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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,670 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:32,265 --> 00:00:35,095 (KEYBOARD CLACKING) -(MOUSE CLICKING) 3 00:00:35,102 --> 00:00:36,742 MARQUESS: Ooh, how about this place? 4 00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:38,367 It gets great reviews. 5 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,372 YUNG HEE: Mmm, I don't think I want French. Too much cream. 6 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:43,214 You don't hear Marquess complaining about too much cream. 7 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,340 Oh. Is that a joke about me being fat? 8 00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:49,046 No! It's a joke about you guzzling (BLEEP). 9 00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:51,080 -MARQUESS: Oh, my God. -(PIGEON CHUCKLES) 10 00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:54,845 What about this one? 11 00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:58,885 MARQUESS: (GROANING) Samantha D says, "Overpriced and terrible service. 12 00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,163 "Will not be back." 13 00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:01,431 MIKE: What the (BLEEP) is this? 14 00:01:01,429 --> 00:01:03,859 Online reviews of local businesses. 15 00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:05,004 Are we on here? 16 00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:06,269 Huh. 17 00:01:08,034 --> 00:01:10,244 Oh! Here we are. 18 00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:11,937 We have one review. 19 00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:13,469 Jason B. 20 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,944 "The real mystery with the Mike Tyson Mystery Team is 21 00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:20,613 "where the hell are they? I asked for their help and never heard back. 22 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,354 (MARQUESS READING) 23 00:01:22,349 --> 00:01:25,049 "...but they're never getting mine again, and if..." 24 00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:28,152 (MARQUESS READING) 25 00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:31,863 Jason B is full of (BLEEP). 26 00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:33,429 We never ignore a good mystery. 27 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,230 (DOOR SLAMMING) 28 00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:36,829 So are we going to the French place? 29 00:01:37,897 --> 00:01:40,567 No message. No message. No message. 30 00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:43,138 I told you it wasn't our fault. 31 00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,167 What the hell is that noxious odor? 32 00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,343 MARQUESS: Oh, dear. 33 00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:51,312 (FLIES BUZZING) 34 00:01:57,050 --> 00:02:00,250 Ah, it's so faded I can barely make out any of it. 35 00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:03,824 "Something, something urgent, something life and death, something, something, 36 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,964 "please hurry." Oh. Uh oh. 37 00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,500 It seems to be signed by Jason something and it looks like it starts with a "B". 38 00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:11,797 Ah, I guess it was our fault. 39 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,629 How is it our fault? 40 00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,774 Because of one pigeon getting his fat ass caught in the door? 41 00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,339 You ever heard of the expression 42 00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,138 "Send another pigeon, mother (BLEEP)"? 43 00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:21,140 What? 44 00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:24,112 Social media makes it too easy for pussies to hide behind their (BLEEP). 45 00:02:24,111 --> 00:02:26,041 What are these expressions? 46 00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:29,406 All I'm saying is that business is only as good as its reputation. 47 00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:30,776 That's what I'm saying. 48 00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,484 Right, but we're not really a business. 49 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,586 I mean it's not like we're getting paid. 50 00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:37,358 I pay Pigeon $65,000 a year. 51 00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:42,933 (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hey, don't look at me. 52 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:45,730 Just because you two never thought to have that conversation. 53 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,640 MIKE: Who are you, Jason B? And where do you live? 54 00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:53,508 And how can I get you to take down this negative review? 55 00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:56,107 The answer to all three, 56 00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:57,740 I don't give a (BLEEP). 57 00:02:57,745 --> 00:03:00,675 Okay. We know he's reviewed two other business besides us. 58 00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:05,851 His first was from six weeks ago for a dry cleaners, which he loves, five stars. 59 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,453 That's on Cashman Drive. 60 00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:10,664 Hey, are those the pins from your vision board, Marquess? 61 00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:12,718 You know, the one with all those (BLEEP) on it? 62 00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,326 Okay. Very funny. 63 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:17,428 Jason B also reviewed Belle's Frozen Yogurt 64 00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:21,001 which he says, "Hands down, the best froyo in town." 65 00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:22,671 It's on South Rancho Drive... 66 00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:24,400 So those (BLEEP) pictures are just all over the floor, now? 67 00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:25,865 Well, that doesn't seem right. 68 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,443 -Stop it. -Okay. 69 00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,881 We're gonna have to split up and stake out both places. 70 00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,037 Who wants to go where? 71 00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:32,335 YUNG HEE: Uh... 72 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:35,546 Can't you guys do this somewhere else? 73 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:39,019 Well, this is the only room in the house with a cork board. 74 00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:40,849 Then can we move the cork board? 75 00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,694 Oh, yeah. I guess we could move the cork board. 76 00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:45,721 Or just, I don't know, get another one. 77 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,856 Because I do like having it here. 78 00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:58,437 I never took you for one of those girls who's comfortable shitting in front of people. 79 00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:01,209 Ugh. I wasn't shitting. 80 00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,838 (OBNOXIOUS LAUGH) 81 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,850 Ha. This is like our first date. 82 00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,579 I would never go on a date with you. 83 00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,354 Oh. Well, maybe you should have mentioned that 84 00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,724 before I bought your (BLEEP) yogurt. 85 00:04:18,791 --> 00:04:19,891 (MARQUESS GROANS) 86 00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:21,293 I should have gone to the froyo place. 87 00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:22,885 I worked out today. 88 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:25,856 Excuse me, ma'am. I have a question for you. 89 00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:27,766 Have you seen this piece of shit? 90 00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:30,001 No. 91 00:04:30,004 --> 00:04:32,304 Okay. Then I have another question for you. 92 00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:35,506 This track suit I'm wearing says to wash with like colors, 93 00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:39,539 but I don't have anything else this color, so I've just never washed it. 94 00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:44,251 Michael! Where are your clothes? 95 00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:46,221 Oh, so if we're going to sit here just waiting for this 96 00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:48,590 mother (BLEEP), I might as well get my track suit cleaned. 97 00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:54,892 You know what? (BLEEP) it. I want the froyo. 98 00:04:55,895 --> 00:04:57,255 (CAR DOOR SLAMS) 99 00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:59,364 -(WATER RUNNING) -(DISHES CLANGING) 100 00:05:00,099 --> 00:05:01,299 (MARQUESS SIGHS) 101 00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,502 I can't believe I ate all that. 102 00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,774 But that's what I do. 103 00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:06,712 I deprive myself, and then I binge. 104 00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:10,577 And then I hate myself, and I do it all over again. 105 00:05:10,577 --> 00:05:12,377 I'll tell you what I can't believe. 106 00:05:12,379 --> 00:05:14,979 We wait there all day and Jason B never went to either place. 107 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:18,022 Well, what I can't believe is Yung Hee let me pay for her yogurt, 108 00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,988 but then won't let me play with her tits. 109 00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:23,088 Which is fine. It's fine. 110 00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,860 But at least blow me, am I right, I mean? 111 00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:32,329 Does it ever enter your mind that that is her father. 112 00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:35,403 Well, I'm going to bed. (NICELY) Good night, Pigeon. 113 00:05:35,402 --> 00:05:37,042 (HARSHLY) Everybody else, good night. 114 00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:48,676 Damn you, Jason B! 115 00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:52,684 Ah! Oh, God! 116 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,216 Marquess, what are you doing up? 117 00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:55,491 Well, the day was a wash anyways 118 00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,519 so what's another 3,000 calories? 119 00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:58,624 What are you doing? 120 00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,125 I'll tell you what I'm doing. 121 00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,987 I'm going to call every Jason B in the phonebook. 122 00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:04,325 Every second that negative review is up 123 00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:05,601 is a second that we could lose 124 00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:07,799 a customer to another Mystery Team. 125 00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:12,601 Oh. You think there are other Mystery Teams? Okay. 126 00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:14,266 Hey, are you the Jason B that wrote a 127 00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:18,144 negative report about the Mike Tyson team online? 128 00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:19,535 You're that Jason B? 129 00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,306 Get the (BLEEP) out of here! 130 00:06:21,315 --> 00:06:23,075 You're the first Jason B I called. 131 00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,623 I thought this was gonna be an all-night thing, man. 132 00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,719 God (BLEEP), Marquess, can you believe this (BLEEP)? 133 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:31,121 -(DIAL TONE) -Oh, hell no. Hell no. 134 00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:33,055 He did not do that. 135 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,590 (DOORBELL RINGS) 136 00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:37,429 (DOORBELL RINGS) 137 00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:38,861 Couldn't this have waited till the morning? 138 00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:41,196 Open the door, mother (BLEEP)! 139 00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:42,671 -Okay. -(BANGING ON DOOR) 140 00:06:42,669 --> 00:06:44,639 MIKE: Mother (BLEEP), open this door, right now! 141 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,109 Oh, my God. 142 00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,168 What do you want? 143 00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:50,706 You want to know what I want? 144 00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,411 Take that damn review down. 145 00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:54,453 Why? You ruined my life! 146 00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:57,078 Oh, my goodness, exaggerate much? 147 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,054 My wife died because of you. 148 00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:00,192 -(GASPS) -What? 149 00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,717 Well, in that case maybe you're not exaggerating. 150 00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:05,523 My wife was an architect. 151 00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:11,056 She had been commissioned by this rich Eastern European guy to design a castle. 152 00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:15,234 But I got the feeling there was something not right about him. 153 00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:16,965 And as crazy as this sounds, 154 00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:20,310 I started to think he was a vampire. 155 00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:23,607 Sarah didn't believe me at first, 156 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:27,410 but I knew I was right. I just needed proof. 157 00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:29,784 That's when I asked for your help. 158 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:34,253 I waited and waited, but you never got back to me. 159 00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,924 And then... 160 00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:37,923 -It was too late. -(MOANING) 161 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,955 My wife is now one of the undead 162 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,930 -who feeds on the living. -(HISSES) 163 00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:44,930 -MARQUESS: That's horrible. -PIGEON: Good Lord. 164 00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:46,432 And? 165 00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,133 And what? 166 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,225 What happened to the castle? 167 00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:53,508 Did she finish the castle or not? 168 00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:56,207 Man, I mean, learn how to tell your (BLEEP) story, all right? 169 00:07:56,210 --> 00:07:59,910 I'll give you a (BLEEP) negative review on your story, you piece of... 170 00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:06,324 What are you doing? 171 00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,520 If he's not going to take down that negative report, 172 00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:10,562 then we're going to do it for him. 173 00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:13,087 But be real discreet. 174 00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,863 (GLASS SHATTERS) 175 00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:21,172 (MONITOR BEEPS) 176 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,568 Oh, Mike must have been thinking of "discrete," 177 00:08:23,570 --> 00:08:26,740 D-I-S-C-R-E-T-E, 178 00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:30,310 as opposed to "discreet," D-I-S-C-R-E-E-T. 179 00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:33,210 Which is, of course, what we assumed he meant, 180 00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:37,453 which is to be quiet, inconspicuous, discreet. 181 00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:43,191 But I guess Mike wanted to be distinct, individual. 182 00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,190 That's not what that means. 183 00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:49,132 It means like, uh, separate, or, you know, disconnected from one another. 184 00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,659 No. 185 00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:53,874 But it does also mean individual, singular. 186 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,127 -Hey! -(ALL GASPING) 187 00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:56,225 -Ahhh! -(GUNSHOT) 188 00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,296 (YUNG HEE SCREAMS) 189 00:08:57,937 --> 00:08:58,937 Uh-oh. 190 00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:01,139 Oh, my God. You killed him. 191 00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:02,741 He scared the (BLEEP) out of me! 192 00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,113 Where did you get that gun? 193 00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:05,741 My pocket! 194 00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:09,946 Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, God. Okay, okay. 195 00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,250 Okay, the cops are going to be here soon. 196 00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:14,852 Here's what we're gonna do. We gotta to chop up his body, 197 00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:17,755 see, we need garbage bags, we need... 198 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,358 We need a saw! 199 00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:21,329 An ax. We need an ax! 200 00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:24,558 We're gonna need, uh, bleach. A (BLEEP) load of bleach. 201 00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:27,465 'Cause we gotta clean up all this (BLEEP) blood. 202 00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:28,767 -(YUNG HEE GASPS) -What? 203 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,702 YUNG HEE: Where'd he go? 204 00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:35,243 -Wait! -(ALL SCREAM) 205 00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:36,442 (GUNSHOTS) 206 00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:38,283 MARQUESS: Pigeon, stop shooting! 207 00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:39,948 Why won't you die? 208 00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:42,177 Because I must already be dead. 209 00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,852 Maybe Sarah bit me the last time we made love. 210 00:09:44,851 --> 00:09:46,851 We both enjoy pretty rough sex, so... 211 00:09:46,853 --> 00:09:48,693 I didn't think anything of it at the time. 212 00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:50,659 But it looks like I'm a vampire, too. 213 00:09:52,224 --> 00:09:54,864 Thank you, Mike Tyson Mystery Team. 214 00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:59,461 I'm off to Romania to find my beautiful Sarah. 215 00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:02,766 (SHOUTING) Hey, wait man, before you go, take down that review! 216 00:10:06,405 --> 00:10:07,665 Oh, man, what an asshole. 217 00:10:07,674 --> 00:10:08,944 -(GUNSHOT) -(ALL GASPING) 218 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,982 Oops. Guess I had another bullet in there. 219 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,715 Do you want to be internal... 220 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:25,924 Do you want to live for eternity? 221 00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:29,426 Allow me to induce my, my, my, 222 00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:31,699 fangs in your veins. 223 00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:35,898 I will suck your blood. 16933

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