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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,773 --> 00:00:10,343 -Dear... -Hold it, Marquess. We're all not here. 2 00:00:10,344 --> 00:00:11,644 Hey, Pigeon. 3 00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:13,675 Pigeon! We got a new mystery. 4 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:17,581 PIGEON: Oh, that's great, but I'm watching pornography, so. 5 00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:24,757 Hmm, yeah, I'll just go ahead and start 'cause that's gonna be a long time. 6 00:00:24,759 --> 00:00:26,229 "Dear Mike Tyson Mystery Team, 7 00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:29,897 "I'm trying to sell my house on Okanagan Lake, 8 00:00:29,897 --> 00:00:32,597 "but I cannot until I track down my ex-husband, Richard. 9 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:36,400 "His name is on the deed and I've just found out he never signed the divorce papers. 10 00:00:36,404 --> 00:00:41,044 "One more thing, he may be hard to find because, several years ago, he became a..." 11 00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:42,612 (GASPS) "A pigeon?" (GASPS) 12 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:44,440 -(GASPS) -"Sincerely, Sandra Sanchez." 13 00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:46,245 Oh, my God! 14 00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:48,347 "Oh, my God" is right. 15 00:00:48,349 --> 00:00:51,419 We'll never find this guy. Do you know how many pigeons there are in the world? 16 00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:53,649 Dad, she's talking about our Pigeon. 17 00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,854 Which one? We have tons of pigeons. 18 00:00:55,856 --> 00:00:58,316 The one that lives in our house. 19 00:00:58,325 --> 00:01:00,455 Oh, you mean Pigeon? 20 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,130 (BLEEP) her. 21 00:01:02,129 --> 00:01:04,629 Why haven't you signed the divorce papers? 22 00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:08,072 I thought I did. Jesus, if I missed a (BLEEP) page, 23 00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:10,699 maybe it was because I had my hands full 24 00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:15,874 dealing with all the psychological ramifications of becoming a (BLEEP) bird. 25 00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:18,006 (MAN AND WOMAN MOANING ON LAPTOP) 26 00:01:18,012 --> 00:01:21,182 -Can you turn that off, please? -It's almost over. 27 00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:25,422 -(MOANING CLIMAXES) -MAN: Diego, Diego, Diego, Diego! 28 00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:28,349 (MAN GRUNTING) 29 00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:31,855 Heh. They all end the same way. 30 00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:35,859 Hey, what are you guys doing in here? I didn't see you all come in. (LAUGHS) 31 00:01:35,863 --> 00:01:38,163 Can I offer anybody a drink? Something to eat? 32 00:01:38,165 --> 00:01:41,165 No, thanks. Come on, we gotta go talk to Sandra. 33 00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:42,898 I'm not goin'. 34 00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:45,403 Pigeon, you need to deal with your past. 35 00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:47,106 This poor woman needs to move on. 36 00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:50,678 "This poor woman" is a witch who turned me into a pigeon. 37 00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:54,778 If there's any justice in the world, we'd get those Salem witch trials going again 38 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:57,222 and burn her at the (BLEEP) stake. 39 00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:58,578 Oh, my God! 40 00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,086 Hey, kid, let me clue you into something, huh? 41 00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,988 There's no (BLEEP) God. (CHUCKLES) You got that? 42 00:02:03,991 --> 00:02:07,731 And if there was, if God really does exist, 43 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,528 and he let that bitch do this to me, 44 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:12,700 well, then, God is the biggest piece of (BLEEP) in the Universe. 45 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:19,100 And I will say that to his dumb (BLEEP) face when I see him on my way to Hell. 46 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,536 To the Mystery Mobile. 47 00:02:21,542 --> 00:02:24,342 I told you, I'm not going. 48 00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:29,105 Oh, you're going or my name is not Michael Gerard Tyson. 49 00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:31,146 That's your (BLEEP) name? 50 00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,216 (MARQUESS GROANS) 51 00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:39,894 This doesn't seem right. 52 00:02:39,894 --> 00:02:43,404 It was the only way I could get him in the car. 53 00:02:43,397 --> 00:02:45,857 Are you hot? Do you need any water? 54 00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:50,497 Uh-uh, he's still giving me the silent treatment. 55 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:13,262 When I said we should get Sandra a hostess gift, I didn't mean Twinkies. 56 00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:16,130 -Where are you headed, travelers? -(SCREAMS) 57 00:03:16,130 --> 00:03:18,830 Jesus Christ, old man, you scared the (BLEEP) out of me! 58 00:03:18,832 --> 00:03:21,432 We're going up to Lake Okanagan. 59 00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:23,765 Stay away from the lake. 60 00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:27,871 Beware of Ogopogo! 61 00:03:27,875 --> 00:03:30,735 (LAUGHING MANIACALLY) 62 00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:34,184 (BLEEP) you, (BLEEP). Don't be saying weird shit to people and laughing. 63 00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:37,321 I'll knock your goddamn head off, (BLEEP). 64 00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,622 (GASPS) 65 00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:45,894 (BLEEP), man, I can see you in the reflection. 66 00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:47,433 Don't you know who the (BLEEP) I am? 67 00:03:47,428 --> 00:03:50,528 I'm Mike mother (BLEEP) Gerard mother (BLEEP) Tyson. 68 00:03:50,531 --> 00:03:53,431 I will beat the living (BLEEP) out of you, you mother (BLEEP). 69 00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:58,604 Ogopogo! Ogopogo! Ogopogo! 70 00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:01,969 (BLEEP) Crazy. 71 00:04:01,976 --> 00:04:04,776 Damn, Pigeon, you didn't tell me you were rich. 72 00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:07,648 Oh, welcome to my home. 73 00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:11,548 Nice to meet you, ma'am. I'm Mike Tyson and this is the Mystery Team. 74 00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:13,652 Oh, here, these are for you. 75 00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:16,224 Twinkies, my favorite. You shouldn't have. 76 00:04:16,223 --> 00:04:18,993 I don't suppose you've had any luck finding Richard. 77 00:04:18,993 --> 00:04:21,063 Actually, we brought him with us. 78 00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:26,125 (GASPS) Is that Richard? 79 00:04:26,133 --> 00:04:30,403 Oh, for God's sakes, Pigeon. Stop it. Say something. 80 00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:31,974 (COOS) 81 00:04:34,607 --> 00:04:36,777 Damn, I think I brought the wrong pigeon. 82 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,177 (SIGHS) Dad. 83 00:04:38,178 --> 00:04:41,948 (ALL EXCLAIM) 84 00:04:43,816 --> 00:04:46,846 All right, payment up front. 85 00:04:59,699 --> 00:05:03,369 Uh, you know, on second thought, forget it. 86 00:05:03,370 --> 00:05:07,310 I'll still pay you, but I... I don't think I want to have sex. 87 00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:15,681 Hey, where are you going? You still gotta (BLEEP) me off, see. 88 00:05:16,449 --> 00:05:18,319 Richard was such a gentleman. 89 00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:22,289 When we met, I was a 21-year-old beauty queen from Nicaragua, 90 00:05:22,289 --> 00:05:27,129 and here was this sophisticated financier who swept me off my feet. 91 00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:29,727 Oh, muchas gracias. (CHUCKLES) 92 00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,500 By the way, I love your shoes. 93 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:34,528 -Oh, no, thank you, ma'am. I don't drink. -I'll take his. 94 00:05:34,535 --> 00:05:37,035 -Oh, I'm not, I... I'm 18, can't. -I'll take hers. 95 00:05:37,037 --> 00:05:41,807 He was so charming, smart, handsome, rich. 96 00:05:41,809 --> 00:05:45,239 Everything you could want in a man. A prince. 97 00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:48,005 Here, see for yourself. 98 00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:51,945 Oh, my God! That's Pigeon? He's gorgeous! 99 00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:55,992 I mean, right? I mean, you guys think so, right? 100 00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:57,719 We used to make love all the time. 101 00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,515 On this very couch. 102 00:05:59,526 --> 00:06:02,426 Well, that was an unnecessary piece of information. 103 00:06:02,429 --> 00:06:07,169 We had the perfect life, but it was all a lie. He lied about everything. 104 00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:10,437 The money, the other women, the drugs. 105 00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:13,707 He took my dignity and he crushed it like, like a... 106 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,407 -Like a can? -No, no, like a... 107 00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:18,840 -It's a little thing. How do you say? -A flower? 108 00:06:18,846 --> 00:06:21,676 -No, not a flower! A, uh... -Like a flea? 109 00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:24,652 A flea? Insecto? No, like a... 110 00:06:24,651 --> 00:06:26,351 Like a dream. 111 00:06:26,353 --> 00:06:28,523 Well, "Crushed it like a dream" is not an expression. 112 00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:32,092 So, don't, like, scold me like I'm an idiot. 113 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,732 -So, you turned him into a pigeon? -What? 114 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,458 Did he tell you that? 115 00:06:36,463 --> 00:06:39,733 -Yeah, he said you were a witch. -(GASPS) 116 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,273 I'm a deeply religious person. 117 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:44,199 I prayed every night to God above. 118 00:06:44,204 --> 00:06:48,074 I said to him, I said, "God, show me the money, Mary. 119 00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,875 "Show me who he really is. Not the lies. 120 00:06:50,878 --> 00:06:53,548 "Show me the truth. Show me the real Richard." 121 00:06:53,547 --> 00:06:58,477 And he did. God made him a dirty pigeon, not me. 122 00:06:58,485 --> 00:07:00,815 (CRYING) 123 00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:02,351 (SCREAMS) 124 00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:10,400 Why would that dumb bitch want to sell this place? 125 00:07:10,397 --> 00:07:13,627 -Pigeon? -Richard! I mean, Pigeon. 126 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,104 Uh, what are you... 127 00:07:15,102 --> 00:07:17,402 I mean, we, we, we missed you. 128 00:07:17,404 --> 00:07:19,344 The (BLEEP) is the matter with you? 129 00:07:19,339 --> 00:07:21,939 I'm proud of you, Pigeon. You came to confront your past. 130 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,482 -Yeah, where is she? -She went upstairs. 131 00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:26,708 (PIGEON SIGHS) 132 00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:28,683 We used to (BLEEP) on those stairs. 133 00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:32,282 Come on, guys. Let's go outside and give them some privacy. 134 00:07:38,090 --> 00:07:40,690 How long do we have to give them? It's freezing out here. 135 00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:43,964 We can wait in the van, but I left the keys in the house. 136 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,134 Oh, I'll go get 'em. 137 00:07:45,132 --> 00:07:48,002 -Oh, dear God! -What? 138 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,771 Do you have a crush on Pigeon? 139 00:07:50,771 --> 00:07:54,671 -Pfft. No. -(GASPS) You do! 140 00:07:54,675 --> 00:07:57,235 Whatever. 141 00:07:57,244 --> 00:08:00,514 See, Michael, this is why Yung needs to get out and date. 142 00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:04,084 Otherwise, she'll end up with the first good-looking bad boy she meets. 143 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:07,454 She needs experience. She needs to, dare I say, 144 00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:09,724 sleep around... (SCREAMS) 145 00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:13,793 Sorry, Marquess, it was just, ever since Yung was dropped off on my doorstep 146 00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:17,034 as a little Asian baby, that's the only way I can see her. 147 00:08:17,030 --> 00:08:20,800 She'll always be that little Asian baby who was dropped off on my doorstep. 148 00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:23,901 Mmm-hmm. That's nice. Am I bleeding? 149 00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:26,844 I don't think so. Would your blood be white? 150 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:31,240 I never notices you had a mustache, Marquess. And you wear glasses? 151 00:08:31,245 --> 00:08:33,205 I guess I never really looked at your face before. 152 00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:35,253 -Ogopogo! -(BOTH GASP) 153 00:08:35,249 --> 00:08:38,349 I told you to stay away from the lake. 154 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:40,492 Ogopogo is coming. 155 00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:44,057 Ogopogo! Ogopogo! 156 00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:47,527 God almighty, that mother (BLEEP) is going to give me a heart attack. 157 00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,928 You old son of a bitch. 158 00:08:50,930 --> 00:08:53,270 (SANDRA MOANING) 159 00:08:53,267 --> 00:08:54,127 (GASPS) 160 00:08:54,134 --> 00:08:56,974 (SANDRA AND PIGEON MOANING) 161 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:02,742 SANDRA: Richard. Oh, yes, yes! PIGEON: Oh, Sandra. 162 00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:05,213 Richard, oh, ai, ai! 163 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,482 Michael, you shouldn't be in there. 164 00:09:07,481 --> 00:09:09,151 (BLEEP) that (BLEEP), Marquess! 165 00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:10,619 I'm not gonna let that old, crazy mother (BLEEP) 166 00:09:10,617 --> 00:09:12,617 tell Michael Gerard Tyson what to do. 167 00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:15,989 -Aren't you cold? -Yeah, I'm cold. I feel like I'm gonna die, 168 00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:18,389 but no one's gonna tell me what to do. 169 00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:20,832 Oh, thank God. We can get in the car. 170 00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:23,957 Oh, right, the, the keys. 171 00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:25,634 You... You forgot the keys? 172 00:09:25,632 --> 00:09:28,372 You were in there for half an hour. What were you doing? 173 00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:32,068 -Um... -Everyone, we have an announcement. 174 00:09:32,072 --> 00:09:36,882 I'm quitting the Mystery Team. Sandra and I are getting back together. 175 00:09:36,877 --> 00:09:38,837 -What? -Way to go, Pigeon! 176 00:09:38,845 --> 00:09:41,075 Congratulations, you son of a gun. 177 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:46,921 God, you answered my prayers before, I ask you to answer them again! 178 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,960 Richard no longer deserves to be alone, 179 00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:51,817 trapped in the body of a pigeon! 180 00:09:51,825 --> 00:09:54,925 Oh, Sandra, you poor, ignorant savage. (CHUCKLES) 181 00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:57,128 There's no God. 182 00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:03,003 Oh, please, God. Please. 183 00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:05,943 I'm asking you, begging you, 184 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:09,509 once more, to use your powers. 185 00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,339 Yes, yes. 186 00:10:11,345 --> 00:10:14,505 And turn me into a pigeon, too! 187 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:16,624 Turn you? Wait, what... (BLEEP) 188 00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:21,220 No! No, you dumb bitch! 189 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:25,061 You were supposed to get Him to turn me back into a man! 190 00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:30,599 Now we are the same! 191 00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:35,297 -Fly with me, my love! -Are you (BLEEP) crazy? 192 00:10:36,736 --> 00:10:37,996 (ROARS) 193 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,970 Ogopogo! 194 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:46,206 Ogopogo! 195 00:10:48,514 --> 00:10:50,684 Damn, I better get out of this lake! 196 00:10:50,684 --> 00:10:52,654 (CLOSING THEME PLAYING) 15557

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