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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:16,365 Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! 2 00:00:16,393 --> 00:00:19,113 Ha! It's luxury Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! 3 00:00:19,113 --> 00:00:20,713 Here it comes, here it comes 4 00:00:20,714 --> 00:00:23,432 Here it comes again, yeah! It's luxury 5 00:00:23,433 --> 00:00:27,433 Here it comes, here it comes Here it comes again, yeah 6 00:00:28,833 --> 00:00:31,193 La la la-la-la-la-la-la! 7 00:00:31,193 --> 00:00:33,832 La la la-la-la-la! 8 00:00:33,833 --> 00:00:36,792 La la la-la-la-la-la-la! 9 00:00:36,793 --> 00:00:38,642 ? La la la-la-la-la! ? 10 00:00:38,667 --> 00:00:40,667 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 11 00:00:44,677 --> 00:00:46,657 Guys, sorry I'm late. 12 00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:50,671 I was just at the pet shop, picking up this little guy. 13 00:00:50,711 --> 00:00:52,710 Check this out. 14 00:00:52,711 --> 00:00:54,851 Oh, what's that? 15 00:00:54,917 --> 00:00:57,836 It's a geometric box fish. I thought he'd brighten the place up, 16 00:00:57,837 --> 00:00:59,457 give the customers something to look at. 17 00:00:59,477 --> 00:01:02,076 Noel, what is a geometric box fish? 18 00:01:02,077 --> 00:01:03,556 Well, the guy in the pet shop said 19 00:01:03,557 --> 00:01:05,557 he was part salamander, part Rubik's Cube. 20 00:01:05,557 --> 00:01:08,276 He's like a little tasty hybrid. 21 00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:11,076 Fucking useless. What you fucking looking at? 22 00:01:11,077 --> 00:01:12,676 What you three looking at? 23 00:01:12,677 --> 00:01:14,356 Wow, he's terrifying. 24 00:01:14,357 --> 00:01:16,836 Yeah, well, the move's probably upset him a little bit. 25 00:01:16,837 --> 00:01:19,876 I'm gonna fuck you up this time! Come on! 26 00:01:19,877 --> 00:01:22,397 He's got a mouth on him, ain't he? Look, I'll come clean. 27 00:01:22,397 --> 00:01:26,397 I got him a little bit cheap cos he's got a few issues. 28 00:01:27,557 --> 00:01:31,557 Aah! Eurgh! Eurgh! 29 00:01:32,917 --> 00:01:35,796 Yeah, that's the problem. Basically, he's a pyromaniac. 30 00:01:35,797 --> 00:01:38,436 I mean, he took part in the aquatic riots. 31 00:01:38,437 --> 00:01:40,596 He set fire to a whole coral reef. 32 00:01:40,597 --> 00:01:42,476 Oh, my God, Noel! Yes. 33 00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:44,556 And then him and a gang of his mates 34 00:01:44,557 --> 00:01:47,156 beat the shit out of an elderly starfish. 35 00:01:47,157 --> 00:01:50,236 Golly. A real-life psychopath in the coffee shop! 36 00:01:50,237 --> 00:01:51,996 How exciting! 37 00:01:51,997 --> 00:01:55,236 Not a psychopath, Andy, you know? Comes from a broken home. 38 00:01:55,237 --> 00:01:57,756 His dad's not in the picture, his mum can't cope with him. 39 00:01:57,757 --> 00:02:00,796 Maybe we could rehabilitate him with some art therapy. 40 00:02:00,797 --> 00:02:02,796 He could get to know and love himself 41 00:02:02,797 --> 00:02:05,036 with life drawing and self-portraits. 42 00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:08,916 That's beautiful, Andy. But you don't wanna change him too much with therapy. 43 00:02:08,917 --> 00:02:12,436 I mean, look at him. He's brutal, he's urban, he's honest, 44 00:02:12,437 --> 00:02:14,796 he's direct. I think he's quite sexy. 45 00:02:14,797 --> 00:02:17,836 He's like an underwater Marlon Brando. 46 00:02:17,837 --> 00:02:20,156 The other thing is, I thought he'd be a smashing topic 47 00:02:20,157 --> 00:02:21,316 for this week's episode. 48 00:02:21,317 --> 00:02:24,797 Imagine it! Luxury Comedy tackles disaffected youth. 49 00:02:24,797 --> 00:02:26,396 ? Wah, wah, wah! ? 50 00:02:26,397 --> 00:02:27,796 It's not Panorama. 51 00:02:27,797 --> 00:02:30,276 I thought the whole point of this show was to avoid reality 52 00:02:30,277 --> 00:02:31,836 and only deal with pure fantasy. 53 00:02:31,837 --> 00:02:34,796 Yeah, well, a little bit of social commentary never hurt anyone. 54 00:02:34,797 --> 00:02:37,716 Imagine it, fantasy used as a metaphor for social commentary. 55 00:02:37,717 --> 00:02:40,436 It's never been done. Yeah, there's a reason for that. 56 00:02:40,437 --> 00:02:43,276 And anyway, it's too late. This week's episode is about cool. 57 00:02:43,277 --> 00:02:46,116 An episode about cool? How's that gonna work? No, it'll be great. 58 00:02:46,117 --> 00:02:49,276 We'll sit around and discuss who's cool, who's not. It's a great topic. 59 00:02:49,277 --> 00:02:50,916 What about disaffected youth? 60 00:02:50,917 --> 00:02:53,196 Oh, come on, Noel. You never let me choose 61 00:02:53,197 --> 00:02:55,196 what the episode's gonna be about. 62 00:02:55,197 --> 00:02:57,236 All right, explain it to me. How's it gonna work? 63 00:02:57,237 --> 00:02:58,956 OK, well, I thought, to start off, 64 00:02:58,957 --> 00:03:01,036 we could discuss who's cool in this room. 65 00:03:01,037 --> 00:03:02,916 OK, well, we all know you're cool, don't we? 66 00:03:02,917 --> 00:03:05,876 Well, I suppose, yeah. I'm from Berlin. I design my own jewellery. 67 00:03:05,877 --> 00:03:08,476 I run an underground magazine about the Zeitgeist. 68 00:03:08,477 --> 00:03:11,956 What about Smooth? Well, of course he's cool. Look at him. 69 00:03:11,957 --> 00:03:15,356 Yeah, I've always been cool. Even the name Smooth is a subset of cool. 70 00:03:15,357 --> 00:03:18,476 Oh! Oh! What about me, Noel? Am I cool? 71 00:03:18,477 --> 00:03:20,636 Do me next, Noel! Am I cool? I'm cool, yeah? 72 00:03:20,637 --> 00:03:22,516 That can't be cool, surely? 73 00:03:22,517 --> 00:03:25,356 Yeah, but he's Andy Warhol, you know? So, he has a green card. 74 00:03:25,357 --> 00:03:28,476 However he behaves, he will always be seen as cool. 75 00:03:28,477 --> 00:03:31,036 OK. Well, then, that's it. Is that the end of the episode? 76 00:03:31,037 --> 00:03:34,876 You're cool, Smooth's cool, Andy's cool. I mean, I'm cool. 77 00:03:34,877 --> 00:03:37,276 Hm. What do you mean, "hm?" What's that? 78 00:03:37,277 --> 00:03:40,756 "Hm?" No, nothing. Nothing. Well, it is something. 79 00:03:40,757 --> 00:03:43,596 People don't go, "Hm," in the middle of other people's sentences. 80 00:03:43,597 --> 00:03:46,676 OK, I just think that you are borderline. 81 00:03:46,677 --> 00:03:47,996 Borderline. 82 00:03:47,997 --> 00:03:50,556 She's got a point. Yes. 83 00:03:50,557 --> 00:03:53,036 You are definitely straddling the border. 84 00:03:53,037 --> 00:03:55,796 I'm not straddling the border. 85 00:03:55,797 --> 00:03:58,596 I see what's going on here, three-pronged attack. 86 00:03:58,597 --> 00:04:00,796 I'm cool. I'm definitely cool. 87 00:04:00,797 --> 00:04:03,876 See these guys? Just these, the Parisian Electro Rock Band? 88 00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:06,356 Well, they said in the interview that they like my show. 89 00:04:06,357 --> 00:04:08,076 Yeah, they are super cool. 90 00:04:08,077 --> 00:04:09,397 Exactly. 91 00:04:10,677 --> 00:04:12,796 Yeah, but that doesn't make YOU cool. 92 00:04:12,797 --> 00:04:16,797 What? No, Noel. That is a popular misconception, you know? 93 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:19,756 I mean, Steve McQueen likes Antiques Roadshow, 94 00:04:19,757 --> 00:04:21,636 but that doesn't make Steve McQueen cool. 95 00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:23,236 Are you out of your mind? 96 00:04:23,237 --> 00:04:26,436 The thing about cool is, you know, it's how you enter a room. 97 00:04:26,437 --> 00:04:28,437 Take Smooth, for example. Smooth! 98 00:04:42,037 --> 00:04:43,396 Yeah, all right, that was cool. 99 00:04:43,397 --> 00:04:45,996 But, I mean, anyone would look cool coming into that music? 100 00:04:45,997 --> 00:04:48,356 It's cool music. And who was playing that, anyway? 101 00:04:48,357 --> 00:04:50,876 No-one, it's just the music that you conjure up in your head 102 00:04:50,877 --> 00:04:52,396 when Smooth enters a room. 103 00:04:52,397 --> 00:04:56,397 Really? What sort of music do people conjure up when I enter a room? 104 00:04:56,517 --> 00:04:59,036 I don't know. Why don't you go out and give it a go? 105 00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:03,037 Yeah, all right. I'm not scared. 106 00:05:04,597 --> 00:05:05,917 OK, I'm ready. 107 00:05:20,037 --> 00:05:23,556 Oh, my God, what was that?! What was that supposed to be? 108 00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:24,996 That was your entrance music. 109 00:05:24,997 --> 00:05:27,196 That's what people hear when you enter a room. 110 00:05:27,197 --> 00:05:29,356 So every time I go to a party and I walk into a room, 111 00:05:29,357 --> 00:05:30,796 that's what people are seeing? 112 00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:34,076 Every time I walk over to a girl on a park bench to chat her up, 113 00:05:34,077 --> 00:05:36,596 that's what she's seeing? I'm afraid so, yeah. 114 00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:40,116 This is a nightmare. I thought I was cool. I'm a living plum. 115 00:05:40,117 --> 00:05:41,676 Ohh... 116 00:05:41,677 --> 00:05:45,677 Noel, look. Like I said before, you are... you are borderline. 117 00:05:46,157 --> 00:05:47,556 I'm not borderline, am I? 118 00:05:47,557 --> 00:05:51,557 I've gone a few degrees beyond borderline. I'm in the next country! 119 00:05:51,837 --> 00:05:55,036 Well, I know. Look, there's a slim chance you're still cool 120 00:05:55,037 --> 00:05:58,196 so why don't you just go to the cool clinic and get yourself tested? 121 00:05:58,197 --> 00:06:00,316 Tested? Yeah, get a cool test. 122 00:06:00,317 --> 00:06:02,196 A cool test? What's a cool test? 123 00:06:02,197 --> 00:06:04,476 Just go, get a cool test and if you're positive, 124 00:06:04,477 --> 00:06:06,276 you don't have to worry about it again, 125 00:06:06,277 --> 00:06:09,477 they give you a certificate, and, you know. 126 00:06:35,317 --> 00:06:36,756 All right, Doo Rag? 127 00:06:36,757 --> 00:06:39,076 What can I do for you today, Noel? 128 00:06:39,077 --> 00:06:41,156 Well, I've actually come for a cool test. 129 00:06:41,157 --> 00:06:43,436 You sure you wanna know? 130 00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:47,437 Course I'm sure. What's that supposed to mean? 131 00:06:47,917 --> 00:06:51,917 Urinate on this. 132 00:06:52,637 --> 00:06:54,916 What? Here, now? In front of you? 133 00:06:54,917 --> 00:06:57,076 Don't worry, I'm a professional. 134 00:06:57,077 --> 00:07:01,077 I'll look away. 135 00:07:22,437 --> 00:07:26,437 Oh, my. That's a negative. 136 00:07:35,877 --> 00:07:38,156 I mean, I'm not cool. It's official now, yeah? 137 00:07:38,157 --> 00:07:41,036 But in a funny kind of way, I feel a sense of relief. 138 00:07:41,037 --> 00:07:42,516 It's like the weight's just... 139 00:07:42,517 --> 00:07:44,636 ..off my shoulders, you know? 140 00:07:44,637 --> 00:07:45,676 Yeah, I mean, all right, 141 00:07:45,677 --> 00:07:48,236 you're cool, you're cool, you're cool, and I'm not cool, 142 00:07:48,237 --> 00:07:51,156 but we can still gel as a group, can't we, hm? 143 00:07:51,157 --> 00:07:53,116 I mean, I'm not cool. Does it matter? 144 00:07:53,117 --> 00:07:55,636 No-one's ever died of not being cool. 145 00:07:55,637 --> 00:07:58,036 Yeah, that's all absolutely fascinating, Noel, 146 00:07:58,037 --> 00:08:02,037 but, shh, I've got some Skype call coming in from a weird number. 147 00:08:02,517 --> 00:08:06,517 Oh, my God! 148 00:08:07,797 --> 00:08:09,636 'We are the Cucumbers of Cool. 149 00:08:09,637 --> 00:08:11,876 'We've been scouring the galaxy 150 00:08:11,877 --> 00:08:15,076 searching for and destroying anyone uncool! 151 00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:17,276 'We have been alerted to the fact 152 00:08:17,277 --> 00:08:20,276 'that someone in your vicinity is NOT cool!' 153 00:08:20,277 --> 00:08:22,716 No, we're all cool here. 154 00:08:22,717 --> 00:08:26,717 We're all cool, but thanks for, er, stopping by. Bye! 155 00:08:26,877 --> 00:08:29,996 'It is you, Noel, who is uncool.' 156 00:08:29,997 --> 00:08:32,117 How do you know? 157 00:08:32,117 --> 00:08:33,797 'We've been watching the show.' 158 00:08:33,798 --> 00:08:36,836 Really? These guys watch the show. 159 00:08:36,837 --> 00:08:38,716 'Initially we were not interested, ' 160 00:08:38,717 --> 00:08:42,717 as a TV guide said it was about disaffected youth. 161 00:08:42,797 --> 00:08:46,156 We have no interest in disaffected youth! Fuck, no! 162 00:08:46,157 --> 00:08:49,276 'However, when the show became about cool, ' 163 00:08:49,277 --> 00:08:53,277 we became very interested, very interested indeed! 164 00:08:54,237 --> 00:08:57,716 Yeah, well, it's great that you were interested. Er... who are you? 165 00:08:57,717 --> 00:09:00,916 'I've told you! We're the Cucumbers of Cool! 166 00:09:00,917 --> 00:09:04,036 'Have you heard the expression "cool as a cucumber"?' 167 00:09:04,037 --> 00:09:05,356 Yeah, obviously. 168 00:09:05,357 --> 00:09:08,716 'We are the living embodiment of that expression! 169 00:09:08,717 --> 00:09:11,396 'Francis, read from the sacred text. 170 00:09:11,397 --> 00:09:14,796 '"Pert as a pear-monger I'd be If Molly were but kind 171 00:09:14,797 --> 00:09:18,716 '"Cool as a cucumber could see The rest of womankind." 172 00:09:18,717 --> 00:09:22,556 - 'John Gay. - 1685 to 1732! 173 00:09:22,557 --> 00:09:26,156 'You have been found to be uncool. If you are uncool 174 00:09:26,157 --> 00:09:29,436 'by the time we arrive on your planet, you will be destroyed! 175 00:09:29,437 --> 00:09:32,956 'You have until the end of the episode to become cool! 176 00:09:32,957 --> 00:09:35,236 'If we arrive and you are still uncool, 177 00:09:35,237 --> 00:09:38,036 'you will be destroyed by the... the machine! 178 00:09:38,037 --> 00:09:41,636 The machine! The machine! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Hee-hee-hee-hee! 179 00:09:41,637 --> 00:09:43,916 'We will now show the power of the machine 180 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,996 'by destroying this ancient dummy. 181 00:09:45,997 --> 00:09:49,836 'Fire! 182 00:09:49,837 --> 00:09:53,196 'The dummy has been destroyed!' 183 00:09:53,197 --> 00:09:55,956 Yeah. Turn the screen around so they can see. 184 00:09:55,957 --> 00:09:59,957 I hate you! Yeah, yeah, yeah. 185 00:10:01,677 --> 00:10:04,596 Oh, my God. Ooh. 186 00:10:04,597 --> 00:10:08,596 'Next time, it will be you who is destroyed, not the dummy. 187 00:10:08,597 --> 00:10:09,716 'Do you understand?' 188 00:10:09,717 --> 00:10:11,076 Yeah, I get it. 189 00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:15,077 'I... I think he understands. 190 00:10:15,597 --> 00:10:19,396 'Very well. Goodbye. Enjoy the rest of your day.' 191 00:10:19,397 --> 00:10:21,396 Yeah, probably not gonna now, though, am I? 192 00:10:21,397 --> 00:10:23,996 'Oh, I thought you were one of those guys 193 00:10:23,997 --> 00:10:26,556 'who could kinda shut things off emotionally.' 194 00:10:26,557 --> 00:10:29,837 Unfortunately, I'm not. I mean, I always wished I was, but... 195 00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:33,437 Oh. OK. Goodbye. 196 00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,200 How am I going to get cool? 197 00:10:45,287 --> 00:10:47,606 Maybe I could kill myself. 198 00:10:47,607 --> 00:10:50,047 I've noticed that quite a lot of cool people die young. 199 00:10:50,047 --> 00:10:52,326 Jimi Hendrix. John Belushi. 200 00:10:52,327 --> 00:10:55,247 Yeah, but, Noel, if you kill yourself, you'll still be dead. 201 00:10:55,247 --> 00:10:56,927 Oh, yeah. Hm. 202 00:10:56,927 --> 00:10:59,007 Plus, Noel, you are too old to die young. 203 00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:01,766 Thanks. Hm. OK. 204 00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:05,086 I am off to play conkers with my friend Yoko Ono. 205 00:11:05,087 --> 00:11:07,607 Oh, she's pretty cool. Maybe I could ask her what her secret is. 206 00:11:07,632 --> 00:11:09,366 That's a great idea, Andy. Brilliant. Mm. 207 00:11:09,367 --> 00:11:13,367 I love Yoko Ono. Oh, Andy! Andy! Andy! When you talk to Yoko about 208 00:11:14,687 --> 00:11:16,766 your uncool friend, can you not mention my name? 209 00:11:16,767 --> 00:11:18,086 OK. 210 00:11:18,087 --> 00:11:21,006 Brilliant. 211 00:11:21,007 --> 00:11:23,767 I've got it. Joey Ramone. 212 00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,206 Joey Ramone! Of course. He's cool. 213 00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:28,567 Yeah, he knows everything there is to know about being cool. 214 00:11:28,592 --> 00:11:30,766 Plus, he's in The Ramones and he's Plasticine. 215 00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:33,446 Ha-ha! OK, call him, then. 216 00:11:33,447 --> 00:11:36,206 Well, why don't you ring him? Well, I can't call him, can I? 217 00:11:36,207 --> 00:11:38,367 He's not going to answer the phone to me. I'm not cool. 218 00:11:38,392 --> 00:11:39,846 Yeah. That's true. 219 00:11:39,847 --> 00:11:41,287 Plus, you get on with him, don't you? 220 00:11:41,312 --> 00:11:43,326 Yeah, really well. Yeah, we used to go out. 221 00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:45,366 Really? It was great. 222 00:11:45,367 --> 00:11:47,447 I mean, we had such a... such a spiritual connection. 223 00:11:47,448 --> 00:11:50,967 I mean, he said I was a little physical at times, you know, but we got on amazingly. 224 00:11:50,968 --> 00:11:54,486 Oh, can you just ring him and we'll talk about that another time, 225 00:11:54,487 --> 00:11:56,926 maybe in 170 years when we're both dead? 226 00:11:56,927 --> 00:11:58,767 God. 227 00:12:01,447 --> 00:12:04,046 Hello, Joey. How are you? 228 00:12:04,047 --> 00:12:05,766 Ha-ha! Oh, that's great. 229 00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:09,767 Listen, I was wondering if I could bring my friend Noel to visit. 230 00:12:10,127 --> 00:12:13,406 Noel! 231 00:12:13,407 --> 00:12:15,126 Noel! 232 00:12:15,127 --> 00:12:17,927 He works in the coffee shop. Yeah, that's him. 233 00:12:17,927 --> 00:12:21,927 Yeah, unfortunately, he just got back from the cool clinic and he tested negative. 234 00:12:24,087 --> 00:12:27,686 Oh, come on, Joey! He's a friend! 235 00:12:27,687 --> 00:12:28,886 Joey! 236 00:12:28,887 --> 00:12:31,166 Oh, Joey, please! 237 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,247 Joey? Joey, are you still there? 238 00:12:34,247 --> 00:12:37,006 Well, we're going to come over! 239 00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:38,926 What did he say? 240 00:12:38,927 --> 00:12:40,647 Yeah, he said he will be very happy to help. 241 00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:44,672 Oh, great. So, let's go. 242 00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:48,847 OK. 243 00:12:51,927 --> 00:12:52,966 Damn it! 244 00:12:52,967 --> 00:12:55,926 OK, Yoko. 245 00:12:55,927 --> 00:12:58,006 Good luck beating this one. 246 00:12:58,007 --> 00:13:00,566 It's a 59er. 247 00:13:00,567 --> 00:13:04,567 Lichtenstein tried to do stampsies on this and his ankle shattered like a meringue. 248 00:13:06,407 --> 00:13:10,407 Hm. 249 00:13:11,087 --> 00:13:12,127 Damn it! 250 00:13:14,887 --> 00:13:18,887 Damn it! 251 00:13:19,167 --> 00:13:22,126 Have you been using vinegar again? Huh? 252 00:13:22,127 --> 00:13:26,127 Huh? Have you? 253 00:13:32,807 --> 00:13:35,766 Hm, OK. 254 00:13:35,767 --> 00:13:37,806 Ooh, before I go, I almost forgot. 255 00:13:37,807 --> 00:13:41,807 Er... my friend Noel, er... I mean, Big Claire, has a problem. 256 00:13:42,127 --> 00:13:45,766 She is not cool and she, er... Big Claire, not Noel, 257 00:13:45,767 --> 00:13:48,006 needs to get cool before the end of the episode. 258 00:13:48,007 --> 00:13:52,007 Do you think you can help? 259 00:13:53,687 --> 00:13:55,486 Oh, wow! 260 00:13:55,487 --> 00:13:59,486 A big egg. How novel! But what does it mean? 261 00:13:59,487 --> 00:14:03,487 In my opinion, the coolest state for a human being is before they are born. 262 00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:08,526 This egg represents that period. 263 00:14:08,527 --> 00:14:12,287 Yoko, that's beautiful. 264 00:14:17,407 --> 00:14:19,526 Andy! 265 00:14:19,527 --> 00:14:21,566 It's me, Lou! 266 00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:23,686 It's Lou Reed! 267 00:14:23,687 --> 00:14:27,086 Let me out of here, man! 268 00:14:27,087 --> 00:14:29,566 I don't like it! 269 00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:31,726 I don't like it, Andy! 270 00:14:31,727 --> 00:14:35,606 Andy! 271 00:14:35,607 --> 00:14:37,366 Plus, I've had a bit of a clear-out, 272 00:14:37,367 --> 00:14:40,246 and if you took that off my hands, you'd be doing me a massive favour. 273 00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:43,166 OK, thanks, Yoko. See you Thursday for crazy golf. 274 00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:47,167 Hm. 275 00:14:48,607 --> 00:14:51,806 OK, so we have entered the Plasticine part of the island. 276 00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:53,766 All right. But make sure no entering any rooms. 277 00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:55,046 OK, Noel? Why? 278 00:14:55,047 --> 00:14:58,566 Well, I don't want Joey to see, like, your entrance package, you know? 279 00:14:58,567 --> 00:14:59,606 All right. 280 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:02,287 And also I think it's best if you don't speak. 281 00:15:02,287 --> 00:15:06,287 All right, so don't enter any rooms and don't speak. No, you know, just be nonchalant. 282 00:15:06,288 --> 00:15:07,766 Nonchalant? What does that mean? 283 00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:11,767 Well, you know, like you're not really listening. You're just sort of cool. 284 00:15:12,207 --> 00:15:13,847 No, no, no. Noel, Noel, don't do that, OK? 285 00:15:13,872 --> 00:15:15,366 No? No. 286 00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:18,566 Like be... you know, be sulky. 287 00:15:18,567 --> 00:15:22,366 Noel, and the most important, please do not say that we ever went out, OK? 288 00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:25,206 All right. I mean, I'm not allowed to speak so how am I going to? 289 00:15:25,207 --> 00:15:26,246 Yeah. 290 00:15:26,247 --> 00:15:30,247 OK, let's do it. OK. 291 00:15:33,447 --> 00:15:37,286 Poor Joey Ramone, standing under a palm tree. 292 00:15:37,287 --> 00:15:41,287 Hello, Joey. Looks like you've got some visitors. 293 00:15:43,927 --> 00:15:47,927 It's your cool friend, Dolly, and her uncool friend, Noel. 294 00:15:48,367 --> 00:15:50,406 Hello, Dolly. Hello, Noel. 295 00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:51,846 What's that, Dolly? 296 00:15:51,847 --> 00:15:55,847 You've got till the end of the show to make your friend Noel cool? 297 00:15:56,127 --> 00:15:59,286 And you'd like Joey to help? 298 00:15:59,287 --> 00:16:00,646 What's that, Joey? 299 00:16:00,647 --> 00:16:02,846 Even though trying to help someone as uncool as Noel 300 00:16:02,847 --> 00:16:04,646 might damage your street cred, 301 00:16:04,647 --> 00:16:07,886 you're willing to give it a go? 302 00:16:07,887 --> 00:16:10,206 You'll take Noel and Dolly to the cool market 303 00:16:10,207 --> 00:16:14,207 and get Noel some sunglasses, a new haircut and a leather jacket? 304 00:16:16,007 --> 00:16:18,406 Oh, look, it's Alison and Jamie from The Kills, 305 00:16:18,407 --> 00:16:22,407 arguably the coolest Anglo-American duo since Dempsey And Makepeace. 306 00:16:22,687 --> 00:16:24,206 What's that, Alison? 307 00:16:24,207 --> 00:16:27,526 You think Noel needs a new pair of pink shades that he should never take off, 308 00:16:27,527 --> 00:16:31,527 even if it's at night-time and even if his mum's calling him in for his tea? 309 00:16:33,207 --> 00:16:37,207 Good idea. 310 00:16:41,007 --> 00:16:42,126 Oh, look, everyone. 311 00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:46,127 It's Slash, from the famous rock band Velvet Revolver. 312 00:16:46,447 --> 00:16:49,246 What's that, Slash? You think Noel needs a brand-new haircut, 313 00:16:49,247 --> 00:16:53,247 possibly a perm? 314 00:16:57,927 --> 00:17:01,166 Oh, dear, Slash! You seem to have left the chemicals on for too long, 315 00:17:01,167 --> 00:17:03,966 leaving Noel with a Bobby Ball-type perm. 316 00:17:03,967 --> 00:17:07,967 Better hide all the mirrors. 317 00:17:12,367 --> 00:17:16,367 What's that, Dolly? Where's the leather jacket that Joey promised Noel? 318 00:17:17,567 --> 00:17:19,046 What's that, Joey? 319 00:17:19,047 --> 00:17:21,286 The only leather jacket you've got is your own, 320 00:17:21,287 --> 00:17:25,086 and there's no flipping way anyone's having that? 321 00:17:25,087 --> 00:17:29,087 What's that, Dolly? Stop being a dick and hand over the jacket? 322 00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:35,967 Oh, dear, Joey! Dolly seems to be bashing your brains in. 323 00:17:36,567 --> 00:17:40,567 What's that, Noel? This is all a bit violent for your liking? 324 00:17:42,327 --> 00:17:45,926 I'm not sure this behaviour can be classified as cool in any way. 325 00:17:45,927 --> 00:17:49,927 Poor Joey Ramone, lying on the floor in a crumpled heap. 326 00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:54,527 Poor Dolly, mugging Joey of his favourite jacket. 327 00:17:54,727 --> 00:17:57,806 Poor Noel, trying desperately to become cool 328 00:17:57,807 --> 00:18:01,807 and avoid certain death from a race of alien cucumbers. 329 00:18:01,927 --> 00:18:04,926 Better get going before the Plasticine police arrive. 330 00:18:04,927 --> 00:18:07,446 Meh-moh, meh-moh, meh-moh, meh-moh! 331 00:18:07,447 --> 00:18:10,127 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! 332 00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:24,567 Negative. 333 00:18:27,647 --> 00:18:29,126 I mean, really? Negative. 334 00:18:29,127 --> 00:18:31,246 Really? I mean, really? Negative. Negative. 335 00:18:31,247 --> 00:18:33,206 Really? Really? Negative. Negative. 336 00:18:33,207 --> 00:18:34,286 I mean really? Negative. 337 00:18:34,287 --> 00:18:36,166 Really? Really? Negative. Negative. 338 00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:37,206 Really? Negative. 339 00:18:37,207 --> 00:18:39,046 Really? Really? Negative. Negative. 340 00:18:39,047 --> 00:18:40,086 OK. 341 00:18:40,087 --> 00:18:41,206 Really? Positive. 342 00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:42,286 Positive? Negative. 343 00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,007 Yep. 344 00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:51,566 This is all your fault. You know that, don't you? I mean, 345 00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:54,646 I wanted to make an episode about disaffected youth. Now look at me. 346 00:18:54,647 --> 00:18:58,647 It's not my fault you can't be made cool. Thanks. 347 00:19:02,647 --> 00:19:06,647 We are here for the uncool. Francis, read out the execution list. 348 00:19:10,087 --> 00:19:12,406 Noel. 349 00:19:12,407 --> 00:19:16,407 You must now be destroyed by the machine! 350 00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:19,926 The machine! The machine! 351 00:19:19,927 --> 00:19:22,286 The machine! 352 00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:24,846 Can I just say, er... it's not cool, what you're doing? 353 00:19:24,847 --> 00:19:28,766 You know that, don't you? 354 00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:29,846 What do you mean? 355 00:19:29,847 --> 00:19:31,806 Well, you can't just swan around the planet, 356 00:19:31,807 --> 00:19:34,406 executing people simply cos they're not cool. 357 00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:36,206 That's not cool in itself. 358 00:19:36,207 --> 00:19:39,206 Well, it must be, because we are cool. 359 00:19:39,207 --> 00:19:42,366 We are cool as cucumbers! Heh-heh! 360 00:19:42,367 --> 00:19:46,367 Well, you say that, but have you ever been tested? 361 00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:49,246 Tested? What do you mean, tested? 362 00:19:49,247 --> 00:19:52,407 Well, you go and take a cool test and then they give you a certificate. 363 00:19:56,687 --> 00:19:58,406 Right, green boys. 364 00:19:58,407 --> 00:20:02,126 Time to put your money where your mouth is. 365 00:20:02,127 --> 00:20:03,886 Urinate on this. 366 00:20:03,887 --> 00:20:06,246 What, in front of everyone? 367 00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:08,486 Don't worry, we're all professionals. 368 00:20:08,487 --> 00:20:12,487 We'll look away. 369 00:20:28,047 --> 00:20:32,047 Ahem! 370 00:20:32,247 --> 00:20:36,166 Oh, my! It's a negative. 371 00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:39,486 It can't be. We are cool as cucumbers. 372 00:20:39,487 --> 00:20:43,487 Well, it just goes to show, you can't base the society on a simile. 373 00:20:44,727 --> 00:20:47,366 You have humiliated us! 374 00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:50,366 No-one must know what went on here today! 375 00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:53,126 You will all be destroyed by the machine! 376 00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:55,526 The machine! The machine! 377 00:20:55,527 --> 00:20:58,806 The machine! The machine! The machine! 378 00:20:58,807 --> 00:21:01,406 All right, if you could all just sort of bunch together 379 00:21:01,407 --> 00:21:02,886 with the short ones in the front. 380 00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:04,086 That's nice, yeah. 381 00:21:04,087 --> 00:21:06,406 Aah! Aah! Aah! 382 00:21:06,407 --> 00:21:08,407 How could you destroy the machine? Oh, the machine! 383 00:21:08,432 --> 00:21:12,432 Yes, that's not helping. You're literally fanning the flames. 384 00:21:13,487 --> 00:21:16,566 We have been humiliated twice now! 385 00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:19,686 There is nothing further for us to do! 386 00:21:19,687 --> 00:21:23,687 We must now go back to our planet and tell them that we are uncool! 387 00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:26,206 There will be a period of reflection 388 00:21:26,207 --> 00:21:28,926 and then we will kill ourselves en masse. 389 00:21:28,927 --> 00:21:30,846 Hey, come on. It's not that bad. 390 00:21:30,847 --> 00:21:33,046 It is that bad, Noel! 391 00:21:33,047 --> 00:21:35,126 It's not that bad. I mean, look at me. 392 00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,406 I've spent the whole episode trying to be cool. 393 00:21:37,407 --> 00:21:39,646 I've got a perm and a big egg. 394 00:21:39,647 --> 00:21:42,006 I mean, I'm sick of the whole concept. 395 00:21:42,007 --> 00:21:45,086 I mean, what is cool? What's the point of it? 396 00:21:45,087 --> 00:21:47,406 I sometimes wonder myself. 397 00:21:47,407 --> 00:21:50,526 There's also the bigger picture to consider. 398 00:21:50,527 --> 00:21:53,526 Our society is crumbling. 399 00:21:53,527 --> 00:21:54,646 That's right, Francis. 400 00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:57,366 No-one wants to do a proper job any more. 401 00:21:57,367 --> 00:22:01,367 Everyone wants to be a fashion designer, or a DJ, or a stylist. 402 00:22:05,887 --> 00:22:09,246 I myself always wanted to be a baker. 403 00:22:09,247 --> 00:22:10,846 Well, everyone needs bread. 404 00:22:10,847 --> 00:22:12,886 And I always wanted to be a teacher. 405 00:22:12,887 --> 00:22:14,566 Everyone needs knowledge. 406 00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:17,526 I always wanted to be a snooker referee. 407 00:22:17,527 --> 00:22:20,206 Well, whatever you wanna be, that's all fine. 408 00:22:20,207 --> 00:22:22,766 It's great. You can be whoever you are. 409 00:22:22,767 --> 00:22:26,767 Noel, you have unburdened us from the cycle of cool. 410 00:22:27,487 --> 00:22:31,006 From the what? Cycles of cool. 411 00:22:31,007 --> 00:22:32,046 Right. 412 00:22:32,047 --> 00:22:36,047 We will never forget what you did for us today. Bye. 413 00:22:40,047 --> 00:22:41,126 What's this? 414 00:22:41,127 --> 00:22:45,127 Don't you see? You don't care any more. You're finally cool. 415 00:22:45,527 --> 00:22:49,047 Ha-ha-ha! I'm cool! I'm cool! 416 00:22:49,047 --> 00:22:51,246 I'm cool, living like a dolphin 417 00:22:51,247 --> 00:22:53,406 Living like a dolphin in the pipeline 418 00:22:53,407 --> 00:22:55,326 Cool, cool, got myself cool 419 00:22:55,327 --> 00:22:57,846 Cool, cool, got myself cool 420 00:22:57,847 --> 00:23:01,847 I'm going to have to take that back. 421 00:23:03,247 --> 00:23:05,166 I was cool, though, for a few seconds, wasn't I? 422 00:23:05,167 --> 00:23:08,326 Ha-ha! You saw it. I was definitely cool. Ha-ha-ha! 423 00:23:08,327 --> 00:23:10,447 Ha! For a few seconds! 424 00:23:13,847 --> 00:23:17,847 If you think about it, geometric box fish actually saved the day. 425 00:23:17,927 --> 00:23:21,686 I mean, who'd have thought it? Disaffected youth coming to the rescue. 426 00:23:21,687 --> 00:23:23,646 Mm. Yeah, where is he? 427 00:23:23,647 --> 00:23:26,126 I took him back to the pet shop. He was getting on my nerves. 428 00:23:26,127 --> 00:23:29,246 Noel? Noel, the cucumbers are back. 429 00:23:29,247 --> 00:23:31,606 They seem to be beaming something down. 430 00:23:31,607 --> 00:23:32,926 Really? 431 00:23:32,927 --> 00:23:36,927 Oh, yeah. 432 00:23:44,727 --> 00:23:48,727 Oh, great! 433 00:23:55,367 --> 00:23:59,087 Great. So, now I'm going to be remembered for eternity as Noel, 434 00:23:59,088 --> 00:24:00,326 the King of Uncool. 435 00:24:00,327 --> 00:24:02,006 Ha-ha! Oh, my God! 436 00:24:02,007 --> 00:24:05,766 My name's Noel and I'm uncool for all eternity! Ha-ha-ha! 437 00:24:05,767 --> 00:24:07,567 I mean, that's a really long time, you know? 438 00:24:07,567 --> 00:24:09,447 Meh-moh, meh-moh, meh-moh, meh-moh! 439 00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:13,447 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello! 440 00:24:14,327 --> 00:24:17,287 But, officer, I was just borrowing Joey's leather jacket. 441 00:24:17,288 --> 00:24:20,606 I...I didn't mean to punch him repeatedly in the face. It was an accident. 442 00:24:20,607 --> 00:24:21,926 Noel, tell him! Ha-ha-ha! 443 00:24:21,927 --> 00:24:23,327 Careful with her in the van. 444 00:24:23,327 --> 00:24:25,087 She can get quite physical! 445 00:24:29,190 --> 00:24:50,230 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru. 446 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:54,830 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 35327

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