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1
00:00:06,238 --> 00:00:08,570
Hey!
You're home early.
2
00:00:08,674 --> 00:00:10,685
They let us out of work
'cause there was a shooting.
3
00:00:10,709 --> 00:00:11,971
Why are you all sweaty?
4
00:00:12,077 --> 00:00:13,908
I was just...
I was working out.
5
00:00:14,013 --> 00:00:16,004
Yeah? Is there something
you want to tell me?
6
00:00:16,115 --> 00:00:18,140
You're beautiful.
7
00:00:18,250 --> 00:00:21,742
Anything else?
Anything on your mind?
8
00:00:21,854 --> 00:00:24,084
Nope, nope. Why?
9
00:00:24,189 --> 00:00:25,588
Because what are these, Kevin?
10
00:00:25,691 --> 00:00:27,420
[Bells jingling]
11
00:00:27,526 --> 00:00:30,086
- I don't know. What are those?
- They look like clown panties.
12
00:00:30,195 --> 00:00:33,358
Why are there clown panties
crumpled up in our hallway?
13
00:00:33,465 --> 00:00:34,955
Are those not yours?
14
00:00:35,067 --> 00:00:36,500
No, they're not mine.
15
00:00:36,602 --> 00:00:38,213
Do they look like
the hypoallergenic brand
16
00:00:38,237 --> 00:00:39,237
my doctor recommended?
17
00:00:39,271 --> 00:00:40,169
No!
18
00:00:40,272 --> 00:00:42,331
They look like they belong
to a clown.
19
00:00:42,441 --> 00:00:44,841
- A slut, whore clown!
- [Bells jingling]
20
00:00:44,943 --> 00:00:46,877
Okay, you know, I...
I think I know what that is.
21
00:00:46,979 --> 00:00:48,173
I did our laundry
22
00:00:48,280 --> 00:00:50,510
at that new laundromat up
the street... Big Top Laundry.
23
00:00:50,616 --> 00:00:53,050
A lot of local clowns
go there, so...
24
00:00:53,152 --> 00:00:54,881
Hey, I'm glad
I worked this out, huh?
25
00:00:54,987 --> 00:00:57,547
No.
Uh, who's Sparkles?
26
00:00:57,656 --> 00:00:59,487
- Hmm?
- Sparkles?
27
00:00:59,591 --> 00:01:01,786
I went through your phone
last night.
28
00:01:01,894 --> 00:01:04,362
Here, let's take a look.
29
00:01:04,463 --> 00:01:05,623
"You up?
30
00:01:05,731 --> 00:01:06,731
I need you.
31
00:01:06,799 --> 00:01:07,799
Honk-honk."
32
00:01:07,900 --> 00:01:09,697
That's the type of shit
you text to a clown!
33
00:01:09,802 --> 00:01:11,030
- Oh!
- You are fucking!
34
00:01:11,136 --> 00:01:14,469
Oh, my God, I was just
texting a friend from work!
35
00:01:14,573 --> 00:01:16,165
I can't believe
you took my phone!
36
00:01:16,275 --> 00:01:17,886
You work with someone
at Deloitte & Touche
37
00:01:17,910 --> 00:01:19,138
named Sparkles?
38
00:01:19,244 --> 00:01:22,145
Yes!
Sparkles Biederman!
39
00:01:22,247 --> 00:01:25,011
He's been there for years.
He's Dutch.
40
00:01:25,117 --> 00:01:27,813
"Your ass is tighter
than a balloon giraffe."
41
00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,683
You would text that to a man
you work with
42
00:01:29,788 --> 00:01:31,813
at a financial consulting firm?
43
00:01:31,924 --> 00:01:34,188
It's industry jargon.
It's not in your wheelhouse.
44
00:01:34,293 --> 00:01:36,261
You know what?
This is stupid.
45
00:01:36,361 --> 00:01:38,727
Let's just look at the security
footage from last night.
46
00:01:38,831 --> 00:01:40,264
- How about that?
- Oh, my God!
47
00:01:40,365 --> 00:01:42,333
You are being so crazy
right now!
48
00:01:42,434 --> 00:01:44,265
[Laughter]
49
00:01:50,943 --> 00:01:53,776
[Sobbing] What the fuck
is that, Kevin?
50
00:01:53,879 --> 00:01:55,437
[Bells jingling]
51
00:01:58,817 --> 00:02:00,717
[Laughter]
52
00:02:02,387 --> 00:02:04,514
Okay.
53
00:02:04,623 --> 00:02:05,885
You got me.
54
00:02:08,527 --> 00:02:11,655
It was supposed to be a surprise
for our anniversary.
55
00:02:12,664 --> 00:02:14,723
Our anniversary?
56
00:02:14,833 --> 00:02:18,064
It's tomorrow.
57
00:02:18,170 --> 00:02:19,933
You forgot, didn't you?
58
00:02:20,038 --> 00:02:23,064
[Exhales sharply]
[Laughing] Oh, my God.
59
00:02:23,175 --> 00:02:25,439
I totally forgot.
60
00:02:25,544 --> 00:02:28,809
I'm such a stupid, dumb bitch.
61
00:02:28,914 --> 00:02:31,212
I know how you like
balloon animals,
62
00:02:31,316 --> 00:02:34,911
so I paid these clowns to fill
your closet up with them.
63
00:02:39,892 --> 00:02:41,086
[Sighs]
64
00:02:43,428 --> 00:02:44,326
Surprise.
65
00:02:44,429 --> 00:02:47,728
I'm so sorry.
66
00:02:47,833 --> 00:02:49,926
Why do you put up with me?
67
00:02:53,005 --> 00:02:54,836
Because you're hot.
68
00:02:54,940 --> 00:02:57,238
Oh, my God.
69
00:02:57,342 --> 00:02:59,572
I'm so sorry.
70
00:03:02,381 --> 00:03:05,179
[Sighs] I just... I get
so scared of losing you.
71
00:03:05,284 --> 00:03:08,014
- I know, I know, I know, I know.
- [Bells jingling]
72
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:18,000
Ripped By mstoll
73
00:03:21,066 --> 00:03:23,000
Women.
We're lucky, aren't we?
74
00:03:23,101 --> 00:03:25,262
'Cause, women, we can have
75
00:03:25,370 --> 00:03:27,702
multiple orgasms, I've read.
76
00:03:27,806 --> 00:03:30,832
[Laughter]
77
00:03:30,943 --> 00:03:33,138
And I swear,
that's not me trashing guys.
78
00:03:33,245 --> 00:03:34,940
Like, it's not easy
to give me an orgasm.
79
00:03:35,047 --> 00:03:35,945
It's not fun.
80
00:03:36,048 --> 00:03:37,948
It's...
I have to have the focus
81
00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:40,951
of an Olympic hopeful
on a balance beam.
82
00:03:41,053 --> 00:03:42,918
[Breathing heavily]
83
00:03:45,157 --> 00:03:46,317
And I get distracted.
84
00:03:46,425 --> 00:03:47,619
If the temperature changes,
85
00:03:47,726 --> 00:03:49,557
I'm like, "I lost it.
I lost it."
86
00:03:49,661 --> 00:03:52,027
[Laughter]
87
00:03:52,130 --> 00:03:55,896
But women, like, sometimes
we have to fake orgasms, right?
88
00:03:56,001 --> 00:03:57,969
And that's not us
being disrespectful to men.
89
00:03:58,070 --> 00:04:00,834
That's just... That's our way
of saying to you,
90
00:04:00,939 --> 00:04:03,066
you know, "Wrap it up."
91
00:04:03,175 --> 00:04:04,175
Right?
92
00:04:04,276 --> 00:04:05,504
[Laughter]
93
00:04:07,112 --> 00:04:10,946
That's your Oscar play-off,
end-your-speech music.
94
00:04:11,984 --> 00:04:14,544
We're saying, "I love you.
I'm glad we did this.
95
00:04:14,653 --> 00:04:16,985
But 'Storage Wars'
is on in a minute.
96
00:04:17,089 --> 00:04:18,420
[Laughter]
97
00:04:19,591 --> 00:04:22,253
Get out of me."
98
00:04:25,163 --> 00:04:26,608
WOMAN: Thank you so much
for doing this.
99
00:04:26,632 --> 00:04:28,156
Oh, no, it's an honor.
100
00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:30,394
I can't believe
I'm someone's Make-A-Wish.
101
00:04:30,502 --> 00:04:31,992
His name's Jason.
He's nine.
102
00:04:32,104 --> 00:04:33,662
He's gonna die, like, yesterday.
103
00:04:33,772 --> 00:04:35,103
Oh, my God.
104
00:04:35,207 --> 00:04:36,936
You'll be fine.
105
00:04:40,779 --> 00:04:42,007
[Monitor beeping]
106
00:04:42,114 --> 00:04:43,114
- Hi.
- Hello.
107
00:04:43,148 --> 00:04:44,046
- Hi.
- Hi.
108
00:04:44,149 --> 00:04:46,049
Welcome.
He's right over here.
109
00:04:46,151 --> 00:04:47,243
Okay.
110
00:04:47,352 --> 00:04:49,752
Hey, Jason.
I'm Amy.
111
00:04:49,855 --> 00:04:51,982
Um, I brought this for you.
112
00:04:52,991 --> 00:04:55,926
Oh.
Your headshot.
113
00:04:56,028 --> 00:04:57,222
Okay.
114
00:04:58,730 --> 00:05:02,188
Uh, I just want you
to know that you're...
115
00:05:02,301 --> 00:05:04,963
you're really special,
and, um...
116
00:05:05,070 --> 00:05:07,300
and everything's gonna be fine.
117
00:05:09,708 --> 00:05:11,573
Well, I'm realizing
that I bit off
118
00:05:11,677 --> 00:05:12,954
a little bit more
than I could chew.
119
00:05:12,978 --> 00:05:14,605
It was an honor meeting you.
120
00:05:14,713 --> 00:05:16,613
Oh, whoa. Where do you think
you're going?
121
00:05:16,715 --> 00:05:19,616
- I was gonna go get my car.
- Don't you know why you're here?
122
00:05:19,718 --> 00:05:22,312
I thought I was just supposed
to come and meet... meet Jason.
123
00:05:22,421 --> 00:05:23,319
Did I do something wrong?
124
00:05:23,422 --> 00:05:25,549
Roast me!
125
00:05:25,657 --> 00:05:28,091
Roast you?
126
00:05:28,193 --> 00:05:30,218
It was our son's last wish
127
00:05:30,329 --> 00:05:33,127
to be roasted
by a professional comedian.
128
00:05:33,231 --> 00:05:35,461
Okay.
129
00:05:35,567 --> 00:05:38,502
Yeah, I don't feel comfortable
making fun of your son.
130
00:05:38,603 --> 00:05:44,132
You think I give a bitch queef
what you are comfortable with?!
131
00:05:44,242 --> 00:05:46,608
Okay.
Okay, okay.
132
00:05:46,712 --> 00:05:48,111
Okay.
133
00:05:48,213 --> 00:05:51,114
Um, nice be...
134
00:05:51,216 --> 00:05:54,447
W-Why don't you get some more
tubes in your nose, weirdo?
135
00:05:54,553 --> 00:05:56,077
- [Chuckles]
- Is that even a joke?
136
00:05:56,188 --> 00:05:58,952
Okay, uh...
137
00:05:59,057 --> 00:06:00,957
Where's the rest of your hair?
138
00:06:01,059 --> 00:06:03,994
Is it, uh, at the hair parade
where there's no hair?
139
00:06:04,096 --> 00:06:06,155
Enough with the softballs.
Please!
140
00:06:06,264 --> 00:06:08,596
Okay.
This is really hard.
141
00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:11,533
- Hey-hey! Hey, little man.
- Hi.
142
00:06:11,636 --> 00:06:13,263
- How you feeling?
- Terrible.
143
00:06:13,372 --> 00:06:16,102
Well, at least you feel
the way you look.
144
00:06:16,208 --> 00:06:17,106
[Laughter]
145
00:06:17,209 --> 00:06:18,608
Am I right?
Am I right?
146
00:06:18,710 --> 00:06:20,021
No, I'm just joking.
I'm just joking.
147
00:06:20,045 --> 00:06:21,478
You're dark and handsome.
148
00:06:21,580 --> 00:06:23,480
If it's dark, you're handsome.
149
00:06:23,582 --> 00:06:24,480
[Laughter]
150
00:06:24,583 --> 00:06:26,813
- Okay, I got to go.
- That's good?
151
00:06:26,918 --> 00:06:28,112
- [Laughs]
- [Laughs]
152
00:06:28,220 --> 00:06:30,518
LOL.
Amy, take notes.
153
00:06:30,622 --> 00:06:32,681
Those... Those were
hack one-liners
154
00:06:32,791 --> 00:06:34,122
from the Internet.
155
00:06:34,226 --> 00:06:35,716
- What?
- The Internet.
156
00:06:35,827 --> 00:06:38,489
You know, the thing you won't
be on in three weeks.
157
00:06:38,597 --> 00:06:39,359
- Wow. Amy.
- Hey.
158
00:06:39,464 --> 00:06:40,641
That's not the direction
we're going in?
159
00:06:40,665 --> 00:06:41,393
MAN: No.
160
00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:42,777
He's ready for a laugh
but, you know,
161
00:06:42,801 --> 00:06:44,112
could you please make sure
it's funny?
162
00:06:44,136 --> 00:06:47,333
Yeah!
Put some kind of twist on it.
163
00:06:47,439 --> 00:06:48,872
Has he been there
the whole time?
164
00:06:48,974 --> 00:06:50,100
WOMAN: Knock, knock.
165
00:06:51,410 --> 00:06:53,742
Lisa Lampanelli!
My first choice.
166
00:06:53,845 --> 00:06:56,006
It would either be me
or the Grim Reaper.
167
00:06:56,114 --> 00:06:58,639
- [Laughter]
- Oh! That's good.
168
00:06:58,750 --> 00:07:00,650
We heard that you booked
a Toyota commercial,
169
00:07:00,752 --> 00:07:02,083
you weren't available, I...
170
00:07:02,187 --> 00:07:05,054
Well, that explains
why Amy Schumer's here.
171
00:07:05,157 --> 00:07:07,216
The girl's a miracle worker
with her comedy.
172
00:07:07,325 --> 00:07:09,816
If she's funny, it's a miracle.
173
00:07:09,928 --> 00:07:11,896
[Laughter]
174
00:07:11,997 --> 00:07:13,692
- MAN: That's terrific!
- Beat it!
175
00:07:13,799 --> 00:07:15,027
MAN:
Yeah, beat it.
176
00:07:15,133 --> 00:07:17,226
Hey, wait a minute.
Who's dying here first?
177
00:07:17,335 --> 00:07:20,099
This guy or this guy?
178
00:07:20,205 --> 00:07:21,763
[Laughter]
179
00:07:22,774 --> 00:07:25,402
Excuse me.
Are you Amy Schumer?
180
00:07:25,510 --> 00:07:27,501
- Yeah.
- You have HPV.
181
00:07:27,612 --> 00:07:29,842
We've been trying to reach you
for seven years.
182
00:07:29,948 --> 00:07:32,678
I know.
183
00:07:35,687 --> 00:07:38,281
If you could have one wish,
what would it be?
184
00:07:38,390 --> 00:07:39,550
You're granted one wish.
185
00:07:39,658 --> 00:07:40,658
Uh...
186
00:07:40,725 --> 00:07:43,694
Is it for a sea of drunken,
aging-poorly Irishmen
187
00:07:43,795 --> 00:07:44,591
to come up behind you?
188
00:07:44,696 --> 00:07:47,096
[Stammering]
189
00:07:47,199 --> 00:07:48,564
- Yep.
- Yep.
190
00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:50,378
- [Laughter]
- Well, today's your lucky day!
191
00:07:50,402 --> 00:07:52,199
If you had one wish,
what would it be?
192
00:07:52,304 --> 00:07:54,602
I would like
Green Lantern's powers.
193
00:07:54,706 --> 00:07:55,866
What could he do?
194
00:07:55,974 --> 00:07:59,034
Anything he imagines,
he can project out his ring.
195
00:07:59,144 --> 00:08:00,144
Oh, okay.
196
00:08:00,212 --> 00:08:02,373
I thought he just, like,
could marry Blake Lively
197
00:08:02,481 --> 00:08:03,812
and have a movie nobody saw.
198
00:08:11,690 --> 00:08:13,055
AMY:
Thank you for coming over.
199
00:08:13,158 --> 00:08:14,785
I've never seen him
this depressed.
200
00:08:14,893 --> 00:08:16,653
You know, I think it hits men
especially hard
201
00:08:16,695 --> 00:08:18,094
when they're unemployed.
202
00:08:18,196 --> 00:08:21,324
Yeah, but even worse than that
is the new therapy that he's on.
203
00:08:24,202 --> 00:08:26,966
- Hey, Mark.
- Oh, hey, Colleen.
204
00:08:27,072 --> 00:08:28,583
You need help? You want me
to get you something?
205
00:08:28,607 --> 00:08:30,802
No, I don't need help.
I'm not five.
206
00:08:30,909 --> 00:08:33,810
- Where's my lucky glass?
- It's next to the books.
207
00:08:33,912 --> 00:08:35,174
I'm at the books.
208
00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:36,520
I see it right in front of you.
209
00:08:36,548 --> 00:08:39,278
Oh, I got it.
It was at the books.
210
00:08:39,384 --> 00:08:41,614
- Why is he skipping?
- That's the therapy.
211
00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,449
The doctor told him to skip
212
00:08:43,555 --> 00:08:45,955
as a way to trick himself
into feeling happier.
213
00:08:46,057 --> 00:08:47,902
Yeah, you know, I think
I saw something about this
214
00:08:47,926 --> 00:08:49,188
on that show "The Doctors."
215
00:08:49,294 --> 00:08:51,694
I only saw a little bit
because the show's unwatchable.
216
00:08:53,131 --> 00:08:56,032
Hey, babe, I'm sorry
I, like, was curt with you,
217
00:08:56,134 --> 00:08:57,378
but I'm feeling a little better.
218
00:08:57,402 --> 00:08:58,679
I think this is starting
to work.
219
00:08:58,703 --> 00:09:00,915
- I'm starting to, like, feel it.
- Great. That's great, babe.
220
00:09:00,939 --> 00:09:02,950
I'm gonna go upstairs and watch
some of my karate movies.
221
00:09:02,974 --> 00:09:04,805
Okay.
222
00:09:04,910 --> 00:09:05,910
MARK:
Bye, Colleen.
223
00:09:14,386 --> 00:09:15,944
Oh ho!
He got it.
224
00:09:16,054 --> 00:09:17,054
- Whew!
- Close.
225
00:09:17,088 --> 00:09:18,680
That guy's
got my number today, huh?
226
00:09:18,790 --> 00:09:20,849
Yeah.
Why don't you try running?
227
00:09:20,959 --> 00:09:21,687
Here.
228
00:09:21,793 --> 00:09:23,393
- He's fast like a cheetah.
- Babe. Babe!
229
00:09:23,461 --> 00:09:25,053
I'll get that later.
230
00:09:30,802 --> 00:09:32,202
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
- Yes.
231
00:09:32,237 --> 00:09:34,296
Nothing's too good
for my princess.
232
00:09:34,406 --> 00:09:35,464
Now, you eat up.
233
00:09:35,574 --> 00:09:38,065
[Whispering] Stop skipping.
234
00:09:38,176 --> 00:09:39,643
Babe, I feel like lately
235
00:09:39,744 --> 00:09:41,336
things have been
a little off with us.
236
00:09:41,446 --> 00:09:42,344
Mainly you.
237
00:09:42,447 --> 00:09:43,812
Mainly me?
238
00:09:43,915 --> 00:09:45,849
So I, um, talked
to my psychiatrist,
239
00:09:45,951 --> 00:09:48,545
and he wrote you
this prescription.
240
00:09:48,653 --> 00:09:50,245
Don't be mad.
241
00:09:50,355 --> 00:09:52,016
AMY:
"The Electric Slide"?
242
00:09:52,123 --> 00:09:54,250
MARK:
♪ You can do it ♪
243
00:09:56,928 --> 00:09:59,396
Look, are you gonna stop
skipping anytime soon?
244
00:09:59,497 --> 00:10:00,395
I don't know.
245
00:10:00,498 --> 00:10:02,193
Are you ever gonna try
the Electric Slide?
246
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:03,300
No.
247
00:10:03,368 --> 00:10:05,336
Why can't you be happy for me?
248
00:10:05,437 --> 00:10:08,600
Look, I don't think
I can do this anymore.
249
00:10:08,707 --> 00:10:10,106
Oh, my God!
I got it. I'll get it.
250
00:10:10,208 --> 00:10:12,199
AMY: No, Mark,
it's too dangerous!
251
00:10:21,820 --> 00:10:23,549
[Video-game beeping]
252
00:10:32,964 --> 00:10:34,397
GIRL: Whoo!
Oh, yeah!
253
00:10:34,499 --> 00:10:36,057
Come on, man!
Whoo!
254
00:10:36,167 --> 00:10:36,861
You the man!
255
00:10:36,968 --> 00:10:39,232
Thank you! Bye.
256
00:10:45,877 --> 00:10:46,877
[Man groaning]
257
00:10:46,911 --> 00:10:49,539
Oh, my gosh!
258
00:10:49,648 --> 00:10:50,979
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
259
00:10:51,082 --> 00:10:53,312
- I love you!
- I love you. I'm so sorry.
260
00:10:53,418 --> 00:10:54,418
No, I love you.
I'm sorry.
261
00:10:54,519 --> 00:10:56,077
I've been such a jerk.
I love you.
262
00:10:56,187 --> 00:10:58,382
I'm gonna throw out all
my Aerosmith T-shirts and...
263
00:10:58,490 --> 00:11:01,425
No, I've never liked those
shirts, but I support you.
264
00:11:01,526 --> 00:11:02,903
You never have to talk
to my mother again.
265
00:11:02,927 --> 00:11:04,739
I already found a way to kind of
stop talking to her.
266
00:11:04,763 --> 00:11:06,390
- I love you so much.
- I love you too.
267
00:11:06,498 --> 00:11:07,698
I'm sorry to interrupt, folks.
268
00:11:07,766 --> 00:11:09,597
That was the bravest
goddamn thing
269
00:11:09,701 --> 00:11:12,829
I have ever seen
in my goddamn life.
270
00:11:12,937 --> 00:11:14,063
God damn.
271
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,102
Call me?
272
00:11:17,208 --> 00:11:19,836
We could use a guy like you
on the force.
273
00:11:19,944 --> 00:11:21,605
Screw it.
274
00:11:21,713 --> 00:11:22,771
You got the job.
275
00:11:22,881 --> 00:11:25,441
[Gasps]
Oh, my gosh!
276
00:11:25,550 --> 00:11:27,347
This is the best day of my life.
277
00:11:28,753 --> 00:11:29,651
Our life.
278
00:11:29,754 --> 00:11:32,348
[Mid-tempo synthesized music
plays]
279
00:11:37,929 --> 00:11:39,590
MARK: Hey, you learned
the Electric Slide.
280
00:11:39,698 --> 00:11:41,242
AMY: Uh, wait, it's gonna
take me a second.
281
00:11:41,266 --> 00:11:42,699
You can just...
282
00:11:42,801 --> 00:11:45,361
- MARK: Come back?
- Yeah, let's head it back.
283
00:11:47,539 --> 00:11:48,563
MARK: Oop.
284
00:11:50,475 --> 00:11:51,719
Maybe we should just take a cab.
285
00:11:51,743 --> 00:11:53,721
Yeah, do you mind if we take
a cab? I'm just so tired.
286
00:11:53,745 --> 00:11:55,945
- I'm into this. I'm just tired.
- No, it's a good idea.
287
00:11:58,583 --> 00:12:00,881
- Are you dating anybody?
- Yes, I am.
288
00:12:00,985 --> 00:12:03,146
Does he have
any annoying habits?
289
00:12:03,254 --> 00:12:04,448
Um...
290
00:12:04,556 --> 00:12:06,683
Kind of everything,
but I like him.
291
00:12:06,791 --> 00:12:07,791
[Laughs]
292
00:12:07,892 --> 00:12:10,292
I don't like it when girls
say they're sarcastic.
293
00:12:10,395 --> 00:12:11,692
It just means they're not funny.
294
00:12:11,796 --> 00:12:14,356
You're just gonna make
stupid comments about things
295
00:12:14,466 --> 00:12:15,660
and think that's enough.
296
00:12:15,767 --> 00:12:17,132
Are you talking to me right now?
297
00:12:24,275 --> 00:12:25,915
I haven't done anything
I'm supposed to do
298
00:12:25,944 --> 00:12:27,070
as a 30-year-old.
299
00:12:27,178 --> 00:12:29,078
Like, I was the last one to know
300
00:12:29,180 --> 00:12:33,241
that it wasn't cool to drink
like a homeless person anymore.
301
00:12:33,351 --> 00:12:35,271
'Cause when you're younger,
that's how you drink.
302
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:38,551
You drink, like, 40s
in paper bags at bus stops.
303
00:12:38,656 --> 00:12:39,748
[People cheering]
304
00:12:39,858 --> 00:12:43,385
Right?
Some people still do it.
305
00:12:43,495 --> 00:12:48,057
You run from the cops.
You pee behind Dumpsters.
306
00:12:48,166 --> 00:12:50,031
I remember more than once
being like,
307
00:12:50,135 --> 00:12:51,645
"I just found these beers
in the bushes.
308
00:12:51,669 --> 00:12:53,102
Let's drink 'em!"
309
00:12:53,204 --> 00:12:55,900
And no one was like,
"Ew! You're a vagrant."
310
00:12:56,007 --> 00:12:59,841
They were like, "We're gonna
remember tonight forever!"
311
00:12:59,944 --> 00:13:02,105
[Laughter]
312
00:13:02,213 --> 00:13:03,612
It's just gross.
313
00:13:03,715 --> 00:13:06,582
In your 20s, if you black out
from drinking, you're fun.
314
00:13:06,684 --> 00:13:08,584
You're a fun girl, right?
315
00:13:08,686 --> 00:13:12,122
In your 30s,
you're not-invited girl.
316
00:13:12,223 --> 00:13:14,316
That's what happens.
317
00:13:21,065 --> 00:13:24,933
Oh, hi. I'm here to audition for
Forgettable Girl Number Three.
318
00:13:25,036 --> 00:13:26,799
- Oh.
- Amy.
319
00:13:26,905 --> 00:13:28,031
Why don't you have a seat?
320
00:13:28,139 --> 00:13:31,370
There are some people here
who love you a whole lot.
321
00:13:31,476 --> 00:13:34,070
They called me because
they think you have a problem.
322
00:13:34,179 --> 00:13:35,407
We think you're addicted
323
00:13:35,513 --> 00:13:37,037
to buying rounds of stuff
for people.
324
00:13:37,148 --> 00:13:38,809
Shut up, you piece of shit!
325
00:13:38,917 --> 00:13:41,215
AMY: A month ago,
I was a normal girl
326
00:13:41,319 --> 00:13:42,718
who liked watching
Wendy Williams
327
00:13:42,821 --> 00:13:44,914
and sitting alone
In public parks.
328
00:13:45,023 --> 00:13:47,890
But addiction can come Into
anyone's life at any time.
329
00:13:47,992 --> 00:13:51,223
This Is a dramatic reenactment
of my story.
330
00:13:52,831 --> 00:13:55,561
WOMAN: It's so weird. I'm like
a different size at every store.
331
00:13:55,667 --> 00:13:56,725
At Zara, I'm a beast.
332
00:13:56,835 --> 00:13:58,769
But at J. Crew,
I'm like a supermodel.
333
00:13:58,870 --> 00:14:00,963
Yeah, I'm a nine
across the board.
334
00:14:01,072 --> 00:14:02,416
Like, it doesn't matter
where I go.
335
00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,772
I was used to my friends
Ignoring me
336
00:14:04,876 --> 00:14:06,901
and getting my name wrong
most of the time.
337
00:14:07,011 --> 00:14:10,970
[Chanting] Tonia! Tonia!
Tonia! Tonia! Tonia! Tonia!
338
00:14:11,082 --> 00:14:12,947
- Put it on the card.
- MAN: Thank you.
339
00:14:13,051 --> 00:14:14,609
What can I get for you ladies?
340
00:14:14,719 --> 00:14:15,777
Uh...
341
00:14:15,887 --> 00:14:18,913
Y-You know what?
Round of drinks on me.
342
00:14:19,023 --> 00:14:20,957
- Wow!
- All right!
343
00:14:21,059 --> 00:14:21,957
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
344
00:14:22,060 --> 00:14:27,293
[Chanting] Amy! Amy!
Amy! Amy! Amy!
345
00:14:27,398 --> 00:14:32,097
That was the moment
my whole life changed.
346
00:14:32,203 --> 00:14:35,798
Guys, we are so
"Sex and the City" right now.
347
00:14:35,907 --> 00:14:38,205
I'm Carrie.
You're Samantha.
348
00:14:38,309 --> 00:14:40,368
- Ahh!
- You're Charlotte.
349
00:14:40,478 --> 00:14:43,675
And... Who's Miranda?
350
00:14:43,781 --> 00:14:44,781
Obviously me.
351
00:14:44,883 --> 00:14:46,126
Oh, what about
the bathroom attendant?
352
00:14:46,150 --> 00:14:47,617
She looks like a lawyer.
353
00:14:47,719 --> 00:14:49,152
- Nailed it!
- Yeah!
354
00:14:49,254 --> 00:14:50,653
Know what time it is?
355
00:14:50,755 --> 00:14:53,656
It's "a round of drinks
on me o'clock," bitches.
356
00:14:53,758 --> 00:14:54,986
[Women cheering]
357
00:14:55,093 --> 00:14:57,152
[Chanting] Amy! Amy!
358
00:14:57,262 --> 00:14:59,389
My addiction had
taken hold of me.
359
00:14:59,497 --> 00:15:01,055
It was like a drug.
360
00:15:01,165 --> 00:15:03,395
And also I was doing drugs.
361
00:15:03,501 --> 00:15:07,494
Uh, babe, you're spending way
too much money at the bars.
362
00:15:07,605 --> 00:15:09,368
It's crazy.
363
00:15:09,474 --> 00:15:12,068
Promise me
you'll get it under control.
364
00:15:12,176 --> 00:15:13,176
Absolutely.
365
00:15:13,278 --> 00:15:16,042
But I couldn't
get It under control.
366
00:15:16,147 --> 00:15:18,843
I also cheated on him,
like, a ton.
367
00:15:18,950 --> 00:15:22,477
No matter where I went,
my addiction followed.
368
00:15:22,587 --> 00:15:25,852
Hi. Um, will Plan B
also get rid of my UTI?
369
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:30,393
Round of pills!
On me!
370
00:15:30,495 --> 00:15:33,020
[All cheering]
371
00:15:38,036 --> 00:15:40,504
Amy.
Why don't you have a seat?
372
00:15:40,605 --> 00:15:43,836
There are some people here
who love you a whole lot.
373
00:15:43,942 --> 00:15:48,208
And they called me because
they think you have a problem.
374
00:15:49,847 --> 00:15:51,474
- MAN: Oh, my God.
- WOMAN: Amy.
375
00:15:54,185 --> 00:15:57,211
[Sobbing]
376
00:15:57,322 --> 00:15:58,880
Oh, my God, what do you want?
377
00:15:58,990 --> 00:15:59,888
What are you buying?!
378
00:15:59,991 --> 00:16:01,135
I'll buy you whatever you want!
379
00:16:01,159 --> 00:16:02,387
- Round on me!
- Uh...
380
00:16:02,493 --> 00:16:03,755
Round on me!
381
00:16:03,861 --> 00:16:06,352
Hey! Hey.
382
00:16:06,464 --> 00:16:08,898
It's over.
It's over.
383
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,798
It was over.
384
00:16:11,903 --> 00:16:13,996
[Coin clinks]
385
00:16:15,707 --> 00:16:17,641
Well, it's been, uh...
386
00:16:17,742 --> 00:16:20,768
It's been 90 days
since I came here,
387
00:16:20,878 --> 00:16:23,039
um, to the center.
388
00:16:23,147 --> 00:16:25,047
Hi.
I'm doing a thing.
389
00:16:25,149 --> 00:16:26,912
And I feel amazing.
390
00:16:27,018 --> 00:16:28,485
I feel like myself again.
391
00:16:28,586 --> 00:16:29,644
Hi.
392
00:16:29,754 --> 00:16:31,031
All right.
I'll see you at the event.
393
00:16:31,055 --> 00:16:33,387
Um, everybody's so cool here
394
00:16:33,491 --> 00:16:35,391
And... Oh, I know I look
a little bit different.
395
00:16:35,493 --> 00:16:39,088
Um, I tried doing my hair
in a new way.
396
00:16:39,197 --> 00:16:40,197
Uh...
397
00:16:40,231 --> 00:16:43,826
I've just been...
just doing "me" work and just...
398
00:16:43,935 --> 00:16:46,403
Just really focusing
on my poetry
399
00:16:46,504 --> 00:16:48,301
and channeling all my energy
into that.
400
00:16:48,406 --> 00:16:51,204
[Sighs]
Here it goes.
401
00:17:00,184 --> 00:17:02,516
"Rounds and rounds
402
00:17:02,620 --> 00:17:05,282
and rounds we go.
403
00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:09,121
Where will this stop?
404
00:17:09,227 --> 00:17:10,819
Now I know.
405
00:17:10,928 --> 00:17:13,795
Who are you?
Who am I?
406
00:17:13,898 --> 00:17:16,366
Who is that?
Who is that?"
407
00:17:19,370 --> 00:17:21,235
[Slow piano music plays]
408
00:17:34,919 --> 00:17:37,479
So, Aidan, you are how old?
409
00:17:37,588 --> 00:17:38,987
Six years old.
410
00:17:39,090 --> 00:17:40,148
60 years old?
411
00:17:40,258 --> 00:17:41,282
Six!
412
00:17:41,392 --> 00:17:42,392
Guess how old I am.
413
00:17:42,460 --> 00:17:44,155
45?
414
00:17:44,262 --> 00:17:45,160
Close.
415
00:17:45,263 --> 00:17:47,458
What's your favorite TV show?
416
00:17:47,565 --> 00:17:51,296
"Pokémon" and "The Amazing World
of Gumball."
417
00:17:51,402 --> 00:17:52,994
Did you ever see "Homeland"?
418
00:17:53,104 --> 00:17:54,002
No.
419
00:17:54,105 --> 00:17:56,630
What about the show "Girls"?
420
00:17:56,741 --> 00:17:59,335
Mommy does say
it's not appropriate for me
421
00:17:59,444 --> 00:18:02,413
because I'm...
because I'm too young for it.
422
00:18:02,513 --> 00:18:03,639
Mom's smart.
423
00:18:03,748 --> 00:18:06,080
So do you have
any brothers and sisters?
424
00:18:06,184 --> 00:18:08,744
Um...
425
00:18:08,853 --> 00:18:09,877
You don't have to answer.
426
00:18:09,987 --> 00:18:11,887
Are they in
the witness protection?
427
00:18:11,989 --> 00:18:13,183
Uh-huh.
428
00:18:13,291 --> 00:18:15,657
Just blink once
if you have a sister.
429
00:18:17,829 --> 00:18:19,797
Blink twice
if you have a brother.
430
00:18:21,599 --> 00:18:22,896
Okay. I got it.
431
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,025
Um, do you have a girlfriend?
432
00:18:25,136 --> 00:18:29,197
Well, my... Well, my cousin...
Actually a brother and a cousin.
433
00:18:29,307 --> 00:18:34,074
You know, it's not a good idea
to, um, date cousins.
434
00:18:34,178 --> 00:18:35,270
Why?
435
00:18:35,379 --> 00:18:36,846
Can you just trust me
on this one?
436
00:18:36,948 --> 00:18:38,210
Okay.
437
00:18:38,316 --> 00:18:41,285
Uh, what do you think the best
thing is about being a kid?
438
00:18:41,385 --> 00:18:43,751
That you can have kids.
439
00:18:43,855 --> 00:18:46,585
No!
I mean toy... I mean toys.
440
00:18:46,691 --> 00:18:48,591
Toys. That's...
I'm glad you changed it.
441
00:18:48,693 --> 00:18:51,924
Um, have you ever heard
of the NuvaRing?
442
00:18:52,029 --> 00:18:53,121
No.
443
00:18:53,231 --> 00:18:54,129
Okay, good.
444
00:18:54,232 --> 00:18:56,757
Uh, what's your favorite thing
to eat?
445
00:18:56,868 --> 00:19:01,134
Chinese food
and rice and shrimp.
446
00:19:01,239 --> 00:19:03,503
Do you trust Chinese people?
447
00:19:05,243 --> 00:19:06,403
Yeah. Me too.
448
00:19:06,511 --> 00:19:08,536
Um, can you please describe
449
00:19:08,646 --> 00:19:10,773
what you think
the tooth fairy looks like?
450
00:19:10,882 --> 00:19:16,252
I think she have, uh, wings
and she can fly
451
00:19:16,354 --> 00:19:20,222
and be quiet
to take people's tooths
452
00:19:20,324 --> 00:19:22,053
and give them money.
453
00:19:22,160 --> 00:19:24,651
And I think she got white skin.
454
00:19:24,762 --> 00:19:25,592
Why?
455
00:19:25,696 --> 00:19:29,097
Because I just watched a movie
of a tooth fairy.
456
00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:30,895
Some of them are black.
457
00:19:31,002 --> 00:19:32,230
Are you comfortable with that?
458
00:19:32,336 --> 00:19:34,634
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, I feel okay about it.
459
00:19:34,739 --> 00:19:37,264
Um, what annoys you?
460
00:19:37,375 --> 00:19:39,605
Grown-ups telling me what to do.
461
00:19:39,710 --> 00:19:42,110
You got to question the Man.
Do you know what I'm saying?
462
00:19:42,213 --> 00:19:43,771
No.
463
00:19:44,782 --> 00:19:46,750
Okay. Um...
464
00:19:46,851 --> 00:19:49,081
Do you think
you're better than me?
465
00:19:49,187 --> 00:19:50,313
Yes.
466
00:19:50,421 --> 00:19:51,820
You may be right.
467
00:19:51,923 --> 00:19:53,413
I think you're great.
468
00:19:53,524 --> 00:19:54,568
I can't believe
I've been avoiding
469
00:19:54,592 --> 00:19:55,923
having one of you for so long.
470
00:19:56,027 --> 00:19:57,289
Pbbt! [Laughs]
471
00:19:57,395 --> 00:19:58,760
[Laughs]
472
00:20:01,699 --> 00:20:03,690
My friends...
It's a weird age.
473
00:20:03,801 --> 00:20:05,598
Like, they're living
normal lives.
474
00:20:05,703 --> 00:20:08,103
They... They're doing it.
They're really in their 30s.
475
00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:10,299
They all have gotten married.
476
00:20:10,408 --> 00:20:13,172
They all keep their kids
every time now.
477
00:20:13,277 --> 00:20:14,301
[Laughter]
478
00:20:16,714 --> 00:20:18,113
Oh, sorry,
479
00:20:18,216 --> 00:20:20,810
"I always carry it to term,"
judgmental audience.
480
00:20:20,918 --> 00:20:23,478
- Um...
- [Laughter]
481
00:20:23,588 --> 00:20:24,486
No.
482
00:20:24,589 --> 00:20:26,266
I'm like, "You're not even
gonna think about it?
483
00:20:26,290 --> 00:20:28,588
I don't even
know you anymore."
484
00:20:30,494 --> 00:20:32,155
And, look, I'm not crazy.
485
00:20:32,263 --> 00:20:35,289
I just think you should
consider, you know,
486
00:20:35,399 --> 00:20:38,835
terminating the pregnancy
if it was rape or incest
487
00:20:38,936 --> 00:20:39,960
or with a redhead.
488
00:20:40,071 --> 00:20:42,835
Like, the unforgivables,
you know?
489
00:20:42,940 --> 00:20:46,467
The unacceptables.
490
00:20:50,281 --> 00:20:51,839
Do you have
any questions for me?
491
00:20:51,949 --> 00:20:53,416
Are you putting this on TV?
492
00:20:53,517 --> 00:20:54,517
Uh-huh.
493
00:20:54,619 --> 00:20:58,749
People will see me on TV!
Yay! I am a TV actor!
494
00:20:58,856 --> 00:21:00,824
[Laughs]
495
00:21:06,497 --> 00:21:08,829
Get in here.
Don't be shy.
496
00:21:08,933 --> 00:21:10,093
MAN:
There's still a tiny bit.
497
00:21:10,134 --> 00:21:12,068
MAN #2:
It's over your booby.
498
00:21:12,169 --> 00:21:13,602
- I know. I'm trying to...
- Where?
499
00:21:13,704 --> 00:21:16,935
- [Laughter]
- Where is it?
500
00:21:17,041 --> 00:21:18,531
I'm trying to be
a professional here.
501
00:21:18,643 --> 00:21:19,871
- Well...
- WOMAN: Stop it.
502
00:21:19,977 --> 00:21:21,444
No one appreciates that here.
34960
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