All language subtitles for The+Bank+Dick.1940.Cline

Egbert Souse?
Why, isn't that an odd name?

lt isn't pronounced ''Souse.''
Accent grave over the ''e.''

Egbert Sousé.
Oh, l see.

[ Banging ]

What's he up to now?
What is he up to?

Your guess is as good
as mine, Ma. l never know
what to expect next.

l bet anything he's smoking
up in his room again!

This time, Agatha,
you've got to just
tell him to stop!

His smokin'
gave me asthma.
Oh, Ma!

lf he don't,
l'm going on the county.
Ma!

lmagine a man tying to
take care of his family...

by going to theater bank nights,
working puzzle contests
and suggesting slogans.

[ Phone Ringing ]
Telephone's ringing!

Don't answer it, Elsie Mae.
It's probably the LaCavas
wanting their lawn mower back.

We're not
finished with it yet.
[ Ringing ]

Hello, daughter.
Hello.

Hello, Myrtle.
Hello.

Hello.
Hello.

Agatha, this time
you've just got to tell him!

l just can't stand it!
It's just a lingering death.

lf you don't,
l will go on the county!

[ Sobbing ]

What's eatin' you?

My Sunday school teacher,
Mr. Stackhouse, told me...

that he saw my father coming out
ofa saloon the other day...

and that Dad
was smoking a pipe!

Oh, l'll kill myself

[ Mumbling ]
What's the matter with her?

l'll starve myself to death.

lt's the easiest way out.
It's not so difficult to do.

l tried it
yesterday afternoon.
[Knocking]

Oh, that must be Og.
Will you excuse me?

- Nice potatoes.
- Thank you.

Why don't we get
any more crumpets?

[ Ma ]
Smoking and drinking!

And reading those infernal
detective stories!

House just smells
of liquor and smoke.

There he goes again,
down to the saloon...

to read that silly
detective magazine!

Mother's right. You've been
smokin' again in your room.

Oh!

Aah!
[ Groaning ]

lmagine the man who takes money
out of a child's piggy bank,
puts in l.O.U s.

[ Screaming ]
Don't you dare
strike that child!

You put that down!
Put it down!

Uh, Og, l'd like you
to meet my father.

Father, this is
Og Oggilby.
[ Chuckling ]

Og Oggilby.

Sounds like a bubble
in a bathtub.

l'm glad
to have met ya!
Mighty glad
to have met you.

Your father
seems awfully nice.

Yes, we think so.

What seems to be
the trouble?

Are you carrying
the proper amount of air
in the tires?

Uh, had the brakes
tested lately?

Course, it may be
the wheelbase.

[ Crashing ]

Those are tools.
Why don't you go away
and mind your own business?

Listen to the gentleman
attentively,James.

Be polite.
[ Egbert ]
Thank you, madam.

Give me a shift expander.
l'll fix it.

A what?
Monkeywrench.

Give the gentleman
what he asks for,James.

Aah! Ohh!

Here's all you gotta do.
Just open up this nut here.

[ Grunting ]

Uh-uh.

## [ Whistling ]

l was down to Cape Cod
most of... that year.

Say, you'll have to either
Vaseline this place in here
or move the post over.

l had half interest
in a cod-liver-oil mine
down in Cape Cod.

Snowed all winter.

We did a lot
of boondoggling.

Did you ever
boondoggle,Joe?

No, l can't say
that l have.

These cloves
are pretty dy.

Better sprinkle them
with alcohol.

How do you do?

Meet you up the Elk's Club
several weeks ago?
No.

Never did, eh?

Ever do any
boondoggling?
No.

Give me a beer.
Never have, eh?
Mine's a poultice.

Never done boondoggling.
Must've been another fellow,
l guess.

Take off your hat
in the presence of a gentleman.

Well, here she goes.

Down the hatch.

[ Burps, Coughs ]

But l tell you
he's drunk, Q.Q.

Said he had trouble
with his wife. Yes.

We have tried,
but he isn't sober!

The best l can?

But you don't understand,
Q.Q.!

Hello? Hello?

The best l can!

Um, gimme a--
Good morning.

Good morning.
What can you give me
for shattered nerves?

l've got the jitters.

Joe, if the gentleman has
butterflies in his stomach,

l suggest a dash of Rover.

Rover?
Uh, dog, absinthe.

lt's very good
for the nerves.

That's fine.
Thank you.

That's just what
l needed.

My name's
Mackley Q. Greene.

And a man more beset
by trouble you'll ever see.
Again.

l'm here in Lompoc
on a movie location.

My director started
on a bender, and that's
always good for ten days.

We've got a 36-hour schedule
and a stinko script.

lt's a bubke and
opens in this vey town
the day after tomorrow.

Ah! Oh, you're yelling
right down my alley!

ln the old
Sennett days l used
to direct Fatty Arbuckle,

Charlie Chaplan,
Buster Keaton
and the rest of'em.

l can't get the celluloid
outta my blood.

Nights l used
to tend bar.

Would you entertain
a proposition to
direct this picture?

Um--
Take a chance on a percentage
of the profits basis?

Um, um, yes.
Just a moment.

Uh, was l in here last night,
and did l spend a $20 bill?

Yeah!

Oh, boy! What a load
that is off my mind!

l thought l'd lost it.

Here you are.
Keep the change.

l've got a script l've had
in mothballs for 20 years.

l read it to Irving and Milton
who run the Gem Cinema down here.

They said to me,
they said, ''Sousé,

it's better than
Gone With the Wind.''

My car's outside.
Let's get down on the set.
Okay.

Uh, l'll bring
the glasses back later.

[ Indistinct Chattering ]

Take a note, please.

Oh, Mr. Clam, please.
It's good for you.

Still can't do a thing
with him, Mr. Greene.
He's tight as a snare drum.

We won't bother anymore
with him. Mr. Sousé will
take over the direction.

Oh, fine. Glad to
meet you, Mr. Sousé.
Glad to know you.

Must've been a gnat.

Here comes Francois
and Miss Plupp.

Oh, yeah.

Ah. This is Miss Plupp,
l take it.

Yeah. And you
are Francois?

This is Mr. Sousé.
He's taking over the
direction of the picture.

Did you sleep well
last night?
Oh, l--

- Uh, maybe un peu?
- Comme ci, comme ça.

l don't know whether
this part is suited to
my personality or not.

Don't give it a thought.
l've changed eveything.

lnstead of it being
an English drawing-room drama,

l've made it
a circus picture.

Dorothy, don't just sit there!
Take down eveything he says.

Good morning,
Mr. Greene.
Aah!

lt's Saturday afternoon.

You make touchdown
after touchdown.

You kick goals.
You make passes.

You make the longest run
with the ball that was
ever made on the field.

ln these clothes?
Um,

you could change
your hat.

Take it easy there.
That's all right, Mr. Clam.
Swell. Swell.

Eveything's gonna be all right.
Just take--

Uh, he sees you
in the $50 seats.

He immediately
falls in love with ya.

He can't take
his eyes off ya.

How can he play base--
Foot.

ball, and watch me
in the grandstand?
It's part of the plot.

Attaboy!

Lift him up.
That's swell.
Now you're doin' good.

We're playin' the thing
very digni-- fied.

Uh, service, please.

- Come on, boys. Come on.
- Ahh!

[ Car Horn Honking ]

lt's him!
For the love
of Pete!

Attention.

Ah, we'll just walk
through this thing.

Take it, Miss Plupp,
where you come down
out of the grandstand.

He makes me sick!

Shall l bounce a rock
off his head?
Respect your father.

What kind
of a rock?
Oh, shut up!

You're both madly
in love with each other.

Embrace.

ls she standing
in a hole?
No, sir.

Go ahead.
Read your lines.

When does this thing stop?
It's all right.

You're doing all right.

lce cream.
Got any cigars, kid?
You know the brand.

We're making
motion-picture histoy here.

l want quiet!
Quiet from eveybody!

Ooh!
[ Groaning ]

Pa is drunk again!

Cut that out.
Take your dirty hands
off me!

Get back to your places.

Here.

Give this, uh, that
number seven expression.

''Those eyes!
Those ears!''

l wanna be in the picture.

Uh, l'll put you in
later on, dear.

Uh,
''Give me all--''

What's the matter, Pop?
Don't you love me?

Sure, l love ya!
Don't you dare
strike that child.

Ah, she's not gonna tell me
l don't love her.

[ Egbert ] ''Those eyes.''
[ francois ]
Those eyes.

Those ears!

That nose!

Oh, Godfrey Daniel!

Mother-of-pearl!

The child is only playing
with you, you fool.

Mmm, l don't understand
her funning.

Let's, uh--

[ Egbert ]
Uh, now to continue.

''Those eye--''

## [Joe Whistling ]
Um, thanks.

Oh, uh, study that script.
Say,Joe.

Mr. Sousé! Mr. Sousé!
How do you like that?

Mr. Greene, you haven't
another thing to worry about.

l'm perfectly okay.
[ Hiccups ]
You look it.

## [ Whistling ]

Getting quite late.
It is,
isn't it?

See you're
still at it.
Serves ya right.

- Be courteous,James.
- Yes, ma'am.

We'll leave
the motor running.
Come on.

Pass over all that dough
and do it quietly.

lmagine a guy parking his car
in front of a ''no parking'' sign
with the engine runnin'!

A two buck fine'll
do him a lot of good.
Let's take it to headquarters.

Don't forget to keep your foot
off that alarm.

Somebody must've nailed the car.
Let's take it on the lam.

[Alarm Ringing ]
Help! Help!
Police! Help!

Help! Police!
Robbery!
Help!

Come on! Help!
Police! Help!

Help! Help!
Police!
Robbey!

Did you see them?
They went down
that alley.

Let's cut that money up
right now.
Let's keep goin'.

Supposin' we get
split up?
What of it?

How much money you got?
Start countin'.
No.

Don't you trust me?
l don't trust nobody,
not even my mother.

Give me my end of that.
Turn loose of me, will ya?

Bank robbers, two of'em!
They went down this alley.

''Out to tea.Joe.''
He'll be drinkin'
sarsaparilla next.

Gimme half of
that dough.
l will not!

[ Siren Wailing ]

[ Honking ]

Must be another hold up
somewhere nears.

[ Honking Continues ]

There they are!

Grab him while
l put these on.
That's not one of the crooks.

That's Mr. Sousé.
Yeah, Sousé.
Accent grave over the ''e.''

Fine job, Mr. Sousé,
apprehending this desperado...

and retrieving
the bank's funds.
What?

You saved the $50,OOO.
That's the most important part!

Yeah, 50,OOO
ain't hay, no.

Those fellows got away, huh?
What happened?
Uh, yes.

Yes, he got away.
Pulled a knife on me that long!

An assegai.
[ Policeman ] Lucky you
had that revolver.

You always carry it
with you?
Ooh, take this.

We detectives
gotta do those things.

Never know when you're gonna
catch a couple bank robbers.

l know Mr. Skinner would like
to thank you personally after
what's just happened.

Drop into the bank.
l will. l'll go down
and tell him all about it.

Which way did the
other fellow go?
The other fellow?

He went away.
Away where?

Look out!
Look out there!

l'll give 'im
a punch in the nose.

See those handcuffs
are on tight, will ya?

Come to headquarters
and identify this guy.
Okay.

l'll break evey bone
in his head.

Myrtle should be proud
to have a father like you.
l guess she is.

No wonder after
a thing like that.

Elsie Mae Adele
Brunch Sousé's father...

just caught a burglar,
and he tried to cut his throat
with a knife this long!

Yeah.

[ Boy ]
And he had a gun
about this big!

You don't say!
Did you kill him with
one bullet, Mr. Sousé?

Mm-hmm.
Ooh.

Jiminy.
You're pretty good.
Jiminy! Boy!

One or two bullets
l don't know.
l was so busy shooting him.

- That's the way
l catch burglars.
- Do another.

Oh, boy! Ooh!

Will you teach me?
That's swell.

l'll teach you
when you grow up.

l never smoked a cigarette
till l was nine.

Sign my autograph book,
Mr. Souse?
Ah, Sousé, son.

Accent grave over the ''e.''
Sousé. There's the accent.

l saw ya through
the window.
Did ya?

A knife four feet long,
eh?
l'll say!

The sword Lee surrendered
to Grant was a potato peeler
by comparison.

You better come in
and have a little poultice
on the house.

l don't mind if l do.

[ Reporter ]
Mr. Sousé?
Yeah?

Here's the interview you gave me
for my paper. Look it over
and see if it's correct.

Oh, thanks.
l'll peruse it instanta

Oh, yes. ''Skinner's
National Bank robbed.

''Egbert Sousé makes
daring and heroic effort--

- [ Car Horn Honking ]
- Hey, you!

''...of Loudmouth McNasty,
alias the Wildcat.

''Drawing his revolver,
which he carries
for such emergencies,

he struck McNasty--''

[ Coughs ] You see, putting
things like that on motor cars
is what kills people.

- [ Honks ]
- Get outta there!

''For such emergencies--''

The Lompoc Picayune Intelligencer...

just got out a special edition
telling how l apprehended
them two crooks.

For heaven's sake, Egbert,
can't you see we're playin'
an interesting game?

There was an article in there
telling how l apprehended
a couple of crooks...

who stole $2 million
from Skinner's Lompoc Bank.

You would!
Skinner's Lompoc Bank!

Them's the shylocks
that's got the mortgage
on this house, ain't they?

They're haunting you
from morning till night,
the old pinchpennies!

Why don't you move--
l'm sorry they didn't
get away with the bank.

Leave it to him!
He would do
a thing like that!

Um, l think l'll go
up to my room for a moment.

They want me to come down
to the bank to get a reward,
or a job or something.

l'll go down in the morning.

Don't you smoke
up in your room.

Oh, no,
l won't, dear.

What am l doing?

Hello, Og.
Hello, honey.

That was a great stunt
your father pulled.
Huh?

Two crooks stole $25,OOO.
l never knew your father had
so much intestinal fortitude.

Are you kidding?
No!

Come on.
Let's talk about us, dear.

Your father took his pistol and hit
one of the fellows over the head.
He hasn't got a pistol.

The paper said your father
took a double-edged assegai
from one of the fellas.

A whats-agai?
An assegai, a sword.

Where did the newspapers
get the stoy?
From your father.

He admitted the whole thing
to the police.
Oh!

Let's talk about us,
Og.

Well, l get my bonus
pretty soon,

and l've already picked out
your engagement ring.

Oh. Ah, Oggie.

Ah! Oh, golly. Mmm.

Shucks.

l have an appointment
with Mr. Skinner,
president of the bank.

Step to one side,
please.
Yes. Thank you.

Thank you,
Miss Carroll.

l had an appointment
with Mr. Skinner, the--
Please, just one side.

Oh.

Here, sir.
There you are.

l, uh-- The president--
Please, will you
step to one side.

Just a moment.

Nice weather
we're having.
Yes, it is.

Yes.
Clever observation.

How have you been,
Mr. Penny?
Fine, thank you.

That's good.
That's vey interesting.

Uh, l--

Oh.

How do you do?
Oh, yeah.

How do you do?
Oh, how are you,
sir?

Well as can be expected
after that tussle l put up
with those two bandits.

Oh, yes.
Yeah, l went
to see the doctor,

and he says
as result of that scrap,
l'll probably have to have...

a kidney and my
gall bladder removed.
Tsk, tsk.

He said l also may need
an appendectomy.

l saw young Oggilby.
He told me to see the president.

Oh, yes. Will you
step aside, please.
Huh?

Just step to one side.

Ahh!
Thank you.

Good mornin', sir.
How are you?

l wanna draw my money
outta the bank.

- You're not gonna close your
account with us, are you?
- l sure is!

- Is there any particular reason?
- Yes, sir. l'm scared!

Evey time l come in here,
you got your hat on.

Look like you
gettin' ready to take off.
It keeps me nervous.

Oh, l just wear this hat
on account of
a little hay fever.

Excuse me.
That's all right.

l haven't any right
standing in front of the hole.

Where's his office?
Is he in?
Oh, no, oh--

Mr. Skinner's office
is right over there.
Yes, right over there.

Good morning,
Mr. Sousé.
Good morning.
Good morning.

Mr. Skinner's expecting you.
Is he? Thanks vey much.
l'll go right in.

We want to show our appreciation
of your gallanty and daring.
Thank you.

l wish to personally
give you a hearty handclasp.

Oh, thanks.
Hearty handclasp, yes.

And to present you with
the company's compliments...

one of our
1 940 calendars

made especially
for this bank,

entitled
''Spring in Lompoc.''

Oh! Doesn't look
unlike the Mona Lisa.

- Won't you be seated?
- Oh, thanks.

l've been in consultation with
our director and we've decided
that what's been needed...

in this bank for a long time
is a special officer.
Oh,yes.

Or to revert to the argot of
the underworld, a ''bank dick.''
Oh, yeah.

ln lieu of your heroism,
your valiant dauntless courage,

l have the honor
to offer you this position.
Oh, thank you.

The remuneration at first
will be small.

We're a growing concern.
We're young.
Yes, yes.

But there are many
chances for advancement.
Who knows?

Within a short time, you may
become my vice president.

Oh!
My first and only vice.

Very good, very--

What time in the morning?
The bank opens at 1 O:OO.

Oh. Well, that's all right.

lf l'm not here on time,
just go right ahead without me.
l'll catch up with ya.

And, oh, yes. We will deduct
a certain amount from
your salay each week...

Uh-oh.
to pay off the interest
of the mortgage on your home.

Yes, yes.
Otherwise it would
necessitate our foreclosing.

ln view of what has transpired,
that would cause us
heartfelt contrition.

Ah, you took the very words
right outta my mouth.

l'll see you here
Monday then,

and l'll bring my
detective disguises with me.

Oh.

Og. Listen, Og,

there's more to this
detective business
than meets the eye.

lt requires cunning
and resourcefulness,

and l have both.

l have a thousand disguises
at home.

l'll come in with one
of those disguises on.
If you recognize me,you go--

Like this?
Not up high. It's too blatant.
Go down there.

Just give me a little one,
like that.

lf you don't recognize me,
go, uh--

Well, if you don't recognize me,
you won't know what to do.

And you won't recognize me.

Now, l'll be in here later.

You gotta keep in practice
in this game.

You never know when
you're gonna...

have to use your gun.

l really have a reason
for a snort this morning.

After that bout l put up
with those two crooks

l'm still arm weary.

The president of the bank
called me in.
He says, ''Sousé.''

l says, ''Yes.''

He says,
''l want you down here
for our bank dick.

We've wanted a bank dick
fora long while.''

He says,
''ln your Christmas box...

will, in all probability,
be the vice presidency ofthis bank.''

[Ioe ]
What'll it be?

A depth bomb.

## [ Humming ]

Keep your hat off there.

## [ Whistling ]

Very tasty. l think
l'll have another one.

## [ Humming ]

Um, some fresh water.

And a towel, thankyou.

Never like to bathe
in the same water twice.

Neat little trick,
isn't it?

Pardon me.
l couldn't help overhearing
your conversation.

Oh, pardon me.
Pardon me.
It's quite all right.

Waterbuy's my name.
J. Frothingham Waterbuy.

Thank you.
Very glad to know you.
My name's Sousé.

How do you do, Mr. Sousé?
Accent the grave
over the ''e.''

Oh, so? l'm in the bond
and stock business.
Oh,yeah.

l have 5,OOO shares
of the Beefsteak Mines
in Leapfrog, Nevada...

that l want to
turn over to your bank.
Yeah?

l like this town.
l want to get some contacts,
and l think you're the man.

These shares are selling
for ten cents a share, and, uh--

[ Squealing ]

Ten cents cash?
That's okay.
Oh, that's terrible!

These shares are selling
for ten cents a share.
Yeah?

A telephone company once sold
for five cents a share!
Five cents!

These shares are
twice as expensive; therefore,
they'll be twice as valuable.

Sure they will.
Oh, no.
Naturally,
you're no dunce.

The telephone is now listed
at $1 .73, and you can't buy it.

$1 .73.
$3,460 for evey nickel
you put into it.

The point l'm trying
to make is this.

Huh?
The point l'm trying
to make is:

These shares sell for ten cents.
It's simple arithmetic.

If five'll get you ten,
ten'll get you twenty.
Sure.

Sixteen-cylinder cars.
A big home in the city,
balconies upstairs and down.

A home in the country,
big trees, private golf course,

stream running through
the rear of the estate.

Warm Sunday afternoon
fishing under the cool trees,

sipping ice-cold beer.

l can almost see the foam.
Yeah.

Ham and cheese on ye.
With mustard.

Yeah.
We have plenty of mustard
at the house. Yeah.

Then this guy comes up
the shady drive in an
armored car from the bank,

and he dumps a whole basket
of coupons worth hundreds
of thousands of dollars...

Yeah?
right in your lap.

And he says, ''Sign here, please,
on the dotted line.''

l'll have a fountain pen
by that time.
Yes.

Then he's off to
the soft chirping...

of our feathered friends
in the arboreal dell.
Oh.

That's what
these bonds mean!
They do, eh?

l'd rather part with my dear
grandmother's paisley shawl
or her wedding ring...

than to part with these bonds.
Yeah, it must be tough
to lose a paisley shawl.

Thank you.

Gosh! Oh,
pardon my language.

lt's all right.
l swear sometimes myself.
l feel like a dog.

But, it's now or never.
It must be done.

So take it or leave it.
l'll take it.

Fine! Fine. Fine.

Meet me down at the bank
in about an hour.
Why, certainly!

My card.
Oh, thanks.

Boy, l got you set for life.
l don't hang around that
Black Pussy Cafe for nothing.

l met a fellow
who's in trouble.

Something the matter
with his grandmother's
paisley shawl.

He has 5,OOO shares in
the Beefsteak Mine,

and you can buy them
for a handful of hay.

Hay? And they're worth--

Ten cents a share.
Telephone sold for
five cents a share.

How would you like
something better for
ten cents a share?

If five gets you ten,
ten'll get you twenty.

Beautiful home
in the county,
upstairs and down.

Beer flowing through
the estate over your
grandmother's paisley shawl.

Beer?
Beer!

fishing in the stream that
runs under the arboreal dell.

A man comes up from the bar,

dumps $3,500 in your lap
for evey nickel invested.

Says to you, ''Sign here
on the dotted line;'

and then disappears in
the waving fields of alfalfa.

Gosh! Do you think
he was telling the truth?

You don't think a man would
resort to taradiddle, do you?

Why, he sounded like a child
at the vey thought of
disposing of these shares.

How does the bank
make its money?

By investing.
That's the point.

You don't want
to work all your life.

Take a chance.
Take it while you're young.

My uncle,
a balloon ascensionist,

Effingham Hoffnagle,
took a chance.

He was three miles and a half
up in the air.

He jumped out of
the basket of the balloon...

and took a chance of
lighting on a load of hay.

Golly!
Did he make it?
H m m.

- Uh, no, he didn't.
- Oh.

Had he been a younger man,
he probably would have made it.

That's the point.
Don't wait too long in life.

l've never done
anything like this.

And another thing,
l haven't got the money.

Of course, my bonus comes due
in four days. That's $500.
l could buy 'em then.

Then with all that money,
l really might be worthy
of your daughter's hand.

Women really appreciate
the fine things in life.

You don't wanna die and leave
your wife and children paupers,
do you?
No.

Borrow the $500
from the bank.

You intend to pay it back
when your bonus comes due,
don't ya?

Oh, sure.
Surely!
Don't be a luddy-duddy.

Don't be a moon calf.

Don't be a jabbernowl.
You're not those, are you?
No.

l guess there's no way
you could confuse it
with stealing, is there?

Ha! Nothing could be
more absurd!

Well, all right.
Send him in.

He won't be here
till 11 :OO.

Got him! Back! Back!
Oh, what do you mean?

The idea!
Is that gun loaded?

Certainly not,
but l think you are.

Mommy, doesn't that man
have a funny nose?

You mustn't make fun
of the gentleman, Clifford.

You'd like to have a nose
like that full of nickels,
wouldn't you?

l'll throw him in
the wastepaper basket
next time he comes in here.

How do you do?
How do you do?

l'm the officer.
Can l help you?

l'd like to see
Mr. Skinner, please.

Yes, he'll be vey glad
to see you, l'm sure.

Very glad.

J. Pinkerton Snoopington,
bank examiner.

Is that right?
Yes.

He'll be very glad
to see you, but, um,

he's gone out to
the golf course on business...

and probably won't
be back till midnight.

If he does return,
where can he call you?

I'm stopping at the New Old
Lompoc House on the avenue.

Oh, New Old Lompoc House!
Yes, yes.

Frank Cridellhoffer,
the management.
l know him well.

You do?
If you need anything
during the night,

just mention my name.
Yes, l will.

That's fine, yes.

Got some bad news for ya.

Can you take it now,
or shall l hold it off
a little longer?

That was the bank examiner,
wasn't it?

You guessed it
the first time.
Ooh.

l knew this would happen.
l was a perfect idiot
to ever listen to you.

You listen to me, Og.

There's nothing in this
world that is perfect.

It'll be four days
before l get my bonus
and can replace that money.

Oh, was I a dope.
I've sacrificed eveything:

my job, my marriage
to your daughter.

Keep my daughter's name
out of this.

Don't you ever tell me again
l'm not a jabbernowl
and a moon cal_

Please get out of the office,
Mr. Sousé. This is terrible.

l reiterate, Ogilthorpe.
Leave eveything to me.

Don't wory about a thing.

Hello, hello.

Give me
the New Old Lompoc House.

Yeah, the New Old.

Charlie on the desk?

What's a six-letter word
meaning ''embezzlement''?
Prison.

[ Loud Knocking ]

[ Sighs ]
l'll bet that's Og.

Hmm, he's got her bettin'.
She never gambled
before she met him.

Ah, hello, Og.
Hello, dear.

Still workin' on your
crossword-puzzle book?
Uh-huh.

l'll tell you one
on Grandma. l asked
'em to give me...

a six-letter word
meaning ''embezzlement;'
and she said ''prison.''

lsn't that a hot one?

Huh?

She's right.
What's the matter
with you?

l've got something
to confess.

Our engagement is off.
Og, what are you saying?

Oh, well, it's only off
for a while, dear;

that is,
if you're willing to wait
until l get out of prison.

Og, don't scare me.
Oh, stop fooling.

What do you mean?
Oh, l don't know.
l can't think straight.

Your father brought a man
into the bank who sold me...

his old grandmother's
paisley shawl with a beer river
running through it.

l don't know
what it was!
Are you sick?

Let me feel your head.
Ooh, you've got a fever.

l don't know what l've got,
but your father got me to
take $500 from the bank...

and invest it in--
Og!

Shh. Not so loud.
l don't want your mother
or grandmother to hear this.

He got me to invest it in
telephone and telegraph
and electric light company.

No, it wasn't
telephone or telegraph.
It was a Beefsteak Mine.

A Beefsteak Mine!
Og, have you been drinking?

l'm going to tell my mother
that my father got you to drink
and steal money from the bank.

No, listen, dear.
l'm gonna tell my mother
right away...

that my father got you to
steal money from the bank
and invest it in a Beefsteak Mine.

Oh, now, Myrtle!

lt was nice of you
to call me.
Oh, not at all!

l knew you were a stranger.
l wanted to make
your stay happy.

l work for
the Chamber of Commerce
when l'm not on my regular--

Would you like
to weigh yourself?
Oh, no.

l know the manager here.
He'll let you weigh yourself
for nothing.

Um, Lompoc is noted
for its beautiful girls.

l imagine
you've noticed some.
Yes, l have.

l'm a married man
with a grown daughter
18 years ofage.

Oh, l'd like to meet her.

l'm very fond of children--
girl children around 18, 20.

l have a young daughter
of marriageable age,
also a small daughter;

nice wife and a mother-in-law
that loves me like her own son.

Would you like to give
the town a double ''O''?

A little constitutional
couldn't possibly hurt.
No.

Ha! The Black Pussy Cafe
and snack bar.

Hello, Fancy.
How would you like to go in
and have a little spot?

Mm-mm. No, no.
l never drink during
business hours, thank you.

Just a little spot,
and we'll find out how Gumlegs
came out at Del Mar today.

This, uh-- This place
isn't crowded, is it?

No! If it wasn't for me,
the place'd starve to death.

Well, l'll dawdle
for about ten minutes.
We'll dawdle together.

Oh, after you.
Thank you.

Nice little place here.
Psst, psst.

Could we find a
secluded spot where
we won't be observed?

Oh, surely. Sit down there.
Nobody will see you.

These are just a couple
of local beer guzzlers.

Could we pull
the shade?

You can pull anything
you want in here.
It's a regular joint.

l know Joe very well.
What's your pleasure?

Uh, Rye highball.
Rye highball.

Make it light.
Light? Fine.

Hi, Mr. Sousé.
What'll it be?

[ Egbert ]
l want two highballs.

One very light.
You can double up on mine.

Has Michael Finn
been in here today?

- No, but he will be.
-Mm-hmm.That's good.

How'd Gumlegs come out
in the fifth?
He ran sixth.

Oh, the dog!

You ever bet on the races?
No. l never wager.

You never wager.
It's not a bad idea.
It's a good system.

l bet on that Gumlegs once.

He won. But the jockey
got of fat the three-quarters...

and had to carry him
across the tape on his back.

He's a beetle.
The jockey was
a very insulting fellow.

He referred
to my proboscis...

as an adsatitious
excrescious.

l had to tweak his nose.

l was compelled to--
Oh, that's fine, thank you.

Well, no one's looking.

Down the hatch.
Down the--
[ Clears Throat ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Hiccups ]

l feel deathly ill.
Oh.

Well, fill 'em up again,
Joe.

No, no, please.
l've never had such
a feeling in all my life.

Probably it's something
you've eaten.
[ Hiccups ]

I haven't eaten anything.
There you are,
you haven't eaten.

Let's go over.
l'll get you some
nice chili con carne.

Or it may be
the altitude.

Come on.
Ooh!

My error. Don't
worry about a thing.
You're all right.

lt may be the altitude.
This town has an altitude
of 500 feet.

Population is 4,500.

Schools. Churches.
Public library.
[ Groans ]

Three blocks
of paved streets.

Two trains a day, not
counting the milk train
at 4:OO in the morning.

We have three drugstores.
One actually sells medicine.
Stop.

Stop, l'm dying.
Could you direct me
to a culvert?

Why don't you wait till
you get to the hotel?
It's only six blocks.

We pass the Spanish
Americo Chili Parlor
on the way up.

[ Hiccups ]

Maybe you've eaten
an oyster in a month
that had an ''R'' in it.

Don't let these people know.
It's a vey respectable place.

That's all right.
That's all right.

Come on, come on.
Equilibrium's the thing.

lf your friend is drunk,
don't bring him
into this hotel.

He's already
registered here.
J. Pinkerton Snoopington.

Little case of
ptomaine poisoning.

Well, get him out of sight
as quickly as possible.
Something he ate.

He's in room 5.
Room 5.
Come on, old boy.

This won't last forever.
Come on. Look out!
Look out.

That's it.
Now, you're all right.

You'll be fine
or l'll fix it so you will be...

in due time.
l shall make it
my business to see...

that the Lompoc Ladies
Auxiliary will be informed.

l thought this
was a family hotel.
Yes, indeed it is.

Uh, uh, Mr. Snoopington
has a touch of ptomaine.

Hmm. Didn't smell
like ptomaine.

[ Gasps ]
Well!

Drat, drat,
drat, drat.

Come on!
Here you are.

Okay, okay!
What are you trying to do?

Fill this hotel full
of delirium tremens?
We've a reputation uphold!

This is the same man,
just fell out the window.

Friend of mine caught him
on the first bounce.
Oh, yeah?

Face up.
l'll see that he
doesn't bounce again.

Come now, Mr. Snoopington.
Come, let's pull
ourselves together now.

Here we go.
Up, up, up.

Oh, yes,
he's blotto.

lsn't he--
Oh!

[ Operator ]
When you hear the tone, it will be
22 and one half minutes till 7:OO.

Listen, l'm calling Dr. Stall,
and as a matter of fact,

when l hear the tone,
it'll be 22 and one half minutes till 6:OO.

Give me Dr. Stall.
l'll give you
information please.

l don't want information please
or Professor Quiz
or calling all cars.

l want Dr. Stall.
Louder, please.

''Louder, please.''
If l spoke any louder,
l wouldn't need a telephone.

Gimme Dr. Stall.

[ Loud Crunching ]

[ Ringing ]

Hello.

Just a moment,
please.

The first thing you've
got to do is cut out
all health foods.

That'll be $1O.OO.
The nurse will return your
clothes with the receipt.

Hello.

This is Sousé speaking,
Doc. How are you?

l'm here at
the New Old Lompoc House.

There's a bank examiner
in town, an old friend
of the family's.

He's evidently
been on a bender.
He's full of nose paint.

[ Groaning ]
[ Knocking ]

Hello, Snoopy, old boy!
How do you feel?

Oh, l feel as though
l've been poisoned.
[ Laughing ]

You look the picture
of health!

Oh, oh!

Shame. Agony.

My poor wife.

Little Doret.

I forgot to telephone them
Last night.

Why don't you let me
get you something to eat?

How'd you like some
breaded veal cutlet
with tomato sauce?

A chocolate eclair
with whip cream?

Poor fella hasn't had
anything to eat.

[ Knocking ]
Oh.

Guess that's the doctor.

Hello, Doc.
How are ya?

How's business?
Oh, fair, fair.

l don't suppose
we'll ever get another
whooping-cough epidemic again.

No, l don't suppose
we will.

Ah, this is the eminent,
uh, Dr. Stall--

diagnostician, our town's
leading physician.

What's the name?
J. Pinkerton Snoopington.

Business?
Bank examiner.

Bank examiner?
Quite a lucrative occupation.
Yes.

Do you mind, uh,
showing me your tongue?

You must eat more solids;
meats and sauces.

You need iron;
liver and bacon.

You lack vitamins
''A'',''B'' and ''C.''

Skip the rest down to ''X'' and ''Y.''
If''Z'' is necessay,
we'll give you that later.

What you need
most of all is rest.

Rest will do more for you
than all the doctors
in the world.

No exercise!
No.

Now, you take
two of these...

in a glass of castor oil
for two nights running,
then you skip one night.

But l thought you said l
wasn't to take any exercise.
You take me too literally.

What l should say is,

you take two for
two nights consecutively,

and then you, uh--
Refrain from taking them
one night.

Yes.

That's absolutely true
and they're tasteless.
Good with goulash.

[Dr. Stall]
With the proper rest,
l'll get you out of here in three days.

Yes, sir, l'll get
you out in three days.

Three more days
and you'll be outta here.
Four!

Careful waving that cane.
You might hit something.

Yeah, l might hit
that globe up there.

That'll be just one day
before the boys at the
bank get their bonus.

Yes, sir, I'll have you out
in three days--

unless, of course,
complications set in.
Oh, yes.

That'll naturally take
an extra day.
Yes!

Leave everything
to me.

l'll do the worrying.
Be happy and gay!

l'll have the management
send you up a radio.

Come on, Doc.
We better be going.

Toodle-oo!

Gonna have the missus bake
you a nice coconut custard pie
with savaloi pudding.

[ Hiccups ]

You haven't a thing
to worry about.

I've got Snoopington down
at the New Old Lompoc House.
He's still in bed.

Oh, much obliged. l gotta
put on my work clothes now.

Okay, go ahead.

Uh, what do you mean?

Ha, yeah.
l thought l lost it.

How-dee-do,
Mr. Skinner?

Mr. Sousé, we appreciate
the capture you made...

and the manhandling
you gave those criminals.

Oh, nothing at all!
Nothing really.

They were a couple
of tough fellows.

One of them pulled
a knife on me.

Pulled a knife that
was really-- It was--

It was about that--

It was about that long.
It was really an assegai.

Doesn't anyone ever pull
a short knife on you,
Mr. Sousé?

A little one...
about that long?

Oh, yes!
Yes, yes.

Major Moe one time,
a little colored midget,
pulled one on me.

It was just about that long.
Wasn't really a knife,
it was a razor.

We're grateful to you for
retrieving the bank's funds.

Oh, that was in
the line of duty.

And we feel we've shown
our gratitude by giving you
a position as bank's officer.

But when you caution
Mrs. Muckle's little son...

about carrying a toy pistol
into the bank,
that's going too far.

l cannot impress upon you
too firmly,

the Skinner Bank is
a dignified institution.

Yeah, that's the way
l always figured it.

l guess you figured it
the same way, working here
the same as l do.

Furthermore, l've been informed
that you are a frequenter...

of a café known
as the Black Pussy.

Oh, yes.
Say, that reminds me.

One of the customers
gave it to me last night.
Thank you.

By the way,

accept this
silver-plated napkin ring
with my compliments.

l won it over at
the bowling alley last night.
Thanks.

- You're welcome.
-Why, Mr. Snoopington!

Aaah!
[ Muttering ]

l beg your pardon.

lt's an unexpected pleasure
to see you in Lompoc.
It's no pleasure for me.

l'm a very sick man.
But l'm also a man for duty.

lf you don't mind, l'd like
to look over your books.

[ Buzzer ]
Aaah!

[ Skinner ]
Of course we don't mind. This bank
is always ready for an audit, yes, sirree.

Mr. Sousé, our special officer,
will give you evey
assistance you wish.

- [ Knocking ]
- Come in.

Not feeling well,
Mr. Snoopington?
No, l'm not feeling very fit.

Well, l'll leave you
to Mr. Sousé.

And rest assured
you are in proper hands.

Thank you.

Are you, um--

Are you still suffering
from that slight nausea
you had yesterday?

Yes, l haven't quite
gotten over it yet.
Well, listen,

l don't want to be
a crepe hanger,

but in your weakened condition,
you're subject to
all sorts of maladies.

Now, l want to tell you
something very confidentially.
Yes?

l know positively that
our good friend Dr. Stall...

has treated this boy who thumbs
the pages of these books...

for Malta fever, beriberi

and that dreaded of all diseases
mogo on the ga-go-go.

Mr. Sousé, if duty called,

l would go into
the tsetse fly country of Africa
and brave sleeping sickness...

if there were books
to be examined.
Hmm.

This way?
Uh, yeah.

Would you like
to examine the books
of the Black Pussy Cafe?

Thank you.

[ Groans ]

What you need to get is
a description of that place.

Okay.

[ Groaning ]
Og, what's
the matter?

Exactly what l suspected!

What?
The old mogo
on the ga-go-go.

Og?
Whiskey!

Whiskey? Look out!
l'll get it!

Whiskey.
What's the matter?
Speak to me!

What happened to him?
l don't know.

Help me lift him up.
Just wet his lips.

Okay.

Here you are.

[ Hiccups ]

Uh--

Ooh!
Something in the clamp?

Oh, that's a good question.

Ah, unfortunately you
must've had your hand in there.

That'll interfere with
your writing, won't it?

It won't interfere with
my writing. Fortunately,
l'm left-handed.

Oh, that's unfort--
Oh, yeah.

Get him a glass of water,
will you, Scotty?
Feel better?

Psst!

Mr. Sousé.

Did l see that
bank examiner here?

Why, l don't imagine so.

With my introspective eye
as a detective,

l would naturally
have seen him--

Ah,just as l thought:
recurring fever.

l'm sorry to appear
overzealous,

but these books
have got to be examined.

Let me help you,
Mr. Snoopington.
Oh, thank you.

Here you are, sir.
Oh, l'm sorry, sir.

That's all right.
l can't see a thing
without my glasses.

Here you are, sir.
Thank you.

- l'll be right over here if you need me, sir.
- All right.

If I can be of--

Oh, sorry.
And l try to be so helpful.

Well-- Oh.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.

l hope that won't intefere
with your auditing the books.

lt certainly will not!

Oh, that's good,
that's good.

It couldn't be possible that
Mr. Sousé is trying to keep me
from examining the books.

There, you see?

Mr. Sousé, l've done
Mr. Oggilby a great wrong.

And I'm here to recti_
that wrong.

I was hoodwinked
into believing that
those bonds were 1OOM.

l've never been guilty of
a dishonest act in my life.

So I'll take those bonds
off his hands if I have to
pay for them with my blood.

Transfusion?
Anything.

There you are. The man
is willing to buy the bonds
back with his own blood.

l don't want blood.
l want money. Let him
give me back the $500.

The boy needs money.
He doesn't want blood.

He's got high
blood pressure already.

Give him what he paid
for the bonds in cash.

I'm the saddest man
in the world.

You may be the second saddest,
but he's the saddest.

l'm prepared to pay you
$350 cash.

l'll pay the rest
in weekly installments
of $25 per week.

I'll even give you my
favorite aunt's wedding ring
as security.

l want to prove that l am
honest in the worst way.

The worst way.

Thanks. l was a fool to listen
to Mr. Sousé in the first place.
In the second place too.

Paper, mister?
How'd Gumlegs come out
in the fourth today?

l don't know.
Let me see your paper.

A bonanza! Bee_teak Mine.

Godfrey Daniel!

Oh! What are you doing?
Just as l was getting
some of my money back!

You read this paper.
You're a millionaire!

Go away, Mr. Sousé.
Look at that window.

Read that paper.

Oh! Now l can put
the money back without
waiting for my bonus.

Mr. Snoopington's no longer
a nightmare. Bring him in here!
l'll kill him!

Calm yourself. Oggilby,
my boy. Calm yourself.

Golly.
Oh, Mr. Sousé!
Cut it out.

Oh, Mr. Sousé,
l don't need all this money.
l don't deserve it.

You engineered the whole thing.
You're a financial wizard.

l'm gonna split with ya.
l'll give you half of'em.
Thank you, Og.

Wait.
l'll follow ya.

Anything l can do
for you?
You sure can, brother.

Turn around.
Now start walking toward
the cashier's cage and keep quiet.

Ooh! That tickles.

[ Crook ]
You remember me,
don't you?

Ah, you remember
the gentleman, Og?

Yes, sir.
That's the man that
held me up the last time.

Ah, mind your, uh--
mind your language, Og.

Here. Hate for you
to be the fall guy,
but fill that up.

Do what the gentleman
tells you to, Og, quickly.
Yes, sir.

Don't-- Oh, don't--
Shut up.

This is my
Beefsteak stock.
fill that up.

[ Egbert ]
Do what the gentleman
tells you to, Og.

Thanks.

Do you mind accompanying
me to the door?
Not at all, no.

How-dee-do,
Mrs. Chiselbottom?

Keep your foot off the alarm,
or l'll come back and plug you.
Are you still there?

Hello, Mr. Sousé.
Making more movies?

Sousé, huh? Get in
that car and start driving.
We're goin' for a ride.

Reach for the sky
and back up there.

[Alarm Ringing ]

Oggilby, you're arousing the bank.

You have the alarm on.
What's the matter?

Like to see some of
the places of interest in town?
No, keep driving.

There's the Black Pussy Cafe.
Be careful!

Help!
We've been robbed!

Johnson, get on that phone
and get the police.
There's been a robbey here.

Help!
Police!

He took Mr. Sousé?
He certainly did,
right from under my contract.

l've just called
the police.

Follow that gray car.
Come on, come on!

Hold up! Bank robbers
up that way.

Don't let that car
out of your sight.
Hurry. That police car.

These are
catalpa trees.
Step on that gas.

Keep moving!
l'm stepping on it.
[ Muttering ]

Mr. Sousé's liable to get hurt.
And me with $1O,OOO
in the briefcase for him.

For Sousé? What for?
For a stoy he told me
while he was directing.

l sent it in with the day's report,
and the boss went nuts about it.

He wants it
and Sousé too.

There goes the helmet.

- [ Gunshot ]
- Come back here, you.

There's more catalpa--
l'm sorry.

Never mind about those trees.
Keep stepping on the gas.

You know who's in
that car with Sousé?
No, who?

Repulsive Rogan.
There's a $5,OOO
dead-or-alive reward on him.

Stay awake!
Be careful, driver.

Hey!
Magic carpet.

Wipe off that
windshield, you.
Here.

You wipe it off.
l'm driving.

Lake Shoshobogomo is right
over the top of this mountain.

Get out and push!

What do you think this is,
a kiddie car?

Can't push
a hulking truck like this.

Start pushing.

Seems to be a great deal
of traffic here for a county road,
don't you think?

Keep going.
Yeah.

Hiya, toots!

Look out!

The resale value of this car
is gonna be nil after
you get over this trip.

You're goin' too fast!
Slow down.

Foot brake's gone.
Where's your emergency?

Here it is,
but it won't do you any good
in that backseat.

Gimme that wheel.
Here, grab it!

Put it on there!
We're gonna have an accident
if you're not careful.

You're gonna have
a real accident in a minute!

The wheel is comin' off

That's what l thought.
Going to be very dangerous.

l'm gonna jump.
Huh?

Have to take the boat
from here on anyway.

Looking for someone?

You better stop by
the station and see about
that $5,OOO reward, Mr. Sousé.

This sure is your
lucky day, Mr. Sousé.

Here's a check for $1O,OOO
from the Tel-Aviz Company
for that story you told us,

as well as a contract
for you to bring it
to the screen.

Looks like it's all here, Mr. Skinner,
including the Beefsteak Mine.

l don't know whether it is or not,
but allow me to give you
another hearty handclasp.

Judkins, has Mr. Sousé
had his café rum a la papa?

Yes, ma'am.
Thank you, dear.
l've had a double noggin.

What time is it, Daddykins?

lt's one minute till 9:OO.

l gotta get down to the sal--
the, uh, office.

Good-bye, Daddy dear.

Good-bye, dear.
Gimme a kiss.

l'll give you two of'em.
Good bye, paternoster.

Good-bye, dear.
Take care of yourself.

l shall, dear.
Good-bye, my darling.

Hurry home if you feel like it.
l'll be waiting up as usual.

Oh, thank you, dear.
l'll be home early.

Hey, that doesn't look bad,
does it?

l think, sir, this is
the more appropriate.

Yeah, that's nice
and cool though. Thanks.

Thank you.

Good-bye.

Thanks.

Thank you.

What a changed man.

You deserve a lot
of credit, Agatha.
Hasn't been easy.

## [Joe Whistling ]

Uh, say! Hey!