All language subtitles for Kentucky Ayahuasca S01 E01 E02_English

♪♪

[ Fire crackles ]

Steve: We're gathered here today
to release you to the universe,

to never come back
in our lives again.

Channel that pain.

Channel that intensity.

Please bring out the corpse.

♪♪

I've been a lot of things
in my life.

I've been a bank robber
and a prisoner,

but being a shaman
is my calling.

Ayahuasca is
a Schedule 1 narcotic,

the same as heroin and LSD,
but it's not a drug.

It's medicine, and in my church,
it's a sacrament.

We can do in two days

what conventional therapy
may take years to do,

but only if you are willing
to step into the pain.

♪♪

Brewing ayahuasca is art.

[ Door squeaks ]

There's a lot of things
that you got to know,

putting this brew together.

[ Clock ticking ]

♪♪

Ayahuasca is a portal
to the divine.

[ Whirring ]

That's what DMT is.
That's what's in ayahuasca.

There's other spirits
and synergies

that go within our ayahuasca,

but the main kickoff
point is DMT.

DMT is a Schedule 1 narcotic,

and it is the most powerful
psychedelic known to man.

The effects are similar to LSD

in the fact that
it is a hallucinogen.

It makes shadows stand out.
Buildings appear to weave.

It amplifies your surroundings.

We have four components
to our brew.

This is the acacia.

This acacia is harvested
in an incredibly ethical way

on a farm in Hawaii.

This one here is
the B. caapi vine.

A lot of the components of
ayahuasca comes from this vine.

I love using Syrian rue,
as well.

It's been used for thousands
of years in ancient ceremonies

dating all the way
back to Persia.

[ Grinder whirs ]

Then there is other things
that I cannot reveal to you.

That's a shaman's secret.

Because a lot of people
would try to make the brew,

and what they don't
understand is that

if you don't brew it right,
the tea can become toxic,

and the next thing you know,
people are dead.

And we want to let it sit there,

and we want to let it
slow‐cook for 24 hours.

And then after that, we will
let it chill for 24 hours.

And then after that,
we're gonna cook it again.

And then we'll let it set again,
and this process will repeat ‐‐

be repeated over and over until
the brew is perfectly correct.

It's been described to me
as earthy, rooty, woody.

It's been described to me
as pig shit.

Oh, wow. That's gross.
[ Laughter ]

Steve: I call it my muddy water.

Whoa!

Steve: That's where Mother
lives, in my muddy water.

I only bring in loving
intentions into this room

to intermingle with Mother Aya
as we're working our brew.

And I also bring in the intent

of the people
I'm brewing this brew for

if I have some information
about them

or know what they're coming for,
like PTSD or child sexual abuse.

♪♪

One of the key components

I try to infuse into the brew
is a forgiveness,

and Mother Aya brings that
to the table wholeheartedly.

♪♪

[ Vehicles passing ]

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

♪♪

Taylor:
I had a lot of bad things
happen to me in childhood.

Somebody close to me
in my family, uh,

caused me a lot of harm
when I was little,

and I didn't start remembering
until I was in my early 20s.

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

I forgot a lot of things

because it was
about my survival.

Once I started remembering parts
of my childhood abuse,

my whole world fell apart.

♪♪

[ Keys jingle ]

I'm still harboring a lot
of anger and rage,

probably ultimately
a lot of sadness, too.

[ Trunk slams ]

It's my intention to try
to deal with these things

using ayahuasca.

♪♪

Jules: When I was young,

I knew I didn't really fit in
with the boys,

but the girls weren't really
welcoming toward me either.

Since I was a kid,
I've been trying to figure out

my whole gender identity.

♪♪

I have definitely had a lot
of depression and anxiety

caused by having
to push my emotions down

and learning a lot of
unhealthy coping mechanisms.

It's weird wanting to be
transgender

but not really thinking
of yourself as transgender.

[ Laughs ] 'Cause, uh, no one
really wants to be transgender.

I think my number‐one priority
coming to Aya Quest

is to address my depression,
anxiety head‐on

and, uh, come out of here
stronger and, uh, more prepared.

‐Hello.
‐Hello, everyone.

‐How are you?
‐I'm well.

‐Good.
‐I'm Jules.

Teri: All right. If you all
would like to grab your waters,

then we will proceed downstairs.

You all can come on in
and find your beds.

We can go ahead and get those
made, let you all get situated,

changed into some comfy clothes.

For this ceremony,
we have Taylor,

we have Jules,
and we have Emily.

I cannot remember a time
that I was not sad.

I'm diagnosed
with bipolar disorder,

and I don't know who I am
without depression.

It crosses my mind how much
easier that it would be

if I wasn't here.

I know that ayahuasca's
pretty intense,

but I came here prepared
to face what I need to face.

And I'm here,
and I'm ready to do it.

Steve: I want to thank
each and every one of you

for the trust you have shown us.

We know this is not
an easy thing.

I remember when I poured
my first cup

and it was sitting
in front of me,

and I was wondering
how well I knew the guy

who had sent it to me
all the way from Peru.

So I understand
the courage it takes

to lay yourself
on the altar of self‐discovery.

We're not here
to throw you off a cliff.

We're here to let you get some
confidence within the medicine

so you can go really deep
tomorrow night.

Now, during this evening,

your journey's gonna come
in waves, like this.

Sometimes it's gonna be
down here,

and you're gonna say,
"Whew, it's over."

No, it ain't over, but that's
when most people go,

"Can I have some more?"

And we're gonna give you
some more,

but it ain't a drinking game.

‐No.
‐It ain't nothing like that.

I've seen a 78‐year‐old lady
drink more than a 200‐pound man.

You know, it just depends
on what you need

and how the medicine
works with your system.

Jules: I'm mostly afraid
that I'll hold on to things

and not let go
and just experience

what ayahuasca has to offer.

Taylor:
I fear not being able to take
care of myself during ceremony,

'cause it's a very
vulnerable state to be in.

And I'm gonna do a shot with you

just to let you know
there's nothing in this

that I don't put in my body
on a weekly basis.

♪♪

You coming and holding that cup,

and the butterflies
that hit your stomach

because you know
when you tip that cup back ‐‐

One, it's not gonna be pleasant.

Two, you're along for the ride
from that moment on.

This is part of the sacrifice.
The only answer is to submit.

♪♪

Ayahuasca's a hallucinogenic tea

made with plants
from the Amazon,

and it is the strongest
psychedelic known to man.

But this isn't like LSD.

Ayahuasca is a portal
to your inner self,

your subconscious,
and through that portal,

you're gonna meet
a goddess we call Mother Aya.

When your journey
first takes off,

you may feel euphoria until ‐‐

Boom!

The spike hits,
and the purge begins.

You may laugh, you may cry,

and you may do both
at the same time.

You may puke or shit,
but each of those purges

are a physical manifestation
of an emotional release.

That's when you truly
find healing.

♪♪

Jules: I feel like
I've micro‐dosed LSD,

'cause I've done that
specifically.

Teri: Once you get into it,
it's nothing like acid.

You can't maintain,
and you can't control.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

The best you can do
is just accept and allow

and flow along.

Jules is the first
transgender person that, um,

we have worked with.

I am genuinely excited

to see what Mother Aya
has to offer her.

My hat's off to people
to who are transgender.

It's not ever easy
being yourself,

but when you feel like
you're trapped

in a body
that's not yours,

and to come out and say,
you know,

"Look, this is not
who I am"...

But they're brave.

Definitely feel a little...
a little something.

Okay. It's probably just now
start working through you

'cause you're about getting
close to an hour in

from your first cup.

[ Burps ]

'Cause I'm even feeling
that little cup I did,

so I know it's
working through.

I don't know how to describe it,
but the room feels less square.

I feel you.
Right.

‐I got you.
‐Like, close to the healing...

‐The space is shifting.
‐Yes.

♪♪

Jules: I started to transition
just over five years ago.

Medically, I started hormones
two years ago.

My mom has strong convictions
about her religious beliefs.

I think my transition was
very hard on her, emotionally.

She's never really
gotten past that.

It's hard.
I respect my mom a lot.

Um...
She's sort of my hero.

I want to tell my mother that
I miss our old relationship,

and, uh...I miss, you know,
being a part of her life,

and her being a part of mine.

♪♪

But, uh...

♪♪

[ Exhales ] I don't know how to,
uh, explain to someone that ‐‐

who believes you're, like,
possessed by a demon ‐‐

that, um...
that I'm still just me.

I'm just not a son.
I'm a daughter.

♪♪

Taylor: I started remembering a
lot of things from my childhood.

I was terrified.

♪♪

♪♪
♪♪

♪♪

Steve: I'm not a doctor.
I'm not a therapist.

I'm a shaman.

I'm part of that mortar
between the bricks.

I'm the person who's gonna
sit here and try to set you up

so Mother Aya
can do her best for you.

Teri: How you doing, baby?

‐I'm all right.
‐Cool.

Emily: I'm liking
just laying here like this.

Teri:
That's the best thing to do.

The more you can just relax...
‐Yeah.

Teri:
...and make your mind, like,
this vast sea of nothingness,

the easier it will be
for everything...
‐Yeah.

...to just kind of
work its way in

and just kind of suck you
down the rabbit hole,

so to speak.

Emily:
Once I drank the first cup,
within about 30‐ish minutes,

I just felt, like,
my muscles and my body relax.

My first boyfriend when I was
13 years old, multiple times,

the sex that we had
was unconsensual.

[ Voice breaking ] I felt dirty.

And after he did all of that,
he told me, you know,

that nobody would ever want me
again because I was dirty.

And [Sniffles]
I still feel that way,

and those feelings
have lingered, um, for years,

and that's something
that I still really

haven't been able to deal with.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Sighs ] That's what
I came here for, though.

♪♪

Ayahuasca is a sacred plant.
It's a sacred journey inward.

It's like someone is there
with you,

helping you endure hardness,
endure struggles,

and it doesn't matter
how bad they are.

She will come
and give you a hand

or show you how to get out
of the place that you are.

♪♪

Has Taylor taken any more
since he had purged, or no?

‐What's that?
‐I might have another cup

in a little while.
‐Good deal.

I just didn't want you
left out over there.

[ Sighs ]

Steve: Taylor, the first night,
was resistant.

He wanted to do his own thing.

You could tell the walls
were still up.

The fortress was still
locked down.

But this is what I also knew ‐‐
his house of sand was crumbling.

The water was melting it,
and the foundation was being

washed away
in the river of ayahuasca.

Taylor: I just kind of slowly
became more aware of my body

and how it was heating up.

And then I started
seeing things immediately.

There was a woman.

We were just, like, walking
into this stairwell

of psychedelic madness,

and I started remembering a lot
of things from my childhood

that I guess were in
some fissure inside me, and...

I was terrified.
[ Water dripping ]

And I think it got too
overwhelming for me.

I passed out and just slipped
into some kind of void.

♪♪

Teri:
We're gonna take you with us.

When we work with people, we use
all kinds of different means.

Sometimes it's just, you know,

as simple as setting down
and talking to them.

I can relate
to a lot of these people

'cause I've been through
a lot of shit in my life.

You all right,
sweetie?

How are you gonna understand

or tell somebody things
that might help them

if you've never been through it?

It's like trying to explain
to a man

exactly what it's like
to give birth.

[ Rain splashing ]

♪♪

Steve: On a scale of 1 to 10,
how much pain are you in?

It depends on the day,
but, I mean, there's not a day

that goes by that I'm not sad.

I ‐‐ I don't really even know
my personality

without my depression, and...
[ Sniffles ]

[ Voice breaking ] It's scary
to not know who you are.

Steve: I understand.

I understand, and I appreciate
your bravery for sharing this.

But understand,
by touching these things

while Mother Aya is just now
starting to work through you,

it's gonna allow her to go
to the core of these issues.

The first person
that I ever dated,

the first sexual encounter...

Well, there was many
that weren't consensual,

and that still bothers me.

‐How old were you?
‐13.

How long did you stay
with this person?

Till I was, like, 14 1/2,

which kind of makes it
conflicting for me.

[ Voice breaking ]
Doesn't make sense to me that
I did that, but, you know...

Steve:
I understand. I understand.

Emily:
I just view sex differently.

I just don't view it
as love at all.

And that's gonna create for you

a very shallow life
at the end of the day,

and I think
you kind of know that,

and you kind of want something
deeper in a relationship.

Give yourself the gift of not

placing things that have
happened to you

onto your relationships

and forgive yourself
because you were a child.

If a 13‐year‐old little girl
looked at you right now

and said,
"Emily, me and my boyfriend,

you know, we were kind of
messing around,

and things got a little
further than I wanted.

I said no,
but he did it anyway."

Are you gonna look at her
and go, "Feel guilty"?

That's what you're doing
to yourself.
[ Sniffles ]

That's what you're doing
to yourself.

You're holding yourself
responsible.

[ Whispering ] Sorry.

Teri: You're fine, sweetie.
Don't be sorry.

Sometimes we think we've cried
all we can over things,

and then we find out that
there's a lot more behind it.

And that's okay 'cause
that's how we let go of it.

[ Sniffling ] I've just cried
so much over my life

[ Laughing ]
I don't even know how
there's tears left in my eyes.

And I can completely understand.

[ Sniffling ]

Steve: At that "aha" moment,

that's where Teri hit the nail
right on the head,

and she did it in such a way
that it made her think.

It made her feel.

Mother Aya is gonna show her
in no uncertain terms

that she is worthy of love,
that she is worthy respect,

and not only is she worthy of
these things, she deserves them.

♪♪

Teri:
Lean your head back just a hair.

I want to warn you, it has
an intense burning sensation.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Vehicles passing ]

♪♪

Steve:
Last night, I was really excited

because we really laid
the foundation of trust

and we really laid
a very strong foundation

of them getting comfortable
within the medicine.

Tonight, before we go
into our ayahuasca journey,

I have a little gift from Brazil
called sananga drops.

These drops go into your eyes.

And we put these drops
prior to the ceremony

because this
has ibogaine alkaloids

that is going to increase
the visions of the ayahuasca.

It also has a spiritual element
all unto itself,

but combined with ayahuasca,
it is incredibly powerful.

[ Splashing ]

The second night,
we're getting them prepared

for a very intense experience.

We're gonna make symbols
of the things

that have caused them
the most trouble in their life,

and then we're gonna
burn it with an effigy.

And that is gonna sear it
into their subconscious mind,

while ayahuasca
is taking effect,

of what that means to let go.

[ Birds chirping ]

We're about to do what's called
negative sigils.

I'm gonna show you
how to make symbols.

These symbols
are gonna represent

everything that you
want to leave behind

that ‐‐ that came through
that door,

and they're gonna have
another purpose later tonight.

Sigils that we will be using
in pre‐ceremony tonight

is symbology at its simplest.
We are gonna take sentences,

and we are gonna remove
vowels and double consonants

and leave only the letters.

And from the letters left,
we're gonna make symbols.

Going left to right,
I got an "R."

I'm gonna put this "R"
right there.

This ain't puppies and kittens.

This is about getting rid
of this shit.

This is about
putting it on paper

and putting it to the universe,
and it is gone.

This is all the things
I want to get rid of,

that when I burn
in my ayahuasca ceremony,

when I let go of this symbol,

these things are leaving
into the cosmos.

Jules:
I put my codependency 'cause
I'd like to be more independent.

I also put my tendency
to withdraw socially.

I put a lot of my shame
into my sigil.

It's something I've struggled
with for a very long time.

I'm really wanting
to let that go.

Steve: Who here would like
to do sananga drops

before your ayahuasca ceremony?

Because this has
ibogaine properties,

and it will increase
your visions.

It's also very good
for your eyes.

But those that want to do it,

I want to warn you because
there is a price to pay,

and that is, in the beginning,

it has an intense
burning sensation.

Why? Because pain creates energy

within the deepest realms
of our minds,

and when we do it,
we want you holding your symbol.

Think about what
you're letting go.

Teri:
Keep your eyes closed until
I tell you to open them, okay?

Here's one...

There's two.
Lean your head back just a hair.

Okay. Blink your eyes.

Open and blink.
Blink blink blink blink blink.

♪♪

Steve:
And all that fear and pain

went into that symbol
that they were holding

when that sananga was burning

like a red‐hot coal
in their pupil.

‐Doing good, doing good.
‐Hold your symbol.

‐Doing good, yep.
‐Focus on that symbol.

Steve: In through your nose,
out through your mouth.

In through your nose,
out through your mouth.

‐[ Exhales sharply ]
‐Breathe. There you go.

‐Accept and allow. It will pass.
‐Good job.

Steve: It really brought
a seriousness to the sigils,

to what we were about to do.

♪♪

Tonight, I feel this group
needs to be bonded

with a little bit of fear.

Nik and Tlawil,
please bring out the corpse.

♪♪

The corpse, I used
to bring home what we're doing.

We're working with
life and death.

Teri: The corpse, for us,
represents the old them ‐‐

that is, the them
that they are letting go.

We're gonna pin the sigil to it,

and then, you know,
when we light it on fire,

that part of them is gone.

I am about to take these people
on a near‐death experience

with a very thin tether,

to bring them back whole
but different.

They got here over decades of
[bleep]‐up inner dialogue,

abusive relationships,

and self‐esteems
that were decimated.

Good job.
Thank you so much.

Taylor:
The words I chose for my list

were "shame," "rage,"
and "people that suck."

[ Rhythmic rattling ]

If I could literally
leave something here

and not take it back with me,
it would be those things.

Growing up, I was blocking
a lot of stuff out,

but I was also doing that
so I could have a relationship,

or somewhat of a relationship,
with my family.

And then after I talked to them
about the abuse or mentioned it,

I was immediately blacklisted
and excommunicated.

I just felt like all those years

where I was blocking
something out

so I could have
a relationship with them was...

[ Groans ]
It ‐‐ It wasn't worth it at all.

The sooner I can get rid
of all this

harbored guilt and shame and...

or whatever
you want to call it...

[sighing] the better.

[ Rattling continues ]

Steve: Now as we sit here
in front of our corpse

of our negative
internal dialogue,

we want to say
a few final words.

We're gathered here today
to release you to the universe,

to never come back
in our lives again.

By them handing me their symbol
after they drank ayahuasca

and been blessed
by sage and rattle,

that symbol of pain, negativity,
loathing, hatred, shame...

[ Fire crackling ]

...we gave it to the universe
to never return.

[ Crackling continues ]

Emily:
I really did do what Steve asked

and focused the pain
with the sexual assault.

I felt like I could
kind of put that

a little bit more to rest
than it was, at least.

Jules: And it's hard when
someone's not willing

to see you
the way you want to be seen.

It ‐‐ It can fill you
with things like shame

because you feel very unwanted.

[ Crackling continues ]

♪♪

Nik: Ooh, shit.

Got a little bit of red
in there. You okay?

Taylor: I think it was a lot
of things that I've hung on to

that was coming up
to the surface ‐‐

rage that I've just held
in my gut.

♪♪

Here, I gotcha.
Thank you.

Here, give me a second.
I'll get you another.
Hope I'm done.

♪♪

[ Water running ]

Steve: Tonight, the ceremony
we did with the sigils,

the burning of the corpse,
the effigy ‐‐

all that combined was about them
identifying and becoming aware

of what has really been
their challenges in life,

what has held them back,
so that mental terrain

is firmly seeded with what
they need to move forward.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Sighs ]
I'm trying to breathe.

I think I'm, like,
breathing a little too fast,

which is making it worse.

‐Okay.
‐Yeah.

Emily: [ Wearily ]
Really sit up, I just...

Steve: Yeah, kind of
straighten up a little bit.

[ Breathes deeply ]
[ Panting ]

I started feeling
the, uh, nausea

and the sort of start to sweat
a little bit type deal.

[ Door slams ]
Then I got nervous and ended up,

you know, vomiting and stuff,
but...

[ Coughing ]
If there's a good puke,

it was a good puke, if that
makes any sense. [ Laughs ]

I felt lighter
when I walked away.

♪♪

[ Ringing ]

Tlawil: Music has a huge
influence on your journey.

You will go with the songs,
what it's telling you.

Open your heart, heal it,

and allow you to process
way more stuff

through your subconscious mind.

♪♪

Steve:
The second night with Taylor,

the medicine took him
straight to bed.

Taylor came because he had
been abused as a small child,

but he has to shift gears
from his inner child

that's shut everything out

because that was safer
than letting anything in.

I really do feel
his breakthrough is coming.

The question will be, can Taylor
process this rush of pain

when it's finally released?

Taylor: I just kind of
fell into my head,

and that's when I started
letting ayahuasca take effect.

I was a toddler.

I was small, and I was
running through a house.

I saw white walls.

I saw white molding
and hardwood floors.

I had to find hiding places
around the house

where I couldn't really
be accessed that easy.

[ Footsteps ]
I was just rounding corners.

And, I mean,
maybe it was something

that happened to me
a long time ago,

but it was ‐‐ it was
vivid enough to where it ‐‐

it was definitely coming from
some kind of bank in my mind.

Parts of my childhood abuse
did come up,

and that's when I started having
physical feelings of anxiety.

And I was trying
to put it all down inside,

and then it turned into vomit.
[ Retching ]

I think it was a lot of
fear and anxiety

that was coming up
to the surface for me.

[ Spits, groans ]

Just things that
I've hung on to for so long.

It was making me sad.
[ Scoffs ]

And I felt like
I was throwing up stuff

that was making me
really unhealthy ‐‐

just, like, rage that
I've just held in my gut.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

[ Knocking ]
Taylor: Yeah?

Nik: Uh, just letting you know

I'm out here with a fresh bucket
and a paper towel, so...

‐Can you come in please?
‐Huh?

Taylor: I need ‐‐
I would like a fresh bucket.

‐Uh, are you decent?
‐Yep.

[ Door squeaks ]

‐Ooh, shit.
‐What?

Nik: Got a little bit of red
in there. You okay?

It sounded like
you were getting it

pretty rough in here,
trying to...

Sounded like something
was trying to come up...

‐That's what was happening.
‐...which is fine.

‐[ Sighing heavily ]
[Bleep]

Nik: With Taylor,
you could really tell

that this was something
very crucial.

He was releasing
the emotions built up,

because there is a lot of things
that he's been through.

Ugh. I don't know what's gonna
happen, but... [ Sighs ]

We've kind of set
something up outside,

and I'd like you to trust us.

Jules was gonna have to take
a courageous and brave step.

♪♪

[ Rhythmic drumming ]

♪♪

[ Groans ]

♪♪

With Jules, you could tell that
after she drank that first cup,

Mother Aya, her tentacles

were already starting
to work through her.

But I also knew Jules
was gonna have to take

a very, very courageous
and brave step.

We share a lot of similarities.

We really do.
‐Yeah.

Because we know what it is
to feel like an outcast.

I'm a convicted felon.
‐Right.

Teri's a convicted felon.

We know what it is
to have a secret

that we can't share openly.
‐Right.

You know, we know what it is
to feel shame.

It's something I've
struggled with for a long time.

Now, do you and your mother
still interact, or...

We, um...
We ‐‐ It's very limited.

‐Okay.
‐Um, she wanted to cut all s‐‐

all contact, after she learned
about my gender transition.

♪♪

And I didn't feel like I'd ever
be acceptable at that point.

♪♪

I had tried cutting my wrists
in the bathtub.

Thankfully, a close friend
of mine had intervened.
‐Thankfully, yes.

Like, he was
bursting down a door.

‐To get to you.
‐To get to me.

Steve: That tells me
somebody loved you.

‐Yeah.
‐Right?

Jules: And I've had a lot of
support since coming out.

I've got a daughter now and...

Steve: Wow. How does that feel?

[ Laughs ] It's beautiful.

She's amazing.

Now, we've kind of set
something up outside,

and I'd like you to trust us
for a little longer.

Do you trust us now?

‐I trust you, Steve and Teri.
‐Well, good.

Thank you, because we got
your best interests at heart.

Under ayahuasca,
our subconscious

is wide‐open and raw.

As a modern shaman,
it's important

that we plow
the road of their mind

while Mother Aya
courses through their veins.

I have created an arena
of reflection for Jules.

It's made up
of mirrors and lights.

Everywhere she looks,
she will see herself

in beautiful, feminine form.

‐[ Sighing ] Okay.
‐And remember what I told you ‐‐
if it gets too intense,

I want you to close your eyes
for a little bit,

kind of take a breath.

In fact, right now,
kind of look around.

I want you to get comfortable
in your surroundings.

Get comfortable with you
from every angle.

You're a beautiful woman.
You should take that in.

I want you to think about,
what is your best attribute?

Look at that person
in that mirror right now,

and I want you to have
that mental conversation.

I want you to laugh with her,

and I want you
to fully embrace her

because she's been through
a lot of shit,

and she has taken a lot of shit.
[ Laughs, sniffles ]

And five years ago, she was
ready to end all that shit.

And that person sitting in that
chair would not have been here,

would not have
held her daughter,

would not have been
the role model,

and look at how you're feeling
now looking at yourself.

You're laughing.

You're fully aware
and engaged and smiling,

and you're doing this
all in front of strangers.

You're not withdrawn.

You're reaching out,
and all of this is wonderful,

and all this is
really causing you

to move forward
from this day forth.

All that other crap
was burned on that corpse

that we set fire to,
and your sigil...

...that was all yours
and no one else's,

that you chose
to let go ‐‐ shame.

You chose to let go
social withdrawal.

And what was the third thing
you chose to let go?

Not allowing myself to,
you know...

...fully love myself.

Are you closer to
fully loving yourself now?

I am.

Steve:
Do you really see your worth?

I think so, yes.

Steve:
And how could you ever kill that

and deprive the world
of that gift?

♪♪

I can't.

Steve: You can't.

And that's why
your daughter loves you

and you are her goddess.

Well, how we feeling right now?

Because this is ‐‐
this is intense.

I'm feeling a lot of peace.

Steve: My heart was really
full of joy for her.

I knew right there
we just watched

a very intense breakthrough.

This arena of love,
this arena of self‐respect,

and this arena of courage,

and you are dead‐set
in the middle of it all.

That's a beautiful way
to start a journey.

♪♪

Jules: I started meditating
on things like, you know,

how ‐‐ how can I make
this world a better place?

And I saw what I felt like
the future of humanity

might look like

and perhaps journeying
out into the stars

and creating something
much larger than ourselves.

And the visions sort of started.

It was sort of as if I had
become, um, a goddess.

I saw a beautiful woman
who has gone through so much

and who has faced, you know,
a lifetime of soul‐searching,

only to arrive at this moment.

And I felt very complete.

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]
♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

♪♪

[ Strumming guitar ]

♪♪

[ Strumming stops ]

Emily: I feel like, with my
depression and anxiety, like...

I don't want someone to fix it.
I'm not asking for a savior.

I'm asking for somebody to put
their arm around me and tell me,

"It's gonna be okay."

I'm never gonna accept
anything less than that again.

I am so proud of you.
Thank you.

It is so great,
what you did last night.

I ‐‐ I feel amazing today.

Um, yeah, last night was, uh...

[ laughing ] an experience,
to say the least.

Well, I feel like I'm glowing.
[ Laughs ]

I don't know how to describe
that, but, um... yeah.

Feel like I c‐‐
I could do anything.

Mother Aya put you
all back together, a little bit.

A lot of bit, I'd say.

You look like a completely
different person today

than the one
that walked in.
It's strange.

I feel like the same person,
but I feel so much lighter...

‐Mm‐hmm.
‐...so much more connected.

Today, I feel
very content in myself,

and I feel very complete,
like I don't need

that validation
of others or anything.

Jules was radiant today,

and I'm talking the energy
that was coming from her

was nothing but
pure self‐acceptance

for the first time
in a long time.

That's Mother Aya at her best.

It doesn't always
take ayahuasca,

but it always takes Mother Aya.

I am very proud of each
and every one of you here.

It took great bravery
and courage for each of you

to go through the ordeals
that we have put you through.

As you're re‐entering the world,
I want you to remember

you're leaving here as different
individuals as you walked in.

But the world has not changed,

and the little puddles of poo
that you left at home

or wherever you came from
is still waiting for you

when you get back.

But hopefully, through this,

you have gained
a different perspective

and will choose
a different reaction

when confronted
with your old way of life.

♪♪

Come here, Taylor.
Thank you so much.

Taylor:
I would do ayahuasca again.

This is pretty good.
I feel taken care of right now.

That's it. That's all I got.

I can't tell you any more than
that. It's too many emotions.

[ Laughs, sighs ]

‐Thank you, guys.
‐Be safe.

‐All right. You guys, too.
‐Thank you.

Emily: Leaving Aya Quest,
I just feel, like, empowered.

I feel like a badass.

[ Laughing ]
I don't know, you know?

Feels good.

Jules: When I came to Aya Quest,
I was feeling very depressed,

feeling like a burden on the
lives of the people around me,

and feeling like
I weighed people down.

But you know, setting out,
I feel like I'm more complete,

and I'd like to say to the,
you know, transgender,

nonbinary, and queer community
that things can get better

and that they will.

Um, there are people out there
who will love you

and that you are enough

and that you are amazing
just the way you are.

Steve:
I have the most beautiful,
blessed, peaceful existence

that any human being ‐‐

much less retired bank robber,
convict, thief ‐‐

could ever hope to be.

And I hope anybody who sees
this thinks this world is unfair

when a piece of shit like me

can enjoy the existence
that I do now,

and I hope it makes you get
the [bleep] off the couch

and do something.

♪♪

♪♪

I have a more positive outlook
on life.

I feel like I know myself
better.

I feel like I have more
of a personality.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Jules: I'm doing quite well.

Uh, this has been a very
good summer for me.

I don't know.
It's an exciting time.

[ Static ]