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1
00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,670
(THEME MUSIC
PLAYING)
2
00:00:32,265 --> 00:00:35,095
(KEYBOARD CLACKING) -(MOUSE
CLICKING)
3
00:00:35,102 --> 00:00:36,742
MARQUESS:
Ooh, how about this place?
4
00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:38,367
It gets great reviews.
5
00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,372
YUNG HEE: Mmm, I don't think
I want French. Too much cream.
6
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:43,214
You don't hear Marquess
complaining about
too much cream.
7
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,340
Oh. Is that a joke
about me being fat?
8
00:00:45,346 --> 00:00:49,046
No! It's a joke
about you guzzling (BLEEP).
9
00:00:49,050 --> 00:00:51,080
-MARQUESS: Oh, my God.
-(PIGEON CHUCKLES)
10
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:54,845
What about this one?
11
00:00:54,855 --> 00:00:58,885
MARQUESS: (GROANING)
Samantha D says, "Overpriced
and terrible service.
12
00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:00,163
"Will not be back."
13
00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:01,431
MIKE:
What the (BLEEP) is this?
14
00:01:01,429 --> 00:01:03,859
Online reviews of
local businesses.
15
00:01:03,864 --> 00:01:05,004
Are we on here?
16
00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:06,269
Huh.
17
00:01:08,034 --> 00:01:10,244
Oh! Here we are.
18
00:01:10,237 --> 00:01:11,937
We have one review.
19
00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:13,469
Jason B.
20
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,944
"The real mystery with the
Mike Tyson Mystery Team is
21
00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:20,613
"where the hell are they?
I asked for their help
and never heard back.
22
00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,354
(MARQUESS READING)
23
00:01:22,349 --> 00:01:25,049
"...but they're never getting
mine again, and if..."
24
00:01:25,052 --> 00:01:28,152
(MARQUESS READING)
25
00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:31,863
Jason B is full of (BLEEP).
26
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:33,429
We never ignore
a good mystery.
27
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,230
(DOOR SLAMMING)
28
00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:36,829
So are we going to
the French place?
29
00:01:37,897 --> 00:01:40,567
No message. No message.
No message.
30
00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:43,138
I told you
it wasn't our fault.
31
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:45,167
What the hell is that
noxious odor?
32
00:01:46,773 --> 00:01:48,343
MARQUESS: Oh, dear.
33
00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:51,312
(FLIES BUZZING)
34
00:01:57,050 --> 00:02:00,250
Ah, it's so faded I can
barely make out any of it.
35
00:02:00,254 --> 00:02:03,824
"Something, something urgent,
something life and death,
something, something,
36
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,964
"please hurry." Oh. Uh oh.
37
00:02:05,960 --> 00:02:09,500
It seems to be signed by Jason
something and it looks like
it starts with a "B".
38
00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:11,797
Ah, I guess it
was our fault.
39
00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:13,629
How is it our fault?
40
00:02:13,634 --> 00:02:15,774
Because of one pigeon
getting his fat ass
caught in the door?
41
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,339
You ever heard of
the expression
42
00:02:17,338 --> 00:02:19,138
"Send another pigeon,
mother (BLEEP)"?
43
00:02:19,140 --> 00:02:21,140
What?
44
00:02:21,142 --> 00:02:24,112
Social media makes it too
easy for pussies to hide
behind their (BLEEP).
45
00:02:24,111 --> 00:02:26,041
What are these expressions?
46
00:02:26,046 --> 00:02:29,406
All I'm saying is that
business is only as good
as its reputation.
47
00:02:29,416 --> 00:02:30,776
That's what I'm saying.
48
00:02:30,784 --> 00:02:32,484
Right, but we're not really
a business.
49
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,586
I mean it's not like we're
getting paid.
50
00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:37,358
I pay Pigeon $65,000 a year.
51
00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:42,933
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Hey, don't look at me.
52
00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:45,730
Just because you
two never thought
to have that conversation.
53
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,640
MIKE: Who are you, Jason B?
And where do you live?
54
00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:53,508
And how can I get you to take
down this negative review?
55
00:02:54,207 --> 00:02:56,107
The answer to all three,
56
00:02:56,110 --> 00:02:57,740
I don't give a (BLEEP).
57
00:02:57,745 --> 00:03:00,675
Okay. We know he's reviewed
two other business besides us.
58
00:03:00,681 --> 00:03:05,851
His first was from six weeks
ago for a dry cleaners,
which he loves, five stars.
59
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,453
That's on Cashman Drive.
60
00:03:07,454 --> 00:03:10,664
Hey, are those the pins from
your vision board, Marquess?
61
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:12,718
You know, the one with all
those (BLEEP) on it?
62
00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,326
Okay. Very funny.
63
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:17,428
Jason B also reviewed
Belle's Frozen Yogurt
64
00:03:17,431 --> 00:03:21,001
which he says, "Hands down,
the best froyo in town."
65
00:03:21,001 --> 00:03:22,671
It's on South Rancho Drive...
66
00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:24,400
So those (BLEEP) pictures are
just all over the floor, now?
67
00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:25,865
Well, that doesn't seem right.
68
00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,443
-Stop it.
-Okay.
69
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,881
We're gonna have to split up
and stake out both places.
70
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,037
Who wants to go where?
71
00:03:31,045 --> 00:03:32,335
YUNG HEE: Uh...
72
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:35,546
Can't you guys do this
somewhere else?
73
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:39,019
Well, this is the only room in
the house with a cork board.
74
00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:40,849
Then can we move
the cork board?
75
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,694
Oh, yeah. I guess we could
move the cork board.
76
00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:45,721
Or just, I don't know,
get another one.
77
00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,856
Because I do like
having it here.
78
00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:58,437
I never took you for one of
those girls who's comfortable
shitting in front of people.
79
00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:01,209
Ugh. I wasn't shitting.
80
00:04:01,208 --> 00:04:02,838
(OBNOXIOUS LAUGH)
81
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,850
Ha. This is like
our first date.
82
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,579
I would never go
on a date with you.
83
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:13,354
Oh. Well, maybe you should
have mentioned that
84
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,724
before I bought your
(BLEEP) yogurt.
85
00:04:18,791 --> 00:04:19,891
(MARQUESS GROANS)
86
00:04:19,893 --> 00:04:21,293
I should have gone to the
froyo place.
87
00:04:21,295 --> 00:04:22,885
I worked out today.
88
00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:25,856
Excuse me, ma'am.
I have a question for you.
89
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:27,766
Have you seen this
piece of shit?
90
00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:30,001
No.
91
00:04:30,004 --> 00:04:32,304
Okay. Then I have another
question for you.
92
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:35,506
This track suit I'm wearing
says to wash with like colors,
93
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:39,539
but I don't have
anything else this color,
so I've just never washed it.
94
00:04:41,781 --> 00:04:44,251
Michael!
Where are your clothes?
95
00:04:44,251 --> 00:04:46,221
Oh, so if we're going to sit
here just waiting for this
96
00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:48,590
mother (BLEEP),
I might as well get my
track suit cleaned.
97
00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:54,892
You know what? (BLEEP) it.
I want the froyo.
98
00:04:55,895 --> 00:04:57,255
(CAR DOOR SLAMS)
99
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:59,364
-(WATER RUNNING)
-(DISHES CLANGING)
100
00:05:00,099 --> 00:05:01,299
(MARQUESS SIGHS)
101
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,502
I can't believe
I ate all that.
102
00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,774
But that's what I do.
103
00:05:04,772 --> 00:05:06,712
I deprive myself,
and then I binge.
104
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:10,577
And then I hate myself,
and I do it all over again.
105
00:05:10,577 --> 00:05:12,377
I'll tell you what
I can't believe.
106
00:05:12,379 --> 00:05:14,979
We wait there all day
and Jason B never went
to either place.
107
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:18,022
Well, what I can't believe
is Yung Hee let me pay
for her yogurt,
108
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,988
but then won't let me
play with her tits.
109
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:23,088
Which is fine. It's fine.
110
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:25,860
But at least blow me,
am I right, I mean?
111
00:05:25,859 --> 00:05:32,329
Does it ever enter your mind
that that is her father.
112
00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:35,403
Well, I'm going to bed.
(NICELY)
Good night, Pigeon.
113
00:05:35,402 --> 00:05:37,042
(HARSHLY)
Everybody else,
good night.
114
00:05:47,146 --> 00:05:48,676
Damn you, Jason B!
115
00:05:51,484 --> 00:05:52,684
Ah! Oh, God!
116
00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,216
Marquess, what are
you doing up?
117
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:55,491
Well, the day was
a wash anyways
118
00:05:55,489 --> 00:05:57,519
so what's another
3,000 calories?
119
00:05:57,524 --> 00:05:58,624
What are you doing?
120
00:05:58,625 --> 00:06:00,125
I'll tell you what I'm doing.
121
00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,987
I'm going to call every
Jason B in the phonebook.
122
00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:04,325
Every second that
negative review is up
123
00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:05,601
is a second that we could lose
124
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:07,799
a customer to
another Mystery Team.
125
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:12,601
Oh. You think there
are other Mystery Teams? Okay.
126
00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:14,266
Hey, are you the
Jason B that wrote a
127
00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:18,144
negative report about the
Mike Tyson team online?
128
00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:19,535
You're that Jason B?
129
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:21,306
Get the (BLEEP) out of here!
130
00:06:21,315 --> 00:06:23,075
You're the first
Jason B I called.
131
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,623
I thought this was gonna be
an all-night thing, man.
132
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,719
God (BLEEP), Marquess, can
you believe this (BLEEP)?
133
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:31,121
-(DIAL TONE)
-Oh, hell no. Hell no.
134
00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:33,055
He did not do that.
135
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,590
(DOORBELL RINGS)
136
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:37,429
(DOORBELL RINGS)
137
00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:38,861
Couldn't this have
waited till the morning?
138
00:06:38,866 --> 00:06:41,196
Open the door,
mother (BLEEP)!
139
00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:42,671
-Okay.
-(BANGING ON DOOR)
140
00:06:42,669 --> 00:06:44,639
MIKE: Mother (BLEEP),
open this door, right now!
141
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,109
Oh, my God.
142
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,168
What do you want?
143
00:06:49,176 --> 00:06:50,706
You want to know what I want?
144
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:52,411
Take that damn review down.
145
00:06:52,413 --> 00:06:54,453
Why? You ruined my life!
146
00:06:54,448 --> 00:06:57,078
Oh, my goodness,
exaggerate much?
147
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,054
My wife died because of you.
148
00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:00,192
-(GASPS)
-What?
149
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,717
Well, in that case maybe
you're not exaggerating.
150
00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:05,523
My wife was an architect.
151
00:07:05,526 --> 00:07:11,056
She had been commissioned bythis rich Eastern European guyto design a castle.
152
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:15,234
But I got the feeling therewas somethingnot right about him.
153
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:16,965
And as crazy as this sounds,
154
00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:20,310
I started to think
he was a vampire.
155
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:23,607
Sarah didn't believe
me at first,
156
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:27,410
but I knew I was right.
I just needed proof.
157
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:29,784
That's when I askedfor your help.
158
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:34,253
I waited and waited,but you never got back to me.
159
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,924
And then...
160
00:07:35,923 --> 00:07:37,923
-It was too late.
-(MOANING)
161
00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:39,955
My wife is now oneof the undead
162
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:42,930
-who feeds on the living.
-(HISSES)
163
00:07:42,930 --> 00:07:44,930
-MARQUESS: That's horrible.
-PIGEON: Good Lord.
164
00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:46,432
And?
165
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,133
And what?
166
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,225
What happened to the castle?
167
00:07:51,838 --> 00:07:53,508
Did she finish
the castle or not?
168
00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:56,207
Man, I mean, learn how to tell
your (BLEEP) story, all right?
169
00:07:56,210 --> 00:07:59,910
I'll give you a (BLEEP)
negative review on your story,
you piece of...
170
00:08:04,784 --> 00:08:06,324
What are you doing?
171
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:08,520
If he's not going to take
down that negative report,
172
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:10,562
then we're going to do
it for him.
173
00:08:10,557 --> 00:08:13,087
But be real discreet.
174
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,863
(GLASS SHATTERS)
175
00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:21,172
(MONITOR BEEPS)
176
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,568
Oh, Mike must have
been thinking of "discrete,"
177
00:08:23,570 --> 00:08:26,740
D-I-S-C-R-E-T-E,
178
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:30,310
as opposed to "discreet,"
D-I-S-C-R-E-E-T.
179
00:08:30,310 --> 00:08:33,210
Which is, of course, what we
assumed he meant,
180
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:37,453
which is to be quiet,
inconspicuous, discreet.
181
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:43,191
But I guess Mike wanted to be
distinct, individual.
182
00:08:43,190 --> 00:08:45,190
That's not what that means.
183
00:08:45,192 --> 00:08:49,132
It means like, uh, separate,
or, you know, disconnected
from one another.
184
00:08:49,129 --> 00:08:50,659
No.
185
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:53,874
But it does also mean
individual, singular.
186
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,127
-Hey!
-(ALL GASPING)
187
00:08:55,135 --> 00:08:56,225
-Ahhh!
-(GUNSHOT)
188
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:57,296
(YUNG HEE SCREAMS)
189
00:08:57,937 --> 00:08:58,937
Uh-oh.
190
00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:01,139
Oh, my God. You killed him.
191
00:09:01,141 --> 00:09:02,741
He scared the (BLEEP)
out of me!
192
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,113
Where did you get that gun?
193
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:05,741
My pocket!
194
00:09:05,746 --> 00:09:09,946
Oh, man. Oh, God. Oh, God.
Okay, okay.
195
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,250
Okay, the cops are
going to be here soon.
196
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:14,852
Here's what we're gonna do.
We gotta to chop up his body,
197
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:17,755
see, we need garbage bags,
we need...
198
00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,358
We need a saw!
199
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:21,329
An ax. We need an ax!
200
00:09:21,328 --> 00:09:24,558
We're gonna need, uh, bleach.
A (BLEEP) load of bleach.
201
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:27,465
'Cause we gotta clean up
all this (BLEEP) blood.
202
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:28,767
-(YUNG HEE GASPS)
-What?
203
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,702
YUNG HEE: Where'd he go?
204
00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:35,243
-Wait!
-(ALL SCREAM)
205
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:36,442
(GUNSHOTS)
206
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:38,283
MARQUESS: Pigeon,
stop shooting!
207
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:39,948
Why won't you die?
208
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:42,177
Because I must
already be dead.
209
00:09:42,182 --> 00:09:44,852
Maybe Sarah bit me the
last time we made love.
210
00:09:44,851 --> 00:09:46,851
We both enjoy pretty
rough sex, so...
211
00:09:46,853 --> 00:09:48,693
I didn't think anything
of it at the time.
212
00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:50,659
But it looks like
I'm a vampire, too.
213
00:09:52,224 --> 00:09:54,864
Thank you, Mike Tyson
Mystery Team.
214
00:09:54,861 --> 00:09:59,461
I'm off to Romania to
find my beautiful Sarah.
215
00:09:59,466 --> 00:10:02,766
(SHOUTING)
Hey, wait man, before you go,
take down that review!
216
00:10:06,405 --> 00:10:07,665
Oh, man, what an asshole.
217
00:10:07,674 --> 00:10:08,944
-(GUNSHOT)
-(ALL GASPING)
218
00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:11,982
Oops. Guess I had
another bullet in there.
219
00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,715
Do you want to be internal...
220
00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:25,924
Do you want to
live for eternity?
221
00:10:25,926 --> 00:10:29,426
Allow me to induce
my, my, my,
222
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:31,699
fangs in your veins.
223
00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:35,898
I will suck your blood.
16933
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