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1
00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:14,170
(INTERCOM CHIMES)
2
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:16,641
(TRAIN AN NOUNCER SPEAKING FRENCH)
3
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:32,369
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
4
00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:37,965
(GRUNTS AND PARTS)
5
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:39,041
(SPEAKS GERMAN)
6
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:42,971
(GRUNTING)
7
00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:51,880
(coucamwe)
8
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:06,527
(GRUNTS)
9
00:02:06,600 --> 00:02:07,726
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
10
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,326
- Could you close the window, please?
- Huh?
11
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:12,050
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
12
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,401
(SNIFFS)
13
00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:28,841
(goueus)
14
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:31,241
(RATTLING NOISILY)
15
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,411
(MOBILE CHIMES)
16
00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:46,361
(SNIFFS)
17
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,482
(WOMAN MOANING ON MOBILE)
18
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:52,371
(CHUCKLES)
19
00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,205
(MUTTERING)
20
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:04,086
(FARTING)
21
00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:11,525
(BLOWS AIR)
22
00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:14,765
(jORG GROANS)
23
00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:22,365
(jORG SNORING)
24
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:34,729
KATH: Oh, it's here, look.
LES: Where?
25
00:03:34,800 --> 00:03:36,325
KATH: Here. Number 9.
26
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:39,128
(WHISPERING) Oh, God,
there's people in here already.
27
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:40,201
LES: So?
28
00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:42,169
- They're asleep.
- It's a sleeper train.
29
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:44,208
What do you expect them to be doing?
Playing Ping-Pong?
30
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:45,805
Keep your voice down. Sorry.
31
00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:49,646
- Er, I'lljust put these away.
- Well, what about these?
32
00:03:49,720 --> 00:03:51,245
Don't want them all creased up
for the wedding.
33
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:54,244
Well, hang them up. Find the ticket,
see which ones are ours.
34
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:55,321
- All right.
- Yeah.
35
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:57,891
(GRUNTS)
36
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:07,201
(u NZIP5)
37
00:04:08,960 --> 00:04:10,689
(UNZIPPING SLOWLY)
38
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:25,641
just get on with it, would you?
I'm trying to sleep.
39
00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:26,721
Yeah, sorry.
40
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,006
(u NZIP5)
41
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:42,284
Here, they've got sinks for brushing
your teeth, but the water's brown.
42
00:04:42,360 --> 00:04:44,681
I don't trust it. Which ones are ours?
43
00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,081
- I can't see.
- I'll put the big light on.
44
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:48,446
_Les!
“Oh!
45
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,485
I think it's these top two,
but there's someone in that one.
46
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:52,641
Oh, you're joking.
47
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,484
Well, it's all right,
we'lljust take these two.
48
00:04:54,560 --> 00:04:57,325
- No, I wanna go on the top.
- Les, you're not six!
49
00:04:57,440 --> 00:04:59,044
It's the only thing
I was looking forward to.
50
00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,487
What, more than your daughter's wedding?
51
00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:03,808
- Let's just wake him up.
- No!
52
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,803
I've already disturbed this gentleman.
53
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:08,929
We'll both go in this one
if you're that fussed. Be an adventure.
54
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,128
It's not the Crystal Maze, you know.
55
00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:13,607
Why did she wanna get married
in France for anyway?
56
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,330
Could have had the back room
at the Cheese for free.
57
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:19,007
(SCOFFS) Because she wanted to wake up
in the French mountains, Les,
58
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,765
not in a pub garden in Bury.
59
00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:23,365
LES: They'd have put on a good spread.
60
00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:25,124
And they'd have an artist
on at the night do.
61
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,326
They'll do a good spread here.
62
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:28,641
You're in France.
Cuisine capital of the world.
63
00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,404
Yeah, well, I'm not eating frogs' legs.
64
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:33,484
Oh, shut up about that.
You have crabs' dicks.
65
00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:36,564
- What?
- You eat crabs' dicks in the pub.
66
00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,644
That's crab sticks, you idiot.
What's a crab's dick?
67
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,002
Well, I don't know.
I thought they were big.
68
00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:43,320
Would you be quiet, please?
69
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:46,404
Sorry, love,
we're just sorting ourselves out.
70
00:05:48,080 --> 00:05:49,844
Yeah. No.
71
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:55,169
Oh, me too, babe. I absolutely stink.
72
00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:58,484
Haven't had a shower since Prague.
(CHUCKLES)
73
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,325
Oh, fuck knows. (CHUCKLES) Hold on.
74
00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:06,123
Awesome. Excuse me, does anyone know
what country we're in?
75
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:07,804
Oh, you're in France, love.
76
00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,645
(SNICKERS) Oh, my God, we're in France.
77
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:14,408
What happened to Austria?
(SNICKERS) Yeah, right.
78
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:17,124
(SNICKERING)
79
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:20,488
Hold on, hold on.
I'm gonna go out in the corridor.
80
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,368
Yeah, I'm in the, er, couchette.
81
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,282
No, it's like a room. Yeah.
82
00:06:27,280 --> 00:06:32,002
Basically a hostel on wheels,
it's so fucked. (SNICKERS) No...
83
00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:37,445
Can you close the door, please?
Excuse me! Excuse me!
84
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:46,451
(SNICKERING)
85
00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:51,405
Ridiculous!
86
00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:53,446
(WHISPERING)
Come on, let's get undressed.
87
00:06:53,520 --> 00:06:55,204
Ah, yeah. (GRUNTS)
88
00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:58,686
KATH: Ow!
89
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:01,481
(BOTH GRUNTING)
90
00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:02,561
(BUMPS) Oh!
91
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:07,844
(BUMPS) Ow!
92
00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:15,769
You... What you doing?
You're gonna rip it. I can't...
93
00:07:15,880 --> 00:07:17,609
- Shh!
- Well, I'm just trying to help!
94
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:19,961
Shh.
95
00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,370
(LES GRUNTING)
96
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:28,849
KATH: What are you doing?
Get your head out.
97
00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,490
(LES BREATHING HEAVILY)
98
00:07:38,120 --> 00:07:39,929
Sorry, but we're gonna
have to wake him up.
99
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,321
- No!
- There's no room!
100
00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:46,331
Hey, excuse me.
101
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:48,050
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
102
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:50,720
- Er, you're in our bed.
- Huh?
103
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,849
Er, you are in my wife's bed.
104
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:57,644
- Ja.
-ja. Is that OK?
105
00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:00,403
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
106
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:04,406
Oh, no, no, no, no, not with you.
You have to go down.
107
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,290
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
108
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:10,409
Don't give him any ideas.
No, er, here...
109
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,525
Er... Er, 9D.
110
00:08:15,720 --> 00:08:16,721
9D.
111
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:21,044
(CONVERSING IN GERMAN)
112
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:31,088
We've started World War III here.
113
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,730
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
114
00:08:32,880 --> 00:08:34,723
Hey, watch those suits, pal.
115
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,968
- The suits! Ignorant.
- Les!
116
00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:39,846
Well, look at him. Barbapapa.
117
00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,045
Thank you, sir.
We don't mean to cause a fuss,
118
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,327
but it's better to get it sorted,
isn't it?
119
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:47,926
Look, I have a very important interview
tomorrow morning.
120
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,650
We have 8 hours and 42 minutes
121
00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,643
before we arrive in Bourg Saint Maurice.
122
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:54,690
I should like to spend
the majority of that time sleeping!
123
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:59,328
Yeah, so would we. Sorry.
(WHISPERING) Go on, Les, shift yourself.
124
00:08:59,720 --> 00:09:03,202
Oh, why do I have to go in,
it's all sweaty and horrible.
125
00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,487
The gentleman'sjust told you
he's trying to get some sleep.
126
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:08,291
Oh, but I'm gonna hang
these suits up first, aren't I?
127
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:14,530
Hey, hey, hey.
These are for our daughter's wedding.
128
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,250
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
129
00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:19,531
'(FARTS)
130
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:20,806
Oh, please!
131
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:32,444
- I'll be quiet now.
- Ahhh!
132
00:09:42,240 --> 00:09:43,571
(SNIFFING)
133
00:09:43,800 --> 00:09:45,290
Oh, it stinks!
134
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,889
- Night-night.
- Night-night.
135
00:09:55,520 --> 00:09:56,521
(LES GRUNTS)
136
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,240
(SNIFFS)
137
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:02,801
(EXHALES)
138
00:10:07,080 --> 00:10:08,570
(ALARM BEEPING)
139
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,404
-(WHISPERING) Les!
- I know, it's my travel alarm.
140
00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:18,451
KATH: Turn it off.
141
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,410
It only lasts 30 seconds, be over soon.
142
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,922
(ALARM GROWS LOUDER)
143
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:30,842
(ALARM BEEPING RAPIDLY)
144
00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:34,441
Not long now.
145
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,480
- Les!
-(ALARM STOPS)
146
00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:39,561
Told ya.
147
00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:51,361
(WHISPERING) just down here.
148
00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:01,771
Excellent.
149
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,448
This is actually much nicer
than first class.
150
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:05,681
Seriously?
151
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:09,082
Yeah, it's a lot more real,
if you know what I mean?
152
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,209
- Here.
-(CAN FIZZES)
153
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,488
It actually reminds me of a hostel
I stayed in out in Phuket.
154
00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:22,087
- The toilets were disgusting.
-(CHUCKLES) I love all that shit.
155
00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:24,561
- Have you done India?
- Oh, yeah, it was awesome.
156
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,041
- I got hepatitis.
- Really? A or B?
157
00:11:27,160 --> 00:11:28,605
- Only A.
- Hmm.
158
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:32,726
Still, my friend Callum
got typhoid in Mumbai.
159
00:11:32,800 --> 00:11:34,928
His parents had to pay
for an air ambulance to get him out.
160
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,365
It was like The Killing Fields.
161
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:40,201
- Shit. Was he OK?
- Yeah, he lost, like, three stone.
162
00:11:40,280 --> 00:11:43,284
He was really pleased.
He was a bit of a blob.
163
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,121
So, erm, what are your impressions
of Europe so far?
164
00:11:48,240 --> 00:11:52,325
Oh, I just love all the history
and buildings and stuff.
165
00:11:52,680 --> 00:11:55,889
- Mmm, what have you seen?
- Erm, what's the one in Belgium
166
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,769
of the little boy with his dick out?
167
00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,849
Erm, Le Mannekin-Pis.
168
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:03,647
Er, designed by Hieronymus Duquesnoy
in 1688, I think.
169
00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:07,242
Yeah, I climbed over the railings and
got a picture of it pissing in my mouth.
170
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:10,847
-(BOTH LAUGH)
- Wow, you're so vile. I love you.
171
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:14,203
Well, if someone lends me
their toilet paper, I'm anybody's.
172
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,285
There's plenty more
where that came from.
173
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,641
-(BOTH LAUGH)
-(jORG GRUNTING)
174
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:22,807
(WHISPERS) Oh, fuck, I keep forgetting
there's other people in here.
175
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:26,362
- Shall we go to your carriage?
- Er, no, actually it's better here.
176
00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:28,169
Yeah. It's a right giggle.
177
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,643
It is now you're here.
178
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,404
Mmm, barbeque sauce.
179
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:38,730
So, erm, how have you found the men
from country to country?
180
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,327
Not that I'm implying you're a slag
or maybe you are. I don't know?
181
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:45,808
No, I am. You could say
I've covered a lot of ground.
182
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:49,202
- Ah, OK. Who comes out on top?
- Well, that depends,
183
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,881
whether we're in the marshy wetlands
or the arid desert.
184
00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:56,846
Can't actually think of a desert
in Europe, other than Tabernas in Spain.
185
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,246
No, I meant up the shitter.
186
00:12:59,160 --> 00:13:00,571
Right, good.
187
00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,051
Are you much of an explorer?
188
00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,089
Er, well, I, er...
I can be quite adventurous.
189
00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:09,970
Potholing in Derbyshire
was properly intense.
190
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,646
So, you're used to going in
pretty deep, then?
191
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,689
Ah, it depends how cavernous
we're talking.
192
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:16,569
- Ooh.
-(BOTH GIGGLING)
193
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,289
Fasten your seatbelts,
it's gonna be a bumpy ride.
194
00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:20,725
- Ooh. (LAUGHS)
-(GASPS)
195
00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:22,087
(YELL5)
196
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,161
- Oh, my God!
- What's going on?
197
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,810
(YELLING) He's dead.
198
00:13:26,880 --> 00:13:29,121
KATH: Someone put big light on.
199
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:31,563
What's going on? Who are you?
200
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,928
I... I was just having a nightcap with,
erm, sorry, I forgot your name.
201
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,411
- Shona.
- Shona.
202
00:13:36,480 --> 00:13:38,130
When, er, this chap fell out of the sky.
203
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,089
Get out of my way. I'm a doctor.
204
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,643
(CONVERSING IN GERMAN)
205
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:46,889
I thought he was very quiet.
206
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:49,440
Is he all right, bud?
207
00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:51,845
- He's dead.
- Oh.
208
00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:52,921
Shittington.
209
00:13:54,760 --> 00:13:57,843
He appears to have some sort
of lesion or blister on his face.
210
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:01,367
- Could be erysipelas...
- Oh, God, sorry. No, that's, erm, mine.
211
00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:04,490
I'lljust, er, take that for later.
212
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:05,687
Fingers crossed, eh?
213
00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:09,011
- What do we do?
- I'll go and find a guard.
214
00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:11,960
Everyone, stay here.
Don't let anyone in or out.
215
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:14,840
(goueus)
216
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,370
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
217
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,286
- What's he say?
- I don't know, something about Shrek.
218
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,691
I thought he looked a bit green.
219
00:14:21,760 --> 00:14:25,401
Oh, it was awful. He was staring at me
with these horrible glazed eyes.
220
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:28,441
Sorry, it's just my sex face.
221
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,681
Do you want to come up here, love,
out of the way of it?
222
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,171
Yeah, thanks.
223
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:37,282
Right, well, I better be heading back
to first class, so...
224
00:14:37,360 --> 00:14:39,567
Oi, oi, hang on, pal. Hang on.
225
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,722
That fella said we've got to wait here
till the guard comes.
226
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,201
Oh, I just didn't want to get...
Shirley?
227
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:48,007
- Shona.
- Shona. Shona into, er, any trouble.
228
00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:49,884
Late night romps, etcetera.
229
00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:52,327
Is that what you were doing?
In a room full of people?
230
00:14:52,400 --> 00:14:54,482
I'm sure you would have
just slept through it.
231
00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,530
- You know about that, Kath.
-(BOTH LAUGH)
232
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:01,051
Hey, what's he doing?
Hey, hey. What's the idea, pal?
233
00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:02,930
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
234
00:15:03,360 --> 00:15:04,885
Here, get your fingers out of him.
235
00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:09,930
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
236
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:16,766
Oh, he had grandkids, look.
237
00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:20,128
His poor family.
They don't even know yet.
238
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:24,446
Hey, it's like we're the kids in
Stand By Me- Bags I River Phoenix.
239
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:27,841
Good film.
240
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:33,202
Couldn't find anybody.
All the, er, carriages are closed.
241
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:35,442
Oh, they're never around
when you need them, are they?
242
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:38,410
There has to be someone,
it's not Runaway Train.
243
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,130
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
244
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:48,690
What are you saying? Speak English.
245
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:51,286
Well, he's proposing
we use the emergency stop.
246
00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:52,361
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
247
00:15:52,440 --> 00:15:55,011
Well, can I do that?
I've always wanted to smash one of them.
248
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,128
- Oh, don't cut your hands.
- No, I won't.
249
00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,449
Cos I'm gonna use one of your shoes.
250
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:01,569
Eh, I got them from Next.
251
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,404
I haven't got a ticket!
252
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,080
- What?
- Can't stop the train,
253
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,845
I don't have a ticket.
I'm sort of a stowaway.
254
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:11,803
(CONVERSING IN GERMAN)
255
00:16:15,440 --> 00:16:17,522
You told me you were in first class.
256
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:20,524
Sorry, I lied. I'm completely broke.
257
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,411
You bastard! So what,
you just hang around the toilets
258
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,211
waiting for an Australian slapper
to offer you a bed, is that it?
259
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:27,486
Yeah, pretty much.
260
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,682
Well, listen, I'm sorry, pal,
I'm smashing it.
261
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,524
- Oh.
- LES: We've got a dead body here.
262
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:36,047
Well, I have to declare an interest.
Erm, tomorrow morning
263
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:39,090
I have an interview at
the World Health Organization in Geneva.
264
00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:41,965
- What do you want, a round of applause?
- Well, if we stop the train,
265
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:44,486
there will be a major delay
and I will miss my appointment,
266
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,325
an appointment that has taken me
18 months to arrange.
267
00:16:47,400 --> 00:16:49,607
- What are you saying here?
- Well, this man has been dead
268
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:53,127
for at least four hours, another three
or four will not make any difference.
269
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:55,208
What, you want to just leave him there?
270
00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:59,325
Well, I propose we put him back to bed,
erm, continue the journey without delay
271
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:02,085
and have the guards find the poor
gentleman first thing tomorrow morning.
272
00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:03,884
Oh, that doesn't sound right.
273
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:05,928
Don't they have to examine the body
like a Quincy?
274
00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:08,810
Oh, exactly, yeah. They have to find out
the cause of death.
275
00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:11,611
Apparently, when you hang yourself,
you get an erection.
276
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:15,445
Sorry, irrelevant.
277
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,406
Well, there's nothing we can do for him.
It's probably a heart attack.
278
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:19,891
It really would mean the world to me
279
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:22,884
if we could just finish this journey
without interruption.
280
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:27,170
Sorry, am I going mad here?
Are you suggesting we all just bunk up
281
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:29,971
with a rotting corpse so you can make
your interview in the morning?
282
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,327
Yeah, it's ridiculous.
Smash the glass, Les.
283
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,811
Right, er...
284
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,926
We have got
our Leanne's wedding tomorrow.
285
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:42,082
I mean, what if he's right
and we end up late?
286
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,806
Well, the day-do's not until 12:00,
we'll easily make that.
287
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,328
Will we, though?
What if they don't let anyone off?
288
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:52,246
He rolled out of bed dead,
it's not Murder on the Orient Express.
289
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:53,560
Oh, another good film.
290
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,610
I'm fairly confident
that if we do alert the authorities,
291
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,001
we both will miss
our respective engagements.
292
00:17:59,080 --> 00:18:02,971
Exactly! Look, they'll find him
in a couple of hours anyway.
293
00:18:03,080 --> 00:18:04,366
We'll be gone and that's that.
294
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:06,525
I have to say I agree.
295
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,882
Good. Er, well, I'lljust explain
the situation to our German friend
296
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:12,644
so we're all on the same page.
297
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:13,960
(GRUNTS)
298
00:18:16,600 --> 00:18:18,364
Oh, come on, Kath.
We've come all this way.
299
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:19,965
We don't wanna let our Leanne down.
300
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:23,771
Will you give us a minute, please, love?
301
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:26,846
Sure.
302
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,645
- Do you want a hand?
- Are you still here?
303
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,326
Why don't you go back to first class?
304
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:37,688
Well, I thought
now there's a spare bunk going
305
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,967
I might as well get my head down
for a couple of hours.
306
00:18:40,040 --> 00:18:41,451
- What?
- Oh.
307
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:45,169
Unless you want to pick up
from where we left off?
308
00:18:45,320 --> 00:18:49,086
That's been on a dead man's face.
Have some respect.
309
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:51,524
Sorry. Too soon.
310
00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:54,124
I can't believe what I'm hearing, Les.
311
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:56,043
I don't know who you are? Who are ya?
312
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:58,248
Oh, look, I'm just a man
313
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:01,244
who wants to walk his daughter
down the aisle on her wedding day.
314
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,971
Yeah, having slept with a dead body
the night before.
315
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,760
Been doing that for the last 25 years.
(CHUCKLES)
316
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:08,281
It was a joke.
317
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:12,005
Oh, come on, Kath,
if that Aussie bird hadn't had screamed,
318
00:19:12,080 --> 00:19:14,003
you'd have slept through it
and been none the wiser.
319
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:17,963
We don't even know who the man is.
It's no difference to us.
320
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:19,804
Imagine if that was you?
321
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,487
Slung in a corner and ignored because
it's more convenient for everybody else.
322
00:19:23,560 --> 00:19:25,164
Shame on you, Les Cook!
323
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:27,448
Yeah, do you not think
you're overreacting?
324
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:30,007
No, I think I've just woken up.
325
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:32,810
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
326
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:34,966
Is he all right?
327
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,042
Yes, just a little bit compacted,
that's all.
328
00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:38,770
Too much beer and bratwurst probably.
329
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:40,690
That should get him moving again.
330
00:19:40,760 --> 00:19:44,731
Now, I really do think we ought to put
the cadaver back where we found it.
331
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,565
Cadaver? He was a human being, you know.
332
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:49,001
Sorry?
333
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,890
He had a family,
he's not a piece of meat.
334
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:56,810
Ah, yes, of course. Erm, would anyone
like to say a few words?
335
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,490
Yeah, I would.
336
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:04,761
This man was a husband,
337
00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:07,127
a father and a grandfather.
338
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,762
He always had a smile for everyone.
339
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:12,569
And he had a wicked sense of humour.
(CHUCKLES)
340
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,762
Well, I mean,
we don't actually know that.
341
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,881
- I'm going by the picture.
- Right.
342
00:20:19,440 --> 00:20:24,082
He loved sitting in his green chair,
his family all around him.
343
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:27,690
Yeah, he loved to drink, who doesn't?
(CHUCKLES)
344
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,444
But the main thing is...
345
00:20:30,400 --> 00:20:31,731
He was a man.
346
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:34,531
That's it.
347
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:37,961
Great.
348
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,287
Ah, good. Well, er, shall we, erm...
349
00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:44,285
(BOTH GRUNTING)
350
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:46,691
That's it.
351
00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:56,884
Oh! Not my first time handling a stiff.
Boarding school.
352
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:58,161
Oh.
353
00:20:58,520 --> 00:21:02,047
There and that leaves
3 hours and 52 minutes.
354
00:21:02,400 --> 00:21:06,246
Good. Er, could you, um, get the light,
please, Mrs, erm...
355
00:21:06,320 --> 00:21:07,446
LES: Cook.
356
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:11,442
Thank you. Well, good night.
357
00:21:20,320 --> 00:21:23,005
- Shirley, did we decide to...
- Fuck off!
358
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:24,491
OK, right.
359
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:27,247
(EXHALES)
360
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,164
Hope you don't mind
a bit of spooning, pal?
361
00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:36,321
(GRUNTING)
362
00:21:54,920 --> 00:21:56,649
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
363
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,767
(WHISPERING) Night, Kath. Kath?
364
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:24,730
You all right?
365
00:22:38,120 --> 00:22:39,406
(SNORING)
366
00:22:40,360 --> 00:22:44,126
It's been a very moving service,
even the wedding cake was in "tiers".
367
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:45,531
(CHUCKLES)
368
00:22:45,600 --> 00:22:49,241
Er, yes, er, Leanne has known Phil
for 14 years now,
369
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:52,005
which is funny because I don't
remember her breaking two mirrors.
370
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:54,203
- Shh!
- Oh, soz, mate, soz.
371
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,089
I'm, er, practising me speech.
372
00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,447
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Oh, getting a bit nervous.
373
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,443
Oh, I'm sure you'll do just fine.
374
00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:03,490
Big day for both of us, eh?
What's your interview for?
375
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:06,091
Pharmaceutical development.
376
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:07,846
Oh, right.
377
00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,526
WHO are offering a sizeable grant
378
00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:13,968
for research into the degenerative
effects of angina.
379
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:18,728
If my bid is chosen,
it could be life-changing.
380
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:22,129
Yeah, that's exactly like me
and my decorating.
381
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:27,003
When I give a quote for, well,
back bedrooms, say, I've gotta think,
382
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:30,050
you know, "What's the other fella
coming in at and how can I undercut him
383
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:32,805
"without looking like a twat?"
Do you know what I mean?
384
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:35,729
Yes, it's similar.
385
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:39,204
Yeah, well, good luck, pal,
I hope you get it.
386
00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:41,526
I'm optimistic.
387
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:44,447
My Aunty Gladys had acute angina.
388
00:23:45,400 --> 00:23:47,607
Her tits weren't bad either. (LAUGHING)
389
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:54,926
Hey, do you remember that, Kath? Kath?
Where's she gone?
390
00:23:55,240 --> 00:23:56,685
-(BRAKES SCREECHING)
-(HORN HONKING)
391
00:23:57,720 --> 00:23:59,563
(GAS PS) Ah h h!
392
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:00,846
(jORG SPEAKING GERMAN)
393
00:24:00,920 --> 00:24:03,400
-(GRU NTS AND FARTS)
- You OK?
394
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:05,403
Has anyone seen our Kath?
She's just disappeared.
395
00:24:05,480 --> 00:24:07,926
- Get him off me!
-(SPEAKING GERMAN)
396
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:09,201
(GRUNTS)
397
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:12,365
- Er, sorry, love, have you seen me wife?
- No, what's happened?
398
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:13,646
If she stopped this train...
399
00:24:13,760 --> 00:24:15,489
LES: She wouldn't do that.
400
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,369
- What are you doing?
-(SPEAKING GERMAN)
401
00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:20,360
- Do you need the toilet?
- Someone get him some paper.
402
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:22,727
Ah, ne/n! (FARTING AND GRUNTING)
403
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:24,290
- Hold on!
- There's something on the tracks.
404
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,762
- Hey, that's our Kath's shoe box.
- What is it?
405
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,571
- I can't... Looks like a body.
- What? Who?
406
00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:32,483
Is she's jumped,
we'll be here for hours.
407
00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:35,243
-(FARTING)
- God,no!
408
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:37,049
- It... It's not her, is it?
- I can't see.
409
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,691
Of course it's her.
The stupid cow's cost me my job!
410
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,849
Shut up, you! This is all your fault!
411
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,843
OK, keep still. Here it comes.
412
00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:45,524
(DEFECATING)
413
00:24:45,600 --> 00:24:46,886
(GAGGING)
414
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:50,651
- Stay away from me!
- I can see they're bringing it out.
415
00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:54,006
Try and aim away
from the dead man's face!
416
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:55,764
- I can see blood!
- So can I!
417
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,968
- Oh, ya bastard!
- Leave me alone!
418
00:24:58,040 --> 00:24:59,530
(GROANING)
419
00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,371
- We're gonna need a bigger box!
- It's... It's a deer.
420
00:25:05,120 --> 00:25:06,121
Les, what's happening?
421
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:08,491
And what is that smell?
422
00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:13,050
You might need to get some new shoes.
423
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,966
Well, that was just a 32-minute delay.
Not too bad at all.
424
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:29,728
Try saying that to all the little fawns
who have just lost their mother.
425
00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:32,883
I'm sorry, I don't speak deer.
I'm not Doctor Dolittle.
426
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:34,530
Well, you are to me.
427
00:25:38,640 --> 00:25:42,167
- Is he OK?
- Yeah, he'sjust hosing himself down.
428
00:25:42,680 --> 00:25:44,364
God, that was pretty traumatic.
429
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:47,603
- Yeah, he must be mortified.
- No, I meant for me.
430
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:49,804
I felt like Augustus Gloop.
431
00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:54,130
- Thanks for lending me the t-shirt.
- No worries.
432
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:57,731
I don't know how
I'm gonna get it back to you.
433
00:25:57,800 --> 00:26:00,371
Well, where are you headed to next?
434
00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:03,324
I thought I'd lost you there, Kath.
435
00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:07,962
Don't be daft. I'm not gonna kill myself
on day of me daughter's wedding, am I?
436
00:26:08,920 --> 00:26:11,207
You're feeling better about it now?
437
00:26:11,720 --> 00:26:14,166
We've robbed that man of dignity
in his final moments
438
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,686
and for that,
I will never forgive myself.
439
00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,807
You're not gonna say anything, are you?
440
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:25,330
No. But, after the wedding,
I want you to find out who that man was,
441
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,687
where his family live
and we're gonna go to the funeral.
442
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:29,842
- That's what I want.
- Right.
443
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,569
Who's paying for that?
444
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:36,769
Right, well, we're off.
Enjoy the wedding.
445
00:26:36,880 --> 00:26:40,202
Oh, thanks, love. Hey, it's at
the Pavillion Hotel in Vallandry
446
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:42,009
if you wanted to pop in for a drink?
447
00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:45,010
Ah, no, I think
we're gonna go exploring, aren't we?
448
00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:47,447
Yeah, can't wait to see those valleys.
449
00:26:48,760 --> 00:26:50,091
Is someone going to...
450
00:26:50,160 --> 00:26:53,209
Yes, I'll, er, inform the guard.
Nice to meet you.
451
00:27:00,920 --> 00:27:02,206
(INTERCOM CHIMES)
452
00:27:02,800 --> 00:27:05,201
(TRAIN AN NOUNCER SPEAKING FRENCH)
453
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:08,642
Well, er, good luck with your interview.
454
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:09,926
- Oh, thank you.
- I hope you get it.
455
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,047
- Yes.
- Yeah.
456
00:27:11,120 --> 00:27:13,327
And if you ever need
any decorating doing...
457
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,051
- Ah, yes, I have your card.
-(CHUCKLES)
458
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:18,890
(MOBILE RINGS)
459
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:20,161
Hello?
460
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:21,651
- Come on, Les.
- Yes.
461
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:25,681
- MAN: This is Dr Maxwell?
- Yes, this is Dr Maxwell.
462
00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:28,287
I'm your driver. I'm at the car park.
463
00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:31,887
Ah, yes, er, we're just pulling
into the station now.
464
00:27:31,960 --> 00:27:33,200
Sorry about the delay.
465
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:36,648
We're also waiting for
the other candidate, a Dr Meyer.
466
00:27:36,720 --> 00:27:38,085
He's on the same train.
467
00:27:38,160 --> 00:27:41,448
Really?
Oh, well, I'll keep my eye open for him.
468
00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:43,691
See you shortly.
469
00:27:45,440 --> 00:27:47,886
I'm terribly sorry about all this,
but there really could ever be
470
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:52,363
one candidate for this grant.
Goodbye, Dr Meyer.
471
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:54,606
NR6: ja?
472
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,563
(CONVERSING IN GERMAN)
473
00:28:03,680 --> 00:28:06,331
No, no, Dr Meyer was in 9B.
474
00:28:06,400 --> 00:28:09,006
Neun B, I checked.
475
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,323
(CONVERSING IN GERMAN)
476
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:21,885
Yes, so do I.
477
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:25,766
Ah, Dr Maxwell! Sehrgut/ (LAUGHS)
478
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(SPEAKING GERMAN)
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-/Q_
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(SPEAKING GERMAN)
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00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:35,170
May the best man win! (LAUGHING)
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