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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:32,532 Terrific. 2 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:42,959 What's up, numb-nuts? 3 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,377 Read 'em and weep. 4 00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:46,129 Van Halen at the Centrum. 5 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,296 Third row! 6 00:00:47,965 --> 00:00:49,215 You should take Jolene, man. 7 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:51,050 I heard she got big nipples. 8 00:00:51,135 --> 00:00:52,802 This is Van freakin' Halen, man. 9 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,387 Get serious. 10 00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:57,181 Besides, I'm just not into girls anymore. 11 00:00:57,474 --> 00:00:59,851 Dude, I'm into guys, too! 12 00:01:00,018 --> 00:01:01,185 No, no, no, no, no. 13 00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:02,478 That's not what I meant. 14 00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:05,690 I'm into women. 15 00:01:33,177 --> 00:01:34,218 Hey, Mary. 16 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,430 I got two tickets to Van Halen this weekend. 17 00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:38,681 What time should I pick you up? 18 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:41,517 It is Miss McGarricle, Donny. 19 00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:45,062 And that's cute, but I am your teacher, not your girlfriend. 20 00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:47,607 Whoa, Miss McGarricle, who said anything about girlfriends? 21 00:01:47,691 --> 00:01:49,275 Let's just start with a summer fling, 22 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:50,485 couple of hand jobs, 23 00:01:50,736 --> 00:01:52,320 no expectations. 24 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,363 Don't get all psycho on me right away. 25 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,033 That is a month's detention. 26 00:02:00,204 --> 00:02:01,287 What's a hand job? 27 00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:03,873 I don't know, but I think I want one. 28 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:08,795 Can I go to the bathroom? 29 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:11,756 No. No talking in detention, Mr. Berger. 30 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:13,716 All right, I'm sorry for what I did. 31 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,259 I promise I won't do it again. 32 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:18,054 You're in a lot of trouble, Donny. 33 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:21,516 Wait, you're not gonna tell my dad, are you? 34 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,810 He'll kick my ass. He's crazy. 35 00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:26,062 What were you trying to do, anyway? 36 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,355 Impress your friends? 37 00:02:27,898 --> 00:02:30,942 Well, you know, you're... 38 00:02:32,027 --> 00:02:33,903 You have a little crush on me? 39 00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,321 No. 40 00:02:35,405 --> 00:02:38,658 "No." So, you... 41 00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,576 You don't want me. 42 00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:44,413 No. Yeah. 43 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:47,083 I don't know what I'm supposed to say right now. 44 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,252 Is that gum in your mouth, Donny? 45 00:02:59,388 --> 00:03:02,265 You know, I've been watching you all year, Donny. 46 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,517 When you hit that shot to beat Fairfield 47 00:03:04,601 --> 00:03:09,230 and you were jumping up and down in your little Larry Bird short-shorts 48 00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,859 and sweating like a jar of pickles in the hot sun... 49 00:03:13,151 --> 00:03:14,694 Oh, God. 50 00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:16,404 That was so hot. 51 00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:21,492 Is this really happening? 52 00:03:21,577 --> 00:03:23,703 This is happening. 53 00:03:23,787 --> 00:03:26,038 It's happening right now. 54 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:27,582 In my office. 55 00:03:28,333 --> 00:03:29,584 Okay. Awesome. 56 00:03:29,668 --> 00:03:31,878 So, I'm totally in. 57 00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:33,546 How do you want to do it? 58 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:36,716 'Cause I made sex before, lots of ways. 59 00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:39,218 So you want to go straight to hand jobs 60 00:03:39,303 --> 00:03:42,346 or eating me out or taking me from behind? 61 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:43,723 I'll teach you. 62 00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:45,600 I'm a virgin. 63 00:03:47,811 --> 00:03:51,063 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 64 00:03:51,148 --> 00:03:52,899 Oh, my God. 65 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:57,194 Oh, my God. Oh, my God! 66 00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:23,262 Who? Me? 67 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:38,319 Hey, Donny, what'd you get? 68 00:04:43,867 --> 00:04:45,993 And if I'm elected eighth grade class president, 69 00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:47,119 I promise to... 70 00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:49,372 You're getting so good at this! 71 00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,964 I promise to do my best to lower prices at the school stores and... 72 00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:00,800 All of our practice is really paying off! 73 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,469 I like the sound of that. 74 00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,392 Timmy, stop. Hold on a second. 75 00:05:27,119 --> 00:05:28,953 My dad's gonna kick my ass. 76 00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:45,261 Calm down! 77 00:05:57,774 --> 00:06:00,609 Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! 78 00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:01,861 Who's the man? 79 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:05,531 Donny! Donny! Donny! Donny! 80 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,867 Yeah! You want some of me? Who's the man? 81 00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:15,041 All right, everybody! 82 00:06:16,126 --> 00:06:17,376 Enough! 83 00:06:17,461 --> 00:06:19,462 I am aware that a lot of people think 84 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:20,921 that this young man 85 00:06:21,089 --> 00:06:23,883 is not really a victim, but someone that's living 86 00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,844 the ultimate teenage boy's fantasy. 87 00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,220 Absolutely. 88 00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:32,141 But this is a serious crime. 89 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,852 Mary Beth McGarricle, rise for sentencing. 90 00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:40,691 The fact that this relationship 91 00:06:40,776 --> 00:06:44,236 has resulted in a pregnancy and you show absolutely no remorse, 92 00:06:45,072 --> 00:06:46,739 saying, and I quote, 93 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:50,743 "I would fuck that kid again and again. 94 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:56,165 "He makes me feel like there's a rainbow coming out of my beaver." 95 00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,418 ...leaves me absolutely no choice 96 00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:01,837 but to levy the maximum penalty. 97 00:07:02,297 --> 00:07:06,383 Thirty years in the Massachusetts Women's Penitentiary. 98 00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:11,097 And furthermore, the court grants custody of the unborn child 99 00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:12,640 to Donald Berger's father... 100 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:14,266 Dumb-ass. 101 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,435 ...until Donald turns 1 8, 102 00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,480 at which time he will assume full custody. 103 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:22,024 Take care of our baby, Donny! 104 00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,275 Miss McGarricle! 105 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,319 I'll never stop loving you! 106 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:27,822 That is just fucking mental. 107 00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,313 The kid is young, he's attractive, 108 00:08:01,398 --> 00:08:04,400 he can probably keep a hard-on longer than this fucking guy. 109 00:08:15,287 --> 00:08:16,996 Made you flinch, pansy. 110 00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:18,747 Go ahead! I don't need you! 111 00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,749 l'm Donny freakin' Berger! 112 00:08:21,084 --> 00:08:23,961 l'm wicked famous and l got a wicked big schlong! 113 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:27,131 Hey, here's something. Donny Berger's back in the news. 114 00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,340 That kid who got his teacher pregnant? 115 00:08:28,425 --> 00:08:29,675 -Exactly. -l love that guy. 116 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:31,510 Seems Iike he bought a round Iast night. 117 00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:32,553 Okay. 118 00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:34,180 For everybody in Boston Garden. 119 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:36,348 Oh, my God, he's my hero. 120 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:40,561 That kid is burning through that money, but he's having a good time doing it. 121 00:08:58,538 --> 00:08:59,830 So, guy, how'd we do? 122 00:08:59,915 --> 00:09:02,041 What them fuckers at the IRS say? 123 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:03,459 Well, they said a lot of stuff. 124 00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:04,919 The thing that really jumped out 125 00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:08,380 -was "three years in prison." -Three years? 126 00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,841 Yeah, you haven't paid taxes since '94, Donny. 127 00:09:10,926 --> 00:09:13,761 What... I thought they were taking it out automatically! 128 00:09:13,845 --> 00:09:15,429 I told them that's what you thought, 129 00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:17,431 and they said it's the stupidest thing they ever heard. 130 00:09:17,515 --> 00:09:19,058 But there is some good news. 131 00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:21,685 If you can pay the balance off by the end of the weekend, 132 00:09:21,770 --> 00:09:22,978 they'll suspend the sentence. 133 00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:24,563 Oh, okay, there you go. 134 00:09:24,648 --> 00:09:26,023 What are we talking about? Hit me. 135 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,274 Forty-three thousand. 136 00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:28,567 Forty-three grand? 137 00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:29,818 No! 138 00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:32,905 Come on, Donny! 139 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:34,615 Don't screw up my Tom Brady poster. 140 00:09:34,699 --> 00:09:36,116 It's my favorite one. 141 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:37,826 Look at that jaw line. 142 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,412 Just the right amount of scruff. 143 00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:42,665 I'm sorry! I'm just freaking out here! 144 00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:44,333 I don't got 43 grand! 145 00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:46,168 Well, look, hey, good news. 146 00:09:46,253 --> 00:09:47,836 Monday's Memorial Day, 147 00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,755 so you don't need to get the money till Tuesday. 148 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:53,175 All right. That'll give me time to sell my diamond Lamborghini! 149 00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:55,970 Hey, hey, hey! You're killing me, man! 150 00:09:56,054 --> 00:09:58,013 Don't mess with the genius. 151 00:09:58,098 --> 00:10:00,933 Jimmy, I got $28 to my name. 152 00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:02,434 Twenty-eight, huh? Okay. 153 00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:05,187 I got a hot tip on a long shot that just might come in. 154 00:10:05,355 --> 00:10:06,689 -What is it, a horse? -No. 155 00:10:07,357 --> 00:10:10,776 This is Tubby Tuke, fat guy. 156 00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:12,278 Fat guy? 157 00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:15,864 Gonna run the marathon. Odds on him winning are 8,000-to-1 . 158 00:10:15,949 --> 00:10:17,950 But this cat's got wheels on him. 159 00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:19,952 I think he's gonna win, I really do. 160 00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:23,497 All right, I'll put 20 on the fat fuck, but I can't count on that. 161 00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:25,624 It's a long shot, you said it yourself. 162 00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:26,875 But what about your kid? 163 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:28,252 Maybe he can come up with the dough. 164 00:10:28,712 --> 00:10:29,962 We don't talk no more. 165 00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:32,006 He kind of moved out when he turned 1 8, 166 00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,008 and that's the last I seen of him. 167 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:35,884 -What happened? -I don't know. 168 00:10:36,553 --> 00:10:40,389 I loved that little Han Solo more than anything in the world, too. 169 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:44,143 -You named your kid Han Solo? -Yes, sir. 170 00:10:44,227 --> 00:10:45,644 Han Solo Berger? 171 00:10:45,729 --> 00:10:47,187 Coolest name in the world, right? 172 00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,731 Why don't you just Facebook him? 173 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:51,317 I can't afford that shit. What am I, a billionaire? 174 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,486 I don't think he wants to be found, anyways. 175 00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:56,572 Especially by me. 176 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,587 Hey, look! It's us! 177 00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:13,839 -On the cover! -Don't we look great? 178 00:11:13,923 --> 00:11:15,174 Yeah, well, you look good. 179 00:11:15,258 --> 00:11:16,759 I kind of look like a ventriloquist. 180 00:11:18,428 --> 00:11:20,679 I don't know, it's still kind of weird, right? 181 00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:22,681 I mean, it's got our faces and our names. 182 00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,600 It just seems like anyone could find us. 183 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:28,187 "Find us"? Honey, did you take your Xanax today? 184 00:11:28,271 --> 00:11:29,355 Yeah, two. 185 00:11:29,439 --> 00:11:31,815 I always double down when your parents are in town. 186 00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,068 Do you have your security undies? 187 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:35,527 -Yep, right here. -Good. 188 00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:37,029 I know that makes you feel better. 189 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:39,073 There's stranger things than walking around 190 00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:41,575 with an extra pair of underwear for emergencies. 191 00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:45,579 Look, just this once, don't be so weird. 192 00:11:45,663 --> 00:11:47,456 We're gonna have the best wedding ever. 193 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,624 Okay. 194 00:11:56,966 --> 00:12:00,844 Holy shit. What the hell happened to my Iife, ChampaIe? 195 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:04,306 Don, honey, no way to come up with that money, huh? 196 00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:07,184 No. The only thing I'm good at is being Donny Berger, 197 00:12:07,268 --> 00:12:08,936 and no one wants to pay for that anymore. 198 00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:10,646 Aw, Donny. 199 00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:12,564 Wow! 200 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:14,400 My face is your toilet! 201 00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:17,069 Show some fucking respect over there, Kenny. 202 00:12:17,153 --> 00:12:18,487 Hey, whoa. 203 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:22,074 Hey, Mom, did you want some breakfast after you finish your dance? 204 00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,492 Give it to me now, honey. 205 00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,661 Donny doesn't mind, do you, Donny? 206 00:12:26,162 --> 00:12:28,038 Holy cow, that's my son! 207 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:29,415 Who, Han Solo? 208 00:12:29,999 --> 00:12:31,708 I thought you said he was a fatty. 209 00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:34,169 No, no, no. He must have lost the weight or something, 210 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:36,130 'cause I swear to God, that's my boy. 211 00:12:36,881 --> 00:12:38,924 It says, "Todd Peterson to wed Jamie Martin this Sunday 212 00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,009 "at All Saints Church on Cape Cod." 213 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,761 Todd Peterson? 214 00:12:42,846 --> 00:12:44,096 He changed his name! 215 00:12:44,180 --> 00:12:45,222 Why? 216 00:12:45,932 --> 00:12:48,767 What was wrong with Han Solo Berger? 217 00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:50,936 It's the coolest fucking name of all time. 218 00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:52,396 "Peterson is one of the youngest 219 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,107 "large-cap hedge fund managers in the financial industry." 220 00:12:55,191 --> 00:12:57,067 He got rich on us, huh? 221 00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:03,282 "All the more impressive considering he was orphaned 222 00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:06,869 "at age nine, when both his parents died in a horrific explosion." 223 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,997 He fucking blew me up and his mother? 224 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,291 Donny, maybe your son could help you, financially. 225 00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:14,835 I don't know. This kid changed his name. 226 00:13:14,919 --> 00:13:16,962 He doesn't even want to be a Berger anymore. 227 00:13:17,046 --> 00:13:18,589 He's not gonna want to talk to me. 228 00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,842 That was the incomparabIe ChampaIe. 229 00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:25,304 And now, looking hot and ignoring doctor's orders, 230 00:13:25,388 --> 00:13:27,139 let's welcome Amber. 231 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,516 What the fuck happened to her? 232 00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:31,518 Fuck you, Kenny! 233 00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:33,562 Hey, what's up, RoboCop? 234 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,525 This is where your boss lives? 235 00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:40,819 It's actually just his summer home. 236 00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:43,572 -Summer home. What a dick. -Dad! 237 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,616 Oh, my goodness. 238 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:48,911 Todd, it's just breathtaking! 239 00:13:49,037 --> 00:13:50,913 Hey! There he is. 240 00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:52,289 Hey, Mr. Spirou. 241 00:13:52,415 --> 00:13:54,333 There's my golden boy. 242 00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:55,709 Come over here, champ. 243 00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:57,336 Come on, get over here. 244 00:13:57,420 --> 00:13:58,545 Hi. Yeah. 245 00:13:58,630 --> 00:14:00,172 Look at you. 246 00:14:00,632 --> 00:14:03,425 Look at you, the lovely bride. 247 00:14:04,093 --> 00:14:05,427 What a couple! 248 00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:08,138 Mr. Spirou, it's so amazing that you're letting us all stay here. 249 00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:09,389 Seriously, thank you so much. 250 00:14:09,474 --> 00:14:11,350 Steve, these are my parents, Gerald and Helen. 251 00:14:11,434 --> 00:14:12,768 -It's a pleasure. -Hi. 252 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,102 Your daughter's a sweetheart. 253 00:14:14,395 --> 00:14:16,688 You can tell she likes Todd for Todd, 254 00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,857 not because he's gonna be rich. 255 00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:21,026 I wouldn't want my boy to end up with some gold digger 256 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,986 like the last three whores I married, huh? 257 00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:28,158 True story. All three? Whores. 258 00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:33,121 Well, guys, this weekend, mi casa es su casa. 259 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,457 You know, every member of my staff are lucky to be in this country, 260 00:14:35,542 --> 00:14:38,335 so feel free to abuse the shit out of 'em. 261 00:14:39,337 --> 00:14:41,296 Go get the fucking bags! 262 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,717 Well, Mrs. Spirou, I've always said that if the finance game 263 00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,053 was an amusement park, your son would be a roller coaster, 264 00:14:48,137 --> 00:14:51,765 and I would just ride him all day long. 265 00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:53,892 That came out weird. 266 00:14:53,977 --> 00:14:55,477 Yeah, well, Stevie likes to think 267 00:14:55,562 --> 00:14:57,729 that he's the star of the family. 268 00:14:57,814 --> 00:15:01,441 But before he was born, I modeled a bathing suit 269 00:15:01,526 --> 00:15:04,152 for a Woolworth advertisement. 270 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:07,823 Well, you still have quite a figure on you there, Delores. 271 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,492 Yeah, I can see where Steve got his rocking bod. 272 00:15:11,661 --> 00:15:13,662 Why, thank you. 273 00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:16,081 Chad's here! 274 00:15:16,165 --> 00:15:17,416 -Oh, my God. -Hooray. 275 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:18,542 Fantastic. 276 00:15:18,626 --> 00:15:21,253 I guess they didn't want to see it. 277 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:23,463 Yay, Chad! 278 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:25,257 -Come here. -Mom. 279 00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:26,800 -Sweetheart. -I'm home. 280 00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:28,260 Dad, how are you, sir? 281 00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:29,803 -You look great. -Thank you, sir. 282 00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,013 Hey, Chad, I'm Todd. 283 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,472 Oh, my God. 284 00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:34,725 Oh, God, I missed you, sis. 285 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:36,184 That's a good hug. 286 00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:39,521 Chad, this is my fiancé, Todd. 287 00:15:40,189 --> 00:15:41,773 Pleasure to meet you, Chadwick. 288 00:15:41,858 --> 00:15:43,025 Are you a soldier? 289 00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:44,693 No. 290 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,445 -Sailor? -No. 291 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,530 -Airman? -No. 292 00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:49,698 Girl Scout? 293 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:51,283 No. 294 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:54,953 Well, then I'd prefer if you take your fingers away from your forehead 295 00:15:55,038 --> 00:15:57,789 and you shake my hand like the civilian you are. 296 00:15:57,874 --> 00:16:01,001 Yeah, sorry, I'm stupid. I don't know why I did that. 297 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:03,170 Honest mistake. Come here, I want to show you this. 298 00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:06,381 Look, if you ever do anything 299 00:16:06,549 --> 00:16:10,636 to hurt my sister, I will take my government-issued service revolver, 300 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:14,056 stick it straight up your fuppin' poop chute, and empty the clip. 301 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:15,349 Do you feel me? 302 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:19,061 Yes, I totally feel you... Dawg. 303 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,314 Randy Jackson, right? 304 00:16:23,232 --> 00:16:25,317 I've got 1 0 ways to kill you with my bare hands right now. 305 00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:29,112 Don't. 306 00:16:34,202 --> 00:16:35,869 Hi, sweetheart, how are you? 307 00:16:35,953 --> 00:16:37,996 Can I see Randall Morgan possibly? 308 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:39,665 Yeah, you're gonna need an appointment. 309 00:16:39,791 --> 00:16:41,333 I knew you were gonna say that. 310 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,127 But you know what? Tell him Donny Berger's out here. 311 00:16:44,212 --> 00:16:46,004 He'll be pretty psyched to see an old friend. 312 00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:48,840 You know what? Mr. Morgan's on vacation right now. I'm sorry. 313 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:50,676 -He's on vacation? That son of a... -Oh, hey! 314 00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:51,885 Vanilla Ice. 315 00:16:51,969 --> 00:16:54,763 Randall's just getting makeup. Go ahead to the green room. 316 00:16:57,225 --> 00:16:59,184 Vanilla, what's up, guy? 317 00:16:59,602 --> 00:17:01,937 It's been a long time. How you been? 318 00:17:04,232 --> 00:17:06,441 Are you seriously giving me the silent treatment still? 319 00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:07,734 You know that hurts me. 320 00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:09,152 Yeah? Well, that's why I'm giving it to you. 321 00:17:09,237 --> 00:17:10,278 How's it feel, chump? 322 00:17:10,405 --> 00:17:11,905 It's breaking my heart. 323 00:17:11,989 --> 00:17:14,199 We were friends for 20 years, guy. 324 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,034 We were friends until you banged my mother! 325 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:18,078 I didn't know it was her, I swear to God! 326 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,080 It's not like her last name is Ice. 327 00:17:20,957 --> 00:17:22,582 You should've known by the haircut! 328 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,376 Aw, come on, Vanilla Bean Latte. 329 00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:25,794 -Will you just... -What? 330 00:17:25,962 --> 00:17:27,629 I'm just saying, I'm in big trouble, guy. 331 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,715 This, like, monetary thing. 332 00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:33,635 I'm going to prison if I don't get 43 large, so... 333 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:34,928 What, do you think I got that kind of money? 334 00:17:35,012 --> 00:17:36,430 Of course you got that kind of money. 335 00:17:36,514 --> 00:17:39,099 Royalties from Ice Ice Baby, you must be fucking loaded! 336 00:17:39,183 --> 00:17:41,560 Man, listen, Queen took 50% . 337 00:17:41,644 --> 00:17:43,270 Suge took the other 60%. 338 00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:45,105 I fucking owe money when that shit gets played, man! 339 00:17:45,189 --> 00:17:48,316 Dude, come on, will you please stop, collaborate and listen? 340 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,068 -Oh, here... -What? No, I love that song. 341 00:17:50,153 --> 00:17:51,236 You know that shit. 342 00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:52,821 I was on top of that, fucking day one. 343 00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:55,407 Listen, man. I work at a ice rink now. 344 00:17:55,491 --> 00:17:57,325 I deep-fry chicken nuggets, man. 345 00:17:57,410 --> 00:17:59,286 I'll get you a deal on a barbecue sauce packet. 346 00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:00,620 Fucking A, buddy. 347 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:03,415 Both of us. This sucks. 348 00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:05,500 Broke. Who'd have thought this would happen to us? 349 00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,921 Maybe I should call your mother. She'll give me the money, I know that. 350 00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:12,174 -What? -What? What? What? 351 00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:15,969 Hey, dude. 352 00:18:16,053 --> 00:18:18,263 Didn't spill my beer, fucker. 353 00:18:18,347 --> 00:18:19,473 Fuck you. 354 00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:21,141 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 355 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:24,144 Nobody comes in here and starts busting up my joint 356 00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:26,313 unless I got cameras rolling. 357 00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,857 Look, Donny, nobody remembers what Tiger Woods did, 358 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,777 let alone something that happened 25 years ago. 359 00:18:31,861 --> 00:18:33,445 I'm telling you, when I walk down the street, 360 00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:34,946 people are like, "There's that guy!" 361 00:18:35,031 --> 00:18:36,573 I'm still fucking big, dude. 362 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,452 All right, how about this? I'm doing a show on '80s train wrecks. 363 00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:42,871 Maybe I slip you in after that Milli Vanilli guy, all right? 364 00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:45,373 -Who, Fab? He's a fucking buddy of mine. -Yeah. 365 00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,292 That would be huge, dude. How much money? 366 00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,587 Maybe 400 bucks. 367 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:51,963 Four hundred bucks? 368 00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:55,467 Dude, I need 43 G-birds. What are we talking about right now? 369 00:18:55,551 --> 00:18:57,636 You need $43,000? 370 00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,137 Are you back on drugs? 371 00:18:59,222 --> 00:19:00,430 -Yeah. -It's never... 372 00:19:00,515 --> 00:19:02,224 This is never going to happen. Never. 373 00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:03,725 Little bit more blush if you can. 374 00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,895 Just like you did that John Wayne Bobbitt in his penis reunion show. 375 00:19:11,359 --> 00:19:13,985 That's actually a good idea, a reunion. 376 00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:19,074 Me and Miss McGarricle, together again, live from a women's prison. 377 00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,454 A women's prison. 378 00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:27,499 Very sexy. 379 00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:30,752 We could shoot it this weekend. You could give me the money. 380 00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:32,671 Very sexy. 381 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,090 You know, you could eat that ass after I leave the room, 382 00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,050 but I need an answer right now. What do you think? 383 00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:38,301 What about your kid? 384 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:41,054 My kid? What about my kid? 385 00:19:41,138 --> 00:19:43,139 He's got to be a walking Gong Show. 386 00:19:43,224 --> 00:19:45,392 No. What are you talking about? He's doing great. 387 00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:47,185 He's, like, a hot shit now. He's getting married 388 00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:49,187 -down at the Cape this weekend. -Wait, wait, wait, wait. 389 00:19:49,272 --> 00:19:51,773 "Horny teacher baby makes good." 390 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:55,944 Smell that? Smell it, Donny? 391 00:19:56,946 --> 00:19:58,572 What? That's not me. She probably cut the cheese. 392 00:19:58,656 --> 00:20:00,448 No, no, no. No, ratings. 393 00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:02,158 I smell ratings. 394 00:20:02,994 --> 00:20:06,454 My kid is very publicity-shy, so I... You know, to be honest, 395 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:08,123 I don't think he'd do a piece of shit show like this. 396 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:09,624 All right, here's the deal. 397 00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,376 You get yourself and your actual kid 398 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:14,170 up to the women's prison this weekend, I will shoot it, 399 00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:16,131 I will give you 50 grand in cash. 400 00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:19,175 'Cause I'm going to guess, Donny, you want to be visiting a prison, 401 00:20:19,260 --> 00:20:20,927 not living in one. 402 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,225 So, Todd, how does one get into the hedgehog business anyway? 403 00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:29,352 Oh, it's actually hedge funds. 404 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:31,104 You think you're better than me? 405 00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:32,898 No. 406 00:20:33,190 --> 00:20:36,401 Chad, did you know that Todd is really great with numbers? 407 00:20:36,485 --> 00:20:37,819 -You got to see this. -Jamie, no. Don't make... 408 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:39,654 What's 452 times 77? 409 00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:43,116 84,304. 410 00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:45,535 Oh, he could just be making that up. 411 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:46,703 No, he's not! 412 00:20:47,872 --> 00:20:50,498 There's a calculator on my cell phone. 413 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:51,583 Okay. 414 00:20:51,918 --> 00:20:55,253 What is 94 415 00:20:55,338 --> 00:20:58,590 times 31 2, Todd? 416 00:21:00,176 --> 00:21:03,053 29,328, Helen. 417 00:21:03,638 --> 00:21:04,846 Freaky. 418 00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:07,349 I don't know. It's just something I can do. 419 00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:09,392 Are you sure you're not a Chinaman? 420 00:21:09,477 --> 00:21:11,019 Oh, that's inappropriate. 421 00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,228 White whore. 422 00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:16,524 I'll get it. 423 00:21:21,572 --> 00:21:23,031 Oh, my God. You must be Jamie. 424 00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:25,992 You're, like, even hotter than you looked in the paper. 425 00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:29,454 Look at your hair, blowing in the wind like Tawny Kitaen 426 00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:31,539 when she was fucking dry-humping that car. 427 00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:33,249 Okay. 428 00:21:34,377 --> 00:21:35,502 And you must be... 429 00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:37,045 Donny. 430 00:21:38,589 --> 00:21:40,674 What's the matter? Chubby never even mentioned me? 431 00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:41,800 Chubby? 432 00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:44,219 Oh, I mean Todd Peterson. 433 00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:46,179 Why do you say it like that? 434 00:21:46,389 --> 00:21:48,056 It just comes out that way. 435 00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:49,432 Where are my manners, right? 436 00:21:49,517 --> 00:21:51,476 Could you hold that? Take a chug if you'd like. 437 00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:53,812 I got you a fucking great gift. 438 00:21:55,272 --> 00:21:56,398 Here it is. 439 00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:57,983 I'll take the brew back. 440 00:21:58,067 --> 00:21:59,734 Just, you got to read it, though. It's fucking... 441 00:22:03,114 --> 00:22:04,114 Yeah! 442 00:22:05,366 --> 00:22:06,992 I don't know where they come up with this shit, 443 00:22:07,076 --> 00:22:08,660 but it's pretty fucking funny. 444 00:22:08,744 --> 00:22:10,495 Spencer's Gifts never fucking fails me. 445 00:22:10,579 --> 00:22:12,163 I want to meet Mr. Spencer one day and say, 446 00:22:12,248 --> 00:22:13,873 "Thanks, motherfucker, for all the laughs." 447 00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:16,501 Hey, I also made you a mix tape. 448 00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:18,336 Who the fuck is rich in this house? 449 00:22:18,421 --> 00:22:19,462 Jeezum, it's huge. 450 00:22:20,423 --> 00:22:23,299 Todd, your old man is here? 451 00:22:24,427 --> 00:22:25,593 Wassup! 452 00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:29,681 Helen, oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry. 453 00:22:29,765 --> 00:22:30,765 No, it's... 454 00:22:30,850 --> 00:22:31,850 Let me just get that for you. 455 00:22:31,934 --> 00:22:33,018 -That's... -What? No. 456 00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:34,519 Oh, sorry, those are yours. I... 457 00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:37,856 Donny, what... What the fuck, man? Sorry. 458 00:22:38,149 --> 00:22:39,941 What are you doing here? 459 00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:41,443 What do you mean? 460 00:22:41,527 --> 00:22:42,777 I thought you said your parents were dead. 461 00:22:43,154 --> 00:22:45,739 No, they are. Super dead. 462 00:22:45,823 --> 00:22:47,365 He's hilarious. 463 00:22:48,451 --> 00:22:49,659 My old man. 464 00:22:50,036 --> 00:22:52,037 My old man friend. 465 00:22:52,997 --> 00:22:54,205 From... 466 00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:56,291 Wassup! 467 00:22:56,459 --> 00:22:57,459 Right? 468 00:22:58,753 --> 00:23:00,170 Well, aren't you going to introduce us? 469 00:23:00,463 --> 00:23:01,546 -No. -Yes. 470 00:23:01,672 --> 00:23:03,006 Yes. Here we go. 471 00:23:03,424 --> 00:23:06,301 This is my future father-in-law, Gerald, 472 00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:08,595 and his lovely wife, Helen. 473 00:23:08,971 --> 00:23:10,680 And Jamie's brother, Chad. 474 00:23:11,140 --> 00:23:12,891 -Hey-o! -Don't. That's... 475 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:19,272 What? 476 00:23:19,398 --> 00:23:20,398 I like the look of this. Who's this? 477 00:23:20,483 --> 00:23:24,277 Okay. This is my boss Steve's mother, Delores, who's awake now. 478 00:23:24,361 --> 00:23:27,113 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's where you get all the looks from, huh, sweetie? 479 00:23:27,323 --> 00:23:28,615 Yeah, no, we're not related. 480 00:23:28,824 --> 00:23:31,910 Oh, yeah? Well, she wishes, 'cause you got the fucking... 481 00:23:31,994 --> 00:23:33,953 You're stacked pretty good. 482 00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:39,042 Anyhow, Jame, this is my old friend, Donny. 483 00:23:39,460 --> 00:23:40,668 Your best friend. 484 00:23:41,087 --> 00:23:42,212 I'm his best friend. 485 00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:44,464 Your best friend. 486 00:23:45,800 --> 00:23:46,966 Yeah, no. 487 00:23:47,051 --> 00:23:49,010 Remember I told you we met... 488 00:23:49,553 --> 00:23:50,553 Where'd we meet? 489 00:23:50,638 --> 00:23:52,305 -We met... -Where? 490 00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:54,349 -Come on. -It's coming to me. 491 00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:55,642 I saved his life. 492 00:23:56,977 --> 00:23:58,311 Well, more metaphorically. 493 00:23:58,521 --> 00:24:00,355 No, no, no, no, no. Here's what happened. 494 00:24:00,439 --> 00:24:02,857 It was, like, one of them train track kind of deals. 495 00:24:03,109 --> 00:24:04,651 My man over here, I see him, 496 00:24:04,735 --> 00:24:06,694 he drops his burrito on the tracks. 497 00:24:06,946 --> 00:24:08,530 I'm like, "All right, that happens." 498 00:24:08,989 --> 00:24:11,366 Next thing you know, homeboy leaps down there, 499 00:24:11,450 --> 00:24:13,368 and he tries to retrieve the burrito. 500 00:24:13,828 --> 00:24:16,204 Okay? I see a train whizzing at him. 501 00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:18,790 I'm like, "This guy's about to die, and he don't know it." 502 00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:21,251 I fucking leap down there myself, right, 503 00:24:21,335 --> 00:24:23,044 and I give him a little shove on the heinie. 504 00:24:23,129 --> 00:24:24,671 "Get out of the way, buddy!" 505 00:24:24,755 --> 00:24:26,047 Next thing you know, I realize 506 00:24:26,215 --> 00:24:27,841 this thing's going to hit me. 507 00:24:27,925 --> 00:24:29,509 I fucking remember, though, 508 00:24:29,593 --> 00:24:30,802 I had a kung fu instructor 509 00:24:30,886 --> 00:24:33,138 who taught me how to tighten the diaphragm, 510 00:24:33,222 --> 00:24:35,014 and I bring it in there. 511 00:24:35,099 --> 00:24:36,349 And I feel the train go by. 512 00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:37,475 My eyes are closed. 513 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,311 Rips my shirt off my body, okay? I open my eyes. 514 00:24:40,396 --> 00:24:43,356 I see all these chicks just kind of looking at me, going, "What is that? 515 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:44,941 "That's the fucking most chiseled guy I've ever seen." 516 00:24:45,025 --> 00:24:46,776 I worked out at the time. 517 00:24:46,861 --> 00:24:49,362 Anyways, the place goes bananas for me, I sign a couple of titties, 518 00:24:49,446 --> 00:24:51,156 and I started hanging out with this guy ever since. 519 00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:52,782 Best friends, right? Here you go, my boy. 520 00:24:52,908 --> 00:24:56,452 I just can't believe I've never heard that story before. 521 00:24:56,912 --> 00:24:59,038 Why wouldn't you just get another burrito, Todd? 522 00:25:00,416 --> 00:25:02,125 Wouldn't it be dirty? 523 00:25:02,668 --> 00:25:04,127 Great questions. 524 00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:08,006 It's one of the many things about this story that's pretty hard to believe. 525 00:25:08,382 --> 00:25:09,757 So, where are you staying, Donny? 526 00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:11,176 He's not staying. 527 00:25:11,260 --> 00:25:12,260 No. 528 00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,764 I can't stay. Yeah, no, he's right. 529 00:25:16,932 --> 00:25:20,059 Oh, pshaw. I mean, invite him to stay here. 530 00:25:20,144 --> 00:25:21,561 You have to stay. 531 00:25:21,645 --> 00:25:23,897 He's your best friend. You're his best friend. 532 00:25:23,981 --> 00:25:25,398 Sheesh, I'm not messing with her. 533 00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:27,942 I mean, you are my best friend, guy. 534 00:25:28,027 --> 00:25:30,486 And, Jamie, you can be my breast friend. 535 00:25:33,782 --> 00:25:36,117 Breast, with an "R." With an "R." 536 00:25:38,996 --> 00:25:41,623 By the way, dude, you look fantastic. 537 00:25:41,916 --> 00:25:43,416 You lost all the weight, homeboy. 538 00:25:43,500 --> 00:25:44,709 I miss the titties. 539 00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:47,045 You saved my life? Seriously? 540 00:25:47,129 --> 00:25:49,005 What? They ate that up. 541 00:25:50,090 --> 00:25:51,758 You came up with a whole lot of nothing. 542 00:25:52,468 --> 00:25:53,718 That's a nice suitcase, by the way. 543 00:25:53,802 --> 00:25:54,844 What is that, Louis Vuitton? 544 00:25:55,471 --> 00:25:56,804 This is a Hefty bag. 545 00:25:57,223 --> 00:25:58,640 What the fuck are you talking about? 546 00:25:58,807 --> 00:26:00,558 What do you want, Donny? Money? 547 00:26:00,643 --> 00:26:03,228 You heard I was doing well, so you came looking for a handout? 548 00:26:03,312 --> 00:26:05,647 I don't want none of your money. How is that? Okay? 549 00:26:05,731 --> 00:26:07,148 I get it. You don't like me. 550 00:26:07,233 --> 00:26:08,650 I exploded. 551 00:26:08,817 --> 00:26:09,817 I wish you had exploded. 552 00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:12,070 That way, I wouldn't have to see your stupid face anymore! 553 00:26:12,154 --> 00:26:13,154 Did you happen to notice 554 00:26:13,239 --> 00:26:16,241 I created a whole fake life just so I could get away from you? 555 00:26:16,659 --> 00:26:17,992 Your mother's sick, by the way. 556 00:26:19,620 --> 00:26:20,662 I don't believe you. 557 00:26:22,164 --> 00:26:23,998 They don't know how long she's got. 558 00:26:24,166 --> 00:26:25,375 What is that, nunchucks? 559 00:26:25,793 --> 00:26:28,878 I told her you would visit her up at the prison. 560 00:26:31,006 --> 00:26:35,301 I'm kind of thinking you're the kind of guy who would pull through for Mumsie. 561 00:26:35,386 --> 00:26:37,095 Know what I'm saying? 562 00:26:37,179 --> 00:26:39,180 She'd do the same for you. 563 00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:40,848 Really? 564 00:26:41,183 --> 00:26:44,644 Yeah. Saturday's the last visiting day before the big surgery, so... 565 00:26:44,979 --> 00:26:46,062 So let me get this straight. 566 00:26:46,146 --> 00:26:48,273 You want me to go visit my "sick mom" 567 00:26:48,357 --> 00:26:50,483 that I haven't talked to in years, in prison, 568 00:26:50,567 --> 00:26:52,026 the day before my wedding. 569 00:26:52,319 --> 00:26:53,361 Correct. 570 00:26:53,445 --> 00:26:54,779 Not happening, asshole. 571 00:26:54,863 --> 00:26:56,948 What the fuck did I do to you 572 00:26:57,032 --> 00:26:58,157 to make you hate me so much? 573 00:26:58,242 --> 00:26:59,742 I am fucking baffled right now. 574 00:26:59,827 --> 00:27:02,704 Well, maybe you don't remember, but you were basically the worst parent ever. 575 00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:04,914 Me? I did everything for you, buddy, 576 00:27:04,999 --> 00:27:07,500 and I never gave you an ounce of shit about nothing. 577 00:27:07,751 --> 00:27:09,210 You never gave me nothing. 578 00:27:09,295 --> 00:27:10,503 I gave you a snake. 579 00:27:10,587 --> 00:27:13,214 Yeah, and then it died after it ate all your Quaaludes. 580 00:27:13,507 --> 00:27:17,552 That was the only time anybody's ever seen a king cobra laugh. 581 00:27:18,387 --> 00:27:20,388 And I take pride in that, so fuck you. 582 00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:22,181 Yeah, great. You know what? 583 00:27:22,266 --> 00:27:24,309 I basically had to raise myself, Donny. 584 00:27:24,393 --> 00:27:25,768 I never learned how to swim. 585 00:27:25,853 --> 00:27:27,312 I don't even know how to ride a bike. 586 00:27:27,396 --> 00:27:28,896 You know how fucking humiliating that is? 587 00:27:29,106 --> 00:27:30,982 What about Mr. Mitty? Remember him? 588 00:27:31,775 --> 00:27:33,318 What? No. What's that? 589 00:27:33,402 --> 00:27:35,361 Mr. Mitty. I used to put an oven mitt on my hand. 590 00:27:35,446 --> 00:27:37,905 He would cheer you up all the time when you were sad. 591 00:27:37,990 --> 00:27:39,615 "Don't be upset, young man. 592 00:27:39,700 --> 00:27:41,492 "I'm your best friend. 593 00:27:41,577 --> 00:27:43,244 "Even though I'm an oven mitt." 594 00:27:43,746 --> 00:27:45,163 No, I don't remember that, okay? 595 00:27:45,247 --> 00:27:46,247 You know what I do remember? 596 00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:48,541 You making me drive you home from the beach 597 00:27:48,625 --> 00:27:49,709 'cause you got too drunk. 598 00:27:50,210 --> 00:27:51,252 It makes sense to me. 599 00:27:51,337 --> 00:27:53,629 When somebody's hammered, they have another guy drive home. 600 00:27:54,006 --> 00:27:55,006 I was eight! 601 00:27:55,507 --> 00:27:58,176 Well, you looked 14 'cause you were such a huge fat fuck. 602 00:27:58,260 --> 00:27:59,260 I'm sorry. 603 00:27:59,428 --> 00:28:00,887 You are such an asshole. 604 00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:03,264 Dude, you're a millionaire now, 605 00:28:03,349 --> 00:28:05,391 and you're marrying that hot chick. 606 00:28:05,768 --> 00:28:08,853 I must have done a pretty decent job as a dad, don't you think? 607 00:28:09,146 --> 00:28:11,689 Oh, yeah? You want to check in on your pretty decent job? 608 00:28:12,024 --> 00:28:13,149 Oh, my God. 609 00:28:13,734 --> 00:28:15,985 You're a junkie? Who's your supplier? 610 00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:17,904 'Cause I'll smack that motherfucker around. 611 00:28:18,030 --> 00:28:19,655 It's insulin, you dick. 612 00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:23,284 I'm a diabetic 'cause you let me eat cake and lollipops for breakfast every day. 613 00:28:23,786 --> 00:28:24,994 But that's what you fucking asked for. 614 00:28:25,120 --> 00:28:26,829 Yeah, you're supposed to say no. 615 00:28:26,997 --> 00:28:30,083 You know, I weighed 400 pounds by the time I was 1 2. 616 00:28:30,167 --> 00:28:31,959 You know how hard it was to take that weight off? 617 00:28:32,211 --> 00:28:33,503 All right, all right. 618 00:28:34,380 --> 00:28:36,923 I didn't know what I was doing. I had no one helping me. 619 00:28:37,257 --> 00:28:39,592 Grandpa was a psycho. You know that. 620 00:28:40,177 --> 00:28:41,969 Han Solo, don't be like this. 621 00:28:42,054 --> 00:28:43,221 I'm a good person. 622 00:28:43,305 --> 00:28:44,764 Okay, don't call me that, all right? 623 00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:45,973 My name's Todd now. 624 00:28:46,058 --> 00:28:48,559 Call yourself Han Solo. You're dressed like him. 625 00:28:49,853 --> 00:28:51,104 Good one. 626 00:28:51,188 --> 00:28:53,940 I'm just saying, buddy, give me a chance. 627 00:28:54,024 --> 00:28:55,483 Do you have any Axe body spray? 628 00:28:56,610 --> 00:29:00,154 No, Donny, I don't have any Axe body spray. 629 00:29:00,781 --> 00:29:03,366 Because I'm not a fucking douche bag. 630 00:29:05,035 --> 00:29:06,119 That's a douche bag thing? 631 00:29:06,203 --> 00:29:07,954 When did that become a douche bag thing? 632 00:29:08,038 --> 00:29:10,164 Todd, the guests are arriving. Let's go! 633 00:29:10,833 --> 00:29:12,417 All right, can you lighten up a little bit? 634 00:29:12,501 --> 00:29:13,709 We got a party to attend. 635 00:29:13,794 --> 00:29:14,794 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. 636 00:29:15,254 --> 00:29:17,630 Good person, how about you put on a tie, okay? 637 00:29:17,714 --> 00:29:19,799 It's a cocktail party, not a Quiznos opening. 638 00:29:20,259 --> 00:29:24,053 What? I haven't worn a tie since my mother's funeral when I was three. 639 00:29:24,138 --> 00:29:25,388 I'm not going to start that up again. 640 00:29:25,639 --> 00:29:26,848 That's great. Put on a tie. 641 00:29:27,182 --> 00:29:29,350 -No. -Put on a tie! 642 00:29:29,518 --> 00:29:30,852 I'll never sell out. 643 00:29:32,271 --> 00:29:33,521 I'll give you 1 00 bucks. 644 00:29:33,772 --> 00:29:34,856 Where's the tie? 645 00:29:35,315 --> 00:29:37,066 Look at this. 646 00:29:37,151 --> 00:29:39,652 Jamie is going to have it all. 647 00:29:42,114 --> 00:29:43,197 By the way, Mr. Spirou, 648 00:29:43,282 --> 00:29:45,324 I read the OPEC report, and I was thinking, 649 00:29:45,409 --> 00:29:47,326 if we hedge our position on oil, we could really... 650 00:29:51,582 --> 00:29:53,916 If we were to short the euro, we could... 651 00:29:54,126 --> 00:29:56,502 Come on, Todd. This is your wedding weekend. 652 00:29:56,712 --> 00:29:58,880 You are marrying a real workaholic. You do know that. 653 00:29:59,131 --> 00:30:01,674 Yeah, but isn't that what you want in a partner? 654 00:30:02,342 --> 00:30:03,843 She's good, this one. 655 00:30:03,927 --> 00:30:05,219 She's good. 656 00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:09,098 All right, all right. 657 00:30:09,183 --> 00:30:10,433 I haven't made that decision yet, 658 00:30:10,851 --> 00:30:11,976 but I love this kid. 659 00:30:12,311 --> 00:30:14,520 You lost your dad in that explosion, 660 00:30:14,813 --> 00:30:15,980 and I lost my son. 661 00:30:16,315 --> 00:30:18,399 I thought your son was a ski instructor in Vail. 662 00:30:18,525 --> 00:30:20,985 He's a pot-smoking bum! 663 00:30:21,278 --> 00:30:23,154 Not like you, Todd. Oh, no. 664 00:30:23,238 --> 00:30:25,072 You're the type of boy a father can be proud of. 665 00:30:25,449 --> 00:30:26,574 Yeah, we'll never know, will we? 666 00:30:28,410 --> 00:30:30,328 -Who's that? -I'm not here. 667 00:30:30,871 --> 00:30:33,748 That's Donny. 668 00:30:34,708 --> 00:30:37,210 Donny, come on. Say hi to everyone. 669 00:30:38,128 --> 00:30:39,670 Oh, God, hang on. 670 00:30:39,755 --> 00:30:41,255 Let me swing these free. 671 00:30:42,758 --> 00:30:44,258 Glad all the children saw that. 672 00:30:44,426 --> 00:30:45,760 Donny, 673 00:30:45,844 --> 00:30:47,261 this is Steve Spirou, Todd's boss. 674 00:30:49,806 --> 00:30:52,099 Wassup! 675 00:30:54,436 --> 00:30:55,603 Is that back? 676 00:30:57,648 --> 00:30:59,732 Because I've been dying for that to come back. 677 00:30:59,816 --> 00:31:00,858 Wassup! 678 00:31:01,026 --> 00:31:02,193 Yeah! 679 00:31:02,861 --> 00:31:04,028 That's my boy! Look at him! 680 00:31:04,112 --> 00:31:05,321 He ain't a tight-ass. 681 00:31:05,405 --> 00:31:06,489 Wassup! 682 00:31:07,991 --> 00:31:12,286 -Wassup! -Wassup! 683 00:31:12,663 --> 00:31:14,205 Wassup! 684 00:31:16,959 --> 00:31:18,209 What's up? 685 00:31:21,630 --> 00:31:23,506 Boo! 686 00:31:23,966 --> 00:31:25,925 That was terrible, Todd. 687 00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:28,719 So, I see the train coming, 688 00:31:28,804 --> 00:31:30,846 and something kind of like takes over me, you know? 689 00:31:32,683 --> 00:31:34,225 -Here you go, Abigail. -Thank you. 690 00:31:34,309 --> 00:31:37,436 And so, I decide to jump off the platform, right? 691 00:31:37,854 --> 00:31:39,480 Snaps my legs in two. 692 00:31:40,482 --> 00:31:43,025 What did I expect? It was a 25-foot drop, you know? 693 00:31:43,360 --> 00:31:44,610 Twenty-five feet? 694 00:31:44,861 --> 00:31:46,946 So I grab Burrito Bandito over here, 695 00:31:47,030 --> 00:31:48,322 and I just roll him out of the way. 696 00:31:48,949 --> 00:31:50,658 The train missed our skulls by inches. 697 00:31:51,285 --> 00:31:52,868 Why would you do something like that, Todd? 698 00:31:53,328 --> 00:31:54,662 You know, I really don't know, Steve. 699 00:31:54,955 --> 00:31:56,914 I mean, why wouldn't you just buy another burrito? 700 00:31:57,249 --> 00:31:58,583 Yeah, no, I know. 701 00:31:58,667 --> 00:32:00,334 I don't know what I could have been thinking. 702 00:32:00,877 --> 00:32:03,671 Maybe he was high on the hashish. 703 00:32:05,299 --> 00:32:07,008 Hey, how about I get you another beer, huh, Donny Boy? 704 00:32:07,426 --> 00:32:08,426 Twenty's my limit. 705 00:32:08,510 --> 00:32:10,052 No! No, no. 706 00:32:10,137 --> 00:32:12,888 But, Donny Boy has got to go to bed, though, right? 707 00:32:14,266 --> 00:32:15,933 Oh, fiddlesnatch. 708 00:32:16,518 --> 00:32:17,602 It's the afternoon. 709 00:32:17,853 --> 00:32:20,563 Remember you told me you wanted to get to bed early? 710 00:32:21,648 --> 00:32:23,107 Oh, okay. Yeah, no, no, no. 711 00:32:23,191 --> 00:32:24,191 Todd's right. 712 00:32:24,276 --> 00:32:25,276 Oh, my God. 713 00:32:25,611 --> 00:32:26,986 You're right, it is him. 714 00:32:27,070 --> 00:32:28,571 -You're Donny Berger. -It's him. 715 00:32:28,864 --> 00:32:31,324 Do you remember that kid who got his teacher pregnant in Somerville? 716 00:32:31,533 --> 00:32:33,034 Wait a minute, that is you. 717 00:32:33,118 --> 00:32:34,285 Donny Berger. 718 00:32:34,494 --> 00:32:36,537 Didn't you and your teacher have a kid? 719 00:32:36,622 --> 00:32:38,039 Wait a minute. What was his name? 720 00:32:38,123 --> 00:32:39,874 Indiana Jones, huh? 721 00:32:40,042 --> 00:32:42,043 It was something fantastic like that. 722 00:32:42,127 --> 00:32:43,419 Yeah, Han Solo Berger. 723 00:32:43,670 --> 00:32:45,713 Yeah, Han Solo, Han Solo. What ever happened to him? 724 00:32:46,048 --> 00:32:47,131 What happened to him? 725 00:32:47,215 --> 00:32:48,883 He actually became a dick. 726 00:32:50,927 --> 00:32:52,803 A private eye, I mean. 727 00:32:53,138 --> 00:32:55,681 One of the biggest and hairiest dicks in the world. 728 00:32:56,224 --> 00:32:57,224 Okay. 729 00:32:57,601 --> 00:33:00,728 Hey, look, this might seem weird, but do you think you would ever... 730 00:33:00,937 --> 00:33:03,314 Bone your wife? Yeah, I mean, I'd love to. 731 00:33:03,482 --> 00:33:05,107 She's a hot little number. 732 00:33:06,068 --> 00:33:09,153 Well, you know, I was just going to ask you for an autograph, but... 733 00:33:09,237 --> 00:33:11,697 Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. On her tits or... 734 00:33:12,157 --> 00:33:14,408 -Or a piece of paper would be fine. -Yeah, or a photo. 735 00:33:14,785 --> 00:33:16,077 Okay, well, this has been fun. 736 00:33:16,411 --> 00:33:18,371 -But, Donny... -Not to toot my own horn, 737 00:33:18,455 --> 00:33:20,122 but I got kind of close once. 738 00:33:20,207 --> 00:33:22,541 Mrs. Weiss, freshman geometry. 739 00:33:22,626 --> 00:33:23,959 And I think she would have done it, too. 740 00:33:24,044 --> 00:33:25,795 I just didn't know how to make the move. 741 00:33:26,088 --> 00:33:27,505 You know what? I would have killed 742 00:33:27,589 --> 00:33:30,341 to bang my eighth grade biology teacher, Mrs. Cohn. 743 00:33:30,425 --> 00:33:33,177 I used to dream of dissecting her with my penis. 744 00:33:33,261 --> 00:33:37,098 It's so weird what goes on upstairs when you hit puberty. 745 00:33:37,557 --> 00:33:41,894 I actually stole my middle school librarian's glasses 746 00:33:41,978 --> 00:33:44,230 to wear while I masturbated. 747 00:33:44,981 --> 00:33:45,981 What is that about? 748 00:33:46,274 --> 00:33:48,651 In my day, when I got into trouble, 749 00:33:48,944 --> 00:33:51,821 the headmaster would slap your hand with his dick. 750 00:33:53,156 --> 00:33:54,448 She wins. 751 00:33:56,284 --> 00:33:58,536 You know, Todd was working at the cubicle 752 00:33:58,620 --> 00:34:01,997 next to mine one year, 1 2 weeks and one day ago 753 00:34:02,082 --> 00:34:04,417 when he met a pretty girl at the gym named Jamie. 754 00:34:05,460 --> 00:34:07,086 How many days is that, Todd? 755 00:34:07,295 --> 00:34:08,671 Computing, Steve. 756 00:34:09,631 --> 00:34:10,881 451 . 757 00:34:13,635 --> 00:34:15,678 It's actually 450. 758 00:34:16,179 --> 00:34:17,638 Battle of the brainiacs! 759 00:34:17,973 --> 00:34:20,266 Yeah, this guy forgot about leap year, I guess. 760 00:34:22,519 --> 00:34:23,769 He's smarter than Todd! 761 00:34:24,062 --> 00:34:27,481 Okay, we're talking a lot about numbers, but let's get back to love. 762 00:34:28,108 --> 00:34:29,066 What's the matter, hot stuff? 763 00:34:29,151 --> 00:34:30,192 Where do you think you get it from? 764 00:34:30,318 --> 00:34:31,485 Your mother was a math teacher, 765 00:34:31,570 --> 00:34:33,362 and I was pretty much a whiz kid myself. 766 00:34:33,989 --> 00:34:36,031 The ability to make a bong out of a Taco Bell cup 767 00:34:36,116 --> 00:34:37,450 doesn't make you a whiz kid, Donny. 768 00:34:38,410 --> 00:34:40,327 Leap year, motherfucker. 769 00:34:40,579 --> 00:34:43,414 I think it's kind of a magical moment. 770 00:34:43,498 --> 00:34:47,084 You know, Todd's oldest friend, Donny, miraculously appearing like this. 771 00:34:47,169 --> 00:34:48,169 What? 772 00:34:48,253 --> 00:34:51,839 So I am graciously going to step aside and allow Donny 773 00:34:52,340 --> 00:34:53,841 to take over as the best man. 774 00:34:53,925 --> 00:34:54,967 Give it up for Donny! 775 00:34:55,093 --> 00:34:56,427 Oh, no, no, no. 776 00:34:56,511 --> 00:34:58,095 Phil, you don't have to do that. 777 00:34:58,513 --> 00:35:00,306 No music. No, no, no, no. 778 00:35:00,557 --> 00:35:02,683 Kill the music. Phil, Phil, you... 779 00:35:02,893 --> 00:35:04,477 That's so nice of you, but you don't have to do that. 780 00:35:04,811 --> 00:35:06,854 Oh, I don't mind. You two are very close. 781 00:35:06,938 --> 00:35:09,231 We are. We are very close, but you and I are close, too. 782 00:35:09,691 --> 00:35:13,027 Well, we work together, but I wouldn't call us close. 783 00:35:13,487 --> 00:35:17,364 I mean, I was actually kind of surprised when you asked me to be your best man. 784 00:35:17,449 --> 00:35:19,074 Made me feel a little sorry for you. 785 00:35:19,701 --> 00:35:21,786 That's true. He had no idea who he was. 786 00:35:21,870 --> 00:35:23,120 No. 787 00:35:23,288 --> 00:35:25,372 I accept. I do. I love it. It's an honor. 788 00:35:25,499 --> 00:35:27,208 -Way to go, Donny! -Are you kidding me? 789 00:35:27,292 --> 00:35:29,293 You got Fenway Park in your backyard? 790 00:35:29,377 --> 00:35:31,587 I had that built when my son started Little League. 791 00:35:31,671 --> 00:35:32,713 He never used it. 792 00:35:32,881 --> 00:35:35,508 The little douche bag just sat in his room listening to reggae. 793 00:35:35,801 --> 00:35:38,093 Well, let's lose these ties and hit some dingers. 794 00:35:38,261 --> 00:35:39,595 What do you say? Come on! 795 00:35:41,932 --> 00:35:44,433 No, no, no. Please, don't let this be happening. 796 00:35:45,018 --> 00:35:47,603 Don't let this be happening, please. 797 00:35:47,687 --> 00:35:49,104 No sports. 798 00:35:49,397 --> 00:35:50,940 All right, guys, let's see what we got out there. 799 00:35:51,066 --> 00:35:54,235 Please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me. Please don't hit it to me. 800 00:35:54,986 --> 00:35:56,070 Get under it, kid. 801 00:36:00,242 --> 00:36:01,408 Yeah! 802 00:36:03,370 --> 00:36:04,370 Moron. 803 00:36:04,830 --> 00:36:06,205 Here we go! Taking down two there! 804 00:36:06,414 --> 00:36:08,290 All right, Gerald, kid! Here we go, guy! 805 00:36:08,750 --> 00:36:09,875 Stay on it! 806 00:36:11,461 --> 00:36:12,837 Oh, my God! 807 00:36:14,214 --> 00:36:17,091 Grandma, what's up, honey? Are you awake, sweetheart? 808 00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:18,384 Here we go. 809 00:36:18,969 --> 00:36:20,636 Get under it! Get dirty! 810 00:36:21,263 --> 00:36:22,513 What the fuck? 811 00:36:23,974 --> 00:36:26,100 -Got it. -Nice catch, Mama! 812 00:36:26,434 --> 00:36:28,477 Let's let Todd-o get this one, huh? 813 00:36:28,770 --> 00:36:30,104 Oh, no, that's okay. 814 00:36:30,355 --> 00:36:31,730 Todd, come on! 815 00:36:31,898 --> 00:36:33,524 No, no. Hit one to that two-year-old. 816 00:36:33,650 --> 00:36:35,025 He hasn't gotten one yet. 817 00:36:35,110 --> 00:36:36,360 Here you go, big man. 818 00:36:38,613 --> 00:36:40,030 -What? -Quit showing off 819 00:36:40,115 --> 00:36:41,866 for the girls, buddy. They're mine. 820 00:36:43,660 --> 00:36:44,743 Come on, now. 821 00:36:48,164 --> 00:36:49,498 You got it. You got it. 822 00:36:53,378 --> 00:36:54,962 Okay, Todd, you all set, buddy? 823 00:36:55,088 --> 00:36:56,255 Don't hit it to me. 824 00:36:56,381 --> 00:36:57,423 Coming to you, homie. 825 00:37:04,180 --> 00:37:05,222 Holy shit. 826 00:37:08,476 --> 00:37:10,477 Oh, my God. Are you all right, guy? 827 00:37:12,731 --> 00:37:13,939 Come on. You're fine. 828 00:37:14,274 --> 00:37:15,566 Throw it in there, guy. 829 00:37:15,817 --> 00:37:17,484 I think the ball's broken. 830 00:37:18,194 --> 00:37:19,194 Throw it in, Todd. 831 00:37:19,321 --> 00:37:20,404 Todd, throw the ball. 832 00:37:20,488 --> 00:37:22,156 Come on, Todd! 833 00:37:22,324 --> 00:37:24,158 Throw it, you big vagina. Do it. 834 00:37:24,409 --> 00:37:26,076 Todd, we want to keep playing, buddy. 835 00:37:26,161 --> 00:37:27,244 We need a ball, kid. 836 00:37:27,329 --> 00:37:28,370 Just throw it. 837 00:37:28,455 --> 00:37:29,496 Such a pussy. 838 00:37:31,833 --> 00:37:32,791 On a rope! 839 00:37:32,876 --> 00:37:34,168 Holy fuck! 840 00:37:37,380 --> 00:37:41,383 We now return to The Donny Berger Story, starring lan Ziering. 841 00:37:41,635 --> 00:37:42,760 -Yo! -Donny. 842 00:37:43,011 --> 00:37:45,596 -I'm in a Jacuzzi. Hang on one sec. -Yeah. 843 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:46,847 Fucking... Here. 844 00:37:46,932 --> 00:37:48,307 -Who'll take the cigar? -Oh, no. 845 00:37:48,433 --> 00:37:49,433 -Donny. -Keep that lit for me. 846 00:37:49,517 --> 00:37:50,684 Take my fucking shades. 847 00:37:50,769 --> 00:37:52,019 -Wear them if you want. -Yeah! 848 00:37:52,103 --> 00:37:53,270 All right. So, hang on. 849 00:37:53,355 --> 00:37:54,313 I want to wear them. 850 00:37:54,397 --> 00:37:55,522 I'll be back. 851 00:37:59,945 --> 00:38:00,945 All right. 852 00:38:01,029 --> 00:38:02,029 My goodness! 853 00:38:02,322 --> 00:38:03,447 Yeah, what's going on? 854 00:38:03,907 --> 00:38:05,282 Guess what's on TV? 855 00:38:05,533 --> 00:38:07,242 Hey, there, little buddy. 856 00:38:07,452 --> 00:38:08,994 l'm Mr. Mitty. 857 00:38:09,871 --> 00:38:13,040 l will always love you. 858 00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:15,292 What is that, The Donny Berger Story? 859 00:38:15,377 --> 00:38:16,377 Hell, yeah. 860 00:38:16,586 --> 00:38:18,671 Don't you get money every time that shit is shown? 861 00:38:18,755 --> 00:38:20,839 This could be your "get out ofjail free" card. 862 00:38:21,091 --> 00:38:23,884 Last check I got for that was 85 cents. 863 00:38:24,219 --> 00:38:26,553 Is Han Solo gonna do the show at the women's prison with you? 864 00:38:26,805 --> 00:38:30,349 You know, I haven't discussed any particulars with him yet. 865 00:38:30,433 --> 00:38:33,394 I am actually just trying to be a dad right now. 866 00:38:33,895 --> 00:38:35,437 You're gonna go to prison on Tuesday. 867 00:38:35,522 --> 00:38:37,398 You have got to get that money somehow. 868 00:38:39,192 --> 00:38:40,275 Kenny, what the fuck? 869 00:38:40,402 --> 00:38:41,944 I thought this was a bathroom! 870 00:38:42,028 --> 00:38:43,070 Fuck you! 871 00:38:43,571 --> 00:38:45,155 -Honk! -Oh, nobody squeezes my titty 872 00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:46,365 for free, honey! 873 00:38:46,449 --> 00:38:48,158 Okay, good luck with that. 874 00:38:48,493 --> 00:38:50,160 God, you're such an idiot! 875 00:38:50,245 --> 00:38:52,287 Todd, you already messed up my flowers! 876 00:38:52,747 --> 00:38:54,581 -I'm sorry. -Just get the cake! 877 00:38:54,874 --> 00:38:57,084 No walnuts! No fucking excuses! 878 00:38:57,502 --> 00:38:59,586 I love you! Do you love me? 879 00:39:00,797 --> 00:39:01,922 What? 880 00:39:03,633 --> 00:39:05,509 "You screwed up my cake! 881 00:39:05,593 --> 00:39:06,760 "You screwed up my cake!" 882 00:39:06,886 --> 00:39:08,012 What? 883 00:39:08,096 --> 00:39:09,722 It's me, it's me. Can I come in? 884 00:39:09,806 --> 00:39:11,181 -Yeah, sure. -What's up, buddy? 885 00:39:11,266 --> 00:39:14,184 What was she yelling at? What'd you do wrong? 886 00:39:14,519 --> 00:39:16,603 She's just stressed out 'cause of the wedding. 887 00:39:16,730 --> 00:39:18,063 Oh, really? 888 00:39:18,148 --> 00:39:20,607 You sure she's not stressed out about maybe sex or something? 889 00:39:20,692 --> 00:39:22,443 Have you been going down on her? 890 00:39:22,944 --> 00:39:24,361 -What? -No, I'm just saying, 891 00:39:24,446 --> 00:39:26,530 a lot of times, girls I've met over the years, 892 00:39:26,614 --> 00:39:28,824 when they've been ragging on me and yelling at me and shit, 893 00:39:28,908 --> 00:39:31,326 if I kiss their pussies, they kind of go, 894 00:39:31,411 --> 00:39:33,537 "You're right, you're a good guy." 895 00:39:34,289 --> 00:39:36,040 Yeah, that's personal, Donny. 896 00:39:36,249 --> 00:39:38,042 Yeah, no, no. You know her better than me, fine. 897 00:39:38,793 --> 00:39:39,877 So... 898 00:39:41,296 --> 00:39:43,172 You wear a bathing suit in the shower? 899 00:39:43,590 --> 00:39:45,966 -You know that's fucking nuts, right? -Are you serious? 900 00:39:46,051 --> 00:39:48,635 I can't even take my shirt off in front of other people because of you. 901 00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:51,096 Because of me. What did I do this time? 902 00:39:51,473 --> 00:39:52,973 Let me jog your memory. 903 00:39:59,064 --> 00:40:00,481 The New Kids on the Block! 904 00:40:00,857 --> 00:40:01,899 Holy shit! 905 00:40:01,983 --> 00:40:04,109 Their heads are all warped now! 906 00:40:04,194 --> 00:40:05,611 Oh, my God! 907 00:40:05,695 --> 00:40:07,905 Yeah, it's 'cause I got it when I was in third grade. 908 00:40:07,989 --> 00:40:09,073 My body grew. 909 00:40:09,157 --> 00:40:11,241 I'm sorry. It's fine, it's fine. Let me see it again. 910 00:40:12,827 --> 00:40:14,620 Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh 911 00:40:14,704 --> 00:40:16,872 You got a back tattoo 912 00:40:16,956 --> 00:40:18,749 Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh 913 00:40:18,833 --> 00:40:20,584 Their heads are fucking warped 914 00:40:21,252 --> 00:40:23,045 -You suck. -Come on, dude. 915 00:40:23,129 --> 00:40:24,338 Why you getting so serious? 916 00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:26,507 I still got the tattoo I got when I was... 917 00:40:26,591 --> 00:40:29,343 When I was a teenager. And I'm fine with it, you know. 918 00:40:31,429 --> 00:40:34,014 "De plane! De plane!" 919 00:40:34,808 --> 00:40:35,891 "De plane!" 920 00:40:36,309 --> 00:40:38,936 Yeah, I remember it. I still don't know who that is. 921 00:40:39,687 --> 00:40:40,938 It's fucking... 922 00:40:41,022 --> 00:40:43,232 "De plane, de plane" guy from Fantasy lsland. 923 00:40:43,316 --> 00:40:44,316 Tattoo. 924 00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:46,360 I got a tattoo of Tattoo. I thought that was funny. 925 00:40:46,694 --> 00:40:47,820 Well, it's not. 926 00:40:48,113 --> 00:40:49,404 Lighten up, dude. Come on. 927 00:40:49,489 --> 00:40:50,864 -"De plane!" -Don't. Donny, don't. 928 00:40:51,282 --> 00:40:52,407 -I'm serious. -"De plane!" 929 00:40:52,492 --> 00:40:53,492 -No. -You're still ticklish. 930 00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:55,202 No, I'm not ticklish! 931 00:40:58,039 --> 00:40:59,456 -Come on, now! -The tickle monster. 932 00:40:59,541 --> 00:41:01,750 -I tickle you like that. -No. 933 00:41:01,835 --> 00:41:02,960 Stop! No, stop it! 934 00:41:03,044 --> 00:41:04,419 Watch yourself. 935 00:41:04,838 --> 00:41:06,630 Stop it! Stop it, no! 936 00:41:07,715 --> 00:41:08,924 Give me that, Hansie. 937 00:41:09,175 --> 00:41:10,884 Why is your dick in my face? 938 00:41:10,969 --> 00:41:12,678 And why is it kind of hard? 939 00:41:12,804 --> 00:41:15,264 What are you two homos doing? 940 00:41:19,811 --> 00:41:21,061 Just rasslin'. 941 00:41:21,771 --> 00:41:22,813 All right. 942 00:41:22,897 --> 00:41:24,898 'Cause you're looking at an all-state fucking wrestling champion, 943 00:41:24,983 --> 00:41:26,233 and I got the winner. 944 00:41:26,401 --> 00:41:27,651 Okay. Well, he won. 945 00:41:27,735 --> 00:41:29,111 -No, I didn't. -Yeah, you did. You won. 946 00:41:29,195 --> 00:41:30,195 What? No, I didn't. 947 00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:31,989 You're gonna love it, buddy. Wrestle him. 948 00:41:32,073 --> 00:41:33,574 -Yeah, Chad. -No, no. 949 00:41:33,741 --> 00:41:35,033 It's actually a funny story. 950 00:41:35,118 --> 00:41:36,243 We were having a tickle fight. 951 00:41:36,327 --> 00:41:37,327 We weren't wrestling at all. 952 00:41:37,412 --> 00:41:39,204 I was losing, admittedly. 953 00:41:39,289 --> 00:41:41,874 Aw, God, I got to start doing some crunches or something. 954 00:41:41,958 --> 00:41:43,083 Look at this. 955 00:41:44,752 --> 00:41:46,086 Oh, you don't like him? 956 00:41:46,254 --> 00:41:47,713 Oh, we don't like you. 957 00:41:48,423 --> 00:41:50,257 He's talking to his dick, buddy. 958 00:41:52,093 --> 00:41:53,260 Now he's hitting it. 959 00:41:53,887 --> 00:41:54,928 No! Why? 960 00:41:55,096 --> 00:41:57,639 You got to puff that fucker up! 961 00:41:58,057 --> 00:41:59,099 Oh, what? No. 962 00:41:59,184 --> 00:42:01,143 You don't have to puff that fucker up. 963 00:42:01,269 --> 00:42:02,436 Let's do this. 964 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,479 Chad, I'm sure you're very athletic... Okay! 965 00:42:04,564 --> 00:42:05,731 Okay! 966 00:42:06,024 --> 00:42:08,108 I tap out. You win, you win. I tap out. 967 00:42:08,193 --> 00:42:10,652 Do you like fucking my sister, Todd? 968 00:42:11,112 --> 00:42:13,739 I mean, do you like sticking your dirty booger fingers in her? 969 00:42:14,866 --> 00:42:15,866 Whoa, what was that? 970 00:42:15,950 --> 00:42:17,576 Let's all just keep our heads, okay? 971 00:42:17,660 --> 00:42:18,952 We've all been drinking a lot tonight. 972 00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:21,038 I'm gonna skull-fuck you... 973 00:42:23,917 --> 00:42:25,792 And that is the end of that. 974 00:42:28,296 --> 00:42:30,172 What, you're mad at me? 975 00:42:30,715 --> 00:42:32,591 How am I the fucking bad guy right now? 976 00:42:33,134 --> 00:42:36,011 You're gonna fucking give me shit with that tattoo on your back? 977 00:42:36,095 --> 00:42:38,055 Look at that stupid fucking thing. 978 00:42:38,306 --> 00:42:39,973 Good buddy, he'll be fine. 979 00:42:40,225 --> 00:42:42,893 Yeah, so we got Chad all tucked in, safe and sound. 980 00:42:43,102 --> 00:42:44,978 I never heard of him passing out drunk before. 981 00:42:45,146 --> 00:42:46,230 Yeah, it was crazy. It was like, 982 00:42:46,314 --> 00:42:48,523 one second, he was with us, totally awake. 983 00:42:48,608 --> 00:42:50,317 Next thing you know, he's face down, 984 00:42:50,860 --> 00:42:51,985 birds a-chirpin'. 985 00:42:53,821 --> 00:42:55,322 What do you think? 986 00:42:55,990 --> 00:42:57,032 You look amazing. 987 00:42:57,367 --> 00:42:58,617 Oh, wait! Isn't it bad luck 988 00:42:58,701 --> 00:43:00,452 for me to see the dress before the wedding, though? 989 00:43:00,536 --> 00:43:03,038 This is a $1 2,000 Vera Wang dress. 990 00:43:03,164 --> 00:43:04,331 I'm gonna wear it whenever I want. 991 00:43:05,250 --> 00:43:08,043 You'd look hot in a $1 2 Wang Chung dress. 992 00:43:08,753 --> 00:43:10,337 That sounds like a line Donny would say. 993 00:43:10,505 --> 00:43:11,755 Yeah, except he'd say, 994 00:43:11,839 --> 00:43:15,008 "You'd look friggin' hot in a Wang Dang Sweet Poontang dress." 995 00:43:15,510 --> 00:43:18,303 Just think he's, like, trailer park-y or something, you know? 996 00:43:18,513 --> 00:43:20,013 -Yeah. -That's probably why his son ran off. 997 00:43:20,348 --> 00:43:21,682 His what? What? Who? His son about... 998 00:43:21,849 --> 00:43:23,475 What'd he say? What did you hear? Did he say something? 999 00:43:23,559 --> 00:43:26,436 Just look at the first page of that book he's been handing out to everyone. 1000 00:43:26,521 --> 00:43:28,146 He has? What? No. 1001 00:43:29,315 --> 00:43:31,066 Head in the Class? 1002 00:43:31,359 --> 00:43:35,028 He said it's like Head ofthe CIass, only with blowjobs. 1003 00:43:35,822 --> 00:43:37,072 It's gross. 1004 00:43:37,365 --> 00:43:39,116 Yeah, it's gross. Blowjobs are gross. 1005 00:43:39,200 --> 00:43:40,367 We don't do those. 1006 00:43:40,952 --> 00:43:42,911 "Dear Jamie, I know you'll make Todd very happy 1007 00:43:42,996 --> 00:43:44,454 "if you bleach your little brown eye." 1008 00:43:44,539 --> 00:43:46,373 Oh, no, not this part. 1009 00:43:56,551 --> 00:43:58,385 Wow, that's sad. 1010 00:44:02,056 --> 00:44:03,724 That weirdly got me. 1011 00:44:03,808 --> 00:44:07,019 I don't know why it got me, but it just got me. 1012 00:44:09,522 --> 00:44:10,772 Can I get a hug right now, or... 1013 00:44:10,982 --> 00:44:13,191 No, no, no, no! We can't wrinkle the dress. 1014 00:44:13,276 --> 00:44:15,152 Hey, if you don't want to wrinkle the dress, 1015 00:44:15,236 --> 00:44:17,112 may I suggest we just remove it? 1016 00:44:17,322 --> 00:44:18,488 Did you take two Xanax? 1017 00:44:18,573 --> 00:44:20,949 I actually took three Xanax. 1018 00:44:21,034 --> 00:44:23,243 And you know that the Xanax makes me 1019 00:44:23,494 --> 00:44:26,663 "H" to the "O" to the "R" To the "N" to the "Y" 1020 00:44:26,748 --> 00:44:27,789 So horny for my fiancée 1021 00:44:27,874 --> 00:44:29,541 No! Down. 1022 00:44:30,418 --> 00:44:32,419 I don't want to have sex with my family in the house. 1023 00:44:32,754 --> 00:44:33,712 No, I know. 1024 00:44:33,796 --> 00:44:36,173 I don't want to have sex with your family, either. 1025 00:44:36,257 --> 00:44:37,507 In the house. 1026 00:44:38,092 --> 00:44:39,343 Came out weird. 1027 00:44:40,178 --> 00:44:42,804 Possibly my last night of spanking the hell out of it 1028 00:44:42,889 --> 00:44:45,557 without having a roommate watching me, so... 1029 00:44:45,933 --> 00:44:47,434 What do we got to work with here? 1030 00:44:52,774 --> 00:44:54,274 Rich people magazines. 1031 00:44:56,444 --> 00:44:58,403 Let's see what we got. 1032 00:45:00,948 --> 00:45:04,076 If I hadn't partied with her husband so many times, I would. 1033 00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:05,994 But it's disrespectful to him. 1034 00:45:06,913 --> 00:45:08,372 I don't know. 1035 00:45:12,460 --> 00:45:13,460 Hello. 1036 00:45:14,337 --> 00:45:18,006 Jeezum Crow, you really were a model, weren't you, Grandma? 1037 00:45:18,716 --> 00:45:23,512 Yeah, old Mr. Woolworth really, really knew how to pick them, didn't he? 1038 00:45:24,639 --> 00:45:27,349 I love that old-time bathing suit. 1039 00:45:28,935 --> 00:45:31,311 I could take you to the speakeasy, and we could, 1040 00:45:31,604 --> 00:45:33,647 we could do the naked Charleston. 1041 00:45:34,315 --> 00:45:37,401 I have to ship out in the morning to fight the Nazis, 1042 00:45:37,485 --> 00:45:40,404 so you better give me something to remember. 1043 00:45:41,406 --> 00:45:42,531 What's that? 1044 00:45:43,324 --> 00:45:44,324 Oh, my God. 1045 00:45:44,909 --> 00:45:48,328 Old lady Grandma wants to get in on the action, too. 1046 00:45:49,122 --> 00:45:50,414 Should we let her? 1047 00:45:50,498 --> 00:45:52,749 I think we should. 1048 00:45:53,084 --> 00:45:54,459 Oh, my God. 1049 00:45:56,087 --> 00:45:57,671 Why do I like her better right now? 1050 00:45:58,339 --> 00:45:59,589 Oh, you bad... 1051 00:45:59,674 --> 00:46:03,260 What have you done to me? 1052 00:46:05,805 --> 00:46:09,349 We got to go for round two, but give me a little bit of time. 1053 00:46:10,184 --> 00:46:12,018 Give me a little bit of time. 1054 00:46:15,022 --> 00:46:16,731 Oh, lovely. 1055 00:46:17,316 --> 00:46:18,692 Just lovely. 1056 00:46:26,242 --> 00:46:27,367 Goodness. 1057 00:46:33,708 --> 00:46:34,916 Oh, my word. 1058 00:46:39,005 --> 00:46:42,048 Best man, wedding rehearsal in an hour. 1059 00:46:43,092 --> 00:46:45,051 There's so many tissues. 1060 00:46:49,390 --> 00:46:51,641 Oh, God. You know, don't touch those, okay? Let's... 1061 00:46:51,809 --> 00:46:53,226 Okay. 1062 00:46:53,394 --> 00:46:54,936 I'm gonna just clean that up. 1063 00:46:55,271 --> 00:46:56,480 Yeah, Donny's sick. 1064 00:46:56,981 --> 00:46:58,773 You don't want to touch these 'cause you'll get sick. 1065 00:46:59,025 --> 00:47:01,067 He's got post-nasal drip, so... 1066 00:47:08,242 --> 00:47:10,660 The tissue's stuck to my picture. 1067 00:47:10,745 --> 00:47:11,912 Here, let me. 1068 00:47:13,915 --> 00:47:15,248 I'll grab that from you. I got it. 1069 00:47:16,417 --> 00:47:19,002 Oh, look at that! There's a little tissue beard there. 1070 00:47:19,086 --> 00:47:21,213 No, don't touch it, please. Don't worry about it. 1071 00:47:21,297 --> 00:47:22,756 Oh, that poor dear. 1072 00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:25,217 I'll just get him some nice, fresh juice. 1073 00:47:25,635 --> 00:47:27,135 Juice. That's a great idea. 1074 00:47:27,220 --> 00:47:28,762 Thank you, Grandma D. Thanks. 1075 00:47:29,347 --> 00:47:32,766 You know, hon, if he's really under the weather, 1076 00:47:32,850 --> 00:47:36,102 maybe it's best if he doesn't masturbate so much. 1077 00:47:37,688 --> 00:47:38,980 That's good advice. 1078 00:47:39,065 --> 00:47:40,607 I'll tell him that, thank you. 1079 00:47:44,529 --> 00:47:46,988 Okay, you can stop pretending to sleep, Sir Jizz-a-lot. 1080 00:47:47,448 --> 00:47:50,992 The old broad knew I was whacking to her the whole time, didn't she? 1081 00:47:51,327 --> 00:47:52,369 That's so funny. 1082 00:47:52,453 --> 00:47:55,789 But your improvs were awesome. "Post-nasal dick," or whatever you said. 1083 00:47:55,998 --> 00:48:00,252 You know, I can't believe your balls produce that much stuff. 1084 00:48:00,711 --> 00:48:02,337 Dude, at least I got balls. 1085 00:48:02,630 --> 00:48:03,838 What's that supposed to mean? 1086 00:48:05,007 --> 00:48:08,176 Let me just crack open some happiness first, yeah. 1087 00:48:09,303 --> 00:48:10,887 All I'm saying is the Chad thing, 1088 00:48:10,972 --> 00:48:12,681 when that dude came at you last night, 1089 00:48:12,974 --> 00:48:14,975 you kind of, like, looked like a deer in headlights. 1090 00:48:15,393 --> 00:48:18,270 Your whole aura is actually that of a pussy. 1091 00:48:18,354 --> 00:48:19,563 Or a kiss-ass. 1092 00:48:19,647 --> 00:48:20,981 It is not. 1093 00:48:22,024 --> 00:48:23,066 It is, too. 1094 00:48:23,818 --> 00:48:25,277 What the fuck am I doing? 1095 00:48:25,361 --> 00:48:27,654 No, I'm just saying you got to stand up for yourself 1096 00:48:27,780 --> 00:48:29,990 every once in a while, buddy, or she's never gonna bang you. 1097 00:48:30,366 --> 00:48:32,951 I'll have you know, she bangs me all the time. 1098 00:48:33,160 --> 00:48:34,661 All right? She bangs. 1099 00:48:35,329 --> 00:48:37,789 Does she live the Ia vida Ioca, too, or... 1100 00:48:38,332 --> 00:48:39,374 Very funny. 1101 00:48:44,338 --> 00:48:45,380 Well, good day, everyone. 1102 00:48:45,464 --> 00:48:46,548 Father. 1103 00:48:46,632 --> 00:48:48,883 Father McNally, thank you so much for coming out to the Cape. 1104 00:48:49,093 --> 00:48:50,093 My honor. 1105 00:48:50,177 --> 00:48:51,219 Very cool. 1106 00:48:51,304 --> 00:48:52,304 Oh, yes. 1107 00:48:52,888 --> 00:48:54,014 Chad. 1108 00:48:54,974 --> 00:48:56,600 You'll excuse me, won't you? 1109 00:48:56,934 --> 00:48:59,227 While you're in this church, you'll show the proper respect. 1110 00:48:59,645 --> 00:49:01,646 No e-mailing, no texting, 1111 00:49:02,648 --> 00:49:06,276 no Facebooking, no Skyping and no Angry Birds. 1112 00:49:06,902 --> 00:49:08,236 That one hurts. 1113 00:49:08,988 --> 00:49:10,864 No, no. I get it. 1114 00:49:11,324 --> 00:49:12,866 It's the 201 0s. 1115 00:49:13,242 --> 00:49:15,201 Everyone's having sex and drinking lattes. 1116 00:49:15,411 --> 00:49:16,953 No, Father. 1117 00:49:17,747 --> 00:49:20,040 But, you see, this is my world. 1118 00:49:21,042 --> 00:49:23,043 We'll abide by my rules while we're here. 1119 00:49:24,378 --> 00:49:27,339 Maybe we should start with the father of the groom. 1120 00:49:30,217 --> 00:49:31,551 His father passed away. 1121 00:49:31,844 --> 00:49:33,511 He died in an explosion. 1122 00:49:34,388 --> 00:49:37,307 Sounds fishy, but it really happened. 1123 00:49:41,020 --> 00:49:42,771 I'm truly sorry to hear that, son. 1124 00:49:43,230 --> 00:49:45,231 Thank you, but it's fine. 1125 00:49:45,900 --> 00:49:46,900 He deserved it. 1126 00:49:47,234 --> 00:49:48,568 So... 1127 00:49:48,653 --> 00:49:50,070 What is that supposed to mean? 1128 00:49:50,404 --> 00:49:52,322 Oh, I didn't mean anything by it. 1129 00:49:52,406 --> 00:49:54,532 He just, you know, wasn't a great dad. 1130 00:50:04,377 --> 00:50:06,753 So your father, he abused you, did he? 1131 00:50:07,421 --> 00:50:08,755 No, nothing like that. 1132 00:50:09,131 --> 00:50:11,257 Was he a murderer? Rapist? 1133 00:50:12,885 --> 00:50:14,260 No. Father, I'm sorry, I... 1134 00:50:14,345 --> 00:50:18,264 My father beat me every day with a rake. 1135 00:50:19,934 --> 00:50:23,186 But you don't hear me smack-talking him like some baby little princess. 1136 00:50:23,270 --> 00:50:25,021 Not here in the house of the Lord. 1137 00:50:36,617 --> 00:50:39,160 You know, I can't hear a word you're saying. 1138 00:50:41,706 --> 00:50:44,374 All I can focus on is your shit breath. 1139 00:50:49,797 --> 00:50:52,882 I'd like to show you the garden for a minute. 1140 00:51:00,433 --> 00:51:01,474 Now, then. 1141 00:51:01,642 --> 00:51:02,892 Okay, you know what? Let's just... 1142 00:51:08,858 --> 00:51:09,899 Fucking old guy's got 1143 00:51:09,984 --> 00:51:11,276 -a cannon on him. -What happened? 1144 00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:13,361 What happened is I think he's having a mini-meltdown. 1145 00:51:13,779 --> 00:51:15,572 -Yeah, he's taking his shirt off now. -Oh, my God. 1146 00:51:15,656 --> 00:51:19,117 And he's pretty ripped for an old fuck, so we're in trouble right now. 1147 00:51:19,618 --> 00:51:20,827 What is going on here? 1148 00:51:20,953 --> 00:51:22,078 All right, all right. 1149 00:51:22,163 --> 00:51:23,204 Go time, go time. 1150 00:51:23,289 --> 00:51:24,330 No, think about what you're doing! 1151 00:51:24,457 --> 00:51:25,665 Be careful. 1152 00:51:26,125 --> 00:51:27,417 He bit me! 1153 00:51:27,668 --> 00:51:28,835 Did you see that? That was amazing! 1154 00:51:28,961 --> 00:51:29,961 This could get ugly. 1155 00:51:30,045 --> 00:51:32,172 The Father actually killed a guy in the ring. 1156 00:51:32,256 --> 00:51:33,548 That's why he became a priest. 1157 00:51:34,425 --> 00:51:35,759 Just keep your hands up, kid! 1158 00:51:35,843 --> 00:51:36,843 Get 'em down! 1159 00:51:36,927 --> 00:51:38,386 Hang in there, guy! 1160 00:51:39,180 --> 00:51:40,513 He keeps punching him! 1161 00:51:42,725 --> 00:51:43,892 Come on, guy. 1162 00:51:45,811 --> 00:51:46,853 That's my boy! 1163 00:51:46,937 --> 00:51:49,856 Why, you came right back with your own shit. Nice, kid. 1164 00:51:53,652 --> 00:51:54,652 What the fuck is that? 1165 00:51:54,737 --> 00:51:56,780 Okay, he's going to a whole other place right now. 1166 00:52:00,159 --> 00:52:01,284 You know what? Maybe just run. 1167 00:52:01,368 --> 00:52:03,495 Get the fuck out of here. Go, go, go, go, go. 1168 00:52:04,246 --> 00:52:05,288 No. 1169 00:52:06,081 --> 00:52:07,165 I'm not gonna run. 1170 00:52:07,291 --> 00:52:08,708 Finish him, Father McNally! 1171 00:52:08,793 --> 00:52:10,168 Finish him! 1172 00:52:23,724 --> 00:52:26,851 Geez. He went down like a sack of potatoes, huh? 1173 00:52:30,397 --> 00:52:32,065 What is the matter with you? 1174 00:52:32,233 --> 00:52:34,567 You know, we've known Father McNally for 30 years. 1175 00:52:34,652 --> 00:52:36,152 -Thirty years! Thirty years. -Thirty years. 1176 00:52:36,487 --> 00:52:37,570 I ought to rip off your head! 1177 00:52:39,114 --> 00:52:40,114 Gerald! 1178 00:52:40,199 --> 00:52:41,407 I'm sorry. 1179 00:52:41,492 --> 00:52:44,118 Sorry's not gonna keep you from burning in hell, Todd. 1180 00:52:44,411 --> 00:52:45,954 Hey, this is all my fault. 1181 00:52:46,038 --> 00:52:47,831 I shouldn't have hit the guy with the bottle. 1182 00:52:47,915 --> 00:52:49,290 I'm, like, a moron over here. 1183 00:52:49,500 --> 00:52:51,501 No, now, Donny, I will not let you take the blame for this. 1184 00:52:51,585 --> 00:52:53,753 You had to do it. You saved his life again. 1185 00:52:54,213 --> 00:52:56,089 And you looked very sexy doing it. 1186 00:52:57,883 --> 00:53:00,260 Why was the sound of that bottle so familiar? 1187 00:53:00,427 --> 00:53:02,262 Todd is such a loser. 1188 00:53:02,763 --> 00:53:03,972 Here comes your girl. Here we go. 1189 00:53:04,723 --> 00:53:05,849 Jame, I'm sorry, but, look, 1190 00:53:05,933 --> 00:53:07,433 you got to admit, I stood up for myself back there. 1191 00:53:07,643 --> 00:53:09,769 Do you have fucking rocks in your head, Todd? 1192 00:53:10,271 --> 00:53:11,271 No. 1193 00:53:11,355 --> 00:53:12,355 Well, where are we gonna get married now? 1194 00:53:12,439 --> 00:53:13,773 We got kicked out of the church! 1195 00:53:13,858 --> 00:53:15,066 Jame... 1196 00:53:15,442 --> 00:53:16,568 What is everybody's problem? 1197 00:53:16,652 --> 00:53:18,403 You were awesome out there. You kicked ass. 1198 00:53:18,487 --> 00:53:20,280 -You should be proud of yourself. -Proud of myself? 1199 00:53:20,698 --> 00:53:21,865 For what? 1200 00:53:21,949 --> 00:53:24,409 I got my ass kicked, and everyone's pissed off at me. 1201 00:53:24,493 --> 00:53:26,911 And, by the way, thanks for the fatherly advice, guy. 1202 00:53:27,538 --> 00:53:29,289 That's the last time I listen to you. 1203 00:53:34,003 --> 00:53:35,086 -I'm gonna choke him out! -He's an asshole! 1204 00:53:35,212 --> 00:53:36,504 I'm gonna choke him out. 1205 00:53:36,589 --> 00:53:38,089 I'm just gonna choke him out. 1206 00:53:38,299 --> 00:53:39,465 Hey, guys, guys? 1207 00:53:39,550 --> 00:53:42,302 Can I just say something before we all turn on Todd? 1208 00:53:43,262 --> 00:53:45,054 Churches freak the kid out, 1209 00:53:45,139 --> 00:53:47,015 ever since his father's funeral. 1210 00:53:47,349 --> 00:53:48,808 After the explosion, 1211 00:53:49,393 --> 00:53:55,690 all that was left of his dad was, like, a kneecap and a little bit of nut sack. 1212 00:53:57,443 --> 00:53:59,694 It was supposed to be a closed casket, 1213 00:53:59,778 --> 00:54:01,946 but there was a foul-up at the mortuary, 1214 00:54:02,031 --> 00:54:04,032 and he actually saw a squirrel 1215 00:54:04,116 --> 00:54:07,201 run into the coffin and kind of 1216 00:54:08,078 --> 00:54:10,455 squeak out of there with his dad's ball bag in his mouth. 1217 00:54:10,539 --> 00:54:12,624 You know, that's gonna fuck any of us up, so... 1218 00:54:13,584 --> 00:54:15,209 So you actually knew Todd's father? 1219 00:54:15,586 --> 00:54:17,086 Of course I knew the guy. 1220 00:54:17,171 --> 00:54:19,005 He was handsome, he had fucking great hair, 1221 00:54:19,423 --> 00:54:21,174 a Jedi with the chicks. 1222 00:54:21,884 --> 00:54:24,844 Went down on girls for a wicked long time 'cause he was a giver 1223 00:54:24,929 --> 00:54:26,471 and he wanted to see others be happy. 1224 00:54:27,097 --> 00:54:28,765 I wish I could have met him. 1225 00:54:30,184 --> 00:54:31,351 Sounds like a gentleman. 1226 00:54:32,728 --> 00:54:34,437 Was he there enough for the kid? 1227 00:54:34,521 --> 00:54:35,813 No, maybe not. But, 1228 00:54:36,065 --> 00:54:38,524 you know, he probably felt bad about it. 1229 00:54:38,901 --> 00:54:41,819 You know, and there's nothing he can do about it now, so... 1230 00:54:42,863 --> 00:54:43,988 Toddsy. 1231 00:54:44,740 --> 00:54:46,115 Oh, Todd. 1232 00:54:46,200 --> 00:54:47,659 I had no idea. 1233 00:54:48,202 --> 00:54:49,327 Poor thing. Are you okay? 1234 00:54:49,411 --> 00:54:50,411 Yeah, yeah. 1235 00:54:50,704 --> 00:54:51,704 It's fine, but 1236 00:54:52,206 --> 00:54:54,082 sometimes I do still have nightmares. 1237 00:54:54,208 --> 00:54:55,208 Oh, boy. 1238 00:54:55,376 --> 00:54:57,961 That squirrel and its demonic eyes. 1239 00:54:58,963 --> 00:55:01,339 Tiny piece of skin flapping in its mouth. 1240 00:55:02,383 --> 00:55:04,258 One lone scraggly hair. 1241 00:55:05,219 --> 00:55:06,719 A pubic hair. 1242 00:55:07,137 --> 00:55:09,222 I mean, maybe this is a blessing, though, guys. 1243 00:55:09,306 --> 00:55:11,307 Do we really want Father McNutty to be the one 1244 00:55:11,392 --> 00:55:13,434 who brings these two guys together? 1245 00:55:13,519 --> 00:55:14,769 I mean, I don't think so. 1246 00:55:15,104 --> 00:55:17,271 I'm pretty tied into the church crowd, 1247 00:55:17,356 --> 00:55:19,190 Rageaholics Anonymous and whatnot. 1248 00:55:19,274 --> 00:55:20,650 I could find a priest for you. 1249 00:55:20,734 --> 00:55:22,026 I mean, what type are we looking for? 1250 00:55:22,194 --> 00:55:23,403 Maybe a younger guy. 1251 00:55:23,487 --> 00:55:24,487 Younger guy. 1252 00:55:24,571 --> 00:55:25,655 How about a black guy? 1253 00:55:25,864 --> 00:55:27,323 Now, I like that. 1254 00:55:27,408 --> 00:55:29,283 It's very urban, very street. 1255 00:55:29,618 --> 00:55:30,618 Okay. 1256 00:55:30,786 --> 00:55:32,829 But that still doesn't get us a church. 1257 00:55:33,122 --> 00:55:36,833 Well, I'll tell you where I would tie the knot if I was these two sexy kids. 1258 00:55:43,048 --> 00:55:44,882 Donny, this is just such a great idea. 1259 00:55:44,967 --> 00:55:46,384 -Thanks. -Don't you love the pergola? 1260 00:55:46,468 --> 00:55:47,677 They're gorgeous! 1261 00:55:47,761 --> 00:55:50,596 You know what, maybe a little more girly shit up on the arch. 1262 00:55:50,723 --> 00:55:51,806 You know, you're right. 1263 00:55:51,890 --> 00:55:54,851 Excuse me, sir, put some more girly shit up there. 1264 00:55:54,935 --> 00:55:56,185 Calling all ladies! 1265 00:55:56,270 --> 00:55:58,229 The bus for the bachelorette party is here! Come on! 1266 00:55:58,939 --> 00:56:01,274 Honey, you guys have fun at the bachelor party! 1267 00:56:01,483 --> 00:56:02,525 Okay. 1268 00:56:02,609 --> 00:56:04,318 Don't get too crazy. Know your limits. 1269 00:56:05,112 --> 00:56:07,238 -Okay. -We're having a bachelor party? 1270 00:56:07,448 --> 00:56:08,573 That's, like, my thing, man. 1271 00:56:09,074 --> 00:56:11,701 Hookers, blow, balloons filled with piss. 1272 00:56:11,785 --> 00:56:13,786 I mean, the sky's the limit, kid. 1273 00:56:14,121 --> 00:56:15,872 No, no, no. Donny, we're all set. 1274 00:56:15,956 --> 00:56:18,791 I have arranged a very special evening for us tonight. 1275 00:56:19,668 --> 00:56:21,711 This is gonna be awesome! 1276 00:56:22,629 --> 00:56:24,881 I read about this place in Oprah's magazine. 1277 00:56:24,965 --> 00:56:29,093 I don't know if she writes the articles herself, but there's some real good stuff in it. 1278 00:56:29,178 --> 00:56:31,637 Hi, we're for the Todd Peterson party, please. 1279 00:56:31,930 --> 00:56:33,014 Good evening, gentlemen. 1280 00:56:33,265 --> 00:56:34,807 Mrs. Ravensdale. 1281 00:56:34,892 --> 00:56:36,309 Phil, what a blessing. 1282 00:56:36,935 --> 00:56:41,147 Welcome to your bachelor party package here at He Time Spa For Men. 1283 00:56:41,356 --> 00:56:43,024 Woo-hoo, motherfucker! 1284 00:56:43,108 --> 00:56:45,234 Okay. All right. 1285 00:56:45,319 --> 00:56:47,528 We're gonna set you up with some nice plush robes, 1286 00:56:47,613 --> 00:56:49,655 and then we have a wonderful full evening planned 1287 00:56:49,740 --> 00:56:51,949 with massage, facial and nail treatments, 1288 00:56:52,409 --> 00:56:54,577 and then we're going to send you home 1289 00:56:54,661 --> 00:56:59,415 with a special gift of our house-made lavender scrub. 1290 00:57:00,667 --> 00:57:03,169 Confucius say, "What the fuck are you talking about?" 1291 00:57:03,879 --> 00:57:04,962 No, Donny, 1292 00:57:05,506 --> 00:57:07,465 Phil thought it would be nice before the wedding 1293 00:57:07,549 --> 00:57:10,093 for us to all take a little time to just chill and mellow. 1294 00:57:10,385 --> 00:57:13,221 My wife and I have been burning it on both ends all week 1295 00:57:13,305 --> 00:57:14,764 with the preschool applications, 1296 00:57:14,848 --> 00:57:16,599 and I am ready to be pampered! 1297 00:57:19,144 --> 00:57:21,479 All right, all right. Now we're talking. 1298 00:57:21,563 --> 00:57:23,439 Hey, thanks, honey. What the fuck's your name? 1299 00:57:23,524 --> 00:57:24,941 -Jessica. All right. -Yeah. 1300 00:57:25,025 --> 00:57:26,275 Hey, come on. Here's to the kid. 1301 00:57:26,360 --> 00:57:29,320 He's fucking getting all fucked up tonight! 1302 00:57:29,404 --> 00:57:30,446 Last night! 1303 00:57:30,531 --> 00:57:32,865 Fucking last night of poontang for this kid. 1304 00:57:37,663 --> 00:57:39,163 What the fuck is this? 1305 00:57:40,666 --> 00:57:43,876 It's water infused with cucumber, rose petal and harvest sandalwood. 1306 00:57:44,711 --> 00:57:47,672 It tastes like fucking dick infused with balls. 1307 00:57:49,216 --> 00:57:51,467 And a side of fucking Rod Stewart's jizz. 1308 00:57:53,053 --> 00:57:57,098 Wait a minute. What are we drinking water at a fucking bachelor party for, Phil? 1309 00:57:57,808 --> 00:57:59,767 You got to show my son your tits later. 1310 00:57:59,852 --> 00:58:02,228 Promise me. Promise me. 1311 00:58:05,149 --> 00:58:07,108 That's nice. Yeah, good. 1312 00:58:07,568 --> 00:58:08,943 This is great, sweetheart. 1313 00:58:09,570 --> 00:58:10,653 Really good. 1314 00:58:10,737 --> 00:58:12,405 Nice work. You're going deep on us, huh? 1315 00:58:13,198 --> 00:58:15,116 That's it. 1316 00:58:15,868 --> 00:58:16,909 What's this, sir? 1317 00:58:16,994 --> 00:58:21,330 That's just a little tip, you know, if you give me a full package. 1318 00:58:21,748 --> 00:58:24,458 Okay. That's a $1 50 additional charge. 1319 00:58:25,294 --> 00:58:26,627 You're talking to the wrong guy. 1320 00:58:26,712 --> 00:58:27,837 That's a little out of my price range. 1321 00:58:27,921 --> 00:58:30,715 It includes scalp treatment, reflexology. 1322 00:58:30,799 --> 00:58:32,675 How much is it to tickle my pickle? 1323 00:58:33,218 --> 00:58:36,262 To yank my crank? To give me a ho-jo to go? 1324 00:58:37,264 --> 00:58:39,432 Sweetheart, I'm not asking for a finger up the ass. 1325 00:58:39,516 --> 00:58:41,767 I just want you to just jerk it a little bit. 1326 00:58:42,269 --> 00:58:44,645 Donny, this isn't a brothel. 1327 00:58:45,480 --> 00:58:49,025 Then I'm completely confused what the fuck we're doing here right now! 1328 00:58:49,276 --> 00:58:51,527 So, what, you're just going to get a hand job in front of all of us? 1329 00:58:52,154 --> 00:58:53,237 I don't know. Am I? 1330 00:58:55,199 --> 00:58:56,616 I guess not! 1331 00:58:57,117 --> 00:59:00,119 You know, I have worked very hard on this night, Don, 1332 00:59:00,621 --> 00:59:02,371 and you're being just plain rude. 1333 00:59:02,789 --> 00:59:04,874 -Phil, no! Phil! -No, no. Don't do this. 1334 00:59:07,669 --> 00:59:10,004 Nice. That's nice. 1335 00:59:10,422 --> 00:59:13,466 That's good. That's good. 1336 00:59:14,468 --> 00:59:15,676 It tickles. 1337 00:59:15,761 --> 00:59:17,511 Just fight through it, man. It's worth it. 1338 00:59:17,596 --> 00:59:20,223 If you stop, I swear I will kill you. 1339 00:59:26,063 --> 00:59:27,939 You know what, if I don't see a tit in five minutes, 1340 00:59:28,023 --> 00:59:29,315 I'm going to strangle this motherfucker. 1341 00:59:29,775 --> 00:59:33,319 You should be ashamed of yourself for fucking arranging this bullshit! 1342 00:59:33,820 --> 00:59:35,363 Well, I feel very relaxed, 1343 00:59:35,447 --> 00:59:37,698 and I think this was a good use of a Groupon. 1344 00:59:37,991 --> 00:59:39,533 You fucked us, buddy! 1345 00:59:40,202 --> 00:59:42,745 Five more minutes till you get to choose amongst four 1346 00:59:42,829 --> 00:59:45,164 artisanal house-blended chocolates, gentlemen. 1347 00:59:47,125 --> 00:59:48,626 We can't let tonight end like this, boys. 1348 00:59:48,710 --> 00:59:49,794 We got to go out. 1349 00:59:49,878 --> 00:59:52,004 I'm telling you, I can't let my son have a... 1350 00:59:52,172 --> 00:59:55,800 My son of a gun best friend have his bachelor party be this. 1351 00:59:56,134 --> 00:59:58,970 You fucking... You guys got your face covered in leprechaun shit. 1352 00:59:59,680 --> 01:00:01,264 We should be getting whacked off, 1353 01:00:01,348 --> 01:00:03,349 all of us, as a fucking team! 1354 01:00:04,184 --> 01:00:07,186 Donny, I think we've had enough excitement for one night. 1355 01:00:07,604 --> 01:00:10,481 Besides, it's not like you can throw together a whole other party this late. 1356 01:00:10,565 --> 01:00:14,568 I could have six chicks making out with each other on our laps in 1 0 minutes. 1357 01:00:15,404 --> 01:00:16,821 I could stay out a little later. 1358 01:00:17,447 --> 01:00:18,447 Bam! 1359 01:00:18,907 --> 01:00:21,575 We gonna get our dicks sucked. 1360 01:00:22,494 --> 01:00:23,536 There it is. 1361 01:00:23,662 --> 01:00:26,122 Unless, Mrs. Ravensdale, you want to whip them knockers out? 1362 01:00:26,206 --> 01:00:27,248 We'd love to see them. 1363 01:00:27,374 --> 01:00:28,416 All right, you know what? 1364 01:00:28,500 --> 01:00:31,502 You are an imbecilic, immature, asinine, childish, 1365 01:00:31,586 --> 01:00:34,130 caveman-like, hairy-knuckled, single-chromosomal, 1366 01:00:34,214 --> 01:00:36,674 obnoxious, uneducated, ignorant asshole 1367 01:00:36,758 --> 01:00:39,552 who I would like to fuck hard and long! 1368 01:00:40,929 --> 01:00:42,305 So, I'm going to go put a dent in that. 1369 01:00:42,389 --> 01:00:43,973 You guys get that green jizz off your face. 1370 01:00:44,057 --> 01:00:45,141 I'll be back in 20. 1371 01:00:45,517 --> 01:00:46,600 We're going out, boys! 1372 01:00:47,185 --> 01:00:48,853 Hey, this is the shit, this place, I'm telling you. 1373 01:00:48,937 --> 01:00:51,272 The hottest chicks, the best Denver omelets. 1374 01:00:51,356 --> 01:00:52,481 -You have to eat one. -All right. 1375 01:00:52,566 --> 01:00:54,567 -Donny! -Yeah, this is who I was telling you about! 1376 01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:56,152 -What's up? Give me that. -I'm so happy to see you. 1377 01:00:56,236 --> 01:00:58,070 -You look so fucking cute! -I know, right? 1378 01:00:58,905 --> 01:01:02,074 And you brought a military man. 1379 01:01:02,159 --> 01:01:03,743 What's your name, soldier? 1380 01:01:03,910 --> 01:01:06,412 Chad Martin, private first class, United States Marine Corps. 1381 01:01:06,747 --> 01:01:09,874 You think you can keep that dick at attention for a couple hours? 1382 01:01:09,958 --> 01:01:11,083 That's an order! 1383 01:01:12,210 --> 01:01:13,294 Already on it. 1384 01:01:14,129 --> 01:01:15,254 Look at my man! 1385 01:01:15,339 --> 01:01:17,631 You guys, let me get in here and introduce myself. 1386 01:01:17,716 --> 01:01:19,842 Hello. I'm Phil. I'm married with four children, 1387 01:01:19,926 --> 01:01:22,845 and I have actually only seen three vaginas in my entire life: 1388 01:01:22,929 --> 01:01:24,138 my wife's, my baby's 1389 01:01:24,222 --> 01:01:27,350 and my aunt's once by accident on the back of a tandem bike. 1390 01:01:27,809 --> 01:01:29,935 Well, here's number four, baby! 1391 01:01:30,896 --> 01:01:33,439 I'm going to count that as numbers four and five. 1392 01:01:54,544 --> 01:01:56,712 ChampaIe wouId Iike to dedicate this 1393 01:01:56,797 --> 01:01:58,964 to Mr. Todd Peterson. 1394 01:02:00,717 --> 01:02:02,259 -Yeah, baby. Yeah. -Here you go. 1395 01:02:03,720 --> 01:02:04,762 Oh, hey. 1396 01:02:04,846 --> 01:02:05,930 Do you want any eggs? 1397 01:02:06,014 --> 01:02:08,307 No. I really have to watch what I eat. 1398 01:02:08,392 --> 01:02:10,017 No fatty foods. But thank you. 1399 01:02:10,268 --> 01:02:11,477 I'm Brie. 1400 01:02:11,561 --> 01:02:12,937 I'm Todd. Nice to meet you. 1401 01:02:13,021 --> 01:02:15,898 I know who you are, Han Solo. 1402 01:02:17,275 --> 01:02:18,484 No, you can't... 1403 01:02:18,568 --> 01:02:20,319 Don't worry, your secret's safe. 1404 01:02:52,269 --> 01:02:53,352 Who did that? 1405 01:03:26,094 --> 01:03:27,887 -Gerald, get in the car. -I love you, Donny! 1406 01:03:27,971 --> 01:03:29,013 Yeah, I love you. Get in there. 1407 01:03:29,097 --> 01:03:30,514 Man, you got to give me the recipe, man. 1408 01:03:30,599 --> 01:03:32,141 Can't buy everything, Spirou! 1409 01:03:32,225 --> 01:03:33,809 Bro, but they use olive oil, not butter. 1410 01:03:33,894 --> 01:03:34,935 That's the big secret. 1411 01:03:35,020 --> 01:03:36,312 Okay, Chris, get him in there. 1412 01:03:36,396 --> 01:03:38,689 Be gentle, he's protecting our country. 1413 01:03:38,773 --> 01:03:39,857 All right, good night, guys! 1414 01:03:41,693 --> 01:03:43,986 Gerald, you're a sick man, buddy! 1415 01:03:44,154 --> 01:03:45,404 Whoa. 1416 01:03:45,530 --> 01:03:47,615 Hey, what... Where's everybody going? 1417 01:03:47,699 --> 01:03:49,241 I sent them home, guy. 1418 01:03:49,326 --> 01:03:51,410 I thought we could have a little 1419 01:03:51,495 --> 01:03:54,205 best man/groom alone time. 1420 01:03:54,664 --> 01:03:55,956 But shouldn't I go with them? 1421 01:03:56,041 --> 01:03:57,875 'Cause Jamie's gonna get mad at me. 1422 01:03:58,251 --> 01:03:59,376 Easy, guy. 1423 01:03:59,461 --> 01:04:03,589 You're gonna have plenty of time for her to be mad at you when you're married. 1424 01:04:05,175 --> 01:04:08,135 I got you a wedding gift, and I want to give it to you alone, all right? 1425 01:04:08,220 --> 01:04:09,261 You got me a gift? 1426 01:04:09,387 --> 01:04:10,638 Of course I got you. 1427 01:04:10,722 --> 01:04:13,224 And I think you might dig it. 1428 01:04:18,313 --> 01:04:19,355 An earring. 1429 01:04:19,814 --> 01:04:24,193 Yeah, I know, but that's an earring that your mom gave me, 1430 01:04:24,277 --> 01:04:26,695 and I thought maybe we could keep it in the family, you know? 1431 01:04:26,780 --> 01:04:30,032 Just kind of keep it going, generation to generation, actually. 1432 01:04:32,035 --> 01:04:34,286 Yeah, but I don't have a pierced ear, Donny. 1433 01:04:35,121 --> 01:04:36,330 Yeah. 1434 01:04:37,624 --> 01:04:38,707 No. 1435 01:04:39,334 --> 01:04:40,543 Yeah. 1436 01:04:43,588 --> 01:04:44,755 All right, fuck it, fuck it. 1437 01:04:44,839 --> 01:04:46,048 Do it, just do it. 1438 01:04:46,675 --> 01:04:47,716 It's not gonna hurt, buddy. 1439 01:04:47,801 --> 01:04:49,051 You got a nice buzz going. 1440 01:04:49,135 --> 01:04:50,386 Yeah, I got it, I got it. 1441 01:04:50,470 --> 01:04:51,720 Hang on. 1442 01:04:52,013 --> 01:04:53,264 Yeah. 1443 01:04:53,348 --> 01:04:54,348 Liquor it up. 1444 01:04:54,432 --> 01:04:55,724 Fuck! 1445 01:04:55,809 --> 01:04:57,142 Come here. Come here. 1446 01:04:58,395 --> 01:05:00,229 Hang in there! Go ahead, just sit still, homie. 1447 01:05:02,482 --> 01:05:03,691 Yeah! 1448 01:05:05,527 --> 01:05:06,819 How we doing? 1449 01:05:07,195 --> 01:05:08,195 Oh, God. 1450 01:05:08,280 --> 01:05:10,155 That's it. That's the way to man up. 1451 01:05:10,699 --> 01:05:12,449 -That wasn't so bad. -Let me see it. 1452 01:05:13,034 --> 01:05:14,660 Am I bleeding? 1453 01:05:16,621 --> 01:05:17,871 -I don't think so. -No? 1454 01:05:18,331 --> 01:05:19,582 Does it look good? 1455 01:05:19,666 --> 01:05:22,418 You look like you could be playing drums for Foreigner or some shit. 1456 01:05:22,502 --> 01:05:23,586 You look like a bad-ass. 1457 01:05:23,878 --> 01:05:25,421 -Really? -Yeah. 1458 01:05:25,630 --> 01:05:27,923 'Cause it makes me feel kind of... 1459 01:05:28,883 --> 01:05:30,134 Dangerous. 1460 01:05:32,345 --> 01:05:33,554 There he is, man! 1461 01:05:33,638 --> 01:05:36,348 That's your personality, like when you were seven years old, 1462 01:05:36,474 --> 01:05:39,685 me and Uncle Vanny used to laugh our asses off from you. 1463 01:05:40,353 --> 01:05:42,146 Uncle Vanny, that's right. 1464 01:05:42,689 --> 01:05:43,939 What happened to that guy? 1465 01:05:44,608 --> 01:05:46,525 Dude, you know what it's time for? 1466 01:05:46,943 --> 01:05:49,737 To get you back together with the old gang. 1467 01:05:51,031 --> 01:05:52,281 Come on. 1468 01:05:52,365 --> 01:05:54,366 I just hope the guy will talk to me. 1469 01:05:54,826 --> 01:05:55,909 Phil! 1470 01:05:55,994 --> 01:05:58,203 Come on, you're gonna get arrested, buddy. 1471 01:05:58,913 --> 01:06:00,956 I shouldn't be doing this. 1472 01:06:01,833 --> 01:06:03,584 No, don't stop, don't stop. 1473 01:06:16,139 --> 01:06:18,891 All right, look. I came here to tell you I'm sorry 1474 01:06:18,975 --> 01:06:21,393 about what happened with me and your mother. 1475 01:06:21,936 --> 01:06:24,772 It was an accident, and it will never happen again. 1476 01:06:26,650 --> 01:06:29,443 That's all I've been waiting for all these years, man, a simple apology. 1477 01:06:29,527 --> 01:06:30,694 It's water under the bridge. 1478 01:06:30,779 --> 01:06:32,154 Don't sweat it. Holla. 1479 01:06:33,490 --> 01:06:35,407 Wait, are you Vanilla Ice? 1480 01:06:36,576 --> 01:06:38,869 Was Uncle Vanny Vanilla Ice this whole time? 1481 01:06:39,079 --> 01:06:40,162 Who did you think I was? 1482 01:06:40,246 --> 01:06:43,582 I don't know, a friend of my dad's that wore a lot of parachute pants? 1483 01:06:44,417 --> 01:06:45,501 Man. 1484 01:06:45,585 --> 01:06:47,169 I want to be honest with you, too. 1485 01:06:47,504 --> 01:06:50,005 I never did knock boots with your mother. 1486 01:06:50,423 --> 01:06:51,507 -No? -No. 1487 01:06:51,591 --> 01:06:53,175 I think she whacked me off outside the pants. 1488 01:06:53,802 --> 01:06:55,386 -No. -But I didn't finish. 1489 01:06:55,470 --> 01:06:57,179 -Vanny, I didn't finish. I couldn't. -Yeah? 1490 01:06:57,430 --> 01:06:59,139 -Mom. -Yeah. 1491 01:06:59,224 --> 01:07:00,474 You know, she did like to fuck. 1492 01:07:00,934 --> 01:07:02,017 That's fucking... Look at him. 1493 01:07:02,102 --> 01:07:03,769 Back to it. Fuck, yeah. 1494 01:07:04,020 --> 01:07:05,479 Hey, Han Solo, you're looking great, man. 1495 01:07:05,563 --> 01:07:06,563 Thank you. 1496 01:07:06,648 --> 01:07:07,940 -You lost some weight. -Is this kid all right? 1497 01:07:08,024 --> 01:07:09,817 -You're not a little fat kid no more. -No, no, no. 1498 01:07:09,901 --> 01:07:11,026 -Remember this one? -No, no. 1499 01:07:11,111 --> 01:07:12,653 Yeah, we used to do this to you all the time. 1500 01:07:12,737 --> 01:07:14,446 -Remember, back in the day? -Hey, nugget pocket. 1501 01:07:14,531 --> 01:07:16,323 -Nugget pockets. -No, I'm not a nugget pocket. 1502 01:07:16,408 --> 01:07:18,283 -What's up, nugget pocket? -No. 1503 01:07:18,785 --> 01:07:20,077 No, but seriously, Iceberg, 1504 01:07:20,161 --> 01:07:21,870 me and my boy got a little head start on you, 1505 01:07:21,955 --> 01:07:24,581 but you got any desire to get wasted with us? 1506 01:07:24,666 --> 01:07:26,417 More than life itself. 1507 01:07:26,501 --> 01:07:28,961 In fact, I might have a little head start on you guys. 1508 01:07:29,963 --> 01:07:31,463 What? 1509 01:07:32,507 --> 01:07:34,049 -Yeah. -It's so illegal. 1510 01:07:34,384 --> 01:07:36,176 I don't want to do that in front of my kid. 1511 01:07:36,261 --> 01:07:38,137 Turn around for a minute. Just turn around. 1512 01:07:38,388 --> 01:07:39,847 Give me that fucking shit. 1513 01:07:41,266 --> 01:07:42,599 What? 1514 01:07:43,810 --> 01:07:45,519 Hey, let's get out of here. 1515 01:07:45,603 --> 01:07:46,729 I did not do that. 1516 01:07:46,813 --> 01:07:48,731 -Let's go have some fun. -Hey! 1517 01:07:49,107 --> 01:07:51,150 Hey, where you think you're going, Mr. Vanilla Ice Cream? 1518 01:07:51,484 --> 01:07:52,735 I'm going out for the night, man. 1519 01:07:52,819 --> 01:07:55,738 Hell no, man! You know I don't know how to fry no damn chicken nuggets! 1520 01:07:55,822 --> 01:07:56,864 It's Todd Bridges. 1521 01:07:56,948 --> 01:07:58,449 Yeah, yeah, watch this. 1522 01:07:58,533 --> 01:08:00,033 What you talking 'bout, Willis? 1523 01:08:00,201 --> 01:08:01,577 You come back and say that to my face, 1524 01:08:01,661 --> 01:08:03,328 you fake white rapping motherfucker! 1525 01:08:03,538 --> 01:08:04,830 Todd, seriously, though, you look great. 1526 01:08:04,914 --> 01:08:06,582 How's Mr. Drummond doing, huh? 1527 01:08:07,542 --> 01:08:09,084 Mister... Fuck you! 1528 01:08:09,169 --> 01:08:10,544 "Mr. Drummond. Mister..." 1529 01:08:11,337 --> 01:08:13,130 Man, I... What you want? 1530 01:08:13,214 --> 01:08:14,298 Bowl of chili nuggets. 1531 01:08:14,382 --> 01:08:15,382 A what? 1532 01:08:15,467 --> 01:08:17,509 You know, that shit ain't on the menu, man! 1533 01:08:19,095 --> 01:08:20,763 Shit, it is. Damn it. 1534 01:08:21,514 --> 01:08:23,891 Fucking skate! Just fucking skate! 1535 01:08:24,517 --> 01:08:25,934 The Berger boys are here! 1536 01:08:26,019 --> 01:08:27,686 Come on, look out! Look out, now! 1537 01:08:27,771 --> 01:08:28,937 What the fuck? 1538 01:08:32,567 --> 01:08:35,194 Hey! Give me my hat back! 1539 01:08:37,197 --> 01:08:38,989 -Do it, do it! -Give it back! 1540 01:08:41,367 --> 01:08:43,869 Hey, it's a fucking lovely night, ain't it? 1541 01:08:43,953 --> 01:08:45,078 Oh, my God! 1542 01:08:47,332 --> 01:08:49,166 You fucking assholes! 1543 01:08:55,548 --> 01:08:56,715 Go, go! 1544 01:09:00,470 --> 01:09:01,553 What the... Go! 1545 01:09:02,222 --> 01:09:03,347 Go, go, go! 1546 01:09:03,431 --> 01:09:05,057 What the fuck? Get out of here! 1547 01:09:05,809 --> 01:09:06,892 Holy shit! 1548 01:09:09,479 --> 01:09:12,731 You know, they seem like fun guys. 1549 01:09:14,317 --> 01:09:15,818 We're all gonna dive! Let's go! 1550 01:09:16,986 --> 01:09:18,070 What are you doing? 1551 01:09:26,579 --> 01:09:27,871 Oh, my God! 1552 01:09:27,956 --> 01:09:30,082 I didn't... I didn't spill my beer! 1553 01:09:30,166 --> 01:09:31,500 I fucking love it. 1554 01:09:32,919 --> 01:09:34,628 -Fuck! -You fucking hard-ons! 1555 01:09:49,686 --> 01:09:51,311 "You fucking hard-ons." 1556 01:09:58,736 --> 01:09:59,903 Fucking... 1557 01:10:00,613 --> 01:10:03,156 -What are you doing? -No, no, no, no! 1558 01:10:05,952 --> 01:10:08,954 -You don't fucking do that, you fucking idiot! -Yeah! 1559 01:10:09,998 --> 01:10:11,832 Look at this, fuck face. Look at this. 1560 01:10:12,625 --> 01:10:14,209 What the fuck? 1561 01:10:14,794 --> 01:10:15,794 Come on. 1562 01:10:15,879 --> 01:10:17,796 -You fucking guy. I say, take it. -I can't. 1563 01:10:17,881 --> 01:10:18,881 -Just go, go, go, go, go. -No, wait, wait. 1564 01:10:18,965 --> 01:10:20,215 Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop. 1565 01:10:20,300 --> 01:10:22,593 I changed my mind. I'm scared. I don't want to do it. 1566 01:10:22,677 --> 01:10:24,052 -Oh, man. -I can't do it. 1567 01:10:24,470 --> 01:10:25,929 You're rubbing your underwear. 1568 01:10:26,264 --> 01:10:28,056 What is that? Why are you doing that? 1569 01:10:28,266 --> 01:10:30,017 I suppose I'm the reason. 1570 01:10:30,310 --> 01:10:32,686 Yeah. Yeah. Remember in first grade 1571 01:10:32,770 --> 01:10:34,271 when you were supposed to pick me up after school, 1572 01:10:34,355 --> 01:10:35,814 you left me waiting for five hours? 1573 01:10:35,899 --> 01:10:38,358 I had detention myself, guy. 1574 01:10:38,443 --> 01:10:39,985 What the fuck was I supposed to do? 1575 01:10:40,278 --> 01:10:42,738 -Yeah, well, I shit in my pants. -All right. 1576 01:10:42,822 --> 01:10:45,407 -Then I had to walk all the way home alone. -All right. 1577 01:10:45,491 --> 01:10:46,617 With shit in my pants. 1578 01:10:46,743 --> 01:10:49,661 Dude, I promise you, I'll never forget you again. 1579 01:10:49,787 --> 01:10:51,121 I swear to God. 1580 01:10:51,205 --> 01:10:52,289 Throw the fucking things away. 1581 01:10:52,373 --> 01:10:54,374 -Don't fuck with me. -Throw them away. 1582 01:10:55,376 --> 01:10:58,670 Throw them away. Throw them away. 1583 01:10:58,755 --> 01:11:00,631 Get rid of the fucking underwear, you don't need that. 1584 01:11:00,715 --> 01:11:02,007 You're better than that, guy. 1585 01:11:02,467 --> 01:11:03,967 Okay, fuck it. Okay, fuck it. 1586 01:11:04,344 --> 01:11:06,094 Squeeze it out and fucking... Yeah. 1587 01:11:09,641 --> 01:11:10,766 You're a good kid. 1588 01:11:10,850 --> 01:11:13,602 Come on, fucking hit this thing and let's get it rocking. 1589 01:11:14,103 --> 01:11:15,395 -All right. All right? -Here we go. 1590 01:11:15,480 --> 01:11:17,064 -Come on. Push, push. I got you. -Okay. 1591 01:11:17,148 --> 01:11:18,774 -I'm not good at it. -All right. 1592 01:11:18,858 --> 01:11:20,108 It's balance, it's just balance. 1593 01:11:20,193 --> 01:11:21,735 You got this, kid. You're an athlete. 1594 01:11:21,819 --> 01:11:23,737 You got it. No, it's in you, buddy. 1595 01:11:23,821 --> 01:11:24,821 -Straight. -I don't know how. 1596 01:11:24,906 --> 01:11:26,073 I got you. I ain't gonna let you fall. 1597 01:11:26,157 --> 01:11:27,783 -Don't let me go. -I won't let you fall. 1598 01:11:27,867 --> 01:11:29,117 -Don't let go. -All right, I'm still with you. 1599 01:11:29,202 --> 01:11:30,160 -Okay. -I'm still with you. 1600 01:11:30,244 --> 01:11:32,371 Let's pick up some speed, though. I'm with you, guy. 1601 01:11:32,455 --> 01:11:33,747 I'm with you. I'm with you. 1602 01:11:33,831 --> 01:11:34,957 -I'm not letting go. -Don't let me go. 1603 01:11:35,041 --> 01:11:37,167 I'm not letting go. I'm with you, my boy. 1604 01:11:37,251 --> 01:11:38,794 -Wait... -I'm with you, my boy! 1605 01:11:38,878 --> 01:11:41,296 -Yeah, that's all you! -I'm doing it! 1606 01:11:41,673 --> 01:11:43,674 -Yeah! Yeah, yeah, baby! -I'm doing it! 1607 01:11:45,009 --> 01:11:46,551 Oh, my God! 1608 01:11:49,138 --> 01:11:50,263 Are you... 1609 01:11:50,348 --> 01:11:51,348 Kid, are you... 1610 01:11:51,432 --> 01:11:52,766 Are you all right, buddy? 1611 01:11:52,976 --> 01:11:54,142 Sorry. 1612 01:11:54,227 --> 01:11:56,103 -Dude, I'm trying to make love to my wife! -What the fuck? 1613 01:11:56,187 --> 01:11:57,938 -No! -Fucking naked people. 1614 01:11:58,022 --> 01:11:59,606 I'm gonna fucking kill you! 1615 01:11:59,691 --> 01:12:00,983 Oh, my God, they're chasing me! 1616 01:12:01,067 --> 01:12:02,359 What the fuck? Get off him! 1617 01:12:02,610 --> 01:12:03,610 Go! 1618 01:12:03,695 --> 01:12:04,903 -Oh, my God! Look out! -Go! 1619 01:12:06,698 --> 01:12:08,073 Keep going, guy! 1620 01:12:08,157 --> 01:12:09,616 Donny! 1621 01:12:11,577 --> 01:12:12,786 -Yeah! -You're the best. 1622 01:12:12,870 --> 01:12:14,079 -You are, Jay. -Good luck! 1623 01:12:14,163 --> 01:12:15,580 I like your fucking hairdo! 1624 01:12:15,665 --> 01:12:18,125 Good luck with the taxi business! 1625 01:12:18,209 --> 01:12:20,210 -Love that guy. -Classic. Classic. 1626 01:12:20,461 --> 01:12:21,753 Classic. 1627 01:12:21,838 --> 01:12:23,213 It's a classic night. 1628 01:12:23,297 --> 01:12:25,924 No way! Party's not over! 1629 01:12:26,342 --> 01:12:27,718 Come on! 1630 01:12:30,513 --> 01:12:31,972 Dude, Uncle Vanny's fucked up. 1631 01:12:34,267 --> 01:12:35,600 I love you, son. 1632 01:12:40,189 --> 01:12:41,231 I do. 1633 01:12:41,315 --> 01:12:42,607 I've always loved you, all right? 1634 01:12:44,444 --> 01:12:46,111 Sorry to spring that on you like that. 1635 01:12:46,529 --> 01:12:47,529 It's all right. 1636 01:12:47,613 --> 01:12:49,656 It's cool, Donny. That's nice, thank you. 1637 01:12:49,741 --> 01:12:51,116 Hansie, Hansie. 1638 01:12:52,243 --> 01:12:55,871 Why don't you not call me "Donny" when no one's around. 1639 01:12:55,955 --> 01:12:57,497 You can call me "Dad." 1640 01:12:58,791 --> 01:13:00,125 Yeah, I know, I know. 1641 01:13:00,209 --> 01:13:01,418 It's... 1642 01:13:02,795 --> 01:13:04,880 I don't know if I'm ready for that, Donny. 1643 01:13:04,964 --> 01:13:06,298 -You know? -Yeah, yeah. 1644 01:13:08,092 --> 01:13:09,134 No prob. 1645 01:13:22,732 --> 01:13:23,899 Sorry. 1646 01:13:24,317 --> 01:13:26,985 Sorry if you fucking don't like me. 1647 01:13:31,491 --> 01:13:34,451 I probably would've fucked my teacher, too. 1648 01:13:37,580 --> 01:13:38,955 Yeah. 1649 01:13:39,415 --> 01:13:40,749 But... 1650 01:13:51,594 --> 01:13:54,513 So, what time are we gonna go to the prison tomorrow? 1651 01:13:56,057 --> 01:13:58,141 Wait, you'll go to the prison? 1652 01:13:58,684 --> 01:14:00,352 Yeah, I'll go. 1653 01:14:01,896 --> 01:14:03,647 No. No, no, no, no, no. 1654 01:14:03,731 --> 01:14:06,233 That's... They canceled that. 1655 01:14:06,317 --> 01:14:12,322 I talked to the warden, and he says that your mother was just pulling our leg. 1656 01:14:12,406 --> 01:14:14,199 She's only got the chicken pox. 1657 01:14:14,867 --> 01:14:16,952 -What? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. 1658 01:14:17,036 --> 01:14:18,954 She said she was dying because 1659 01:14:19,038 --> 01:14:21,790 they give you better food if you're wicked sick like that, 1660 01:14:21,874 --> 01:14:26,211 like Beefaroni or microwave pizza or some shit, so... 1661 01:14:27,713 --> 01:14:29,297 That just made me hungry. 1662 01:14:29,924 --> 01:14:31,508 Well, check your pockets. 1663 01:14:38,057 --> 01:14:39,432 A treasure! 1664 01:14:39,934 --> 01:14:40,976 Come on, eat it. 1665 01:14:41,060 --> 01:14:42,602 -No, it's nasty. -Come on, I'm telling you. 1666 01:14:42,687 --> 01:14:44,646 Fucking Todd Bridges worked hard on that thing. 1667 01:14:44,730 --> 01:14:46,481 Yeah. You like that. 1668 01:14:46,566 --> 01:14:47,607 Pretty good. 1669 01:14:48,985 --> 01:14:51,486 Look at me, I'm a fountain! 1670 01:14:51,571 --> 01:14:52,946 Throw a penny in here! 1671 01:14:53,030 --> 01:14:55,031 Make a wish, motherfucker! 1672 01:15:12,216 --> 01:15:13,592 What the... 1673 01:15:13,718 --> 01:15:16,261 Grandma D, what's going on? What are you doing here? 1674 01:15:16,512 --> 01:15:18,597 Well, you've had the fantasy, 1675 01:15:19,432 --> 01:15:22,601 so now it's time that you try the real thing. 1676 01:15:26,856 --> 01:15:29,107 No, no, no, I can't do that. 1677 01:15:29,192 --> 01:15:30,525 I'm sorry. 1678 01:15:30,610 --> 01:15:32,194 I appreciate the offer. 1679 01:15:33,362 --> 01:15:34,821 No, no, no, don't. 1680 01:15:34,906 --> 01:15:37,365 I can't. Don't you... I shouldn't. 1681 01:15:39,285 --> 01:15:41,578 Oh, God. 1682 01:15:42,371 --> 01:15:44,706 You got the old-timey bathing suit on. 1683 01:15:47,585 --> 01:15:48,877 Okay, I'm in. 1684 01:15:49,962 --> 01:15:53,715 I'm going to ride you like a Model T. 1685 01:16:00,890 --> 01:16:02,349 Yeah. 1686 01:16:11,692 --> 01:16:13,235 Jamie. 1687 01:16:14,195 --> 01:16:16,154 You're wearing your dress again. 1688 01:16:17,365 --> 01:16:19,282 You look beautiful. 1689 01:16:20,284 --> 01:16:21,952 I want you so bad. 1690 01:16:22,703 --> 01:16:24,204 Be nice to me. 1691 01:16:24,664 --> 01:16:26,498 Make me feel good. 1692 01:16:31,337 --> 01:16:33,171 All right, all right. 1693 01:16:33,506 --> 01:16:36,758 Okay, okay, okay, okay. 1694 01:16:49,397 --> 01:16:51,356 Oh, my God! 1695 01:16:51,732 --> 01:16:52,899 Help me! 1696 01:16:54,110 --> 01:16:55,110 What happened? 1697 01:16:55,194 --> 01:16:56,236 Are you okay? 1698 01:16:56,654 --> 01:16:58,280 Do I sound okay? 1699 01:16:58,572 --> 01:17:01,074 You puked all over my wedding dress! 1700 01:17:01,826 --> 01:17:03,535 Prepare to get fucked up, motherfuckers! 1701 01:17:05,329 --> 01:17:07,539 Sorry, I heard you scream. 1702 01:17:07,623 --> 01:17:09,457 I thought Jamie was getting murdered, 1703 01:17:09,542 --> 01:17:11,418 so I was gonna fucking smack someone around. 1704 01:17:11,877 --> 01:17:13,461 -What happened? -I don't know! 1705 01:17:13,838 --> 01:17:16,298 I just found my wedding dress covered in barf! 1706 01:17:16,382 --> 01:17:19,676 And something else, something sticky. 1707 01:17:38,154 --> 01:17:39,237 It's jizz. 1708 01:17:41,115 --> 01:17:43,950 You puked on my dress and then fucked it! 1709 01:17:45,911 --> 01:17:47,829 You're a madman. 1710 01:17:47,913 --> 01:17:49,664 No, no, no, no. No. 1711 01:17:49,957 --> 01:17:51,583 -Sweetheart, it wasn't my boy. -You shut up. 1712 01:17:51,667 --> 01:17:52,709 Donny, just shut up! 1713 01:17:52,793 --> 01:17:54,127 Who wants a piece of this, huh? 1714 01:17:54,211 --> 01:17:55,920 -Who wants a piece? -Whoa, no, no, no! 1715 01:17:56,088 --> 01:17:57,172 It's okay, buddy. 1716 01:17:57,256 --> 01:17:58,923 Todd just fucked the dress. 1717 01:17:59,342 --> 01:18:00,467 It's under control. 1718 01:18:01,594 --> 01:18:03,345 What is Vanilla Ice doing in our room? 1719 01:18:04,430 --> 01:18:07,766 He's my other best friend. 1720 01:18:08,100 --> 01:18:09,601 Yeah. And a wicked good rapper. 1721 01:18:09,685 --> 01:18:11,394 Give it up for him. Come on, now. 1722 01:18:11,771 --> 01:18:13,813 -Let's give it up. -My boy. 1723 01:18:14,065 --> 01:18:15,065 I don't know what's going on here, 1724 01:18:15,149 --> 01:18:16,608 but I don't have time to deal with this, so... 1725 01:18:17,568 --> 01:18:19,235 Okay, this is what's gonna happen. 1726 01:18:19,320 --> 01:18:21,321 I'm gonna go take a shower. I'm gonna go to Pilates. 1727 01:18:21,405 --> 01:18:23,323 You're gonna take that dress to the dry cleaners! 1728 01:18:23,407 --> 01:18:25,116 And then we're gonna have rehearsal dinner tonight, 1729 01:18:25,201 --> 01:18:27,118 and you're gonna be the normal Todd from three days ago, right? 1730 01:18:27,411 --> 01:18:30,789 And you can start by taking out that stupid Duran Duran earring! 1731 01:18:31,123 --> 01:18:32,457 I was thinking it's more Foreigner. 1732 01:18:32,541 --> 01:18:34,876 No? No, no, Duran Duran's a good call, though. 1733 01:18:39,131 --> 01:18:41,341 Guess I'm gonna go finish up with Grandma Delores. 1734 01:18:41,425 --> 01:18:42,467 -Yeah. -Is that all right? 1735 01:18:42,551 --> 01:18:43,593 -Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Have fun, buddy. Have fun. 1736 01:18:43,677 --> 01:18:44,803 Not too much, though. Don't hurt her. 1737 01:18:44,887 --> 01:18:46,262 No, no. I get it right and keep it tight. 1738 01:18:46,347 --> 01:18:47,764 Okay. 1739 01:18:48,808 --> 01:18:50,809 Look, I need a couple hours to fix this. 1740 01:18:50,893 --> 01:18:54,396 Hey, we've all been in that situation, and you'll be fine, kid. 1741 01:18:54,688 --> 01:18:57,107 I'll whip up some pancakes for everyone else, all right? 1742 01:18:57,191 --> 01:18:58,525 -All right. -I love it. 1743 01:19:00,569 --> 01:19:02,570 You jizzed on a mannequin. 1744 01:19:02,655 --> 01:19:03,863 Respect it. 1745 01:19:05,658 --> 01:19:07,826 But you were only 1 3. 1746 01:19:08,327 --> 01:19:09,911 She took advantage of you. 1747 01:19:09,995 --> 01:19:12,580 No, all right. That's what the law says, Su-Jin, 1748 01:19:12,832 --> 01:19:15,417 but I don't know... We were kind of like soul mates. 1749 01:19:15,501 --> 01:19:17,127 You know, there was... There was a connection there. 1750 01:19:17,211 --> 01:19:18,711 I never had it with anyone else. 1751 01:19:19,255 --> 01:19:20,964 I'm getting a call. I'm sorry, guys. 1752 01:19:21,048 --> 01:19:23,049 Do not touch these plates. I'm cleaning them. 1753 01:19:23,134 --> 01:19:24,134 Okay, Su-Jin? 1754 01:19:25,177 --> 01:19:26,261 Go for Donny B. 1755 01:19:26,637 --> 01:19:28,012 Wassup! 1756 01:19:28,472 --> 01:19:31,141 Hey, big man. What's going on? 1757 01:19:31,225 --> 01:19:32,225 How'd it go with the lady? 1758 01:19:32,309 --> 01:19:33,810 You patch things up? 1759 01:19:34,186 --> 01:19:35,687 Yeah, pretty much. It was amazing. 1760 01:19:35,771 --> 01:19:39,607 The dry cleaner said they've definitely seen that combo of fluid before. 1761 01:19:39,692 --> 01:19:42,735 You see? Yeah, those things go together like gin and tonic. 1762 01:19:43,404 --> 01:19:45,113 Hey, listen, while l got you, 1763 01:19:45,197 --> 01:19:47,490 I left you a little best man gift on your dresser. 1764 01:19:47,575 --> 01:19:48,825 I think you'll get a kick out of it. 1765 01:19:49,118 --> 01:19:51,453 You did not. Oh, my God. 1766 01:19:51,537 --> 01:19:54,581 My whole body, like, got a shocked feeling over that. 1767 01:19:54,665 --> 01:19:56,124 Buddy, no one gets me a gift. 1768 01:19:56,333 --> 01:19:58,293 -Where are you, anyways? -I'm in the car. 1769 01:19:58,377 --> 01:20:00,295 I decided to go see Mom after all. 1770 01:20:01,380 --> 01:20:02,422 You did what? 1771 01:20:03,966 --> 01:20:05,341 Oh, my God. Dukes ofHazzard! 1772 01:20:24,069 --> 01:20:25,320 Hansie. 1773 01:20:25,404 --> 01:20:27,071 Donny, what are you doing here? 1774 01:20:27,156 --> 01:20:28,740 We got to get out of here now. 1775 01:20:29,033 --> 01:20:30,325 What? What are you talking about? 1776 01:20:30,409 --> 01:20:31,826 It's your wedding weekend, dude. 1777 01:20:31,911 --> 01:20:32,869 You come here after the wedding. 1778 01:20:32,953 --> 01:20:34,162 You show your mother your new ring. 1779 01:20:34,246 --> 01:20:35,622 That would make her happy. 1780 01:20:35,915 --> 01:20:37,749 Wait, are you nervous to see her? 1781 01:20:37,958 --> 01:20:41,628 Hansie, can we just blow this place off and have a beer, please? I'm begging you. 1782 01:20:41,712 --> 01:20:42,795 Look. Is that her? 1783 01:21:12,117 --> 01:21:13,785 Oh, my God. 1784 01:21:14,370 --> 01:21:15,870 There you are. 1785 01:21:16,747 --> 01:21:19,541 My little Hansie, you're all grown up. 1786 01:21:20,209 --> 01:21:21,292 Hi, Mom. 1787 01:21:21,669 --> 01:21:23,419 I didn't know if I'd ever see you again. 1788 01:21:23,837 --> 01:21:25,463 I know. I'm sorry I stopped visiting. 1789 01:21:25,548 --> 01:21:26,548 It just got too hard. 1790 01:21:26,632 --> 01:21:28,800 No, I totally understand. 1791 01:21:29,969 --> 01:21:31,302 Wow. 1792 01:21:31,470 --> 01:21:32,679 You still have my eyes. 1793 01:21:34,014 --> 01:21:38,142 Is that the earring that I gave you after the Loverboy concert? 1794 01:21:41,355 --> 01:21:43,398 Yes, it is, Miss McGarricle. 1795 01:21:43,649 --> 01:21:46,401 You know, I think about you every day. 1796 01:21:46,485 --> 01:21:49,487 Fuck, I love you so much, Miss McGarricle. I never stopped. 1797 01:21:50,197 --> 01:21:51,823 I love you, too. 1798 01:21:53,450 --> 01:21:54,576 Do you remember... 1799 01:21:55,160 --> 01:21:56,160 Oh, God, here we go. 1800 01:21:56,662 --> 01:22:00,707 ...all the nasty things that I taught you, Donny? 1801 01:22:02,376 --> 01:22:04,836 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I do, Miss McGarricle. 1802 01:22:05,170 --> 01:22:07,797 Are you still my dirty boy? 1803 01:22:08,716 --> 01:22:12,677 Yeah, I'm the dirtiest boy you'll ever know, Miss McGarricle. 1804 01:22:13,470 --> 01:22:14,637 Donny. 1805 01:22:16,515 --> 01:22:17,807 Oh, fuck, yeah. 1806 01:22:24,356 --> 01:22:26,858 I'm hard right now. I'm hard. 1807 01:22:27,359 --> 01:22:29,611 Okay. Yeah, I'm hating that, so... 1808 01:22:30,487 --> 01:22:33,114 But it is really good to see you, Mom. I... 1809 01:22:33,198 --> 01:22:34,365 It's good to see you, too, baby. 1810 01:22:35,200 --> 01:22:37,994 Can you describe what you're feeling right now, Han? 1811 01:22:38,370 --> 01:22:39,996 TV's Randall Morgan? 1812 01:22:40,706 --> 01:22:42,165 What are you doing here? 1813 01:22:42,249 --> 01:22:45,293 Must be quite emotional for you to be face-to-face 1814 01:22:45,377 --> 01:22:47,795 with the woman who molested your father, isn't it? 1815 01:22:48,088 --> 01:22:50,381 -What is going on right now? -Who is this dude? 1816 01:22:50,466 --> 01:22:52,342 Listen, before you get mad at me... 1817 01:22:52,426 --> 01:22:54,093 This is why you came to see me? 1818 01:22:54,428 --> 01:22:56,304 For some reality TV ambush? 1819 01:22:56,388 --> 01:22:58,181 -No. -How much they paying you, Donny? 1820 01:22:58,265 --> 01:22:59,849 Nothing, I swear to God. I'm not getting... 1821 01:22:59,933 --> 01:23:03,394 Fifty thousand dollars to deliver you to this prison. 1822 01:23:03,729 --> 01:23:06,230 All right, it was 50 grand, but I'm not... I'm not... 1823 01:23:06,315 --> 01:23:07,857 I'm not going to do it. I swear to God. 1824 01:23:07,941 --> 01:23:09,400 I'm not... I would never take his money. 1825 01:23:09,485 --> 01:23:10,693 Donny Berger, what have you done? 1826 01:23:10,986 --> 01:23:12,403 Hansie, dude, it's me. 1827 01:23:12,738 --> 01:23:13,988 It's the guy from last night. 1828 01:23:14,073 --> 01:23:15,406 We had fun. Don't fuck it. 1829 01:23:15,491 --> 01:23:16,574 I'm telling you, this is... 1830 01:23:16,659 --> 01:23:17,742 This is something that can be fixed. 1831 01:23:18,077 --> 01:23:19,369 -You're unreal. -Hansie. 1832 01:23:20,412 --> 01:23:21,412 What... 1833 01:23:21,497 --> 01:23:23,998 You go after him, Donny, and you take care of our son. 1834 01:23:24,333 --> 01:23:27,168 -Hansie. -Come on, he is pissed. Fuck! 1835 01:23:27,503 --> 01:23:29,629 -Take care of our baby, Donny! -Hansie! 1836 01:23:30,005 --> 01:23:31,839 Hansie, please, let me explain to you... 1837 01:23:31,924 --> 01:23:33,800 I can't believe I let you back into my life again. 1838 01:23:33,926 --> 01:23:36,177 Guy, guy, just come on. Listen to me. 1839 01:23:36,553 --> 01:23:38,346 I owe the IRS a lot of money. 1840 01:23:38,430 --> 01:23:40,682 -Of course you do. -I know, I know. I'm a fuck-up. 1841 01:23:40,766 --> 01:23:43,935 But if I don't give them 43 G's by Tuesday, I'm going to prison. 1842 01:23:44,269 --> 01:23:46,020 Wait, so you're telling me, 1843 01:23:46,105 --> 01:23:48,398 if I give you 43 grand, you don't have to go to jail? 1844 01:23:49,650 --> 01:23:51,609 I will pay you back, I swear to God. 1845 01:23:51,694 --> 01:23:53,111 Would you loan me the money? 1846 01:23:53,278 --> 01:23:54,862 No! Fuck you! 1847 01:23:54,947 --> 01:23:56,989 -Get your shit out of my boss's house! -Okay! 1848 01:23:58,033 --> 01:23:59,325 No! Don't do that. 1849 01:23:59,410 --> 01:24:01,369 That's my boy there. 1850 01:24:03,414 --> 01:24:04,580 No. 1851 01:24:04,665 --> 01:24:06,374 I think he just shit his pants. 1852 01:24:06,458 --> 01:24:08,126 Tell me you got that on camera. 1853 01:24:08,419 --> 01:24:10,378 You made me throw out my extra underwear! 1854 01:24:10,462 --> 01:24:13,631 I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to shit yourself again. 1855 01:24:13,882 --> 01:24:16,676 That was awesome. 1856 01:24:17,010 --> 01:24:19,262 Donny, couldn't have gone any better. Loved it. 1857 01:24:19,346 --> 01:24:21,097 You know what I need from you, Todd, is I need you 1858 01:24:21,181 --> 01:24:23,474 -to sign the release form right... -Fuck you! 1859 01:24:24,309 --> 01:24:25,393 Get away from me! 1860 01:24:25,477 --> 01:24:26,978 Get those cameras off me! 1861 01:24:28,772 --> 01:24:31,482 I hate you, Dad. 1862 01:24:35,404 --> 01:24:36,779 Hansie! 1863 01:24:37,531 --> 01:24:40,658 I can't pay you a dime unless I got a release form. 1864 01:24:41,452 --> 01:24:42,869 Fuck. 1865 01:24:42,953 --> 01:24:44,495 Did I get any shit on me? 1866 01:25:13,358 --> 01:25:16,027 Let me off here. Let me off. Let me get off. I'll fucking run up. 1867 01:25:16,361 --> 01:25:17,570 Keep it running. 1868 01:25:17,654 --> 01:25:19,030 I got to pick my shit up. 1869 01:25:39,718 --> 01:25:41,219 You're so adorable. 1870 01:25:42,179 --> 01:25:44,430 No, I know, but I told you not to call me on this line. 1871 01:25:44,515 --> 01:25:46,015 What if Todd picks up? 1872 01:25:48,018 --> 01:25:50,645 No, no, no, I want to. 1873 01:25:52,523 --> 01:25:53,689 No, Steve. 1874 01:25:53,774 --> 01:25:55,399 Todd doesn't know anything. 1875 01:25:55,567 --> 01:25:58,069 I don't care if he finds out after the wedding. 1876 01:25:58,195 --> 01:25:59,570 There's nothing he can do about it then anyway. 1877 01:26:00,739 --> 01:26:02,156 You're so sweet. 1878 01:26:02,241 --> 01:26:03,866 Steve, huh? 1879 01:26:04,993 --> 01:26:08,454 Well, Steve Spirou, I'm going to fuck you up. 1880 01:26:09,206 --> 01:26:12,250 I'm going to fuck you up! 1881 01:26:14,962 --> 01:26:17,004 Well, I got some great news. 1882 01:26:17,256 --> 01:26:19,590 I've made my decision on who my new partner is. 1883 01:26:21,927 --> 01:26:23,219 Phil! 1884 01:26:23,303 --> 01:26:25,221 Phil, I knew you could do it. 1885 01:26:25,305 --> 01:26:26,764 Look at Phil's face. 1886 01:26:26,849 --> 01:26:29,267 I'm just busting your balls, Phil. 1887 01:26:29,351 --> 01:26:31,018 No, I'd never pick you. 1888 01:26:31,103 --> 01:26:32,311 Oh, no. 1889 01:26:32,437 --> 01:26:34,939 It's you, Todd. Partners. 1890 01:26:36,233 --> 01:26:37,358 Partner. 1891 01:26:37,442 --> 01:26:38,401 Oh, my gosh. 1892 01:26:38,485 --> 01:26:40,778 It's going to be a lot more hours and a lot more responsibility. 1893 01:26:40,863 --> 01:26:42,029 You know that, right? 1894 01:26:42,114 --> 01:26:44,448 And a lot more money! 1895 01:26:48,287 --> 01:26:49,996 -Somebody's going shopping! -Yeah! 1896 01:26:51,999 --> 01:26:53,291 I thought he left. 1897 01:26:53,375 --> 01:26:55,042 Yeah, that's what you wish, Steve. 1898 01:26:55,127 --> 01:26:57,169 I need to talk to you, homeboy. Yeah. 1899 01:26:57,254 --> 01:26:58,296 Hey, Jamie. 1900 01:26:58,964 --> 01:27:00,006 Listen. Listen. 1901 01:27:00,090 --> 01:27:02,925 Dude, this is not about you and me, all right? 1902 01:27:03,468 --> 01:27:04,969 You're not marrying the right girl. 1903 01:27:05,053 --> 01:27:06,137 She is cheating on you. 1904 01:27:06,722 --> 01:27:08,055 You are unbelievable. 1905 01:27:08,140 --> 01:27:09,223 Can't you just let it go? 1906 01:27:09,308 --> 01:27:10,558 This is my last chance to be normal. 1907 01:27:10,642 --> 01:27:11,934 Are you determined to ruin my life? 1908 01:27:12,644 --> 01:27:14,395 -Honey, what's going on? -Nothing. 1909 01:27:14,479 --> 01:27:16,814 Don't "honey" him, you little snake in the grass. 1910 01:27:17,190 --> 01:27:18,691 I heard your phone call. 1911 01:27:18,775 --> 01:27:21,694 "Steve, why'd you call on this line? 1912 01:27:21,778 --> 01:27:23,154 "Todd could have picked up." 1913 01:27:23,405 --> 01:27:24,447 That's right, sonny boy. 1914 01:27:24,531 --> 01:27:26,407 Your wife-to-be's fucking your boss. 1915 01:27:26,700 --> 01:27:27,783 Right there. 1916 01:27:28,160 --> 01:27:29,243 Fuck you, buddy. 1917 01:27:29,494 --> 01:27:31,370 You are an idiot! 1918 01:27:31,455 --> 01:27:32,580 Is that right, sweetheart? 1919 01:27:32,664 --> 01:27:34,081 -Yes, it is. -Yeah, yeah. Why? 1920 01:27:34,166 --> 01:27:36,500 I was on the phone with Steve. 1921 01:27:36,793 --> 01:27:40,838 Steve Goldstein, the Boston HeraId wedding reporter. 1922 01:27:41,173 --> 01:27:44,091 Yeah, he's doing a piece on the most beautiful places to get married, 1923 01:27:44,176 --> 01:27:46,677 and I didn't want Todd to know because he doesn't like being in the paper. 1924 01:27:46,803 --> 01:27:49,889 So, I am sorry that I wanted everyone in the world 1925 01:27:49,973 --> 01:27:51,933 to know I married the perfect guy. 1926 01:27:52,017 --> 01:27:56,187 Honey, do you think you can forgive me for keeping such a big secret from you? 1927 01:27:58,774 --> 01:28:02,193 Okay, due to this newfound evidence, 1928 01:28:03,195 --> 01:28:06,155 the conclusion might be that I'm an asshole. 1929 01:28:07,199 --> 01:28:08,282 Bye. 1930 01:28:10,369 --> 01:28:11,953 Fine. 1931 01:28:12,037 --> 01:28:13,162 Have a good wedding. 1932 01:28:15,332 --> 01:28:16,874 I'll leave with pride. 1933 01:28:17,417 --> 01:28:18,751 I'm a good person. 1934 01:28:20,963 --> 01:28:23,130 Bye! I'll see you tomorrow! 1935 01:28:28,011 --> 01:28:29,553 Wow, what a stressful day, huh? 1936 01:28:29,972 --> 01:28:31,555 -Can't wait to get back to the beach house. -Thank you. 1937 01:28:31,640 --> 01:28:33,599 -Bye. -Just the two of us, you know? 1938 01:28:33,934 --> 01:28:36,268 No, honey. I'm staying in the city tonight, remember? 1939 01:28:36,520 --> 01:28:38,145 -What? No. -Yeah, the bride and groom, 1940 01:28:38,230 --> 01:28:40,481 they're supposed to sleep separate night before the wedding. 1941 01:28:40,565 --> 01:28:41,816 So see you tomorrow, big guy. 1942 01:28:41,900 --> 01:28:43,734 I'm going to drop Jamie at the Fairmont Copley. 1943 01:28:43,902 --> 01:28:45,903 Mom and Dad, you guys got the hedgehog. Okay! 1944 01:28:46,238 --> 01:28:47,279 -Love you. -Watch the door. 1945 01:28:47,364 --> 01:28:49,115 -Love you. Okay. -Sleep well. 1946 01:28:49,491 --> 01:28:51,242 Wait, but don't they not have a car? 1947 01:28:57,082 --> 01:28:59,166 All right, Donny, go. There's your chance. Go. 1948 01:28:59,251 --> 01:29:01,168 I ain't got no more chances, buddy. 1949 01:29:01,253 --> 01:29:02,920 The kid hates my guts. 1950 01:29:03,213 --> 01:29:04,797 Right? 'Cause you guys don't have a car. 1951 01:29:04,881 --> 01:29:06,424 I'm not talking about him, Donny. 1952 01:29:07,092 --> 01:29:08,718 -Wake up, man. -What? 1953 01:29:09,094 --> 01:29:11,220 Jamie's the gatekeeper for your son. 1954 01:29:11,513 --> 01:29:14,932 -Yeah? -Win her over, then she'll convince Han 1955 01:29:15,267 --> 01:29:17,268 to give you another chance. Boom! 1956 01:29:18,103 --> 01:29:21,689 How am I ever going to get her trust? She freaking hates me. 1957 01:29:22,190 --> 01:29:24,608 Donny, you want to know what all women love? 1958 01:29:25,610 --> 01:29:27,028 Ice cream. 1959 01:29:36,121 --> 01:29:37,997 Hi. I'm Todd Peterson. 1960 01:29:38,540 --> 01:29:40,374 No, you're not. You're Donny Berger. 1961 01:29:40,459 --> 01:29:42,376 You fucked your teacher in the seventh grade. 1962 01:29:45,672 --> 01:29:47,381 Hi. I'm Todd Peterson. 1963 01:29:47,466 --> 01:29:49,175 Hi, Mr. Peterson. What can I do for you? 1964 01:29:49,593 --> 01:29:51,552 What room was my fiancée in again? 1965 01:29:51,678 --> 01:29:53,971 Let me check. 641 . 1966 01:29:54,306 --> 01:29:55,514 You're a fucking stud. 1967 01:29:57,350 --> 01:29:59,268 Hey, when the legendary Donny Berger comes in here 1968 01:29:59,352 --> 01:30:01,395 using a fake name, you go with it! 1969 01:30:01,480 --> 01:30:03,022 All right, I will. 1970 01:30:08,236 --> 01:30:10,821 641 . 641 . 1971 01:30:10,906 --> 01:30:12,990 All right, come on, sweetheart. 1972 01:30:13,075 --> 01:30:14,950 Oh, yeah! 1973 01:30:17,245 --> 01:30:18,329 What, did Todd come out here? 1974 01:30:18,413 --> 01:30:20,206 You're half the size of Todd, 1975 01:30:20,290 --> 01:30:22,958 but you use it so much better! 1976 01:30:23,043 --> 01:30:25,169 I guess not. 1977 01:30:25,253 --> 01:30:26,295 Oh, my God! 1978 01:30:26,379 --> 01:30:27,838 Oh, my God. 1979 01:30:27,923 --> 01:30:29,256 Oh, my God! 1980 01:30:29,341 --> 01:30:31,050 Oh, my God. 1981 01:30:32,135 --> 01:30:33,719 Fucking shit! 1982 01:30:33,804 --> 01:30:35,096 Fucking shit. 1983 01:30:35,180 --> 01:30:36,222 Fucking shit! 1984 01:30:36,306 --> 01:30:37,348 Fucking shit. 1985 01:30:39,226 --> 01:30:40,601 Yeah. Okay. 1986 01:30:41,061 --> 01:30:42,895 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 1987 01:31:05,377 --> 01:31:06,836 Okay. 1988 01:31:09,422 --> 01:31:11,215 Yeah! 1989 01:31:11,758 --> 01:31:13,843 You do not deserve these treats. 1990 01:31:16,346 --> 01:31:17,429 Are you finished, sweetheart? 1991 01:31:18,265 --> 01:31:19,390 Oh, my God. 1992 01:31:21,309 --> 01:31:22,935 Your fiancé's at home, you know. 1993 01:31:23,395 --> 01:31:24,979 This really gets me upset. 1994 01:31:25,063 --> 01:31:26,480 You know why? 1995 01:31:26,565 --> 01:31:28,190 'Cause he's too good for you. 1996 01:31:28,733 --> 01:31:30,401 He is. 1997 01:31:30,485 --> 01:31:33,404 And you're sitting here gallivanting with... 1998 01:31:33,488 --> 01:31:35,573 I think I know who. 1999 01:31:35,657 --> 01:31:39,160 Don't I, Mr. Steve Goldstein? 2000 01:31:44,457 --> 01:31:46,750 Wait. Are you... 2001 01:31:47,627 --> 01:31:48,961 What am I seeing? 2002 01:31:49,254 --> 01:31:50,963 No... It... 2003 01:31:52,299 --> 01:31:53,382 With each other? 2004 01:31:54,759 --> 01:31:56,552 Am I... This is... 2005 01:31:59,681 --> 01:32:02,474 Is he your stepbrother at least 2006 01:32:02,559 --> 01:32:04,768 or adopted or something? 2007 01:32:06,104 --> 01:32:07,271 No reply. 2008 01:32:07,355 --> 01:32:08,355 So it's real. 2009 01:32:08,440 --> 01:32:09,648 Oh, my God. 2010 01:32:09,733 --> 01:32:11,150 Donny, Donny, you don't... 2011 01:32:11,234 --> 01:32:12,610 You don't understand what's going on here. 2012 01:32:12,694 --> 01:32:16,071 I don't think Charlie Sheen would understand what's going on here. 2013 01:32:16,406 --> 01:32:20,159 Look, I love Todd, and we're going to get married, 2014 01:32:20,243 --> 01:32:22,036 and we're going to have a great life together. 2015 01:32:22,120 --> 01:32:25,789 And yes, I've had sex with Chad from time to time. 2016 01:32:27,209 --> 01:32:28,459 It's what good-looking people do. 2017 01:32:28,543 --> 01:32:30,628 They have sex with other good-looking people. 2018 01:32:30,962 --> 01:32:32,546 You know? Just so happens that 2019 01:32:32,631 --> 01:32:36,217 this one particular good-looking person is my little brother. 2020 01:32:36,301 --> 01:32:37,885 Okay. 2021 01:32:37,969 --> 01:32:39,887 It's all making sense to me now. 2022 01:32:42,557 --> 01:32:45,768 I know that sounded bad, but, Donny, this was going to be the last time. 2023 01:32:45,852 --> 01:32:48,103 I would never carry on with a married woman. 2024 01:32:48,355 --> 01:32:50,856 I've got better morals than that, Donny. 2025 01:32:52,317 --> 01:32:55,319 Chad, adultery is bad, 2026 01:32:57,239 --> 01:33:00,991 but incest is fucked up! 2027 01:33:02,994 --> 01:33:06,080 Please don't let him tell Mommy about our secret tickle time. 2028 01:33:06,289 --> 01:33:08,082 "Secret tickle time"? 2029 01:33:08,166 --> 01:33:10,251 You got a name for it? 2030 01:33:11,878 --> 01:33:15,714 And with a United States military man, no less. 2031 01:33:16,049 --> 01:33:18,592 You are a disgrace to that uniform! 2032 01:33:18,677 --> 01:33:20,094 No, he's not a Marine. 2033 01:33:20,178 --> 01:33:21,428 He buys those uniforms on eBay 2034 01:33:21,513 --> 01:33:24,056 so Dad doesn't find out he's a modern jazz dancer. 2035 01:33:24,391 --> 01:33:25,516 What? 2036 01:33:25,600 --> 01:33:28,143 That's possibly worse than the incest thing. 2037 01:33:28,645 --> 01:33:31,063 This is an abomination. I'm telling Todd. 2038 01:33:31,147 --> 01:33:33,440 -No, he won't believe you. -Yeah, he will. 2039 01:33:33,692 --> 01:33:36,694 No, he bought that Steve Goldstein story. 2040 01:33:37,028 --> 01:33:39,905 Come on, you think he got that partnership on his own? 2041 01:33:39,990 --> 01:33:41,323 With that "beep boop beep" shit? 2042 01:33:41,408 --> 01:33:42,449 No, I gave him a boost. 2043 01:33:43,201 --> 01:33:45,369 How many people have you fucked? 2044 01:33:45,954 --> 01:33:48,038 Well, maybe he'll believe this. 2045 01:33:51,418 --> 01:33:53,294 Nice. Save. 2046 01:33:55,255 --> 01:33:56,797 You two have fun together. 2047 01:33:57,424 --> 01:33:58,590 Sickies. 2048 01:33:58,675 --> 01:34:00,134 All right, how much? 2049 01:34:00,677 --> 01:34:01,844 I'm going to be a very rich woman. 2050 01:34:01,928 --> 01:34:03,470 I can write you a big fat check. 2051 01:34:03,847 --> 01:34:05,723 What's it going to take for this to go away? 2052 01:34:06,182 --> 01:34:09,601 Todd has to pop a Xanax when he loses a contact lens. 2053 01:34:10,562 --> 01:34:12,980 What do you think he's going to do when he finds out about this? 2054 01:34:13,648 --> 01:34:15,441 Todd's happy. 2055 01:34:15,525 --> 01:34:17,359 You really want to take that away? 2056 01:34:37,672 --> 01:34:38,922 Hey, buddy. 2057 01:34:40,175 --> 01:34:42,593 I got something to tell you, and... 2058 01:34:43,762 --> 01:34:46,013 I'm not expecting you to believe this, but... 2059 01:34:48,183 --> 01:34:49,725 I got the money. 2060 01:34:49,809 --> 01:34:51,060 That's great, Donny. 2061 01:34:51,436 --> 01:34:53,020 Your son came through for you, didn't he? 2062 01:34:53,229 --> 01:34:57,107 Yeah. His fiancée gave me $50,000 2063 01:34:57,192 --> 01:35:00,569 to keep quiet about her having sex with her brother. 2064 01:35:00,653 --> 01:35:02,279 Yeah, I've been there. 2065 01:35:02,447 --> 01:35:03,655 We've all been there. 2066 01:35:04,699 --> 01:35:06,658 She said it was her last time, so... 2067 01:35:07,827 --> 01:35:09,078 Maybe things will work out. 2068 01:35:09,829 --> 01:35:11,955 Then how come I feel like shit right now? 2069 01:35:12,791 --> 01:35:14,458 Yeah, it's kind of a moral thicket. 2070 01:35:14,709 --> 01:35:16,043 But the good news is 2071 01:35:16,127 --> 01:35:18,670 you stay out of the slammer, right, Donny? 2072 01:35:20,256 --> 01:35:21,423 Donny? 2073 01:35:33,478 --> 01:35:34,978 "Go do something." 2074 01:35:36,564 --> 01:35:39,983 I don't know, Mr. Mitty. I don't know if I can fucking handle it. 2075 01:35:41,903 --> 01:35:44,321 "Be a good person." 2076 01:35:46,324 --> 01:35:47,324 Donny? 2077 01:35:54,874 --> 01:35:56,250 -No, no, don't hit me. -No, no. 2078 01:35:56,334 --> 01:35:59,128 Just give me a moment, please, Todd. Just a moment. Relax. 2079 01:35:59,754 --> 01:36:01,797 You know, after praying with the monsignor, 2080 01:36:02,257 --> 01:36:06,510 I realize that I committed the sin of prideful anger in the church, 2081 01:36:07,220 --> 01:36:09,847 and I hope that you'll accept my apology 2082 01:36:09,931 --> 01:36:13,642 and allow me the honor of being a part of this joyous day. 2083 01:36:14,227 --> 01:36:15,894 Well, what about Father Shakalu? 2084 01:36:17,564 --> 01:36:18,939 Stupid bird. 2085 01:36:19,023 --> 01:36:20,441 Come on, fly! 2086 01:36:21,067 --> 01:36:23,026 Well, he's cool. 2087 01:36:24,028 --> 01:36:25,446 Great. Sounds good. 2088 01:36:26,990 --> 01:36:28,282 By the way, Todd, 2089 01:36:29,242 --> 01:36:31,118 was it you that hit me in the head with the bottle? 2090 01:36:32,579 --> 01:36:33,662 No. 2091 01:36:34,080 --> 01:36:36,123 Well, then, who, then? 2092 01:36:37,542 --> 01:36:38,584 It was Chad. 2093 01:36:39,377 --> 01:36:40,711 Interesting. 2094 01:36:41,796 --> 01:36:43,380 Two, three, four. 2095 01:36:43,465 --> 01:36:44,590 Fosse, and Fosse, 2096 01:36:45,258 --> 01:36:46,800 -and Fosse. -Interesting. 2097 01:36:48,887 --> 01:36:50,804 Yo! Donny Berger! All right! 2098 01:36:50,889 --> 01:36:54,057 I'd sign something for you, buddy, but I got no time right now. 2099 01:36:54,142 --> 01:36:55,476 Ice! 2100 01:36:55,560 --> 01:36:57,060 Ice, you in there, buddy? I need you! 2101 01:36:58,897 --> 01:37:00,022 You still got the 5.0? 2102 01:37:02,358 --> 01:37:04,651 What does that mean? Is that a yes or no? I don't understand the pose. 2103 01:37:04,736 --> 01:37:06,570 Yeah? Let's go, let's go! 2104 01:37:17,999 --> 01:37:19,333 Go, baby, go! 2105 01:37:52,742 --> 01:37:53,909 No! 2106 01:38:19,477 --> 01:38:20,644 Look at this fucking guy! 2107 01:38:22,647 --> 01:38:23,689 Man! 2108 01:38:36,327 --> 01:38:38,912 No, no, no, no, no! We're stuck! We're stuck! 2109 01:38:38,997 --> 01:38:41,081 To hell with the 5.0. Let's run for it, man. 2110 01:38:41,165 --> 01:38:43,375 -But we need great tunes! -Come on, let's get them! 2111 01:38:44,335 --> 01:38:45,752 Right here, I got a Walkman. 2112 01:38:45,837 --> 01:38:47,170 -The Walkman! -Yeah, baby. 2113 01:38:49,299 --> 01:38:50,340 Let's go! 2114 01:38:53,886 --> 01:38:55,345 -Damn it, man! -Come on! Let's go! 2115 01:38:55,430 --> 01:38:56,513 Oh, my God! 2116 01:38:59,350 --> 01:39:00,851 Hey! 2117 01:39:10,945 --> 01:39:13,363 You forgot to pay! 2118 01:39:13,615 --> 01:39:16,825 So, Jamie, do you promise to provide Todd here 2119 01:39:16,909 --> 01:39:20,370 with unending empathy, encouragement and honesty, 2120 01:39:21,205 --> 01:39:22,414 till death do you part? 2121 01:39:22,957 --> 01:39:24,041 I do. 2122 01:39:28,379 --> 01:39:30,172 Hey, Donny. Come on! 2123 01:39:37,138 --> 01:39:38,513 What are you doing, guy? 2124 01:39:38,890 --> 01:39:40,390 You jumped? 2125 01:39:40,475 --> 01:39:42,309 There was a door right here! 2126 01:39:42,393 --> 01:39:44,394 Come on, we got to get there! 2127 01:39:46,898 --> 01:39:48,482 And you, Todd, do you promise to love, 2128 01:39:48,566 --> 01:39:52,235 honor and protect this special lady for the rest of your life? 2129 01:39:54,489 --> 01:39:56,657 Don't answer that question! 2130 01:40:02,580 --> 01:40:03,747 Oh, shit. 2131 01:40:06,876 --> 01:40:10,128 We ran well over a mile. 2132 01:40:22,934 --> 01:40:25,018 I object to these two getting married. 2133 01:40:26,896 --> 01:40:30,190 No, we're past that part already. 2134 01:40:31,025 --> 01:40:32,192 What are my options, then? 2135 01:40:32,276 --> 01:40:33,318 How about leaving? 2136 01:40:33,444 --> 01:40:36,113 You shut the hell up, you satanic hose-bag! 2137 01:40:36,406 --> 01:40:37,364 Hey! 2138 01:40:37,448 --> 01:40:39,866 Gerald! I'm sorry it sounded so harsh, 2139 01:40:39,951 --> 01:40:42,285 but you'll understand why I said that in a few minutes. 2140 01:40:42,370 --> 01:40:43,704 There ain't gonna be a few minutes, 2141 01:40:43,788 --> 01:40:45,455 -you goddamn son of a bitch! -Calm down! 2142 01:40:45,540 --> 01:40:46,623 Calm down! 2143 01:40:48,251 --> 01:40:49,793 Let the boy talk. 2144 01:40:49,877 --> 01:40:51,670 I can't let you marry this chick. 2145 01:40:52,004 --> 01:40:53,046 I can't believe you're doing this. 2146 01:40:53,131 --> 01:40:54,631 Listen to me, buddy. 2147 01:40:55,133 --> 01:40:56,842 You don't love this girl. 2148 01:40:56,926 --> 01:40:59,136 I'm telling you. I had love, it's different. 2149 01:40:59,220 --> 01:41:00,887 It's a different feeling. 2150 01:41:01,222 --> 01:41:02,806 Love is like... 2151 01:41:03,599 --> 01:41:06,309 It just leads you to a special connection. 2152 01:41:06,394 --> 01:41:09,938 It's full of, like, feelings of awesomeness. 2153 01:41:10,022 --> 01:41:13,024 And the feelings you... 2154 01:41:13,109 --> 01:41:14,651 That wrap around you. 2155 01:41:15,194 --> 01:41:17,237 It's deep in your stomach. 2156 01:41:17,321 --> 01:41:19,489 It's in your head. It's in your fucking nut sack. 2157 01:41:20,658 --> 01:41:22,159 It's in your dick when it gets hard. 2158 01:41:22,243 --> 01:41:23,702 There's still love at the tip. 2159 01:41:23,911 --> 01:41:25,746 And it fucking sprinkles out 2160 01:41:26,539 --> 01:41:29,666 like morning dew shooting all over the grass. 2161 01:41:30,168 --> 01:41:32,419 Okay, I've had just about enough of this. 2162 01:41:32,545 --> 01:41:35,046 Phil, sit down before I tell your wife what you did at the strip club. 2163 01:41:35,173 --> 01:41:36,298 Okay. 2164 01:41:38,092 --> 01:41:42,429 Son, I'm sorry, I just... I can't let you marry this skank. 2165 01:41:42,680 --> 01:41:43,680 "Son?" 2166 01:41:44,140 --> 01:41:45,599 -Your son? -Son? 2167 01:41:45,850 --> 01:41:47,225 What is he talking about? 2168 01:41:47,685 --> 01:41:50,562 Honey? You can tell me. 2169 01:41:51,397 --> 01:41:53,064 I'll forgive you. 2170 01:41:53,691 --> 01:41:56,318 That's what love's about, right? Forgiveness. 2171 01:41:57,737 --> 01:41:59,112 All right, fine. 2172 01:42:00,865 --> 01:42:02,949 Donny's not my best friend. 2173 01:42:03,534 --> 01:42:04,743 He's my father. 2174 01:42:05,203 --> 01:42:06,244 Oh, my... 2175 01:42:06,329 --> 01:42:09,122 My parents didn't die in an explosion. 2176 01:42:09,207 --> 01:42:10,791 I lied because I'm the product of 2177 01:42:10,875 --> 01:42:13,543 an inappropriate teacher-student relationship. 2178 01:42:13,628 --> 01:42:15,837 Teacher-student relationship? 2179 01:42:17,507 --> 01:42:18,840 Do you know how gross that sounds? 2180 01:42:18,925 --> 01:42:19,925 You're disgusting! 2181 01:42:20,468 --> 01:42:22,219 Are you fucking kidding me right now? 2182 01:42:22,512 --> 01:42:24,346 She can still cancel that check, Donny! 2183 01:42:24,514 --> 01:42:25,514 Chad. 2184 01:42:25,723 --> 01:42:26,973 Cancel what check? 2185 01:42:27,058 --> 01:42:28,058 I don't... 2186 01:42:28,142 --> 01:42:30,769 She gave me 50 grand to keep my mouth shut. 2187 01:42:32,146 --> 01:42:33,939 Fifty grand? Jamie. 2188 01:42:34,023 --> 01:42:36,733 Yeah, it was... I was gonna hold on to it, 2189 01:42:36,818 --> 01:42:38,860 you know, to get me out ofjail, but... 2190 01:42:39,737 --> 01:42:41,530 Yeah, yeah. That's what I think of that. 2191 01:42:41,614 --> 01:42:43,323 That's how much I hate this fucking whore. 2192 01:42:43,407 --> 01:42:45,242 Wait. Keep your mouth shut about what? 2193 01:42:45,326 --> 01:42:46,451 Todd, don't listen to him. 2194 01:42:46,702 --> 01:42:48,453 He's a liar and he's crazy! 2195 01:42:48,538 --> 01:42:50,497 Father McNally, please continue. I promise to do 2196 01:42:50,581 --> 01:42:52,290 all that shit you mentioned and so does Todd, right? 2197 01:42:52,375 --> 01:42:53,917 Wait, what is going on? 2198 01:42:54,001 --> 01:42:55,043 Tell him. 2199 01:42:56,420 --> 01:42:58,296 No, no, no, no, no. Don't tell him, don't tell him. 2200 01:42:58,589 --> 01:43:00,841 You tell him or I'll tell everybody here. It's up to you. 2201 01:43:07,223 --> 01:43:08,265 Come on. 2202 01:43:21,946 --> 01:43:23,363 Okay. Well, that's not that bad. 2203 01:43:23,614 --> 01:43:26,741 What? You didn't tell him, you fucking lying piece of shit! 2204 01:43:26,826 --> 01:43:29,411 Get on it now or I'll fucking crush you! 2205 01:43:29,495 --> 01:43:30,537 No. 2206 01:43:31,122 --> 01:43:34,040 Jame, you can tell me. 2207 01:43:34,125 --> 01:43:35,750 I mean, how bad could it be? 2208 01:43:59,317 --> 01:44:00,358 What? 2209 01:44:00,443 --> 01:44:01,818 Okay, she told him. 2210 01:44:03,779 --> 01:44:05,322 What? 2211 01:44:10,536 --> 01:44:12,329 You fuck your brother? 2212 01:44:12,663 --> 01:44:14,205 Oh, my God! 2213 01:44:16,167 --> 01:44:18,376 Fucking white people. 2214 01:44:20,922 --> 01:44:23,924 I'm not looking so bad now, am I, Dad? 2215 01:44:24,675 --> 01:44:25,926 I'm out of here. 2216 01:44:26,010 --> 01:44:28,595 Mom, she started all this. 2217 01:44:28,679 --> 01:44:31,097 I didn't want to. I'm still your little soldier, I... 2218 01:44:31,307 --> 01:44:33,433 -Fuck! -Take that uniform off. 2219 01:44:33,517 --> 01:44:35,352 You're insulting us all. 2220 01:44:35,436 --> 01:44:37,145 No, no, no. Don't you see? 2221 01:44:37,688 --> 01:44:39,189 It's gonna be even better now. 2222 01:44:39,941 --> 01:44:41,816 You're a mess, I'm a mess. 2223 01:44:42,151 --> 01:44:44,945 Come on. Doc Shakalu, get your ass up here! 2224 01:44:45,029 --> 01:44:46,696 I got to be part of this shit? 2225 01:44:46,864 --> 01:44:47,948 Todd? 2226 01:44:48,324 --> 01:44:49,699 Please. 2227 01:44:56,082 --> 01:44:58,416 Come on, baby. Come on, Todd, let's do this. 2228 01:44:58,501 --> 01:44:59,542 Yeah, yeah. 2229 01:44:59,877 --> 01:45:02,712 No! Let's not do this. 2230 01:45:03,130 --> 01:45:04,422 Okay? 2231 01:45:04,882 --> 01:45:08,510 And for the record, my name's not Todd Peterson. 2232 01:45:09,011 --> 01:45:10,887 It's Han Solo. 2233 01:45:10,972 --> 01:45:14,933 Named after the man who made the Kessel Run in less than 1 2 parsecs. 2234 01:45:15,017 --> 01:45:18,103 And I am a Berger, like my father before me. 2235 01:45:18,396 --> 01:45:20,855 Also, I want to tell everyone here that I've got a pretty huge 2236 01:45:20,940 --> 01:45:22,983 New Kids on the Block tattoo on my back. 2237 01:45:23,067 --> 01:45:25,276 The heads are warped, but fuck you guys, it's funny. 2238 01:45:25,444 --> 01:45:27,153 It is fucking hilarious. 2239 01:45:27,363 --> 01:45:28,405 And Steve? 2240 01:45:28,823 --> 01:45:32,367 Nothing personal, man, but I quit! 2241 01:45:32,743 --> 01:45:35,078 No, no. Come on, Todd, don't be like that. 2242 01:45:36,372 --> 01:45:37,998 We quit, too. 2243 01:45:38,082 --> 01:45:39,165 Fuck you! 2244 01:45:39,583 --> 01:45:40,750 Good call, Han Solo, 2245 01:45:40,835 --> 01:45:42,961 'cause your fiancée banged him, too. 2246 01:45:43,045 --> 01:45:44,004 What? 2247 01:45:44,088 --> 01:45:46,006 I didn't know about the brother thing, though. 2248 01:45:46,090 --> 01:45:48,425 I am as sickened as you, believe me. 2249 01:45:48,509 --> 01:45:50,260 You know what? It's all right, Steve. 2250 01:45:50,344 --> 01:45:51,469 'Cause guess what? 2251 01:45:51,554 --> 01:45:54,097 Donny and Vanilla Ice fucked your mom! 2252 01:45:55,307 --> 01:45:57,392 Vanilla Ice banged Grandma? 2253 01:45:57,476 --> 01:45:59,769 That's fucking awesome! 2254 01:46:02,440 --> 01:46:03,940 Donny, look out! 2255 01:46:08,195 --> 01:46:09,946 Word to your mother, brotherfucker! 2256 01:46:10,656 --> 01:46:12,574 I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to hit a chick, 2257 01:46:12,658 --> 01:46:14,492 but I got to tell you, it felt good. 2258 01:46:14,577 --> 01:46:16,161 I mean, I wouldn't do it again, 2259 01:46:16,245 --> 01:46:18,455 but with this psycho, you know, it was warranted. 2260 01:46:18,539 --> 01:46:20,123 Donny! I'm gonna kill you! 2261 01:46:23,961 --> 01:46:25,420 At ease, bitch. 2262 01:46:25,504 --> 01:46:28,048 Dude! That's it! Nice! 2263 01:46:28,132 --> 01:46:29,257 Hang on, though. Hang on. 2264 01:46:29,341 --> 01:46:30,800 No, don't hurt me. 2265 01:46:35,056 --> 01:46:36,556 Even Steven. 2266 01:46:37,099 --> 01:46:39,642 Father, take off the collar. 2267 01:46:40,478 --> 01:46:42,645 That's right. You're not meant for this. 2268 01:46:43,814 --> 01:46:45,190 -Well... -Yeah. 2269 01:46:45,566 --> 01:46:46,900 Nicely done. 2270 01:46:46,984 --> 01:46:48,401 All right, come on. 2271 01:46:48,986 --> 01:46:50,278 Let's get out of here, Dad. 2272 01:46:51,489 --> 01:46:53,865 Did you hear that? Did you hear that? 2273 01:46:53,949 --> 01:46:55,992 My son called me "Dad!" 2274 01:46:56,619 --> 01:46:57,911 He called me "Dad!" 2275 01:46:57,995 --> 01:47:00,413 That's right! The Berger boys are back, bitches! 2276 01:47:00,498 --> 01:47:03,792 Wassup? 2277 01:47:04,043 --> 01:47:05,668 Wassup... 2278 01:47:13,844 --> 01:47:15,011 Shut up. 2279 01:47:15,096 --> 01:47:17,388 His boss and her brother? 2280 01:47:17,473 --> 01:47:19,057 It sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield joke, 2281 01:47:19,141 --> 01:47:21,142 but it actually happened to my boy here! 2282 01:47:21,519 --> 01:47:24,104 Now we got to find Han Solo one of them new girls. 2283 01:47:24,188 --> 01:47:26,106 One that don't care about all that money he make. 2284 01:47:26,190 --> 01:47:28,608 -No, no. -Yeah, like a girl version 2285 01:47:28,692 --> 01:47:30,777 -of Todd Bridges would be perfect. -That's right! 2286 01:47:30,861 --> 01:47:32,153 Female version of me. That's right. 2287 01:47:32,238 --> 01:47:35,073 Well, you know, I actually might be doing okay in that department, so... 2288 01:47:35,366 --> 01:47:36,366 What's that? 2289 01:47:36,450 --> 01:47:37,617 What the fuck... What the heck? 2290 01:47:37,701 --> 01:47:40,662 Todd and Brie, sitting in a tree. 2291 01:47:40,913 --> 01:47:43,373 I have balls down to my knee! 2292 01:47:43,874 --> 01:47:45,917 -What? -He said it! Yeah! 2293 01:47:46,377 --> 01:47:48,044 -Donny! -Yeah, buddy? 2294 01:47:48,379 --> 01:47:50,964 You're my best friend. I'm gonna miss you. 2295 01:47:52,216 --> 01:47:53,633 I know, I know. 2296 01:47:53,717 --> 01:47:54,801 But there's good news. 2297 01:47:54,885 --> 01:47:56,928 You know what, Miss McGarricle gets out in three years, 2298 01:47:57,012 --> 01:48:00,390 so the timing's kind of perfect for us to start our lives together. 2299 01:48:00,683 --> 01:48:01,891 Dad, let me just give you the money. 2300 01:48:02,184 --> 01:48:03,977 No. No. I'm not gonna do that. 2301 01:48:04,061 --> 01:48:08,022 It's time for Donny Berger to take responsibility for his screw-ups. 2302 01:48:08,357 --> 01:48:10,900 I made my bed, now I got to lie in it. 2303 01:48:11,152 --> 01:48:13,153 Donny! Donny! Are you watching? 2304 01:48:13,237 --> 01:48:14,863 Turn on the TV! Turn it on! 2305 01:48:15,114 --> 01:48:18,825 There he is, the fat guy we've been talking about all day, Tubby Tuke, 2306 01:48:18,909 --> 01:48:22,453 actually gaining on the Ethiopians here in the final stretch. 2307 01:48:22,538 --> 01:48:24,789 Is this the fat guy I put the money on? 2308 01:48:24,874 --> 01:48:26,791 Twenty bucks at 8,000-to-1 . 2309 01:48:27,918 --> 01:48:29,502 -A hundred and sixty grand? -A hundred and sixty grand? 2310 01:48:29,587 --> 01:48:31,087 Come on, you fat shit, move it! 2311 01:48:31,255 --> 01:48:32,755 Go, Tubby! Go, Tubby! 2312 01:48:33,174 --> 01:48:34,674 Keep running! Keep running! 2313 01:48:35,593 --> 01:48:37,343 Pass those Ethiopians! 2314 01:48:37,636 --> 01:48:39,762 Pass them skinny fucking Ethiopians! 2315 01:48:41,807 --> 01:48:44,934 This defies every law of science, but it's happening! 2316 01:48:48,480 --> 01:48:51,482 Get the fuck up! 2317 01:48:54,195 --> 01:48:55,820 He's up! He's up! He's up! 2318 01:48:58,782 --> 01:49:01,367 -That'll replenish him! That'll replenish him! -No! 2319 01:49:02,536 --> 01:49:03,995 Listen to the roar of that crowd. 2320 01:49:04,079 --> 01:49:07,457 Fat guy! Fat guy! 2321 01:49:07,625 --> 01:49:09,209 Can he possibIy win it? 2322 01:49:09,460 --> 01:49:10,460 He's gonna do it! 2323 01:49:12,504 --> 01:49:13,922 Tubby Tuke has won! 2324 01:49:20,429 --> 01:49:23,056 Tubby Tuke wins! Tubby Tuke wins! 168501

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