Original subtitles

(MAN GRUNTING)

(SIGHS) Mmm.

Hmm?

Your Highness, I'm afraid your prostate

is not responding to the treatment we have tried.

This news is most grievous. What are our options?

Surgery.

But you have said that carries risk of impotence.

I am Prince Abdur Farook.

I have a different woman in my bed every night.

My sex parties are legendary.

Impotency is a risk I cannot take.

But we put you on alpha blockers, um...

We did transurethral microwave thermotherapy.

Even transurethral needle ablation.

Never speak of the needle ablation again.

Or I will have you buried in the desert

with your testicles set alight

and stuffed in the mouths of your children.

Yes, Your Highness.

I'm sorry, I have failed you.

I... I really thought the prostate would have shrunk.

It's a mystery.

A mystery?

Yes, medically speaking.

Silence, or I will have your anus removed

and stitched to the face of your mother's father.

-My... My grandfather? -I told you not to speak.

-Remove his anus, find his mother's father. -No!

Please! My mother's father died 20 years ago.

Then dig him up from the ground.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(SIGHS)

If you are a mystery,

then I know who will solve you.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Your presence is requested in Dubai, United Arab Emirates

by his highness, Prince Abdur Al Farook.

(GASPS) An Arabian Prince?

How fabulous, and in Dubai?

Oh...

I can wear my Isis costume.

What the (BLEEP).

Why would you have an ISIS costume?

What... Why wouldn't I?

I feel powerful and sexy in it.

What?

Marquess, it is unacceptable to dress like ISIS.

Well, you know what?

We're just gonna have to agree to disagree.

Hmm. I wonder what the mystery is.

I bet it has something to do with the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

It's a mystery they don't get along. They're neighbors.

Hey there, Mike.

Shelly and I are having a neighborhood potluck on Saturday, be great if you--

What the (BLEEP) are you doing looking over my wall, mother(BLEEP)?

Stay on your side or I'll launch missiles on your ass,

you dumb piece of shit.

(YELPS) This hotel room is bigger than our house!

Ah, I see they went for understated elegance.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take a shit

in one of our seven gold toilets.

(MUEZZIN CALL ECHOING)

The Middle East.

The most peaceful place on Earth.

(KNOCKING)

Greetings, Mr. Tyson.

I am Mahmoud Bin Rahim.

Personal secretary to his highness, the Prince.

I trust your flight over was comfortable?

The first couple of hours was comfortable.

But the next, man, I mean like, 17 hours, man,

we were uncomfortable as (BLEEP).

Ah, um...

Perhaps you are not familiar with the Dubai code of conduct.

I'm afraid profanity and all vulgar language is strictly forbidden.

Oh, oh, no shit?

Other offenses include being drunk and disorderly,

public displays of affection,

drug use, homosexuality.

We have a strict dress codes.

Dancing and playing loud music are banned.

Gossip and rumor mongering are forbidden.

Oh, hey, you know, I hate to gossip

but I heard, you know, rumors that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith,

you know, they have an open marriage.

-You know anything about that? -Dad, he just said that's forbidden.

But I can tell by the look on his face, he knows somethin'.

Are there any other rules we need to know about?

Well, there are many strictures specific to women

but obviously, that doesn't apply to either of you.

So, you know... (CHUCKLES)

God, I love a bidet.

A little powerful for someone of my stature, but...

You can't argue with the results.

I mean, look at that asshole. You can eat dinner off it.

Hey, there.

So, Mahmoud, can you tell us anything about the mystery?

Everything you need to know is contained in this medical report.

The Prince would like you all to join him tonight at his home.

Where you can discuss this matter in private.

Okay, cool.

Hey, dude, there's a big mall here, right?

-Oh, yes, the largest in the world. -They got a Versace here?

I believe they do.

But perhaps your time is better spent studying the medical report?

The Prince is most anxious to have this matter resolved.

Cool. Do you know if they're open now?

I'm askin' for a friend.

Yes, I'm sure it's open.

(WHISPERS) I wasn't askin' for a friend. I was askin' for me.

MARQUESS: Bow down to Isis, bitches.

That's right. I brought my Isis costume.

I even got my scepter through customs. (HUMS)

(CHUCKLES) But there was no way,

I was coming to the cradle of civilization

and not dressing like the goddess of fertility and love.

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, my God, you look like that murderer in Silence of the Lambs.

Mmm. Mmm...

Ooh, Prince Farook, that was delicious.

-What was that? -Roasted goat.

Mmm. It never tastes like that when I make it.

Well, now that we have had our pleasure.

Let us take care of our business.

You've had time to look over my file?

Yeah, when we got back from the mall.

I mean, we did it before we went to the mall.

And how do you wish to handle my prostate?

Very carefully.

(LAUGHING)

That's a prostate joke, but seriously, man.

We have no (BLEEP) idea.

We're not (BLEEP) doctors, man.

We couldn't read anything in that file.

(SCOFFS) Doctors are narrow minded fools.

But, you, Mike Tyson and your men...

Oh. My apologies, madam. I didn't mean to exclude you.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, thanks that's...

Oh.

I want you to use all of your mystery solving powers

to shrink my prostate.

Oh, shrink your prostate?

Okay, that's giving me an idea.

Now, you're gonna say this is because I just saw the movie Innerspace,

starring Dennis Quaid and that other guy from Three Amigos!

But it's not. It's unrelated.

I say you shrink us all down,

put us in, and I don't know what it was in Innerspace,

but put us in that thing that Dennis Quaid was in.

And then inject us in the tip of your penis

and we'll pilot the thing that's in Innerspace

all the way up your penis, to your prostate.

And then,

here's the part that's different from Innerspace,

we use the same stuff to shrink us,

to shrink your prostate.

Do you have access to this technology?

Oh, no, I have no idea. I don't think that exists.

I mean, we could go, maybe find people that worked on Innerspace.

But that movie's like 30 years old.

And it's a movie, so that's like, um,

make believe, you know.

And you're not gonna believe this

but I could eat some more of that goat.

I am not ready to give up.

I will use all of my resources to find someone

who can deliver this technology.

I know people in Pakistan, in Beirut, Syria.

Oh, that sounds like a good group.

I hope we get involved with all these people.

Maybe travel there. Meet them face to face.

No. You shall stay at the Burj and await my call.

I thank you, for you have given me hope.

This meeting is over.

Unless, um...

The lady would like to stay?

Okay.

What. Wait, that's it?

Aw, the night's over?

Ate too much goat.

I'm going straight to bed.

But first...

I'm going straight to one of those gold toilets.

-Yung? -Mmm. I think I'm just gonna take a bath and go to bed.

Ah... Pigeon, what do you say?

See what the, uh, club scene's like? Huh?

No.

I think I'll try and get in that bathroom before Yung

and hide in the towels and watch her bathe.

Something mellow, I'm kinda jet lagged.

What? So nobody wants to join Isis?

Oh! You might be unpopular, Isis, but I support you.

MAN: (WHISPERS) You... You support ISIS?

What? Uh, yeah.

(WHISPERS) Get in.

Oh, um...

Well, normally I have someone buy me a drink first, but...

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

-MAN: Again. -(WHIMPERING)

Prince Abdur Farook is an enemy of the Caliphate.

I will use my connections to gain access to the Prince.

Where I will set off my suicide vest, killing myself and him.

And be rewarded in heaven with 72 virgin maidens.

(MUMBLES) Can't wait.

He's ready.

Yung, Pigeon, I'm okay, I'm alright.

-What? -What... I'm back!

-What are you talkin' about? -Oh, my God!

Did none of you notice?

I was kidnapped...

For three weeks!

Really? Nope, didn't notice.

Oh, my God.

Well, apparently, there is a group of maniacs called ISIS.

And they do not mean the goddess of fertility and love.

(STAMMERS) Have you heard of these people?

Yes! Do you not read the news?

What? No. As a matter of fact, I don't because it's depressing...

MIKE: (OVER SPEAKERS) Okay, I'm nearing the prostate.

I mean, I think I am.

(MACHINES WHIRRING)

What... Shut the front door!

The shrinking thing worked?

We tracked down one of the production designers from the film Innerspace.

We were also able to meet Dennis Quaid. Okay, my friend.

On the control panel, to your left is a red button.

This will release a dosage of the same shrinking serum we used to shrink you

to shrink the prostate.

(GASPS) Marquess, is that a suicide vest?

Uh, yeah. I got it when I was kidnapped.

We will be fine as long as he doesn't press the red button.

MIKE: (OVER SPEAKERS) So, don't press the red button?

-Can I at least take it off? -No!

You must first clip that green wire.

Not red. Green. Green!

MIKE: (OVER SPEAKERS) Okay, green it is.

Pressing the green button now.

No! Pressing the green button will instantly re-enlarge--

-(SPLATTERING) -(SHIP POWERING DOWN)

Well, look on the bright side,

at least ISIS is gonna be happy.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, mighty Isis, lift me high.

Lift me high, so I can fly!

(WIND RUSHING)