All language subtitles for New.York.Stories.1989.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

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We skipped the light fandango

Turned cartwheels 'cross the floor

I was feeling kind of seasick

But the crowd called out for more

The room was humming harder

As the ceiling flew away

How's it going?

Had your lunch yet?

I heard these two kids
in a restaurant yesterday.

One said,
"What's chocolate pudding?"

The other said, "It's good.
It's a lot like chocolate mousse. "

Why do I get this feeling
I'm not seeing any work today?

There's nothin' to see. It's "The Emperor's
New Clothes. " I'm gonna get slaughtered, man.

- Yeah, well, let me see what you got. I'm sure
it's a lot- - Just trust me on this. It's shit.

I'm in here, all I want to do
is lay down. I'm takin' a dive.

Well, if you can't work, at least
you can eat. Come out with me.

I can't. I have to pick up
my assistant at the airport.

I don't know why she can't
take a cab like everybody else.

- But, you know-
- Whatever.

So, uh, when would think would be
a good time for me to come back?

The show's in three weeks,
you know.

Oh, Lionel, Lionel, you go
through this before every show.

I'm talking 20 years of this!

Now get to know yourself
a little better!

You can pull it off, Lionel.
You always do!

And so it was

That later

As the miller told his tale

That her face at first just ghostly

Turned a whiter shade of pale

Shit!

- Hi.
- What are you doing here?

I thought I'd pick you up so you
don't have to hassle with cabs.

- Didn't you get my message?
- What?

I left it on the machine.
I said I'm not coming back.

What do you mean, you're not comin' back?
You're right here. I'd call that comin' back.

- You should listen to your machine now and then.
- "Listen to your machine"?

Doesn't that have a horrifying ring to it,
that expression, to listen to your machine?

Look, I- I didn't go to Florida
with a girlfriend like I told you.

Oh, yeah?

I went with somebody else.

A guy?

- So? So what? Who's the guy? Did he come off the plane with you?
- Why? You want to give him a lift home?

Well, I'd be lyin' if I said I wasn't curious
to see what kind of man rings your bell.

- Look, he's not here.
- What do you mean, he's not here? What'd he do? Take a goddam Greyhound?

We had a fight. He left me. I spent most
of the time down there by myself, okay?

- He left me, okay?
- He left you?

He left you?
Who is he?

I mean, who in their right mind
would leave you? Who is this guy?

I know him, right?

Gregory Stark.

That kid?
The comedian?

- A performance artist.
- Performance artist.

What the hell is a performance artist?
A person's an actor, a singer, a dancer.

I mean, do you call the guy that picks
up your garbage a sanitary engineer?

A performance artist.
And he left you?

- Now, you see through that, right?
- I don't care. It's over.

That's all.

Look, I'm moving out.

That's what
"I'm not coming back" means.

Where you gonna go?

What can you afford?

You gonna move into a dormitory?

You don't want to sleep with me
any more? Hey, I'm a big boy.

You don't have to go out on the street.
You had a fling. Big deal.

Welcome to the world. I mean, we're
still employer and employee, right?

I'm leaving New York.
I wanna go home.

Ah, yeah, well...

that's a whole
'nother ball o' wax.

You want to split? Fine.
Come back, pack up and go.

If you drag it out, I'll die.
You know that.

Come on.
Let's get it over with.

She said there is no reason

And the truth is plain to see

But I wandered through
my playing cards

And would not let her be

One of16 vestal virgins

Who were leaving for the coast

And although my eyes were open

They might just as well
have been closed

And so it was

That later

- You know, I can't believe I've never noticed that in here.
- Jesus!

Has this always been in here?

Incredibly handsome kid.
Beautiful boy.

I can understand the attraction.

Did you ever see him perform?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

How in the hell can you let somebody
like that drive you out of New York?

- I thought you had more spine than that.
- He's just some guy.

He's not driving me out.

It's not him.

- It's me?
- It's nobody. It's things.

- Things? What things?
- Don't you reason with me!

What about your painting?
Huh?

You gonna make a little studio
in your parents' garage...

with rusty hedge clippers
hanging on a nail...

and pool stuff
laying in the corner...

and a broken sled and mice?

You work for Lionel Dobie.

You work for the lion, baby.

You stretch canvases.
You run a few errands.

You got your own room, studio,
life lessons that are priceless...

plus a salary.

And if you act now, you'll also receive
a handsome sterling service for 24.

Look, I'm not kidding.
This kills me, you leaving.

It's a suicide.

This is a time and a place.

At your age, you're right in
the heart of the heart, Paulette.

I swear, you walk now, you'll curse
yourself the rest of your days.

I don't have to sleep
with you any more?

Baby, I'm your ally
against horse dung and fraud.

That's as far as it goes
from now on.

We skipped the light fandango

Turned cartwheels 'cross the floor

I was feeling kind of seasick

- But the crowd called out for more
- God!

- The room was humming harder
- Ow! Lionel, for God's sakes!

Sorry.

As the ceiling flew away

When we called out
for another drink

The waiter brought a tray

And so it was

That later

Is the music too loud?

- Uh-uh.
- As the miller told his tale

- You should get some sleep. - That her face
at first just ghostly - I'm working on it.

Turned a whiter shade of pale

You're gonna sleep like that,
you should shut this.

Otherwise, come 4:00 or 5:00
in the morning, you'll be freezing.

Sorry.

Can I, uh, get you anything?

- Soup?
- "Soup"?

Who are you talking to?

I don't care.

He's driving me crazy.

Hey there, now, baby

Get into my big black car

Hey now, baby

Get into my big black car

I wanna just show you

What my politics are

- Don't you knock?
- I did. I thought you said, "Come in. "

I'm sorry, I-
I think I left my sable brush in here.

- Did you see it?
- What are you doing?

- I could've sworn that I left it- -
I'm not sleeping with you. You promised.

What?

Jesus, you know what? This is crazy.
I just had this impulse.

I wanted to kiss your foot.

- You're nuts.
- No, no, no. I'm just working too hard.

I'm just getting weird.
I'm under a lot of pressure, you know.

Phillip's is hanging over my head
every day. "The show's in three weeks.

Show's in three weeks.
Show's in three weeks. "

Like a goddam mockingbird
in my ear!

I just wanted
to kiss your foot.

I'm sorry.
It's nothin' personal.

You want me to get you anything?

That her face at first just ghostly

Turned a whiter shade of pale

So...

do you love me?

Love you?
I said I did, yes.

What would you do if I left?

What would I do?

I'd go up on the roof
and howl like a gut-shot dog.

Well, I don't love you.

So what?

- Need me
- Night and day

- Oh, need me
- Night and day

- Oh, baby
- Night and day

- Take my hand
- Night and day

- Don't need
- Night and day

- No other man
- Night and day

- I said, baby
- Night and day

- Baby
- Night and day

- Whoa, baby, now
- Night and day

- Oh, come on, baby
- Night and day

- You know I want you by my side
- Night and day

- I want you to keep
- Night and day

- Oh, keep me satisfied, now
- Night and day

- I say the night time, now
- Night and day

- Whoa, Lord, is the right time
- Night and day

- Yeah, look at the one you love now
- Night and day

Well, it's so nice

It's amazing how much more
interesting it's getting.

- What do you mean, "interesting"?
- It's not boring.

You know, you got a nice
little irony working for you.

- Irony?
- Yeah. Nice irony.

- How's the tension? Last time-
- It's nice.

- Nice?
- Yeah, nice.

- You're full of shit, you know that?
- You know, you're the only person in the world who could say that to me and live.

Look, could you just tell me if you
think I'm any good? How 'bout that?

Just tell me if-if-if...

I have any talent or if you
think I'm wasting my time.

Because sometimes I feel
I should just quit.

Because-

Just tell me what you think.
Come on.

What the hell difference
does it matter what I think?

It's yours.

I mean, you make art
because you have to.

'Cause you got no choice.
It's not about talent.

It's about no choice
but to do it.

Now, are you any good?
Well, you're 22, so who knows?

Who cares?
You wanna to give it up?

You give it up, you weren't
a real artist to begin with.

Christ's sake.

"You give it up, you weren't
a real artist to begin with. "

What a stupid thing to say.
Stupid!

Hi, Ma.

Not so good.

I'm not.

I can't.

I want to go back to school.

I don't know.

Can I come home
for a little while?

No.

I just hate it here.

- Now how does it feel
- Hey, Lionel.

- Lionel!
- How does it feel

Turn the music down!

- To be without a home
- Lionel.

With no direction home

Like a complete unknown

Just like a rolling stone

Princess on the steeple
and all the pretty people

They're all drinkin'
thinkin' that they got it made

Exchanging all
precious gifts and things

But you'd better take
your diamond ring down

And pawn it, babe

You used to be so amused

At Napoleon in rags
and the language that he used

Go to him now, he calls ya
Ya can't refuse

When you ain't got nothin'
you got nothin' to lose

You're invisible
You got no secrets

To conceal

How does it feel

How does it feel

To be without a home

With no direction home

Like a complete unknown

Just like a rolling stone

I appreciate you coming with me tonight.
I hate these things with a passion.

You know this guy Wagner,
the party giver...

he's in real estate, right?

Uh, he come down to
my studio one time.

He puts his arm around
my shoulder and he says...

"Lionel, do you understand
the importance of Jackson Pollock?"

Then he points out all the condos and
loft co-op conversions out the window...

and he says, "If it wasn't for Jackson,
none of this would be happening. "

Jackson, right?
His old pal.

His pal.

You know, I haven't had any
knock-around friends since 1968.

I've associates,
admirers, detractors...

ex-wives, rivals-

- I have lots of friends.
- That's a very mean thing to say to me.

You have a string
in your hair.

You see right
through me, don't you?

I was in the army.
Army intelligence.

You see, they had me draw
Russian couples screwing.

See, they figured this way,
come the next war...

they'd drop thousands of these drawings
behind enemy lines with the message...

"Hey, Ivan, while you're
out here fighting' democracy...

ol' Boris is back home
doing your wife. "

- How could you tell the couples were Russians?
- Oh, I had 'em wearin' fur hats.

I mean, what's the difference?
The next war was Vietnam anyhow.

- Paulette what?
- Just Paulette.

So, what's it like to live
with the big man?

- I don't live with him. I work for him.
- She's an artist in her own right, right?

- Ah, Pete, this is Paulette.
- Paulette what?

- Just Paulette.
- Oh, yeah, you live with Lionel Dobie.

- She works for him. She's an artist. - Yeah, I think it goes back, like,
to the Incas and the Aztecs, right? - Really? Do you have visiting...

- in your studio? - Don't
you feel that? - Uh, well, um-

I, I, uh, collect
mainly '50s stuff-

uh, Rothko, Kline, you know.

- But I like to keep an ear to the rail.
- Excuse me a second.

Oh, I-I don't have anything
in the studio right now. I-

- Do you have a show up somewhere? - Uh,
no, I- I'm sort of in between galleries.

- Where did you show?
- Excuse me. Um, may I speak to you a moment?

I'll bring her right back,
gentlemen. I promise.

I got real good at it, all these
different sexual positions...

and the expressions of ecstasy,
and the-

This captain gave me
a hundred bucks for a set of six.

Said it was an anniversary
present for his wife.

It's the first stuff
I ever sold.

- I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude. Are you an artist?
- Yes.

Guys who were in my unit
who were in combat used to say...

"Any day above ground's
a good day. "

Do you think that's true?

- Who's that short kid with the earring?
- Oh, the lady killer? That's Reuben Toro.

He shows at Bendix.
He's not bad. Nice kid too.

- Hey, excuse me. Can I talk to you?
- Mr Lionel Dobie.

- You know, you, sir, are like my Willie Mays. It's a pleasure...
- Thank you. Can I talk to you?

- Excuse me.
-... to meet you.

- What?
- Shut up. Now, look now.

I- I don't know how to say this. I mean,
I'm not your shepherd or anything.

- But people are laughin' at ya out there.
- Why?

Well, you know that greasy-haired kid
you're dancing with?

Well, he's here to score and split. I
mean, he does this everywhere he's invited.

He likes to find some innocent kid,
and then he preys upon them.

I mean- I mean, hey, you're
a free agent. It's your life.

But I'm tellin' ya, if that low-rent hound does
anything to hurt you or humiliate you, I'll-

I thought you were gonna tell me that they
were laughing at me because of my work.

Well, this is kind a worse,
don't you think?

No. No, no, no, no. Let me go out
first. You stay in here a minute.

Because if people see us go out together,
then their minds make these leaps, you know.

- So stay here. - Creep!
- Lionel, there you are.

Lionel, I want you to meet Kurt Bloom.
He just bought the Rommel Gallery in Berlin.

Lionel Dobie.
Lionel Dobie, nice to see you.

- Open the door! - It is a
great pleasure for me. - Open!

- Is there a problem there? -
Lionel! - No, just a couple of kids.

- Oh.
- Uh, Rommel Gallery?

- Yes, Rommel Gallery in Berlin.
- West Berlin?

- West Berlin, yes.
- Yes. Nice. - Lionel!

- Kurt Bloom?
- Kurt Bloom, yes.

- I hate you!
- I'm really admiring your work.

- It's very great to see you here.
- Lionel!

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday, dear George

Happy birthday to you

Conquistador, there is no time

I must pay my respect

And though I Came to jeer at you

I leave now with regret

And as the gloom begins to fall

I see there is no, only all

And though you came
with sword held high

You did not conquer, only die

And though I hoped for
something to find

I can see no maze to unwind

And though I hoped for
something to find

I can see no maze to unwind

Oh, man, could I get a cup of that?
I'm dead and buried.

Are you a graffiti artist, Toro?

No, I wouldn't say that.

It's for the Japan House tonight.

Listen, I'm sorry what
I said to you at the party.

I- I just get crazy.

It's beautiful.

Look, I can't go with you tonight.
I made other plans.

- Oh, yeah?
- I'm going to the Blind Alley with some girlfriends.

Oh, yeah?
Who's, uh, at the Blind Alley?

I just want to show him that I don't
give a damn any more, you know?

I can go see him, see his stuff-
his stuff, like anybody else.

Does that sound like
total horse shit, or what?

No, absolutely not. I think, uh-
I think we should.

I think we should show him that life goes
on, that he's not even worth avoiding.

I- I think you have to go
right up in his face tonight.

- I mean, right up in his face.
- I think I'd rather work.

No, don't use work as an excuse.
Your work's sacred.

- Yeah, well, maybe yours is.
- No, yours too. Yours too.

Now, look, you go with your girlfriends,
you go with them...

that's like a bunch of high school girls
with a crush on some boy.

But if y-you walk in with me, you make an
entrance with fire power, with dignity.

- What about Japan House?
- Now, first comes our house.

I don't know. I think- I think
you should go right up in his face.

See, I don't look for trouble.
I mean, but some people do, right?

You know, they- they, like, walk around, you know?
They-They-They-They're, like, lookin' for a- for a fight.

Like, okay, I had this one guy one time. He's
walkin' down the street, and he steps on my foot.

All right, it was an accident. He didn't
mean it, right? But he doesn't say anything.

You know, so I said,
"Excuse me. " Yeah?

He turns around, he says,
"Yeah, what?"

So okay, never mind. Forget about it.
Wha- I mea- Am I-

Am I supposed to get into a fight with
the guy because he steps on my foot?

All right. What if I-
What if I do fight with the guy...

and I get lucky and I kill him?

All right? Then, uh, the cops come by and
they say, "Well, how come you killed this guy?"

I say, "Well- Well,
he, uh, stepped on my foot. "

They're gonna think I overreacted.

See, I don't know what it is. I woke up
today. I mean, I wake up every day.

Today- Today, I woke up and, uh,
I felt- I felt really strange.

You know? I mean, really weird,
because I wasn't depressed.

I wasn't sad.
I wasn't angry.

On the other hand, I mean,
I wasn't happy or good-natured.

I just sort of felt...

I- I-I don't know, kind of even.

Don't get me wrong, okay?
I'm not content. I hate that.

You know, when you say to somebody, "Well, how
are you?" and they go, "Well, I'm content. "

I feel like saying, "Yeah, what would
you be if I smacked ya?" You know?

I'd rather feel
one way or the other.

But today, I-I-I just felt even.

And, uh, I don't like it.

- Sex kick - Ah!
Lionel Dobie. - Sex kick

- Yeah, wow.
- I know what you're thinking I know what you're wanting

Sex kick, sex kick
Sex kick, sex kick

Se- Oww

Hey, hey

Hey

- Go over and talk to him.
- No, I changed my mind. I'm tired.

- I just wanna go home.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. Just go on over and talk to him.

Just tell him you liked the show.
I mean, now's the time.

Yeah.

- Gregory, hi.
- Hey, Paulette.

- Listen, I- I just wanted to tell you, you
know, it was just- wow. - Greg, hi. Excuse me.

- Peter! God.
- Yeah, we just missed the show.

- You know, traffic. - Aw,
man. - But I have a friend here.

- I'd like you to meet Hank. - How
you doin'? - Hey. - Love your stuff.

- Creep.
- Paulette, don't worry about it. The guy is a jerk.

- Did you see Lionel Dobie?
- Where? Is he here?

He's right there.
He's got a blue shirt on.

- Hey! You feel better, right?
- Why'd you make me do that?

- He's a bastard!
- Look, you're the bastard!

I didn't want to do that.
Why'd you make me do that?

Me? I love you.
I'll do anything for you.

You want me to go back in that tunnel
and pull him out by his hair? Just say it!

Listen, you don't want to sleep with me
or let me touch ya, I'll live with that.

I will live with that, because I love you. But you
just tell me what you want me to do. I'll do it.

I'll-I'll kill him in front of
everybody! What?Just say it!

- Stop it! Stop! You're such a fool!
- No- Listen to me.

Listen to me.
Listen to me.

Listen to me.

I love you.

I love you.
I'll do anything for you.

I'll stretch canvas for you.

Do you love me?

I said I did, yes.

You'd do anything for me?

What?Just name it.

See them?

Kiss the driver on the mouth.
Then we'll talk.

What?

Come on.
Show me how much you love me.

- What if I do, huh?
- Then I'll know your love is true.

And if you don't, your name
is King Bullshit, and I pack.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Check out Grizzly Adams here.

Has he got anything?

I don't think so.

Just looks like he lost his llama.

What's up?

Hey. Hey-Hey, oh-ho-ho-ho.
Back away from the car, pal.

You better back away from the car.

Why do I get these
all the time?

I love you too. Come on.
Take a walk, will ya?

Is that for me?

Is what for you?

You walk around
like that in front of me...

what's to stop me from losing control,
from just taking you?

Taking me?

I could do anything.
You know why?

Because I'm nothin' to you,
so who cares?

I could rape you.
I could kill you.

- I could kill myself.
- Or rape yourself even.

I could do anything, because I'm
nothing. I'm the invisible man with you.

Night.

Anything. Anything.

- Hey, hear Heidi got a show?
- Her own show?

- Well, it's a group show.
- Where?

In El Paso.
Is that Donald Dowd?

Yep.

- You see his show?
- I saw it with you.

Yeah, I- Sorry.

Boy, I'm glad I make
such a strong impression.

Shit!

- Great.
- I heard he won some arts grant.

- Yeah, from his parents.
- Yeah!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How you doing?
- I'm great. How are you?

- Good.
- Good.

Oh, you know, I'm uh- Got this new
piece running over at the Blind Alley.

- You should come see it. - She did see it,
you self-absorbed, no-talent son of a bitch!

- Shut up, Lionel.
- What's your problem, man?

Who in the hell told you you were a human being?
What the hell do you know about the human heart?

- You don't even know her. You don't
even see her. - Lionel! - Right.

- What was she just she, just some piece of ass
to you? - Okay, stop it! - Shut your mouth, man!

Honey, don't do that.

Hey! What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Are you punishing me?

Punishing you?

Listen, uh-
I got carried away. I'm sorry.

- I-I love you. - Look, my
brother's driving in to pick me up.

He'll be here in two hours.
Stay out of my face till then!

Wha- Who- Wai-
What're you doing?

I'm going home.
Stay out of my face!

Home? This is New York. It's here
for you. I'll-I'll do anything for you.

All right, to hell with me. To hell
with me, okay? What about your painting?

Tell me what's here. Don't give me the
shit about "real artists have no choice. "

What's here? Am I good?
Will I ever be good?

Come on. Right now! Come on!

I'm going home.

You're young yet.
I love you.

Love me?
You just need me around to-

Sometimes I feel like a human sacrifice.
I don't know.

Maybe if I was as good as you, I
wouldn't care about anybody else either.

But I'm not, so goodbye.

So I'm the monster, right? Well,
just what's so hell great about you?

- I don't know. Nothing.
- You know, you gotta start learnin' to like yourself a little more.

- Yeah, okay. I'll try.
- But, see, you don't think I love you, because you don't love yourself.

I'll keep that in mind.

Okay, look, maybe it's me.
It's- No, it's me.

You know, I indulge.
I indulge in love.

I indulge in making my stuff,
and they feed off each other, you know?

And they come together at times,
but this- this is bad.

This is selfish.
So maybe I-

I- I should try and be
a nice person for ya.

Maybe the key to that
is to try and stop.

You know, just, uh, sh-
stop painting.

And, uh, maybe I sh- Yeah, and I should stop-
stop painting and just be a nice person for you.

Now, is- is that what
you want me to do? Huh?

I don't give a damn what you do. My brother's a
United States Marine, and I can't take this any more!

Get out of here.
Get outta here!

I can't take this any more!

Get out of my room!

Your room?
I own the damn building!

A complete unknown

Just like a rolling stone

You've gone to the finest school
All right, Miss Lonely

- But you know you only used to get juiced in it
- You know something?

If just once you came by my room and said,
"Gee, Paulette, you're a terrible painter.

- Why don't you get a job and enjoy it?"
- Let me tell you something.

You think I just use people,
just grind 'em up.

Well, you don't know
anything about me.

You don't know how involved I get
or how far down I go.

Hell, I was married four times since
before you were even born.

- So don't you tell me!
- He's not sellin' any alibis

As you stare into the vacuum
of his eyes

- And says to you would you like to
- So don't tell me.

Make a deal

How does it feel

How does it feel

- To be without a home
- Chippies.

You know why they call 'em that? Because
they like to chip away at you, man.

Take a little chip. That's your
art form. That's your talent.

Just like a rolling stone

Oh, God.

Excuse me, Mr Dobie, uh, I
- I just wanna tell ya, man, like, I'm kind a like an artist myself.

When I look at your stuff,
I just wanna divorce my wife.

- I mean, like, thank you.
- Thank you. - Thank you.

- Can I have a white wine, please?
- Sure.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- What was that?
- I wanted to touch you for good luck.

- For me?
- No, for me.

Maybe some of it'll rub off, um-

Are you an artist?

You're an artist.
I'm a painter.

I mean, I'm trying to-

- I'm not saying this right.
- Listen, are you making ends meet?

Um, it's an expensive city.

Oh, it's the only city.

What's Fowler pay you?
Peanuts, right?

Yeah.

I need an assistant. I pay room and board, give
life lessons that are priceless, plus a salary.

You wouldn't know anybody
who needs a job, would ya?

Oh, God!

- What's your name? I'm Lionel Dobie.
- Hi.

We skipped the light fandango

Did you know that flute playing
was once banned by law?

Once upon a time it was.

It was banned because
it was so beautiful...

that all the virgins fell in love
and got themselves seduced.

My father told me that story.
He's Claudio Montez...

and he's the greatest
flute player in the world.

My mother is
Charlotte Montez...

and she's usually travelling
in India or somewhere...

taking photographs
or maybe writing a book.

Her beautiful face
was the first sight I ever saw.

When I was born, Claudio used
to play the baby music for me...

on his silver flute.

It was the first sound
I ever heard.

They named me Zoe,
because Zoe means "life" in Greek.

Zoe, consider her

Zoe, deliver her

She's so offbeat

So bittersweet

Zoe, consider her

Zoe, deliver her

Life would be nothing without her

She's got that something about her

Makes me weak

Zoe, consider her

Since Claudio and
Charlotte are rarely home...

I live alone in
the Sherry Netherlands Hotel...

where the old ladies in the elevator
wear too much perfume.

Hector is our family butler
and my guardian angel.

He takes care of me
when my parents are travelling...

which is most of the time.

- I'm not in.
- Good morning, Miss Montez!

Come on. Get up. You don't
wanna be late for school again.

- Hi, Vegas.
- Smell that hot chocolate.

Come on. It's just like you like it-
sugar and Sweet'N Low.

- One and one.
- Yeah. Don't wanna go to school.

- I don't feel good.
- You don't what?

You know, maybe you have the flu.
It's going around.

Let me- Ooh!
I burned my hand!

Quick, get the salve.
Ooh, please help! Please!

Tell you what.
We'll look at your horoscope, okay?

See what that says
about going to school.

"Miss Zoe Montez, Aries.

Have a nice
continental breakfast...

then get up real quick
and get dressed for school.

Don't dilly-dally. "

What's that mean, "dilly-dally"?

It means you made it up.

How 'bout you wear this today?
This is nice.

My father gets the most unusual mail.
Brooklyn Academy of Music-

- Yes or no? Wanna wear this?
- No.

- No?
- Julio Iglesias tickets?

How 'bout this?
You could put this on real quick.

- Mm, okay.
- Okay.

You know, maybe you should
open the rest of the mail...

when you get home
from school tonight.

You'll have more time then.

Hmm, the minister of Sharez
is having a big bash.

- Sharez. Do you know where is?
- Mm, no.

We could look it up in the atlas
tonight. But now you can't be late.

- You know what your mother said.
- Oh, my mother. Her life is always such a mess.

And before you know it, she tries
to organize mine long-distance.

- Listen, you're gonna miss the bus again.
You know what time- - It's not right.

- Look, it's 8:06, 8:07.
- It's just not fair.

- Right in that area. Hurry.
- Hot to trot.

Hey, you see? Your favourite.
Look, farm fresh.

And it's done just
like you like it.

Seven-and-a-half minutes.

I put a little salt on it,
no pepper.

Okay, now, chew it 20 times
like I showed you.

One- Oh. Okay, just yolk?

I'll give you some
of the white stuff later.

Remember her trying to teach me about my
credit cards and my damn bank balance?

Watch your language.
Don't say "bank balance. "

Once I was in debt,
I was in debt so much...

that with all the deductions
she took out of my allowance...

I didn't even have enough
money to pay for taxis.

Thanks, Hector. Just don't let
my mom long-distance harass you.

Whatever's right.
Whatever's right.

- Oh, good. Thanks, Vegas.
- The bus is leaving. It does not wait.

- It'll wait! - Don't miss the
B-U-S! - Don't worry. Calm down.

Go, Zoe, go!

Hustle, Zoe.

Good morning, Mr Lilly.
What's new?

I suppose you want cash, Zoe.

I was just saying hello.

Please, a twenty, two tens,
a five and five singles.

Charge it to my account, please.
Just in case I miss my bus.

And they're off! Oh!

Here comes Zoe, running tired.
Running tired.

Zoe's gonna be late for school again.
She's gonna be late, folks.

She's running slow.
She's running tired.

She's not gonna make it!
Come on, Zoe. Run. Run, Zoe!

Shit!

Cab, cab, cab, cab!
Taxi!

- You know, I have yet to see you be on time.
- Thanks for your concern.

- Who is that? - Oh, that's the
new kid. - Oh, that's the new boy.

- New boy? - Oh, my Lord, look!
- That's a very, very nice suit.

Look at that thing
on that guy's head.

It's a turban.
Haven't you ever seen one before?

Let's get an interview
with that new boy!

Yeah! Andrea Melcher says he's one
of the richest boys in the world.

- Oh, my God. - Andrea said
that? - She knows him already?

- She works fast.
- The richest boy.

- Excuse me.
- Zoe, how are we gonna get an interview with him?

- He has bodyguards. -
Yeah. - Big bodyguards.

Rich people like
to be in the press.

Yeah, but what are you
gonna say to him?

We have champagne
and caviar, baby.

I show you my new BMW
and my red Ferarri.

We make beautiful music together.

He's got a silver Maserati
with a 24-hour-a-day driver.

- Can you believe that?
- My Maserati goes 185

Girls. Girls, girls.
Now, we need to get back to work.

- Sorry, Mrs Mendez.
- We have a magazine to put out.

- Who has his number? How can we get his number?
- Andrea.

- Andrea's just like-
- Andrea!

- Are you talking to me?
- Can we have Abu's phone number?

He'll be on the cover
of Dingbat News.

I enjoy taking long walks.

He enjoys long walks.

I get really bored
with spending money.

Bored spending money.

I intend to inherit
my father's wealth...

and after that,
create many times more...

so that I will be
the richest man in the world...

by the time I am 24.

Lately, people have been offering
me drugs, but I am not interested.

- I can satisfy myself with a chocolate bar.
- Really?

I like going to parties.
Sometimes the Hewitt girls...

- invite me to their parties... -
Thank you. - at the Carlyle or the Concorde.

Last year, I was a straight guy.
I was very preppy-

into computers, video games
and a dirt bike.

- Now, I am into clothes and music and art.
- Wow.

This is the Dingbat News,
not People magazine.

Well, we are supposed to
wear socks, but I do not.

Oh, good.
Doesn't wear socks.

I have talked to Morgan Fairchild on
the telephone for an hour in my room.

Oh, I suppose you see right through me,
popular girls like you.

- See through you?
- Yes. Right through me, I think.

- Why?
- I have no friends, hardly.

Not any kids of my own age.

But I have plenty
of adult friends...

but they're easy to get
when you're rich.

- No friends at all?
- Not one.

- Really? - Gee, that's too bad.
- Abu, I was a very lonely kid.

I used to travel with my father,
so I had no friends.

You? No friends? Really?

Then my mom told me the story
of the bunny rabbit.

"Bunny rabbit"?
What is bunny rabbit?

Once upon a time there was
a bunny rabbit, a lonely one.

He had no friends at all.

So his mother put him in his backyard
with all his toys and carrots...

and vegetables and said,
"You play here with all your stuff. "

- And what do you think happened?
- What happened?

Soon, lots of bunny rabbits were
peeking over the fence, saying...

"Can I play too?"

My mom told me that story.

Whenever I'm lonely
and have no friends...

I just have a lot
of fun by myself.

And people always peek over the fence
and say, "Can we play too?"

I see. So be it.

Can I play too?

- Let's go shopping.
- Okay.

Thank you, Abu.
I had a wonderful time.

- So have I.
- But it's extremely late.

- Will you be in trouble?
- I don't think so. Bye-bye!

I'm sorry.
We don't have a "Carter" on here.

Right here. Come on. Pull it.

- Come on. Move! Hey!
- Hey, I'm cool, buddy. I'm not a real security guard.

- I'm just an out-of-work actor tryin'
to pay the rent. - Quiet! Quiet, fat man.

- We do this all the time. - Leave me alone!Jimmy,
please! - Now you got something to tell your grandchildren.

- Don't hurt her!
- Lie down there. On your hands! Come on!

It's all right. Come on.
Do what they say. It's a robbery.

- Quiet! And don't look! - I'm scared.
- Be still and don't look at them.

Stay here and don't look.
Don't look!

- Keep your eyes down. - I
don't want to. - Shut up, kid!

- Comfy?
- Leave her alone. Kick me. Don't kick her.

What do you have there?

- Pop it, pop it. Come on!
- Hey, that's my father's. Number 77!

- Clam up, kid, or I'll make ya howl!
- They've got his security box!

I was gonna inherit
his cuff links someday.

- Will you keep quiet?
- Zoe, this is serious. Look at my eye.

- I've got an audition tomorrow.
- Just the big stuff.

- Blot that out with a little Chanel Soft Bisque number three.
- Really?

- Hey, how you kids doin' there, huh? You need anything?
- All right.

- You comfy? - Yeah. - No. -
You want anything? A blanket?

Uh, how about a lobster roll,
or, uh, maybe a club sandwich?

How would you like that? Ask me. Anything
you want. You just ask me. I'm your man, okay?

Come on, fellas. Let's go!
Move it! Come on! Let's go.

Don't make any fuss for a while.
We might be right back.

Good for you.
Big deal.

Boy, Zoe, if I could remember this sense
memory, I'd be the hit of my acting class.

- Bravo,Jimmy.
- Thank you, Mr Lilly.

- Are you all right, Zoe?
- Yeah.

You were very brave.

Lately, all these high-class New York
hotels have been getting robbed.

I'm glad the crook dropped the package
he stole from my father's...

safe deposit box,
and I got it back.

Wow. Those crooks sure
didn't know what they had.

I'd better tell Hector.

Hector!
Hector, wake up! Hector!

- What?
- There was a robbery downstairs!

- What?
- Yeah.

- Are you all right?
- Yes. Here, look.

They just took it out of
my father's safety deposit box.

Look, it's a diamond,
and there's a note.

"A Tear of Sharez for my tears when
I heard your flute. Princess Soroya. "

- Sharez? Where's that invitation we opened this morning?
- In the garbage.

- What? - Threw it in
the garbage. - Oh, gosh.

Come on.
Come on, Hector.

- How'd you get that thing?
- Those crooks dropped it.

- Vegas, drop- Ahh! -
Ahh! - Open your mouth.

- Drop it! -
Zoe, just- - I am!

- Pull it, pull it, pull it.
- Wait! Got it! - Got it? Okay.

I hope we have all the pieces.
I don't know.

- Yeah. - You
think so? - Yeah.

Yeah, we-we got it all.
It's all here.

- "Sheik Omar requests-"
- "Sheek" Omar.

- It's pronounced "shake".
- "Sheek" Omar.

Okay. "Sheik Omar requests the pleasure
of the company of Mr Claudio Montez...

at dinner and a party to follow.

Princess Soroya will wear
the famed Tears of Sharez earrings.

Black tie. "

Well, black tie's no problem,
but the earrings-

one earring, anyway,
is gonna be a problem.

- How can she wear it if it's here?
- I know.

Claudio's in big trouble,
and it's not his fault.

I know what happened. She probably heard him play the
flute, and then she took it off her ear and gave it to him.

- It happens all the time.
- And the sheik must think...

that he's falling
in love with his wife.

- Oh, no.
- We gotta find this Princess Soroya.

Give her back the diamond.
That's all.

Sheik Omar.
Maybe Abu's heard of him.

Abu? Who's Abu? Abu who?

Abu's my new friend.

Hi, Abu? It's Zoe.

Fine. And you?

I hope it's not too late.

Say, Abu, do you know Sheik Omar?

"Shake" Omar.

Oh, he's your uncle.

Oh, he's the king!

So Princess Soroya is your aunt.

Abu? How would you
like to have a party?

- Play with all your carrots and vegetables.
- Vegetables?

- Sorry, Hector.
- Hit me in the head with the hat. Abu?

- Yeah, like the bunny rabbit.
- Rabbits? What's goin' on?

Oh! Your parents are
out of town. Perfect!

Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!

It's Tom Cruise,
and I'm wearing a tank top.

- Howdy,Jimmy. How's tricks?
- Eh. Hey, Zoe, you think next time your mom has Joe Papp over for dinner...

she could use these for place mats?

- I think the plates might break.
- Ohh.

- Say,Jimmy, I like you in that colour. -
Thanks,Jimmy. - Something about a man in uniform.

Oh, and, ladies, these pinky drinkies
are on Raoul.

- All right. - Strawberry daiquiris.
- Who's coming to Abu's party?

Hey, the butler did it.

Zoe, I gotta talk to you for a minute.

- Zoe, your mother called and said-
- Yeah, I know.

My mother called to tell me that she's working on
a new photo journal of India, and my mother is home.

- My mother is home.
- Hello, Zoe darling.

So, is this what your father
calls "sophisticated"?

Twelve-year-old girls drinking strawberry
daiquiris and reading Paris Vogue.

- Mom, what are you doing here?
- Oh, my God, we gotta go.

That's a warm welcome,
and I'm your mother...

this is my bedroom,
and these are my earrings.

- I'm sorry, Mrs Montez.
- Sorry.

- Bye, Zoe.
- That's my hat.

- Watch that. - Sorry.
- Bye, Mrs Montez.

- I'm sorry, girls. I was not intending
to be a snob. It was- - So long, Zoe.

- You will forgive me, won't you,
girls? - Bye, Zoe. - Bye, Mrs Montez.

- Bye, girls.
- Move it, move it. Let's go. Move it.

- Hello.
- Aw.

One, two, three-

Come on, Lundy.
Hurry up. Let's go.

- Bye, Zoe.
- See you later, Bridget.

Uh, sorry, Mom,
but what's going on?

Zoe, I know this is-
this is difficult, but...

your father and I
are trying a reconciliation.

What?

Oh, Zoe. Oh, sweetheart.

Most kids would be happy
to hear that.

Oh, whatever's right.

- It's your clothes, I think.
- My clothes?

Something's wrong with my clothes?

The shoulders are really big.

Oh, Zoe, would yo-
Please don't start on my shoulders.

A woman shouldn't have
bigger shoulders than a man.

Besides, they slide around.

Face it, Mom, they're pass�.

We should have given me
a fair warning you were coming...

so I could have reserved
a room at the Plaza.

She's a nut.

See? And you're smoking again.

I tell you, Charlotte, you shouldn't be
hanging out with those art friends of yours.

Lucy Montana and Aggie Zenobia?
You're better than that, Mom.

You have real talent, and you'd see it
if you'd quit competing with Claudio.

I'm the daughter,
and you're the mother! Oh.

I'm the mother,
and you're the daughter.

Right.

Daddy, oh, Daddy!

- I was worried about you.
- How's my principessa?

I love your scarf.
Can I wear it?

Of course.

Can I have it?
Just kidding.

Look. You can use it
for a poster.

Ah. Wonderful. Good idea.

It's a- It's a work of art.

Look. I could use it
for an album cover.

- What do you think?
- Yeah. Sit down. Relax. You must be tired.

- Can I get you a drink?
- Ah, sure.

Hey, Vegas.
How are you, Vegas?

Thank you.

- My bambina.
- How's everything?

Well...

in life there are always
a few problems.

But, uh, things are not too bad.

We were all surprised
you interrupted your tour.

- Well, you know how it is.
- How is it?

Uh, I'm a little bit in hot water.

- You know what that means?
- I can figure it out.

But nothing for you
to worry about, my little signorina.

That's for me, Vegas.

Hello?

Yes.

Still?

- What is it?
- Oh, my little charmer.

Did you know Mom
was coming home too?

Yes, your mother.

Zoe, did I ever tell you how once
playing the flute was banned by law?

A million times.

It was banned because the sound
was so beautiful...

so seductive.

- It oughtta be against the law.
- It's true.

Since when did you
start smoking again?

Mm. Occasional cigarette.

A flautist shouldn't smoke.
I can help, Pops.

Believe me, Zoe,
there is no problem, though.

It was just a-

Well, you see-
Yes?

A very beautiful, mysterious woman.

A princess, in fact.
She heard you play the flute.

And she was so moved
that she gave me a jewel-

an earring.

She plucked from her ear and said...

"A Tear of Sharez
for my tears...

when I heard your flute."

I put it in my pocket.

It's nice, isn't it?
But- But-

How? I thought it was stolen.

Her husband is-

You see, Zoe, he doesn't know it was
all an innocent misunderstanding.

Neither will Mom.
Exactly.

And this is the wrong time
for something to go wrong.

Just give it back.
He has a man watching me.

Maybe I can help, Pops.

Maybe.

Claudio, you're so charming.

Taxi! Get us a taxi.
Taxi!

It's raining out.
Will you please hail a taxi?

I'm trying.
I don't want to get wet.

Oh, there they
are. - Hi. - Hi, guys.

My dress. - It's raining.
Zoe, I love your hair.

Got anything to eat? You got any candy bars, peanuts...
Zoe, Zoe, give it to me.

Margit, relax. - or anything,
huh? - Zoe, oh, my God.

I don't know.
I'm hungry.

Here's chocolate kisses. I'll bring
you more tomorrow if you let me go!

Promise?
I promise!

Okay. You better come back,
'cause I'm hungry.

Oh, my gosh!
Taxi!

Zoe, what took you so long?
We couldn't get here. It was raining so hard, we could not get a cab.

All these people came. Come see.
Really? Hey, come on. Let's look.

One for the money
Two for the show

Three to get ready
and go, cat, go

Welcome to my house, girls.
Come, let us go.

Let's party!

One more thing to say

Being here at home
Sitting all alone

In and out one world

I'm dreamin' back on Earth

Looking out in space

I see just one race

We're giving in to fate
We're giving in to hate

I've fought you many times before

And I am really tired of war

Hey, Andrea, Andrea,
is that your boyfriend?

Thinking 'bout old times
only makes me sad

'Cause I Just lost the best friend
that I ever had

Now winter's near
September's here

And I wish I was going back

Oh, thank you, Zoe. Now I am really living.
Me too.

Abu, are we gonna meet
the princess?

This is my friend,
Aunt Soroya.

Zoe Montez, Your Highness.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

You are a jewel...

Zoe Montez.

Takin' a holiday

I need one, like, right away

I'm takin' a holiday right now

Da da da da da da
Takin' a holiday

I need one, like, right away

I'm taking a holiday right now

Charlotte, darling...

why is it so impossible
for us to be in love, hmm?

It is impossible
to be married to the man...

whose flute playing intoxicates
every woman who hears it.

Zoe says a woman
must never be jealous of a man.

Zoe is 12 years old.
All the more you should listen to her.

Cut!

Let's all go to dinner.
You can clean your room later.

Where should we go?
The RTR.

Yeah, the Russian Tea Room.

Not Japanese food or Thai food.

Okay.
Yea!

That's no fair.

It's nice to walk home together.

Bravo.

Do you know the difference
between a flutist and a flautist?

I don't know.
Fifty bucks a week more.

Oh, Pops, the baby music.

The baby music.

Goodbye, Zoe.
Goodbye?

I just got a telegram.

They need me to play
in Athens, Greece.

Then Rome and Vienna.

It's a sudden engagement.

But...

when you're a big girl,
you'll come with me.

I promise.

You'll make
the travel arrangements.

Paint a pretty picture of me.

Order the caviar.

Oh, Pops, can't I go with you?

I'm afraid not.

I don't know if you can hear me,
but here they are, just like I promised.

She's why I love New York.
Have a nice day.

See ya soon, I hope.

Look, Mom. Look at her.
She's wonderful.

She's so beautiful and graceful.
She is fabulous.

She's what I call the ideal woman.

Zoe, I've really been a fool all these years,
looking in all the wrong places for something.

I'm always a fool.

Oh, God. How lucky.

Right in front of
my nearsighted face the whole time...

my own daughter, and you're
the most fun I've ever had.

Mom, I just happen to have
two first-class tickets to Paris...

leaving at 8:00 a. m.,JFK.

A few days in Paris with you?
Sounds good to me.

Some shopping,
catch the Chanel show.

Oh.
Why not? It doesn't cost all that much more.

Not really. It would be a sin
not to keep going.

And we just have to go to Greece.
Oh, yes, Greece.

That would be wonderful.
To see Claudio, hear him play.

And cast my shadow
along the Acropolis.

Bravo!
Go, Dad!

Yea!
Bravo!

And so you could say,
we all lived- on tour-

happily ever after.

I'm 50 years old,
I'm a partner in a big law firm.

You know, I'm very successful...

and I still haven't resolved my
relationship with my mother, you know.

I had a dream the other night
that she died.

Make a left on the next corner.
You're going the long way.

Mom, I know how to drive
to the cemetery.

Yeah, you know.
And slow up.

You have to speed?
I'm doing 30 miles.

Listen, if you're gonna be nasty,
I'm not going.

You really want her
out of your life, don't you?

You know, I don't know what to say. Tonight I'm gonna
take Lisa home to meet my mother for the first time...

and I've been nervous
about it all day, you know.

Because my mother always humiliates me.
She always finds some way.

Even when I was a kid, you know, and I would
go out with her shopping, to the store...

she would speak so loudly.

You know, she always speaks
at the top of her lungs, and I...

you know, and I-I-I- it always
made me self-conscious, you know.

I- I-I'm just not looking forward
to a good evening.

You still react to her
like a small boy.

You really have to have
some sense of humour about it.

I can't.
I try, but I can't, you know?

I- I-I-
She just gives me a hard time.

She- She- She's always telling me
that I look terrible...

and she's critical, you know?

Listen. What can I say? I-I love her,
but I wish she would disappear.

Hi, Mom, I-I hope we're not late.
Hello.

Hello, hello.
Hi. How are you?

Gee, you look terrible.

Oh, this is very nice.
Thank you.

It's so cheerful.
He doesn't like it.

What do you mean I don't like it? It's fine.
Huh.

He thinks it's too Jewish.
What does that mean?

You know, his name
is not Sheldon Mills.

It's Millstein. - Yes,
I know. - She knows, Mom.

She knows. I told her.
Be quiet. I'm talking to her.

You're losing your hair.

He had such beautiful red hair
when he was a boy.

He was always ashamed of it.
They used to call him Red. He hated it.

Take some bread and butter.

You know, his father,
may he rest in peace...

was completely bald too.

I'm not completely bald.
You will be.

What do you do, Lisa?

I work in an advertising firm,
part-time.

It's the perfect job for me, 'cause it
leaves me plenty of time to be with the kids.

How many?
Three.

By a previous marriage.
Eat your dessert.

Here he is.
Oh.

Nineteen months old.
Oh, he's adorable.

And look at that little behind.
Mom, please! Enough already.

Everything embarrasses him.
He's always shushing me.

He says I talk too loud when we go out,
you know, like in restaurants?

It's just too bad.
What do I care if people listen?

He was always ashamed. Hmph.

He used to wet the bed.
Oh, God.

Excuse me.
I'll be right back.

Mom, we're gonna have to go. Really.
Oh-

'Cause I gotta get a cab back.
And dinner was- dinner was terrific.

Look, look. Listen, Sheldon.
Don't get married.

Mom, I don't wanna discuss it.

I wanna discuss it.
What do you know about that?

After all, where do you come
to a blond with three children?

What are you, an astronaut?

Are you okay?
My mother did it again.

Oh. Dinner with your fianc�e?

No, that was last week's trauma.

Today, I'm at work...

and I'm in the middle
of an important conference.

You know, I work for a very conservative
firm. Everything is always very formal.

Excuse me, Mr Mills.
I think they're a pretty good group of people in general.

Your mother's here.
What?

Joe and Annabel are working on communications with them.
Your mother's here to see you.

Now, we've explored a few different issues.
I've outlined a few different ones here.

Mother.
Say hello to Aunt Ceil.

What are you doing here?
We just saw Cats.

Katz? Mr Katz?
Cats. Cats, the show.

Remember? You gave me two tickets?

Oh, Cats.
Cats, of course.

So I thought I'd take Aunt Ceil
to see your office.

Isn't it beautiful?
She doesn't hear a thing.

Sheldon, we're a little behind schedule.
Oh, yes. Yes, sir.

Uh, I'm-
S- See, I'm all tied up.

This is Bates,
the one with the mistress.

Hello, Mrs Millstein?
Hi, it's Lisa.

I- I'm calling to invite you
to come out...

on Sunday with Sheldon and me.

I'd like you
to meet the children.

Oh, please come.

Uh-huh. W-We can have lunch
and hopefully have a wonderful time.

I don't know why
we have to sit out here.

It's a nice table.
It's- It's cold out here.

And why- And why do we have to go
all the way back like this?

Right this way. It's a nice table.
Oh, I don't like when it's outside like this.

After all, the weather- - There
you go. - You know how it is.

And, oh, well. All right,
all right. Thank you. Thank you.

I don't know why we have to be out here.
Here, I'll give you this wine list. You can look at that.

You tell me, why?
Thank you.

I don't- I don't particularly care for
an outdoor table. - And this. - Thank you.

I don't know what
you brought me here for...

because-
I'm not crazy about magic.

It's for the kids.
It's for the kids.

The kids, but I'm no kid.
Quiet. Just watch.

All right, all right.
I'll take it easy.

I won't do anything else.

That's a trick?
I don't know.

This I never saw before.
It's a nothing.

Hi, my name is Shandu the Great,
but you may just call me"Great."

Today we're gonna do
some magnificent magic for you...

and for our first illusion,
a most startling illusion...

I need somebody special, I need
somebody brave, I need a princess.

How 'bout, uh, somebody,
uh, over there.

No, not you, sir.
A princess.

Um, how about- Yes.
There's a lady right over there.

The lady right there in the third
or fourth row. Right over there. Rita.

Me?
That's it. Give her a little encouragement.

How are you?
Not so good.

You're not nervous.
What are you, Chinese?

Uh, I'll tell you. We're gonna put a few
swords right through the middle of you.

It's gonna be a delight. You'll be tickled.
I'll be tickled?

You'll be tickled to death.
That's just a joke.

What did you say your name was again?
Sadie Millstein.

Stein.
Stein. S-T-E-I-N.

I got a son. He's a lawyer.
He's sitting over there.

He changed his name to"Mills."

How old are you, Sadie?
Old enough.

Old enough. - Old enough to do our Chinese box trick,
one of the greatest tricks I do? - That's a box trick?

Come on over this way, Sadie. You're gonna
see a miracle right before your very eyes.

Uh, what? It looks like a storage- -
Have you ever seen me before in your life?

No. - How do you know it's
me? - I don't even wanna.

Trust me. - I don't
even wanna. - Trust me.

I don't wanna trust you.
Very simple, Sadie. Into the box.

All you do is step into the box.
Takes a minute. Let's go.

I'm not gonna go into the box.
Are you crazy or something?

It's my trick, Sadie. Into the box.
L- Let me take this pocketbook.

No, no, no, no.
Come on.

I keep my jewellery
and my papers in the box.

Look, look.
Okay. Say goodbye, Sadie.

Down in the box, Sadie. Watch how we do it. It's gonna be a lot of fun.
She's doing great. Relax.

Jump on down.
All right, I'm jumping.

She's jumping into the box, finally.
Oh, I'm jumping.

Watch your nose, Sadie.
It's dark in here!

Here we go with the great
Chinese box illusion.

Sword, please.
Thank you so much.

Two solid steel swords, coated with
aluminum to protect the finnish.

Sword number one.

Okay, Sadie, watch your nose.

Here it comes.
One, two and three.

Ouch! Sword number two.

Sadie, heads up.
Here we come.

One, two and right through the middle.

Sword number three.

You okay in there, Sadie?

Okay, Sadie,
last one comin' down.

Deep breaths. One, two-

And now, the miracle.

No place to hide.
Nothing there. Nothing there.

Okay, Sadie, things are gonna
get better. That's one.

Two. That's three.

Here we come.

Okay, Sadie, time to come out.
One, two-

Where is she?

Where is she?

Where'd she go?
She's not in the front, is she?

Did you look on the bottom?

It's impossible.
She can't get out. There's nobody-

Where's my mother?
I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?
What are you talking about?

She vanished.

"Vanished"? What do you-
Disappeared. Vanished.

How is that possible?
I have no idea. It never happened to me before.

Did it, Rita?
No, it's, it's, it's like a miracle.

That's exactly what I thought
when it happened.

Just like a miracle.
How does this trick work?

There's a secret compartment,
but she's not in it. It's empty.

Okay, we've searched every inch
of the theatre. She's gone.

What do you mean,"She's gone"? How can she
be gone? Look what they're tellin' me here.

How is it possible
that she's gone?

Wh-Where did you get this trick? I don't
understand. Wh-Where did you buy this thing?

I got it in Pittsburgh 20 years ago.
The place is out of business now.

Maybe- Maybe it has got to do
with molecules.

What do you mean,"molecules"?
You take a little Jewish lady...

you stuff her in a box and she
disappears, and she's telling me molecules?

You know what, the theatre's not taking any responsibility for this either.
Don't worry about a thing.

Anything happens to your mother, I'll get
you two free tickets to any show we do.

Who wants tickets? What are you talking
about? - Okay, I-I-I'm gonna call the police.

No, no, I don't want any publicity
on this. It's too strange.

You know,"Attorney's mother
vanishes during magic trick."

It's bizarre.
I don't want publicity on this either.

Nobody would ever volunteer again.
Look what he's worried about.

You're worried that no one's gonna volunteer?
All right, look.

There's gotta be some kind of rational explanation
for this thing. 900 people were watching the box.

She never got out, she's not in there,
there's no trapdoors or mirrors.

Even the magician over here, he doesn't
he doesn't know how it happened.

We've got a problem here.

Mom. Did you see Mom?
What?

My mother. She's not upstairs.
We were just in her apartment.

Di- Have you spoken with her at all?

Mother.
I think I have one.

For how long do you wanna borrow it?

My moth- Did my mother
call you at all? Did mother call?

What brings you here?

Mother. I'm looking for Mother.
His mother.

Oh, oh. I think
I spoke to her this morning.

Uh-huh.
She borrowed a scarf.

She never returned it.
Hello?

Yes, I called before.
I- I called to inquire...

uh, if an elderly lady had-
had shown up, uh...

i- in missing persons or th-the morgue
or the hospital or-

Y- Yes, yes, I spoke with you.

Nothing at all?

Uh-huh. Okay.

Okay, thank you.

Sheldon, how's your mother?

Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.

Hello? Any word?

Well- Yeah, no,
I- I-I've heard nothing.

I- I put a private detective on it.

You know, I don't know, maybe she
got hit in the head with a sword...

and she's got amnesia
or something, you-

Oh, God. Right. I'll-
I'll call you back. I'll call you back.

Come on. You can't go on like this.
She'll- She'll turn up.

Jesus, it's been
three days already.

I know. I know.

You look pretty.

That was great.

You never made love to me
like that before.

And you didn't even have alcohol.

I don't know.
I just felt so loose, you know.

I- I was just relaxed completely.

I guess what I needed was-
was a release from all that tension.

I feel like a new man, you know?
I- A-At first-

When it first happened,
I was crushed with, with panic.

Then, after a week passed...

you know, it was like a great weight
has been lifted from my shoulders.

I- I-I find that I smile more easily...

and I-I- I'm more energetic at work,
you know.

And, and, and my sex life
has never been better.

I mean, Lisa says that, uh, I-I've-

she's never seen me so relaxed
and uninhibited in bed.

What do you think?

Well, obviously,
it's because she's gone, right?

I mean, what else could it be
except that she's-

she's not around any more,
and- and it's astonishing, isn't it...

how, how, how, how much,
you know, she's-

A- And nothing terrible happened.
It wasn't brutal.

No- No ugly thing happened.
She didn't die or no-

You know, she just sort of mysteriously
and peacefully vanished, you know?

You don't think that she's
gonna come back, do you?

Mr Flynn?

Oh, Mr Mills.

Look, Mr Mills, I'm really sorry to report
there's no progress on locating that missing woman.

It's okay, it's okay. Don't- I- I came
by to say that I located her myself.

I found her,
and she's back, and she-

What happened was she had,
um, like a-

sort of a mini-stroke, and she-
she didn't remember anything.

She didn't who she was,
and she was wandering around.

But she's okay now, and I-
and so I'll take care of it.

She's- You can-
You can drop the case.

Just drop the case?

Yeah. Don't- Don't find her.
Don't look for her any more.

You're sure you're okay?
Mm. I'm great.

And I've never been better.
Never been better.

Hi. - How are you today, Mr
Mills? - Good. I'm very good.

You look wonderful.
Do I? Thank you. I'll take this.

Is there anything else?
No, just-just that'll do.

Two dollars, sir.
Okay.

Okay.

Everything okay with you?
Yes, sir.

Good.
Wonderful to see you, sir.

Thank you. Thank you very much.
Hope to see you again soon.

Thank you. What is all
that confusion outside?

I don't know.
There's always noise, sir.

Oh, I never saw anything like it!

Sheldon, where have you been?
I've been looking all over for you.

I was just discussing your problem
with these nice people.

Where are you?
Do I know?

Look, Sheldon, I've had
plenty of time to think about it.

Don't get married.

Not here.
Why should you rush in?

This is not the place
to discuss it.

Where should I go?
I'm here.

You think a man his age
should get married?

They only met six months ago.

It depends.
If she's a nice girl, why not?

She's nice, but why
do they have to rush in?

He's still paying alimony.

Mother, stop!
Let them lead their own lives!

I have the same problem
with my daughter.

They grow up and they think
they have all the answers.

How old is your daughter?
Twenty-six.

You got any pictures?
Home. - Home?

I always carry Sheldon around
wherever I go.

Oh, God, this can't be happening.
See? Here he is...

I need air. I need oxygen.
two years old...

I mean, I gotta get out in the fresh air.
and I'm not ashamed to show pictures...

but my son always says,"You can't show pictures."
I need cyanide. Oh.

And isn't he a darling?
Look at him.

This is my granddaughter.
My daughter's wedding.

There's my daughter, her husband...
This is my friend!

Here I am!
and me.

He's bright. He was always bright,
and in school he was a star.

I can't believe my eyes!
What are you doing up there?

Hey, are you hungry, lady?

Hello, Dorothy?

This is Mr Mills.

I can't come in today.
Tell Mr-

Tell Mr Bates
that I'm feeling sick...

No, no, it's-

It's okay.
Sheldon's a lucky man! He's a lucky man!

It's okay.

Sadie, you want a bagel?

The woman, Mrs Sadie Millstein,
is a widow...

and the mother of Sheldon Mills, an attorney with
the New York firm of Bates, Phillips, Tunnyand Mills.

Little is know of Sheldon Mills, except for the
fact that he changed his name and was a bed-wetter.

Apparently, Mrs- - Mrs Millstein,
do you have any idea how this happened to you?

My son took me to a magic show
to meet his fianc�e's children.

Doe she need children?
Do you think Sheldon should get married?

I definitely believe
he should listen to his mother.

Oh, God, the pain!
The humiliation!

Honey, remember,
others don't see her the way you do.

That's not so.
You're rationalizing.

You know, this is a nightmare.

To be perfectly frank,
it is- it is humiliating.

Oh, I'm gonna kill that magician. I'm gonna
find that guy and I'm gonna dismember him.

You know, and then I'm gonna sue him.
To tell you the truth, it is a little embarrassing.

Oh, God. I'm gonna kill myself.
I'll kill myself.

I guess we could always move
to another state.

She'll float over.
For God's sakes, look at her.

She's the type that will float.

I'm telling you, we're gonna
have to live in the subway.

And I made him a sailor suit,
and he looked just like a doll!

God, she
Look, she's telling everybody in the city how cute I was at ten years old.

This morning she told the entire borough
of Queens that I had a hiatus hernia.

What does he need with marriage,
for goodness sakes?

And besides all that-
She's also saying things about me.

She's
At least she's your mother. You grew up with this kind of thing. I'm not used to it.

So then I said,"Sheldon...

why do you have to suck
that blanket in bed, huh?"

And he cried and he said,
"Oh, please.

Please, don't take it away."

Well, all through his childhood...

he sucked that blanket...

and drove me crazy.

It has been two week snow
since Mrs Sadie Millstein...

has been in her strange predicament...

and, typically, New Yorkers
have come to accept it...

as just another fact of life
in the city.

Look, Mrs Millstein's rights,
her civil liberties have to be protected.

She has every right to be there,
she's helped us spot crime...

and I for one would be, uh, very happy
if she continued to stay there.

Sheldon, where are you going?
Hey, there he is!

Mr Mills, we need to talk to you!
Sheldon, just one question!

Sheldon!

How long is she gonna be up there?

Sheldon!
Mr Mills, just give us one second!

Sheldon, what are you ashamed of?
They wanna ask you some questions.

Hey, Shelly boy,
how's the mama's boy?

Hey, Sheldon, how's the little boy?
Hey, Shelly!

What's the matter? Mama forgot
to tell you where to go this morning?

What are you doing?
I can't take it any more.

Well, that's no solution. -
Oh, Christ. It didn't work. - God.

I- What do you want me to do?
It's a nightmare.

Well, how do you suppose I feel, with her out
there calling me all those strange foreign names?

What's a courva, anyway?
Oh, it's Jewish.

For what?
Noth- You know, it's a whore.

Oh, great.

And the worst is that Lisa and I
keep fighting.

You know, she jumps at me,
and I snap at her all the time.

And, you know, it's just awf- I- I
gotta commit suicide. It's the only way.

Mr Millstein, uh, Mills...

I'm gonna make
an unusual suggestion...

but I feel the situation
calls for imaginative action.

Yeah?

I know a clairvoyant,
um, a psychic.

A woman who deals in the occult.

Unexplained phenomena.

Mysteries that science can't fathom.

I'm sorry.
I don't believe in that.

It may be time to begin.

Are you Treva Marx?

Come in, Sheldon.
Come in, come in.

You look terrible.

Do you want something to eat?
No, no, thank you.

Look, let me level with you.
Mm-hmm.

I don't really believe in this. I was sent
here by someone, but I'm sort of desperate.

You look so thin.
She's right.

You sure you don't want something to eat.
No, no, thank you.

I have no appetite, you know what I mean?
All right, all right, all right.

I've had a very rough couple of weeks.
Just calm down.

Come with me through here.

Try and relax.

Gee, it's a nice place you got here.
What time's the cobra come out?

If you'll excuse me for just one minute, I wanna
finnish something I started before you got here.

What are you doing?
I'm speaking with a dead friend of mine.

Well, would you rather talk privately?
'Cause I could wait in the other room.

No, no, no, no. That's not necessary.
We're not discussing anything personal.

Jeffrey, I have to go.
We'll speak again on Thursday.

But remember, you baste the bird with
the butter and the seasonings first...

and then you put it
into the oven.

Mm-hmm. Yes, that's right.

Uh-huh. Yeah, that's it.

Right. Right.
Could you call him back, because I've gotta get outta here.

Jeffrey, I really have to go.
It's business.

Look-
Oh-oom.

This is crazy. I- You know, I-I think
these kind of thing are fraudulent.

I'm- I'm really being honest with you. I- I
just don't believe in it. You know what I mean?

I'm a person who believes in science
and logic and rational thought.

Right. Meanwhile, your mother is
hovering over the Chrysler Building.

I would like to order one large pie with
pepperoni, anchovies and mushrooms...

and one regular pie
with just extra cheese.

Would you hurry up, please, 'cause I don't like
being in my mother's house when she's not here.

Yeah, right.

What is that stuff
you're spreading around?

This is crushed pig bones.
Oh, God, save me.

Oh, do you play piano?
No. Do you?

Yes, I do.

That's very, very pretty.
You must have studied.

No, no, I never studied.

I was a pianist
in a former life.

Actually, I've had
three former lives.

One was a pianist.
The second I was a ballerina.

And the third, I did all the laundry
for Genghis Khan.

It was a tough job.
The man was picky. He hated starch.

He wanted everything just soft, soft. The
river- - Out of the house. Out of the house.

Hey la la la
Hey hey la la la hey hey hey

Hey-yah hey-yah
Hey la la la hey hey

Hey, Sheldon.

Are you sure
you're dressed warm enough?

Hey, hey, Sheldon.
Don't forget to wear your muffler.

Leave him alone!
Stop picking on my son!

He's very sensitive.

Darling, are they bothering you?

Oh, this is ridiculous! I'm not gonna go through this any more!
It's a tough problem!

It's crazy! We've been doing it
for three weeks. We're going in circles!

I told you we should try
sacrificing a she-goat.

I'm not gonna kill an animal!
Well, we don't have to kill it! You won't even fondle it!

You're a fraud. I said it the first day
that I came here, and I know it.

You don't know
what the hell you're doing.

Okay.

Okay, I-I-I guess you're right.

I'm not saying that I don't appreciate
it, you're not nice or something...

but I, you know.
You're right.

Y-You know, I appreciate your giving me a
half price on this. - You don't have to pay.

What are you crying about?
She's crying? What are you crying?

I let you down!
You didn't let me down.

You know, I never expected
anything, so- - Still, I did.

You counted on me, and I failed.

How do you expect
this stupidity to work?

You know, you should move out
to California.

You know, by now, you would have
a swimming pool and your own church.

I always have hopes.

I always think that there's
more to the world than meets your eye-

hidden meanings, special mysteries.

Nothing ever works, ever!

Look, maybe you're right.
Don't get so upset.

You know, after all, my mother
is floating around up there.

But have you ever done anything
extrasensory in your life?

No, you were right
from the beginning.

I'm nothing.
It just beats being a waitress.

Is that what you were, a waitress?

Well, I wanted to be
an actress, but...

I could never find any work.

So I had to wait on tables.
It's drudgery.

Then I met some astrologer...

and, uh, he told me that there's a lot
of money to be made in psychic phenomena-

that people flock to it
because their lives are so empty.

So I tried to learn it,
I read up, I-

I guess it's like acting.
You have to be born with it.

Will you stop crying?
Relax.

I'll bet you're a wonderful actress. You know, you have a very
a particularly sweet personality.

Oh, thank you.
You know?

You- I- You're probably fine.
You know, 'cause, 'cause-

Because a thing
doesn't succeed immediately...

doesn't mean that you have to give it up right away.
My life is a bust!

Nothing I do comes out right.
Okay, relax, relax, relax.

Take it easy. Let me- Let me
buy you dinner. You'll feel better.

Let me- You know,
Lisa's coming back late tonight.

She's had- She had to work.
I'll take you to dinner.

You'll feel- You've been a- You've been terrible
all week. - No, I-I can't. Thank you very much.

Thank you anyway.
Come on. I'll take you to-

Actually, I-I probably shouldn't go out,
because my mother will see me.

Look, you- You want me
to make you dinner? Huh?

No, forget it, I-
Oh, come on, please.

Look, it's the least I can do.
Come on. Huh?

Can you cook, or, or you just stand
over the stove and chant or something?

I'll boil you some chicken.
Great. My favourite.

Boiled chicken.
It's my mother's specialty.

Of course, she manages to render the
bird completely devoid of any flavor.

It's a culinary miracle.

Have some more.
You only had a drumstick. Huh?

No, I'm full. I've eaten- - You
didn't have any potato pancakes at all.

I had two of those and I had
two, three pieces of chicken.

You still look thin to me.
No, I'm fine.

You know what? Take some of this
home with you. I'll wrap it up.

That way you won't have to leave your
apartment. I know how that embarrasses you.

Yeah, but how-
You know, how much can I eat?

It's- It's- It was very good.
It was really delicious.

This was- This was a very good idea
to, to eat in.

That was- - Yeah. - I had
a wonderful time. Really.

I mean, I- You know, you- Y- You're a terrific
storyteller. It was very- It was- You know.

I really had a nice time, and I-
I- I was very-

You know,
thank you for everything.

Mm. I had a nice time too.

So, um, I should go, right? Because
now I've- I've eaten and, and, uh-

You know, I should- I have to be home
anyhow, because it's probably-

Here. - Thank you again.
Okay. - What is this?

Here you go. This is the chicken
and just a little pancake to go.

Thank you very much. - You're
welcome. - No, really, it was-

I'm glad you stayed.
No, thank you.

A- A-As I said, I was- You know,
I had a very relaxed time, and it was-

I liked all the food,
and it was- it was wonderful.

Yeah.
You know?

So, so...
Good.

we should do this again
sometime actually, if this-

Yeah.
If, you know-

Well, I guess
you'd better go, huh?

I mean,
Lisa'll be expecting you.

Right. Right.

So, okay. So, thank you.
Okay.

So, good night. -
Good night. - Good night.

Dinner was wonderful.

You know. Oop. Sorry.

Thank you very much. That was very good.
You're welcome.

It was a nice idea to floss
between every course.

Never done that before.

Oh.

Dear Sheldon: I've taken the kids
and gone to my sister's in Vermont.

I think it's best we end things
quickly and quietly.

Lately, all we do is fight.
Maybe your mother's right.

Maybe you shouldn't
rush into anything.

Anyhow, I can't handle it any more.

It's funny. You wake up one day,
and suddenly you're out of love.

Life is odd.

All the best to you. Lisa.

Sheldon? Sheldon?
Wake up. It's morning.

Mother! Mother! Mom!

Mom! I want you to meet
my new fianc�e.

What happened to the other one?
She's gone.

Treva, you never
officially met my mother.

No. Hello!
Hi. I love your son!

Of course, he could use a little
fattening, but otherwise, he's a doll.

Uh-huh. See?
Now her I like.

Me too.
Good! Now I'll come down.

Where did she go?

I don't know.
She just disappeared.

That's funny.
Here I am.

Here, son. Here I am.

Here I am. Yoo-hoo!

Mom. - What?
Are you okay?

Am I okay? Of course.
When am I not okay?

Hello, Mrs Millstein.
I'm Treva. Nice to meet you.

Thank you, thank you.
I'm glad, I'm glad.

Oh, you picked such a lovely lady.

So, do you have any pictures
of him when he was a boy?

Do I have pictures?
Yeah.

Look. Here.
Right from the beginning.

He's six months old.
See his mouth?

Yeah, he's crying.
It was always open.

Yeah? - Always
yelling. - He looks upset.

He was a pain in the neck. -
Really? - Oh, sure, for a little thing.

When he got a little older,
well, it was a little better.

Here I am.
We were on the beach here. See?

People will talk

Especially the fools
People will talk

Oh, when there's nothing left to do

People will talk

Regardless of the rules

People will talk, talk, talk

Talk too much

Oola says that Carla says

That Connie says
that Oopa is a stooge

Jesanna says that Coffey keeps
an alligator in his swimming pool

People will talk

Especially the fools

People will talk

Oh, when there's nothing else to do

People will talk

Regardless of the rules
People will talk, talk, talk

Talk too much

Sophie says that Stacy's got psoriasis
from imitation pearls

And Moogie says the Coleman brothers
like to dress up and pretend they're girls

People will talk

Especially the fools
People will talk

When there's nothing else to do
When there's nothing left to do

People will talk
And they'll talk to you some more

Regardless of the rules

People will talk, talk, talk
Talky, talky, talk

Talk too much

We skipped the light fandango

Turned cartwheels 'cross the floor

I was feeling kind of seasick

The crowd called out for more

The room was humming harder

As the ceiling flew away

When we called out for another drink

The waiter brought a tray

And so it was that later

As the miller told his tale

That her face at first just ghostly

Turned a whiter shade of pale

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