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- Good morning, New Woodstream.
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Let's have a day of it.
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[light music]
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♪ ♪
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Good morning, Peter.
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Saw your wife.
She told me everything.
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[cat meows]
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[gasps]
Well, who are you, sir?
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I'm going to name you hungry for now.
10
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And you can call me sucker.
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Let's go. Come on in.
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You're gonna love it.
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Izzy, I have very exciting news.
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Today I am going to start
my first ever full-length novel.
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No more procrastination.
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Now you go lay down
in your orthopedic bed.
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Good darling.
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And begin.
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[phone rings]
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Abigail Mapleworth.
To whom am I speaking?
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- Hey, it's Jerry, your agent.
How's the novel coming?
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- Jerry, I've written
64 murder mystery novellas.
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I think I've got this.
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I once wrote a Yelp review
that was 20 pages long
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about a restaurant that used balsamic
that was not house-made, as claimed.
26
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- Okay, well,
I'll let you work your magic.
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- There's nothing magic
about murder, Jerry.
28
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And you should also wear pants
when you're in the office.
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- How did you--
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I hate when you do that.
31
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- All right. For real this time, Abigail.
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And begin.
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[doorbell dings]
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Oh, my goodness gracious.
[dogs barking]
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No bark!
[barking stops]
36
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[gasps] Heidi?
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- Hi, Aunt Abigail.
- Ohh, come in here!
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Look at you!
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Oh, you've grown into
such a beautiful young gal.
40
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I thought you were going to be
a little mushroom like I am,
41
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but your legs got in the game
just in time.
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- Mom and Dad said thanks so much
for letting me stay here.
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- Of course.
- It was either this
44
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or go home to Australia,
you know, back in the marsupial pouch.
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- Oh. [laughs]
[dogs barking]
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- Oh!
- Oh, here are all the babies
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from my marsupial pouch.
- Hi! Ohh.
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- Oh, and give her kisses.
Oh, kisses!
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So your parents tell me
that you're going to be finishing college
50
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at New Woodstream
instead of Princeton.
51
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- Uh, that reminds me.
I've gotta go online
52
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and register for classes.
- Hm.
53
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- Um, what's your Wi-Fi?
54
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- It's Wireless Network.
55
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- You should change that.
56
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Uh, password?
- Oh.
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WXRT443MQ123four--
58
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the four is spelled F-O-U-R--
59
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and then an entire line of asterisks
60
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that just look like
a little blanket of snow.
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- It's a strong password.
62
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- And if you need anything at all,
at any time, you just--
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[rings bell]
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Dingy-ding.
And I'll be right in that bed right there.
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- Wait, we're sleeping
right next to each other?
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- Mm.
- Don't you have, like,
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three other bedrooms?
- I do.
68
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There's one for the dogs,
one for the cats,
69
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and then the third one
is where they all meet for parties.
70
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[light music]
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♪ ♪
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As you can see, Heidi,
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the town square
is quite the bevy of activity.
74
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This is my favorite shop
All windchimes all the time,
75
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and it's open till 11:00.
- [chuckles]
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I can't post any of these.
Is it possible to have negative bars?
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- Oh, there's a grand opening sign
up there.
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Something is exciting.
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Let's check it out.
80
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- Yeah, yeah, yeah,
it says it's a hot spot. Let's go.
81
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- Well, I mean, it hasn't opened.
82
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That's pretty cocky
to call themselves a hot spot. [chuckles]
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- No, it's an Internet hot spot.
84
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- Congrats on your big opening, jackass.
85
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Maybe you can finally
pay me back the money
86
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you sucked from my savings,
you prick.
87
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I hope you die soon!
88
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And if you don't, let me know,
so I can kill you myself!
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[screams]
90
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- Sorry about that.
That's my ex-wife.
91
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She's an asshole.
92
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So what do you think
of the shop?
93
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- It's very nice.
I don't usually frequent meat markets.
94
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- Oh, God damn it, Ben Jr.!
95
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What are you doing now?
96
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- Oh, I wanted to display
my homemade dry rub.
97
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- [mocking] Dry rub.
98
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You know what I wanted?
A daughter.
99
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- You have Samantha.
100
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- Yeah, but she's a shithead.
101
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Now get that crap out of here!
102
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Be better!
103
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- Yes, sir.
104
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- Come on. Move it!
105
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God damn, that boy's got
about as much common sense
106
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as a bee in a camper toilet.
107
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Just like his mom,
the asshole from earlier. Hm.
108
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- Um, excuse me,
what's your Wi-Fi?
109
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- Wireless Network.
110
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Password is A1B2C3D4
111
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and then that little squiggle
that goes over Ns in Mexican words.
112
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ABIGAIL: Okay.
113
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- Canelli.
114
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Get out of here, Andy Hapsberg.
115
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- You get out of here,
and by out of here,
116
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I mean out of this town!
117
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I've been the New Woodstream butcher
since 1987.
118
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- Well, we're all tired
of your limp meats.
119
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- You're gonna be closed
and out of business in 30 days.
120
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- Over my dead body.
121
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- Well, I can arrange that!
122
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- I'd like to see you try to kill me!
123
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- Stop this nonsense.
124
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You two are grown men.
125
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I'm trying to show my young niece
around the beauty of New Woodstream,
126
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and you two are acting
like ridiculous pussies
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going at it hard in the alley.
128
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- Wow.
129
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- Now shake hands.
130
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That's it. I believe in no time
you two will be fast friends,
131
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sharing grinder stories
and comparing the size of your giblets
132
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over a cold beer.
133
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- That was surprisingly fun.
134
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- Wait till you meet
the women's crochet league.
135
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Now those are some skilled hookers.
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- That was for you, Heidi.
- [laughs]
137
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And finally, this is the western
New Woodstream cemetery.
138
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- Aunt Abigail, this is
the fourth cemetery you've shown me.
139
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- Well, the rest of them
are closed on Mondays.
140
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Now let's go have a luncheon.
141
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- Who says luncheon?
142
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- I just did.
Did you not hear me?
143
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And that's my favorite place
to get sanitary napkins.
144
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[police siren wailing]
145
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Oh, Heidi.
146
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I'm going to have to
take off my tour guide hat for a moment
147
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and exchange it for a mystery-solving tam.
148
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Let's get to snooping.
149
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- Okay, yeah.
150
00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:55,999
- Gilbert, has there been
a crime committed?
151
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- Ouch, ah, hey, Abigail.
[chuckles]
152
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Not sure. I was just about to
go check it out myself, but--
153
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[siren wails]
[laughs] Gol dang it.
154
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,885
This thing's on the fritz again.
155
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,470
[laughs] It's possessed.
156
00:07:08,512 --> 00:07:10,138
Ohh. Okay.
157
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[siren stops]
158
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Oh, wait, Abigail.
You know the drill.
159
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You gotta let me go in first.
Come on!
160
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- Heidi, turn away, dear.
161
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[dramatic music]
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There's been a murder.
11899
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