Original subtitles

I'm going on holiday.

To the Europe.

My little Europa.

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

Good morning, good morning.

Guess what day it is?

♪ You know that I love you baby

- It's holiday day. - Europe day.

Packing up the old les bagages.

♪ Baby

♪ Baby

♪ Baby Oh ho ho oh

♪ Baby

♪ Baby

♪ You know it's time Oh yeah baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ Oh ho ho oh

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know it's time Oh yeah baby

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ Oh ho ho oh

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know that I love you baby

♪ You know it's time Oh yeah ♪

- Look, it's not, it's not you. - Ta!

- It... - Ta! Don't do that.

I get it.

I get it.

We are a half hour into a ten day trip around Europe.

And you decide now is a good time to bring it up.

I'm wearing shorts, yeah?

With these legs.

I spent about 20 quid on sun cream.

That's like...

That's ten pound per leg.

I spent three weeks growing this beard.

This here beard.

Cultivating it.

Length.

And now you decide to tell me

you don't like it.

Okay, I'm very sorry.

I didn't know it meant that much to you.

I grew this beard because it's trendy.

It makes me trendy.

You're not trendy.

You're just jealous 'cause you can't grow a beard.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you know what I can do?

I can grow everything else.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, I just won't shave anything.

For... the rest of the trip?

You know, not my, not my legs.

Not my armpits.

Not my vagina.

But what do you hope to achieve by doing that?

Nothing.

You're just being childish.

Fine.

I'm not shaving.

That'll do. Just a little trim.

Hello, Mum. No.

Bow chicka wow wow.

Oh, stop it.

- What are you doing? - What?

You're filming me?

I thought that's why we bought the camera.

No, we did not buy a GoPro to film a sex tape.

- Then why did we buy it? - You know why we bought it.

To document our trip.

Oh, brilliant.

- Is that it, then? - What do you think?

- But I've got a hard-on. - Good night, Chris.

I love you.

Now you're putting me off, mate.

You're putting me right off.

Just me and you now.

Welcome to France.

Bonjour.

Ca va?

Shower cap in France.

Didn't think to put on pants?

I panicked.

Here we are in Paris.

Bonsoir.

- Oh, bonjour! - Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Well, Nice seems lovely.

Don't start, Chris. I'm not in the mood.

- For what? - For you being a sarcy twat.

Sorry.

Do people actually live in Nice?

What did I say?

It's late. Everyone's in bed, which is where we should be.

Should we just start walking or something?

Walking where?

I don't know, find the nearest hostel.

What, just walk in a random direction

- and hope to find a hostel? - Yeah.

What do you think, left or right?

Left?

We'll go right, then.

- Bonsoir. - Bonsoir.

Um, you got a room for the night?

Nice eyes.

Thanks.

There are tours...

Is that your boyfriend?

Yeah.

It's cozy, innit?

Brilliant.

Lucy?

♪ Lucy

Lucy?

What?

Well... I was thinking,

while I'm up here...

Chris, you are literally 5 foot off the ground.

I know, but...

You can drown in an inch of water.

What's that got to do with anything?

Well I was thinking...

What if I do a wizz in the middle of the night,

and it trickles down into your mouth and drowns you?

Do you ever think about anything you say

before you actually say it?

Not really. No.

Our lives would just be

really long, awkward silences, wouldn't they?

Trust me, it's just as awkward without them.

Lucy?

I do love you.

I do love you.

Night, Lucy.

Night, Chris.

Should we get a hotel? No, get a hostel.

Equality.

Okay, now.

Okay. I love you.

Bye. Bye.

Um, thanks.

No worries.

Do you wanna boom-boom?

Excuse me?

Um...

No.

Chris?

What?

The guy downstairs just asked me

if I wanted to boom-boom him.

He did what?

Fucking boom-boom my girlfriend.

Foreign prick.

Defending someone's honor in a minute.

How rude.

How fucking rude.

Scuzi.

Did you just ask to boom-boom my girlfriend?

- Yeah. - Just like that?

Not even gonna deny it?

Why would I deny it?

'Cause she's my girlfriend.

- I want to boom-boom her. - Stop saying that.

I'm gonna boom-boom you.

- You wanna fuck me? - No.

Boom-boom. Boom-boom you up.

- Are you gay? - What? No.

I don't want to boom-boom you.

I want to boom-boom you up.

- Smash your face in. Kick your arse. - Kiss?

- Kick. - Lick?

Not lick, kick.

- Are you guy? - No, I'm not gay.

It's okay. Does your girlfriend know?

Say I'm gay again. Go on, I dare you.

I double dare you.

Gay.

- Get off, - Get up!

Don't pull it!

Ow!

Oh, my God!

Lucy, he won't let me go.

Chris, what the fuck are you doing?

So?

They put a finger up my arse.

You get into a fight and they put a finger up my arse.

How does that work?

Oh, my God!

- Are you okay? - It's not funny.

And they fine me.

- Five hundred euro. - Five hundred euros?

Well, that's like half our budget.

- I know. - It's mental.

Shit. What are we gonna do?

I think I dislodged my anus.

Is that even possible?

Chris, come on. This is serious.

I'm being serious.

Five hundred euros for a finger up me arse.

And the French have got big fingers.

Look, I'll see if my mom can transfer that money.

- You think she will? - Of course she will.

All right then. Okay.

Hold on.

Yeah. Right, brilliant.

I love you. Love you. Bye, bye.

What's that?

It's all they had.

Oh, give it here.

Well?

She wasn't in. I left a message.

Oh, great so we just sort of stand here

and wait until she ring us back, then, shall we, dickhead?

I left a message explaining the situation.

Also to transfer 500 euros into our account.

Said I'd call back a bit later.

I should really get some credit for this thing.

Dick brain.

You tell her you got arrested?

It was a message. I left a message.

Yeah, but how did you say that we lost the money?

It was a message.

But what did you say?

It was a message.

Do you not understand the concept of a message?

You're trying to be funny?

Just had a finger up my arse, yeah?

Just had to ring my mum to ask for some money.

If that's not funny then what is?

All right, fine.

What do you wanna do until then?

- All right, pub? - Pub.

You know, I was talking to my mum

and she thinks that a trip like this

is gonna make us or break us.

- Oh, really? - Mmm-hmm.

What about you?

Do you think same as your mum?

I think that we've been together for quite long time, so.

I think if we can't last a couple of weeks together,

we're up shit creek, really, aren't we?

Right, then.

Let's say we drink a couple of these bad boys and...

have a look around this shit hole.

- Orange gina. - Orangina.

Orange gina.

Listen to me. Orangina.

Listen to me. Orange gina.

How can you not hear that that's not the same?

Allo. Uh, order.

Oh. Check this out.

We would like to order some lunch,

s'il vous plait.

Come again?

Um...

I will let my girlfriend take over from me.

All yours.

Um...

Yeah, oui, mate.

Kapti proti pu.

D'accord.

Merci.

What did you order, anyway?

Just the four fish, then?

Fucking hell, it's beautiful, isn't it?

Which I can't believe we just found it.

I-I can't believe I'm seeing it with you.

Shut up!

No, I wouldn't do anything like this without you, would I?

'Cause I'm, like, just a fucking idiot all the time.

Poncing around like a bloody dinosaur.

Run away, run away.

Oh, you make me laugh, you idiot.

After you.

I can't see any al fresco on this menu.

What? What do you mean?

Al fresco.

A mate wanted to eat al fresco

when you go to a foreign land.

Yeah, but Chris, you know that's not a dish, right?

That's just eating outside.

- Oh. - Yeah.

- Fucking hell. - Thought it was some sort of salad.

Oh, okay we're in. We're in. How do, how we do this?

Just, just kiss me.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Fuck me in the toilet.

We've never done that.

I've got a dress on so it'll be really easy.

Just hike it up. You know what I mean?

Okay.

- Shit. Ah. - Ah, shit.

Oh, you look amazing. Ah, shit.

- Yeah, shit. - Yeah.

- Oh, shit. - Oh, my God.

I can't believe we're doing this.

Oh, shit. Ah, shit.

- Oh shit, oh shit. Oh shit! - Ah shit, yeah.

- Oh shit. Oh... - What you mean? What you mean?

Oh my God! Shit!

- Oh, shit. - Look I love you, but I can't unsee this.

- Oh! I need to get out. - No.

- I need to get out. - No.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't you dare!

- I've got to get out. - No! No.

- Don't you dare get out! - I've got to get out.

- You can't... Chris, stop! - I've got to get out.

- Stop, stop... - I've got to get out.

Please, I've got it pouring out of me.

- Oh! - Oh, God!

Ugh, it's so bad.

No! Stop it.

Stop it. Oh, God!

Ah, it's still coming. God, it's still coming.

It's like lava.

Ugh, oh, God!

Oh, my God, I cannot believe

that we just got chucked off a train. Fuck!

It's not like having a shit's illegal.

Well, it should be.

I've never smelled anything like that.

Oh, thanks for the sympathy.

How can I sympathize with that shit?

I'm hungry.

- Can you pass me your bag? - Why?

I want to get a chocolate bar.

Ugh, God, can't you just wait for the train?

It's like a four hour wait.

Ugh, don't wanna get them out of my bag.

You ate them all, didn't you?

What?

You ate all the chocolate bars.

No, I did not eat all the fucking chocolate bars!

You so did. That's your lying face.

I don't have a lying face.

Everybody has a lying face, and that's yours.

All right, maybe I did eat a few.

I was hungry in the night.

Fucking hell!

There were like ten chocolate bars in there.

No wonder you shit yourself.

There were not like ten chocolate bars in there.

- How many were there, then? - I don't know.

Nine?

You ate nine whole chocolate bars?

Well, two of them were Freddos

and we all know that Freddos aren't really proper chocolate bars, are they?

You ate the Freddos?

You know I love a Freddo.

It's my favorite.

Did you even think about me while you were doing it?

Oh, come on, Chris! I wasn't fucking someone.

I was hungry and I had some chocolate.

Some chocolate?

Some chocolate?

A couple of Roses at Christmas is some chocolate.

A line of Fruit & Nut is some chocolate.

Nine chocolate bars

is a whole fucking entire universe of chocolate.

Oh, well, thank God you're not being dramatic about it.

Dramatic?

You always do this, make me out to be dramatic.

You'd do the same if the boot was on the other foot.

No, I wouldn't.

You so would. You so would.

Do I have to remind you about nacho-gate?

Oh, no, you don't have to remind me, because you know why?

We always, always go back to fucking nacho-gate

and you throw them right in my face

anytime we have this argument.

It was an accident

and you didn't speak to me for three whole days.

Yes, because it was an idiotic thing to do!

I sat on some nachos!

And not only that, they were cheap nachos.

Does it have anything to do with how cheap they were?

It's a matter of principles.

Do nachos have principles?

- Human beings do! - Human beings?

Have you actually heard the words that are coming out your mouth right now?

Yeah, I have, actually. And do you wanna hear another thing?

You are a stupid, imbecilic, lazy, big-toed,

hairy lips, slightly stretchy,

- one-balled... - Oh!

- ...dead-eyed, little buggy... - Oh!

...massive nosed,

- fucking... - Mmm.

- ...hairy... - Mmm.

- ...bollocked dick! - Yeah?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Well, hear this!

You ponder about like a fucking snail!

You juice like a snail, you smell like a snail.

Do you know what? Hear this!

You are a little, snidey, curly-haired,

slightly balding, slightly disgusting prick!

Yeah? Well, hear this.

You, you, you,

boo, boo, boo, boo, boo,

constant fucking moan,

year round moan,

centuries of moaning.

You are a sprouty eye-browed,

sprouty nose-haired,

stupid, slightly imbecilic,

little bit of a fucking old man.

But do you know what? You wanna hear another thing, too?

You are a lopsided, cross-eyed,

red-nosed little buck tooth Wrigley's Extra little prick!

Yeah?

Well, you're a moany, hairy-legged,

mooncuppy bitch!

Really?

Really? You really went there.

- Did you actually just say that? - Yes.

- Yes, I did. - Oh, well, well done.

Well done. Goodbye.

She'll come back.

♪ You were in the sun that day

♪ Looking for the way

♪ I hope

♪ That you'd stay

♪ You were in the sun that day

♪ Looking for the way

♪ Oh, I need you, my love

♪ Oh, I need you

♪ Oh, I need you, my love

♪ So I won't lose my way

♪ Oh, I won't lose my way

What are you doing?

I'm dancing!

I can see that. But...

I think maybe we should go.

What? Why?

Because...

every guy in here wants to do it with you.

Especially him.

You think? Is that a bad thing?

Well, it doesn't sit that well with me, to be honest, no.

Well, look,

we've got at least three hours until our train, right?

- Yes. - Right?

So what do you wanna do?

Sit out there in the cold?

Or would you wanna come down here

and have a hot dance with me?

Uh...

Come on!

But do you remember the first time you saw me?

- When you actually saw me? - No.

Of course I do!

It was on Facebook.

I was stalking you.

- What? - Yeah.

Like a pervert.

- Ugh, people do that? - Yeah, no...

I sort of found a bikini picture...

It was... I think...

I think I saw you on Mike's profile.

It was, like, a group photo.

Oh, really?

- Mmm. - And what did you think?

I thought you were the loveliest girl

I'd ever seen.

- Really? - Yeah.

And what about now?

- Honestly? - Mmm-hmm.

I think you've let yourself go a little bit.

Oh, come on! I'm joking.

Everyone knows I'm punching.

Punching above my weight.

You're gorgeous.

You're everything in the right place.

Apart from that bit of shit in your teeth.

- Oh, what? Have I? - Yeah.

You've always got something in them grotbags, haven't you?

What? No.

- It's in the corner. - Get it.

Your left molar.

There you go.

See, don't say I don't do anything for you.

Well, you don't.

- What? - You don't!

I just picked some shit out of your teeth.

And... Oh, so you know those

pictures that I said I was gonna put up for the last three months?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah?

Well, as soon as we get home, I'm going to do it.

Are you?

- No. - No? What? Why?

I haven't got a hammer.

Well, you can always buy a hammer.

What for?

Well, you probably need it for all the hamming you're gonna be doing.

I think you'll find that it's called hammering.

Jesus, woman, do you know nothing about DIY?

Woman!

Well, you know nothing about women, man!

What was the last thing you bought me?

Uh...

Well, a lovely underwear set.

What, the crotchess pants?

Wasn't to start with, was it?

Babe, I don't want crotchess pants, do I?

I want flowers, and chocolates, and diamonds.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hold your horses!

No, no, no, no.

Not weddings, Chris.

- Don't lose your shit. - Aye.

Just, you know, a little, little, little tiny something,

just a little something,

just a little, tiny something

so I know you care about me sometimes.

- What... - Just a little.

What, you think I don't care about you?

No, I think you care about me.

Good.

You should think yourself lucky.

And stop your moaning.

How long have we been in here?

I don't know.

I feel like it...

- There was a train we were supposed to... - Fuck!

- Oh, fuck! - Oh, fuck!

Buongiorno!

Buongiorno, Milano!

- We made it to Italia. - Yeah.

We're here. The home of fashion.

♪ Fashion

♪ Fashion, fashion

I don't... I've got nothing to rhyme with that.

Hello!

So, we're in Milan.

Having a nice time.

Lucy's just popped into the, uh...

pharmacy. Get some lady bits.

Thought we'd get a shaver.

Sort that rat out.

Never seen anything like it.

Hello, Lucy's Mum.

So, uh...

we're having a lovely time.

Had a little slip up in Nice.

Nothing too much to worry about, though. Sort of all right.

- And, uh... - What are you doing?

...we're off to Venice. Hello!

The love of my life.

Right, come on.

We need to find a loo somewhere, okay?

Okay.

Probably needs a shit.

See you soon.

It's beautiful, innit?

It really is.

Oh!

Oh, phone's ringing. The old Mom. Oh!

Lucy.

Lucy, Lucy.

I don't think we're gonna fix that.

Don't you?

Really?

Not smashed up, is it?

We're just gonna have to

find a payphone and ring your mum.

- How? - What do you mean, how?

Well, I don't know my mum's number.

You... You don't know your own mum's number?

I don't know anyone's number.

Once I put it in my phone once, that's it.

My mum's number just becomes "Mum" every time she calls me.

Well, haven't you got it written down somewhere?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

In my phone.

So how are you gonna get in touch with her, then?

Well...

do you remember when I said we should bring your phone?

How's that gonna help?

Well, you could ring your mum and ask her to call my mum.

How is she going to do that?

Well, doesn't your mum have my mum's number?

No.

They've literally met twice.

And your mum got so pissed

that she threw up all over my mum's shoes.

Classic Heller.

- Can we e-mail her? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

Let me just whip out me laptop.

Well, I don't mean now.

- I mean, tomorrow or something. - Oh.

My mum has no idea what an e-mail is.

So what are we going to do then?

I don't know, carrier pigeon?

♪ Down all day

♪ Up all night

Hey, you.

We'd like a room, please.

Sure thing. A single?

Oh, no. A... A double.

A double?

Oh, right. Traveling with a girlfriend.

Uh, yeah.

Why did you say "ugh" like that?

- It wasn't like "ugh," was it? - Yeah, it was.

- Can I see your passports? - Yeah.

Cute.

Thanks.

- Are you being serious? - What?

So is it just for the one night?

Yes, yeah, just the one night.

Such a shame.

Well, breakfast is at 9:00. It's an extra 10 euros,

but come and see me, I'll sort you out.

Thanks.

It's still gonna be 10 euros for you.

Oh.

Room 8, just take the lift to the second floor.

Thanks.

I'll be here all night if you need anything.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay.

That's lovely. Fantastic.

That was a bit weird, wasn't it?

Chris.

Chris?

Ow.

Ow!

What happened?

Oh, hi, honey.

Did you punch me in the head?

What? No.

It feels like you punched me in the head.

Well, I didn't.

If you had have punched me in the head...

would you lie about it?

Yes.

Yes, I would.

See...

now that you've said you would lie about it,

that makes me think that you did punch me in the head.

Yeah, I...

I can see why it would look like that.

And knock me out?

You may have blacked out for a little bit.

A little bit?

Well... Well, how long?

About an hour.

An hour?

Well, how did I get on the bed?

I carried you.

You carried me?

Yeah, I thought you'd think that you just fell asleep or something.

Oh, nice.

Right, so just to clarify,

you did punch me in the head.

Yeah.

Right.

- Where are you going? - I'm going for a walk.

Well, it's really late.

Yeah? Well, I'd probably be safer out there than I will in here,

you violent assaultist.

See you later, Rocky Balboa.

Hi.

- Oh, hi. - Do you want one?

Ooh.

Don't mind if I do.

Like a cheeky old fag.

Cigarettes.

Hmm.

- You okay? - Yep. I'm... I'm Chris.

Carli.

Thanks.

Um... Am I bleeding?

Bleeding? No. Why?

What did you do?

My girlfriend punched me.

- She did? - Yeah.

Why?

Probably because of you.

Because of me?

Mmm, what did I do?

Well...

she thought you were flirting with me.

I was.

Oh.

That'll...

That'd be why she was annoyed, then.

So how long have you guys been together?

Uh...

Going on a year and a half.

- You happy? - Um...

Yeah. Yeah, we'd...

We have the occasional spat.

You gonna get married?

Well, I don't know about that.

What about you? Have you got a fella, a chap?

No. All alone.

Oh, I find that hard to believe.

It's true. No one wants me.

I find that even harder to believe.

Truth is, I get bored easy.

Yeah. The old boredom.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Sets in, doesn't it?

Life's too short for just one cock.

What?

I mean, what...

What if it's, uh... What if it's great, a great cock?

What's your definition of a great cock?

I don't know.

A long, wide...

girthy one, you know, a nice one. That's nice.

- Is that what yours is like? - Mine?

- Yeah. - Uh...

I mean, mine's like okay, I suppose.

- Show me. - What?

Show me.

- Excuse me? - Oh, come on.

I promise I'm not gonna touch it.

I know, but...

I've got a girlfriend.

One who punches you in the face.

Only the once.

Do you wanna fuck me, Chris?

Ooh.

It's a nice... Nice thing to say, isn't it? But, uh...

You know, I'm sure that'd be lovely. Very...

extravagant, yeah. Excellent night's work.

And nice fun, but...

You know, it's just I've got...

I wasn't offering.

I'm simply asking if it's something that you'd want to do.

Oh, right, yes.

Yeah. It's more of an offer not on the table, but...

Chris!

Ooh, ooh.

- Fuck. What the fuck, Chris? - What the fuck, Chris!

Oh, my God!

"Oh, my God, I'm so fucking cute.

"I've got really pointy nipples and I'm so fucking cute." Chris!

Oh, my God! Oh, God!

Fuck.

That's it. That's it.

Can't do this anymore.

Oh, my God, I need to get of here.

Get me out of this fucking game!

Shit, shit, shit.

Oh, my God.

Lucy!

- Lucy. - Fuck off!

You'll never believe what just happened.

I threw up on the stairs.

Do you think I should tell someone about that?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I don't know. I think I'm just not as fit as I used to be.

My chest hurts.

- Think I should sit down a bit. - No!

I'm not talking about that, Chris.

You kissed another girl!

I didn't, though.

You did! I just fucking saw you!

I just saw you.

She kissed me.

I had nothing to do with it.

A... Americans are strong, aren't they? Like...

No, it wasn't your fault, was it? It never is!

- What do you mean? - I mean, Chris,

you never take responsibility for anything.

You just bumble through life.

"I'm Chris. I'm really funny.

"And nothing is ever my fault."

When the fuck are you going to grow up?

I said I'm sorry.

That's just it.

You haven't...

You haven't said you're sorry, not once.

And you know what?

I don't think I want to do this anymore.

I think I'm done.

I'm done.

Done?

- Yeah. - What...

What does "done" mean?

It means I'm done.

Done. Done. Done. Done.

Done.

♪ Dun, dun ta dun dun Dun, dun ta dun dun

♪ Dun, dun ta dun dun Dun, dun ta dun

You know it.

♪ Dun, dun ta dun dun

♪ Ru tu tu tu du Ta ta da ta ♪

Lucy.

She'll be back.

Hi.

What I get you?

- Just a Coke, please. - Bene.

Thanks.

Just stick with the sausage, Chris.

Stick with the sausage and chips.

Hey.

I'm Adriana.

Lucy.

What the fuck is that?

Looks like some sort of...

pregnancy test, isn't it?

Oh, well.

No.

It's all in fucking Italian.

So, what happened then?

What?

How come you're in a bar all on your own?

Uh, I had an argument with my boyfriend.

About what?

He kissed another girl.

I mean, he...

He said that she kissed him,

and therefore, it wasn't his fault.

And you don't believe him?

Well I mean, she was really hot.

So?

So it literally took him about six months

to build up the courage to kiss me.

He's known this girl for...

six seconds?

And he could've stopped it?

Um, yes, he could've stopped it.

What? It's not that hard, is it?

Okay.

So, you were supposed to stop me.

Okay.

Well, cool. Sorry.

So, he could be telling the truth.

I mean, yeah.

Yeah, I guess he could be.

Oh, my...

Well, I mean,

that's not the only thing that fucks me off about him.

Okay. So, tell me.

Um, well, he is...

He's very childish.

Um, I mean, like, extremely childish.

And he's just,

he's got no... no passion for anything,

no drive at all.

He doesn't smoke but he definitely drinks too much

and he masturbates a lot.

Yeah, it's weird.

And what do you love about him?

Well...

Um...

Okay. So it shouldn't be taking this long.

No, I know. I know.

But there is stuff.

- Obviously there is stuff. - Stuff?

You use the word "stuff"

to describe the man you're in love with?

Yeah, that's not good, is it?

So, what are you going to do now, then?

Um... I think I'll just go home.

Where's home?

- London. - London?

I live in London.

I'm currently on a placement year here.

Oh, my God, it's such a small world, isn't it?

Well, what were you doing here?

We were supposed to be

on a 10-day trip around Europe.

So, why would you go home then?

That's the last thing you should do.

Why?

You don't need him to

go to a coffee shop with

or go to a museum with

or him buy you a bus ticket.

You have so much to think about.

You can do it on your own.

Yeah. I don't know.

Where's next on the adventure?

Um, I'm supposed to get a 10:00 a.m. train to Venice.

I have a friend in Venice

who you can totally crash with.

Adriana.

She'd be happy to have you.

Do you have a pen and paper?

You really don't have to do that.

She's called Mia.

And she's amazing.

And she can show you the real Venice.

You can just crash on her sofa.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Honestly, you don't have to do that.

But thank you very much.

So, what are you going to do now?

Probably just get another hostel.

You can stay with me. Yeah.

Oh, my God!

- No, I live five minutes away. - Really?

And it's really simple and basic

but it's home and I'd love to have you.

- Really? - I insist.

Drink up.

Carbonara.

Ciao.

Buzzing in here, innit?

What I get you?

Oh, I'll have a beer, please.

It's four euro.

Thanks.

- Okay. - Keep the change.

Grazie.

What's that?

No. No.

Yes.

Lay your key?

Yeah, you haven't got much le, have you?

It's all on your chest, isn't it?

What's happening now?

I'm not Italian.

Ah, here.

- Ah. - Le, here.

Shall I lay here?

- No. No. - No?

Le ara, here. Here.

- Here. - Here.

- Oh, here! - Si.

Ah, got you! Here.

♪ We can hear You can hear

♪ I can hear We can all hear

♪ I got a beer

♪ I was just going to Go over here ♪

- Okay, yes. You go. - Yeah.

- Yeah, go. - Yes.

- Si. - Si. Now, ta!

Ciao!

- Salute. - Salute.

- Salute. - Salute.

Oh!

Fuck's sake.

Morning.

Hi.

I'd like to check out, please.

Okay. Did you enjoy your stay?

You know, it wasn't the best.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Anything else I can help you with?

Um, do you have a map?

Sure.

- Here. - Oh...

The girl working last night, Carli?

Yes.

Could you, uh, say goodbye to her for me?

Of course. She's my girlfriend.

Come again.

She's my girlfriend.

Good luck with that.

- Oh, do you have the time? - Yeah.

- 9:50. - 9:50?

- 9:50. Yes. - As in 10 to 10?

- Yes. - Shit!

Not even bloody close.

♪ You were in the flow Of things

♪ Don't you know

♪ I was there with you Somehow, somehow

♪ Windows in the sun

♪ I think I can see you

♪ The light is on the run And it's going nowhere

♪ Hello to you

♪ Did you ever know that you Were in the middle of my mind

♪ Hello to you

♪ I could never figure out Why you were so hard to find

♪ You were in the sand Dancing forever

♪ I was there with you Somehow, somehow

♪ Hello to you

♪ Did you ever know that you Were in the middle of my mind

♪ Hello to you

- Hi. - Hi.

- Is that a poo? - Yep.

Potent, isn't it?

Really stings the old nostrils.

- Uh, I've smelled worse. - Lovely.

Um...

You haven't seen this girl, have you?

No, I'm afraid not.

Okay. No worries.

Would you like a room?

- I'm good, thanks. See you later, mate. - Okay.

Here you go. Decaf.

Thanks.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You know, it's okay not to be okay.

So, I'm in Venice.

Decided to have a little go on a gondolier.

It's good.

Come meet me mate here.

It's not what his name is.

- Buongiorno! - Buongiorno!

- Buongiorno! - Buongiorno!

Fitting in for the old locales.

What is it they say?

"Plenty more fish in the sea."

Yeah, that is... That is what they say.

♪ I'm here in Venice

Right, that's it, tonight we're going out.

♪ I'm going to find her

♪ And tell her I'm sorry

We're going to go out, we're going to have fun,

we're going to go dancing.

- I've got nothing to wear. - It's fine.

I know the perfect place.

Sorry...

Okay. I'm going to go. I'll go.

Bye. Friendly here, aren't they?

Hello, old lady.

It's hot, innit?

I don't do that well in the heat.

Or the cold.

That's why I got an ice cream.

And a sweater in me bag.

Good work with the coat.

Good move, smart.

You don't have anywhere to stay, do you, around here?

It's just, the last place I was at was, um...

Well, it wasn't very nice.

There was a big shit on the floor.

It was like a French stick.

I haven't seen anything like it.

I've had a pretty shitty couple of days.

Found out my girlfriend's pregnant.

That's amazing.

It's pretty good news.

Then she caught me kissing another girl

and ran off.

Well, I wasn't kissing another girl,

she was kissing me,

but she doesn't know that.

So, I'm pretty much just wandering around Venice like a prick.

She's beautiful, my Lucy.

She's amazing.

Like you... You were probably beautiful when you were younger.

You're still all right now, you know.

I know I'm not much to look at.

But I'm funny.

I've got pretty good-sized penis,

medium-sized.

You'll never know, though.

Yeah, so that's me, just wandering around Venice.

Let me know if you fancy doing anything later 'cause

I'm at a loose end.

Probably go out, dinner, dance, you know.

All right, well, it's been nice chatting.

I love a good chat.

So I'll get off now.

See you later, old lady.

Mia!

- I think he fancies you. - Oh, my God, Mia!

He doesn't fancy me.

- I think he fancies you. - He doesn't. He fancies you.

Everyone fucking fancies you. You're kidding me.

- Oh, my God! - Oh!

Hello.

This is Chris and Lucy's trip to Europe.

Here's Chris.

It's not Lucy, is it?

No, it's a big fucking bag,

not Lucy.

Do you know where she is?

Do you know why I don't know where she is?

'Cause she fucked off.

Walked off,

because... because of me.

Because of how I behave.

Because I don't think.

I don't...

I don't think about her enough.

But all she does is think about me.

So, you stayed here even though he left you?

Hell, yeah. This is my home.

Not just gonna run away. Fuck that.

Yeah, but weren't you scared?

Oh, my God. Terrified.

But that's how I knew I was doing the right thing.

If you're not living on the edge

then you're taking up too much space.

I mean, I'm not saying that's how everyone should live their lives

but it worked for me.

I'm a fucking wanker.

I don't even see it.

I walked around in Venice.

I went on a gondolier.

Only it's not a gondolier, it's called a gondola.

And I know it's called a gondola

but I say gondolier

'cause I think it'll make her laugh.

And it does.

'Cause I do all the other stuff.

I don't say, I don't...

Doesn't make her laugh.

I don't... think.

So I went on it on my own.

I sat next to an old lady on a bench on my own.

And she was lovely.

Couldn't understand a fucking work I was saying.

But Lucy does understand...

the words I say.

That's why I should think what I say

before I say it.

I couldn't be more terrified right now if I tried.

Fuck him, he's a dick...

I'm pregnant.

So...

there's that.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you love him?

Yeah.

Fucking hell. Look at the rain.

I deserve this, I deserve to be...

out in the rain...

on my own.

And she deserves to be in somewhere...

nice, with nice people.

But we're meant to be.

You know, when canals go

in Venice, go to places.

We're supposed to go to a place.

So I'm gonna go on a canal tomorrow

and find her.

And also I'll behave,

and say sorry.

And I'll call it a gondola.

Lucy... I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye.

Excuse me.

Um, you haven't seen this girl, have you?

No.

But you're not really looking.

- No. - No?

- No. - No?

No.

It's nice, this place, isn't it?

Got you there, didn't I?

Excuse me.

- Hello. - Hello.

Um...

You haven't seen this girl, have you?

Is she staying here?

No.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure. I'm sorry, mate.

Aw. That's all right, mate.

- Have a good day. - You too.

- Hi. - Hello.

Um, I'd like a room please.

I've seen you before.

Do we know each other?

I'm not sure, but I've seen you before.

On a... on a film.

I'm not an actress.

Um...

Can I just get a room, please?

Certainly.

Helloo!

Helloo!

Hello.

- Hello. - Can I help you?

Yes, you can.

I'd like a room, please.

- Oh, fine... - Tala-ba-da-da.

Before you ask...

Mmm-hmm

This ain't my first rodeo.

- There you go. - Thank you.

Zom-zom.

Can I... can I just say...

that you have beautiful eyes.

Both of them.

Contacts?

- No. - Amazing.

So, how much is it for the old?

So, that'll be 69 euro.

Stone the fucking crows, mate.

'Struth!

I want a room, not the building.

Would you like the room or not?

Yeah, I do.

- Fine. - I was just being funny.

- So... - There you go old girl.

Count it out, old bean.

There you go, mate.

- Thank you very much... - Keep the fucking change.

That's um... room 11, 3rd floor.

Good evening. Have a good night's sleep.

- Good night. - You'll need it.

I love you.

What's that?

Ah!

What the fuck?

Ah, shit!

Whose that?

Whose that?

I'm on a merry go round and I don't like it.

- Oh, good morning. - Morning.

- Did you have a good stay? - I did, yeah.

There was a very loud guy this morning, though.

Oh, I think I know who you mean.

I hope he wasn't too much of a nuisance.

Just drunk, was he?

Yeah. Bit of a flirt too, actually.

- Brilliant. - Harmless enough, though.

I think he had a rough day.

Ah, yeah. I know the feeling.

Is there anything I can help you with?

Can you tell me the way to the Piazza Della Liberta?

Sure. Um, at the door turn left

and at the end of the street turn right

and it's about four blocks away.

- Okay, perfect. Thank you. - Okay. You have a great day.

- You too, Ciao. - Bye.

Excuse me.

Excuse me!

- Ah, good morning. - Good morning.

How are you this morning?

Um, well I feel my head's gonna explode.

Other than that, great thanks.

But you found your girl, though?

- What? - You found her?

The girl in the film. You found her?

No. I've pretty much checked every hostel in Florence.

No luck.

- She was here at breakfast. - What?

At breakfast I saw her.

- At breakfast? - Yes.

- Here? - Yes.

- Is she still here? - I think so.

Uh, I will just check.

Emma, could you help this gentleman, please?

My girl, you saw my girl?

- Um, the pretty one? - Yes, the pretty one.

- My Lucy. - She's your girlfriend?

Yes, all right, I know I'm punching

but where... where is she?

She left five minutes ago.

Where did she go?

Piazza Della Liberta.

How do I get there?

Walk out, turn left,

at the end of the street, turn right

and then it's about four blocks from there.

- You better hurry, though. - Thank you.

Don't lose her, mate.

♪ Been here once or twice

♪ Never seen you Let's decide

♪ Though I hope

♪ So I hope

♪ Still, something Just right

♪ Won't find out, We'll see what happens

♪ Though I hope

♪ So I hope

♪ Oh

♪ You're still The one I want

♪ Yeah, it's been This way too long

♪ I'll give you Everything

♪ I'll give you Everything

♪ Past the point, I know

♪ But it seems I've gone too far

♪ I'll give you Everything

Lucy!

♪ I'll give you everything

Lucy!

Lucy.

Chris?

Lucy.

How did you find me?

We were staying at the same hostel.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, my God!

You were the drunk guy from last night.

Guilty.

You were the drunk guy who flirted

with the receptionist, again.

That hag? Not my cup of tea.

No. She's really not your type, is she?

Look, you're my type.

Do you want to kneel down or shall I get up?

What do you think?

I'll get up.

Oh!

I don't want to let go.

You might run off again.

You're not gonna run off, are you?

I've been thinking.

I'm sorry for acting like such a...

A twat.

What's twat in Italian?

Twat.

Is it?

So, um... I've been everywhere.

On my own.

But I brought me bag.

- How is your bag? - It's fine.

Nice. Good.

How you've been?

Been okay.

You look like you have.

Me.

Made friends with a little old lady.

Had a good old chat.

Told her all about you.

She was nice.

Had a ride on a gondolier.

Sing a song with a guy.

Ate a couple of pizzas.

Jesus Christ! Listen to me.

Me, me, me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm such an idiot.

Yeah.

But you're my idiot.

Am I?

Yeah.

And look, we...

Neither of us should be doing this on our own.

This trip was meant to be about...

You haven't been on your own, though.

What?

I found the pregnancy test.

It was yours, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's mine.

Holy shit!

Does that mean we gonna be, like, parents?

- Yeah. - Proper adults.

Yup.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Oh, sorry.

Watch out.

Chris, it's literally like a raisin right now.

I know, but I sat on a raisin once.

And I'm gonna protect that raisin.

I'm gonna start tucking my shirts in.

- Brilliant. - Well, it is.

I want to be a good dad.

That's what good dads do.

I know you don't believe that now, but...

- There's two of... - No. I do.

I believe that.

- You do? - Yeah.

Of course I do. Come here.

Sorry I'm such a dick.

Oh! It's okay.

It's not okay. It's not okay.

It's not okay to be a dick to something so good.

My dick days are over.

Maybe let's work on that. Shall we?

So what do we do now?

Let's just make tracks.

What? What does that mean?

You know, let's make tracks.

I've never heard that before.

Of course you have.

I've literally never heard anyone say that, ever.

Well, it's a saying, isn't it?

No. Let's make like sheep and get the flock out of here.

- That's a saying. - Okay.

Let's mate like a tampon

and get out of this bloody hole...

- Oh, my God! Chris. - That's a saying.

Let's make like a donkey dick

and hit the road.

Okay. I get it.

Let's make like a tree and leave.

- Chris? - Let's make tracks?

What a load of shit.

♪ Long hot days

♪ In the shade Of some big old tree

♪ Making daisy chains

♪ And watching All the honey bees

♪ Endless nights

♪ Underneath starry skies

♪ Everyday is summer

♪ When you spend it Here with me

♪ So I call you up

♪ Whenever I'm Feeling down

♪ 'Cause it feels so good

♪ Just to have you around

♪ And you might not be

♪ The richest boy in this town

♪ But it feels so good

♪ Just to have you around

♪ Yeah it feels so good Just to have you around

♪ Now yesterday Is all but a distant dream

♪ Tomorrow hasn't happened yet So let's just wait and see

♪ Because we're here right now

♪ It's all that I'll ever Need anyhow

♪ Being in the present with you Lord I'm so free

♪ And I'll call you up

♪ Whenever I'm Feeling down

♪ 'Cause it feels so good Just to have you around

♪ And you might not be

♪ The smartest boy In this crowd

♪ But it feels so good Just to have you around

♪ Yeah it feels so good Just to have you around

♪ It feels so good Just to have you around

♪ Yeah it feels so good Just to have you around

♪ It feels so good Just to have you around ♪