Original subtitles

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(MARQUESS HUMMING)

Ah! These azaleas are coming along beautifully.

-How's my pot? -What!

-Huh? -You planted marijuana in my garden?

Well, uh, medical marijuana, yes.

Oh, oh. For your "glaucoma."

As a matter of fact, yes, I have a lot of glaucoma.

Hey, we got another mystery.

Come on, let's see what it says.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's Michael?

What the hell are you doing?

Takin' a oatmeal bath, man.

I'm having some kind of allergic reaction.

I'm itching all over.

Michael, I don't think you're supposed to cook the oatmeal.

Well, what are you allergic to?

Did you have something weird for breakfast?

No, I had the same breakfast I had for the last 10 years.

A couple blueberries,

some Greek yogurt and a roasted goat.

Wait. I thought you were a vegetarian!

Greek yogurt is vegetarian, Marquess.

Guys, what about the mystery?

Forget that mystery, Yung. I got my own mystery to solve.

Ugh.

What are these bites all over my body?

Oh, man, I'm dying. Jesus Christ.

Dad, you need to see a doctor. We'll take you.

-PIGEON: Not me. -Why?

Ah, I like when I have the house to myself.

What do you when we're gone?

You know what? No, don't answer that.

-I jack off! -Oh, God...

I literally said, "Don't answer that."

PIGEON: Oh, yeah.

Oh, hey, is oatmeal vegetarian?

Hmm. They look like mite bites.

What are mite bites?

You should ask Evander Holyfield that.

He's very familiar with Mike bites.

(LAUGHING)

No, not Mike bites.

Mite bites.

Mites, they are tiny insects that live on other animals like rats.

Do you have any rats?

What do you think? You think I'm dirty?

I live in a dirty house?

You better watch it, Doc,

or you're gonna get some Mike bites.

Dad.

Do you have any pets?

No. Oh, wait. I have a pet bear.

-What? -We do?

I haven't seen him in a while, maybe he's hibernating.

Any birds in the house?

Mites are commonly found on birds.

Nope. No birds in my house.

Dad, what about Pigeon?

-Who's Pigeon. -Oh, oh.

He's a bird that lives in the house with me.

His bedroom is next to my bedroom.

We're always together. We share the same brush.

In my opinion, that's what's causing your bites.

So, what do I do?

If I were you, I'd remove the pigeon from your home.

Oh, man. Poor Pigeon.

Is there anything else I can help you with?

Do you think I'd be a candidate for fillers?

I just feel like I look tired all the time.

Hmm. You know what? I'll schedule an appointment.

Oh, man. How am I gonna tell Pigeon he's gotta move out?

All right, all right. Maybe I could just tell him a lie?

I could tell him my sick Grandma must come to live with me,

and she's scared of pigeons because, um...

Because of that time when she was attacked by a pigeon in World War II.

-That's good. -Hmm.

Yeah, that's what I'll say.

Michael, we've talked about this kind of thing.

When you lie you're saying that

your feelings don't matter, but they do matter.

And you have to trust that even if Pigeon is disappointed in the moment,

the truth won't threaten your friendship.

(SIGHS)

What?

-(SIGHS) -You can do it.

Um, hey, Pigeon...

Uh, I'm afraid you can't live here anymore.

What?

What? Is this a joke?

Is this because of the pot? It's basically legal now.

No, it's not the pot.

Is it about the video camera I hooked up in Yung Hee's bathroom?

What?

No, it's not that.

Is it because I put a roofie in her soda last night?

-What? -Calm down, you didn't even drink it.

I wasted a perfectly good roofie.

-Ugh. -No.

Is it because I tried to take all those up-skirt pictures of Yung Hee?

-When? -Right now.

I'm not even wearing a skirt, you idiot.

Well, when you do, I'll be ready.

No, it's not that either.

Well, then what is it?

Just be honest. He'll understand.

The reason you can't live here anymore is because

you're a disgusting, filthy creature

with mites all over you

and they're biting me, and I can't take it anymore.

Seriously?

You're kicking me out of your house

because of your...bites?

You were the...heavyweight champion of the world,

and now you can't stand a little itching?

You can't put some... calamine lotion on there?

Well...you. Heh!

I'm gonna go find a better place to live

without a...ghost.

-Hey! -With a...hot Asian.

Ugh.

I thought you people were my friends.

I hope you all die!

Okay. Well, that went well.

PIGEON: P.S...

MARQUESS: Okay. Well, it's been a long day,

we should all just go to bed.

MIKE: I guess if there's a silver lining,

it's that tomorrow I'm gonna wake up with no bites.

And at least I can go to sleep tonight and not have to worry about getting molested.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I'm still here.

-(LAUGHS) -(SIGHS)

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, my goodness,

that's such a poor attempt at humor.

Oh, my...

See you all in the morning.

Hmm. It's probably going to be awkward in the morning

because of that joke I just made.

Why do you try to be funny, hmm?

You have diarrhea of the mouth.

This is why you don't have any friends.

Ugh.

I'll be playing that scene over and over all night.

I won't be able to get any sleep.

I'm gonna wake up looking like hell.

Oh, I got to call that dermatologist.

Well, I'm still here. What were you thinking?

(PIGEON SIGHING)

Well, this sucks.

Ooh, I'm probably gonna freeze to death out here.

Didn't even charge my phone before I left.

God, I forgot my wallet.

What's this?

Huh, my last roofie.

Hmm.

Ah, well, may as well pass out.

Maybe I'll get date raped.

Huh.

Meh, better than sitting on this bus bench.

(LAUGHING)

(DIALING)

YUNG: What's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on.

I woke up and there's more bites.

So, it wasn't Pigeon?

Dr. Friedman, what the hell, man?

I kicked out the pigeon and I'm still getting bit.

What do you mean you might have been wrong?

It could have been an allergic reaction to my detergent?

To my soap?

Where did you go to school at?

The university of I don't know shit?

Man, you made me kick out my friend, man.

I hope you die.

Come on, we got to go find that pigeon.

Morning.

Oh. Uh...

How many times do I have to apologize?

I was kidding!

-It was a joke. -(DOOR OPENS)

-And I don't tell good jokes. -(DOOR CLOSES)

(MICE SQUEAKING)

PIGEON: Ah.

(DOG WHIMPERING)

PIGEON: What the...?

Huh. Where the hell am I?

(MONKEYS GIBBERING)

PIGEON: Oh, Jesus.

Uh, excuse me, animal cruelty people, yeah.

-(BEAR GROWLING) -Ahhh!

-(MONKEYS SHRIEKING) -(ALARM BLARING)

(FROG CROAKING)

Uh, Diazepam.

Acepromazine.

Well, that sounds fun.

Man, no Pigeon.

And we went to every strip club in Las Vegas.

Yeah, I don't know why we had to stay so long at each one.

I miss Pigeon so much.

I'd give anything just to see him one more time.

-Oh. -Oh, my God.

(GIRL ON LAPTOP MOANING)

Don't you people knock?

Pigeon, you're home!

Yeah, I'll be out of here soon.

I just came home to get some stuff.

Then why are you masturbating on my computer?

Oh. Well, my phone is charging,

what am I supposed to do?

No, Pigeon, you can stay.

Turns out you're not the cause of my bites.

And even if you were, I wouldn't want you to leave.

-(BEAR GROWLING) -(YUNG SCREAMS)

Barry, I missed you.

I promise from now on I'll take better care of you.

Oh, man, that reminds me,

I forgot to feed my pet mosquitoes.

(MOSQUITOES WHINING)

You keep mosquitoes in your bedroom?

Yeah. The sound helps me sleep.

Dad, these mosquitoes are biting you.

You're gonna have to get rid of 'em.

(SIGHS)

Okay. Can you give me a moment, please?

Okay, mosquitoes, here's the thing.

My sick grandmother is coming to town from World War II

and she's allergic to mosquitoes.

Okay. Well, baby steps.

At least we solved the mystery.

(GASPS)

Oh, no. We forgot about this mystery.

I hope it wasn't time sensitive.

"Dear Mike Tyson,

"this is extremely time sensitive.

"I have discovered an armed nuclear device

"hidden inside the Hoover Dam."

(GASPS)

(EXPLOSION)

Goodbye, mosquitoes,

I'm really sorry it didn't work out.

Good luck out there, in that cold, cruel world.

-(SCREAMING) -Dr. Friedman, what the hell, man?

I hope you die!

(FROG CROAKING)

I really miss my cats. I had a cat named Kenya.

I had her for a long time, probably 12 years

and then eventually, um, she bit someone's hands off.