All language subtitles for Noel Fieldings s02e05 Joey and the Whale.eng

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt-PT Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,155 --> 00:00:16,355 Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! 2 00:00:16,413 --> 00:00:19,132 Ha! It's luxury Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! 3 00:00:19,133 --> 00:00:20,732 Here it comes, here it comes 4 00:00:20,733 --> 00:00:23,452 Here it comes again, yeah! It's luxury 5 00:00:23,453 --> 00:00:27,453 Here it comes, here it comes Here it comes again, yeah 6 00:00:28,853 --> 00:00:31,212 La la la-la-la-la-la-la! 7 00:00:31,213 --> 00:00:33,852 La la la-la-la-la! 8 00:00:33,853 --> 00:00:36,812 La la la-la-la-la-la-la! 9 00:00:36,813 --> 00:00:38,880 ? La la la-la-la-la! ? 10 00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:42,411 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 11 00:00:42,812 --> 00:00:45,512 Hi. Welcome to the show. It's the last episode in the series 12 00:00:45,575 --> 00:00:47,755 so I thought, as a treat, we could all bring games in. 13 00:00:47,759 --> 00:00:49,879 You know, like the last day of school. 14 00:00:49,924 --> 00:00:53,124 Look, Noel. I have brought in this Piet Mondrian Rubik's Cube. 15 00:00:53,298 --> 00:00:55,658 Wow. That's amazing. 16 00:00:55,658 --> 00:00:58,818 And this limited edition Damien Hirst Twister mat, 17 00:00:58,819 --> 00:01:02,059 which, ironically, is exactly the same as a normal Twister mat. 18 00:01:03,739 --> 00:01:06,459 It's gonna be brilliant. There's gonna be a real party vibe. 19 00:01:06,459 --> 00:01:08,658 You know, jelly and ice cream, a celebration. 20 00:01:08,659 --> 00:01:09,819 Noel, it's for you. 21 00:01:09,878 --> 00:01:12,798 It's the head of the television channel, Greg somebody-or-other. 22 00:01:12,798 --> 00:01:15,717 Greg somebody-or-other? 23 00:01:15,718 --> 00:01:17,638 Hello? 24 00:01:17,638 --> 00:01:19,877 Right. No, yeah, yeah, I understand, yeah. 25 00:01:19,878 --> 00:01:23,317 No, yeah, yeah. OK, cool. Yeah. No, thanks for ringing. 26 00:01:23,318 --> 00:01:25,958 What did he say? Show's been cancelled. 27 00:01:28,358 --> 00:01:30,158 Why? 28 00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:33,398 I don't know. Something about the ratings not being good enough. 29 00:01:33,398 --> 00:01:34,837 What are the ratings? Nine. 30 00:01:34,838 --> 00:01:37,198 Nine? Yeah, nine. 31 00:01:37,199 --> 00:01:39,799 Apparently, "nine" is not enough in the modern climate. 32 00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,277 "Oh, you've only got nine. We're taking you off air." 33 00:01:42,278 --> 00:01:44,197 But, Noel, what will we do? 34 00:01:44,198 --> 00:01:45,717 All right, don't panic yet, Andy. 35 00:01:45,718 --> 00:01:48,517 Apparently, if we can boost the ratings from 9 to 25, 36 00:01:48,518 --> 00:01:49,717 he might reconsider. 37 00:01:49,718 --> 00:01:51,557 Those are big numbers. 38 00:01:51,558 --> 00:01:55,558 I know. Apparently, every show comes with a ratings thermometer. 39 00:01:56,038 --> 00:01:57,797 Has anyone seen one of those? 40 00:01:57,798 --> 00:02:00,557 Ah, yes, we are using ours to prop open the toilet door. 41 00:02:00,558 --> 00:02:03,197 I will go and retrieve it and wipe off the piss. 42 00:02:03,198 --> 00:02:06,157 Noel, what does it mean when a show gets axed? 43 00:02:06,158 --> 00:02:07,717 Is it just it's cancelled or is it... 44 00:02:07,718 --> 00:02:11,718 does it mean that, you know, two muscular guys with axes all sort of greased up 45 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:14,197 come in and just smash the show to bits? 46 00:02:14,198 --> 00:02:17,237 Cos, you know, if it means that, it might be worth sticking around. 47 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:20,597 You know, it sounds hot. I don't even understand how we're actually friends. 48 00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,437 Noel, I have found the thermometer, 49 00:02:22,438 --> 00:02:24,758 and, look, it appears we do have nine ratings. 50 00:02:26,118 --> 00:02:28,517 Yeah, we've got nine. It's the truth. 51 00:02:28,518 --> 00:02:30,877 It's Danny Bullet. 52 00:02:30,878 --> 00:02:33,918 Oh, that's my American agent. He's out of his mind. 53 00:02:36,078 --> 00:02:37,237 Hello? 54 00:02:37,238 --> 00:02:39,597 Ah, Noel! It's Bullet! 55 00:02:39,598 --> 00:02:42,077 How are you? How are your parents? 56 00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:44,157 Yeah? Shut up! Shut up! 57 00:02:44,158 --> 00:02:45,917 'I just got the news!' 58 00:02:45,918 --> 00:02:48,397 Yeah, it's pretty bad. 'No shit, shit-head!' 59 00:02:48,398 --> 00:02:50,117 How the hell could you let this happen? 60 00:02:50,118 --> 00:02:51,997 I don't know. 'You don't know?' 61 00:02:51,998 --> 00:02:55,437 Haven't you got a ratings thermometer? We have, but... 62 00:02:55,438 --> 00:02:58,037 it's propping open the toilet door. 'You're an idiot!' 63 00:02:58,038 --> 00:03:00,037 You Brits have no organisational skills! 64 00:03:00,038 --> 00:03:01,757 You don't take anything seriously. 65 00:03:01,758 --> 00:03:05,317 OK, look, just calm down a little bit. 'Calm down?' 66 00:03:05,318 --> 00:03:07,317 Don't tell me to calm down, Noel! 67 00:03:07,318 --> 00:03:10,157 I've been in this business for nearly three years. 68 00:03:10,158 --> 00:03:12,037 I've seen it all. 69 00:03:12,038 --> 00:03:14,197 We've got a situation here, a big situation. 70 00:03:14,198 --> 00:03:16,677 You lose this show, I lose my commission. 71 00:03:16,678 --> 00:03:19,357 'And you've got nothing else coming in. You're not prolific.' 72 00:03:19,358 --> 00:03:22,877 I'm gonna have to let you go! And I can't afford to lose another client, Noel! 73 00:03:22,878 --> 00:03:25,357 Who have you got these days? 'All I got is you, ' 74 00:03:25,358 --> 00:03:28,477 Wile E Coyote, and Didier Drogba. 75 00:03:28,478 --> 00:03:30,397 What happened to Pac-Man? 'He's gone!' 76 00:03:30,398 --> 00:03:33,157 He left me. He went to Super Mario's agent. 77 00:03:33,158 --> 00:03:35,037 Are you still going to anger management? 78 00:03:35,038 --> 00:03:38,917 No. I-I'm on a new thing now. Iron-mask therapy. 79 00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:42,638 Iron-mask therapy? What's that? 'It's all the rage in LA.' 80 00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:46,038 When you feel yourself getting the rage, you put on the mask, 81 00:03:46,038 --> 00:03:48,317 you reach down for the small ornate hammer, 82 00:03:48,318 --> 00:03:50,557 and then you just let yourself have it. 83 00:03:50,558 --> 00:03:51,798 Ring the bell! 84 00:04:02,678 --> 00:04:04,477 Yeah, have you finished? 85 00:04:04,478 --> 00:04:06,957 Yeah, I'm OK now. 86 00:04:06,958 --> 00:04:08,997 Right, good. Look, it's not over yet, OK? 87 00:04:08,998 --> 00:04:12,397 If we can boost the ratings from 9 to 25, we might still save the show. 88 00:04:12,398 --> 00:04:15,477 All right. Well, you do what you can, all right? 89 00:04:15,478 --> 00:04:16,837 'I gotta go.' 90 00:04:16,838 --> 00:04:19,117 Oh, and Noel? Yeah? 91 00:04:19,118 --> 00:04:20,398 Fix it! 92 00:04:22,678 --> 00:04:26,678 Hmm. How does one go about boosting the ratings? Anyone got any ideas? 93 00:04:27,638 --> 00:04:29,557 Ooh, I have an idea, Noel. 94 00:04:29,558 --> 00:04:33,157 What if we all phone everyone we know 95 00:04:33,158 --> 00:04:37,158 and politely ask them if they will watch the show? 96 00:04:37,798 --> 00:04:39,677 Is that it? 97 00:04:39,678 --> 00:04:42,437 Yes. 98 00:04:42,438 --> 00:04:45,718 Well, we haven't got anything else. We might as well give it a go. 99 00:04:48,118 --> 00:04:51,477 That is great. I've actually had some success. 100 00:04:51,478 --> 00:04:54,237 My nan and her best mate, Olive, are gonna watch the show. 101 00:04:54,238 --> 00:04:58,238 They've just got back from bingo and they're shit-faced. 102 00:04:58,798 --> 00:05:00,997 Dolly? Well, no-one uses phones any more 103 00:05:00,998 --> 00:05:03,037 so, I just put a message up on Sprechdeck. 104 00:05:03,038 --> 00:05:04,557 Right, so what was the response? 105 00:05:04,558 --> 00:05:08,558 Well, so far, Olive says she's gonna watch the show. 106 00:05:10,118 --> 00:05:13,757 Wait a minute. Is your friend Olive the same person as my nan's friend Olive? 107 00:05:13,758 --> 00:05:16,877 Oh, yeah, I think so. 108 00:05:16,878 --> 00:05:18,677 Noel! I've got it! 109 00:05:18,678 --> 00:05:19,957 Sex! 110 00:05:19,958 --> 00:05:22,837 It's a sure-fire way to boost the ratings! 111 00:05:22,838 --> 00:05:26,757 I'm gonna perform a pornographic scene for you right now 112 00:05:26,758 --> 00:05:29,317 to save the show! 113 00:05:29,318 --> 00:05:31,878 Cue sexy music! 114 00:05:34,078 --> 00:05:38,078 Hi! I've come to fix the washing machine! 115 00:05:39,238 --> 00:05:41,397 Maybe you can fix me after. 116 00:05:41,398 --> 00:05:45,197 What? Er... right, then. 117 00:05:45,198 --> 00:05:47,837 Er... I'll take a look at it, shall I? 118 00:05:47,838 --> 00:05:50,037 Why don't you take a look at these first? 119 00:05:50,038 --> 00:05:52,037 Help! No! 120 00:05:52,038 --> 00:05:54,157 Erm, couldn't do it. 121 00:05:54,158 --> 00:05:58,158 Too soon. Only been five years since Mrs Circles died. 122 00:06:00,518 --> 00:06:04,518 Made a right fucking show of myself. 123 00:06:04,798 --> 00:06:08,517 Don't worry, you'll still get paid. 124 00:06:08,518 --> 00:06:12,518 An all-time low for Uncle Roy. 125 00:06:13,798 --> 00:06:15,797 Well, it was a gallant attempt. 126 00:06:15,798 --> 00:06:17,677 What about a wedding? What? 127 00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:19,477 If two characters from a show get married, 128 00:06:19,478 --> 00:06:22,678 the ratings go through the roof. That's not a bad idea. 129 00:06:22,679 --> 00:06:24,278 Dolly, me and you could get married. 130 00:06:24,278 --> 00:06:26,797 Out of the question. I would never marry you. 131 00:06:26,798 --> 00:06:29,557 What, not even to save the show? Not even to save the show. 132 00:06:29,558 --> 00:06:30,757 Why? 133 00:06:30,758 --> 00:06:33,717 Well, it's... it's just not how I picture my wedding day, you know? 134 00:06:33,718 --> 00:06:35,357 How do you picture your wedding day? 135 00:06:35,358 --> 00:06:37,557 OK, so I'm standing there in this amazing dress, 136 00:06:37,558 --> 00:06:40,197 sort of rock 'n' roll, kind of traditional, maybe shorts, 137 00:06:40,198 --> 00:06:42,597 and suddenly the doors of the church are smashed open 138 00:06:42,598 --> 00:06:43,917 and there's these two guys, 139 00:06:43,918 --> 00:06:46,077 you know, all greased up, both holding axes. 140 00:06:46,078 --> 00:06:48,797 They've just come from smashing a show to pieces. 141 00:06:48,798 --> 00:06:50,477 It's so hot. 142 00:06:50,478 --> 00:06:52,597 Yeah, sounds adorable. 143 00:06:52,598 --> 00:06:55,237 Excuse me for a moment while I get this call. 144 00:06:55,238 --> 00:06:57,157 Hello? What's that, Joey? 145 00:06:57,158 --> 00:07:00,397 You've noticed that a lot of the religious American channels 146 00:07:00,398 --> 00:07:01,877 get the big ratings? Right. 147 00:07:01,878 --> 00:07:04,557 So, you wanna do one of your Plasticine adventures 148 00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:07,037 but give it a biblical twist? 149 00:07:07,038 --> 00:07:08,797 Certainly worth a try. 150 00:07:08,798 --> 00:07:12,798 All right, Joey, thanks a lot. Bye-bye, darling. 151 00:07:15,198 --> 00:07:18,597 Poor Joey Ramone loping down the high road. 152 00:07:18,598 --> 00:07:22,317 Oh, look, Joey! It's Iggy Pop, punk rock's answer to God, 153 00:07:22,318 --> 00:07:23,957 floating on a wee cloud. 154 00:07:23,958 --> 00:07:25,277 What's that, Iggy? 155 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:29,117 You want Joey to travel the world and spread the gospel of punk? 156 00:07:29,118 --> 00:07:31,797 What's that, Joey? You're not doing that? 157 00:07:31,798 --> 00:07:35,798 It's your day off and you're going to Coney Island on a boat trip instead? 158 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,117 Oh, look, Joey, it's Captain Birdbrain, 159 00:07:40,118 --> 00:07:42,277 here to welcome you aboard his vessel 160 00:07:42,278 --> 00:07:44,637 and offer you some freshly caught fish. 161 00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:47,197 What's that, Joey? You do like fish, 162 00:07:47,198 --> 00:07:50,957 but prefer it in more manageable chunks, like squares or fingers? 163 00:07:50,958 --> 00:07:54,797 What's that, Captain Birdbrain? Fishfingers is a wonderful idea, 164 00:07:54,798 --> 00:07:58,798 you're definitely going to explore that when you get a wee moment? 165 00:08:00,638 --> 00:08:01,997 Oh, dear, Iggy! 166 00:08:01,998 --> 00:08:04,237 You feel that Joey may not be taking his role 167 00:08:04,238 --> 00:08:05,877 as punk ambassador seriously, 168 00:08:05,878 --> 00:08:09,878 and it may be time to teach him a wee lesson? 169 00:08:10,238 --> 00:08:11,517 Oh, no, Joey! 170 00:08:11,518 --> 00:08:14,557 Iggy's causing a storm of the air from his whoopee cushion. 171 00:08:14,558 --> 00:08:16,197 He's going to sink the boat, 172 00:08:16,198 --> 00:08:18,677 like the real God did to Jonah in the Bible, 173 00:08:18,678 --> 00:08:21,597 which is what this story is pastiching. 174 00:08:21,598 --> 00:08:24,157 Joey, you'd better tell the Captain it's all your fault 175 00:08:24,158 --> 00:08:26,717 and ask him to jettison you overboard, 176 00:08:26,718 --> 00:08:28,277 otherwise the boat will sink. 177 00:08:28,278 --> 00:08:29,597 Oh, dear, Joey! 178 00:08:29,598 --> 00:08:33,598 It looks as though you can't swim on account of having no arms. 179 00:08:35,238 --> 00:08:38,037 But what's this? It's a punk-rock leather whale, 180 00:08:38,038 --> 00:08:39,678 about to swallow you whole. 181 00:08:43,078 --> 00:08:46,797 It's a miracle, Joey. You've been saved from a watery grave. 182 00:08:46,798 --> 00:08:49,117 You see, God didn't want to kill you. 183 00:08:49,118 --> 00:08:52,197 He was just trying to teach you a wee lesson. 184 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:55,637 Oh, Joey Ramone. Oh, Iggy Pop. 185 00:08:55,638 --> 00:08:59,077 Oh, Captain Birdbrain in his new Rolls-Royce. 186 00:08:59,078 --> 00:09:01,797 What's that, Captain? "Thanks for the fishfinger idea, 187 00:09:01,798 --> 00:09:03,157 "I'm fucking loaded now"? 188 00:09:03,158 --> 00:09:05,317 It's a funny old world. 189 00:09:05,318 --> 00:09:07,437 Looks like rain. 190 00:09:07,438 --> 00:09:11,438 Oh, no, they're fishfingers. 191 00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:20,717 I guess religion's just not as big as it used to be. 192 00:09:20,718 --> 00:09:23,717 Yeah, it has gone out a little bit. 193 00:09:23,718 --> 00:09:27,718 Psst, Noel. 194 00:09:29,198 --> 00:09:30,237 What? 195 00:09:30,238 --> 00:09:33,477 I have stolen some ratings from another TV show. 196 00:09:33,478 --> 00:09:36,437 No way! What show? 197 00:09:36,438 --> 00:09:37,557 The snooker. 198 00:09:37,558 --> 00:09:40,677 Snooker? Amazing. They get huge ratings. 199 00:09:40,678 --> 00:09:43,357 How many did you get? 200 00:09:43,358 --> 00:09:46,157 Two? Hmm. 201 00:09:46,158 --> 00:09:47,277 I did have more, 202 00:09:47,278 --> 00:09:50,717 but there seems to be a hole in the bottom of my rucksack. 203 00:09:50,718 --> 00:09:53,797 Wait a minute. That's my nan and her mate Olive. 204 00:09:53,798 --> 00:09:56,157 They're supposed to be watching our show. 205 00:09:56,158 --> 00:09:59,678 Must have switched over to the snooker. Great, we're back to where we started. 206 00:10:03,958 --> 00:10:05,798 Damn it. 207 00:10:07,718 --> 00:10:08,757 Hello? 208 00:10:08,758 --> 00:10:11,717 Yeah, it's me, Bullet. What's happening with the ratings? 209 00:10:11,718 --> 00:10:14,237 Yeah, we're still on nine. 'Jesus Christ, man!' 210 00:10:14,238 --> 00:10:16,437 It's almost the end of the first half! 'I know.' 211 00:10:16,438 --> 00:10:18,517 Can you just calm down a little bit, do you think? 212 00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:21,317 'Let me explain something to you, you walking haircut!' 213 00:10:21,318 --> 00:10:23,397 In fact, you know what? Put me on speakerphone. 214 00:10:23,398 --> 00:10:25,037 The others need to hear this as well. 215 00:10:25,038 --> 00:10:26,957 OK, you're on speakerphone now. 216 00:10:26,958 --> 00:10:29,437 'Ah, hello, morons.' 217 00:10:29,438 --> 00:10:32,597 Let me ask you a question. What do you think happens to characters 218 00:10:32,598 --> 00:10:34,837 from shows that get axed and no longer exist? 219 00:10:34,838 --> 00:10:37,597 See, there's two types of characters. 220 00:10:37,598 --> 00:10:40,197 Firstly, there are characters from successful shows. 221 00:10:40,198 --> 00:10:43,357 Columbo, Captain Kirk, Magnum, and The Littlest Hobo. 222 00:10:43,358 --> 00:10:46,117 These characters are sent to a five-star resort, 223 00:10:46,118 --> 00:10:48,797 where they see out their days sipping cocktails, 224 00:10:48,798 --> 00:10:50,077 treated like royalty. 225 00:10:50,078 --> 00:10:51,517 Sounds cool. 226 00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,997 'Then there are characters from less successful shows.' 227 00:10:53,998 --> 00:10:55,357 Ha-ha! Hey! That's you guys. 228 00:10:55,358 --> 00:10:58,917 Now, you know what happens to these characters? 229 00:10:58,918 --> 00:11:00,317 Get taken to a Travelodge? 230 00:11:00,318 --> 00:11:03,557 They get put in storage. Right, that doesn't sound too bad. 231 00:11:03,558 --> 00:11:05,238 And then they get incinerated...! 232 00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:10,397 ..to make space for other characters from other unsuccessful shows, 233 00:11:10,398 --> 00:11:14,198 and it goes on, and on, and on, and that's how television works! 234 00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:18,718 Oh, great! 235 00:11:42,529 --> 00:11:45,208 OK, Mr O'Sullivan, let me get this straight. 236 00:11:45,209 --> 00:11:47,128 This is very amusing. 237 00:11:47,129 --> 00:11:50,009 You claim you were playing snooker on television 238 00:11:50,009 --> 00:11:53,648 when a guy matching the description of the pop artist Andy Warhol 239 00:11:53,649 --> 00:11:55,168 waltzed into the studio, 240 00:11:55,169 --> 00:11:57,689 helping himself to some of your ratings. 241 00:11:57,690 --> 00:12:01,209 You then say you followed him all the way back here 242 00:12:01,209 --> 00:12:02,648 to Painted Hawaii, 243 00:12:02,649 --> 00:12:05,528 where you claim he now resides, working in a coffee shop, 244 00:12:05,529 --> 00:12:07,248 wiping down the surfaces 245 00:12:07,249 --> 00:12:11,208 and serving the public hot cappuccinos. 246 00:12:11,209 --> 00:12:14,128 Yeah, I... I suppose, when you... when you put it like that, 247 00:12:14,129 --> 00:12:16,288 it does sound a bit far-fetched, don't it? 248 00:12:16,289 --> 00:12:18,688 Get out, O'Sullivan! Get out! 249 00:12:18,689 --> 00:12:22,088 I've had enough of this sort of stuff from you snooker players! 250 00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:24,608 I'm gonna give you a warning for wasting police time, 251 00:12:24,609 --> 00:12:27,848 but next time it'll be the electric chair, OK? 252 00:12:27,849 --> 00:12:29,928 And send in Alain Robidoux! 253 00:12:29,929 --> 00:12:32,248 He's been using the Mayor's parking space again! 254 00:12:32,249 --> 00:12:36,249 As for Willie Thorne, we know he's Banksy. We do know he's Banksy! 255 00:12:42,169 --> 00:12:45,168 Hello? 'Hey, it's Bullet.' 256 00:12:45,169 --> 00:12:47,648 Yeah, I'm on a plane. I'm coming over. 257 00:12:47,649 --> 00:12:49,248 Really? 'Yeah.' 258 00:12:49,249 --> 00:12:53,249 Didier Drogba lent me his private jet. 259 00:12:53,969 --> 00:12:55,448 Listen, Noel. 260 00:12:55,449 --> 00:12:58,408 I'm bringing someone with me, someone who can save the show. 261 00:12:58,409 --> 00:12:59,968 Wow. Who? 262 00:12:59,969 --> 00:13:03,128 I can't tell you. It's a surprise. But don't worry about it. 263 00:13:03,129 --> 00:13:05,569 'I'm taking care of everything.' Yeah, but the thing... 264 00:13:10,129 --> 00:13:13,168 What are you wearing? It's for our wedding. 265 00:13:13,169 --> 00:13:15,808 Our wedding? Yeah, we're getting married. 266 00:13:15,809 --> 00:13:18,528 We're not getting married. You turned me down. 267 00:13:18,529 --> 00:13:20,968 Yeah, but, you know, that was before. 268 00:13:20,969 --> 00:13:24,288 Before what? Before you realised you were gonna get incinerated? 269 00:13:24,289 --> 00:13:26,608 No, but, you know, Noel, I've been thinking 270 00:13:26,609 --> 00:13:28,968 and I... I feel like we could be a great couple. 271 00:13:28,969 --> 00:13:31,248 You know, like Rudi Voller and Jurgen Klinsmann? 272 00:13:31,249 --> 00:13:33,688 What about the big, greased-up, rock men with axes? 273 00:13:33,689 --> 00:13:36,408 That was just a fantasy. No, I wanna marry you, Noel. 274 00:13:36,409 --> 00:13:39,328 I just feel like the bonds of trust have been broken a bit now. 275 00:13:39,329 --> 00:13:42,248 Well, the bonds of trust were broken quite a long time ago, Noel. 276 00:13:42,249 --> 00:13:45,248 What's that supposed to mean? Well, you know, when we were going out, 277 00:13:45,249 --> 00:13:47,008 and you kept asking me to do that thing. 278 00:13:47,009 --> 00:13:49,088 Yeah, can we not talk about this now? 279 00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:52,489 Yep. OK. 280 00:13:54,929 --> 00:13:56,808 What are you guys up to? 281 00:13:56,809 --> 00:13:59,488 We are writing an Australian soap opera. 282 00:13:59,489 --> 00:14:02,728 They get massive ratings. Great idea. How's it going? 283 00:14:02,729 --> 00:14:05,649 Mm, we are still fleshing out the main characters. 284 00:14:11,209 --> 00:14:12,448 Hello? 285 00:14:12,449 --> 00:14:16,168 All right, Noel? I heard yous was getting incinerated. 286 00:14:16,169 --> 00:14:17,488 Hur-hur ha-ha-ha! 287 00:14:17,489 --> 00:14:18,848 Yeah. All the characters are, 288 00:14:18,849 --> 00:14:20,888 actually, including you. Sorry about that. 289 00:14:20,889 --> 00:14:23,808 Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. Really? 290 00:14:23,809 --> 00:14:27,008 Well, you know the guys who's coming down to collect everyone 291 00:14:27,009 --> 00:14:30,648 for incineration? Yeah? Well, they work for me. 292 00:14:30,649 --> 00:14:33,968 Really? 'Yeah. That's why I wanted to talk to you, Noel,' 293 00:14:33,969 --> 00:14:37,288 cos you've been quite a good tenant to me over the years, 294 00:14:37,289 --> 00:14:39,848 so I wanted to do you a little favour. 295 00:14:39,849 --> 00:14:42,128 Right. 'You see, the thing is,' 296 00:14:42,129 --> 00:14:45,049 I might be able to get you out of this. There's a loophole. 297 00:14:45,049 --> 00:14:46,368 A loophole? 298 00:14:46,369 --> 00:14:50,369 'Well, technically, you ain't a character cos you play yourself.' 299 00:14:50,609 --> 00:14:53,288 That's the crux of the loophole right there. 300 00:14:53,289 --> 00:14:56,248 Right. 'Yeah, so I could get you out of it.' 301 00:14:56,249 --> 00:14:59,288 That's a kind offer, but, you know, what about the other characters? 302 00:14:59,289 --> 00:15:01,528 I can't leave them here to be incinerated. 303 00:15:01,529 --> 00:15:03,088 How would I ever live with myself? 304 00:15:03,089 --> 00:15:06,928 Well, that's your own therapeutics. I don't give a shit about that. 305 00:15:06,929 --> 00:15:09,768 Basically, you ain't got long to make a decision 306 00:15:09,769 --> 00:15:12,088 cos the removal men'll be there soon. 307 00:15:12,089 --> 00:15:14,088 All right, cheers, Peter. 308 00:15:14,089 --> 00:15:16,849 Batty crease. 309 00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:26,169 All right, Tony? No, I'm not all right, actually. 310 00:15:26,169 --> 00:15:28,488 There's a rather nasty rumour flying around that 311 00:15:28,489 --> 00:15:31,528 all the characters are going to be put in storage and then incinerated. 312 00:15:31,529 --> 00:15:34,728 Yeah, that's true, I'm afraid. Sorry about that. 313 00:15:34,729 --> 00:15:36,928 Great. I told you, Tone. 314 00:15:36,929 --> 00:15:39,808 Yeah, look, I've got a bit of a dilemma, actually. 315 00:15:39,809 --> 00:15:43,328 Technically, I don't play a character, I play myself, so I could get out of this. 316 00:15:43,329 --> 00:15:45,248 But, you know, I feel bad for everyone else. 317 00:15:45,249 --> 00:15:49,048 I mean, you guys are like family to me. I just don't know what to do. 318 00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:53,049 Well, Noel, you've got a very big decision to make. 319 00:15:53,089 --> 00:15:56,488 Basically, you've got to choose between freedom and your friends. 320 00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:59,648 I think we both know what the right decision to make is. 321 00:15:59,649 --> 00:16:01,968 Yeah, you're right. I mean, course I should go. 322 00:16:01,969 --> 00:16:04,128 You can get friends anywhere, can't you? 323 00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,769 Ha-ha! Right, guys, see you later. 324 00:16:08,369 --> 00:16:11,488 That's not what I meant at all. 325 00:16:11,489 --> 00:16:15,489 Let him go, Tone. The guy's a piece of shit. 326 00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:22,769 What a great idea! Bringing back a dead character, it's genius. 327 00:16:23,209 --> 00:16:25,848 It's like when they brought back Bobby in Dallas. 328 00:16:25,849 --> 00:16:27,408 Ratings went through the roof. 329 00:16:27,409 --> 00:16:31,088 And you died in the first series, right? So, no-one's expecting you to come back. 330 00:16:31,089 --> 00:16:35,089 It's all bleedin' coming together, innit? All bleedin' coming together! 331 00:16:35,409 --> 00:16:38,088 I love that. All bleedin' coming together. 332 00:16:38,089 --> 00:16:39,808 Hey, listen to me. 333 00:16:39,809 --> 00:16:42,128 After we save the show, you sign to me, yeah? 334 00:16:42,129 --> 00:16:44,088 I'll put you in the motion pictures. 335 00:16:44,089 --> 00:16:48,089 Motion pictures? Give you anything you want. 336 00:16:49,369 --> 00:16:51,408 Can I have some more peanuts? 337 00:16:51,409 --> 00:16:53,328 I'll get you anything you want. Hey! 338 00:16:53,329 --> 00:16:56,088 Stewardess! How about some more peanuts over here? 339 00:16:56,089 --> 00:16:57,488 This guy's a star! 340 00:16:57,489 --> 00:17:00,368 Sir, he's already had 14 packets. 14 packets! 341 00:17:00,369 --> 00:17:02,808 Who are you? The peanut patrol? Make it 15! 342 00:17:02,809 --> 00:17:04,008 Dry-roasted. 343 00:17:04,009 --> 00:17:06,048 And tell that pilot to hurry his ass up! 344 00:17:06,049 --> 00:17:08,328 I'm sure he's going as fast as he can, sir. 345 00:17:08,329 --> 00:17:10,328 Yeah? Well, tell him to go faster! 346 00:17:10,329 --> 00:17:13,288 We got a ratings situation over in Painted Hawaii. 347 00:17:13,289 --> 00:17:16,168 Oh, look, the peanuts. 348 00:17:16,169 --> 00:17:18,848 Oh! Look at John! 349 00:17:18,849 --> 00:17:20,368 Hello, John! 350 00:17:20,369 --> 00:17:23,608 Get right down there with Gordon and Steven. 351 00:17:23,609 --> 00:17:25,848 Oh, John, he's had a fall. 352 00:17:25,849 --> 00:17:29,008 Where are we going? We're gonna save the show. 353 00:17:29,009 --> 00:17:32,208 We're all en-sort-of-capsulated 354 00:17:32,209 --> 00:17:36,089 in a sort of onyx casket, travelling through the air molecules. 355 00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,208 What do you think that means? 356 00:17:38,209 --> 00:17:42,128 In the house, in the mouth. In the house, in the mouth. 357 00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:45,448 All bleedin' coming together, innit? 358 00:17:45,449 --> 00:17:49,449 You're a goddamn star. 359 00:17:55,809 --> 00:17:59,809 What's this? 360 00:17:59,969 --> 00:18:02,928 It's... It's from Noel. 361 00:18:02,929 --> 00:18:06,929 "Dear guys, due to a loophole, I've managed to avoid incineration. 362 00:18:08,089 --> 00:18:11,168 "Unfortunately, I can't take you with me, 363 00:18:11,169 --> 00:18:13,128 "so you're all still gonna die." 364 00:18:13,129 --> 00:18:17,129 "No hard feelings. Noel." With a stupid little picture. 365 00:18:18,769 --> 00:18:21,328 I cannot believe Noel would betray us like that. 366 00:18:21,329 --> 00:18:24,568 I can't believe we are still gonna be incinerated. 367 00:18:24,569 --> 00:18:26,328 We are actually gonna die! 368 00:18:26,329 --> 00:18:28,888 Maybe we have one last chance. 369 00:18:28,889 --> 00:18:32,649 Our Australian soap opera. Bammo! 370 00:18:38,609 --> 00:18:40,529 Mum, can I go surfing? 371 00:18:40,529 --> 00:18:43,288 No, you can't go surfing. You haven't finished your homework. 372 00:18:43,289 --> 00:18:45,768 In fact, you haven't done your homework for three months! 373 00:18:45,769 --> 00:18:47,728 Do you think your HSC's a joke? 374 00:18:47,729 --> 00:18:51,729 No. I don't think it's a joke. I just wanna go surfing. 375 00:18:51,809 --> 00:18:53,048 And you, young Sean, 376 00:18:53,049 --> 00:18:56,688 turn the bloody telly off! You're gonna get square eyes! 377 00:18:56,689 --> 00:18:59,208 Oh, Mum! Dad lets me watch telly whenever I like. 378 00:18:59,209 --> 00:19:01,128 Yeah, well, Dad's not here, is he? 379 00:19:01,129 --> 00:19:03,008 He's flaming left us, the mongrel! 380 00:19:03,009 --> 00:19:05,088 Just one sign of trouble and he's gone! 381 00:19:05,089 --> 00:19:07,688 It's your fault Dad left us in the first place. 382 00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:10,968 Who has been putting such stupid ideas into your head? 383 00:19:10,969 --> 00:19:14,208 Brad. 384 00:19:14,209 --> 00:19:17,768 Bradley? Would you like to explain yourself? 385 00:19:17,769 --> 00:19:19,608 Well, Mum, if you'd have married Dad 386 00:19:19,609 --> 00:19:22,288 when he firstly asked you, first off, firstly, 387 00:19:22,289 --> 00:19:25,568 then maybe he wouldn't have run off. 388 00:19:25,569 --> 00:19:29,488 You know what, guyses, it's a lot more complicated than you realise 389 00:19:29,489 --> 00:19:33,489 and when you two grow up, I think you'll understand that. 390 00:19:41,969 --> 00:19:43,248 Mum, it's Dad. 391 00:19:43,249 --> 00:19:46,448 Bloody ute broke down again. Henry, you came back. 392 00:19:46,449 --> 00:19:49,328 Of course I came back, Peggy. I couldn't leave you and the boys. 393 00:19:49,329 --> 00:19:52,488 Plus, as I said, bloody ute broke down. Ha-ha! 394 00:19:52,489 --> 00:19:54,048 Dad, can I go surfing? 395 00:19:54,049 --> 00:19:55,648 Course you can. Yes! 396 00:19:55,649 --> 00:19:58,328 Can I watch TV? Get stuck in, young Seano. 397 00:19:58,329 --> 00:20:00,208 Henry... There she is, Peggy. 398 00:20:00,209 --> 00:20:03,928 Still as beautiful as the day I met you. Well, almost. 399 00:20:03,929 --> 00:20:05,688 Great to see you, Dad. 400 00:20:05,689 --> 00:20:09,689 Great to see you lot. You're my family and I love you. 401 00:20:13,769 --> 00:20:16,009 OK, what's for dinner? 402 00:20:18,689 --> 00:20:20,808 I knew you'd come back, Noel. I couldn't do it. 403 00:20:20,809 --> 00:20:23,728 I couldn't leave you guys. You're like a family to me, you know. 404 00:20:23,729 --> 00:20:25,768 Great soap opera, though. 405 00:20:25,769 --> 00:20:27,448 Right, we're here to smash the show up, 406 00:20:27,449 --> 00:20:30,649 but, before we do that, we're gonna pick some characters up for storage. 407 00:20:36,049 --> 00:20:38,688 Come on, man! This is taking for ever! Right, I'm gonna have to 408 00:20:38,689 --> 00:20:41,249 ask you to return to your seat cos you're not actually allowed 409 00:20:41,250 --> 00:20:44,009 in the cockpit. What does this button do? Please don't touch that! 410 00:20:44,009 --> 00:20:47,288 Christ! And can you ask the lion to get out of here 411 00:20:47,289 --> 00:20:49,888 cos he's dropping peanuts into the navigational system! 412 00:20:49,889 --> 00:20:53,889 Come on, man! Let me drive for a bit! We're all travelling in the air pockets! 413 00:20:54,569 --> 00:20:56,449 Tablets! 414 00:21:01,409 --> 00:21:03,648 In you go. 415 00:21:03,649 --> 00:21:07,289 Oh, my God! That plane is gonna crash into the island! 416 00:21:11,889 --> 00:21:13,808 I think that's my agent. 417 00:21:13,809 --> 00:21:15,569 That's Didier Drogba's plane, isn't it? 418 00:21:15,570 --> 00:21:19,169 Yeah, yeah. My agent looks after Didier Drogba, borrows his plane. 419 00:21:19,169 --> 00:21:21,248 Yeah. 420 00:21:21,249 --> 00:21:23,408 I've been on it, actually. Not when it's flying. 421 00:21:23,409 --> 00:21:27,409 But, you know, I've sat in it, in the main chair. Pretty good. 422 00:21:40,969 --> 00:21:44,969 Looks like we're the only survivors. 423 00:21:47,369 --> 00:21:49,849 Maybe we SHOULD get married. 424 00:21:49,849 --> 00:21:53,408 We could always kiss, you know, for old times' sake. 425 00:21:53,409 --> 00:21:57,409 Could do. Go out on a high. 426 00:21:58,609 --> 00:22:02,609 Or if you really wanna go out on a high... 427 00:22:03,009 --> 00:22:06,209 ..I could do that thing you always wanted. 428 00:22:06,209 --> 00:22:07,968 Wow. Really? 429 00:22:07,969 --> 00:22:10,968 Might be easier in water. 430 00:22:10,969 --> 00:22:14,488 All right, I'll close my eyes. 431 00:22:14,489 --> 00:22:18,489 Oh, my God. Don't worry about that. It's just a birthmark. Work round it. 432 00:22:19,489 --> 00:22:21,408 Some people say it looks like Harrison Ford. 433 00:22:21,409 --> 00:22:22,768 No, it's Joey Ramone! 434 00:22:22,769 --> 00:22:25,809 No, it's definitely Harrison Ford. I saw it with a couple of mirrors. 435 00:22:40,649 --> 00:22:44,128 I can't believe you all survived. I thought everyone was dead. 436 00:22:44,129 --> 00:22:47,888 Not only that, we smashed the ratings. Turns out everyone loves a disaster. 437 00:22:47,889 --> 00:22:51,368 Thus, I can confirm that the show hasn't been cancelled. 438 00:22:51,369 --> 00:22:53,248 Aren't you Pinocchio? 439 00:22:53,249 --> 00:22:57,249 No. I'm Greg somebody-or-other. I work at the TV channel. 440 00:23:01,169 --> 00:23:04,808 It's all bleedin' coming together, innit? 441 00:23:04,809 --> 00:23:06,088 Two, three, four! 442 00:23:06,089 --> 00:23:10,089 It's all bleedin' coming together! 443 00:23:10,329 --> 00:23:14,329 It seems it's gonna be all right 444 00:23:15,049 --> 00:23:19,049 And we'll be holding hands and singing for ever! 445 00:23:20,729 --> 00:23:24,729 And we'll be dancing till the morning light! 446 00:23:26,529 --> 00:23:30,529 People of the world, come with me Flying through the sky 447 00:23:32,329 --> 00:23:35,008 People of the world, come with me 448 00:23:35,009 --> 00:23:37,208 ? Flying through the sky... ? Through the sky! 449 00:23:37,209 --> 00:23:41,209 People of the world, come with me Flying through the sky 450 00:23:42,409 --> 00:23:44,688 ? People of the world... ? 451 00:23:44,689 --> 00:23:48,328 Come on, everyone! All together now! 452 00:23:48,329 --> 00:23:50,328 Two! Three! Four! 453 00:23:50,329 --> 00:23:54,329 It's all bleedin' coming together! 454 00:23:55,169 --> 00:23:58,568 ? It seems it's gonna be all right... ? 455 00:23:58,569 --> 00:24:00,048 Of course it is! 456 00:24:00,049 --> 00:24:03,928 ? And we'll be holding hands and singing for ever... ? 457 00:24:03,929 --> 00:24:05,768 Holding hands! 458 00:24:05,769 --> 00:24:09,769 ? And we'll be dancing till the morning light! ? 459 00:24:13,169 --> 00:24:17,169 Ha-ha! I told you, it's all bleedin' coming together, innit? 460 00:24:20,809 --> 00:24:23,448 And so they all lived happily ever 461 00:24:23,449 --> 00:24:25,369 after inside the belly of a whale. 462 00:24:25,369 --> 00:24:27,408 Ye-e-e-s. 463 00:24:27,409 --> 00:24:29,929 Or did they? 464 00:24:29,929 --> 00:24:33,609 Well, whether they did or they didn't, can you two just get out of my bath? 465 00:24:33,610 --> 00:24:35,768 My wife's gonna be back in a minute! 466 00:24:35,769 --> 00:24:38,769 Plus I don't even know who the hell you are! Get out! 467 00:24:38,827 --> 00:24:45,720 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 468 00:24:45,770 --> 00:24:50,320 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 38035

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.