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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:47,174 Hello? 2 00:01:49,092 --> 00:01:51,637 No. You got the wrong number. 3 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,722 Yeah, but ain't no Thelma here, man. 4 00:03:00,247 --> 00:03:02,249 Jesus! 5 00:03:04,543 --> 00:03:07,045 I'm comin'! 6 00:03:14,761 --> 00:03:19,391 What? Man, there ain't no Thelma here! 7 00:04:08,273 --> 00:04:10,275 God. 8 00:05:03,287 --> 00:05:05,956 What? 9 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:09,501 Ain't no fuckin' Thelma here, man! 10 00:05:09,584 --> 00:05:12,921 Look, the bitch don't live here! Fuck you too! 11 00:05:14,497 --> 00:05:16,174 Shit! Fuck! 12 00:05:27,269 --> 00:05:30,314 Hello. I'm Dr Warren G. Easterbrook... 13 00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:33,108 Chairman of the President's Commission on Education... 14 00:05:33,191 --> 00:05:36,111 and I would like to talk to you about an ever-growing problem... 15 00:05:36,194 --> 00:05:38,864 The short attention span of today's youth. 16 00:05:38,947 --> 00:05:41,950 Weaned as they are on television, young people today... 17 00:05:42,034 --> 00:05:44,119 can't seem to pay attention for more than a few mo... 18 00:05:46,538 --> 00:05:50,167 Pethouse Video presents an in-depth... 19 00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,878 up close and personal look... 20 00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:57,257 at Pethouse Plaything Taryn Steele. 21 00:05:57,341 --> 00:06:00,969 Oh, so many neat things have happened to me in my life... 22 00:06:01,053 --> 00:06:04,890 Being named homecoming queen, making the cheerleading squad. 23 00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:08,268 But the neatest thing ever was when I was recently chosen... 24 00:06:08,352 --> 00:06:10,437 the Pethouse Plaything of the Month. 25 00:06:11,897 --> 00:06:14,066 But being a Plaything hasn't changed me. 26 00:06:14,149 --> 00:06:16,360 I'm still the same Taryn. 27 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:22,824 When I was first chosen, I was, like, really immature. 28 00:06:22,908 --> 00:06:25,535 But I've grown so much since then. 29 00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,621 I can hardly believe it's me. 30 00:06:28,747 --> 00:06:32,376 I'm a beach person and a night person. 31 00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:36,088 I really feel sorry for anyone who doesn't live in California... 32 00:06:36,171 --> 00:06:39,341 'cause we've got it all... the mountains, the sun. 33 00:06:39,424 --> 00:06:42,219 And, like, there's no humidity. 34 00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:44,721 It really blows me away. 35 00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:49,184 Here, out of the public eye, I can just fade into the crowd. 36 00:06:49,267 --> 00:06:53,188 In New York, I get hassled all the time. I don't understand it. 37 00:06:53,272 --> 00:06:57,442 Laguna offers me peace and solitude... 38 00:06:57,526 --> 00:07:00,529 away from the pressure of being a Plaything. 39 00:07:00,612 --> 00:07:04,533 Here in Laguna, I can just let my mind go blank. 40 00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,163 Art is my life. 41 00:07:14,793 --> 00:07:17,838 I love to browse Laguna's art galleries... 42 00:07:17,921 --> 00:07:20,382 and my dream is to one day... 43 00:07:20,465 --> 00:07:24,094 have some of my things hanging here. 44 00:07:24,177 --> 00:07:28,181 But my real strength comes from my family... 45 00:07:28,265 --> 00:07:31,601 and my strong religious upbringing. 46 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:36,273 I'll always be grateful to my mom and dad and the values they've given me... 47 00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:41,403 which help me take on the awesome responsibilities... 48 00:07:41,486 --> 00:07:43,697 of Plaything of the Month. 49 00:08:00,255 --> 00:08:03,467 Selma, look at this reception. 50 00:08:06,470 --> 00:08:09,765 Beaver, did you bring home a note from your teacher today? 51 00:08:09,848 --> 00:08:12,392 Oh, no, Dad. That's one of your jokes I haven't heard before. 52 00:08:12,476 --> 00:08:16,188 - Record warm temperatures tomorrow. - Unbelievable! 53 00:08:16,271 --> 00:08:18,315 Best investment I ever made. 54 00:08:25,197 --> 00:08:29,409 You haven't been out of this house in two weeks. 55 00:08:29,493 --> 00:08:32,162 Lows will warm up just a bit. 56 00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,790 What the hell has happened to my remote? 57 00:08:37,042 --> 00:08:39,670 Sunny skies for the remainder of the day. 58 00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:41,713 Murray? 59 00:08:41,797 --> 00:08:44,633 Embedded in those clouds. And here in the southern... 60 00:08:44,716 --> 00:08:46,718 Excuse me, sir. We're on the air. 61 00:08:46,802 --> 00:08:49,346 Selma! Get me out of here! 62 00:08:49,429 --> 00:08:51,431 I must've pressed the wrong button. 63 00:08:51,515 --> 00:08:55,936 Murray, what are you doing on the weather? 64 00:08:56,019 --> 00:09:01,024 I don't know. Press something. Bring me back! 65 00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:03,485 Here! 66 00:09:03,568 --> 00:09:07,739 Swung on, and it's a high fly ball to centre field. 67 00:09:07,823 --> 00:09:11,994 Wait a minute! There's a fan on the field! 68 00:09:12,077 --> 00:09:14,663 Make me wanna stay If this is it. 69 00:09:14,746 --> 00:09:19,167 Doo wah. - Now I'm trapped in a rock video! Anything but this! 70 00:09:19,251 --> 00:09:23,547 If this ain't love you better let me go. 71 00:09:23,630 --> 00:09:25,632 - If this is it. - Doo wah 72 00:09:26,758 --> 00:09:29,553 Selma! Help me! 73 00:09:29,636 --> 00:09:32,014 - If this ain't love, baby. - Wait. Wait. 74 00:09:32,097 --> 00:09:35,642 - Selma! - I'm looking for the booklet. 75 00:09:39,187 --> 00:09:44,026 Oh, no. I'm in black and white. 76 00:09:44,109 --> 00:09:46,486 Where am I? 77 00:09:48,655 --> 00:09:52,701 Selma! 78 00:09:52,784 --> 00:09:56,705 Help! 79 00:10:03,420 --> 00:10:05,756 Selma! Selma! 80 00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:09,760 This is what you get for throwing out the directions. 81 00:10:09,843 --> 00:10:13,597 Help! Help me! 82 00:10:15,641 --> 00:10:18,560 Here you can leave me for the night. 83 00:10:21,063 --> 00:10:23,565 You should be so lucky. 84 00:10:27,444 --> 00:10:29,446 Yech! 85 00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:34,754 Where am I? 86 00:10:35,004 --> 00:10:37,829 You're on the Disney Channel. 87 00:10:37,913 --> 00:10:41,416 At least I know you won't catch anything there. 88 00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:46,785 - Fun is fun, Selma, but I want to come home. - I'm trying. 89 00:10:47,215 --> 00:10:50,217 500 million people are watching via satellite... 90 00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:54,846 as the president and first lady deplane for this historic Moscow visit. 91 00:10:54,930 --> 00:10:57,808 They look fit and rested. Wait a minute. 92 00:10:57,891 --> 00:11:01,103 An unidentified man has emerged from Air Force One. 93 00:11:01,186 --> 00:11:05,065 He seems, believe it or not, to be clad only in his underwear. 94 00:11:05,148 --> 00:11:07,943 - The Secret Service have grabbed him. - Where am I? I'm innocent! 95 00:11:08,026 --> 00:11:11,363 - But who is he and how did he get on board? - I was only watching television! 96 00:11:11,446 --> 00:11:13,991 - He appears to be deranged. - Help! Selma! 97 00:11:17,536 --> 00:11:19,538 I'm so proud of you, Brenda... 98 00:11:19,621 --> 00:11:22,291 getting through the delivery without any anaesthetic. 99 00:11:22,374 --> 00:11:25,294 Well, I had the best Lamaze coach in the world. 100 00:11:25,377 --> 00:11:28,839 When do we get to see the baby? It's been eight hours. 101 00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:31,758 Well, you remember the film they showed us in class. 102 00:11:31,842 --> 00:11:35,470 There's all kinds of tests they have to perform on a newborn child. 103 00:11:35,554 --> 00:11:37,973 - So... - That's true. 104 00:11:38,056 --> 00:11:40,309 Ah! There's my favourite couple. 105 00:11:40,392 --> 00:11:43,145 - Mr and Mrs Flanders. - That's Landers. 106 00:11:43,228 --> 00:11:46,356 Right, right. Flanders is uraemic poisoning on 39. 107 00:11:47,399 --> 00:11:49,359 - So. - Um... 108 00:11:49,443 --> 00:11:52,321 Nice stitch work, if I say so myself. 109 00:11:52,404 --> 00:11:55,782 Doctor, we'd like to see our son. The nurses keep giving us the runaround. 110 00:11:55,866 --> 00:11:58,201 I'd like nothing better than to bring you both your son... 111 00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:00,287 but have you looked around this hospital? 112 00:12:00,370 --> 00:12:02,331 There are sick people here. 113 00:12:02,414 --> 00:12:06,209 I just saw this old guy in the hallway with these gnarly scabs all over his body. 114 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,503 Gross me out! 115 00:12:08,587 --> 00:12:12,049 - I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey... - Nicholas. 116 00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:14,176 To that. 117 00:12:14,259 --> 00:12:17,262 - I've got a solemn oath to uphold here. - Doctor... 118 00:12:17,346 --> 00:12:19,973 Brenda and I are both Lamaze graduates... 119 00:12:20,057 --> 00:12:24,937 and we've never heard of quarantining a healthy infant before. 120 00:12:25,020 --> 00:12:27,397 Ooh, Lamaze. 121 00:12:27,481 --> 00:12:31,401 Well, I forgot that you spent three whole weekends sitting on a floor... 122 00:12:31,485 --> 00:12:33,320 learning how to breathe. 123 00:12:33,403 --> 00:12:36,281 I had to get by on a degree from Harvard Medical School! 124 00:12:36,365 --> 00:12:41,078 Please, it's important to us to see our child. You've heard of bonding. 125 00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:43,455 - Uh... - Doctor. 126 00:12:43,538 --> 00:12:46,792 We'd like to spend a little quality time with our son, please. 127 00:12:46,875 --> 00:12:50,712 A little quality time with your son? That would be beautiful. 128 00:12:50,796 --> 00:12:54,883 You people. 129 00:12:54,967 --> 00:12:58,261 - What's with that guy? - Mrs Fernandez, front desk. 130 00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:02,057 He's supposed to be the top man in his field. 131 00:13:02,140 --> 00:13:04,893 Well, when he brings in little Jeffrey, we're going... 132 00:13:04,977 --> 00:13:07,229 - Nicholas! - Here we go. 133 00:13:07,312 --> 00:13:09,648 - Here's the little tyke. - Oh! 134 00:13:09,731 --> 00:13:12,359 - Okay, that's enough germs. - Wait! Wait a minute. 135 00:13:12,442 --> 00:13:15,946 - We haven't even seen him yet. - Go ahead, breathe all over him. I don't care. 136 00:13:20,117 --> 00:13:22,369 What is this, some kind of sick practical joke? 137 00:13:22,452 --> 00:13:24,496 What are you talking about? He's got your eyes. 138 00:13:24,579 --> 00:13:26,581 Take that hideous thing away. 139 00:13:26,665 --> 00:13:29,835 Come on. They all look like this at first. 140 00:13:29,918 --> 00:13:35,757 You see, when the baby passes through the birth canal, its head gets a little pointy. 141 00:13:35,841 --> 00:13:38,176 He should round out in a couple days. Promise. 142 00:13:38,260 --> 00:13:41,680 That's not a baby. That's a Mr Potato Head. 143 00:13:41,763 --> 00:13:43,473 Harry, call the hospital administrator. 144 00:13:43,557 --> 00:13:47,519 Hey! You're right. This is a Mr Potato Head. 145 00:13:49,021 --> 00:13:50,981 Gosh, they're so lifelike. 146 00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:53,650 Anybody could've made this mistake. 147 00:13:53,734 --> 00:13:57,029 I'll be right back with the real Nicholas. 148 00:13:57,112 --> 00:14:01,116 - Harry, what are they doing to us? - Calm down, Brenda. Calm down. 149 00:14:01,199 --> 00:14:03,827 We don't want you to get post-partum anxiety. 150 00:14:03,910 --> 00:14:08,373 Now, as soon as we get our son, I'm going to report this quack. 151 00:14:08,457 --> 00:14:10,876 Thank God you took that assertiveness training course. 152 00:14:10,959 --> 00:14:13,128 Yeah. 153 00:14:13,211 --> 00:14:15,547 Here's the little tyke. 154 00:14:15,631 --> 00:14:18,800 You've been a naughty little baby. Yes, you have. 155 00:14:18,884 --> 00:14:23,305 - Playing peekaboo with Mommy and Daddy. - About time. Nick, it's your dad. 156 00:14:25,891 --> 00:14:29,061 He's got a strong, determined jaw just like his old man there. 157 00:14:31,396 --> 00:14:33,440 Whoops. 158 00:14:33,523 --> 00:14:36,693 - Great. Now you made him cry. - I don't believe this. 159 00:14:44,701 --> 00:14:47,746 Is this okay? Would you rather breastfeed him? 160 00:14:47,829 --> 00:14:50,457 - Get away from me! - I'm gonna kill you! 161 00:14:50,540 --> 00:14:53,001 What kind of hospital is this? 162 00:14:53,085 --> 00:14:56,421 All right, Mr and Mrs Lamaze! 163 00:14:56,505 --> 00:15:00,384 You see, due to a slight clerical error, your son has been temporarily misplaced. 164 00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:04,262 - You lost our son? - Did I say lost? I said misplaced! 165 00:15:04,346 --> 00:15:09,142 I'm suing you for... for malpractice, negligence... you name it! 166 00:15:09,226 --> 00:15:13,939 Just jump all over me! What about the nine kids I didn't lose this week? 167 00:15:14,022 --> 00:15:17,025 My baby! What have they done with my baby? 168 00:15:17,109 --> 00:15:21,113 It was your fault. If you hadn't distracted me with that video equipment in the delivery room... 169 00:15:21,196 --> 00:15:23,865 I might not have misplaced your little brat! 170 00:15:23,949 --> 00:15:26,785 - Doctor. We found him. - See? 171 00:15:26,868 --> 00:15:31,373 - He was down the hall in the laundry hamper. - Oh! 172 00:15:31,456 --> 00:15:33,458 Oh, he's beautiful. 173 00:15:33,542 --> 00:15:36,878 I hope you're both ashamed of yourselves. 174 00:15:36,962 --> 00:15:41,133 All this hysteria when he was safe and sound not 20 feet from this room. 175 00:15:41,216 --> 00:15:45,804 Doctor, you're due in surgery for that kidney transplant. 176 00:15:45,887 --> 00:15:47,889 Where's the donor organ? 177 00:15:47,973 --> 00:15:49,975 The donor organ? 178 00:15:51,685 --> 00:15:53,925 God, I had it with me when I left the house this morning. 179 00:15:57,399 --> 00:16:01,236 Good morning and welcome to Movies Till Sunrise. 180 00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:05,907 Our feature presentation is the 1954 science fiction classic... 181 00:16:05,991 --> 00:16:08,243 Amazon Women on the Moon... 182 00:16:08,327 --> 00:16:11,747 starring Laird Granger and Greta Van Zandt... 183 00:16:11,830 --> 00:16:15,876 complete and uncut, with no commercial interruptions. 184 00:16:15,959 --> 00:16:17,919 This used to be me. 185 00:16:18,003 --> 00:16:20,839 Old before my years, ignored by women... 186 00:16:20,922 --> 00:16:22,924 passed over for promotions. 187 00:16:23,008 --> 00:16:25,427 But now all that has changed. 188 00:16:27,679 --> 00:16:30,390 Hi. I'm Sy Swerdlow... 189 00:16:30,474 --> 00:16:34,186 and I invented the patented process known as "hair looming." 190 00:16:34,269 --> 00:16:39,232 If you suffer from premature hair loss, let our team of technicians... 191 00:16:39,316 --> 00:16:43,445 visit you in the privacy of your home... 192 00:16:43,528 --> 00:16:46,156 so there will be no embarrassment. 193 00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:48,784 You choose from our selection... 194 00:16:48,867 --> 00:16:52,162 of over 200 colours and styles. 195 00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:56,249 Then your head will be carpeted... 196 00:16:56,333 --> 00:16:59,169 with 100% pure acrylic fibre, 197 00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:01,254 completely natural-looking. 198 00:17:03,215 --> 00:17:05,384 You can sleep in it. 199 00:17:05,467 --> 00:17:07,761 You can shower in it. 200 00:17:10,514 --> 00:17:12,933 It changed my life... 201 00:17:14,559 --> 00:17:16,687 and it'll change yours. 202 00:17:16,770 --> 00:17:18,772 Call toll free... 203 00:17:18,855 --> 00:17:22,484 1-800-GET-HAIR. 204 00:17:56,393 --> 00:17:59,938 Well, men, I've been studying this map of the lunar surface... 205 00:18:00,022 --> 00:18:02,733 and I've chosen the dark side as our landing site. 206 00:18:02,816 --> 00:18:08,155 - So, don't forget your space beams. - Roger, Steve. 207 00:18:10,991 --> 00:18:14,786 Just think, Loony, in less than an hour, we're gonna be on the moon. 208 00:18:14,870 --> 00:18:18,874 The first thing I'm gonna do is carve me off a hunk of that green cheese. 209 00:18:18,957 --> 00:18:22,544 Now, Butch, you know one of the purposes of this mission... 210 00:18:22,628 --> 00:18:25,339 is to dispel some of those myths. 211 00:18:25,422 --> 00:18:27,966 Steve, I've got the president on the electro-scan. 212 00:18:32,012 --> 00:18:35,057 Whillikers! 213 00:18:35,140 --> 00:18:37,225 Come in, men of Moon Rocket One. 214 00:18:37,309 --> 00:18:41,146 This is the president of the United States calling from planet Earth. 215 00:18:43,273 --> 00:18:45,233 We read you, Mr President. 216 00:18:45,317 --> 00:18:48,528 This is Steve Nelson, commander, Moon Rocket One. 217 00:18:48,612 --> 00:18:53,116 Commander Nelson, this is a proud day for all Americans... 218 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,620 and this year of 1980 will be remembered as the year... 219 00:18:56,703 --> 00:18:59,498 an American first set foot on the moon. 220 00:18:59,581 --> 00:19:02,960 The governors of all 48 states join me... 221 00:19:03,043 --> 00:19:05,253 in wishing Godspeed to you... 222 00:19:05,337 --> 00:19:07,673 and your hand-picked team of scientists. 223 00:19:07,756 --> 00:19:09,800 That's us, Loony. 224 00:19:09,883 --> 00:19:13,011 Thank you, Mr President. We're proud to serve our country. 225 00:19:13,095 --> 00:19:15,097 Over and out. 226 00:19:16,598 --> 00:19:20,435 Blackie, neutralize the electro-scan. 227 00:19:20,519 --> 00:19:23,272 Electro-scan neutralized, sir. 228 00:19:23,355 --> 00:19:25,857 There she is, dead ahead! 229 00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:36,702 It's awesome, isn't it? 230 00:19:36,785 --> 00:19:39,413 I've got big plans for that piece of real estate. 231 00:19:39,496 --> 00:19:41,623 I'm going to sell advertising space on that. 232 00:19:41,707 --> 00:19:45,043 Just picture this... The world's biggest billboard. 233 00:19:45,127 --> 00:19:47,129 We'll make a bundle. 234 00:19:47,212 --> 00:19:49,756 Hold your horses, Blackie. 235 00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:53,093 This voyage is for the betterment of mankind. 236 00:19:53,176 --> 00:19:55,762 Let's not any of us forget that. 237 00:19:55,846 --> 00:19:57,723 Sure, chief. 238 00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:10,277 There goes my lunch. 239 00:20:12,404 --> 00:20:14,781 It's right up there with my stomach. 240 00:20:14,865 --> 00:20:18,910 Prepare for moon landing. 241 00:20:18,994 --> 00:20:22,831 - Initiate rotation system. - Rotation initiated. 242 00:20:23,749 --> 00:20:25,751 Reverse retros. 243 00:20:25,834 --> 00:20:27,836 Retros reversed. 244 00:20:34,885 --> 00:20:38,347 Steve, we're losing pressure in the atom chamber. 245 00:20:38,430 --> 00:20:40,432 If it drops any more, we're goners. 246 00:20:49,566 --> 00:20:51,568 Quick, Blackie, switch to the emergency... 247 00:20:53,612 --> 00:20:58,200 Tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree. 248 00:20:58,283 --> 00:21:00,953 It's been three long years. 249 00:21:01,036 --> 00:21:03,664 Do ya still want me. 250 00:21:03,747 --> 00:21:09,169 If I don't see a ribbon round the old oak tree 251 00:21:09,252 --> 00:21:12,214 I'll stay on the bus forget about us. 252 00:21:12,297 --> 00:21:14,424 Put the blame on me. 253 00:21:14,508 --> 00:21:16,468 Did you know that every seven minutes... 254 00:21:16,551 --> 00:21:20,097 a black person is born in this country without soul? 255 00:21:20,851 --> 00:21:22,766 Hello, I'm B.B. King. 256 00:21:22,849 --> 00:21:25,686 Won't you help Don Simmons and the thousands of others... 257 00:21:25,769 --> 00:21:28,438 that suffer from this tragic disorder? 258 00:21:28,522 --> 00:21:32,859 Its cruel symptoms can strike anyone. Let's take a look. 259 00:21:32,943 --> 00:21:37,489 I think the Republican Party has done one heck of a job. Don't you, June? 260 00:21:37,572 --> 00:21:41,618 I'll say, Ward. We Republicans have turned this country around. 261 00:21:43,829 --> 00:21:46,707 Safety and good mileage are the two things... 262 00:21:46,790 --> 00:21:49,584 I looked for in a new car. 263 00:21:49,668 --> 00:21:53,088 That's why I bought a Volvo station wagon. 264 00:21:53,171 --> 00:21:57,634 Hi. I'm president of the David Hartman Fan Club here in Glendale. 265 00:21:57,718 --> 00:22:00,887 I've even met David Hartman once. What a neat guy. 266 00:22:04,266 --> 00:22:07,436 Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny chim-chim cheree. 267 00:22:07,519 --> 00:22:11,148 A sweep is as lucky as lucky can be. 268 00:22:11,231 --> 00:22:14,443 Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny chim-chim cheroo. 269 00:22:14,526 --> 00:22:17,904 Good luck will rub off when I shake hands with you. 270 00:22:17,988 --> 00:22:21,199 This is B.B. King saying won't you please give... 271 00:22:21,283 --> 00:22:24,286 so that Don Simmons here and so many others... 272 00:22:24,369 --> 00:22:26,788 can become useful members of society. 273 00:22:26,872 --> 00:22:31,543 Or blow me a kiss and that's lucky too. 274 00:22:31,627 --> 00:22:33,795 Write to... 275 00:22:37,716 --> 00:22:39,760 Thank you. 276 00:22:44,097 --> 00:22:46,099 Be right there. 277 00:22:53,565 --> 00:22:55,525 - Karen? - Hi. 278 00:22:55,609 --> 00:22:57,689 - Hi. I'm Jerry Stone. - Hi, Jerry. Nice meeting you. 279 00:22:57,694 --> 00:23:00,113 - I'm sorry. I'm running a little bit late. - Don't worry about it. 280 00:23:00,197 --> 00:23:02,199 - You look nice. - Thank you. 281 00:23:03,742 --> 00:23:06,078 - This is a great apartment. - Thanks. 282 00:23:14,419 --> 00:23:16,838 Uh, I hope you like sushi. 283 00:23:16,922 --> 00:23:20,384 I made reservations at Tokyo Rose on Columbus. 284 00:23:20,467 --> 00:23:24,012 Great. I hear it's terrific. 285 00:23:24,096 --> 00:23:26,598 Normally there's a waiting list, but I know the maitre d; 286 00:23:28,308 --> 00:23:30,352 You know, I gotta tell you... 287 00:23:30,435 --> 00:23:33,313 I never go on blind dates, but, uh... 288 00:23:33,397 --> 00:23:37,442 I just have a feeling that this might be special. 289 00:23:38,860 --> 00:23:42,614 Jerry? Before we leave, do me one small favour, will you? 290 00:23:42,698 --> 00:23:44,700 Sure. What? 291 00:23:44,783 --> 00:23:48,912 Would you mind showing me a credit card and a valid driver's licence? 292 00:23:48,996 --> 00:23:53,458 - You're kidding. Why? - I'd like to run a "couple compatibility" check. 293 00:23:53,542 --> 00:23:57,129 What the heck is that? 294 00:23:57,212 --> 00:24:00,215 You know, Jerry, it's tough being a single girl in the big city. 295 00:24:00,299 --> 00:24:02,551 You meet all kinds of phoneys and creeps. 296 00:24:02,634 --> 00:24:05,804 That's why this machine comes in handy. 297 00:24:05,887 --> 00:24:10,058 I just enter your I.D., and the central computer will tell me about your background. 298 00:24:10,142 --> 00:24:12,728 I don't want a bank loan. I just want to take you out. 299 00:24:12,811 --> 00:24:16,857 I know, but I'd feel better running a check. Two I.D.'s, please. 300 00:24:16,940 --> 00:24:19,901 You're serious. 301 00:24:21,508 --> 00:24:23,071 It'll just take a minute. 302 00:24:23,155 --> 00:24:26,199 This is ridiculous, but, uh... 303 00:24:28,201 --> 00:24:30,203 - Here's, uh... - Three-one-six. 304 00:24:30,287 --> 00:24:33,081 - That's a cute picture. - MasterCard. 305 00:24:41,923 --> 00:24:43,925 I don't know how I ever got along without one of these. 306 00:24:44,009 --> 00:24:46,011 Changed my life. 307 00:24:46,094 --> 00:24:48,096 Feel the same way about my VCR. 308 00:24:48,180 --> 00:24:50,641 Ooh. Right now I'm taping Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep. 309 00:24:50,724 --> 00:24:54,311 - I love Meryl Streep. - Oh, I am so into her. 310 00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,608 Here it comes now. 311 00:25:14,831 --> 00:25:18,543 - All that about me? Geez. - They are very thorough. 312 00:25:20,462 --> 00:25:24,216 - This is great! - What? What? 313 00:25:28,804 --> 00:25:31,640 - Oh. - What do you got there? 314 00:25:37,396 --> 00:25:41,650 - Uh-oh. - Uh-oh? What's... What's uh-oh? 315 00:25:41,733 --> 00:25:43,735 Jerry... 316 00:25:46,863 --> 00:25:49,992 does the name Debbie Rothenberg mean anything to you? 317 00:25:50,075 --> 00:25:53,912 Uh... Debbie Rothenberg. Uh... 318 00:25:53,996 --> 00:25:56,248 Oh, yeah. I think I went out with her once or twice. 319 00:25:56,331 --> 00:26:00,043 You had sex with her on the second date, and then you never called her again. 320 00:26:00,127 --> 00:26:03,755 - I hate when guys do that. - It says all that? 321 00:26:03,839 --> 00:26:06,300 Does the phrase "You're not only beautiful..." 322 00:26:06,383 --> 00:26:09,761 but you're someone I feel I can open up to" mean anything to you? 323 00:26:11,930 --> 00:26:14,933 I'm not surprised. You've used that line on your last 16 dates. 324 00:26:15,017 --> 00:26:17,269 Look, this is ridiculous. 325 00:26:17,352 --> 00:26:20,689 Debbie... Uh, Karen, I think... 326 00:26:20,772 --> 00:26:22,983 that we have something very special here. 327 00:26:23,066 --> 00:26:26,445 - You're not like the other women you... - "You meet in the city." 328 00:26:26,528 --> 00:26:28,947 See what I mean? 329 00:26:29,031 --> 00:26:31,033 And, Jerry... 330 00:26:33,118 --> 00:26:36,121 I could never get serious about someone who's selfish in bed. 331 00:26:36,204 --> 00:26:41,043 - "Who's selfish in bed"? - Well, how would you describe a man... 332 00:26:41,126 --> 00:26:44,630 who satisfies his own needs and rolls over and goes to sleep? 333 00:26:44,713 --> 00:26:47,257 - I never did that in my life! - Eleven times! 334 00:26:47,341 --> 00:26:51,053 - You want names and dates? - No. No, I do not! Look, hey, hold it. 335 00:26:51,136 --> 00:26:54,222 Anyway, that is just a small fraction of the hundreds of times... 336 00:26:54,306 --> 00:26:56,308 I've been intimate with women. 337 00:26:56,391 --> 00:26:58,769 We're exaggerating a little, aren't we, Jerry? 338 00:27:00,646 --> 00:27:03,774 The record only shows 21 sexual intimacies. 339 00:27:05,692 --> 00:27:10,113 - There you are. - This doesn't jibe with my figures. Okay, sweetie? 340 00:27:10,197 --> 00:27:14,117 Jerry, the statistics don't paint the picture of a mature man. 341 00:27:14,201 --> 00:27:16,578 Twelve times, you ignored your date at a party... 342 00:27:16,662 --> 00:27:19,122 to flirt with a more attractive woman. 343 00:27:19,206 --> 00:27:24,169 169 times, you feigned interest when a woman was talking about her career. 344 00:27:25,212 --> 00:27:28,590 On 17 occasions, you lied to women... 345 00:27:28,674 --> 00:27:32,052 telling them you were really into sushi and Meryl Streep movies. 346 00:27:33,597 --> 00:27:35,641 Make that 18 times. 347 00:27:37,015 --> 00:27:39,851 Wh-Wh-Where do they get these figures? 348 00:27:39,935 --> 00:27:41,937 As you can see, Jerry... 349 00:27:42,020 --> 00:27:44,523 it would be pointless for you and I to go out. 350 00:27:44,606 --> 00:27:46,608 Oh, yeah? 351 00:27:46,692 --> 00:27:49,236 Well, I'm gonna get one of those machines and see how well you come off! 352 00:27:49,319 --> 00:27:51,697 - Okay? - Goodnight, Jerry. 353 00:27:51,780 --> 00:27:54,199 It's early yet. Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar. 354 00:27:57,286 --> 00:27:59,288 Like you did last Thursday. 355 00:28:02,165 --> 00:28:04,334 Hello, Beverly? 356 00:28:04,418 --> 00:28:06,586 - Yeah? - Hi. 357 00:28:06,670 --> 00:28:10,048 This is Jerry Stone. We met the other night at Dave's party. 358 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:15,137 - Oh. Hi. - Hi. 359 00:28:15,220 --> 00:28:17,472 Listen, I know it's last minute... 360 00:28:17,556 --> 00:28:20,767 but I wanna ask you, are you free tonight? 361 00:28:20,851 --> 00:28:22,936 Uh, yeah. 362 00:28:23,020 --> 00:28:24,980 You are. Great. 363 00:28:25,063 --> 00:28:29,818 Listen, I can pick you up in 10 minutes. 364 00:28:29,901 --> 00:28:32,613 Sure, okay. 365 00:28:32,696 --> 00:28:35,907 - Oh, Jerry, um... - Yeah? 366 00:28:35,991 --> 00:28:39,494 Could you bring a major credit card and a valid driver's licence? 367 00:28:41,580 --> 00:28:43,582 Jerry? 368 00:28:46,126 --> 00:28:50,672 Extraterrestrials. Strange phenomena. 369 00:28:50,756 --> 00:28:54,176 Missing persons. Lost continents. 370 00:28:54,259 --> 00:28:57,596 Myths and monsters. 371 00:28:57,679 --> 00:29:01,516 We examine these mysteries to determine... 372 00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:04,561 are they bullshit or not? 373 00:29:10,275 --> 00:29:12,277 London's West End. 374 00:29:12,361 --> 00:29:15,906 Here, in the winter of 1888... 375 00:29:15,989 --> 00:29:19,409 a series of bizarre and violent murders occurred... 376 00:29:19,493 --> 00:29:23,956 which remain unsolved to this very day. 377 00:29:31,672 --> 00:29:34,007 Jack the Ripper. 378 00:29:34,091 --> 00:29:37,594 Was he a prosperous London surgeon? 379 00:29:37,678 --> 00:29:40,555 Perhaps a member of British royalty. 380 00:29:40,639 --> 00:29:44,851 Well, our Bullshit team has unearthed... 381 00:29:44,935 --> 00:29:47,604 spectacular new evidence which suggests... 382 00:29:49,147 --> 00:29:51,775 that Jack the Ripper was, in fact... 383 00:29:53,110 --> 00:29:55,737 the Loch Ness monster. 384 00:29:55,821 --> 00:29:58,991 Is it possible that Nessie... 385 00:29:59,074 --> 00:30:03,912 murdered five streetwalkers before returning to Loch Ness? 386 00:30:03,996 --> 00:30:05,998 Using undiscovered evidence... 387 00:30:06,081 --> 00:30:09,543 we've pieced together the events leading up to the first murder. 388 00:30:09,626 --> 00:30:12,004 Although this is a Bullshit re-enactment... 389 00:30:12,087 --> 00:30:14,923 it may have happened just this way. 390 00:30:15,007 --> 00:30:18,176 Hello, dearie. Show you a good time for a quid. 391 00:30:18,260 --> 00:30:20,345 Throw the wife in for free. Oh, gents. 392 00:30:20,429 --> 00:30:24,266 Don't you want a girl to keep you warm tonight? 393 00:30:24,349 --> 00:30:28,937 Me mum told me there would be nights like this. 394 00:30:29,021 --> 00:30:31,523 Oh, my! 395 00:30:31,607 --> 00:30:35,319 You are a big one, now, aren't you? 396 00:30:35,402 --> 00:30:37,487 Come on, darlin'. 397 00:30:50,042 --> 00:30:53,712 Mind you, don't you be steppin' on my feet now. 398 00:30:53,795 --> 00:30:57,674 Ooh! 399 00:30:57,758 --> 00:31:01,303 Aren't you in an hurry! Now, will you be careful. 400 00:31:01,386 --> 00:31:04,014 Not so rough, da... Wait a min... 401 00:31:09,603 --> 00:31:11,855 Is this the way it happened? 402 00:31:11,939 --> 00:31:15,943 Was Jack the Ripper, in fact, a 60-foot sea serpent from Scotland? 403 00:31:17,402 --> 00:31:21,281 Did I take this job for a quick buck? 404 00:31:21,365 --> 00:31:24,910 We may never know the answers to these questions. Next week... 405 00:31:25,786 --> 00:31:28,246 Come on. 406 00:31:28,330 --> 00:31:31,124 To recap the three movies that we reviewed this week... 407 00:31:31,208 --> 00:31:33,335 here on Critics Corner... 408 00:31:33,418 --> 00:31:35,921 Marc and I both gave a big thumbs up... 409 00:31:36,004 --> 00:31:40,008 - to the new Swedish film directed by, uh... - Olaf Svensen. 410 00:31:40,092 --> 00:31:44,638 Olaf Svensen, called The Winter of My Despondency. 411 00:31:44,721 --> 00:31:48,517 - Haunting abstract symbolism. - It's arty crap. 412 00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:51,520 Jonathan and I did split, however... 413 00:31:51,603 --> 00:31:55,357 on the newest teenage romp called Frat Slobs. 414 00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:57,609 Jonathan, I think, thought it to be... 415 00:31:57,693 --> 00:32:00,696 a light, frothy souffle... 416 00:32:00,779 --> 00:32:03,532 - sizzling with youthful energy. - That I did. 417 00:32:03,615 --> 00:32:07,244 On the other hand, I thought it was pond scum. 418 00:32:07,327 --> 00:32:10,163 You're an albino. What the hell do you know? 419 00:32:10,247 --> 00:32:12,207 We have a new feature we'd like to introduce on Critics Corner... 420 00:32:12,291 --> 00:32:16,003 we hope you'll enjoy. We call it "Real Life Reviews"... 421 00:32:16,086 --> 00:32:20,340 in which we critique the life of an average person just like you. 422 00:32:20,424 --> 00:32:25,429 Jonathan will begin with a review of the life of Harvey Putnik. 423 00:32:25,512 --> 00:32:28,307 - No. Pitnik. - Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana. 424 00:32:28,390 --> 00:32:30,392 - Illinois. - Illinois. 425 00:32:30,475 --> 00:32:33,645 - Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois. - Bernice. Bernice, come here. 426 00:32:33,729 --> 00:32:35,731 They're talking about me on the television. 427 00:32:35,814 --> 00:32:37,816 - What? - Come here. 428 00:32:37,899 --> 00:32:41,153 Harvey Pitnik would seem to have all the ingredients... 429 00:32:41,236 --> 00:32:43,572 - for a successful life. - You'd think so. 430 00:32:43,655 --> 00:32:46,283 - So why does he fail so miserably? - I don't know. 431 00:32:46,366 --> 00:32:48,619 I think the problem is with Harvey himself. 432 00:32:48,702 --> 00:32:50,871 - What the hell is this? - You're right. It is Harvey. 433 00:32:50,954 --> 00:32:52,789 Very good, Jonathan. It is Harvey. 434 00:32:52,873 --> 00:32:55,751 So, we're supposed to care about this Harvey Pitnik? 435 00:32:55,834 --> 00:33:01,590 Why? I mean, it takes him 30 years to develop any character at all... 436 00:33:01,673 --> 00:33:04,092 and by the time he does, who cares? 437 00:33:04,176 --> 00:33:07,387 - They're crucifying me. - It's hardly worth the wait. 438 00:33:07,471 --> 00:33:10,390 - He didn't like Gandhi either. - Let me show you. 439 00:33:10,474 --> 00:33:14,686 Here's a scene from last year as Harvey is coming home from work. 440 00:33:23,195 --> 00:33:26,114 Oh. Hi, Scraps. 441 00:33:26,198 --> 00:33:28,283 - Hi, Dad. - Hi, kids. 442 00:33:28,367 --> 00:33:31,036 - How did they do this? - Hi, honey. 443 00:33:31,119 --> 00:33:33,246 Hi, dear. Ooh. Potatoes. 444 00:33:33,330 --> 00:33:38,085 I didn't cons... I didn't consent for this to be on TV. 445 00:33:38,168 --> 00:33:41,296 - Dinner'll be ready in five minutes. - Okay. 446 00:33:49,721 --> 00:33:53,308 - Some exciting home life, huh? - And it goes on like that... 447 00:33:53,392 --> 00:33:56,728 tediously, day in and day out. 448 00:33:56,812 --> 00:33:58,814 - Where's the love? - Where's the passion? 449 00:33:58,897 --> 00:34:03,443 Where's the examination of one's own existence? 450 00:34:03,527 --> 00:34:06,613 This is a poor excuse for a life. 451 00:34:06,697 --> 00:34:09,491 I give Harvey Pitnik a... a big thumbs down. 452 00:34:09,574 --> 00:34:12,536 - Thumbs down? - I give him a thumbs down too. 453 00:34:12,619 --> 00:34:16,081 But I didn't hate Harvey quite as much as you, Jonathan. 454 00:34:16,164 --> 00:34:21,044 Oh, granted, his life was a miserable waste of time... 455 00:34:21,128 --> 00:34:23,922 but I rather enjoyed the Kafkaesque touches. 456 00:34:24,006 --> 00:34:27,634 Here's a loser trapped in a dead-end job... 457 00:34:27,718 --> 00:34:30,178 and a... a loveless marriage. 458 00:34:30,262 --> 00:34:34,308 How do they know that? - Couldn't they have done anything to make this man human? 459 00:34:34,391 --> 00:34:36,351 Think of the money it took to bring him into the world. 460 00:34:36,435 --> 00:34:40,731 A ton! - To feed him and to clothe him and then to educate him. 461 00:34:40,814 --> 00:34:43,108 And after all that, what have you got? 462 00:34:43,191 --> 00:34:46,069 - You've got a big bore! - A dull clod! 463 00:34:46,153 --> 00:34:49,156 An empty suit. And another thing... 464 00:34:49,239 --> 00:34:51,199 I was always one step ahead of this guy's life. 465 00:34:51,283 --> 00:34:53,744 - There just were no surprises! - No. Wait a minute. 466 00:34:53,827 --> 00:34:56,622 What about the ending of his life? That came as a surprise. 467 00:34:56,705 --> 00:34:59,124 - Ending? - I saw that coming a mile away! 468 00:34:59,207 --> 00:35:01,209 - I didn't. - What ending? 469 00:35:01,293 --> 00:35:04,046 - The high blood pressure. The lack of exercise. - True. Uh-huh. 470 00:35:04,129 --> 00:35:06,089 - The bad diet. - Of course. 471 00:35:06,173 --> 00:35:11,428 By the time he finally has his heart attack in front of the TV, big deal! 472 00:35:11,511 --> 00:35:14,389 - Heart attack? Heart attack? - It's such a mundane way to go. 473 00:35:14,473 --> 00:35:17,392 What are they talking about? A heart attack? I didn't have a... 474 00:35:17,476 --> 00:35:22,064 Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if, say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft? 475 00:35:22,147 --> 00:35:25,400 - He should've died years earlier. - Maybe in a submarine accident. 476 00:35:25,484 --> 00:35:29,404 - Harvey? Oh, my God! - Possibly a giant squid. 477 00:35:29,488 --> 00:35:32,407 - Something to add a little science fiction to it. - I'm calling an ambulance. 478 00:35:32,491 --> 00:35:35,160 - I'm calling an ambulance! - A tragic waste, but who cares? 479 00:35:35,243 --> 00:35:37,913 Oh, I see our time is up. We want to thank you very much... 480 00:35:37,996 --> 00:35:40,040 for joining us on Critics Corner. 481 00:35:40,123 --> 00:35:43,363 Hope you'll be back next week when we'll have an aisle seat reserved just for you. 482 00:35:43,418 --> 00:35:45,420 Bye-bye. 483 00:35:45,504 --> 00:35:48,465 There's so many things he could've done. He could've had a better haircut. 484 00:35:50,217 --> 00:35:53,512 We now return to the 1957 film... 485 00:35:53,595 --> 00:35:55,597 Amazon Women on the Moon... 486 00:35:55,681 --> 00:35:58,225 starring Bill Thomas and Buzzy Clark. 487 00:35:58,308 --> 00:36:01,061 There will be no further interruptions. 488 00:36:08,902 --> 00:36:10,904 Well, here we are on the moon. 489 00:36:14,533 --> 00:36:16,493 This place gives me the willies. 490 00:36:16,576 --> 00:36:19,121 Think we'll run into any moon men? 491 00:36:19,204 --> 00:36:21,665 Not intelligent life as you and I know it, Butch. 492 00:36:21,748 --> 00:36:25,877 If there are any Martians, I'll bet they speak the universal language... 493 00:36:25,961 --> 00:36:27,921 Do-re-mi! 494 00:36:28,005 --> 00:36:31,216 You remember the space oath you took at the academy, Blackie? 495 00:36:31,300 --> 00:36:35,012 "I will not exploit other worlds for personal gain." 496 00:36:35,095 --> 00:36:37,097 Look at that. 497 00:36:38,140 --> 00:36:41,602 Follow me, men. Keep your eyes open. 498 00:36:41,685 --> 00:36:44,104 Selma! 499 00:37:29,232 --> 00:37:34,529 Hey, dig that crazy full moon. 500 00:37:34,613 --> 00:37:38,200 That's a full Earth, Butch. Remember where we are. 501 00:37:38,283 --> 00:37:40,786 Zowie! 502 00:37:40,869 --> 00:37:43,288 This is only a hunch, but... 503 00:37:43,372 --> 00:37:45,582 Steve! What are you doing? You're committing suicide! 504 00:37:47,459 --> 00:37:50,712 Just as I thought. 505 00:37:50,796 --> 00:37:52,881 The moon has an atmosphere similar to Earth's. 506 00:37:52,965 --> 00:37:54,967 Take off your helmets, boys. 507 00:37:59,972 --> 00:38:01,932 Good old H2O. 508 00:38:02,015 --> 00:38:04,309 Steve, fill me in. How'd you figure it out? 509 00:38:04,393 --> 00:38:06,895 Seems like Loony figured it out first. 510 00:38:11,149 --> 00:38:14,319 That's my Loony, a regular Einstein. 511 00:38:16,488 --> 00:38:18,448 Look! 512 00:38:23,495 --> 00:38:27,374 Are your parties dull and boring? 513 00:38:27,457 --> 00:38:30,210 Well, why not liven them up... 514 00:38:30,294 --> 00:38:32,671 with the snack food that's sweeping America. 515 00:38:32,754 --> 00:38:36,883 Mmm! Say, Mike, this is some great pate. It has such a unique flavour. 516 00:38:36,967 --> 00:38:41,847 It's more than just an ordinary pate, Bill. Watch. 517 00:38:41,930 --> 00:38:45,100 Whoa! 518 00:38:45,183 --> 00:38:48,478 What the... You know, I never saw an appetizer do that before. 519 00:38:48,562 --> 00:38:50,939 Well, you never tried Silly Pate before! 520 00:38:51,023 --> 00:38:54,943 Not only is it fun at parties, it's low in saturated fats. 521 00:38:55,027 --> 00:38:57,487 And look. 522 00:38:57,571 --> 00:39:01,199 It picks up your favourite comic strip! 523 00:39:01,283 --> 00:39:03,285 I'm eating Doonesbury. 524 00:39:04,369 --> 00:39:06,872 And I'm eating Beetle Bailey. 525 00:39:06,955 --> 00:39:10,709 You'll never have a dull, lifeless party again... 526 00:39:10,792 --> 00:39:12,794 with Silly Pate. 527 00:39:14,588 --> 00:39:17,883 Available in all fine gourmet shops and toy stores everywhere. 528 00:39:27,351 --> 00:39:29,353 It's time, Mrs Pitnik. 529 00:39:32,230 --> 00:39:34,191 Do I have to? 530 00:39:34,274 --> 00:39:36,777 Yeah. We need the room again at 4.00. 531 00:39:39,765 --> 00:39:40,989 Come on. 532 00:39:41,073 --> 00:39:44,284 I-Is Har-Harvey here? 533 00:39:44,368 --> 00:39:47,663 - Yeah. He's in repose. He looks great. - Oh! 534 00:39:47,746 --> 00:39:51,500 Okay, let's move along. That's right. 535 00:39:51,583 --> 00:39:55,170 Just relax, Mrs Pitnik. You're young. You'll... You'll meet someone. 536 00:39:55,253 --> 00:39:59,007 Send the kids to camp. That's what I would do. 537 00:40:00,592 --> 00:40:02,719 Okay, family up front, on the left. 538 00:40:05,055 --> 00:40:07,724 Well, I guess that's it. 539 00:40:20,988 --> 00:40:22,990 Everything's taken care of. Everything. 540 00:40:23,073 --> 00:40:25,534 And the buffet? To die. 541 00:40:25,617 --> 00:40:28,745 Hey, Scooter. Cute stuff. 542 00:40:30,414 --> 00:40:34,418 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a wake. 543 00:40:34,501 --> 00:40:38,588 So let's have fun with it, huh? Everybody, have a great time. 544 00:40:45,804 --> 00:40:47,764 Welcome to the O'Leary Funeral Home... 545 00:40:47,848 --> 00:40:52,394 where many of the nation's top comedians have gathered to roast our guest of honour... 546 00:40:52,477 --> 00:40:55,105 the late Harvey Pitnik! 547 00:40:56,106 --> 00:40:59,943 Please welcome... Rip Taylor! 548 00:41:04,990 --> 00:41:07,993 Slappy White! 549 00:41:10,495 --> 00:41:12,873 Jackie Vernon! 550 00:41:14,875 --> 00:41:17,961 Henny Youngman! 551 00:41:19,671 --> 00:41:22,132 Charlie Callas! 552 00:41:25,719 --> 00:41:29,306 And our roast master... Mr Steve Allen! 553 00:41:35,437 --> 00:41:37,814 And here he is, our man of the hour... 554 00:41:37,898 --> 00:41:40,943 Mr Harvey Pitnik! 555 00:41:41,026 --> 00:41:45,030 There's Harvey! 556 00:41:52,329 --> 00:41:55,832 Thank you, ladies and mourners. 557 00:41:55,916 --> 00:41:58,293 That's all right, Harvey. Don't get up. 558 00:42:01,505 --> 00:42:03,505 Anyway, be that as it may... And I doubt if it was... 559 00:42:03,548 --> 00:42:08,053 Tonight we are here to pay tribute to a close, personal friend... 560 00:42:08,136 --> 00:42:12,015 Harvey Pupik... I'm sorry. Uh, Pitnik. Harvey Pitnik. 561 00:42:12,099 --> 00:42:16,103 Harvey was a man, my friends, who was the same in life... 562 00:42:16,186 --> 00:42:20,857 as he is in death... a stiff! 563 00:42:20,941 --> 00:42:25,237 But all seriousness aside, we are going to lay two things to rest... 564 00:42:25,320 --> 00:42:29,574 Harvey Pitnik and the rumour that Charlie Callas is funny. 565 00:42:29,658 --> 00:42:33,954 Ladies and gentlemen, a very funny man, Charlie Callas. 566 00:42:36,957 --> 00:42:38,875 Thank you. Thank you. 567 00:42:38,959 --> 00:42:41,753 Thank you. Harvey, keep it down! 568 00:42:45,507 --> 00:42:50,095 Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're here to pay homage to the late Harvey Potemkin... 569 00:42:50,178 --> 00:42:53,140 Peshtabil... Poshbulv... whatever. 570 00:42:53,223 --> 00:42:55,434 - Who cares? Does it matter now? - No, no. 571 00:42:55,517 --> 00:43:00,814 And if Harvey were alive today, he'd be a very sick man. 572 00:43:08,405 --> 00:43:11,617 We had... I'm sorry to make this announcement. We had two disappointments tonight... 573 00:43:11,700 --> 00:43:15,996 Milton Berle could not make it and Rip Taylor could. 574 00:43:16,079 --> 00:43:18,206 - Ladies and gentlemen, Rip Taylor. - All right. 575 00:43:23,295 --> 00:43:26,465 Thank you so much. Thank you so much. 576 00:43:26,548 --> 00:43:28,508 Thank you. Thank you so much, Steve. 577 00:43:28,592 --> 00:43:31,929 Charlie said, "Harvey, keep it down." Thank you. 578 00:43:32,012 --> 00:43:35,724 Oh, well, there goes that act. 579 00:43:35,807 --> 00:43:38,518 The president couldn't be here, Harvey, so he sent a wire. 580 00:43:41,730 --> 00:43:44,274 Tell 'em. It's a... Never mind. 581 00:43:44,358 --> 00:43:47,110 What's this, an audience or a funeral? Now, pay attention, please. 582 00:43:47,194 --> 00:43:51,073 But I'm a little nervous because Harvey was a personal friend of mine... 583 00:43:51,156 --> 00:43:54,785 and there's not a person in this room that Harvey Pitnik did not touch. 584 00:43:54,868 --> 00:43:59,373 I must say, he touched me for 40 bucks and Steve for 20. 585 00:43:59,456 --> 00:44:02,459 Folks, I don't dance. This is it, you see. 586 00:44:05,253 --> 00:44:09,549 But I do feel for his widow, Bernice. That was a romantic marriage. 587 00:44:09,633 --> 00:44:13,470 She learned everything about sex from a manual. 588 00:44:13,553 --> 00:44:17,182 Emanuel was their gardener. 589 00:44:17,266 --> 00:44:21,436 I'm sorry. I better wrap it up now, folks. 590 00:44:21,520 --> 00:44:25,565 'Cause you know the old axiom in show business... "get off quick." 591 00:44:25,649 --> 00:44:27,609 Like Harvey on his wedding night. 592 00:44:27,693 --> 00:44:32,447 Could you die? I gotta go. Goodbye. Thank you so much. 593 00:44:32,531 --> 00:44:35,450 Thank you, folks. I'm thrilled to be here tonight to pay tribute... 594 00:44:35,534 --> 00:44:37,452 to the late Harvey Pitnik. 595 00:44:37,536 --> 00:44:39,496 But enough about Harvey. 596 00:44:42,791 --> 00:44:45,502 Take my wife. Please. 597 00:44:48,046 --> 00:44:52,050 Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it. 598 00:44:55,304 --> 00:44:58,890 Why do Jewish guys die before their wives? They want to. 599 00:45:03,729 --> 00:45:05,689 And that's what I think of you, Harvey. 600 00:45:12,946 --> 00:45:16,617 Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that trip down memory lane. And now... 601 00:45:20,078 --> 00:45:24,708 But seriously. Henny, you were never funnier... and it's a shame. 602 00:45:24,791 --> 00:45:29,212 But I was asked to say a couple of words about Harvey. 603 00:45:29,296 --> 00:45:32,674 How about "ugly" and "cheap"? 604 00:45:32,758 --> 00:45:35,802 Harvey wrote his will on his cock... 605 00:45:35,886 --> 00:45:39,056 and his lawyer said it would not stand up in court. 606 00:45:44,770 --> 00:45:48,023 - Okay, Mrs Pitnik. You're on. - What? 607 00:45:48,106 --> 00:45:50,359 - You're on. - Oh, no. Oh, no. I really can't... 608 00:45:50,442 --> 00:45:54,446 You're the widow. You've got to give Harvey's rebuttal. - No, no, I can't go up there. 609 00:45:54,529 --> 00:45:58,075 I can't do this. - But in conclusion, I'd like to say, congratulations, Harvey. 610 00:45:58,158 --> 00:46:03,830 Rigor mortis is the closest you ever come to a hard-on in 15 years. 611 00:46:03,914 --> 00:46:05,798 I thank you. 612 00:46:14,291 --> 00:46:16,343 Harvey himself is gonna throw in his two cents... 613 00:46:16,426 --> 00:46:18,447 as soon as we take 'em off his eyelids. 614 00:46:20,488 --> 00:46:22,349 I don't get it. I don't get it. 615 00:46:22,432 --> 00:46:26,728 And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our guest of honour, his lovely widow, Bernice. 616 00:46:26,812 --> 00:46:29,732 And nothing's changed, Harvey. She's still gonna be doing all the talking. 617 00:46:31,009 --> 00:46:32,041 Bernice Pitnik! 618 00:46:39,574 --> 00:46:41,576 Lovely woman. 619 00:46:46,290 --> 00:46:48,417 Thank you, Merv... I mean, Steve. 620 00:46:48,500 --> 00:46:50,727 That's quite all right. 621 00:46:52,671 --> 00:46:56,967 Now, well, I would like to inject a serious note... 622 00:46:57,050 --> 00:47:00,053 as, uh, Henny Youngman did earlier. 623 00:47:06,476 --> 00:47:08,895 I want to say to... 624 00:47:08,979 --> 00:47:13,275 Harvey, my late husband... 625 00:47:14,359 --> 00:47:16,445 as I look down at you... 626 00:47:16,528 --> 00:47:19,448 lying there motionless... 627 00:47:19,531 --> 00:47:21,992 I can only think of one thing... 628 00:47:23,035 --> 00:47:25,329 Our wedding night. 629 00:47:30,032 --> 00:47:31,543 I'll never forget my... 630 00:47:31,627 --> 00:47:35,797 My last moments with... Harvey... 631 00:47:35,881 --> 00:47:39,426 as I... as I took him into my arms... 632 00:47:39,509 --> 00:47:43,722 and I whispered those three little words: 633 00:47:43,805 --> 00:47:46,600 "Sign the will." 634 00:47:48,685 --> 00:47:51,229 - Great. - But seriously... 635 00:47:51,313 --> 00:47:53,315 I'm glad to see Slappy White here today. 636 00:47:53,398 --> 00:47:56,526 Now at least I know my hubcaps are safe. 637 00:48:00,155 --> 00:48:02,324 And Rip Taylor, is that a toupee... 638 00:48:02,407 --> 00:48:05,160 or did a beaver curl up and die on your head? 639 00:48:09,164 --> 00:48:14,169 As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm not so sure we're burying the right guy. 640 00:48:19,007 --> 00:48:21,510 At last... 641 00:48:21,593 --> 00:48:25,013 the greatest album of love songs ever recorded. 642 00:48:25,097 --> 00:48:28,100 You'll want to share them with someone special. 643 00:48:28,183 --> 00:48:32,771 Why do birds suddenly appear. 644 00:48:32,854 --> 00:48:37,526 Sung by the man who turned a personal affliction into a recording career... 645 00:48:37,609 --> 00:48:40,195 Don "No Soul" Simmons. 646 00:48:40,279 --> 00:48:42,864 Just like me. 647 00:48:42,948 --> 00:48:45,575 They long to be. 648 00:48:45,659 --> 00:48:48,537 Close to you. 649 00:48:49,746 --> 00:48:52,374 Why do stars. 650 00:48:52,457 --> 00:48:55,711 Fall down from the sky. 651 00:48:55,794 --> 00:48:57,713 Every time. 652 00:48:58,505 --> 00:49:00,591 You walk by. 653 00:49:02,050 --> 00:49:04,803 Just like me. 654 00:49:04,886 --> 00:49:07,347 They long to be. 655 00:49:07,431 --> 00:49:10,267 Close to you. 656 00:49:10,350 --> 00:49:14,062 - She'd been sitting there. - So curl up by the fireside... 657 00:49:14,146 --> 00:49:17,482 and listen to the non-threatening music of this master showman. 658 00:49:18,650 --> 00:49:21,695 And, honey, I miss you. 659 00:49:23,822 --> 00:49:26,325 And I'm being good. 660 00:49:28,785 --> 00:49:31,246 And I'd love to be with you. 661 00:49:33,790 --> 00:49:36,335 If only I could. 662 00:49:38,837 --> 00:49:41,256 Say, has anybody seen. 663 00:49:41,340 --> 00:49:44,468 My sweet Gypsy Rose. 664 00:49:44,551 --> 00:49:47,054 Here's her picture when she was. 665 00:49:47,137 --> 00:49:50,057 - My sweet Mary Jo. - Young lovers of any age... 666 00:49:50,140 --> 00:49:52,267 will cherish this timeless collection... 667 00:49:52,351 --> 00:49:54,978 of the world's most romantic ballads. 668 00:49:55,062 --> 00:49:57,105 And if you act now, you'll get free... 669 00:49:57,189 --> 00:50:01,485 this bonus album.: Don Simmons Down & Funky. 670 00:50:05,906 --> 00:50:09,534 Jeremiah was a bullfrog. 671 00:50:10,535 --> 00:50:13,830 He was a good friend of mine 672 00:50:13,914 --> 00:50:17,125 I never understood a single word he said. 673 00:50:17,209 --> 00:50:19,711 This two-record collection is not available in any stores... 674 00:50:19,795 --> 00:50:21,713 so order now. 675 00:50:21,797 --> 00:50:25,217 Yes, he always had some mighty fine wine. 676 00:50:34,935 --> 00:50:39,064 By thunder! She's a lovely sight, lads! 677 00:50:39,147 --> 00:50:43,735 And you can bet your miserable lives... 678 00:50:43,819 --> 00:50:47,531 the cargo hold is filled with precious booty. 679 00:50:47,614 --> 00:50:50,409 - Let's take her, Cap'n. - Aye. Are you game, lads? 680 00:50:50,492 --> 00:50:51,910 Aye! 681 00:50:57,332 --> 00:51:00,669 Video pirates! Man the guns and prepare to defend borders. 682 00:51:00,752 --> 00:51:01,962 Fire! 683 00:51:08,176 --> 00:51:11,054 Cutlasses, me hearties! 684 00:51:13,599 --> 00:51:15,559 Give them a bellyful of steel. 685 00:51:31,700 --> 00:51:36,830 Ah. By gum, Captain! All the latest home videos. In Beta and VHS! 686 00:51:36,913 --> 00:51:40,834 Aye! Some so current, they're still in theatrical release. 687 00:51:40,917 --> 00:51:45,422 - Help yourself, mates. A chest full of video discs. - No! 688 00:51:45,505 --> 00:51:47,716 - What good are they? - Can't record on 'em. 689 00:51:47,799 --> 00:51:50,385 They're not compatible with my system. 690 00:51:50,469 --> 00:51:52,638 Captain! This one's locked. 691 00:51:52,721 --> 00:51:55,933 Stand back. 692 00:51:56,016 --> 00:51:59,394 Open 'er up. 693 00:52:02,522 --> 00:52:05,025 Gather around, me buckoes, and feast your eyes on this. 694 00:52:05,615 --> 00:52:08,111 Make all the illegal copies you want. 695 00:52:08,195 --> 00:52:10,072 - Put it on. - Aye, aye, Captain. 696 00:52:14,326 --> 00:52:19,331 Ohhh, I'm so scared. 697 00:53:01,498 --> 00:53:05,627 - I said I don't want to be disturbed. - Griffin, it's me, Trent. 698 00:53:05,711 --> 00:53:07,963 Trent, I've been waiting for you. 699 00:53:08,046 --> 00:53:09,965 Come in. 700 00:53:10,048 --> 00:53:13,719 Ah, Griffin. I came as soon as I received your cable. 701 00:53:16,471 --> 00:53:19,349 Good God, man, what happened? 702 00:53:19,433 --> 00:53:22,185 I've done it, Trent. At long last, I've done it. 703 00:53:22,269 --> 00:53:26,148 I finally duplicated my father's formula for invisibility... 704 00:53:26,231 --> 00:53:29,985 after five years of injecting myself with every chemical known to man. 705 00:53:30,068 --> 00:53:34,948 But Griffin, the invisibility formula turned your father into a raving lunatic. 706 00:53:35,032 --> 00:53:37,909 That's where I've topped the old man. 707 00:53:37,993 --> 00:53:40,495 I've been on the stuff for over a week now... 708 00:53:40,579 --> 00:53:43,123 and I'm still perfectly sane. 709 00:53:43,206 --> 00:53:45,584 Yes. I'll rule the world with my secret. 710 00:53:45,667 --> 00:53:47,586 Yes. And I'll need you, Trent. 711 00:53:47,669 --> 00:53:50,756 I must have a visible partner. 712 00:53:50,839 --> 00:53:54,426 I can tell by your stunned expression that you're pretty impressed. 713 00:53:54,509 --> 00:53:57,012 Ah? 714 00:53:57,095 --> 00:53:59,014 Ooh. 715 00:53:59,901 --> 00:54:01,642 Look, Ma... 716 00:54:03,143 --> 00:54:05,520 no hands. 717 00:54:05,604 --> 00:54:09,191 I haven't come up with a reagent to make myself visible again. 718 00:54:09,274 --> 00:54:11,693 But what's the rush? I'm having a ball. 719 00:54:11,777 --> 00:54:14,071 Watch me closely. 720 00:54:15,113 --> 00:54:17,366 Whee! 721 00:54:17,449 --> 00:54:21,912 Ever see a shirt make a phone call? 722 00:54:22,913 --> 00:54:25,415 Ooh. Pretty scary, huh? 723 00:54:25,499 --> 00:54:28,210 Ooooh! 724 00:54:28,293 --> 00:54:30,254 Wait till you see this. 725 00:54:30,337 --> 00:54:32,381 Uh, no. Griffin... 726 00:54:32,464 --> 00:54:36,176 you don't have to go all the way. 727 00:54:36,260 --> 00:54:37,491 Yes. 728 00:54:39,888 --> 00:54:42,307 Just listen for the sound of my voice... 729 00:54:43,684 --> 00:54:46,520 and you'll know where I am at all times. 730 00:54:46,603 --> 00:54:49,189 - Come on. Let's have some laughs! - Griffin! 731 00:54:49,273 --> 00:54:54,278 Being invisible is the best! 732 00:55:03,996 --> 00:55:07,291 Hey! Here comes the invisible man again. 733 00:55:11,253 --> 00:55:14,840 You, go and get some help. I'll watch him here. 734 00:55:22,139 --> 00:55:24,641 Whee-ooh! Whee-ooh! 735 00:55:26,768 --> 00:55:31,106 Oh, my. Now how did that happen? Must be a ghost in 'ere. 736 00:55:31,189 --> 00:55:33,150 This is unreal. 737 00:55:34,234 --> 00:55:36,361 I'm terribly sorry. 738 00:55:38,155 --> 00:55:40,490 Whee-ooh! Whee-ooh! 739 00:55:40,574 --> 00:55:42,618 Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! 740 00:55:42,701 --> 00:55:46,663 Wow! Whoo-hoo-hoo! 741 00:55:50,417 --> 00:55:53,962 - Now, now, now. What's all this? - Here he is, Officer. 742 00:55:54,046 --> 00:55:57,591 Take it easy with him. He's not really dangerous. 743 00:55:57,674 --> 00:55:59,968 Come along quietly then, guv. 744 00:56:00,052 --> 00:56:03,055 You'll have to find me first. 745 00:56:04,014 --> 00:56:06,308 Come along. 746 00:56:06,391 --> 00:56:08,435 Let's cover this one up. Come on. 747 00:56:08,518 --> 00:56:12,272 Wait. I'm invisible. Don't touch me there. 748 00:56:15,400 --> 00:56:17,319 Selma! 749 00:56:28,372 --> 00:56:30,290 We now return to our feature... 750 00:56:30,374 --> 00:56:33,293 starring Greta Van Zandt and Lyle Talbot. 751 00:56:33,377 --> 00:56:36,338 There will be no further interruptions. 752 00:56:45,931 --> 00:56:49,518 This looks like the remains of some ancient culture. 753 00:56:49,601 --> 00:56:53,855 Steve, I said some things back there that I shouldn't have. 754 00:56:53,939 --> 00:56:56,942 Anyway, thanks for saving me from that dinosaur. 755 00:56:57,025 --> 00:57:01,196 - Forget it. - Hey, would you get a load of this joint? 756 00:57:04,283 --> 00:57:06,201 This throne is still warm. 757 00:57:13,667 --> 00:57:15,669 Where are you going? 758 00:57:15,752 --> 00:57:18,171 I forgot somethin' back on the ship. 759 00:57:18,255 --> 00:57:20,424 - What? - I forgot to stay there. 760 00:57:26,638 --> 00:57:30,601 We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by. 761 00:57:32,269 --> 00:57:34,187 We are experiencing techn... 762 00:57:39,693 --> 00:57:42,279 I demand that you set us free, Queen Lara. 763 00:57:42,362 --> 00:57:45,324 We are on an official mission from the planet Earth. 764 00:57:45,407 --> 00:57:47,326 Ha! "Planet Earth." 765 00:57:47,409 --> 00:57:50,495 Is that what you call that pitiful ball hanging in the sky? 766 00:57:50,579 --> 00:57:53,832 You wouldn't say that if you saw Jane Russell or the Brooklyn Dodgers. 767 00:57:53,915 --> 00:57:55,834 Silence, swine... 768 00:57:55,918 --> 00:57:58,712 or you will suffer the same fate as your friend. 769 00:57:58,795 --> 00:58:02,549 I intend to file a protest in the death of Blackie! 770 00:58:02,633 --> 00:58:06,720 He dared to enter the sacred temple and steal the precious moonstones. 771 00:58:06,803 --> 00:58:09,598 But feeding him to giant spiders without the benefit of counsel... 772 00:58:09,681 --> 00:58:11,892 is not the way we do things in America. 773 00:58:17,606 --> 00:58:19,691 Boy, I never thought I'd be so miserable... 774 00:58:19,775 --> 00:58:21,693 surrounded by beautiful dames. 775 00:58:21,777 --> 00:58:24,821 Cut the gags, Butch. We're in enough trouble. 776 00:58:24,905 --> 00:58:28,575 What's she lookin' at? She acts like she's never seen a man before. 777 00:58:28,659 --> 00:58:32,454 She hasn't. Have you, Alpha Beta? 778 00:58:33,997 --> 00:58:36,041 No, my queen. 779 00:58:36,124 --> 00:58:38,210 What are men good for? 780 00:58:38,293 --> 00:58:40,796 Well, I'm pretty good in the back seat of a Studebaker. 781 00:58:40,879 --> 00:58:42,965 Butch! 782 00:58:43,048 --> 00:58:47,261 - Men are useless. - Back where I come from... 783 00:58:47,344 --> 00:58:49,972 no woman is complete without a man. 784 00:58:51,348 --> 00:58:53,558 You see, Commander Nelson... 785 00:58:53,642 --> 00:58:55,894 12,000 gamma-spans ago... 786 00:58:55,978 --> 00:58:58,438 - "Gamma-spans"? - A moon unit of time... 787 00:58:58,522 --> 00:59:00,691 roughly equivalent to your Earth year. 788 00:59:00,774 --> 00:59:05,112 Anyway, all men were banished from the lunar surface because they couldn't... 789 00:59:06,238 --> 00:59:08,240 For 131 years... 790 00:59:08,323 --> 00:59:10,659 this great institution has amassed... 791 00:59:10,742 --> 00:59:15,330 what many consider to be the finest collection of art anywhere in the world. 792 00:59:15,414 --> 00:59:19,501 And now it can all be yours. 793 00:59:19,585 --> 00:59:23,130 We've lost our lease! 794 00:59:23,213 --> 00:59:25,424 That's right. Everything must go. 795 00:59:25,507 --> 00:59:29,678 From the old masters of Europe to the conceptual artists of today's SoHo. 796 00:59:29,761 --> 00:59:32,222 We're talking Rembrandts, Botticellis... 797 00:59:32,306 --> 00:59:35,017 Gauguin, Cezanne, Matisse, Renoir... 798 00:59:35,100 --> 00:59:38,145 and the chairman of the board... 799 00:59:38,228 --> 00:59:40,647 Leonardo da Vinci. 800 00:59:40,731 --> 00:59:42,858 This Egyptian sarcophagus... 801 00:59:42,941 --> 00:59:47,487 from the dynasty of Ramses II, appraised at $ 14 million. 802 00:59:47,571 --> 00:59:50,324 Our price? 19.95. 803 00:59:50,407 --> 00:59:53,327 Buy now, and we'll toss in, free of charge... 804 00:59:53,410 --> 00:59:56,705 the original Declaration of Independence. 805 00:59:56,788 --> 00:59:59,917 Now you might expect to pay millions for this document... 806 01:00:00,000 --> 01:00:01,960 that shaped a great nation. 807 01:00:02,044 --> 01:00:07,424 But it's yours free. This fine parchment will enhance any den or playroom. 808 01:00:07,507 --> 01:00:10,427 And you can have some fun with your friends... 809 01:00:10,510 --> 01:00:14,556 by adding your own name along with the original signers. 810 01:00:14,640 --> 01:00:17,684 Remember, the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art. 811 01:00:17,768 --> 01:00:21,438 Every Van Gogh must go. 812 01:00:23,106 --> 01:00:25,025 Hello, I'm Henry Silva. 813 01:00:25,108 --> 01:00:29,029 Ever since the ocean liner Titanic sunk on her maiden voyage in 1912... 814 01:00:29,112 --> 01:00:31,907 people have asked, "How did it happen?" 815 01:00:31,990 --> 01:00:35,202 Join me... 816 01:00:35,285 --> 01:00:37,204 - as we dramatically recreate... - Nearer 817 01:00:37,287 --> 01:00:42,376 - the sinking of the great ocean liner Titanic. - My God, to thee. 818 01:00:43,794 --> 01:00:45,712 Bullshit or not? 819 01:00:45,796 --> 01:00:48,924 You be the judge, here on this station. 820 01:00:49,864 --> 01:00:52,386 From the pen of America's wealthiest author... 821 01:00:52,469 --> 01:00:54,972 Irving Sidney, the man who gave us... 822 01:00:55,055 --> 01:00:57,766 the best sellers, Irving Sidney's The Naked Virgin... 823 01:00:57,849 --> 01:01:00,477 and Irving Sidney's The Power and the Flesh... 824 01:01:00,560 --> 01:01:03,855 comes Irving Sidney's sizzling new blockbuster... 825 01:01:03,939 --> 01:01:07,651 Hey, baby. 826 01:01:07,734 --> 01:01:09,611 Long time no see, huh? 827 01:01:09,695 --> 01:01:12,572 - There must be some mistake. - Come on. Who are ya kiddin'? 828 01:01:12,656 --> 01:01:14,825 It's me. It's Bert. 829 01:01:14,908 --> 01:01:16,910 Look, I'm in town with the textile convention... 830 01:01:16,994 --> 01:01:22,207 and I thought maybe we could, uh, you know, party! 831 01:01:22,291 --> 01:01:24,209 - I don't do that any more. - Oh... 832 01:01:24,293 --> 01:01:28,088 You better get out of here before you wake the president. 833 01:01:28,171 --> 01:01:31,758 When President Harrison Chandler was married in the White House... 834 01:01:31,842 --> 01:01:34,052 it was the social event of the decade. 835 01:01:34,136 --> 01:01:36,847 The courageous president... 836 01:01:36,930 --> 01:01:39,224 and his beautiful new bride. 837 01:01:39,308 --> 01:01:42,144 But she possessed a secret that could shatter her dreams... 838 01:01:42,227 --> 01:01:45,105 and topple a government. 839 01:01:45,188 --> 01:01:48,483 I'll meet you in the Lincoln Room in five minutes. 840 01:01:50,277 --> 01:01:52,279 She was forced to live a lie... 841 01:01:52,362 --> 01:01:55,282 when her sins came back to haunt her. 842 01:01:55,365 --> 01:01:59,161 She was "first lady of the evening." 843 01:01:59,244 --> 01:02:02,915 Irving Sidney's 1 st Lady of the Evening. 844 01:02:02,998 --> 01:02:08,003 A Magnet paperback in easy-to-read type with no big words. 845 01:02:12,257 --> 01:02:16,762 Birds suddenly appear. 846 01:02:16,845 --> 01:02:19,348 Every time. 847 01:02:19,431 --> 01:02:22,684 Look, Violet, what do you say we go park out by the lake? 848 01:02:22,768 --> 01:02:24,686 My glands are out of control. 849 01:02:25,812 --> 01:02:29,650 Well, okay, Georgie, but are you prepared? 850 01:02:29,733 --> 01:02:32,486 I've been preparing myself for 17 years. 851 01:02:32,569 --> 01:02:35,197 That's not what I meant. 852 01:02:35,280 --> 01:02:38,200 - Fall down from the sky. - Pull over to that drugstore. 853 01:02:44,665 --> 01:02:49,503 On the day that you were born the angels got together. 854 01:02:49,586 --> 01:02:55,092 - And decided to create a dream come true. - Georgie. 855 01:02:55,175 --> 01:02:58,095 So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair. 856 01:02:58,178 --> 01:03:01,723 - And golden starlight. - Make sure you ask for Titans. 857 01:03:01,807 --> 01:03:04,476 Those are the best. 858 01:03:04,559 --> 01:03:09,106 That is why all the boys. 859 01:03:12,484 --> 01:03:14,945 Hello, George. How are ya? 860 01:03:15,028 --> 01:03:17,781 Uh, hi, Mr Gower. I-I didn't think you worked nights. 861 01:03:17,864 --> 01:03:21,076 My night man took sick. What can I do for you? 862 01:03:21,159 --> 01:03:23,829 We're having a sale on shaving cre... 863 01:03:23,912 --> 01:03:28,513 What am I saying? You're not old enough to shave yet. - I've been shaving since March. 864 01:03:28,740 --> 01:03:31,712 See? - Hey, I'd better call your mom right now and thank her... 865 01:03:31,795 --> 01:03:34,006 for the preserves she brought over to our house... 866 01:03:34,089 --> 01:03:36,008 Not now! I mean... 867 01:03:36,091 --> 01:03:38,093 I-I mean, don't bother. 868 01:03:38,176 --> 01:03:40,846 I'll give her the message for you. 869 01:03:40,929 --> 01:03:45,100 - I'll bet I know what you want. - You do? 870 01:03:45,183 --> 01:03:50,147 Sure. I was young once. Liquorice sticks. 871 01:03:50,230 --> 01:03:52,274 They came in fresh this morning. 872 01:03:52,357 --> 01:03:55,527 Mr Gower, I'm 17 years old. 873 01:03:55,611 --> 01:03:58,322 Already? Seems like only yesterday... 874 01:03:58,405 --> 01:04:00,949 your mom was in here buying talc... 875 01:04:01,033 --> 01:04:03,009 to powder your little bottom. 876 01:04:03,189 --> 01:04:05,829 Heh. Uh... 877 01:04:05,912 --> 01:04:07,956 look... 878 01:04:10,667 --> 01:04:13,587 Never mind. Thanks. 879 01:04:15,797 --> 01:04:19,760 Follow you. 880 01:04:19,843 --> 01:04:22,679 All around. 881 01:04:23,722 --> 01:04:25,849 Just like me. 882 01:04:25,933 --> 01:04:28,477 They long to be. 883 01:04:30,145 --> 01:04:32,356 Almost forgot what I came in for. 884 01:04:32,439 --> 01:04:35,859 Tube of toothpaste and a box of... 885 01:04:35,943 --> 01:04:38,153 Toothpaste and what? 886 01:04:38,236 --> 01:04:40,155 A box of... Titans. 887 01:04:40,238 --> 01:04:42,199 You have to speak up, George. 888 01:04:42,282 --> 01:04:45,672 Titans! I want a box of Titan condoms! 889 01:04:45,953 --> 01:04:47,621 George! 890 01:04:50,082 --> 01:04:54,795 And to think you were an altar boy. 891 01:05:09,768 --> 01:05:11,687 You did say "Titans"? 892 01:05:11,770 --> 01:05:14,773 Oh, only about four times. 893 01:05:14,856 --> 01:05:16,775 Thanks, Mr Gower. 894 01:05:37,129 --> 01:05:39,047 - What's goin' on? - George? 895 01:05:39,131 --> 01:05:41,383 Rupert King, president of Titan Condoms. 896 01:05:41,466 --> 01:05:46,680 Congratulations, young man. You are our one-billionth customer. Pictures. 897 01:05:48,724 --> 01:05:51,143 - Thanks, but I really gotta go. - Not so fast, kid. 898 01:05:51,226 --> 01:05:53,729 - We've been planning this for months. - It's really not necessary. 899 01:05:53,812 --> 01:05:57,691 Tell me, George, how long have you been using our fine Titan products? 900 01:05:57,774 --> 01:06:00,485 - Uh, you could say I never use anything else. - Great quote. 901 01:06:00,569 --> 01:06:04,031 - Are you getting all of this? - You're not gonna use my name, are you? 902 01:06:04,114 --> 01:06:07,618 Modesty, I like it. You could give Titans that wholesome image we're looking for. 903 01:06:07,701 --> 01:06:09,703 Do you know what you're doing to me? 904 01:06:09,786 --> 01:06:11,997 The entire town's gonna know about this. 905 01:06:12,080 --> 01:06:16,835 You'll be a household name, George, just like Bip, our Titan mascot! 906 01:06:16,919 --> 01:06:19,630 - Pictures. Pictures. - Hi, folks. Hi, George. Hi, everybody. 907 01:06:19,713 --> 01:06:22,174 Hey, George, will you autograph a box for me? 908 01:06:22,257 --> 01:06:25,552 Get used to that, George. 909 01:06:26,862 --> 01:06:28,430 More good news, George. 910 01:06:28,513 --> 01:06:33,810 Even as we speak, your parents are racing here to join you in your moment of Titan triumph. 911 01:06:33,894 --> 01:06:37,147 My parents? Are you nuts? I'm not even supposed to have the car. 912 01:06:37,230 --> 01:06:39,942 Make sure you airbrush out the kid's acne, okay? George... 913 01:06:40,025 --> 01:06:45,530 as a token of our thanks, we'd like you to have this lifetime supply of Titans! 914 01:06:45,614 --> 01:06:48,533 - Thank you, Connie. - All I wanted was one. 915 01:06:50,994 --> 01:06:52,955 - Violet! - George, I can tell... 916 01:06:53,038 --> 01:06:55,624 you're as excited as we are, as you begin this... 917 01:06:55,707 --> 01:06:58,835 - your year-long reign as our Titan king! - Yippee! 918 01:07:16,895 --> 01:07:22,434 And now the exciting conclusion of the 1955 feature... 919 01:07:22,895 --> 01:07:25,946 Amazon Women of the Moon. 920 01:07:26,029 --> 01:07:29,116 There will be no further commercial interruptions. 921 01:07:29,199 --> 01:07:31,201 Bullshit or not? 922 01:07:31,285 --> 01:07:33,161 Hey, cut the mush, you two. 923 01:07:33,245 --> 01:07:36,248 - This place is about to blow sky high. - Yes, look! 924 01:07:36,331 --> 01:07:39,459 Moogla, the mountain demon, is angry. 925 01:07:39,543 --> 01:07:42,337 - Yeah, and that ain't just heartburn. - We haven't got much time. 926 01:07:42,421 --> 01:07:44,840 Let's go! 927 01:07:44,923 --> 01:07:47,301 Come on, Loony. 928 01:07:57,436 --> 01:08:00,188 - There's the rocket. Hurry! - Come on, Alpha Beta. 929 01:08:00,272 --> 01:08:03,567 When we get back to Earth, I'm gonna show you Ebbets Field. 930 01:08:24,421 --> 01:08:29,092 Oh, Steve, save yourself. 931 01:08:29,176 --> 01:08:32,179 I wouldn't be able to enjoy Earth without you. 932 01:08:52,282 --> 01:08:54,660 Fasten seat belts. 933 01:08:54,743 --> 01:09:00,249 I think we got about 12 seconds before everything blows. Fire retros. 934 01:09:02,668 --> 01:09:04,269 She won't turn over! 935 01:09:13,637 --> 01:09:15,847 Listen to that sweet music. 936 01:10:02,311 --> 01:10:06,231 There goes the only home I've ever known. 937 01:10:06,315 --> 01:10:10,611 You got a new home now, Lara, with me on Earth. 938 01:10:16,700 --> 01:10:20,704 - What are they doing, Butch? - Well, it's called smoochin', babe. 939 01:10:24,750 --> 01:10:27,461 Come here. I'll give ya your first lesson. 940 01:10:35,052 --> 01:10:37,804 Earth to Moon Rocket One. 941 01:10:38,805 --> 01:10:41,141 Earth to Moon Rocket One. 942 01:10:41,224 --> 01:10:43,310 This is the president. 943 01:10:43,393 --> 01:10:46,438 Steve, I hope you have things well in hand. 944 01:10:47,856 --> 01:10:49,858 I'll say. 945 01:11:04,039 --> 01:11:06,041 Psst. 946 01:11:07,960 --> 01:11:09,336 Psst. 947 01:11:11,505 --> 01:11:13,423 Yeah, you. Come here. 948 01:11:18,971 --> 01:11:21,306 - Yeah? - Saturday night. 949 01:11:24,601 --> 01:11:27,229 - Yeah? - Ain't got a date. 950 01:11:29,731 --> 01:11:33,068 - What's your name, kid? - Ray. 951 01:11:33,151 --> 01:11:35,487 Ray? 952 01:12:12,232 --> 01:12:15,193 Mmm. 953 01:12:15,277 --> 01:12:17,571 You must be Ray. 954 01:12:19,781 --> 01:12:21,700 I'm Sherrie. 955 01:12:24,912 --> 01:12:26,997 I heard you were good-looking... 956 01:12:28,498 --> 01:12:31,501 but I had no idea. 957 01:12:31,585 --> 01:12:33,587 Come on in. 958 01:12:40,719 --> 01:12:42,638 As you can see, I made dinner. 959 01:12:42,721 --> 01:12:48,644 Mmm, but I'm not hungry just yet... for food. 960 01:12:48,727 --> 01:12:50,812 Do you know what I mean? 961 01:13:07,120 --> 01:13:09,790 Help me with my zipper, Ray? 962 01:13:12,084 --> 01:13:17,172 That's so much better. 963 01:13:17,256 --> 01:13:20,592 God, you're such a hunk, Ray. 964 01:13:23,095 --> 01:13:26,682 I want you. And I want you now. 965 01:13:26,765 --> 01:13:28,725 Get over here, Ray. 966 01:13:31,228 --> 01:13:33,146 I'm waiting, Ray. 967 01:13:33,230 --> 01:13:35,941 Take me. 968 01:13:36,024 --> 01:13:39,861 I want you to make wild, violent love to me. 969 01:13:42,072 --> 01:13:44,366 Oh, yes, Ray. 970 01:13:44,449 --> 01:13:47,953 Yes. 971 01:13:48,036 --> 01:13:51,957 Oh, you're so good, Ray. 972 01:13:52,040 --> 01:13:54,835 Yes. Ray! 973 01:13:58,255 --> 01:14:01,550 You're the best, Ray. Yeah, yeah. 974 01:14:01,633 --> 01:14:04,970 Ray, give it to me! 975 01:14:05,053 --> 01:14:08,265 Mmm, that's good, Ray. 976 01:14:08,348 --> 01:14:12,394 Yeah! 977 01:14:12,477 --> 01:14:17,232 You're the... best, Ray! Yeah! 978 01:14:18,900 --> 01:14:22,362 - You dirty slut! - Frankie, what are you doin' here? 979 01:14:22,446 --> 01:14:25,907 - I thought you were outta town! - That's what I wanted you to think! 980 01:14:25,991 --> 01:14:31,413 - And I expected a little more from you, Ray. - What, of me? 981 01:14:31,496 --> 01:14:35,626 - You think I care about a loser like Ray? - Loser? 982 01:14:35,709 --> 01:14:38,629 - I did it to hurt you. - You did it to hurt me? 983 01:14:38,712 --> 01:14:40,881 Well, your cheatin' days are over, street meat! 984 01:14:40,964 --> 01:14:44,927 - Frankie, what are you doin' with that gun? - I'm gonna teach you... 985 01:14:45,010 --> 01:14:47,596 and this little know-nothing wimp a lesson! 986 01:14:47,679 --> 01:14:50,599 - That's what I'm doin' with the gun. - No, Frankie! 987 01:14:50,682 --> 01:14:53,435 I love you! I've always loved you. 988 01:14:53,518 --> 01:14:56,855 You think I enjoyed going to bed with a worm like Ray? - Shut up! 989 01:14:56,939 --> 01:14:59,566 - Worm? - You're history, Sherrie. 990 01:14:59,650 --> 01:15:03,862 No! 991 01:15:06,448 --> 01:15:08,367 Satisfied, Ray? Hmm? 992 01:15:08,450 --> 01:15:10,702 Happy now, buddy? 993 01:15:10,786 --> 01:15:15,123 Well, you're gonna have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life. 994 01:15:15,207 --> 01:15:17,334 And you know what else, Ray? 995 01:15:18,418 --> 01:15:20,587 You're gonna have to live with this too. 996 01:15:20,671 --> 01:15:22,839 Freeze! 997 01:15:26,051 --> 01:15:28,303 You have the right to remain silent. 998 01:15:28,387 --> 01:15:30,347 If you give up the right to remain silent... 999 01:15:30,430 --> 01:15:33,308 anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. 1000 01:15:33,392 --> 01:15:37,232 You have the right to speak with an attorney and have an attorney present at time of questioning. 1001 01:15:39,181 --> 01:15:41,039 I was at a dance. 1002 01:15:41,858 --> 01:15:43,777 When she caught my eye. 1003 01:15:44,861 --> 01:15:46,780 Standing all alone. 1004 01:15:47,864 --> 01:15:50,826 Looking sad and shy. 1005 01:15:51,283 --> 01:15:53,243 We began to dance. 1006 01:15:53,996 --> 01:15:57,624 Swayin' to and fro whoa, whoa. 1007 01:15:57,708 --> 01:16:01,878 And soon I knew I'd never let her go. 1008 01:16:02,921 --> 01:16:06,008 Blame it on the bossa nova. 1009 01:16:06,091 --> 01:16:08,010 With its magic spell. 1010 01:16:09,094 --> 01:16:11,680 Blame it on the bossa nova. 1011 01:16:11,763 --> 01:16:13,682 That she did so well. 1012 01:16:15,058 --> 01:16:18,312 Oh, it all began with just one little dance. 1013 01:16:18,395 --> 01:16:21,023 But soon it ended up a big romance. 1014 01:16:21,106 --> 01:16:24,359 Blame it on the bossa nova. 1015 01:16:24,443 --> 01:16:26,987 The dance of love. 1016 01:16:27,070 --> 01:16:29,990 Blame it on the bossa nova. 1017 01:16:30,073 --> 01:16:31,992 With its magic spell. 1018 01:16:33,076 --> 01:16:35,621 Blame it on the bossa nova. 1019 01:16:35,704 --> 01:16:37,623 That she did so well. 1020 01:16:38,999 --> 01:16:42,252 Oh, it all began with just one little dance. 1021 01:16:42,336 --> 01:16:44,880 But soon it ended up a big romance. 1022 01:16:44,963 --> 01:16:48,300 Blame it on the bossa nova. 1023 01:16:48,383 --> 01:16:52,387 The dance of love. 1024 01:17:02,022 --> 01:17:04,024 Is there anybody out there? 1025 01:17:07,152 --> 01:17:09,321 Would you please do me a favour? 1026 01:17:09,404 --> 01:17:14,243 Call Crazy Leo's and tell him the TV set he sold me has a problem. 1027 01:17:14,326 --> 01:17:17,079 I'm still under warranty. 1028 01:17:17,162 --> 01:17:20,332 Hello? Hello? 1029 01:17:25,796 --> 01:17:27,714 Help me. I'll never see Selma. 1030 01:17:27,798 --> 01:17:31,134 I'll never get back. I'll never get back. 1031 01:17:31,218 --> 01:17:35,097 I'm finished. I'm finished. I'll never get back. 1032 01:17:35,180 --> 01:17:37,140 I'm goin' out of my mind. 1033 01:18:02,541 --> 01:18:05,335 Mary Brown? 1034 01:18:05,419 --> 01:18:10,382 - Yes. - Sit down, Mary Brown. 1035 01:18:15,387 --> 01:18:17,389 Thank you, Doctor. 1036 01:18:18,515 --> 01:18:22,519 Mary, I've been going over your tests. 1037 01:18:22,603 --> 01:18:25,731 How did a nice girl like you... 1038 01:18:25,814 --> 01:18:29,860 come to contract a social disease? 1039 01:18:29,943 --> 01:18:32,696 Then my worst fears are confirmed. 1040 01:18:32,779 --> 01:18:35,282 Oh, the shame of it! 1041 01:18:35,365 --> 01:18:40,120 Now, now. You are unclean... 1042 01:18:41,496 --> 01:18:45,000 but there's always hope. 1043 01:18:46,877 --> 01:18:49,588 Tell me how you went astray. 1044 01:18:49,671 --> 01:18:53,300 Tell me everything. 1045 01:18:54,384 --> 01:18:57,137 I won a... beauty contest... 1046 01:18:57,220 --> 01:18:59,139 here in Iowa. 1047 01:18:59,222 --> 01:19:03,226 I thought I'd try my luck... in New York. 1048 01:19:06,271 --> 01:19:08,357 It wasn't like Iowa at all. 1049 01:19:08,440 --> 01:19:12,319 And then I met a theatrical agent. 1050 01:19:12,402 --> 01:19:15,906 Gosh, that sure is different than the sarsaparilla we have back home. 1051 01:19:15,989 --> 01:19:18,492 Well, we like a little more "sass" in our "parilla." 1052 01:19:18,575 --> 01:19:23,038 Now, Mary I didn't get you up here to dish out a lot o' hooey. 1053 01:19:23,121 --> 01:19:25,874 Oh, that's all right. I already had lunch. 1054 01:19:25,958 --> 01:19:29,211 You see, there's a social side to this business we call "show." 1055 01:19:29,294 --> 01:19:32,923 - Now, uh, let me see your gams. - What? 1056 01:19:36,385 --> 01:19:39,429 I was humiliated, though oddly excited. 1057 01:19:40,722 --> 01:19:42,933 Well, he told me he could spot fresh talent... 1058 01:19:43,016 --> 01:19:46,728 and sent me to see a colleague of his named Dutch Monahan. 1059 01:19:46,812 --> 01:19:49,815 It turned out to be a wild party. 1060 01:19:52,484 --> 01:19:55,904 Here. Dunk your whiskers in this, sister. 1061 01:19:55,988 --> 01:19:59,241 You guys sure like your sarsaparilla in this town. 1062 01:19:59,324 --> 01:20:01,243 Get her. 1063 01:20:01,326 --> 01:20:04,663 Shut your trap, or I'll bite your ears off. 1064 01:20:04,746 --> 01:20:08,000 Keep your hands off me, ya big palooka. 1065 01:20:08,083 --> 01:20:11,169 That was my first exposure to New York intellectuals. 1066 01:20:12,546 --> 01:20:16,425 Gee whiz. My first sophisticated, New York party. 1067 01:20:16,508 --> 01:20:19,011 Which one is Cole Porter? 1068 01:20:21,179 --> 01:20:25,601 When you realized that your body had been rendered impure... 1069 01:20:25,684 --> 01:20:28,437 what did you do? 1070 01:20:28,520 --> 01:20:31,607 I made another foolish blunder. 1071 01:20:31,690 --> 01:20:34,610 I married my high school sweetheart, Ken. 1072 01:20:34,693 --> 01:20:37,487 My shameful affliction was exposed at last... 1073 01:20:37,571 --> 01:20:40,908 when Ken began showing symptoms of the disease. 1074 01:20:40,991 --> 01:20:43,619 Goodbye, honey. I'm going to work. 1075 01:20:43,702 --> 01:20:46,121 Goodbye. 1076 01:20:46,204 --> 01:20:48,415 Ow! 1077 01:20:48,498 --> 01:20:52,419 - Ken, what's wrong? - My eyes. 1078 01:20:52,502 --> 01:20:55,422 Had my sinful ways caught up with me? 1079 01:20:55,505 --> 01:20:58,383 Had I inflicted Ken with my secret shame? 1080 01:21:00,636 --> 01:21:03,597 Ken's vision began to affect his work. 1081 01:21:03,680 --> 01:21:09,144 Mike! Sorry! 1082 01:21:10,812 --> 01:21:13,690 Ah, today's reckless youth... 1083 01:21:13,774 --> 01:21:18,153 with your fast roadsters and your rumble seats. 1084 01:21:18,236 --> 01:21:22,950 I want to show you something, Mary Brown, for your own good. 1085 01:21:23,033 --> 01:21:27,037 Take a look at the germs that have ravaged your system. 1086 01:21:34,795 --> 01:21:37,673 Come now with me to the clinic. 1087 01:21:46,765 --> 01:21:50,894 What you are going to see here is not pleasant. 1088 01:21:50,978 --> 01:21:55,023 I didn't realize we had such specialized clinics here in Iowa. 1089 01:21:55,107 --> 01:21:59,695 When science is on the march, nothing can stand in its way. 1090 01:22:04,950 --> 01:22:07,160 Who is that pitiful creature? 1091 01:22:07,244 --> 01:22:10,664 Let's call him... 1092 01:22:10,747 --> 01:22:12,666 Pete Jones. 1093 01:22:12,749 --> 01:22:16,753 Pete's first troubles were with smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. 1094 01:22:16,837 --> 01:22:19,172 Weren't they, Pete? 1095 01:22:19,256 --> 01:22:22,384 Get back! We don't have any cigarettes! 1096 01:22:22,467 --> 01:22:24,386 Sad, isn't it? 1097 01:22:24,469 --> 01:22:27,723 - I've seen enough, Doctor! - I know you have. 1098 01:22:27,806 --> 01:22:29,725 But have you? 1099 01:22:29,808 --> 01:22:32,519 Resist temptation, or you may end up... 1100 01:22:32,603 --> 01:22:36,189 like Pete... and Mary... 1101 01:22:36,273 --> 01:22:39,234 and Ken. 86886