All language subtitles for Mike Tyson Mysteries s04e03_English

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

"Dear, Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,
my name is Edward Kunt,

"and recently, I discovered
I have an identical
twin brother

"whom I've never met.

"Could you please
help me find him?

"Best regards,
Edward Kunt."

Hmm.

Probably didn't need
to write my full name twice.

Here, little pigeon.
(CLICKS TONGUE)

There you go.

(GROANS)

Son of a bitch.
How the hell
does anyone do this?

MARQUESS: (SIGHS)
We shouldn't condone
this behavior.

It's errand day, Marquess.
Everybody gets to choose
one errand.

And Pigeon wanted
to go the park
so he could buy some drugs.

Forty bucks
for half ounce.

(SCOFFS) Either the market
for crystal meth
fell off a cliff,

or I just bought
a bag of rat poison.

Well, only one way
to find out.

Finally.

Hmm. That's not rat poison,

but also I'm not
getting that

hard-dicked,
crazy crystal meth
tingle either.

Jesus, what the (BLEEP)
is happening to my legs?

Oh, (BLEEP)
This is horrible!

My blood is thick.

My brain is freezing cold.

Everything is...

What is he doing?

Is that something
we should be
concerned with?

There you go, little guy.

Now, go find
the Mike Tyson Mystery Team.

-Fly!
-MARQUESS: Pigeon!

Oh, my God.
You're here!

Oh, I was trying
to send you this.

"Dear, Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,

"my name is Edward (BLEEP)"

Oh, actually it's
pronounced Kunt.

"...and recently I discovered
that I have
an identical twin brother

"whom I've never met before.

"Can you please
help me find him?

"Best regards,
Edward (BLEEP)"

Kunt.

Well, Mr. (BLEEP),
that sounds like
an amazing mystery.

And we'd love to
help you find your
identical twin brother.

Unfortunately, we have
a strict policy

that we never take mysteries
when we're out
in the general public.

All mysteries must be
attached to a pigeon,

which must fly
to our home

where a member of our team
will process it and submit it
for approval,

which could take
anywhere from
immediately to never.

Whoa.

That was transcendent.

Hey, guys.

You got a new mystery here.

Whoa, you still
live here, Deezy?

Not for long. Not for long.

I just put in an application
on an apartment
over by the airport.

And I should hear something
in the next little bit.
Very soon I'm sure.

"Dear, Mike Tyson
Mystery Team,

"my name is Edward (BLEEP)

"and recently, I discovered
that I have an identical
twin brother

"whom I've never met."

Wait. (BLEEP) sounds familiar.

Have we met a (BLEEP) before?

I could swear,
we met a (BLEEP).

Yung, do you remember
a (BLEEP)?

Hmm, (BLEEP).

(BLEEP)

For God's sakes,
you idiots are the (BLEEP).

The name is obviously
pronounced Kunt.

Have you never met
anybody named Kunt?

By God, it's a common surname.

Why, when I was boy,

the family at
the end of the lane,

they spelled it with a "C",

and they pronounced it Kunt.

Oh, yes, I remember well.

Harry Cunt
and his wife Ima.

"Ima Cunt."

And he had
two lovely daughters,

Yura and Bea.

"Yura Cunt
and Bea Cunt."

To the Mystery Mobile.

Hey, Edward.
We have got your mystery
and we are all here

to help you find
your identical twin brother.

Oh, uh, I sent that
so long ago.

Like, a year ago.

Hey, hey, we get this
bullshit complaint a lot.

It's like, "Why does it take
so long from the time
I wrote my message

"to you for you to get it?"

All I can say is
these are birds we're
dealing with, okay?

Birds, that have no idea
where I live.

It is a miracle
any birds with any
mystery messages

ever end up at my house.

So take your complaint
and shove it up your ass,
mother (BLEEP).

Now let's go find
your twin brother,
mother (BLEEP).

-Michael?
-I'm sorry, I just don't
like complainers.

Never had, never will.

But do you know
what I really
cannot stand?

All this heat lately.

I have no energy
and the reason
is the heat.

I just want it to be fall,
but then, it's like,

you go somewhere,
you gotta remember
to bring a jacket.

I don't need that headache.

Life is hard. FML.

I'm over it.
I'm sick and tired
and over it.

But don't listen to me.
I just like
to complain sometimes.

Okay, so back to
finding your twin brother.

Oh, I already found him.

When I didn't hear from
you guys, I hired
a private investigator.

Apparently, we were both
given to an orphanage
as babies

and then adopted
by separate families.

-His name's Thomas.
He lives near Reno.
-Oh.

Ugh, I feel bad.
You came all this way.

Well, do you have
any other mysteries?

Uh...

I don't think so.

Okay, well, if you ever
need anything,
here's my card.

"Tony Havrasian.

"Home media installation
and repair."

Aren't you Mike Tyson?

Yeah, and that guy
gave me that card,

and it's my card.

And now, it's your card.

And you'll give it
to someone,

and then that person
will give it to someone,

and so on, and so forth.

It's called
the circle of life.

You take care, Mr. (BLEEP).

(CAR DOORS OPEN AND CLOSE)

How did he beat us here?

Dad, it takes us forever
to get anywhere

because you refuse
to make left turns.

Sixty-two percent of crashes
involve left turns

as opposed to 3.1%
involving right turns.

As they say,
"Three right turns
make a left."

It'll maybe take
a little longer,

but as they say,
"Sixty-two percent
of the crashes

"involve left turns

"as opposed to 3.1%
involving right turns."

So, what is it, Edward?

Oh, I'm not Edward.

Oh, then you must be Thomas,

from Reno?

Uh, no.

My name is Lawrence.

I was hoping
you could help me.

You see, I've recently
discovered that I have
identical twin brothers.

I want you to
help me find them.

So, Edward and Thomas
don't know about me?

-I guess not.
-But you know
where they both live?

Well, we know
where Edward lives.

DEEZY: And Edward knows
where Thomas lives.

-MARQUESS: Oh, my God.
-(LAWRENCE SCREAMS)

Hey, Deezy, how you know
about any of this?

You butt-dialed me
about three hours ago.

I've been listening
to everything.

You guys talk
a lot of shit about me
behind my back.

EDWARD: It's just so much
to take in.

When I found out
I was adopted,

I wanted to meet
my birth parents,

but the agency said
they couldn't reveal
their identities.

But they did tell me
I had an identical twin.

I wonder why
they didn't tell me
there were three of us.

I'm sorry,
do you have any wine?

I mean, we could all
go inside and have
a glass of wine.

Not that I need wine.
It's just 4:30,
and I'm... I mean, I just...

I just look
forward to it, okay?

It's a thing
I look forward to.

Let's go see Thomas.

Ooh. Does this mean
that we're all going
to just outside of Reno?

Ooh, that's number five
on my bucket list.

-Incredible!
-After all these years.

Who are you calling?

Oh, why do you care?
Why are we even still here?

I'm calling
the adoption agency.

I want some answers.

Starting with who are
our birth parents.

Wait.

I know who our
birth parents are.

They raised me.
I wasn't put up
for adoption.

Would you like to meet them?

They live in
Medford, Massachusetts.

No one's gonna believe me,
but number three
on my bucket list

is go to Medford,
Massachusetts
and just hang out.

Man, I'm crossing
shit off my bucket list
like crazy today.

The name of this episode
should be, The Bucket List.

Oh, we made it.
Thank goodness.

It's just starting
to get crowded in here.

Mother? Father?

There are a couple
of gentlemen here
who would like to meet you.

Who do you have
with you, Lawrence?

Oh! What?

Herman, you lied.

I couldn't kill 'em, Stella.

They were just babies.

What are they talking about?

I'll tell you.

You deserve
to know the truth.

Forty-three years ago,
your mother and I

suffered the greatest loss
any parent can have.

Our only child, Lawrence,

was eaten by an alligator
while on an outing
to the zoo.

I tried to pull him
out of the jaws
of that terrible beast,

but all I got back
were his little feet.

So, I raced back
to my lab,

where I was doing
high-level cloning research,

and I did what
any parent would do.

I made a clone
of my own son.

But, here's where
it gets tricky.

I somehow ended up with three.

No one wanted three.

How would we
explain it to the neighbors?

Where there was one boy
there are now three.

We didn't know
what else to do.

Herman assured me
it would be a painless death.

But when I looked
into your eyes,

you had Lawrence's eyes,
of course.

I did what
any parent would do.

I drove you
straight to the orphanage,

hopefully, never to
see you again.

Then some time ago,
I got a call.

One of you was asking
about your birth parents.

I knew that it was only
a matter of time

before you found one another,

and discover that you're
not identical triplets.

You're clones.

Clones of a sweet little boy

long dead in the belly
of an alligator.

So I sent Lawrence,
this Lawrence,
the fake Lawrence

to find you two
and bring you here,

so I could do what
any parent would do.

Murder you!

Okay, now, you keep
using that expression,

"What any parent
would do" and I'm not sure--

-Oh, my God!
-(YUNG HEE SCREAMS)

LAWRENCE:
It had to be done, Father.

-(GUNSHOT)
-(LAWRENCE GROANS)

Herman!

How could you kill our son?

Our son died 43 years ago.

Our mistake was simply doing
what any parent would do.

My God!

And now, I'm afraid
I have to kill all of you.

-(GRUNTS)
-Wow, wow, I did it.
Number two on my bucket list.

I just punched a man
in the face.

That was the one
I never thought
I'd get to do.

Under what circumstances
will I ever hit a man
right in his face?

Now there's only
one thing left
on my list.

-(GUN COCKS)
-Kill Pigeon.

What?

Number one on
my bucket list
is to kill Pigeon.

Wha-- What the (BLEEP)
are you doing?

(GASPS) This is
amazing, Michael.

You're gonna complete
your entire bucket list today.

What are you
waiting for, Dad? Do it.

-Pull the trigger.
-PIGEON: What?

Please. Please, no. No.

What's the matter
with you people?

(GUNSHOT)

EDWARD: Oh, my God,
you're here.

Oh, I was trying
to send you this.

I recently discovered
I have an identical
twin brother,

and I was hoping
you could help me find him.

Oh, I don't wanna do that.
That sounds boring.

If I had a bucket list,
which I don't,

because I think
bucket lists are stupid,

but if I did, helping finding
your twin brother
would not be on it.

Come on, everyone.
We have to finish
running our errands.

Wow.

That really was transcendent.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)