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1
00:00:48,079 --> 00:00:50,138
There's an old joke.
2
00:00:50,214 --> 00:00:53,183
Two elderly women are
at a Catskill mountain resort.
3
00:00:53,251 --> 00:00:56,516
One says, "The food at this place
is really terrible. "
4
00:00:56,587 --> 00:00:59,579
The other says,
"I know, and such small portions. "
5
00:00:59,657 --> 00:01:02,626
That's essentially
how I feel about life:
6
00:01:02,693 --> 00:01:06,424
Full of loneliness, misery,
suffering and unhappiness...
7
00:01:06,497 --> 00:01:09,660
and it's all over
much too quickly.
8
00:01:09,734 --> 00:01:12,498
The other important joke for me...
9
00:01:12,570 --> 00:01:15,266
is one usually attributed
to Groucho Marx...
10
00:01:15,339 --> 00:01:19,207
but it appears originally in Freud's
Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious.
11
00:01:19,277 --> 00:01:21,507
It goes like this, I'm paraphrasing:
12
00:01:21,579 --> 00:01:25,948
I never want to belong to any club that
would have someone like me for a member.
13
00:01:26,017 --> 00:01:30,886
That's the key joke of my adult life
in terms of my relationships with women.
14
00:01:30,955 --> 00:01:34,152
Lately the strangest things
have been going through my mind...
15
00:01:34,225 --> 00:01:37,854
because I turned 40, and I guess
I'm going through a life crisis.
16
00:01:37,929 --> 00:01:40,659
I'm not worried about aging.
I'm not one of those characters.
17
00:01:40,731 --> 00:01:44,326
But I'm balding slightly on top. That's
about the worst you can say about me.
18
00:01:44,402 --> 00:01:47,735
I think I'm going to get better
as I get older.
19
00:01:47,805 --> 00:01:50,774
I think I'm going to be
the balding, virile type...
20
00:01:50,841 --> 00:01:54,675
as opposed to the distinguished gray.
21
00:01:54,745 --> 00:01:56,736
Unless I'm neither of those two.
22
00:01:56,814 --> 00:01:59,305
Unless I'm one of those guys with saliva
dribbling out of his mouth...
23
00:01:59,383 --> 00:02:04,013
who wanders into a cafeteria with a
shopping bag, screaming about socialism.
24
00:02:04,989 --> 00:02:08,652
Annie and I broke up, and I still
can't get my mind around that.
25
00:02:08,726 --> 00:02:12,287
I keep sifting the pieces
of the relationship through my mind...
26
00:02:12,363 --> 00:02:17,232
examining my life and trying to
figure out where did the screwup come.
27
00:02:17,301 --> 00:02:20,236
A year ago we were in love.
28
00:02:21,839 --> 00:02:25,502
It's funny. I'm not a morose type.
I'm not a depressive character.
29
00:02:26,911 --> 00:02:29,311
I was a reasonably happy kid.
30
00:02:29,380 --> 00:02:32,406
I was brought up in Brooklyn
during World War II.
31
00:02:33,718 --> 00:02:35,913
He's been depressed.
32
00:02:35,987 --> 00:02:38,421
- Suddenly he can't do anything.
- Why are you depressed, Alvy?
33
00:02:38,489 --> 00:02:42,516
Tell dr. Flicker.
It's something he read.
34
00:02:42,593 --> 00:02:44,584
Something he read, huh?
35
00:02:44,662 --> 00:02:48,928
- The universe is expanding.
- The universe is expanding?
36
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,798
The universe is everything,
and if it's expanding...
37
00:02:51,869 --> 00:02:55,737
someday it will break apart,
and that will be the end of everything.
38
00:02:55,806 --> 00:03:00,209
What is that your business?
He stopped doing his homework!
39
00:03:00,278 --> 00:03:03,770
- What's the point?
- What's the universe got to do with it?
40
00:03:03,848 --> 00:03:07,215
Y ou're here in Brooklyn.
Brooklyn is not expanding!
41
00:03:07,285 --> 00:03:11,278
It won't be expanding
for billions of years!
42
00:03:11,355 --> 00:03:16,292
We've got to try and enjoy ourselves
while we're here! Huh?
43
00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:24,431
My analyst says I exaggerate
my childhood memories...
44
00:03:24,502 --> 00:03:26,970
but I swear I was brought up
underneath the roller coaster...
45
00:03:27,038 --> 00:03:29,233
in the Coney Island section
of Brooklyn.
46
00:03:29,307 --> 00:03:33,607
Maybe that accounts for my personality,
which is a little nervous.
47
00:03:33,678 --> 00:03:38,411
I have a hyperactive imagination.
My mind tends to jump around a little.
48
00:03:38,482 --> 00:03:41,940
I have some trouble
between fantasy and reality.
49
00:03:42,853 --> 00:03:45,253
My father ran
the bumper-car concession.
50
00:03:45,323 --> 00:03:48,019
There he is, and there I am.
51
00:03:48,092 --> 00:03:51,550
I used to get my aggression out
through those cars.
52
00:03:53,864 --> 00:03:56,424
I remember the staff
at our public school.
53
00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:59,833
We had a saying,
"Those who can't do, teach...
54
00:03:59,904 --> 00:04:03,169
and those who can't teach,
teach gym. "
55
00:04:03,240 --> 00:04:07,643
And those who couldn't do anything,
I think, were assigned to our school.
56
00:04:10,414 --> 00:04:13,076
I must say, I always thought
my schoolmates were idiots.
57
00:04:13,150 --> 00:04:16,085
Melvyn Greenglass
and his fat little face.
58
00:04:16,153 --> 00:04:19,316
And henrietta Farrell,
Miss perfect all the time.
59
00:04:19,390 --> 00:04:22,985
And Ivan Ackerman,
always the wrong answer. Always!
60
00:04:23,060 --> 00:04:24,994
Seven and three is nine.
61
00:04:26,330 --> 00:04:28,298
Even then I knew
they were just jerks.
62
00:04:28,366 --> 00:04:31,858
In 1942 I had already discovered women.
63
00:04:34,405 --> 00:04:37,397
He kissed me!
64
00:04:37,475 --> 00:04:39,943
That's the second time this month!
Step up here.
65
00:04:40,010 --> 00:04:42,001
- What did I do?
- Step up here.
66
00:04:42,079 --> 00:04:44,673
- What did I do?
- Y ou should be ashamed of yourself.
67
00:04:44,749 --> 00:04:47,684
Why? I was just expressing
a healthy sexual curiosity.
68
00:04:47,752 --> 00:04:51,210
Six-year-old boys
don't have girls on their minds.
69
00:04:51,288 --> 00:04:52,448
I did.
70
00:04:52,523 --> 00:04:56,425
For God sakes, Alvy, even Freud
speaks of a latency period!
71
00:04:56,494 --> 00:04:59,657
I never had a latency period.
I can't help it.
72
00:04:59,730 --> 00:05:02,062
Why couldn't you
have been more like donald?
73
00:05:02,133 --> 00:05:04,499
There was a model boy.
74
00:05:04,568 --> 00:05:06,934
Tell the folks
where you are today, donald.
75
00:05:07,004 --> 00:05:10,531
I run a profitable dress company.
76
00:05:10,608 --> 00:05:14,339
Sometimes I wonder where
my classmates are today.
77
00:05:14,412 --> 00:05:18,280
I'm president
of the pinkus plumbing Company.
78
00:05:19,216 --> 00:05:21,116
I sell talliths.
79
00:05:21,185 --> 00:05:26,020
I used to be a heroin addict,
now I'm a methadone addict.
80
00:05:27,091 --> 00:05:29,389
I'm into leather.
81
00:05:30,561 --> 00:05:34,053
I lost track of most of my old
schoolmates, but I wound up a comedian.
82
00:05:34,131 --> 00:05:37,157
They did not take me in the army.
83
00:05:37,234 --> 00:05:39,896
I was 4-p.
84
00:05:39,970 --> 00:05:43,565
In the event of war,
I'm a hostage.
85
00:05:45,142 --> 00:05:48,578
Y ou always only saw the worst
in people.
86
00:05:48,646 --> 00:05:51,706
Y ou never could get along
with anyone in school.
87
00:05:51,782 --> 00:05:54,182
Y ou were always out of step
with the world.
88
00:05:54,251 --> 00:05:57,186
Even when you got famous,
you still distrusted the world.
89
00:05:57,254 --> 00:06:00,917
I distinctly heard it.
He muttered under his breath, "jew. "
90
00:06:00,991 --> 00:06:02,925
- Y ou're craZy.
- No, I'm not.
91
00:06:02,993 --> 00:06:06,156
We were walking off the tennis court.
He was there and me and his wife.
92
00:06:06,230 --> 00:06:08,255
He looked her,
then they both looked at me...
93
00:06:08,332 --> 00:06:10,493
and under his breath
he said, "jew. "
94
00:06:10,568 --> 00:06:12,536
Y ou're a total paranoid.
95
00:06:12,603 --> 00:06:15,504
How am I a paranoid?
I pick up on those kind of things.
96
00:06:15,573 --> 00:06:20,203
I was having lunch with guys from nBC,
so I said, "did you eat yet?"
97
00:06:20,277 --> 00:06:24,907
Tom Christie said, "no. Jew?"
Not "did you?"
98
00:06:24,982 --> 00:06:28,247
Not "did you eat?" but "jew eat?"
Y ou get it?
99
00:06:28,319 --> 00:06:30,947
- Max...
- stop calling me Max.
100
00:06:31,021 --> 00:06:34,752
Why? It's a good name for you.
Max, you see conspiracies in everything.
101
00:06:34,825 --> 00:06:37,350
No, I don't. I was in a record store.
Listen to this.
102
00:06:37,428 --> 00:06:43,025
There's this tall, blond crew-cutted guy
and he's looking at me in a funny way.
103
00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:46,001
He's saying, "y es, we have a sale
this week on Wagner. "
104
00:06:46,070 --> 00:06:49,335
Wagner, Max.
I know what he's trying to tell me.
105
00:06:49,406 --> 00:06:51,897
Very significantly, Wagner.
106
00:06:51,976 --> 00:06:55,537
Right, Max. California, Max.
107
00:06:55,613 --> 00:06:58,673
- Get the hell out of this craZy city.
- Forget it.
108
00:06:58,749 --> 00:07:01,741
We move to sunny L.A.
All of show business is out there.
109
00:07:01,819 --> 00:07:04,652
Y ou keep bringing it up,
but I don't want to live in a city...
110
00:07:04,722 --> 00:07:08,852
where the only cultural advantage is you
can make a right turn on a red light.
111
00:07:08,926 --> 00:07:11,918
All right, forget it. Aren't you
going to be late for meeting Annie?
112
00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:14,794
I'm meeting her in front of the Beekman.
I have a few minutes left, right?
113
00:07:31,815 --> 00:07:33,840
Are you on television?
114
00:07:38,455 --> 00:07:40,116
Y eah, occasionally.
115
00:07:40,190 --> 00:07:41,885
What's your name?
116
00:07:41,959 --> 00:07:43,893
Y ou wouldn't know it.
It doesn't matter.
117
00:07:43,961 --> 00:07:47,988
Y ou're on johnny Carson, right?
118
00:07:49,033 --> 00:07:50,796
Once in a while.
119
00:07:50,868 --> 00:07:53,393
What's your name?
120
00:07:53,470 --> 00:07:56,837
- I'm Robert Redford.
- Come on!
121
00:07:57,908 --> 00:08:01,105
Alvy singer.
Thanks very much for everything.
122
00:08:04,214 --> 00:08:06,239
This is Alvy singer!
123
00:08:08,452 --> 00:08:11,546
This guy's on television.
Alvy singer, right? Am I right?
124
00:08:11,622 --> 00:08:13,954
- Give me a break.
- This guy's on television.
125
00:08:14,024 --> 00:08:15,958
I need the large polo mallet.
126
00:08:16,026 --> 00:08:19,359
- Who's on television?
- This guy, on the johnny Carson show.
127
00:08:19,430 --> 00:08:23,025
- Is this a meeting of the teamsters?
- What program?
128
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:25,068
- Can I have your autograph?
- Y ou don't want my autograph.
129
00:08:25,135 --> 00:08:28,070
I do! It's for my girlfriend.
130
00:08:28,138 --> 00:08:30,163
Make it out to Ralph.
131
00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:33,835
- Y our girlfriend's name is Ralph?
- It's for my brother.
132
00:08:37,715 --> 00:08:39,808
Y ou're really Alvy singer,
the Tv star?
133
00:08:40,918 --> 00:08:44,877
- Alvy singer over here!
- It's all right, fellas.
134
00:08:44,955 --> 00:08:47,651
Jesus, what did you do?
Come by way of the panama Canal?
135
00:08:47,725 --> 00:08:50,956
- I'm in a bad mood.
- I'm here with the Godfather cast.
136
00:08:51,028 --> 00:08:55,158
- Learn to deal with it.
- I'm dealing with two guys named Cheech.
137
00:08:55,232 --> 00:08:57,826
Please, I have a headache.
138
00:08:57,901 --> 00:09:00,961
Y ou are in a bad mood.
Y ou must be getting your period.
139
00:09:01,038 --> 00:09:03,029
I'm not getting my period! Jesus!
140
00:09:03,107 --> 00:09:06,167
Every time anything out of the ordinary
happens, you think I have my period.
141
00:09:06,243 --> 00:09:08,973
A little louder. I think one
of them may have missed it.
142
00:09:09,046 --> 00:09:12,243
- Has the picture started?
- Two minutes ago.
143
00:09:12,316 --> 00:09:14,511
That's it. Forget it.
I can't go in.
144
00:09:14,585 --> 00:09:17,486
- Two minutes.
- We've blown it already.
145
00:09:17,554 --> 00:09:19,954
I can't go in, in the middle.
146
00:09:20,024 --> 00:09:22,959
In the middle? We've only missed
the titles. They're in swedish.
147
00:09:23,027 --> 00:09:24,961
Y ou want to get coffee for two hours?
148
00:09:25,029 --> 00:09:28,294
- Two hours? No. I'm going in.
- Go ahead. Good-bye.
149
00:09:28,365 --> 00:09:31,095
While we're talking,
we could be inside.
150
00:09:31,168 --> 00:09:35,070
Can we not argue in front of everybody?
I get embarrassed.
151
00:09:35,139 --> 00:09:39,803
- All right. So what do you want to do?
- I don't know. Go to another movie?
152
00:09:39,877 --> 00:09:42,141
- Let's see The sorrow and the pity.
- We've seen it.
153
00:09:42,212 --> 00:09:45,306
I'm not in the mood to see
a four hour documentary on naZis.
154
00:09:45,382 --> 00:09:47,407
I'm sorry.
155
00:09:47,484 --> 00:09:52,421
I've got to see a picture exactly
from start to finish, 'cause I'm anal.
156
00:09:52,489 --> 00:09:54,457
That's a polite word
for what you are.
157
00:09:56,694 --> 00:10:00,926
We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday.
It is not one of his best.
158
00:10:00,998 --> 00:10:03,057
It lacks a cohesive structure.
159
00:10:03,133 --> 00:10:07,001
Y ou get the feeling he's not absolutely
sure what it is he wants to say.
160
00:10:07,071 --> 00:10:12,008
I've always felt he was essentially
a technical filmmaker.
161
00:10:12,076 --> 00:10:15,170
Granted La strada was a great film.
162
00:10:15,245 --> 00:10:18,373
Great in its use of negative imagery
more than anything else.
163
00:10:18,449 --> 00:10:21,714
- I'm going to have a stroke.
- Stop listening to him.
164
00:10:22,753 --> 00:10:25,119
He's screaming his opinions in my ear.
165
00:10:25,189 --> 00:10:28,625
All that juliet of the spirits
or satyricon.
166
00:10:28,692 --> 00:10:31,889
I found it incredibly indulgent.
167
00:10:31,962 --> 00:10:35,159
He really is one of
the most indulgent of filmmakers.
168
00:10:35,232 --> 00:10:37,530
Key word here is "indulgent. "
169
00:10:38,602 --> 00:10:42,834
- What are you depressed about?
- I missed my therapy. I overslept.
170
00:10:42,906 --> 00:10:44,999
How can you possibly oversleep?
171
00:10:45,075 --> 00:10:46,770
The alarm clock.
172
00:10:46,844 --> 00:10:48,869
Y ou know what a hostile gesture
that is to me?
173
00:10:48,946 --> 00:10:51,938
I know. Because of our
sexual problem, right?
174
00:10:52,015 --> 00:10:55,974
Everybody in line has to know
our rate of intercourse?
175
00:10:56,053 --> 00:10:57,884
It's like samuel Beckett.
176
00:10:57,955 --> 00:11:01,789
I admire the technique,
but it doesn't hit me on a gut level.
177
00:11:01,859 --> 00:11:04,623
- I'd like to hit him on a gut level.
- Stop it.
178
00:11:04,695 --> 00:11:08,688
He's spitting on my neck
when he talks.
179
00:11:08,766 --> 00:11:11,929
Y ou know something else?
Y ou're so egocentric that...
180
00:11:12,002 --> 00:11:15,529
if I miss my therapy you can only think
of it in terms of how it affects you!
181
00:11:17,775 --> 00:11:20,005
They're probably on their first date.
182
00:11:20,077 --> 00:11:23,740
Probably met by answering an ad
in the new y ork Review of Books.
183
00:11:23,814 --> 00:11:25,748
"Thirtyish academic
wishes to meet woman...
184
00:11:25,816 --> 00:11:29,752
who's interested in MoZart,
james joyce and sodomy. "
185
00:11:29,820 --> 00:11:31,754
What do you mean
"our sexual problem"?
186
00:11:31,822 --> 00:11:34,347
I'm comparatively normal
for a guy raised in Brooklyn.
187
00:11:34,424 --> 00:11:38,485
I'm sorry. My sexual problem.
Okay? My sexual problem!
188
00:11:38,562 --> 00:11:42,726
I never read that. That was henry james'
sequel to Turn of the screw?
189
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:45,325
It's the influence of television.
190
00:11:45,402 --> 00:11:51,170
Marshall McLuhan deals with it
in terms of it being a high intensity.
191
00:11:51,241 --> 00:11:53,334
Do you understand?
A hot medium.
192
00:11:53,410 --> 00:11:57,642
What I wouldn't give for a large sock
with horse manure in it.
193
00:11:57,714 --> 00:12:01,514
What do you do when you get stuck
on a movie line with a guy like this?
194
00:12:01,585 --> 00:12:04,679
Wait. Why can't I give my opinion?
It's a free country!
195
00:12:04,755 --> 00:12:07,246
He can.
Do you have to give it so loud?
196
00:12:07,324 --> 00:12:09,758
Aren't you ashamed
to pontificate like that?
197
00:12:09,827 --> 00:12:14,127
The funny part is, you don't know
anything about Marshall McLuhan.
198
00:12:14,198 --> 00:12:18,760
I happen to teach a class at Columbia
called "Tv, Media and Culture. "
199
00:12:18,836 --> 00:12:22,636
I think my insights into Mr. McLuhan
have a great deal of validity.
200
00:12:22,706 --> 00:12:27,473
Do you? That's funny, because I happen
to have Mr. McLuhan right here.
201
00:12:27,544 --> 00:12:31,105
Just let me...
Come over here. Tell him.
202
00:12:31,181 --> 00:12:33,172
I heard what you were saying.
203
00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:37,744
Y ou know nothing of my work.
Y ou mean my whole fallacy is wrong.
204
00:12:37,821 --> 00:12:41,086
How you ever got to teach a course
in anything is totally amaZing!
205
00:12:41,158 --> 00:12:43,786
If life were only like this.
206
00:12:47,097 --> 00:12:51,397
June 14, 1940.
The German army occupies paris.
207
00:12:51,468 --> 00:12:55,564
All over the country,
people are desperate for food.
208
00:12:55,639 --> 00:12:59,234
Those guys in the French Resistance
were really brave.
209
00:12:59,309 --> 00:13:02,107
To have to listen
to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.
210
00:13:02,179 --> 00:13:06,047
I know. Sometimes I ask myself
how I'd stand up under torture.
211
00:13:06,116 --> 00:13:08,107
Y ou? Y ou kidding?
212
00:13:08,185 --> 00:13:12,178
The Gestapo would take away your charge
card, and you'd tell 'em everything.
213
00:13:12,256 --> 00:13:14,281
That movie makes me feel guilty.
214
00:13:14,358 --> 00:13:16,485
It's supposed to.
215
00:13:17,761 --> 00:13:20,559
- Alvy, I...
- What?
216
00:13:20,631 --> 00:13:22,929
What's the matter?
217
00:13:23,967 --> 00:13:26,868
It's not natural.
We're sleeping in a bed together.
218
00:13:26,937 --> 00:13:28,871
It's been a long time!
219
00:13:28,939 --> 00:13:31,407
It's just, I mean...
220
00:13:31,475 --> 00:13:34,137
I've got to sing tomorrow night,
so I have to rest my voice.
221
00:13:34,211 --> 00:13:37,476
It's always some kind of an excuse.
Y ou used to think I was very sexy.
222
00:13:37,547 --> 00:13:40,277
When we first started going out,
we had sex constantly.
223
00:13:40,350 --> 00:13:42,978
We're probably listed in
The Guiness Book of World Records.
224
00:13:43,053 --> 00:13:46,921
It'll pass. I'm going
through a phase, that's all.
225
00:13:46,990 --> 00:13:49,481
Y ou've been married before.
Y ou know how things can get.
226
00:13:49,559 --> 00:13:52,278
Y ou were very hot
for Allison at first.
227
00:13:56,216 --> 00:14:00,482
Y ou know that you're on right
after Chris Brown, in about 20 minutes.
228
00:14:00,553 --> 00:14:02,544
Excuse me.
When do I go on?
229
00:14:02,622 --> 00:14:04,613
Who are you?
230
00:14:04,691 --> 00:14:07,125
Alvy singer.
231
00:14:07,193 --> 00:14:09,855
- I'm the comedian.
- Oh, comedian.
232
00:14:09,929 --> 00:14:12,762
Oh, you're on next.
233
00:14:12,832 --> 00:14:14,959
What do you mean "next"?
234
00:14:15,034 --> 00:14:17,161
Y ou're on right after this act.
235
00:14:17,237 --> 00:14:19,967
- It can't be, because he's a comic.
- Y es.
236
00:14:20,039 --> 00:14:23,475
- Y ou're putting on two comics in a row?
- Why not?
237
00:14:23,543 --> 00:14:26,910
No, I'm sorry. I'm not going to go on
after another comedian.
238
00:14:26,980 --> 00:14:31,349
- It's okay.
- No. They're laughing. I'd rather not.
239
00:14:31,417 --> 00:14:33,885
Will you relax, please?
They're going to love you.
240
00:14:33,953 --> 00:14:37,013
I know. I prefer not to.
Look, they're laughing at him.
241
00:14:37,090 --> 00:14:39,354
What are you telling me?
They'll laugh at him a few minutes.
242
00:14:39,425 --> 00:14:42,485
Then I've got to get laughs, too.
How much can they laugh?
243
00:14:42,562 --> 00:14:45,326
- They're laughed out.
- Do you feel all right?
244
00:14:45,398 --> 00:14:47,525
Jesus.
245
00:14:48,568 --> 00:14:51,537
- What's your name?
- Allison.
246
00:14:51,604 --> 00:14:54,072
Y eah? Allison what?
247
00:14:54,140 --> 00:14:56,233
Portchnik.
248
00:14:56,609 --> 00:15:00,340
- Portchnik? That's nice.
- Thank you.
249
00:15:03,349 --> 00:15:07,308
So, you work for stevenson
all the time?
250
00:15:07,387 --> 00:15:11,483
- No. I'm doing my thesis.
- On what?
251
00:15:11,558 --> 00:15:14,721
Political commitment
in 20th-century literature.
252
00:15:14,794 --> 00:15:18,161
Y ou're like new y ork jewish,
left-wing, intellectual...
253
00:15:18,231 --> 00:15:21,496
Central park West, Brandeis University,
socialist summer camps...
254
00:15:21,568 --> 00:15:24,731
and the father
with the Ben shahn drawings...
255
00:15:24,804 --> 00:15:27,932
really strike-oriented...
256
00:15:28,007 --> 00:15:30,373
stop me before I make
a complete imbecile of myself.
257
00:15:30,443 --> 00:15:34,880
That was wonderful! I love being reduced
to a cultural stereotype.
258
00:15:34,948 --> 00:15:38,440
Right. I'm a bigot,
but for the left.
259
00:15:40,486 --> 00:15:44,547
I have to go out there.
Say something encouraging, quickly.
260
00:15:44,624 --> 00:15:48,287
- I think you're cute.
- Y eah? Do you?
261
00:15:48,895 --> 00:15:50,556
Go ahead.
262
00:16:01,407 --> 00:16:04,308
I don't know why they would have me
at this kind of rally...
263
00:16:04,377 --> 00:16:08,074
'cause I'm not essentially
a political comedian.
264
00:16:08,147 --> 00:16:12,811
I interestingly had dated a woman...
265
00:16:12,885 --> 00:16:15,979
in the eisenhower administration,
briefly.
266
00:16:16,055 --> 00:16:18,819
It was ironic to me...
267
00:16:20,126 --> 00:16:22,890
'cause I was trying to do to her...
268
00:16:22,962 --> 00:16:26,090
what eisenhower's been doing
to the country for the last eight years.
269
00:16:30,203 --> 00:16:32,330
I'm sorry.
I can't go through with this.
270
00:16:32,405 --> 00:16:35,863
I can't get it off my mind!
It's obsessing me!
271
00:16:35,942 --> 00:16:38,911
I'm getting tired of it.
I need your attention.
272
00:16:38,978 --> 00:16:43,108
But it doesn't make any sense.
He drove past the book depository...
273
00:16:43,182 --> 00:16:46,413
and the police said conclusively
that it was an exit wound.
274
00:16:46,486 --> 00:16:50,855
So how is it possible for Oswald
to have fired from two angles at once?
275
00:16:50,923 --> 00:16:52,982
It doesn't make sense!
276
00:16:54,260 --> 00:16:57,718
I'll tell you this.
He was not marksman enough...
277
00:16:57,797 --> 00:17:00,288
to hit a moving target at that range.
278
00:17:00,366 --> 00:17:04,860
But if there was a second assassin...
279
00:17:04,937 --> 00:17:07,497
- That's it!
- We've been through this.
280
00:17:07,573 --> 00:17:10,133
They recovered the shells
from that rifle.
281
00:17:10,209 --> 00:17:12,234
What are you saying now?
282
00:17:12,311 --> 00:17:16,771
That everybody on the Warren Commission
is in on this conspiracy, right?
283
00:17:16,849 --> 00:17:18,510
Why not?
284
00:17:18,584 --> 00:17:22,748
- Earl Warren?
- Honey, I don't know earl Warren.
285
00:17:22,822 --> 00:17:24,790
Lyndon johnson?
286
00:17:24,857 --> 00:17:27,223
Lyndon johnson is a politician!
287
00:17:27,293 --> 00:17:31,889
Y ou know the ethics those guys have.
It's a notch underneath child molester.
288
00:17:31,964 --> 00:17:34,398
Then everybody's in on the conspiracy.
289
00:17:34,467 --> 00:17:39,803
The FBI and the CIA and j. Edgar hoover,
the oil companies...
290
00:17:39,872 --> 00:17:43,205
the pentagon, the men's-room attendant
at the White house?
291
00:17:43,276 --> 00:17:46,439
I would leave out
the men's-room attendant.
292
00:17:46,512 --> 00:17:51,882
Y ou're using this conspiracy theory
as an excuse to avoid sex with me.
293
00:17:51,951 --> 00:17:55,284
Oh, my God!
She's right.
294
00:17:55,354 --> 00:17:57,549
Why did I turn off Allison portchnik?
295
00:17:57,623 --> 00:18:01,582
She was beautiful. She was willing.
She was real intelligent.
296
00:18:01,661 --> 00:18:04,528
Is it the old Groucho Marx joke...
297
00:18:04,597 --> 00:18:08,556
that I don't want to belong to any club
that would have me for a member?
298
00:18:08,701 --> 00:18:12,193
- Alvy, don't panic!
- It's a mistake...
299
00:18:12,271 --> 00:18:14,205
to bring a live thing in the house.
300
00:18:14,273 --> 00:18:16,264
Don't do that.
301
00:18:16,342 --> 00:18:19,869
Maybe we should call the police.
Dial 911. It's the lobster squad.
302
00:18:19,946 --> 00:18:22,471
They're only baby ones.
For God sakes.
303
00:18:22,548 --> 00:18:25,676
- If they're babies, you pick them up.
- All right! All right!
304
00:18:25,752 --> 00:18:28,653
- Here you go!
- Don't give it to me.
305
00:18:28,721 --> 00:18:32,020
Look! One crawled
behind the refrigerator.
306
00:18:32,091 --> 00:18:35,925
It'll turn up in our bed at night.
Get out of here with that thing!
307
00:18:37,597 --> 00:18:40,122
Talk to him.
Y ou speak shellfish.
308
00:18:40,199 --> 00:18:43,032
Hey, put it in the pot.
309
00:18:43,102 --> 00:18:46,629
I can't. I can't put a live thing
in hot water.
310
00:18:46,706 --> 00:18:48,970
What d'you think we were going to do,
take him to the movies?
311
00:18:49,041 --> 00:18:51,134
Good. Oh, thank you.
312
00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:54,202
Okay, it's in.
It's definitely in the pot.
313
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,044
Annie, there's a big lobster
behind the refrigerator.
314
00:18:57,116 --> 00:19:00,051
I can't get it out.
This thing's heavy.
315
00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:04,021
Maybe if I put a dish of butter sauce
here, it'll run out the other side.
316
00:19:04,090 --> 00:19:06,024
I'm going to get my camera.
317
00:19:06,092 --> 00:19:08,686
I think if I could pry...
318
00:19:08,761 --> 00:19:12,253
We should have gotten steaks, 'cause
they don't have legs and run around.
319
00:19:15,802 --> 00:19:19,067
- Pick this lobster up. Hold it, please.
- Y ou're going to take pictures now?
320
00:19:19,138 --> 00:19:22,835
Alvy, it'll be wonderful.
Oh, lovely!
321
00:19:22,909 --> 00:19:26,606
- It's disgusting.
- One more, please? One more.
322
00:19:26,679 --> 00:19:28,112
Good!
323
00:19:28,181 --> 00:19:31,639
Here's what I want to know.
Am I your first, big romance?
324
00:19:34,253 --> 00:19:38,246
- Who was?
- There was dennis from high school.
325
00:19:38,324 --> 00:19:43,125
Local kid who'd meet you in front
of the movie house on saturday night?
326
00:19:43,196 --> 00:19:48,133
- Y ou should've seen how I looked then.
- I can imagine. An astronaut's wife.
327
00:19:48,201 --> 00:19:51,170
- Then there was jerry, the actor.
- Look at you.
328
00:19:51,237 --> 00:19:53,171
Y ou're such a clown.
329
00:19:53,239 --> 00:19:56,766
- I look pretty.
- Y ou always do. But that guy with you!
330
00:19:56,843 --> 00:20:01,371
Acting is like an exploration
of the soul. It's very religious.
331
00:20:01,447 --> 00:20:04,974
Like a kind of
liberating consciousness.
332
00:20:05,051 --> 00:20:07,315
It's like a visual poem.
333
00:20:07,386 --> 00:20:09,445
Is he kidding with that crap?
334
00:20:09,522 --> 00:20:11,854
Oh, right!
335
00:20:11,924 --> 00:20:15,382
Right. I think I know exactly what
you mean when you say "religious. "
336
00:20:15,461 --> 00:20:18,191
- Y ou do?
- Come on. I was younger.
337
00:20:18,264 --> 00:20:20,198
That was last year!
338
00:20:20,266 --> 00:20:23,235
It's like when I think of dying.
Y ou know how I'd like to die?
339
00:20:23,302 --> 00:20:24,735
How?
340
00:20:24,804 --> 00:20:27,898
I'd like to get torn apart
by wild animals.
341
00:20:27,974 --> 00:20:31,740
- Heavy! Eaten by some squirrels.
- He was a terrific actor.
342
00:20:31,811 --> 00:20:35,144
He's neat looking
and he was emotional.
343
00:20:35,214 --> 00:20:37,444
I don't think you like
emotion too much.
344
00:20:37,516 --> 00:20:40,349
Touch my heart with your foot.
345
00:20:40,419 --> 00:20:42,250
I may throw up.
346
00:20:42,321 --> 00:20:44,846
- He was creepy.
- Y eah!
347
00:20:44,924 --> 00:20:50,260
- Y ou're pretty lucky I came along.
- Oh, really? La-de-dah!
348
00:20:50,329 --> 00:20:54,163
If anyone ever told me
that I'd be taking out a girl...
349
00:20:54,233 --> 00:20:56,292
who used expressions
like "la-de-dah"...
350
00:20:56,369 --> 00:20:59,600
That's right. Y ou really like
those new y ork girls.
351
00:20:59,672 --> 00:21:03,073
- Not just. Not only.
- I'd say so. Y ou married two of them.
352
00:21:03,142 --> 00:21:05,734
There's henry drucker.
353
00:21:05,811 --> 00:21:07,938
He has a Chair in history
at princeton.
354
00:21:08,014 --> 00:21:12,212
The short man is hershel kaminsky.
He has a Chair in philosophy at Cornell.
355
00:21:12,285 --> 00:21:14,219
Two more chairs,
they got a dining room set.
356
00:21:14,287 --> 00:21:17,723
- Why are you so hostile?
- I want to watch the knicks on Tv.
357
00:21:17,790 --> 00:21:20,054
Is that paul Goodman? No.
358
00:21:20,126 --> 00:21:23,220
Be nice to the host,
because he's publishing my book.
359
00:21:23,296 --> 00:21:26,424
Hi, doug.
Douglas Wyeth...
360
00:21:26,499 --> 00:21:29,161
The Foul Rag-and-Bone shop
of the heart.
361
00:21:29,235 --> 00:21:30,930
I'm so tired
of spending evenings...
362
00:21:31,003 --> 00:21:33,028
making fake insights
with people who work for dysentery.
363
00:21:33,105 --> 00:21:34,538
Commentary.
364
00:21:34,607 --> 00:21:38,600
I heard Commentary and dissent
had merged and formed dysentery.
365
00:21:38,678 --> 00:21:41,738
No jokes.
These are friends. Okay?
366
00:21:41,814 --> 00:21:45,272
Cleveland Cavaliers losing
to the new y ork knicks.
367
00:21:45,351 --> 00:21:49,549
Here you are.
There's people out there.
368
00:21:49,622 --> 00:21:52,420
Two minutes ago,
the knicks are ahead 14 points...
369
00:21:52,491 --> 00:21:54,982
and now they're ahead two points.
370
00:21:55,328 --> 00:21:58,923
Alvy, what is so fascinating...
371
00:21:58,998 --> 00:22:03,867
about a group of pituitary cases
trying to stuff a ball through a hoop?
372
00:22:03,936 --> 00:22:06,063
What is fascinating
is that it's physical.
373
00:22:06,138 --> 00:22:08,072
That's one thing about intellectuals:
374
00:22:08,140 --> 00:22:11,769
They've proved you can be brilliant
and have no idea what's going on.
375
00:22:11,844 --> 00:22:16,679
But, on the other hand,
the body doesn't lie as we now know.
376
00:22:18,017 --> 00:22:19,575
Stop acting out.
377
00:22:19,652 --> 00:22:22,780
It'll be great, because all those
ph. d. S are in there discussing...
378
00:22:22,855 --> 00:22:26,723
modes of alienation,
and we'll be in here quietly humping.
379
00:22:26,792 --> 00:22:31,354
Don't. Y ou're using sex
to express hostility.
380
00:22:31,430 --> 00:22:36,265
"Why do you always reduce my animal
urges to psychoanalytic categories,"...
381
00:22:36,335 --> 00:22:39,361
he said as he removed her brassier.
382
00:22:41,173 --> 00:22:45,439
There are people out there
from the new y orker magaZine!
383
00:22:45,511 --> 00:22:48,537
My God!
What would they think?
384
00:22:55,321 --> 00:22:58,256
- Damn siren!
- Don't get upset.
385
00:22:58,324 --> 00:23:00,189
Damn it! I was so close!
386
00:23:00,259 --> 00:23:02,955
Last night it was a guy
honking his car horn.
387
00:23:03,029 --> 00:23:06,021
The city can't close down.
388
00:23:06,098 --> 00:23:09,625
Y ou want them to close the airport
so we can have sex?
389
00:23:09,702 --> 00:23:12,364
I'm too tense.
I need a valium.
390
00:23:12,438 --> 00:23:15,430
My analyst says I should live
in the country and not in new y ork.
391
00:23:15,508 --> 00:23:19,035
We can't have this discussion all
the time. The country makes me nervous.
392
00:23:19,111 --> 00:23:22,979
Y ou've got crickets. It's quiet.
There's no place to walk after dinner.
393
00:23:23,049 --> 00:23:26,075
There's the screens
with the dead moths behind them.
394
00:23:26,152 --> 00:23:29,144
Y ou got the Manson family, possibly.
Y ou got dick and perry.
395
00:23:29,221 --> 00:23:34,215
Okay! My analyst just thinks I'm too
tense! Where's the goddamn valium?
396
00:23:34,293 --> 00:23:36,693
Okay, it's quiet now.
We can get started again.
397
00:23:36,762 --> 00:23:39,526
I can't! My head is throbbing.
398
00:23:39,598 --> 00:23:41,725
- Y ou got a headache?
- I have a headache!
399
00:23:41,801 --> 00:23:44,668
- Bad?
- Like Oswald in Ghosts.
400
00:23:44,737 --> 00:23:47,137
- Jesus.
- Where are you going?
401
00:23:47,206 --> 00:23:50,607
I'm going to take another in a series
of cold showers.
402
00:23:50,709 --> 00:23:53,041
Max, my serve is going to send you
to the showers early.
403
00:23:53,112 --> 00:23:55,103
Right. To get back to what
we were discussing.
404
00:23:55,181 --> 00:23:58,617
The failure of the country to get behind
new y ork City is anti-semitism.
405
00:23:58,684 --> 00:24:00,584
Max, the city is terribly run.
406
00:24:00,653 --> 00:24:04,020
I'm not discussing politics
or economics. This is foreskin.
407
00:24:04,090 --> 00:24:08,186
That's a convenient out. When some group
disagrees with you, it's anti-semitism.
408
00:24:08,260 --> 00:24:10,785
The rest of the country
looks upon new y ork...
409
00:24:10,863 --> 00:24:14,765
like we're left-wing, communist, jewish,
homosexual pornographers.
410
00:24:14,834 --> 00:24:17,428
I think of us that way sometimes,
and I live here.
411
00:24:17,503 --> 00:24:22,031
Max, if we lived in California, we could
play outdoors every day in the sun.
412
00:24:22,108 --> 00:24:25,271
Sun is bad for you. Everything
our parents said was good is bad.
413
00:24:25,344 --> 00:24:27,938
Sun, milk, red meat, college.
414
00:24:29,682 --> 00:24:31,650
Egad, here he comes.
415
00:24:35,354 --> 00:24:37,686
Y ou know Alvy?
This is janet.
416
00:24:37,756 --> 00:24:41,351
- This is Annie hall.
- This is Alvy.
417
00:24:41,427 --> 00:24:45,022
- Who's playing with who here?
- Y ou and me against them?
418
00:24:45,097 --> 00:24:47,190
- That's not fair.
- I can't play too good.
419
00:24:47,266 --> 00:24:48,733
I've had four lessons.
420
00:25:11,690 --> 00:25:13,715
Well...
421
00:25:13,792 --> 00:25:15,282
bye.
422
00:25:18,664 --> 00:25:22,065
- Y ou play very well.
- Oh, yeah? So do you!
423
00:25:22,134 --> 00:25:25,194
God, what a dumb thing to say.
424
00:25:25,271 --> 00:25:30,140
Y ou say "y ou play well," and right away
I have to say, "y ou play well. "
425
00:25:30,209 --> 00:25:32,370
Oh, God, Annie.
426
00:25:32,444 --> 00:25:35,572
Well. Oh, well!
427
00:25:35,648 --> 00:25:38,082
La-de-dah.
428
00:25:39,051 --> 00:25:41,019
Y ou want a lift?
429
00:25:41,086 --> 00:25:45,614
Oh, why?
Y ou got a car?
430
00:25:45,691 --> 00:25:48,489
No, I was going to take a cab.
431
00:25:48,561 --> 00:25:51,052
Oh, no. I have a car.
432
00:25:52,097 --> 00:25:54,031
Y ou have a car?
433
00:25:56,035 --> 00:25:58,026
If you have a car...
434
00:25:58,103 --> 00:26:01,561
then why did you say, "do you have
a car" like you wanted a lift?
435
00:26:04,043 --> 00:26:06,637
GeeZ, I don't know.
I wasn't...
436
00:26:07,813 --> 00:26:11,749
I got this vW out there.
437
00:26:11,817 --> 00:26:13,372
What a jerk.
438
00:26:13,506 --> 00:26:16,339
Would you like a lift?
439
00:26:16,409 --> 00:26:20,573
- Sure. Which way are you going?
- Me? Oh, downtown.
440
00:26:20,646 --> 00:26:22,614
I'm going uptown.
441
00:26:22,682 --> 00:26:25,116
Oh, I'm going uptown, too.
442
00:26:25,184 --> 00:26:28,813
- Y ou said you were going downtown.
- Y eah, well...
443
00:26:28,888 --> 00:26:31,322
I can go uptown, too.
I live uptown.
444
00:26:31,390 --> 00:26:35,292
What the hell? It would be nice
having company. I hate driving alone.
445
00:26:36,329 --> 00:26:38,763
How long do you know janet?
Where do you know her from?
446
00:26:38,831 --> 00:26:41,459
- I'm in her acting class.
- Y ou're an actress!
447
00:26:41,534 --> 00:26:43,729
Well, I do commercials, sort of.
448
00:26:43,803 --> 00:26:47,239
Y ou want to watch the road?
Y ou're not from new y ork, right?
449
00:26:47,306 --> 00:26:50,298
- Chippewa Falls.
- Right.
450
00:26:50,376 --> 00:26:52,435
- Where?
- Wisconsin.
451
00:26:52,511 --> 00:26:56,242
- Y ou're driving a tad rapidly.
- Don't worry. I'm a very good driver.
452
00:26:58,184 --> 00:27:00,584
- Y ou want some gum?
- No, thanks.
453
00:27:00,653 --> 00:27:04,145
- Where is it?
- Don't do that. No, no, watch the road.
454
00:27:04,223 --> 00:27:06,054
I'll get it.
Concentrate, will ya?
455
00:27:06,125 --> 00:27:08,923
- I'll get you a piece.
- Listen. Y ou drive?
456
00:27:08,995 --> 00:27:12,089
Do I drive?
No, I got a problem with driving.
457
00:27:12,164 --> 00:27:14,223
- Y ou do?
- Y eah.
458
00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:17,326
I got a license,
but I have too much hostility.
459
00:27:18,604 --> 00:27:20,936
Nice car.
Y ou keep it nice.
460
00:27:21,007 --> 00:27:24,636
- Can I ask you, is this a sandwich?
- Oh, yeah.
461
00:27:29,882 --> 00:27:33,682
I live over here. Oh, my God, look!
There's a parking space.
462
00:27:38,891 --> 00:27:41,860
That's okay,
we can walk to the curb from here.
463
00:27:43,029 --> 00:27:45,725
Y ou want your tennis stuff?
Y ou want your gear?
464
00:27:45,798 --> 00:27:48,699
Y eah. That's good. Thanks.
Thanks a lot. Well.
465
00:27:48,768 --> 00:27:50,201
Well.
466
00:27:52,104 --> 00:27:54,072
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
467
00:27:54,140 --> 00:27:56,973
Y ou're a wonderful tennis player...
468
00:27:57,043 --> 00:27:59,568
and you're the worst driver
I've ever seen in my life.
469
00:27:59,645 --> 00:28:03,411
Anyplace. Europe. Anyplace. Asia.
470
00:28:03,482 --> 00:28:05,848
- I love what you're wearing.
- Y ou do? Y eah.
471
00:28:05,918 --> 00:28:10,287
This tie is a present from Grammy hall.
472
00:28:10,356 --> 00:28:12,847
Who? Grammy hall?
473
00:28:12,925 --> 00:28:14,620
Y eah, my grammy.
474
00:28:14,694 --> 00:28:17,857
What did you do, grow up in a
norman Rockwell painting? Y our grammy?
475
00:28:17,930 --> 00:28:22,230
- It's pretty silly, isn't it?
- My grammy never gave gifts.
476
00:28:22,301 --> 00:28:25,236
She was too busy getting raped
by Cossacks.
477
00:28:25,304 --> 00:28:27,534
Well, thank you again.
478
00:28:27,606 --> 00:28:29,164
Oh, yeah.
479
00:28:29,241 --> 00:28:33,109
Listen. Y ou want to come upstairs
and have a glass of wine or something?
480
00:28:33,179 --> 00:28:36,637
No, I mean you don't have to.
Y ou're probably late and everything.
481
00:28:36,716 --> 00:28:39,048
No, that would be fine.
I wouldn't mind. Sure.
482
00:28:39,118 --> 00:28:43,748
I got time. I got nothing
until my analyst appointment.
483
00:28:43,823 --> 00:28:45,882
Y ou see an analyst?
484
00:28:45,958 --> 00:28:49,689
- Just for 15 years.
- 15 years?
485
00:28:49,762 --> 00:28:52,287
I'm going to give him one more year,
and then I'm going to Lourdes.
486
00:28:52,364 --> 00:28:55,356
15? Nah, come on! Y eah? Really?
487
00:28:55,534 --> 00:28:58,901
Sylvia plath. Interesting poetess
whose tragic suicide...
488
00:28:58,971 --> 00:29:02,771
was misinterpreted as romantic
by the college-girl mentality.
489
00:29:03,809 --> 00:29:07,472
Right. I don't know.
I mean, some of her poems seem neat.
490
00:29:07,546 --> 00:29:10,879
Neat? I hate to tell you this is 1975.
491
00:29:10,950 --> 00:29:13,350
"Neat" went out
at the turn of the century.
492
00:29:13,419 --> 00:29:15,717
Who are those photos on the wall?
493
00:29:15,788 --> 00:29:18,484
Oh, you see...
494
00:29:18,557 --> 00:29:22,653
that's my dad, that's Father,
and that's my brother, duane.
495
00:29:22,728 --> 00:29:25,629
Y eah, right.
And over there's Grammy hall.
496
00:29:25,698 --> 00:29:28,633
- And that's sadie.
- Who's sadie?
497
00:29:28,701 --> 00:29:34,401
Well, sadie met Grammy
through Grammy's brother, George.
498
00:29:34,473 --> 00:29:36,805
George was real sweet.
He had that thing.
499
00:29:36,876 --> 00:29:42,314
What is that thing where you fall asleep
in the middle of a sentence?
500
00:29:42,381 --> 00:29:44,315
- Narcolepsy.
- Right.
501
00:29:44,383 --> 00:29:49,184
So anyway, George went to the union
to get his free turkey...
502
00:29:49,255 --> 00:29:52,918
because the union always gave George
this free turkey at Christmastime...
503
00:29:52,992 --> 00:29:56,519
because he was shell-shocked
in the first World War.
504
00:29:56,595 --> 00:30:00,588
Anyway, so George is standing in line...
505
00:30:00,666 --> 00:30:03,066
getting his free turkey...
506
00:30:03,135 --> 00:30:08,198
but the thing is he falls asleep,
and he never wakes up.
507
00:30:08,274 --> 00:30:10,970
So he's dead.
508
00:30:11,043 --> 00:30:13,341
He's dead. Y eah.
509
00:30:13,412 --> 00:30:14,936
Oh, dear.
510
00:30:15,014 --> 00:30:17,778
Well, terrible, huh?
Wouldn't you say?
511
00:30:17,850 --> 00:30:19,579
Pretty awful.
512
00:30:19,652 --> 00:30:22,985
It's a great story, though.
It really made my day.
513
00:30:23,055 --> 00:30:26,149
I think I should get out of here,
'cause I think I'm imposing.
514
00:30:26,225 --> 00:30:29,353
Really? Maybe...
515
00:30:29,428 --> 00:30:33,728
- y ou don't have to.
- But I'm all perspired and everything.
516
00:30:33,799 --> 00:30:36,393
Didn't you take a shower at the club?
517
00:30:36,468 --> 00:30:39,028
No, no. I never shower
in a public place.
518
00:30:39,104 --> 00:30:40,537
Why not?
519
00:30:40,606 --> 00:30:44,736
I don't like to get naked in front
of another man.
520
00:30:44,810 --> 00:30:46,243
I see.
521
00:30:46,312 --> 00:30:49,770
I don't like to show my body
to a man of my gender.
522
00:30:49,849 --> 00:30:52,477
- I see, I guess.
- Y ou never know what's going to happen.
523
00:30:52,551 --> 00:30:55,884
- 15 years, huh?
- 15 years, yeah.
524
00:30:56,589 --> 00:30:58,022
God bless.
525
00:31:02,328 --> 00:31:04,728
Well! Well...
526
00:31:06,131 --> 00:31:08,929
y ou're what Grammy hall
would call "a real jew. "
527
00:31:11,570 --> 00:31:13,003
Thank you.
528
00:31:14,173 --> 00:31:17,438
She hates jews.
She thinks they just make money.
529
00:31:17,509 --> 00:31:20,603
But she's the one, is she ever.
I'm telling you.
530
00:31:25,551 --> 00:31:28,145
So, did you do
those photographs in there?
531
00:31:29,355 --> 00:31:33,348
I dabble? Listen to me. What a jerk. Y
eah, I sort of dabble around, you know.
532
00:31:33,993 --> 00:31:37,656
Y ou are a great-looking girl.
They're wonderful. They have a quality.
533
00:31:37,730 --> 00:31:41,928
He probably thinks I'm a yo-yo. Well, I would
like to take a serious photography course.
534
00:31:42,001 --> 00:31:43,969
Photography's interesting because...
535
00:31:44,036 --> 00:31:48,370
I wonder what she looks like naked. It's a new art
form. A set of aesthetic criteria have not emerged yet.
536
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:52,240
I'm not smart enough for him. Hang in there.
Y ou mean whether it's a good photo or not?
537
00:31:52,311 --> 00:31:57,271
I don't know what I'm saying. She senses I'm shallow. The
medium enters in as a condition of the art form itself.
538
00:31:57,383 --> 00:32:02,320
God, I hope he doesn't turn out to be a schmuck like the
others. Well, to me... I mean... It's all instinctive.
539
00:32:02,388 --> 00:32:07,325
I just try to feel it, to get a sense
of it and not think about it so much.
540
00:32:07,393 --> 00:32:12,922
Christ, I sound like FM radio. Relax. Still, you need
aesthetic guidelines to put it in social perspective.
541
00:32:14,733 --> 00:32:17,759
I don't know. I mean,
I guess you must be sort of late.
542
00:32:17,836 --> 00:32:22,535
Y ou know, I've got to get there
and begin whining soon.
543
00:32:22,608 --> 00:32:24,599
Are you busy Friday night?
544
00:32:24,677 --> 00:32:27,874
Me? Oh, no.
545
00:32:27,947 --> 00:32:31,178
Oh, I'm sorry, I have something.
What about saturday night?
546
00:32:33,352 --> 00:32:35,286
Nothing. No, no.
547
00:32:35,354 --> 00:32:38,585
Y ou're very popular, I can see.
548
00:32:38,657 --> 00:32:40,591
- I know.
- Y ou have plague?
549
00:32:40,659 --> 00:32:43,184
I meet a lot of jerks.
550
00:32:43,262 --> 00:32:45,253
I meet a lot of jerks, too.
551
00:32:45,331 --> 00:32:48,459
I'm thinking about
getting some cats.
552
00:32:48,534 --> 00:32:52,265
Wait a second! No, no!
Oh, shoot!
553
00:32:52,338 --> 00:32:56,798
Saturday night, I'm going to sing.
554
00:32:56,875 --> 00:32:59,366
Y ou're going to sing? Y ou sing?
No kidding!
555
00:32:59,445 --> 00:33:02,437
- This is my first time.
- Really? Where?
556
00:33:02,514 --> 00:33:04,778
I'd like to come.
557
00:33:04,850 --> 00:33:07,580
- I'm interested.
- No, no. I'm just a...
558
00:33:07,653 --> 00:33:11,680
I'm auditioning at this club.
It's my first time.
559
00:33:11,757 --> 00:33:14,225
That's okay, 'cause I know exactly
what that's like.
560
00:33:14,293 --> 00:33:17,126
Y ou're going to like nightclubs.
They're really a lot of fun.
561
00:33:22,534 --> 00:33:25,094
It had to be you
562
00:33:28,173 --> 00:33:34,874
It had to be you
563
00:33:36,415 --> 00:33:41,318
I wandered around
And finally found
564
00:33:41,387 --> 00:33:47,883
This somebody who
565
00:33:49,028 --> 00:33:54,523
Could make me be true
566
00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:59,765
Could make me be blue
567
00:34:01,774 --> 00:34:04,834
And even be glad
568
00:34:04,910 --> 00:34:07,470
just to be sad
569
00:34:08,814 --> 00:34:14,650
Thinking of you
570
00:34:14,853 --> 00:34:18,050
I was awful! I'm so ashamed!
I can't sing.
571
00:34:18,123 --> 00:34:20,216
So the audience was a tad restless.
572
00:34:20,292 --> 00:34:23,591
What do you mean, "a tad restless"?
My God, they hated me!
573
00:34:23,662 --> 00:34:26,062
No, they didn't.
Y ou have a wonderful voice.
574
00:34:26,131 --> 00:34:28,122
- I'm going to quit.
- I'm not going to let you.
575
00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:30,691
- Y ou have a great voice.
- Do you think so, really?
576
00:34:30,769 --> 00:34:35,035
- Y eah! It's terrific.
- I never even took a lesson either.
577
00:34:35,107 --> 00:34:38,565
- Listen, give me a kiss.
- Really?
578
00:34:38,644 --> 00:34:41,306
Why not? Because we're just going
to go home later.
579
00:34:41,380 --> 00:34:43,871
There's going to be all that tension.
We've never kissed before.
580
00:34:43,949 --> 00:34:46,042
I'll never know when
to make the right move.
581
00:34:46,118 --> 00:34:48,882
We'll kiss now and get it over with,
and then we'll go eat. Okay?
582
00:34:48,954 --> 00:34:51,320
We'll digest our food better.
583
00:34:53,158 --> 00:34:56,265
Okay? Now we can digest our food.
584
00:34:56,399 --> 00:34:58,560
Corned beef, please.
585
00:34:58,634 --> 00:35:01,762
I'm having pastrami on white bread...
586
00:35:01,838 --> 00:35:04,807
with mayonnaise, tomatoes and lettuce.
587
00:35:07,610 --> 00:35:10,670
So, your second wife left you.
588
00:35:10,746 --> 00:35:13,408
Were you depressed about that?
589
00:35:13,483 --> 00:35:17,112
Nothing that a few mega-vitamins
couldn't cure.
590
00:35:17,186 --> 00:35:21,054
- Y our first wife, Allison.
- She was nice.
591
00:35:21,123 --> 00:35:23,614
That was my fault.
I was too craZy.
592
00:35:27,530 --> 00:35:31,193
That was so nice!
That was nice.
593
00:35:31,267 --> 00:35:35,135
As BalZac said,
"There goes another novel. "
594
00:35:36,239 --> 00:35:37,968
Y ou were great.
595
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:40,600
Oh, yeah? Y eah?
596
00:35:40,676 --> 00:35:44,840
- Y eah, I'm wrecked.
- Y ou're wrecked.
597
00:35:44,914 --> 00:35:49,442
I mean it.
I'll never play the piano again.
598
00:35:49,519 --> 00:35:52,647
It was, I don't know.
Y ou really thought it was good?
599
00:35:52,722 --> 00:35:58,183
Good? Y es. No, that was the most fun
I've had without laughing.
600
00:35:58,261 --> 00:36:00,126
Here, you want some?
601
00:36:00,196 --> 00:36:05,691
No, I don't use
any major hallucinogenics.
602
00:36:05,768 --> 00:36:10,228
I took a puff about five years ago
at a party...
603
00:36:10,306 --> 00:36:13,207
and tried to take my pants off
over my head.
604
00:36:15,878 --> 00:36:21,077
I don't do it very often.
It just sort of relaxes me.
605
00:36:23,486 --> 00:36:26,478
- Y ou won't believe this, but...
- What?
606
00:36:29,825 --> 00:36:32,794
I'm going to buy you these books...
607
00:36:32,862 --> 00:36:36,161
because I think you should read them
instead of that cat book.
608
00:36:36,232 --> 00:36:38,996
That's pretty serious stuff.
609
00:36:39,068 --> 00:36:41,502
I'm obsessed with death, I think.
610
00:36:41,571 --> 00:36:44,597
It's a big subject with me.
I have a pessimistic view of life.
611
00:36:44,674 --> 00:36:47,040
Y ou should know this about me
if we're going to go out.
612
00:36:47,109 --> 00:36:50,306
I feel that life is divided up
into the horrible and the miserable.
613
00:36:50,379 --> 00:36:52,370
Those are the two categories.
614
00:36:52,448 --> 00:36:57,215
The horrible would be like terminal
cases and blind people, cripples.
615
00:36:57,286 --> 00:36:59,754
I don't know how they get through life.
It's amaZing to me.
616
00:36:59,822 --> 00:37:02,620
And the miserable is everyone else.
617
00:37:02,692 --> 00:37:05,126
So when you go through life,
be thankful that you're miserable.
618
00:37:05,194 --> 00:37:07,890
Y ou're very lucky to be miserable.
619
00:37:09,465 --> 00:37:14,300
Look at that guy.
There's Mr. Miami Beach in the pink.
620
00:37:14,370 --> 00:37:17,134
He's just come back
from the gin rummy finals.
621
00:37:17,206 --> 00:37:19,037
He placed third.
622
00:37:19,108 --> 00:37:22,134
Look at these guys. That's hilarious.
They're back from Fire Island.
623
00:37:22,211 --> 00:37:25,078
They're sort of giving it
a chance romantically.
624
00:37:25,147 --> 00:37:28,048
- Italian, right?
- Him? He's the Mafia.
625
00:37:28,117 --> 00:37:31,450
Linen supply business
or cement and contracting.
626
00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:35,115
Oh, gee,
mess up my moustache wax.
627
00:37:35,191 --> 00:37:37,989
There's the winner of the Truman Capote
look-alike contest.
628
00:37:38,094 --> 00:37:42,861
Y ou are unbelievably sexy.
Y es, you are.
629
00:37:42,932 --> 00:37:46,800
Y ou know what you are?
Y ou're polymorphously perverse.
630
00:37:46,869 --> 00:37:49,394
What does that mean?
I don't know what that is.
631
00:37:49,472 --> 00:37:52,407
Y ou're exceptional in bed...
632
00:37:52,475 --> 00:37:55,467
because you get pleasure in every part
of your body when I touch it.
633
00:37:55,544 --> 00:37:59,378
Like the tip of your nose, and if
I stroke your teeth or your knee caps...
634
00:37:59,448 --> 00:38:01,609
you certainly get excited.
635
00:38:01,684 --> 00:38:06,018
Y ou know what?
I like you, I really do.
636
00:38:06,088 --> 00:38:09,023
But do you love me?
That's the key question.
637
00:38:09,091 --> 00:38:11,423
I know you've only known me
a short while.
638
00:38:11,494 --> 00:38:15,453
I think that's sort of...
y eah, yeah.
639
00:38:15,531 --> 00:38:17,465
Do you love me?
640
00:38:17,533 --> 00:38:22,994
Love is too weak a word for what...
I "lurve" you.
641
00:38:23,072 --> 00:38:27,372
I "loave" you.
I "luff" you, with two "f"s.
642
00:38:27,443 --> 00:38:29,604
Of course I do.
Don't you think I do?
643
00:38:29,679 --> 00:38:31,772
I don't know.
644
00:38:33,649 --> 00:38:36,516
What do you mean? Y ou're not going
to give up your own apartment, are you?
645
00:38:36,585 --> 00:38:38,519
- Of course.
- But why?
646
00:38:38,587 --> 00:38:40,851
I'm moving in with you, that's why.
647
00:38:40,923 --> 00:38:43,983
- But you have a nice apartment.
- I have a tiny apartment.
648
00:38:44,060 --> 00:38:47,086
- I know it's small.
- And it's got bad plumbing and bugs.
649
00:38:47,163 --> 00:38:52,066
Granted, it has bad plumbing and bugs.
Y ou say that like it's a negative.
650
00:38:52,134 --> 00:38:54,329
Bugs are...
651
00:38:54,403 --> 00:38:58,271
- entomology is a rapidly growing field.
- Y ou don't want me to live with you.
652
00:38:58,340 --> 00:39:02,299
- I don't? Whose idea was it?
- Mine.
653
00:39:02,378 --> 00:39:04,710
It was yours, actually.
654
00:39:04,780 --> 00:39:07,112
But I approved it immediately.
655
00:39:07,183 --> 00:39:09,117
Y ou think I talked you
into something.
656
00:39:09,185 --> 00:39:13,747
No. We live together,
we sleep together, we eat together.
657
00:39:13,823 --> 00:39:16,121
Jesus, you don't want it to be
like we're married, do you?
658
00:39:16,192 --> 00:39:20,151
- How is it any different?
- Because you keep your own apartment.
659
00:39:20,229 --> 00:39:22,754
It's there. We don't have to go to it,
deal with it...
660
00:39:22,832 --> 00:39:27,929
but it's like a free-floating life raft
that we know that we're not married.
661
00:39:28,003 --> 00:39:30,494
That little apartment
is $400 a month, Alvy.
662
00:39:30,573 --> 00:39:33,701
- That place is $400 a month?
- Y es, it is.
663
00:39:33,776 --> 00:39:36,870
It's got bad plumbing and bugs.
Jesus.
664
00:39:36,946 --> 00:39:40,939
My accountant will write it off
as a tax deduction. I'll pay for it.
665
00:39:41,016 --> 00:39:43,644
Y ou don't think I'm smart enough
to be serious about.
666
00:39:43,719 --> 00:39:45,380
Don't be ridiculous.
667
00:39:45,454 --> 00:39:49,720
Then why are you always pushing me
to take college courses like I was dumb?
668
00:39:49,792 --> 00:39:51,953
Adult education is a wonderful thing!
669
00:39:52,027 --> 00:39:55,292
Y ou meet a lot of interesting
professors. It's stimulating.
670
00:40:07,910 --> 00:40:12,210
Does this sound like a good course:
"Modern American poetry"?
671
00:40:13,282 --> 00:40:15,250
Or, let's see...
672
00:40:15,317 --> 00:40:19,413
maybe I should take
"Introduction to the novel. "
673
00:40:19,488 --> 00:40:22,116
Just don't take any course
where they make you read Beowulf.
674
00:40:22,191 --> 00:40:24,250
What?
675
00:40:24,326 --> 00:40:28,729
What do you think? Should we go
to that party in south hampton?
676
00:40:28,798 --> 00:40:32,256
No, don't be silly.
What do we need other people for?
677
00:40:32,334 --> 00:40:37,203
We should just turn out the lights
and play hide the "salam" or something.
678
00:40:37,273 --> 00:40:40,242
Well, I'm going to get a cigarette,
okay?
679
00:40:40,309 --> 00:40:45,542
Grass, right? The illusion that it makes
a white woman more like Billie holiday.
680
00:40:45,614 --> 00:40:48,777
- Have you ever made love high?
- Me? No.
681
00:40:48,851 --> 00:40:52,514
If I have grass or alcohol,
I get unbearably wonderful.
682
00:40:52,588 --> 00:40:55,580
I get too wonderful for words.
683
00:40:55,658 --> 00:40:59,594
I don't know why you have to get high
every time we make love.
684
00:40:59,662 --> 00:41:01,527
It relaxes me.
685
00:41:01,597 --> 00:41:04,157
Y ou have to be artificially relaxed
before we can go to bed?
686
00:41:04,233 --> 00:41:06,394
What's the difference, anyway?
687
00:41:06,468 --> 00:41:09,096
I'll give you a shot of sodium
pentothal. Y ou can sleep through it.
688
00:41:09,171 --> 00:41:12,538
Look who's talking! Y ou've been seeing
a psychiatrist for 15 years.
689
00:41:12,608 --> 00:41:16,169
Y ou should smoke some of this.
Y ou'd be off the couch in no time.
690
00:41:16,245 --> 00:41:18,475
- Come on, you don't need that.
- What are you doing?
691
00:41:18,547 --> 00:41:22,244
- No, Alvy, please?
- Y ou can live without it once.
692
00:41:24,220 --> 00:41:26,313
Wait, I got a great idea.
693
00:41:27,590 --> 00:41:32,254
Hang in there for a second.
I got a little erotic artifact...
694
00:41:32,328 --> 00:41:36,424
that I brought up from the city,
which I think is going to be perfect.
695
00:41:36,498 --> 00:41:40,332
There. Create a little
old new Orleans essence.
696
00:41:40,402 --> 00:41:43,599
Now we can go about our business...
697
00:41:43,672 --> 00:41:46,573
and even develop photographs
if we want to.
698
00:41:53,749 --> 00:41:56,513
- Is something wrong?
- No, why?
699
00:41:56,585 --> 00:41:59,520
I don't know.
It's like you're removed.
700
00:41:59,588 --> 00:42:01,556
No, I'm fine.
701
00:42:01,624 --> 00:42:03,615
Really?
702
00:42:03,692 --> 00:42:06,320
I don't know.
Y ou seem sort of distant.
703
00:42:06,395 --> 00:42:08,454
Let's just do it, all right?
704
00:42:08,530 --> 00:42:11,988
Was it my imagination or are you
just going through the motions?
705
00:42:12,101 --> 00:42:14,365
Alvy, do you remember
where I put my drawing pad?
706
00:42:14,470 --> 00:42:17,405
Because while you two are doing that,
I'm going to do some drawing.
707
00:42:17,473 --> 00:42:19,737
That's what I call removed!
708
00:42:19,808 --> 00:42:22,800
Y ou have my body.
709
00:42:22,878 --> 00:42:25,176
But I want the whole thing!
710
00:42:25,247 --> 00:42:27,181
I need grass.
711
00:42:27,249 --> 00:42:30,184
It ruins it for me if you have grass.
712
00:42:30,252 --> 00:42:33,585
I'm like a comedian, so if I get a laugh
from a person who's high...
713
00:42:33,656 --> 00:42:36,489
it doesn't count,
'cause they're always laughing.
714
00:42:36,558 --> 00:42:38,492
Were you always funny?
715
00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:41,222
Is this an interview?
We're supposed to be making love.
716
00:42:41,397 --> 00:42:44,662
This guy is naturally funny.
I think he can write for you.
717
00:42:44,733 --> 00:42:47,600
Y eah, yeah. Hey, kid,
he tells me you're really good.
718
00:42:47,670 --> 00:42:50,070
Let me explain how I work.
Y ou can tell off the bat...
719
00:42:50,139 --> 00:42:53,040
that I don't look like a funny guy
like some of the guys.
720
00:42:53,108 --> 00:42:55,474
Y ou know they're going to tell you their
stories, you're going to fall down.
721
00:42:55,544 --> 00:42:58,308
But I gotta be really talented.
Material's got to be sensational for me.
722
00:42:58,380 --> 00:43:02,316
I work... I'm kind of classy.
Know what I mean?
723
00:43:02,384 --> 00:43:04,716
Let me explain.
I'll open with an opening song.
724
00:43:04,787 --> 00:43:06,778
The music will start.
725
00:43:06,855 --> 00:43:09,653
I walk out.
Place looks wonderful from here
726
00:43:09,725 --> 00:43:12,455
y ou folks look wonderful from here
727
00:43:12,528 --> 00:43:15,122
And seeing you there
With a smile on your face
728
00:43:15,197 --> 00:43:17,563
Makes me shout
This must be the place
729
00:43:17,633 --> 00:43:20,727
I stop, and then I open with some jokes.
That's where I need you.
730
00:43:20,803 --> 00:43:24,534
I'll say, "I just got back from Canada.
They speak a lot of French.
731
00:43:24,606 --> 00:43:28,599
The only word to know is 'john dark. ' It
means the light's out in the bathroom.
732
00:43:28,677 --> 00:43:33,046
- I met a big lumberjack. "
- Jesus, this guy's pathetic.
733
00:43:33,115 --> 00:43:36,778
Look at him mincing around.
Boy, thinks he's real cute.
734
00:43:36,852 --> 00:43:39,150
Y ou want to throw up.
735
00:43:39,221 --> 00:43:42,213
If only I had the nerve
to do my own jokes.
736
00:43:43,959 --> 00:43:47,224
I don't know how much longer I can keep
this smile froZen on my face.
737
00:43:47,296 --> 00:43:49,264
I'm in the wrong business.
I know it.
738
00:43:49,331 --> 00:43:53,233
"But, cherie...
739
00:43:53,302 --> 00:43:55,964
what will I do with this, eh?"
740
00:43:56,038 --> 00:44:00,031
He says, "Oh, Marie,
sometime you make me so mad!"
741
00:44:00,109 --> 00:44:02,134
They scream at that.
Write me something like that, will you?
742
00:44:02,211 --> 00:44:04,904
Kind of a French number.
Can you do it?
743
00:44:11,144 --> 00:44:13,237
Where am I?
I have to reorient myself.
744
00:44:13,313 --> 00:44:15,304
This is the University
of Wisconsin, right?
745
00:44:15,381 --> 00:44:20,045
Because I'm always tense
when I'm playing a college.
746
00:44:20,120 --> 00:44:22,520
I have a bad history with colleges.
I went to new y ork University.
747
00:44:22,622 --> 00:44:26,581
And I was thrown out of nyU
my freshman year...
748
00:44:26,659 --> 00:44:29,958
for cheating on my metaphysics final.
749
00:44:30,029 --> 00:44:34,363
I looked within the soul
of the boy sitting next to me.
750
00:44:34,434 --> 00:44:38,632
My mother, an emotionally high-strung
woman, locked herself in the bathroom...
751
00:44:38,705 --> 00:44:41,799
and took an overdose
of mah-jongg tiles.
752
00:44:45,011 --> 00:44:48,879
I was depressed at that time.
I was in analysis.
753
00:44:48,948 --> 00:44:52,748
I was suicidal, as a matter of fact,
and would have killed myself...
754
00:44:52,819 --> 00:44:55,481
but I was in analysis
with a strict Freudian.
755
00:44:55,555 --> 00:44:59,218
And if you kill yourself, they make you
pay for the sessions you miss.
756
00:45:03,062 --> 00:45:07,158
Alvy, you were just great.
I'm not kidding.
757
00:45:07,233 --> 00:45:10,031
College audiences are wonderful.
758
00:45:10,103 --> 00:45:13,231
Y ou know what? I think I'm starting
to get more of the references, too.
759
00:45:13,306 --> 00:45:17,436
Are you? The 12:00 show
is completely different than the 9:00.
760
00:45:17,510 --> 00:45:21,776
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. It'll
be nice. Y ou'll meet Mother and Father.
761
00:45:21,848 --> 00:45:23,975
They'll hate me immediately.
762
00:45:25,084 --> 00:45:28,520
No, I don't think they're going
to hate you at all. Contrary.
763
00:45:28,588 --> 00:45:33,048
It's easter. We'll sit down and eat.
I think they'll really like you.
764
00:45:42,235 --> 00:45:43,964
It's a nice ham this year, Mom.
765
00:45:46,206 --> 00:45:49,198
Grammy always does such a good job.
766
00:45:49,275 --> 00:45:51,072
Great sauce.
767
00:45:51,144 --> 00:45:53,612
It is.
It's dynamite ham.
768
00:45:59,185 --> 00:46:02,086
We went to the swap meet.
769
00:46:02,155 --> 00:46:05,249
Annie, Gram and I.
Got some nice picture frames.
770
00:46:05,325 --> 00:46:08,817
We really had a good time.
771
00:46:08,895 --> 00:46:13,264
Ann tells us you've been seeing
a psychiatrist for 15 years.
772
00:46:14,434 --> 00:46:16,425
Y es. I'm making excellent progress.
773
00:46:16,502 --> 00:46:19,801
Soon, when I lie down on his couch,
I won't have to wear the lobster bib.
774
00:46:22,075 --> 00:46:25,738
- Duane and I went to the boat basin.
- We caulked hulls all day.
775
00:46:25,812 --> 00:46:28,804
And Randolph hunt was drunk as usual.
776
00:46:28,881 --> 00:46:33,409
That Randolph hunt!
Y ou remember Randy hunt, Annie.
777
00:46:33,486 --> 00:46:36,250
- He was in the choir with you.
- Oh, yes.
778
00:46:36,322 --> 00:46:38,847
I can't believe this family.
779
00:46:38,925 --> 00:46:41,792
Annie's mother is really beautiful.
780
00:46:41,861 --> 00:46:45,558
And they're talking swap meets
and boat basins.
781
00:46:45,632 --> 00:46:50,399
The old lady at the end of the table
is a classic jew-hater.
782
00:46:50,470 --> 00:46:55,100
They really look American, healthy,
like they never get sick or anything.
783
00:46:55,174 --> 00:46:58,371
Nothing like my family.
The two are like oil and water.
784
00:46:58,745 --> 00:47:01,646
Ah, let him drop dead.
Who needs his business?
785
00:47:01,714 --> 00:47:07,346
- His wife has diabetes.
- Diabetes? Is that an excuse?
786
00:47:07,420 --> 00:47:11,823
The man is 50 years old
and doesn't have a substantial job.
787
00:47:11,891 --> 00:47:13,620
Is that a reason to steal
from your partner?
788
00:47:13,693 --> 00:47:16,161
Y ou don't know what
you're talking about.
789
00:47:16,229 --> 00:47:17,890
Defend him!
790
00:47:17,964 --> 00:47:20,626
Pass the brisket.
791
00:47:20,700 --> 00:47:23,260
Mo MoskowitZ.
He had a coronary.
792
00:47:23,336 --> 00:47:25,270
Y ou don't say!
793
00:47:26,272 --> 00:47:28,502
How do you plan to spend the holidays,
Mrs. Singer?
794
00:47:28,574 --> 00:47:30,633
- We fast.
- Fast?
795
00:47:30,710 --> 00:47:33,975
No food.
Y ou know, to atone for our sins.
796
00:47:34,047 --> 00:47:36,140
What sins?
I don't understand.
797
00:47:36,215 --> 00:47:38,080
Neither do we.
798
00:47:40,153 --> 00:47:42,917
Hi, duane. How's it going?
799
00:47:42,989 --> 00:47:47,016
- This is my room.
- Oh, yeah? It's terrific.
800
00:47:47,093 --> 00:47:49,084
Can I confess something?
801
00:47:54,567 --> 00:47:57,832
I tell you this, because, as an artist,
I think you'll understand.
802
00:48:00,807 --> 00:48:03,799
Sometimes when I'm driving...
803
00:48:03,876 --> 00:48:05,844
on the road at night...
804
00:48:05,912 --> 00:48:09,370
I see two headlights
coming toward me, fast.
805
00:48:09,449 --> 00:48:11,849
I have this impulse
to turn the wheel quickly...
806
00:48:11,918 --> 00:48:14,182
head-on into the oncoming car.
807
00:48:15,321 --> 00:48:17,516
I can anticipate the explosion.
808
00:48:17,590 --> 00:48:21,754
The sound of shattering glass.
809
00:48:21,828 --> 00:48:26,231
The flames rising out
of the flowing gasoline.
810
00:48:28,935 --> 00:48:30,368
Right.
811
00:48:31,738 --> 00:48:37,472
I have to go now, duane, because
I'm due back on the planet earth.
812
00:48:37,543 --> 00:48:39,477
Don't let it be so long now.
813
00:48:39,545 --> 00:48:43,174
- Look up Uncle Billy, promise.
- He is adorable.
814
00:48:43,249 --> 00:48:45,717
- Y ou'll take them to the airport now?
- No. Duane can.
815
00:48:45,785 --> 00:48:48,549
- I haven't finished my drink.
- Y es, duane is. I'll be right...
816
00:49:08,741 --> 00:49:10,538
y ou followed me.
I can't believe it!
817
00:49:10,610 --> 00:49:12,578
- I didn't follow you.
- Y ou followed me!
818
00:49:12,645 --> 00:49:16,172
Because I was walking a block behind
staring at you? That's not following.
819
00:49:16,249 --> 00:49:19,912
- What's your definition of "following"?
- Following is different. I was spying.
820
00:49:19,986 --> 00:49:21,476
Do you realiZe
how paranoid you are?
821
00:49:21,554 --> 00:49:24,614
Paranoid? I'm looking at you, and you've
got your arms around another guy.
822
00:49:24,690 --> 00:49:26,681
That is the worst kind of paranoid!
823
00:49:26,759 --> 00:49:30,126
I didn't start out spying. I thought I'd
surprise you, pick you up after school.
824
00:49:30,196 --> 00:49:34,064
Y ou wanted to keep the relationship
flexible, remember? It's your phrase.
825
00:49:34,133 --> 00:49:36,192
Y ou're having an affair
with your college professor!
826
00:49:36,269 --> 00:49:40,933
That jerk that teaches that crap course,
"Contemporary Crisis in Western Man. "
827
00:49:41,007 --> 00:49:43,771
"Existential Motifs in Russian
Literature. " y ou're really close.
828
00:49:43,843 --> 00:49:46,107
What's the difference?
It's all mental masturbation.
829
00:49:46,179 --> 00:49:48,807
Now we're getting to a subject
you know something about.
830
00:49:48,881 --> 00:49:51,850
Don't knock masturbation.
It's sex with someone I love.
831
00:49:51,918 --> 00:49:56,651
We're not having an affair. He's
married. He happens to think I'm neat.
832
00:49:56,722 --> 00:49:59,816
Are you 12 years old? That's one
of your Chippewa Falls expressions.
833
00:49:59,892 --> 00:50:01,655
Who cares?
834
00:50:01,727 --> 00:50:05,390
Next he'll find you're keen and peachy.
Then he'll have his hand on your ass.
835
00:50:05,465 --> 00:50:08,491
Y ou've had hostility towards david
ever since I mentioned him.
836
00:50:08,568 --> 00:50:10,729
- Y ou call your teacher david?
- It's his name.
837
00:50:10,803 --> 00:50:14,398
It's a Biblical name, right?
Does he call you Bathsheba?
838
00:50:14,474 --> 00:50:18,638
Alvy, you're the one who never wanted
to make a real commitment.
839
00:50:18,711 --> 00:50:21,771
Y ou don't think I'm smart enough.
We had that argument last month...
840
00:50:21,848 --> 00:50:24,578
or don't you remember that day?
841
00:50:26,052 --> 00:50:28,782
- I'm home!
- How'd it go?
842
00:50:28,855 --> 00:50:31,824
It was really weird,
but she's a very nice woman.
843
00:50:31,891 --> 00:50:35,554
I didn't have to lie on the couch.
She had me sitting up.
844
00:50:35,628 --> 00:50:39,530
I told her about the family
and my feelings towards men...
845
00:50:39,599 --> 00:50:41,760
and my relationship with my brother.
846
00:50:41,834 --> 00:50:44,564
Then she mentioned penis envy.
Do you know about that?
847
00:50:44,637 --> 00:50:48,937
I'm one of the few males
who suffers from that. Go on.
848
00:50:49,008 --> 00:50:53,536
She said I was guilty about my impulses
towards marriage and children.
849
00:50:53,613 --> 00:50:58,209
Then, I remembered, when I was a kid, I
accidentally saw my parents making love.
850
00:50:58,284 --> 00:51:00,809
All this happened the first hour?
That's amaZing.
851
00:51:00,887 --> 00:51:04,516
I've been going for 15 years.
I don't have nothing like that.
852
00:51:04,590 --> 00:51:06,854
I told her my dream,
and then I cried.
853
00:51:06,926 --> 00:51:10,453
Y ou cried. I've never once cried.
That's fantastic to me.
854
00:51:10,530 --> 00:51:12,691
I whine.
I sit and I whine.
855
00:51:12,765 --> 00:51:16,633
In my dream, Frank sinatra is holding
this pillow across my face...
856
00:51:16,702 --> 00:51:18,636
and I can't breathe.
857
00:51:18,704 --> 00:51:20,934
He's strangling me.
858
00:51:21,007 --> 00:51:23,908
Sure, because he's a singer,
and you're a singer. It's perfect.
859
00:51:23,976 --> 00:51:26,945
Y ou're trying to suffocate yourself.
It makes perfect sense.
860
00:51:27,013 --> 00:51:29,345
That's a perfect analytic insight.
861
00:51:29,415 --> 00:51:33,010
She said your name was Alvy singer.
862
00:51:33,085 --> 00:51:35,076
- What do you mean, me?
- Y eah, you.
863
00:51:35,154 --> 00:51:38,351
Because in the dream,
I break sinatra's glasses.
864
00:51:38,424 --> 00:51:43,123
Y ou never said sinatra had glasses.
Are you saying I'm suffocating you?
865
00:51:43,195 --> 00:51:46,494
God, I did this really terrible thing
to him...
866
00:51:46,566 --> 00:51:51,196
because then when he sang,
it was in this real high-pitch voice.
867
00:51:51,270 --> 00:51:54,967
- What'd the doctor say?
- I should come five times a week.
868
00:51:55,041 --> 00:52:00,343
I don't think I mind analysis at all.
The question is, will it change my wife?
869
00:52:00,413 --> 00:52:03,075
- Will it change your wife?
- Will it change my life?
870
00:52:03,149 --> 00:52:06,641
- But you said "wife. "
- No, I said "life. "
871
00:52:06,686 --> 00:52:08,711
- No, you said "wife. "
- "Life!" I said "life. "
872
00:52:08,788 --> 00:52:12,554
She said "wife. " y ou heard that,
because you were there. I'm not craZy.
873
00:52:12,625 --> 00:52:16,527
Then I told her I didn't think
you'd ever take me seriously...
874
00:52:16,596 --> 00:52:19,030
because you don't think
I'm smart enough.
875
00:52:19,098 --> 00:52:23,262
Why do you bring that up? Because I
encourage you to take adult education?
876
00:52:23,336 --> 00:52:26,931
It's a wonderful thing. Y ou meet
wonderful, interesting professors.
877
00:52:27,073 --> 00:52:31,009
Adult education is junk. The professors
are phony. How can you do it?
878
00:52:31,077 --> 00:52:33,944
I don't care what you say about david.
He's a fine teacher.
879
00:52:34,013 --> 00:52:38,780
And why are you following me around?
We should call this relationship quits.
880
00:52:38,851 --> 00:52:41,945
That's fine. That's great.
I don't know what I did wrong.
881
00:52:42,021 --> 00:52:45,855
Somewhere she cooled off to me.
Is it something that I did?
882
00:52:45,925 --> 00:52:49,383
It's never something you do.
That's how people are. Love fades.
883
00:52:49,462 --> 00:52:52,431
Love fades.
God, that's a depressing thought.
884
00:52:52,498 --> 00:52:54,762
I have to ask you a question.
Don't go any further.
885
00:52:54,834 --> 00:52:58,326
With your wife, in bed, does she need
some kind of artificial stimulation...
886
00:52:58,404 --> 00:53:00,565
like marijuana?
887
00:53:00,640 --> 00:53:03,268
We use a large vibrating egg.
888
00:53:03,342 --> 00:53:05,207
A large vibrating egg.
889
00:53:05,277 --> 00:53:09,304
I ask a psychopath,
I get that kind of answer. Jesus!
890
00:53:09,382 --> 00:53:12,408
Y ou look like a very happy couple.
891
00:53:12,485 --> 00:53:14,715
- Are you?
- Y eah.
892
00:53:14,787 --> 00:53:17,255
How do you account for it?
893
00:53:17,323 --> 00:53:21,259
I'm very shallow and empty,
and I have no ideas...
894
00:53:21,327 --> 00:53:23,557
and nothing interesting to say.
895
00:53:23,629 --> 00:53:26,928
- I'm exactly the same way.
- I see.
896
00:53:26,999 --> 00:53:29,991
That's interesting. So you've
managed to work out something?
897
00:53:30,069 --> 00:53:31,502
Right.
898
00:53:31,570 --> 00:53:34,368
Thanks for talking to me.
899
00:53:34,440 --> 00:53:38,399
Even as a kid, I went for the wrong
women. I think that's my problem.
900
00:53:38,477 --> 00:53:40,638
When my mother took me
to see snow White...
901
00:53:40,713 --> 00:53:45,173
everyone fell in love with snow White,
and I fell for the wicked queen.
902
00:53:45,317 --> 00:53:48,582
- We never have any fun anymore.
- How can you say that?
903
00:53:48,654 --> 00:53:51,179
Why not? Y ou're always
leaning on me to improve myself.
904
00:53:51,257 --> 00:53:53,623
Y ou're upset. Y ou must be
getting your period.
905
00:53:53,693 --> 00:53:58,392
I don't get a period. I'm a cartoon
character. Can't I be upset sometimes?
906
00:53:58,464 --> 00:54:02,366
Max, forget about Annie.
I know lots of women you can date.
907
00:54:02,435 --> 00:54:04,460
I don't want to go out
with other women.
908
00:54:04,904 --> 00:54:07,566
Max, I've got a girl for you. Y ou are going
to love her. She's a reporter for Rolling stone.
909
00:54:10,142 --> 00:54:12,133
There are more people here
to see the Maharishi...
910
00:54:12,211 --> 00:54:14,873
than there were
to see the dylan concert.
911
00:54:14,947 --> 00:54:18,144
I covered the dylan concert,
which gave me chills.
912
00:54:18,217 --> 00:54:23,587
Especially when he sang,
"she takes just like a woman...
913
00:54:23,656 --> 00:54:26,557
and she makes love
just like a woman.
914
00:54:26,625 --> 00:54:28,593
Y es, she does.
915
00:54:28,661 --> 00:54:31,960
And she aches just like a woman...
916
00:54:32,031 --> 00:54:35,330
but she breaks
just like a little girl. "
917
00:54:35,401 --> 00:54:38,370
Up to that, the most
charismatic event I covered...
918
00:54:38,437 --> 00:54:41,065
was Mick's birthday when the stones
played Madison square Garden.
919
00:54:41,140 --> 00:54:42,767
That's just great.
920
00:54:42,842 --> 00:54:45,003
Y ou catch dylan?
921
00:54:45,077 --> 00:54:48,376
No, I couldn't make it.
My raccoon had hepatitis.
922
00:54:48,447 --> 00:54:50,381
Y ou have a raccoon?
923
00:54:50,449 --> 00:54:51,882
A few.
924
00:54:51,951 --> 00:54:54,852
The only word for this
is "transplendent. "
925
00:54:54,920 --> 00:54:58,686
- It's transplendent.
- I can think of another word.
926
00:54:58,758 --> 00:55:01,386
He's God.
I mean, this man is God.
927
00:55:01,460 --> 00:55:04,190
He's got millions of followers,
who would crawl across the world...
928
00:55:04,263 --> 00:55:06,231
just to touch
the hem of his garment.
929
00:55:06,298 --> 00:55:08,232
It must be a tremendous hem.
930
00:55:08,300 --> 00:55:11,167
- I'm a Rosicrucian myself.
- Are you?
931
00:55:11,237 --> 00:55:15,435
I can't get with any religion that
advertises in popular Mechanics. Look.
932
00:55:15,508 --> 00:55:17,806
There's God coming out
of the men's room.
933
00:55:17,877 --> 00:55:20,607
It's unbelievably transplendent!
934
00:55:20,679 --> 00:55:23,910
I was at the stones' concert
when they killed that guy. Remember?
935
00:55:23,983 --> 00:55:27,043
Were you?
I was at an Alice Cooper thing...
936
00:55:27,119 --> 00:55:30,350
where six people were rushed
to the hospital with bad vibes.
937
00:55:31,390 --> 00:55:33,824
I hope you don't mind
that I took so long to finish.
938
00:55:33,893 --> 00:55:36,987
Me? No. Don't be silly.
939
00:55:38,664 --> 00:55:42,600
I'm starting to get some feeling
back in my jaw now.
940
00:55:43,736 --> 00:55:47,172
Sex with you is really
a kafkaesque experience.
941
00:55:48,641 --> 00:55:50,336
Thank you.
942
00:55:50,409 --> 00:55:52,877
I mean that as a compliment.
943
00:55:52,945 --> 00:55:57,348
I think there's too much burden
placed on the orgasm...
944
00:55:57,416 --> 00:56:00,715
to make up for empty areas
in life.
945
00:56:02,521 --> 00:56:04,489
Who said that?
946
00:56:07,226 --> 00:56:10,059
I don't know. I think
it may have been Leopold and Loeb.
947
00:56:15,101 --> 00:56:16,534
Hello.
948
00:56:21,607 --> 00:56:24,838
No. What's the matter?
949
00:56:26,445 --> 00:56:29,107
Y ou sound terrible.
950
00:56:29,181 --> 00:56:31,547
No, what... sure, I...
951
00:56:31,617 --> 00:56:33,847
What kind of emergency?
952
00:56:33,919 --> 00:56:37,719
No, stay there.
I'll come over right now.
953
00:56:37,790 --> 00:56:40,088
Just stay there.
I'll come right over.
954
00:56:40,226 --> 00:56:42,626
It's me. Open up.
Are you okay?
955
00:56:42,695 --> 00:56:45,289
What's the matter?
Are you all right?
956
00:56:45,364 --> 00:56:47,730
There's a spider in the bathroom.
957
00:56:47,800 --> 00:56:51,531
- What?
- There's a big spider in the bathroom.
958
00:56:53,239 --> 00:56:57,198
Y ou got me here at 3:00 a. m.
'Cause a spider's in the bathroom?
959
00:56:57,276 --> 00:57:01,736
Y ou know how I am about insects. I can't
sleep with that thing crawling around.
960
00:57:01,814 --> 00:57:04,305
Kill it!
What's wrong with you?
961
00:57:04,383 --> 00:57:07,443
Don't you have Raid in the house?
962
00:57:07,520 --> 00:57:12,389
I told you a thousand times
to keep a lot of insect spray.
963
00:57:12,458 --> 00:57:14,824
- Y ou never know who will crawl over.
- I know.
964
00:57:14,894 --> 00:57:17,021
And a first aid kit
and fire extinguisher.
965
00:57:17,096 --> 00:57:19,564
Give me a magaZine,
'cause I'm a little tired.
966
00:57:19,632 --> 00:57:22,863
Y ou make fun of me,
but I'm prepared for anything.
967
00:57:22,935 --> 00:57:25,665
An emergency, a tidal wave,
an earthquake.
968
00:57:26,505 --> 00:57:29,997
What is this?
Did you go to a rock concert?
969
00:57:30,075 --> 00:57:31,508
Y eah.
970
00:57:31,577 --> 00:57:35,240
Really?
How'd you like it?
971
00:57:35,314 --> 00:57:39,512
Was it heavy? Did it achieve
total "heavyosity"?
972
00:57:39,585 --> 00:57:41,985
It was just great!
973
00:57:42,054 --> 00:57:45,421
I've got an idea. Call the guy
who took you to the rock concert...
974
00:57:45,491 --> 00:57:47,925
and he can come and kill the spider.
975
00:57:47,993 --> 00:57:50,621
I called you.
Y ou want to help me or not?
976
00:57:50,696 --> 00:57:54,462
Since when do you read the national
Review? What are you turning into?
977
00:57:54,533 --> 00:57:57,696
I like to get all points of view.
978
00:57:57,770 --> 00:58:00,534
Wonderful. Get William F. Buckley
to kill the spider.
979
00:58:00,606 --> 00:58:03,632
Y ou're a little hostile,
you know that?
980
00:58:03,709 --> 00:58:06,644
Not only that,
you look thin and tired.
981
00:58:06,712 --> 00:58:10,011
It's 3:00 in the morning.
Y ou got me out of bed.
982
00:58:10,082 --> 00:58:13,176
I ran over. I couldn't get a taxi.
Y ou said it was an emergency.
983
00:58:13,252 --> 00:58:15,311
I ran up the stairs.
984
00:58:15,387 --> 00:58:18,720
I was more attractive
when the evening began.
985
00:58:18,791 --> 00:58:21,760
Are you going with
a right-wing rock-and-roll star?
986
00:58:21,827 --> 00:58:24,660
Would you like
a glass of chocolate milk?
987
00:58:24,730 --> 00:58:29,497
- What am I, your son? I came over for...
- I've got the good chocolate.
988
00:58:29,568 --> 00:58:32,503
- Where's the spider?
- It's in the bathroom.
989
00:58:32,571 --> 00:58:36,564
Don't squish it. After it's dead,
flush it down the toilet, okay?
990
00:58:36,642 --> 00:58:40,078
I've been killing spiders
since I was 30. Okay?
991
00:58:44,617 --> 00:58:48,314
It's a very big spider.
A lot of trouble. There's two of 'em.
992
00:58:48,387 --> 00:58:50,821
I didn't think it was that big,
but it's a major spider.
993
00:58:50,889 --> 00:58:55,588
- Y ou got a broom or snow shovel?
- I left it at your house. I'm sorry.
994
00:58:55,661 --> 00:58:57,595
What are you doing?
995
00:58:57,663 --> 00:59:00,257
There's a spider in your bathroom
the siZe of a Buick.
996
00:59:07,940 --> 00:59:12,206
- Y ou got black soap?
- It's for my complexion.
997
00:59:12,278 --> 00:59:15,406
Are you joining a minstrel show?
998
00:59:23,088 --> 00:59:24,521
Don't worry.
999
00:59:33,699 --> 00:59:36,497
I did it. I killed them both.
What's the matter?
1000
00:59:36,568 --> 00:59:41,062
What are you sad about? Did you want me
to capture and rehabilitate 'em?
1001
00:59:41,140 --> 00:59:44,268
- Don't go, please.
- What do you mean?
1002
00:59:44,343 --> 00:59:47,676
What's the matter?
Are you expecting termites?
1003
00:59:47,746 --> 00:59:50,010
What's the matter?
1004
00:59:50,082 --> 00:59:52,778
I don't know. I miss you.
1005
00:59:52,851 --> 00:59:55,649
Jesus! Really?
1006
01:00:02,561 --> 01:00:04,791
- Alvy?
- What?
1007
01:00:06,398 --> 01:00:10,459
Was there somebody in your room
when I called you?
1008
01:00:10,536 --> 01:00:14,165
- What do you mean?
- I mean, I thought I heard a voice.
1009
01:00:14,239 --> 01:00:18,266
I had the radio on.
I'm sorry, it was the television.
1010
01:00:24,216 --> 01:00:29,017
Let's never break up again.
I don't want to be apart.
1011
01:00:29,088 --> 01:00:33,752
I think we're both much too mature
for something like that.
1012
01:00:33,826 --> 01:00:36,659
Living together hasn't been so bad,
has it?
1013
01:00:36,729 --> 01:00:39,926
For me it's been terrific.
Y ou know?
1014
01:00:39,998 --> 01:00:42,558
Better than either of my marriages.
1015
01:00:42,634 --> 01:00:47,003
There's something different about you.
I don't know what, but it's great.
1016
01:00:47,072 --> 01:00:52,704
I think, if you let me,
I could help you have more fun.
1017
01:00:52,778 --> 01:00:55,872
I know it's hard. Y eah.
1018
01:00:55,948 --> 01:00:59,611
What if we go away this weekend?
1019
01:00:59,685 --> 01:01:03,246
Why don't we get Rob, and the three
of us would drive into Brooklyn?
1020
01:01:03,322 --> 01:01:05,984
We could show you the old neighborhood.
That'd be fun for you.
1021
01:01:06,058 --> 01:01:08,151
Y eah, I'd love it.
1022
01:01:09,128 --> 01:01:11,392
God, it's a great day!
1023
01:01:11,463 --> 01:01:15,229
Watch the road!
Y ou'll total the car!
1024
01:01:15,300 --> 01:01:17,427
I've never been to Brooklyn.
1025
01:01:17,503 --> 01:01:20,097
- I can't wait to see the neighborhood.
- The neighborhood will be great.
1026
01:01:20,172 --> 01:01:23,403
- We could show her the schoolyard.
- I was a great athlete. Tell her.
1027
01:01:23,475 --> 01:01:26,137
I was all-schoolyard.
1028
01:01:26,211 --> 01:01:29,374
They threw him a football once.
He tried to dribble it.
1029
01:01:29,448 --> 01:01:31,040
I used to lose
my glasses a lot.
1030
01:01:31,116 --> 01:01:34,779
Look! That's my old house.
That's where I used to live.
1031
01:01:34,853 --> 01:01:36,286
Holy cow!
1032
01:01:37,456 --> 01:01:40,584
Y ou're lucky. Where I used to live
is now a pornographic equipment store.
1033
01:01:40,659 --> 01:01:42,889
I had some very
good memories there.
1034
01:01:42,961 --> 01:01:46,055
What good memories, your mother
and father fighting all the time?
1035
01:01:46,131 --> 01:01:48,691
And over the most ridiculous things.
1036
01:01:48,834 --> 01:01:51,359
- Y ou fired the cleaning woman?
- She was stealing!
1037
01:01:51,437 --> 01:01:53,962
But she's colored.
The colored have enough trouble!
1038
01:01:54,039 --> 01:01:56,564
- She was going through my purse.
- They're persecuted enough.
1039
01:01:56,642 --> 01:02:00,635
- Who's persecuting? She stole!
- So? We can afford it.
1040
01:02:00,712 --> 01:02:04,045
How can we afford it, on your pay?
What if she steals more?
1041
01:02:04,116 --> 01:02:07,210
She's a colored woman from harlem.
She has no money.
1042
01:02:07,286 --> 01:02:11,222
She has a right to steal from us.
Who can she steal from if not from us?
1043
01:02:11,290 --> 01:02:13,918
- Y ou're both craZy.
- They can't hear you.
1044
01:02:13,992 --> 01:02:16,688
Leo, I married a fool!
1045
01:02:16,762 --> 01:02:18,593
What's that?
1046
01:02:18,664 --> 01:02:24,102
That's the welcome home party, 1945,
for my cousin herbie.
1047
01:02:26,839 --> 01:02:30,275
Look. That over there
is joey nichols.
1048
01:02:30,342 --> 01:02:33,004
He was my father's friend. He was
always bothering me when I was a kid.
1049
01:02:33,078 --> 01:02:36,013
Joey nichols.
See? Nickels.
1050
01:02:36,081 --> 01:02:39,380
See? Nickels.
Y ou see? Nickels.
1051
01:02:39,451 --> 01:02:44,514
Y ou can always remember my name.
Just think of joey Five-Cents.
1052
01:02:44,590 --> 01:02:48,549
That's me.
Joey Five-Cents.
1053
01:02:48,627 --> 01:02:50,219
What an asshole.
1054
01:02:50,295 --> 01:02:53,628
The one who killed me the most
was my mother's sister, Tessie.
1055
01:02:53,699 --> 01:02:56,361
I was always the sister
with good common sense...
1056
01:02:56,435 --> 01:02:59,097
but Tessie was always the one
with personality.
1057
01:02:59,171 --> 01:03:02,163
When she was younger,
they all wanted to marry Tessie.
1058
01:03:02,241 --> 01:03:05,039
Do you believe Tessie
had the personality?
1059
01:03:05,110 --> 01:03:08,978
- She's the life of the ghetto no doubt.
- She was once a great beauty.
1060
01:03:09,047 --> 01:03:11,948
Tessie, they say you were the sister
with personality.
1061
01:03:12,017 --> 01:03:14,611
I was a great beauty!
1062
01:03:14,686 --> 01:03:18,713
- How did this personality come about?
- I was very charming.
1063
01:03:18,790 --> 01:03:20,951
There were many men
interested in you?
1064
01:03:21,026 --> 01:03:24,826
I was quite a lively dancer.
1065
01:03:24,897 --> 01:03:26,865
It's very hard to believe.
1066
01:03:26,965 --> 01:03:32,198
I had a really good day.
It was a fine way to spend my birthday.
1067
01:03:32,271 --> 01:03:35,434
- Y our birthday isn't until tomorrow.
- But it's real close.
1068
01:03:35,507 --> 01:03:37,839
But no presents until midnight.
1069
01:03:41,547 --> 01:03:42,980
Happy birthday.
1070
01:03:43,048 --> 01:03:46,176
What is this? Is this a present?
Are you kidding?
1071
01:03:46,251 --> 01:03:48,981
Y eah. Why don't you try it on?
1072
01:03:49,054 --> 01:03:53,582
- This is more like a present for you.
- It'll add ten years to our sex life.
1073
01:03:53,659 --> 01:03:55,559
Y eah. Forget it.
1074
01:03:55,627 --> 01:03:58,323
Here's a real present.
1075
01:03:58,397 --> 01:04:01,389
- What is this anyway?
- Check it out.
1076
01:04:05,771 --> 01:04:09,764
Y ou knew I wanted this.
God, it's terrific!
1077
01:04:09,841 --> 01:04:13,242
Just put on the watch and that thing.
It'll be perfect.
1078
01:04:23,974 --> 01:04:27,910
Seems like
1079
01:04:27,978 --> 01:04:32,608
Old times
1080
01:04:33,984 --> 01:04:37,476
having you
1081
01:04:37,555 --> 01:04:40,285
To walk with
1082
01:04:40,357 --> 01:04:43,451
seems like
1083
01:04:46,964 --> 01:04:51,264
Old times
1084
01:04:52,803 --> 01:04:57,103
having you to walk with
1085
01:04:58,642 --> 01:05:03,944
And it's still a thrill
1086
01:05:04,014 --> 01:05:09,316
just to have my arms
1087
01:05:09,386 --> 01:05:11,854
Around you
1088
01:05:15,025 --> 01:05:19,121
still the thrill
1089
01:05:19,196 --> 01:05:23,189
That it was the day
1090
01:05:23,267 --> 01:05:26,759
I found you
1091
01:05:26,837 --> 01:05:32,469
seems like
1092
01:05:32,543 --> 01:05:37,037
Old times
1093
01:05:40,251 --> 01:05:45,484
dinner dates and flowers
1094
01:05:47,958 --> 01:05:53,328
Old times
1095
01:05:54,832 --> 01:06:00,168
staying up all hours
1096
01:06:00,237 --> 01:06:05,470
Making dreams come true
1097
01:06:06,844 --> 01:06:11,679
doing things we used
1098
01:06:12,883 --> 01:06:16,284
To do
1099
01:06:18,222 --> 01:06:21,453
seems like
1100
01:06:21,525 --> 01:06:25,154
Old times
1101
01:06:29,400 --> 01:06:34,497
here with
1102
01:06:36,440 --> 01:06:40,934
y ou
1103
01:06:47,618 --> 01:06:49,586
Thank you.
1104
01:06:49,687 --> 01:06:51,882
Y ou were sensational.
1105
01:06:51,956 --> 01:06:55,357
I told you if you stuck to it,
you would be great and...
1106
01:06:55,426 --> 01:06:57,553
y ou were sensational.
1107
01:06:57,661 --> 01:07:00,994
Y eah, they were a terrific audience.
1108
01:07:01,065 --> 01:07:04,660
It makes it easy for me,
because I can be...
1109
01:07:04,735 --> 01:07:08,171
excuse me.
Hi, I'm Tony Lacey.
1110
01:07:08,239 --> 01:07:13,040
- We wanted to say we enjoyed your set.
- Y eah? Really?
1111
01:07:13,110 --> 01:07:16,102
I thought it was very musical.
I liked it a lot.
1112
01:07:16,180 --> 01:07:18,307
That's really nice.
Thanks a lot.
1113
01:07:18,382 --> 01:07:22,409
Are you recording?
Are you with any label?
1114
01:07:22,486 --> 01:07:25,751
Me? No, not at all.
1115
01:07:25,823 --> 01:07:30,055
I'd like to talk to you about that
sometime if you get a chance.
1116
01:07:30,127 --> 01:07:33,426
Possibly working together.
1117
01:07:33,497 --> 01:07:38,161
That's nice. This is Alvy singer.
Do you know Alvy?
1118
01:07:38,235 --> 01:07:42,433
I don't, but I know your work.
I'm a big fan of yours.
1119
01:07:42,506 --> 01:07:46,704
This is shawn, Bob and petronia.
1120
01:07:49,413 --> 01:07:52,314
We're going back to the pierre...
1121
01:07:52,383 --> 01:07:55,443
and we're going to meet
jack and Angelica for a drink.
1122
01:07:55,519 --> 01:07:58,682
If you'd like to come,
we'd love to have you.
1123
01:07:58,756 --> 01:08:02,385
We can sit and talk.
Not a big deal.
1124
01:08:02,459 --> 01:08:05,360
Just relax, be very mellow.
1125
01:08:05,429 --> 01:08:07,590
Remember we had that thing?
1126
01:08:07,665 --> 01:08:09,223
What thing?
1127
01:08:10,467 --> 01:08:12,867
Remember we discussed that thing?
1128
01:08:15,673 --> 01:08:20,303
Oh, the thing!
Oh, the thing. Y eah.
1129
01:08:20,377 --> 01:08:24,746
Well, if it's inconvenient,
that's fine, too.
1130
01:08:24,815 --> 01:08:29,445
We'll do it another time. If you're on
the coast, we'll get together there.
1131
01:08:29,520 --> 01:08:32,114
It was a wonderful set.
I really enjoyed it.
1132
01:08:32,189 --> 01:08:34,521
Nice to have met you.
Good night.
1133
01:08:40,597 --> 01:08:43,566
What's the matter?
Y ou want to go to that party?
1134
01:08:43,634 --> 01:08:46,296
I don't know.
I thought it might be fun.
1135
01:08:46,370 --> 01:08:48,565
It would be nice to meet
some new people.
1136
01:08:50,007 --> 01:08:54,706
I don't think I could take a mellow
evening. I don't respond well to mellow.
1137
01:08:54,778 --> 01:08:58,441
If I get too mellow,
I ripen and rot.
1138
01:08:58,515 --> 01:09:01,882
- It's not good for my...
- All right.
1139
01:09:01,952 --> 01:09:04,512
Y ou don't want to go to the party.
What do you want to do?
1140
01:09:12,463 --> 01:09:16,058
That day in Brooklyn was the last day
I remember having a good time.
1141
01:09:16,133 --> 01:09:19,967
- We never have any laughs anymore.
- I've been moody and dissatisfied.
1142
01:09:20,037 --> 01:09:23,097
- How often do you sleep together?
- Do you have sex often?
1143
01:09:23,173 --> 01:09:25,505
Hardly ever.
Maybe three times a week.
1144
01:09:25,576 --> 01:09:29,808
Constantly. I'd say three times a week.
Like the other night, Alvy wanted sex.
1145
01:09:29,880 --> 01:09:31,871
She would not sleep with me
the other night.
1146
01:09:31,949 --> 01:09:36,318
I don't know. Six months ago I would
have done it just to please him.
1147
01:09:36,387 --> 01:09:38,321
I tried everything.
1148
01:09:38,389 --> 01:09:41,881
I put on soft music
and my red light bulb.
1149
01:09:41,959 --> 01:09:47,261
Since our discussions here, I feel
I have a right to my own feelings.
1150
01:09:47,331 --> 01:09:50,698
I think you would have been happy,
because I really asserted myself.
1151
01:09:50,768 --> 01:09:53,236
The incredible thing is,
I'm paying for her analysis...
1152
01:09:53,303 --> 01:09:56,101
she's making progress,
and I'm getting screwed.
1153
01:09:56,173 --> 01:10:00,507
I feel so guilty,
because Alvy is paying for it.
1154
01:10:00,577 --> 01:10:02,875
So I feel guilty
if I don't sleep with him.
1155
01:10:02,946 --> 01:10:06,814
But if I do sleep with him, it's like
I'm going against my own feelings.
1156
01:10:06,884 --> 01:10:10,980
- I'm not making any progress.
- I can't win.
1157
01:10:11,054 --> 01:10:13,215
Sometimes I think
I should live with a woman.
1158
01:10:13,357 --> 01:10:17,589
I don't believe it.
Y ou guys have never snorted coke?
1159
01:10:17,661 --> 01:10:21,859
I always wanted to try,
but Alvy's very down on it.
1160
01:10:21,932 --> 01:10:25,561
Don't put it on me. I don't want to put
a wad of white powder in my nose.
1161
01:10:25,636 --> 01:10:27,570
There's the nasal membrane.
1162
01:10:27,638 --> 01:10:31,233
- Y ou never want to try anything new.
- How can you say that?
1163
01:10:31,308 --> 01:10:36,109
I said you, I and that girl
from acting class should sleep together.
1164
01:10:36,180 --> 01:10:39,149
- That's sick.
- I know it's sick, but it's new.
1165
01:10:39,216 --> 01:10:41,912
- Y ou didn't say it couldn't be sick.
- Come on, Alvy.
1166
01:10:43,053 --> 01:10:45,783
- Do your body a favor. Try it.
- It'll be fun.
1167
01:10:45,856 --> 01:10:50,225
I'm sure it's fun, 'cause the Incas
did it. They were a million laughs.
1168
01:10:50,294 --> 01:10:52,694
For your own experience.
Y ou want to write. Why not?
1169
01:10:52,763 --> 01:10:56,756
It's great stuff, Alvy. A friend
just brought it in from California.
1170
01:10:56,834 --> 01:11:00,099
I didn't tell you.
We're going to California next week.
1171
01:11:00,170 --> 01:11:03,264
It's really a thrill, as you know.
1172
01:11:03,340 --> 01:11:07,743
On my agent's advice, I sold out
and am going to do a Tv appearance.
1173
01:11:07,811 --> 01:11:10,279
That's not it at all.
Alvy's giving an award on Tv.
1174
01:11:10,347 --> 01:11:12,781
Y ou act like you're violating
a moral issue.
1175
01:11:12,850 --> 01:11:16,980
It's so phony. We have to leave new y ork
during Christmas. It kills me.
1176
01:11:17,054 --> 01:11:22,651
Listen, while you're in California,
could you score some coke for me?
1177
01:11:22,726 --> 01:11:27,857
Sure, be glad to. I'll just put it
in the hollow heel on my boot.
1178
01:11:27,931 --> 01:11:32,425
- How much is this stuff?
- About $2,000 an ounce.
1179
01:11:32,503 --> 01:11:35,063
Really?
And what is the kick of it?
1180
01:11:46,083 --> 01:11:49,985
I've never been so relaxed
as I have been since I moved out here.
1181
01:11:50,053 --> 01:11:54,046
I want you to see my house.
I live next to hugh hefner.
1182
01:11:54,124 --> 01:11:58,288
And the women are like in playboy,
but they can move their arms and legs.
1183
01:11:58,362 --> 01:12:02,025
I can't get over that
this is really Beverly hills.
1184
01:12:02,099 --> 01:12:05,125
The architecture is really consistent.
There's French next to spanish...
1185
01:12:05,202 --> 01:12:07,762
next to Tudor next to japanese.
1186
01:12:07,838 --> 01:12:09,772
It's so clean out here.
1187
01:12:09,840 --> 01:12:13,606
Because they don't throw garbage away.
They make it into Tv shows.
1188
01:12:13,677 --> 01:12:18,239
- Give us a break. It's Christmas.
- Can you believe this is Christmas?
1189
01:12:18,315 --> 01:12:21,978
It was snowing and really gray
in new y ork.
1190
01:12:22,052 --> 01:12:24,680
Nice. Santa Claus
will have sun stroke.
1191
01:12:24,755 --> 01:12:28,088
Max, there's no crime,
there's no mugging.
1192
01:12:28,125 --> 01:12:30,252
There's no economic crime...
1193
01:12:30,327 --> 01:12:33,490
but there's ritual,
religious cult murders.
1194
01:12:33,564 --> 01:12:35,589
There's wheat-germ
killers out here.
1195
01:12:35,666 --> 01:12:38,294
While you're out here,
I want you to see my Tv show.
1196
01:12:38,368 --> 01:12:40,893
And we're invited
to a big Christmas party.
1197
01:12:52,015 --> 01:12:55,507
Charlie, give me a good laugh here.
1198
01:12:58,455 --> 01:13:00,480
A little bigger.
1199
01:13:00,557 --> 01:13:03,185
Do you realiZe how immoral
this all is?
1200
01:13:03,260 --> 01:13:05,387
I've got a hit series.
1201
01:13:05,462 --> 01:13:07,453
But you're adding fake laughs.
1202
01:13:09,600 --> 01:13:12,535
Give me a tremendous laugh here.
1203
01:13:12,603 --> 01:13:14,696
We do the show live
in front of an audience.
1204
01:13:14,771 --> 01:13:17,001
But nobody laughs,
because the jokes aren't funny.
1205
01:13:17,074 --> 01:13:19,634
That's why this machine is dynamite.
1206
01:13:23,580 --> 01:13:26,845
Give me a medium chuckle here...
1207
01:13:26,917 --> 01:13:29,909
and then a big hand.
1208
01:13:29,987 --> 01:13:32,854
Is there booing on that?
1209
01:13:32,923 --> 01:13:35,653
I don't feel well.
1210
01:13:35,726 --> 01:13:39,321
- What's the matter?
- I got very diZZy.
1211
01:13:39,396 --> 01:13:41,694
- I feel diZZy.
- Sit down.
1212
01:13:41,765 --> 01:13:43,198
Jesus.
1213
01:13:44,101 --> 01:13:47,070
Y ou all right?
Y ou want to lie down?
1214
01:13:47,137 --> 01:13:50,163
No. My stomach felt
queasy all morning.
1215
01:13:50,240 --> 01:13:52,333
How about a ginger ale?
1216
01:13:52,409 --> 01:13:55,105
No.
Maybe I'd better lie down.
1217
01:13:55,178 --> 01:13:58,944
Try to get some of this down.
It's just plain chicken.
1218
01:14:00,617 --> 01:14:03,586
No, I can't eat this.
I'm nauseous.
1219
01:14:05,856 --> 01:14:09,587
If you could get me something
to get me through the next two hours.
1220
01:14:09,660 --> 01:14:13,528
I have to go to Burbank
and give out an award on a Tv show.
1221
01:14:13,597 --> 01:14:16,259
There's nothing wrong with you
as far as I can tell.
1222
01:14:16,333 --> 01:14:19,530
Y ou have no fever,
no symptoms of anything serious.
1223
01:14:19,603 --> 01:14:23,767
- Y ou haven't eaten pork or shellfish.
- Excuse me. I'm sorry, doctor.
1224
01:14:23,840 --> 01:14:27,833
Alvy, that was the show. Everything
is fine. They found a replacement.
1225
01:14:27,911 --> 01:14:30,072
They're going to tape without you.
1226
01:14:30,147 --> 01:14:32,741
Jesus!
Now I don't get to do the Tv show?
1227
01:14:34,384 --> 01:14:37,182
- I can't find any reason for this.
- Nothing at all?
1228
01:14:37,254 --> 01:14:41,281
- I could get a lab man up here.
- Hand me the salt, please.
1229
01:14:41,358 --> 01:14:45,419
Perhaps it would be better
if we took him to the hospital.
1230
01:14:45,495 --> 01:14:46,928
The hospital?
1231
01:14:46,997 --> 01:14:50,305
- There's no other way to diagnose him.
- This is not bad, actually.
1232
01:14:55,511 --> 01:14:58,844
Don't tell me we're going to have
to walk from the car to the house?
1233
01:14:58,914 --> 01:15:01,940
My feet haven't touched pavement
since I reached Los Angeles.
1234
01:15:02,017 --> 01:15:05,817
I'll take a meeting with you
if you'll take a meeting with Freddy.
1235
01:15:05,888 --> 01:15:08,118
I took a meeting with Freddy.
Freddy took a meeting with Charlie.
1236
01:15:08,190 --> 01:15:10,886
- Y ou take a meeting with him.
- All the good meetings are taken.
1237
01:15:10,959 --> 01:15:12,893
Right now it's only a notion.
1238
01:15:12,961 --> 01:15:17,057
I think I can get money to make it into
a concept, then turn it into an idea.
1239
01:15:18,066 --> 01:15:19,863
Like this house, Max?
1240
01:15:19,935 --> 01:15:22,495
Even wrote a road map
to get us to the bathroom.
1241
01:15:22,571 --> 01:15:24,630
Y ou should have told me
it was Tony Lacey's party.
1242
01:15:24,706 --> 01:15:26,401
What difference does that make?
1243
01:15:26,475 --> 01:15:28,409
I think he has a thing for Annie.
1244
01:15:28,477 --> 01:15:32,436
- No. He goes with that girl over there.
- Where?
1245
01:15:32,514 --> 01:15:35,540
- The one with the vpL.
- VpL?
1246
01:15:35,617 --> 01:15:38,643
Visible panty line.
She's gorgeous.
1247
01:15:38,720 --> 01:15:41,917
She's a ten. That's great for you,
'cause you're used to two's, aren't you?
1248
01:15:41,990 --> 01:15:43,582
There are no two's.
1249
01:15:43,659 --> 01:15:46,287
Y ou're used to the kind with shopping
bags walking through Central park...
1250
01:15:46,361 --> 01:15:49,023
with the surgical masks on,
muttering.
1251
01:15:49,097 --> 01:15:51,930
How do you like this couple? They look
like they're from Masters and johnson.
1252
01:15:52,000 --> 01:15:55,993
Intensive care ward.
My God!
1253
01:15:56,071 --> 01:16:00,064
- I think she's giving me the eye.
- If she comes over, my brain will mush.
1254
01:16:01,410 --> 01:16:04,072
Y ou're Alvy singer, right?
Didn't we meet at esT?
1255
01:16:04,146 --> 01:16:06,011
No, I was never to esT.
1256
01:16:06,081 --> 01:16:09,175
- Then how can you criticiZe it?
- He didn't say anything.
1257
01:16:09,251 --> 01:16:13,483
I came to get some shock therapy,
but there was an energy crisis.
1258
01:16:13,555 --> 01:16:16,353
- He's my food taster. Have you two met?
- How do you do?
1259
01:16:16,425 --> 01:16:19,519
- Do you taste for poisoned food?
- Y eah, he's great.
1260
01:16:19,595 --> 01:16:21,995
Y ou guys are wearing white.
It must be in the stars.
1261
01:16:22,064 --> 01:16:25,966
- Uri Geller must be on the premises.
- We're going to operate together.
1262
01:16:26,034 --> 01:16:31,028
In about six weeks
we could cut the whole album.
1263
01:16:31,106 --> 01:16:33,506
I don't know.
This is strange to me.
1264
01:16:33,575 --> 01:16:36,601
Y ou can stay here.
Use the whole wing in this house.
1265
01:16:36,678 --> 01:16:41,308
- Stay here?
- Really. Why are you smiling?
1266
01:16:41,383 --> 01:16:44,875
Not only is he a great agent,
but he really gives good leading.
1267
01:16:44,953 --> 01:16:49,413
This is a great house: Saunas,
jacuZZis, three tennis courts.
1268
01:16:49,491 --> 01:16:53,757
Y ou know who the original owners were?
Nelson eddy then Legs diamond.
1269
01:16:53,829 --> 01:16:57,162
- Then you know who lived here?
- Trigger.
1270
01:16:57,232 --> 01:17:00,633
Charlie Chaplin,
right before his un-American thing.
1271
01:17:02,137 --> 01:17:06,335
- But you guys are still new y orkers.
- Y eah, I love it there.
1272
01:17:06,408 --> 01:17:11,436
I used to live there for years,
but it's so dirty now.
1273
01:17:11,513 --> 01:17:15,779
- I'm into garbage. It's my thing.
- This is a nice screening room.
1274
01:17:15,851 --> 01:17:18,046
There's another thing about new y ork.
1275
01:17:18,120 --> 01:17:20,281
If you want to see a movie,
you have to stand on line.
1276
01:17:20,355 --> 01:17:22,721
It could be freeZing or raining.
And here...
1277
01:17:22,791 --> 01:17:25,282
We saw Grand Illusion here last night.
1278
01:17:25,360 --> 01:17:28,329
That's a great film if you're high.
It's really funny.
1279
01:17:28,397 --> 01:17:31,662
Come and see our bedroom.
We did a fantastic thing up there.
1280
01:17:31,733 --> 01:17:33,826
I'm cool.
1281
01:17:33,902 --> 01:17:36,871
It's wonderful.
They eat and watch movies all day.
1282
01:17:36,938 --> 01:17:41,432
And gradually you get old and die. It's
important to make an effort sometimes.
1283
01:17:41,510 --> 01:17:43,842
- Do you think his girlfriend's pretty?
- She's great looking.
1284
01:17:43,912 --> 01:17:47,279
A little on the androgynous side.
1285
01:17:47,349 --> 01:17:49,283
I forgot my mantra.
1286
01:18:07,969 --> 01:18:10,233
That was fun.
1287
01:18:10,305 --> 01:18:13,433
I don't think California
is bad at all.
1288
01:18:13,508 --> 01:18:15,806
It's a drag coming home.
1289
01:18:15,877 --> 01:18:19,973
A lot of beautiful women.
It was fun to flirt.
1290
01:18:20,048 --> 01:18:22,175
I have to face facts.
1291
01:18:22,250 --> 01:18:26,880
I adore Alvy, but our relationship
doesn't seem to work anymore.
1292
01:18:26,955 --> 01:18:30,686
I'll have the usual trouble
with Annie in bed tonight.
1293
01:18:30,759 --> 01:18:32,693
Why do I need this?
1294
01:18:32,761 --> 01:18:37,698
If only I had the nerve to break up,
but it would really hurt him.
1295
01:18:37,766 --> 01:18:41,293
If only I didn't feel guilty
asking Annie to move out.
1296
01:18:41,369 --> 01:18:44,736
It'd probably wreck her,
but I should be honest.
1297
01:18:44,806 --> 01:18:47,536
Alvy, let's face it.
1298
01:18:47,609 --> 01:18:51,340
I don't think our relationship
is working.
1299
01:18:51,413 --> 01:18:54,439
I know. A relationship
is like a shark:
1300
01:18:54,516 --> 01:18:57,815
It has to constantly
move forward or it dies.
1301
01:18:57,886 --> 01:19:01,845
And I think what we've got
on our hands is a dead shark.
1302
01:19:01,923 --> 01:19:04,687
- Whose Catcher in the Rye is this?
- If it has my name on it...
1303
01:19:04,760 --> 01:19:06,921
I guess it's mine.
1304
01:19:06,995 --> 01:19:12,763
Y ou wrote your name in all my books,
'cause you knew this day would come.
1305
01:19:12,834 --> 01:19:16,292
Y ou wanted to break up
just as much as I do.
1306
01:19:16,371 --> 01:19:20,307
No question. I think
we're doing the mature thing.
1307
01:19:20,375 --> 01:19:23,708
Look. All the books
on death and dying are yours.
1308
01:19:23,779 --> 01:19:26,213
And all the poetry books are mine.
1309
01:19:26,281 --> 01:19:29,682
Denial of death.
This is the first book I got you.
1310
01:19:29,751 --> 01:19:31,685
Remember that day?
1311
01:19:31,753 --> 01:19:34,347
I feel like there's
a great weight off my back.
1312
01:19:36,057 --> 01:19:38,025
Thanks, honey.
1313
01:19:38,093 --> 01:19:43,463
I mean, no. I think it's important
for us to explore new relationships.
1314
01:19:43,532 --> 01:19:48,629
There's no question about that, because
we've given this a more than fair shot.
1315
01:19:48,703 --> 01:19:50,898
My analyst thinks this move
is key for me.
1316
01:19:50,972 --> 01:19:55,341
And I trust her,
because my analyst recommended her.
1317
01:19:55,410 --> 01:19:58,504
Why should I put you through
all my moods and hang-ups anyway?
1318
01:19:58,580 --> 01:20:02,107
Y ou know what the beauty part is?
We can always come back together again.
1319
01:20:02,184 --> 01:20:04,345
- There's no problem.
- Exactly.
1320
01:20:04,419 --> 01:20:09,049
I don't think many couples could handle
this, break up and remain friends.
1321
01:20:09,124 --> 01:20:11,820
This button is mine.
Remember?
1322
01:20:11,893 --> 01:20:15,624
These are yours. "Impeach eisenhower. "
"Lmpeach nixon. "
1323
01:20:15,697 --> 01:20:19,326
"Lmpeach Lyndon johnson. "
"Lmpeach Ronald Reagan. "
1324
01:20:20,802 --> 01:20:24,294
I miss Annie.
I made a terrible mistake.
1325
01:20:24,372 --> 01:20:27,398
She's living in Los Angeles
with Tony Lacey.
1326
01:20:27,475 --> 01:20:31,036
If she is, then the hell with her. If
she likes that lifestyle, let her stay.
1327
01:20:31,112 --> 01:20:33,979
- He's a jerk for one thing.
- He graduated harvard.
1328
01:20:34,049 --> 01:20:37,951
Harvard makes mistakes, too.
Kissinger taught there.
1329
01:20:38,920 --> 01:20:41,320
Don't tell me you're jealous?
1330
01:20:41,389 --> 01:20:43,516
Y eah. Jealous? A little bit.
Like Medea.
1331
01:20:43,592 --> 01:20:47,255
Can I show you something?
I found this in the apartment.
1332
01:20:47,329 --> 01:20:52,130
Black soap. She used to wash her face
800 times a day with black soap.
1333
01:20:52,200 --> 01:20:54,191
Don't ask me why.
1334
01:20:54,269 --> 01:20:56,794
Why don't you go out with other women?
1335
01:20:56,872 --> 01:21:00,137
I tried,
but it's very depressing.
1336
01:21:00,208 --> 01:21:03,143
This always happens to me.
Quick! Get a broom!
1337
01:21:03,211 --> 01:21:06,374
What are you making
such a big deal about?
1338
01:21:06,448 --> 01:21:09,144
They're only lobsters.
1339
01:21:09,217 --> 01:21:12,516
- Y ou're adult. Y ou can pick up lobsters.
- I'm not myself since I quit smoking.
1340
01:21:12,587 --> 01:21:15,852
- When did you quit?
- Sixteen years ago.
1341
01:21:15,924 --> 01:21:18,757
- What do you mean?
- Mean?
1342
01:21:19,895 --> 01:21:22,864
Y ou stopped smoking 16 years ago.
Is that what you said?
1343
01:21:24,733 --> 01:21:27,065
I don't understand.
1344
01:21:27,135 --> 01:21:29,763
Are you joking or what?
1345
01:21:41,049 --> 01:21:43,244
Central park's turning green.
1346
01:21:43,318 --> 01:21:48,187
I saw that lunatic we used to see
with the pinwheel hat...
1347
01:21:48,256 --> 01:21:50,656
and the roller-skates.
1348
01:21:50,725 --> 01:21:54,183
Listen, I want you to come back here.
1349
01:21:54,262 --> 01:21:57,663
Well, then I'm going to come out there
and get you.
1350
01:22:02,037 --> 01:22:04,335
What do you mean, where am I?
Where do you think I am?
1351
01:22:04,406 --> 01:22:08,604
I'm at the Los Angeles airport.
I flew in.
1352
01:22:08,677 --> 01:22:11,510
I flew in to see you.
1353
01:22:11,579 --> 01:22:14,810
Can we not debate this
on the telephone...
1354
01:22:14,883 --> 01:22:17,716
because I've got a temperature...
1355
01:22:17,786 --> 01:22:21,858
and I'm getting my chronic
Los Angeles nausea again.
1356
01:22:21,992 --> 01:22:24,426
Wherever you want to meet.
I don't care.
1357
01:22:24,494 --> 01:22:26,462
I'll drive in.
I rented a car.
1358
01:22:27,631 --> 01:22:29,565
I'm driving.
1359
01:22:29,633 --> 01:22:32,568
What, is that such a miracle?
I'm driving myself.
1360
01:22:48,852 --> 01:22:51,719
I'm going to have the alfalfa sprouts...
1361
01:22:51,788 --> 01:22:55,451
and a plate of mashed yeast.
1362
01:23:15,011 --> 01:23:16,672
Y ou look pretty.
1363
01:23:16,746 --> 01:23:20,375
No, I just lost a little weight,
that's all.
1364
01:23:24,788 --> 01:23:27,655
Well, you look nice.
1365
01:23:27,724 --> 01:23:31,558
I think we should get married.
1366
01:23:31,628 --> 01:23:33,095
Come on.
1367
01:23:34,931 --> 01:23:39,391
Why, you want to live out here?
It's like living in Munchkinland.
1368
01:23:39,469 --> 01:23:43,235
What do you mean?
It's perfectly fine out here.
1369
01:23:43,306 --> 01:23:46,707
Tony's very nice.
1370
01:23:46,776 --> 01:23:49,973
I meet people, go to parties
and play tennis.
1371
01:23:50,046 --> 01:23:52,810
That's a very big step for me.
1372
01:23:52,883 --> 01:23:56,011
I'm able to enjoy people more.
1373
01:23:56,086 --> 01:23:59,078
Y ou're not going to come back
to new y ork?
1374
01:23:59,156 --> 01:24:03,058
What's so great about new y ork? It's a
dying city. Y ou read death in venice.
1375
01:24:03,126 --> 01:24:06,459
Y ou didn't read death in venice
until I bought it for you.
1376
01:24:06,530 --> 01:24:09,931
That's right. Y ou only gave me books
with the word "death" in the title.
1377
01:24:10,000 --> 01:24:12,366
Because it's an important issue.
1378
01:24:12,435 --> 01:24:15,427
Y ou're incapable of enjoying life.
Y ou know that?
1379
01:24:15,505 --> 01:24:17,939
Y ou're like new y ork City.
Y ou're just this person.
1380
01:24:18,008 --> 01:24:20,602
Y ou're like this island unto yourself.
1381
01:24:20,677 --> 01:24:23,771
I can't enjoy anything
unless everybody is.
1382
01:24:23,847 --> 01:24:28,216
If one guy is starving someplace,
it puts a crimp in my evening.
1383
01:24:30,654 --> 01:24:32,588
Do you want to get married?
1384
01:24:34,691 --> 01:24:37,854
No. We're friends.
1385
01:24:37,928 --> 01:24:40,624
I want to remain friends.
1386
01:24:42,699 --> 01:24:44,132
Check please.
1387
01:24:44,201 --> 01:24:47,193
Y ou're mad, aren't you?
1388
01:24:47,270 --> 01:24:50,137
Y es, of course I'm mad,
because you love me. I know that.
1389
01:24:50,207 --> 01:24:52,732
I can't say that that's true
at this point in my life.
1390
01:24:52,809 --> 01:24:55,539
I really can't say that's true.
1391
01:24:55,612 --> 01:24:58,513
Y ou know how wonderful you are.
1392
01:24:58,582 --> 01:25:02,450
Y ou're the reason I got out of my room,
that I was able to sing...
1393
01:25:02,519 --> 01:25:06,853
and get more in touch with my feelings
and all that crap.
1394
01:25:06,923 --> 01:25:09,323
Listen, listen.
1395
01:25:10,594 --> 01:25:12,323
So what are you up to?
1396
01:25:14,731 --> 01:25:18,667
The usual. I'm trying to write.
I'm working on a play.
1397
01:25:20,503 --> 01:25:23,097
Are you saying you're not coming back
to new y ork with me?
1398
01:25:24,407 --> 01:25:29,174
No. Look.
I gotta go.
1399
01:25:29,246 --> 01:25:32,613
What do you mean?
I flew 3,000 miles to see you.
1400
01:25:32,682 --> 01:25:35,446
Air miles. Do you know
what that does to my stomach?
1401
01:25:35,518 --> 01:25:37,509
If you must know,
it's a hectic time for Tony.
1402
01:25:37,587 --> 01:25:39,578
- The Grammys are tonight.
- The what?
1403
01:25:39,656 --> 01:25:41,783
The Grammys. He's got a lot
of records up for awards.
1404
01:25:41,858 --> 01:25:44,554
They give awards for that music?
I thought just ear plugs.
1405
01:25:44,628 --> 01:25:48,189
Just forget it. Let's just
forget the conversation.
1406
01:25:48,265 --> 01:25:51,359
They do nothing but give out awards.
I can't believe it.
1407
01:25:51,434 --> 01:25:54,631
Greatest Fascist dictator:
Adolph hitler.
1408
01:26:24,868 --> 01:26:27,735
I know what you're going to say.
I'm not a great driver.
1409
01:26:27,804 --> 01:26:30,967
- I have some problems with...
- May I see your license, please?
1410
01:26:31,041 --> 01:26:33,635
Just don't get angry.
1411
01:26:33,710 --> 01:26:37,578
I have my license here.
It's a rented car.
1412
01:26:39,549 --> 01:26:42,882
Don't give me your life's story.
1413
01:26:42,952 --> 01:26:45,216
Just pick up the license.
1414
01:26:45,288 --> 01:26:49,156
Y ou have to ask nicely, because
I've had a rough day. My girlfriend...
1415
01:26:49,225 --> 01:26:51,693
just give me the license, please.
1416
01:26:53,463 --> 01:26:56,261
Since you put it that way,
it's hard for me to refuse.
1417
01:26:56,333 --> 01:26:59,427
I have a terrific problem
with authority.
1418
01:26:59,502 --> 01:27:01,902
It's not your fault.
Don't take it personal.
1419
01:27:10,113 --> 01:27:12,673
So long, fellows.
Keep in touch.
1420
01:27:22,192 --> 01:27:26,026
Imagine my surprise
when I got your call.
1421
01:27:26,096 --> 01:27:29,327
Y eah. I had the feeling
I got you at a bad moment.
1422
01:27:29,399 --> 01:27:31,697
I heard high-pitched squealing.
1423
01:27:31,768 --> 01:27:33,235
Twins, Max.
1424
01:27:34,137 --> 01:27:36,196
Sixteen-year-olds.
1425
01:27:37,707 --> 01:27:41,438
Can you imagine the mathematical
possibilities of that?
1426
01:27:41,511 --> 01:27:45,003
Y ou're an actor. Y ou should be doing
shakespeare in the park.
1427
01:27:45,081 --> 01:27:48,414
I did shakespeare in the park.
I got mugged.
1428
01:27:48,485 --> 01:27:51,886
I was playing Richard II. Two guys
with leather jackets stole my leotard.
1429
01:27:57,460 --> 01:28:00,759
Are we driving through plutonium?
1430
01:28:00,830 --> 01:28:04,288
Keeps out the alpha rays.
Y ou don't get old.
1431
01:28:06,569 --> 01:28:09,902
Y ou're a thinking person.
How can you choose this lifestyle?
1432
01:28:09,973 --> 01:28:12,703
What is so great about new y ork?
1433
01:28:12,776 --> 01:28:15,973
It's a dying city.
Y ou read death in venice.
1434
01:28:16,045 --> 01:28:18,445
Y ou didn't read death in venice
until I gave it to you.
1435
01:28:18,515 --> 01:28:20,847
Y ou only give me books
with the word "death" in the title.
1436
01:28:20,917 --> 01:28:24,819
- It's an important issue.
- Y ou're incapable of enjoying life.
1437
01:28:24,888 --> 01:28:27,982
Y ou're like new y ork.
Y ou're an island.
1438
01:28:28,057 --> 01:28:31,686
Okay. If that's all that we've been
through together means to you...
1439
01:28:31,761 --> 01:28:35,424
it's better if we just said good-bye,
once and for all.
1440
01:28:35,498 --> 01:28:37,022
It's funny.
1441
01:28:37,100 --> 01:28:39,500
After all the serious talks
and passionate moments...
1442
01:28:39,569 --> 01:28:43,096
that it ends here, in a health food
restaurant on sunset Boulevard.
1443
01:28:43,873 --> 01:28:46,273
Good-bye, sally.
1444
01:28:46,342 --> 01:28:50,779
Wait.
I'm going to go with you.
1445
01:28:50,847 --> 01:28:52,815
I love you.
1446
01:28:56,219 --> 01:28:59,120
What do you want?
It was my first play.
1447
01:28:59,189 --> 01:29:02,249
Y ou know how you're always trying to
get things to come out perfect in art...
1448
01:29:02,325 --> 01:29:05,556
because it's real difficult in life.
1449
01:29:05,628 --> 01:29:10,190
Interestingly, however,
I did run into Annie again.
1450
01:29:10,266 --> 01:29:12,325
It was on the Upper West side
of Manhattan.
1451
01:29:12,402 --> 01:29:16,133
She had moved back to new y ork.
She was living in soho with some guy.
1452
01:29:16,206 --> 01:29:20,302
When I met her, she was dragging him
in to see The sorrow and the pity...
1453
01:29:20,376 --> 01:29:22,970
which I counted
as a personal triumph.
1454
01:29:23,046 --> 01:29:25,810
Annie and I had lunch
sometime after that...
1455
01:29:25,882 --> 01:29:29,909
and just kicked around old times.
1456
01:29:29,986 --> 01:29:34,116
Just to have my arms
1457
01:29:36,192 --> 01:29:38,217
Around you
1458
01:29:41,865 --> 01:29:45,392
still the thrill
1459
01:29:46,002 --> 01:29:49,267
That it was the day
1460
01:29:49,339 --> 01:29:51,637
I found you
1461
01:29:52,542 --> 01:29:55,807
seems like
1462
01:29:58,047 --> 01:30:02,814
Old times
1463
01:30:05,421 --> 01:30:10,825
dinner dates and flowers
1464
01:30:13,663 --> 01:30:15,688
Old times
1465
01:30:17,133 --> 01:30:20,000
After that, it got late
and we both had to go.
1466
01:30:20,069 --> 01:30:22,264
But it was great seeing Annie again.
1467
01:30:22,338 --> 01:30:25,068
I realiZe
what a terrific person she was...
1468
01:30:25,141 --> 01:30:28,008
and how much fun it was
just knowing her.
1469
01:30:28,077 --> 01:30:31,740
And I thought of that old joke.
1470
01:30:31,814 --> 01:30:36,649
This guy goes to a psychiatrist
and says, "doc, my brother's craZy.
1471
01:30:36,719 --> 01:30:39,313
He thinks he's a chicken. "
1472
01:30:39,389 --> 01:30:41,687
The doctor says,
"Why don't you turn him in?"
1473
01:30:41,758 --> 01:30:44,818
The guy says,
"I would, but I need the eggs. "
1474
01:30:44,894 --> 01:30:49,456
Well, I guess that's, now, how I feel
about relationships.
1475
01:30:49,532 --> 01:30:54,560
They're totally irrational,
craZy and absurd.
1476
01:30:54,637 --> 01:30:57,629
But I guess we keep going through it...
1477
01:30:57,707 --> 01:31:00,904
because most of us need the eggs.
125984
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