Original subtitles

(whimsical music)

- Boy, it is a beautiful day out, Uncle Martin.

Hey listen, what say you and I go to the beach, huh?

Huh.

What are we not shooting there, tenuous Pete.

Us sheepherders ain't aiming to make no trouble.

Yeah, nope, nope, yeah, nope, nope.

- Tim, this is no time for levity.

You are looking at the first model

of the UMMS, the Ultrasonic Microcosmic Molecular Separator.

- Hm, okay, I'm impressed.

What am I impressed about?

- As you know, all matter is composed of molecules

held together by physical attraction.

With my UMMS, I can tear the molecules

away from each other.

- With that peashooter?

Oh, come on Uncle Martin, are you

sure you haven't been walking around

the smog too long.

(audience laughter)

- Tim, may I borrow your watch?

(wandering, mysterious music)

(audience laughter)

- It's disappeared.

It's gone.

- Not gone, just changed to a molecular state.

As you know, a molecule is much too small

to be seen with the naked eye.

- But that's absolutely the most

unbelievable thing that I've...

My watch.

I still have three payments due on it.

- Stop worrying.

This tabulating dial registers

the number of molecules as they separate.

Now all I have to do is make sure

the same number is within range.

(clicking)

Now,

to throw the separator into reverse

and

voila.

(wondrous music)

(audience laughter)

- That's just fine.

What do I do now, walk around with a sundial

strapped to my wrist?

(audience laughter)

(audience laughter)

- Well now, perhaps that will teach you

not to refer to my

Ultrasonic Microcosmic Molecular Separator

as a peashooter again.

(audience laughter)

(high-pitched beeping)

(mysterious, alien music)

(cheerfully wondrous music)

(whimsical music)

(whistling)

(audience chuckling)

(mischievous tones)

(audience laughter)

- Uncle Martin.

Come here quick.

(audience laughter)

I think I goofed.

(nervous laughter)

Why doesn't it come back for me

like it did for you?

- Because micro-sonic waves increase

in geometric proportion to distance.

When they hit that wall

they had enough force to blow the molecules

all the way to West Covina.

I hope this will teach you not to fool

around with things you don't understand.

(audience laughter)

- Think I should send Mrs. Brown a bill

for improving her property?

- Let's hope she doesn't send us one

for the unsolicited job of air conditioning.

Oh Tim, Tim I'd just as soon not try

to explain this.

So get rid of the evidence, quick.

(foreboding music)

(knocking)

(audience laughter)

(audience laughter)

(knocking)

Why, Detective Brennan, how nice of you

to whip up a batch of brownies for us.

- I did not whip them up for you

or for anyone else.

Mrs. Brown asked me to bring them up.

- I hope you didn't misappropriate any.

(laughing)

I'll check the count with Lorelei later.

Good day, Detective Brennan.

- What's the big rush for, O'Hara?

Does it make you feel uneasy having

an officer of the law around?

- On the contrary, sir, as Simonides said,

"Go tell the Spartans."

And I say the same to you and your fellow officers,

"Thou who passest by that here obedient

"to their laws we lie."

- Perhaps.

But then again, Emerson, if I may,

returned the quote said,

"The louder he talked of honor,

"the faster we counted the spoons."

Methinks thou dost protest too much.

- Now just one second, Detective Brennan,

you can not make insinuations about my uncle--

- Now now now now now, O'Hara, don't be so sensitive.

Your uncle and I have something in common.

A mutual distrust of one another.

(audience laughter)

(audience laughter)

(playfully foreboding music)

That's a novel way to hang a picture.

- Detective Brennan, if you don't mind,

we spent hours getting it at the exact angle

to express the mood of the artist.

- Why don't you admit it, old man?

Despite all your big talk about being

a mechanical genius, you can't even

hang a picture straight.

Oh.

Your latest brainstorm.

What is it, a new kind of corn-popper?

Don't tell me, let me guess.

The corn and butter go in here

and then you pull this lever here?

- Brennan, no.

(audience laughter)

- He de-moleculed himself.

- Fortunately enough, he was close to the ray,

so his molecules are still within range.

You Earth-people, you see a lever

and you have to pull it.

Why on Mars, even a three year old--

- No no, no, sh, sh.

Maybe he can hear us.

- Impossible, he's in a state of suspended animation.

- Oh.

- Tim, watch what you're doing.

You're scattering Brennan's molecules

all over the place.

- I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, but how are we

gonna put the pieces all back together again

when we can't even see them?

- Well, I'm quite sure I can adapt

the magnetic polarizer of my spaceship

for retrieving purposes.

You'd better come with me.

I don't want you kicking poor Brennan's molecules

all around.

(audience laughter)

- Boy, it's a good thing we're around

to help Brennan in his hour of need.

- Did it ever occur to you that he

wouldn't be in need if it weren't for us?

Well don't worry, in a few moments

we'll have him back good as new.

(whimsical music)

(audience laughter)

- Oh hello, boys.

I'll bet you're surprised to see me.

- I'd say stunned is a more accurate word.

- Or even petrified.

- I noticed yesterday this room

needed a good cleaning.

Now don't you dare thank me.

- It's rather difficult, but I'll restrain myself.

- It's nice to know one's good deeds

are appreciated.

Oh, by the way, Martin, Mr. Brennan

did deliver my brownies, didn't he?

Huh, that's funny, he left without saying goodbye.

- He didn't say goodbye to us either.

- Why, Martin, you actually sound hurt.

Now come on, admit it, you're beginning

to like him.

- Lorelei, I can truthfully say

I've never felt closer to Detective Brennan

than I am right now.

- Well, I'm sure he feels the same way

about you.

Oh, by the way, I do like the way

you've hung that picture.

It's so abstract.

So New Wave-ish.

Bye.

- I'll take that for you, Mrs. Brown.

- Oh, thank you.

- Bye.

- My vacuum cleaner.

- Oh, how clumsy of me.

Are you gonna let her just walk out of here

with a bag full of Brennan?

- I didn't want to arouse her suspicions

by asking her to leave it right after

she'd cleaned the place.

When she leaves it on the service porch,

we

just borrow it.

- Oh.

- Oh, this is my lucky day.

Oh, sir, would you mind dumping this?

(audience oohing)

- All right, I'll tell you what,

we'll give Mrs. Brown five minutes

and then we'll sneak downstairs and...

Uncle Martin, come here, quick.

Come here, come here, come here.

Look, look.

- Ah, thank you very much.

- [Martin] Just give me elbow room.

(audience laughter)

(hysterical audience laughter)

(clicking)

- Oh.

Boy, if we had to make someone disappear,

why couldn't we have picked a midget?

You think you've got him all?

- No, no, there's still a few left.

12 o'clock, I had no idea it was this late.

- Uncle Martin, how can you think of lunch

at a time like this?

- I was thinking of something far more important.

In less than an hour, the ionic charge

in the molecules will become devitalized.

I'd never forgive myself.

(clicking)

Hm, this is a scientific miracle.

We managed to find every one of them.

- Well we should hurry up.

You've got this room so hot

you could poach an egg in here.

- I'm sorry, but after their exposure

to the outside air, I thought it best

to restore the molecules to your body temperature.

(footsteps)

(foreboding music)

- Oh, Martin, Tim, Detective Brennan is missing.

His car is still outside and they've checked his home

and they've checked his friends,

and they've even checked the receiving hospital.

- Lorelei, who are they who have been

busy checking these things?

- The police department.

The lieutenant says he's four hours late

and he's never been late before

without calling in.

- Maybe he's in no condition to dial a phone.

(audience laughter)

- You may well say that, the lieutenant says

there's all kinds of criminals

who are out to get even with police officers.

Oh, I'm so worried.

- After what you just told us, I am too.

(audience laughter)

- When I told him we'd seen Mr. Brennan

this morning, he said he'd send a man

over to investigate.

He's on his way over right now.

Oh my goodness, it's close in here.

You boys will suffocate.

(audience laughter)

You know, if I didn't think of your welfare,

Martin, I don't know who would.

(audience laughter)

- Brennan?

Brennan?

(audience laughter)

Brennan?

(whimsical tones)

47 more of Mr. Brennan's molecules.

- Where'd you find them?

- On the eucalyptus tree next door.

- Oh.

- I almost got a hole bored in my hand.

That woodpecker thought I was trying

to steal his lunch.

(audience laughter)

- What's that?

- A harmless preparation to keep me apprised

of the condition of particles.

As long as that glow persists and we hear

that electronic vibration, it's an indication

that the molecules are still active and healthy.

- Oh, well, let's not worry about their health.

Start thinking about ours.

Do you realize that the cops are gonna be

snooping around here any minute?

- Before we put him together, we have to make sure

he's all there.

Let's see, with the 47 I just added,

we have a grand total of 18 billion,

79 million, 427.

I'm afraid we're still two molecules short.

(audience laughter)

(clicking)

Ah, we're in luck.

There's one in this chair.

(knocking)

- Who's that?

- I'm getting vibrations of suspicion

and hostility.

(knocking)

(audience laughter)

- O'Hara and O'Hara?

Detective Collins.

- Nice to meet you, Detective Collins,

but we're rather busy at the moment.

Would you mind coming back later?

- Climb all those stairs again?

Why don't I ever get a case where everybody

lives on the ground floor?

(audience laughter)

Every night, Francis says to me,

Harry,

(groaning)

Harry...

This is my wife, Francis.

(audience laughter)

Why don't we ever go out like other people?

All I ever do is sit at home and watch you

soak your feet.

- Well have you ever tried hot Epsom salts,

'cause I understand that they're just...

(audience laughter)

- The only thing that'll help me

is a new pair of feet, period.

(sigh)

Let me see now, what'd I come in here for?

Oh yeah yeah.

I understand that you two were the last

to see Brennan before he...

(chuckles)

(whistles)

Disappeared.

- I wish you wouldn't use that air of finality.

I prefer to think he's still with us.

(audience laughter)

- [Collins] He say where he was going when he left here?

- No, no.

As a matter of fact, he

left rather suddenly.

- Yeah, like he was just here one second

and then (raspberries) gone.

- Good ol' Brennan.

- You musta liked him.

- How could anyone help liking

such a lovable chap?

- That's funny,

because according to the boys down

at the station, his dislike for you

was only exceeded by your dislike for him.

(audience laughter)

Nice painting.

(suspenseful music)

(audience laughter)

Very nice painting.

Yes.

But I don't know anything about art.

But Francis does.

That's my wife.

- Yeah, well why don't you look down

in this corner?

The brush work is very interesting.

- Very interesting.

But,

I don't know anything about art.

But,

I do know something

about

fresh plaster.

- How'd that get there?

- Well, I don't know, but let's just suppose

let's just suppose that somebody

fired this weapon right at that wall.

Projectile might make a hole just like that.

- Weapon?

That's not a weapon.

It's a scientific invention of mine that,

that,

well, I don't wanna bore you with a lot of

scientific talk.

- Well that checks out.

Your landlady tells me you got a workshop

in the garage.

Look, I don't wanna have to go

up and down those stairs a dozen times.

Why don't you fellas be nice?

Don't you wanna change your story?

- Story?

You mean you think we had something

to do with Brennan's disappearance?

- Well, it's got nothing to do

with Brennan, really.

I mean, I hardly even knew him.

But it's my job to find out what happened to him.

And if it's my job, I'm gonna do it.

And I think I'll start by looking

in that workshop of yours.

You mind if I take a look?

- Not at all.

Oh,

my goodness, I seemed to have lost the key.

- Oh the key to the garage.

Well yeah, yes, I had one

in my pants.

The ones I sent to the cleaners.

(laughter)

- No problem.

I'll break the lock.

- Oh.

- You don't wanna do that.

That lock means a great deal to me.

A gift from an aged aunt.

- Why can't people be nice?

Now I'm gonna have to go to all the trouble

to getting a search warrant.

(whimsical music)

Oh,

if you fellas think of anything

you wanna tell me,

I'll be around.

- Ah,

there is something I'd like to tell you,

Detective Collins.

You have a lot of plaster on the back here.

(audience laughter)

(heavy sigh)

- Oh you got it, huh?

- I'm afraid they're becoming devitalized.

We've got to find that last one

in a hurry.

- Are you kidding?

With a noose around our necks?

Look, Brennan's not gonna miss

one little molecule among all those billions.

- Tim, every molecule in the body

is there for a purpose.

Suppose that missing one is from

the heart valve, or from his brain.

- Not with his brain, what difference

does it make?

Okay, okay.

If I were a molecule, where would I go?

(audience laughter)

- Lieutenant, what's holding up

that search warrant?

Oh, look, never mind, never mind,

the clerk from Judge Pimberman's office

is here right now.

Thank you.

(beeping)

- Hm.

How come we're in there clonking out on this?

How can you be so stubborn?

If that detective ever finds out

that you're a Martian because he's

snooping around so much--

- Tim, the fact that I am a Martian

makes it imperative that I bring Brennan back

in a perfect state.

- Well I don't get that.

- Some day, our two planets

are going to accessible to each other,

and already there are enough

misconceptions about Martians being

warlike monsters.

I don't care to add fuel to the fire.

- Uncle Martin, if

you ever need a character reference

from a humble human being,

call me.

- Thanks, Tim.

I don't know anyone I'd rather have it from.

Oh, stop being maudlin and get to work.

It's going to take Collins some time

to get a search warrant.

Before then, we can bring Brennan back

and I won't need a character reference.

(suspenseful music)

- Uncle Martin, come here, quick.

- Jumping Cassiopeia, my spaceship.

My interstellar driver's license.

(audience laughter)

(alien tones)

(audience laughter)

There.

That oughta keep his mind off detective work

for a few minutes.

- Oh a lot of good that's gonna do.

No molecule, no Brennan.

- Well don't give up yet.

There's an old saying,

while there's life, there's hope.

- Did you have to use the word life?

I can just hear those iron gates

clanging shut.

Well if I'm gonna have to live on

bread and water, I might just as well

enjoy myself.

(clicking)

- Oh, the missing molecule.

It's around here somewhere.

- Oh yeah?

- Yeah.

(clicking intensifies)

Eureka.

(beeping)

- Hang on, Brennan, the Marines are on their way.

- With minutes to spare.

- So you got nothing to hide in that garage, huh?

Then how come you got a lock on it

that does that to a tempered steel blade?

- Martin, I've tried to assure

Detective Collins that you couldn't

possibly have anything to do with Detective...

(beeping)

- What was that?

- We've been meaning to talk to you

about that, Lorelei.

It seems a family of yellow-bellied sapsuckers

have been making their home in the rafters.

- Yellow-bellied sapsuckers.

- Yes yes, that's right, yes.

All night long they kept us up just by

going, cheep, cheep.

That's right, all night long,

just cheep, cheep, cheep.

- When you nature lovers are through

discussing your fine-feathered friends...

- Detective Collins is right, we're wasting

his time when he could be home

in an easy chair resting his weary feet.

- Don't remind me.

- Oh no no no, don't try that one.

Take another one, Detective Collins.

That one has a bad leg.

(alien tones)

(audience laughter)

- [Mrs. Brown] Oh say, have you ever tried pickled brine?

It's supposed to be excellent for aching feet.

- No kidding, what kind, dill or gherkin?

What am I doing talking about pickles?

O'Hara, you're right, you're right, you're right.

You're coming downtown with me

and answering a few questions.

- Well, if you insist.

(audience laughter)

But aren't you going to be embarrassed

when Brennan shows up?

I've got a feeling he's right in this room

with us.

- Oh don't worry about my embarrassment.

Think about yours if you don't come up

with the right answer.

(whistling)

- It didn't work.

The clothes and the shoes are there,

but Brennan's not in them.

- Your human molecules are less efficient

than those of cowhide and fabric.

If we don't give them an additional charge

of comeback rays, Brennan will really

be gone for keeps.

- O'Hara, let's go.

Oh, you better come too.

I have a feeling you're in this

as deep as your uncle.

- Oh, Detective Collins, I'm sure

that Martin and Tim don't--

- Don't you worry.

If they're innocent, they have nothing to fear.

Now remember, don't touch anything.

The boys from the crime lab will be here

to take the place apart.

Let's go, O'Hara and O'Hara.

(mischievous music)

- Oh.

Would you excuse me?

(alien tones)

(audience laughter)

Well, shall we go?

It's a lovely day for a ride.

- You are a cool customer.

(audience laughter)

(gratuitous yawning)

What was that?

Well I'm gonna find out.

(audience laughter)

- Why, Mr. Brennan, what a surprise.

- You're supposed...

I mean they said...

What were you doing in there?

- I haven't the faintest idea.

- Oh what difference does it make

as long as he's back?

Bill, what were you doing in there?

- Doing?

I don't know.

I seem to have fallen asleep.

- On your feet?

- Everything's so confused.

I feel like I've been away somewhere.

- All that matters is that you're back.

Welcome home, Detective Brennan.

- [Tim] Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

(whimsical music)

- Oh, Mr. Brennan.

- Bill.

- Oh, Bill.

If you're gonna have the week off,

I'm gonna nurse you back to health.

You'll come here every morning

and spend the entire day.

And Martin'll take long walks with you

and he'll read to you and he'll play chess.

Why you two will be just like brothers.

- Me his brother for a whole week?

- No no no.

(audience laughter)

- You're right, Tim.

I've got to fight temptation.

(alien tones)

(audience laughter)

As an old Martian saying goes,

the best way to fight temptation

is to get rid of it.

(audience laughter)

(joyfully mischievous music)

(ominous, exciting tones)