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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:03,370 (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:33,166 --> 00:00:34,426 Ugh. 3 00:00:35,001 --> 00:00:36,541 Hmm. 4 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:39,537 Why do you have photos of naked women in our living room? 5 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,510 Not all of them are naked. 6 00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:44,639 Some didn't follow instructions and sent me pictures in their underwear. 7 00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:46,545 Ha. 8 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:49,747 It's kind of hard to cast you in the lead role of the Untitled Vagina Project 9 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,220 if I can't even see your vagina. 10 00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:53,689 You're making a movie? 11 00:00:53,687 --> 00:00:56,057 -Who's making a movie? -No one's making a movie! 12 00:00:56,057 --> 00:00:59,287 It's a scam to get women to send me beaver shots. 13 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,833 Let me see that... Oh! 14 00:01:00,828 --> 00:01:03,028 She followed the instructions 15 00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:05,200 to the letter. 16 00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,499 MIKE: Hey gang, get in here. 17 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,600 -We got a new mystery. -Oh, what is it? 18 00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:09,902 "Call Deezy." 19 00:01:09,904 --> 00:01:12,504 What the hell kind of mystery is that? 20 00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,636 Michael, that's a phone message. 21 00:01:15,341 --> 00:01:17,081 Ugh, Deezy. 22 00:01:17,078 --> 00:01:19,548 I can't believe you let that guy be your agent. He's a parasite. 23 00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:20,977 You're a parasite. 24 00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:22,881 Now, Yung, 25 00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:25,623 that is no way to talk to a casting director who's about to offer you the role 26 00:01:25,619 --> 00:01:26,849 of the best friend 27 00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:29,694 in the Untitled Vagina Project. 28 00:01:29,690 --> 00:01:31,820 You don't have to submit a photo of your vagina. 29 00:01:31,826 --> 00:01:33,356 -YUNG: Why? -I don't want to see it. 30 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,230 Deezy? What's up fool? 31 00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:36,499 Hey Mike, what's up? 32 00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:38,257 Listen, I got you something. 33 00:01:38,265 --> 00:01:40,125 -What you got? -You got any mysteries going on this week? 34 00:01:40,134 --> 00:01:41,904 No, Deezy, we're just chillin. 35 00:01:41,902 --> 00:01:44,372 I think Pigeon is working on a movie or something. 36 00:01:44,371 --> 00:01:46,311 I heard him saying something about a movie. 37 00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:49,007 I'm gonna put him on the phone with you, and he'll tell you. 38 00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:50,979 Hey, it's Deezy, tell him about the movie. 39 00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:54,108 Oh, hello, Deezy. Hey, how's the shithead business going? 40 00:01:54,115 --> 00:01:55,445 Suck my (BLEEP), Pigeon. 41 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,949 Now tell me about this movie of yours. 42 00:01:56,951 --> 00:01:59,181 You got any part in it for Mike? 43 00:01:59,186 --> 00:02:02,186 Oh, no, unfortunately there will be no part in it for Mike, Deezy, because 44 00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:03,859 there's no movie. 45 00:02:03,858 --> 00:02:05,658 Oh, you think Mike can't act in a movie? He's been in big movies. 46 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:06,989 You ever heard of The Hangover? 47 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:08,994 No, I've never heard of The Hangover. 48 00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:10,026 (BLEEP) Pigeon. 49 00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:11,330 You better put Mike in your movie. 50 00:02:11,332 --> 00:02:13,502 He lets you live in his house. 51 00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:16,901 Yeah. Okay, well, I gotta go Deezy because I don't want to talk to you anymore. 52 00:02:18,605 --> 00:02:20,635 So, what's up, Deezy, what you got for me? 53 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:23,041 I got you a gig. A very special gig. 54 00:02:23,043 --> 00:02:26,813 Part of a celebrity tour. Entertain the troops in Afghanistan. 55 00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:29,154 Hey, I thought we pulled out of Afghanistan. 56 00:02:29,150 --> 00:02:31,320 DEEZY: No, Mike, we still got a lot of personnel there. 57 00:02:31,318 --> 00:02:33,748 We got special forces, we got counter-terrorism forces, 58 00:02:33,754 --> 00:02:37,294 military training personnel. Come on, Mike, we've had this conversation before. 59 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:41,191 Hey, you know what, I'm right outside your house. I'm just gonna come in. 60 00:02:42,295 --> 00:02:44,925 Hey! Mike, Yung, Ghost. 61 00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,032 How ya'll doing? 62 00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:47,933 -(BLEEP) you, Pigeon. -(PIGEON SCOFFS) 63 00:02:47,935 --> 00:02:50,095 Hey, Deezy man, would you mind taking off your shoes, man? 64 00:02:50,104 --> 00:02:52,104 We've become a no-shoe household here. 65 00:02:52,106 --> 00:02:54,536 Oh, not a problem, Mike. You get the carpets cleaned? 66 00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:58,142 No, I read about all these things people track into your house, man, with their shoes. 67 00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:02,075 Dirt, urine, vomit, semen, and pollen. 68 00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:04,482 Man, I've been sneezing all day! 69 00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:06,045 Oh, I feel you, Mike. 70 00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,493 Can I get you anything? You know, something to drink. 71 00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:09,819 Yeah, you got any champagne open? 72 00:03:09,823 --> 00:03:11,663 -No... -All right then, I'm good. 73 00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:14,329 -Okay, Deezy, let's talk more about Afghanistan. -PIGEON: More? 74 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:17,158 It's a three-day trip. You fly commercial to Hamburg, Germany, 75 00:03:17,164 --> 00:03:19,234 and then they put you on a C-17, straight to Kabul. 76 00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,803 Wait, you're going to Afghanistan? When? 77 00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:22,972 -Right now. -What? 78 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,370 They need to fill the slot. 79 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,901 Wayne Brady just dropped out. 80 00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:30,006 Hold up, man, I'm the backup choice to Wayne Brady? 81 00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:32,480 That's a huge (BLEEP) honor, man. 82 00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:36,449 I love Wayne Brady, man. Man, what's that show, man? 83 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:37,750 Who The (BLEEP) Line Is It? 84 00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:40,251 -Okay, Deezy, we will do it. -What? 85 00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:42,894 Whoa, whoa, no Mike. This invitation is just for you. 86 00:03:42,890 --> 00:03:45,260 No way, I can't do improv by myself. 87 00:03:45,259 --> 00:03:47,659 Not even Wayne Brady does it by himself. 88 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,631 No one wants you to do improv, Mike. 89 00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,960 Just do some of that getting back up after you get knocked down stuff. 90 00:03:51,966 --> 00:03:54,366 You know, boxer talk. Inspirational. 91 00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:55,698 -Let's get this money. -No. 92 00:03:55,703 --> 00:03:57,303 You can't disappoint the troops. 93 00:03:57,304 --> 00:04:00,644 They are expecting improv, and they're getting improv. 94 00:04:00,641 --> 00:04:02,541 But we don't know how to do improv. 95 00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:03,913 That's the beauty of improv. 96 00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:06,011 You don't even have to know how to do improv. 97 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:08,183 You just have to improv with something off the top of your head. 98 00:04:08,182 --> 00:04:11,652 My God, how many times are you assholes gonna say "improv"? 99 00:04:19,158 --> 00:04:23,128 Excuse me, do you have any of those little bags of pretzels? 100 00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:26,327 Hmm. Bitch. 101 00:04:26,333 --> 00:04:28,903 That was sure nice of Deezy to house-sit for us while we were gone. 102 00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:31,142 He's probably going to rob you. 103 00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:32,898 (CHUCKLES) 104 00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:35,536 You know what we gotta do when we get there? Get him a thank you gift. 105 00:04:35,542 --> 00:04:37,412 Yeah, soon as we get there. 106 00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:40,211 -What kind of (BLEEP) do they sell in Afghanistan? -I don't know. 107 00:04:40,214 --> 00:04:42,014 I think I've heard of an Afghan rug. 108 00:04:42,016 --> 00:04:45,646 What the (BLEEP) does Deezy need with an Afghan rug? 109 00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:47,223 No, he likes gadgets. 110 00:04:47,221 --> 00:04:51,021 You know, electric shit, man, for his phone and stuff. 111 00:04:51,025 --> 00:04:56,995 Cheerleaders, huh? That sounds like some good ole fashioned troop entertainment. 112 00:04:56,997 --> 00:05:00,097 Let me ask you gals something, you ever do any acting? 113 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:04,440 I only ask because I happen to be casting a film. 114 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:06,038 -Ugh. -What? 115 00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:10,107 Hey, Mike, I know you're still in transit, 116 00:05:10,110 --> 00:05:12,580 but I want you to know the house looks real good. 117 00:05:12,579 --> 00:05:16,249 I just finished feeding your pigeons, I watered your plants and brought your mail inside. 118 00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:18,680 Oh, wait, hold up. It looks like you got a new mystery, Mike. 119 00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:22,646 Don't you worry about it though. Get that money over there. I'm on this. 120 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:28,326 Hey there, little fella. What you got for me? "Museum of Antiquity." 121 00:05:28,329 --> 00:05:31,429 On behalf of the United States Armed Forces, welcome to Afghanistan, 122 00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:33,572 ladies and gentlemen. 123 00:05:33,567 --> 00:05:36,197 If you'll follow me, Sergeant Gutierrez will drive you to the performance venue. 124 00:05:36,203 --> 00:05:38,603 I'm sure we'll pass a Best Buy on the way. 125 00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:40,805 If not, Deezy also likes sunglasses. 126 00:05:40,808 --> 00:05:42,938 So be on the lookout for a Sunglass Hut. 127 00:05:44,210 --> 00:05:44,580 Ladies. 128 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:51,051 -Um, hello. -Hello, little boy. 129 00:05:53,786 --> 00:05:56,356 Wait. You brought the van? 130 00:05:56,357 --> 00:05:59,317 Oh, yeah. Always bring your own ride, man. 131 00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:04,026 I've been stuck at too many lame ass parties, not to have my own ride. 132 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,801 -After you, little boy. -Okay. 133 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,830 Hey, dude, we'll follow you. 134 00:06:18,344 --> 00:06:19,884 (TIRES SCREECHING) 135 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,510 Michael, what are you doing? 136 00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:23,115 I think I saw a Radio Shack. 137 00:06:23,117 --> 00:06:25,047 Dad, we need to follow him! 138 00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:29,016 My bad. That ain't a Radio Shack. 139 00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,962 It's just a "shack" shack. 140 00:06:33,092 --> 00:06:34,932 -(YUNG SCREAMS) -Jesus Christ! 141 00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:39,257 (ELECTRICAL ZAPPING) 142 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:40,326 (PEOPLE GASPING) 143 00:06:43,836 --> 00:06:45,496 DEEZY: So, let me get this straight. 144 00:06:45,506 --> 00:06:46,836 There used to be a mummy in here? 145 00:06:46,840 --> 00:06:48,670 And now the mummy's gone. 146 00:06:48,675 --> 00:06:50,205 You're not Mike Tyson. 147 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:52,680 No. I'm his agent. But I got this. 148 00:06:52,679 --> 00:06:56,079 I'll go take a look around. You got a flashlight or something? 149 00:06:58,818 --> 00:07:01,488 Hmm. There's some creepy (BLEEP) down this way. 150 00:07:01,488 --> 00:07:02,818 (MEN CHEERING) 151 00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,488 MAN 1: Bend over! 152 00:07:06,493 --> 00:07:07,833 MAN 2: Yeah! 153 00:07:10,530 --> 00:07:12,500 Hmm, spray tan much? 154 00:07:13,733 --> 00:07:15,403 SOLDIER: What's up girl! 155 00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:17,842 (CHEERING) 156 00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:20,908 Dad, I'm really starting to get nervous. Can we practice or something? 157 00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:22,808 No, honey, no. 158 00:07:22,810 --> 00:07:25,240 I told you, you don't practice improv. 159 00:07:25,245 --> 00:07:27,845 Well, I don't think I can go out there. 160 00:07:27,848 --> 00:07:29,678 Okay, sweety, I understand. 161 00:07:29,683 --> 00:07:31,953 You're not funny. Hey, Pigeon. 162 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,452 Let's do it. We're the funny ones. 163 00:07:34,455 --> 00:07:35,685 Oh, I'm not doing it. 164 00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:38,059 Okay, cool. Marquess? 165 00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:39,858 MIKE: It's just me and you, dude. 166 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:40,960 What? 167 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,261 (ALL CHEERING) 168 00:07:42,728 --> 00:07:44,458 Hello, everyone. 169 00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:46,765 I am Mike Tyson, former heavyweight champion of the world. 170 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:49,597 But the real heavyweight champion of the world are you, 171 00:07:49,603 --> 00:07:50,743 the troops. 172 00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:52,867 (ALL CHEERING) 173 00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,343 I just came up with that, right now. 174 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:56,941 That's how good at improv I am. 175 00:07:56,944 --> 00:08:01,014 Okay, we're gonna perform a scene based on your suggestions, okay? 176 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:03,784 Can somebody shout out a typical work place? 177 00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:04,884 MAN 1: What about a doctor's office? 178 00:08:04,885 --> 00:08:05,975 MAN 2: A library! 179 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,016 MAN 3: A bank! 180 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,690 MIKE: I heard a bank. 181 00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:11,859 Okay, we take you now to a bank. 182 00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:13,119 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 183 00:08:14,594 --> 00:08:16,394 Uh, good afternoon sir. 184 00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:17,926 Welcome to the bank. 185 00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,631 I understand you are interested in, um, 186 00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:21,904 taking out a loan. 187 00:08:25,805 --> 00:08:28,035 (WHISPERING) Michael, say something. 188 00:08:33,579 --> 00:08:35,279 (CROWD WHISPERING) 189 00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:37,152 (CRICKETS) 190 00:08:38,317 --> 00:08:42,317 MIKE: Oh, God, I can't think of anything. 191 00:08:42,322 --> 00:08:45,322 My heart is beating a thousand miles an hour. 192 00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,085 I'm so nervous. 193 00:08:48,961 --> 00:08:52,261 Marquess, use your ghost powers to get us the (BLEEP) out of here. 194 00:08:52,266 --> 00:08:53,396 (ALARM BLARING) 195 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:54,800 (AUDIENCE GASPING) 196 00:08:54,801 --> 00:08:57,001 (ALL CLAMORING) 197 00:08:57,004 --> 00:08:59,874 Sorry to cut the show short, but evidently power went out in town 198 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,113 and the locals are going crazy. 199 00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:04,379 So the base has been placed on alert. 200 00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,138 If you follow Sergeant Gutierrez, 201 00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:09,606 he'll get you safely back to the airfield. 202 00:09:09,616 --> 00:09:12,316 Way to go Marquess, I owe you one buddy. 203 00:09:15,955 --> 00:09:18,985 Well, that was a satisfying 60-hour trip. 204 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,562 (MOBILE VIBRATING) 205 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:22,331 It's Deezy. 206 00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:24,829 Oh (BLEEP), I can't talk to him. We never got him a gift. 207 00:09:24,831 --> 00:09:27,371 Come on, we'll go to Sunglass Hut. 208 00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:31,435 Mike, it's Deezy. 209 00:09:31,438 --> 00:09:33,938 I'm hiding inside the skull of a wooly mammoth. 210 00:09:33,941 --> 00:09:35,841 There's a mummy that's after me! 211 00:09:35,842 --> 00:09:37,582 You gotta come quick. 212 00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,808 Oh, by the way, the dishes in the dishwasher are clean, 213 00:09:39,813 --> 00:09:42,113 but I didn't have a chance to unload it because of this mummy (BLEEP). 214 00:09:42,115 --> 00:09:45,845 So just don't put any dirty dishes in there, or they'll get all mixed up. 215 00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:47,522 -(GROANING MUMMY) -Oh (BLEEP)! 216 00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:49,751 There he is. I gotta go Mike, I gotta go. 217 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,016 Come quick! 218 00:10:00,399 --> 00:10:03,769 Ok guys, one more... One more, one more shout out suggestion. 219 00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:07,240 Give it to me. Come on. One more. Last one, guys. 220 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,540 MAN: Like an office supply store. 221 00:10:09,543 --> 00:10:11,383 Office supply store. 222 00:10:12,778 --> 00:10:14,048 Okay. 223 00:10:16,015 --> 00:10:17,215 We're at... 17395

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