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1
00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:16,365
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
2
00:00:16,393 --> 00:00:19,113
Ha! It's luxury
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
3
00:00:19,113 --> 00:00:20,713
Here it comes,
here it comes
4
00:00:20,714 --> 00:00:23,432
Here it comes again, yeah!
It's luxury
5
00:00:23,433 --> 00:00:27,433
Here it comes, here it comes
Here it comes again, yeah
6
00:00:28,833 --> 00:00:31,193
La la la-la-la-la-la-la!
7
00:00:31,193 --> 00:00:33,832
La la la-la-la-la!
8
00:00:33,833 --> 00:00:36,792
La la la-la-la-la-la-la!
9
00:00:36,793 --> 00:00:38,642
? La la la-la-la-la! ?
10
00:00:38,667 --> 00:00:40,667
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
11
00:00:44,677 --> 00:00:46,657
Guys, sorry I'm late.
12
00:00:46,671 --> 00:00:50,671
I was just at the pet shop,
picking up this little guy.
13
00:00:50,711 --> 00:00:52,710
Check this out.
14
00:00:52,711 --> 00:00:54,851
Oh, what's that?
15
00:00:54,917 --> 00:00:57,836
It's a geometric box fish.
I thought he'd brighten the place up,
16
00:00:57,837 --> 00:00:59,457
give the customers something
to look at.
17
00:00:59,477 --> 00:01:02,076
Noel, what is a geometric box fish?
18
00:01:02,077 --> 00:01:03,556
Well, the guy in the pet shop said
19
00:01:03,557 --> 00:01:05,557
he was part salamander,
part Rubik's Cube.
20
00:01:05,557 --> 00:01:08,276
He's like a little tasty hybrid.
21
00:01:08,277 --> 00:01:11,076
Fucking useless.
What you fucking looking at?
22
00:01:11,077 --> 00:01:12,676
What you three looking at?
23
00:01:12,677 --> 00:01:14,356
Wow, he's terrifying.
24
00:01:14,357 --> 00:01:16,836
Yeah, well, the move's
probably upset him a little bit.
25
00:01:16,837 --> 00:01:19,876
I'm gonna fuck you up this time!
Come on!
26
00:01:19,877 --> 00:01:22,397
He's got a mouth on him, ain't he?
Look, I'll come clean.
27
00:01:22,397 --> 00:01:26,397
I got him a little bit cheap
cos he's got a few issues.
28
00:01:27,557 --> 00:01:31,557
Aah! Eurgh! Eurgh!
29
00:01:32,917 --> 00:01:35,796
Yeah, that's the problem.
Basically, he's a pyromaniac.
30
00:01:35,797 --> 00:01:38,436
I mean, he took part
in the aquatic riots.
31
00:01:38,437 --> 00:01:40,596
He set fire to a whole coral reef.
32
00:01:40,597 --> 00:01:42,476
Oh, my God, Noel! Yes.
33
00:01:42,477 --> 00:01:44,556
And then him and a gang of his mates
34
00:01:44,557 --> 00:01:47,156
beat the shit out of
an elderly starfish.
35
00:01:47,157 --> 00:01:50,236
Golly. A real-life psychopath
in the coffee shop!
36
00:01:50,237 --> 00:01:51,996
How exciting!
37
00:01:51,997 --> 00:01:55,236
Not a psychopath, Andy, you know?
Comes from a broken home.
38
00:01:55,237 --> 00:01:57,756
His dad's not in the picture,
his mum can't cope with him.
39
00:01:57,757 --> 00:02:00,796
Maybe we could rehabilitate him
with some art therapy.
40
00:02:00,797 --> 00:02:02,796
He could get to know
and love himself
41
00:02:02,797 --> 00:02:05,036
with life drawing
and self-portraits.
42
00:02:05,037 --> 00:02:08,916
That's beautiful, Andy. But you don't wanna
change him too much with therapy.
43
00:02:08,917 --> 00:02:12,436
I mean, look at him. He's brutal,
he's urban, he's honest,
44
00:02:12,437 --> 00:02:14,796
he's direct.
I think he's quite sexy.
45
00:02:14,797 --> 00:02:17,836
He's like an underwater
Marlon Brando.
46
00:02:17,837 --> 00:02:20,156
The other thing is,
I thought he'd be a smashing topic
47
00:02:20,157 --> 00:02:21,316
for this week's episode.
48
00:02:21,317 --> 00:02:24,797
Imagine it! Luxury Comedy
tackles disaffected youth.
49
00:02:24,797 --> 00:02:26,396
? Wah, wah, wah! ?
50
00:02:26,397 --> 00:02:27,796
It's not Panorama.
51
00:02:27,797 --> 00:02:30,276
I thought the whole point of
this show was to avoid reality
52
00:02:30,277 --> 00:02:31,836
and only deal with pure fantasy.
53
00:02:31,837 --> 00:02:34,796
Yeah, well, a little bit of social
commentary never hurt anyone.
54
00:02:34,797 --> 00:02:37,716
Imagine it, fantasy used as
a metaphor for social commentary.
55
00:02:37,717 --> 00:02:40,436
It's never been done.
Yeah, there's a reason for that.
56
00:02:40,437 --> 00:02:43,276
And anyway, it's too late.
This week's episode is about cool.
57
00:02:43,277 --> 00:02:46,116
An episode about cool? How's that
gonna work? No, it'll be great.
58
00:02:46,117 --> 00:02:49,276
We'll sit around and discuss who's
cool, who's not. It's a great topic.
59
00:02:49,277 --> 00:02:50,916
What about disaffected youth?
60
00:02:50,917 --> 00:02:53,196
Oh, come on, Noel.
You never let me choose
61
00:02:53,197 --> 00:02:55,196
what the episode's gonna be about.
62
00:02:55,197 --> 00:02:57,236
All right, explain it to me.
How's it gonna work?
63
00:02:57,237 --> 00:02:58,956
OK, well, I thought, to start off,
64
00:02:58,957 --> 00:03:01,036
we could discuss who's cool
in this room.
65
00:03:01,037 --> 00:03:02,916
OK, well, we all know you're cool,
don't we?
66
00:03:02,917 --> 00:03:05,876
Well, I suppose, yeah. I'm from
Berlin. I design my own jewellery.
67
00:03:05,877 --> 00:03:08,476
I run an underground magazine
about the Zeitgeist.
68
00:03:08,477 --> 00:03:11,956
What about Smooth? Well, of course
he's cool. Look at him.
69
00:03:11,957 --> 00:03:15,356
Yeah, I've always been cool. Even
the name Smooth is a subset of cool.
70
00:03:15,357 --> 00:03:18,476
Oh! Oh! What about me, Noel?
Am I cool?
71
00:03:18,477 --> 00:03:20,636
Do me next, Noel!
Am I cool? I'm cool, yeah?
72
00:03:20,637 --> 00:03:22,516
That can't be cool, surely?
73
00:03:22,517 --> 00:03:25,356
Yeah, but he's Andy Warhol,
you know? So, he has a green card.
74
00:03:25,357 --> 00:03:28,476
However he behaves,
he will always be seen as cool.
75
00:03:28,477 --> 00:03:31,036
OK. Well, then, that's it.
Is that the end of the episode?
76
00:03:31,037 --> 00:03:34,876
You're cool, Smooth's cool,
Andy's cool. I mean, I'm cool.
77
00:03:34,877 --> 00:03:37,276
Hm. What do you mean, "hm?"
What's that?
78
00:03:37,277 --> 00:03:40,756
"Hm?" No, nothing. Nothing.
Well, it is something.
79
00:03:40,757 --> 00:03:43,596
People don't go, "Hm," in the
middle of other people's sentences.
80
00:03:43,597 --> 00:03:46,676
OK, I just think that
you are borderline.
81
00:03:46,677 --> 00:03:47,996
Borderline.
82
00:03:47,997 --> 00:03:50,556
She's got a point. Yes.
83
00:03:50,557 --> 00:03:53,036
You are definitely
straddling the border.
84
00:03:53,037 --> 00:03:55,796
I'm not straddling the border.
85
00:03:55,797 --> 00:03:58,596
I see what's going on here,
three-pronged attack.
86
00:03:58,597 --> 00:04:00,796
I'm cool. I'm definitely cool.
87
00:04:00,797 --> 00:04:03,876
See these guys? Just these,
the Parisian Electro Rock Band?
88
00:04:03,877 --> 00:04:06,356
Well, they said in the interview
that they like my show.
89
00:04:06,357 --> 00:04:08,076
Yeah, they are super cool.
90
00:04:08,077 --> 00:04:09,397
Exactly.
91
00:04:10,677 --> 00:04:12,796
Yeah, but that doesn't make
YOU cool.
92
00:04:12,797 --> 00:04:16,797
What? No, Noel. That is a popular
misconception, you know?
93
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:19,756
I mean, Steve McQueen
likes Antiques Roadshow,
94
00:04:19,757 --> 00:04:21,636
but that doesn't make
Steve McQueen cool.
95
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:23,236
Are you out of your mind?
96
00:04:23,237 --> 00:04:26,436
The thing about cool is, you know,
it's how you enter a room.
97
00:04:26,437 --> 00:04:28,437
Take Smooth, for example. Smooth!
98
00:04:42,037 --> 00:04:43,396
Yeah, all right, that was cool.
99
00:04:43,397 --> 00:04:45,996
But, I mean, anyone would look cool
coming into that music?
100
00:04:45,997 --> 00:04:48,356
It's cool music.
And who was playing that, anyway?
101
00:04:48,357 --> 00:04:50,876
No-one, it's just the music
that you conjure up in your head
102
00:04:50,877 --> 00:04:52,396
when Smooth enters a room.
103
00:04:52,397 --> 00:04:56,397
Really? What sort of music do people
conjure up when I enter a room?
104
00:04:56,517 --> 00:04:59,036
I don't know. Why don't you go out
and give it a go?
105
00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:03,037
Yeah, all right. I'm not scared.
106
00:05:04,597 --> 00:05:05,917
OK, I'm ready.
107
00:05:20,037 --> 00:05:23,556
Oh, my God, what was that?!
What was that supposed to be?
108
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:24,996
That was your entrance music.
109
00:05:24,997 --> 00:05:27,196
That's what people hear when you
enter a room.
110
00:05:27,197 --> 00:05:29,356
So every time I go to
a party and I walk into a room,
111
00:05:29,357 --> 00:05:30,796
that's what people are seeing?
112
00:05:30,797 --> 00:05:34,076
Every time I walk over to a girl
on a park bench to chat her up,
113
00:05:34,077 --> 00:05:36,596
that's what she's seeing?
I'm afraid so, yeah.
114
00:05:36,597 --> 00:05:40,116
This is a nightmare. I thought
I was cool. I'm a living plum.
115
00:05:40,117 --> 00:05:41,676
Ohh...
116
00:05:41,677 --> 00:05:45,677
Noel, look. Like I said before,
you are... you are borderline.
117
00:05:46,157 --> 00:05:47,556
I'm not borderline, am I?
118
00:05:47,557 --> 00:05:51,557
I've gone a few degrees beyond
borderline. I'm in the next country!
119
00:05:51,837 --> 00:05:55,036
Well, I know. Look, there's
a slim chance you're still cool
120
00:05:55,037 --> 00:05:58,196
so why don't you just go to the cool
clinic and get yourself tested?
121
00:05:58,197 --> 00:06:00,316
Tested? Yeah, get a cool test.
122
00:06:00,317 --> 00:06:02,196
A cool test? What's a cool test?
123
00:06:02,197 --> 00:06:04,476
Just go, get a cool test
and if you're positive,
124
00:06:04,477 --> 00:06:06,276
you don't have to worry about
it again,
125
00:06:06,277 --> 00:06:09,477
they give you a certificate,
and, you know.
126
00:06:35,317 --> 00:06:36,756
All right, Doo Rag?
127
00:06:36,757 --> 00:06:39,076
What can I do for you today, Noel?
128
00:06:39,077 --> 00:06:41,156
Well, I've actually come for
a cool test.
129
00:06:41,157 --> 00:06:43,436
You sure you wanna know?
130
00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:47,437
Course I'm sure.
What's that supposed to mean?
131
00:06:47,917 --> 00:06:51,917
Urinate on this.
132
00:06:52,637 --> 00:06:54,916
What? Here, now? In front of you?
133
00:06:54,917 --> 00:06:57,076
Don't worry, I'm a professional.
134
00:06:57,077 --> 00:07:01,077
I'll look away.
135
00:07:22,437 --> 00:07:26,437
Oh, my. That's a negative.
136
00:07:35,877 --> 00:07:38,156
I mean, I'm not cool.
It's official now, yeah?
137
00:07:38,157 --> 00:07:41,036
But in a funny kind of way,
I feel a sense of relief.
138
00:07:41,037 --> 00:07:42,516
It's like the weight's just...
139
00:07:42,517 --> 00:07:44,636
..off my shoulders, you know?
140
00:07:44,637 --> 00:07:45,676
Yeah, I mean, all right,
141
00:07:45,677 --> 00:07:48,236
you're cool, you're cool,
you're cool, and I'm not cool,
142
00:07:48,237 --> 00:07:51,156
but we can still gel as a group,
can't we, hm?
143
00:07:51,157 --> 00:07:53,116
I mean, I'm not cool. Does it matter?
144
00:07:53,117 --> 00:07:55,636
No-one's ever died of not being cool.
145
00:07:55,637 --> 00:07:58,036
Yeah, that's all
absolutely fascinating, Noel,
146
00:07:58,037 --> 00:08:02,037
but, shh, I've got some Skype call
coming in from a weird number.
147
00:08:02,517 --> 00:08:06,517
Oh, my God!
148
00:08:07,797 --> 00:08:09,636
'We are the Cucumbers of Cool.
149
00:08:09,637 --> 00:08:11,876
'We've been scouring the galaxy
150
00:08:11,877 --> 00:08:15,076
searching for and destroying
anyone uncool!
151
00:08:15,077 --> 00:08:17,276
'We have been alerted to the fact
152
00:08:17,277 --> 00:08:20,276
'that someone in your vicinity
is NOT cool!'
153
00:08:20,277 --> 00:08:22,716
No, we're all cool here.
154
00:08:22,717 --> 00:08:26,717
We're all cool, but thanks for,
er, stopping by. Bye!
155
00:08:26,877 --> 00:08:29,996
'It is you, Noel, who is uncool.'
156
00:08:29,997 --> 00:08:32,117
How do you know?
157
00:08:32,117 --> 00:08:33,797
'We've been watching the show.'
158
00:08:33,798 --> 00:08:36,836
Really? These guys watch the show.
159
00:08:36,837 --> 00:08:38,716
'Initially we were not interested, '
160
00:08:38,717 --> 00:08:42,717
as a TV guide said
it was about disaffected youth.
161
00:08:42,797 --> 00:08:46,156
We have no interest
in disaffected youth! Fuck, no!
162
00:08:46,157 --> 00:08:49,276
'However, when the show
became about cool, '
163
00:08:49,277 --> 00:08:53,277
we became very interested,
very interested indeed!
164
00:08:54,237 --> 00:08:57,716
Yeah, well, it's great that you were
interested. Er... who are you?
165
00:08:57,717 --> 00:09:00,916
'I've told you!
We're the Cucumbers of Cool!
166
00:09:00,917 --> 00:09:04,036
'Have you heard the expression
"cool as a cucumber"?'
167
00:09:04,037 --> 00:09:05,356
Yeah, obviously.
168
00:09:05,357 --> 00:09:08,716
'We are the living embodiment
of that expression!
169
00:09:08,717 --> 00:09:11,396
'Francis, read from the sacred text.
170
00:09:11,397 --> 00:09:14,796
'"Pert as a pear-monger I'd be
If Molly were but kind
171
00:09:14,797 --> 00:09:18,716
'"Cool as a cucumber could see
The rest of womankind."
172
00:09:18,717 --> 00:09:22,556
- 'John Gay.
- 1685 to 1732!
173
00:09:22,557 --> 00:09:26,156
'You have been found to be uncool.
If you are uncool
174
00:09:26,157 --> 00:09:29,436
'by the time we arrive on your
planet, you will be destroyed!
175
00:09:29,437 --> 00:09:32,956
'You have until the end of
the episode to become cool!
176
00:09:32,957 --> 00:09:35,236
'If we arrive
and you are still uncool,
177
00:09:35,237 --> 00:09:38,036
'you will be destroyed by
the... the machine!
178
00:09:38,037 --> 00:09:41,636
The machine! The machine!
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Hee-hee-hee-hee!
179
00:09:41,637 --> 00:09:43,916
'We will now show the power
of the machine
180
00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,996
'by destroying this ancient dummy.
181
00:09:45,997 --> 00:09:49,836
'Fire!
182
00:09:49,837 --> 00:09:53,196
'The dummy has been destroyed!'
183
00:09:53,197 --> 00:09:55,956
Yeah. Turn the screen around
so they can see.
184
00:09:55,957 --> 00:09:59,957
I hate you!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
185
00:10:01,677 --> 00:10:04,596
Oh, my God. Ooh.
186
00:10:04,597 --> 00:10:08,596
'Next time, it will be you
who is destroyed, not the dummy.
187
00:10:08,597 --> 00:10:09,716
'Do you understand?'
188
00:10:09,717 --> 00:10:11,076
Yeah, I get it.
189
00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:15,077
'I... I think he understands.
190
00:10:15,597 --> 00:10:19,396
'Very well. Goodbye.
Enjoy the rest of your day.'
191
00:10:19,397 --> 00:10:21,396
Yeah, probably not gonna now,
though, am I?
192
00:10:21,397 --> 00:10:23,996
'Oh, I thought you were one
of those guys
193
00:10:23,997 --> 00:10:26,556
'who could kinda
shut things off emotionally.'
194
00:10:26,557 --> 00:10:29,837
Unfortunately, I'm not.
I mean, I always wished I was, but...
195
00:10:29,837 --> 00:10:33,437
Oh. OK. Goodbye.
196
00:10:43,000 --> 00:10:45,200
How am I going to get cool?
197
00:10:45,287 --> 00:10:47,606
Maybe I could kill myself.
198
00:10:47,607 --> 00:10:50,047
I've noticed that quite a lot
of cool people die young.
199
00:10:50,047 --> 00:10:52,326
Jimi Hendrix. John Belushi.
200
00:10:52,327 --> 00:10:55,247
Yeah, but, Noel, if you kill
yourself, you'll still be dead.
201
00:10:55,247 --> 00:10:56,927
Oh, yeah. Hm.
202
00:10:56,927 --> 00:10:59,007
Plus, Noel, you are too old to die
young.
203
00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:01,766
Thanks.
Hm. OK.
204
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:05,086
I am off to play conkers
with my friend Yoko Ono.
205
00:11:05,087 --> 00:11:07,607
Oh, she's pretty cool. Maybe I could
ask her what her secret is.
206
00:11:07,632 --> 00:11:09,366
That's a great idea, Andy.
Brilliant. Mm.
207
00:11:09,367 --> 00:11:13,367
I love Yoko Ono. Oh, Andy! Andy!
Andy! When you talk to Yoko about
208
00:11:14,687 --> 00:11:16,766
your uncool friend, can you not
mention my name?
209
00:11:16,767 --> 00:11:18,086
OK.
210
00:11:18,087 --> 00:11:21,006
Brilliant.
211
00:11:21,007 --> 00:11:23,767
I've got it. Joey Ramone.
212
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:26,206
Joey Ramone! Of course. He's cool.
213
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:28,567
Yeah, he knows everything
there is to know about being cool.
214
00:11:28,592 --> 00:11:30,766
Plus, he's in The Ramones
and he's Plasticine.
215
00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:33,446
Ha-ha! OK, call him, then.
216
00:11:33,447 --> 00:11:36,206
Well, why don't you ring him?
Well, I can't call him, can I?
217
00:11:36,207 --> 00:11:38,367
He's not going to answer
the phone to me. I'm not cool.
218
00:11:38,392 --> 00:11:39,846
Yeah. That's true.
219
00:11:39,847 --> 00:11:41,287
Plus, you get on with him, don't
you?
220
00:11:41,312 --> 00:11:43,326
Yeah, really well.
Yeah, we used to go out.
221
00:11:43,327 --> 00:11:45,366
Really? It was great.
222
00:11:45,367 --> 00:11:47,447
I mean, we had such a...
such a spiritual connection.
223
00:11:47,448 --> 00:11:50,967
I mean, he said I was a little physical at
times, you know, but we got on amazingly.
224
00:11:50,968 --> 00:11:54,486
Oh, can you just ring him and we'll
talk about that another time,
225
00:11:54,487 --> 00:11:56,926
maybe
in 170 years when we're both dead?
226
00:11:56,927 --> 00:11:58,767
God.
227
00:12:01,447 --> 00:12:04,046
Hello, Joey. How are you?
228
00:12:04,047 --> 00:12:05,766
Ha-ha! Oh, that's great.
229
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:09,767
Listen, I was wondering if I could
bring my friend Noel to visit.
230
00:12:10,127 --> 00:12:13,406
Noel!
231
00:12:13,407 --> 00:12:15,126
Noel!
232
00:12:15,127 --> 00:12:17,927
He works in the coffee shop.
Yeah, that's him.
233
00:12:17,927 --> 00:12:21,927
Yeah, unfortunately, he just got back from
the cool clinic and he tested negative.
234
00:12:24,087 --> 00:12:27,686
Oh, come on, Joey! He's a friend!
235
00:12:27,687 --> 00:12:28,886
Joey!
236
00:12:28,887 --> 00:12:31,166
Oh, Joey, please!
237
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,247
Joey? Joey, are you still there?
238
00:12:34,247 --> 00:12:37,006
Well, we're going to come over!
239
00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:38,926
What did he say?
240
00:12:38,927 --> 00:12:40,647
Yeah, he said he will be
very happy to help.
241
00:12:40,672 --> 00:12:44,672
Oh, great. So, let's go.
242
00:12:44,847 --> 00:12:48,847
OK.
243
00:12:51,927 --> 00:12:52,966
Damn it!
244
00:12:52,967 --> 00:12:55,926
OK, Yoko.
245
00:12:55,927 --> 00:12:58,006
Good luck beating this one.
246
00:12:58,007 --> 00:13:00,566
It's a 59er.
247
00:13:00,567 --> 00:13:04,567
Lichtenstein tried to do stampsies on this
and his ankle shattered like a meringue.
248
00:13:06,407 --> 00:13:10,407
Hm.
249
00:13:11,087 --> 00:13:12,127
Damn it!
250
00:13:14,887 --> 00:13:18,887
Damn it!
251
00:13:19,167 --> 00:13:22,126
Have you been using vinegar again?
Huh?
252
00:13:22,127 --> 00:13:26,127
Huh? Have you?
253
00:13:32,807 --> 00:13:35,766
Hm, OK.
254
00:13:35,767 --> 00:13:37,806
Ooh, before I go, I almost forgot.
255
00:13:37,807 --> 00:13:41,807
Er... my friend Noel, er... I mean,
Big Claire, has a problem.
256
00:13:42,127 --> 00:13:45,766
She is not cool and she,
er... Big Claire, not Noel,
257
00:13:45,767 --> 00:13:48,006
needs to get cool
before the end of the episode.
258
00:13:48,007 --> 00:13:52,007
Do you think you can help?
259
00:13:53,687 --> 00:13:55,486
Oh, wow!
260
00:13:55,487 --> 00:13:59,486
A big egg. How novel!
But what does it mean?
261
00:13:59,487 --> 00:14:03,487
In my opinion, the coolest state for
a human being is before they are born.
262
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:08,526
This egg represents that period.
263
00:14:08,527 --> 00:14:12,287
Yoko, that's beautiful.
264
00:14:17,407 --> 00:14:19,526
Andy!
265
00:14:19,527 --> 00:14:21,566
It's me, Lou!
266
00:14:21,567 --> 00:14:23,686
It's Lou Reed!
267
00:14:23,687 --> 00:14:27,086
Let me out of here, man!
268
00:14:27,087 --> 00:14:29,566
I don't like it!
269
00:14:29,567 --> 00:14:31,726
I don't like it, Andy!
270
00:14:31,727 --> 00:14:35,606
Andy!
271
00:14:35,607 --> 00:14:37,366
Plus, I've had a bit of a clear-out,
272
00:14:37,367 --> 00:14:40,246
and if you took that off my hands,
you'd be doing me a massive favour.
273
00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:43,166
OK, thanks, Yoko.
See you Thursday for crazy golf.
274
00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:47,167
Hm.
275
00:14:48,607 --> 00:14:51,806
OK, so we have entered
the Plasticine part of the island.
276
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:53,766
All right. But make sure no entering
any rooms.
277
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:55,046
OK, Noel? Why?
278
00:14:55,047 --> 00:14:58,566
Well, I don't want Joey to see, like,
your entrance package, you know?
279
00:14:58,567 --> 00:14:59,606
All right.
280
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:02,287
And also I think it's best
if you don't speak.
281
00:15:02,287 --> 00:15:06,287
All right, so don't enter any rooms and don't
speak. No, you know, just be nonchalant.
282
00:15:06,288 --> 00:15:07,766
Nonchalant? What does that mean?
283
00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:11,767
Well, you know, like you're not
really listening. You're just sort of cool.
284
00:15:12,207 --> 00:15:13,847
No, no, no. Noel, Noel, don't do
that, OK?
285
00:15:13,872 --> 00:15:15,366
No? No.
286
00:15:15,367 --> 00:15:18,566
Like be... you know, be sulky.
287
00:15:18,567 --> 00:15:22,366
Noel, and the most important, please
do not say that we ever went out, OK?
288
00:15:22,367 --> 00:15:25,206
All right. I mean, I'm not allowed
to speak so how am I going to?
289
00:15:25,207 --> 00:15:26,246
Yeah.
290
00:15:26,247 --> 00:15:30,247
OK, let's do it. OK.
291
00:15:33,447 --> 00:15:37,286
Poor Joey Ramone,
standing under a palm tree.
292
00:15:37,287 --> 00:15:41,287
Hello, Joey.
Looks like you've got some visitors.
293
00:15:43,927 --> 00:15:47,927
It's your cool friend, Dolly,
and her uncool friend, Noel.
294
00:15:48,367 --> 00:15:50,406
Hello, Dolly. Hello, Noel.
295
00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:51,846
What's that, Dolly?
296
00:15:51,847 --> 00:15:55,847
You've got till the end of the show
to make your friend Noel cool?
297
00:15:56,127 --> 00:15:59,286
And you'd like Joey to help?
298
00:15:59,287 --> 00:16:00,646
What's that, Joey?
299
00:16:00,647 --> 00:16:02,846
Even though trying to help
someone as uncool as Noel
300
00:16:02,847 --> 00:16:04,646
might damage your street cred,
301
00:16:04,647 --> 00:16:07,886
you're willing to give it a go?
302
00:16:07,887 --> 00:16:10,206
You'll take Noel and Dolly
to the cool market
303
00:16:10,207 --> 00:16:14,207
and get Noel some sunglasses,
a new haircut and a leather jacket?
304
00:16:16,007 --> 00:16:18,406
Oh, look, it's Alison and Jamie
from The Kills,
305
00:16:18,407 --> 00:16:22,407
arguably the coolest Anglo-American
duo since Dempsey And Makepeace.
306
00:16:22,687 --> 00:16:24,206
What's that, Alison?
307
00:16:24,207 --> 00:16:27,526
You think Noel needs a new pair of
pink shades that he should never take off,
308
00:16:27,527 --> 00:16:31,527
even if it's at night-time and even
if his mum's calling him in for his tea?
309
00:16:33,207 --> 00:16:37,207
Good idea.
310
00:16:41,007 --> 00:16:42,126
Oh, look, everyone.
311
00:16:42,127 --> 00:16:46,127
It's Slash, from the famous rock
band Velvet Revolver.
312
00:16:46,447 --> 00:16:49,246
What's that, Slash? You think Noel
needs a brand-new haircut,
313
00:16:49,247 --> 00:16:53,247
possibly a perm?
314
00:16:57,927 --> 00:17:01,166
Oh, dear, Slash! You seem to have
left the chemicals on for too long,
315
00:17:01,167 --> 00:17:03,966
leaving Noel with a Bobby Ball-type
perm.
316
00:17:03,967 --> 00:17:07,967
Better hide all the mirrors.
317
00:17:12,367 --> 00:17:16,367
What's that, Dolly? Where's the
leather jacket that Joey promised Noel?
318
00:17:17,567 --> 00:17:19,046
What's that, Joey?
319
00:17:19,047 --> 00:17:21,286
The only leather jacket you've got
is your own,
320
00:17:21,287 --> 00:17:25,086
and there's no flipping way
anyone's having that?
321
00:17:25,087 --> 00:17:29,087
What's that, Dolly? Stop being
a dick and hand over the jacket?
322
00:17:31,967 --> 00:17:35,967
Oh, dear, Joey! Dolly seems
to be bashing your brains in.
323
00:17:36,567 --> 00:17:40,567
What's that, Noel? This is all a bit
violent for your liking?
324
00:17:42,327 --> 00:17:45,926
I'm not sure this behaviour can be
classified as cool in any way.
325
00:17:45,927 --> 00:17:49,927
Poor Joey Ramone, lying on the floor
in a crumpled heap.
326
00:17:50,527 --> 00:17:54,527
Poor Dolly, mugging Joey
of his favourite jacket.
327
00:17:54,727 --> 00:17:57,806
Poor Noel,
trying desperately to become cool
328
00:17:57,807 --> 00:18:01,807
and avoid certain death
from a race of alien cucumbers.
329
00:18:01,927 --> 00:18:04,926
Better get going before
the Plasticine police arrive.
330
00:18:04,927 --> 00:18:07,446
Meh-moh, meh-moh, meh-moh, meh-moh!
331
00:18:07,447 --> 00:18:10,127
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!
332
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:24,567
Negative.
333
00:18:27,647 --> 00:18:29,126
I mean, really? Negative.
334
00:18:29,127 --> 00:18:31,246
Really? I mean, really?
Negative. Negative.
335
00:18:31,247 --> 00:18:33,206
Really? Really?
Negative. Negative.
336
00:18:33,207 --> 00:18:34,286
I mean really? Negative.
337
00:18:34,287 --> 00:18:36,166
Really? Really? Negative. Negative.
338
00:18:36,167 --> 00:18:37,206
Really? Negative.
339
00:18:37,207 --> 00:18:39,046
Really? Really? Negative. Negative.
340
00:18:39,047 --> 00:18:40,086
OK.
341
00:18:40,087 --> 00:18:41,206
Really? Positive.
342
00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:42,286
Positive? Negative.
343
00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:44,007
Yep.
344
00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:51,566
This is all your fault.
You know that, don't you? I mean,
345
00:18:51,567 --> 00:18:54,646
I wanted to make an episode about
disaffected youth. Now look at me.
346
00:18:54,647 --> 00:18:58,647
It's not my fault you can't be made
cool. Thanks.
347
00:19:02,647 --> 00:19:06,647
We are here for the uncool. Francis,
read out the execution list.
348
00:19:10,087 --> 00:19:12,406
Noel.
349
00:19:12,407 --> 00:19:16,407
You must now be destroyed
by the machine!
350
00:19:16,807 --> 00:19:19,926
The machine! The machine!
351
00:19:19,927 --> 00:19:22,286
The machine!
352
00:19:22,287 --> 00:19:24,846
Can I just say, er... it's not cool,
what you're doing?
353
00:19:24,847 --> 00:19:28,766
You know that, don't you?
354
00:19:28,767 --> 00:19:29,846
What do you mean?
355
00:19:29,847 --> 00:19:31,806
Well, you can't just
swan around the planet,
356
00:19:31,807 --> 00:19:34,406
executing people
simply cos they're not cool.
357
00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:36,206
That's not cool in itself.
358
00:19:36,207 --> 00:19:39,206
Well, it must be,
because we are cool.
359
00:19:39,207 --> 00:19:42,366
We are cool as cucumbers! Heh-heh!
360
00:19:42,367 --> 00:19:46,367
Well, you say that,
but have you ever been tested?
361
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:49,246
Tested? What do you mean, tested?
362
00:19:49,247 --> 00:19:52,407
Well, you go and take a cool test and
then they give you a certificate.
363
00:19:56,687 --> 00:19:58,406
Right, green boys.
364
00:19:58,407 --> 00:20:02,126
Time to put your money
where your mouth is.
365
00:20:02,127 --> 00:20:03,886
Urinate on this.
366
00:20:03,887 --> 00:20:06,246
What, in front of everyone?
367
00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:08,486
Don't worry, we're all
professionals.
368
00:20:08,487 --> 00:20:12,487
We'll look away.
369
00:20:28,047 --> 00:20:32,047
Ahem!
370
00:20:32,247 --> 00:20:36,166
Oh, my! It's a negative.
371
00:20:36,167 --> 00:20:39,486
It can't be. We are cool as
cucumbers.
372
00:20:39,487 --> 00:20:43,487
Well, it just goes to show, you
can't base the society on a simile.
373
00:20:44,727 --> 00:20:47,366
You have humiliated us!
374
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:50,366
No-one must know
what went on here today!
375
00:20:50,367 --> 00:20:53,126
You will all be destroyed
by the machine!
376
00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:55,526
The machine! The machine!
377
00:20:55,527 --> 00:20:58,806
The machine!
The machine! The machine!
378
00:20:58,807 --> 00:21:01,406
All right, if you could all
just sort of bunch together
379
00:21:01,407 --> 00:21:02,886
with the short ones in the front.
380
00:21:02,887 --> 00:21:04,086
That's nice, yeah.
381
00:21:04,087 --> 00:21:06,406
Aah! Aah! Aah!
382
00:21:06,407 --> 00:21:08,407
How could you destroy the machine?
Oh, the machine!
383
00:21:08,432 --> 00:21:12,432
Yes, that's not helping.
You're literally fanning the flames.
384
00:21:13,487 --> 00:21:16,566
We have been humiliated twice now!
385
00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:19,686
There is nothing further
for us to do!
386
00:21:19,687 --> 00:21:23,687
We must now go back to our planet
and tell them that we are uncool!
387
00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:26,206
There will be a period of reflection
388
00:21:26,207 --> 00:21:28,926
and then we will kill ourselves
en masse.
389
00:21:28,927 --> 00:21:30,846
Hey, come on. It's not that bad.
390
00:21:30,847 --> 00:21:33,046
It is that bad, Noel!
391
00:21:33,047 --> 00:21:35,126
It's not that bad.
I mean, look at me.
392
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,406
I've spent the whole episode
trying to be cool.
393
00:21:37,407 --> 00:21:39,646
I've got a perm and a big egg.
394
00:21:39,647 --> 00:21:42,006
I mean, I'm sick of the whole
concept.
395
00:21:42,007 --> 00:21:45,086
I mean, what is cool?
What's the point of it?
396
00:21:45,087 --> 00:21:47,406
I sometimes wonder myself.
397
00:21:47,407 --> 00:21:50,526
There's also the bigger picture
to consider.
398
00:21:50,527 --> 00:21:53,526
Our society is crumbling.
399
00:21:53,527 --> 00:21:54,646
That's right, Francis.
400
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:57,366
No-one wants to do a proper job
any more.
401
00:21:57,367 --> 00:22:01,367
Everyone wants to be a fashion
designer, or a DJ, or a stylist.
402
00:22:05,887 --> 00:22:09,246
I myself always wanted to be
a baker.
403
00:22:09,247 --> 00:22:10,846
Well, everyone needs bread.
404
00:22:10,847 --> 00:22:12,886
And I always wanted to be a teacher.
405
00:22:12,887 --> 00:22:14,566
Everyone needs knowledge.
406
00:22:14,567 --> 00:22:17,526
I always wanted to be
a snooker referee.
407
00:22:17,527 --> 00:22:20,206
Well, whatever you wanna be,
that's all fine.
408
00:22:20,207 --> 00:22:22,766
It's great.
You can be whoever you are.
409
00:22:22,767 --> 00:22:26,767
Noel, you have unburdened us
from the cycle of cool.
410
00:22:27,487 --> 00:22:31,006
From the what?
Cycles of cool.
411
00:22:31,007 --> 00:22:32,046
Right.
412
00:22:32,047 --> 00:22:36,047
We will never forget
what you did for us today. Bye.
413
00:22:40,047 --> 00:22:41,126
What's this?
414
00:22:41,127 --> 00:22:45,127
Don't you see? You don't care
any more. You're finally cool.
415
00:22:45,527 --> 00:22:49,047
Ha-ha-ha! I'm cool! I'm cool!
416
00:22:49,047 --> 00:22:51,246
I'm cool, living like a dolphin
417
00:22:51,247 --> 00:22:53,406
Living like a dolphin
in the pipeline
418
00:22:53,407 --> 00:22:55,326
Cool, cool, got myself cool
419
00:22:55,327 --> 00:22:57,846
Cool, cool, got myself cool
420
00:22:57,847 --> 00:23:01,847
I'm going to have to take that back.
421
00:23:03,247 --> 00:23:05,166
I was cool, though,
for a few seconds, wasn't I?
422
00:23:05,167 --> 00:23:08,326
Ha-ha! You saw it.
I was definitely cool. Ha-ha-ha!
423
00:23:08,327 --> 00:23:10,447
Ha! For a few seconds!
424
00:23:13,847 --> 00:23:17,847
If you think about it, geometric
box fish actually saved the day.
425
00:23:17,927 --> 00:23:21,686
I mean, who'd have thought it?
Disaffected youth coming to the rescue.
426
00:23:21,687 --> 00:23:23,646
Mm. Yeah, where is he?
427
00:23:23,647 --> 00:23:26,126
I took him back to the pet shop.
He was getting on my nerves.
428
00:23:26,127 --> 00:23:29,246
Noel? Noel, the cucumbers are back.
429
00:23:29,247 --> 00:23:31,606
They seem to be beaming something
down.
430
00:23:31,607 --> 00:23:32,926
Really?
431
00:23:32,927 --> 00:23:36,927
Oh, yeah.
432
00:23:44,727 --> 00:23:48,727
Oh, great!
433
00:23:55,367 --> 00:23:59,087
Great. So, now I'm going to be
remembered for eternity as Noel,
434
00:23:59,088 --> 00:24:00,326
the King of Uncool.
435
00:24:00,327 --> 00:24:02,006
Ha-ha! Oh, my God!
436
00:24:02,007 --> 00:24:05,766
My name's Noel and I'm uncool
for all eternity! Ha-ha-ha!
437
00:24:05,767 --> 00:24:07,567
I mean, that's a really long time,
you know?
438
00:24:07,567 --> 00:24:09,447
Meh-moh,
meh-moh, meh-moh, meh-moh!
439
00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:13,447
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!
440
00:24:14,327 --> 00:24:17,287
But, officer, I was just
borrowing Joey's leather jacket.
441
00:24:17,288 --> 00:24:20,606
I...I didn't mean to punch him
repeatedly in the face. It was an accident.
442
00:24:20,607 --> 00:24:21,926
Noel, tell him!
Ha-ha-ha!
443
00:24:21,927 --> 00:24:23,327
Careful with her in the van.
444
00:24:23,327 --> 00:24:25,087
She can get quite physical!
445
00:24:29,190 --> 00:24:50,230
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446
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