All language subtitles for Seth.Meyers.2020.07.29.David.Schwimmer.WEB.h264-ROBOTS_track3_eng

>> Announcer: TONIGHT ON "LATE
NIGHT WITH SETH MEYERS" ‐‐

DAVID SCHWIMMER, CREATOR AND
STAR OF "A BLACK LADY SKETCH

SHOW," ROBIN THEDE, AN ALL‐NEW
"CLOSER LOOK," FEATURING THE 8G

BAND WITH FRED ARMISEN
AND NOW, SETH MEYERS

>> Seth: HOW'S EVERYONE DOING
TONIGHT?

I SET AN ALARM YESTERDAY MORNING
FOR 1:30 IN THE AFTERNOON TO

REMIND ME ABOUT A PHONE CALL BUT
I ACCIDENTALLY HIT A. M. INSTEAD

OF P. M
SO IT WENT OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF

THE NIGHT AND LONG STORY SHORT,
WE'RE GETTING A DIVORCE.

I'M JUST KIDDING, BUT OUR LAWYER
ISN'T.

LET'S GET TO THE NEWS.
ATTORNEY GENERAL WILLIAM BARR'S

TESTIMONY BEFORE THE HOUSE
JUDICIARY COMMITTEE WAS DELAYED

BY ALMOST AN HOUR YESTERDAY
AFTER THE PANEL'S CHAIRMAN,

CONGRESSMAN JERRY NADLER, WAS
INVOLVED IN A CAR ACCIDENT

TURNS OUT, HE WAS WEARING HIS
MASK WRONG

DURING BARR'S APPEARANCE
YESTERDAY, CHAIRMAN JERRY NADLER

ACCUSED BARR OF POLITICIZING THE
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT

SAID BARR, "OBJECTION.
DURING ATTORNEY GENERAL

WILLIAM BARR'S APPEARANCE
YESTERDAY BEFORE THE HOUSE

JUDICIARY COMMITTEE, BARR SAID
HE DOES NOT BELIEVE THAT THERE

IS SYSTEMIC RACISM IN LAW
ENFORCEMENT BUT HE DID GO ON TO

SAY, "THANK YOU FOR THE
SUGGESTION

WE'LL CERTAINLY ‐‐ CERTAINLY
GIVE IT A TRY.

WHEN ASKED YESTERDAY ABOUT
INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERT

DR. ANTHONY FAUCI'S APPROVAL
RATING, PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID,

"HE'S GOT THIS HIGH APPROVAL
RATING

SO WHY DON'T I HAVE A HIGH
APPROVAL RATING WITH RESPECT TO

THE VIRUS?
WHICH IS KIND OF LIKE A JETS

PLAYER SAYING, "I DON'T GET IT
THE PATRIOTS ARE WINNING THIS

GAME
I MEAN, HOW COME WE'RE NOT

WINNING THIS GAME?
SAME BALL, SAME FIELD.

I DON'T GET IT."
THAT'S RIGHT, TRUMP QUESTIONED

WHY DR. FAUCI'S APPROVAL RATING
IS SO HIGH WHEN HIS IS SO LOW.

I DON'T KNOW, MAN, MAYBE BECAUSE
HE'S TRYING TO SAVE OUR LIVES.

IF THIS PANDEMIC WAS A GROUP
PROJECT, FAUCI WOULD BE THE

STRAIGHT "A" STUDENT MAKING SURE
IT GETS DONE AND YOU'D BE THE

JOCK WHO KEEPS SAYING, "FLIP A
COIN TO SEE WHOSE NAME GOES ON

TOP FIRST?
IT'S ONLY FAIR."

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN
SAID YESTERDAY HE WILL CHOOSE

HIS RUNNING MATE NEXT WEEK
AND THIS SHOULD MAKE PENCE

NERVOUS, SO DID TRUMP.
ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT,

RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES
ARE USING THREE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

WEBSITES TO SPREAD FALSE
INFORMATION ABOUT CORONAVIRUS IN

THE U. S.
IT'S FACEBOOK, TWITTER AND

WHITEHOUSE.GOV
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID IN AN

INTERVIEW YESTERDAY THAT HE HAS
NEVER CONFRONTED RUSSIAN

PRESIDENT VLADIMIR PUTIN WITH
INTELLIGENCE, INDICATING HIS

SECURITY SERVICES PAID THE
TALIBAN TO KILL U. S. TROOPS AND

ADDED, QUOTE, "IF IT HAD REACHED
MY DESK, I WOULD HAVE DONE

SOMETHING ABOUT IT."
WELL, DID YOU EVER THINK MAYBE

THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ROOM ON YOUR
DESK

"SIR, WE'D HAVE SOMETHING WE'D
LIKE TO GET ON YOUR DESK

IMMEDIATELY.
"THERE'S A BIT OF A ‐‐ BIT OF A

BEAN JAM RIGHT NOW
LITTLE BACK‐UP ON THE BEAN

PRODUCTS, SO MAYBE NEXT WEEK
STOP BACK AND I'LL SEE IF I CAN

WORK THROUGH THE BEANS."
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS

INTRODUCED A BILL YESTERDAY TO
PROVIDE A REUSABLE MASK FOR

EVERY AMERICAN
SAID BERNIE, "AND HERE IT IS,

EVERYBODY GETS IT FOR
15 MINUTES

WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH IT, WASH
IT, GIVE IT TO THE NEXT PERSON."

BEEN A WHILE SINCE I'VE DONE A
BERNIE AND I THINK THE

IMPRESSION MAYBE SUFFERED A
LITTLE BIT BECAUSE OF THAT

A BREWERY CALLED THE BALLISTIC
BEER COMPANY ANNOUNCED THAT IT

HAS RECALLED THEIR TWANG
BRAMBLEBERRY SOUR BEER FROM

STORES BECAUSE CANS OF IT WERE
EXPLODING AND BECAUSE WHITE

PEOPLE IN BROOKLYN WERE NAMING
THEIR BABIES AFTER IT.

"TWANG BRAMBLEBERRY, IT IS NOT
YOUR TURN ON THE SWINGS.

TWANG ‐‐ TWANG ‐
[ LAUGHTER ]

TWANG BRAMBLEBERRY SOUR.
TWANG BRAMBLEBERRY SOUR, YOU

COME RIGHT HERE.
ACCORDING TO A ‐

[ LIGHT LAUGHTER ]
TBS.

ACCORDING TO A NEW REPORT, THE
DRUGSTORE CHAIN RITE AID ADDED

FACIAL RECOGNITION SYSTEMS TO
200 STORES ACROSS THE COUNTRY

OVER THE LAST EIGHT YEARS.
INCIDENTALLY, EIGHT YEARS AGO

WAS THE LAST TIME SOMEONE
SPOTTED A RITE AID EMPLOYEE.

"HELLO
HELLO, ANYONE?

SOMEONE UNLOCK THE RAZORS?
PRODUCERS HAVE ANNOUNCED THAT

"WHEEL OF FORTUNE" WILL RESUME
PRODUCTION WITH A REDESIGNED

WHEEL THAT ENSURES CONTESTANTS
ARE SIX FEET APART

AND ON "THE PRICE IS RIGHT,"
THEY MADE DREW CAREY'S

MICROPHONE EVEN LONGER
FINALLY, ACCORDING TO A NEW

STUDY, PEOPLE OVER SIX FEET TALL
ARE MORE LIKELY TO GET THE

CORONAVIRUS.
"THAT'S A RELIEF," SAID EVERY

MAN ON TINDER WHO'S BEEN LYING
ABOUT HIS HEIGHT

AND THAT, YOU GUYS, IS A
MONOLOGUE.

WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

I'LL BE TALKING TO
DAVID SCHWIMMER ABOUT HIS NEW

COMEDY ON PEACOCK.
AND OUR FRIEND, ROBIN THEDE WILL

BE HERE.
SHE CREATED "A BLACK LADY SKETCH

SHOW."
AND YESTERDAY, GOT THREE EMMY

NOMINATIONS.
I'M SO EXCITED TO TALK TO ROBIN.

BUT FIRST, "A CLOSER LOOK.
HELLO, EVERYONE.

AND WELCOME BACK TO THE
CAPTAIN'S QUARTERS

I'VE NOW BEEN TRAPPED INSIDE
WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE SINCE MARCH.

AND AS SOME OF YOU HAVE NOTICED,
I'VE GONE A LITTLE INSANE.

WEIRD THINGS HAVE BEEN HAPPENING
TO MY HAIR

I BEFRIENDED THE WASPS IN MY
ATTIC.

AND FOR SOME REASON, I EVEN WENT
ON A LENGTHY AND IRRELEVANT RANT

ABOUT A 20‐ YEAR‐OLD TV SHOW FOR
TEENS, "DAWSON'S CREEK."

>> YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, SETH.
A CREEK IS JUST A TINY OCEAN

>> Seth: WHO WOULD SAY THAT AND
WHY?

OH, RIGHT, I'VE ALSO BECOME
FRIENDS WITH A TALKING PAINTING.

AND BY THE WAY I'M AWARE THAT
THE SEA CAPTAIN CHARACTER HAS

BEEN DIVISIVE.
SOME OF YOU LOVE HIM

SOME OF YOU HATE HIM, DAD.
SOME OF YOU ARE JUST CONFUSED AS

TO WHY WE'VE CHOSEN TO INVEST SO
MUCH OF OUR TIME AND ENERGY INTO

THIS BIT
SO WE HAVE DECIDED TO SETTLE

THIS DEBATE ONCE AND FOR ALL
WITH A POLL. SHOULD WE KEEP THE

SEA CAPTAIN?
YES OR NO.

TO VOTE, JUST LOG ON TO
WWW.GOOGLE.COM, TYPE IN SEA

CAPTAIN, BUT DON'T CLICK SEARCH.
TAKE A SCREEN SHOT, PRINT IT

OUT, WRITE YES OR NO ON IT WITH
A SHARPIE, AND THEN MAIL IT TO

WHEREVER YOUR BEST GUESS IS FOR
THE ADDRESS I'M FILMING THE SHOW

AT
WE WILL REVEAL THE POLL RESULTS

AT THE END OF THE SUMMER
>> THE ONLY POLE I'M INTERESTED

IN IS A FISHING POLE
>> Seth: JOKES LIKE THAT AREN'T

HELPING YOUR CHANCES OF STICKING
AROUND, SEA CAPTAIN.

>> OKAY.
>> Seth: SPEAKING OF PSYCHOSIS,

PRESIDENT TRUMP AND HIS ALLIES
IN THE RIGHT WING MEDIA ARE ONCE

AGAIN AMPLIFYING AN UNHINGED
VIRAL VIDEO LYING ABOUT THE

CORONAVIRUS.
FOR MORE ON THIS, IT'S TIME FOR
"A CLOSER LOOK."

♪
>> Seth: AS THE CORONAVIRUS

PANDEMIC HAS SPREAD OUT OF
CONTROL, SO HAS MISINFORMATION

ABOUT IT
IF YOU HAVE FACEBOOK, OR AN

UNCLE WHO STILL WEARS HIS CLASS
RING, YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD SOME

OF IT.
I'M PRETTY SURE WE'VE ALL GOTTEN

AT LEAST ONE EMAIL FROM A
RELATIVE DURING THIS WHOLE THING

WITH THE SUBJECT LINE LIKE,
"FORWARD, FORWARD, FORWARD,

CORONAVIRUS CAN BE CURED BY
SWALLOWING A CANDLE AND STICKING

GARLIC UP YOUR BUTT.
WHEN WE ALL KNOW THAT SWALLOWING

A CANDLE AND STICKING GARLIC UP
YOUR BUTT IS NUMBER THREE ON

GOOP'S TOP TEN WAYS TO RELAX ON
A JOB INTERVIEW.

AND IT WON'T SHOCK YOU TO LEARN
THAT A LOT OF THE MISINFORMATION

CAN BE FOUND ON FACEBOOK, THE
WEBSITE YOU SIGNED UP FOR JUST

TO SEE IF YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH
GOT MARRIED TO THAT SON OF A

BITCH, JEFF.
WELL, A, THEY DID.

AND B, THEY ALSO WENT CRAZY.
A REPORT IN APRIL COLLECTED SOME

OF THE MOST POPULAR CORONAVIRUS
MYTHS CIRCULATING ON FACEBOOK.

SOME EXAMPLES INCLUDE
CORONAVIRUS CAN BE DESTROYED BY

CHLORINE DIOXIDE.
OREGANO OIL PROVES EFFECTIVE

AGAINST CORONAVIRUS.
THERE WAS A POST CLAIMING YOU

CAN HOLD YOUR BREATH FOR TEN
SECONDS TO TEST YOURSELF FOR

CORONAVIRUS.
AND ANOTHER ALLEGING THAT

SOMEONE NAMED DR. MARIO PESARESI
HAD REVEALED THAT INHALING STEAM

IS A NATURAL REMEDY FOR
CORONAVIRUS.

WELL, IF STEAM CURES DISEASE,
THAT WOULD FINALLY EXPLAIN WHY

ALL NEW YORKERS ON SUBWAYS LOOK
SO HALE AND HEARTY

THE L TRAIN IS MORE RESTORATIVE
THAN AN ICELANDIC SPA.

SECOND, I DON'T KNOW WHO
DR. MARIO PESARESI IS, BUT HE

SOUNDS LIKE A DOCTOR
PAULIE WALNUTS WOULD BE FRIENDS

WITH ON "THE SOPRANOS.
"WHAT'S THAT SMELL?"

"OH, THAT'S ME, TON.
DR. PESARESI TOLD ME IF I PUT

PROVOLONE IN MY PANTS, IT WOULD
CURE MY YOU‐ KNOW‐WHAT."

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT."
"I GOT A GENITAL DISCHARGE."

"OH, WE'RE EATING HERE!"
BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE OFFENDED,

YOU SHOULD KNOW THE WRITER WHO
WROTE THAT IS ITALIAN‐AMERICAN

>> OH, ITALY, THE NEW JERSEY OF
EUROPE

>> Seth: SO IS THE WRITER WHO
WROTE THAT

MUAHH.
NOW, YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD SOME

OF THE MORE INFAMOUS AND
LUDICROUS CONSPIRACY THEORIES

LIKE THE IDEA THAT 5G MOBILE
TOWERS ARE SPREADING CORONAVIRUS

OR THAT IT WAS CREATED BY
BILL GATES AS A WAY TO IMPLANT

CHIPS INTO PEOPLE THROUGH
VACCINES

UNFORTUNATELY, THESE IDEAS
AREN'T JUST CONFINED TO DARK

CORNERS OF THE INTERNET.
THEY OFTEN MAKE THEIR WAY INTO

THE REAL WORLD AS WE SAW IN
APRIL WHEN RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY

THEORIST ALEX JONES SHOWED UP TO
AN ANTI‐LOCKDOWN PROTEST IN

TEXAS.
YOU REMEMBER ALEX JONES, THE GUY

WHO ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE HE'S
TRYING TO HULK OUT BUT CAN'T

I THINK BECAUSE INSTEAD OF GAMMA
RAYS HE WAS HIT BY HAMA RAYS

>> I LIKE IT
>> Seth: JONES LED THE CROWD IN
CHANTS OF "ARREST BILL GATES."

>> ARREST BILL GATES
ARREST BILL GATES.

ARREST BILL GATES.
>> Seth: THE ONLY POLICE WHO

SHOULD ARREST BILL GATES ARE THE
FASHION POLICE

"BILL, WHY CAN'T YOU FIND A TIE
THAT GOES DOWN TO YOUR WAIST

YOU LOOK LIKE THE ASSISTANT
MANAGER AT A GAME STOP

YOU AND TRUMP NEED TO SPLIT THE
DIFFERENCE

YOU'RE AN I. T. BILLIONAIRE
STOP DRESSING LIKE AN I. T. GUY."

AND THEN THERE ARE THE VIRAL
VIDEOS, WHICH MIGHT SEEM AT

FIRST GLANCE TO COME FROM
REPUTABLE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS,

REPEATING SOME OF THE WILDEST
DEBUNKED CONSPIRACY THEORIES

ABOUT THE ORIGINS OR EFFECTS OF
COVID‐19

LIKE THAT INFAMOUS "PLANDEMIC"
VIDEO, FEATURING SYOSSET

STEVIE NICKS, A PERSON WHO
CLAIMS, AMONG OTHER THINGS, THAT

MASKS CAN SOMEHOW "ACTIVATE"
CORONAVIRUS, THAT BEACHES

SHOULDN'T BE CLOSED BECAUSE THEY
HAVE RESTORATIVE PROPERTIES THAT

CURE DISEASES, AND THAT
DR. ANTHONY FAUCI, THE NATION'S

TOP EXPERT ON INFECTIOUS
DISEASES, WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR

THE CREATION OF THE CORONAVIRUS
WHICH IS RIDICULOUS FOR MANY

REASONS.
I MEAN, IF THE GUY COULD CREATE

A HIGHLY INFECTIOUS VIRUS IN A
LAB AS PART OF A SECRET PLOT TO

SELL A MONEY‐MAKING VACCINE,
DON'T YOU THINK HE COULD ALSO

LEARN HOW TO THROW A BASEBALL?
AND THEN THERE WERE THOSE TWO

URGENT CARE DOCTORS FROM
BAKERSFIELD, CALIFORNIA, WHO

FALSELY CLAIMED IN A VIRAL
YOUTUBE VIDEO THAT THE VIRUS

JUST WASN'T AS DEADLY AS MOST
OTHER EXPERTS BELIEVED

THEY BASED THAT CLAIM ON SOME
EXTREMELY FAULTY DATA, WHICH

THEY ARRIVED AT THROUGH SOME
TRULY TERRIBLE MATH.

BASICALLY, THEY CLAIMED THAT A
LOT MORE PEOPLE IN CALIFORNIA

HAD BEEN INFECTED WITH THE
CORONAVIRUS, WHICH WOULD MAKE

THE PERCENTAGE OF CASES THAT
RESULT IN DEATH A LOT SMALLER.

AND THEY ARRIVED AT THAT
CONCLUSION, IN PART, BY TAKING

THE RATE OF POSITIVE TESTS AT
THE CLINICS THEY OWN AND JUST

EXTRAPOLATING THAT RATE TO THE
ENTIRE CALIFORNIA POPULATION,

WHICH MAKES NO SENSE
THE PEOPLE WHO WALK INTO AN

URGENT CARE CLINIC BECAUSE THEY
THINK THEY MIGHT BE SICK AREN'T

A REPRESENTATIVE SAMPLE OF THE
ENTIRE POPULATION.

I MEAN, I KNOW I'VE DEFINITELY
GONE TO URGENT CARE LIKE FOUR OR

FIVE TIMES TO ASK THEM ABOUT A
WEIRD RASH AND BEEN TOLD IT'S

JUST NEW YORK SKIN
COULD BE BEDBUGS

COULD BE A RAT BITE.
COULD BE HEAT RASH FROM HAVING

YOUR RADIATOR STUCK ON HIGH ALL
WINTER

COULD BE RADIATION FROM A
COCKROACH IN YOUR KITCHEN

SMOKING A CIGARETTE.
"I'M YOUR NEW ROOMMATE

AND NO, I WON'T WEAR A MASK.
WE NEED TO GET ORGANIC SOAPS."

AS ONE BIOLOGIST ‐‐ "I'M SORRY
I DRAW THE LINE AT SOAPS."

AS ONE BIOLOGIST WHO SPECIALIZES
IN INFECTIOUS DISEASE MODELING

PUT IT, THE DOCTORS' METHOD WAS
A BIT LIKE ESTIMATING THE

AVERAGE HEIGHT OF AMERICANS FROM
THE PLAYERS ON AN NBA COURT

WHICH IS RIDICULOUS.
YOU CAN'T ESTIMATE THE AVERAGE

HEIGHT OF AMERICANS FROM THE
PLAYERS ON AN NBA COURT.

HOWEVER, YOU CAN ESTIMATE THE
AVERAGE BASKETBALL SKILL LEVEL

OF AMERICANS FROM THE PLAYERS ON
THE KNICKS

AND BOTH OF THESE CASES, THOSE
VIDEOS ARE NOT JUST SEEN BY

MILLIONS OF PEOPLE BEFORE BEING
TAKEN DOWN, THEY WERE ALSO

AMPLIFIED BY RIGHT‐WING MEDIA.
THE SINCLAIR BROADCAST GROUP HAD

PLANNED TO AIR AN INTERVIEW WITH
THE STAR OF "PLANDEMIC" THIS

PAST WEEKEND UNTIL IT BACKED
DOWN AFTER AN OUTCRY

ALTHOUGH, EVEN IN THEIR
STATEMENT WITHDRAWING THE

SEGMENT, THEY ALSO SEEMED TO
DEFEND THEIR INITIAL DECISION A

LITTLE, WRITING, "WE'RE A
SUPPORTER OF FREE SPEECH AND A

MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS AND
VIEWPOINTS, EVEN IF INCREDIBLY

CONTROVERSIAL.
THAT'S NOT A JUSTIFICATION FOR

JUST SAYING WHATEVER YOU WANT
WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES

YOU GUYS LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THE
MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS, BUT ACTUAL

MARKETPLACES ARE ALSO FREE TO
IMPOSE THEIR OWN RULES

BECAUSE IF YOU JUST LET EVERYONE
AND EVERYTHING INTO THE

MARKETPLACE, YOU GET ETSY.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MARK.

"OH, A DREAM CATCHER MADE OF OLD
FRESCA CANS, YOU SHOULDN'T

HAVE."
AND I'M NOT SAYING FREE SPEECH

SHOULD BE REGULATED BY THE
GOVERNMENT, BUT WE CAN DO THINGS

LIKE SAY BREAK UP BIG TECH
COMPANIES SO THEY DON'T HAVE SO

MUCH MONOPOLY POWER.
ALSO, A MARKETPLACE OF IDEAS,

JUST LIKE A MARKETPLACE OF
GOODS, SHOULD BE RESPONSIVE TO

CRITICISM.
IN A REAL MARKETPLACE, YOU CAN'T

JUST OPEN A STORE CALLED
"ARSENIC‐FIL‐A" OR "TOYS R US

AND US TOYS R KNIVES" AND THEN
SAY, "YOU CAN'T CRITICIZE ME

IT'S THE FREE MARKET."
DANGEROUS MISINFORMATION LIKE

THIS HAS BEEN SURGING DURING THE
PANDEMIC, OFTEN WITH THE HELP OF

PROMINENT FIGURES ON THE RIGHT
THE LATEST EXAMPLE IS A FACEBOOK

VIDEO STAGED AND FUNDED BY A
RIGHT‐WING DARK MONEY GROUPS

THE VIDEO, WHICH WAS VIEWED BY
OVER 20 MILLION PEOPLE BEFORE

BEING TAKEN DOWN, CLAIMED YOU
DON'T NEED TO WEAR A MASK

BECAUSE THE ANTI‐MALARIA DRUG
HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE IS A CURE FOR

CORONAVIRUS, EVEN THOUGH IT'S
BEEN REPEATEDLY DISPROVEN BY

STUDY AFTER STUDY.
JUST LAST WEEK, THERE WAS YET

ANOTHER STUDY, PUBLISHED IN "THE
NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MEDICINE"

WHICH FOUND THAT
HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE DOES NOT HELP

COVID‐ 19 PATIENTS
NO DRUG HAS BEEN STUDIED THIS

MUCH ‐
"SINCE THOSE TROUBLEMAKERS AT

PSI U CONDUCTED AN EXPERIMENT TO
SEE WHICH STRAIN OF MARIJUANA

MAKES DORITOS TASTE BETTER
I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY, GENTLEMEN,

YOU'VE ALL FLUNKED OUT."
AND BELIEVE ME, WE ALL WISH

HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE ACTUALLY
WORKED

WE WISH EVERYTHING WORKED.
EVERYONE WISHES THERE WAS A CURE

FOR CORONAVIRUS.
NO ONE WANTS TO BE TRAPPED

INSIDE FOR THIS LONG
IF HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE REALLY

WORKED, I'D TAKE AN UBER POOL TO
TIMES SQUARE TO GET COUGHED ON

BY A TOURIST JUST FOR OLD TIME'S
SAKE

OH, TIMES SQUARE
WHERE ELSE IN THE WORLD CAN YOU

GET M&Ms
I CAN'T WAIT TO BE FIRST IN LINE

AT MY LOCAL BODEGA ORDERING A
BACON, EGG AND CHEESE.

WELL, NO, WITH MY LUCK, I'D BE
SECOND IN LINE BEHIND A

CONSTRUCTION WORKER PLACING AN
ORDER FOR HIS ENTIRE CREW.

"ON THE FIFTH SANDWICH, I NEED
PEPPER AND LIGHT HOT SAUCE."

I MISS YOU, FRIEND
I HAVE CURSED YOU UNDER MY

BREATH, BUT I DO MISS YOU NOW.
BUT ALL THE STUDIES TELL US

HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE DOESN'T WORK
AND PUSHING IT IS DANGEROUS,

ESPECIALLY, ESPECIALLY FOR
PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY NEED IT FOR

CONDITIONS LIKE LUPUS.
AFTER THE PRESIDENT BEGAN

TOUTING HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE FOR
CORONAVIRUS EARLIER THIS YEAR,

LUPUS PATIENTS STRUGGLED TO GET
IT WITH ONE TELLING "USA TODAY"

THAT BECAUSE SHE WAS UNABLE TO
FILL HER PRESCRIPTION, SHE IS

RATIONING HER PILLS, TAKING A
HALF‐PILL EVERY DAY, A QUARTER

OF HER NORMAL DOSAGE
THAT'S HORRIBLE.

LUPUS PATIENTS BASICALLY HAVE TO
MICRODOSE A LIFE‐SAVING

MEDICATION THE SAME WAY YOUR
RECENTLY DIVORCED AUNT

MICRODOSES LSD
"IF I TAKE THE RIGHT AMOUNT,

IT'S ALMOST LIKE STEVE NEVER
EXISTED IN THIS UNIVERSE."

AND YET, BECAUSE THEY'VE FAILED
ON THE PANDEMIC RESPONSE, AND

BECAUSE THEY'RE DESPERATE FOR A
MAGIC FIX THAT WILL MAKE THE

CRISIS GO AWAY, PROMINENT
FIGURES ON THE RIGHT ARE NOW

PUSHING THE DISCREDITED
HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE VIDEO

THE PRESIDENT'S SON, DON JR.,
HAD HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT

PARTIALLY LOCKED FOR 12 HOURS
AFTER TWEETING THE VIDEO TO HIS

FIVE MILLION FOLLOWERS
AND THEN LAST NIGHT, HE WENT ON
FOX NEWS TO COMPLAIN

>> NOW, TWITTER TAKES ME DOWN
FOR

THAT BUT TWITTER HAS NO PROBLEM
SAYING THAT CORONAVIRUS

DISINFORMATION SPREAD BY THE
CHINESE GOVERNMENT DOES NOT

VIOLATE THEIR RULES.
THAT'S INTERESTING

JAKE TAPPER HIMSELF, A FEW WEEKS
AGO, POSTED, "STUDY FINDS

HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE HELPED
CORONAVIRUS PATIENTS SURVIVE

BETTER."
NOW, WHY IS JAKE TAPPER NOT

SPREADING MISINFORMATION BUT I
SOMEHOW AM

>> Seth: IT'S FUN WHEN A DUMB
GUY BRINGS PRINTOUTS TO AN

INTERVIEW.
IT'S LIKE WHEN THE JOCK ON

CAMPUS CARRIES AROUND A BOOK TO
IMPRESS GIRLS.

"OH, THIS?
YEAH, I WAS JUST READING ABOUT

MY FAVORITE AUTHOR,
ERNEST HEMINGWAY

HE WENT TO JAIL.
THEY MADE A MOVIE ABOUT IT."

OH, WAIT, WAIT
I'M SORRY.

WHAT'S ON ONE OF THOSE
PRINTOUTS?

OH, MAN.
>> WHAT IS IT?

I CAN'T SEE.
>> Seth: NOTHING

AND BY THE WAY, THERE'S A HUGE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A JOURNALIST

TWEETING A LINK TO A NEWS STORY
AND WHAT YOU TWEETED OUT

AT LEAST HE TWEETED A LINK TO A
REPUTABLE NEWS ORGANIZATION

REPORTING ON A STUDY THAT PUT
THE FINDINGS IN PROPER CONTEXT

AND USED CAUTIOUS LANGUAGE
WHEREAS YOU JUST TWEETED OUT A

VIDEO FUNDED BY A RIGHT WING
DARK MONEY GROUP WITH A DOCTOR

CALLING HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE A,
QUOTE, "CURE FOR CORONAVIRUS."

A DOCTOR, BY THE WAY, WHO ALSO
CLAIMS THAT GYNECOLOGICAL

PROBLEMS ARE, IN FACT, CAUSED BY
PEOPLE HAVING SEX IN THEIR

DREAMS WITH DEMONS AND WITCHES,
THAT ALIEN DNA IS CURRENTLY USED

IN MEDICAL TREATMENTS AND
SCIENTISTS ARE COOKING UP A

VACCINE TO PREVENT PEOPLE FROM
BEING RELIGIOUS AND THAT THE

GOVERNMENT IS RUN IN PART NOT BY
HUMANS BUT BY REPTILES AND OTHER

ALIENS
"HEY, TON, I FIGURED OUT WHERE

THAT DISCHARGE CAME FROM
I HAD DREAM SEX WITH A DEMON."

"OH!
WE'RE STILL EATING HERE.

DEMON SPERM SOUNDS LIKE A
CATCHPHRASE ON "CHURCH CHAT:

AFTER DARK."
"LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR THROBBING

LOINS AND PULSATING BUTTOCKS
IS IT POSSIBLE YOU'RE INFECTED

WITH, COULD IT BE, DEMON SPERM?"
SIDE NOTE.

I'M VERY CLOSE TO HAVING EARLY
1990s DANA CARVEY HAIR ALTHOUGH

I'M EVEN CLOSER TO
DENNIS MILLER.

OH, MAN.
HAVE THOSE '90s MILLER LOCKS

THAT'S THE DREAM
>> BACK TO THE LOOK, JOCKO

>> Seth: SEE
HE SERVES A PURPOSE.

ALSO, IF THEY WERE REALLY USING
DNA IN TREATMENTS, TRUMP

DEFINITELY WOULD HAVE ASKED
FAUCI ABOUT IT

"FAUCI, JUST SPITBALLING HERE.
WHAT IF WE CAUGHT AN ALIEN AND

JUST LET IT ATTACH ITSELF TO
YOUR FACE?

YOU KNOW, LIKE A BIG HAND?
I'M HEARING VERY GOOD THINGS

FROM MY FRIENDS AT THE
WEYLAND‐YUTANI CORPORATION,

FAUCI.
SERIOUSLY, DOES SHE ACTUALLY

PRACTICE MEDICINE?
FILLING OUT THOSE INSURANCE

FORMS MUST BE A NIGHTMARE.
HAVE YOU RECENTLY, ONE, TRAVELED

ABROAD, TWO, VISITED A FARM,
THREE, BONED A DEMON

SERIOUSLY, WHO ON EARTH COULD
POSSIBLY TRUST A DOCTOR LIKE

THIS
OH, GOD.
WHY'D I ASK?

>> THERE WAS A ‐‐ A WOMAN WHO
WAS

SPECTACULAR IN HER STATEMENTS
ABOUT IT, THAT SHE'S HAD

TREMENDOUS SUCCESS WITH IT
AND THEY TOOK HER ‐‐ THEY TOOK

HER VOICE OFF.
I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY TOOK HER

OFF BUT THEY TOOK HER OFF.
I CAN TELL YOU THIS.

SHE WAS ON AIR, ALONG WITH MANY
OTHER DOCTORS.

THEY WERE BIG FANS OF
HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE

AND I THOUGHT SHE WAS VERY
IMPRESSIVE

I WAS VERY IMPRESSED WITH HER
AND OTHER DOCTORS THAT STOOD

WITH HER
I THINK SHE MADE SENSE

>> Seth: COOL, SO, TRUMP WON'T
LISTEN TO THE RENOWNED

INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERT WHO
ACTUALLY WORKS FOR HIM BUT HE

LOVES THE DEMON SPERM LADY
WAS HE LIKE THIS WHEN HE LIVED

IN NEW YORK?
BECAUSE NEW YORK IS FILLED WITH

PEOPLE LIKE THIS
IF YOU GO TO A COMMUNITY BOARD

MEETING, THERE'S ALWAYS AT LEAST
ONE DEMON SPERM GUY.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW THE MEETING
IS ENDING.

"ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE
MORE ISSUE

YES, YOU, SIR?
"YEAH, I GOT A QUESTION.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT
THE DEMON SPERM ON THE STATUE IN

THE PARK?"
"SIR, FOR THE LAST TIME, THAT'S

PIGEON POOP.
"THAT'S WHAT AZAZEL WANTS YOU TO

THINK.
"WE'RE ADJOURNED."

ALTHOUGH, I GUESS TRUMP IS USED
TO HEARING CRAZY STUFF FROM

DOCTORS SINCE THIS GUY WAS HIS
DOCTOR

"HEY, MAN, YOU WANT TO TRY THIS
ALIEN VACCINE I'VE BEEN WORKING

ON
IT'S HERE SOMEWHERE.

SOY SAUCE PACKET, SOY SAUCE
PACKET, HONEY MUSTARD.

HERE WE ARE, COCAINE
OH, DID I SAY VACCINE?

I MEANT COCAINE.
DANGEROUS CORONAVIRUS

MISINFORMATION IS SURGING ON
SOCIAL MEDIA

AND IT'S BEING AMPLIFIED BY THE
PRESIDENT AND HIS BACKERS

BECAUSE THEY KNOW THEIR RESPONSE
TO THE PANDEMIC HAS BEEN A

COLOSSAL FAILURE
JUST STEP BACK AND CONSIDER HOW

INSANE THIS IS
THE PRESIDENT CAN'T BE BOTHERED

TO FOCUS ON THE THINGS THAT
ACTUALLY WORK, LIKE TESTING,

CONTACT TRACING, ISOLATION OR
MASK‐WEARING, BUT IF A CRAZY

PERSON POSTS A VIDEO CLAIMING
LIZARD PEOPLE ARE MAKING ALIEN
VACCINES, HIS RESPONSE IS ‐‐

>> THAT'S INTERESTING.
>> Seth: "THAT'S THE LOOK,

FOLKS.
AND I AM OUT OF HERE."

♪
SO MANY NEW YORKERS ARE TURNING

TO CITY HARVEST FOR HELP FEEDING
THEIR FAMILIES AND THEY NEED

YOUR SUPPORT NOW MORE THAN EVER.
THERE'S A WEBSITE BELOW TO

DONATE
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH

DAVID SCHWIMMER.
♪

♪
>> FOR MORE OF SETH'S "CLOSER

LOOKS," BE SURE SUBSCRIBE TO
"LATE NIGHT" ON YOUTUBE.

>> Seth: OUR FIRST GUEST TONIGHT
IS AN EMMY‐NOMINATED ACTOR YOU

KNOW FROM HIS WORK IN "AMERICAN
CRIME STORY," "BAND OF

BROTHERS," AND OF COURSE
"FRIENDS."

HE STARS IN THE NEW COMEDY
SERIES "INTELLIGENCE" WHICH IS

CURRENTLY STREAMING ON PEACOCK
HERE'S MY CONVERSATION WITH
DAVID SCHWIMMER.

HOW ARE YOU?
>> I'M GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU, SETH?
>> Seth: I'M DOING VERY WELL

CONGRATS ON YOUR NEW SHOW.
I'M VERY JEALOUS

I FEEL LIKE FOR A LONG TIME MY
DREAM WAS TO SHOOT A COMEDY IN

ENGLAND AND THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
YOU GOT TO DO.

>> YEAH.
I FEEL REALLY, REALLY BLESSED,

ACTUALLY
IT'S A LOT OF FUN TO WORK IN ‐‐

IN THE UK.
>> Seth: AND YOU ‐‐ DID YOU KNOW

THE CREATOR OF THIS SHOW
HOW DID YOU GET INVOLVED IN THE

FIRST PLACE?
>> YEAH, HE'S A BUDDY OF MINE,

NICK MOHAMMED.
YOU KNOW, HE AND THIS OTHER

WRITER AND ACTOR, JULIA DAVIS,
HAD CREATED A SHOW THAT THEY

WERE THINKING ABOUT ADDING AN
AMERICAN CHARACTER TO.

THIS WAS A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO
SO I WENT OUT TO LONDON TO DO

ABOUT A WEEK OF IMPROV WITH THEM
AND JUST KIND OF FIND THAT

CHARACTER AND FIND WHO THIS GUY
WOULD BE

WE DISCOVERED A REALLY FUN
DYNAMIC BETWEEN NICK AND I OF

KIND OF A DIFFERENCE IN STATUS,
OF POWER

AND I GUESS NICK REALLY LOVED
THAT DYNAMIC

AND WE HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME
WORKING TOGETHER THAT ABOUT A

YEAR LATER HE JUST EMAILED ME
THIS IDEA.

AND I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS ‐‐ I
WAS JUST SO TICKLED BY THE IDEA

OF A WORKPLACE COMEDY SET IN THE
HIGH‐STAKES WORLD OF NATIONAL

SECURITY AND CYBER TERRORISM
THAT I ‐‐ AND THIS GUY WHO'S

SUCH A POMPOUS AMERICAN
BLOWHARD

I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS A REALLY
FUN OPPORTUNITY.

SO ‐
>> Seth: IT DOES SEEM LIKE A

CHARACTER THAT YOU SINK YOUR
TEETH INTO

DID YOU KNOW FROM THE EARLY
CREATION OF THE CHARACTER OR THE

FACT THAT IT WAS THIS WORKPLACE
INTELLIGENCE COMEDY THAT YOU

WANTED TO BE THE BRASH SORT OF
BLOWHARDY AMERICAN CHARACTER

>> THAT'S KIND OF WHO HE WAS
FROM THE OFFSET.

AND WE WORKED ON IT THEN
TOGETHER FOR ABOUT A YEAR, YEAR

AND A HALF, TRYING TO FIND ‐‐
TRYING TO FIND THIS GUY WHO, TO

ME, IS INSPIRED FROM A LOT OF
MEN IN POWER IN OUR ‐‐

>> Seth: YEAH.
>> IN OUR COUNTRY, AND PROBABLY

HIS.
THIS, YOU KNOW ‐‐ THIS MOSTLY

IGNORANT NARCISSIST AND
CASUALLY ‐‐ CASUALLY SEXIST AND

RACIST AND HOMOPHOBIC AND ‐‐ AND
VERY PATRIOTIC, MOSTLY BECAUSE

HE'S NEVER BEEN OUT OF THE
UNITED STATES IN HIS LIFE.

>> Seth: RIGHT
WERE YOU ‐‐ YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY

WE BOTH HAVE BACKGROUNDS AS
IMPROVISERS BUT I HAVEN'T DONE

IT FOR SO LONG
I THINK I WOULD BE A LITTLE

TERRIFIED IF SOMEBODY SAID,
"HEY, LET'S GO ‐‐

LET'S IMPROVISE.
DID YOU ‐‐ WAS IT ALL ‐‐ DID IT

ALL COME BACK TO YOU, OR WAS IT
SCARY?

>> IT WAS ‐‐ IT WASN'T SCARY,
BUT I ‐‐ YOU KNOW, I ‐‐ I KNOW

YOUR BACKGROUND OF IMPROV AND
BOOM CHICAGO AND EVERYTHING.

BUT ‐‐ YOU KNOW, I LEARNED EARLY
ON FROM WHEN I WAS IN AN IMPROV

GROUP WITH COLBERT THAT I ‐‐ HE
JUST OUTCLASSED ME

YOU KNOW
SO, I ‐‐ I KIND OF APPROACH IT

WHEN I'M IN ‐‐ I THINK IT'S A
LITTLE ‐‐ I APPROACH IT MORE

LIKE AN ACTOR IN CHARACTER
AS LONG AS I'VE GOT A REALLY

SOLID CHARACTER AND KIND OF AN
IDEA OF WHAT THE SCENE'S ABOUT,

I FEEL PERMISSION TO IMPROV.
AND NICK IS SO GOOD.

HE'S AS GOOD AS YOU AND COLBERT
AT IT.

SO I FEEL LIKE HE CARRIED ME,
PRETTY MUCH.

>> Seth: YOU ‐‐ SO YOU BROUGHT
UP COLBERT, NOW I NEED TO SAY

IT
COLBERT, YOU, MYSELF, OUR OTHER

GUEST TONIGHT, ROBIN THEDE, ALL
GRADUATES OF NORTHWESTERN

UNIVERSITY
>> YEAH.

>> Seth: I KNOW WE TALKED ABOUT
IT BEFORE, YOU SPOKE AT MY

GRADUATION
AND I KNOW THAT'S LIKE ‐‐

THERE'S A GOOD AND BAD TO THAT
'CAUSE ONE, I FEEL LIKE I'M ‐‐

I'M AGE SHAMING YOU.
BUT TWO ‐‐

>> YOU ARE
YOU ARE.

THANK YOU FOR THAT
THANKS

>> Seth: THE BEST COMMENCEMENT
SPEECH I'VE EVER ‐‐ I MEAN I

HAVEN'T HEARD THAT MANY, BUT IT
WAS OUTSTANDING.

>> THANK YOU
>> Seth: THEN ‐‐ SO RIGHT OUT OF

COLLEGE, DID YOU ‐‐ I KNOW
LOOKINGGLASS, YOUR THEATER

COMPANY IN CHICAGO, WAS THAT
RIGHT OUT OF COLLEGE THAT YOU

STARTED THAT
>> YEAH, WE STARTED UPON

GRADUATION, ACTUALLY, FROM
NORTHWESTERN

MAYBE BECAUSE WE JUST DIDN'T
WANT ‐‐ WE WERE TOO SCARED TO

ENTER THE REAL WORLD
BUT, YEAH, WE ‐‐ WE REALLY WERE

HUNGRY AND DETERMINED TO START
OUR OWN COMPANY.

WE HAD BEEN DIRECTING EACH OTHER
IN ‐‐ THROUGHOUT, YOU KNOW, OUR

YEARS AT NORTHWESTERN.
AND THEN I STARTED TO BOUNCE

BACK BETWEEN AUDITIONING FOR TV
AND FILM IN L. A.

AND COMMUTING TO CHICAGO
SO I GO BACK AND FORTH TO DO

THEATER IN CHICAGO WITH MY
COMPANY AND TRY TO ‐‐

TRY TO CLIMB THE, YOU KNOW, THE
HOLLYWOOD, YOU KNOW, RUNGS, AS

IT WERE, THE LADDER, TO TRY TO
EKE OUT A CAREER IN TV AND FILM

AS WELL.
>> Seth: IT'S FUNNY.

YOU KNOW, OBVIOUSLY, YOU KNOW, I
THINK, LIKE EVERYBODY IN THAT

CAST, YOU CAME TO PROMINENCE ON
"FRIENDS."

I DID NOT REALIZE YOU WERE ON
ANOTHER ICONIC SHOW.

I DID NOT REALIZE UNTIL TODAY
THAT YOU WERE ON "THE WONDER

YEARS.
>> OH, YEAH.

>> Seth: AND BASED ON THIS
PHOTO, A VERY DIFFERENT

CHARACTER THAN ROSS.
>> I WAS PLAYING THIS ‐‐ THIS

KIND OF HIPPIE ‐‐ NOT HIPPIE,
BUT MORE LIKE A WANDERING

CONSTRUCTION KIND OF GUY AND ‐‐
WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH

OLIVIA dABO'S CHARACTER, YOU
KNOW, THE SISTER

AND THAT WAS MY FIRST
INTRODUCTION TO TV, REALLY

I MEAN, THAT WAS MY FIRST REAL
BREAK.

AND I CAN TELL YOU, THE FIRST ‐‐
ACTUALLY, MY FIRST REAL SCENE ON

CAMERA ‐‐
YOU KNOW, I COME FROM THEATER SO

I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING,
RIGHT?

I JUST THOUGHT, "OKAY, WE ALL
REHEARSE THIS BIG DINNER SCENE."

ACTUALLY, ABOUT FIVE OF US SAT
AT THE TABLE

AND WE REHEARSED, AND I FELT
KIND OF NERVOUS.

I'M STEPPING INTO THIS BIG CAST,
THIS HUGE SHOW

AND THEY SHOOT ‐‐ THEY SHOOT
FRED FIRST

THEY SHOOT HIM BECAUSE HE HAD TO
GO TO SCHOOL AFTER HIS ‐

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: RIGHT, OF COURSE.

>> SO, THEY SHOT HIM OUT
AND THEN THEY SHOOT EVERYONE

ELSE OUT
AND I'M LAST

AND WHEN I'M FINALLY ON CAMERA,
I'M ACTING ACROSS A PIECE OF

TAPE THAT THEY PUT NEXT TO THE
CAMERA BOX

[ LAUGHTER ]
AND SOME OLDER SCRIPT SUPERVISOR

KIND OF READING THE LINES.
AND I'M LIKE, "OH MY GOD

THIS IS MY INTRO
I'M JUST ACTING WITH A PIECE OF

TAPE."
ANYWAY, IT WAS ‐‐ IT WAS BAPTISM

BY FIRE, I GUESS, BUT YOU KNOW
>> Seth: I THINK THE OTHER WEIRD

THING THAT HAPPENS IS THE FIRST
TIME YOU'RE ON TELEVISION ‐‐ MY

FIRST TIME, I WAS AT A VERY
SMALL ROLE IN AN EPISODE OF

"SPIN CITY."
PEOPLE AT HOME, THEY SEE YOU AND

THEY ASSUME, SINCE YOU'VE BEEN
ON NETWORK TELEVISION, THAT YOU

HAVE NOW MADE IT AND YOU HAVE
NOTHING BUT MONEY.

BUT THE REALITY IS LIKE, AS SOON
AS I DID THAT EPISODE, I WENT

BACK TO MY NORMAL LIFE
THE SAME HAPPENED FOR YOU,

RIGHT?
>> FOR SURE.

I MEAN, I WAS WAITING TABLES FOR
SEVEN YEARS DURING ALL THESE

LITTLE GIGS, YOU KNOW.
YOU'RE RIGHT

I MEAN, PEOPLE THINK, "WOW,
YOU'RE ON TV

YOU MADE IT!
BUT, I MEAN, THE FIRST TIME I

ACTUALLY SAW MYSELF ON
TELEVISION, ON "THE WONDER

YEARS," I WAS WAITING TABLES
I WAS ON MY SHIFT.

AND ONE OF MY BUDDIES, ANOTHER
WAITER, YOU KNOW, POINTED OUT TO

THE TELEVISION THAT WE HAD OVER
THE BAR ‐‐ AT THE BAR AREA OF

THE RESTAURANT
HE SAID, "SCHWIMMER, YOU'RE ON

TV."
I LOOKED, LIKE, "YEAH.

AND I TURNED BACK TO MY TABLE.
I WAS LIKE, "DO YOU WANT BLUE

CHEESE OR THOUSAND ISLAND?
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Seth: IT'S VERY HUMBLING.
IT'S ‐‐ THAT'S A GOOD STORY.

I HOPE THAT EVERYBODY WHO'S
TRYING TO GET INTO THIS BUSINESS

CAN HEAR THAT AND BE A LITTLE
INSPIRED BY HOW IT ULTIMATELY

TURNED OUT
>> WELL, IT ALSO ‐‐ I THINK IT

TEACHES YOU SO MUCH RESPECT FOR
ANYONE IN THE SERVICE INDUSTRY,

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
I MEAN ‐

>> Seth: YES
>> IF YOU EVER WAITED TABLES, AS

I DID FOR SEVEN YEARS, FIRST OF
ALL, YOU TIP REALLY WELL FOR THE

REST OF YOUR LIFE ‐‐
>> Seth: ABSOLUTELY.

>> BECAUSE YOU JUST KNOW HOW
MUCH ‐‐ HOW MUCH PEOPLE RELY ON

GRATUITY
THAT'S THE ONLY WAY I PAID MY

BILLS, YOU KNOW, FOR ALL THOSE
YEARS.

>> Seth: I ALSO ‐‐ I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU FEEL THIS WAY, BUT I

THINK THERE'S THIS PROJECTION OF
HOW STRESSFUL SHOW BUSINESS CAN

BE
AND IT'S NOT WITHOUT ITS

STRESSES, BUT THE ONLY STRESS
DREAMS I EVER HAVE ARE ONES

ABOUT BEING A WAITER
THAT IS STILL ‐‐ TABLE SEVEN

NEEDS THEIR BURRITO.
THAT WILL WAKE ME UP IN THE

MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT MORE THAN
ANYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN

MY CAREER.
WELL, I HOPE, ONE, WE ALL CAN

GET BACK TO RESTAURANTS SOON
AND TWO, THAT WE ALL CAN

REMEMBER TO OVERTIP OUR WAITING
STAFF.

>> YES, YES.
>> Seth: CONGRATS ON THE SHOW.

IT'S ALWAYS NICE TALKING TO YOU,
DAVID.

>> THANKS, MAN
THANK, SETH.

I APPRECIATE IT.
>> Seth: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

WITH A VISIT FROM FRED ARMISEN
♪

♪
>> Seth: I'M SO GLAD

FRED ARMISEN IS BACK THIS WEEK
LEADING THE 8G BAND.

AND WHEN HE'S HERE, THERE'S A
THING WE LIKE TO DO WHERE I SHOW

FRED A FAMOUS PAINTING AND GET
HIM TO TELL US ABOUT IT.

LITTLE‐KNOWN FACT, FRED HAS NO
IDEA WHAT THE PAINTING IS OR

REALLY ANYTHING ABOUT ART
HISTORY.

IT'S JUST ALL OFF THE TOP OF HIS

HEAD AND I GRIN AND LOVE IT.
HERE'S ONCE AGAIN IS "FRED
ARMISEN: ART AFICIONADO.

>> Seth: HEY, FRED, HOW ARE YOU?
>> Fred: HOW YOU DOING

>> Seth: I'M GOOD.
SO YOU HAVE ALWAYS CLAIMED YOU

KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT EVERY
PAINTING EVER PAINTED.

LAST CHANCE TO ADMIT THAT THAT
WAS A LIE.

>> Fred: NO.
I KNOW ABOUT ALL ART, PAINTING,

SCULPTURE, PRETTY MUCH
EVERYTHING

>> Seth: OKAY, WELL, HERE'S
TODAY'S PAINTING

THIS IS GEORGE BELLOWS'
1924 PAINTING, "DEMPSEY AND

FIRPO.
>> Fred: YES, THIS IS A VERY,

VERY FAMOUS PAINTING
PEOPLE WILL RECOGNIZE IT AS THE

MOST FAMOUS PAINTING
>> Seth: UH‐HUH.

>> Fred: BUT, IT'S SORT OF
SECOND

I THINK SECOND OR THIRD.
IT'S JUST THAT WE JUST ‐

>> Seth: WHAT'S ‐‐
>> Fred: DON'T REALIZE HOW ‐

>> Seth: IF IT'S ‐‐ IT'S THIRD,
WHAT ARE ‐‐ WHAT ARE ONE AND

TWO?
>> "MONA LISA.

>> Seth: UH‐HUH.
>> AND "THE DAVID." ‐‐

>> Seth: OKAY.
>> Fred: WHICH IS A SCULPTURE.

BUT PEOPLE SEE IT AS A ‐‐ THEY
SEE IT AS A SORT OF PAINTING

ANYWAY ‐
>> Seth: A CLAY PAINTING

>> Fred: THIS IS SECOND OR
THIRD.

AND PEOPLE, THEY JUST KNOW IT,
BUT THEY DON'T RECOGNIZE IT ‐‐

>> Seth: OKAY.
>> Fred: IF YOU UNDERSTAND THAT.

IT'S SOMETHING THAT THEY SEE AND
GO, "OF COURSE, I KNOW THIS

PAINTING."
SO THIS ‐‐ YOU KNOW, THIS WAS A

SORT OF ‐‐ THIS WAS ALREADY
COMPLETED.

AND THE PAINTER'S PROFESSOR CAME
BACK AND WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW,

YOU HAVE A LOT OF PROMISE.
>> Seth: OH?

>> Fred: AND THEN HE WAS LIKE ‐‐
AND HE WAS LIKE, "WHAT ARE YOU

TALKING ABOUT?
I'M ALREADY A WELL‐KNOWN

PAINTER.
I'M DOING FINE

I DON'T NEED YOUR APPROVAL."
AND HE'S LIKE, "NO, NO, YOU'RE

REALLY ‐‐ IT'S REALLY COMING
ALONG.

IT LOOKS LIKE THERE'S A LOT OF
EMOTION.

AND IT LOOKS LIKE THE OTHER
BOXER'S FALLING OUT OF THE

RING."
HE'S LIKE, "I KNOW, I'M GOOD

I DON'T NEED YOUR APPROVAL
YES, I AM ‐‐ I AM ACCOMPLISHED

THIS IS MAYBE MY 40th PAINTING
I'M ALL GOOD."

AND THIS PROFESSOR IS JUST
LOOKING OVER HIS SHOULDER.

HE WAS LIKE, "REALLY, I MEAN, I
WOULD ‐‐ YOU KNOW, WITH THE

LIGHT, I WOULD TRY TO ‐‐
AND HE WAS LIKE, "I AM ‐‐

LISTEN, YOU'RE ONLY GETTING IN
THE WAY.

SO FOR THE REST OF THE PAINTING,
HE PAINTED LIKE ‐‐ LIKE QUIETLY

AND ANGRILY.
HE'S LIKE, "DUDE IS LOOKING

RIGHT OVER MY SHOULDER
AND I'M TRYING TO FINISH THIS

PAINTING."
>> Seth: WOW

>> Fred: AND OUT OF POLITENESS,
HE WAS JUST LIKE "THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
>> Seth: WOW

>> Fred: SO THIS IS A PAINTING
IT'S A VERY INTERESTING PAINTING

BECAUSE IT WAS DONE TOWARDS THE
END IN A LITTLE BIT OF A RUSH.

LIKE, "I'M GOING TO JUST FINISH
THIS THING AND GET IT OUT THERE

BECAUSE THIS PROFESSOR IS
LIKE ‐

[ LAUGHTER ]
LITERALLY LOOKING OVER MY

SHOULDER AS I'M TRYING TO
COMPLETE IT.

>> Seth: WOW, LOOKING AT THE
PAINTING ‐

>> Fred: WHICH IS THE REASON THE
REF ISN'T DRESSED LIKE A REF

DID YOU NOTICE THE REF THERE
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> Seth: YEAH.
YEAH, HE'S LIKE ‐‐

>> Fred: SO HE ORIGINALLY ‐‐
>> Seth: HE'S DRESSED LIKE

SOMEONE IN AN OFFICE
>> Fred: YEAH.

OH, YEAH
AND I THINK HE DID IT JUST TO

SORT OF LIKE, "I NEED TO PUT
BEIGE AND LIGHT BLUE AND GET

THIS GUY OUT OF HERE."
SO IT WAS LIKE, "I'M DONE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M DONE

THIS IS ‐‐ I'M DONE.
I'M GOING TO GET IT OUT THERE.

AND THE PROFESSOR IS LIKE,
"YOU'RE REALLY COMING ALONG.

HE'S LIKE, "THANKS."
>> Seth: WOW

THAT'S FANTASTIC
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT

INSIGHT, AS ALWAYS

THIS HAS BEEN "FRED ARMISEN: ART
AFICIONADO."
[ LAUGHTER ]

♪
>> Seth: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

WITH
ROBIN THEDE.

♪
♪

>> Seth: OUR NEXT GUEST IS A
VERY FUNNY ACTRESS, COMEDIAN,

WRITER AND PRODUCER.
HER HBO SHOW "A BLACK LADY

SKETCH SHOW" WAS JUST NOMINATED
FOR THREE EMMYS, INCLUDING

OUTSTANDING VARIETY SKETCH

SERIES
HERE'S MY CONVERSATION WITH
ROBIN THEDE.

>> Seth: WELCOME BACK, ROBIN
HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M SO GOOD
>> Seth: YES, CONGRATULATIONS.

"A BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW"
NOMINATED FOR THREE AWARDS,

INCLUDING BEST VARIETY SERIES.
YOU MUST BE SO HAPPY

>> I'M SO THRILLED
I ‐‐ YESTERDAY, I ATE JELLY

BEANS FOR BREAKFAST.
I WAS VERY ‐‐ THAT WAS MY TREAT

TO MYSELF.
AND MY HOME CURRENTLY LOOKS LIKE

A FLOWER SHOP BECAUSE I'VE HAD
SO MANY DELIVERIES FROM

BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE
>> Seth: AND I WANT TO

CONGRATULATE NOT JUST THE SHOW
GETTING NOMINATED FOR SERIES,

BUT ANGELA BASSETT
AND WE TALKED LAST TIME YOU WERE

ON THE SHOW ABOUT THE FACT THAT
YOU GOT HER TO DO A CAMEO IN

YOUR SERIES.
SHE GOT NOMINATED FOR GUEST

ACTOR IN A COMEDY.
AND THIS IS A WORLD‐RENOWNED

ACTRESS.
BUT I DON'T BELIEVE SHE'S EVER

BEEN NOMINATED FOR COMEDY
BEFORE, SO I TIP MY CAP TO YOU

AND YOUR TEAM.
>> THANK YOU VERY MUCH, YES.

I AM ‐‐ YOU KNOW,
ANGELA BASSETT, A YOUNG UPSTART,

REALLY JUST SOMEONE ‐‐
>> Seth: YES

>> AT THE BEGINNING OF THEIR
COMEDY CAREER.

SO, I'M THRILLED FOR HER
AND, YOU KNOW, I SAW HER,

ACTUALLY, AT THE IMAGE AWARDS
EARLIER THIS YEAR.

AND SHE SAID, "HEY, ROBIN.
I SAID, "OH, HEY."

AND SHE SAID, "SO WHEN DO WE
START SHOOTING AGAIN?"

[ LAUGHTER ]
SO SHE OBVIOUSLY WANTED TO KEEP

DOING THIS
SO I'M LIKE, "HEY, ANYTHING YOU

WANT TO DO."
>> Seth: AND A MORE ‐‐ OBVIOUSLY

DIME DAVIS, YOUR DIRECTOR,
LESSER KNOWN, BUT HER

ACCOMPLISHMENT IS MORE HISTORIC
AND ‐‐ AND TRULY INCREDIBLE.

CAN YOU JUST SPEAK ABOUT THAT
FOR A SECOND

>> IT'S SO HUGE.
SO DIME DAVIS DIRECTED OUR

ENTIRE SERIES, SEASON ONE.
SHE IS AN INCREDIBLE DIRECTOR, A

VISIONARY.
AND SHE HAS NOW SET THE RECORD

SHE'S THE FIRST BLACK WOMAN TO
EVER BE NOMINATED FOR DIRECTING

A SERIES FOR A VARIETY SKETCH.
SO, THAT'S A REALLY BIG DEAL

THIS IS A VERY HISTORICALLY
WHITE MALE SORT OF GENRE SKETCH

COMEDY
SO WHAT WE'RE DOING WITH THE

SHOW IS RECORD BREAKING, WHAT
SHE IS DOING DIRECTING IS

RECORD‐BREAKING AND
ANGELA BASSETT THE COMEDIAN.

I MEAN, IT'S REALLY A
TRANSFORMATION

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: I WANT TO TALK ABOUT ‐‐

YOU KNOW ‐‐ AND OBVIOUSLY, IT'S
TRUE THAT THIS HAS BEEN, YOU

KNOW, A PLATFORM THAT HAS BEEN,
YOU KNOW, WHITE MALE DOMINATED

OVER THE YEARS
YOU WORKED ON SOME SHOWS, "THE

NIGHTLY SHOW," AND THEN YOUR OWN
SHOW, "THE RUNDOWN," THAT TALKED

ABOUT ISSUES OF RACIAL
INEQUALITY IN A WAY THAT I THINK

ARE NOW BEING TALKED ABOUT MORE
THAN THEY EVER HAVE BEEN BEFORE.

HOW DID IT FEEL TO BE AT THE
FOREFRONT OF THAT?

AND HOW DOES IT FEEL NOW TO
WATCH IT SORT OF BECOME MORE OF

A MAINSTREAM ISSUE, FOR LACK OF
A BETTER WORD?

>> I MEAN, HONESTLY, PEOPLE JUST
WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO ME YEARS

AGO, WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS
NOW, BUT ‐

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: YOU KNOW WHAT

TRUE STORY
[ LAUGHTER ]

>> NO, I THINK IT'S ‐‐ LOOK,
EVERYTHING TAKES TIME.

PROGRESS FEELS FAST, BUT IT
REALLY HAPPENS SLOWLY.

AND I THINK WE'RE AT THIS
MAGICAL POINT IN HISTORY WHERE

EVERYBODY WAS HOME AND HAD TO
LIKE ACTUALLY HEAR THE VOICES

WHO HAD BEEN SPEAKING OUT.
BUT I THINK IT'S REALLY, REALLY

AN INCREDIBLE TIME
I THINK IT'S A TIME OF PROGRESS.

I REALLY HOPE WE DON'T BACKSLIDE
FROM WHERE WE'RE HEADING

AND LOOK, THERE'S A LOT OF WORK
TO BE DONE

BUT LUCKILY ALL THE SEGMENTS
I'VE DONE ON "LATE NIGHT" ARE

AVAILABLE ON YOUTUBE AND ‐
[ LAUGHTER ]

AND PEOPLE CAN WATCH THEM.
BUT NO, I'M JUST HAPPY

YOU KNOW, THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN
STUFF THAT, YOU KNOW, HAS BEEN

IMPORTANT TO ME FOR YEARS.
SO, I'M EXCITED THAT PEOPLE ARE

LISTENING.
AND YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY ASKED ME,

LIKE "IS IT TOO LITTLE, TOO
LATE?"

I'M LIKE, "NO.
THE TIME FOR PROGRESS IS ALWAYS

NOW.
SO, I'M EXCITED ABOUT IT

>> Seth: IT'S BEEN OBVIOUSLY A
VERY IMPRESSIVE YEAR FOR YOU

AND I WOULD IMAGINE YOUR PARENTS
ARE IMPRESSED, BUT THEY'RE VERY

IMPRESSIVE PEOPLE IN THEIR OWN
RIGHT.

>> THEY'RE IMPRESSIVE IN THEIR
OWN RIGHT.

I MEAN, I'M CONSTANTLY LIVING IN
THEIR SHADOW

MY MOTHER IS A POLITICIAN.
SHE'S IN HER SIXTH TERM, I

THINK, IN THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES IN IOWA.

FIRST BLACK WOMAN FROM HER
DISTRICT TO BE ELECTED

SHE WAS ELECTED THE SAME NIGHT
AS BARACK OBAMA AND WORKED FOR

THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY, SO HAD
WORKED ON HIS CAMPAIGN AND HERS

AT THE SAME TIME
SO ONE TIME I TOLD HE ‐‐ I THINK

WHEN I FIRST GOT MY LATE‐NIGHT
SHOW, I SAID, "MOM, YOU KNOW,

I'M GOING TO BE DOING MY OWN
LATE‐NIGHT SHOW.

SHE'S LIKE, "COOL, I'M HERE.
LET ME CALL YOU BACK" AND TEXT

ME A PICTURE OF HER WITH
BARACK OBAMA

[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, I CAN'T WIN.

I CAN'T WIN.
I'M TRYING

>> Seth: YOU DID A STORYLINE AT
THE END OF YOUR SHOW ABOUT A

QUARANTINE
THIS WAS BEFORE THERE WAS AN

ACTUAL QUARANTINE.
>> YES

>> Seth: SO I SHOULD NOTE THAT
RACIAL INEQUALITY WAS NOT THE

ONLY THING YOU WERE AT THE
FOREFRONT OF

[ LAUGHTER ]
WE REALLY SHOULD HAVE BEEN

LISTENING TO YOU
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ‐‐ AS SOON AS

YOU WRITE EVEN SCRIPTS FOR
SEASON TWO, WOULD YOU SEND THEM

TO ME SO I CAN KNOW WHAT THE
FUTURE HOLDS

I FEEL LIKE THERE'S GOING TO BE
THIS LIKE WAVE OF QUARANTINE

CONTENT.
YOU MUST ‐‐ IT MUST FEEL NICE TO

KNOW THAT YOU'VE ALREADY DONE
YOUR COMEDY ABOUT BEING

ISOLATED
>> YES, I AM SO GLAD THAT WE PUT

FOUR WOMEN IN A HOUSE
QUARANTINING AT THE END OF THE

WORLD IN OUR FIRST SEASON IN
AUGUST OF 2019

AND THAT STORYLINE HAS TO
CONTINUE

ANYBODY WHO'S SEEN THE SHOW, OR
IF YOU HAVEN'T, SPOILER ALERT.

IT'S A YEAR OLD, CATCH UP.
[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT WE END WITH SOMEONE RINGING
THE DOORBELL

SO, OBVIOUSLY THEY'RE NOT THE
ONLY FOUR PEOPLE LEFT ON EARTH

BUT YOU KNOW, THEY DO ALL THE
QUARANTINE THINGS THAT LITERALLY

HAPPENED TO ALL OF US.
THEY ARGUE, THEY GET ON EACH

OTHER'S NERVES, THEY EAT ALL
THEIR SNACKS

YOU KNOW, THEY LITERALLY GO
THROUGH ALL THE THINGS THAT

WE'RE ACTUALLY GOING THROUGH
NOW, WHICH IS SO CRAZY

I MEAN, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT I WAS
A CLAIRVOYANT, BUT I DO NOW PUT

THAT ON MY RESUME NEXT TO ‐‐
>> Seth: I KNOW I MENTIONED

ALREADY, DO YOU GET ‐‐ WHAT IS
THE FEEDBACK LIKE FROM YOUR

PARENTS?
ARE THEY ‐‐ DO THEY LIKE

EVERYTHING YOU DO?
OR ARE THERE TIMES THAT THEY

HAVE SOME CONSTRUCTIVE
CRITICISM?

>> FOR THE MOST PART THEY LIKE
WHAT I DO, BUT I WILL SAY THEY

ARE VERY HONEST WHEN THEY DON'T
LIKE SOMETHING

>> Seth: REALLY?
>> WE DID A SKETCH ON "A BLACK

LADY SKETCH SHOW" WHERE I PLAYED
THIS WOMAN, FEATHER ATWOOD, WHO

WAS THE FIRST NEGRO LEAGUE
GROUPIE.

AND MY MOM WAS LIKE, "YOU KNOW,
I DIDN'T LOVE THAT SKETCH.

I REALLY DIDN'T LOVE THAT
SKETCH."

AND I WAS ‐‐ YOU KNOW, I CALL
THEM EVERY NIGHT, EVERY WEEK IT

WOULD AIR.
AND I'M LIKE, "OH, DID YOU LOVE

IT?"
AND THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH, YEAH,

YEAH."
AND MY MOM'S LIKE, "GIVE ME THE

PHONE.
I DIDN'T LIKE THAT SKETCH.

I DIDN'T GET IT.
I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS TASTEFUL."

AND I'M LIKE, "ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT.

[ LAUGHTER ]
I'LL TRY HARDER NEXT TIME.

>> Seth: YEAH.
I THINK ONE TIME ‐‐ ONCE YOU GET

ELECTED TO OFFICE LIKE FIVE, SIX
TIMES, YOU'RE GOING TO BE VERY

OPEN WITH HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT
THINGS

>> SHE'S A VERY HONEST
POLITICIAN, I'LL GIVE HER THAT

[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Seth: HEY, ROBIN, IT IS SO

GREAT TO SEE YOU
CONGRATULATIONS.

AND I REALLY DO ‐‐ ALL JOKES
ASIDE, THIS IS SIX INCREDIBLY

TIGHT EPISODES FULL OF TALENTED
PEOPLE

AND NOW IS AS GOOD A TIME AS ANY
FOR PEOPLE TO CATCH UP ON "A

BLACK LADY SKETCH SHOW."
>> YES

>> Seth: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH MORE "LATE NIGHT.

♪
♪

>> Announcer: FOR MORE
"LATE NIGHT," GO TO

LATENIGHTSETH.COM.
FOLLOW US ON INSTAGRAM AND

TWITTER @LATENIGHTSETH
AND BE SURE TO CHECK US OUT ON

YOUTUBE AND FACEBOOK
HEAD OVER TO iTUNES TO SUBSCRIBE

TO THE "LATE NIGHT WITH SETH
MEYERS" PODCAST.

YOU'LL GET "A CLOSER LOOK" AND
MORE DOWNLOADED RIGHT TO YOUR

PHONE.

>> Seth: I WANT TO THANK MY

GUESTS DAVID SCHWIMMER AND
ROBIN THEDE.

I WANT TO THANK FRED ARMISEN AND
THE 8G BAND.

STAY TUNED FOR "LILLY SINGH.
STAY SAFE.

WASH YOUR HANDS.
WEAR A MASK.

WE LOVE YOU.
♪

♪