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1
00:00:06,900 --> 00:00:08,170
(cool jazz music)
2
00:00:08,233 --> 00:00:10,233
MARK: John Hunchmanand David Purefoy.
3
00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:11,430
How you boys been?
4
00:00:11,500 --> 00:00:13,670
Man, oh, man,
look at you guys.
5
00:00:13,733 --> 00:00:15,003
Hunchman, you still got
6
00:00:15,066 --> 00:00:16,596
that backpack
with pink stripes?
7
00:00:16,666 --> 00:00:17,966
You know, the one from
the eighth grade?
8
00:00:18,033 --> 00:00:19,033
‐Uh‐huh.
‐Remember that one?
9
00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:20,930
As I've told you before,
no, I do not.
10
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,370
(laughs)
11
00:00:22,433 --> 00:00:24,203
We used to kill him over
that backpack, huh, Dave?
12
00:00:24,266 --> 00:00:25,396
‐(chuckles)
‐Right?
13
00:00:25,466 --> 00:00:27,726
Damn, pink stripes,
you kidding me?
14
00:00:27,800 --> 00:00:29,170
‐On a backpack?
‐Yeah.
15
00:00:29,233 --> 00:00:30,973
Those pink stripes
were pretty bad.
16
00:00:31,033 --> 00:00:32,503
Hey, what's new with you,
Pure‐if?
17
00:00:32,566 --> 00:00:34,296
‐What's up?
‐You know, I'm chilling.
18
00:00:34,366 --> 00:00:36,926
I got a cool thing going
with a lady.
19
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:40,230
Oh, prithee do tell, young lad.
20
00:00:40,300 --> 00:00:41,600
Ugh, prithee no thank you.
21
00:00:41,666 --> 00:00:45,266
Casual, hot, don't have
to spend money on her.
22
00:00:45,333 --> 00:00:47,833
‐Don't have to spend the night.
‐Real chivalrous, David.
23
00:00:47,900 --> 00:00:49,370
And she's a total freak too.
24
00:00:49,433 --> 00:00:53,133
She had me take one of those
big, blue ceramic dogs‐‐
25
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,530
‐Hey, old man.
‐Uh‐‐
26
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:56,670
No one wants to hear
about your sex life
27
00:00:56,733 --> 00:00:57,903
with your droopy balls.
28
00:00:57,966 --> 00:00:59,296
Wait, who are you again?
29
00:00:59,366 --> 00:01:01,966
I'm Lance, and don't you
forget the name.
30
00:01:02,033 --> 00:01:03,503
It's Lance.
31
00:01:03,566 --> 00:01:05,996
Uh, Lance is my client.
He's the reason y'all are here.
32
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:07,396
I pay y'all by the hour, right?
33
00:01:07,466 --> 00:01:09,466
So stop wasting my time
with this bullshit
34
00:01:09,533 --> 00:01:11,633
about pink backpacks
and whatever skank
35
00:01:11,700 --> 00:01:13,200
this old‐ass loser's
hooking up with.
36
00:01:13,266 --> 00:01:15,026
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,
she's not a skank.
37
00:01:15,100 --> 00:01:17,500
Uh, she's with you, right?
So she's a skank.
38
00:01:17,566 --> 00:01:20,596
Okay, okay, settle down, Lance.
Just relax.
39
00:01:20,666 --> 00:01:24,826
Uh, look, Lance, why don't you
explain your situation
40
00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:26,530
to our colleagues.
41
00:01:26,600 --> 00:01:29,570
Pay attention.
42
00:01:29,633 --> 00:01:33,073
Me and my mom live alone.
Someone's harassing us.
43
00:01:33,133 --> 00:01:34,503
It happens at night.
44
00:01:34,566 --> 00:01:35,696
(wood crashes)
45
00:01:35,766 --> 00:01:37,096
Furniture crashing.
46
00:01:37,166 --> 00:01:38,096
(floor creaking)
47
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:40,296
Creaky floor.
48
00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:42,796
Drippy faucet even thoughI turned that shit off.
49
00:01:42,866 --> 00:01:44,026
(ghostly moan)
50
00:01:44,100 --> 00:01:46,130
Creepy moaning.‐Uh‐huh.
51
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,270
You know, it sounds
like it could be a‐‐
52
00:01:47,333 --> 00:01:49,203
A ghost?
Yeah, no duh.
53
00:01:49,266 --> 00:01:50,996
It's a ghost.
‐I was gonna say your mom.
54
00:01:51,066 --> 00:01:52,196
What'd you say about my mom?
55
00:01:52,266 --> 00:01:53,226
DAVID:
No, I don't mean it like that.
56
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:54,700
You think my mom is a ghost?
57
00:01:54,766 --> 00:01:55,796
No, I'm just saying‐‐
58
00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:57,796
She works two jobs
just to provide for me.
59
00:01:57,866 --> 00:02:00,696
Keep talking 'bout my mom.
See what happens.
60
00:02:00,766 --> 00:02:03,026
Oh, okay, easy, son, easy.
61
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:04,730
Damn, we got
a live one here, boys.
62
00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:06,030
(chuckles)
63
00:02:06,100 --> 00:02:07,900
I'll straight murk you,
you Angela Lansbury,
64
00:02:07,966 --> 00:02:08,996
old‐ass looking bitch.
65
00:02:09,066 --> 00:02:11,096
Okay, okay,
let's focus please.
66
00:02:11,166 --> 00:02:12,966
Uh, Taggy, what do you
want us to do?
67
00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,633
Well, serve papers like always.
68
00:02:14,700 --> 00:02:17,530
Well, okay, but to whom
are we serving these papers?
69
00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:20,070
To the ghost.
Damn, y'all are dense.
70
00:02:20,133 --> 00:02:21,503
What, seriously?
71
00:02:21,566 --> 00:02:24,966
My mom says it's a ghost,
and I always protect my mom,
72
00:02:25,033 --> 00:02:26,573
so I'm suing it.
73
00:02:26,633 --> 00:02:30,033
First ever ghost lawsuit‐‐
lawyer hall of fame, me.
74
00:02:30,100 --> 00:02:31,600
♪♪ ♪♪
75
00:02:31,666 --> 00:02:32,626
Okay.
76
00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:33,930
You know Kendra
at Skull and Sage?
77
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,430
Yeah, the dumb new age shop
where dog food city used to be.
78
00:02:36,500 --> 00:02:38,870
Oh, don't say "new age"
around Kendra.
79
00:02:38,933 --> 00:02:40,573
She'll put a hex on your ass.
80
00:02:40,633 --> 00:02:43,073
Anyway, Kendra's got
one of them thingamajigs
81
00:02:43,133 --> 00:02:45,033
for texting with ghosts
and witches and whatnot.
82
00:02:45,100 --> 00:02:46,170
You're talking
about a Woojoo board?
83
00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:47,273
MARK: Yeah, that's it.
84
00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:48,233
(chuckles)
This is ridiculous.
85
00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:50,230
‐What'd you say?
‐Um, nothing.
86
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:51,970
All right, here's the summons.
87
00:02:52,033 --> 00:02:53,573
Lance'll take you boys
to his house
88
00:02:53,633 --> 00:02:56,333
once it's dark out.
Kendra will meet you there.
89
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,730
Use her Woojoo board to contact
the ghost, then serve him
90
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,870
and tell that undead,
see‐through son of a gun
91
00:03:01,933 --> 00:03:04,603
I'll be seeing him in court.
What could go wrong?
92
00:03:04,666 --> 00:03:05,566
(thunder crashes)
93
00:03:05,633 --> 00:03:08,573
(dramatic music)
94
00:03:08,633 --> 00:03:11,733
♪♪ ♪♪
95
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:15,300
So, Lance,
what grade are you in?
96
00:03:15,366 --> 00:03:17,066
You know what sucks
about this ghost?
97
00:03:17,133 --> 00:03:18,873
I can't physically
beat the shit out of it
98
00:03:18,933 --> 00:03:21,433
because it's mist or some shit.
99
00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:25,030
Oh, I would love to just wail
on this motherfucker.
100
00:03:25,100 --> 00:03:26,400
Dude, I hear you.
It's just‐‐
101
00:03:26,466 --> 00:03:28,096
‐Man, shut up.
‐Okay.
102
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:30,466
Wish I still had
my butterfly knife.
103
00:03:30,533 --> 00:03:31,373
I don't.
104
00:03:31,433 --> 00:03:32,733
‐Take a right here.
‐Okay.
105
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:33,700
Last house on the left.
106
00:03:33,766 --> 00:03:35,526
(owl hoots)
107
00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:37,170
♪♪ ♪♪
108
00:03:37,233 --> 00:03:39,273
Uh, are you sure
this is it, Lance?
109
00:03:39,333 --> 00:03:41,333
(chuckles)
Yes, I'm sure.
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00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,200
It's my damn house
where I live,
111
00:03:43,266 --> 00:03:45,766
you stupid
fucking piece of shit.
112
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:48,600
There's Kendra.
Let's go.
113
00:03:48,666 --> 00:03:49,796
John, I gotta
tell you something.
114
00:03:49,866 --> 00:03:52,126
No, David, not now.
Let's just get this over with.
115
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,230
It's bad.
It's gonna be bad.
116
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:56,270
David, relax.
It's gonna be fine.
117
00:03:56,333 --> 00:03:58,233
Hey, y'all.
I'm Kendra.
118
00:03:58,300 --> 00:03:59,970
You ready
for your Woojoo session?
119
00:04:00,033 --> 00:04:01,103
Ah, well, if we said no,
120
00:04:01,166 --> 00:04:02,696
"Woojoo" hold it
against us, Kendra?
121
00:04:02,766 --> 00:04:03,696
(chuckles)
122
00:04:03,766 --> 00:04:05,166
Please don't joke.
123
00:04:05,233 --> 00:04:07,173
Humor is a sign
of spiritual weakness.
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00:04:07,233 --> 00:04:08,403
(groans quietly)
125
00:04:08,466 --> 00:04:09,666
We wanna have
a successful session.
126
00:04:09,733 --> 00:04:11,233
Come on, attic's upstairs.
127
00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:12,530
(spooky music)
128
00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,030
Ooh, I wanna go home.
129
00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:17,400
♪♪ ♪♪
130
00:04:17,466 --> 00:04:18,666
(thunder cracks)
131
00:04:18,733 --> 00:04:22,003
So tonight we'll be
using this Woojoo board
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00:04:22,066 --> 00:04:23,996
made from sustainably
forested cedar.
133
00:04:24,066 --> 00:04:24,966
Sure.
134
00:04:25,033 --> 00:04:26,503
It's paired
with these hematite crystals
135
00:04:26,566 --> 00:04:28,266
and this locally sourced
goat's blood.
136
00:04:28,333 --> 00:04:30,273
‐All right, that's disgusting.
‐Whoa.
137
00:04:30,333 --> 00:04:33,903
This is to purify
our intention.
138
00:04:33,966 --> 00:04:36,066
‐What is this exactly?
‐Fairy pus.
139
00:04:36,133 --> 00:04:37,233
‐Oh!
‐Ugh, okay.
140
00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:38,230
Don't worry.
It's organic.
141
00:04:38,300 --> 00:04:39,600
That's not my concern.
142
00:04:39,666 --> 00:04:41,596
‐Place your fingers like this.
‐JOHN: Ugh.
143
00:04:41,666 --> 00:04:44,866
Remember, don't move it.
The spirit does.
144
00:04:44,933 --> 00:04:47,233
‐Empty your intention.
‐Okay.
145
00:04:47,300 --> 00:04:48,630
‐Sure.
‐Done.
146
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:50,970
No, hang on, I haven't emptied
my intention yet, David.
147
00:04:51,033 --> 00:04:52,473
‐Come on, hurry up.
‐Wait, please.
148
00:04:52,533 --> 00:04:54,003
How hard is it
not to think about anything?
149
00:04:54,066 --> 00:04:55,066
Just empty your goddamn...
‐Stop.
150
00:04:55,133 --> 00:04:56,133
‐Intention!
‐Stop interrupting.
151
00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:57,130
‐Let's go!
‐I wanna do it right.
152
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,970
Just wait for me.
(chuckles)
153
00:04:59,033 --> 00:05:01,073
And there we go.
Now it's empty.
154
00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:02,373
Such a dick.
155
00:05:03,266 --> 00:05:04,966
(sighs)
Do you feel it?
156
00:05:05,033 --> 00:05:06,203
‐Feel what?
‐Feel what?
157
00:05:06,266 --> 00:05:09,366
The sacred portal opening.
Begin.
158
00:05:09,433 --> 00:05:11,473
‐May I please speak to the‐‐
‐Please don't yell.
159
00:05:11,533 --> 00:05:12,803
‐Oh.
‐Please don't yell.
160
00:05:12,866 --> 00:05:13,996
‐Excuse me.
‐Thank you.
161
00:05:14,066 --> 00:05:15,826
Um, may I please speak
to the entity
162
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,800
residing at the home
of Lance DeLuca?
163
00:05:17,866 --> 00:05:19,366
Hello?
Oh, whoa.
164
00:05:19,433 --> 00:05:21,573
I am
165
00:05:21,633 --> 00:05:25,633
the g‐gho‐‐
166
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,800
ghost.
167
00:05:27,866 --> 00:05:29,366
I am the ghost?
168
00:05:29,433 --> 00:05:32,073
‐Good Lord, it worked.
‐Told you.
169
00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:35,003
Okay, uh, ghost,
you've been served.
170
00:05:35,066 --> 00:05:36,526
You should hire a lawyer.
171
00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:37,630
Boom!
172
00:05:37,700 --> 00:05:39,630
How you like that, ghost?
173
00:05:39,700 --> 00:05:40,930
(scream)
174
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,930
(wood creaking)
175
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:46,500
♪♪ ♪♪
176
00:05:46,566 --> 00:05:48,066
Babe, I'm home!
177
00:05:48,133 --> 00:05:50,103
(gasps)
That's my mom!
178
00:05:50,166 --> 00:05:51,266
We're up here, Mommy.
179
00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:52,733
‐Dude, it was me.
‐What?
180
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:53,900
I am the ghost.
181
00:05:53,966 --> 00:05:55,366
I recognized the house
when we pulled up.
182
00:05:55,433 --> 00:05:57,403
Lance's mom is the lady
I've been hooking up with.
183
00:05:57,466 --> 00:05:59,396
Oh, you‐‐you were
moving the Wooj‐‐‐
184
00:05:59,466 --> 00:06:03,126
‐DAVID: Yes.
‐JOHN: Oh, oh, okay, wow.
185
00:06:03,200 --> 00:06:04,330
The furniture crashing‐‐
186
00:06:04,400 --> 00:06:05,870
DAVID: It's probablywhen we had coitus
187
00:06:05,933 --> 00:06:08,003
in this old, wooden chair.He must have heard it.
188
00:06:08,066 --> 00:06:09,126
JOHN: Creaky floor?
189
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,130
DAVID:It's probably me walking
190
00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:11,600
to the bathroom after coitus.
191
00:06:11,666 --> 00:06:13,166
JOHN: Drippy fauceteven though‐‐
192
00:06:13,233 --> 00:06:15,533
DAVID: I probably didn't turnoff the water after coitus.
193
00:06:15,600 --> 00:06:19,100
Okay, and the creepy moaning?
That was you during coitus?
194
00:06:19,166 --> 00:06:21,066
Uh, no, actually,
it's me moaning
195
00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:23,073
when Tracey said no cuddling
and kicked me out
196
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:24,433
and said I had to go home.
197
00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:26,230
But I thought you were
just using her for sex and‐‐
198
00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:27,970
It's more complicated
than that.
199
00:06:28,033 --> 00:06:29,133
‐I don't‐‐
‐Oh, okay.
200
00:06:29,200 --> 00:06:30,730
Look, the point is,
Lance already hates me.
201
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:32,370
If he finds out I've
been screwing his mommy‐‐
202
00:06:32,433 --> 00:06:34,433
‐Ugh.
‐I gotta go.
203
00:06:34,500 --> 00:06:36,970
Lance, honey, what are you
doing up here?
204
00:06:37,033 --> 00:06:40,273
Shh, shh,
everything's gonna be okay.
205
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:43,003
We had a séance.
No more ghosts.
206
00:06:43,066 --> 00:06:45,326
‐Jesus, what is that?
‐What?
207
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:47,070
(gasps)
It's him!
208
00:06:47,133 --> 00:06:48,573
(thunder cracks)
209
00:06:48,633 --> 00:06:50,673
Stand back, people.
(cracks knuckles)
210
00:06:50,733 --> 00:06:52,303
I'm 'bout to beat up a ghost.
211
00:06:52,366 --> 00:06:53,996
Lance, no!
‐TRACEY: Oh, Lance, baby, no.
212
00:06:54,066 --> 00:06:55,426
Not again.
DAVID: Ow!
213
00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:57,030
TRACEY: Lance, no, no, no.
‐(grunts)
214
00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,770
‐DAVID: (moaning)
‐Wait, who is this?
215
00:06:59,833 --> 00:07:02,433
ALL: (gasp)
David Purefoy!
216
00:07:02,500 --> 00:07:03,900
Fuck!
217
00:07:03,966 --> 00:07:06,366
‐Hi, Tracey.
‐What is going on?
218
00:07:06,433 --> 00:07:08,733
Well, you told me
all those noises I was hearing
219
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,500
at night were from a ghost.
220
00:07:10,566 --> 00:07:12,966
I wanted to protect you,
so I sued it.
221
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,873
‐Sued who now?
‐The ghost.
222
00:07:14,933 --> 00:07:18,573
‐Duh, Mommy.
‐Oh...wow.
223
00:07:18,633 --> 00:07:21,333
Wait a second.
How do you know this pervert?
224
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:23,170
Well, now, it's complicated.
225
00:07:23,233 --> 00:07:24,673
(sighs)
Do you guys have some ice?
226
00:07:24,733 --> 00:07:25,703
‐Hold up.
‐Ow.
227
00:07:25,766 --> 00:07:28,466
Somebody tell me
what the fuck is going on.
228
00:07:28,533 --> 00:07:30,573
Okay, honey,
you remember when Mommy
229
00:07:30,633 --> 00:07:32,233
was crying by herself
in the bathroom
230
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:33,700
about two weeks ago?
231
00:07:33,766 --> 00:07:37,266
Huh, and to think there was
a brief, stupid moment
232
00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:39,303
where I actually believed
in ghosts.
233
00:07:39,366 --> 00:07:42,166
Oh, you're too cool
to believe in the occult.
234
00:07:42,233 --> 00:07:45,233
No, I believe
in human stupidity.
235
00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:47,270
Exhibit A.
Case closed.
236
00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:48,533
Well, then you
won't mind if I put
237
00:07:48,600 --> 00:07:50,700
a berserker avenging spell
on your anus.
238
00:07:50,766 --> 00:07:52,266
(chuckles)
Oh, no.
239
00:07:52,333 --> 00:07:54,173
Knock yourself out.
240
00:07:54,233 --> 00:07:55,433
Herper.
Done.
241
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,070
‐That's the whole spell?
‐Yeah.
242
00:07:57,133 --> 00:07:58,373
You're in for a long night.
243
00:07:58,433 --> 00:07:59,373
You don't wanna give me
a little bit more,
244
00:07:59,433 --> 00:08:00,573
I mean, do a little show?
245
00:08:00,633 --> 00:08:01,733
LANCE: Wait a second.
246
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:06,430
You have been fucking my mommy?
247
00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:12,733
(cool jazz music)
248
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:16,530
Getting punched by a teenager
is a total bummer.
249
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,800
Oh, well, come on, David.
It's not that bad.
250
00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:22,566
Tracey literally told Lance
I was a ghost
251
00:08:22,633 --> 00:08:25,033
rather than acknowledging me
as a person
252
00:08:25,100 --> 00:08:26,430
because she was,
like, ashamed of me.
253
00:08:26,500 --> 00:08:28,130
Yeah, it must be
very hard for you.
254
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:30,400
And I really liked her too.
(growls)
255
00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:32,466
It's like all I have
to look forward to now
256
00:08:32,533 --> 00:08:34,933
is, like, getting
older and older
257
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:38,170
and meeting divorced ladies
and getting a crush on 'em
258
00:08:38,233 --> 00:08:41,173
and then getting wailed on
by their children?
259
00:08:41,233 --> 00:08:42,773
Like, I'm just gonna
keep doing this
260
00:08:42,833 --> 00:08:45,573
until I'm 200 years old,
and then I'm an actual ghost,
261
00:08:45,633 --> 00:08:46,903
and then no one's
gonna wanna fuck me
262
00:08:46,966 --> 00:08:48,366
'cause it's, like,
fucking a ghost
263
00:08:48,433 --> 00:08:50,303
is like fucking the stuff
that comes out of a humidifier?
264
00:08:50,366 --> 00:08:51,996
Like, what?
This is my life?
265
00:08:52,066 --> 00:08:54,266
Uh‐huh, even though she
treated you exactly
266
00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,333
the same way you bragged
about treating her.
267
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,000
(chuckles)
This must be very hard for you.
268
00:08:58,066 --> 00:08:59,466
Dude, what is your problem?
269
00:08:59,533 --> 00:09:02,033
I can't stand it!
My ass itches so bad.
270
00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:03,130
(laughs)
271
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,500
‐I'm literally butthurt.
‐Yes.
272
00:09:05,566 --> 00:09:09,566
I know why‐‐because a witch
said she was gonna put
273
00:09:09,633 --> 00:09:11,733
a berserker revenging spell
on your anus.
274
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,030
I probably ate something spicy
is all.
275
00:09:14,100 --> 00:09:15,270
You know what?
276
00:09:15,333 --> 00:09:16,373
I'm glad that I'm not
the only one hurting
277
00:09:16,433 --> 00:09:18,173
on this houseboat deck.
Thank you.
278
00:09:18,233 --> 00:09:19,973
Oh, I'm glad I could cheer
you up with my ass itching.
279
00:09:20,033 --> 00:09:21,333
Bro, you're a true friend.
280
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,270
And thank your anus too.
Your butt is a true friend.
281
00:09:23,333 --> 00:09:26,333
Uh, David, will you please go
get the cream from my bathroom?
282
00:09:27,466 --> 00:09:28,696
No.
20704
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