Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:07,222 --> 00:00:09,002
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh,
ooh!
2
00:00:09,937 --> 00:00:12,776
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh,
ooh!
3
00:00:12,777 --> 00:00:16,376
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
4
00:00:16,377 --> 00:00:19,097
Ha! It's luxury
Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
5
00:00:19,097 --> 00:00:20,697
Here it comes,
here it comes
6
00:00:20,698 --> 00:00:23,417
Here it comes again, yeah!
It's luxury
7
00:00:23,417 --> 00:00:27,417
Here it comes, here it comes
Here it comes again, yeah
8
00:00:28,817 --> 00:00:31,176
La la la-la-la-la-la-la!
9
00:00:31,177 --> 00:00:33,817
La la la-la-la-la!
10
00:00:33,817 --> 00:00:36,776
La la la-la-la-la-la-la!
11
00:00:36,777 --> 00:00:38,981
? La la la-la-la-la! ?
12
00:00:39,006 --> 00:00:42,061
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
13
00:00:42,137 --> 00:00:44,857
Hi. Welcome to the second
series of Luxury Comedy.
14
00:00:44,858 --> 00:00:46,456
We're in a coffee shop
this time.
15
00:00:46,457 --> 00:00:49,616
I know what you're thinking. That sounds
like the setting for a boring sitcom.
16
00:00:49,617 --> 00:00:52,016
It's not gonna be boring,
cos I've put a little twist on it.
17
00:00:52,017 --> 00:00:56,017
It's a coffee shop on the edge of
a volcano in Hawaii.
18
00:01:00,737 --> 00:01:04,136
Ah, it's gonna be great. I mean,
I've never had a job before.
19
00:01:04,137 --> 00:01:05,776
No-one's gonna give me a job
in real life, are they?
20
00:01:05,777 --> 00:01:07,937
Noel, who are you talking to?
21
00:01:07,937 --> 00:01:09,537
The people - watching at home.
22
00:01:09,538 --> 00:01:12,336
Just giving 'em a way in, you know,
a friendly map and compass,
23
00:01:12,337 --> 00:01:15,056
cos, apparently, last time, a couple
of people were confused.
24
00:01:15,057 --> 00:01:17,416
OK. So, introduce me, then.
25
00:01:17,417 --> 00:01:20,417
All right, I'm just getting round to
it. This is Dolly, my cool friend.
26
00:01:20,417 --> 00:01:22,696
We used to go out, back in
the day, but I had to end it.
27
00:01:22,697 --> 00:01:24,816
Yeah, Noel, I ended it.
28
00:01:24,817 --> 00:01:26,496
I ended it. Noel, I ended it.
29
00:01:26,497 --> 00:01:29,456
No, if you remember, I ended it. No,
Noel. If you remember, I ended it,
30
00:01:29,457 --> 00:01:32,216
cos you kept asking me to do that
thing, you know, with the...
31
00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,696
Yeah, all right. Can we not talk
about that on telly? Sure.
32
00:01:34,697 --> 00:01:36,816
This is Smooth, my
second-in-command.
33
00:01:36,817 --> 00:01:39,096
Ha-ha! Check him out.
I won him in a card game.
34
00:01:39,097 --> 00:01:41,776
Ha-ha! He's an anteater.
Imagine that!
35
00:01:41,777 --> 00:01:44,296
You are an anteater, aren't you?
Yeah, why?
36
00:01:44,297 --> 00:01:46,416
It's just that you look like
you're in Star Wars.
37
00:01:46,417 --> 00:01:48,416
I'm mixed race. Mixed race?
38
00:01:48,417 --> 00:01:50,576
Yeah, my mum's an anteater.
My dad's a man.
39
00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:54,056
Your dad got off with an anteater?
It's a bit weird, innit?
40
00:01:54,057 --> 00:01:55,936
Yeah, it is a bit weird.
But can you pipe down?
41
00:01:55,937 --> 00:01:59,937
My parents are sitting over there.
42
00:02:00,857 --> 00:02:03,936
Ha-ha! Oh, where's Andy Warhol?
43
00:02:03,937 --> 00:02:05,576
He's in the cupboard.
44
00:02:05,577 --> 00:02:07,776
Still? He's been in there
since the first series.
45
00:02:07,777 --> 00:02:10,376
I know. He's decked it all out
to look like Studio 54.
46
00:02:10,377 --> 00:02:14,097
Ha-ha! Get him out, quick.
The show's started.
47
00:02:41,177 --> 00:02:42,776
Ah, Andy, calm down.
48
00:02:42,777 --> 00:02:45,056
Andy, stop humping the fixtures.
49
00:02:45,057 --> 00:02:47,616
What is this? Where am I?
What's happening?
50
00:02:47,617 --> 00:02:50,256
It's OK, calm down.
You're in the second series.
51
00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:52,496
We got another series?
52
00:02:52,497 --> 00:02:55,416
Yeah! We're in a coffee shop
this time.
53
00:02:55,417 --> 00:02:59,016
Hmph! Sounds like the setting
for a boring sitcom to me.
54
00:02:59,017 --> 00:03:01,936
I've already been over this. It's not
gonna be. I've put a twist on it.
55
00:03:01,937 --> 00:03:04,656
It's basically a coffee shop on the
edge of a volcano in Hawaii.
56
00:03:04,657 --> 00:03:06,057
Check it out.
57
00:03:10,217 --> 00:03:11,376
Hm.
58
00:03:11,377 --> 00:03:14,616
I'm not sure that putting a coffee
shop on the edge of a volcano
59
00:03:14,617 --> 00:03:15,696
is such a good idea.
60
00:03:15,697 --> 00:03:19,697
Why not? I foresee trouble.
61
00:03:20,337 --> 00:03:23,096
Oh, Andy, stop being such a square!
62
00:03:23,097 --> 00:03:25,336
You know it's cool
that we're all in Hawaii.
63
00:03:25,337 --> 00:03:27,816
You're just freaking out cos you
don't wanna wear shorts.
64
00:03:27,817 --> 00:03:29,376
I hate shorts.
65
00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:32,016
I know you do. No-one's gonna make
you wear shorts, Andy.
66
00:03:32,017 --> 00:03:33,456
It's fine. Smooth?
67
00:03:33,457 --> 00:03:35,656
How are you feeling about the whole
Hawaiian vibe?
68
00:03:35,657 --> 00:03:37,736
It's a bit of a weird location
for a new business.
69
00:03:37,737 --> 00:03:40,016
I mean, you're new to
the service industry as it is.
70
00:03:40,017 --> 00:03:42,696
Who are you? Deborah Meaden?
71
00:03:42,697 --> 00:03:44,896
No, I'm not.
But can you keep it down?
72
00:03:44,897 --> 00:03:46,816
She's sitting over there
with Peanut Jones.
73
00:03:46,817 --> 00:03:48,936
I think it's Peter Jones.
74
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:51,777
Oh, no, you're right.
That is Peanut Jones.
75
00:03:56,897 --> 00:04:00,576
OK, yeah, let's talk about
who's doing what. Smooth,
76
00:04:00,577 --> 00:04:02,056
you'll be making the coffee.
77
00:04:02,057 --> 00:04:05,776
I'm the fastest in the business.
How fast are you, exactly?
78
00:04:05,777 --> 00:04:07,056
Smooth!
79
00:04:07,057 --> 00:04:08,736
That is pretty fast.
80
00:04:08,737 --> 00:04:11,176
Andy, I see you
as front of house.
81
00:04:11,177 --> 00:04:15,177
Why? Just think you're gonna really
get on well with the general public.
82
00:04:17,897 --> 00:04:20,817
Oh, actually, sorry, could I have a
bit less froth on that, please?
83
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:26,056
Ppffh! OK!
84
00:04:26,057 --> 00:04:27,776
And what about you?
85
00:04:27,777 --> 00:04:30,736
Well, you know, I'm the captain of
the ship, the face of Luxury Coffee.
86
00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:33,176
In fact, I've done an ad
campaign. It's pretty exciting.
87
00:04:33,177 --> 00:04:36,217
There's billboards all round the
island. Ha-ha! Check this out.
88
00:04:36,217 --> 00:04:38,576
Sitting in Hawaii
Drinking up a coffee
89
00:04:38,577 --> 00:04:42,577
? Sip on the froth
and suck my beans. ?
90
00:04:42,977 --> 00:04:46,977
OK, any weird stuff off the internet
that we can get involved in?
91
00:04:47,217 --> 00:04:49,016
Yeah, there's the new
Paul Panfer film.
92
00:04:49,017 --> 00:04:50,856
Love Paul Panfer!
Ah, me too.
93
00:04:50,857 --> 00:04:52,536
Yes, he's an internet sensation.
94
00:04:52,537 --> 00:04:54,976
I tell you, Paul Panfer's gone from
strength to strength
95
00:04:54,977 --> 00:04:57,736
since he started remaking Elvis films
on his mobile phone.
96
00:04:57,737 --> 00:04:59,456
Ha! Yeah, he's remade Blue Hawaii.
97
00:04:59,457 --> 00:05:03,457
Look, it's already got
nine million hits.
98
00:05:09,937 --> 00:05:12,856
Yeah!
99
00:05:12,857 --> 00:05:16,456
Blaw Hawaweeee.
100
00:05:16,457 --> 00:05:19,976
Wow, I've never seen waves
so dramatic.
101
00:05:19,977 --> 00:05:23,496
I know. You would have to be a
madman to go surfing today.
102
00:05:23,497 --> 00:05:26,056
Those waves must be 50 foot tall.
103
00:05:26,057 --> 00:05:28,336
100 foot tall at least.
104
00:05:28,337 --> 00:05:30,096
Have you called the girls?
105
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:33,016
No. Why not?
106
00:05:33,017 --> 00:05:35,456
Cos I don't know them
and nor do you.
107
00:05:35,457 --> 00:05:38,536
Don't... Don't mention it again.
108
00:05:38,537 --> 00:05:41,216
Oh, my God. Look!
109
00:05:41,217 --> 00:05:43,096
It can't be.
110
00:05:43,097 --> 00:05:45,296
I see someone out there.
111
00:05:45,297 --> 00:05:48,216
It's... It is. It's Paul Panfer!
112
00:05:48,217 --> 00:05:49,737
Whoa!
113
00:05:56,417 --> 00:05:58,096
Look at him go, man.
114
00:05:58,097 --> 00:06:00,696
He's so reckless!
It's like he just doesn't care.
115
00:06:00,697 --> 00:06:03,176
He doesn't care!
116
00:06:03,177 --> 00:06:06,456
He's a maverick. You know why
he doesn't care?
117
00:06:06,457 --> 00:06:10,457
Why? Cos he's Paul Panfer!
118
00:06:13,297 --> 00:06:16,177
Here comes Paul Panfer
Look at Paul Panfer
119
00:06:16,178 --> 00:06:18,416
He is a panther
120
00:06:18,417 --> 00:06:22,377
He is a panther
I am a panther
121
00:06:22,377 --> 00:06:25,256
Hey, I'm Paul Panfer...
122
00:06:25,257 --> 00:06:27,056
..Shake it, Paul Panfer,
123
00:06:27,057 --> 00:06:31,057
Shake it Paul Panfer,
shake it, Paul Panfer
124
00:06:31,377 --> 00:06:33,256
Shake it, Paul Panfer
125
00:06:33,257 --> 00:06:35,976
? He is a panther
He is a panther... ?
126
00:06:35,977 --> 00:06:37,336
Oh, fuck.
127
00:06:37,337 --> 00:06:39,177
...Shake it, Paul Panfer
128
00:06:39,177 --> 00:06:43,177
Looks like a panther
He is a panther
129
00:06:43,497 --> 00:06:46,056
? Shake it, Paul Panfer
Looks like a panther... ?
130
00:06:46,057 --> 00:06:50,057
? He's like a panther... ?
131
00:06:53,897 --> 00:06:57,096
No!
132
00:06:57,097 --> 00:06:58,456
Ah! Uh!
133
00:06:58,457 --> 00:07:01,496
I'm so hot for Paul Panfer
right now.
134
00:07:01,497 --> 00:07:03,896
Paul Panfer is my new muse.
135
00:07:03,897 --> 00:07:05,936
I've invented
a special Paul Panfer coffee.
136
00:07:05,937 --> 00:07:07,936
Have you?
It's more than a coffee.
137
00:07:07,937 --> 00:07:09,496
It's an experience, really.
138
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:11,496
It's amazing. Wow!
139
00:07:11,497 --> 00:07:14,096
The froth smells like the ocean.
140
00:07:14,097 --> 00:07:16,376
- Got a tiny sugar sculpture of Paul.
- Basoo!
141
00:07:16,377 --> 00:07:20,377
And if you want extra milk, you
squeeze it out of this blue tit.
142
00:07:21,577 --> 00:07:23,496
Andy, put it on
the specials board.
143
00:07:23,497 --> 00:07:26,617
Aye aye, Captain.
144
00:07:26,617 --> 00:07:29,056
Sitting in Hawaii
Drinking up a coffee
145
00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:31,937
? Sip on the froth
and suck my beans. ?
146
00:07:34,297 --> 00:07:35,856
What are you doing?
147
00:07:35,857 --> 00:07:37,816
Just writing a letter to Paul Panfer.
148
00:07:37,817 --> 00:07:40,496
Let me see. No, it's personal.
149
00:07:40,497 --> 00:07:43,096
Get off! What you doing? I'm just
gonna have a little look.
150
00:07:43,097 --> 00:07:45,696
You can't just read a letter
from one man to his hero!
151
00:07:45,697 --> 00:07:49,096
"Dear Paul Panfer, loved your
latest film, Blaw Hawaweeee.
152
00:07:49,097 --> 00:07:52,136
"I myself run a coffee shop
in Hawaii,
153
00:07:52,137 --> 00:07:55,096
"so if you fancy popping in,
you can have free coffee.
154
00:07:55,097 --> 00:07:59,097
"In fact, I've invented a coffee
in your honour."
155
00:07:59,377 --> 00:08:00,896
Sorry about that.
156
00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:04,897
"I think we might be kindred spirits
and could easily be best friends.
157
00:08:04,937 --> 00:08:07,216
"Love you a little bit, Noel.
158
00:08:07,217 --> 00:08:09,696
"PS, I'm writing this in the nude."
159
00:08:09,697 --> 00:08:11,696
Yeah, all right!
160
00:08:11,697 --> 00:08:15,016
That is possibly the most
embarrassing letter I've ever seen.
161
00:08:15,017 --> 00:08:16,536
Well, no-one asked you
to read it.
162
00:08:16,537 --> 00:08:19,256
Why don't you just keep
your big German nose out?
163
00:08:19,257 --> 00:08:22,416
What is wrong with you?
Why are you so uncool?
164
00:08:22,417 --> 00:08:25,816
I mean, besides, he's not gonna
respond to this, Noel.
165
00:08:25,817 --> 00:08:27,696
Well, he might do.
He might come round.
166
00:08:27,697 --> 00:08:29,656
No, that's the whole point of
Paul Panfer.
167
00:08:29,657 --> 00:08:32,256
He doesn't care about
this stuff, you know.
168
00:08:32,257 --> 00:08:34,056
And anyway, he can't even read.
169
00:08:34,057 --> 00:08:36,296
Well, he must have people
around him who can read.
170
00:08:36,297 --> 00:08:38,216
I doubt it.
Anyway, look, it's up to me.
171
00:08:38,217 --> 00:08:40,736
If I want to write a letter
to Paul Panfer, I will,
172
00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:43,736
and I think he might read this
and be touched by my words
173
00:08:43,737 --> 00:08:45,816
and I think he might pop round.
Do you?
174
00:08:45,817 --> 00:08:49,817
Right, this is urgent. Post that
to Paul Panfer's house.
175
00:08:54,377 --> 00:08:56,496
Hello?
All right, Noel?
176
00:08:56,497 --> 00:08:57,696
Ha-ha! All right, Peter.
177
00:08:57,697 --> 00:09:00,816
Who is it?
Secret Peter, my landlord.
178
00:09:00,817 --> 00:09:04,817
Listen, there's a bit of a
problem with the coffee shop.
179
00:09:04,937 --> 00:09:06,896
What do you mean?
180
00:09:06,897 --> 00:09:10,176
Well, like you can't just put
a coffee shop in Hawaii
181
00:09:10,177 --> 00:09:12,177
on the edge of a volcano.
182
00:09:13,977 --> 00:09:17,936
Why not? Well, cos like it's sacred
land, innit?
183
00:09:17,937 --> 00:09:19,976
Like you've upset the locals.
184
00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:21,136
What locals?
185
00:09:21,137 --> 00:09:23,856
The cast of Magnum PI.
186
00:09:23,857 --> 00:09:25,856
They're outside in the shop now.
187
00:09:25,857 --> 00:09:29,857
Why don't you have a look, if you've
got binoculars at hand?
188
00:09:36,937 --> 00:09:40,456
Easy, Magnum.
189
00:09:40,457 --> 00:09:42,016
My God, they look furious!
190
00:09:42,017 --> 00:09:44,896
They are furious,
cos you offended them
191
00:09:44,897 --> 00:09:47,536
and you've offended their volcano.
192
00:09:47,537 --> 00:09:49,056
Right. So, what am I gonna do?
193
00:09:49,057 --> 00:09:51,296
You're gonna do
the right thing, Noel.
194
00:09:51,297 --> 00:09:55,297
You're gonna have to sacrifice
someone to the volcano
195
00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:57,136
to make it right again.
196
00:09:57,137 --> 00:09:58,696
Yeah? What if I don't?
197
00:09:58,697 --> 00:10:02,697
Well, if you don't, they said
they're gonna sacrifice you.
198
00:10:05,537 --> 00:10:07,337
Blimey!
199
00:10:07,337 --> 00:10:11,337
Yeah, they're gonna luz you in
the hole like a chicken wishbone.
200
00:10:11,657 --> 00:10:13,017
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
201
00:10:13,017 --> 00:10:17,017
Hey, Noel, you can't just put
a coffee shop on a volcano.
202
00:10:17,137 --> 00:10:19,296
I've already told him that,
ain't I?
203
00:10:19,297 --> 00:10:23,097
What do you think the purpose
of this phone call is?
204
00:10:23,097 --> 00:10:25,457
You think we're just
talking about flowers?
205
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:28,776
Why don't you go and do something
useful like the Pot Noodles?
206
00:10:28,777 --> 00:10:32,576
I'm doing 'em! I just put the water
in and I'm letting 'em stand.
207
00:10:32,577 --> 00:10:35,456
Don't make mine too watery again.
208
00:10:35,457 --> 00:10:39,457
If I wanted soup, I'd go get
soup, you hear me?
209
00:10:47,657 --> 00:10:48,977
Who dat?
210
00:10:48,977 --> 00:10:50,576
That's Danny DeVito.
211
00:10:50,577 --> 00:10:53,496
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Where's he going?
212
00:10:53,497 --> 00:10:54,937
Magaluf.
213
00:10:54,937 --> 00:10:56,976
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
214
00:10:56,977 --> 00:10:59,536
Yeah, as much as I'm enjoying
The Pot Noodle Monologues,
215
00:10:59,537 --> 00:11:03,217
I should probably go
and deal with the locals.
216
00:11:13,407 --> 00:11:16,046
'It's a film!'
217
00:11:16,047 --> 00:11:18,606
It's not big enough
to swing a cat in here.
218
00:11:18,607 --> 00:11:21,966
What's wrong with you? Go to sleep.
219
00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:24,407
I can't go to sleep.
220
00:11:24,407 --> 00:11:28,246
It's a big night tonight.
Paul Panfer's breaking out.
221
00:11:28,247 --> 00:11:30,366
Paul Panfer's not breaking out!
222
00:11:30,367 --> 00:11:33,606
He is too. He's gonna break out.
223
00:11:33,607 --> 00:11:37,167
He's gonna concentrate
on his musical career.
224
00:11:37,167 --> 00:11:40,246
He has a good voice.
225
00:11:40,247 --> 00:11:44,046
He says he's gonna get out,
wait till things settle down,
226
00:11:44,047 --> 00:11:47,966
and then maybe in, like,
five years, come back for me.
227
00:11:47,967 --> 00:11:51,967
He's not coming back for you!
He doesn't even know you, huh?
228
00:11:52,207 --> 00:11:55,446
You just saw him once in the rec room
playing table tennis.
229
00:11:55,447 --> 00:11:57,806
You said hello to him.
He just walked away.
230
00:11:57,807 --> 00:12:01,807
You say that but, as he walked away,
I heard him say really quietly,
231
00:12:03,007 --> 00:12:06,366
"I'm coming back for you...
in five years."
232
00:12:06,367 --> 00:12:09,886
At the time, I didn't know
what he was talking about,
233
00:12:09,887 --> 00:12:12,727
but it all makes sense now.
234
00:12:12,727 --> 00:12:15,247
Paul Panfer's not
getting out of here!
235
00:12:15,248 --> 00:12:17,927
No-one's getting out of here!
236
00:12:19,967 --> 00:12:22,326
What's that noise?
237
00:12:22,327 --> 00:12:25,847
That's the sound the alarm makes
when someone's getting out of here.
238
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,966
Look, it's Paul Panfer.
239
00:12:28,967 --> 00:12:32,647
He's surfing his way to freedom
on the back of a laundry truck.
240
00:12:37,087 --> 00:12:41,087
Don't forget to concentrate
on your music, Paul Panfer!
241
00:12:53,167 --> 00:12:56,006
The fuck. Means we can get out of
here. Ha-ha-ha!
242
00:12:56,007 --> 00:12:58,166
This stuff's made of nothing.
Come on, let's go!
243
00:12:58,167 --> 00:13:01,406
Let's get the fuck out of here!
Paul, wait for us!
244
00:13:01,407 --> 00:13:02,726
Wait! Wait for us, Paul!
245
00:13:02,727 --> 00:13:06,727
We're coming for you!
Oh, fucking hell!
246
00:13:07,007 --> 00:13:09,446
Incredible. Mm.
247
00:13:09,447 --> 00:13:11,766
That is his best film.
248
00:13:11,767 --> 00:13:14,126
What's wrong with you?
Have you gone off Paul Panfer?
249
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,326
No, of course I haven't
gone off Paul Panfer.
250
00:13:16,327 --> 00:13:18,286
I've just got a lot on my mind,
haven't I?
251
00:13:18,287 --> 00:13:22,287
Ah, the volcano sacrifice.
252
00:13:23,967 --> 00:13:26,006
Time's running out, old chap.
253
00:13:26,007 --> 00:13:28,446
Woof! Woof, woof!
254
00:13:28,447 --> 00:13:30,366
Well, just make a decision,
why don't you?
255
00:13:30,367 --> 00:13:33,806
It's not that simple, is it?
Just get rid of Roy Circles.
256
00:13:33,807 --> 00:13:36,126
I am Roy Circles!
257
00:13:36,127 --> 00:13:39,326
I'm the king of my own packet!
258
00:13:39,327 --> 00:13:41,686
Can't get rid of Roy Circles, can I?
259
00:13:41,687 --> 00:13:44,926
He's a schoolteacher.
What about the children's futures?
260
00:13:44,927 --> 00:13:46,326
Noel, he's not a schoolteacher.
261
00:13:46,327 --> 00:13:50,327
He's a chocolate biscuit
who thinks he's a schoolteacher.
262
00:13:50,487 --> 00:13:52,486
I suppose I could sacrifice him.
263
00:13:52,487 --> 00:13:55,206
Just dunk him in the volcano
like it was a big cup of tea.
264
00:13:55,207 --> 00:13:56,846
Yeah, just snap him up
and chuck him in.
265
00:13:56,847 --> 00:13:59,846
What?
Just snap him up and chuck him in.
266
00:13:59,847 --> 00:14:01,926
Noel, there's nothing more
I'd like to do
267
00:14:01,927 --> 00:14:03,766
than sacrifice
myself to a volcano.
268
00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:07,446
I dream of being
reunited with my wife.
269
00:14:07,447 --> 00:14:11,447
Unfortunately, though,
it is sports day tomorrow!
270
00:14:11,927 --> 00:14:15,806
The most important day
for a PE teacher!
271
00:14:15,807 --> 00:14:19,807
And, even if I say it myself,
we are red-hot favourites this year!
272
00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:24,166
We have got, from the African
exchange programme,
273
00:14:24,167 --> 00:14:27,166
Stephen Caheely
in the 10,000 metres!
274
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:30,246
If he doesn't win,
I'll eat my own whistle!
275
00:14:30,247 --> 00:14:34,247
And our secret weapon all the way
from south London, Ian Hartfield!
276
00:14:34,967 --> 00:14:37,766
Although only seven years old
and 18 stone,
277
00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:41,767
he can shift a javelin
like it was an HB pencil!
278
00:14:41,927 --> 00:14:45,927
Ha-ha! Who saw that coming
for the chubby Tooting maestro?
279
00:14:47,447 --> 00:14:51,366
Ah, Roy, I could never sacrifice you.
280
00:14:51,367 --> 00:14:55,367
No, you couldn't. If you want my
advice, I'd probably do Tony Reason.
281
00:14:56,167 --> 00:14:59,886
Why? Well, he's a fish,
ain't he? Fuck him!
282
00:14:59,887 --> 00:15:02,326
Ha-ha! Roy.
283
00:15:02,327 --> 00:15:06,327
Ah.
284
00:15:13,367 --> 00:15:14,966
Oh! All right, Tony?
285
00:15:14,967 --> 00:15:17,166
Before you even open your mouth,
can I just say
286
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,766
I was the first character you
invented for this show?
287
00:15:19,767 --> 00:15:20,806
Yeah, I know.
288
00:15:20,807 --> 00:15:23,246
Yeah, and because of that
you've got a soft spot for me,
289
00:15:23,247 --> 00:15:25,206
a bit like a first-born child.
290
00:15:25,207 --> 00:15:27,806
That's true. Plus, how many
other shows do you know
291
00:15:27,807 --> 00:15:30,966
that have got a talking manta ray
who's a music producer in them?
292
00:15:30,967 --> 00:15:33,966
I know. All right, I can't
sacrifice you. I'm aware of that.
293
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:35,926
Plus, I'm the only
character in the show
294
00:15:35,927 --> 00:15:38,406
with any sort of
cultural integrity,
295
00:15:38,407 --> 00:15:41,766
which moves me on swiftly
to my next point, Paul Panfer.
296
00:15:41,767 --> 00:15:43,926
What about Paul Panfer? Awful.
297
00:15:43,927 --> 00:15:45,366
Never seen so much bilge,
298
00:15:45,367 --> 00:15:48,526
going around ruining
the reputation of Elvis Presley.
299
00:15:48,527 --> 00:15:51,006
I love Paul Panfer.
Shoddy remakes.
300
00:15:51,007 --> 00:15:53,686
Elvis must be spinning in
his grave, quite literally.
301
00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:57,486
Well, the thing is, Tone,
the kids dig Paul Panfer, you know?
302
00:15:57,487 --> 00:16:00,446
He's an internet sensation.
Can't fight progress.
303
00:16:00,447 --> 00:16:02,406
Well, if that's what the kids are
digging,
304
00:16:02,407 --> 00:16:03,686
I don't want any part of it.
305
00:16:03,687 --> 00:16:06,526
Come on, that's not true. Everyone
knows you're down with the kids.
306
00:16:06,527 --> 00:16:08,246
You work with Rizzle Kicks,
don't you?
307
00:16:08,247 --> 00:16:10,366
Rizzle Kicks live
in the same street as me,
308
00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:14,246
so occasionally I pay them some
extra pocket money to clean my car.
309
00:16:14,247 --> 00:16:16,646
It's not really the same thing, is
it? No, I suppose.
310
00:16:16,647 --> 00:16:20,246
What am I gonna do?
I've got to sacrifice someone.
311
00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:23,166
Well, if you want my opinion,
I'd sacrifice New York Cop.
312
00:16:23,167 --> 00:16:24,326
Really? Why?
313
00:16:24,327 --> 00:16:27,846
Well, he's American, isn't he?
Not the same as us, are they?
314
00:16:27,847 --> 00:16:31,847
Bit racist.
315
00:16:36,167 --> 00:16:38,966
Look, the thing is, Raymond...
316
00:16:38,967 --> 00:16:42,206
...you know, the locals
have really forced my hand
317
00:16:42,207 --> 00:16:45,206
and someone's gonna have to
be sacrificed to the volcano,
318
00:16:45,207 --> 00:16:47,966
and unfortunately
that someone is you.
319
00:16:47,967 --> 00:16:50,406
Let me tell you something about
Hawaii. It has the highest
320
00:16:50,407 --> 00:16:52,726
crime rate in the world.
Are you aware of that? Really?
321
00:16:52,727 --> 00:16:55,526
Oh, yeah. Very bad place,
very bad place.
322
00:16:55,527 --> 00:16:59,166
You take me out of the equation,
who's gonna police the area?
323
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:02,526
I predict very bad things,
very bad things indeed.
324
00:17:02,527 --> 00:17:06,527
What kind of things?
Parking offences. Fraud. Robbery.
325
00:17:06,687 --> 00:17:09,406
The other day, the Mayor
was kidnapped in broad daylight,
326
00:17:09,407 --> 00:17:11,126
taken back to some guy's shed
327
00:17:11,127 --> 00:17:14,686
and forced to drink Tizer
at knife-point.
328
00:17:14,687 --> 00:17:17,126
Three cans! Three cans, I tell you!
329
00:17:17,127 --> 00:17:20,006
The guy was full and gassy, too.
330
00:17:20,007 --> 00:17:23,206
Well, I had no idea
that Hawaii was so dangerous.
331
00:17:23,207 --> 00:17:24,406
Oh, yeah.
332
00:17:24,407 --> 00:17:25,966
And with me out of the equation,
333
00:17:25,967 --> 00:17:28,326
there'll be no-one left
to solve these crimes.
334
00:17:28,327 --> 00:17:32,327
What about Magnum,
you fat son of a bitch?
335
00:17:32,447 --> 00:17:34,166
Jesus, I forgot about Magnum!
336
00:17:34,167 --> 00:17:36,806
OK, um... take Hooper!
He's hopeless anyway!
337
00:17:36,807 --> 00:17:40,166
Oh, I can't believe you'd
sell me down the river like that.
338
00:17:40,167 --> 00:17:41,326
Where is Hooper?
339
00:17:41,327 --> 00:17:44,406
Hooper likes to ride in the trunk.
He feels better in there.
340
00:17:44,407 --> 00:17:48,407
OK. The thing is, it's Magnum
that's the problem, you know?
341
00:17:48,567 --> 00:17:50,606
He's one of the locals.
He's the main local.
342
00:17:50,607 --> 00:17:52,686
You know I went
to rookie college with him?
343
00:17:52,687 --> 00:17:55,246
Hooper! Went to rookie college
with Magnum, didn't I?
344
00:17:55,247 --> 00:17:56,286
Don't answer that!
345
00:17:56,287 --> 00:17:58,446
I went to rookie college
with that guy,
346
00:17:58,447 --> 00:18:02,086
ah... before he turned his back
on the force and became a PI.
347
00:18:02,087 --> 00:18:03,126
I hated him.
348
00:18:03,127 --> 00:18:07,127
You were jealous of him cos you look
like him, only a fatter version!
349
00:18:08,207 --> 00:18:09,246
You shut up.
350
00:18:09,247 --> 00:18:12,446
Ha-ha! Plus he dated
Mrs Boombox before you did.
351
00:18:12,447 --> 00:18:13,726
Everyone knows that.
352
00:18:13,727 --> 00:18:15,846
OK, look!
Now, let's get one thing clear.
353
00:18:15,847 --> 00:18:17,526
They went on one date together
354
00:18:17,527 --> 00:18:20,286
in the daytime
to the boat propeller museum, OK?
355
00:18:20,287 --> 00:18:23,206
And they only held hands
for like, two seconds, maximum!
356
00:18:23,207 --> 00:18:25,686
Mrs Boombox assures me
of those facts!
357
00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:27,966
In fact, she offered to
take a lie-detector test!
358
00:18:27,967 --> 00:18:30,846
I'm sure she did. All right,
look, I'll do a deal with you.
359
00:18:30,847 --> 00:18:33,126
You take care of Magnum
and the locals, yeah,
360
00:18:33,127 --> 00:18:36,406
and I won't sacrifice
you or trunk boy.
361
00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:38,006
OK, I'll take the case.
362
00:18:38,007 --> 00:18:39,206
Great, but can you hurry up,
363
00:18:39,207 --> 00:18:41,886
cos there's, like, seven minutes
until the end of the episode?
364
00:18:41,887 --> 00:18:45,086
I'm just waiting for you to leave
and then I will snap into action.
365
00:18:45,087 --> 00:18:46,407
Bye.
366
00:18:50,847 --> 00:18:52,686
Hooper, has he gone?
Fuck you, fat man.
367
00:18:52,687 --> 00:18:56,086
OK, let's watch Paul Panfer films.
368
00:18:56,087 --> 00:18:58,967
? Pick up a Panfer! ?
369
00:18:58,967 --> 00:19:02,967
I love this guy.
He is an internet sensation. Ha-ha!
370
00:19:03,607 --> 00:19:05,127
? La, la, la-la-la-la! ?
371
00:19:05,127 --> 00:19:07,046
What's wrong with you?
372
00:19:07,047 --> 00:19:08,086
I couldn't do it.
373
00:19:08,087 --> 00:19:11,166
I couldn't sacrifice
Tony Reason or New York Cop.
374
00:19:11,167 --> 00:19:12,806
I mean, I love those guys. Noel.
375
00:19:12,807 --> 00:19:14,846
I think I know why
you couldn't do it.
376
00:19:14,847 --> 00:19:16,126
Why?
377
00:19:16,127 --> 00:19:18,366
It is because you play those
characters.
378
00:19:18,367 --> 00:19:20,566
It'd be like killing
a part of yourself.
379
00:19:20,567 --> 00:19:22,886
I never looked at it like that. Mm.
380
00:19:22,887 --> 00:19:26,887
If I can't sacrifice a character
I play, who does that leave?
381
00:19:29,927 --> 00:19:31,006
Oh, you three.
382
00:19:31,007 --> 00:19:34,206
Well done, Andy.
Oh, you tit.
383
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:35,526
No, don't blame me.
384
00:19:35,527 --> 00:19:37,966
No, I'm not the one that put the
coffee shop on the volcano.
385
00:19:37,967 --> 00:19:39,126
I warned him.
386
00:19:39,127 --> 00:19:40,606
There's only one tit here,
387
00:19:40,607 --> 00:19:43,686
and it's that tit there,
the tit with the hair!
388
00:19:43,687 --> 00:19:47,687
Yeah, OK. Look, the thing is,
somebody's got to be sacrificed, OK?
389
00:19:48,287 --> 00:19:50,446
I'm gonna interview you three
and make a decision.
390
00:19:50,447 --> 00:19:54,447
I mean, come on, it could be fun,
like The Hawaiian Apprentice.
391
00:19:55,287 --> 00:19:59,287
Yeah, no-one dies
in The Apprentice, Noel.
392
00:20:02,807 --> 00:20:06,807
OK, Smooth, why shouldn't
I sacrifice you?
393
00:20:07,207 --> 00:20:09,366
Well, firstly, I do all the work
in the coffee shop,
394
00:20:09,367 --> 00:20:10,886
plus we're brothers in real life,
395
00:20:10,887 --> 00:20:13,406
so if you did sacrifice me,
Mum would kill you.
396
00:20:13,407 --> 00:20:15,326
That is true. Andy?
397
00:20:15,327 --> 00:20:18,246
Um... mm. Well, er... on... on Friday,
398
00:20:18,247 --> 00:20:20,086
I'm having a sleepover.
You could come.
399
00:20:20,087 --> 00:20:23,606
Picasso will be there,
with Miro and Salvador Dali.
400
00:20:23,607 --> 00:20:24,726
Really?
401
00:20:24,727 --> 00:20:27,926
Yes, the Spanish boys.
402
00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:30,606
Right. And what sort of things
would we be getting up to?
403
00:20:30,607 --> 00:20:32,926
We'll be eating tapas.
404
00:20:32,927 --> 00:20:34,606
Oh, I love tapas.
405
00:20:34,607 --> 00:20:37,526
Right, Dolly,
why shouldn't I sacrifice you?
406
00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:40,406
Please don't sacrifice me, Noel,
please!
407
00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:42,326
Please do not sacrifice me.
408
00:20:42,327 --> 00:20:43,926
Please!
409
00:20:43,927 --> 00:20:46,006
Can you stop begging? It's so uncool.
410
00:20:46,007 --> 00:20:48,486
No, that's where you're wrong.
Begging's come back in.
411
00:20:48,487 --> 00:20:49,646
I didn't know that.
412
00:20:49,647 --> 00:20:51,686
Exactly. There's lots of things
you don't know.
413
00:20:51,687 --> 00:20:54,207
I tell you what's cool
and what's not cool. You need me.
414
00:20:54,208 --> 00:20:58,007
OK. So, cool. Tapas.
Mum's gonna kill me.
415
00:21:01,567 --> 00:21:04,766
Ah, look, I can't do it. You're my
three best friends in the world.
416
00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:07,286
I mean, I can't sacrifice
one of you lot.
417
00:21:07,287 --> 00:21:11,287
What are we gonna do? I dunno.
Let's just get out of here.
418
00:21:12,127 --> 00:21:15,446
Hold it right there.
419
00:21:15,447 --> 00:21:17,807
Time's up, I'm afraid, old boy.
420
00:21:24,487 --> 00:21:26,766
OK, you had until
the end of the episode
421
00:21:26,767 --> 00:21:29,006
to sacrifice someone
to the volcano.
422
00:21:29,007 --> 00:21:30,286
You failed,
423
00:21:30,287 --> 00:21:34,047
so now you and the rest of your
staff will all be sacrificed.
424
00:21:36,167 --> 00:21:39,326
This is like the SCUM Manifesto
all over again.
425
00:21:39,327 --> 00:21:41,886
Looks a bit warm in there.
426
00:21:41,887 --> 00:21:45,886
I can't believe this is how I'm
gonna die, sacrificed to a volcano.
427
00:21:45,887 --> 00:21:47,887
It's so uncool.
428
00:21:51,007 --> 00:21:52,086
Basoo!
429
00:21:52,087 --> 00:21:56,087
Look, it's Paul Panfer!
Must have got my letter.
430
00:21:56,327 --> 00:21:58,046
Paul, over here!
431
00:21:58,047 --> 00:21:59,927
? You are a panther... ?
432
00:21:59,927 --> 00:22:02,006
Who are you? What's happening?
433
00:22:02,007 --> 00:22:05,126
Argh!
434
00:22:05,127 --> 00:22:07,327
Basoo!
435
00:22:09,727 --> 00:22:13,086
Oh, my God! Paul Panfer
has fallen into the volcano!
436
00:22:13,087 --> 00:22:17,087
What a dick!
437
00:22:19,527 --> 00:22:20,806
Freeze!
438
00:22:20,807 --> 00:22:22,926
You're too late.
Paul Panfer's already saved us.
439
00:22:22,927 --> 00:22:26,166
Where's Magnum?
I think his head is over there.
440
00:22:26,167 --> 00:22:28,366
Mind if I keep this?
441
00:22:28,367 --> 00:22:29,646
What for?
442
00:22:29,647 --> 00:22:32,686
Wear it home, surprise Mrs Boombox.
443
00:22:32,687 --> 00:22:34,006
That's a bit perverse, innit?
444
00:22:34,007 --> 00:22:37,447
Listen to me, Noel, when you've
been married for 25 years,
445
00:22:37,448 --> 00:22:40,607
you do what you gotta do to
keep things spicy in the bedroom.
446
00:22:40,607 --> 00:22:43,006
I'm talking boner times.
447
00:22:43,007 --> 00:22:44,366
Fair enough.
448
00:22:44,367 --> 00:22:46,206
Oh! What is happening?
449
00:22:46,207 --> 00:22:48,086
Ah, ho-ho-ho!
450
00:22:48,087 --> 00:22:49,526
Look, it's Paul Panfer!
451
00:22:49,527 --> 00:22:51,446
Basoo!
452
00:22:51,447 --> 00:22:55,447
? Pick up a panther... ?
453
00:22:57,247 --> 00:23:01,247
Paul Panfer, you single-handedly
kept my legacy alive.
454
00:23:01,567 --> 00:23:04,006
You have re-imagined all my films
for a new generation.
455
00:23:04,007 --> 00:23:06,006
I love you, Paul Panfer.
456
00:23:06,007 --> 00:23:09,487
Surf into my arms. Come to Mama,
Paul Panfer. Come to Mama.
457
00:23:09,488 --> 00:23:12,246
Basoo!
458
00:23:12,247 --> 00:23:15,447
Basoo!
459
00:23:15,472 --> 00:23:38,783
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
460
00:23:39,327 --> 00:23:41,526
I'm Danny DeVito. I'm Danny DeVito.
461
00:23:41,527 --> 00:23:44,167
I'm Danny DeVito. I'm...
I'm Danny DeVito.
462
00:23:44,217 --> 00:23:48,767
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