Original subtitles

WwW.SubYab.CoM Good evening, I welcome you to the third and final

of the 2016 presidential debates.

We either have a country, or we don't.

Rounding up people who are undocumented...

We have some bad hombres here.

...is an idea that is not in keeping

- with who we are as a nation. - I tell it like it is.

I'm happy to compare my 30 years of experience...

The one thing you have over me is experience, but it's bad experience.

We are going to make America great again and it has to start now.

I hope you will give me a chance to serve as your president.

Donald Trump told the American people the truth tonight

as he always does.

Hillary Clinton is the real outsider.

Look, whatever you think you saw tonight...

You didn't. You actually saw what I saw, and I think that the American people...

- Would agree with me. - As long as I say it repeatedly, doggedly.

And with unearned confidence.

I lie.

I am lying to you.

And you know I lie. I'm actually in this position

because of how effectively I lie to you. Are we clear?

We call this the spin room, without shame.

Spinning is something you do to disorient people.

And you all know that and yet, here we are.

What a wonderful play we're putting on.

Thank you all so much. And fuck you, America.

I look forward to lying to you in the future.

See you at the bar.

Thank you.

Shock waves across America.

The surprise victory defied preelection polling.

Tectonic plates shifting, 9.5 on the Richter scale earthquake.

So that's just a snapshot of the reaction we're getting this morning.

We're still trying to get our good old pal Gary Zimmer to talk to us.

He's probably halfway to Canada by now.

Yeah, maybe halfway to Candadian Club.

I'd love to ask this guy what the hell he was thinking.

How did they blow this election?

Hey, guys, did you find the clip? You got it? Okay.

This is our good friend Gary Zimmer,

grand old consigliere of the Clinton campaign,

not even a week ago on this program.

- So you're confident? - Oh, no question.

Hillary's made her case.

She is the most qualified presidential candidate,

certainly in my lifetime... maybe ever.

Donald Trump will not be president.

Well, he is doing well in the South.

So maybe he can be president of the Confederacy.

But Ohio, Michigan, Pennsylvania...

Mika, he's not winning Pennsylvania,

he's not winning Michigan.

That Rust Belt blue wall Is impenetrable. If holds.

"I guarantee."

Well, you decided to spend almost no time there campaigning.

Was that a Carville impression? All right, so wait a minute.

- Tommy, try Gary again. - Google, off.

- We have Faith Brewster on the line. - Hey, Google, off.

Sorry, power controls is not yet supported.

Phone lady, decline.

- Try asking again in a different way. - Hang up.

Hey, Google, tell phone lady to hang up.

Sorry, I'm not sure how to help with that yet.

- Off, off! Hey, Google, disengage! - Sorry, I'm still not sure about that.

- Songs aren't available on SiriusXM. - Abort! Everybody, shut up!

Try asking again in a different way.

♪ You always won Every time you placed a bet ♪

♪ You're still damn good ♪

♪ No one's gotten to you yet ♪

♪ Every time they were sure They had you caught ♪

♪ You were quicker than they thought ♪

♪ You'd just turn your back and walk ♪

♪ And you're still the same ♪

- ♪ I caught up with you yesterday ♪ - ♪ Still the same, still the same ♪

♪ Moving game to game ♪

2> No one standing in your way ♪

♪ Turning on the charm ♪

- ♪ Long enough to get you by ♪ - ♪ Still the same, still the same ♪

♪ You're still the same ♪

♪ You still aim high ♪

♪ Still the same, still the same ♪

♪ There's been a load of compromisin' ♪

♪ On the road to my horizon ♪

♪ But I'm gonna be ♪

♪ Where the lights are shinin' on me ♪

♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪

♪ Riding out on a horse In a star-spangled rodeo ♪

♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪

♪ Getting cards and letters From people I don't even know ♪

♪ And offers comin' over the phone ♪

So if there is no further discussion,

can I get a motion to vote on resolution 1217, requiring

a valid Wisconsin driver's license or proof of US citizenship

to qualify for any state or municipality program or benefit

such as food stamps, welfare, and so on and so forth.

- So moved. - Second.

- Second. - I have a second. It's time...

- Excuse me, fellas. - Jack, I already told you.

You can widen the easement on Hamburg, just leave enough...

Actually, it's about that resolution you're thinking about passing.

With all due respect, Colonel, that discussion has ended.

Yeah. Yeah, so I heard. But, uh...

the thing is that, um... it's a bad idea.

- You can't... - Okay, well, I already seconded it.

- But, whatever. - I know we're in a bad spot, but...

You can't bring it back by throwing these people under the bus.

We're not throwing anybody under anything, Jack.

Money was tight when the base was still open, but now...

I mean, we just gotta be smart. We got to eliminate cheating the programs.

There's not a damn soul using those programs

that doesn't need 'em and you know it.

And all they need to do is produce the acceptable ID and the benefits will...

- And you know they can't do that. - Well... I don't make the rules, Jack.

I mean, I do... I guess. Not by myself. But this is over.

Yeah.

Okay, we have a motion that has been seconded.

- It is time to bring it to a vote. - Uh, you know, just curious.

You know when the river backed up,

and the folks you think might be cheating stood shoulder to shoulder with us,

stuffing sandbags for three days straight, ended up saving your store...

- You check their IDs then? - Discussion's closed, Jack.

You checking IDs when they're bringing food to the church potlucks?

Walt?

Enough, Jack. You had your say.

Look, we got rules here, but that don't make us bad people.

I'm not saying you're a bad person, Billy. I'm saying you're scared.

Hell, we all are.

Damn town went from 15,000 to five overnight,

and business went with it.

We're not bringing it back by turning on each other.

Corps taught me the chain's only as strong as its weakest link.

And Father Heuvel here taught me that I am my brother's keeper.

- Go back to that "weak link" part. - Yeah, okay. Yeah.

I mean, could this guy work?

Corps taught me the chain's only as strong as its weakest link.

- Hmm. Pretty good. - Mm-hmm.

Father Heuvel here taught me that I am my brother's keeper.

Whatever you do for the least of us, you do for the Lord.

Looks conservative, sounds progressive.

The point is...

it's easy to be strong of character in the good times.

The fest is the bad times.

If you can't live your principles then, well,

I guess they aren't principles, they're just hobbies.

- Where is this again? - Wisconsin. Deerlaken.

- Deerlaken. - Mm-hmm.

Gentlemen,

this square-jawed paragon of Americana

is our goddamn key back in the forbidden city.

- Well, that's my stop. - Sit. Kurt, sit.

- Call me when he gets here. - Nope, you're not going anywhere. No, sit.

And we have Alan to thank for bringing this man to our attention.

It's Evan.

Did I happen to mention that he is a veteran of the US Marine Corps?

- Yes. - And a farmer?

And did I happen to mention that he's a widower.

Impressive.

A man who makes Joe the Plumber look like Dukakis in Mom Jeans

and a fucking Easter bonnet

in the reddest of counties in the great now-swing state of Wisconsin is...

a Democrat.

He's a Democrat?

Yeah. He just doesn't know it yet.

Here's the idea. I get on a plane and I go to Wisconsin

and I use this guy to road-test a more rural-friendly message.

It's a mayoral race in the middle of nowhere.

I don't get how this helps us.

There are two million rural votes in these states alone.

If we lost them 2.7 to 1 instead of 3 to 1,

we win, but we didn't even try.

Their base turned out, ours didn't.

If we find a candidate to activate our base,

if our African-Americans...

and Latino communities...

- It's just Latino. - ...Show up, we win.

We have to get the rural voters back into the tent. Even just a little bit.

Well, if it's all the same to you, I'll stick with pandering

to our special-interest groups.

Thank you very much.

Sí, se puede. Sí, se puede.

I like the idea of expanding our base.

Not taking any voter for granted.

It does have some merit.

Okay, so we'll make sure a car comes here and picks you up.

- And we'll make sure the driver is Frank. - Okay.

It's a two-hour flight, but you'll gain an hour when you get there.

- What is that? - The 7 Series.

It was the closest thing they had to your Tesla.

Just take a Sharpie and write

"liberal city douchebag" on my forehead, okay?

- Come on, guys. - Yup.

Um, Accord?

I'm traveling to America. Explorer, neutral color.

- And pack me like a conference. - Davos? TED?

- Aspen, weekend package. - Great.

Thank you. Oh, and, guys. You know what? Keep it simple.

- Simple, no frills. Thank you. - Got it.

- Sure. - Great.

Although if the Explorer has a Bose or a Bang & Olufsen sound package,

if they have it, it'd be good.

- Great. - Gotcha.

- Did they say anything about catering? - Not yet.

- Those little mozzarella balls are great. - Yeah.

- Caprese salad. Something light. Balsamic. - Balsamic, all that jazz.

Cool.

- Nothing. - Cool.

That's fun.

- Here you go, Mr. Zimmer. - Oh, thank you.

Trailing by three points with time running out,

the Packers roll 68 yards across the frozen field and into legend.

With only three minutes to play,

all the hopes and dreams of an entire season

rested on the shoulders of one man.

♪ Like a rhinestone cowboy ♪

♪ Riding out on a horse In a star-spangled rodeo ♪

This is Fresh Air. I'm Terry Gross.

Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein

had one of the most successful musical partnerships of the 20th century.

But I also think its a canard that Hammerstein can't write funny songs.

She's got a beautiful voice, So let's hear her singing

"Everybody's Got a Home But Me."

Will you set the scene for us about where this song fits into the show?

Well, this young prostitute has just arrived in Monterey.

Hello.

- Evening. - Hey.

- What can I get ya? - How about a Bud and a burger?

That sounds good. Thank you so much.

Sure thing. Coming up.

Hey, Charlie.

- Tough day? - A long day. Traveling.

- Oh, yeah? Where from? - Washington, ♪.C.

Man, I ain't been there since like a school trip.

Can't even remember how many years ago that was.

- It was 29. Twenty-nine years. - Was it?

Twenty-nine years. Ms. Heuvel's history class.

- That's what it was. - Ms. Heuvel's history class.

Security guards chased us out of the Space Museum.

Well, we beat the dog shit out of the little kids.

Well, you guys aren't missing anything. It is a nightmare down there.

- Oh, yeah. - No argument there.

Yeah. You can say that again.

- Mike Staadt. - Hey.

- We call him Big Mike. - Yeah.

- People call me Big Mike for some reason. - Well, it's because... To tell us apart.

Because I'm... My name is Mike, too. But I'm Little Mike.

Hey. How are you? Gary.

- Nice to meet you. - Gary.

Gary from ♪.C. ♪.C. Gary.

He likes to give everybody nicknames,

so that's why he's giving you a nickname right now, which I don't think...

- It shows friendship and affection. - Yeah, but he doesn't need...

- If you don't like yours, I'll take... - No, I'm fine.

- Well, I appreciate it, Little Mike. - Okay, thank you, ♪.C. Gary.

- Hey, this is our new friend, ♪.C. Gary. - Hey. How are you?

- Dave. - My name is Gary and I'm from ♪.C., so...

- That works. - Well, welcome to Deerlaken.

- Thank you. - Ever been to Wisconsin before?

- I spent a fair amount of time in Madison. - So that's a no.

That's not Wisconsin.

Actually, I'm here to see Jack Hastings. Do you know him?

- Oh, yeah. - Everybody knows Jack, the colonel.

- Great guy. - YouTube star.

We've got some rooms upstairs, if you need.

- Sure, that sounds good. - Tonya.

- Yeah, baby? - This gentleman here would like a room.

Oh, sure. What do you need, hon?

- Uh, anything. Any room is fine. - Okay.

If you have something on a high floor with a king bed and a coffeemaker...

- Okay, everything is on the second floor. - Perfect.

- They're all pretty much the same. - That's perfect. I'm easy.

- Anything is fine. - Take 206, it's the biggest.

- They're all unlocked. - Okay. Thank you so much, Tonya.

- Hey, so, ♪.C. Gary. - Yep?

- You ever been to the White House? - I have.

- What's that like? - What's that like?

- It's a lot smaller than you think. - Really?

'Cause I don't think we got by there on that student trip.

- Must not have been built at that point. - Oh, that looks delicious.

Thank you so much. Do you have a bottle opener?

- That's a... No, that's just a twist. - Bud twist-off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. I know.

- Maybe he does need a bottle opener. - Maybe use your vest.

- Maybe European grip. - I got it.

- There we go. - There we go.

Cheers.

- Hey. - Cheers.

- Cheers. - Here's to you.

- Cheers. - Budweiser. Mmm.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

You gotta be kidding me.

Okay.

All right.

All right! It's fine, it's fine.

It's fine!

All right.

And it's... fucking locked.

Goddamn it.

Shit.

Oh, fuck this.

Oh, Deerlaken.

Love it.

Okay.

Everything all right?

- Yes. Hello? - It's Dave.

- Yes? - From Hofbrau Haus.

- Downstairs? - Yes.

- Oh. Okay. - Everything all right?

Yeah, I was just looking for a Wi-Fi password.

- Good luck. - Case-sensitive?

No, good luck getting Wi-Fi.

You're better off using your phone.

- Oh, okay. - Okay.

- All right, very good. Thank you. - Sure.

- Goodbye. - Night, Gar.

Everything all right?

Hey, ♪.C. Gary!

Hey, Gary.

Hey.

Good morning, Gary.

- Excuse me, Gary. - Hi, Gary.

- Well, hello, Gary. - Hey.

The Mikes told me that you're up from ♪.C.

and I figured that you might be on the hunt for some good caffeine.

Yes, um...

- Sure. May I have a... - Coffee?

- A coffee. - Cream, two sugars.

Not how I like it, but, good.

And if you don't mind, when you head up to Jack's, can you give him this?

Jack, he gets a little cranky if he doesn't get his Linzers.

Oh, and I put a little streusel in there for you, too.

Just made it. Still warm.

- Mmm. Okay. - No, no, no.

You're saving me a trip, so...

- Um, okay. - Okay.

- Bye, Gary. - Okay, bye!

- Have a good one. - Thank you! You have a good one.

Hey, guys, have a good one.

Hey, lady, have a good one.

All right. Is everybody having a good one?

What the fuck?

Oh, my God.

Oh, fuck!

Oh! Fuck me!

Oh, God!

Mmm.

God! Aah!

Oh, God!

Sonny! Muffin! Stand down.

Oh. Hey.

You Ann's new delivery guy?

I'm sorry. I'll go back and get you some more of those.

No, it's fine. I'll probably end up giving them most of 'em anyway.

Um, okay. Okay.

That's an angry labradoodle.

Oh. It's really beautiful out here.

Really takes me back.

Are you a farm boy?

Uh, no. Political consultant.

Well, sir, I saw your video on the Internet.

The town hall you busted up.

Um...

your comments on the responsibility to the least of us moved me deeply.

- Grab a bucket. - And I'll grab a bucket.

And here they come. Okay.

I think, increasingly, we have lost the capacity to see each other.

Empathy for those that we don't resemble.

Not to say partisanship has no place,

but certainly not at the level of toxicity that our current debate incorporates.

"No man left behind" is your ethos as a marine.

I think it's especially poignant in this day and age.

Your words spoke to values, not identity. So important.

Ohh.

It was Abraham Lincoln who said, "An appeal to our better angels."

You came out of there pretty fast. Did you wash?

Okay. Here it is.

I want you to be the Democratic candidate for mayor of Deerlaken.

Now, I know you probably don't think that you're a Democrat,

but after watching your speech, I can assure you that you are.

And I would like to offer my company's services to help you do so.

Well... I thank you.

You're welcome.

- No, thanks for the help today. - My pleasure.

But all things being equal,

I'd rather not.

All right.

Can I... be completely honest with you? No bullshit.

Be nice. My daughter's here.

That was your daughter? With her arm up the cow?

Okay. Look.

Democrats are getting their asses kicked

because guys like me don't know how to talk to guys like you.

I really believe that you believe what I believe,

that what is happening in this town is wrong.

What is happening in this country is wrong.

People are turning their backs on each other.

We are forgetting that we need each other.

What you said in your speech: "Strong as the weakest link."

Do you mean that? Did you mean it when you said that?

Because if you did, I think that you have an obligation

to try to strengthen those weak links.

And you can do it. You can do it.

You can do it in this sort of position.

You can help strengthen those weak links.

You can achieve that.

Okay. All right.

You know what?

All due respect, Colonel.

Anybody can make a speech. The real test is backing up your words.

The things that you said to those folks in that meeting,

was that principle?

Or was that just a hobby?

Let me know.

Why does he need three guns?

Ow!

Ow, God!

I'm sorry if I startled you, sunshine.

Don't you people believe in locks?

Or privacy, or basic social contracts?

Yeah. Tonya let me in.

I told her I had something important I needed to talk to you about.

- You'll do it? - Under one condition.

Great. Name it.

You run the damn thing.

I got the farm to worry about. Don't have any idea how to even start.

I will have one of my top guys make himself available to you.

No. No, that's not gonna do it. You.

The deal is you run it from here.

I checked you out. You got one hell of a portfolio.

So... deal?

I'd like a big clump of the cows right here in the center.

- Do you copy me? - Yes, sir!

Okay. If you can just move them over that way.

Yep!

And if you can get some of 'em to face front! Oh, my God.

Hey there, Colonel.

Gary.

Bobby, thanks a million for coming out here.

- I'll certainly vote for you. - Thank you all, folks, for coming.

This is just a quick kickoff.

Let's make you look a little more like farmer Jack

and less like certified public accountant Jack.

- There you go. - Okay.

Oh...

No, no. That's okay. That's okay.

- Donny, right? - Michael.

Michael, we can just boom him, okay?

The pole with the thing on the end? Do you do sound, Michael?

Chuck does sound, but he's at the lake with his family.

Okay. Well, that's too bad that he's... That's okay. We'll just go without.

- Thank you, Donny. - Thank you, son.

Okay. Let's give it a try. There you are.

- And this is...? - Why you are running for mayor.

Wow.

I quote Patton... and Jesus.

Paraphrase. And you can't go to the prom without a corsage.

Let's make magic.

All right. Thank you for coming. Can we quiet the cows, please?

Thank you!

Ladies and gentlemen, Colonel Jack Hastings.

So, uh...

I am Colonel Jack Hastings

and I'm running for mayor.

So, uh...

How we doing?

All right, beautifully put.

Are there any questions for the colonel? Anyone?

"Bueller?"

- Uh, yes. Colonel? - Yes. Name and affiliation, please.

- It's Dan. - Name and affiliation, please.

I'm Dan?

Go ahead, Daniel. Easy on the cows!

Um, yes. Mr. Hastings... Colonel. Could you say that again?

Because I don't think my recorder was on.

- Do it again? - Hey, you know what?

It's okay. We'll get it.

Okay, this one...

What I'm looking for...

Don't put all the black ones in the center.

He's running as a moderate, okay?

And if you could get some facing this way, that would be helpful.

More local news tonight out of Deerlaken.

Former marine Colonel Jack Hastings announcing today

that he's running for mayor as a Democrat.

While Braun may have an incumbent's advantage,

political insiders say Hastings is likely to give him a run for his money.

Happening now, a major ballot...

Well, how much is this gonna cost?

You let me worry about that.

What I need from you are people. Volunteers.

We got a lot of legwork if we're going to make a noise in this thing.

- More coffee? - Oh, I'm good.

- No, I'm good, Lizzie. Thanks. - You know what I do need?

I need a couple buckets of that gravy so I can take a bath in it.

It's so good. Delicious.

- My compliments to the chef. - I'll let Ziggy know.

Great. That oughta cheer him up.

- Just the check, Lizzie. - Will do, Jack.

What's the deal with the happy chef?

Oh, Ziggy's all right. He owns the place.

And he may be a bit peeved about the election thing.

He's Mayor Braun's brother.

Why isn't this place called Braun's?

A Hansen has owned this place since probably... Korea.

Bobby Hansen started it, his kids ran it for years

and had to sell once the base closed,

but no matter who owns it, it'll always be Hansen's.

Base closing really hammered this place.

Yeah, it did.

More than half of our storefronts are shut down.

In fact, we're losing our high school if we can't come up with the funding.

But no matter what folks might wish for here...

it ain't coming back.

"Vote for Jack Hastings,

'cause no matter what you wish for, it ain't never coming back."

- I like it. It's good. - Well, I'm not gonna lie to people.

No, I know. I know. I was just being witty and cynical.

Can't win a battle if you're not honest about what you're really up against.

No, you cannot.

Not enough for a bath,

but you can get a good foot soaking.

Thank you. A straw!

All right, let's bring it in. Everybody in.

- Ohh! Phone bank! - Phone bank.

Well, you'll get it next time. Okay!

I want you to be upbeat. I want you to be positive.

Active participation is what we're looking for.

Would they volunteer? Would they donate? Can we drop off a lawn sign?

Would they donate?

Would they donate?

Yes, write that down. That's good.

Got some sample scripts for you there. Contact list there.

To the ramparts!

- That means, go. You can begin. - Oh!

Now, you guys are my A team.

So first we're going to take these lawn signs

and we're going to put them in all available public spaces.

I want them visible, but not obnoxiously so.

Isn't it a little early for lawn signs?

I'm sorry, she just, um...

'Cause just around here, sometimes people aren't so keen.

But then, I do appreciate that you got the signs made.

I mean, we've always used lawn signs. They've worked for hundreds of years, so...

- Great. - Yeah, let's just use "em."

Great. All right. Ann?

- I want you to take the downtown area. - Okay.

Martha, Dave, how about everything west of 397

And, Diana, I'd like you to stay here.

- Hello? - To do...

Hi, this is Mathew, and I'm a volunteer calling with Jack...

Hello?

What are you doing?

- Zimmer. - Good morning, Mr. Zimmer.

My name is Michael, calling on behalf of Colonel Hastings...

Guys? Guys? Guys, guys. All right, this is what's happening here.

You're calling off the office contact list.

This is the voter contact list, so... Yeah, I know.

I want you to call the voter contact list. We're already voting for the colonel.

Okay? Good. Let's go do the signs, too.

Oh, my God.

Keep doing that, guys.

Gar! Hey, ♪.C. Gary.

- Hi. - Hey, Gar, come on over.

Okay. All right.

- You got... - Nothing, nothing, nothing.

That is a six. That is a five.

And a four. Look at that, and a seven.

I'm keeping it, baby!

Ahh!

Hey, everybody. This is ♪.C. Gary.

He's staying above the Hofbrau.

- Hey! - Good to see you.

- Welcome to the ambassador's lounge. - Thank you very much.

- Hear you're in town helping the colonel. - Yes, I am.

- He's a good man. - He is. He is a good man.

- So, is this your campaign office here? - This?

No, this is the ambassador's lounge,

an elite social club of the area's top entrepreneurs, athletes and raconteurs.

It's a shithole.

Hey, guys. Jack's already got lawn signs printed up.

Well, I gotta head out.

Got a lot of work to catch up on. Pleasure meeting everybody.

Hey, Father, you want to go with him? He might need a miracle or two.

This town hasn't had a Democrat mayor since La Follette ruled these parts

and hasn't had a Democratic Party since the '70s.

It's gonna take a little bit more than lawn signs.

Okay.

Colonel Jack Hastings. Tempered by war.

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

Driven by faith.

I am my brother's keeper.

A new kind of Democrat. A Democrat for the heartland.

Jack Hastings, a redder kind of blue.

Paid for by Real Americans for...

What are you up to, Zimmer?

I am telling you, guys, Jack could be the real deal.

- On a national level. - On a national level?

It's like he's a cross between...

- MacArthur and elk jerky. - Wait. What?

And one of those machines that test grip strength.

- Sounds too good to be true. - Oh, my God.

Semicolon.

She took the bait.

It's on here, boys. Game on.

- And let him be the star. You know? - Yeah.

So...

♪ A little bit of Hastings all the time ♪

♪ We're gonna win the election Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Oh, yeah. Oh, here I am.

Yes! Hello, party people.

Oh, it's a beautiful day to be alive and on the vanguard of change.

Who wants something to eat? They're so delicious.

Okay.

What's going on? Why all the long faces?

Do you not see it? The billboard.

The one on Main with the giant "Vote for Mayor Braun"?

- Yes. - What about it?

- What about it? - That's the McGregor Ford billboard.

Okay.

Okay, so it's been the McGregor Ford billboard for probably 40 years.

God only knows how much it cost.

And it looks like Braun has taken over Jerry's old office

as some sort of campaign headquarters.

Wait a second, wait a second. Hold on, hold on.

Um, are you telling me that the mayor, who's running for reelection,

has decided to advertise his campaign for mayor

and he's doing it from a campaign office?

Oh, my God! Ohh, this is...

This is overwhelming to me. Oh, my God!

I don't... I... What...

I have the vapors, I... I'm hyperventilating.

- Why are these spoons just sitting there? - You don't get it.

- Sorry! Sorry. Sorry. - You don't get it.

Do you have any idea how much that costs?

Well, that space is 3,800 square feet

and it rents for $20 a square foot yearly.

Prorated to two months is 7,600 dollars.

The billboard... A little bit harder to decipher.

But I'd say based on the location and Mayor Braun's desperation,

8K all in.

Design and printing included. I don't know, maybe something like that?

Well, there's no way that Braun's got that much money.

Unless... this little campaign of ours

has caught the attention of the National Republican Party,

and they are sending money and reinforcements.

It's okay. It's exactly what we wanted to happen.

They are scared. On a national level.

They are scared of Colonel Jack.

So we have to plan our next move. Come here.

Gather round.

We are going to need

something a little like... that.

- And you scroll down... - There's a donate button.

Well, the money be just one clicky away.

And one clicky goes to where?

- Our website. - We don't have a web...

Awesome.

Good slogan, right?

You've been one step ahead the whole time.

Well, three or four. But thank you very much.

- I will take that. - Oh, wow.

Mmm.

Mm.

Know how I knew you were here?

Your pussy tingled.

Semicolon on the billboard.

Classic Faith Brewster over-punctuation.

Look, Zim, you all punched your ticket on a changing demographic

and now whitey don't want you back.

Okay, Jeb, exclamation point.

So why are you here?

Because I enjoy demoralizing you.

Because crushing the last piece of hope in your eyes really gets me off.

You are a twisted fuck, Faith.

And you don't know Jack.

Please don't tell me that is the campaign slogan you came up with.

This guy, Zim, he's not the last Jedi.

And even if he were, I'd still crush him, because that's what I do.

You realize in that analogy, you're Darth Vader.

Whatever you say, nerd.

- It was good to see you. - Yeah.

You look fat.

Hmm.

Divine, Ann. You have to tell me your secret sometime.

I would never tell you.

Never tell her.

Cream, two sugars.

- No, that's not how I take it. - I know, but...

And here's some streusel I made for you. It's still warm.

- No, no. I can't. - These are cookies I made for you.

- I'm getting fat. I can't do that. - They're called "The Garys."

Thank you. No, I appreciate it. Thank you.

- Okay, bye-bye. Thank you. - Okay. All right then.

- All right then. Bye-bye. Have a good day. - Okay. Up all night for nothing.

- Coming back. Here you go. - Just today.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- Bye-bye now. Bye-bye. - Bye, Gar.

Have a good one.

Okay, good night.

Oh, hey. Good night. I didn't know anybody else was here.

I just wanted to make sure everything was set for tomorrow.

I was just finishing up the pamphlets on immigration.

Ooh. That sounds complicated. I hope the small minds can manage.

I'm sorry about that.

Sometimes messaging for the base

doesn't resonate with the broader electorate.

Oh. Okay.

So to flatter them, you have to condescend to us.

I get it.

Uh, no, no, that wasn't...

That wasn't what...

Sorry.

How's your dad doing? Is he okay? Nervous?

- No. - No? Well, why would he be?

He's been through a war. He's not gonna sweat a fish fry.

No, he doesn't really get nervous.

Mm-mm. Just quiet.

Right.

Runs in the family.

- Maybe. - Ohh.

Yes, my mom was really more the talker.

She was...

You ever know anyone that just lit up a room?

Mm-hmm.

- Well, she was that. - Yeah.

- She sounds great. - Yeah.

So, why did your dad get involved with all this?

I mean, why speak at that meeting?

Why run when it involves talking and people?

I think he just loves this town, you know?

I think he'd do anything to save it.

What about you?

I guess I would do just about anything to save him.

I'll just take one.

Hey, how are you?

Pamphlet? Vote for Colonel Jack.

Vote for Colonel Jack.

Any kind of genealogy. It's an incredible database.

- Yeah. - All your information is in there.

Hey, Gary.

Sorry I'm late. I was just waiting for these to get finished.

Beer koozies might be a little more helpful than just the pamphlets.

How big is that booth?

- Faith. - Gary.

You seem to be doing a brisk business. "Deerlaken: Always."

So, apparently "Deerlaken über alles" was copyrighted?

Well, we were gonna go with "I'm with him"

until we remembered how fucking stupid it sounded.

No, no, no. I love it. I love the whole town genealogy angle.

It's got a real, bold "You ain't from around here" flavor.

With subtle notes of xenophobia.

Not to mention the cognitive dissonance

that your booth is basically a love letter to immigration.

That's a great observation.

So all these people are hypocrites? I'd run with that.

- All you have is fear. - Now we're getting somewhere.

Twenty bucks says I do better with fear than you do with shame.

- Oh. - Okay. It's all set, Miss Brewster.

Thank you, sweetie.

Well, well, well.

I'm really sorry, Mr. Z. I like working with you guys.

But I'm saving up for a car and she's paying us.

"Yay. She's paying us."

Wow, way to stand up for what you believe in there...

- M... - It's Michael.

Michael. I know his name is Michael.

I know it. I was pausing for effect. Michael.

- Thank you, Michael. - Character is destiny, Michael.

- Character is destiny. - Don't listen to him. He's a jerk.

Ooh. Good burn.

Jack has lived here for 30 years.

You really think you can run a campaign that paints him as a carpetbagger?

Probably not. But I think I can run one that says you are.

- Beer koozie. - Oh, my God.

Oh, Hastings koozie.

- Yeah. - Touché.

That's right. That's in our booth. What do you think of that?

What do you think of that right there?

Boom, boom. What do you think of that?

- Don't... - Ohh!

Sorry. Not you, Dot.

Oh, Dot.

- We're not doing this. - What?

Ugh.

You go through my stuff?

- Why here? You have your own room. - I don't want to smoke alone.

Oh, come on. Are... Really?

- Lord. - Ha ha!

Gary, I'm bored.

Please, can we just forget it?

You've made your point. There's Democrats with calloused hands.

Gonna bode very well for the midterms, I promise.

But can we all just go back to Washington

and forget that we ever made camp in a place

where the shit you skim off milk is considered a food?

They are called cheese curds and they are delicious.

- They're disgusting. - And you can't make poutine without them.

- Come on. Please? - Go.

You can go. You don't have to be here.

I made these people a promise. I'm a good person.

It's your last chance, Zim. I'm gonna make a big deal of this.

Tons of press, lots of money.

You're gonna lose and then you're gonna look like a giant asshole.

Good. That's what I want.

Not the asshole, but for you to make a big deal of this.

I want it to be a big deal. It is a big deal.

- Well, let's make it interesting. - Okay, why don't we?

The loser has to eat the winner's pussy out for an hour.

You better grab a big old bib 'cause it's chow time.

Dick chow time.

"Cause I'm gonna win, and you're gonna have to eat my dick for an hour."

And you know something? That's a long time dick-eating wise.

A long time!

To eat my dick.

In a dangerous world gone mad, we need emotionally stable leadership.

Only Mayor Braun is stable enough to keep Deerlaken safe.

To keep Deerlaken, Deerlaken.

I gotcha!

I'm Mayor Braun, and I approved this message. Here.

Paid for by Traditional Wisconsin Families for Faith and Freedom.

What's that mean?

They've taken the office Just across from mine.

They're definitely ramping up, so I'm gonna need the full crew.

If Zimmer wants to take a stand in Turdsville, USA,

I say we bury him here.

Sorry. Not a turd. Heart and soul of America.

- Get me the nerdy guy from Analytics. - Who's that?

I don't know his name.

He wears glasses and plaid.

- Has a very complicated beard. - Which one?

How the fuck does that not narrow it down?

- God-fucking-damn it! - What?

Then send me everyone, by yesterday.

I'll get on it.

Sorr... Hey, Dot.

- Gary. - Hey, big guy?

- Yes. - We got a problem.

What's up? Having trouble rounding up focus groups?

-Shh.

I don't even know what to say.

Hey, hey, everybody!

Do we know why we have dial-up in this space?

Duffy had it upgraded right before he closed his shop.

- Upgraded from what? - Nothing.

Well, is there any way we could piggyback Wi-Fi from some place?

There's a place where the kids go,

and they do homework and they play games and whatnot.

- I know the password. - Okay.

Solving problems.

Listen, I...

I don't think you're allowed to be here

unless you're on official school business, so...

- Okay, look, Officer... - Tommy.

Officer Tommy. Um, we are with the Hastings campaign,

and we're trying to get some work done here... it's sort of time-sensitive.

So, um...

Okay, here we go. Here is a pen.

- And one of these beer thingies. - Koozie.

Koozie.

And, uh...

thank you for your service.

Oh, for God's sakes.

Hello, boys.

Gentlemen, these are children!

-Hey.

- Great job, guys. - Do you know what that looks like?

Sitting in your car? A bunch of boys on a computer?

No, no, no. Thank you.

I see they sprung you from detention, huh?

Yeah. Apparently, small-town hospitality doesn't apply to Wi-Fi.

They're not too keen on strangers staking out a school parking lot. Kids and all.

Yeah. In hindsight, that makes complete sense.

- Guys? Could I talk to you for a sec? - Yeah.

In my office? Come on in.

Have a seat. You can leave the door open.

Here's the deal.

Our opponents are pumping

way more into this than I ever expected them to.

This rink y-dink stuff is not gonna fly. We need to up our fund-raising game.

Okay. Let's... Sure, do you want to do like a street fair or...?

That's a good idea.

No, it's not a good idea. Don't... No, we're not gonna do that.

Have you ever been to New York?

Oh, my God. Please unplug it. Please unplug it!

Unplug it!

I'm just looking at the guest list here.

Great. Great turnout.

Especially considering the short notice. Really good.

Mmm. Ever have one of those?

- Green beans? - Haricot vert.

Well, that's... French for green beans.

These are more delicate...

thinner, more flavorful.

- I didn't know you spoke French. - Mm.

- Would you like something? - No.

Is this too loud?

Hmm.

Richard and Ginnie Peeler are hosting.

He's a hedge fund swell, she's been saving the Hudson for about 25 years.

Richard Peeler? Yeah. Got it.

Are you like 127

It's not only that the sand traps are deeper,

but the quality of the sand at...

- Excuse me. Gary! - Hey, Dick. Peeler.

Gary. Thank you for coming.

Oh, my pleasure. Thanks for having us.

- We're really, really excited. - We're excited.

Jack? Jack. I'd like you to meet Richard Peeler.

- What an honor. - Jack Hastings. Very nice to meet you.

- Thank you for having us. - It's really an honor, yeah.

No, it's, you know, the authentic thing here. I see that.

It's amazing. Can I get you something to drink?

Sure. What would you like?

Uh, I'd like a little... tea, chamomile, if you have it.

All right. That's fine. You want a scotch.

- Yes, please. - Yes, I know that.

Does this have alcohol?

He's a criminal. Oh, thank you.

He's a criminal, trust me. I've done deals with him.

Our democracy is falling apart. We're gonna lose it.

Tom Friedman had a great line.

I like to say he's the Bitcoin of presidents.

Her whole dress line was made in China.

The man is mentally ill.

- Fuckface Von Clownstick. - I'm mad. We should all be mad.

I mean, what kind of person hunts elephants?

There's not a whole lot of the... What did you call it?

- Farm to table. - The farm to table.

I mean, I guess it all kind of, uh...

all goes from farms to tables of some kind.

We're so excited that you're all here, and we are so thankful

to our old friend for presenting us

with another informative and stimulating evening.

Oh.

You know him. You love him.

And sometimes hate.

- Hate writing the checks, but, you know... - Yeah.

- Gary. - Thank you. Thanks so much.

Thanks for coming. And thank you...

Keep that going for the Peelers, please. Their tremendous hospitality.

Listen, I'm not going to take up too much of your time other than to say

thank you all for being here.

One thing I do want to say, though,

is that Colonel Jack Hastings

is the embodiment of America's real greatness.

Service to nation, hard work, faith.

Republicans don't own those values. Do they?

They don't own 'em. They can't.

Inclusion. That's the most important of all.

But sometimes we get comfortable in our own little ideological bubbles.

I see them. You can't see them necessarily, but I see 'em.

There's a little bubble there, there's a little bubble there,

and we forget to reach out,

to find empathy and understanding across

religious, or racial,

or just plain geographical boundaries.

And I hope tonight changes that, even just a little bit.

So, without further ado,

I would like you to join me in welcoming the next mayor

of Deerlaken, Wisconsin,

Colonel Jack Hastings.

Hear! Hear!

Well, uh...

thanks, folks.

And thanks to Gary and to the Peelers.

Thank you.

Wow, this is a... great house. It's a great house.

Um...

I see some of you are

wondering what I'm doing here.

And...

I think I'm wondering the same.

Uh...

I guess that's the point.

Without all this, you might never have met me.

And I certainly wouldn't have met you.

But...

uh, now we have.

So, um...

Um...

Colonel? Colonel?

- Yeah? - Gary Zimmer, from the ♪.C. Bugle.

Um...

Why should a bunch of uptight Upper Westsiders

care about a little town in Wisconsin?

Uh, it's hard to say.

I guess we're hurting.

Looking for help from you.

What can we do to help?

I'll take that. Money. Money.

It's a serious question, actually.

You know, our politics seem broken.

Colonel, what do you see as the system's greatest weakness?

Hmm. Well, I guess, for one thing, this.

Here, tonight.

And I mean no disrespect.

I just think this seems a bit crazy.

I want to help my town. I want to be mayor.

Some town in the middle of Wisconsin.

So instead of being home working on some smart things to help my town,

I have to fly here to your town

and convince you that my town is worth saving.

And that I'm worth it.

And that saving it is worth it to you.

All so you can give me some money. Not for my town, but for me.

To help convince my town that I'm worth it.

I'm... I mean...

I don't know, it just sounds so stupid.

Still crying?

A little bit.

Mmm.

You gonna do that all the way home?

Yes.

Why?

Because the seat belt sign is on and I can't get up to hug you.

Damn, Jack.

You walked in there... into the lion's den like that...

- Daniel. - Yeah. And just...

You told them. Straight up.

This isn't right, this is wrong. The system is corrupt.

"I'm out of order. You're out of order. The whole damn system is out of order.

Attica!"

Money! Oh, God.

Their money is the problem?

Ohh!

- You should have seen their faces. - I saw.

They ate it up!

We could have named our price.

- Oh, no way Faith matches. - Why is that, now?

Oh, because they are spending to stop something

and we're spending to start something.

Hmm.

"I'm mad as hell and I can't take it anymore!"

Oh!

- Gary, you... Green bean? - No... No.

Okay. No, thank you.

Wow.

I am telling you, he is the real deal.

It is like a Bill Clinton with impulse control.

Like a church-going Bernie Sanders with better bone density.

- Hello. - Here they are. Here they are!

Ladies and gentlemen, the next mayor of Deerlaken

and his talented first daughter.

- Please join me. - You are fired up.

I am fired... Why wouldn't I be fired up?

I am working with the future of the Democratic Party here.

Oh, your dad the other night was transcendent.

He crushed it, and because of that,

I'd like to show you the fruits of your labor.

Because he was so good, I was able to hire...

the A team.

I am just kidding. They're not the A team. Not that you aren't great.

But this...

...Is the real A team.

- I get it, but what are the numbers? - I was thinking we want to open there.

Continue the conversation here and connect that.

You know Kurt Lehman? Polling and Modeling?

- Yes. Hi. - Hi.

Gives us a window into the electorate. Best in the business.

When everyone was predicting Hillary in a landslide over Trump,

Kurt was the one guy who had her just barely beating him.

My models just picked up the trend lines, so...

If the election had taken place a month or two later...

My numbers would have been 100% on the money.

Mm-hmm.

Wow. Impressive.

- Well... - Well, he was the least wrong.

Tina Kuryev. Analytics.

- She gives us a window into the voters. - Good to meet you, sir.

- Oh. I thought Polling did that. - It does.

He tells you how he thinks they feel, I tell you how they really feel.

- People are liars. - Here we go.

He can tell you how often people say they go to church.

- She can tell you if they actually go. - I can tell you if God is in their hearts.

- Oh, my God. - Tina is in Online Analytics.

Can I just say, we take deception into account too, okay?

Yeah, polling is an art form,

but there's plenty of science to back it up.

Says the guy still calling landlines.

People tell computers the truth, all right?

Their desires, their prejudices.

Every search, every transaction... It's an unguarded private moment.

So there's no margin of error, you know?

The digital footprint is your true self.

But surely people are more complicated than their online transactions.

Well, says the woman with three cats

and an intense search history of the herpes virus.

One of the cats...

Is this legal?

Law enforcement or in the eyes of God?

With two weeks to go until election day,

we have an update on the Deerlaken mayoral race.

The race between Colonel Jack Hastings

and incumbent Mayor Billy Braun is tightening.

Who here has been chosen as 527e7? Raise your hands, please.

One, two, three, four.

Good. You all run super PACs now.

You are no longer associated with this campaign.

And as such, it is time to move to your super PAC location,

which is all the way at the back of the room,

far, far away from the activity of the campaign.

Right now?

I am not at liberty to say.

The campaign cannot coordinate with the super PAC.

- So... - After the meeting.

♪ You always won Every time you placed a bet... ♪

Get me that fucking sat truck. Get it now. They're going to out-communicate us.

Here we have an unusual cluster of single women.

They're all going to get pamphlets saying that the mayor

is going to repeal the health care payment for birth control.

- What's this? - It's eight SMAWS.

Stay-at-home-middle-aged women, 29 to 54.

Twenty-nine? That's middle-aged?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Got to do it on the adjective. "Safe" streets. It's not safe "streets."

- Everybody wants safe streets. - No, no. That's coming off a little angry.

- Did you finish those donor calls? - Yeah, just about.

I just always had a notion that farmers...

Sorry. Are you clicking your heels?

Are you Dorothy? Is there no place like home?

♪ Turning on the charm ♪

- ♪ Long enough to get you by ♪ - ♪ Still the same ♪

America's greatness and God's grace?

I'd go to battle for those two any day.

Paid for by Wisconsinites for Religiously-based Compassionate Empathy.

- Did you just sigh? - Did he just sigh?

Don't even get me started with sighing.

Now here, this cluster in blue have children.

So, they're going to get pamphlets saying "Save Our Schools,"

because it's 1950 and everybody loves pamphlets.

Hi, my name is Jack. I'm exasperated.

Why don't we move on to the WoMAMs? White middle-aged men.

♪ I had nothing left to say ♪

♪ 'Cause you're still the same ♪

♪ Still the same Baby, babe, you're still the same... ♪

What's this?

Walt.

Is that an acronym?

No, it is not.

Can I still bring baked goods to the super PAC location?

No.

I'm Colonel Jack Hastings and I approve this message.

You want to come to Deerlaken, you'll have to go through him.

Paid for by Powerful Progressives for Strength.

So good.

- Thank you so much, sir. - You're welcome.

- Thank you so much for your support. - Thank you.

How the hell did she get the Bayou billionaires involved?

You okay? Do you need some help?

- Just fine. Yeah. - Okay. Thank you.

She must have promised that they could have the town smelted after the election.

I'm just very impressed with all this.

- You did the polling? - Uh-huh. In fact...

There it is.

- What is that? - No, "who" is that. Elton Chambers?

- The Rocket Man? - The billionaire Rocket Man, yes.

- Jesus Chr... I thought he was dead. - He is dead.

No, no, no. A series of micro-strokes. It's all good.

Sir Elton, thank you so, so much for coming.

Everyone, this is the great Sir Elton.

Let's get through the pleasantries.

This is Jack Hastings. And his daughter, Diana.

Hello, Colonel.

All right, well, let's get right to it then.

♪ Tell me, what is your position ♪

♪ Concerning the settlements ♪

♪ Of Givat and Shearim? ♪

Uh...

- I'm not sure I'm... - Israel.

Jack believes that sovereign nations are entitled to self-defense.

- Strongly. - Strongly believes. Yes.

Oh! Edna!

"An election is a moral horror.

As bad as a battle, but without the blood."

That's George Bernard Shaw.

- Get the car. - I think that went well.

- Seemed like a really nice guy. - Actually, looked pretty good, right?

- Yeah. - Surprisingly robust.

- Elton Chambers is in. - Yeah! All right.

Making it rain. He actually has a machine that makes it rain.

Excuse me. Gary? Mr. Zimmer?

Mm-mm. Becca. Super PAC.

Okay.

Big guy? We got a problem.

Hey, everybody!

Hard at work, I see. That's good, that's good.

I had a couple of questions. The first is... what the fuck?

What tactical genius in here thought it might be a good idea to carpet bomb

a particular neighborhood in this town

with flyers suggesting that Colonel Jack Hastings

would make sure that contraception is paid for by the government?

Uh, I did.

Oh-ho-ho-ho.

The data showed an unusually concentrated grouping of single women in the area

who are deeply interested in reproductive rights.

- And you know why that is. - Well, why is not really...

Because this concentrated grouping of single women, as you put it,

is a convent.

They are nuns.

Which is how many of them are going to end up voting for us.

"Nuns" of them. Zero.

It's not funny.

I'm not laughing.

Fuck.

Well, I think we can appreciate the humor in this very honest mistake,

and the fact that the nuns are generously turning the other cheek

- makes it a non-story, but... - Brooke, Brooke, if I may.

This is really just another perfect example of the ♪.C. elite

coming into a place they don't understand and trying to dictate how we should live.

The Democrat Party can't win, they're getting desperate.

They don't know us, they don't want to know us.

- And they look down on our values. - No. No. That's "we."

- You're ♪.C. elite. - Oh, no. Actually, I'm from here.

Faith, I didn't know that. You're from Wisconsin?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Well, no, "Deerlaiken." I'm from "Deerlaiken."

What? Whoa.

Wow. So this campaign has been a bit of a homecoming.

- It really is, Brooke. Thank you. - No, no, no. That's a lie.

- That's a lie. You're lying. - No. It's...

She's ly... That's not... What are you even doing?

Okay, well, as always, a great and spirited discussion.

Thank you, but unfortunately, we have to leave it there.

Coming up, we'll look at more of this year's hot races

and how those will affect races four years from now.

Why do you even lie about something like that?

Honestly, I... I don't even know.

"I don't even know." What do you mean you don't know?

You can't just lie about something like that.

You just walk away?

You just told America that you're from "Deerlaiken"?

That's not even how you pronounce it!

"Deerlaiken," my ass!

Oh, my God.

She's a fucking genius.

Oh, my God, I hate her so much. I hate her.

I hate her. She said it, and now it's the truth.

Fuck me.

- Come on, let's get out of here. - Hey, Mikes! How you doing, guys?

- Hello, everybody. - Hey, big guy.

Hey, Gary.

- Burger and Bud. - Thank you very much.

That looks great. Can I have one of those?

No.

- What you guys doing? Looking at some ads? - Yeah. They're just taking me through it.

Bio, very nice. Education, that's important.

Hey, are we sure that we want to be doing this here

and not in Faith's room or the mayor's office?

Because right now, I'm not sure

that our opposition knows exactly what we're about to do.

And that seems unfair. No, no! Don't put them away on my account.

Why don't we get one of those overhead projectors...

- Stop. - ...that you have at a bowling alley?

So everybody here can see it. Wouldn't that be good?

Kurt? Come on.

- Why do you talk to them like that? - Mmm! Like what?

Like that, like they're idiots.

Well...

Listen.

I saw some polls.

If we don't figure this out soon, there's no way we're gonna beat her.

- Our demographics are so... - "Her"?

- Who? - Her.

You said, "If we don't figure it out soon, we're not gonna be able to beat her."

We're not gonna beat her candidate. Braun. Mayor Braun.

Herr... Herr Braun.

- Herr, her. Same thing. - Mm-hmm.

Look, Gary, I don't really understand how you guys do things in ♪.C.,

but if you're gonna work for my father, you need to treat people with respect.

- "With." "With." - What?

Work with your father, not for. You said "for."

It's a semantic thing, but it's... You know, it's an important distinction.

Just so you know, they don't actually serve

hamburgers and Budweiser here because it's the Hofbrau Haus,

so they would serve German food and German beers.

They've been patronizing you.

Just so you know,

I don't even like hamburgers or Budweiser, so I've been patronizing them.

- Okay. - The whole time.

- Did a little switcheroo. - Oh, and just so you know.

Congratulations. Our campaign made the paper.

Oh, God.

She's so pretty.

I bet she smells like Pop-Tarts.

Is he still looking?

You know, Colonel Jack Hastings.

- Military man. - Absolutely.

- From the heartland. - Yup.

- No greater place in America. - No.

- Am I right? - No.

He is now part of the loony left.

Not just the loony left. He's not just a Democrat.

He has joined the...

- Squad. - Socialism.

Socialism.

Do you think it hurts our military

to have one of their own throw in with the Democrats?

I know that if I had served...

I wouldn't like it

Mmm.

Yeah.

Wow, that was a harsh segment.

Cutting but fair.

It's like I wrote it myself last night and sent it to them,

and they read it verbatim like a scene.

Go to bed.

What is this? What am I looking at?

- Those are the... - Why are we being outspent three to one?

And how do white women not realize they're backing the wrong horse?

- These numbers aren't solidified. - Yeah, well, you gotta make it happen.

Or you gotta find me some more fucking Hispanics.

Where are my fucking Hispanics?

I need some more fucking Hispanics, Kurt!

Hey, everybody.

Listen.

I am profoundly disappointed in the comments that I just made.

My words and/or actions

do not represent who I am as a person and...

- A teachable moment? - It is a teachable moment.

It's something I think we can all learn from.

And in that way, I feel like I have given you a gift.

- You're in my heart. - And from this moment on, I vow

to make this office a color- and gender-neutral work environment.

That is my... Are you gonna get that?

It's ringing off the fucking hook.

- Hundred percent. - What do you mean you're sure?

- I'm sure. - You're sure or you're just pretty sure?

- One-hundred-percent sure. - Okay.

Okay, Tina. Better not be another nun situation.

It's not.

- Hey, is your dad here? - Yeah. Dad?

- Yeah? - Come on in, Colonel.

So, um... we can't win.

The people in this town are pretty set in their ways.

And we lost the eight nuns. That wasn't good.

So, we can't win.

Well... you know, we appreciate all you've done.

I mean, the campaign and...

I'm just sorry we let you down, but...

Well, all I can say is thank you.

- Really, Gary, thank you for everything. - It was a hell of a ride.

Are you shitting me?

All I have to say is we can't win and you're through.

- You're out. - You said we can't win.

Unless. We can't win "unless." You didn't let me finish.

We can't win unless it turns out

that this town isn't the Mayberry everybody thinks it is.

I just got a little piece of intel that's kind of intriguing.

So, the mayor's brother, Ziggy... He had an oxy problem.

He was a roofer and got hurt on the job.

Yes, well, what you might not know is that the mayor...

pulled some strings, kept him out of jail, got him into rehab.

That is abuse of power, nepotism, probably some clerical shit in there.

Come on, Gary.

- We're the good guys, right? - Yeah, we're the good guys.

When they go low...

We go high.

Unless we also need to go low, apparently.

Only to keep those who would go lower out of power.

So, when they go low,

we go higher incrementally in relation to how low they went.

Regrettably, yes.

When they go low, we go almost as low, but we feel worse doing it.

You think they thought twice about making your dad look like a PTS nutcase,

and I'm going low because I'm gonna tell the truth about the mayor?

His brother is fragile, Gary.

This town is fragile. The whole area is fragile.

- Our democracy. - Oh, stop.

We're not doing it, okay? People are gonna get hurt.

I'm sorry, I really am, but sometimes

good people have to do shitty things in service of the greater good.

Isn't that right, Colonel?

Hey.

- Hey. - Yeah?

Gary, stop.

Is this politics?

It's not politics anymore, Diana. It's math.

That's what an election is. It's just math.

We need what they get plus one.

That's all.

And if I can't get that by getting more people to vote for your dad,

then I have to get fewer people to vote for Braun.

Hi.

- Come on in. - Thank you.

I'm so sorry.

I... I'm pulling the plug.

- Hey, hey. - Mean, we have the money we need.

We have more than we would need, and this would... destroy your brother.

- And I'm just so sorry. - Hey.

You have nothing to be sorry for.

You saved us, Diana.

Mm-hmm.

This place was done.

It's just another town in the middle of nowhere, going nowhere.

And everyone agreed... Yours was the best idea we had.

Unless you want to go back to the two Mikes' idea of...

...ostrich meat farms.

Diana, you moving back here, caring so much...

I mean, this whole thing...

Well, I just know how proud of you your dad is.

And how proud your mom would be.

And how grateful every single one of us are

for what you've done and everything you've given.

It's working.

Okay.

What do we do about Gary?

Whatever Gary thinks he's got...

why don't we just give him something better?

Hmm.

No, forget the rehab thing. This is bigger.

Obviously, you can't use my name, so just,

"Senior official with inside knowledge of campaign strategy."

Yes, you are welcome.

- Tell me they're running it. - They are running it.

- Yeah, baby! - Shit's gonna hit the fan.

- Oh, feels good. - Now, the word of the day is disappointed.

We are not mad at the mayor. We are not shocked.

- We're just disappointed. - Yeah, I am disappointed.

- I'm disappointed, too. - I mean, it's disappointing.

It is. You know what? He's the mayor.

- He betrayed us. - He betrayed us and it's disappointing.

- I'm hurt. - But I'm not mad.

- No, I'm disappointed. - Me too.

Tonight we have this picture of the alleged ten-year-old love child

of the Wisconsin mayor and the girl's mother.

We've obscured the child's face to protect her identity,

but left enough clues so that you could probably figure it out.

To discuss this important late-breaking story

we go to our panel with a feature you'll only see here on CNN,

the "duodecabox."

What do you think?

Bill, Diane, Liz, Carl, Barbra and... let's say, Craig.

Kaylie?

- Kaylie. - Yeah?

- Can you clean this up, please? - Sure.

It was an accident with a sandwich. Thank you.

Hey, man. Can I talk to you about White Power?

No, no.

It has been a hard-fought campaign, but now it's in the hands of the voters.

Excuse me. There's the colonel right there.

Colonel, come on in.

- Hi, good morning. - You get some rest?

- Yeah, we got a little bit. - Excuse us, folks.

- Good morning. - Excuse us.

There he is.

- Billy, hey. How are you? - Colonel. Good to see you, sir.

- How about a picture? - All righty. Ha ha!

Come on, come on. Let's go, let's go.

Oh, make sure you get this guy's ID.

Okay. Billy, we're just talking to Fox.

- Just Fox. - Hello. Good morning.

Good morning, Jack.

- Here. - All right.

- Your dad is really something. - Yeah.

- He's done a great job. - Yeah, yeah.

Over here?

- So have you. Thank you for everything. - My pleasure.

I was thinking, maybe later, if you wanna watch the returns come in?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, I'd love to.

Oh. Shoot. You know what? I have to head back to the farm.

- But I'll see you later, okay? - Okay.

Diana, aren't you gonna vote?

Nothing?

No early returns? What about exit polling?

Well, is there another precinct?

Wh... Where else can they vote? Was it all early voting?

What do you mean nobody has voted yet?

Big guy? You're gonna want to see this.

...smear Mayor Braun with a falsehood of an illegitimate child,

which, as the report you just read stated, is actually the man's dear niece.

Has the Hastings campaign apologized?

No, they haven't And it's too late for that.

- Braun continues to focus on the issues. - Oh, fuck!

And quite frankly, Brooke, the media owes the mayor an apology as well

for credulously covering a poorly-sourced story...

- Faith. Congratulations, well done. - What the fuck are you doing?

- A new low. - Oh, yeah.

Like I leaked a cocked-up story about a bastard child

who happens to be the man's fucking niece.

- Please, Gary. - You fed me that bullshit.

- You know? Go fuck yourself. - You go fuck yourself.

- You go fuck yourself. - Okay, you two.

Unfortunately, we're going to have to leave it there.

Thank you so much, Brooke.

- Thanks, Brooke. - Thank you so much. Thank you.

We're clear.

- Why would I leak this, huh? - To just make me take the bait?

You didn't just wanna win. You wanted to castrate me, didn't you?

If I wanted to cut your dick off, I would've done it in front of you

just to see the last look of horror in your eyes.

- You're telling the truth. - No shit.

- What the fuck is going on here? - Evan?

What...

- Evan? Evan, oh, my God! - What's up, Abby?

- How the hell are you? - How are you? Nice to see you.

- How's everything? - Yeah, I mean, it's going.

What the hell?

How the hell does he know her? Is he from here?

Gary, look at his shoes. I mean, really.

And we have Alan to thank for bringing this man to our attention.

- It's Evan. - Did I happen to mention...

Oh, shit.

- What? What? - Come on!

So, with 100% of the vote counted,

the mayoral race is tied.

One vote to one vote!

No! Okay... No, no, no!

Wait, wait, wait! Hold on! Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I, uh... I don't know exactly what's going on here, but it's weird.

- Could somebody explain what's happening? - Well, we had an election.

- Yes, I know that. - And we gave it our best.

- Just didn't work out. - Didn't work out? Jack, come on.

Do you know how much money we invested in this?

Yes, if the news media is to be believed,

more than 45 million dollars was raised between the two of you.

Oh, shit.

Did you sucker me, Jack?

- I guess. - You know what?

Folks, sorry, but I'm getting all that money back.

- From where? - We put millions into those PACs.

Well, campaign finance law says that money needn't be accounted for.

Oh, my God. I gotta give it to this place.

- Hey, Alan. - It's Evan.

Shit weasel. You're from this town, aren't you?

- Yeah. - You set this whole thing up.

You set me up, huh? You are so fired. And you're going to jail!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey. It was me. I did it.

You?

- Why? - You know...

It was just this weird idea I had 'cause the town needed money.

So you...

I shot the video and then had Evan show it to you.

We needed 750 grand over three years to keep the school from closing down.

We blew way past that.

We got enough to buy back the base, redevelop it.

And the speech? The viral speech?

Can I get a motion to vote?

Actually, I'm here about that... Fuck, what's the word?

Resolution. I'll get it.

- Mike, you wanna help him with... - Yeah.

- No. - Just have it low and...

Just leave enough room for that road sign in there.

- Am I supposed to have these glasses? - No glasses.

I'm lost.

Okay, Dad, that's good, but you have fo leave after.

All right, one more time. I guess they weren't principles.

They're just hobbies.

Holy shit, I think we got it.

And that was really just baiting the hook.

You guys took it from there. I was never expecting her.

Oh, I had a fucking blast.

So you used me.

We used you?

You guys only show up here once every four years,

and only then 'cause it's a swing state.

And then when it's over, you're gone.

But we're still here with all the same problems we had before,

just waiting around for you to come back

and make the same empty promises as last time.

We used the system.

You make millions of dollars funneling tens of millions of dollars

into this election economy.

All we did is take a cut.

Mmm.

Well... I guess I just...

I thought that maybe you and I had a little something.

I'm 28.

In what world would this... be okay?

♪ .C. and LA. Parts of New York. Miami. Maybe Dallas.

Look.

- It wasn't personal. - Mmm.

- It was math. - Math.

But this system? The way we elect people?

It's terrifying. And exhausting.

And I think it's driving us all insane.

The real problem is that the media is completely complicit in this whole thing.

I absolutely agree. It's like Postman said in Entertaining Ourselves.

- It's that news has become entertainment. - Yeah.

And when that happens, it's gone.

I thought he knew. I would get so nervous every time he would come in.

I would just like... I couldn't get my coffee order right.

- You were great. You were perfect. - I was giving him the wrong thing.

- Plus, he has dreamy eyes a little bit. - He's dashing.

He actually made me cry.

- He was like a shithead. - Yeah.

It metastasizes, so it keeps growing and...

Well, it becomes sort of like any sort of autoimmune disorder.

- Yeah. - It's like lupus. You know what I mean?

- That's actually a really great metaphor. - It's a simile.

- It's like... 'Cause you said... - 'Cause I said, "It's like."

- You said, "It's like." - Yeah, right. It's like lupus.

What a clusterfuck.

Amen.

How we looking?

Well, they're saying these back acres

are gonna become the over-55 community health center.

Madison has promised a satellite campus for the front.

Okay.

And you know that we have to redo the septic on the back 50.

- We heard all about it. - Okay.

- Hey, you. - Hey, you.

She is something, huh?

Hmm.

Are you listening to me?

Are you listening to me?

Are you listening to me?

Oh, Gary, honey. I'm just so excited.

I can't wait until we get the cafe tables in.

I think people are really gonna like those a lot, you know?

And then we can put the umbrellas up.

And people can just sit outside and have coffee and, you know...

Are you... Are you listening to me?

Are you listening to me? Hey, fuck up!

Hey, fuck up. Are you listening to me?

Yes, yes, yes. I'm listening to you.

You don't open a dossier for less than two million dollars.

I know. That's what I'm talking to them about right now.

- Two million dollars. - God, I hate you.

Ditto.

Gary? Gary, are you there?

Gary?

Yo, Gary.

Colonel Jack Hastings, Deerlaken.

Did the media fall for a false narrative

just because it fit into our preconceived notion

of the divide of this country between red and blue

without actually checking the facts?

Were we irresponsible?

Well, we're the news. Are we not supposed to cover the news?

I mean, these are newsworthy stories.

We're absolutely in the right to cover them.

It is literally our job to cover the news.

But isn't there a way to report the news without so much speculation,

without a false sense of urgency

that causes us to breathlessly report facts that maybe are not facts,

and are we framing these stories on an artificial right-left axis

because that's how our pundit economy is set up?

Is there a better way to do this?

I'm just kidding. Unfortunately, we have to leave it there.

Thank you all for watching.

She's kidding!

♪ Talking like we used to do ♪

♪ It was always me and you ♪

♪ Hold on, darling ♪

♪ This body is yours ♪

♪ This body is yours and mine ♪

♪ Well, hold on, my darling ♪

♪ This mess was yours ♪

♪ Now your mess is mine ♪

♪ Your mess is mine ♪

♪ See you in the marketplace... ♪

Could something like this happen?

Legally, this could absolutely happen.

Somebody could create a political organization,

a so-called outside group, a super PAC, 527,

raise an unlimited amount of money

and then choose to give that money

to another organization... a charity...

And use it for public purposes.

And you don't need the donor's consent to do that.

The problem we have is that

none of the pieces of the system are working today.

You have regulators like the Federal Election Commission

that don't have a quorum, can't meet,

and when they do, they disagree on what the law is.

You have Congress deadlocked, so it can't rewrite the laws.

You have the Supreme Court that thinks almost nothing is corrupt

and that citizens won't think the sale of access...

What the Court calls ingratiation in return for giving money to candidates...

Is a problem.

So, to sum up,

we currently have hundreds of millions to billions of dollars

that is untraceable,

that can pour into groups

that are actually coordinating with candidates

who end up having to spend a good amount of their time

raising more and more money to keep up with the arms race that is occurring.

Uh, the money continues to pour in and corrupt

not just where they spend their time and how they spend their time,

but on the types of legislation that they would even bring to the fore.

And the one group that would be charged with regulating this spigot,

uh, doesn't meet 'cause there aren't enough of them.

Yes.

I realize that's not helpful to you, but...

It is very helpful. Thank you.

♪ Your mess is mine ♪

♪ Your mess is mine ♪