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1
00:00:01,392 --> 00:00:02,828
- Tacoma Fire Department.
Anybody in here?
2
00:00:02,915 --> 00:00:04,352
[intense music]
3
00:00:04,439 --> 00:00:06,919
Hello?
Who's in here?
4
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,443
- What in the hell is this?
5
00:00:08,530 --> 00:00:10,053
- I don't know.
I can't see anything.
6
00:00:10,140 --> 00:00:11,098
[siren blares,
upbeat dance music plays]
7
00:00:11,185 --> 00:00:12,360
- I hope you bitches brought
8
00:00:12,447 --> 00:00:14,057
more Jell-O shots.
9
00:00:14,144 --> 00:00:15,450
[laughter, cheering]
10
00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:16,886
- Ma'am, what's the smoke from?
11
00:00:16,973 --> 00:00:18,627
- I think found the culprit.
12
00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:20,324
These penis cookies were left
in the oven too long.
13
00:00:20,411 --> 00:00:22,935
- There's no such thing
as too long.
14
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,112
[laughter and cheering]
15
00:00:25,199 --> 00:00:26,504
- All right,
let's air this place out.
16
00:00:26,591 --> 00:00:28,898
- I got this one, Cap.
17
00:00:28,985 --> 00:00:30,508
- Okay.
- Hello.
18
00:00:30,595 --> 00:00:32,554
Are you my stripper?
19
00:00:32,641 --> 00:00:34,599
- I prefer the term
"exotic dancer."
20
00:00:34,686 --> 00:00:35,948
- Hey, Ike,
I think she thinks--
21
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,603
- Start dancing exotically.
22
00:00:38,690 --> 00:00:40,736
[laughter and screaming]
23
00:00:40,823 --> 00:00:42,346
- I am on the job right now.
24
00:00:42,433 --> 00:00:45,610
- You're here for a job.
A very hot job.
25
00:00:45,697 --> 00:00:47,134
[laughter and screaming]
26
00:00:47,221 --> 00:00:48,787
- I tell ya,
not only is this job hot,
27
00:00:48,874 --> 00:00:51,486
it is scorching at times.
28
00:00:51,573 --> 00:00:52,791
[all screaming]
Yeah, I know.
29
00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:54,228
- What are the rules?
30
00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:56,404
Do we get a little peek
of the equipment?
31
00:00:56,491 --> 00:00:57,883
[laughs]
[all screaming]
32
00:00:57,970 --> 00:00:59,624
- Well, all right.
I'll tell you what.
33
00:00:59,711 --> 00:01:00,886
You can play with the hose.
34
00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:02,279
[all cheering and screaming]
35
00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:03,759
You can all play with the hose!
Why not?
36
00:01:03,846 --> 00:01:04,890
[all screaming]
37
00:01:04,977 --> 00:01:06,675
Oh, whoa, whoa!
38
00:01:06,762 --> 00:01:08,938
- Ike, they think you're here
to strip for 'em, now.
39
00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:10,548
[laughter]
40
00:01:10,635 --> 00:01:12,159
- [laughs]
41
00:01:12,246 --> 00:01:14,030
Yeah, I know!
Hello?
42
00:01:14,117 --> 00:01:15,162
I was kidding!
43
00:01:15,249 --> 00:01:16,685
God, take a joke, guys!
44
00:01:16,772 --> 00:01:17,903
I'm not an idiot, okay?
45
00:01:17,990 --> 00:01:19,644
Oh, great.
46
00:01:19,731 --> 00:01:21,255
You know what, officer?
It's fine.
47
00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:23,126
It was a misunderstanding.
No need to press charges.
48
00:01:23,213 --> 00:01:24,606
[all cheering]
49
00:01:24,693 --> 00:01:29,132
[laughter]
50
00:01:29,219 --> 00:01:30,220
All right, guys,
let's roll out.
51
00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:31,569
Let's roll out.
52
00:01:31,656 --> 00:01:33,441
- Hey, congrats again.
53
00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:36,444
[rock music]
54
00:01:36,531 --> 00:01:41,405
♪ ♪
55
00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:42,928
- ♪ The fire's out ♪
56
00:01:43,015 --> 00:01:46,018
♪ Now you wanna be ♪
57
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:49,239
♪ Where the laughs are free ♪
58
00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:55,767
- Check it out.
59
00:01:55,854 --> 00:01:57,987
Got my results
from that DNA ancestry company.
60
00:01:58,074 --> 00:01:59,293
- 22 and You.
61
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:00,511
I've actually been meaning
to do that.
62
00:02:00,598 --> 00:02:01,686
- You'll never believe this.
63
00:02:01,773 --> 00:02:02,861
I'm 12% Jewish.
- What?
64
00:02:02,948 --> 00:02:04,254
- Really?
- Get out of here.
65
00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:05,908
- This is going to change
everything.
66
00:02:05,995 --> 00:02:07,692
- We should all take
these DNA tests.
67
00:02:07,779 --> 00:02:08,780
I've been telling women
for years
68
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:09,912
I'm related to Joe Pesci.
69
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:10,956
It's time I finally got proof.
70
00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:11,957
[laughter]
71
00:02:12,044 --> 00:02:13,394
- Hey, you know what?
72
00:02:13,481 --> 00:02:14,960
I got some extra swabs.
You all wanna do it?
73
00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:16,484
- I'll try it.
- Yep.
74
00:02:16,571 --> 00:02:18,007
- Oh, that'd be awesome.
- We got one for you.
75
00:02:18,094 --> 00:02:19,530
- Thank you.
- One for you, one for you.
76
00:02:19,617 --> 00:02:20,879
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ike.
- No, no, no, no, no!
77
00:02:20,966 --> 00:02:22,098
- Not like that, man.
[laughter]
78
00:02:22,185 --> 00:02:23,926
- It's up here. Up here.
- I know.
79
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:25,232
Why do you guys always take me
so seriously all the time?
80
00:02:25,319 --> 00:02:26,711
- Try this one.
81
00:02:26,798 --> 00:02:28,278
- I was kidding.
- I know you were.
82
00:02:28,365 --> 00:02:30,802
- I know how to do it.
- Yeah.
83
00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:32,587
- Great, yeah.
- Put it in there. Put it in.
84
00:02:32,674 --> 00:02:36,460
Get that to the lab, stat.
- Okay.
85
00:02:36,547 --> 00:02:38,636
- Hey, guys, I think us
laughing at Ike all the time
86
00:02:38,723 --> 00:02:40,029
makes him feel dumb,
87
00:02:40,116 --> 00:02:41,552
like with
the bachelorette party.
88
00:02:41,639 --> 00:02:42,945
- He's not dumb.
89
00:02:43,032 --> 00:02:44,686
He just sometimes says
dumb things.
90
00:02:44,773 --> 00:02:46,296
- You know what, next time
he says something dumb,
91
00:02:46,383 --> 00:02:47,819
I'm gonna say something dumber,
you know,
92
00:02:47,906 --> 00:02:48,907
just to take the heat off.
93
00:02:48,994 --> 00:02:50,474
- Ah, you better not do that
94
00:02:50,561 --> 00:02:51,780
'cause then people will think
you're dumb.
95
00:02:51,867 --> 00:02:52,998
- Me?
Nah.
96
00:02:53,085 --> 00:02:54,261
- Hey, Cap, you wanna go see
97
00:02:54,348 --> 00:02:55,610
if Chief wants to inspect
his genes?
98
00:02:55,697 --> 00:02:56,698
- I've already inspected
his jeans.
99
00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:57,960
They are consistently saggy
100
00:02:58,047 --> 00:02:59,091
and halfway down his ass.
101
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,658
- Oh!
- [laughs]
102
00:03:00,745 --> 00:03:02,573
That little tuchus reminds me
of two matzo balls.
103
00:03:02,660 --> 00:03:04,532
[laughs]
- Very funny, guys.
104
00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,580
- Hey. What's up, guys?
- What's with the tweed?
105
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:11,278
Trying on a new character
for the strip joint?
106
00:03:11,365 --> 00:03:12,975
[laughs]
Professor Pecs.
107
00:03:13,062 --> 00:03:14,237
[both laugh]
108
00:03:14,324 --> 00:03:16,021
I like it.
- Hey.
109
00:03:16,108 --> 00:03:17,458
Cool turtleneck, dude.
- Thanks, man.
110
00:03:17,545 --> 00:03:18,807
- Looks like the one
I just got my mom.
111
00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:20,374
- Hey, I wanted to tell you
112
00:03:20,461 --> 00:03:22,114
I had this crazy dream
about you last night
113
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,769
and I feel like I just need
to, like, process it, you know?
114
00:03:24,856 --> 00:03:25,988
- Okay.
Yeah, sure.
115
00:03:26,075 --> 00:03:27,032
- Like, we were hanging out,
116
00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:28,338
eating cheeseburgers together.
117
00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:29,905
- Oh, well, I am flattered.
[laughs]
118
00:03:29,992 --> 00:03:31,167
- You noticed that I had
some, like, mustard
119
00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:32,429
at the corner of my mouth.
120
00:03:32,516 --> 00:03:33,430
- Uh-oh.
- You know what I mean?
121
00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:34,779
- Yeah.
122
00:03:34,866 --> 00:03:36,433
- You, like, reached out
to wipe it off,
123
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,088
but the way you did it was,
like, super, like, tender.
124
00:03:39,175 --> 00:03:41,743
Then, you came over and you sat
on my lap for some reason
125
00:03:41,830 --> 00:03:45,007
and I was like, "Ooh, I think
I know where this is going."
126
00:03:45,094 --> 00:03:47,009
- Okay, I'm gonna stop you
right there.
127
00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:49,881
I'm feeling very uncomfortable
in the workplace right now.
128
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,361
- I think the only way
to get over this
129
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:52,841
is if we just hug it out.
130
00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:54,408
- I don't think that's the way.
- Kay?
131
00:03:54,495 --> 00:03:55,757
Come here.
132
00:03:55,844 --> 00:03:57,367
Come here.
- What are you doing?
133
00:03:57,454 --> 00:03:58,629
- Come on.
We basically share a bed, bro.
134
00:03:58,716 --> 00:03:59,717
- Wait, wait, wait!
- [laughs]
135
00:03:59,804 --> 00:04:01,153
- What are you--wait--Mike!
136
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,590
- [laughs]
- You son of a bitch!
137
00:04:02,677 --> 00:04:04,505
- Ike has a twin?
- Took you forever!
138
00:04:04,592 --> 00:04:06,115
- Holy shit.
139
00:04:06,202 --> 00:04:07,551
- Should've seen the look
on your face, Myawani.
140
00:04:07,638 --> 00:04:09,640
[both groan]
You're such an idiot.
141
00:04:09,727 --> 00:04:11,338
- Lucy, that's my brother Mike.
142
00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:12,904
Mike's a professor
up at Seattle State.
143
00:04:12,991 --> 00:04:14,428
- That's the last time
I'm gonna fall
144
00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:15,733
for that whole
sexual harassment routine.
145
00:04:15,820 --> 00:04:17,300
- [laughs mockingly]
Is it, Andy?
146
00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:19,041
I don't think so.
- That's not even my laugh.
147
00:04:19,128 --> 00:04:20,172
- 'Sup, Ikey?
How are you?
148
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:21,913
- Hey, Mike.
You're here.
149
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,263
- You guys not gonna hug?
150
00:04:23,350 --> 00:04:24,699
- Nah.
We're not really huggers.
151
00:04:24,786 --> 00:04:26,440
- Yeah, these guys don't even
shake hands.
152
00:04:26,527 --> 00:04:28,746
- We like to stay inside
our own quadrants, you know?
153
00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:30,487
Isn't that right, Ike?
- Yeah. [laughs]
154
00:04:30,574 --> 00:04:32,272
- We have quadrants
and we just stick to them.
155
00:04:32,359 --> 00:04:34,230
- Seems kinda like a cop-out,
but whatever.
156
00:04:34,317 --> 00:04:35,710
- Oh, man!
It's so good to see you.
157
00:04:35,797 --> 00:04:36,972
What have you been up to?
- Not much.
158
00:04:37,059 --> 00:04:38,495
Just published a paper
159
00:04:38,582 --> 00:04:40,062
on the moral significance
of conscience.
160
00:04:40,149 --> 00:04:42,369
It's, uh--
don't worry about it.
161
00:04:42,456 --> 00:04:44,588
- That sounds cool.
I've been pretty busy too.
162
00:04:44,675 --> 00:04:46,547
I just debuted
a new dance routine
163
00:04:46,634 --> 00:04:48,113
set to "Wet the Bed"
by Ludacris.
164
00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,594
It's like--
it's pretty tricky.
165
00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:52,509
- That's great.
You're a real artiste.
166
00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:55,033
- Mike, you know
I don't speak French.
167
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:56,644
- Yeah, Mike.
168
00:04:56,731 --> 00:04:58,472
It's actually pronounced
"artist-eh."
169
00:04:58,559 --> 00:04:59,647
- Are you being serious
right now?
170
00:04:59,734 --> 00:05:01,257
- [laughs]
Yeah, come on.
171
00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:02,954
I mean, it happens, Andy.
172
00:05:03,041 --> 00:05:04,478
- Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
173
00:05:04,565 --> 00:05:06,262
- Ikey, uh,
174
00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:07,829
can I talk to you in private
for a second, pal?
175
00:05:07,916 --> 00:05:09,396
- Yeah, of course.
Sorry, guys.
176
00:05:09,483 --> 00:05:10,962
Yeah, we can--
177
00:05:11,049 --> 00:05:14,314
- Did you see how far
up my butt his hand was?
178
00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:15,402
♪ ♪
179
00:05:15,489 --> 00:05:16,533
- All right, now, you gotta
180
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:17,926
get around good in there, man.
181
00:05:18,013 --> 00:05:19,275
You get all the DNA
on that swab.
182
00:05:19,362 --> 00:05:20,711
- Man, I would hate to be
that swab.
183
00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:22,409
That poor little swab woke up
this morning
184
00:05:22,496 --> 00:05:23,932
and was like,
"It's gonna be a good day."
185
00:05:24,019 --> 00:05:25,455
- I'm warning you,
this thing might come back
186
00:05:25,542 --> 00:05:26,630
with high levels of pastrami.
187
00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:28,023
[both laugh]
188
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:28,980
- Guys, how did I not know
189
00:05:29,067 --> 00:05:30,286
that Ike has a twin?
190
00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:31,722
- Oh, no.
Mike is here?
191
00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:33,420
That guy is such a tool.
192
00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:34,682
- Yeah, and he put his finger
in my butt again.
193
00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:36,336
- Blech.
- It's weird.
194
00:05:36,423 --> 00:05:37,989
They're identical but they seem
so different.
195
00:05:38,076 --> 00:05:40,122
I mean, clearly,
Mike is super switched on
196
00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:43,081
and Ike is--well, you know.
- Hey.
197
00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:44,692
- It's not surprising
when you know the science.
198
00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:46,302
When they were infants,
199
00:05:46,389 --> 00:05:48,391
Mike obviously gravitated
toward the smart teat,
200
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:51,133
whereas Ike was relegated
to the dumb teat.
201
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,004
It was up to their mother
to rotate the breasts,
202
00:05:53,091 --> 00:05:54,963
but she obviously fell down
on the job.
203
00:05:55,050 --> 00:05:56,312
- Are we really doing this
again?
204
00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:58,053
That is not how biology works.
205
00:05:58,140 --> 00:05:59,924
- I wouldn't expect you
to understand this, pumpkin.
206
00:06:00,011 --> 00:06:01,535
No offense, but you favored
the dumb teat too.
207
00:06:01,622 --> 00:06:03,232
- Oh!
- Damn!
208
00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,408
- No, I didn't.
- I feel bad for Ike.
209
00:06:05,495 --> 00:06:06,801
He was already feeling insecure
210
00:06:06,888 --> 00:06:08,368
and then his asshole brother
shows up.
211
00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:10,065
- That guy always treats Ike
like crap.
212
00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:11,240
- How so?
213
00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:12,328
[siren wailing]
- Oof.
214
00:06:12,415 --> 00:06:14,112
75 in a school zone, huh?
215
00:06:14,199 --> 00:06:16,027
You're gonna wanna see my ID,
I suppose?
216
00:06:16,114 --> 00:06:17,289
Name's Ike Crystal.
217
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:19,030
[goofy voice]
I'm a fireman.
218
00:06:19,117 --> 00:06:21,293
- You're too sick
to go to my sister's wedding.
219
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:22,991
- I'm sorry.
220
00:06:23,078 --> 00:06:24,819
- You weren't too sick
last night for a booty call.
221
00:06:24,906 --> 00:06:26,211
I let you do butt stuff!
222
00:06:26,298 --> 00:06:27,691
- No, you--you didn't.
223
00:06:27,778 --> 00:06:29,214
What--
- Ike!
224
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:30,607
She gone?
- Yeah.
225
00:06:30,694 --> 00:06:33,131
- She is a beast in the sack,
bro.
226
00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:35,177
[hard rock music]
227
00:06:35,264 --> 00:06:36,613
Hey, frosted tips.
You want a spot?
228
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,354
- No.
229
00:06:38,441 --> 00:06:39,964
- [grunts]
- Mike, don't!
230
00:06:40,051 --> 00:06:42,097
- Did you feed Patches?
- Don't! I can't lift it!
231
00:06:42,184 --> 00:06:44,708
Come on, Mike!
- Feed the cats!
232
00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:49,321
- Don't, don't, don't!
233
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,019
Open it!
- Aw, it's locked.
234
00:06:51,106 --> 00:06:52,890
Don't you dare.
You know I feel it too, Ike.
235
00:06:52,977 --> 00:06:54,414
- Open it then.
- Don't.
236
00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:55,676
Don't punch yourself
in the nuts.
237
00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:57,199
- [groans]
- [laughs]
238
00:06:57,286 --> 00:06:59,070
You're such an idiot.
239
00:06:59,157 --> 00:07:00,507
- And the worst part?
240
00:07:00,594 --> 00:07:01,638
Ike is the only one
who doesn't see
241
00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:02,770
what a dick his brother is.
242
00:07:02,857 --> 00:07:04,206
- Why is Mike such a dick?
243
00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:05,816
- Mean teat, nice teat?
244
00:07:05,903 --> 00:07:07,339
- [scoffs]
- Mm, I don't think so.
245
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,646
- Regardless, he always has
a sketchy angle,
246
00:07:09,733 --> 00:07:11,082
so we should watch out for Ike.
247
00:07:11,169 --> 00:07:12,344
- Good point.
248
00:07:12,432 --> 00:07:13,302
All right, back to work,
everybody.
249
00:07:13,389 --> 00:07:14,477
Let's go.
250
00:07:14,564 --> 00:07:15,565
- [speaking gibberish]
251
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:18,438
- [speaking gibberish]
252
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:21,745
- [speaking gibberish]
253
00:07:21,832 --> 00:07:23,486
[both laugh]
- I don't know.
254
00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:25,357
Tweaky, I guess?
- [laughs]
255
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,360
- It's so cool we still know
our own twin language.
256
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,405
- Look at us, huh?
257
00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:30,798
Both took different paths,
258
00:07:30,885 --> 00:07:32,930
but both very successful
in our own fields.
259
00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:35,237
- That is true.
- You're doing great, man.
260
00:07:35,324 --> 00:07:37,457
I mean, you're not married
or tenured like I am,
261
00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:41,330
but you got a shared bunk,
decent pension I'm assuming,
262
00:07:41,417 --> 00:07:43,375
and your landlord lets you
pay your rent in singles.
263
00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,855
- Is this still a compliment
'cause--
264
00:07:44,942 --> 00:07:45,900
- Yeah, it started out
that way.
265
00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:47,467
Then it got a little truthy.
266
00:07:47,554 --> 00:07:50,470
Point is you've got some things
that I don't have.
267
00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:51,645
- Seriously?
268
00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:53,429
- And like a good brother,
269
00:07:53,516 --> 00:07:57,302
you're always willing to share
what you do have
270
00:07:57,389 --> 00:07:58,303
with me.
271
00:07:58,390 --> 00:07:59,391
- [sighs]
272
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,741
Mike, you're not gonna ask
273
00:08:00,828 --> 00:08:02,003
to borrow my license again,
are you?
274
00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:03,221
I owe so much money.
275
00:08:03,308 --> 00:08:05,876
- No, Ike.
I need something else.
276
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:07,530
I want your sperm.
277
00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:09,358
- Ah!
[laughs]
278
00:08:09,445 --> 00:08:10,968
Hey, if I had a nickel
279
00:08:11,055 --> 00:08:13,014
for every time a girl asked me
for my sperm,
280
00:08:13,101 --> 00:08:14,537
I'd have a big bag of sperm--
281
00:08:14,624 --> 00:08:17,453
I mean, I'd have--
I'd be rich!
282
00:08:17,540 --> 00:08:20,412
- Susan and I are having
trouble conceiving a baby, Ike.
283
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:21,762
- She's infertile?
284
00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:23,415
- Well, that would mean--
285
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,330
yeah, you nailed it, Ike.
286
00:08:25,417 --> 00:08:28,072
So, Ike Bartholomew Crystal,
287
00:08:28,159 --> 00:08:29,857
wanna help your brother
have a baby?
288
00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:31,511
- This is a gigantic decision.
289
00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:33,164
- Yeah, it is.
290
00:08:33,251 --> 00:08:34,818
- [grunts]
- Careful on that knuckle, pal.
291
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:36,124
I can feel that too, remember?
292
00:08:36,211 --> 00:08:37,691
- Oh, yeah.
Sorry.
293
00:08:40,389 --> 00:08:42,478
- All right, mishpachah.
294
00:08:42,565 --> 00:08:44,959
Time to get in touch
with your roots.
295
00:08:45,046 --> 00:08:48,876
And then afterwards, babka!
296
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,268
- Oh, look at this.
22 and You.
297
00:08:50,355 --> 00:08:51,313
I love it.
Kaponko.
298
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,662
- Is this the DNA thing?
299
00:08:52,749 --> 00:08:54,316
- Yeah, Terry.
- That's exciting.
300
00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:55,404
- This is so fun.
- Cool.
301
00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:56,753
- Oh, I knew it.
302
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,146
[Irish accent]
Irish to me bones!
303
00:08:58,233 --> 00:08:59,669
- Look,
that is the genetic marker
304
00:08:59,756 --> 00:09:01,279
for the abnormally long
ass crack.
305
00:09:01,366 --> 00:09:02,411
- Okay, the length
of my ass crack
306
00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:03,847
is well within normal range.
307
00:09:03,934 --> 00:09:05,196
- And there's
the genetic marker
308
00:09:05,283 --> 00:09:06,371
for Asymmetrowobblosis.
309
00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:08,286
- What's that?
310
00:09:08,373 --> 00:09:09,810
- That's the condition that
causes 90% of your body weight
311
00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:11,768
to settle above
your belly button.
312
00:09:11,855 --> 00:09:13,901
- And if it's left untreated,
it leads to topple-over-itis.
313
00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:15,467
- Which, in turn, can lead
to help-I've-fallen-
314
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,468
and-I-can't-get-up-isis.
315
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,427
[laughter]
316
00:09:18,514 --> 00:09:19,907
- It says here my genetic
traits are low testosterone,
317
00:09:19,994 --> 00:09:22,387
wet mouth, clammy hands,
and sensitive teeth.
318
00:09:22,474 --> 00:09:23,998
- I'm glad I don't have
those traits.
319
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:26,000
- It also says that Lucy and I
are descendants
320
00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:27,262
of Genghis Khan.
321
00:09:27,349 --> 00:09:28,959
- Hey, me too.
- Me too.
322
00:09:29,046 --> 00:09:30,265
Everybody's related
to Genghis Khan.
323
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:31,919
- I am not.
324
00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:33,573
It says here that I'm related
to Chaka Khan.
325
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:34,922
- Oh.
- Huh.
326
00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:37,315
Says here that 90%
of my inherited traits
327
00:09:37,402 --> 00:09:39,230
come from the Penisi side
and not the McConky.
328
00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:40,884
- You have a lot of McConky
in you.
329
00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,146
Give me that thing.
- You wanna see my stats?
330
00:09:42,233 --> 00:09:44,584
- Yeah, come on.
- All right.
331
00:09:44,671 --> 00:09:46,281
- This can't be right.
- Sorry, Chiefy.
332
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:47,499
She's a Penisi
through and through.
333
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:48,675
- Penisis are cool.
334
00:09:48,762 --> 00:09:50,764
- Whatever.
Gimme some babka.
335
00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:52,287
[grunting]
Okay.
336
00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:53,723
Looks good, Granny.
337
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,856
Mmm.
Oh, mmm.
338
00:09:55,943 --> 00:09:57,727
Oh, my God. Ow!
Oh, my teeth!
339
00:09:57,814 --> 00:10:00,600
- Penisis do not have
sensitive teeth.
340
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:02,471
[moaning]
- [laughs]
341
00:10:02,558 --> 00:10:03,603
- No.
I don't like this one bit.
342
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:05,169
You are not like him.
343
00:10:05,256 --> 00:10:07,258
[grunting]
344
00:10:07,345 --> 00:10:08,738
Ow!
Jesus!
345
00:10:08,825 --> 00:10:09,913
[groans]
346
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:10,958
Where's my toothpaste?
347
00:10:11,045 --> 00:10:12,263
- Why would you do that?
348
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:15,092
- Why does it say
I'm 6% Toblerone?
349
00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:16,964
- Ooh.
- Not true.
350
00:10:17,051 --> 00:10:19,575
The aroma of Tacoma comes from
the old pulp and paper mill.
351
00:10:19,662 --> 00:10:20,837
- You're wrong.
Egg farms.
352
00:10:20,924 --> 00:10:21,925
That's where
the aroma comes from.
353
00:10:22,012 --> 00:10:23,623
- This is it on Checkipedia.
354
00:10:23,710 --> 00:10:25,189
So it's offish.
- Checkipedia.
355
00:10:25,276 --> 00:10:27,017
- Yeah, that's wrong.
- What?
356
00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:28,497
- It's in writing.
- It's in digital writing.
357
00:10:28,584 --> 00:10:29,585
- Ike, Ike,
that's still charged.
358
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:30,586
- [groans]
- Whoa.
359
00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:31,805
- Oh, my God!
360
00:10:31,892 --> 00:10:33,763
- Ay, caramba!
361
00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:35,156
[groans]
362
00:10:35,243 --> 00:10:36,157
- Are you okay?
363
00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:37,506
- Yeah.
Sorry, guys.
364
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:39,421
I've just been
really preoccupied lately.
365
00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:41,466
Mike asked me for my sperm
for a baby.
366
00:10:41,553 --> 00:10:42,729
- What?
367
00:10:42,816 --> 00:10:43,817
After the shitty way
he's treated you
368
00:10:43,904 --> 00:10:45,035
all these years?
369
00:10:45,122 --> 00:10:46,080
- Cap, he doesn't treat me
shitty.
370
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:47,168
You have to understand.
371
00:10:47,255 --> 00:10:48,604
Guys, he's my brother.
372
00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:50,127
That's brother stuff.
373
00:10:50,214 --> 00:10:52,521
He could've asked anyone
for sperm for his baby.
374
00:10:52,608 --> 00:10:54,218
You know who he asked?
375
00:10:54,305 --> 00:10:56,743
Me.
His identical twin.
376
00:10:56,830 --> 00:10:58,614
- Yeah,
you should be flattered.
377
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,355
- I know, right?
378
00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:01,878
I feel like it could really
just bring us closer together,
379
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:03,358
you know, like, as brothers.
380
00:11:03,445 --> 00:11:05,490
And plus, I gotta say,
it would be pretty sweet
381
00:11:05,577 --> 00:11:07,057
to have sex with his wife.
382
00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:08,842
- I don't think
that's a part of the deal.
383
00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:11,409
- Because she's infertile.
- I said the same thing.
384
00:11:11,496 --> 00:11:12,933
- Ike, you do not want
the child of your seed
385
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:14,717
being raised
by that bullying prick.
386
00:11:14,804 --> 00:11:16,023
- [laughs]
387
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,938
Cap, he's not a bully.
388
00:11:18,025 --> 00:11:20,201
He's not a prick either.
He's my brother.
389
00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:22,812
And what--
[chokes]
390
00:11:22,899 --> 00:11:25,423
- 'Sup, you big spaz?
- Ah, Mike, I knew it was you!
391
00:11:25,510 --> 00:11:28,165
[wheezes]
We always do this.
392
00:11:28,252 --> 00:11:29,427
I'll flip you.
393
00:11:29,514 --> 00:11:30,951
- Let's go talk
turkey...baster.
394
00:11:31,038 --> 00:11:32,169
- [groans]
- [laughs]
395
00:11:32,256 --> 00:11:33,301
- Ah, Mike, you're so strong!
396
00:11:33,388 --> 00:11:34,389
- You even get that, Ike?
397
00:11:34,476 --> 00:11:36,913
You get that joke?
398
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,001
Ooh!
399
00:11:38,088 --> 00:11:39,437
Pah!
Come on, get up, pal.
400
00:11:39,524 --> 00:11:41,178
We gotta get this
insemination thing going.
401
00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:42,658
- That was awesome.
402
00:11:42,745 --> 00:11:43,877
- What do you say I take you
out for ice cream
403
00:11:43,964 --> 00:11:44,878
and then you can jerk off
in a cup?
404
00:11:44,965 --> 00:11:46,575
- To tell you the truth,
405
00:11:46,662 --> 00:11:48,272
I haven't really made
my mind up about that yet.
406
00:11:48,359 --> 00:11:51,406
- Ike, this'll bring us closer
as brothers.
407
00:11:51,493 --> 00:11:52,755
- Okay, all right.
I'll do it.
408
00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:55,366
- [laughs]
There you go! All right!
409
00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:57,673
- Hey, but first,
two scoops of Rocky Road
410
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,109
with sprinkles!
411
00:11:59,196 --> 00:12:00,328
- You betcha.
412
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:02,069
Rocky Road
followed by Rocky Load.
413
00:12:02,156 --> 00:12:04,462
- Oh, Rocky Road...
414
00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:06,987
with--oh--
415
00:12:07,074 --> 00:12:09,032
- Nut, man.
Any kind of nut.
416
00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:10,207
- Oh, man.
417
00:12:10,294 --> 00:12:11,295
Orange sherbet
418
00:12:11,382 --> 00:12:13,341
and sugar and sperm.
419
00:12:13,428 --> 00:12:15,125
- Sugar and sperm?
Oh, man.
420
00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:18,172
I forgot you can't do puns.
[laughs]
421
00:12:18,259 --> 00:12:20,174
I scream, you scream,
we all scream for Ike's cream.
422
00:12:20,261 --> 00:12:22,437
[all scoff]
- Dang, that was funny.
423
00:12:22,524 --> 00:12:24,004
- Come on, buddy.
424
00:12:24,091 --> 00:12:26,310
- Sugar and sperm?
Really, Ike?
425
00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:27,703
♪ ♪
426
00:12:27,790 --> 00:12:30,010
- Mm.
Fast metabolism.
427
00:12:30,097 --> 00:12:31,838
You know that's Penisi DNA.
428
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,317
You're welcome.
429
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:34,579
Regular sized cranium.
430
00:12:34,666 --> 00:12:36,146
- No McConky ham head for me.
431
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:37,408
- You're welcome.
432
00:12:37,495 --> 00:12:38,888
The gene
for actually having a neck.
433
00:12:38,975 --> 00:12:40,237
You're welcome.
434
00:12:40,324 --> 00:12:42,109
Kid, you're a Penisi through
and through.
435
00:12:42,196 --> 00:12:43,545
[echoing]
Penisi through and through.
436
00:12:43,632 --> 00:12:44,894
Penisi through and through.
437
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:46,374
- But so anyways,
438
00:12:46,461 --> 00:12:47,984
the pregnancy results came back
negative,
439
00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:50,944
so I celebrated
and I went out to the track.
440
00:12:51,031 --> 00:12:53,947
I ended up hooking up
with this 19-year-old jockey.
441
00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:56,166
He was short,
but he knew how to ride.
442
00:12:56,253 --> 00:12:58,516
[distorted laugh]
443
00:12:58,603 --> 00:13:00,388
[distorted]
Oh, he knew how to ride!
444
00:13:00,475 --> 00:13:01,824
[both laugh evilly]
445
00:13:01,911 --> 00:13:03,608
I'm so lonely.
446
00:13:03,695 --> 00:13:06,046
[both laugh]
Ah, this is a cry for help.
447
00:13:06,133 --> 00:13:07,482
[distorted laughter]
448
00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:08,831
- Hey, Chief.
- [yelps]
449
00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,180
- Wanna try some kishke
with me?
450
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:11,660
- Okay.
451
00:13:11,747 --> 00:13:13,096
- It's matzo
stuffed in cow intestine.
452
00:13:13,183 --> 00:13:15,795
Granny, come here, come here.
453
00:13:15,882 --> 00:13:18,145
Listen, you're a man
of science, right?
454
00:13:18,232 --> 00:13:20,321
Why is it that Lucy has none
of my DNA
455
00:13:20,408 --> 00:13:21,539
and all of Eddie's DNA?
456
00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:23,367
- She has your DNA too.
457
00:13:23,454 --> 00:13:25,979
It's just that the Penisi gene
is dominant.
458
00:13:26,066 --> 00:13:27,894
- Eddie is shallow
and conceited
459
00:13:27,981 --> 00:13:29,591
and he can't hold
a relationship
460
00:13:29,678 --> 00:13:32,028
and I don't want my daughter
growing up to be like him.
461
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:35,205
- What makes us who we are
is not so simple, Chief.
462
00:13:35,292 --> 00:13:36,337
I mean, look at me.
463
00:13:36,424 --> 00:13:37,773
I'm a member of the 12 tribes.
464
00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:39,775
[laughs]
465
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,473
- Look, look,
my kids are my legacy, okay?
466
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,171
And if they don't carry
my traits,
467
00:13:44,258 --> 00:13:46,347
when I'm gone,
I cease to exist.
468
00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:49,480
- Then I suggest
you bring out your traits
469
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:51,700
and show her the good things
about being a McConky.
470
00:13:51,787 --> 00:13:52,744
Huh?
471
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:54,616
Now, open.
472
00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:56,487
- Oh, okay.
- [laughs]
473
00:13:56,574 --> 00:13:57,924
Mazel.
474
00:13:58,011 --> 00:14:00,274
- [grunting]
475
00:14:00,361 --> 00:14:02,450
What the hell is this?
476
00:14:02,537 --> 00:14:05,105
This album is full
of your McConky ancestors
477
00:14:05,192 --> 00:14:06,541
and their amazing
accomplishments,
478
00:14:06,628 --> 00:14:08,586
or as I like to call them,
McConk-lishments.
479
00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:10,240
[both laugh]
- Good one, Dad.
480
00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:11,720
You know, I actually have
some work to do,
481
00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:12,895
but this looks really--
482
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:14,505
- Okay.
All right. Great.
483
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:16,246
This here is Seamus McConky,
your great-grandfather.
484
00:14:16,333 --> 00:14:19,032
He was a successful fishmonger
in Cork, Ireland.
485
00:14:19,119 --> 00:14:21,208
Also known to be
extremely sturdy.
486
00:14:21,295 --> 00:14:22,731
- Hmm.
- Look, that's your face.
487
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:24,037
- I'm not seeing it.
- Right in the eyes?
488
00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:26,430
- Nah.
- Oh, okay.
489
00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:28,345
He too had a daughter
named Lucille.
490
00:14:28,432 --> 00:14:29,607
- I'm not a Lucille.
491
00:14:29,694 --> 00:14:31,348
- This is Cormac McConky,
492
00:14:31,435 --> 00:14:33,220
famous for eating
the last potato
493
00:14:33,307 --> 00:14:34,308
before the great potato famine.
494
00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:36,397
Legend has it, that potato?
495
00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:37,877
[Irish accent]
It was au gratin.
496
00:14:37,964 --> 00:14:39,269
- You know, Dad,
you don't have to do this.
497
00:14:39,356 --> 00:14:41,228
- Aw, a little
father-daughter time.
498
00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:43,404
How adorable.
- Hey, Mom. What's up?
499
00:14:43,491 --> 00:14:45,188
- Just swinging by.
I'm on my way to the hospital.
500
00:14:45,275 --> 00:14:46,320
What is this about?
501
00:14:46,407 --> 00:14:47,974
- Everyone here did DNA tests
502
00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:49,540
and Dad's a little freaked out
about my Penisi DNA,
503
00:14:49,627 --> 00:14:51,064
so he's trying to impress me
504
00:14:51,151 --> 00:14:53,414
with the McConky clan
of McConky.
505
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:55,198
- Her results
were a little alarming.
506
00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:57,374
- Alarming?
How?
507
00:14:57,461 --> 00:14:59,463
- There was a lot of Penisi DNA
508
00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:01,509
and Eddie's been rubbing
my nose in it.
509
00:15:01,596 --> 00:15:03,598
- Yeah, that's my DNA.
510
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:05,382
The good stuff?
[laughs]
511
00:15:05,469 --> 00:15:09,691
It's the gene for caring,
patience, intelligence.
512
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:11,867
Those the traits
you're concerned about?
513
00:15:11,954 --> 00:15:13,434
- I was not talking about that.
514
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:14,783
- He's talking about
Uncle Eddie.
515
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,480
- I'm sorry,
am I missing something?
516
00:15:16,567 --> 00:15:18,091
Did you somehow, what,
fertilize Eddie's egg?
517
00:15:18,178 --> 00:15:21,224
- Course not, but sometimes,
I see his eyes
518
00:15:21,311 --> 00:15:23,618
when I make love to you.
519
00:15:23,705 --> 00:15:25,402
- Oh, my gosh, Dad.
520
00:15:25,489 --> 00:15:27,143
- Holy hell.
- [gags]
521
00:15:27,230 --> 00:15:28,492
Dad, you shouldn't have
said that.
522
00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:29,667
- It's her brother.
523
00:15:29,754 --> 00:15:31,713
- Hoo!
All right.
524
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,715
I hope
that you don't ever think
525
00:15:33,802 --> 00:15:35,717
that we're gonna have sex again
526
00:15:35,804 --> 00:15:39,764
because I can't believe
you just said that.
527
00:15:39,851 --> 00:15:41,070
Lucy, come on.
528
00:15:41,157 --> 00:15:42,419
- She's supposed to stay here
with me.
529
00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:43,855
- And hear about
Uncle Eddie's eyes?
530
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:45,640
I don't think so.
- Wait, I'm the chief!
531
00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:47,555
- And I am her mother.
532
00:15:47,642 --> 00:15:50,079
- Okay.
533
00:15:50,166 --> 00:15:52,864
- [whispering]
Penisi genes.
534
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:56,346
- [laughing]
535
00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:57,913
- What are you doing?
536
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,567
- I'm trying to figure out
what holidays I get off
537
00:15:59,654 --> 00:16:00,524
now that I'm Jewish.
538
00:16:00,611 --> 00:16:01,961
It's amazing!
539
00:16:02,048 --> 00:16:04,180
Look, they got Rosh Hashanah,
Yom Kippur,
540
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:05,877
Passover, Hanukkah.
541
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,923
- Okay, I think there's more
to being Jewish
542
00:16:08,010 --> 00:16:11,448
than just counting holidays
and trying new foods.
543
00:16:11,535 --> 00:16:13,494
- [laughs]
Okay.
544
00:16:13,581 --> 00:16:16,627
- I'm sure
there's something deeper...
545
00:16:16,714 --> 00:16:19,891
to it inside things...
546
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,502
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, yeah, no.
547
00:16:21,589 --> 00:16:23,156
I'm just saying that, you know,
548
00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:26,942
maybe some of these DAN tests
are just wrong.
549
00:16:27,029 --> 00:16:29,162
- You don't have to pretend
to be dumb when Ike's not here.
550
00:16:29,249 --> 00:16:30,946
- I'm not!
[gasps]
551
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:32,817
You think it's stuck?
- That's medically impossible.
552
00:16:32,904 --> 00:16:36,038
- What if this is permanent?
[gasps]
553
00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:37,648
Like a Sharpie?
554
00:16:37,735 --> 00:16:39,520
Or like when you cross
your eyes for too long
555
00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:41,000
and then all of a sudden,
you're like a bird.
556
00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:42,523
You see, like, both sides only
557
00:16:42,610 --> 00:16:43,959
and you have to turn your head
real fast
558
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:45,743
in order to see
what's next to you.
559
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:48,311
- What a day, what a day!
[laughs]
560
00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:49,530
Today, I'll have you know,
561
00:16:49,617 --> 00:16:52,446
I was part of the miracle
of life.
562
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:54,404
- You really went through with
helping your douchebag brother?
563
00:16:54,491 --> 00:16:55,492
- Gran, He's not a douchebag.
564
00:16:55,579 --> 00:16:57,842
I mean--well, even if he is,
565
00:16:57,929 --> 00:17:00,454
I'll be around as a symbol
of undoucheyness
566
00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:01,977
for the kid, so--
567
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:04,066
- Ike.
Come on.
568
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:06,547
- This might be the big news!
569
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,288
- I know I found
a new religion,
570
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:10,986
but fuck Mike.
571
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,727
- [whistles]
572
00:17:12,814 --> 00:17:14,163
Hey, big fella.
573
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:16,209
So talked to the doctor.
574
00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:17,862
Your custard cut the mustard.
575
00:17:17,949 --> 00:17:19,212
- Ah!
Mike!
576
00:17:19,299 --> 00:17:20,648
[laughs]
- All right, all right.
577
00:17:20,735 --> 00:17:21,736
- Eh, oh?
- You know, stop, stop.
578
00:17:21,823 --> 00:17:23,172
Just stop.
- [growls]
579
00:17:23,259 --> 00:17:25,131
[laughs]
Oh, man!
580
00:17:25,218 --> 00:17:27,046
I'm so excited
to be part of a family.
581
00:17:27,133 --> 00:17:28,438
- About that.
582
00:17:28,525 --> 00:17:29,961
Listen, Ikey,
583
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,746
Susan doesn't know
that it's your sperm
584
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,574
and I think it's probably best
if we keep it that way,
585
00:17:33,661 --> 00:17:35,706
okay, pal?
586
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:37,491
- What's she gonna think
when the baby comes out
587
00:17:37,578 --> 00:17:40,276
and looks exactly like me?
588
00:17:40,363 --> 00:17:43,366
- Well, uh, Ike, we'll just
have to cross that bridge
589
00:17:43,453 --> 00:17:45,412
when we get to it.
590
00:17:45,499 --> 00:17:47,979
- Well, it's gonna be fun
to be an uncle, I guess.
591
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,416
I'll always be that.
[laughs]
592
00:17:49,503 --> 00:17:50,808
- Listen, Ike,
I think it's best
593
00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:52,897
if the kid doesn't even know
you exist.
594
00:17:52,984 --> 00:17:54,247
- What?
595
00:17:54,334 --> 00:17:55,770
- He needs
positive role models.
596
00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:57,337
You understand, right?
597
00:17:57,424 --> 00:17:59,295
I mean, I don't want him
growing up seeing you
598
00:17:59,382 --> 00:18:02,385
and thinking
he's gonna end up dumb.
599
00:18:02,472 --> 00:18:03,691
But, still, hey.
600
00:18:03,778 --> 00:18:06,433
Nice work, stud.
601
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:08,609
- Thanks.
602
00:18:10,437 --> 00:18:14,615
♪ ♪
603
00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:21,491
- Sorry, Granny.
604
00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:23,189
I just needed a moment
to myself.
605
00:18:23,276 --> 00:18:25,016
- Sit down, my friend.
606
00:18:29,978 --> 00:18:32,589
Sometimes, the man
who wants to be alone
607
00:18:32,676 --> 00:18:34,200
is the most in need of company.
608
00:18:34,287 --> 00:18:37,464
- It's my brother, Mike.
609
00:18:37,551 --> 00:18:40,293
Just feel like he walks
all over me all the time.
610
00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:42,338
- There's an old Yiddish
saying:
611
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:45,254
"Klieg, Klieg, Klieg--
du bist a Nar."
612
00:18:47,387 --> 00:18:48,649
- What does that mean?
613
00:18:48,736 --> 00:18:51,956
- "You are smart, smart, smart,
614
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:53,219
but you are not so smart."
615
00:18:53,306 --> 00:18:56,700
- Oh.
[both laugh]
616
00:18:56,787 --> 00:18:58,006
What does that mean?
617
00:18:58,093 --> 00:18:59,486
- You're missing
the big picture.
618
00:18:59,573 --> 00:19:01,140
- How?
619
00:19:01,227 --> 00:19:02,924
- In the Torah, it teaches us
620
00:19:03,011 --> 00:19:06,188
that the highest form of wisdom
is kindness.
621
00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:08,495
That is where you are smarter
than Mike.
622
00:19:08,582 --> 00:19:10,192
And you can use that
against him.
623
00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:12,629
- Yeah, like in a race
or something.
624
00:19:12,716 --> 00:19:14,109
- Or you can Cain and Abel him
625
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:15,806
and crack him over the head
with a rock.
626
00:19:15,893 --> 00:19:17,417
- [laughs]
627
00:19:17,504 --> 00:19:20,855
Ah, no.
I'm not gonna murder him.
628
00:19:20,942 --> 00:19:22,073
Thanks though, Granny.
629
00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:23,510
I always wanted
a Jewish granny.
630
00:19:23,597 --> 00:19:25,599
- Of course.
631
00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:27,905
[speaks Hebrew]
632
00:19:30,343 --> 00:19:32,736
- Oh, wait.
633
00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:34,216
Think I have a better idea.
634
00:19:34,303 --> 00:19:38,481
[upbeat music]
635
00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:40,570
- Hey.
Ike here?
636
00:19:40,657 --> 00:19:42,181
Said he had something important
to tell me.
637
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,226
- Oh, hey, Mike.
Thanks for coming.
638
00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:45,749
I just got some crazy news.
639
00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:48,099
We all took this DNA test
640
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,927
and given
our recent transaction,
641
00:19:50,014 --> 00:19:52,278
I think you're gonna be
interested in the results.
642
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:53,975
- Sure.
643
00:19:54,062 --> 00:19:55,498
- Turns out the Crystal lineage
can be traced
644
00:19:55,585 --> 00:19:57,413
all the way back
to sixth-century Norway.
645
00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,980
- Wow, no way.
- Norway.
646
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:00,242
- Anyway--
- Norway.
647
00:20:00,329 --> 00:20:01,635
- Go away.
- Right away.
648
00:20:01,722 --> 00:20:02,940
- Anyway,
649
00:20:03,027 --> 00:20:04,333
the Crystals are
direct descendants
650
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:06,074
of a Viking named Erik the Dum.
651
00:20:06,161 --> 00:20:07,641
- Erik the Dum?
652
00:20:07,728 --> 00:20:09,817
- He's from the Moron region
of Norway.
653
00:20:09,904 --> 00:20:13,690
And according to this,
Erik the Dum was a carrier
654
00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:17,477
of the gene PRDX22.
655
00:20:17,564 --> 00:20:20,697
That's also known
as "the dumb gene."
656
00:20:20,784 --> 00:20:22,003
- So what?
657
00:20:22,090 --> 00:20:23,439
I definitely don't have
a dumb gene.
658
00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:25,702
- Doesn't really matter, Mike.
I do.
659
00:20:25,789 --> 00:20:27,095
I just need you to know
660
00:20:27,182 --> 00:20:29,793
because your wife is carrying
my seed,
661
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,579
your kid is gonna have
the dumb gene.
662
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,189
- Is this a joke?
663
00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:37,148
You expect me to believe
that there is a Erik the Dum
664
00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:40,021
from the Moron region
of Norway?
665
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:41,588
- We were all surprised too.
666
00:20:41,675 --> 00:20:43,329
- I'll just look it up.
667
00:20:43,416 --> 00:20:45,374
[whispering]
Such an idiot.
668
00:20:45,461 --> 00:20:47,811
Ah.
"Erik the Dum."
669
00:20:47,898 --> 00:20:49,726
[laughs]
670
00:20:49,813 --> 00:20:51,424
"Erik the Dum,
671
00:20:51,511 --> 00:20:54,818
"a Viking from the Moron region
of Norway.
672
00:20:54,905 --> 00:20:57,560
"Widely perceived to be
the stupidest Viking
673
00:20:57,647 --> 00:21:00,041
ever to become--"
674
00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,956
Holy shit.
675
00:21:02,043 --> 00:21:04,654
- Yeah.
Sorry, brother.
676
00:21:04,741 --> 00:21:06,917
- You idiot!
677
00:21:07,004 --> 00:21:09,006
You put your dumb genes
into my wife
678
00:21:09,093 --> 00:21:11,661
and condemned my kid
to a life of stupidity?
679
00:21:11,748 --> 00:21:12,923
I asked you for one thing
680
00:21:13,010 --> 00:21:14,490
and you screwed it up,
didn't you?
681
00:21:14,577 --> 00:21:16,449
Like you screw up
your entire life!
682
00:21:16,536 --> 00:21:17,798
- Whoa, man!
[all objecting]
683
00:21:17,885 --> 00:21:19,495
- It's okay.
No, no, no, no, no.
684
00:21:19,582 --> 00:21:21,497
Guys, guys, guys,
don't cross over into his zone.
685
00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:22,716
He's not worth it.
686
00:21:22,803 --> 00:21:23,934
- Oh, no, cross the line!
Come on!
687
00:21:24,021 --> 00:21:25,371
I'll take you all on!
688
00:21:25,458 --> 00:21:28,765
I'm a master
of Wishu Shishu karate!
689
00:21:28,852 --> 00:21:30,332
- You know what, Mike?
690
00:21:30,419 --> 00:21:32,073
For years, you have been
treating me like dirt
691
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:35,729
and all I've ever done
is been nice to you in return.
692
00:21:35,816 --> 00:21:37,818
That ends now.
693
00:21:37,905 --> 00:21:40,081
You know, I may not be
book smart
694
00:21:40,168 --> 00:21:43,824
or word smart
or university smart like you,
695
00:21:43,911 --> 00:21:45,173
but guess what?
696
00:21:45,260 --> 00:21:47,131
I'm hose smart, axe smart,
697
00:21:47,218 --> 00:21:49,482
fire truck driving smart, Mike.
698
00:21:49,569 --> 00:21:51,353
And guess what?
699
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,573
I'm also just a nice person.
700
00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:55,618
- Wow.
I gotta write that one down.
701
00:21:55,705 --> 00:21:57,185
It's brilliant.
702
00:21:57,272 --> 00:21:59,318
- A very good friend of mine
once said to me,
703
00:21:59,405 --> 00:22:02,538
"The highest form of wisdom
704
00:22:02,625 --> 00:22:04,148
is kindness."
705
00:22:04,235 --> 00:22:06,150
My friend, that makes you
706
00:22:06,237 --> 00:22:08,022
one of the stupidest people
I know.
707
00:22:08,109 --> 00:22:09,632
- Whatever.
708
00:22:10,981 --> 00:22:13,723
By the way,
you suck at making puns.
709
00:22:15,638 --> 00:22:16,987
- You know what, Mike?
710
00:22:17,074 --> 00:22:19,903
You suck...
711
00:22:19,990 --> 00:22:21,470
at making sons.
712
00:22:21,557 --> 00:22:25,126
all: Oh!
713
00:22:25,213 --> 00:22:26,432
- Yes!
714
00:22:26,519 --> 00:22:27,607
- That's a rhyme.
That's a rhyme.
715
00:22:27,694 --> 00:22:28,956
It's not a--
- Yeah!
716
00:22:29,043 --> 00:22:30,784
[all cheering]
717
00:22:30,871 --> 00:22:32,176
- Say hi to Mom for me.
718
00:22:32,263 --> 00:22:33,874
- Me too.
719
00:22:33,961 --> 00:22:35,397
- Whoo!
- [laughs]
720
00:22:35,484 --> 00:22:36,964
- Oh, man.
- That was awesome.
721
00:22:37,051 --> 00:22:38,922
- Oh, man, you came up
with that, like, so--
722
00:22:39,009 --> 00:22:40,315
- Yeah, I just thought of it
and I was like--
723
00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:42,578
- Fast.
- Puns, puns, puns, think.
724
00:22:42,665 --> 00:22:43,840
Oh, okay, I'm doing it wrong
now, but--
725
00:22:43,927 --> 00:22:45,668
- Oh, no, you got it.
- Wow.
726
00:22:45,755 --> 00:22:47,714
- Hook, line, and blinker, man.
727
00:22:47,801 --> 00:22:49,019
[all agreeing]
- Yeah. Definitely.
728
00:22:49,106 --> 00:22:50,717
Yeah.
- Right?
729
00:22:50,804 --> 00:22:52,153
- I know, it's almost like
the flashlight is on.
730
00:22:56,940 --> 00:22:58,289
- That's a fat violin.
731
00:22:58,377 --> 00:23:00,727
- Guys.
My brother texted me.
732
00:23:00,814 --> 00:23:02,250
Turns out
the pregnancy didn't take.
733
00:23:02,337 --> 00:23:03,947
His wife's not pregnant.
[both cheering]
734
00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:05,209
- Yeah, yeah!
- Nice!
735
00:23:05,296 --> 00:23:06,602
- Apparently, my sperm went
736
00:23:06,689 --> 00:23:07,821
right into her spleen
or something.
737
00:23:07,908 --> 00:23:09,605
[laughter]
738
00:23:09,692 --> 00:23:11,564
- So wait, what's up
with those test results?
739
00:23:11,651 --> 00:23:13,043
- Oh, no, it's fake.
740
00:23:13,130 --> 00:23:14,523
We made it all up
just to piss my brother off.
741
00:23:14,610 --> 00:23:15,829
- Man.
742
00:23:15,916 --> 00:23:16,873
What about
that Checkipedia page then?
743
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,179
- It's fake.
Yeah.
744
00:23:18,266 --> 00:23:19,833
Granny created a fake page.
745
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:22,923
- Oh, my goodness.
What about the dumb gene?
746
00:23:23,010 --> 00:23:24,490
- We made everything up.
747
00:23:24,577 --> 00:23:26,535
- What about Moron, Norway?
What about that?
748
00:23:26,622 --> 00:23:27,884
- None of it is real, Andy.
749
00:23:27,971 --> 00:23:29,364
- I still don't get it.
750
00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:30,800
- When is this
gonna fix itself, Andy?
751
00:23:30,887 --> 00:23:32,149
- You get used to it.
[laughs]
752
00:23:32,236 --> 00:23:35,414
[laughter]
753
00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:36,763
- Oh, man.
- All right, guys.
754
00:23:36,850 --> 00:23:38,982
Who's ready for Peaches Penisi?
755
00:23:39,069 --> 00:23:40,375
[all cheering]
756
00:23:40,462 --> 00:23:41,463
- What?
757
00:23:41,550 --> 00:23:43,117
Looks amazing!
- Wow!
758
00:23:43,204 --> 00:23:45,380
- Fork?
- Thank you.
759
00:23:45,467 --> 00:23:46,990
- Hey, Chief, do you want some?
- Oh, no.
760
00:23:47,077 --> 00:23:49,602
It's too sweet for my teeth.
761
00:23:49,689 --> 00:23:50,994
- Okay.
762
00:23:51,081 --> 00:23:52,692
You don't know
what you're missing.
763
00:23:56,478 --> 00:23:57,827
- Oh, my teeth!
764
00:23:57,914 --> 00:24:00,134
Oh, this kills.
- What's the matter?
765
00:24:00,221 --> 00:24:01,178
- Dad, is this
what it feels like
766
00:24:01,265 --> 00:24:02,789
to have sensitive teeth?
767
00:24:02,876 --> 00:24:04,312
- They feel sensitive? Really?
- Oh, yeah.
768
00:24:04,399 --> 00:24:05,748
Maybe you could coach me
through it?
769
00:24:05,835 --> 00:24:07,837
- Oh, okay.
I have special toothpaste,
770
00:24:07,924 --> 00:24:09,099
I could share it with you.
- Great.
771
00:24:09,186 --> 00:24:10,361
- Hold on.
772
00:24:10,449 --> 00:24:14,191
[upbeat music]
773
00:24:14,278 --> 00:24:15,758
- This is so freaking
delicious.
774
00:24:15,845 --> 00:24:17,543
- You old softy.
I know what you did.
775
00:24:17,630 --> 00:24:19,588
- I guess
that's my McConky side.
776
00:24:19,675 --> 00:24:20,981
- Yeah.
You know what?
777
00:24:21,068 --> 00:24:22,286
Who wants more Peaches Penisi?
778
00:24:22,373 --> 00:24:25,289
[all talking at once]
779
00:24:25,376 --> 00:24:29,468
♪ ♪
54517
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