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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:03,340 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,867 MIKE: Marquess, come in here! 3 00:00:35,870 --> 00:00:38,840 (HUMMING) 4 00:00:38,839 --> 00:00:40,439 What's going on? 5 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:41,571 Have a seat. 6 00:00:45,945 --> 00:00:47,145 (GASPS) 7 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:48,978 (WHISPERING) I know what this is. 8 00:00:48,983 --> 00:00:50,353 This is an intervention. 9 00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:52,751 (GASPS) You all think I drink too much. 10 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,593 You know what? And maybe I do. 11 00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:57,488 Maybe I'm just a ghost who lately feels like he's lost his way. 12 00:00:57,491 --> 00:01:01,961 But my sobriety is my issue, not yours. 13 00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:03,132 So drop it! 14 00:01:03,130 --> 00:01:04,800 -Marquess... -No! 15 00:01:04,799 --> 00:01:07,669 No! It is my turn to talk now. 16 00:01:07,668 --> 00:01:12,538 You all have done enough talking behind my back 17 00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:16,180 about what you perceive to be my problem. 18 00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:19,077 This is about the three bottles of wine in the recycling bin, isn't it? 19 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:22,450 Well, what you don't know is that one of the bottles was corked, 20 00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:24,420 I shared the other bottle with our neighbor, 21 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,548 who is going through a difficult divorce. 22 00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:28,294 Which none of you know about, 23 00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:30,489 because none of you have bothered to ask. 24 00:01:30,491 --> 00:01:32,291 And the third bottle, well... 25 00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:33,833 I shouldn't have to explain, 26 00:01:33,828 --> 00:01:38,698 because I am a grown-up, who has had a shitty week. 27 00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:40,595 So (BLEEP) you. 28 00:01:40,601 --> 00:01:41,801 (BLEEP) you. 29 00:01:41,802 --> 00:01:43,242 And (BLEEP) you. 30 00:01:43,237 --> 00:01:45,467 And (BLEEP) this intervention. 31 00:01:45,473 --> 00:01:47,373 This isn't a intervention. 32 00:01:47,374 --> 00:01:48,814 We got a new mystery. 33 00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,009 We just reading it in here 34 00:01:50,010 --> 00:01:51,940 because it's 100 degrees outside. 35 00:01:51,946 --> 00:01:53,246 Oh. 36 00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:55,580 What's it say? 37 00:01:55,583 --> 00:01:57,853 It says you're a big (BLEEP) alcoholic. 38 00:01:58,451 --> 00:01:59,691 Ha! 39 00:01:59,687 --> 00:02:00,847 No, it doesn't. 40 00:02:00,855 --> 00:02:03,715 It says, "Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team, 41 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:07,194 "My name is Thomas Foley, and I need your help." 42 00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:09,734 THOMAS: Thanks for coming. 43 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:11,530 As I said in my message... (SIGHS) 44 00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:14,532 ...my wife, Diane, has been in a coma for nearly a year. 45 00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:16,765 She slipped on some ice in the driveway, 46 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,240 and fell and hit her head. 47 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:20,569 They thought she'd wake up after a few days. 48 00:02:20,574 --> 00:02:21,774 But the day has turned into weeks, 49 00:02:21,775 --> 00:02:24,175 and the weeks turned to months. 50 00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:26,178 Her vitals are normal. 51 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:28,810 The doctors say there's no medical reason for her to still be in a coma. 52 00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,516 I just... 53 00:02:30,518 --> 00:02:33,148 I can't bear the thought of spending another Christmas without her. 54 00:02:33,154 --> 00:02:34,354 (CELL PHONE CHIMES) 55 00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:36,715 Ben, can you turn that off? 56 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,687 This is my son, Ben. 57 00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:44,856 In his defense, what 18-year old wants to come home from college 58 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:46,765 to spend the holidays in the hospital? 59 00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:49,197 It must be hard for you to see your mom like this. 60 00:02:49,203 --> 00:02:50,373 She's my step-mom. 61 00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:52,371 -Ben! -What? 62 00:02:52,373 --> 00:02:53,913 It's been a hard year. 63 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,541 Well, on the bright side, 64 00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:57,514 -I bet her (BLEEP) has gotten real big, huh? -YUNG: Ew. 65 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,341 -(GASPS) Pigeon! -What? 66 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:02,306 It's a compliment. I like a hairy (BLEEP). 67 00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:04,145 (SIGHS) 68 00:03:04,151 --> 00:03:06,221 You say, "Don't talk unless I have something nice to say." 69 00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:09,820 Here I say something nice, and you don't like that either. 70 00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:11,523 Fine, I'll just sit here and say nothing. 71 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:13,385 (STAMMERING) I'm not saying that. 72 00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:16,304 I'm saying, "Talk if you have something relevant 73 00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,327 "to say about this woman's condition." 74 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:21,672 Okay, I think they should pull the plug and get on with their lives. 75 00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:23,099 -Oh, my God! Pigeon! -(YUNG GROANS) 76 00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,643 What, "Oh, my God"? 77 00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:27,738 I cannot win with you people. It's like a bad dream. 78 00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,211 (GASPS) That's it! 79 00:03:29,210 --> 00:03:31,380 Diane is in a dream! 80 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:34,108 Well, not an actual dream, but when you're in a coma you're in a dream-like state. 81 00:03:34,114 --> 00:03:38,054 And as a ghost, I have the ability to travel to the dream realm. 82 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:41,022 Ah! That's my purpose! 83 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,551 I can find her and talk to her, 84 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,586 and maybe even bring her back. 85 00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:46,392 Oh! That would be incredible. 86 00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:49,033 Uh, tell me about it. (SIGHS) 87 00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:50,829 I have just been so blech lately. 88 00:03:50,831 --> 00:03:54,271 You know what I mean? Just blech! 89 00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,198 I just feel like... I don't know. 90 00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:58,573 I just feel like I look around and everyone is doing better than me. 91 00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,972 I'm sorry that my life is harder than everyone else's. 92 00:04:00,975 --> 00:04:03,905 It just is. It's like, "Why me?" you know? 93 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:06,041 But now I am on a mission. 94 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,106 (CHUCKLES) 95 00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:08,514 Marquess to the rescue! 96 00:04:08,515 --> 00:04:10,415 Who wants to celebrate, huh? Come on! 97 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:13,817 I want every single person in this room to get off their derrieres, 98 00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:15,591 and follow me to the hospital cafeteria, 99 00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:19,419 because it is Margarita Monday. On a Tuesday! 100 00:04:20,860 --> 00:04:23,600 MIKE: So are we or are we not pulling the plug? 101 00:04:24,430 --> 00:04:25,900 Well, that's a lamp, so... 102 00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:31,542 (SCOFFS) No alcohol. 103 00:04:31,538 --> 00:04:35,868 How are all these people supposed to cope when they have sick relatives? 104 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,336 The chapel? Please. 105 00:04:37,710 --> 00:04:38,880 Pills. 106 00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:40,349 Take a couple of these. 107 00:04:40,347 --> 00:04:43,277 They do everything a margarita does without the sugar, Fatty. 108 00:04:43,284 --> 00:04:47,154 So, Marquess, how do we get to this dream realm place? 109 00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:49,824 Well, you can't go. Only I can. 110 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:50,963 But we're a team. 111 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:53,228 Right, but I'm the only one who's dead. 112 00:04:53,227 --> 00:04:54,627 No (BLEEP), Marquess. 113 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,158 That's why we're all going to kill ourselves. 114 00:04:56,163 --> 00:04:58,103 -What? -What are you out of your mind? 115 00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:00,828 It's the only way that we can solve the mystery. 116 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,534 Together, as a team. 117 00:05:02,536 --> 00:05:03,896 If I'm going to kill myself, 118 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,974 it'll be because of my massive depression, 119 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:09,373 not to help some bitch lying in a bed. 120 00:05:09,376 --> 00:05:12,906 And I don't care how big her (BLEEP) is. 121 00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:15,383 Don't look at me! I'm not gonna kill myself. 122 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,646 Wow. 123 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,451 I did not think you guys were going to say that. 124 00:05:20,454 --> 00:05:23,064 Man, I mean, I'm truly flabbergasted. 125 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,994 Well, we're in quite a conundrum, then. 126 00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:27,233 Why? 127 00:05:27,227 --> 00:05:28,787 Because I put poison in our drinks. 128 00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:30,626 -(PIGEON SCREECHES) -You poisoned us? 129 00:05:30,631 --> 00:05:32,961 It's called physician-assisted suicide. 130 00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,226 You're not a physician. 131 00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:36,844 And it's not suicide, you asshole, it's murder. 132 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,437 Okay, okay! Fine. 133 00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:40,539 Gee, man, let me... 134 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:43,381 Let me just find a nurse or someone who can just pump our stomachs before we... 135 00:05:45,611 --> 00:05:46,911 (GROANS) 136 00:05:48,214 --> 00:05:50,054 (GROANS) Oh, (BLEEP). 137 00:05:54,654 --> 00:05:56,864 Well, welcome to the afterlife. 138 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:59,257 Just as (BLEEP) as I told you it was. 139 00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:01,359 Oh, my (BLEEP) God! You killed us! 140 00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:02,892 You (BLEEP) killed us. 141 00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,096 Okay, guys. 142 00:06:04,098 --> 00:06:06,368 First let me start off by saying, I'm sorry. 143 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:07,867 Seriously, I'm... 144 00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:09,298 I'm very sorry. 145 00:06:09,303 --> 00:06:12,103 And second, look how white we are. 146 00:06:12,106 --> 00:06:14,206 Oh, (BLEEP)! Now I got to sound white. 147 00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:16,878 (HIGH-PITCHED) Hey, guys, who wants to come with me to the car wash? 148 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:19,777 I have a Subaru that I'm going to take it to get it washed. 149 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,180 I go to the car wash about two times per week. 150 00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:24,382 (IN NORMAL VOICE) Oh, shit! I sound so white! 151 00:06:24,385 --> 00:06:26,585 Guys! Guys! 152 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,487 Dad, can you be serious for a second? 153 00:06:28,489 --> 00:06:31,689 Oh, my God, Yung! You sound so white, too. 154 00:06:31,692 --> 00:06:33,692 What happened to your accent? 155 00:06:33,694 --> 00:06:35,994 So, this is for eternity now? 156 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:38,096 Did you hear that thing on NPR? 157 00:06:38,098 --> 00:06:42,128 I was driving in my Subaru and that's when I was listening to NPR. 158 00:06:42,136 --> 00:06:44,096 (EKG BEEPING) 159 00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:55,346 So, what do we do to get into her dream? 160 00:06:55,349 --> 00:06:56,979 We enter her. 161 00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:59,084 (HIGH-PITCHED) Well, guys, how on Earth are we going to do this? 162 00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,016 -Okay. -Like this. 163 00:07:07,193 --> 00:07:09,163 Oh, yeah? Well, if I'm going to enter her, 164 00:07:09,163 --> 00:07:11,903 I'm going to do it the way God intended. 165 00:07:13,499 --> 00:07:15,499 PIGEON: Holy Lord! 166 00:07:15,502 --> 00:07:18,972 Oh! This is almost too much of a good thing. 167 00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,912 (BIRDS CHIRPING) 168 00:07:22,608 --> 00:07:24,038 Whoa! Where the hell are we? 169 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:27,484 This is Diane's dream. It's her happy place. 170 00:07:27,481 --> 00:07:29,781 It's a manifestation of all of her fantasies. 171 00:07:33,019 --> 00:07:35,349 PIGEON: What is she, nine-years-old? 172 00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:36,785 Oh, there she is! 173 00:07:38,991 --> 00:07:40,491 (BIRDS CHIRPING) 174 00:07:52,271 --> 00:07:53,541 (SNIFFING) 175 00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:01,678 No wonder she hasn't woken up, her life is perfect here. 176 00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:06,023 There's her husband, Thomas! 177 00:08:06,019 --> 00:08:07,619 Oh, that's so sweet! 178 00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:09,961 She misses him as much as he misses her. 179 00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:15,693 Damn! 180 00:08:16,762 --> 00:08:18,102 (GROANS) 181 00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:21,198 DIANE: Get it out. Let me have it. Yeah. 182 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:23,971 There's nothing wrong with a husband and wife making love. 183 00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:26,471 Oh, really? What about a stepson and stepmom? 184 00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:28,243 Where do you stand on that? 185 00:08:28,242 --> 00:08:30,712 DIANE: You're so big! You're so much bigger than your dad! 186 00:08:31,777 --> 00:08:33,907 MARQUESS: Oh, no! YUNG: Oh, my God! 187 00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:36,084 (DIANE MOANING) 188 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:39,453 Wow! Well, he's really pounding her. 189 00:08:39,453 --> 00:08:41,523 What a (BLEEP) on that kid, huh? 190 00:08:41,522 --> 00:08:44,862 He's giving her the wood like a good man should. 191 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,788 So the reason she's staying in a coma is because... 192 00:08:47,794 --> 00:08:50,464 It's the only place she can (BLEEP) her stepson. 193 00:08:50,464 --> 00:08:51,734 Oh, my God! 194 00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,732 (DIANE MOANING LOUDLY) 195 00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:56,304 Oh, okay! Can we just get out of here, please? 196 00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:57,843 What about bringing her back? 197 00:08:57,838 --> 00:09:00,338 PIGEON: My goodness! That is a load! 198 00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:01,840 Oh! Here comes more! 199 00:09:01,842 --> 00:09:03,382 What is that? That must be like a gallon. 200 00:09:03,377 --> 00:09:05,107 -Will you guys look at this? -(BEN AND DIANE MOANING) 201 00:09:05,112 --> 00:09:06,912 Why am I the only one watching this? 202 00:09:06,914 --> 00:09:07,954 YUNG: Huh? 203 00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:09,678 Hey! What's happening to you guys? 204 00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:12,683 DOCTOR: Can you hear me? Can you hear me? 205 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:14,286 Can you hear me? 206 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,119 Are we still in the dream realm? 207 00:09:18,125 --> 00:09:19,515 No, you're in the ICU. 208 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:21,826 We had to pump your stomach. Someone tried to poison you. 209 00:09:21,828 --> 00:09:24,128 Oh, shit! That's (BLEEP) up. 210 00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:26,161 (EKG BEEPING) 211 00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:28,826 -Hello? Um, Diane? -DIANE: Ben, harder! Harder. 212 00:09:28,835 --> 00:09:30,695 -DIANE: Oh, slow down. Slow. -Diane? 213 00:09:30,704 --> 00:09:32,074 Do you, um... 214 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:34,772 Do you wanna come back, or are you good here? 215 00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,405 DIANE: Don't stop. Don't you stop. 216 00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:37,940 Yeah, she's good here. 217 00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:40,575 DIANE: Let's never stop (BLEEP). Never! 218 00:09:43,449 --> 00:09:44,979 We're just so sorry. 219 00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:48,645 We looked everywhere, but we just couldn't find her. 220 00:09:48,655 --> 00:09:51,785 Of course, we'll waive the usual mystery fee. 221 00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:54,732 I just hope where ever she is, she's not in any pain. 222 00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:56,798 I don't know! It's a pretty big (BLEEP). 223 00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:57,997 -I'm sorry? -Nothing. 224 00:09:57,998 --> 00:10:00,668 -He didn't say anything. -Dad, look! 225 00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:03,027 Diane! (SOBBING) You're back! 226 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:05,066 And just in time for Christmas! 227 00:10:06,639 --> 00:10:08,009 Oh! 228 00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:10,078 (MOANING) 229 00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:11,607 Oh, dear. 230 00:10:11,612 --> 00:10:13,282 (DIANE MOANING) 231 00:10:29,228 --> 00:10:31,528 Oh, man! I could really never think of my... 232 00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:33,131 When I think of my happy place, 233 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,733 I have to really consider some... 234 00:10:35,736 --> 00:10:37,966 Really, some asparagus. 235 00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:41,241 Yeah, man. Asparagus is really good, you know? 236 00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:44,681 (BLEEP) Like the hearts of the (BLEEP), damn. 237 00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,678 Artichoke, artichoke heart. 238 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,680 Oh, forget that. With garlic. 239 00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:50,452 Oh, my wife is so good at that stuff. 240 00:10:50,450 --> 00:10:52,250 It's just a little over-garlicky. 17675

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