All language subtitles for Dirty.Sexy.Money.S01E03

NICK; My father worked as a lawyer
for the richest family in New York,

until his plane went down
in Long Island Sound.

He left me his biggest client,
the Darlings.

Tripp, the empire builder.

NICK: So, you knew about the affair
between Letitia and my father?

Of course.

NICK; Letitia,
the sophisticated socialite.

Patrick, the principled politician.

-I don't want to run for Senate.
-I think that you shouId run.

What do you want to do?

NICK; Karen, the professional divorc¨Ĥe.

Nick is my past.
You're my future, okay?

NICK; Brian, the man of God.

I Iied to my wife and daughters
Iast night.

I toId them that you were an orphan.

-Does he speak EngIish?
-No, just Swedish.

NICK; And Jeremy and Juliet,
the well-behaved twins.

Don't Iie to me, Jeremy,
especiaIIy about NataIie Kimpton.

I want you.

-If JuIiet found out...
-She won't find out.

NICK; My father was gathering
information on billionaire Simon Elder.

If I were trying to figure out
who had kiIIed my father,

that's the guy I'd start with.

You have to eat good food.
I'm putting the carrots in your Iunch.

Oh, Dad. Yuck!
I mean, they taste Iike toenaiIs.

How do you know what toenaiIs
taste Iike? That's not right.

Why is Patrick DarIing on TV?

Because he is running for
the United States Senate.

WO MAN ON TV;
So you're willing to go on record

that you have never
committed adultery?

PA TRICK; Ever since I got married,
I've done nothing, Lara,

but be faithful to my wife
and try to set a fine moral example

for my children
and all the people of New York.

So, Patrick's reaIIy running?
Tripp got what he wanted.

He usuaIIy does.

You know, I think
he'II make a great senator.

Okay, I think that's enough TV.

Why don't you go get your book report
and finish getting ready for schooI?

Okay.

Are you sure going to the poIice about
Simon EIder is a safe thing to do?

Don't you think you might need
a IittIe more evidence before accusing

the richest man in the worId
of being a murderer?

Look, Lisa, the evidence I have
is the evidence I have.

What do you want me to do?
Just wait and see? I can't.

You can ask Tripp for heIp.

You agreed to represent the famiIy.
It's the Ieast he can do.

Yes, but can I trust him? Maybe.

So, being Tripp DarIing's trusted
advisor doesn't have a whoIe Iot to do

with trust, does it?

UntiI I find out who kiIIed my dad, no.

-Morning, CIark.
-Good morning, Mr. George.

So, what? Tripp thinks if he sends
the RoIIs, I'II take a ride to work?

Hop in, Nicky.

-What, did you just wake up?
-God, no. I haven't sIept a wink.

What's the matter?

I'm tormented by the thought that
Simon EIder couId've had something to

do with that pIane going down.
We have to do something.

-WeII, I'm seeing the poIice Iater today.
-The poIice?

I don't think the poIice wiII be
much heIp with Simon EIder.

A man in that kind of position,
the poIice can't reaIIy...

I mean, I think he's probabIy
pretty much untouchabIe.

-I couId have someone Iook into it.
-No, that's aII right, thanks.

Your dad had a private investigator
that we used a coupIe of times...

Tripp, here's what I think we shouId do.
I think we shouId Iet the poIice

handIe the matter, Iet them decide

whether or not
there's reason for suspicion.

That's what I think we shouId do.

CIark, right here, pIease.

You stiII think someone in our famiIy
couId have been responsibIe?

-I didn't say that.
-PersonaIIy,

I think the dossier your dad compiIed
on Simon EIder

is pretty damning.

WeII... And I'm bringing it in
to the poIice Iater today.

I just have to be abIe to do it my way.

PIease.

Okay.

Look, I'm just going to
run home from here.

I'II see you Iater this morning, okay?

You take care of yourseIf, okay?

Daisy, I need you to go on the Internet

and find out aII the information
you can on Simon EIder.

I want interviews, profiIes, corporate
reports, anything you can find.

-No probIem.
-I aIso need you to make one copy

of every piece of paper in this dossier.

-I have to bring it to the poIice Iater.
-No probIem.

And I don't want to be bothered by
anyone for at Ieast the next hour.

ProbIem.

Rebecca CoIfax,
DarIing famiIy pubIicist.

WeII, I'm charmed aII over again.

-Rebecca CoIfax is here for you.
-Yeah, I see. Thanks, Daisy.

-What's up?
-This.

The caII came into my office at
2:00 a.m. for Tripp.

Why is Tripp getting caIIs
at your office?

Guess they didn't have his home
number. What a surprise. Listen up.

MAN; (IN AUS TRALIAN ACCEN T)
Hey, Mr. Darling.

Just thought you might want to know.
There's a pretty raunchy sex tape

gonna hit the web at
midnight Thursday

if you don't pay me 1 million American,

you tall poppy.
That's right, one bloody mill.

Oi, turn it down, Rach!
Wouldn't be too good

for your little Paddy's
Senate campaign, now, would it?

Wait to hear from me.
I've got you by the nutties now, mate.

-Hmm.
-Uh...

So, wait...
Have you toId Tripp about this yet?

-Not yet.
-Good, don't.

-Did you contact the poIice?
-I'm contacting you.

UntiI this thing becomes a matter of
pubIic record, which it won't

if you do your job, it's a IegaI probIem.
It's not an after-schooI spin project.

Besides, Patrick's campaign Iaunch
is tomorrow night,

and, between the good press
and the bad press,

I'm kind of up to my knees in freaks.

Yeah. WeII,
Iet's just think for a second.

Do we even know that
this tape actuaIIy exists?

Think about it. Patrick DarIing.

I'II taIk to him.

TRIPP: Patrick.

I saw your IittIe performance on
Lara Cumberland.

Come on, son.

You can't spend your whoIe campaign
fieIding questions about...

What do you caII it? I mean,
it's going to come out, this sex thing.

I tried to taIk poIicy, Dad.

-She pushed.
-Yeah, and somebody's gonna shove.

What do you think I shouId do?

-I'm sure you have a detaiIed pIan.
-Patrick.

You can do great things if we can
win this eIection. Great things.

You have to get your house in order.

You have to Iet this person go.

Right.

Thanks.

JuIiet DarIing,

is it true you got banned from
the ArgyIe for starting a fire?

-That was an accident!
-Isn't this reaIIy about NataIie Kimpton?

You hate each other so much,
you can't even stay in the same hoteI?

-Is that what she said?
-Oh, no.

She said you're ''a smaII-minded
fashion victim.'' End quote.

WOMAN 1 :
Do you have a comment to that?

WOMAN 2: JuIiet!

I have never wanted anything
but good things for NataIie.

I wish her success and happiness.

Peace out! Bring the boys home!

(ALL CLAMORING )

NATALIE: Hey, Jeremy,

-you know what wouId be so random?
-Hmm?

Me going to Patrick's bash.

No.

You and JuIes at the same party
can never happen, ever.

If she even suspects
we're seeing each other...

But, Jeremy,

there's a diamond neckIace there
that I wouId kiII for,

and peopIe get to take
whatever they want, right?

-I'II buy you the neckIace.
-No.

I don't want you to buy it,
I want it for free.

-Paying for stuff sucks.
-NataIie, no.

You got my sister thrown out
of the hoteI.

-I did not!
-I saw you taIking to the manager.

It was about my smoothies.

They were putting in
way too much banana.

You don't seem to mind
when I put in too much banana.

NICK: So, I hate to ask you this,

but you've never fiImed yourseIf
performing a sexuaI act, ever,

-with EIIen or anyone?
-No.

-Not with CarmeIita?
-Nick,

what part of ''no''
do you not understand?

-Just be compIeteIy honest with me.
-I'm being compIeteIy honest with you.

I never made any sex tape, I mean...

Quite frankIy, I don't find them
to be very romantic.

Okay. WeII, do you think it's possibIe

that somebody couId have fiImed you
without your knowIedge, for...

Nick, did anyone ever say that
it was actuaIIy me on the tape?

Did someone ever... Did they say that?

No.

We just assumed that...

(PATRICK SCOFFS )

There it is, Nick. You assume,
you make an ass out of you and me.

That one's for free.

-Don't go, I just got home.
-I have to. I've got to go to Russian.

-Don't you mean Russia?
-No.

I started taking Russian
for the space tourism program.

Oh.

I have to know what it means
if they say...

(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)

-What does that mean?
-''Open the airIock, Ivan.''

Catherine? Can I pIease be
done unpacking? Thank you.

What's going on with you IateIy?

What? Nothing.

I'm sensing some sort of weird vibe.

You know how my twintuition
gets reaIIy good

a month before our birthday?

-There's no such thing as twintuition.
-Yes, there is, and you know it.

Like the time you feII into the weII at
EIton John's estate and I knew,

or when you broke your wrist
at tennis camp and I knew.

I caIIed you from my ceII phone.

Yeah, but I knew
you were going to caII.

So, you think Simon EIder,
the biIIionaire phiIanthropist,

-bIew up your father's pIane?
-I'm expIoring the possibiIity.

This guy who Ioves everybody,

and stamps out hunger,
and AIDS, and everything,

had it in for your dear oId dad?

Do you know where I might find
AngeIina Adams?

She was the detective that
I spoke with at the crash site.

She got transferred.
So, what was his motive, you think?

-Did your father even know Mr. EIder?
-I'm not sure.

I'm just asking if you can Iook and
see if there's a possibIe connection.

Look, aII of this
was in my father's briefcase.

There's evidence here that
EIder's appIication for

AIien EmpIoyment Certification
was tampered with

when he entered the country
from Russia, back in 1 9 79.

And here, on his
Information DiscIosure Statement,

which he signed when he patented
his Prism Processor,

he faiIed to discIose prior art.

Do you know what that means?

It couId have been
someone eIse's idea?

It couId be
he stoIe someone eIse's idea,

and my father knew about it.

You know what, Mr. George?
Can I keep this for a day?

-Yeah, sure.
-I'II have our peopIe Iook them over,

-and we'II get back to you.
-I mean, Iook, it may mean nothing.

It may. You never know. It may.

I'II caII you tomorrow.

(PHONE RINGING )

-Hey, Daisy, I'II be there in ten...
-Rebecca Colfax, family publicist.

Do you ever get tired of saying that?

Our Aussie friend just sent me
an e-maiI outIining his requirements.

He wants the money hand-deIivered,
5:00 p.m. tomorrow, Pier 2 1 .

Exactly one hour before
the campaign launch at Bulgari.

And we know the tape exists
now, Einstein.

There was an audio fiIe
attached to the e-maiI.

You have a recording of
the sex tape, huh?

Yeah. It's pretty rough,

but you can definiteIy hear
someone say, ''Paddy.''

And it sounds about 50o% Iike a dude.

-WeII, I've spoken with Patrick.
-And?

He cIaims he never made a sex tape,
says they're not romantic.

Let me Iet you in on a IittIe secret
about the DarIings, Nick.

They lie.

So, I'm just asking you to be
honest with me.

Have you ever made a sex tape?

Nick,

I teII you this with, um...

With a great sorrow,

but the onIy sex tapes I ever had
are the ones in my coIIection.

-But you've never made a sex tape?
-You mean, Iike, a mix tape?

Like the one you made me
when we were 1 2?

The one with Babe, I Love You on it.

(SINGING )
Babe, I love you

No, Karen. A sex tape.

-That's impossibIe.
-What do you mean, impossibIe?

Just that.

-It is not possibIe.
-Okay.

So you had a coIIection of sex tapes?

Yeah, but they were not of me,
they were of, Iike, ceIebrities.

Remember?

Babe, I love you

Nick, if I teII you something,

do you promise not to teII anybody?

-You have a sex tape of Buddy Ebsen?
-Had.

It's probabIy JuIiet.

I'm a virgin.

(EX CLAIMS )

Wow. That's a surprise.

-A reaI, totaI virgin?
-Yeah.

I've never even...

WeII, anything.

-JuIiet, why do you...
-Let everyone think I'm a sIut?

-Yeah.
-It's easier.

Okay, just to be sure,

not even any kissing, or touching, or
heavy petting, whiIe a camera was on?

How do you Iive with yourseIf?

-They aII said no.
-ToId you. Patrick made the sex tape,

Patrick's a Iiar, and Patrick's going to
be the next Iying President

of the United States of Lying America.

''Birds roost with their own kind,
so honesty

''wiII come home to
those who practice it.''

-Amen.
-ALL: Amen.

-You speak EngIish?
-No, he doesn't.

(CHUCKLING )

Not a word.

He saw me reading the BibIe,

and ''Amen'' is the same in Sweden.

Amen, right?

-Amen.
-Amen.

See, it's the same in Sweden.

(WHISPERING ) Honey, I'm as sorry
about this as you are.

I feeI Iike a piece of trash.

-You are not a piece of trash.
-I know.

-You just make me feeI Iike one.
-Me?

-You're the one that toId me to run.
-Yeah, but I didn't...

I didn't think you'd break up with me.

I thought they were two totaIIy
different issues.

ObviousIy they're not.

-Wait, don't... PIease don't go, stay.
-I can't.

Can't we just have one Iast nice time?

We aIready did, we just didn't know it.

-Hey, Rebecca CoIfax, famiIy pubIicist.
-We know.

Once we set your meeting with our
Aussie sIime, he sent the dinky-di.

''Dinky-di''?

It's Aussie for ''the reaI thing.''

Goes pubIic day after tomorrow
unIess we come up with the mooIah.

That means ''money.''

It's showtime, foIks.

( CO UPLE MO ANIN G ON VIDEO )

What the heII are they doing?

The ItaIian Banker.

How do you know that?

The reverse ItaIian Banker.

(WO MAN MO ANIN G ON VIDEO )

WeII, I hate to say it, but I guess
you were right about the Iying.

Good thing it's not Patrick.

It's good for him,
but it's the same for the campaign.

The DarIing famiIy name is
stiII the DarIing famiIy name.

We've stiII got to pay.

(LO UD MO ANIN G ON VIDEO )

Oh, my God! Just turn it off!

-Any Iuck with the poIice?
-Yeah.

ProvisionaIIy, actuaIIy.
They're going to Iook into it.

You showed them the documents
that were in your dad's briefcase?

I did. They're going to Iook them over.

-The originaIs?
-No, of course not. Copies.

Good. WeII, I mean, it's a surprise,
but it's a good one. I'm pIeased.

You stiII don't beIieve, do you,
that I had nothing to do with this?

HonestIy? I'm not sure.

(INTERCOM BEEPING )

-Secretary of State for you, sir.
-Thank you, HeIen.

Your dad was my roommate at YaIe.
He was my best friend, ever.

-Tripp, don't you need to get that?
-In a second.

He was the first person I hired when
my dad put me in charge of the famiIy.

He saved me from certain death twice.

Once in the Mentawai IsIands,
and once when we were up

in Saskatchewan, hunting moose.
I took a stray buIIet in the Ieg.

He carried me on his back
six-and-a-haIf miIes to the Iodge.

There's no way that
I wouId have wanted him dead.

Not even knowing he had an affair
with your wife for 40 years?

I didn't know.

You're going to have to
start trusting me sometime,

or this is not going to work.

Tripp DarIing.

Hey, Condi.

No, I had the occasion to hear
your cousin, Constance, speak.

What cIarity of vision.

What an extraordinary famiIy
you have, Madam Secretary...

(PHONE RINGING )

-It is your sister again.
-Can you grab it for me?

She'II just keep caIIing if you don't.

Jeremy,

you're a very handsome, very cooI guy.

You don't need your sister
2 4 hours a day.

Disconnect.

The Iast time we did it,
you taIked to LiIo the whoIe time.

That was different. She was bombed.

-Hey, Sis.
-I've Ieft, Iike, three messages.

I'm sorry, I've been kind of tied up.

What are you doing?

I'm chiIIing with some freaks.

What shouId I wear tonight,
to the campaign Iaunch?

A burnoose or something. Shake it up.

Jeremy, are you even Iistening to me?

-Jeremy?
-Yeah, I'm Iistening!

-Fine, whatever, perf, bye.
-Bye.

This is not going to end weII.

So, aII right, I made a sex tape.
It's not Iike it's against the Iaw.

WeII, I'm not saying it's against the Iaw,
Karen. It's just you...

You Iied to me.

(LAUGHING ) Oh...

-I hurt your feeIings.
-No, Karen.

Oh, I'm sorry, Nick.
I won't do that again.

-Who's the guy?
-Why?

-You a IittIe jeaIous? Just a IittIe bit?
-Karen.

Look, Karen, I'm just trying to
figure out a way

to get around sheIIing out
$ 1 miIIion for this thing. That's it.

-(SOFTLY) Okay, it's Freddy's caddy.
-What?

-It's Freddy's caddy.
-Freddy's caddy?

-Oh, weII, that expIains that.
-ExpIains what?

''Caddy.'' ''Paddy.'' Nothing. Nothing.

Okay, I just...

I need you to promise me
that he won't find out about this.

-Freddy?
-No, Daddy.

He doesn't know it's me
on the tape, right?

-He doesn't know there's a tape.
-So you Iied for me?

-Yeah, I omitted a few things.
-Nick.

Thank you. You are so sweet.

AII right, here's what you need to do.
Go to the Bowery branch

of Fortunato Brothers
and ask for PauIo Vova.

PauIo Vova. And he's just going to
give me $ 1 miIIion?

-He's never met me.
-WeII, Nick, if I go in and ask him

for money to pay off a bIackmaiIer
for a sex tape,

he's just going to go and teII Daddy.
Like he did Iast time.

I reaIIy appreciate this.
I know it's short notice.

Not at aII, Mr. George.
This is why we're here.

I was very sorry, by the way, to hear
about your father. We were friends.

He was... He was a good man.

Thank you.

AII of this money beIongs
to the DarIings?

(REPLYING IN ITALIAN)

And they have vauIts Iike this
aII over the city.

-Do I need to teII you why...
-No, no.

It's none of my business, Mr. George.

I never asked your father,
I wiII never ask you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Thank you, PauIo.

Mr. Vova, pIease. I'm a banker.

An ItaIian banker.

Yes, I'm very famiIiar
with the sexuaI position.

It was named for my grandfather.

Okay? Enough.

(NICK CLEARING THROAT)

Thanks, Steven.

Do you know how much Iove
I've given up to be in this famiIy?

To be who my dad wants me to be?

How much Iove and simpIe affection?

Sweet nectar.

Mr. DarIing, you have a speech
to make in Iess than an hour.

Enough Iove for 1 0 Iifetimes!

Two more Potcheens, Steven.

Funny thing is, I'm not aIIowed
to be Ioved for who I reaIIy am.

Poor peopIe,

nobodies, reguIar beings
that onIy God sees,

they can be Ioved for who they are,
but not me.

-Because, you know why?
-We shouId reaIIy go, sir.

Because I am a scion.

I'm a DarIing twig!

A tender shoot that's stuck to a tree

that I cannot Iive without.

So, here's to the tree.

Here's to the tree, CIark.

Here's to the tree

that's kiIIing me.

-Come on. Let's go, Mr. DarIing.
-Okay.

I'm going to drive, though. I'm at Ieast
going to be in controI of that!

Sir, sir...

Come on.

Hey.

-Are you Mr. George?
-Yeah.

-Where's your boyfriend?
-Something came up, so he sent me.

AII right, fine, whatever.
Where's the tape?

I'm sorry, this is reaIIy awkward.

-What the heII is going on?
-We can't seII you the tape.

What do you mean,
you can't seII me the tape?

-We don't have it no more.
-You've got to be kidding me.

I just went and got $ 1 miIIion.
I have $ 1 miIIion in this bag.

I know! Look, maybe we couId go
and get a cup of tea or something...

No, we can't go get a cup of tea!
I'm in a hurry,

I have to be at a poIice station
in 1 0 minutes.

-What, about this?
-No, about something eIse entireIy.

So if you're pIaying
some kind of game with me...

I'm not! We feeI reaIIy bIoody awfuI
about this, Mr. George!

This is not how we do business.

It's just that we got a much bigger offer.

From who? Who'd you seII this tape to?

I don't know!

We never even met them. We just
got a phone caII out of the bIue,

giving us instructions, put the tape
into a postbox, and that was that.

God heIp me.

WeII, I hope this doesn't affect
any future business

-that we might do, Mr. George.
-Oh, I'm sure it won't.

No, it's aII good.

That's it? You're done?

We Iooked at the materiaIs,
Mr. George,

and there's nothing in there
that reaIIy incriminates Simon EIder.

And you did aII of this in one day.

Look, you said yourseIf that this stuff
from your father's briefcase

may not mean anything, and your
instincts were right on the money.

Did Detective Adams
get transferred off this case

because she was wiIIing to
Iook into things

that you're obviousIy being paid not to?

Detective Adams foIIowed
her actor boyfriend to Los AngeIes.

What are you gonna do? Women.

(PHONE RINGING )

-HeIIo?
-CLARK; Mr. George.

-Yeah.
-It's CIark, the driver.

Hey, CIark, what's up?

I'm up here at 86th and 2nd Avenue.

Yeah, what's the probIem?

I've got Patrick up here. He's, uh...

I'm not going, Nicky. I won't go.

He's in a bit of a state.

PA TRICK; Tell him I'm not going!

I'II be there as soon as I can.

I'm standing here Iive in front of

the new BuIgari retaiI store
in Manhattan,

which opens its doors
to the pubIic tomorrow.

But tonight, it wiII pIay host to
Patrick DarIing's

campaign Iaunch and fundraiser.

An unconventionaI way to
fund a run for Senate,

but couId we reaIIy expect
anything Iess from a DarIing?

That's right,
New York's eIite have turned out

for this amazing event tonight and...

Oh, hoId on, this couId be Patrick now.

MAN: Hey, there's his wife. Hey, EIIen!

-EIIen, EIIen, where's the candidate?
-Oh, he'II be here shortIy.

He's just putting some Iast touches
on his speech.

Thank you.

MAN: JuIiet! Right here!

(GREETING IN FRENCH)

JuIiet, how do you feeI about
your brother running for the Senate?

-He is the best!
-He rocks my Casbah!

Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God.
-What is she doing here?

She must be a supporter.

NataIie Kimpton, does your appearance

at Patrick DarIing's fundraiser mean
that you and JuIiet have made up?

When she's ready to apoIogize,
I'm ready to Iisten.

(GASPS )

This is so utterIy debasing.
We have to get her off the Iist!

-She's aIready on the red carpet, JuIes.
-God!

-I want to go home.
-No, no, Iook, it's a big store,

it's a big store. You won't
even see her, okay? Trust me.

Go, Patrick.

-Thanks for not taking him in.
-No probIem.

I used to do the same thing
for your dad.

HeIps keep the press out of the picture.

Patrick.

Nick, how you doing?

You were supposed to be at BuIgari
20 minutes ago.

You're giving a speech 1 0 minutes
from now.

Oh, no, I'm not.

-Patrick...
-I can't do it without her.

I'm reaIIy sorry about this, guys, but
I'm going to have to take someone in.

Too many witnesses.

-I got it.
-What are you doing, CIark?

Standard procedure, I'II be fine.

How the heII are we going to get you to
this fundraiser in seven minutes?

We'II get you there, Mr. George.

Do you know
what CarmeIita did for me once?

I don't think I want to hear.

She made me 30 pairs of underwear
with my favorite Yankees on the butt.

Thurman, Reggie, Yogi.

That's Iove.

What kind of a jerk throws that away?

AII right, Pat, Iisten.
You've got to puII yourseIf together.

Don't you teII me to
puII myseIf together, Nick.

Because that's
what my dad aIways says.

''PuII yourseIf together, Pat,
puII yourseIf together, Pat.''

AII right, I'm sorry.

I mean, that's why your dad
was so cooI.

He never toId anybody to
puII themseIves together.

He wouId say, ''Let yourseIf go.''

You know, I Iove that.

It's so exhausting, Nick.

I'm aIways disappointing him.

I mean, I can't even imagine
what it's Iike to just be yourseIf.

To just do something, and have
your dad say, you know, ''Great job.

''You, you, you're good.''

It's great, right? It's a great feeIing?

Yeah, I guess.

Dutch was so proud of you, Nick,
you must know that, right?

I know he was proud of me.

I didn't give him
very many opportunities to say it.

(CHUCKLES )

Does anybody get Iife right?

I don't know.

I just know that,
no matter what, tomorrow

is another day, another opportunity,
another chance.

I Iike that.

-He speaks EngIish.
-Who?

The orphan. Gustav.

-CompIimentary watch?
-And very weII, not just ''Amen.''

No, thank you.

Wait.

Thanks.

WeII, what did he say?

He said to the twins,

''How come the sponge
eats burgers underwater

''and the buns don't get soggy?''

ReaIIy?

That Iying IittIe street urchin.

-Who knows if he's even an orphan?
-I'm gonna taIk to him.

And I'm gonna find out.

This reaIIy cheeses me off.

-What do you think of these?
-TranspIendent.

-Wait, what about these?
-Even better. Maximum.

You don't think they're too big?

You Iook a IittIe Iike a fIy,
but that's not aII bad. Bugs are cooI.

-I can't focus.
-Maybe they're prescription.

Having NataIie here is driving me
insane. I'm getting shingIes!

You just go ahead
and you forget about her.

I can't.

Not with every third yahoo in here
coming up to me,

making sure I know she's here.
Throw her out.

I can't. It's not my pIace.

-You Iike her.
-Ow!

Is this the whoIe twintuition thing?

Because I think that
you are being kind of jammed.

I don't need twintuition to
see you googIing her ass!

-Wait, don't you mean ''ogIing''?
-Whatever!

I'm going to throw it out!

(BOTH EX CLAIMING )

You can't just kick me out
because of some stupid perfume!

-Oh, weII, it's not about the perfume!
-So what, then?

So it's true! DarIing NataIie
was intended as a joint reIease?

-No!
-No!

No! I aIways knew it was going to be
Daring NataIie,

-and then she was Iike...
-Oh, right!

''Put in the 'L'! Put in the 'L'!''

That is such a Iie! It was supposed to
ceIebrate our friendship!

Get her off of me! She's feraI!

I don't even care
about your stupid perfume.

You stoIe my bangs,
and I'II never forgive you!

Oh, my God!

-Bangs? It's aII about bangs?
-Who had the bangs first?

You can't even puII off bangs anyway.
Look at your face!

That's enough.
SettIe down, both of you!

-NATALIE: She started it! Whore!
-You did!

Hey, you shut up.

You do not crash my brother's party
and act Iike such a seIfish freak.

It's not cooI.

(SIRENS WAILING )

Oh, my God. The poIice.

As Iong as he's here.

Good evening. I hope I'm not too Iate

to taIk about the future
of the greatest city in America.

So, what did I miss?

To aII the new famiIies that
arrive at this city every singIe day

from pIaces Iike the Dominican
RepubIic, and Russia, China, Jamaica,

my message remains the same.

Tomorrow is another day,
another opportunity,

another chance at the American dream.

So, I thank you very much,
thank you for coming,

and God bIess America.

He's perfect.

Let's go for air.

Hey, Karen?

Karen, I'm sorry to bother you guys,
but can we taIk?

Yeah, about what?

Oh, we're going to get sushi,
you can just come and join...

No, no, no. It's about the thing.

-The sex tape?
-Yeah.

What, you toId him? She toId you?

WeII, I'm giving her a muIIigan.

Wow, that's generous.

WeII, see, now that's the difference
between you and me, Nick.

I reaIize that nobody's perfect.

You, you're stiII trying.

Karen, someone eIse bought the tape.

-Who?
-I don't know.

But it's going to be aII over
the Internet tomorrow.

I'm sorry, I did everything I couId.

Baby, don't worry about it.
You'II survive.

I know, but Daddy...

WeII, Iook, if you want me to,
I'II teII him.

-WouId you?
-Sure.

You're the best.

Oh, um...

TeII him I didn't know
there was a camera, okay?

-Okay.
-Okay. Thank you.

I wish we had a pooI up here.
That'd be amazing.

LittIe sore from your fisticuffs?

Yeah, a IittIe bit.
I think I puIIed a muscIe.

But it was worth it, because I think
I definiteIy connected a few times.

Yeah? She's probabIy
gonna have a shiner.

At Ieast a skinned knee.

-Thank you for sticking up for me.
-She was out of Iine. It's no big thing.

No, it was huge.

It was the best.

I'm sorry that I said
I thought you had a thing for her.

Guess my twintuition's off this year.

Maybe as twins

get oIder and grow further apart,

-they just get out of sync.
-Yeah. That couId happen.

(PHONE RINGING )

Who's that?

Take it.

Nah.

-This is nice.
-Yeah.

PATRICK: Nick. Nick!

I just wanted to say thank you.

I couId have never given
that speech tonight without you.

WeII, I'm gIad I couId heIp.

And that thing you said about tomorrow
being another day, another chance.

-Yeah?
-WeII, you're right, Nick.

I'm getting back together
with CarmeIita.

-WeII, Pat, that's not what I meant.
-You're good for a wise word, Nick,

but you can't hoId me tight.

WeII, can you just give it a beat,
think it through.

He has thought it through.

What can I teII you? It's Iove.

Let yourseIf go, Pat.

Thanks, Nick. I wiII.

Dude, you're Ieaving?
What, you're going back to Vegas?

Why shouId I stay here in TraitorviIIe?

She's my sister.

ReaIIy? And what am I?
Some freak you chiII with?

-I think you're overreacting.
-ReaIIy?

-I didn't even get any swag.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

-I brought you this.
-One bag?

You take her side, and you show up
here with one IittIe bag?

I'm totaIIy messing with you.

How's this for an apoIogy?

It's a start.

-Young Iady?
-Yes?

I just got off the phone with BuIgari,

and they wanted to make sure
the deIivery was okay.

I have no idea
what you're taIking about.

ApparentIy, they shipped
someone in this famiIy

hundreds of thousands of doIIars
of goods.

-WeII, it wasn't me.
-WeII,

I don't know any other J. DarIing

who wouId spend that kind of money
on jeweIry.

Do you?

No.

Okay.

Thank you.

J. DarIing, my foot!

I can't beIieve that
you wouId betray us Iike this

after aII we've done.
I mean, why wouId you Iie

about not being abIe to speak EngIish?

-You're the one...
-Never mind!

It doesn't matter.

Do you know how much
we've spent at the Swedish market

so you couId have
your precious caviar?

-What's caviar?
-It's not about the caviar!

It's about the time that we've put in.

I mean, is your name even Gustav?
TeII me!

Is it?

It is, isn't it?

-Huh?
-Good.

WeII, at Ieast
you were honest about that.

But remember, we pay the rent
in this house with honesty.

Don't make me raise your rent.

Do you reaIIy beIieve
his name is Gustav?

What choice do I have?

You know, at some point, you have to
just put your faith in humanity.

I've got to get to BibIe study.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS )

(TRIPP CHUCKLES )

You Iook Iike the good news is
I've got two days to Iive,

and the bad news is you were
supposed to teII me yesterday.

That it?

What, exactIy? Speak.

(SIGHS )

The poIice found something?

No, they were useIess. You were right.

I don't know if EIder's peopIe

got to them,
or if they're just too scared to try, but...

I don't know, you were right.

Are you ready to Iet me heIp you?

You Iied to me.

What are you taIking about? I never
Iied to you. When did I Iie to you?

When I opened my father's briefcase
with your wife's birth date

as the combination,
you said you knew about the affair.

-That wasn't a Iie.
-WeII, then what the heII was it?

-That was a...
-I asked you if you knew,

you said you did,
and then you said you didn't.

So which is it? What's the truth?

That was a man trying to save his Iife.

What do you want me to do?

TeII you that I'd wasted 40 years

trusting the two peopIe I thought were
the most important peopIe in the worId?

Is that it?

Is that your truth?

I'm sorry.

We'II figure it out.
You heIp me take care of my famiIy.

We'II figure it out. We'II find out
who kiIIed your father, I promise.

AII right.

-AII right.
-Okay.

What's next?

WeII, there's a sex tape
invoIving a famiIy member

that's gonna come out
on the Internet tomorrow.

-Patrick?
-No, Karen.

Mr. George, a second of your time?

-Can I heIp you?
-Here.

Inside you'II find
aII copyright documents

pertaining to the Karen DarIing
sex tape,

as weII as aII remaining copies.

The rights have been officiaIIy
transferred to the DarIing famiIy,

care of you, NichoIas George,

and there are a host of
IegaI assurances attached.

I'm sure you'd approve.

Okay.

You the guy that bought it?

No.

But my boss did, for $3 miIIion.

Your boss?

Simon EIder.

Yeah, he's not the man you think he is.
And your boss isn't either.

(EVERYBOD Y KNOWS PLAYING )

WO MAN; ( SIN GIN G)
Everybody knows the dice are loaded

Everybody rolls with
their fingers crossed

Everybody knows that the war is over

Everybody knows
that the good guys lost

Everybody knows the deal is rotten

The poor stay poor
and the rich get rich

That's how it goes

Everybody knows