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1
00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:10,343
-Dear...
-Hold it, Marquess.
We're all not here.
2
00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,644
Hey, Pigeon.
3
00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:13,675
Pigeon! We got a new mystery.
4
00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:17,581
PIGEON: Oh, that's
great, but I'm watching
pornography, so.
5
00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:24,757
Hmm, yeah, I'll just
go ahead and start 'cause
that's gonna be a long time.
6
00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:26,229
"Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team,
7
00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:29,897
"I'm trying to sell
my house on Okanagan Lake,
8
00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:32,597
"but I cannot until I track
down my ex-husband, Richard.
9
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:36,400
"His name is on the deed and
I've just found out he never
signed the divorce papers.
10
00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:41,044
"One more thing, he may be
hard to find because, several
years ago, he became a..."
11
00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:42,612
(GASPS) "A pigeon?" (GASPS)
12
00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:44,440
-(GASPS)
-"Sincerely, Sandra Sanchez."
13
00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:46,245
Oh, my God!
14
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:48,347
"Oh, my God" is right.
15
00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:51,419
We'll never find this guy.
Do you know how many pigeons
there are in the world?
16
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:53,649
Dad, she's talking
about our Pigeon.
17
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,854
Which one?
We have tons of pigeons.
18
00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:58,316
The one that lives
in our house.
19
00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,455
Oh, you mean Pigeon?
20
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,130
(BLEEP) her.
21
00:01:02,129 --> 00:01:04,629
Why haven't you signed
the divorce papers?
22
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:08,072
I thought I did. Jesus,
if I missed a (BLEEP) page,
23
00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:10,699
maybe it was because
I had my hands full
24
00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:15,874
dealing with all the
psychological ramifications
of becoming a (BLEEP) bird.
25
00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:18,006
(MAN AND WOMAN
MOANING ON LAPTOP)
26
00:01:18,012 --> 00:01:21,182
-Can you turn
that off, please?
-It's almost over.
27
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:25,422
-(MOANING CLIMAXES)
-MAN: Diego,Diego, Diego, Diego!
28
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:28,349
(MAN GRUNTING)
29
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:31,855
Heh. They all end
the same way.
30
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:35,859
Hey, what are you guys
doing in here? I didn't see
you all come in. (LAUGHS)
31
00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:38,163
Can I offer anybody a drink?
Something to eat?
32
00:01:38,165 --> 00:01:41,165
No, thanks. Come on,
we gotta go talk to Sandra.
33
00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:42,898
I'm not goin'.
34
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:45,403
Pigeon, you need
to deal with your past.
35
00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:47,106
This poor woman
needs to move on.
36
00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:50,678
"This poor woman" is a witch
who turned me into a pigeon.
37
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:54,778
If there's any justice in the
world, we'd get those Salem
witch trials going again
38
00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:57,222
and burn her
at the (BLEEP) stake.
39
00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:58,578
Oh, my God!
40
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,086
Hey, kid, let me clue
you into something, huh?
41
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,988
There's no (BLEEP) God.
(CHUCKLES) You got that?
42
00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:07,731
And if there was,
if God really does exist,
43
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,528
and he let that bitch
do this to me,
44
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:12,700
well, then, God is the
biggest piece of (BLEEP)
in the Universe.
45
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:19,100
And I will say that to his
dumb (BLEEP) face when
I see him on my way to Hell.
46
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,536
To the Mystery Mobile.
47
00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:24,342
I told you, I'm not going.
48
00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:29,105
Oh, you're going or my name
is not Michael Gerard Tyson.
49
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:31,146
That's your (BLEEP) name?
50
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,216
(MARQUESS GROANS)
51
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:39,894
This doesn't seem right.
52
00:02:39,894 --> 00:02:43,404
It was the only way
I could get him in the car.
53
00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:45,857
Are you hot?
Do you need any water?
54
00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:50,497
Uh-uh, he's still giving
me the silent treatment.
55
00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:13,262
When I said we should
get Sandra a hostess gift,
I didn't mean Twinkies.
56
00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:16,130
-Where are you
headed, travelers?
-(SCREAMS)
57
00:03:16,130 --> 00:03:18,830
Jesus Christ, old man,
you scared the (BLEEP)
out of me!
58
00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:21,432
We're going up
to Lake Okanagan.
59
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,765
Stay away from the lake.
60
00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:27,871
Beware of Ogopogo!
61
00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:30,735
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
62
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:34,184
(BLEEP) you, (BLEEP).
Don't be saying weird shit
to people and laughing.
63
00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:37,321
I'll knock your
goddamn head off, (BLEEP).
64
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,622
(GASPS)
65
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,894
(BLEEP), man, I can see
you in the reflection.
66
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:47,433
Don't you know
who the (BLEEP) I am?
67
00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:50,528
I'm Mike mother (BLEEP)
Gerard mother (BLEEP) Tyson.
68
00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:53,431
I will beat the living
(BLEEP) out of you,
you mother (BLEEP).
69
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:58,604
Ogopogo! Ogopogo! Ogopogo!
70
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,969
(BLEEP) Crazy.
71
00:04:01,976 --> 00:04:04,776
Damn, Pigeon, you didn't
tell me you were rich.
72
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,648
Oh, welcome to my home.
73
00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:11,548
Nice to meet you, ma'am.
I'm Mike Tyson and this
is the Mystery Team.
74
00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:13,652
Oh, here, these are for you.
75
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:16,224
Twinkies, my favorite.
You shouldn't have.
76
00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:18,993
I don't suppose you've
had any luck finding Richard.
77
00:04:18,993 --> 00:04:21,063
Actually, we brought
him with us.
78
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:26,125
(GASPS) Is that Richard?
79
00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:30,403
Oh, for God's sakes, Pigeon.
Stop it. Say something.
80
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:31,974
(COOS)
81
00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:36,777
Damn, I think I brought
the wrong pigeon.
82
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,177
(SIGHS) Dad.
83
00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:41,948
(ALL EXCLAIM)
84
00:04:43,816 --> 00:04:46,846
All right, payment up front.
85
00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:03,369
Uh, you know,
on second thought, forget it.
86
00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:07,310
I'll still pay you, but I...
I don't think
I want to have sex.
87
00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:15,681
Hey, where are you going?
You still gotta (BLEEP)
me off, see.
88
00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:18,319
Richard was such a gentleman.
89
00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:22,289
When we met, I was
a 21-year-old beauty
queen from Nicaragua,
90
00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:27,129
and here was this
sophisticated financier
who swept me off my feet.
91
00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:29,727
Oh, muchas gracias. (CHUCKLES)
92
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,500
By the way,
I love your shoes.
93
00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:34,528
-Oh, no, thank you,
ma'am. I don't drink.
-I'll take his.
94
00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:37,035
-Oh, I'm not, I...
I'm 18, can't.
-I'll take hers.
95
00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:41,807
He was so charming,
smart, handsome, rich.
96
00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:45,239
Everything you could want
in a man. A prince.
97
00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:48,005
Here, see for yourself.
98
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:51,945
Oh, my God! That's Pigeon?
He's gorgeous!
99
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:55,992
I mean, right? I mean,
you guys think so, right?
100
00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:57,719
We used to make love
all the time.
101
00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,515
On this very couch.
102
00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:02,426
Well, that was an unnecessary
piece of information.
103
00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:07,169
We had the perfect life,
but it was all a lie.
He lied about everything.
104
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:10,437
The money,
the other women, the drugs.
105
00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:13,707
He took my dignity
and he crushed it like,
like a...
106
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,407
-Like a can?
-No, no, like a...
107
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:18,840
-It's a little thing.
How do you say?
-A flower?
108
00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:21,676
-No, not a flower! A, uh...
-Like a flea?
109
00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:24,652
A flea? Insecto? No, like a...
110
00:06:24,651 --> 00:06:26,351
Like a dream.
111
00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:28,523
Well,
"Crushed it like a dream"
is not an expression.
112
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:32,092
So, don't, like,
scold me like I'm an idiot.
113
00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,732
-So, you turned him
into a pigeon?
-What?
114
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,458
Did he tell you that?
115
00:06:36,463 --> 00:06:39,733
-Yeah, he said
you were a witch.
-(GASPS)
116
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,273
I'm a deeply religious person.
117
00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:44,199
I prayed every night
to God above.
118
00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:48,074
I said to him, I said, "God,
show me the money, Mary.
119
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,875
"Show me who he really is.
Not the lies.
120
00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:53,548
"Show me the truth.
Show me the real Richard."
121
00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:58,477
And he did. God made
him a dirty pigeon, not me.
122
00:06:58,485 --> 00:07:00,815
(CRYING)
123
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,351
(SCREAMS)
124
00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:10,400
Why would that dumb bitch
want to sell this place?
125
00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:13,627
-Pigeon?
-Richard! I mean, Pigeon.
126
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,104
Uh, what are you...
127
00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,402
I mean, we, we, we missed you.
128
00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,344
The (BLEEP) is
the matter with you?
129
00:07:19,339 --> 00:07:21,939
I'm proud of you, Pigeon.
You came to confront
your past.
130
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,482
-Yeah, where is she?
-She went upstairs.
131
00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:26,708
(PIGEON SIGHS)
132
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:28,683
We used to (BLEEP)
on those stairs.
133
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:32,282
Come on, guys. Let's
go outside and give
them some privacy.
134
00:07:38,090 --> 00:07:40,690
How long do we have to give
them? It's freezing out here.
135
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:43,964
We can wait in the van,
but I left the keys
in the house.
136
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,134
Oh, I'll go get 'em.
137
00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:48,002
-Oh, dear God!
-What?
138
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,771
Do you have a crush on Pigeon?
139
00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:54,671
-Pfft. No.
-(GASPS) You do!
140
00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:57,235
Whatever.
141
00:07:57,244 --> 00:08:00,514
See, Michael, this is
why Yung needs to get
out and date.
142
00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:04,084
Otherwise, she'll end up
with the first good-looking
bad boy she meets.
143
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:07,454
She needs experience.
She needs to, dare I say,
144
00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:09,724
sleep around... (SCREAMS)
145
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:13,793
Sorry, Marquess, it was
just, ever since Yung was
dropped off on my doorstep
146
00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:17,034
as a little Asian baby,
that's the only way
I can see her.
147
00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,800
She'll always be that little
Asian baby who was dropped off
on my doorstep.
148
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:23,901
Mmm-hmm. That's nice.
Am I bleeding?
149
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:26,844
I don't think so.
Would your blood be white?
150
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:31,240
I never notices you had
a mustache, Marquess.
And you wear glasses?
151
00:08:31,245 --> 00:08:33,205
I guess I never really
looked at your face before.
152
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:35,253
-Ogopogo!
-(BOTH GASP)
153
00:08:35,249 --> 00:08:38,349
I told you to stay
away from the lake.
154
00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:40,492
Ogopogo is coming.
155
00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:44,057
Ogopogo! Ogopogo!
156
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:47,527
God almighty, that mother
(BLEEP) is going to give
me a heart attack.
157
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,928
You old son of a bitch.
158
00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:53,270
(SANDRA MOANING)
159
00:08:53,267 --> 00:08:54,127
(GASPS)
160
00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,974
(SANDRA AND PIGEON MOANING)
161
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,742
SANDRA: Richard. Oh, yes, yes!
PIGEON: Oh, Sandra.
162
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:05,213
Richard, oh, ai, ai!
163
00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,482
Michael, you shouldn't
be in there.
164
00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:09,151
(BLEEP) that (BLEEP),
Marquess!
165
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,619
I'm not gonna let that old,
crazy mother (BLEEP)
166
00:09:10,617 --> 00:09:12,617
tell Michael Gerard Tyson
what to do.
167
00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:15,989
-Aren't you cold?
-Yeah, I'm cold.
I feel like I'm gonna die,
168
00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:18,389
but no one's gonna
tell me what to do.
169
00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:20,832
Oh, thank God.
We can get in the car.
170
00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:23,957
Oh, right, the, the keys.
171
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,634
You... You forgot the keys?
172
00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:28,372
You were in there for half
an hour. What were you doing?
173
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:32,068
-Um...
-Everyone, we have
an announcement.
174
00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:36,882
I'm quitting the Mystery Team.
Sandra and I are
getting back together.
175
00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:38,837
-What?
-Way to go, Pigeon!
176
00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:41,075
Congratulations,
you son of a gun.
177
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:46,921
God, you answered
my prayers before, I ask
you to answer them again!
178
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,960
Richard no longer
deserves to be alone,
179
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:51,817
trapped in the body
of a pigeon!
180
00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:54,925
Oh, Sandra, you poor,
ignorant savage. (CHUCKLES)
181
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,128
There's no God.
182
00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:03,003
Oh, please, God. Please.
183
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:05,943
I'm asking you, begging you,
184
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:09,509
once more, to use your powers.
185
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,339
Yes, yes.
186
00:10:11,345 --> 00:10:14,505
And turn me into
a pigeon, too!
187
00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,624
Turn you?
Wait, what... (BLEEP)
188
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:21,220
No! No, you dumb bitch!
189
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:25,061
You were supposed to get Him
to turn me back into a man!
190
00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:30,599
Now we are the same!
191
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:35,297
-Fly with me, my love!
-Are you (BLEEP) crazy?
192
00:10:36,736 --> 00:10:37,996
(ROARS)
193
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,970
Ogopogo!
194
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:46,206
Ogopogo!
195
00:10:48,514 --> 00:10:50,684
Damn, I better get
out of this lake!
196
00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:52,654
(CLOSING THEME PLAYING)
15557
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