All language subtitles for Idiocracy

[MAN NARRATING]
As the 21st century began,

human evolution was
at a turning point.

Natural selection, the process by
which the strongest, the smartest,

the fastest reproduced in
greater numbers than the rest,

a process which had once favored
the noblest traits of man,

now began to favor
different traits.

[REPORTER]
The Joey Buttafuoco case...

Most science fiction
of the day predicted

a future that was
more civilized...

and more intelligent.

But as time went on, things seemed to
be heading in the opposite direction.

A dumbing down.

How did this happen?

Evolution does not necessarily
reward intelligence.

With no natural predators
to thin the herd,

it began to simply reward those
who reproduced the most...

and left the intelligent
to become an endangered species.

Having kids is such
an important decision.

We're just waiting
for the right time.

It's not something you want
to rush into, obviously.

No way.

Oh, shit, I'm pregnant again!

Shit! I got too many damn kids!

I thought you was on
the pill or some shit!

Hell, no!

Shit! I must've been
thinkin' of Brittany.

Brittany? No, you didn't!

There's no way we could
have a child now. Mm-mm.

Not with the market
the way it is, no.

God, no. That just
wouldn't make any sense.

Come on over here, bitch!
He don't care about you!

Yeah? Well, there must be
somethin' he likes over here.

- She don't mean nothin' to me, baby!
- Clevon!

Oh, shit.
It wasn't me! It wasn't me!

Well, we finally decided
to have children,

and I'm not pointing fingers,
but it's not going well.

And this is helping.

I'm just saying that before I have in
vitro, maybe you should be willing to...

It's always me, right?

Well, it's not my sperm count.

Yeah! Yeah!
I'm gonna fuck all y'all!

That's my boy!

Whoo! Whoo!

Clevon is lucky to be alive.

He attempted to jump
a Jet Ski from a lake...

into a swimming pool and impaled
his crotch on an iron gate.

But thanks to recent advances
in stem cell research...

and the fine work of Doctors
Krinski and Altschuler,

Clevon should regain
full reproductive function.

Get your hands off my junk!

Unfortunately, Trevor passed
away from a heart attack...

while masturbating...

to produce sperm
for artificial insemination.

But I have some eggs frozen,

so just as soon as the right guy
comes along, you know...

[CLEVON SHOUTING]

[NARRATOR] And so it
went for generations,

although few, if any,
seemed to notice.

But in the year 2005, in a military
base just outside of Washington, D.C.,

a simple army librarian
was unknowingly...

about to change the entire
course of human history.

Come on, asshole!
Go on! Take him to jail!

Hey, Bauers.

This is Peterson,
your new replacement.

- My what? I'm gettin' replaced?
- Yeah, they didn't tell you?

No. Some new assignment.

They're being all weird
and hush-hush about it.

I don't want a new assignment. I tell
Sergeant Metsler that every time.

- I'm good at this.
- Good at what? Sittin' on ass?

No one ever comes in here.

Yeah, I know. It's perfect for me.
No one bothers me. I can't screw up.

If I can just stay in here another
eight years, I get my pension.

I'm all set. Can you just
get me out of this?

No way. Not this time.
It's coming from high up.

Jesus. I don't understand.
Why me?

Every time Metsler says,
"Lead, follow, or

"get out of the way," I
get out of the way.

When he says that, you're not supposed
to choose "get out of the way."

It's supposed to embarrass you into
leading or at least following.

That doesn't embarrass me.

Look, Joe.
You don't have a choice.

You're just gonna
have to follow.

Like, follow me upstairs,
like, now.

Right now?
Shouldn't I train this guy?

I think he can figure out how to sit on
his ass and watch TV all day. Let's go.

[MAN]
Gentlemen, meet Joe Bauers,

our first subject for the
Human Hibernation Experiment.

Now, as you know,
throughout the years,

many of our best pilots,
soldiers and military leaders...

often go their entire careers
without ever seeing battle.

With the Human Hibernation Project,
we will be able to save our best men,

frozen in their prime, for use
when they are needed most.

Joe, here, is not
one of our best men.

Mr. Bauers was chosen primarily
for how remarkably average he is.

Extremely average in every
category. Remarkable, truly.

The most average person
in our entire armed forces.

Additionally, he has no
family, is unmarried,

is an only child, and both
parents are deceased,

making him an ideal candidate, with
no one to ask any nosy questions...

should something go wrong
with the experiment.

We had a little less
luck in finding a female

researcher's dream
within our ranks...

and were forced to look
into the private sector.

This is Rita. Like Joe,
she has no immediate family.

Rita agreed to participate
in this experiment...

in exchange for dropping of certain
criminal charges and a small fee.

We did, however, have to come to
an arrangement with her pimp,

a gentleman who goes by the name
Upgrayedd, which he spells thusly...

With two D's, as he says, for a
double dose of this pimping.

Upgrayedd agreed to loan us
Rita for exactly one year...

and keep quiet on the matter, in
exchange for certain leeways...

with the local authorities
in running his pimp game.

First, however, there was the difficult
challenge of gaining his trust.

Collins, could we skip
to the technicals, please?

Sure. Let me just finish here.

You see, a pimp's love is very
different from that of a square.

Collins!

Fine. We'll move on.

It is a fascinating
world though.

Jesus, Collins.

Yeah, that's... [CLEARS THROAT]

Anyway, the experiment
in which these two subjects...

are to be placed
into a dry freeze...

for exactly one year
is set to begin tomorrow.

As you know,
this is highly classified.

However, if successful, we believe
humans can be stored indefinitely.

So this is kinda crazy, huh?

What unit are you with? Oh,
I ain't in the service.

Oh, private sector. Okay.

So, uh, what do you do? A little
of this, a little of that.

Wow, that's great.

You know, I really envy people
that can make a living that way...

Doing a little of this
and a little of that.

I, uh, had a neighbor, Glen. He
used to make chainsaw sculptures,

and then he'd sell 'em
at the flea market.

Yeah.

So, uh, you an artist
or somethin'?

Uh, yeah. You do paintings or...

- Yeah, paintings.
- Okay, great.

- Mm-hmm.
- What do you paint mostly?

I don't know, just...
people and fruit and shit.

Wow. Well, must be great to be able to
make a living doing something you love.

[SCOFFS] Yeah. It's not
all it's cracked up to be.

[DOOR OPENS] [COLLINS
] Who wants to go first?

Me.

[MACHINERY WHIRRING] What
the f... Oh, hell, no. Uh-uh.

Hey, no. You probably don't want to do
that with the I.V.s attached and all.

What's the matter?

Man, Upgrayedd didn't tell
me they'd be putting me...

in no damn coffin
with tubes and shit!

Oh, no, don't worry about it.
It'll be safe. Trust me.

Who's Upgrayedd?

He's my boyfriend.

Man, how do you know
this shit's safe?

These guys know what they're doing.
Don't worry.

They've tested it on dogs
and everything.

What happens is, the drugs
will kick in, we drift off to

sleep, we wake up in a year,
you'll be paintin' again.

It'll be fine. All right.

Upgrayedd. That's an interesting name.
Is he Dutch?

See, 'cause I knew this,
uh, Dutch exchange student.

His name was Untgrad.

Okay, my niggas,
we're almost set here.

Just go ahead
and lie down. Relax.

[EQUIPMENT BEEPING]

See you in a year.

[NARRATOR]
The Human Hibernation Project...

was one of the army's most
ambitious experiments...

and one of its most secretive.

But it was not immune
from human error.

Freeze!

[GROANS]

Soon after Collins's arrest and the
massive scandal that followed,

the base was closed.

It hadn't even been a year, and the
entire project was simply forgotten.

Things looked bleak for Joe, but
they were even worse for mankind.

As Joe and Rita lay dormant,
the years passed,

and mankind became stupider
at a frightening rate.

Some had high hopes
that genetic engineering...

would correct this
trend in evolution.

But sadly, the greatest minds
and resources...

were focused on conquering hair
loss and prolonging erections.

[ORANGUTAN CHATTERING]

Meanwhile, the population exploded, and
intelligence continued to decline...

until humanity was incapable of
solving even its most basic problems.

Like garbage, which had been stacked
for centuries with no plan whatsoever,

leading to the Great Garbage
Avalanche of 2505,

which would set in motion the events
that would change the world forever.

[BACKUP WARNING BEEPING]

Hold on. [MAN ON TV] Next,
on The Violence Channel,

an all-new Ow! My Balls!

[SCREAMING]

All right. [CHUCKLING
] - [BEEPING]

[SNARLING] [SCREAMING]

[CHUCKLING]

[GROANS]

[MAN WATCHING TV]
That guy got hit in the balls.

Ow, my balls!

[GROANS] [MAN ON TV SCREAMING]

Huh?

[GROANING]

[TV: TIRES SQUEALING, MAN SCREAMING
] [MAN WATCHING TV LAUGHS]

[JOE] Where's... Hold on.
Shut up!

[MAN LAUGHING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

- Where's Officer Collins?
- Shut up!

[MAN ON TV] Next week on Ow!
My Balls!, Hormel goes to Paris!

- Are we on base?
- I'm gonna base your ass on my fist.

In your face, ass! Shut up.

I'm sorry. It's just...
Where am I?

Shut up! I told you already!

[FLUSHES]

Yeah! Wouldn't shut up!

Come in here and not shut up.

Yeah, you were like, "I'm not
shuttin' up," and I was like...

[NARRATOR]
Unaware of what year it was,

Joe wandered the streets,
desperate for help.

But the English language
had deteriorated...

into a hybrid of hillbilly, valley girl,
inner-city slang and various grunts.

Joe was able to understand
them, [INDISTINCT]

But when he spoke
in an ordinary voice,

he sounded pompous
and faggy to them.

[MAN ON P.A.]
Paging Doc... [SLURRING]

Report to, uh...

Dr. Lueboo,

uh, report.

Your floor... Your floor is now clean.
[BEEPING]

Your floor...
Your floor is now clean.

Your floor...
Your floor is now clean.

Hi, uh, I was in an army experiment,
and I'm not feeling so well.

I think it might have been
the drugs they had me on.

I've been hallucinating.

My head is just killin' me.

My-My-My joints
are all achy and I...

Is this a hospital or...

Actually, I don't
even know where I am.

[BEEPS]

[ELECTRONIC VOICE] Please proceed
to the diagnostic area on the right,

- and have a healthy day!
- Oh. Thanks.

Thank you!

Uh, 'scuse me. I think this
might be Gatorade or somethin'.

I was just looking for
some regular water.

Water?

- Yeah.
- You mean like in the toilet? What for?

You know, just to drink.

[LAUGHING]

[CONTINUES LAUGHING]

♪♪ [ELECTRONIC TUNE] [ELECTRONIC
VOICE] You've got hepatitis!

Oh, is someone not feeling well?

Your illness
is very important to us.

[MAN] Next. - [ELECTRONIC VOICE]
Welcome to the Healthmaster Inferno,

powered by Jormi Technology.
Uh, this goes in your mouth.

This one goes in your ear.
And this one goes in your butt.

Come on.

- Hurry up, asshole!
- Come on!

[BEEPING]
Shit. Hang on a second.

This one... No.

- Hey, come on.
- Uh...

- Hurry up!
- This one. This one goes in your mouth.

Come on!

[ELECTRONIC VOICE]
Thank you for waiting.

Dr. Lexus will be
with you shortly.

That's a weird misprint.

Hey. How's it hang, ese?

Yeah. Right.
Well, not so good, you know.

I don't really know what's going
on, but I'm seein' things.

I think it might be because of
these drugs the army put me on.

But if you could, uh, just get me
well enough to get back to base...

Right. Kick ass.

Well, don't wanna sound
like a dick or nothin',

but, uh, it says on your chart
that you're fucked up.

You talk like a fag,
and your shit's all retarded.

What I'd do is just like,
like, you know,

like, you know what I mean?
Like... [CHUCKLES]

No, I'm serious here. - [
CHUCKLES] Don't worry, scrot.

Now there are plenty of 'tards out
there living really kick-ass lives.

My first wife was 'tarded.
She's a pilot now.

I need for you to be serious for a
second here, okay? I need help.

There's that fag talk
we talked about.

All right, so that'll be...
this many dollars.

And if you could just go ahead and,
like, put your tattoo in that shit.

That's weird. This thing has the
same misprint as that magazine.

- What are the odds of...
- Where's your tattoo? Tattoo?

Why don't you have this?

Oh, God.

- Where's your tattoo?
- Oh, my God.

Why come you don't
have a tattoo?

[JOE] Oh, my God! You're
not unscannable, are you?

Oh, my God!

- You're unscannable.
- [ALARM WAILING]

- Unscannable!
- No! No, you don't understand!

You gotta let me talk to someone
in the army! Wait a second.

They're all dead.
Everybody I know's dead!

Oh, my God! Oh!

- [SCREAMING]
- [SCREAMING]

- No! Stop! Calm down!
- Calm down! Calm down!

- How'd this happen?
- How did it happen?

- [ALARM CONTINUES]
- Your floor is now clean.

Your floor is now clean.

[NARRATOR] Joe had awakened
to a world in crisis.

The economy was
in a state of deep neglect.

A great dust bowl
had ravaged food supplies.

And the number one movie
in the country was called Ass.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And that's all it was
for 90 minutes.

[MOVIE: FARTING]

It won eight Oscars that year,
including best screenplay.

[ELECTRONIC VOICE]
Enjoy your Extra Big-Ass Fries.

You didn't gimme no fries.
I got an empty box.

Would you like another
Extra Big-Ass Fries?

I said I didn't get any.

[ELECTRONIC VOICE] Thank you.
Your account has been charged.

Your balance is zero.

What? Oh, no. No! Please come back when
you can afford to make a purchase.

[BEEPING] I'm sorry
you're having trouble.

Come on! My kids are starvin'.
I'm sorry you're having trouble.

[BUZZES]

This should help you calm down.

Please come back when you
can afford to make a purchase.

Your kids are starving. Carl's Jr.
Believes no child should go hungry.

You are an unfit mother.
Your children will

be placed in the
custody of Carl's Jr.

Carl's Jr.
"Fuck you. I'm eating."

Welcome to Carl's Jr.

Would you like to try
our Extra Big-Ass Taco,

now with more molecules?

Hey! Is this particular
individual the unfit mother?

Me? No.

Okay. This particular
individual is unscannable.

Listen, I can explain, okay?
I was in an army experiment.

Wait a second. There's the other
pod from the army experiment.

There was a girl. She was
from the same experiment.

Yeah, that's enough
of your bullshit, sir.

[GROANING]

[NARRATOR] Joe was arrested for
not paying his hospital bill...

and not having
his U.P.C. tattoo.

He would soon discover that in the
future, justice was not only blind...

but had become
rather retarded as well.

You shut up! Now...
[CLEARS THROAT]

I'm fixin' to commensurate
this trial here.

We gonna see if we can't come
up with a verdict up in here.

Now, since y'all
say you ain't got no money,

we have "proprietarily"
obtained for you...

one of them
court-appointed lawyers.

So, put your hands together and
give it up for Frito Pendejo.

You're my lawyer?

Says here you, uh,
robbed a hospital?

Why'd you do that?
Yeah. I'm not guilty.

That's not what the other lawyer said.
What do you mean what the...

Listen, you gotta get me
on the stand, okay?

I can explain everything. We can take
'em to your house, show 'em the pod.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Now, prosecutor,
why you think he done it?

Okay, number one, Your Honor,
just look at him.

[ALL LAUGHING]

He talks like a fag too.
[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

And "B," we've got all this,
like, evidence...

of how, like, this guy didn't
even pay at the hospital.

And I heard that he doesn't
even have his tattoo.

- [CROWD GRUMBLING]
- I know!

And I'm all, "You've gotta be shittin'
me." But check this out, man.

Judge should be like,
"Guilty." Peace.

[CROWD CHEERING]

- Objection!
- What are you objectifyin' on?

Come on. Just get me on the stand.
Okay.

- Um, Your Honor?
- Hmm?

I object...

that this guy also broke
my apartment to shit.

- Yeah.
- What?

And you know what else?
I object that he's

not gonna have any
money to pay me...

after he pays back all the money
he stole from the hospital!

Don't say I stole.
You're my lawyer.

And I object.

I object that he interrupted me
while I was watching Ow! My Balls!

[ALL BOOING] - That is not okay!
And I rest my case!

Your Honor, I'm pretty sure
we have a mistrial here, sir.

I'm gonna mistrial my foot up your ass,
you don't shut up. - [ALL LAUGHING]

- Please, listen.
- "Please, listen."

- [ALL LAUGHING]
- I didn't steal anything.

I was part of an army
experiment...

[NARRATOR] Joe stated his case
logically and passionately,

but his perceived effeminate voice only
drew big gales of stupid laughter.

- Guilty!
- [CROWD CHEERING]

Without adequate legal representation,
Joe was given a stiff sentence.

Meanwhile, Rita had awakened to find
that the world's oldest profession...

was a lot easier when the
world is populated by morons.

[FEMALE VOICE] Welcome
to AOL, Time Warner,

Taco Bell, U.S.
Government long distance.

Please say the name
of the person you wish to call.

Upgrayedd.

There are 9,726 listings
for Upgrayedd.

Please deposit $2,000
to begin connection.

Man, what? Oh, yeah, baby.

Hey, look, can you just...
Can you wait a second, please?

Oh, yeah, baby.
I can wait so good.

Really?

Think, uh... You think maybe
you could wait a day?

Baby, I can wait two days.

Huh. That's good,
'cause I charge by the hour.

Oh, yeah? Well, you gonna
be glad you waited, baby.

Thank you very much, young man.

What the fuck?

Goddamn, shit's changed
in a year.

What are we doin' here?

Okay, sir, we're engaged
in procuring your tattoo.

[ELECTRONIC VOICE] Welcome to the
Identity Processing Program of America.

Please insert your forearm
into the forearm receptacle.

Thank you. [MECHANICAL WHIRRING]

Please speak your name as it appears on
your current federal identity card...

Document number G24L8.
I'm not sure if...

You have entered the name "Not
Sure." Is this correct, Not Sure?

No, it's not correct. [DINGS]

Thank you. "Not" is correct.
Is "Sure" correct?

No, it's not. My name
is Joe... [BEEPING]

You've already confirmed
your first name is Not.

Please confirm your
last name, "Sure." My...

My last name is not Sure.
[DINGS]

- Thank you, Not Sure.
- No. What I mean is my name is Joe.

Confirmation is complete.
Please wait while

I tattoo your new
identity on your arm.

Wait a second. Can we start over?
Can I cancel this? - [BUZZING]

Can we cancel this and just
go back to the beginning?

They're gonna tat... Ow. Could
I speak to your supervisor?

- Ow!
- Please hold still for your photograph.

- [WHIRRING]
- [BEEPING]

Oh, that's fuckin' great.

Okay, sir,

now we will begin to proceed to
obtain your I.Q. and "apitude" tests.

What for?

Okay, sir, this is to figure out
what your "aptude's" good at...

and get you a jail job while you're
being a particular individual in jail.

[ELECTRONIC VOICE] If you have one
bucket that holds two gallons...

and another bucket
that holds five gallons,

how many buckets do you have?

Two?

Thank you.

♪ Lord, I wonder
what's the matter ♪

♪ Time, you know, with time ♪

♪ It seems like the hours
Oh, everything done changed ♪

♪ But I hold up my hand ♪

♪ Lord, I'm tryin'
to make you understand ♪

♪ Lord, you know, uh,
everybody... they tell me ♪

♪ Somebody done hoodooed
the hoodoo man ♪

♪ Now you know I buzzed
your bell this mornin' ♪

♪ Baby, you had your elevator
running slow ♪ - 'Too.

♪ I buzzed your bell little girl,
to take me up on the third floor ♪

♪ But I hold up my hand ♪

♪ Lord, I'm trying to make
you understand ♪

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
♪ Lord, you know, uh ♪

♪ They tells the baby ♪

♪ That somebody done hoodooed
the hoodoo man ♪ [LAUGHS]

♪ Lookee here, baby ♪♪

[NARRATOR] Desperate and scared,

Joe used his superior
intelligence...

to come up with the best
escape plan he could think of.

Hi. Excuse me. I'm actually supposed to
be getting out of prison today, sir.

Yeah.

You're in the wrong line,
dumb ass. Over there.

I'm sorry. I am being
a big dumb ass. Sorry.

Hey, uh,
let this dumb ass through.

[BEEPING]

[WARNING BUZZER BUZZING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

'Too. Yeah. Got it.

[BEEPING]

Uh, yeah, I don't see you in here.
So,

you're gonna have to,
uh, stay in prison.

Could you check again?

'Cause, I was, you know... I was
definitely in prison, okay?

I got sat on my face and everything.
Maybe check those files back there?

[ALARM BLARING] [ELECTRONIC
VOICE] "Excape." "Excape."

"Excape." "Excape."

"Excape." "Excape."

♪ Come back ♪

♪ Oh, baby, come back ♪

♪ Come back ♪

♪ Oh, baby... ♪♪

[MAN] The Masturbation Network.

Keepin' America 'batin'
for 300 years.

And now, Sweet Bang Tube.
[SQUEAKING ON TV]

Oh, yeah, give me some.
Cut me a piece.

[SQUEAKING CONTINUES]

Oh, yeah, that's... [KNOCKING]

Go away! 'Batin'!

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Damn it.

[KNOCKING] All right.

Hey. Hey, get out of here.
Hey, get out of here!

No, wait, listen. You let me, an
innocent man, get thrown in jail.

So? Shut up,
'cause you broke my house.

Hey, I could have you disbarred...
disbarred... for what you did to me.

Then maybe you'd go to jail
for not havin' any money.

Oh, really?

Yeah, really. Now, look.
Okay, here's the deal.

I've been thinking.
It's been 500 years.

Someone has to have invented a way
to travel back in time by now.

You know, I think they were pretty
close even in my day. You know?

With Einstein and guys like that?
Uh-huh.

- You know, scientists? You know?
- Uh.

A time machine, for time travel.

Do they have one? What?

[TIRES SQUEALING,
CAR CRASHING IN DISTANCE]

Jesus. I knew that was
too much to hope for.

No, no, they got a time machine.

They do? Yeah.

Are-Are-Are you sure? Yeah.

Can it get me back to 2005?

Oh, yeah, but it's,
like, really expensive.

And it breaks all the time 'cause some
smart guy made it a long time ago.

I don't care.
Just get me there, okay?

Well... Please!

Listen, I... I...
I "supersize" with you,

but didn't you go to jail
for not havin' enough money?

Okay, how about this? You get me to the
time machine, and when I get back...

I open a savings account
in your name.

That way, 500 years later,
it'll be worth billions.

Billions! 'Cause?

'Cause of the interest, it'll
be worth billions of dollars.

- Oh, I... I like money.
- Yeah.

- How many billions?
- Like, 10.

Yeah, suck one.
Time machine costs, like, 20.

Yeah? Okay. Uh, 30, Frito.

Thirty billion dollars.

Thirty billion.
So if you gave me 30 billion,

and the time machine's 20...

What's the minus of 30 and 20?

Uh, it's, uh... it's 80, Frito.

It's $80 billion. That's a
mighty big minus, isn't it?

Yeah. I like money though. - [
MAN] Police! Open the door!

[BANGING ON DOOR] - We're looking
for an "excaped" individual.

This particular individual's
name is Not Sure.

Eighty billion.

Oh, um, he...
He's... somewhere else.

You got something I can wear?

Yeah. There's Pro-Wear on the
top, assorted in the middle.

[POLICEMAN] A Coke machine in
the vicinity caught his tattoo.

Seemed to be heading
for this particular "domistile."

[BANGING] Okay,
sir, we're comin' in.

- No, you can't come in.
- Can too!

Come on! All right, let's
go get my billions.

[BANGING CONTINUES]

Oh, okay, one more thing. We gotta go
find this girl, Rita, first, okay?

Is she bangin'?
Yeah, sure, she is.

That wasn't really
part of the deal.

Okay, I'll, uh, throw in another couple
billion, all right? I like money.

Okay, her pod's up here on the right.
She shouldn't be far away, I hope.

Mmm, girl. Oh, yeah?
So when we gonna do it?

'Cause you been chargin' me by the
hour, and it's been, like, three days.

Oh, yeah. Soon, baby, soon.
Hey, you know what?

Why don't you
come back tomorrow?

Yeah, yeah, baby, yeah! Yeah?

When I finally utilize you,
you gonna be paying me.

That's right.
Whatever you say, sir.

- Hey, you still on the clock!
- Yeah, girl.

Thank you! Rita!

Rita! It's me, Joe, from the experiment.
Get in the car! Come on.

Oh, yeah! What the hell, man?

Just get in the car.
I'll explain everything.

Where we going?
Just get in the car.

Trust me. What happened
to those army guys?

[SIREN BLARING] Wait a minute.
You got cops after you?

Yeah. And you made me get in the car?
I got two strikes, asshole!

Frito, take a right here.
Right, right!

Into that dust storm, Frito.

[JOE] They must have
just forgotten about us.

[RITA] It's been 500 years?
Oh, hell, no!

Upgrayedd is gonna kill me! He gets mad
when I'm a day late with his money!

So, you owe
your boyfriend money?

Well, yeah,
he's sort of my manager too.

You know, he helps me sell
the paintings and shit.

Look, Rita, you gotta
understand that.

Upgrayedd's been dead
for a long time now.

Yeah, man, but you said there
was a time machine, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, there's a time machine now
that can take us back to the past,

but there was no
time machine back then, so...

Upgrayedd don't care where the time
machine is. Now, then, last week...

He will find a way
to come get his money!

All I'm saying is you don't
have to worry about it...

You know what?

Last time you told me not to worry
was 500 goddamn years ago...

when you were trying to tell
me to get into some coffin.

Look, Rita, I don't know how
this happened, okay? - [BUZZING]

But I'm doing everything I can to get
us back there, okay? I promise you.

[ELECTRONIC VOICE] You are harboring
a fugitive by the name of Not Sure.

Please, pull over and wait for the
police to incarcerate your passenger.

Hell, no. You know what? Let me
outta here. Thank you for your help.

If you don't have one of these,
they're gonna throw you in jail.

You don't want to get thrown in
the jails here. I've been in them.

They're bad. You're better off being
with us, as bad as that sounds.

What are you doing? Why
are we slowing down?

Turned off my battery.

Look, how far is it? Can we
just take a cab or something?

[MACHINE-GUN FIRE]

Oh, shit.

[EXPLOSION]

Oh! Oh, shit!

- [CHEERING]
- Yeah!

What the hell's wrong
with you? That's your car.

[FRITO] Oh, hell, yeah!
He's on fire!

Come on! Let's get out of here.

[RITA]
Hey, how much farther is it?

Uh, it's, like, far.

Man, I could really go for
a Starbucks, you know?

Yeah, well, I really don't think
we have time for a hand job, Joe.

♪ Better than Superman
Faster than an airplane ♪

Man, he don't seem too bright. You
sure he knows where he's going?

I sure hope so.
He's our only chance.

♪ And fuckin' inflexible ♪ - How'd
you hook up with this guy, anyway?

He's my lawyer. And he's not
a very good one either.

[JOE] He's a goddamned idiot.

There's a shuttle down in the Costco.
It'll drop us right by the time machine.

Jesus Christ.
Oh, look. One more thing.

He thinks he's gonna get billions
of dollars if he takes us there.

So if he mentions anything about a
savings account, just play along, okay?

Yeah, what if this
time machine don't work?

Then I'll spend the rest of
my life trying to fix it.

Welcome to Costco. I love you.
Welcome to Costco. I love you.

Welcome to Costco. I love you.

[GOATS BLEATING] [DUCK QUACKING]

Shuttle's down there in electronics,
about an hour from here.

[RITA] We've been walking forever.
You sure you know where you're going?

Yeah, I know this place pretty good.
I went to law school here.

In Costco?

Yeah. I couldn't
believe it myself.

Luckily, my dad was an alumnus
and pulled some strings.

Hey, come on, Joe.
I already told you,

we'd all like a hand job,
but we don't have time for it.

[WOMAN] Hey, baby, wanna go out?

Wanna go out, honey?

Shuttle comes every few minutes.
Shouldn't be long.

- Do I got time to use the bathroom?
- [LAUGHING]

[IMITATES FARTING, CHUCKLES]

[FRITO] Uh, the toilet.
Be right back.

Yeah, back that thing up.

Hey, you mind if I pound
on that, Joe? What?

I like having sex with chicks.
Yeah?

Yeah. I think everybody
does, Frito.

Not like I do. Like when you
get it like this, sideways.

Then you just, like,
back it up. And then you...

- That's real good.
- Then you... Oh, yeah!

Stop! You're gonna
get us caught, okay?

[ALARM BLARING] [ELECTRONIC
VOICE] Warning! Warning!

Costco has detected a dangerous
fugitive in aisle 16,702.

Hey! What about Rita?
We can't just leave her here.

I don't care. Come on!

[SIRENS WAILING] - Oh, shit.
Wait a second. What are we gonna do?

Wait, okay, I know.
Here's what we do.

We go to the time machine,
then when I get back

to the past, I tell her
not to do the experiment.

Then she won't even be here.
That'll work, right?

Uh... No, wait. [ELECTRONIC VOICE]
Please stand clear of the doors.

She already is here. That must mean
I didn't go back in time, right?

Uh... No, wait, hold on. It just
means I haven't done it yet.

Okay, so I go back and I tell
her not to do the experiment.

Then I won't have to do it
either because she won't be here.

Then I won't have to come
back and save her, right? I...

- But then, wait. Why am I still here?
- Uh...

Goddamn, how does
this time travel work?

Please stand clear. - [POLICEMAN
] Freeze! Hands up! Don't move!

Put your hands up!
Don't move! Freeze!

Look, if you guys are
taking me back to that jail,

just go ahead and shoot me,
'cause there's no way...

Ow! Fuck! Ow! Ow!

- What?
- Ow! Ow. Ow. Ow.

[POLICEMAN] What? [SPRAYING]

[JOE] Ow! God! Hey, stop!
Damn it.

[JOE] What is this? [POLICEMAN]
Okay, sir, this is the White House.

What are we doing at
the White House? What?

[SPRAYING] Ow! Ow! Goddamn!

[NARRATOR] It turned out the
results of Joe's I.Q. test...

had caught the attention of the
highest levels of government.

Okay, wait a minute. I'm the
smartest guy in the world? Says who?

The I.Q. test you
took in prison.

You got the highest score in history.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

Yeah, dumb ass, you're even
smarter than President Camacho.

That's how come he's making
you secretary of interior.

Okay, so who are you?

I'm the secretary of energy.

He won a contest.
Got to be a cabinet member.

I'm the secretary of state.
Brought to you by Carl's Jr.

- Why do you keep saying that?
- 'Cause they pay me every time I do.

It's a really good
way to make money.

You're so smart, why
don't you know that?

[ALL CHUCKLING]

He's the secretary of defense.
Hi.

And, uh, funbags over there
is the attorney general.

[WHISPERS] Hi.

And that's
the secretary of education.

He's kinda stupid, but he's
President Camacho's stepbrother.

Still, he does
a pretty good job, eh?

You know, I think there's been
some kind of mistake,

'cause the test I took
was real, real easy.

I'm not the smartest guy
in the world. Okay?

Okay, even if that were true, I can't
be the secretary of the interior.

I don't even know what it is.

[SECRETARY OF STATE]
You better find out.

- Sit down. It's President Camacho.
- Hey, hey, hey, yo,

I gotta take care of some "bidness,"
baby, so I need y'all to wait outside.

[NARRATOR] Dwayne Elizondo Camacho,
five-time Ultimate Smackdown Champion,

porn superstar, and president
of the United States...

had called a special summit with
the smartest man in the world.

- So you smart, huh?
- No, no.

- I thought your head would be bigger.
- [MUTTERING]

Goddamn.

It look like a peanut.
[ALL LAUGHING]

Let's get you sworn in.

♪♪ [ROCK INSTRUMENTAL]

[ANNOUNCER] Ladies and gentlemen,
the president of America!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[ANNOUNCER] President Camacho!

[LAUGHING] Shut up.

Shut up. Sit your monkey ass down.
♪♪ [ENDS]

Chill out.

Shit.

I know shit's bad right now
with all that starvin' bullshit.

And the dust storms. And we runnin' out
of French fries and burrito coverings.

[MAN] Yeah!

But I got a solution.

That's what you said
last time, dipshit!

I got a solution. You're a dick!

South Carolina, "whassup?"
[ALL CHEERING]

That's what I thought!

Now, I understand everyone's
shit's emotional right now,

but listen up.

I got a three-point plan
to fix everything.

[MAN] Break it down, Camacho!

Number one,
we got this guy, Not Sure.

Number two, he's got a higher I.Q.
than any man alive. - [CHEERING]

And number three, he's gonna
fix everything. [APPLAUSE]

I give you my word as president.

He'll fix the problems
with all the dead crops.

He's gonna make 'em grow again.

Crops?

And that ain't all. ♪
I give you my word ♪

♪♪ [ELECTRIC GUITAR]

♪ He's gonna fix
the dust storms too ♪

♪ I give you my word ♪

♪ He's gonna fix the "ecomony" ♪

♪♪ [ELECTRIC GUITAR CONTINUES]

♪ And he's so smart ♪

♪ He's gonna do it all in one
week ♪ - [CROWD CHEERING]

[NARRATOR] President
Camacho stood

before the world and
promised everyone...

that Joe would solve
all their problems.

He would not only end the dust
bowl and heal the economy,

but he would cure acne
and carsickness as well.

And if he didn't,

President Camacho
made another promise.

He would kick Joe's smart balls all the
way up to the roof of his smart mouth.

And then, he would throw his brainy
ass back in jail. - [SHOUTING]

I should, uh, be honest
with you, Mr. President.

I don't know how to be
secretary of anything.

I mean, I've never
even voted, actually.

I don't know what the secretary
of the interior even is.

Come on, scrot. Don't be a pussy.
It beats jail, don't it?

Besides, you do a kick-ass job,

you get a full
presidential pardon.

No jail time. [LAUGHING] Yeah?

Fuck, yeah! Now gimme a beer.

And get you one too.

[LAUGHING]

Shit! [LAUGHING]

Hold on, vato!

Whoo! [ENGINE REVVING]

[LAUGHING]

- Do somethin' smart.
- Yeah.

Uh, okay. Uh...

- I'll, uh...
- [DOOR OPENS]

- Hey, we found that lawyer you wanted.
- Oh, okay. Great, thanks.

Uh, right now, I'm going to, uh,
you know, confer with my counsel.

You understand?
So I'll be right back.

Gotta go, uh, work on some crop
stuff, get that taken care of.

Hopefully get it worked out
by the time we get back here.

Sounds pretty smart.

Wait here, okay? Wait there.

Dude, this is trepidatious. You
got me a room at the White House.

Everyone gets laid at the White House.
Everyone.

Yeah? Yeah.

I'm real glad you're
happy to be here,

Frito, but I brought
you here to help me.

I don't know the first
thing about growin'

crops, much less the
goddamn "ecomony."

Econ-Economy.

Let's see. Growin' crops...

No, I just need you to tell me
how to get to the time machine.

Oh, that's easy. You go down
by the museum and stuff.

It's, like...
It's, like, by the museum,

sort of, but, well,
actually, not really.

More like... But on the street. You
go, um... Wait. Let me start over.

Okay, you know
where the time machine is?

Hey. Just draw me a map, okay?

You still want the money?

Oh. If I had some money
and a room at the White House,

I would be like, "It's
mine, all night!"

Listen. Cut it out!

Listen, I told these people
that you were smart, okay?

- So act smart!
- Smart like you?

[WITH EFFEMINATE VOICE
] "Oh, I gotta go"

to the time machine.
I wanna go home."

- I don't talk like that.
- "I don't talk like that."

Shit, I thought
there was two of you.

[LAUGHS] See?

[SECRETARY OF DEFENSE]
Doesn't look that big, is it?

Okay. Let's go take a look
at those crops.

Especially the ones, uh, you know,
out around the museum area.

All right? Hey, come on!

Now, you either lead, follow, or
get out of the way. All right?

Whoa. Did you just make that up?

Yes, I did. Now look,

I also need help finding this girl
named Rita, like, immediately,

and Frito will give
you a hand with it.

Why?

Well, because, uh, you know, she'd be
an essential... integral... asset,

you know, for our team,
for us to, you know, utilize.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Utilize her! Utilize her!

[SECRETARY OF STATE] Utilize!

[LAUGHING] - Hey, uh, but
you're gonna bring her here, right?

Oh, yeah. Butt first!

[ALL LAUGHING]

[SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
] Utilize her! Okay.

Dang! May I approach
your benches?

Uh, yeah. This sucks pretty bad.

Frito, why don't you come over
here and, uh, take a look at this?

Come on. Hustle over here, buddy.
I wanna figure this out.

See, uh, just not a lot of moisture.
Have you got the map?

Oh, yeah. Discreetly.

It's right there.
I see it. I see it.

Stand up with me.

Yo, Mr. Secretary Not Sure. They
found that whore you wanted.

Hey, that may be how you refer to
women in the future, but come on.

No, sir. Turns out she charged some
guy a lotta money and didn't put out.

Don't worry though.
We'll get her out...

on a work-release whorin' license
as long as you're doin' her.

Get your hands off me. What do you think
I'm gonna do, run through the field?

What the fuck
are you all starin' at?

Joe? That's Not Sure, ma'am.

- Secretary Not Sure.
- Secretary? Secretary of what?

Say, would you guys mind if we had
a little moment together? Alone?

You know, in the bushes?

Oh, man.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Fuck her, Joe!

Hey, you want us to come
along, make sure she puts out?

No, thanks.
I can handle it. Yeah.

I thought you was in jail. How'd you
get to be the secretary of interior?

Just keep walking.
I'll explain everything.

Okay. Get ready to run.

What? Oh, goddamn it.

Way to go, Frito. You know what?
Just make a run for it anyways.

We'll ask for directions
on the way.

No way. I spent the last two days
looking for it. It ain't easy to find.

Damn it. I can't go back to jail, and
I sure can't solve these problems.

All's I know is I better find
Upgrayedd before he finds me.

Listen to me. Upgrayedd cannot
find you, okay? It's impossible!

Oh, yeah? Yeah! And
even if Upgrayedd...

could somehow magically
travel through time,

we got secret service guys with
huge guns protecting us, okay?

So don't worry. You're safe.

And you know what? It's none of my
business, but when we get back,

you and Upgrayedd should seriously
think about couples counseling, okay?

And you should also think
about maybe finding

an art manager who's not
also your boyfriend.

Hey! She's not puttin' out?

Uh, no, she is.
We, uh... We already did it.

Yeah. He was great.

Okay. Hey, a couple of us guys
were wonderin', uh,

if we'd go family-style on her.

Uh, yeah,
probably not right now.

We should focus on the crops. So
let's get back to work. Maybe later.

What the hell is this?

Tastes like Gatorade. - [RITA
] Is that that Brawndo stuff?

[JOE] They're watering
crops with a sports drink?

[NARRATOR] Brawndo the Thirst
Mutilator had come to replace water...

virtually everywhere.

Water, the basic component
of all life,

had been deemed a threat
to Brawndo's profit margin.

The solution came during
the budget crisis of 2330...

when the Brawndo Corporation
simply bought the F.D.A...

and the F.C.C...

enabling them to say,
do and sell...

anything they wanted.

Joe didn't know any of this,

but he did see a problem that he
might actually be able to solve.

[INDISTINCT] With his options
running out, Joe took a bold step.

He would not get out of the way.

This time, he would lead.

For the last time,
I'm pretty sure...

what's killing the crops
is this Brawndo stuff.

But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
It's got electrolytes.

So wait a minute.
What you're saying...

is that you want us
to put water on the crops.

- Yes.
- Water. Like out the toilet?

Well, I mean, it doesn't
have to be out of

the toilet, but, yeah,
that's the idea.

- But Brawndo's got what plants crave.
- It's got electrolytes.

Okay, look.

The plants aren't growing, so I'm pretty
sure that the Brawndo's not working.

Now, I'm no botanist, but I do know that
if you put water on plants, they grow.

Well, I've never seen no plants
grow out of no toilet.

Hey, that's good. You sure you ain't
the smartest guy in the world?

[CHUCKLING] - You wanna solve
this problem. I wanna get my pardon.

So why don't we just try it, okay, and
not worry about what plants crave?

Brawndo's got what plants crave.

- Goddamn it.
- Yeah, it's got electrolytes.

What are electrolytes?
Do you even know?

It's what they use
to make Brawndo.

Yeah, but why do they
use them to make Brawndo?

'Cause Brawndo's
got electrolytes.

[NARRATOR] After several hours, Joe
finally gave up on logic and reason...

and simply told the cabinet
that he could talk to plants...

and that they wanted water.

He made believers
out of everyone.

Joe didn't know it,
but the beloved electrolytes...

were salts that had been building
up in the topsoil over the decades,

killing plants
and leading to the dust bowl.

As secretary of the
interior, Joe ordered

all crops to be
switched to water,

promising that, over time, plants would
grow and the dust bowl would end.

He was on the fast track
to a full presidential pardon.

- Or so it seemed.
- [ALL SHOUTING]

Man, I hope somethin'
grows fast.

Yeah. So we can haul
our ass back home.

Man. You really think those people
would have starved to death?

I don't know. I mean, how did
the world ever get like this?

You know things are bad when
they're comin' to me for answers.

It's a weird feeling being
smarter than everyone.

Mm-hmm.

- I'm not used to it.
- Yeah. Me neither.

You think Einstein
walked around thinkin'

everyone was a bunch
of dumb shits?

Yeah. Hadn't thought of that.

- Now you know why he built that bomb.
- Yeah.

Hey, Joe, listen. Those cops...

Oh, hey. I'm sorry about that.
No. No.

They said that
you got me a pardon.

You know, if you hadn't done that, I'd
still be in jail right now, so...

I guess I owe you one.

You know, you don't have to sleep
on the floor if you don't want to.

Oh. No. I'm...
I'm all right. Yeah.

Besides, you know, I don't think
Upgrayedd would be too happy about that.

You in bed with a stranger.

- [SNICKERS]
- Yeah.

[LAUGHING]

I know. I know.

[LAUGHING CONTINUES]

[JOE] Yeah. Oh, boy.

Oh, shit. It's Upgrayedd.

[JOE] Oh, shit.
It's not Upgrayedd.

[NARRATOR] Given enough time,
Joe's plan might have worked.

But when the Brawndo stock
suddenly dropped to zero,

leaving half the population
unemployed,

dumb, angry mobs took to the
streets, rioting and looting...

and screaming for Joe's head.

An emergency cabinet meeting
was called...

with the C.E.O.
of the Brawndo Corporation.

How come nobody's buying
Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator?

Aw, shit. Half the country
works for Brawndo.

Not anymore! The stock has
dropped to zero, and the

computer did that auto-layoff
thing to everybody.

We're all unemployed!

You think that makes
the "ecomony" suck?

Why is this happening?

I think it's because we
switched to water, but...

- You mean this is all your fault?
- What?

Yeah, this is your fault.
This shit started

happening when we
switched to water!

Brought to you by Carl's Jr.
Brought to you

by Carl's Jr. Brought
to you by Carl's Jr.

[ANNOUNCER] Fox News.

He tried taking water
from toilets,

but it's Secretary Not Sure who
finds himself in the toilet now.

And as history
pulls down its pants...

and prepares to lower its ass
on Not Sure's head,

it will be Daddy Justice who will
be crapping on him this time.

We now go live to Violence Channel
correspondent Formica Davis...

at the Extreme Court with
highlights on today's trial.

Thank you, Velveeta. Well, it
started off boring and slow...

with Not Sure trying to bullshit
everyone with a bunch of smart talk.

[WITH EFFEMINATE VOICE] Blah,
blah, blah. You gotta believe me!

[NORMAL VOICE]
That part of the trial sucked.

But then, the chief "J"
just went off.

He said, "Man, whatever."

The guy's guilty as shit.
We all know that."

And he sentenced his ass
to one night of Rehabilitation.

Hey, rehabilitation? One night?

Doesn't sound so bad.

Not so bad, huh?

Here's some highlights
from last week's Rehabilitation.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[FORMICA] And who could
forget that wonderful finish...

by Rehab Officer Tylenol Jones?

[CHUCKLING] And tomorrow
night looks even more better.

Word is that Beef Supreme himself
might come out of retirement.

Wow. Thank you, Formica.

So you think you can escape
again like you did last time?

No. They pretty much fixed that.
How?

They chained me to a big rock.

[RITA] Oh. Yeah.

Look, Rita, get Frito.

Get him to take you back to the time
machine without me. Don't wait.

No. You could have split on
me before, but you didn't.

Look, you wanna pay me back?
Just go back, okay?

Tell people to read books.

Tell people to stay in school,
you know.

Tell people to just
use their brains or something.

I think maybe the world got like
this because of people like me.

I never did anything with my life. At
least you were an artist, you know?

So just go back and... [
GUARD] Visit's over!

And Rita, whatever you do,
keep painting, okay?

Good luck, Joe.

[GROANS]

[ANNOUNCER] Okay, that's
five down and one more to go.

Are you ready for a monster-truck
duel to the death?

Yeah! Let's give it up
for the Guitar Army.

♪♪ [ROCK]

[ANNOUNCER]
Okay, we're gonna do this shit.

But first, to lead us
in our Natural Anthem,

the star of Ow! My Balls!
Hormel Chavez!

Thank you. Thank you.

[MAN] Hey! Come here!
♪ Oh, say can you see ♪

Come here!
♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

[GROANS] [ANNOUNCER
] Right in the balls!

[ALL LAUGHING] - That's
just how that shit went on TV!

[ANNOUNCER] This execution is brought
to you by Brawndo the Thirst Mutilator.

After you've killed someone...
[KNOCKING]

Your body needs electrolytes.
Yeah.

So, my car's out front...

whenever you want me
to take you...

to the time machine.

Thanks, Frito.

Yeah. [ANNOUNCER]
I can't hear you!

That's a real bummer
about Joe, huh?

[ANNOUNCER] I can't hear you!
Yeah.

Oh! Can you turn this up?
I love Rehabilitation.

[ANNOUNCER] Okay. Let's meet our
rehabilitation officers for tonight.

With a combined record
of 62 kills,

please welcome Vinny Mawumba
in the Dildozer!

And his brother Bobby Mawumba
in the Ass Blaster!

I get a truck too, right?

Yeah. Here it comes.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

[GUARDS CHUCKLING]

Get in.

You still got
the chain attached.

- [GUARD] Door won't shut.
- What about the chain?

We could break it.
No. He could escape.

I got an idea. Let's put it in
the trunk. Yeah. That'll work.

[GUARD] Who's smart now? - [ANNOUNCER
] Let's bring out our criminal.

He tried to ruin the country by
pouring toilet water on crops.

He cost millions of people
their jobs.

Let's get ready
to rehabilitate Not Sure!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Never would have guessed
this is how I was gonna die.

[ANNOUNCER] Are you ready
for some car-on-car action?

Yes.

I can't watch this. This is...

This is gonna be so sad.
I hope I don't cry.

Holy shit!
Frito, come here! Look!

He was right.
The water... it worked.

Frito, can you
get me over there?

Yes.

No, you fuckin' moron.
To the Rehabilitation place.

Uh, this way. Yeah!

Come on, Frito. Hurry!

[ANNOUNCER] And now the dude
that everybody came here to see,

Yeah! The only undefeated
officer ever in history,

coming out of retirement
just to pound Not Sure's ass,

driving the biggest, hugest correctional
vehicle ever built in history...

Bigger than the Dildozer,
bigger than the Ass Blaster,

bigger and huger than everything
ever before in history...

The brand-new Assdozer!

- Give it up for Beef Supreme!
- ♪♪ [ROCK]

Oh!

Oh!

[ANNOUNCER] Oh, shit. I
think it was too big, huh?

We seem to be "experimenting"...

some "techmological"
differences,

so, uh, shit.

Frito, look!

It's working everywhere! Huh.

[ANNOUNCER] Well, shit.
That's a big pile of rocks.

Kinda reminds me of this
one time that I was... Man.

Hey! Oh, oh, okay.

Get this shit started! We're gonna
start without Beef Supreme.

Let the rehabilitation begin!

- [ENGINE STALLS]
- Oh, shit.

Come on. Come on.
[ENGINE CRANKING]

[RITA] Come on, Frito. Hurry!

- Oh!
- [ENGINE STARTS]

Goddamn it.

- Yeah!
- Jesus, that was close.

Mr. President! Mr. President,
I need to talk to you.

You gotta stop this thing.
He was right about the water.

We passed some crops on the way here.
They're growing.

I didn't see no crops.

[ANNOUNCER]
They're circling around.

They're gonna do
the Malachi Crunch on him!

This is an illegal move, okay?
So don't tell nobody.

Oh!

[ANNOUNCER]
So, uh... So the winner is, uh...

[ANNOUNCER] You
gotta be shittin' me.

Did he win?

Uh-oh. Look.

[ANNOUNCER]
Holy shit! It's Beef Supreme!

♪♪ [ROCK]

[ANNOUNCER]
Beef Supreme! Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, Frito. Frito, you remember
those crops we saw off the road...

right by the Starbucks? Uh-huh.

Hey. Wanna make some money?
I like money.

Hey, um, the, uh... the main
screen is malfunctioning,

and they gonna need you
outside immediately.

There's a bunch of whores
in the hallway.

Come on, Frito. Hurry.

Can't believe
you like money too.

We should hang out. Totally.

[ANNOUNCER]
He's behind the truck!

- Yes! Yes!
- [MOUTHING WORDS]

He's behind the fucking truck!
He's over there!

[ANNOUNCER]
Behind the truck, stupid!

Look!

Shit. That's a good deal.

- [FRITO] Extra foam.
- I got a bunch of money too.

Forgot what it was for. Huh.

- You think it was for lattes?
- Yeah. Probably.

[FRITO] You like money and sex?
You're trippin' me out.

What the fuck?

Yeah! Yeah!

Just hold on, okay? Everyone just
take it easy, okay? - [CROWD BOOING]

Can I just say something here?

I don't even know
what I'm guilty of here.

I never said that I was the smartest
person on earth. You people did.

I didn't know that you'd lose
your jobs and all your money,

and I'm very sorry
that that happened.

But I'm tellin' you,

if you put water on the crops,
it might actually...

No, it will work. I promise you!

You just have to believe me. I just
wanted to help you. That's all.

So you can try and shoot me. You
can try and run me over, whatever.

But I just want you to ask
yourselves one question first.

Do you really want to live
in a world...

where you try to blow up the one
person that's tryin' to help you?

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hold on. Just hold on.

[INDISTINCT]

Oh, man. That was great.

Hey, was I wearing pants
when we went in there?

Shit. What do I look like,
a pants goblin?

Wait.
This reminds me of something.

Uh, "Rehabil... Rehabilate..."

"Rehabilation."

Why do you keep trying
to read that word?

- You a fag?
- I'll fag your face!

- Come on, Frito.
- Yeah. I don't think so.

Oh, yeah.

This guy just got
his ass a pardon!

[ALL CHEERING]

[LAUGHING] Yeah!

♪♪ [ROCK]

Man, Rita. I mean,
I don't know what to say.

You saved my life. No one's ever
done anything like that for me.

Yeah, well,

you were looking out for the
whole world so, you know,

I thought someone should
look out for you too.

Thanks.

I can't believe I'm even
saying this, but...

even though these people
tried to kill me,

you know, I think I'm
actually gonna kinda miss 'em.

Yeah.

Frito... he's gonna give us
a ride back to the time machine.

I just, uh...
I hope he's okay to drive.

It's you. Oh, man,
I really love your show.

Thank you so much.

- Uh, Joe, I'm not going.
- What?

I had some pretty bad habits back there
that I don't want to fall into again.

Maybe it's time
I got a new start.

Besides, they offered me a pretty
good job at Starbucks here.

I'm gonna be a C.E.O.
At Starbucks?

Yeah. Yeah? You're still
gonna paint though, right?

Yeah. Sure.

I guess this is good-bye then.

[CAMACHO] Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I got a couple
presidential decrees to make!

Not Sure, get your ass up here,
wherever you is.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Let me get that little
peanut head up here.

Yo. Yo. [LAUGHS]

I have decided...

to make this man...

The man who solved
all our problems...

I have decided to make him...

my new vice president.

[ALL CHEERING]

Mr. President, thanks.
That's real cool of you, sir,

- but I can't accept it, sir.
- What? Why?

- You know, I gotta get home.
- But we still got all these problems.

Look, you know, you're just gonna
have to solve 'em yourselves.

- How?
- Think about it, you know?

You're just gonna have to figure
it out like we did with the crops.

But how are we gonna
figure out about the

garbage "ambulanches"
and the "comony"?

And what about the nuc...
"nucular" reactor in Florida?

It's broke and leaky
and something's happening.

- I thought it was in Georgia.
- Georgia's in Florida, dumb ass.

Hey. Hey, I know. Let's put
toilet water on it. Huh?

- Yeah!
- Good, good. That's a good idea.

[MINISTER OF DEFENSE] Like we
did on the crops. Come on, vato.

Hey, you can't leave.

Whatever happened to all that "lead,
follow, or get outta the way" shit, huh?

I guess I just can't get outta the
way anymore, can I? You know what?

- Forget about the time machine.
- Yeah!

[ALL CHEERING]

That ride sucks anyways.

Ride?

[MALE VOICE]
Welcome to the Time Masheen.

We are going to take you back,
first to the year 1939...

when Charlie Chaplin
and his evil Nazi regime...

enslaved Europe and tried
to take over the world.

So you knew this thing
was just a ride the whole time?

Yeah. You thought you could
really travel through time, huh?

- Yeah, I guess I did.
- Yeah.

For the smartest guy in the world,
you're pretty dumb sometimes.

- So why didn't you tell us?
- 'Cause I like money. I'm sorry.

But if it's not a real time machine,
there wouldn't have been any money.

You know, 'cause I can't go back in
time and open a savings account.

Uh, uh, uh...

Yeah. Don't worry about it.
It's okay.

Well, I guess we're stuck here.

[MALE VOICE] But then an even
greater force emerged... the "UN."

And the "UN"
un-nazied the world forever.

[NARRATOR] And so, after serving
a short term as vice president,

Joe was elected
the president of America.

Frito became vice president,

and Rita, the former prostitute,
became first lady.

Today I step into the shoes
of a great man,

a man by the name
of Dwayne Elizondo...

Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho.

[NARRATOR] Under President Not
Sure's leadership, a new era dawned.

You know, there was a time
in this country...

when smart people
were considered cool.

Well, maybe not cool,
but smart people did things...

like build ships and pyramids,
and they even went to the moon.

[MAN] Yeah!

And there was a time in this
country, a long time ago,

when reading wasn't
just for fags...

and neither was writing.

People wrote books and movies,
movies that had stories...

so you cared whose ass it was
and why it was farting.

And I believe that time
can come again!

[ALL CHEERING]

[ALL CHANTING]
Not Sure, Not Sure, Not Sure!

[NARRATOR] Joe and
Rita had three children,

the three smartest kids
in the world.

Vice President Frito
took eight wives...

and had a total of 32 kids...

Thirty-two of the dumbest kids
ever to walk the earth.

Okay, so maybe Joe
didn't save mankind,

but he got the ball rolling,

and that's pretty good
for an average guy.

I'm gonna go find this ho.