:43:09,606
I missed you! Look at you, huh?
1779
01:43:14,320 --> 01:43:16,288
- Hey!
- Hey, baby.
1780
01:43:17,160 --> 01:43:19,322
- I think it's good.
- Oh, my God!
1781
01:43:19,880 --> 01:43:22,201
- I know, I gotta get 'em.
- Get his stick!
1782
01:43:24,960 --> 01:43:26,200
Come on, you little hicks.
1783
01:43:27,840 --> 01:43:30,820
So that is the whole story, it's crazy.
1784
01:43:30,920 --> 01:43:33,366
Joe, we love you just the way you are.
1785
01:43:33,800 --> 01:43:35,165
We do, Daddy!
1786
01:43:35,320 --> 01:43:36,367
We love you!
1787
01:43:36,480 --> 01:43:40,180
We wouldn't trade you for any other Daddy
in the whole wide world.
1788
01:43:40,280 --> 01:43:42,660
Did you practice that?
It sounds too good.
1789
01:43:42,760 --> 01:43:43,740
No.
1790
01:43:43,840 --> 01:43:45,285
Hold up, hold up.
1791
01:43:46,280 --> 01:43:48,203
Wait a second, this looks familiar.
1792
01:43:48,640 --> 01:43:49,641
What's wrong?
1793
01:43:49,760 --> 01:43:51,250
There's no way.
1794
01:43:51,720 --> 01:43:54,166
That was all a dream.
It doesn't matter, never mind.
1795
01:43:54,960 --> 01:43:56,041
What is it, Daddy?
1796
01:43:56,360 --> 01:43:57,486
It...
1797
01:44:18,200 --> 01:44:20,328
Babe, we're rich.
1798
01:44:20,960 --> 01:44:24,203
Rich? Why, you've always
been rich, Joe Dirt.
1799
01:44:24,840 --> 01:44:27,320
You just needed
to find that out for yourself.
1800
01:44:31,520 --> 01:44:33,602
Daddy and Mommy!
1801
01:44:34,320 --> 01:44:35,321
That's right!
1802
01:44:36,680 --> 01:44:38,523
Mommy likes me. Come on, let's go.
1803
01:44:39,240 --> 01:44:40,480
Come on, babies.
1804
01:45:09,080 --> 01:45:12,220
He's got a backhoe
it's Caterpillar yellow
1805
01:45:12,320 --> 01:45:15,540
He's a Heller of a feller
a drinking storyteller, with a DUI
1806
01:45:15,640 --> 01:45:17,140
He's illegal to drive
1807
01:45:17,240 --> 01:45:19,891
But he legally drinks
and gets illegally high
1808
01:45:20,560 --> 01:45:25,088
One night, while he's up in the sky
he looked at that backhoe, asked himself
1809
01:45:25,360 --> 01:45:26,361
"Why not?"
1810
01:45:26,480 --> 01:45:30,849
I'm going to drive that thing
It's a loophole, man, the DUI don't pertain
1811
01:45:30,960 --> 01:45:35,045
I'm only driving to the bar
down on Main Street
1812
01:45:35,240 --> 01:45:38,140
Now he's digging
1813
01:45:38,240 --> 01:45:40,940
Got a hot little honey
hanging out of that cab
1814
01:45:41,040 --> 01:45:43,060
Just digging
1815
01:45:43,160 --> 01:45:46,243
Got the windows tinted
and a bass tune hitting
1816
01:45:46,440 --> 01:45:47,885
Digging!
1817
01:45:48,680 --> 01:45:51,580
Creeping past the Po-Po, incognito
1818
01:45:51,680 --> 01:45:54,331
Like Joe Dirt, that's how he's living
1819
01:45:54,440 --> 01:45:57,603
Life's a garden, man
and he's just digging
1820
01:46:06,600 --> 01:46:09,540
Wearing a cat hat with a meow-meow kitty
1821
01:46:09,640 --> 01:46:11,780
Rolls up in the club, pimpin' like Diddy
1822
01:46:11,880 --> 01:46:14,804
With the beer tipping
Just sippin' on suds
1823
01:46:14,920 --> 01:46:16,980
Putting shots back
and tripping with his buds
1824
01:46:17,080 --> 01:46:18,081
No, thank you.
1825
01:46:19,960 --> 01:46:23,931
Old comic books in mint condition
for 10 cents apiece.
1826
01:46:24,320 --> 01:46:25,321
Give old...
1827
01:46:28,400 --> 01:46:31,700
Well, long story short, we stomped
those three dudes so hard
1828
01:46:31,800 --> 01:46:33,689
they got to take
their boots off to piss.
1829
01:46:37,800 --> 01:46:40,121
Anyway, this... Motherfucker!
1830
01:46:40,280 --> 01:46:42,180
Seriously? Seriously?
1831
01:46:42,280 --> 01:46:45,363
- What, is it 2015?
- Oh, my God.
1832
01:46:45,720 --> 01:46:48,929
I thought I had this turned off.
This is embarrassing.
1833
01:46:50,280 --> 01:46:53,329
Joe, I want to talk to you.
1834
01:46:55,320 --> 01:46:59,644
I like you. You have funny hair,
but I like you.
1835
01:47:01,680 --> 01:47:03,330
Hey, funny guy.
1836
01:47:09,760 --> 01:47:12,525
As a matter of fact, if you want to
stay awake right now,
1837
01:47:12,640 --> 01:47:15,260
you'll still be on the road,
in the middle of nowhere.
1838
01:47:15,360 --> 01:47:16,725
Your call. REM.
1839
01:47:22,640 --> 01:47:24,051
That's so stupid.
1840
01:47:24,680 --> 01:47:25,681
No, thank you.
1841
01:47:26,520 --> 01:47:31,367
Man, old comic books in mint condition
for 10 cents apiece.
1842
01:47:32,560 --> 01:47:36,724
You give old Joe Dirt lemonade,
he's gonna give you... Fuck you!
1843
01:47:38,000 --> 01:47:39,411
One more, then I gotta go to lunch.
1844
01:47:40,200 --> 01:47:42,300
Wait, you're twisting stuff.
Like I say something,
1845
01:47:42,400 --> 01:47:43,540
and then you say it back different.
1846
01:47:43,640 --> 01:47:45,881
You're supposed to be
a nice guardian angel, like...
1847
01:47:46,080 --> 01:47:47,730
I don't picture people like you.
1848
01:47:48,440 --> 01:47:50,204
- Anyway, I don't get horny by...
- Let's go.
1849
01:47:52,000 --> 01:47:53,684
I don't get horny...
I'm gonna get it out.
1850
01:47:53,960 --> 01:47:58,602
I don't get horny from animal sex.
But I like Jessica Rabbit.
1851
01:47:59,360 --> 01:48:01,044
- Really?
- She's fuckable, yeah.
1852
01:48:01,160 --> 01:48:03,731
- I kind of get a gay vibe from you.
- Yeah, I've heard that.
1853
01:48:06,880 --> 01:48:08,370
Can someone open this for me?
1854
01:48:09,080 --> 01:48:10,525
Did somebody fart on this?
1855
01:48:11,400 --> 01:48:12,401
What did I do?
1856
01:48:13,400 --> 01:48:16,768
What? Those two farts were accidents.
Wait. No. What?
1857
01:48:18,640 --> 01:48:19,846
"Wait. No. What?"
1858
01:48:20,840 --> 01:48:23,969
What? I have a medical condition.
They did it on purpose.
1859
01:48:27,600 --> 01:48:29,489
Fine. I don't even work here.
1860
01:48:32,080 --> 01:48:35,820
Stuff you actually made up to sound cool
because you were on shrooms,
1861
01:48:35,920 --> 01:48:38,321
but actually makes you sound
like a dipshit.
1862
01:48:38,680 --> 01:48:39,966
So I'm gonna say no.
1863
01:48:40,480 --> 01:48:44,451
Hey, John. I'm up here at Load C.
Some asshole went diarrhea all over the seat.
1864
01:48:44,760 --> 01:48:47,286
Copy that. When can you start?
1865
01:48:51,520 --> 01:48:53,124
- Laugh like me.
- Okay.
1866
01:48:58,200 --> 01:49:00,441
- All right.
- We're good? Okay.
1867
01:49:04,960 --> 01:49:08,282
- That's it. Cut.
- That's a cut.
152704
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