All language subtitles for RuPauls.Drag.Race.All.Stars.S05E07.WEBRip.480p-WOWRip.en

RuPaul:
Previously on All Stars...

I got really close
to picking your lipstick.

This imagery of you
going to all the girls,

telling them to pick my name--

It's not real,
I can tell you that.

I don't know how long
they're gonna hold this grudge,

so I have to be perfect

or I'm gonna be
the next one home.

For this week's maxi-challenge,

y'all need to serve up
two fresh looks

for the Charles Family
Backyard Ball.

-Ooh!
-Oh!

This is definitely,
like, high fashion,

so I'm excited for that.

I feel like this challenge

is, like,
the Blair St. Clair challenge.

Miz Cracker.

Overall tonight, from
the barbeque to the outfits,

you were actually my favorite.

Blair St. Clair.

This runway look, it's
looking a little messy to me.

Alexis Mateo.

The character in the beginning,
I felt a little let down by her.

I just felt like
it was kind of flat.

Miz Cracker, con-drag-ulations.

You are the top All Star
of the week.

If you're not the top All Star,
you are in the bottom.

Based on the report card,

it would have to be Alexis
and Blair in the bottom.

I'm not looking at
who's my best friend.

I'm looking at
who's a powerhouse.

It's scary to think
that this could be my last day.

It means everything to me
to stay.

This dream turned
into a nightmare real fast.

Ru-veal yourself!

-Oh!
-[laughs]

Roxxxy Andrews,
you are a winner, baby.

The $10.000 will roll over
into next week's tip.

Which queen has the group
chosen to get the chop?

Alexis.

Alexis, sashay away.

Ugh.new

Wow.

[exhales]

I am feeling
all the emotions right now.

Girl.

Happy, scared, upset,
thankful, grateful.

Um, congratulations,
Miz Cracker.

Girl, that was a lot.

We lost a great competitor.

-We really did.
-And friend.

Let's just lay that out there.

Like, Alexis is incredible.

Absolutely.

I am really glad that
it worked out the way it did,

because I did not want
that decision on my shoulders.

What decision did you make?

I...

I really wanted
to avoid an awkward moment.

But I thought long and hard
about my decision, and...

The lipstick that I chose...

was Alexis.

I wanna punch you in the face
so hard right now,

because you really made me think
like you chose me or her or her.

Aw, I just wanna hug you.

I was like, what awkward moment?

For real!

You really had me going
for a second,

because I really thought

you were heavily considering
sending me home.

I feel like
you may have been nervous

because we've had friction
before,

and we have our problems every
day because we're so different.

But I was just putting all that
in the waste bin, you know,

and just really thinking about

is this a person that
can bring the future of drag?

Well, thank you so much.

I want to see
what's inside the box.

Do you want me to...

Oh, yes.

-Oh, yes.
-What's in the box?

Let's have a look.

[whispers]
Oh, my gosh, I'm so nervous.

Alexis.

Alexis.

Alexis.

And Blair,

which is most likely
from Alexis.

Yeah.

Makes you realize

that, like, this all can go away
in seconds.

But I'm seriously
so grateful to you guys.

You are a fierce queen,
you're a fierce competitor,

and every single week I'm always
excited to see what you do,

and I wanted to see more.

Thank you.

And also, maybe just
a little bit on a personal note,

there was this piece of me,

I was just like this is a little
bit of self preservation, too.

I feel like there

is still so much left
un-figured-out with Alexis.

But I do feel a sense of relief

knowing that I don't
have to look over my shoulder.

I do want to say
that I am so proud of all of us.

Yeah, girl.

Repeat after me.
We are the top four.

All: We are the top four!

Now, with that said,
there's just one crown.

And y'all bitches know me.

I am going to fight
until the end.

I ride the subway in New York.

-So I fight every day.
-In drag.

In drag.

And just because
I have not won a challenge,

do not count me out.

-We don't.
-Nobody's counting you out.

You're in the top four, bitch.

Because, bitch, I am still here

with the same drive,
passion, and desire.

Good.

I feel like
there's big goggles on me

to win this next challenge,

because I need that
to get to the finale.

I need that to get to the end.

All I'm saying is

don't nobody throw no pearls
out there on the stage.

No, I'm just gonna put some
glass shards in your makeup.

When I tell you it is going to
be a race to the finish line,

it is going to be a full gallop.

I am still wearing this hair.
I don't care what anyone says.

RuPaul: The winner of
RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars

receives a one-year supply

of Anastasia Beverly Hills
cosmetics,

a coveted spot
in the Drag Race Hall of Fame,

and a cash prize of $100.000.

With our extra-special
guest judges

Sam Richardson

and Jane Krakowski.

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪

♪ May the best woman ♪

♪ Best woman win ♪end teaser

-Bam!
-Ladies and gentlemen,

it is the top four,

and this group of girls
is fierce.

"Love you all, bam.

"Be your best, but be happy..."

-"Happy."
-"Ass."

[all laugh]

"All Stars 5," dummy.

-"AS5."
-I saw "ass" at first, too.

-Me, too.
-I'm, like, "Ass?"

I love ass!

Sickening, no?

The four girls that are here,

this is exactly what I saw
from day one.

And it's happening.

Like my ruffles, let's gather.

Yes!

Yeah.

This week for Ru it may
come down to a lock of hair,

a seam, a stumble,
a slip, a stutter.

They're looking at
the nitty-gritty,

little, tiny details.

You know,
may be the best woman win.

[alarm]

RuPaul: Ooh, girl!

She done already
done had herses.

Hey, All Stars.

-Hey.
-'Sup?

A queen walks out of a bar

and into
the Drag Race Hall of Fame.

But first, she's gotta put
her money where her funny is.

And I'm not jokin', bitch.

Where are the jokes?

-Oh, my gosh.
-Comedy?

You're the comedy queen, girl.

-Yes.
-Yes.

-This is a lot of pressure.
-Aah! Aah! Aah!

Hello, hello, hello!

-Oh, hello!
-Ooh!

And then there were four.

Wow, we are down to it.

For this week's maxi-challenge,

you'll face off
in a standup comedy smackdown.

Oh!
[all laugh]

#AllStars5.

Each of you needs to work up
a comedy routine

that is jam-packed
with jokes.

Yuk-yuks.
You know, ha-has?

Hee-hee-hee-hee.
I'm drinking champagne.

[chuckles]

Now, later today,
you'll try out your material

with the hilarious
Ross Mathews and...

a mystery funny lady.

Oh.

And tomorrow, you'll perform
in front of a live audience

at RuPaul's Shady Shack.

It's right off Route 5.

Route 5.

Now, Miz Cracker, you were
the top All Star last week,

so you get to choose the order
in which the queens appear.

Woof.

And remember,
this is the challenge

that determines who makes it to
the grand finale of All Stars,

which is no laughing matter.

[laughs]

Or is it?

I feel very attacked.

All Stars, start your engines,
and may the best woman win!

[laughter and applause]end act

Okay.

Oh, we have little notebooks
and everything.

This week's maxi-challenge
is a standup comedy smackdown.

This decides who's going
to make it to the finale.

Your girl is not the most
confident about doing standup.

I mean, Juju is really funny,
Cracker is hilarious.

She does standup in her show
all the time.

Blair has been cracking
the judges up all season.

But for me, having to, like,
structure and write jokes

is not necessarily my forte.

So this is definitely
going to be a challenge.

So anybody coming up
with any fun jokes?

Knock, knock.

-Who's there?
-Who's there?

Nobody.

-Nobody who?
-Nobody who?

Nobody, 'cause I'm so lonely.

Oh, wow.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jujubee.

-[laughs]
-Girl.

Honestly, I think Blair
could win this,

because all she has to do
for five minutes is this:

Shh!

[all laugh]
And RuPaul's just gonna slap.

Don't give away my secrets!

I have not been known
to be a comedian,

but I'm embracing my funny.

What you got?

Because not only am I hungry
for a win right now,

I'm starving for it.
I need it.

I depend upon a win right now
to survive in this competition.

-So, Miss Director.
-Yes.

You wanna tell us
what order we're going in?

As the winner
of last week's challenge,

I get to pick
the order of performers.

So guess what?
Nobody's getting a good spot.

Girl, I could pretend that
I don't know what I'm doing,

and I'm just, like,
trying to decide.

But I immediately knew
what I wanna do.

Now, I wanna start by saying
that everyone can shine

no matter where they are
in the show.

But as your sister,

I want to try to fuck
you guys up as much as possible.

Understandable.

So I think the worst place to be
in a comedy show is opening,

because everyone's
been sitting there

waiting for the show to start.

And they are, like, deciding

whether they wanna have
a good time or not at all.

So I'm gonna put Juju
in the beginning,

because you are so strong,

I wanna put you
in the toughest position.

-Great. Thank you.
-Yeah, you're welcome.

Miz Cracker, ooh, shady.

Blair, you've been
extremely funny this season,

which pisses me off.

So the best thing
I can do to you

would be to put you
right after Juju,

who's also been
very consistently funny.

Hopefully that will intimidate
you and blah, blah, blah.

[stammers and coughs]

Girl!

And if you trip,
I will look good after you.

I'm gonna go
when everyone's warmed up.

I'll be the third one.

And then last of all,

I wanna put you,

because no matter
how well you do,

-Uh-huh.
-in people's minds,

they'll be like, oh,

am I just remembering her
because she was the last one?

And they may discount and
discredit what you accomplished.

Yeah. Gorgeous.

I actually see true colors
coming out now.

Yeah.

This is a competition.

I'm sorry if some people's toes
are getting stepped on,

but I don't want
any other feet in the spotlight.

All's fair in love and war...

-Okay.
-Whew.

...and definitely Drag Race.end
act

[gasps] Oh, my gosh, hi!

-Juju, Jane. Jane, Juju.
-Hi, Jane.

-So nice to meet you.
-It's great to see you.

Are you ready to 30 Rock
your tight five?

It's time for my rehearsal,
and who's there?

None other
than legendary actress

and famous funny lady
Jane Krakowski.

Whoa. Her eyes.

Where do I buy eyes like that?
Because I want a set.

I'm opening up the whole show

because Miz Cracker
won last week's challenge

and she chose me to open up.

I actually think that's
an asset to you tomorrow.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Because you set the stage

for where the jokes
in your set are gonna be.

They're not gonna get compared
to anybody else's,

and I think
that's a great advantage.

Okay.
That's really good to hear,

because I thought
she was setting me up.

Ha ha ha ha.
Ooh, Miz Cracker,

you thought
you was gonna get me, bitch.

You helped me out, sister.

What's the plan?

All right, so...
[clears throat]

[both laugh]

-Already funny.
-I am Jujubee.

You may know me from that one
time you had sleep paralysis.

Wait, sleep paralysis?

Yeah.

Okay, what do you mean by that?

Like, I'm the monster
in the corner of the room.

Okay. [laughs]
I didn't get that, you know?

-Yeah, I didn't get it, either.
-Okay, okay.

Keep going.
I wanna see more.

You may know me from the STDs
that I gave you.

-I wouldn't open with the STD.
-Okay.

Let us learn something else
about you first.

That's what they tell me
on my dates.

You shouldn't lead
with the STDs.

A lot of the jokes
aren't landing

the way that
I think that they would,

because I feel like
maybe those jokes

would work in a room
of six people, you know?

A quiet room of six people.

Maybe my cats.

Do you have other jokes, too?

Can we go to maybe
a different section?

Okay, so I'll go to this part.

I'm 35, single,
emotionally unavailable.

The type of guy
I'm really attracted to

is the kind that'll steal my
money and help me look for it.

I'm also really broke,
and I love scavenger hunts.

[all laugh]

And it's all part of one joke.

I know. I don't know
if it's working or not

because I'm laughing.

Is that too much,
or was it not enough or...

I just--
I don't know that I--

They're complicated.

They are complicated.

But it's a different style
comedy,

and I don't know if
that's what you wanna do

in this challenge
or in this room.

People have to really listen.

Just remember
the formula of funny.

-Okay.
-You gotta set us up,

you gotta surprise us,

and you gotta land a punch line.

Well, now I'm worried.

No, don't be worried,
and don't be nervous.

You have it naturally in you,
so I think you need to trust it.

I feel like Juju

has to work on the structure
of some of her jokes.

I actually liked the intellect

and the thought
that were behind it,

but as of today
they weren't fully realized.

Make us laugh tomorrow.

I will make you cry.

With laughter. [laughs]

-Hello.
-Hello.

Aah! Oh, my gosh, hi!

Hi.

I am a big follower of yours
on Instagram.

Oh, I'm a follower
of yours, too.

-The feeling's mutual!
-[laughs]

It's the most beautiful
Instagram feed I've ever seen.

I didn't know you could take
such beautiful photographs.

Blair, I know you don't think
of yourself as a comedy queen.

Girl, I'm nervous.
Not gonna lie.

Comedy is not necessarily
my sixth sense.

Well, you've been really
stepping into your own

this whole season,
so now is your chance

to show us that you've
got comedy chops as well.

Yeah, and I think I do.
I know I do.

Well, why don't we stop talking
about it and start doing it?

So Jujubee is right before me,

so I would like to kind of segue
off of her into myself.

Thank you, Jujubee.
Nice try.

[both laugh]
Already funny.

Okay.

Simple, great, funny.

And you're gonna get the
audience to laugh right away,

and that is crucial,
because then they trust you.

Right.

-Great beginning.
-Okay.

I really wanted
to educate everyone

on one of my favorite people.

Unfortunately
she was unavailable,

-so Ross Mathews will do.
-That's great.

Now, I know people might be
wondering who is Ross Mathews?

Careful.

-I know.
-No, I'm kidding.

-No, go there!
-This is out of love.

I'm just kidding, go there.

Ross Mathews is so gay...

How gay is he?

The only thing higher than
his voice is his estrogen level.

Aah! This is good!

-Good!
-It's quite impressive

that you've got
so many jokes there.

Well done.

The game has been so upped.

She just gets better
and better and better,

and I was so impressed

with how much material
she came out with today.

Thank you guys so much.
Thank you.

Hello, Cracker.

-[laugh]
-No!

Say hi to Jane Krakowski.

This is one of those times

where they do, like,
a special cutaway

to where I talk about
how much I love you.

I love Jane Krakowski.

She's a legend.

She's funny, she can sing,
she can dance the house down.

Pleaser boots, she's amazing.

So first of all,

I wanna know is that entire
workbook all material?

Yeah, this is, like, my brain.

That's amazing.

I love comedy so much.

This is your challenge, right?

-Yeah, yeah.
-So what are you gonna do?

I kind of wanna come out
and give them, like, a TED talk.

-Can you give us a sample?
-Show us what you got.

I wanna make sure
we're on the same page

about what is drag.

What I want you
to know about drag

is that it is anybody

who feels like there
is no such thing as too much.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

It's been a bit
since we've had a joke.

-Yeah.
-I think it's really wise

to get a joke in right away

because it'll then make us
comfortable

and ready to laugh
for the rest of your set.

Give us a little more.

I can't believe

that you guys have come out
of your house to see this.

If you wanna see
a bunch of rich people

pretend to hate each other
for money,

why don't you watch Congress
on C-SPAN at home for free?

Too topical?

Too--yeah, I don't know.

There's a lot of words.

You know what I'd love to
see you do in this challenge?

-Make yourself laugh.
-Yeah.

Do you know what I mean by that?

It's like
when you see a comic up there

who kind of
is really enjoying themselves,

we can't help but laugh.

I also wanna say
I want you to be in it.

Don't just recite the jokes.

Miz Cracker is a very,
very funny queen, right?

Yes.

But she is also a very,
very thoughtful queen

in that
she has so many thoughts.

She's gotta get
out of her own way

and just be funny.

The only thing between you
and winning this week

is gonna be you.

-Okay.
-Okay?

-Bye, Cracker.
-Bye!

-Bye!
-Mwah!

[whispers]
Oh, they're all so sweet.

I just want them all
to do so well.

Because I think
there's nothing more frightening

than having to stand
in front of a mic

and just bare your soul

and hopefully be funny
and make up jokes.

Oh, and by the way, if you bomb,
the entire world's gonna see it.

Right, right.

I have a lot of nerves,

because most of my funniness
comes from dialogue

versus, like, having to sit down

and, like, write
and structure jokes,

and make sure
there's a punch line.

That's a completely--

Complete different thing.

-Different thing.
-Yeah.

The nerves
can give you adrenaline,

but you don't want the nerves

to put a wall up
between you and the audience.

Why don't you show us a little
bit of what you have planned?

Okay. Well,
if you don't already know,

my name is Shea,
Miss Couleé if you're nasty.

I am an Aquarius.

My favorite color
is fluorescent beige.

I'm fond of toy poodles,

and I love long, romantic walks
to the bank.

-Okay.
-Um... [chuckles]

Ross and Jane are,
like ha ha ha ha.

They're not really laughing.

It's more so like,
that was a nice effort.

Do you have any comedic heroes

or comedic styles
that you want to emulate?

Um...

You know what Whoopi Goldberg's
so good at

is when she talks
to the audience,

she really has this way
of just saying,

"Man, this happened
to me, man, and it was..."

And we can all relate.

I think you kind of
have that quality, too.

That's a wonderful reference.

Yeah, you see that in--

So it might be interesting
to make some jokes

about your experience and that
epic moment with Sasha Velour.

It's very unique to you.

I still haven't been able

to quite laugh
about that experience yet.

Shea, you've already come here,

and middle-finger up
to that experience, right?

You've proven it,
you've won challenges

by looking that experience
in the face.

The next phase
of your whole process

could maybe be
laughing about it.

And you might get the audience
to go, "Oh, she went there?"

If Shea allows herself
to go there,

Shea could go all the way.

I'd like to see you get
to that point in your process,

and I think you're there, babe.

Okay. I've definitely
been, like, healing

from the disappointment
that I felt from Season 9.

But to take those moments
that have been triggering

and find a way to turn them
into a punch line,

I'm, like, am I ready for that?

Bye.end act

Let's go, funny ladies!

Yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk,
yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk.

Today we are performing
a comedy.

Pblblblblbl.

Today we are performing
a comedy routine

at RuPaul's Shady Shack.

Cut the pickle!
Cut the pickle!

Come on, baby, cut the pickle!

Tickle, tickle!

After the coaching session
with Jane and Ross,

I am ready to take on the world.

Yeah, I'm, like, scared,

but I'm also not gonna fuck up
in front of
Jane Krakowski.

Are these mine?

Oh, yeah, they're mine.

[belch]

Wow. I'm sorry.

I had some Tums and ginger ale.

I'm so nervous. [laughs]

My stomach has been in knots
since yesterday afternoon.

[belch]

Ross and Jane basically asked me
to start from scratch,

and I was not able
to come up with any material

until this morning.

[belch]

Oh, wow.

So I'm completely freaking out.

What you wearing that for,
Miss Thang?

I'm wearing this
for the challenge.

What?

Girl, I am stir-fried,
shaken.

Just because I look beautiful
doesn't mean I'm gonna be funny.

If my comedy
is not going to be that good,

I might as well look
drop-dead gorgeous.

So how was your rehearsal
yesterday with the coaches?

I had so much fun.
They were cackling.

They were saying, like, you
have material, you have jokes.

They were, like, just
narrow down on your best jokes,

because I have
a lot of material.

But, like, just have fun,
let loose,

and just enjoy the time
you're onstage.

"Oh, my God, they loved me.

"They couldn't stop laughing.

I have too much material."

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Bitch.

I kind of feel like maybe
I was a little hard on you

when I thought you were
trying to set me up to fail.

I think it was more of a gift,

because I get to go out there,
be the first one,

set the tone, make people laugh,

and y'all bitches
have to follow me.

So your jokes
have to hit as hard as mine.

Mm-hmm.

When I told everyone
their placement,

people acted like

I was planning to unplug
the spotlight during their set.

I'm like, no, I am definitely
throwing a challenge your way,

but each spot
has its own advantage.

I think you underestimate me,
because you put me before you.

So I think
you should watch out, girl.

My rehearsal with Ross and Jane
felt great,

and being comfortable onstage
and delivering a routine,

no problem.

I'm a theater queen.

I'm so thrilled
to be going last.

Truly, honestly,
I couldn't thank you enough.

Like, honestly?

-No. [laughs]
-Oh.

I think this is
the scaredest I've been

this entire competition, because
here we are, like, at the end.

You know, last time
I was in the top four.

Um...

didn't quite make it past that.

We're so close
to the finish line,

and I do not wanna get close

like I did in Season 9
and choke.

Seriously, if I bomb this,

it could potentially be enough
for these other queens

to be, like, well,
guess we can send her home.

So all I keep telling myself
is I can do this.

I have to do this.end act

[RuPaul laughs]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

♪ Cover girl ♪

And what?

[applause]

Welcome to the main stage of
RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars.

My favorite punch line,
Michelle Visage.

You know any good jokes?

What do you get when you cross
an elephant with a rhino?

-I don't know?
-Eleph-ino.

[all laugh]

The hilarious Ross Mathews.

Hey, Ru, what do gay horses eat?

I don't know.
What do gay horses eat?

Hay, girl, hay!

[all laugh]

The fabulous Sam Richardson.
Welcome.

Ru, how many drag queens does it
take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know.
How may drag queens

does it take
to screw in a light bulb?

Two, actually.
One to screw it in,

another one to say, "Hey,
you're in my light, bitch."

[all laugh]

-That would be me.
-Exactly.

And from the series Dickinson,
the luminous Jane Krakowski.

Now, Jane, I hear

you're fighting off
a case of laryngitis?

I'm allergic to wig dander.

[all laugh]

Well, you in trouble, girl.

Ru, why did the blonde
drag queen cross the road?

I don't know. Why did the blonde
drag queen cross the road?

Because she's a whore.

[all laugh]

I know her!

This week, we challenged
our drag queens

to tickle us
with their funny bones,

as they face off
in a standup comedy smackdown.

And on the runway,
category is Ah, Freak Out.

All Stars, start your engines,
and may the best woman win.

[cheers and applause]

From RuPaul's Shady Shack,

welcome to the standup
comedy smackdown,

with beverages provided
by Mickey's West Hollywood.

And heeere's Jujubee!

[cheers and applause]

Welcome to RuPaul's Shady Shack.

It's the grand opening, okay?

And I wanna say I am so happy
to see all of you here.

I see some new faces,
I see some old faces,

I see some new old faces.

Work. No, really, like,
lots and lots and lots of work.

Shea, your lips.

Michelle, your titties.

And you over here,

I know them shoulders
are fake, baby.

You weren't born
with those shoulders.

Mm-hmm.

Ross, I am so glad
you're here tonight.

People don't know
that you actually wrote a book.

-Mm-hmm.
-Oh, sorry, wait, wait, wait.

Blair, so a book is a whole
bunch of pages with words.

Ross, you know I love you and I
did try to buy your book online,

and it basically said
people who bought this book

also searched for chardonnay,
lip gloss,

a life.

[all laugh]

Anyway, I noticed
that Gwyneth Paltrow

wrote the intro to your book.

Isn't it upsetting that the lady

who could convince
millions of women out there

to stick stones in their pussy

still not be able to
convince them to buy your book?

[all laugh]

Ah, that's great!

I wish I had one blonde joke,
but she's sitting over there.

[all laugh]

Now, I think I've been
a little harsh tonight,

but you know what?

This ain't
RuPaul Best Friend Race.

Michelle already won that.

[all laugh]

And Michelle, I think of you
like I think of my mom.

Resentfully.

[all laugh]

I'm Jujubee. Good night!

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, Jujubee.

Nice try.

Oh!

Michelle Visage is here.

I've been told by many

that she's the first lady
of Jersey.

The very first.

Of all time.

Sounds right.

Now, I can't really
make fun of age.

I mean, people say all the time,
"Blair, you look so young!"

But I am a grown gay man,
and I do eat ass.

Ooh!

With the crust cut off.

Now, speaking
of crusty assholes,

Sam Richardson is here tonight,
everyone!

[all laugh]
Hi.

That's all.

And Jane Krakowski,
it is so inspiring

to have you with us tonight
as well.

You know,
I just can't understand

how you keep escaping
from the old folks home.

Ross is so important
to the show.

I mean, it only took 10 years
of constant appearances

for RuPaul to finally make him
a permanent judge on the show.

I mean, what,
was Todrick Hall busy?

I'm just kidding.

I think what you do here
is so valuable.

I mean, every Destiny's Child
needs its Michelle.

And every judging panel
needs that one person

to make the guest judges feel
just that much more famous.

Oh, I do declare,
this is a dumpster fire.

If you loved me tonight,
my name is Blair St. Clair,

and if you hated me,
it's Derrick Barry.

[scattered applause]

Oh, my goodness!

Hello!

My name is Miz Cracker,
and I am so happy to see people.

I don't know if you know this,

but if you are
a Drag Race contestant,

they do not let you socialize,
like, at all.

They say this is, like,
the Olympics of drag. No.

This is like Gay-tanamo Bay.

Please! Please help me!

I am a New Yorker,
but, like, not in a mean way.

I am a Jeeew,

so I get to say it that way.
You do not.

[all laugh]

But most importantly,
I am a drag queen.

I've been telling these girls
from the beginning,

like, let's just be nice
to each other tonight,

but I guess I'm like
Shea Couleé's music,

because nobody listens to me,
do you know what I'm saying?

[all laugh]

There's this stereotype
that drag queens

have to be, like,
beautiful in their makeup

and glamorous and everything,

but that is not
necessarily true.

Look at Juju, okay?

[all laugh]
Look at her!

What was I saying?

Oh, right, humility and love,
that's where it was.

[all laugh]

Also, I am against body shaming
completely.

Because I was a chubby kid,

and I know what body shaming
can do to a person, you know?

It works, yeah!
Aow! Aow! Opulence!

Everything you see
is on sale, yeah!

Thank you, everybody, so much.

Whoo!

Appreciate you so much.

[cheers and applause]

Hi, everybody.
How you doing tonight?

Oh, come on, you guys
can do better than that.

You had Miz Cracker's entire set
to take a nap.

Come on,
so how you doing tonight?

[cheers and applause]
Oh, that's so much better.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we got the lovely
Miss Blair St. Clair here,

and, you guys,
I don't wanna ruin too much,

but she had a bit
of a rough week last week.

She failed her driver's test.

[all laugh]

Miz Cracker.
Make some noise for her.

[applause]

I love her.
She's just--

She's just so animated,
larger than life.

It's like she's a living,
breathing puppet, you know?

She's got this big head
and these tiny little feet,

and only becomes animated
when you put your fist in her.

[all laugh]

Yeah, yeah.

Has anyone in here
ever been robbed before?

Well, I have.

And no, I'm not talking
about the finale of Season 9.

[all laugh]
But for real, you know,

it's been quite
an interesting journey for me.

I've been going to therapy,
and for the longest time,

I thought that therapy was just
for white people with money,

and I was wrong.

It is also
for Black people...with money.

[all laugh]

But it's kind of embarrassing
to tell your therapist

that rose petals are
one of your triggers, you know?

For real, like,

rose petals have been
following me around

for the past three years

like I'm James Earl Jones
in Coming to America.

The only difference?
He had a crown.

[all laugh]

Thank you so much.

That's all the time
I have for tonight.

[cheers and applause]

Whoo!

♪ Everyone can be someone ♪

Category is Freak Out.

Let your freak flag fly.

First up, Jujubee.

Michelle: Oh, my God, you guys,
we found the missing link.

[all laugh]

She's definitely got a point.

Jujubee: This look
has a broken heart,

but it's healing.

And when I take the mask off,

you see there's still emotion
behind this monster.

And these shoes are 10 inches,

and I can only take seven...

on a good day.

She has such a checkered past
and present.

Jester? I barely know her.

[all laugh]

I do declare,
Blair St. Clair.

Michelle: Somebody's
getting some tail tonight.

Ross:
You guys, she's spotting.

Blair: I'm giving you
feline cat fantasy

meets the Blair St. Clair
experience.

I have a Velcro harness on,
and who does not want a tail?

This is my Alice in Wonderland
Cheshire Cat on acid.

Purr-fect for a party rave.

This is what my cat
thinks it looks like.

[all laugh]

No Dalmatians or Muppets

were harmed
in the making of this costume.

RuPaul: Miz Cracker.

Michelle:
What is she crowing about?

Ross: Edgar Allen Ho.

Cracker: My look today

is a post-apocalyptic
steampunk death mask,

and underneath
is this very sexy woman

who's here to seduce
anyone that sees her.

Ross: I've heard of a scarecrow.

This is a Cher-crow.

[all laugh]

[RuPaul imitates Cher]
Schnap out of it!

Michelle: Do you believe
in the apocalypse?

RuPaul: Shea Couleé.

Michelle: Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat,

the Gay Years.

[all chuckle]

RuPaul: Scam money
don't make money,

but freak money do.

Shea: I'm serving you
some nineties raver realness.

Hand-dyed Mongolian lamb coat,

my beautiful bondage
Cookie Monster platform shoes,

my pupils are real huge,

and I'm just dancing
to the music,

having a good-ass time.

Ross: She is schooling the kids
with those pupils.

[all chuckle]

The heels have eyes.

[all laugh]end act

Welcome, freaks.

It's time for
the judges' critiques,

starting with Jujubee.

Hi, mama.

This is just phenomenal.

From your eye makeup
to under your eyes,

the top of your head
to your toes,

I love the clashing patterns.

It's just really fun
and really freaky.

It's the best chainbow
I've ever seen in my life.

Sorry, a sea witch
stole my voice.

[all laugh]

-I'm right here.
-Her name's Michelle.

With your standup,

I've told you a few times
in this competition

how funny I think you are.

However, I think
in the beginning of your routine

I felt the jokes
kind of not there.

It seemed like you were
just telling the truth,

but it doesn't seem like a joke.

And I think it took the audience
a bit to get on board with that.

But, girl,
you really got your momentum

by the end of that performance,

especially I think when
you started coming after me.

You read Miss Thing
so well today.

Sorry.

Hey, I would do the same thing.

If I was roasting you,

I'd make fun
of your bestselling book.

[all laugh]

Oh!

If you had one.

But that's the whole point.

Funny's funny, you know?
It didn't matter.

Nobody's feelings
are getting hurt here.

It was hilarious.

Thank you, Juju.

Thank you, Ru.

I declare, Blair St. Clair.

[purrs]

I love your runway look tonight.

-Oh, thank you.
-I think it's so fun.

It fits the theme of freak out
so well, and it's elevated.

There's fashion in here.

I love your hair and makeup.

Reminds me
of a young Siouxsie Sioux.

I am so interested to know
what your dreams are like.

[all laugh]
Oh, they can be kind of dirty.

Your comedy, um,

I think in your case,
Blair,

it was a case
of over-preparation,

because you did not take
your eyes off of that pad.

You were literally
looking and doing this.

What it felt like was
once you got through a joke,

you went slightly panicked
to try to turn the page.

And there were moments
of silence, unfortunately.

I think that book would have
made a great bunch of tweets.

[all laugh]

You know?

But, like, in person,
you have an audience here,

so, like, make sure
they're on board.

It's a relationship.

Also, there is a difference
in roasting and just mean.

Some of the comments to the
guest judges were just mean.

And at one part, I just
kind of felt bad for you.

Miz Cracker is whacker.

Whacker every day.

I was so afraid that Miz Cracker

would once again
get in her own way,

but it was so fun
to watch you do your thing.

You were hilarious.

You commanded the stage.
You came out with energy.

You had the audience in the palm
of your hands from the get.

And all your jokes were
the sort of compliment/insults

which are manipulative
in the best way.

Oh, my goodness.

See? You're working it
right there.

[all laugh]

Your comedy was funny.

You seemed very much at ease
on that stage.

I loved that jumpsuit.

You were in your element,

and watching you
be so good at it,

I sort of pictured myself

living happily with you, me,
and Ross as a thruple.

[all laugh]
Oh, my goodness.

So ready.

I think I'm the top.

[all laugh]

That's funny.
Tell another one.

[all laugh]

The runway look
is very different

than everybody else's
interpretation of freaky.

I was kind of going for,
like, what if death was a ho?

I'll clue you in.
Death is a ho.

She gets around, you know?

It definitely was freaky for me,

and it seemed
very unique to you.

And you are so unique.

I think this was
exactly what you needed to do

at this point
in the competition, Cracker.

Thank you.

Up next, Shea Butter Couleé.

Hey!

Tonight on the runway,
this is kind of freaky,

but it's kind of safe, Shea.

I've seen you do
some really crazy stuff.

For me, a unitard
with a harness over it

and a multicolor jacket
with some platforms

is not really the craziest
you could do.

I actually agree with Michelle.

Your look is really fun.

You could see this in the club.

It's just not elevated
like the other girls.

Okay.

Let's talk about
the comedy challenge.

For starters, that red dress
was, like, what?

Oh, my God.

I would love to borrow it
sometime.

We could talk about that later.

Now, for your standup, terrific.

Like, such confidence.

It was your turf.

I was so impressed
that you had memorized it,

that you didn't have your cards.

We talked in rehearsal
about your point of view.

And your POV right now

is working out that loss
against Sasha Velour.

And when we get to the point
where we can laugh about it,

it cleanses us of it.

By opening up your heart
and your vulnerability,

we were able to laugh with you,

and it was
really beautiful to see.

Thank you.

Thank you, ladies.
I think we've heard enough.

Based on the judges' critiques,
I've made some decisions.

Miz Cracker.

Con-drag-ulations. You're
the top All Star of the week.

[applause]

Thank you all.

You've won an amazing
eight-night South African safari

and wine country adventure,

courtesy
of South African tourism.

A lifelong dream.

Now, ladies, if you're not
the top All Star,

you're in the bottom.

[exhales]

Miz Cracker, you need to decide

which of the bottom queens
to send home

if you win the lip sync

against this week's
lip sync assassin.

The rest of you need to vote

for which bottom queen
you think deserves the chop.

Thank you, ladies.
You may leave the stage.end act

[whistles] Girl.

Mm, yeah.

You made it?

When I hear that I'm the winner,
I think two things.

First of all, eee, I did it!

I did the thing!

And second of all,
if I win this lip sync,

I'm gonna have to vote
someone off today.

I love every one of these girls,

but it's not about that today.

This vote is about who I wanna
go up against in the finale.

-Congratulations, Miz Cracker.
-Yeah, girl.

Again, congratulations,
Miss Thang.

-Two weeks in a row.
-Thank you.

Hands down, you deserved to win.

-Absolutely.
-Look at this hand.

What, these peasant fingers?

Oh, my goodness.

Watching you,
I was angry at myself.

Because watching you,
I was, like,

Cracker is being Cracker
at a show.

And I was, like, ugh.

I wish I was Blair
at a show today.

I completely and totally choked

right before
this last elimination.

It is time for that last vote.

Ugh.

We're all gonna vote today.

Which sucks.

-Yeah.
-Ugh.

It's gonna pain me
to pick a lipstick.

I know, me, too.

We all have to think about this.

I don't think it's necessarily
fair to just go on wins.

I know. I don't, either.

And I think an All Star
is someone

that doesn't necessarily
have to win every challenge,

doesn't necessarily
have to be the top.

And I feel like in this
competition we've all grown,

but I feel like I've had,
like, this immense growth.

And I've dedicated
my entire heart and soul

to be in the end.

I'm not done, because
I'm conquering still.

You continue
to surprise everyone,

and all of us want to see more.

I feel like
it is Blair's time to go.

She was the weakest this week,

and of the track records
of the remaining queens,

she just doesn't stack up.

But I'm just hoping that we're
all kind of on the same page,

because if not,
who knows how this could go?

I think I should stay here
because, um...

I went through a really
difficult and dark time.

I built up this humongous dream
with these huge expectations,

and I worked really hard,
and I got really close.

And there was a point

where I didn't know
if I would get over that hurt.

But I've worked on myself a lot,

and I want this

more than anything that
I've ever wanted in the world.

Yeah.

Vivacious.

Okay, well,
I've worked my ass off,

and the drag queen
that sits right here now

is not the same queen
that was in this werkroom

a decade ago
when I walked in for Season 2,

and not even the same queen
that walked in on All Stars 1.

Right now, drag is what's
making me feel alive.

I don't wanna be cliché,
but I have a lot more to show.

And I know we're at that point
in the competition

where hard decisions
have to be made,

and it pains me
to even think about it.

[sobs] This is very hard.

I painted these tears on
for a reason, guys.

-[laughs]
-She said.

They're actually happening.

I love you.

I love you.
I love your unicorn horns.

I love you all, actually.

I love you, too, man hands.

You know why
we're all emotional?

It's because the four of us
have this amazing connection.

We've become this family here,

and we've all worked so hard
to get to this point.

Hey, Ru, it's Juju.
Are you there?

Are you still
gonna make us vote?

Because this is hard.

-[sighs]
-[sighs]

-[sighs]
-[sighs]

All right, ladies, we have to go
to the ladies' room,

because this may be the biggest
elimination of our lives.

Uh, Juju.

What?

Just don't forget
your Poo-Pourri.

Thank you so much, Cracker.

It's not even for you.
It's, like, for us.

All right.

Don't forget to spray it
before you go.

On a scale of one to 10,

I want to make it
to the top three a billion.

Like, off the scales.

[sighs]

I feel like
these are my sisters,

and I'm taking away
somebody's dreams.

I'm so sorry, babe.

But everybody wants the crown,

and there's only one way
to get there.

I think of you as a sister.

I love you both so much,

and I have grown so close to
both of you in this competition,

I'm voting for someone

that I know will forgive me
for this choice later.

This win puts me
in sight of the crown,

and there's nothing
I won't do to get it.

Weary is the neck that turns
the head that wears the crown,
girl.

So I know what I have to do.end
act

Welcome back, ladies.

Miz Cracker, are you ready
to meet your lip sync opponent?

I'm ready, Ru.

-Are you sure?
-I'm positive.

The time has come

to present this week's

lip sync ass...

sss...

...ssassin.

-Latrice?

Ru-veal yourself!

Who is it?

-Marianne Williamson.
-Oh!

Excuse me. We're over here.

Ooh!
[all laugh]

Hey, girls.

Not this!

Kennedy Davenport.

Kennedy!

The flip master!

I'm very worried.

Newark, LaGuardia,
Kennedy Davenport.

Good to be back.

Ladies, tonight's lip sync
will determine which queens

make it through
to next week's grand finale.

Kennedy Davenport
holds the lipstick

of the queen that the group
has voted to go home.

If Kennedy wins the lip sync,

the queen on her lipstick
gets the chop.

Are you ready to slay?

-Ready, mama.
-Ready.

Two queens stand before me.

Miz Cracker, this is your chance
to impress me,

win $20.000,

and earn the power to give one
of the bottom queens el choppo.

The time has come...
[thunder]

for you to lip sync...

[echoing] for your legacy!

Good luck,
and don't fuck it up.

[music plays]

♪ Well, I remember it all
very well lookin' back ♪

♪ It was the summer
I turned 18 ♪

♪ We lived in a one-room,
rundown shack ♪

♪ On the outskirts
of New Orleans ♪

♪ We didn't have money
for food or rent ♪

♪ To say the least
we were hard pressed ♪

♪ Then Mama spent
every last penny we had ♪

♪ To buy me a dancin' dress ♪

♪ Well, Mama washed and combed
and curled my hair ♪

♪ And then
she painted my eyes and lips ♪

♪ Then I stepped into
a satin dancing dress ♪

♪ That had a split on the side
clean up to my hip ♪

♪ It was red velvet trim,
and it fit me good ♪

♪ Just standing back
from the looking glass ♪

♪ There stood a woman where
a half-grown kid had stood ♪

♪ She said,
here's your one chance, Fancy ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ She said,
here's your one chance, Fancy ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ She handed me
a heart-shaped locket ♪

♪ That said
to thine own self be true ♪

♪ And I shivered
as I watched a roach ♪

♪ Crawl across the toe
of my high heel shoe ♪

♪ It sounded like somebody else
who was talking ♪

♪ Asking, Mama, what do I do? ♪

♪ She said, just be nice
to the gentlemen, Fancy ♪

♪ They'll be nice to you ♪

♪ She said,
here's your one chance, Fancy ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ Here's your one chance,
Fancy ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ Lord, forgive me
for what I do ♪

♪ But if you want out,
well, it's up to you ♪

♪ Now don't let me down ♪

♪ Now your mama's
gonna move you uptown ♪

♪ She said,
here's your one chance, Fancy ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ She said,
here's your one chance, Fancy ♪

♪ Don't let me down ♪

♪ Lord, forgive me
for what I do ♪

♪ But if you want out,
well, it's up to you ♪

♪ Now don't let me down, hon ♪

♪ Your mama's gonna
move you uptown ♪

♪ Oh, and I guess she did ♪

[applause]

Those were a lot of words.

Oh, I hadn't noticed.

Did you notice
that there were words?

Ladies, I've made my decision.

Miz Cracker,
you're a winner, baby.

Girl.

[applause]

Jeez.

Con-drag-ulations.

You've earned a cash tip
of $20.000.

Thank you, Mama Ru.

Kennedy, thank you
for coming, darling.

You may slay another day.

Always.
Back to the castle.

[all laugh]

[applause]

Will the bottom queens
please step forward?

Miz Cracker, with great power
comes great responsibility.

Which queen have you chosen
to get the chop?

You said it yourself.

These are all 10s here.

It is a close call.

But you taught me
to go with my gut,

and that is what I did.

The lipstick I chose...

belongs to Blair.

As it is written,
so it shall be done.

Blair St. Clair,

you are and will always be
an All Star.

Now sashay away.

[sobs]

I love you, baby.

-I love you.
-I love you.

I love you both very much.

Thank you so much
for changing my life.

I owe you everything.

I credit my personal growth

to my time
on RuPaul's Drag Race.

I feel like I kind of

fell in love with myself
all over again during this.

Learned to trust myself
and to believe in myself

more than I did
coming into this.

I still love you.

You're gonna
make it through this.

Yeah.

There's no such thing
as a perfect Blair St. Clair,

but the Blair St. Clair
that I am

is pretty damn good,
and I love her.

Well, I do declare,
I am the Blair St. Clair!

Shh!

[all laugh]

[applause]

My top three girls,
con-drag-ulations.

Next week at the All Star
grand finale,

one of you will be inducted

into the Drag Race
Hall of Fame.

Now I wanna hear from our fans.

Which queen do you think
deserves to win?

Are you Team Jujubee,

Team Miz Cracker,

or Team Shea Couleé?

Let your voice be heard
at RuPaul's Drag Race,

#AllStars5.

And tune in next week,
when we crown a winner, baby.

Now, if you can't love yourself,

how in the hell
you gonna love somebody else?

Can I get a "amen" up in here?

-Amen!
-Amen!

[telephone rings]

What?
[ring]

[ring]

Michelle, you answer it.

No, no, I'll answer it.

[ring]

Oh! Okay! All right!

Yes?

Yes, I hear you.

Next week?

But it's the grand finale!

All right, all right,
all right.

If you must.

[cries]

Now, where was I?

Oh, right.

Now let the music play.

♪ I am American,
American, American ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ The red, white, and blue ♪

♪ I am American,
American, American ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪vote

♪ Just like you, too ♪

RuPaul: Next time
on All Stars...next

You're in the top three.

-Top three!
-Brrrrr!

I generally love
a good threesome,

and this was the top three
that I anticipated.

I feel like I've done this
before, twice.

Not well enough.

[shouting and screaming]

Awoo-err?

India said that I was
campaigning with Mayhem

to send Shea home.

I thought we were cool.

Wait, what?

-Wait a minute!
-Oh, so what, you mad?

Is there an alliance?

I love this, by the way.
[all laugh]

This drama is too good.

For this final maxi-challenge,

you'll collaborate
on my latest song Clapback.

Seven, eight, clapback.

Juju, how you feeling?

-Terrible.
-[laughs]

Can I just clap?

And turn, hip, and lean up.

It can sometimes come off
a little bit sloppy

or a little bit rough
around the edges.

There's a 33% chance
that one of us will win.

Who wants it the most?

Me. The pressure is on.

The whole season
rests on this performance.

RuPaul: The next queen
to be inducted

into the Drag Race
Hall of Fame is...

[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]

♪ I am American,
American, American ♪credits

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ The red, white, and blue ♪

♪ I am American,
American, American ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ Just like you, too ♪

♪ Am-Am-Am-Am-American,
American, American ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ The red, white, and blue ♪

♪ I am American, American ♪

♪ Just like you, too ♪