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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:31,627 'T. S. Eliot said that 2 00:00:31,667 --> 00:00:36,343 'the purpose of literature was to turn blood into ink. 3 00:00:36,375 --> 00:00:38,628 'Well, I tried that. 4 00:00:38,667 --> 00:00:42,297 'I published five collections of poetry in eight years 5 00:00:42,333 --> 00:00:45,587 'and I bled like a hemophiliac. 6 00:00:45,625 --> 00:00:49,835 'Then, somewhere along the way, the blood finally clotted. 7 00:00:50,083 --> 00:00:54,168 'Over time, the scab became a scar 8 00:00:54,208 --> 00:00:57,883 'and now I can scarcely feel the wound. 9 00:00:58,125 --> 00:01:01,709 'All the arteries and veins are dried out. 10 00:01:01,750 --> 00:01:05,209 'I no longer turn blood into ink. 11 00:01:05,250 --> 00:01:09,710 'These days, I turn whiskey into journalism. 12 00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:12,629 'I haven't written a poem since 1987.' 13 00:02:17,083 --> 00:02:20,667 Ah-ah-ah! Ah! Ah! 14 00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:22,631 Ah-ah-ah! 15 00:02:22,667 --> 00:02:24,465 Ah! Ah! 16 00:02:24,500 --> 00:02:27,709 Ah-ah-ah! Ah! Ah! 17 00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:30,753 Ah-ah-ah! Ah! Ah! 18 00:02:30,792 --> 00:02:32,886 Aaah! 19 00:02:33,125 --> 00:02:35,298 Aaah! 20 00:02:36,708 --> 00:02:37,834 Aaah! 21 00:02:38,083 --> 00:02:39,551 Yaaah! 22 00:02:39,583 --> 00:02:42,712 Aaah! 23 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,752 Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! 24 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,843 Aaah! 25 00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:50,334 Noble patricians, patrons of my right, 26 00:02:50,375 --> 00:02:52,753 defend the justice of my cause with arms... 27 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,253 And, countrymen, my loving followers... 28 00:02:57,292 --> 00:02:59,795 If ever Bassianus, Caesar's son, 29 00:03:00,042 --> 00:03:02,886 were gracious in the eyes of royal Rome, 30 00:03:03,125 --> 00:03:03,876 take then this passage to the Capitol... 31 00:03:04,125 --> 00:03:06,719 Complete and utter crap. 32 00:03:06,750 --> 00:03:08,343 Shh. 33 00:03:08,375 --> 00:03:11,879 You're not defending this fecal matter, are you? 34 00:03:11,917 --> 00:03:14,716 - To justice! Continence. - Huargh! Huargh! 35 00:03:14,750 --> 00:03:17,469 - And nobility. - Huargh! 36 00:03:24,833 --> 00:03:27,632 Princes, that strive by factions and by friends... 37 00:03:30,125 --> 00:03:31,877 - ambitiously. - Oh, fuck off. 38 00:03:32,125 --> 00:03:34,378 Will you keep your opinions to yourself? 39 00:03:34,417 --> 00:03:38,718 Goes rather against the grain, being a critic, doesn't it? 40 00:03:38,750 --> 00:03:40,844 Know that the people of Rome, for whom we stand 41 00:03:41,083 --> 00:03:42,426 a special party, 42 00:03:42,458 --> 00:03:45,382 - have for... for... - By common voice. 43 00:03:45,417 --> 00:03:51,254 Have, by common voice, in election for the Roman empery... 44 00:03:51,292 --> 00:03:53,018 - Chosen Andronicus. - Chosen Andronicus... 45 00:03:53,042 --> 00:03:55,136 - Right, that's it. - Surnamed Pius for many... 46 00:03:55,167 --> 00:04:00,128 Get off the stage and find new representation! 47 00:04:00,167 --> 00:04:02,545 Is this part of the performance? 48 00:04:02,583 --> 00:04:04,802 On the contrary, madam, this is an intervention. 49 00:04:05,042 --> 00:04:09,218 Where is the man responsible for this theatrical audia? 50 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:12,174 Where is Matthew Lake? 51 00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:14,210 - Throw him out! - Not me, madam. 52 00:04:14,250 --> 00:04:16,298 It is the director who should be ejected, 53 00:04:16,333 --> 00:04:18,711 then tarred and feathered, 54 00:04:18,750 --> 00:04:21,503 for inflicting such loose-stooled effluent 55 00:04:21,542 --> 00:04:23,294 upon the paying public. 56 00:04:23,333 --> 00:04:26,052 Say that again. 57 00:04:30,875 --> 00:04:33,674 Loose... stooled... 58 00:04:35,333 --> 00:04:37,256 effluent. 59 00:04:45,500 --> 00:04:47,548 Oh, do you need the line again? 60 00:04:51,417 --> 00:04:52,417 Sun got it. 61 00:04:53,583 --> 00:04:55,677 'Oh, come on! 62 00:04:55,708 --> 00:04:58,632 'Get your fucking hands off me! 63 00:04:58,667 --> 00:05:02,843 'I haven't seen such a load of shit on the stage 64 00:05:02,875 --> 00:05:05,674 'since "Copraphilia", the musical! 65 00:05:05,708 --> 00:05:07,710 'Get off me! Get off. 66 00:05:07,750 --> 00:05:10,503 'You should be ashamed of yourselves.' 67 00:05:15,500 --> 00:05:16,780 We need to put up a strong front, 68 00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:20,504 but first we have to check you in for some rehab. 69 00:05:20,542 --> 00:05:22,715 I can hold my drink. 70 00:05:23,833 --> 00:05:26,552 Ted, I'm trying to help you. 71 00:05:26,583 --> 00:05:28,585 This... this all... all just needs management. 72 00:05:28,625 --> 00:05:30,502 Needs management! 73 00:05:30,542 --> 00:05:33,341 The war cry of the brown-trousered. 74 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:35,885 You know I venerate your work. 75 00:05:35,917 --> 00:05:38,295 I know no such thing. 76 00:05:38,333 --> 00:05:40,268 I know you've been told by people cleverer than you 77 00:05:40,292 --> 00:05:42,761 that I'm a feather in your greasy cap. 78 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:46,550 I know my writing for you makes you feel successful. 79 00:05:46,583 --> 00:05:50,463 I know you know I could walk into any job 80 00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:53,253 and spark grateful tears 81 00:05:53,292 --> 00:05:55,636 from the illiterate pricks in charge. 82 00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:58,716 I also know you took culture 83 00:05:58,750 --> 00:06:00,798 because you couldn't get the news desk. 84 00:06:00,833 --> 00:06:04,508 You would censure me? 85 00:06:04,542 --> 00:06:05,684 You're the one bringing down the tone 86 00:06:05,708 --> 00:06:08,257 with your mealy-mouthed mummery 87 00:06:08,292 --> 00:06:11,876 and your prostration before the gods of public approval. 88 00:06:11,917 --> 00:06:15,217 I bet you never had a wank that wasn't focus-grouped, 89 00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:19,460 you sexually craven provincial nerd. 90 00:06:19,500 --> 00:06:22,834 Why don't you take your freckled ass on a sabbatical 91 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:27,338 and let a real man edit the paper? 92 00:06:27,375 --> 00:06:28,601 You may have been the great hope for British poetry 93 00:06:28,625 --> 00:06:29,751 once upon a forever ago, 94 00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:32,128 but when did you last write anything? 95 00:06:32,167 --> 00:06:33,794 Huh? 96 00:06:33,833 --> 00:06:36,882 When... when did you last do anything at all? 97 00:06:37,125 --> 00:06:38,627 I have about as much need of you 98 00:06:38,667 --> 00:06:42,501 as I do a fucking fountain pen. 99 00:06:44,167 --> 00:06:45,885 Is that all? 100 00:06:46,125 --> 00:06:48,219 No. 101 00:06:48,250 --> 00:06:50,298 Get out. You're fired. 102 00:06:54,875 --> 00:06:56,843 Fine. 103 00:07:00,417 --> 00:07:05,844 'No use denying the fact we all feel undervalued. 104 00:07:06,083 --> 00:07:08,586 'To be told officially that we are off the case 105 00:07:08,625 --> 00:07:11,253 'confirms our sense of being not fully appreciated 106 00:07:11,292 --> 00:07:14,717 'by an insensitive world. 107 00:07:14,750 --> 00:07:17,128 'Paradoxically, this increases our self-esteem 108 00:07:17,167 --> 00:07:20,592 'because it proves that we were right all along, 109 00:07:20,625 --> 00:07:23,834 'even when what we're proved right about 110 00:07:23,875 --> 00:07:27,334 'is that everyone considers us a waste of skin. 111 00:07:29,375 --> 00:07:31,127 'Finding myself at leisure, 112 00:07:31,167 --> 00:07:33,511 'perhaps I shall have some time 113 00:07:33,542 --> 00:07:35,510 'to craft the burning gems of literature 114 00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:39,297 'that I was once famous for. 115 00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,381 'It was unlikely a poem would come 116 00:07:41,417 --> 00:07:43,340 'in such peaceful circumstances, 117 00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:44,877 'but you won't get if you don't ask. 118 00:07:45,125 --> 00:07:48,379 'So, I listed, as is my custom, 119 00:07:48,417 --> 00:07:51,717 'such few words as my mood suggested. 120 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,877 'Egregious. 121 00:07:54,125 --> 00:07:56,878 'Salsify. 122 00:07:56,917 --> 00:07:58,840 'Monstration. 123 00:08:00,583 --> 00:08:03,211 'The rare words annoy the punter, 124 00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:06,550 'but they never think about a poet's lot. 125 00:08:06,583 --> 00:08:10,713 'A painter has oils, acrylics and pastels. 126 00:08:10,750 --> 00:08:13,720 'Turpentine, linseed, canvas, sable and hog's hair. 127 00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,628 'A musician has entire machines 128 00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:19,876 'of wood, brass, gut and carbon fiber. 129 00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,753 'The poet, though... Oh, yes, the poor poet. 130 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,674 'Pity the poor bloody poet.' 131 00:08:30,208 --> 00:08:33,257 Roddy? 132 00:08:33,292 --> 00:08:35,761 I'm afraid I can't extend your credit, Mr. Wallace. 133 00:08:38,333 --> 00:08:39,425 Hell. 134 00:08:39,458 --> 00:08:41,631 It's on me. 135 00:08:43,875 --> 00:08:46,719 One of the finest phrases in our language. 136 00:08:49,792 --> 00:08:51,760 Your very good health, madam. 137 00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:54,671 And yours. 138 00:08:54,708 --> 00:08:56,710 You are Ted Wallace, aren't you? 139 00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,209 You may not remember me. 140 00:09:00,250 --> 00:09:01,752 We haven't done the deed, have we? 141 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,344 I'm Jane Swann. 142 00:09:04,375 --> 00:09:08,175 Jane Swann. One of the Berkshire Swanns? 143 00:09:08,208 --> 00:09:14,295 Cast your mind back to a small font, a baby and a rising poet. 144 00:09:19,625 --> 00:09:21,627 I'm Jane Burrell, Rebecca's daughter. 145 00:09:21,667 --> 00:09:24,045 Fuck my best boots! 146 00:09:27,167 --> 00:09:29,340 I haven't seen you since your mother threw me out. 147 00:09:29,375 --> 00:09:31,719 I know. 148 00:09:31,750 --> 00:09:33,798 And I was always very proud of you. 149 00:09:34,042 --> 00:09:35,601 Two of your poems were set text at school. 150 00:09:35,625 --> 00:09:37,218 Oh, you should have written. 151 00:09:37,250 --> 00:09:39,423 I would have come and gabbled at the sixth form. 152 00:09:39,458 --> 00:09:41,711 Well, I hoped I'd find you here. 153 00:09:41,750 --> 00:09:44,754 Where the last of the semi-famous get assholed. 154 00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,844 More than semi-famous. 155 00:09:48,083 --> 00:09:50,506 My friends adore your reviews. 156 00:09:50,542 --> 00:09:52,544 That train has just pulled out, I'm afraid. 157 00:09:52,583 --> 00:09:54,551 Really? 158 00:09:54,583 --> 00:09:57,883 Sooth. You see before you a recently fired man. 159 00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:02,128 That is simply the best news. 160 00:10:02,167 --> 00:10:03,339 Is it? 161 00:10:03,375 --> 00:10:05,548 Will you come home with me? 162 00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:09,631 With pleasure. 163 00:10:12,750 --> 00:10:16,709 'Jane's home lived up to my ripest expectations. 164 00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:19,503 'As degrading a cocktail of over-priced cliches 165 00:10:19,542 --> 00:10:21,886 'can be found outside Beverly Hills. 166 00:10:21,917 --> 00:10:23,635 'Any given surface 167 00:10:23,667 --> 00:10:26,796 'crammed with some mad medley of crystal flacons, 168 00:10:27,042 --> 00:10:29,716 'miscellaneous fertility dildos, 169 00:10:29,750 --> 00:10:31,910 'and a veritable "who's who" of international deities.' 170 00:10:32,125 --> 00:10:34,298 You like? 171 00:10:35,500 --> 00:10:38,470 Like isn't the word. 172 00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:40,173 Some of the pieces are really special. 173 00:10:40,208 --> 00:10:43,417 That thing on the sofa's a Kazakh placenta sheet. 174 00:10:47,333 --> 00:10:50,667 'In the taxi over, Jane had mentioned she had a job for me. 175 00:10:50,708 --> 00:10:52,506 'I demurred, of course, 176 00:10:52,542 --> 00:10:54,840 'and asked to be let out somewhere in St. John's Wood. 177 00:10:54,875 --> 00:10:56,798 'But she told the driver to keep driving 178 00:10:57,042 --> 00:11:00,376 'and assured me I was going to simply love her terrific 179 00:11:00,417 --> 00:11:04,797 'new idea, which she troubling referred to as "the project".' 180 00:11:04,833 --> 00:11:07,131 So. 181 00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,135 Why are we here? 182 00:11:11,625 --> 00:11:13,969 I have a proposition. 183 00:11:15,083 --> 00:11:17,085 That's practically incest. 184 00:11:21,833 --> 00:11:25,007 My doctor tells me I have three months to live. 185 00:11:28,208 --> 00:11:30,336 Leukemia. 186 00:11:30,375 --> 00:11:32,878 Oh. 187 00:11:32,917 --> 00:11:34,885 That's a smeller. 188 00:11:36,833 --> 00:11:38,756 Scared? 189 00:11:40,083 --> 00:11:41,881 Not anymore. 190 00:11:41,917 --> 00:11:45,251 That's ballsy. 191 00:11:45,292 --> 00:11:47,795 But it's a grotty age and a grotty world 192 00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:49,961 and we'll all be joining you soon enough. 193 00:11:51,375 --> 00:11:54,754 Do you believe in miracles? 194 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:58,800 As in calming the storms and feeding the multitudes? 195 00:11:59,042 --> 00:12:02,717 Give us a fag. 196 00:12:03,000 --> 00:12:05,879 A marvelous and mysterious thing has happened to me, 197 00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:08,469 and I want you to investigate it. 198 00:12:08,500 --> 00:12:09,877 I don't know what you have in mind, 199 00:12:09,917 --> 00:12:12,511 but I'm not exactly an investigative journalist. 200 00:12:12,542 --> 00:12:15,876 You sure? No interest? 201 00:12:15,917 --> 00:12:19,876 Well, it might be ungodfatherly of me to suggest, 202 00:12:20,125 --> 00:12:22,059 but it's a racing certainty you're not in your right mind. 203 00:12:22,083 --> 00:12:25,462 Well, you're forgiven. 204 00:12:25,500 --> 00:12:27,878 But it's a pity, because you know the people involved. 205 00:12:27,917 --> 00:12:29,885 My Uncle Michael. 206 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,134 Michael Logan? 207 00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:34,717 And I'd pay you handsomely. 208 00:12:34,750 --> 00:12:38,505 25,000 now and the rest either later or left in my will. 209 00:12:38,542 --> 00:12:40,795 I... I thought you said... 210 00:12:40,833 --> 00:12:44,792 The doctors say I'm going to die. I don't believe I will. 211 00:12:44,833 --> 00:12:49,213 Something happened to me at Swafford Hall. 212 00:12:49,250 --> 00:12:52,174 I want you to go there and find the truth. 213 00:12:52,208 --> 00:12:55,337 And if the truth is you're not cured? 214 00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:57,469 Then I'm dying of leukemia. 215 00:13:01,125 --> 00:13:02,877 $25,000? 216 00:13:03,125 --> 00:13:05,753 A hundred, all told. 217 00:13:05,792 --> 00:13:07,840 Jane, there must be 1,000 journalists 218 00:13:08,083 --> 00:13:10,427 who would do it for a tenth of that sum. 219 00:13:10,458 --> 00:13:11,129 But you're the only one who'd get 220 00:13:11,167 --> 00:13:11,838 through Swaffords front door. 221 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,809 - But Michael... - You're godfather to his son. 222 00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:15,506 Use him as your cover. 223 00:13:15,542 --> 00:13:17,715 Delicious girl, since your mother and I parted ways, 224 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:19,184 I've been as welcome at Swafford as a... 225 00:13:19,208 --> 00:13:21,757 A godson is still a godson. 226 00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,798 Write to David. Wangle an invitation. 227 00:13:26,708 --> 00:13:27,880 And stay in touch. 228 00:13:28,125 --> 00:13:30,503 I could be out of the house 229 00:13:30,542 --> 00:13:33,136 'and filling in a deposit slip in ten minutes. 230 00:13:33,167 --> 00:13:36,216 'Jane was mad, certainly, 231 00:13:36,250 --> 00:13:39,800 'but her check was crossed and endearingly sane. 232 00:13:40,042 --> 00:13:41,794 'I was perfectly happy to labor 233 00:13:42,042 --> 00:13:44,386 'in the service of Jane's delusions, 234 00:13:44,417 --> 00:13:47,842 'but what were those delusions? 235 00:13:47,875 --> 00:13:50,845 'I envied those careless peasants 236 00:13:50,875 --> 00:13:52,843 'tasked to find a needle in a haystack. 237 00:13:53,083 --> 00:13:56,417 'Mine was a more elusive quarry, 238 00:13:56,458 --> 00:14:01,840 'an unholy mating of wild goose and shaggy dog. 239 00:14:02,083 --> 00:14:05,166 'My last visit to Swafford had been amusing enough, 240 00:14:05,208 --> 00:14:07,757 'but hardly revealing of miracles.' 241 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:22,503 ♪ Now the pale moon shining 242 00:14:25,083 --> 00:14:27,302 ♪ On the fields below 243 00:14:29,375 --> 00:14:31,798 ♪ The folks are crooning 244 00:14:32,042 --> 00:14:34,340 ♪ Soft and low 245 00:14:35,792 --> 00:14:37,794 You needn't tell me, boy, 246 00:14:38,042 --> 00:14:42,878 I Because I know 247 00:14:42,917 --> 00:14:46,501 I When it's sleepy time down south... 248 00:14:48,417 --> 00:14:50,260 Thanks for picking me up, Simon. 249 00:14:50,292 --> 00:14:52,886 Davey wanted to come, 250 00:14:52,917 --> 00:14:55,887 but I thought you'd enjoy the two-seater more. 251 00:14:56,125 --> 00:14:57,672 Built it myself. 252 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,594 Davey says you're a poet. 253 00:15:03,625 --> 00:15:06,469 That's the rumor. 254 00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:08,377 Do one. 255 00:15:10,042 --> 00:15:11,715 Do one? 256 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,798 A poem. 257 00:15:16,917 --> 00:15:20,342 There was a young man called Simon, 258 00:15:20,375 --> 00:15:23,504 who hated the art of rhyming. 259 00:15:25,375 --> 00:15:28,800 He thought it a shame that his very own name 260 00:15:28,833 --> 00:15:31,461 could only be mated with "hymen." 261 00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:35,130 Ha-ha-ha! Genius. 262 00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,670 A limerick's the best I can do at 60 miles an hour. 263 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,628 ♪ Hold your hats 264 00:15:43,667 --> 00:15:46,671 The roof is 'bout to tumble in 265 00:15:46,708 --> 00:15:49,507 ♪ Holy cats 266 00:15:49,542 --> 00:15:52,136 ♪ The walls and floors are crumblin' 267 00:15:52,167 --> 00:15:54,886 ♪ Hellzapoppin' 268 00:15:54,917 --> 00:15:57,511 ♪ Hellzapoppin' 269 00:15:57,542 --> 00:16:00,751 ♪ Hellzapoppin' 270 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,968 ♪ The whole gang's whoopin' up the whoop-de-doo ♪ 271 00:16:07,375 --> 00:16:10,299 'Swafford Hall. 272 00:16:10,333 --> 00:16:13,303 'The home of the Logan family since 1984 273 00:16:13,333 --> 00:16:15,677 'when globetrotting tycoon Michael Logan 274 00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:18,552 'debased himself for love 275 00:16:18,583 --> 00:16:19,943 'by marrying into the cash-strapped 276 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,718 British aristocracy. 277 00:16:22,000 --> 00:16:23,809 'After doing something sinister for Margaret Thatcher 278 00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:26,336 'in the late 1980s, 279 00:16:26,375 --> 00:16:29,834 'Michael was rebranded "Lord Logan of Swafford" 280 00:16:30,083 --> 00:16:32,302 'and has since successfully managed the great house 281 00:16:32,333 --> 00:16:33,755 'as a personal fiefdom, 282 00:16:33,792 --> 00:16:35,840 'without compromising himself 283 00:16:36,083 --> 00:16:37,843 'by running a wedding venue or boutique hotel 284 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:41,379 'or, god forbid, a safari park.' 285 00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:48,797 Uncle Edward! 286 00:16:49,042 --> 00:16:51,716 Uncle Edward! 287 00:16:51,750 --> 00:16:54,128 - Ah. Davey. - Uncle Edward! 288 00:16:54,167 --> 00:16:56,886 - Uncle Edward! Uncle Edward! - Davey. 289 00:16:56,917 --> 00:16:59,761 - Uncle Edward! - Well met. 290 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,844 Hello, Uncle Edward. Hello, Uncle Edward! 291 00:17:03,083 --> 00:17:07,418 - Oh! Oh! Ha-ha! - Just... just plain Ted. 292 00:17:07,458 --> 00:17:09,881 Well, come on, Uncle Ted! We've got so much to talk about! 293 00:17:10,125 --> 00:17:11,752 Uh! Ooh! 294 00:17:11,792 --> 00:17:13,510 Oh. Uh! 295 00:17:19,542 --> 00:17:23,627 Ah! Podmore, is it not? 296 00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:26,295 Welcome back to Swafford, Mr. Wallace. 297 00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:28,711 Hm. 298 00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:30,768 Oh, er... don't worry. I'll show Uncle Ted the house. 299 00:17:30,792 --> 00:17:34,592 Oh, very well, Master David. 300 00:17:34,625 --> 00:17:38,084 And then after dinner, I can take you round the east wing. 301 00:17:45,458 --> 00:17:48,712 Oh. Whiskey's right, isn't it? 302 00:17:48,750 --> 00:17:50,673 Indeed. 303 00:17:51,708 --> 00:17:54,302 But first perhaps a bath. 304 00:17:57,542 --> 00:17:59,670 Er... followed by, conceivably... 305 00:18:01,042 --> 00:18:02,794 a nap. 306 00:18:09,083 --> 00:18:11,381 Well, um... when you've... 307 00:18:13,583 --> 00:18:15,836 I'll be on the south lawn... 308 00:18:17,042 --> 00:18:19,295 in case you wanted a chat. 309 00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:21,505 Bye. 310 00:18:30,917 --> 00:18:33,545 'Since becoming his godfather, 311 00:18:33,583 --> 00:18:36,712 'I had exchanged a series of letters with young David. 312 00:18:36,750 --> 00:18:39,549 'Mine, brief and infrequent 313 00:18:39,583 --> 00:18:40,976 'and only occasionally freighted with 314 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,673 a crumpled fiver. 315 00:18:42,708 --> 00:18:45,757 'His, almost monthly, impossibly tedious 316 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:48,762 'and often in iambic pentameter. 317 00:18:59,458 --> 00:19:01,506 'He looked up to his father, Michael, 318 00:19:01,542 --> 00:19:04,386 'like a tiny daisy looks to the sky, 319 00:19:04,417 --> 00:19:07,842 'wishing he'll grow up to be the blazing ball of the sun. 320 00:19:09,208 --> 00:19:10,710 'The truth is, 321 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,879 'that men like Michael were never willowy teenage poets. 322 00:19:14,125 --> 00:19:16,674 'They were the prep-school bullies 323 00:19:16,708 --> 00:19:19,336 'punching the tuck money out of cretinous boys like David 324 00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:22,584 'and blowing it on fags and jazz mags. 325 00:19:24,708 --> 00:19:26,881 'Well, I'm here at least. 326 00:19:27,125 --> 00:19:28,877 'How long I'll stay depends, I suppose, 327 00:19:28,917 --> 00:19:32,126 'on the kind of reception Michael gives me. 328 00:19:34,750 --> 00:19:37,674 'Michael and I were once the best of friends, 329 00:19:37,708 --> 00:19:41,212 'but a lot of water has passed under that particular bridge. 330 00:19:41,250 --> 00:19:43,753 'Then the bridge has been dynamited by a core of engineers 331 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:45,593 'and washed down river 332 00:19:45,625 --> 00:19:48,754 'into a vast ocean of frosty indifference. 333 00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:51,094 'It's a long story.' 334 00:19:57,042 --> 00:19:59,386 Ted. 335 00:19:59,417 --> 00:20:02,296 My love. 336 00:20:02,333 --> 00:20:04,882 - Mwah! Mwah! - Mm. 337 00:20:05,125 --> 00:20:08,299 You're looking younger. Lost some of that fat. 338 00:20:09,708 --> 00:20:11,836 And you're looking... 339 00:20:11,875 --> 00:20:13,843 wetter. 340 00:20:14,083 --> 00:20:15,881 Tea? 341 00:20:15,917 --> 00:20:17,214 Cake? 342 00:20:19,333 --> 00:20:20,960 - It is so good to see you. - HM! 343 00:20:22,792 --> 00:20:25,511 Where's Michael? 344 00:20:25,542 --> 00:20:27,260 He wants to have a date with you. 345 00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:28,885 - Mm. - Before dinner. 346 00:20:28,917 --> 00:20:30,885 Ah, best get it over with. 347 00:20:31,125 --> 00:20:34,504 Hm. The stock platitude of the untroubled mind. 348 00:20:35,708 --> 00:20:36,800 I wish. 349 00:20:36,833 --> 00:20:39,177 Oh, my love, what is it? 350 00:20:39,208 --> 00:20:42,382 - It's david. - Tell his godfather. 351 00:20:42,417 --> 00:20:44,817 He... he's doing very well at school, and he is a lovely boy. 352 00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,378 It's just that he's a bit... 353 00:20:49,250 --> 00:20:51,469 odd with people. 354 00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:52,717 Well, Roman's a goth. 355 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,798 He's a bit odd with people all the time. 356 00:20:55,042 --> 00:20:56,669 Well, if only it was a matter of... 357 00:20:56,708 --> 00:20:58,881 of black eyeliner and clothes. 358 00:20:58,917 --> 00:21:01,386 Give me a "for instance". 359 00:21:01,417 --> 00:21:05,502 Well, at a dinner party last weekend, he asked the local MP, 360 00:21:05,542 --> 00:21:08,261 "Which animal do you think has the longest penis?" 361 00:21:10,167 --> 00:21:13,467 She laughed and snapped the stem of her wine glass. 362 00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:15,127 He persisted. 363 00:21:15,167 --> 00:21:17,670 She said the sperm whale. 364 00:21:18,750 --> 00:21:21,629 He said, "No, 365 00:21:21,667 --> 00:21:24,420 "the male rabbit flea's erect penis is two thirds 366 00:21:24,458 --> 00:21:27,257 the length of his body. Isn't that wonderful?" 367 00:21:27,292 --> 00:21:28,726 Only if the female has a sufficiently 368 00:21:28,750 --> 00:21:29,592 elastic accommodation. 369 00:21:29,625 --> 00:21:32,834 He's 16. He ought to know how to avoid flustering people. 370 00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:35,754 Ah, teenagers are obsessed with sex. 371 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:38,719 He's pushing the boundaries, finding his space. 372 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,219 It's normal. 373 00:21:41,250 --> 00:21:43,298 Would you just keep an eye? 374 00:21:43,333 --> 00:21:46,212 Both eyes. That's why I'm here. 375 00:21:48,375 --> 00:21:50,719 'You're late. I had to start my practice.' 376 00:21:50,750 --> 00:21:52,343 I was sleuthing. 377 00:21:52,375 --> 00:21:55,174 Jesus suffering fuck! 378 00:21:55,208 --> 00:21:58,792 'Well, I expect you to be on time. What have you seen?' 379 00:21:59,042 --> 00:22:02,751 Simon is the boring teen all-England trophy holder. 380 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:08,211 David is, well... I don't know what David is yet. 381 00:22:08,250 --> 00:22:10,218 But I've seen no sign of anything even 382 00:22:10,250 --> 00:22:11,422 faintly miraculous. 383 00:22:11,458 --> 00:22:13,018 'I'm not sure I'm getting value for money.' 384 00:22:13,042 --> 00:22:15,841 Honey-munch, just tell me. 385 00:22:16,083 --> 00:22:18,381 Don't tantalize. Tell me. 386 00:22:18,417 --> 00:22:21,717 'If you're not objective, there's no point.' 387 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:25,675 You need to keep your eyes open and see what needs to be seen. 388 00:22:25,708 --> 00:22:30,464 'Christ, she's absolutely fucking bat-infested. 389 00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:32,018 'Right now, though, I have a pressing engagement 390 00:22:32,042 --> 00:22:34,420 'to be the recipient 391 00:22:34,458 --> 00:22:35,835 'of some of Michael's old-fashioned 392 00:22:36,083 --> 00:22:37,255 mafia boss disapproval.' 393 00:22:37,292 --> 00:22:39,340 Humiliating her on television! 394 00:22:39,375 --> 00:22:41,503 Late-night television. 395 00:22:41,542 --> 00:22:44,671 'I told you it's a long story, 396 00:22:44,708 --> 00:22:47,507 'a long and complicated story.' 397 00:22:47,542 --> 00:22:49,715 Look, I cared about her too much 398 00:22:49,750 --> 00:22:53,425 to make her a future ex-wife. 399 00:22:57,500 --> 00:22:59,844 - So... - So? 400 00:23:00,083 --> 00:23:02,461 So, tell me your tale. 401 00:23:02,500 --> 00:23:04,468 Your... your life is a mess, you've lost your job, 402 00:23:04,500 --> 00:23:06,298 and you've come to Swafford to... 403 00:23:07,417 --> 00:23:09,215 To... 404 00:23:09,250 --> 00:23:11,503 Hang out with David. 405 00:23:11,542 --> 00:23:13,670 You took your time, getting in touch. 406 00:23:13,708 --> 00:23:16,587 Well, it's... it's been a few years, I... I admit, 407 00:23:16,625 --> 00:23:19,754 but, er... I bumped into Jane and... And that got me thinking. 408 00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:22,423 Thinking? What? 409 00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:27,299 Tell me why you're really here. 410 00:23:28,417 --> 00:23:30,294 I... you know, 411 00:23:30,333 --> 00:23:33,667 er... after the job, 412 00:23:33,708 --> 00:23:36,336 I'd been looking for, er... something to do 413 00:23:36,375 --> 00:23:40,460 and I think you'd make an amazing subject for a biography. 414 00:23:43,667 --> 00:23:45,795 You fucking journalist! 415 00:23:46,042 --> 00:23:48,761 A... a tame one at... at the very worst. 416 00:23:48,792 --> 00:23:52,171 No biography. No snooping. Nothing. 417 00:23:52,208 --> 00:23:54,711 I promise you, it'd be no hatchet job. 418 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:56,126 Get out of my house. 419 00:23:56,167 --> 00:23:57,339 Michael, I'm... I'm sorry. 420 00:23:57,375 --> 00:24:00,174 For... forget I mentioned it. 421 00:24:00,208 --> 00:24:02,381 I do not trust you. 422 00:24:04,375 --> 00:24:06,548 No, I see that. 423 00:24:10,500 --> 00:24:16,337 Look, Anne is worried about David. 424 00:24:16,375 --> 00:24:17,684 There's no point denying I made an almighty mess 425 00:24:17,708 --> 00:24:18,129 with your sister, 426 00:24:18,167 --> 00:24:20,841 but to put courage into a clicé, 427 00:24:21,083 --> 00:24:23,802 all is fair in love and war. 428 00:24:23,833 --> 00:24:25,710 But not when it's played out in public. 429 00:24:25,750 --> 00:24:28,720 Yes, I understand. 430 00:24:30,875 --> 00:24:32,875 And on that understanding, I'm supposed to... What? 431 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,469 Give you a second chance? 432 00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:38,299 As a godfather. 433 00:24:38,333 --> 00:24:41,837 I promise, I won't put so much as a look out of place. 434 00:24:42,083 --> 00:24:43,300 I'll be watching. 435 00:24:43,333 --> 00:24:44,801 Understood. 436 00:24:48,083 --> 00:24:50,962 Well, welcome back to Swafford. 437 00:24:58,042 --> 00:24:59,760 'It's been more than a decade 438 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:03,334 'since Michael and I last crossed paths, 439 00:25:03,375 --> 00:25:05,469 'although he crops up in the papers fairly frequently 440 00:25:05,500 --> 00:25:07,548 'as the highly celebrated C.E.O. 441 00:25:07,583 --> 00:25:11,793 'of this or that vast company. 442 00:25:12,042 --> 00:25:14,636 'That stands for Chief Executive Officer 443 00:25:14,667 --> 00:25:16,840 'and is, I believe, a sort of cross 444 00:25:16,875 --> 00:25:19,048 'between a managing director and a cunt. 445 00:25:22,167 --> 00:25:25,250 'When a man like Michael says he's watching you, 446 00:25:25,292 --> 00:25:26,476 'you may as well be getting that news 447 00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:29,049 'from a great white shark.' 448 00:25:32,458 --> 00:25:34,381 Fuck! 449 00:25:34,417 --> 00:25:36,545 Oh! Fuck. 450 00:25:43,833 --> 00:25:45,085 David? 451 00:25:50,917 --> 00:25:53,170 'Assuming that whatever enticed David from the house 452 00:25:53,208 --> 00:25:54,881 'at just shy of 5 A.M. 453 00:25:54,917 --> 00:25:57,761 'was either fun or trouble, 454 00:25:58,000 --> 00:25:59,627 'I followed his tracks in the dew, 455 00:25:59,667 --> 00:26:01,795 'but discovered them to be a line of footprints 456 00:26:02,042 --> 00:26:03,965 'leading nowhere.' 457 00:26:10,292 --> 00:26:12,715 Ow! Oh! 458 00:26:16,042 --> 00:26:19,546 'Feeling like 12 types of dick, 459 00:26:19,583 --> 00:26:21,756 'I was suddenly struck by an image of David 460 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:26,506 'sprouting wings and flying away. 461 00:26:26,542 --> 00:26:30,001 'Certainly, that would be a miracle worth investigating.' 462 00:26:31,500 --> 00:26:33,252 Ow! Ow! 463 00:26:33,292 --> 00:26:34,589 Fuck off! Shite! 464 00:26:41,333 --> 00:26:43,711 Oh. Oh. 465 00:26:51,542 --> 00:26:52,759 Mm. 466 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,298 Oh! 467 00:27:54,208 --> 00:27:56,631 The things I do for money. 468 00:28:04,875 --> 00:28:06,798 Oh. 469 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:14,298 'How is a person supposed to investigate 470 00:28:14,333 --> 00:28:16,711 'nothing in particular? 471 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:18,468 'It's like hiring Sherlock Holmes 472 00:28:18,500 --> 00:28:21,379 'when no crime has been committed. 473 00:28:21,417 --> 00:28:22,885 'I'm beginning to see why 474 00:28:23,125 --> 00:28:25,298 'he spent so much time playing the fiddle 475 00:28:25,333 --> 00:28:29,213 'and getting smashed out of his head on cocaine.' 476 00:28:29,250 --> 00:28:30,877 on the guest list. 477 00:28:31,125 --> 00:28:34,709 Wants to check if we have a defibrillator. 478 00:28:34,750 --> 00:28:36,548 There's quite a few dietary requirements. 479 00:28:36,583 --> 00:28:39,177 Oh. 480 00:28:39,208 --> 00:28:41,836 Oh, may I help, Mr. Wallace? 481 00:28:42,083 --> 00:28:43,835 Ah. 482 00:28:44,083 --> 00:28:47,292 Yes. Podmore. 483 00:28:47,333 --> 00:28:50,303 Could someone fix the curtain rail in my room? 484 00:28:50,333 --> 00:28:52,427 It seems to have come down in the night. 485 00:28:52,458 --> 00:28:54,506 Of course, sir. 486 00:28:54,542 --> 00:28:56,795 Much obliged. Oh, what's this? The weekend guest list? 487 00:28:56,833 --> 00:28:59,177 This should be interesting. 488 00:28:59,208 --> 00:29:02,257 May I? 489 00:29:02,292 --> 00:29:03,885 Oliver Mills. 490 00:29:04,125 --> 00:29:07,379 He's probably claiming a trendy intolerance. 491 00:29:07,417 --> 00:29:11,752 Angina? 492 00:29:11,792 --> 00:29:14,511 'With its promise of aristocratic splendor, 493 00:29:14,542 --> 00:29:17,591 'and a degree of luxury that approaches debauchery 494 00:29:17,625 --> 00:29:20,299 'Swafford attracts a motley caravan 495 00:29:20,333 --> 00:29:22,711 'of tight-assed bourgeois and nervous bohemians, 496 00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:24,593 'who roll up the driveway, 497 00:29:24,625 --> 00:29:27,549 'misusing the word "weekend" as a verb, 498 00:29:27,583 --> 00:29:30,257 'and wondering how soon they might send an underling 499 00:29:30,292 --> 00:29:33,671 'down into Swafford's world-class wine cellar.' 500 00:29:35,792 --> 00:29:39,171 Madame Valerie Richmonde and Mademoiselle Clara. 501 00:29:41,417 --> 00:29:43,886 'Well, who is this charmingly high-breasted 502 00:29:44,125 --> 00:29:46,344 'and fiercely fuckable creature 503 00:29:46,375 --> 00:29:48,218 'with an air of contemptuous indifference?' 504 00:29:48,250 --> 00:29:50,252 - Come along. - 'Bonjour, Madame.' 505 00:29:50,292 --> 00:29:53,171 Merci. My bags. 506 00:29:53,208 --> 00:29:54,881 Ted Wallace. 507 00:29:55,125 --> 00:29:56,877 Oh, I thought you were a servant. 508 00:29:57,125 --> 00:29:59,469 No. A poet. 509 00:29:59,500 --> 00:30:01,594 Oh. 510 00:30:01,625 --> 00:30:03,468 And Michael's oldest friend. 511 00:30:04,792 --> 00:30:06,419 Of course. 512 00:30:08,458 --> 00:30:12,838 Also David's godfather. 513 00:30:13,083 --> 00:30:16,132 I'm responsible for his spiritual development. 514 00:30:16,167 --> 00:30:18,295 You are? 515 00:30:18,333 --> 00:30:20,882 This is my daughter Clara. 516 00:30:21,125 --> 00:30:24,379 Maybe you and her can be friends. 517 00:30:24,417 --> 00:30:26,761 Ah. And you must, of course, be David. 518 00:30:26,792 --> 00:30:30,422 Jane has told me everything about you. 519 00:30:30,458 --> 00:30:34,338 I have been looking forward to meeting you. 520 00:30:34,375 --> 00:30:37,754 'From the presumably fragrant loin of Madame Valerie 521 00:30:37,792 --> 00:30:40,591 'had sprung a daughter most woundingly plain. 522 00:30:40,625 --> 00:30:42,719 'I had no sure knowledge of her paternal lineage, 523 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:44,673 'but I would hazard a guess 524 00:30:44,708 --> 00:30:47,427 'that this snaggletoothed myopic hobbit 525 00:30:47,458 --> 00:30:50,837 'may have been conceived on a visit to middle earth. 526 00:30:50,875 --> 00:30:52,718 'Nature can be unbearably cruel. 527 00:30:58,458 --> 00:31:00,256 'Regrettably, I was about to be thrust 528 00:31:00,292 --> 00:31:01,292 into my worst nightmare.' 529 00:31:02,458 --> 00:31:04,131 'Having to spend an entire weekend 530 00:31:04,167 --> 00:31:06,886 'with one of my oldest friends, 531 00:31:07,125 --> 00:31:08,593 'the celebrated theater director 532 00:31:08,625 --> 00:31:11,799 and prolific buggerist Oliver Mills.' 533 00:31:11,833 --> 00:31:13,460 - I seldom find that... - Oh! 534 00:31:13,500 --> 00:31:16,709 - Violence is the answer. - Jesus! Jesus, Oliver! 535 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:18,018 Did Michael not attach a security memo 536 00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:18,713 to your invitation? 537 00:31:18,750 --> 00:31:20,844 No. In fact, I'm probably on it. 538 00:31:21,083 --> 00:31:23,131 Would you? 539 00:31:23,167 --> 00:31:26,341 Oh, poor, pompous Hippopotamus. 540 00:31:26,375 --> 00:31:29,504 Ha-ha! Ha. 541 00:31:29,542 --> 00:31:31,434 Has His Lordship not made you the most welcome of guests? 542 00:31:31,458 --> 00:31:35,793 Actually, I'm here to see David. 543 00:31:36,042 --> 00:31:38,761 Oh. You know? Oh, dear, what is it? What ills you? 544 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:39,751 You can tell me. 545 00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:44,710 Ills? He's my godson. What do you mean? 546 00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,298 Ah. Oh, is that the clitter-clatter 547 00:31:47,333 --> 00:31:50,883 of cutlery on china? Let's not be late for lunch. 548 00:31:50,917 --> 00:31:54,126 'Hopefully, it was the sound of the plot thickening. 549 00:31:54,167 --> 00:31:56,215 'I was going to have to start making some meaningful 550 00:31:56,250 --> 00:31:58,594 'progress or risk spending the entire summer 551 00:31:58,625 --> 00:32:02,505 'in the company of these "camarades".' 552 00:32:02,542 --> 00:32:04,715 Ahem! I hear you've had a particularly successful 553 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:06,752 year with the stud? 554 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,799 Well, yes, finally, we had some good results at Hickstead. 555 00:32:09,833 --> 00:32:11,551 - Ah. - Thanks to him. 556 00:32:11,583 --> 00:32:13,506 I'm particularly proud of... of our woodlands. 557 00:32:13,542 --> 00:32:16,295 All native species. 558 00:32:16,333 --> 00:32:18,643 Well, it's the kind of green that only the British can bear. 559 00:32:18,667 --> 00:32:20,260 Oh, if you don't like the countryside, 560 00:32:20,292 --> 00:32:23,171 what brings you to Swafford? 561 00:32:23,208 --> 00:32:25,711 I am purchasing Li-lac for my daughter. 562 00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,718 - Li-lac? - Lilac, our gray mare. 563 00:32:28,000 --> 00:32:30,844 I've been taking riding lessons. 564 00:32:31,083 --> 00:32:32,835 Yes, and we can go down and see her 565 00:32:32,875 --> 00:32:34,593 - in the stables after lunch. - Yes. 566 00:32:34,625 --> 00:32:35,809 You could help me muck out, if you like. 567 00:32:35,833 --> 00:32:38,507 Oh, I would like that very much. 568 00:32:38,542 --> 00:32:40,715 Cool. 569 00:32:40,750 --> 00:32:44,584 A hunchback who now also shovels shit. Quelle fortune! 570 00:32:44,625 --> 00:32:47,834 - Don't slouch. - Je m'excuse, Mére. 571 00:32:47,875 --> 00:32:50,173 I'm dying for some of that. 572 00:32:50,208 --> 00:32:52,802 Ha-ha, not just figuratively. 573 00:32:53,042 --> 00:32:55,170 You know? 574 00:32:55,208 --> 00:32:56,710 Pod more see-eth, Pod more heareth, 575 00:32:56,750 --> 00:32:59,378 Podmore telleth Ted Wallace. 576 00:33:00,500 --> 00:33:02,377 Ah. 577 00:33:02,417 --> 00:33:04,590 Is that why you're here? 578 00:33:04,625 --> 00:33:07,799 Ha-ha-ha-ha! No, no. 579 00:33:07,833 --> 00:33:09,756 No, I've got a delicious new play 580 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:12,628 which Michael is going to fund. 581 00:33:12,667 --> 00:33:14,135 Am I? 582 00:33:18,208 --> 00:33:20,302 Has anyone seen David? 583 00:33:29,583 --> 00:33:31,756 'Child of trees and son of earth 584 00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:35,425 'lies in wait for his rebirth 585 00:33:35,458 --> 00:33:38,177 'beneath the trees he hides alone 586 00:33:38,208 --> 00:33:41,712 'beneath your feet this boy unknown 587 00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:44,879 'lies in his cradle hidden from sight 588 00:33:44,917 --> 00:33:46,885 'buried like seed 589 00:33:47,125 --> 00:33:49,298 'his seed so white 590 00:33:49,333 --> 00:33:52,132 'he gives himself the kiss of peace 591 00:33:52,167 --> 00:33:55,626 'his seed doth sprout with sweet release.' 592 00:33:55,667 --> 00:33:56,759 Well. 593 00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:59,128 'Fuck me.' 594 00:34:00,208 --> 00:34:01,300 Gosh. 595 00:34:01,333 --> 00:34:03,381 I... I'd like you to keep it. 596 00:34:05,083 --> 00:34:07,006 Lovely. 597 00:34:09,083 --> 00:34:10,881 Has Mummy spoken to you about me? 598 00:34:10,917 --> 00:34:12,794 Why do you ask that? 599 00:34:12,833 --> 00:34:15,882 I worry her. I can see it in her eyes. 600 00:34:16,125 --> 00:34:19,755 Mothers worry. It's in their job description. 601 00:34:20,000 --> 00:34:22,378 Well, I worry her more than Simon. 602 00:34:22,417 --> 00:34:25,546 Simon doesn't treat strangers to nuggets of penile data. 603 00:34:25,583 --> 00:34:27,381 - He's safe. - Meaning I'm unsafe? 604 00:34:27,417 --> 00:34:30,170 I should bloody well hope so. 605 00:34:30,208 --> 00:34:31,851 I'm not having a godson of mine running around the place, 606 00:34:31,875 --> 00:34:34,719 being anything other than wild and dangerous. 607 00:34:37,750 --> 00:34:40,299 Why are people embarrassed about sexual things? 608 00:34:40,333 --> 00:34:41,880 I'm not. 609 00:34:42,125 --> 00:34:46,505 In my opinion, people are more embarrassed about love than sex. 610 00:34:46,542 --> 00:34:48,510 What makes you think that? 611 00:34:48,542 --> 00:34:50,260 They never talk about it. 612 00:34:50,292 --> 00:34:52,340 It's all anyone ever talks about. 613 00:34:52,375 --> 00:34:53,518 Love, love, love. Love is all you need. 614 00:34:53,542 --> 00:34:55,795 Love makes the world go round. 615 00:34:55,833 --> 00:34:57,801 90 per cent of the world's poetry is about love. 616 00:34:58,042 --> 00:35:01,592 With swift, slow; 617 00:35:01,625 --> 00:35:03,719 sweet, sour; 618 00:35:03,750 --> 00:35:06,344 adazzle, dim; 619 00:35:06,375 --> 00:35:12,257 He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change; Praise Him. 620 00:35:12,292 --> 00:35:16,877 Oh, god. Of course. You like Hopkins. 621 00:35:16,917 --> 00:35:20,876 The greats know that poetry is how we allow 622 00:35:21,125 --> 00:35:23,344 nature to speak to us. 623 00:35:23,375 --> 00:35:24,877 - Wordsworth? - No, you chump. 624 00:35:24,917 --> 00:35:26,214 My heart leaps up. 625 00:35:26,250 --> 00:35:28,469 On my couch I lie. 626 00:35:28,500 --> 00:35:29,797 I wandered lonely as a cloud. 627 00:35:30,042 --> 00:35:32,545 He's an egomaniacal onanist. 628 00:35:32,583 --> 00:35:35,177 Wordsworth did not masturbate. 629 00:35:35,208 --> 00:35:37,552 He's a fucking tea-towel writer! 630 00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:43,674 Look, young pup, 631 00:35:43,708 --> 00:35:45,756 my heart rejoices that you want to be a poet, 632 00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:48,018 but I bet you can't name a profession with less use, 633 00:35:48,042 --> 00:35:49,669 less chance, less point, 634 00:35:49,708 --> 00:35:51,802 less status and fewer prospects. 635 00:35:52,042 --> 00:35:53,464 Sewage engineer. 636 00:35:53,500 --> 00:35:55,798 Ha! Alright. 637 00:35:56,042 --> 00:35:58,761 Scenario one. 638 00:35:58,792 --> 00:36:01,170 All the poets in England, Scotland, Wales, 639 00:36:01,208 --> 00:36:02,801 and Northern Ireland go on strike. 640 00:36:02,833 --> 00:36:05,256 Impact, nil. 641 00:36:05,292 --> 00:36:08,796 Misery, nil. 14 years before anyone even notices. 642 00:36:09,042 --> 00:36:11,420 Scenario two. 643 00:36:11,458 --> 00:36:13,426 All the sewage engineers in London alone 644 00:36:13,458 --> 00:36:15,131 go on strike. 645 00:36:15,167 --> 00:36:18,467 Impact, turds and tampons flopping out of your tap. 646 00:36:18,500 --> 00:36:21,219 Scum and ooze where e'er you walk. 647 00:36:21,250 --> 00:36:24,459 Misery. Hardship. Newsworthiness high. 648 00:36:27,500 --> 00:36:32,427 You do still believe in poetry? 649 00:36:32,458 --> 00:36:35,712 Its power to change the world. You do still care? 650 00:36:35,750 --> 00:36:38,629 Oh, Christ. Not you as well. 651 00:36:41,667 --> 00:36:43,761 Look, of course I do. 652 00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:45,843 It... It's just... 653 00:36:45,875 --> 00:36:48,469 Hard work. 654 00:36:48,500 --> 00:36:51,674 You want gold, you break your back down a mine. 655 00:36:51,708 --> 00:36:54,587 It doesn't just float from the sky in gleaming bars. 656 00:37:01,250 --> 00:37:03,218 Alright? 657 00:37:05,333 --> 00:37:06,801 Grand. 658 00:37:07,042 --> 00:37:11,377 All this talk of poetry has awoken my appetite. 659 00:37:11,417 --> 00:37:14,591 Time for a second stanza of your mother's cream cake. 660 00:37:27,792 --> 00:37:29,669 I'll put the kettle on. 661 00:37:30,875 --> 00:37:32,877 Oh...! 662 00:37:34,000 --> 00:37:35,718 Phwah! 663 00:37:37,250 --> 00:37:38,968 Fuck! 664 00:37:40,042 --> 00:37:41,635 Another bath? 665 00:37:41,667 --> 00:37:43,214 My center of gravity has shifted 666 00:37:43,250 --> 00:37:45,878 since my last time in a coxless pair. 667 00:37:45,917 --> 00:37:46,976 - You found David, then? - Yes. 668 00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:48,718 And read some of his poetry. 669 00:37:49,000 --> 00:37:50,627 I've got some of it here, in fact. 670 00:37:50,667 --> 00:37:53,216 He seems, in his own graceful way, 671 00:37:53,250 --> 00:37:54,434 to have been recording a wank in the woods. 672 00:37:54,458 --> 00:37:55,550 Well, any good? 673 00:37:55,583 --> 00:37:56,800 What, the poetry or the wank? 674 00:37:56,833 --> 00:37:58,551 Ted. 675 00:37:58,583 --> 00:37:59,601 - You know if he does it much? - Oh, please. 676 00:37:59,625 --> 00:38:01,218 Look, my love, 677 00:38:01,250 --> 00:38:03,127 you asked me to keep an eye on him and I have. 678 00:38:03,167 --> 00:38:05,135 And if Wanking's what he's doing... 679 00:38:05,167 --> 00:38:06,684 Certain things, a mother doesn't need to know about in full. 680 00:38:06,708 --> 00:38:08,381 I understand, 681 00:38:08,417 --> 00:38:10,886 but I'm not being prurient just for the pleasure of it. 682 00:38:11,125 --> 00:38:13,127 I've spent most of my life skipping after women, 683 00:38:13,167 --> 00:38:14,794 like a puppy trying to please his master. 684 00:38:14,833 --> 00:38:17,427 And the rest, pleasing myself. 685 00:38:17,458 --> 00:38:19,802 And that's fine. I'm a heartier fellow for it. 686 00:38:19,833 --> 00:38:22,803 But if your son is writing metaphysical art spunk 687 00:38:23,042 --> 00:38:24,464 and not simply filling soft fabrics 688 00:38:24,500 --> 00:38:26,423 with human hand cream, 689 00:38:26,458 --> 00:38:28,131 then there is a problem. 690 00:38:28,167 --> 00:38:30,420 Which is? 691 00:38:30,458 --> 00:38:33,337 Mum, I think you should come to the stables quickly. 692 00:38:33,375 --> 00:38:34,718 Lilac's sick. 693 00:38:35,000 --> 00:38:36,217 Oh, shit. 694 00:38:51,542 --> 00:38:54,625 Well, if the horse is sick, he must do something. 695 00:38:54,667 --> 00:38:56,590 Yeah, well, I'm... I'm sure he will. 696 00:38:56,625 --> 00:38:58,018 But first we have to find the little fellow. 697 00:38:58,042 --> 00:38:59,715 Don't you have faith? 698 00:39:00,000 --> 00:39:03,425 Faith's great, but it'd be nice to have a soupcon of proof. 699 00:39:11,375 --> 00:39:12,601 This is a rather drastic course of action, 700 00:39:12,625 --> 00:39:13,797 don't you think? 701 00:39:14,042 --> 00:39:16,340 - She was fine yesterday. - It's fast-acting. 702 00:39:16,375 --> 00:39:18,753 She'll have complete renal failure. 703 00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:22,880 There's no ragwort in her field. 704 00:39:22,917 --> 00:39:23,839 Then do you have another explanation for 705 00:39:23,875 --> 00:39:25,343 the blood in her stool? 706 00:39:25,375 --> 00:39:30,711 No, but it's not an explanation for the blood in her spittle. 707 00:39:30,750 --> 00:39:32,127 I'm sorry, Clara. 708 00:39:32,167 --> 00:39:34,465 I think we're going to have to put Lilac down. 709 00:39:34,500 --> 00:39:38,255 But I didn't even get to ride her. 710 00:39:38,292 --> 00:39:40,044 Come on. Let's go back to the house. 711 00:39:45,625 --> 00:39:49,129 I'm so sorry, Valerie. This is just very bad timing. 712 00:39:49,167 --> 00:39:51,268 But there is a chance that she will recover? 713 00:39:51,292 --> 00:39:54,796 It's a sadness, yes, but Anne has a lot of experience. 714 00:39:54,833 --> 00:39:59,213 We need time for a miracle. 715 00:39:59,250 --> 00:40:01,252 'Hercule Poirot could probably take a cursory 716 00:40:01,292 --> 00:40:01,713 glance at this group 717 00:40:02,000 --> 00:40:03,752 'and glean all sorts of useful ammunition 718 00:40:03,792 --> 00:40:06,762 'for his denouements. 719 00:40:06,792 --> 00:40:08,760 'But if any of this amounts to any sort of clue, 720 00:40:09,000 --> 00:40:11,753 'it's absolutely wasted on me.' 721 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:13,627 I think you're being very premature. 722 00:40:15,333 --> 00:40:17,335 - Oh, mon Dieu! - David. 723 00:40:17,375 --> 00:40:20,504 Don't touch her. Don't. 724 00:40:20,542 --> 00:40:23,216 A sick horse can be very dangerous. 725 00:40:23,250 --> 00:40:26,504 - Come on, come away. - It's not right. 726 00:40:26,542 --> 00:40:29,295 - What happened? - I'll explain in a moment. 727 00:40:29,333 --> 00:40:31,802 'What was happening was the Logans discovering 728 00:40:31,833 --> 00:40:34,803 'they had no stomach for mercy-killing a sickly horse 729 00:40:34,833 --> 00:40:37,803 'and yet were possessed of a seemingly limitless capacity 730 00:40:38,042 --> 00:40:41,216 'for procrastination and indecisiveness.' 731 00:40:41,250 --> 00:40:42,718 Maybe you should come back tomorrow, 732 00:40:42,750 --> 00:40:44,252 and we'll reassess it and see... 733 00:40:44,292 --> 00:40:45,809 - Yes. Yes, my Lady. - What she's like then. 734 00:40:45,833 --> 00:40:48,837 Thank you. 735 00:40:48,875 --> 00:40:51,879 Right. Perhaps some drinks before dinner. 736 00:40:51,917 --> 00:40:54,591 Yes, perhaps several. 737 00:41:06,458 --> 00:41:07,809 I got the idea from the playwright. 738 00:41:07,833 --> 00:41:09,710 Met him in Venice on my last trip. 739 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:11,297 Is there a point? 740 00:41:11,333 --> 00:41:13,309 Or are you merely recounting a selection of random events? 741 00:41:13,333 --> 00:41:14,710 Ch, hush. 742 00:41:14,750 --> 00:41:17,424 Now, where was I? Oh, yes. 743 00:41:17,458 --> 00:41:20,837 Gianni had the most enormous... 744 00:41:20,875 --> 00:41:22,969 Oh, my God. 745 00:41:24,000 --> 00:41:26,344 C-o-c-k. 746 00:41:26,375 --> 00:41:29,709 And he was afraid he might hurt me. 747 00:41:30,000 --> 00:41:31,798 "Gianni darling", I said. "Fear not. 748 00:41:31,833 --> 00:41:33,801 "After what I've been through, 749 00:41:34,042 --> 00:41:36,420 "you'll be lucky if it touches the sides. 750 00:41:36,458 --> 00:41:38,711 "It'll be like pushing a paper boat up the Grand Canal." 751 00:41:42,125 --> 00:41:44,018 This is not language for when children are present. 752 00:41:44,042 --> 00:41:46,761 Oh, prude la-la. They know. 753 00:41:46,792 --> 00:41:48,544 There's two options. 754 00:41:48,583 --> 00:41:50,301 One, we let Oliver rattle on home 755 00:41:50,333 --> 00:41:50,834 about his various exploits 756 00:41:50,875 --> 00:41:53,253 and the occasional ear gets singed. 757 00:41:53,292 --> 00:41:54,839 Or, two, 758 00:41:55,083 --> 00:41:57,711 we let the kids work it out entirely for themselves. 759 00:41:57,750 --> 00:42:01,755 I just don't understand every person obsession with sex. 760 00:42:01,792 --> 00:42:03,643 It's not an obsession. It's the meaning of life. 761 00:42:03,667 --> 00:42:06,170 Well, there is something that children can learn with help, 762 00:42:06,208 --> 00:42:07,801 and that is good manners. 763 00:42:08,042 --> 00:42:09,309 - David, help with the plates. - Yes, Mummy. 764 00:42:09,333 --> 00:42:10,676 Clara. 765 00:42:16,167 --> 00:42:17,510 Oh, mon Dieu. 766 00:42:17,542 --> 00:42:18,851 Will you tell us a story, Oliver? 767 00:42:18,875 --> 00:42:21,503 Oh, I thought you'd never ask, Michael. 768 00:42:21,542 --> 00:42:24,876 Well, the story is about a down-on-his-luck gigolo 769 00:42:25,125 --> 00:42:28,709 who gets a job playing alto sax on a cruise ship. 770 00:42:29,000 --> 00:42:30,840 - But what he's really doing... - Oliver, stop. 771 00:42:32,708 --> 00:42:34,802 - Not a chance. - Oh. 772 00:42:34,833 --> 00:42:37,131 Not a penny. 773 00:42:37,167 --> 00:42:42,549 Well, if we can't drink to my play, let's drink to Lilac. 774 00:42:45,792 --> 00:42:49,171 May she have her miracle. 775 00:42:49,208 --> 00:42:51,802 - 'Yes, to Lilac.' - To Lilac. 776 00:42:52,042 --> 00:42:53,518 'The same toast they'll be making tomorrow night 777 00:42:53,542 --> 00:42:54,384 at the glue factory, 778 00:42:54,417 --> 00:42:57,591 'as her bones render noxiously in the background.' 779 00:42:57,625 --> 00:42:58,625 To miracles. 780 00:43:03,208 --> 00:43:04,801 Unlike you to forsake a drink. 781 00:43:05,042 --> 00:43:06,840 You don't seriously expect me to join you 782 00:43:06,875 --> 00:43:09,469 in a wine-soaked prayer for a miracle? 783 00:43:09,500 --> 00:43:10,717 Is that so ridiculous? 784 00:43:10,750 --> 00:43:11,797 It's fluff. 785 00:43:12,042 --> 00:43:13,885 Miracles are phenomena 786 00:43:14,125 --> 00:43:15,393 that we're too frightened or, in my case, 787 00:43:15,417 --> 00:43:17,419 too lazy to understand. 788 00:43:17,458 --> 00:43:21,668 But nothing miraculous ever actually happens, 789 00:43:21,708 --> 00:43:24,177 and certainly no-one is ever healed. 790 00:43:24,208 --> 00:43:26,256 You don't believe in healing? 791 00:43:26,292 --> 00:43:29,626 You can correct a mechanical fault, 792 00:43:29,667 --> 00:43:34,673 but nothing can be truly cured or made whole. 793 00:43:34,708 --> 00:43:37,791 Everything rots. 794 00:43:37,833 --> 00:43:41,417 And that's the beastly bloody end of it. 795 00:43:41,458 --> 00:43:45,759 Would anyone like a comforting chamomile? 796 00:43:45,792 --> 00:43:47,544 I think Tedward and I might have a chat 797 00:43:47,583 --> 00:43:50,302 over something a bit stronger. 798 00:43:50,333 --> 00:43:53,177 'So, I was sent here to investigate miracles 799 00:43:53,208 --> 00:43:56,712 'and have now been induced to refute their very existence. 800 00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:58,752 'More than a coincidence, I fancy. 801 00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:00,680 'I'm beginning to feel like doubting Thomas 802 00:44:00,708 --> 00:44:04,212 'on a certain easter morning.' 803 00:44:04,250 --> 00:44:06,844 What follows, you will never discuss with anyone. 804 00:44:09,250 --> 00:44:13,426 My father came to this country from Massachusetts in 1936. 805 00:44:13,458 --> 00:44:16,132 When the war came, he enlisted 806 00:44:16,167 --> 00:44:19,216 and trained as an engineering officer in the R.A.F. 807 00:44:19,250 --> 00:44:23,300 Later that year, a young man came round the base. 808 00:44:23,333 --> 00:44:28,715 His father had a metal splinter in his foot. It was gangrenous. 809 00:44:28,750 --> 00:44:30,297 The boy knew the doctor would amputate 810 00:44:30,333 --> 00:44:33,758 and he asked my father for help. 811 00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:36,344 My father touched the foot, the splinter came out, 812 00:44:36,375 --> 00:44:37,501 and the wound healed. 813 00:44:37,542 --> 00:44:39,135 - Instantly? - Yes. 814 00:44:39,167 --> 00:44:40,559 Well, I don't want to spoil the story, 815 00:44:40,583 --> 00:44:42,551 but that could have happened by chance. 816 00:44:42,583 --> 00:44:44,881 That was just the first time. 817 00:44:45,125 --> 00:44:48,709 A few more miracles, and people began to talk. 818 00:44:49,000 --> 00:44:49,717 By the end of the war, 819 00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:51,268 he was being hounded. It was intolerable. 820 00:44:51,292 --> 00:44:52,794 That was another time. 821 00:44:53,042 --> 00:44:55,886 It was 70 years ago, Ted, not the Middle Ages. 822 00:44:57,625 --> 00:45:01,300 I never had a gift. I... I guess it skipped a generation. 823 00:45:01,333 --> 00:45:04,132 It's a childhood fairy tale. 824 00:45:05,417 --> 00:45:08,500 Anne has asthma. 825 00:45:08,542 --> 00:45:10,702 Do you remember that hot summer four or five years ago? 826 00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:13,226 'David and I were out one afternoon 827 00:45:13,250 --> 00:45:15,423 'and she suffered a terrible attack.' 828 00:45:17,583 --> 00:45:20,837 Mum? 829 00:45:20,875 --> 00:45:22,268 'Simon was there, doing C.P.R. 830 00:45:22,292 --> 00:45:22,758 like he'd been taught, 831 00:45:23,000 --> 00:45:24,673 'but it wasn't working.' 832 00:45:24,708 --> 00:45:27,302 Five, six, seven, eight, nine... 833 00:45:27,333 --> 00:45:29,506 We got back. David heard the commotion... 834 00:45:34,292 --> 00:45:35,809 rushed in, pushed his brother aside, 835 00:45:35,833 --> 00:45:37,143 and placed his hands on his mother's chest, 836 00:45:37,167 --> 00:45:38,794 and she began to breathe. 837 00:45:40,417 --> 00:45:42,886 You're saying David saved her life? 838 00:45:43,125 --> 00:45:46,629 Healed. Not another attack since. 839 00:45:46,667 --> 00:45:48,590 'It's like Stephen Hawking 840 00:45:48,625 --> 00:45:51,834 'announcing he still believes in Santa Claus. 841 00:45:52,083 --> 00:45:55,132 'I don't mind my old friends turning into venal assholes, 842 00:45:55,167 --> 00:45:57,670 'but it's rather unnerving when they go crazy.' 843 00:45:57,708 --> 00:45:59,710 Jane came to stay with us at Easter. 844 00:46:01,292 --> 00:46:03,590 The leukemia had taken hold 845 00:46:03,625 --> 00:46:05,753 and the doctors had given her three weeks to live. 846 00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:08,594 She wanted to spend them somewhere peaceful. 847 00:46:08,625 --> 00:46:10,719 She took to her bed the moment she arrived. 848 00:46:10,750 --> 00:46:13,503 The end of the first week, she began to look better. 849 00:46:13,542 --> 00:46:15,886 'The second week, she thought she'd get up. 850 00:46:16,125 --> 00:46:19,174 'The third week, entirely cured. 851 00:46:19,208 --> 00:46:22,257 'David had been with her every day.' 852 00:46:22,292 --> 00:46:24,841 There just must be a rational explanation. 853 00:46:25,083 --> 00:46:28,667 David's hands heal. I've seen it with my own eyes. 854 00:46:28,708 --> 00:46:30,426 But I'm at a loss. 855 00:46:30,458 --> 00:46:31,425 We're private people. We don't make a fuss. 856 00:46:31,458 --> 00:46:34,758 But this feels big, important. 857 00:46:34,792 --> 00:46:38,467 Do I hide it like a curse or shout it from the rooftops? 858 00:46:38,500 --> 00:46:41,253 Why, in the name of dysfunction, are you asking me? 859 00:46:41,292 --> 00:46:45,593 Yesterday, you made a big fuss about being David's godfather. 860 00:46:45,625 --> 00:46:47,878 Earn the title. 861 00:47:09,875 --> 00:47:11,673 Hm. 862 00:47:38,083 --> 00:47:39,756 'There was an old poet called Ted 863 00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:43,425 'who was in well over his head 864 00:47:43,458 --> 00:47:46,883 'he struggled to think why he shouldn't just drink 865 00:47:46,917 --> 00:47:49,295 'and collapse assholed into his bed.' 866 00:48:23,292 --> 00:48:25,966 Hello, Lilac. I've brought you an apple. 867 00:48:51,125 --> 00:48:52,172 Oh... 868 00:48:53,750 --> 00:48:55,252 Go away. 869 00:48:56,250 --> 00:48:58,378 ♪ Hallelujah! 870 00:48:58,417 --> 00:49:01,387 ♪ Hallelujah! Hallelujah! 871 00:49:01,417 --> 00:49:03,715 - Hallelujah! ♪ - Oh, what's got into you? 872 00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:07,129 Lilac is well. 873 00:49:07,167 --> 00:49:10,011 There are more things in heaven and earth, Tedatio. 874 00:49:11,333 --> 00:49:13,131 You have heard? 875 00:49:13,167 --> 00:49:14,885 ♪ Ai bien entendu, ma vieille orange. 876 00:49:15,125 --> 00:49:17,628 Oh, by all means, come in. 877 00:49:17,667 --> 00:49:20,466 Why don't you ask Podmore too? 878 00:49:20,500 --> 00:49:23,959 If Lilac is cured, then maybe Clara can be made beautiful. 879 00:49:26,583 --> 00:49:29,336 - Where are you off to now? - To find David. 880 00:49:29,375 --> 00:49:31,218 Lilac didn't cure herself. 881 00:49:35,833 --> 00:49:38,712 Christ. Wait! 882 00:49:39,000 --> 00:49:41,423 'There is nothing to put me in a foul mood more effectively 883 00:49:41,458 --> 00:49:43,711 'than seeing Oliver happy. 884 00:49:44,000 --> 00:49:45,760 'But the realization that I had slept through 885 00:49:46,000 --> 00:49:47,843 'some kind of miraculous occurrence 886 00:49:47,875 --> 00:49:50,754 'ran a close second. 887 00:49:50,792 --> 00:49:54,626 'David was yet to claim Lilac's recovery as his handiwork, 888 00:49:54,667 --> 00:49:56,476 'but the notion hung in the air above Swafford, 889 00:49:56,500 --> 00:49:59,344 'like a piss-filled Hindenburg.' 890 00:50:00,458 --> 00:50:01,835 I need to find your brother. 891 00:50:02,083 --> 00:50:03,476 I haven't seen him. Er... but hop in. 892 00:50:03,500 --> 00:50:05,969 We'll cover more ground. 893 00:50:17,167 --> 00:50:19,215 What do you think happened with Lilac? 894 00:50:19,250 --> 00:50:20,768 I always check her field. There isn't any ragwort. 895 00:50:20,792 --> 00:50:22,840 Yes, I heard you with the vet. 896 00:50:22,875 --> 00:50:25,219 No ragwort, no cure, no explanation. 897 00:50:25,250 --> 00:50:27,719 Saint David of Swafford and his magic hands. 898 00:50:27,750 --> 00:50:29,343 Shit! 899 00:50:29,375 --> 00:50:31,753 Stop this fucking motorized hairdryer! 900 00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:44,877 Mm. 901 00:50:51,792 --> 00:50:53,760 Oh. 902 00:50:57,542 --> 00:51:00,546 - Hi, David. - Hello, Oliver. 903 00:51:00,583 --> 00:51:02,256 What about this laying on of hands? 904 00:51:02,292 --> 00:51:03,464 Dunno. 905 00:51:03,500 --> 00:51:05,377 You're not in the miracle camp? 906 00:51:05,417 --> 00:51:07,260 Sorry. 907 00:51:11,250 --> 00:51:13,344 Have you ever seen him do it? 908 00:51:13,375 --> 00:51:14,627 Once on Mum. 909 00:51:14,667 --> 00:51:16,715 What happened? 910 00:51:16,750 --> 00:51:19,549 David put his hands on her and she got better. 911 00:51:19,583 --> 00:51:22,792 No flashing lights? Angelic chorus? 912 00:51:22,833 --> 00:51:25,256 She just came to. 913 00:51:25,292 --> 00:51:27,886 I need to see for myself. 914 00:51:28,125 --> 00:51:30,799 Fucking Jane and her "seeing what needs to be seen". 915 00:51:32,250 --> 00:51:34,344 There we go. 916 00:51:39,583 --> 00:51:41,506 Where the hell have you been? 917 00:51:43,000 --> 00:51:45,879 'Pull yourself together, Ted. 918 00:51:45,917 --> 00:51:48,511 'Existential crises are for wankers 919 00:51:48,542 --> 00:51:52,627 'and characters in Scandinavian films.' 920 00:51:52,667 --> 00:51:53,684 I told you to look after David. 921 00:51:53,708 --> 00:51:56,382 He's nowhere to be found. 922 00:51:56,417 --> 00:51:58,643 That fucking horse has put the cat among the fucking pigeons! 923 00:51:58,667 --> 00:52:00,294 It's my father all over again. 924 00:52:00,333 --> 00:52:02,802 It's in hand. You have my word. 925 00:52:02,833 --> 00:52:04,793 - Which is worth what, exactly? - Well, it's all I 926 00:52:06,042 --> 00:52:09,125 Oh, hello, boys. 927 00:52:09,167 --> 00:52:10,885 You're looking well. 928 00:52:11,792 --> 00:52:13,886 Mm... eugh! Eurgh! 929 00:52:13,917 --> 00:52:15,885 Fucking magic. 930 00:52:17,083 --> 00:52:19,211 Oh, forget him. 931 00:52:19,250 --> 00:52:21,878 He's too jaded to feel wonder. 932 00:52:22,125 --> 00:52:26,460 Whereas you... you have the power to change the world. 933 00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:38,843 Clara's up next. 934 00:52:38,875 --> 00:52:40,422 I'll find him. 935 00:52:48,417 --> 00:52:51,216 'Oliver was gloating over his own cure. 936 00:52:51,250 --> 00:52:53,594 'Now our fearless teenage leader 937 00:52:53,625 --> 00:52:56,253 'was sneaking off to find Clara.' 938 00:52:57,792 --> 00:52:59,840 'If young saint David 939 00:52:59,875 --> 00:53:01,718 'could transform Valerie's unlovely offspring 940 00:53:01,750 --> 00:53:05,505 'into some new-age Aphrodite, 941 00:53:05,542 --> 00:53:07,715 'that was a miracle I had to see.' 942 00:53:08,000 --> 00:53:10,173 David? It's uncle Ted. 943 00:53:29,625 --> 00:53:30,768 'The steam whistle replaced 944 00:53:30,792 --> 00:53:31,543 by the turgid sound of diesel 945 00:53:31,583 --> 00:53:35,383 'and now electric trains.' 946 00:53:35,417 --> 00:53:37,795 - Mr. Wallace? - I'm looking for David. 947 00:53:38,042 --> 00:53:41,421 Oh, one of the great undertakings of our age. 948 00:53:48,583 --> 00:53:51,302 - What the hell was that? - I hear nothing, sir. 949 00:53:51,333 --> 00:53:54,587 Don't tell me the last bastion of sanity of this house 950 00:53:54,625 --> 00:53:58,300 is abandoning his faculties too? 951 00:53:58,333 --> 00:54:01,837 The greater the discretion, the larger the tip. 952 00:54:09,083 --> 00:54:12,883 Do you know where David is? Oh, come on, John. 953 00:54:12,917 --> 00:54:16,217 I know you see everything that goes on round here. 954 00:54:16,250 --> 00:54:18,048 - He's a bugger for hiding. - Go on. 955 00:54:20,875 --> 00:54:23,128 Frequently doesn't sleep in his bed. 956 00:54:23,167 --> 00:54:25,226 Never leaves by the door when there's the option of a window. 957 00:54:25,250 --> 00:54:30,632 In fact, he must spend most nights out in the grounds. 958 00:54:30,667 --> 00:54:31,793 But where? 959 00:54:32,042 --> 00:54:33,885 'I licked the grass, 960 00:54:33,917 --> 00:54:35,669 'licked it clean. 961 00:54:35,708 --> 00:54:37,710 'Clean grass is hay, 962 00:54:37,750 --> 00:54:40,299 'gold hay for the flesh. 963 00:54:40,333 --> 00:54:42,381 'I hugged the leaves, 964 00:54:42,417 --> 00:54:44,260 'squeezed their green. 965 00:54:44,292 --> 00:54:45,635 'Squeezed sap is blood 966 00:54:45,667 --> 00:54:48,876 'and blood must be fresh.' 967 00:54:49,125 --> 00:54:52,675 And sowed the seed, seed of my own. 968 00:54:52,708 --> 00:54:54,005 Oh! Hello, Valerie! 969 00:55:01,542 --> 00:55:03,590 Oh. 970 00:55:13,458 --> 00:55:15,301 Oh. 971 00:55:19,167 --> 00:55:21,841 Come on, Clara. Just up at the woods. 972 00:55:22,083 --> 00:55:24,051 Oh, god. 973 00:55:35,917 --> 00:55:38,045 Oh. Ooh! 974 00:55:48,208 --> 00:55:50,336 Ow. Ah. 975 00:55:50,375 --> 00:55:51,467 Eurgh. 976 00:55:53,375 --> 00:55:56,094 If you let the spirit in, it will heal you. 977 00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:03,379 Feel the spirit surging through you. You must embrace it. 978 00:56:03,417 --> 00:56:05,636 Drain it, yes. 979 00:56:05,667 --> 00:56:08,170 That's right, drain it. 980 00:56:08,208 --> 00:56:09,755 - No! No, let her go! - Yes. Fuck off! 981 00:56:09,792 --> 00:56:12,420 Aaah! Aaah! 982 00:56:12,458 --> 00:56:15,302 ' Eurgh! - Oh! 983 00:56:15,333 --> 00:56:15,754 Come on. We can't have you going into the house, 984 00:56:16,000 --> 00:56:16,751 looking like this. 985 00:56:17,000 --> 00:56:18,143 - Let's get you cleaned up. - Oh, she bit me. 986 00:56:18,167 --> 00:56:20,511 Simon, you can't leave me! 987 00:56:20,542 --> 00:56:22,715 Physicist, heal thyself. 988 00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:25,799 'So much for the modern miracle. 989 00:56:25,833 --> 00:56:27,756 'I don't recall Saint Francis of Assisi 990 00:56:27,792 --> 00:56:29,169 'ejaculating into anybody's mouth.' 991 00:56:29,208 --> 00:56:30,835 Fuck! 992 00:56:30,875 --> 00:56:32,184 'Maybe they just left that part out.' 993 00:56:32,208 --> 00:56:34,552 Uncle Ted, she... she bit me. 994 00:56:34,583 --> 00:56:37,712 Are all your cures like that? 995 00:56:37,750 --> 00:56:40,549 Don't talk. Don't say a word. 996 00:56:40,583 --> 00:56:42,881 Can you stand? 997 00:56:42,917 --> 00:56:45,420 Yeah, come on. 998 00:56:45,458 --> 00:56:46,726 'It's easier for the old to judge the young.' 999 00:56:46,750 --> 00:56:48,423 She bit me. 1000 00:56:48,458 --> 00:56:50,101 'And I'll admit it's been particularly hard 1001 00:56:50,125 --> 00:56:51,843 'to warm to David, 1002 00:56:52,083 --> 00:56:54,711 'with his cricket sweaters and soggy sonnets, 1003 00:56:55,000 --> 00:56:57,719 'but the truth is that this boy is my godson. 1004 00:56:58,000 --> 00:57:00,753 I may be unreliable when it comes to fonts 1005 00:57:01,000 --> 00:57:02,593 and silver napkin rings, 1006 00:57:02,625 --> 00:57:06,255 'but when I saw him suffering a catastrophic sex disaster, 1007 00:57:06,292 --> 00:57:09,216 'I did feel a twinge of the old esprit de corps. 1008 00:57:09,250 --> 00:57:11,548 I never was a boy scout, 1009 00:57:11,583 --> 00:57:13,836 'and I certainly don't do a good deed every day, 1010 00:57:14,083 --> 00:57:16,882 'but one whopper every 15 years 1011 00:57:17,125 --> 00:57:19,719 'surely must earn me a badge of some kind.' 1012 00:57:19,750 --> 00:57:22,469 Mr. Lennox? 1013 00:57:22,500 --> 00:57:25,504 Mr. Lennox? 1014 00:57:28,458 --> 00:57:30,756 Oh. Yes. 1015 00:57:30,792 --> 00:57:32,715 Yes. 1016 00:57:32,750 --> 00:57:35,594 Can you tell me the nature 1017 00:57:35,625 --> 00:57:37,798 of your... relationship with David? 1018 00:57:40,833 --> 00:57:42,961 Some days good, some days bad. 1019 00:57:44,333 --> 00:57:46,631 You are the boy's father? 1020 00:57:46,667 --> 00:57:48,761 For my sins. 1021 00:57:49,000 --> 00:57:52,300 Then perhaps you can explain why David said to me, 1022 00:57:52,333 --> 00:57:53,755 "The pain got much worse in the car, 1023 00:57:54,000 --> 00:57:56,594 "partly because 1024 00:57:56,625 --> 00:58:01,552 "Uncle Ted is a terrible driver." 1025 00:58:01,583 --> 00:58:05,167 I'm glad to say it's rare for a child to be admitted 1026 00:58:05,208 --> 00:58:07,882 with human bite marks to the penis. 1027 00:58:07,917 --> 00:58:10,887 Even rarer for the hysterical boy to be accompanied 1028 00:58:11,125 --> 00:58:14,049 by a famous public figure. 1029 00:58:18,875 --> 00:58:22,334 Well, if you knew who I was, why didn't you say? 1030 00:58:22,375 --> 00:58:24,434 I think you'd better tell me who David's parents are. 1031 00:58:24,458 --> 00:58:26,802 I'd like to talk to David. 1032 00:58:26,833 --> 00:58:29,586 I don't think the police will allow you to do any such thing. 1033 00:58:29,625 --> 00:58:31,377 Police? 1034 00:58:31,417 --> 00:58:33,143 You're in a position of authority, Mr. Wallace. 1035 00:58:33,167 --> 00:58:34,794 Let's be grown-ups, shall we? 1036 00:58:34,833 --> 00:58:37,427 This is just a pair of lovers 1037 00:58:37,458 --> 00:58:40,462 suffering an unfortunate mishap. 1038 00:58:40,500 --> 00:58:43,424 This may pass for acceptable in your bohemian world, but... 1039 00:58:43,458 --> 00:58:46,132 I have a boy David's age. 1040 00:58:46,167 --> 00:58:48,101 If this happened to him, do you think I'd kick up a stink? 1041 00:58:48,125 --> 00:58:50,799 It may interest you to know that I'm a magistrate. 1042 00:58:51,042 --> 00:58:52,882 And a member of Calvinists against cock-sucking 1043 00:58:53,083 --> 00:58:55,461 and housewives against fellatio, no doubt? 1044 00:58:55,500 --> 00:58:58,299 The parents get involved, the... The guilt, the shame... 1045 00:58:58,333 --> 00:59:00,677 If I do not have the number of David's parents this minute, 1046 00:59:00,708 --> 00:59:02,301 I shall call the police. 1047 00:59:04,125 --> 00:59:05,843 One, two... 1048 00:59:06,083 --> 00:59:07,881 All right, all right. 1049 00:59:08,125 --> 00:59:10,674 I suppose you want the girl's name too so two sets can be... 1050 00:59:10,708 --> 00:59:12,802 - Girl? - The girl. 1051 00:59:13,042 --> 00:59:15,340 The girl. The girl. 1052 00:59:15,375 --> 00:59:17,375 Did you think he was being sucked off by a giraffe? 1053 00:59:21,125 --> 00:59:23,469 I thought you were the... 1054 00:59:24,542 --> 00:59:25,668 other party. 1055 00:59:25,708 --> 00:59:28,131 You thought what? 1056 00:59:33,375 --> 00:59:35,719 If there's been a mistake, I'm sorry. 1057 00:59:35,750 --> 00:59:38,594 It's my duty to... 1058 00:59:40,000 --> 00:59:41,673 establish the facts. 1059 00:59:41,708 --> 00:59:44,257 'Oh, fabulous. 1060 00:59:44,292 --> 00:59:46,886 'I have chanced upon one of the very few people in the world 1061 00:59:46,917 --> 00:59:49,420 'to have my poetry on their shelf, 1062 00:59:49,458 --> 00:59:52,257 'who have examined the contents of my soul, 1063 00:59:52,292 --> 00:59:55,216 'and she thinks I'm a fucking pedophile.' 1064 00:59:55,250 --> 00:59:56,877 Well, I went down to the woods today, 1065 00:59:57,125 --> 00:59:59,344 and I sure as hell had a big surprise. 1066 00:59:59,375 --> 01:00:02,629 I missed the sex offenders register by a whisker. 1067 01:00:02,667 --> 01:00:05,716 Sometimes the gift demands a sacrifice. 1068 01:00:05,750 --> 01:00:07,297 Perhaps it would help if you told me 1069 01:00:07,333 --> 01:00:09,711 about the exact nature of your powers. 1070 01:00:10,000 --> 01:00:12,253 Stop the car. 1071 01:00:12,292 --> 01:00:13,851 No, I've done quite enough running around after you 1072 01:00:13,875 --> 01:00:14,842 for one weekend. 1073 01:00:14,875 --> 01:00:17,469 I'll tell you, but not here. 1074 01:00:23,000 --> 01:00:26,755 I call it the gift, not my gift. 1075 01:00:27,000 --> 01:00:30,174 I can feel the power of nature. 1076 01:00:32,875 --> 01:00:36,505 I put my hand on a sick creature, 1077 01:00:36,542 --> 01:00:38,761 and it courses through me like lightning. 1078 01:00:42,458 --> 01:00:45,667 But I also have human feelings. 1079 01:00:45,708 --> 01:00:47,881 Hunger. 1080 01:00:48,125 --> 01:00:50,719 And cold. 1081 01:00:51,000 --> 01:00:53,378 And all types of hunger. 1082 01:00:57,833 --> 01:01:01,042 The first time I had a wet dream was last year. 1083 01:01:02,625 --> 01:01:04,377 I know, which is late. 1084 01:01:07,458 --> 01:01:09,552 I knew that... that I couldn't allow 1085 01:01:09,583 --> 01:01:13,463 such a terrible thing to happen, all that waste. 1086 01:01:18,208 --> 01:01:20,210 It's not just my hands, you see. 1087 01:01:21,500 --> 01:01:23,377 Every part of me can heal. 1088 01:01:24,792 --> 01:01:27,716 My blood and my seed. 1089 01:01:27,750 --> 01:01:29,548 Okay. 1090 01:01:29,583 --> 01:01:32,712 I knew that if I only used it for good, 1091 01:01:33,000 --> 01:01:35,344 and not to give myself pleasure, 1092 01:01:35,375 --> 01:01:37,377 then that could be a powerful tool as well. 1093 01:01:37,417 --> 01:01:39,385 Which is why with Clara, you... 1094 01:01:39,417 --> 01:01:42,216 It started with Jane. 1095 01:01:42,250 --> 01:01:45,800 Her sickness was too powerful for my hand, 1096 01:01:45,833 --> 01:01:48,837 but I knew that 1097 01:01:49,083 --> 01:01:52,292 if I got my essence in, deep inside her, 1098 01:01:52,333 --> 01:01:54,210 then it would work. 1099 01:01:55,375 --> 01:01:57,252 These powers. 1100 01:01:57,292 --> 01:02:00,592 Do you think they're inherited? 1101 01:02:00,625 --> 01:02:01,877 Anyone can have a pure spirit. 1102 01:02:02,125 --> 01:02:03,468 Even me? 1103 01:02:03,500 --> 01:02:06,219 Especially you. 1104 01:02:06,250 --> 01:02:08,548 When you were a poet, 1105 01:02:08,583 --> 01:02:11,211 you were inspired to see the glory of the world. 1106 01:02:11,250 --> 01:02:13,503 Bollocks. 1107 01:02:13,542 --> 01:02:15,715 You want poetry, you fight with paper and pencil. 1108 01:02:15,750 --> 01:02:18,128 You muck in with humanity. 1109 01:02:18,167 --> 01:02:21,137 You don't wait for inspiration to vomit bliss over you. 1110 01:02:21,167 --> 01:02:24,717 The world is charged with the grandeur of God. 1111 01:02:25,000 --> 01:02:27,879 It will flame out, like shining from shook foil... 1112 01:02:28,125 --> 01:02:30,423 Gerard Manley Hopkins worked. 1113 01:02:30,458 --> 01:02:32,711 He studied anglo-saxon rhythmic structure. 1114 01:02:32,750 --> 01:02:34,878 He learned Welsh. 1115 01:02:34,917 --> 01:02:37,887 But the genius was inside him. 1116 01:02:37,917 --> 01:02:39,794 Look at Simon. 1117 01:02:39,833 --> 01:02:43,713 We have the same genes, but he has an ordinary soul. 1118 01:02:43,750 --> 01:02:44,876 And your soul? 1119 01:02:45,125 --> 01:02:47,878 It's different and special. 1120 01:02:48,125 --> 01:02:50,719 Different and special. 1121 01:02:51,000 --> 01:02:53,378 Yes, and you should respect that. 1122 01:03:02,500 --> 01:03:04,502 Bollocks! 1123 01:03:04,542 --> 01:03:07,261 'See what needs to be seen, my ass. 1124 01:03:07,292 --> 01:03:10,296 'Miracles, my cock and baggy balls. 1125 01:03:10,333 --> 01:03:12,335 'Sorry to piss on the parade, 1126 01:03:12,375 --> 01:03:14,798 'but we all see what we want to see and no-one is immune, 1127 01:03:14,833 --> 01:03:17,712 'be it the shabby chic of Zen 1128 01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:20,503 'or the wanton razzamatazz of high Catholicism, 1129 01:03:20,542 --> 01:03:21,759 'or merely sucking off 1130 01:03:21,792 --> 01:03:23,590 'some teenage Christ-come-lately 1131 01:03:23,625 --> 01:03:25,798 'in a bucolic woodland glade. 1132 01:03:26,042 --> 01:03:28,795 'It's all just a fun-house mirror, 1133 01:03:28,833 --> 01:03:31,507 'a means to see yourself happier, healthier, 1134 01:03:31,542 --> 01:03:34,216 'prettier, or less... 1135 01:03:34,250 --> 01:03:38,175 'well, less dying of leukemia. 1136 01:03:38,208 --> 01:03:41,337 'Poor old Jane. You senseless cow. 1137 01:03:44,125 --> 01:03:48,130 'Maybe I am just too jaded to be filled with wonder. 1138 01:03:48,167 --> 01:03:50,261 'Maybe I should sacrifice 1139 01:03:50,292 --> 01:03:51,794 'my every standard of wit and reason 1140 01:03:52,042 --> 01:03:54,886 'and throw my lot in with this imbecile cult. 1141 01:03:57,917 --> 01:03:58,976 'If any of us could use a miracle, 1142 01:03:59,000 --> 01:04:02,174 'it's Ted fucking Wallace. 1143 01:04:02,208 --> 01:04:04,836 'I wasn't always this bitter bin bag of custard, you know. 1144 01:04:04,875 --> 01:04:06,718 'Tune me up, Jesus. 1145 01:04:07,000 --> 01:04:09,503 'Make me whole, God's son.' 1146 01:04:14,125 --> 01:04:16,344 Pour me a gin, would you? 1147 01:04:18,000 --> 01:04:19,627 Yes, of course. 1148 01:04:19,667 --> 01:04:23,217 My God, look at the state of you. 1149 01:04:23,250 --> 01:04:27,710 If you're here, Rebecca, who's ruling over Narnia? 1150 01:04:27,750 --> 01:04:31,380 Fancy you having the gall to turn up here! 1151 01:04:31,417 --> 01:04:33,715 I bet Michael must have loved it, when you rang. 1152 01:04:34,000 --> 01:04:35,877 I wrote to David, as it happens. 1153 01:04:36,125 --> 01:04:39,299 Oh, course you did. 1154 01:04:39,333 --> 01:04:42,132 Got some godfathering to make up on. 1155 01:04:44,833 --> 01:04:47,256 'It appears we can evade the truth no longer 1156 01:04:47,292 --> 01:04:50,262 'and must finally confront the tangled story 1157 01:04:50,292 --> 01:04:52,636 'of my life with the Logans. 1158 01:04:52,667 --> 01:04:54,715 'Well, that story began 1159 01:04:54,750 --> 01:04:57,549 'with Michael's younger sister, Rebecca, 1160 01:04:57,583 --> 01:05:00,507 'with whom I dared to dally many moons ago.' 1161 01:05:00,542 --> 01:05:02,059 I'm joined this evening by one of this country's 1162 01:05:02,083 --> 01:05:03,083 most celebrated poets, 1163 01:05:03,125 --> 01:05:04,798 and now in the running... 1164 01:05:05,042 --> 01:05:07,886 'our little folie a deux came crashing to a conclusion 1165 01:05:08,125 --> 01:05:09,877 'after she invited me to perform some 1166 01:05:10,125 --> 01:05:11,251 earnest chin-stroking 1167 01:05:11,292 --> 01:05:15,422 'on her tedious late-night poetry stroke-fest, "Stanza".' 1168 01:05:15,458 --> 01:05:18,177 Let us return to the reaction to comments that you made... 1169 01:05:18,208 --> 01:05:19,434 - Women hate me... - In a newspaper interview. 1170 01:05:19,458 --> 01:05:21,836 Because I'm brave enough to say what we both 1171 01:05:21,875 --> 01:05:22,842 know to be true, 1172 01:05:22,875 --> 01:05:24,752 that women don't enjoy sex. 1173 01:05:25,000 --> 01:05:26,434 Oh, maybe the women that you've had experience with, Ted. 1174 01:05:26,458 --> 01:05:29,302 They put up with it as the price they have to pay 1175 01:05:29,333 --> 01:05:32,883 for having a man, for having a relationship. 1176 01:05:32,917 --> 01:05:35,261 I mean, if we're being absolutely frank, 1177 01:05:35,292 --> 01:05:36,760 the only reason I come on this show 1178 01:05:37,000 --> 01:05:38,800 is because I get to fuck you from time to time 1179 01:05:39,000 --> 01:05:41,503 and indulging those kind of absurd whims 1180 01:05:41,542 --> 01:05:45,342 is the highest compliment our sex can pay yours. 1181 01:05:45,375 --> 01:05:47,173 Thank you, Mr. Wallace. 1182 01:05:47,208 --> 01:05:49,256 Is... ls that it? 1183 01:05:49,292 --> 01:05:50,839 'This was just me spitting on my hands 1184 01:05:50,875 --> 01:05:52,877 'and getting down to work.' 1185 01:05:53,125 --> 01:05:55,423 'for the next five years, 1186 01:05:55,458 --> 01:05:57,101 'I made a pile of all my treasures and talents, 1187 01:05:57,125 --> 01:05:59,127 'clambered up on top 1188 01:05:59,167 --> 01:06:00,384 'and cheerfully self-immolated 1189 01:06:00,417 --> 01:06:03,546 'like a Laotian monk. 1190 01:06:03,583 --> 01:06:04,726 'Since then, Rebecca has performed 1191 01:06:04,750 --> 01:06:07,674 diligently as my nemesis. 1192 01:06:07,708 --> 01:06:10,678 'We are the jangling skeletons in each other's closets.' 1193 01:06:10,708 --> 01:06:13,382 Jane told me you'd come down here, 1194 01:06:13,417 --> 01:06:15,761 but I didn't actually believe that you would have the... 1195 01:06:15,792 --> 01:06:18,295 She asked me to investigate her recovery. 1196 01:06:18,333 --> 01:06:19,559 She has proved the doctors wrong, 1197 01:06:19,583 --> 01:06:21,551 and that's good enough for me. 1198 01:06:21,583 --> 01:06:23,506 You're not interested in the how and the why? 1199 01:06:23,542 --> 01:06:26,796 Ignoring your goddaughter during her youth is one thing, 1200 01:06:27,042 --> 01:06:29,215 but taking advantage of her is repugnant. 1201 01:06:29,250 --> 01:06:31,298 I am not exploiting your daughter. 1202 01:06:31,333 --> 01:06:33,882 Oh, of course not. You're just taking her money. 1203 01:06:33,917 --> 01:06:35,794 Of which she's got loads. 1204 01:06:35,833 --> 01:06:38,677 But what she needs is 1205 01:06:38,708 --> 01:06:41,461 someone willing to get to the bottom of this cure. 1206 01:06:44,750 --> 01:06:46,548 And you're the man for that job? 1207 01:06:46,583 --> 01:06:48,802 Yes. 1208 01:06:48,833 --> 01:06:50,585 And how's it going, this noble quest? 1209 01:06:53,417 --> 01:06:55,795 Come on, Ted Wallace. 1210 01:06:56,042 --> 01:06:57,101 The only thing you've ever got to the 1211 01:06:57,125 --> 01:06:59,093 bottom of is a whiskey bottle. 1212 01:07:35,917 --> 01:07:36,917 Are you happy? 1213 01:07:37,000 --> 01:07:38,172 'Yes. 1214 01:07:38,208 --> 01:07:40,586 'Yes! Thank you. 1215 01:07:40,625 --> 01:07:42,753 'Isn't it wonderful?' 1216 01:07:43,000 --> 01:07:44,877 It's an impenetrable load of bollocks 1217 01:07:45,125 --> 01:07:50,382 and I've got no way into it or through it or anything else. 1218 01:07:50,417 --> 01:07:53,341 Keep your money, Jane. I have done bugger all. 1219 01:07:55,750 --> 01:07:57,673 Be happy- 1220 01:07:58,833 --> 01:08:01,507 I can't discredit David's gift. 1221 01:08:01,542 --> 01:08:03,840 'Your cure is yours to have.' 1222 01:08:04,083 --> 01:08:06,461 Ted, you can have it too. 1223 01:08:06,500 --> 01:08:08,798 'Just open your heart.' 1224 01:08:08,833 --> 01:08:10,426 What if I don't want to? 1225 01:08:10,458 --> 01:08:11,880 You must. 1226 01:08:12,125 --> 01:08:13,877 'No, I mustn't. 1227 01:08:14,125 --> 01:08:17,334 'I don't have to do anything, 1228 01:08:17,375 --> 01:08:18,768 'or desperately cling to any of your 1229 01:08:18,792 --> 01:08:20,760 ridiculous superstitions, 1230 01:08:20,792 --> 01:08:24,672 'because I'm not about to kick the bucket.' 1231 01:08:24,708 --> 01:08:27,427 Aah! Bugger! 1232 01:08:27,458 --> 01:08:30,177 'I'm not about to kick the bucket. 1233 01:08:30,208 --> 01:08:33,007 'Kick the bucket.' 1234 01:08:42,042 --> 01:08:44,295 Oh, Christ. 1235 01:08:51,458 --> 01:08:55,008 It's, "physician, heal thyself." 1236 01:08:56,292 --> 01:08:58,545 I need the vet's number. 1237 01:08:58,583 --> 01:09:01,757 Um... zero, double one, 1238 01:09:02,000 --> 01:09:03,752 four, nine, six, 1239 01:09:04,000 --> 01:09:07,379 zero, treble nine. 1240 01:09:07,417 --> 01:09:10,876 Is, um... is David very angry with me? 1241 01:09:15,583 --> 01:09:19,633 He'll be fine. You've done more for him than you realize. 1242 01:09:19,667 --> 01:09:21,294 'Mr. Ogden?' 1243 01:09:21,333 --> 01:09:24,633 about the horse this morning, Lilac Logan. 1244 01:09:26,167 --> 01:09:28,169 Yeah, I know that's not her real name. 1245 01:09:34,417 --> 01:09:36,511 Late for dinner, Ted? 1246 01:09:36,542 --> 01:09:38,215 Er... I'll be dressed in a minute. 1247 01:09:40,042 --> 01:09:42,841 Go through without me. 1248 01:09:42,875 --> 01:09:46,550 I... I've just seen David. What is wrong with him? 1249 01:09:46,583 --> 01:09:48,756 Bit knocked about, but he'll be fine. 1250 01:09:48,792 --> 01:09:51,591 - Oh. - Annie? 1251 01:09:53,167 --> 01:09:55,511 Do you think he's a miracle worker? 1252 01:09:57,167 --> 01:09:58,760 Well, I, um... 1253 01:09:58,792 --> 01:10:02,717 You're his mother. If he is, you must sense something. 1254 01:10:05,125 --> 01:10:07,753 I... I think he's a magical boy. 1255 01:10:07,792 --> 01:10:10,420 But sometimes... 1256 01:10:12,583 --> 01:10:13,880 I still wheeze. 1257 01:10:16,500 --> 01:10:20,425 I've always known you are a wonder. 1258 01:10:29,750 --> 01:10:32,253 I think it's time for us to go public. 1259 01:10:32,292 --> 01:10:34,545 That's for me and Anne to decide. 1260 01:10:34,583 --> 01:10:36,711 Oh, for God's sake! It's not a guilty secret. 1261 01:10:37,000 --> 01:10:39,549 It's a wonderful, wonderful miracle 1262 01:10:39,583 --> 01:10:42,211 that makes everyone happy! 1263 01:10:42,250 --> 01:10:43,843 I'm sorry to piss on your chips, Oliver, 1264 01:10:44,083 --> 01:10:46,836 but I'm not happy. 1265 01:10:47,083 --> 01:10:49,677 Of course not. Sweet Jesus, you're a piece of work. 1266 01:10:53,083 --> 01:10:54,083 Sorry, Michael. 1267 01:10:56,458 --> 01:10:57,425 - What's going on? - Michael. 1268 01:10:57,458 --> 01:10:59,711 I've listened to the stories, 1269 01:10:59,750 --> 01:11:03,550 but I don't believe in David's powers. 1270 01:11:03,583 --> 01:11:06,883 One chance to raise his eyes to heaven and what does he say? 1271 01:11:07,125 --> 01:11:09,469 It's a bit odd, isn't it, 1272 01:11:09,500 --> 01:11:10,976 that a poet, of all people, should be the 1273 01:11:11,000 --> 01:11:12,673 only one not convinced? 1274 01:11:12,708 --> 01:11:14,881 Not at all. 1275 01:11:14,917 --> 01:11:17,591 I'm a poet because I'm very mundane. 1276 01:11:17,625 --> 01:11:20,253 I'm only good with what I can taste and see 1277 01:11:20,292 --> 01:11:23,262 and hear and smell and touch. 1278 01:11:23,292 --> 01:11:25,143 Oh, so you come to sneer at us up your snotty sleeve? 1279 01:11:25,167 --> 01:11:28,296 Jane asked me. 1280 01:11:28,333 --> 01:11:30,836 She told me there were miracles at Swafford 1281 01:11:30,875 --> 01:11:33,128 which she wanted me to investigate. 1282 01:11:33,167 --> 01:11:35,215 And? 1283 01:11:35,250 --> 01:11:38,800 And I think David is proud and sensitive. 1284 01:11:39,042 --> 01:11:40,794 Oh. 1285 01:11:41,042 --> 01:11:43,670 Is that it? 1286 01:11:43,708 --> 01:11:45,381 Oliver, be quiet. 1287 01:11:47,667 --> 01:11:50,876 I... I would like to hear what Ted has to say. 1288 01:11:55,375 --> 01:11:58,675 No teenager is as clever as they'd like to be. 1289 01:12:00,667 --> 01:12:04,126 David is at the point where he has glimpsed ideas, 1290 01:12:04,167 --> 01:12:07,501 but their true meaning lies beyond his reach. 1291 01:12:12,042 --> 01:12:19,335 Our culture rewards different and special. 1292 01:12:19,375 --> 01:12:21,719 The stories we tell our children are of superheroes 1293 01:12:22,000 --> 01:12:25,334 and foundlings with undiscovered talents 1294 01:12:25,375 --> 01:12:28,549 that soar to towering heights. 1295 01:12:28,583 --> 01:12:31,837 Michael told his son a story 1296 01:12:31,875 --> 01:12:33,718 that any child would like to be the center of, 1297 01:12:34,000 --> 01:12:36,799 and David decided it was true. 1298 01:12:37,042 --> 01:12:40,421 It's no story. I know what I've seen and felt. 1299 01:12:40,458 --> 01:12:44,383 You've seen and fed the delusions of an ordinary child. 1300 01:12:44,417 --> 01:12:46,795 - Ted, what... - Darling. 1301 01:12:47,042 --> 01:12:48,589 My father's gift. I've seen it work. 1302 01:12:48,625 --> 01:12:51,834 Alright. Yes. 1303 01:12:51,875 --> 01:12:55,459 Your father did have a gift and it was passed on. 1304 01:12:55,500 --> 01:12:55,716 Oh, he's off his head! He doesn't know what 1305 01:12:56,000 --> 01:12:57,000 he's talking about! 1306 01:12:57,125 --> 01:13:00,004 Oliver, you will not interrupt again! 1307 01:13:03,000 --> 01:13:05,503 I'm sorry, Ted. Please continue. 1308 01:13:07,458 --> 01:13:11,292 Michael's father's gift was passed on 1309 01:13:11,333 --> 01:13:13,256 - to Simon. - Simon? 1310 01:13:14,333 --> 01:13:16,176 A few summers ago, 1311 01:13:16,208 --> 01:13:20,509 Anne suffered a terrible asthma attack. 1312 01:13:20,542 --> 01:13:22,169 - 'Simon kept his head... - Mum? Mum. 1313 01:13:22,208 --> 01:13:24,381 And tried to get her breathing.' 1314 01:13:24,417 --> 01:13:30,299 'David broke past and put his hands on Anne's chest 1315 01:13:30,333 --> 01:13:31,893 'just as Simon's first aid started to work. 1316 01:13:31,917 --> 01:13:32,917 Oh, thank you, darling. 1317 01:13:33,083 --> 01:13:35,302 Michael. 1318 01:13:35,333 --> 01:13:38,257 You saw your wife recover and you thought of your father, 1319 01:13:38,292 --> 01:13:41,546 and then you told David that he had inherited a gift. 1320 01:13:41,583 --> 01:13:43,631 He told Jane 1321 01:13:43,667 --> 01:13:46,716 and when she, too, got better, 1322 01:13:46,750 --> 01:13:49,549 he let the bush telegraph do the rest. 1323 01:13:49,583 --> 01:13:54,840 So, you're claiming that Simon has been healing people? 1324 01:13:56,500 --> 01:13:59,800 Your father didn't have healing powers. 1325 01:13:59,833 --> 01:14:01,881 He had kindness, courage and sense, 1326 01:14:01,917 --> 01:14:06,252 and that is what Simon has inherited. 1327 01:14:06,292 --> 01:14:09,171 David envisaged something far more grandiose. 1328 01:14:09,208 --> 01:14:12,758 He told himself that as long as he stayed pure, 1329 01:14:12,792 --> 01:14:15,875 his semen would be a channel for healing. 1330 01:14:16,125 --> 01:14:20,835 And a far more powerful one than his hands could ever be. 1331 01:14:21,083 --> 01:14:25,714 Jane, beautiful, wonderful, desperate Jane, 1332 01:14:26,000 --> 01:14:29,379 presented him with the ideal test case. 1333 01:14:29,417 --> 01:14:31,385 'I'm afraid it's probable 1334 01:14:31,417 --> 01:14:33,340 'he tried the same trick on Lilac.' 1335 01:14:36,625 --> 01:14:39,253 Oh, my God. 1336 01:14:46,083 --> 01:14:47,768 Only Oliver can say what technique was used. 1337 01:14:47,792 --> 01:14:48,759 How dare you? 1338 01:14:48,792 --> 01:14:51,136 You seduced my son? 1339 01:14:51,167 --> 01:14:53,795 It was a cure. 1340 01:14:54,042 --> 01:14:56,465 He cured me. 1341 01:14:56,500 --> 01:14:58,594 - Go and get David. - Yes, Mum. 1342 01:14:58,625 --> 01:15:02,209 But people are better, and none of this explains Lilac. 1343 01:15:02,250 --> 01:15:04,298 Lilac was my fault. 1344 01:15:04,333 --> 01:15:07,758 On my first morning here, 1345 01:15:07,792 --> 01:15:12,969 I dropped a bottle of whiskey into this bucket. 1346 01:15:17,708 --> 01:15:21,633 And Lilac must have lapped and lapped. 1347 01:15:21,667 --> 01:15:26,298 She was drunk and then she was hung over. 1348 01:15:26,333 --> 01:15:27,801 Je was vomin. 1349 01:15:27,833 --> 01:15:30,052 God knows what you thought you were doing. 1350 01:15:32,708 --> 01:15:35,131 And what do you say to this? 1351 01:15:45,667 --> 01:15:48,341 Did you really throw away all your pills? 1352 01:15:48,375 --> 01:15:50,298 I don't need them. 1353 01:15:52,000 --> 01:15:55,129 I've never felt better. 1354 01:15:55,167 --> 01:15:58,626 Then why were you shouting in agony in your bedroom? 1355 01:16:04,583 --> 01:16:08,133 I don't know what's the matter with you all. 1356 01:16:08,167 --> 01:16:10,545 Jane. 1357 01:16:10,583 --> 01:16:13,462 Jane, Jane, Jane, Jane. 1358 01:16:13,500 --> 01:16:15,377 Yes. 1359 01:16:15,417 --> 01:16:17,670 Remissions occur. 1360 01:16:20,708 --> 01:16:22,176 - Davey's not in his room. - What? 1361 01:16:22,208 --> 01:16:23,835 - But I found this. - Darling. 1362 01:16:24,083 --> 01:16:26,302 The noise at the door. 1363 01:16:26,333 --> 01:16:28,756 If he overheard me... Christ. 1364 01:16:28,792 --> 01:16:31,545 Oh, wait till I find that little shit! 1365 01:16:31,583 --> 01:16:33,743 Five minutes ago, you thought he was the second coming. 1366 01:16:35,500 --> 01:16:36,717 ' ' Davey! 1367 01:16:36,750 --> 01:16:39,424 Come on, Soda. Where's Davey? 1368 01:16:39,458 --> 01:16:41,586 Davey! 1369 01:16:41,625 --> 01:16:43,423 Davey! 1370 01:16:44,792 --> 01:16:46,465 Where are you?! 1371 01:16:46,500 --> 01:16:47,797 David! 1372 01:16:47,833 --> 01:16:49,506 David! 1373 01:16:49,542 --> 01:16:50,668 David! 1374 01:16:50,708 --> 01:16:52,836 Davey! 1375 01:16:57,500 --> 01:16:59,127 David! 1376 01:17:01,375 --> 01:17:04,219 - Darling! - Davey! 1377 01:17:24,583 --> 01:17:26,836 Simon, bring Soda here! 1378 01:17:29,750 --> 01:17:30,717 - What have you got, Ted? - His pajamas. 1379 01:17:30,750 --> 01:17:33,720 Okay. Hey. Hey. 1380 01:17:33,750 --> 01:17:36,754 Huh? Go on, find Davey. 1381 01:17:36,792 --> 01:17:39,591 I think he's got something. 1382 01:17:39,625 --> 01:17:41,172 - David! - Find Davey, Soda. 1383 01:17:41,208 --> 01:17:44,291 - David! David! - Find Davey, Soda. 1384 01:17:45,792 --> 01:17:47,260 What the hell is he playing at? 1385 01:17:56,750 --> 01:17:59,833 We've got him! We've got him! 1386 01:18:02,917 --> 01:18:05,386 - He's not breathing. - Ted, let me. 1387 01:18:05,417 --> 01:18:08,842 - Davey! Oh, God! - Five, six, seven, eight, nine, 1388 01:18:09,083 --> 01:18:12,132 ten, 11, 12, 13... 1389 01:18:14,875 --> 01:18:18,209 ls he alright? 1390 01:18:18,250 --> 01:18:20,969 - Help him! - I'll call an ambulance. 1391 01:18:25,250 --> 01:18:27,548 Righto. Thank you, darling. Look, I'll go with him. 1392 01:18:27,583 --> 01:18:30,666 - You follow with Simon. - Okay, yes. 1393 01:18:30,708 --> 01:18:32,551 I love you. 1394 01:18:56,833 --> 01:18:59,177 Thank you, Ted. 1395 01:18:59,208 --> 01:19:02,291 You... you did very well. 1396 01:19:03,625 --> 01:19:04,842 It was nothing. 1397 01:19:07,792 --> 01:19:10,170 I've been a terrible father. 1398 01:19:15,000 --> 01:19:18,209 You got carried away with your own story. 1399 01:19:20,083 --> 01:19:22,882 Something we're all occasionally guilty of. 1400 01:19:28,375 --> 01:19:30,628 Would you look after things here? 1401 01:20:05,375 --> 01:20:07,252 Swafford Hall. 1402 01:20:09,750 --> 01:20:11,844 Yes, I'm her godfather. 1403 01:20:15,875 --> 01:20:17,752 Yes. 1404 01:20:22,583 --> 01:20:24,756 Yes, I'll tell her. 1405 01:20:33,167 --> 01:20:35,761 Was that the hospital? 1406 01:20:37,000 --> 01:20:38,047 Yes. 1407 01:20:39,750 --> 01:20:41,172 He could well have died out there. 1408 01:20:42,542 --> 01:20:44,544 Yes. 1409 01:20:50,083 --> 01:20:53,132 But you couldn't help yourself. 1410 01:20:53,167 --> 01:20:57,547 Your pompous speech, tearing his ego to shreds. 1411 01:20:57,583 --> 01:21:00,883 And you do realize, if you're right, 1412 01:21:01,125 --> 01:21:03,469 then my daughter is dying? 1413 01:21:04,417 --> 01:21:06,795 I know. 1414 01:21:07,042 --> 01:21:11,718 Can't resist grandstanding, can you? 1415 01:21:12,000 --> 01:21:13,752 Have to be the smartest person in the room. 1416 01:21:13,792 --> 01:21:16,716 I know. 1417 01:21:17,000 --> 01:21:18,434 No matter what damage it does to those around you. 1418 01:21:18,458 --> 01:21:20,802 I know. 1419 01:21:20,833 --> 01:21:22,756 I know. 1420 01:21:24,042 --> 01:21:25,042 I know. 1421 01:21:25,125 --> 01:21:27,219 My darling, I'm... I'm so sorry. 1422 01:21:27,250 --> 01:21:29,844 I... I have some terrible news. 1423 01:21:31,000 --> 01:21:33,799 It... It 1424 01:21:33,833 --> 01:21:36,803 It's Jane. The... The phone call. 1425 01:21:40,500 --> 01:21:42,423 I am right. 1426 01:21:43,708 --> 01:21:45,335 She is... 1427 01:21:50,667 --> 01:21:53,591 You bastard. You fucking bastard. 1428 01:21:53,625 --> 01:21:55,969 You fucking bastard! 1429 01:22:18,625 --> 01:22:20,719 Oh! 1430 01:22:30,000 --> 01:22:38,000 I We've no less days to sing God's praise 1431 01:22:38,292 --> 01:22:46,292 ♪ Than when we'd first begun ♪ 1432 01:22:50,125 --> 01:22:53,425 From the wreck of the past which hath perish'd, 1433 01:22:53,458 --> 01:22:57,838 This much I at least may recall, 1434 01:22:58,083 --> 01:23:00,506 It hath taught me that what I most cherish'd 1435 01:23:00,542 --> 01:23:04,752 Deserved to be dearest of all: 1436 01:23:04,792 --> 01:23:07,796 In the desert a fountain is springing, 1437 01:23:07,833 --> 01:23:11,337 In the wide waste there still is a tree... 1438 01:23:11,375 --> 01:23:12,752 It's alright, Dad. 1439 01:23:12,792 --> 01:23:14,385 And a bird in his solitude singing... 1440 01:23:14,417 --> 01:23:17,671 It's a fucking awful poem. 1441 01:23:17,708 --> 01:23:20,131 Which speaks to my spirit of thee. 1442 01:23:25,833 --> 01:23:28,256 Well read, young pup. 1443 01:23:28,292 --> 01:23:29,885 Thanks, Uncle Ted. 1444 01:23:30,125 --> 01:23:32,969 We'll make a poet of you yet. 1445 01:23:35,167 --> 01:23:38,501 How's the magic-free life going? 1446 01:23:40,042 --> 01:23:43,626 Normal life. It's a bit like hard work. 1447 01:23:43,667 --> 01:23:45,590 You'll get used to it. 1448 01:23:45,625 --> 01:23:48,378 So, you're the guy who hung out in an open grave? 1449 01:23:48,417 --> 01:23:50,670 - This is my son Roman. - Er... Yeah. 1450 01:23:50,708 --> 01:23:52,836 Huh. Cool. 1451 01:24:08,833 --> 01:24:10,710 'Where is Jane now? 1452 01:24:11,000 --> 01:24:12,752 'In heaven? 1453 01:24:12,792 --> 01:24:15,386 'Hell? 1454 01:24:15,417 --> 01:24:18,387 'Well, neither, obviously. 1455 01:24:18,417 --> 01:24:20,340 'She's just been chucked into the ground 1456 01:24:20,375 --> 01:24:24,676 'with all the many million Janes who have gone before. 1457 01:24:24,708 --> 01:24:28,133 'All the Toms and all the Dicks and Harrys, too. 1458 01:24:28,167 --> 01:24:30,590 'All the priests and poets and rock stars. 1459 01:24:30,625 --> 01:24:32,844 'All the fish and all the badgers and the beagles. 1460 01:24:33,083 --> 01:24:35,256 'Cucumbers and camels. 1461 01:24:35,292 --> 01:24:38,171 'Hello. Goodbye. 1462 01:24:38,208 --> 01:24:40,836 'Destination fucking nowhere.' 1463 01:24:42,667 --> 01:24:44,795 Hm. 1464 01:24:44,833 --> 01:24:47,302 Ah, sod it. 1465 01:24:47,333 --> 01:24:52,294 'But if you're looking for a miracle, try this on for size. 1466 01:24:52,333 --> 01:24:56,713 'Last night I wrote five poems. 1467 01:24:57,000 --> 01:24:58,468 'That's five more than I've managed 1468 01:24:58,500 --> 01:25:02,130 'in the larger part of three decades. 1469 01:25:02,167 --> 01:25:04,420 'This morning, another two came tumbling out 1470 01:25:04,458 --> 01:25:06,756 'and I barely broke a sweat. 1471 01:25:07,000 --> 01:25:10,300 'How? Why? 1472 01:25:10,333 --> 01:25:13,337 'Inspiration from a clear blue sky. 1473 01:25:13,375 --> 01:25:16,800 'I may be jaded, I may be old, 1474 01:25:17,042 --> 01:25:21,502 'but, fuck my best boots, I'm filled with wonder.' 1475 01:25:21,542 --> 01:25:22,885 To miracles. 1476 01:25:38,208 --> 01:25:40,131 'Now will you all kindly fuck off? 1477 01:25:40,167 --> 01:25:41,760 'I have some writing to do.' 106847

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