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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:03,441
(THEME SONG PLAYING)
2
00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:11,683
Oh!
3
00:00:11,711 --> 00:00:13,881
Look at this darling crudite
plate you've put together.
4
00:00:13,914 --> 00:00:15,884
Don't mind if I do. (SQUEALS)
5
00:00:15,916 --> 00:00:17,416
Well, I mind if you do.
6
00:00:17,451 --> 00:00:18,921
We're bringing this to
the neighbor's house tonight.
7
00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:20,592
-What neighbors?
-The ones down on the corner.
8
00:00:20,620 --> 00:00:22,290
They invited us
to dinner tonight.
9
00:00:22,322 --> 00:00:23,762
Who invited us
to dinner tonight?
10
00:00:23,790 --> 00:00:25,060
Apparently, our neighbors.
11
00:00:25,092 --> 00:00:26,932
And what corner
are you talking about?
12
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,990
The one towards the freeway,
the ones with the
big driveway.
13
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,599
The Goodmans. John Goodman.
14
00:00:30,630 --> 00:00:33,170
-John Goodman, the actor?
-Huh?
15
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,400
Our neighbor is
John Goodman,
the actor?
16
00:00:35,435 --> 00:00:37,135
I don't know what he does
for a living.
17
00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:38,470
He's the guy from Roseanne.
18
00:00:38,505 --> 00:00:40,835
He's in all those
Coen Brother movies.
19
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:42,174
Argo.
20
00:00:42,209 --> 00:00:43,309
Argo wasn't
a Coen Brothers movie.
21
00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:45,283
You better bet your butt
it was.
22
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:47,452
Takes place in Fargo,
North Dakota.
23
00:00:47,481 --> 00:00:49,751
The Coen Brother wife
won an Academy Award.
24
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:52,383
You better look it up, man.
It's called Fargo.
25
00:00:52,419 --> 00:00:53,749
Right, but you said "Argo.'
26
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:56,757
Right. And John Goodman
is in it. Look it up.
27
00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:59,760
Well, this is exciting.
And it's tonight?
28
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:00,893
PIGEON: What's tonight?
29
00:01:00,927 --> 00:01:02,357
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
30
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:07,031
-What was that?
-Oh, the applause?
31
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,227
I had that installed.
32
00:01:08,268 --> 00:01:09,568
The alarm guy was here
33
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,473
and I gave him a couple
of bills to put this in.
34
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:13,465
There's a speaker
under the sink.
35
00:01:15,375 --> 00:01:17,575
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
36
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:20,011
But, seriously,
what's tonight?
37
00:01:20,046 --> 00:01:21,976
We have all been invited
to have dinner
38
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:25,245
in the home of none other
than the great character
actor, John Goodman.
39
00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:26,945
Dinner at John Goodman's, huh?
40
00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:29,787
I guess we shouldn't count on
any leftovers.
41
00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:31,123
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
42
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:33,759
Where are these sensors?
43
00:01:33,793 --> 00:01:37,163
Oh, hey. Whose idea was it
to bring these vegetables?
44
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:39,397
Not John Goodman,
that's for sure.
45
00:01:39,432 --> 00:01:41,202
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
46
00:01:41,234 --> 00:01:43,074
Okay, can you turn that off?
47
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,303
I have a better idea.
48
00:01:44,337 --> 00:01:47,467
Why don't I turn you on?
49
00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:49,237
(AUDIENCE CHEERING
AND APPLAUDING)
50
00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:57,516
Ugh!
51
00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:59,991
One day, I swear to God,
I'm gonna
break his little neck
52
00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,350
and bury him in the backyard.
53
00:02:01,388 --> 00:02:02,718
(AUDIENCE BOOING)
54
00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:06,964
PIGEON: The audience
does not like you, Yung.
55
00:02:06,993 --> 00:02:08,863
(DOORBELL RINGING)
56
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:11,955
Michael, you didn't wanna
wear something different?
57
00:02:11,998 --> 00:02:13,268
Oh, damn.
58
00:02:16,002 --> 00:02:18,072
Well, now what are you
gonna do with that?
59
00:02:18,104 --> 00:02:19,674
Well, I'll just leave it here.
60
00:02:19,706 --> 00:02:22,736
I bet I never have to wear
that ugly-ass tracksuit again.
61
00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:24,576
Ooh, nice bush.
62
00:02:24,611 --> 00:02:25,611
Ugh!
63
00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:28,153
Oh, hi. Welcome.
64
00:02:28,181 --> 00:02:30,121
What...
You're not John Goodman.
65
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,680
-Gil Zakaryan.
-Yeah. Gil Zakaryan.
66
00:02:32,719 --> 00:02:34,089
Not John Goodman.
67
00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:38,290
Hey, Gil. I hope you and Helen
like the crudite platter.
68
00:02:38,325 --> 00:02:41,355
I'm so glad
we're finally doing this.
69
00:02:41,394 --> 00:02:43,034
Oh! What is that?
70
00:02:43,063 --> 00:02:45,133
Oh, yeah. I didn't know what
to put in that middle part
71
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,495
so I just did butter.
72
00:02:46,533 --> 00:02:48,533
Who doesn't like butter,
right?
73
00:02:48,568 --> 00:02:51,068
So, Gil, what is it
that you do for a living?
74
00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,914
I was telling these guys
you're in The Big Lebowski.
75
00:02:53,940 --> 00:02:55,410
Oh, I'm a radiologist,
76
00:02:55,442 --> 00:02:57,482
although Helen keeps
asking me to retire.
77
00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,210
She wants to travel more.
78
00:02:59,246 --> 00:03:00,446
(CHUCKLES)
79
00:03:01,715 --> 00:03:04,845
Well, I could see both sides.
80
00:03:04,884 --> 00:03:07,924
Oh, Gil, did we already say
what you did for a living?
81
00:03:07,954 --> 00:03:10,394
Yes. Radiology.
82
00:03:10,423 --> 00:03:13,693
That's right.
Then we talked about Helen
wanting to travel more.
83
00:03:14,761 --> 00:03:15,861
Oh, my lord.
84
00:03:15,895 --> 00:03:17,895
-Can I have another drink?
-(TIMER DINGS)
85
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:19,301
What the f--- is that?
86
00:03:19,332 --> 00:03:20,532
Oh, that's just telling me
87
00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:22,597
to take the salmon
out of the oven.
88
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,696
Oh, good. We're having salmon.
89
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:33,714
Does anybody else's salmon
tastes weird, like,
90
00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:35,477
it's fishy, like it's rotten?
91
00:03:35,515 --> 00:03:37,445
(STAMMERS) It's delicious.
92
00:03:37,484 --> 00:03:39,624
Yours tastes just like mine,
Marquess.
93
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:42,353
I'm so sorry. I could get you
something else.
94
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:45,319
No, I don't want you
to have to go
through a lot of trouble.
95
00:03:45,358 --> 00:03:46,658
What kind of cereal
do you got?
96
00:03:46,693 --> 00:03:49,493
Um, we have
a bran type with raisins.
97
00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:52,599
I think we have granola
and maybe some muesli.
98
00:03:52,632 --> 00:03:54,872
I'll take the muesli.
99
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:57,071
So, Mike, what are you doing
these days?
100
00:03:57,103 --> 00:03:58,473
Oh, not much.
101
00:03:58,505 --> 00:04:00,965
Watch reality television,
hang out.
102
00:04:01,007 --> 00:04:04,707
I eat, I sleep,
I drive around sometimes,
103
00:04:04,744 --> 00:04:07,154
I go for walks, go for runs,
104
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,480
fishing, hiking,
105
00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:11,575
long walks on the beach
just holding hands,
106
00:04:11,618 --> 00:04:14,088
maybe a quiet dinner sometime.
107
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,720
No strings attached.
108
00:04:15,755 --> 00:04:18,655
In the end, it's not the years
you put in life that count,
109
00:04:18,692 --> 00:04:22,532
it's the life you put
in the years that count.
110
00:04:22,562 --> 00:04:26,772
Um, Michael has a mystery team
that we are all part of.
111
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:29,230
Mysteries? Oh,
that's got to be interesting.
112
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,699
Nope.
113
00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:33,537
You know, we've got
a little mystery ourselves.
114
00:04:33,573 --> 00:04:36,443
This was our son's bedroom,
but when he went away
to college,
115
00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:38,906
we decided to convert it
into a home office.
116
00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:40,475
I mean, I've always
wanted to write a book
117
00:04:40,513 --> 00:04:43,113
about my experiences
as a radiologist.
118
00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,249
Oh, can I pre-order that?
119
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,445
(LAUGHS)
120
00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:47,886
We just got
the carpeting done.
121
00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:50,791
Cost a fortune.
That and those blinds.
122
00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:52,664
But, Helen was in charge
of all that
123
00:04:52,692 --> 00:04:54,432
and I'm not supposed
to ask any questions,
124
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:56,831
just write the checks.
(LAUGHS)
125
00:04:56,863 --> 00:04:58,603
(GROANS) Is the mystery
why Helen thinks
126
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:00,901
louvered blinds
are still a thing?
127
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:04,442
Oh, no. Oh, damn,
I missed my mouth.
128
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,271
Who has a paper towel? Anyone?
129
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,506
I'll get it.
130
00:05:07,540 --> 00:05:09,410
So, long story short...
131
00:05:09,442 --> 00:05:11,482
What is the point
of saying that?
132
00:05:11,511 --> 00:05:13,611
No one ever says anything
short enough.
133
00:05:13,646 --> 00:05:15,876
And saying that takes up
even more time.
134
00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:18,875
Christ, why am I talking? Now
I'm wasting all of our time,
135
00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:20,248
and I'm sorry for that,
136
00:05:20,286 --> 00:05:22,216
but at least I don't preface
taking up all of our time
137
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,555
by saying, "I'm not gonna
take up all of our time."
138
00:05:24,591 --> 00:05:26,291
And yes, I'd f--- Helen.
139
00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:27,956
But first, pants her,
140
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:31,304
and spank that shitty cook
for that meal. (CHUCKLES)
141
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,131
That salmon, awful!
142
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,066
I mean, just awful.
143
00:05:35,101 --> 00:05:36,601
I'm sorry for you, Gil.
144
00:05:36,636 --> 00:05:39,636
Spent all day radiologing,
whatever the f--- that is,
145
00:05:39,672 --> 00:05:42,472
and then you come home
to a meal like that? Awful!
146
00:05:47,514 --> 00:05:48,584
That's better.
147
00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:50,115
So, as I was saying,
148
00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:52,450
this was going to be
this home office,
149
00:05:52,485 --> 00:05:54,345
and we can't get
the Internet in here.
150
00:05:54,387 --> 00:05:55,747
And I've called
the cable company,
151
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,319
and they gave me a booster,
152
00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,287
and then
they reset the router,
153
00:05:59,325 --> 00:06:00,685
and they say
the signal is strong,
154
00:06:00,727 --> 00:06:02,957
so, it's a mystery.
155
00:06:02,996 --> 00:06:04,196
No Internet.
156
00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:06,530
That's our mystery!
157
00:06:06,566 --> 00:06:08,466
The real mystery is
where your wife went
158
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:09,771
for that paper towel.
159
00:06:09,803 --> 00:06:11,303
Did she go
to the corner store?
160
00:06:11,337 --> 00:06:13,637
I mean, if I knew she was
going to the corner store,
161
00:06:13,673 --> 00:06:15,673
I would've had her pick me up
some rubbers
162
00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:17,108
and a pack of smokes.
163
00:06:17,143 --> 00:06:18,583
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
164
00:06:18,611 --> 00:06:21,011
What? How is that
happening here?
165
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:24,247
Don't get hung up
on the logic, just enjoy it.
166
00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:25,754
It's fun. We're having fun.
167
00:06:25,785 --> 00:06:27,885
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
168
00:06:27,921 --> 00:06:30,021
Here's the thing,
John Goodman.
169
00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:32,186
I wanna help you
with your mystery, right?
170
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,525
I really do.
171
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:36,560
But I don't like mixing
business and friendship.
172
00:06:36,596 --> 00:06:37,896
You and your wife, Gil,
173
00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:40,371
you guys mean the world to me,
you know?
174
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,870
I'm not saying no.
175
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:44,741
I'm just saying
let me think about it, okay?
176
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:51,179
Damn, motherf----- damn!
177
00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:53,651
My crudite platter.
178
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,750
-Let's go, let's go!
-Dad, slow down!
179
00:06:56,783 --> 00:06:59,523
Why do you need
your crudite platter so bad?
180
00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:02,392
Yung, that was a gift
from your mother.
181
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:03,792
-My mother?
-What?
182
00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:05,863
She left two things
at my doorstep.
183
00:07:05,892 --> 00:07:08,162
You and that crudite platter,
184
00:07:08,194 --> 00:07:11,204
and she said,
"Take equal care of both."
185
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:13,201
You've never said any of this.
186
00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:14,603
What else did she say?
187
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:16,604
I don't know.
After that, it was all a blur.
188
00:07:16,636 --> 00:07:17,796
But I made her a promise,
189
00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:19,397
and I'm gonna
honor that promise
190
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,739
for the rest of my life.
191
00:07:20,773 --> 00:07:23,643
Michael, can't we just
get it tomorrow?
192
00:07:23,676 --> 00:07:25,136
No. If we go over there
in the light of day,
193
00:07:25,178 --> 00:07:27,348
they'll want us to solve
their Internet mystery,
194
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,080
and I don't know
s--- about electronics.
195
00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:30,745
And then that guy
will be disappointed,
196
00:07:30,783 --> 00:07:32,423
and I'll lose my only friend
in the whole world.
197
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,422
Uh, "only friend"?
What about us?
198
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,124
That's a one-way friendship.
199
00:07:36,155 --> 00:07:37,185
You guys like me,
200
00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:39,393
but with the other guy,
we like each other.
201
00:07:39,425 --> 00:07:41,025
He's a radiologist.
202
00:07:41,060 --> 00:07:42,690
I esteem him.
203
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:46,555
All right, get down in there.
204
00:07:46,599 --> 00:07:48,069
What? What for?
205
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:50,271
We'll get under their house,
tunnel up,
206
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,003
and get the platter,
and nobody'll be the wiser.
207
00:07:53,039 --> 00:07:54,839
We can't just climb
into a window, Marquess.
208
00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:57,014
Somebody will see us.
And I'm a celebrity,
209
00:07:57,043 --> 00:08:00,083
and that shit will be all over
TMZ, man.
210
00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,453
And guess what then?
211
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,181
No more Mike Tyson Mysteries.
212
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:04,616
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
213
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:06,885
What, that's not funny?
214
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,790
I thought... I thought
that was supposed to be funny.
215
00:08:09,822 --> 00:08:11,322
Here you go, little buddy.
216
00:08:11,357 --> 00:08:12,857
Oh, thank you for placing me
217
00:08:12,892 --> 00:08:14,962
directly into this
fecal matter.
218
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:16,694
Hmm, now, what pipe would lead
219
00:08:16,729 --> 00:08:18,699
directly into
their living room?
220
00:08:18,731 --> 00:08:20,971
Yeah, you'd think
they'd be marked.
221
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,200
Ooh, here we go.
222
00:08:23,703 --> 00:08:26,743
What? What on Earth is this?
223
00:08:31,611 --> 00:08:34,111
(SOFTLY) Wait here.
I'll go get the platter.
224
00:08:36,282 --> 00:08:39,122
Why do they have a staircase
to the sewer?
225
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:43,017
(SOFTLY) She didn't
even wash it.
226
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:49,791
Do you guys hear that?
227
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:56,866
This doesn't look
like 75 kilos.
Explain yourself!
228
00:08:56,903 --> 00:08:58,143
Is it safe to talk here?
229
00:08:58,171 --> 00:08:59,801
The Feds,
they can listen anywhere.
230
00:08:59,839 --> 00:09:01,969
It's safe. I had
signal scrambles installed.
231
00:09:02,008 --> 00:09:04,608
I know it's working because
we have no Internet
in the room above us.
232
00:09:04,644 --> 00:09:06,414
My f------ husband
keeps bitching about it.
233
00:09:06,446 --> 00:09:07,776
Okay. Okay.
234
00:09:07,814 --> 00:09:10,354
We're having supply problems
in Acuna.
235
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:12,583
Everything is going
through Laredo,
and it's a nightmare.
236
00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:15,519
Hey, excuses
are like assholes,
everyone's got one.
237
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,285
MIKE:
Oh, damn, she's a drug dealer.
238
00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:18,493
Hey, policia!
239
00:09:18,524 --> 00:09:19,764
You son of a...
240
00:09:20,660 --> 00:09:21,860
(YELLING)
241
00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:27,995
The gun battle went on
for 20 minutes.
242
00:09:28,034 --> 00:09:31,774
Helen, who I knew as a wife,
a mother, a great cook,
243
00:09:31,804 --> 00:09:33,674
a talented home decorator,
244
00:09:33,706 --> 00:09:37,006
but who the Zetas cartel
knew as La Diabla,
245
00:09:37,043 --> 00:09:38,313
was killed.
246
00:09:38,344 --> 00:09:40,484
Shot 14 times.
247
00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:43,883
As a radiologist, I use
imaging techniques to see
248
00:09:43,916 --> 00:09:45,876
even the smallest
evidence of disease,
249
00:09:45,918 --> 00:09:47,648
yet as a husband I was blind
250
00:09:47,687 --> 00:09:49,817
to something
even more insidious.
251
00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:51,756
To make a long story short...
252
00:09:51,791 --> 00:09:53,021
Oh, my God.
253
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:55,029
My wife was using our home
254
00:09:55,061 --> 00:09:57,131
as the cocaine
distribution hub
255
00:09:57,163 --> 00:10:00,303
for the entire
Western United States.
256
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:02,200
The end.
257
00:10:03,836 --> 00:10:06,836
He said, "The end."
258
00:10:06,873 --> 00:10:08,613
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
259
00:10:11,744 --> 00:10:13,954
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
260
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:22,524
MARQUESS: What... Michael,
261
00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:24,855
you don't wanna wearsomething different again?
262
00:10:24,891 --> 00:10:27,261
Oh. Oh, my God.
263
00:10:27,293 --> 00:10:28,793
Why don't youjust wear the tux
264
00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:30,428
so you don't needthe tracksuit?
265
00:10:30,463 --> 00:10:32,933
Is this because you'retrying to be James Bond?
266
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:34,895
You are, aren't you? Okay.
267
00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:36,134
Take the shoes off.
268
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:37,739
Michael? Okay, there you go.
269
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:39,070
You should do that first
270
00:10:39,105 --> 00:10:40,465
and then this would bea lot easier.
271
00:10:40,506 --> 00:10:42,066
Do you need some help?
272
00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:43,538
Hmm? Okay.
273
00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:45,206
Fix your sleeve.
274
00:10:45,244 --> 00:10:47,754
On your jacket.Can you fix it?
275
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:49,680
There you go... No.You didn't do it.
276
00:10:50,116 --> 00:10:51,276
Michael?
277
00:10:51,317 --> 00:10:55,117
So no shoes? Just a tuxwith white socks.
278
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,094
All right. It is what it is.
20397
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