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Ladies and gentlemen!
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From Bakersfield, California,
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00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:19,585
Gabriel Iglesias.
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00:00:52,018 --> 00:00:53,519
Thank you!
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00:00:53,653 --> 00:00:55,687
Thank you!
Wow!
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Oooh!
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00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:03,862
Oh, yeah, I have no pressure.
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00:01:05,165 --> 00:01:07,032
Thank you so much, Bakersfield.
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I can't thank you guys enough for making
this a completely sold-out house here..
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00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:13,038
at the Fox Theater.
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Yeah, well, a lot of people around say,
Where are you gonna do your special?
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When you get to do your special,
where you gonna do it?
13
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And a couple people say,
Well, are you gonna do it in New York,
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00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:28,787
in L.A.? And I said You know, L.A.,
New York wasn't where I got my start,
15
00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:34,126
In 1997, my first theater performance
was right here on this very stage.
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00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:43,068
And I know some of you are looking
at the background going,
17
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:45,838
Okay, then if he's showing
Bakersfield love,
18
00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:48,507
how come he has a picture of Hawaii?
19
00:01:50,410 --> 00:01:52,377
And just so you know,
that's not a picture of Hawaii,
20
00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:55,447
that's a picture of the The
Bluffs here in Bakersfield.
21
00:02:01,654 --> 00:02:03,789
Woo!
22
00:02:03,923 --> 00:02:05,157
I love you guys, man.
I have..
23
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,392
I have way too many good
memories here, man,
24
00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:11,063
some of them are kind of blurred
because I was...
25
00:02:11,197 --> 00:02:13,031
You can't hang out seriously here.
26
00:02:13,166 --> 00:02:15,334
You gotta be careful 'cause the
Police here in Bakersfield,
27
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:16,602
they don't mess around.
28
00:02:16,736 --> 00:02:19,037
They will stop you for
anything, man.
29
00:02:19,172 --> 00:02:21,440
They got me outside,
30
00:02:21,574 --> 00:02:22,407
What are you doing?
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00:02:22,542 --> 00:02:23,942
Walking.
32
00:02:27,614 --> 00:02:29,214
But I noticed something though.
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00:02:29,349 --> 00:02:32,050
If you can make a cop laugh,
they will work with you.
34
00:02:32,185 --> 00:02:33,919
But you gotta really make 'em laugh.
35
00:02:34,053 --> 00:02:35,587
You can't just make 'em go, Ahh.
36
00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:39,258
You gotta make 'em , you know,
37
00:02:39,392 --> 00:02:43,195
I made a cop laugh so hard one time,
he almost peed on himself.
38
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:44,763
I know this 'cause he told me.
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00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:47,132
He was, like, You don't understand.
40
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:48,400
I damn near pissed myself.
41
00:02:52,071 --> 00:02:54,740
And here in Bakersfield, man,
it's no different, man.
42
00:02:54,874 --> 00:03:00,712
I love every part of this town.
I even love Oildale.
43
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,748
Oh, yeah.
44
00:03:02,882 --> 00:03:06,485
And for everybody watching at home,
going, What the hell is Oildale?
45
00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:17,362
Yeehaw!
46
00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:22,868
But I still love it, guys,
I still love it.
47
00:03:23,002 --> 00:03:25,470
But yeah, man, drinking here
in town, you gotta be careful
48
00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:27,573
'cause some people can handle alcohol.
49
00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,041
You know who you are.
50
00:03:29,175 --> 00:03:30,876
Some people can't.
51
00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:32,077
And you have no clue.
52
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,581
Guys especially.
You know how it goes.
53
00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:38,250
We get loaded, we turn into one
of three people.
54
00:03:38,384 --> 00:03:40,252
We're either the I love you guy,
55
00:03:40,386 --> 00:03:41,520
I hate you guy,
56
00:03:41,654 --> 00:03:43,822
or the "Mere" guy.
57
00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:44,690
You know that guy, right?
58
00:03:44,824 --> 00:03:46,992
Shh, hey!
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00:03:47,126 --> 00:03:48,026
Mere.
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00:03:55,268 --> 00:03:58,537
I know 'cause that's me.
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00:03:58,671 --> 00:04:00,305
Oh my God, I can't handle alcohol.
62
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:03,008
People, when they get drunk
they say things they don't mean.
63
00:04:03,142 --> 00:04:04,643
You know when I'm drunk you
hear something like
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00:04:04,777 --> 00:04:07,713
Woo! I'm going running.
65
00:04:09,949 --> 00:04:12,551
You better cut me off.
66
00:04:12,685 --> 00:04:14,086
Aw, hell, yeah man.
67
00:04:14,220 --> 00:04:16,154
And when I drink, I only drink
like regular alcohol.
68
00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:18,156
I don't do beer.
Beer just doesn't.. no.
69
00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:20,826
Beer makes me talk to my body.
70
00:04:20,960 --> 00:04:22,094
I don't like that.
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00:04:22,228 --> 00:04:23,562
When I get drunk on beer,
I get weird.
72
00:04:23,696 --> 00:04:26,598
I'm, like..
73
00:04:30,236 --> 00:04:31,236
What's the matter?
74
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:38,944
Hey! You said you could hang.
75
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,614
Don't talk to me there!
76
00:04:45,518 --> 00:04:47,085
You talkin' shit too?
77
00:04:57,797 --> 00:05:00,465
That's what I say.
You just gotta be careful, you know.
78
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,769
And if you're gonna drink and
you are thinking about driving,
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00:05:03,903 --> 00:05:07,005
don't do it.
It's not a good idea 'cause like I say,
80
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,473
You know when you're drunk.
81
00:05:08,608 --> 00:05:10,342
You're doing laps in the
parking lot
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00:05:10,476 --> 00:05:12,411
and you can't find the exit.
Hello?
83
00:05:12,545 --> 00:05:14,379
Some of you make it out to
the streets,
84
00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:20,952
you know when you're drunk,
you're like,
85
00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:24,222
Behind you you hear..
86
00:05:24,357 --> 00:05:28,060
Shut up, stupid!
87
00:05:28,194 --> 00:05:32,531
If you hear the magical sound
88
00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,700
one of two things will pop
into your head.
89
00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:38,470
Either, one:
I'm okay, I'm fine.
90
00:05:38,604 --> 00:05:41,073
I can beat this.
91
00:05:41,207 --> 00:05:42,741
Or, two:
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00:05:42,875 --> 00:05:44,409
I'm gonna go to jail.
93
00:05:48,381 --> 00:05:52,584
I'm gonna go to jail!
I'm gonna go to jail!
94
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:55,954
I gotta let you go, babe.
I gonna go to jail.
95
00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:57,756
Tell the kids I love them. Bye.
96
00:06:02,095 --> 00:06:03,829
I'm gonna tell you right now,
again,
97
00:06:03,963 --> 00:06:06,064
if you can make the Police laugh,
you have a chance.
98
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,999
If you do get pulled over
for drunk driving,
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00:06:08,134 --> 00:06:12,237
pull over as slowly and as
safely as you can.
100
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:15,440
Get over to the...
101
00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:19,478
Now, if you know for a fact
that you are gonna go to jail,
102
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:21,947
okay, you're already.. I'm gone.
103
00:06:22,081 --> 00:06:23,315
Have a little fun.
104
00:06:24,851 --> 00:06:26,685
I don't mean take off on a
high speed pursuit.
105
00:06:26,819 --> 00:06:28,053
No, no, no, don't do that.
106
00:06:28,187 --> 00:06:29,988
'Cause you're not gonna get
very far.
107
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:33,058
I mean , if you're drunk and you
know you're gonna go to jail,
108
00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:35,761
and you have tinted windows..
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00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:38,029
have a little extra fun.
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00:06:38,164 --> 00:06:39,398
Take off your seatbelt,
111
00:06:39,532 --> 00:06:41,199
jump over to the passenger side,
112
00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:44,503
throw your seatbelt back on
and just wait for the cop.
113
00:06:53,112 --> 00:06:56,681
You have no idea how bad you're
gonna throw his ass off, you guys.
114
00:06:56,816 --> 00:06:59,918
He's gonna come over to the
driver's side with a flashlight..
115
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:10,095
And you're sitting there...
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00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,868
He was here a second ago.
117
00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:20,572
I don't know where he went.
118
00:07:22,408 --> 00:07:24,609
Excuse me?
What??
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00:07:24,744 --> 00:07:25,977
Me drive?
120
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,280
Aw, hell no, I'm fucked up.
121
00:07:38,524 --> 00:07:41,493
That's sad because I know some
of you are gonna try it.
122
00:07:43,229 --> 00:07:45,130
Let's do what the fat guy said!
Do it!
123
00:07:45,264 --> 00:07:47,999
And for the record, I'm not fat.
I'm Fluffy.
124
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,674
For those of you who still
don't know,
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00:07:55,808 --> 00:07:59,344
there are five levels of fatness.
Fluffy is one of the levels.
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00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,379
There's Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy,
127
00:08:01,514 --> 00:08:03,081
and Damn!
128
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:05,484
I'm still number four.
129
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:08,320
People go,
How do you know when you're number five?
130
00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:10,388
Well, 'cause people will tell you.
131
00:08:10,523 --> 00:08:12,157
If you try to get on an elevator
that's crowded
132
00:08:12,291 --> 00:08:13,458
and people stop you and go,
133
00:08:13,593 --> 00:08:15,227
Uh-uh.
134
00:08:15,361 --> 00:08:17,462
Damn!
135
00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:20,665
If you go to Disneyland and
little kids want to ride.. you!
136
00:08:22,168 --> 00:08:23,802
I wanna get on that one.
137
00:08:27,173 --> 00:08:29,441
Damn.
138
00:08:29,575 --> 00:08:31,610
Hey, I'm sorry,
little kids are too honest, man.
139
00:08:31,744 --> 00:08:33,745
They're like little alcoholics.
140
00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:38,717
I love Disneyland but they're
not fluffy-friendly.
141
00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:39,918
They're not, man.
142
00:08:40,052 --> 00:08:41,753
They care about safety, you know,
143
00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:43,822
and that sucks,
'cause I could handle one bar.
144
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:45,090
One bar, I'm cool.
145
00:08:45,224 --> 00:08:49,761
But now they got the whole..
146
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:53,131
If you're fluffy,
one of those is not gonna lock.
147
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,767
You're trying..
148
00:08:55,902 --> 00:08:58,570
People are in line,
You can do it!
149
00:09:03,342 --> 00:09:05,343
One time I took a trip
with my buddy Mondo.
150
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:07,012
A big guy, another big guy.
151
00:09:07,146 --> 00:09:09,581
And I went with him because his family,
they decided to go
152
00:09:09,715 --> 00:09:12,517
and he didn't want to be the only
one hanging out by the strollers.
153
00:09:14,020 --> 00:09:15,420
So we're hanging out at the
end of the day,
154
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,956
my buddy Mondo goes,
Dude, we should get on a ride!
155
00:09:18,090 --> 00:09:21,226
I go, Which one? We can't get on
none of them, dude, we're too big.
156
00:09:21,360 --> 00:09:25,463
He goes, there's a ride here at Disneyland
that's called Splash Mountain.
157
00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:27,265
I go, What is that?
158
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,568
He goes, It's a log and you
get inside the log
159
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:33,505
and it goes uphill, it goes down,
and makes a splash.
160
00:09:33,639 --> 00:09:35,540
No seatbelt, no pull-bar.
161
00:09:35,675 --> 00:09:37,776
You just get in and go.
162
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:41,846
I go, No seatbelt?
No pull-bar?
163
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,483
So we get in line for our ride,
we're all pumped up,
164
00:09:45,618 --> 00:09:47,752
and I see people getting off the
ride with these little note cards.
165
00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:49,421
I go, What are those?
166
00:09:49,555 --> 00:09:51,089
He goes, oh, they take a photo
of you when you go downhill.
167
00:09:51,223 --> 00:09:53,391
Oh , okay, cool.
So we get to the front of the line,
168
00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:55,994
and then we have to deal with
the lady with the headset,
169
00:09:56,128 --> 00:09:57,929
the lady who takes her job
way too serious.
170
00:09:58,064 --> 00:10:00,298
Okay, how many people?
Four? Okay. Two here, two here.
171
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,601
How many, five?
Okay, three there, two there.
172
00:10:02,735 --> 00:10:04,936
We get to the front,
How many peo..?
173
00:10:06,739 --> 00:10:08,807
Who cares? We get our own boat.
We take off.
174
00:10:13,879 --> 00:10:16,014
We're splishing and splashing
like little kids..
175
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:21,686
Three minutes go by, the moment
of truth, we get to the hill.
176
00:10:38,771 --> 00:10:40,639
My buddy Mondo turns around,
he says,
177
00:10:40,773 --> 00:10:43,274
Dude, let's flash the camera.
178
00:10:45,745 --> 00:10:48,113
I said, You're stupid.
179
00:10:48,247 --> 00:10:49,347
I'm down.
180
00:10:51,283 --> 00:10:52,550
So as soon as they let us go, right?
181
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:03,261
We get off the ride,
we are soaking wet,
182
00:11:08,467 --> 00:11:11,102
We're all rosado right here.
183
00:11:11,237 --> 00:11:13,638
We got a mean old baby rash.
184
00:11:18,210 --> 00:11:20,278
We go to buy the picture,
185
00:11:20,413 --> 00:11:22,247
and there's a lady behind the counter
186
00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:23,848
with her hand on the screen.
187
00:11:25,584 --> 00:11:28,119
And I ask my buddy Mondo,
I said, Bro, what boat are we?
188
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:32,257
He says, 22.
I go, She's covering 22!
189
00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:33,892
He goes, Oh, we better
sneak out of here.
190
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:35,627
Ho, yeah, we're gonna sneak out.
191
00:11:39,065 --> 00:11:43,068
We get past the picture girl but then
we get stopped by Disney Security.
192
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:45,603
And you have not lived
until you been stopped
193
00:11:45,738 --> 00:11:50,909
by a freaking man wearing a
badge in the shape of a mouse.
194
00:11:51,043 --> 00:11:54,179
This guy was like, Hold on!
Hold on a second!
195
00:11:54,313 --> 00:11:56,481
Ma'am, move away your hand
from the screen.
196
00:11:56,615 --> 00:11:58,717
You guys see what I see here?
197
00:11:58,851 --> 00:12:00,485
That's a disgrace to this park!
198
00:12:00,619 --> 00:12:03,455
We can't believe anyone
could take such a photo.
199
00:12:03,589 --> 00:12:06,291
My question to you guys..
200
00:12:06,425 --> 00:12:09,060
Do you recognize the two big
women in this picture?
201
00:12:19,972 --> 00:12:22,273
And it wasn't until we walked
over to this photo
202
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:25,610
that my buddy Armando and I realized
something about ourselves.
203
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:28,680
And that is that when two
full-grown fluffy men
204
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:32,283
are going downhill at a
45-degree angle,
205
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:35,019
with no shirts on, going like this,
206
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:39,891
we both look like sexy bitches.
207
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:51,202
But again, if you're gonna drink,
just be careful, you guys.
208
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:53,304
Some of you can handle,
and some can't..
209
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:57,776
I got kicked out of a bar on
Saint Patrick's Day.
210
00:12:57,910 --> 00:13:01,279
I was performing at the bar.
211
00:13:01,413 --> 00:13:02,914
How do I get thrown out, right?
212
00:13:03,048 --> 00:13:04,983
I'm having fun, people are
giving me free drinks.
213
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:07,085
Here, have another drink.
214
00:13:07,219 --> 00:13:08,386
I'm , like, woo!
215
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:10,321
I started pissing off the management
216
00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:12,757
and the owners of this Irish
place that I was at.
217
00:13:12,892 --> 00:13:15,794
The bartender's like,
Hey, buddy, relax!
218
00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:18,997
Are you okay?
Are you having a good time?
219
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:20,999
I was so drunk I did this:
220
00:13:21,133 --> 00:13:23,635
I'm having a great time.
221
00:13:28,507 --> 00:13:31,643
People around me,
Oh my God, are you Irish?
222
00:13:31,777 --> 00:13:35,680
I was, like, Aye!
223
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,216
They're, like,
What part of Ireland are you from?
224
00:13:38,350 --> 00:13:40,318
Uh, downtown.
225
00:13:40,452 --> 00:13:41,853
Are you here by yourself?
226
00:13:41,987 --> 00:13:45,156
Oh, no, I'm not here by myself.
227
00:13:45,291 --> 00:13:46,357
Donkey!
228
00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:58,403
Now if you're not laughing, you need to get
out more often because that's a funny joke.
229
00:13:58,537 --> 00:14:00,205
That's hysterical.
Ask a 10-year old, they'll tell you,
230
00:14:00,339 --> 00:14:02,373
That's funny!
231
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,843
I did that joke one night at
Memphis, Tennessee.
232
00:14:04,977 --> 00:14:07,078
And some guy thought he knew
why it was funny.
233
00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:09,280
And he was way off but he
confronted me outside,
234
00:14:09,415 --> 00:14:13,585
all drunk,
Hey, you! Fluffy!
235
00:14:13,719 --> 00:14:14,986
I'm , like, What?
236
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,821
Mere.
237
00:14:16,956 --> 00:14:19,023
No, you mere.
238
00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:22,794
And he walks over and he says,
I have to tell you your show was hysterical.
239
00:14:22,928 --> 00:14:26,898
I done near wet myself
when you said 'Donkey!'
240
00:14:27,032 --> 00:14:30,034
My friend Rod didn't laugh
so I had to explain it to him
241
00:14:30,169 --> 00:14:32,270
and he thinks I'm wrong
but I know I'm right.
242
00:14:32,404 --> 00:14:34,038
Could yah set the record straight?
243
00:14:34,173 --> 00:14:35,907
Sure, what'd you tell your friend?
244
00:14:36,041 --> 00:14:38,409
Okay, look here, I told him the
reason why it was funnier than hell
245
00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:41,112
when you said 'Donkey!'..
246
00:14:41,247 --> 00:14:42,947
it's 'cause you're Mexican .
247
00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:50,421
And you people ride Donkeys!
248
00:14:53,993 --> 00:14:56,461
Normally, I woulda been all
over this guy
249
00:14:56,595 --> 00:15:00,231
but two things, one, I was in
Memphis, Tennessee,
250
00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:01,566
no support.
251
00:15:03,202 --> 00:15:04,535
And, two, the guy was drunk.
252
00:15:04,670 --> 00:15:06,804
I just don't deal with drunk people,
man, uh-uh.
253
00:15:06,939 --> 00:15:08,406
When it comes to drinking and women,
254
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:09,707
ladies, when you go out,
255
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,910
make sure you take one guy
with you.
256
00:15:12,044 --> 00:15:13,278
You need to take one guy,
257
00:15:13,412 --> 00:15:15,046
even if he's..
Oh, my God!
258
00:15:15,180 --> 00:15:16,147
You need one.
259
00:15:17,483 --> 00:15:19,150
'Cause a group of you get together,
260
00:15:19,285 --> 00:15:21,719
there's always one who will elect
herself the team captain, right?
261
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:24,822
Try to rally the troops?
Get everybody together..
262
00:15:24,957 --> 00:15:26,457
Okay, look,
263
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,860
check it out, this is a.. shut up!
264
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,628
Okay, look,
this is what's gonna happen.
265
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,363
We're gonna take my car,
so leave your car,
266
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:35,667
my car, leave your car,
ready, ready, let's go.
267
00:15:35,801 --> 00:15:42,273
They get in the car...
268
00:15:42,408 --> 00:15:46,744
They get to the club...
269
00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:52,717
Oh no, my purse!
270
00:15:55,754 --> 00:15:58,156
They go inside the club,
they start jamming, having fun,
271
00:16:04,763 --> 00:16:06,097
Oo-lah!
272
00:16:09,902 --> 00:16:13,338
End of the night, that same
girl who's been the leader,
273
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,975
the captain, she gets more
hammered than everybody.
274
00:16:17,109 --> 00:16:19,010
She's the biggest hypocrite walking,
275
00:16:19,144 --> 00:16:22,213
now missing a shoe, purse,
keys, friends, car.
276
00:16:22,348 --> 00:16:24,716
Look, some of you are pointing,
"That's you, bitch!"
277
00:16:26,485 --> 00:16:28,519
End of the night,
she's stumbling out of the club,
278
00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:32,957
I gotta pee.
279
00:16:33,092 --> 00:16:34,459
Not anymore.
280
00:16:37,262 --> 00:16:40,431
She's on the curb crying,
mascara's coming down her face,
281
00:16:40,566 --> 00:16:42,767
I'm so wasted.
282
00:16:42,901 --> 00:16:45,570
Who the hell is gonna want me now?
283
00:16:45,704 --> 00:16:46,804
That's when I come out.
284
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,573
Wassup?
285
00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:56,447
I keep coming back to alcohol.
286
00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:58,383
I keep having these issues
with it.
287
00:16:58,517 --> 00:16:59,951
Like, I got loaded one night,
288
00:17:00,085 --> 00:17:01,386
and I don't know what happened,
289
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:03,287
I accidentally wound up at this,
um,
290
00:17:03,422 --> 00:17:08,359
"Dance place".. gentlemen clubby
place, right?
291
00:17:08,494 --> 00:17:10,294
I wasn't driving, it was an accident.
292
00:17:10,429 --> 00:17:13,564
We pulled up to the place and...
293
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:16,334
Ahhh!
294
00:17:16,468 --> 00:17:17,835
I knew where I was at.
295
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:19,237
Even when you're drunk,
you could be drunk and blind,
296
00:17:19,371 --> 00:17:21,039
you know where you're at,
as long as you hear..
297
00:17:27,379 --> 00:17:29,247
I walked in there and I got recognized
298
00:17:29,381 --> 00:17:30,615
by one of the dancers.
299
00:17:30,749 --> 00:17:32,483
You gotta call them dancers
or entertainers
300
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,152
or they get mad at you.
They'll get mad.
301
00:17:34,286 --> 00:17:36,521
I am not a stripper.
Okay?
302
00:17:36,655 --> 00:17:39,390
I am an.. entertainer.
303
00:17:39,525 --> 00:17:42,727
I'm like, Nooo, I'm an entertainer.
304
00:17:42,861 --> 00:17:45,263
You're a nasty.
305
00:17:48,967 --> 00:17:51,069
Some girl recognizes you,
Oh my God!
306
00:17:51,203 --> 00:17:52,570
I know who you are!
You're famous!
307
00:17:52,704 --> 00:17:54,906
And I'm like, Oh, no.
Oh, no.
308
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:58,276
And some other dancer who's spinning
on a pole overheard "famous"
309
00:17:58,410 --> 00:18:00,244
and she stops.
Just ee!
310
00:18:01,713 --> 00:18:04,449
She walks over, Oh my God,
you're famous?
311
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:06,584
Can I have your autograph?
312
00:18:06,718 --> 00:18:08,586
You don't even know me.
313
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:11,756
I don't care.
Sign it!
314
00:18:11,890 --> 00:18:13,958
Okay, relax.
315
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,293
What's your name?
316
00:18:15,427 --> 00:18:17,628
Diamond.
317
00:18:17,763 --> 00:18:18,863
What's your last name?
318
00:18:18,997 --> 00:18:20,631
Rodriguez.
319
00:18:23,836 --> 00:18:25,203
To Diamond.
320
00:18:25,337 --> 00:18:27,672
With all my love and affection..
321
00:18:27,806 --> 00:18:29,373
Hurry up!
322
00:18:29,508 --> 00:18:31,275
I got mad so I wrote..
323
00:18:31,410 --> 00:18:33,244
George Lopez.
324
00:18:39,818 --> 00:18:42,220
I was drunk. I didn't care.
I'm all loaded.
325
00:18:42,354 --> 00:18:43,821
She freaked out, she's like..
326
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:47,358
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
327
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:50,061
You're George Lopez!
328
00:18:50,195 --> 00:18:51,929
I can't help it, you guys,
329
00:18:52,064 --> 00:18:54,165
I was so drunk I did this,
I said:
330
00:18:54,299 --> 00:18:56,033
I know, ha.
331
00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:13,184
Ey! Ey, cabrona!
Why you crying?
332
00:19:13,318 --> 00:19:17,155
Why you crying?
(Spanish)
333
00:19:20,559 --> 00:19:21,893
("She's crazy.")
334
00:19:22,027 --> 00:19:26,864
I won't lie to you guys,
George knows I do that.
335
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,699
I don't think he likes it.
336
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:31,836
I've done that to a couple of
other people, you know,
337
00:19:31,970 --> 00:19:34,138
I did that to Paul Rodriguez,
and Paul was cool.
338
00:19:34,273 --> 00:19:36,574
Paul was really cool about it.
He was, like, you know,
339
00:19:36,708 --> 00:19:40,511
Hey, I heard there's a guy out there
340
00:19:40,646 --> 00:19:43,247
who knows how to talk like me.
Is that you?
341
00:19:43,382 --> 00:19:45,816
I said, yeah, that's me.
342
00:19:47,319 --> 00:19:48,886
That's purty good!
343
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:51,189
I said, I know, ha.
344
00:19:52,624 --> 00:19:54,792
Hey, can you do Mencia?
345
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,494
Da-da-daa!
346
00:20:05,737 --> 00:20:07,872
Da's how you do it!
347
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:15,713
Now, Carlos knows I do that,
and he gets mad at me 'cause he goes
348
00:20:15,847 --> 00:20:19,717
You gotta do it.. better!
349
00:20:19,851 --> 00:20:22,753
No, sometimes I use my voices
for evil, man, I won't lie.
350
00:20:22,888 --> 00:20:24,255
If I don't have my way, like,
351
00:20:24,389 --> 00:20:27,158
when I go to drive-thrus,
and they screw up my order,
352
00:20:27,292 --> 00:20:28,960
oh, I'm evil.
353
00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:30,828
I go back around and I start ordering
354
00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:32,496
but I throw them off by doing this.
355
00:20:32,631 --> 00:20:34,298
They'll come on the speaker:
356
00:20:34,433 --> 00:20:36,067
Welcome to Fantastic Burger,
how can I help you?
357
00:20:36,201 --> 00:20:38,502
I'll do this:
Hello, sir?
358
00:20:38,637 --> 00:20:41,339
Hi!
359
00:20:41,473 --> 00:20:43,774
Can I please have a double cheeseburger,
360
00:20:43,909 --> 00:20:45,476
an order of fries and a shake?
361
00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:49,146
Double cheeseburger,
order of fries and a shake.
362
00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:51,315
Oh, my God! Yes!
363
00:20:51,450 --> 00:20:53,150
Thank you, pull up to the window.
364
00:20:53,285 --> 00:20:55,586
Then I pull up.
Oh, they're not expecting.. me.
365
00:21:02,828 --> 00:21:05,129
Oh, the look on their face is
the best, right?
366
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:08,699
Did you just order?
367
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,401
They come back with a bag of food,
368
00:21:10,535 --> 00:21:11,569
Um, would you like ketchup?
369
00:21:11,703 --> 00:21:12,937
That's where I let 'em have it.
370
00:21:13,071 --> 00:21:15,273
Oh, my God, yes!
371
00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:24,282
Hell, yeah, man.
372
00:21:24,416 --> 00:21:25,816
Oh, by the way, before I forget,
373
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:27,251
I know I have a habit on my shows
374
00:21:27,386 --> 00:21:29,420
of sometimes throwing a little
Spanish in there.
375
00:21:29,554 --> 00:21:32,323
If you don't understand Spanish,
I do apologize, okay?
376
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:34,825
I promise I will be translating.
377
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:36,627
I don't want anybody freaking out
378
00:21:36,762 --> 00:21:39,797
or reporting me to the management
with concerns or issues, you know.
379
00:21:39,931 --> 00:21:42,700
What the hell is going on in there!
380
00:21:42,834 --> 00:21:44,435
What kind of show is this?
381
00:21:44,569 --> 00:21:46,504
Now somebody better hit the
SAP button
382
00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:48,939
on that son of a bitch real quick!
383
00:21:49,074 --> 00:21:52,243
I didn't pay good money to hear
some Samoan speak Spanish.
384
00:21:58,050 --> 00:22:01,052
I'm not Samoan, I'm.. Fluffy.
385
00:22:01,186 --> 00:22:05,423
I didn't know why the guy thought
I was Samoan , you know.
386
00:22:05,557 --> 00:22:09,193
And I've had this happen a couple
times where people go, Are you Hawaiian?
387
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:11,962
Why, no.
It's not just the shirt.
388
00:22:12,097 --> 00:22:14,832
I thought it was just the shirt but no,
how can it just be a shirt?
389
00:22:14,966 --> 00:22:18,836
Just because you wear a freakin' sombrero,
that doesn't make you Mexican.
390
00:22:18,970 --> 00:22:20,738
I see white people wearing a sarape,
391
00:22:20,872 --> 00:22:22,540
walking a donkey with a sombrero,
392
00:22:22,674 --> 00:22:24,709
you don't look at 'em and go,
Hola, amigo.
393
00:22:24,843 --> 00:22:28,746
No, you're like, Hey, Ted. Hi.
394
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,215
You know, and he's walking
around Hola. Come on.
395
00:22:31,350 --> 00:22:37,188
Come on, stupid donkey. Donkey!
Come on.
396
00:22:37,322 --> 00:22:40,524
I don't get it, man.
But it's funny though.
397
00:22:40,659 --> 00:22:42,960
I didn't know why the guy
thought I was Hawaiian
398
00:22:43,095 --> 00:22:45,196
until I actually went to Hawaii,
399
00:22:45,330 --> 00:22:49,834
I found out that Hawaiian people
actually look like swollen Mexicans.
400
00:22:51,636 --> 00:22:53,904
They do! I got off the plane,
I looked around, I was, like,
401
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:57,274
Oh, my God!
My family!
402
00:22:57,409 --> 00:23:01,512
Even they were, like, Aloha brother...
403
00:23:01,646 --> 00:23:02,813
Orale!
404
00:23:09,554 --> 00:23:11,956
I loved Hawaii.
Hawaii was great, man.
405
00:23:12,090 --> 00:23:14,258
They have a lot of different
cultures there.
406
00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:16,260
They have a lot of Asian people.
407
00:23:16,395 --> 00:23:17,795
A lot. A lot of Koreans.
408
00:23:17,929 --> 00:23:20,498
I know this because I got
a couple of shirts tailored
409
00:23:20,632 --> 00:23:22,066
at some places,
410
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:24,368
and every time I go in,
there's always a Korean lady.
411
00:23:24,503 --> 00:23:28,072
An older Korean lady.
Who was mean.
412
00:23:28,206 --> 00:23:31,075
I'd walk in and this one lady
always had a comment to make.
413
00:23:31,209 --> 00:23:32,410
I'm there for a week
414
00:23:32,544 --> 00:23:34,311
and every day she had a
different comment.
415
00:23:34,446 --> 00:23:36,781
I walk in one day and,
I couldn't say anything either
416
00:23:36,915 --> 00:23:38,249
'cause she was 75 years old.
417
00:23:38,383 --> 00:23:40,084
I can't say nothing back.
418
00:23:40,218 --> 00:23:41,419
But there I am, walking in.
419
00:23:42,654 --> 00:23:43,888
The lady behind the counter,
420
00:23:44,022 --> 00:23:45,890
Ohhh!
421
00:23:46,024 --> 00:23:47,992
Oh, looka who's here.
422
00:23:49,194 --> 00:23:51,295
Looka who's here.
423
00:23:51,430 --> 00:23:54,298
Ohhh, shit, we gonna worka
hard today.
424
00:24:04,042 --> 00:24:05,509
Whatever.
425
00:24:05,644 --> 00:24:07,545
Don't make fun of me.
426
00:24:07,679 --> 00:24:09,380
But I can handle it, you know.
427
00:24:09,514 --> 00:24:10,948
I can handle it.
People say,
428
00:24:11,082 --> 00:24:13,317
Gabriel, you go up there and
you make fun of yourself.
429
00:24:13,452 --> 00:24:15,085
No, I don't.
430
00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:18,722
I come up here and I tell you the
things that I heard people say.
431
00:24:18,857 --> 00:24:20,357
There's a difference.
432
00:24:20,492 --> 00:24:24,094
Sometimes I set myself up for
jokes and I don't realize it.
433
00:24:24,229 --> 00:24:26,397
Three years ago, I bought a Beetle.
434
00:24:26,531 --> 00:24:27,765
Not even thinking.
435
00:24:29,201 --> 00:24:30,935
That's not the joke, shut up.
436
00:24:33,505 --> 00:24:35,105
See, I can't even tell you
guys a story.
437
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:36,974
Hmm.
438
00:24:37,108 --> 00:24:38,609
I wasn't thinking,
I bought the car
439
00:24:38,743 --> 00:24:41,512
'cause it was affordable,
economical, brand new
440
00:24:41,646 --> 00:24:43,347
freakin' Beetle for, like,
17 grand.
441
00:24:43,482 --> 00:24:45,583
I was, like, first new car.
442
00:24:45,717 --> 00:24:48,052
I go to show it off at my
friend Martin's house.
443
00:24:48,186 --> 00:24:53,023
I thought it was nice,
I pull up, you know,
444
00:24:53,158 --> 00:24:56,026
Martiiin!
445
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:59,363
He lives in the Hood,
I don't get out of the car.
446
00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:01,999
Across the street there are
these gang members,
447
00:25:02,133 --> 00:25:05,436
they don't really get into shooting
people and stuff like that,
448
00:25:05,570 --> 00:25:07,738
they just hang out on the porch
and talk a lot of smack.
449
00:25:07,873 --> 00:25:10,441
So I'm there in the Beetle and
across the street I hear this,
450
00:25:10,575 --> 00:25:11,809
I'm, like, Martiiin!
451
00:25:11,943 --> 00:25:13,110
And over here, I hear..
452
00:25:13,245 --> 00:25:14,745
Orale.
453
00:25:19,284 --> 00:25:21,619
Hey, what's up, guys?
How's it going?
454
00:25:21,753 --> 00:25:24,622
How'd you get in there ese.
455
00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:32,563
Hurry up, Martin!
456
00:25:34,032 --> 00:25:36,734
Two months later,
I go back to pick him up.
457
00:25:36,868 --> 00:25:38,903
Now I've had some time
to work on the car,
458
00:25:39,037 --> 00:25:41,205
I put some rims on it, some stickers,
459
00:25:41,339 --> 00:25:43,474
I put a chip in the motor
so it goes faster.
460
00:25:43,608 --> 00:25:45,409
I thought I was bad , right?
I pull up,
461
00:25:50,282 --> 00:25:52,950
Martiiin!
462
00:25:53,084 --> 00:25:54,752
Orale!
463
00:25:56,087 --> 00:25:58,289
Uh-uh, I'm not turning around.
464
00:25:58,423 --> 00:25:59,523
Hey.
465
00:25:59,658 --> 00:26:00,824
Uh-uh.
466
00:26:00,959 --> 00:26:01,892
Hey.
467
00:26:02,027 --> 00:26:03,527
I don't see you.
468
00:26:03,662 --> 00:26:05,629
Yoo-hoo!
469
00:26:06,831 --> 00:26:07,765
Hey!
470
00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:09,266
What!!
471
00:26:09,401 --> 00:26:12,436
Check it out, hey,
it's the fat and the furious.
472
00:26:21,513 --> 00:26:25,516
I didn't even wait, man.
473
00:26:25,650 --> 00:26:27,785
I got rid of that car, man.
474
00:26:27,919 --> 00:26:31,589
I traded it in and got
myself a big old SUV.
475
00:26:31,723 --> 00:26:33,390
It was nice for a while.
476
00:26:33,525 --> 00:26:37,595
This car freakin' sucked on mileage.
I got 11 miles to the gallon.
477
00:26:37,729 --> 00:26:39,396
Oh, you cannot be bad-ass in
a car
478
00:26:39,531 --> 00:26:41,732
that kills gas like I kill tacos,
you can't.
479
00:26:43,635 --> 00:26:45,869
You can't be at the stoplight
trying to intimidate other cars,
480
00:26:46,004 --> 00:26:47,137
What? What, what, what?
481
00:26:49,708 --> 00:26:51,141
Twenty bucks right there.
482
00:26:53,478 --> 00:26:55,079
Hell, no.
But it was kind of cool.
483
00:26:55,213 --> 00:26:57,715
It had a GPS navigational
system in it.
484
00:26:57,849 --> 00:26:59,683
An OnStar which is really cool.
485
00:26:59,818 --> 00:27:02,653
I'm driving , and all of a sudden
this girl's talking to me,
486
00:27:02,787 --> 00:27:04,855
Right turn, up ahead.
487
00:27:04,990 --> 00:27:06,991
Whoa.
488
00:27:07,125 --> 00:27:10,361
At three quarter tenth
of a mile, left turn.
489
00:27:10,495 --> 00:27:12,496
And I'm, like,
Whatever you say, baby.
490
00:27:14,432 --> 00:27:17,534
Being a big guy, I've noticed
that people feel compelled
491
00:27:17,669 --> 00:27:19,637
to tell me certain things
after shows.
492
00:27:19,771 --> 00:27:23,440
I get people that'll pull me aside and go,
Gabriel, you're a very funny guy,
493
00:27:23,575 --> 00:27:26,110
you're very talented,
don't you think, perhaps,
494
00:27:26,244 --> 00:27:28,912
you're living a little excess
in life?
495
00:27:29,047 --> 00:27:31,315
And I'm like, Well, I love to eat.
496
00:27:31,449 --> 00:27:33,117
Well, don't you want to live
to be a hundred?
497
00:27:33,251 --> 00:27:36,286
Well, not if I can't eat tacos.
498
00:27:36,421 --> 00:27:38,555
Or as many as I want.
499
00:27:38,690 --> 00:27:42,059
A lot of people think that just
because you work out and lift weights,
500
00:27:42,193 --> 00:27:44,795
and you eat right and you do
what people tell you to do,
501
00:27:44,929 --> 00:27:47,264
that you'll live a long life.
Maybe you will,
502
00:27:47,399 --> 00:27:50,167
but, you know, why do people
measure life by the years
503
00:27:50,301 --> 00:27:52,069
instead of how good the years were?
504
00:27:52,203 --> 00:27:54,571
I'll measure by freakin'..
you know what I mean?
505
00:27:58,910 --> 00:28:00,377
What good is it to live to be
a hundred
506
00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:01,745
but you didn't do anything?
507
00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:02,980
You didn't go out and kick it
with friends,
508
00:28:03,114 --> 00:28:04,314
go out and get drunk at some club
509
00:28:04,449 --> 00:28:05,783
and wake up in an alley at
one time?
510
00:28:05,917 --> 00:28:07,451
You know?
511
00:28:07,585 --> 00:28:10,354
What good is it?
You stayed in the house and you were safe.
512
00:28:10,488 --> 00:28:12,089
And I lived to be a hundred.
513
00:28:12,223 --> 00:28:13,657
You know, I don't know.
514
00:28:13,792 --> 00:28:16,627
That's why, I, um,
I have a very big amount of respect
515
00:28:16,761 --> 00:28:18,996
for the crocodile hunter,
rest in peace, but,
516
00:28:19,130 --> 00:28:24,334
come on, you guys, yeah,
he died at 44 years old, but,
517
00:28:24,469 --> 00:28:27,237
he died doing what he loves
to do.
518
00:28:27,372 --> 00:28:29,940
Not a lot of people can say that.
519
00:28:30,075 --> 00:28:32,342
If I die tomorrow from overeating,
hoo-hoo,
520
00:28:32,477 --> 00:28:35,312
God bless me, that's exactly
how it was supposed to be.
521
00:28:37,916 --> 00:28:39,683
You know how much adrenaline
he had?
522
00:28:39,818 --> 00:28:41,552
Every single day, risking his life,
523
00:28:41,686 --> 00:28:44,088
you know how you feel when
you're about to cross the street
524
00:28:44,222 --> 00:28:45,889
and a car..
525
00:28:46,024 --> 00:28:47,491
and your ass almost gets hit,
526
00:28:47,625 --> 00:28:51,662
and you're like..
Oh! Oh! Oh!
527
00:28:51,796 --> 00:28:55,199
Oh! and then you're hysterical.
528
00:28:55,333 --> 00:28:57,668
Oh, my God!
I almost died.
529
00:28:57,802 --> 00:29:00,771
Touch me. Touch me right here.
Oh, my..
530
00:29:00,905 --> 00:29:03,140
And the rest of the day,
you appreciate life,
531
00:29:03,274 --> 00:29:05,676
looking at the birds or the sky,
532
00:29:05,810 --> 00:29:08,078
You're loving life.
533
00:29:08,213 --> 00:29:10,114
He did that every day.
534
00:29:10,248 --> 00:29:11,815
That's why every day I try to live
535
00:29:11,950 --> 00:29:14,885
just a little bit of my life like
I might not be here tomorrow.
536
00:29:15,019 --> 00:29:17,454
'Cause you never know.
I don't wanna die tomorrow
537
00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:19,890
knowing I coulda had a piece
of cake tonight.
538
00:29:25,196 --> 00:29:26,830
Sure. That's why people tell me
539
00:29:26,965 --> 00:29:29,066
Why don't you work out?
Why don't you lift weights?
540
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:30,467
What if I'm gonna die tomorrow?
541
00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:33,570
I don't want to die sore.
542
00:29:33,705 --> 00:29:35,272
I wanna die full.
543
00:29:35,406 --> 00:29:36,774
When the coroner cuts me up,
544
00:29:36,908 --> 00:29:39,543
I want the whole room to
smell like potato wedges.
545
00:29:41,379 --> 00:29:44,448
And he's gonna go,
This guy knew how to live, right here, man.
546
00:29:44,582 --> 00:29:46,750
Good times.
But again, the crocodile hunter,
547
00:29:46,885 --> 00:29:49,419
I give him a lot of love,
a lot of credit but people go,
548
00:29:49,554 --> 00:29:52,689
It's such a loss to
the nature community,
549
00:29:52,824 --> 00:29:56,527
you know, he taught us so
much about nature.
550
00:29:56,661 --> 00:29:58,529
And I got mad when I heard
this lady on TV
551
00:29:58,663 --> 00:30:00,397
saying that he taught us a
lot about nature
552
00:30:00,532 --> 00:30:03,267
and it was, like, No, he didn't
really teach a lot about nature,
553
00:30:03,401 --> 00:30:07,304
if you want to learn about nature,
you watch Discovery channel
554
00:30:07,438 --> 00:30:10,307
or one of these nature programs
where they have a guy on safari
555
00:30:10,441 --> 00:30:11,675
and he's studying from afar.
556
00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:13,911
Crocodile hunter, no.
Come on, every episode,
557
00:30:14,045 --> 00:30:16,146
Hey, how you doin'?
558
00:30:16,281 --> 00:30:18,549
Look over there, right there.
559
00:30:18,683 --> 00:30:20,818
It's a "toiger."
560
00:30:20,952 --> 00:30:25,255
That toiger weighs 800 pounds and
it could kill a man in 10 seconds.
561
00:30:25,390 --> 00:30:26,323
I'm gonna touch it.
562
00:30:34,566 --> 00:30:35,499
Hi, tiger.
563
00:30:36,701 --> 00:30:40,037
Ow, he's angry!
He's angry.
564
00:30:40,171 --> 00:30:42,506
Next episode, There's a king cobra,
565
00:30:42,640 --> 00:30:44,775
the most venomous snake in
all the planet.
566
00:30:44,909 --> 00:30:47,578
One "boite" and I'm dead.
567
00:30:47,712 --> 00:30:48,745
I'm gonna pick it up.
568
00:30:51,082 --> 00:30:53,617
He's angry!
569
00:30:53,751 --> 00:30:56,520
If he really wanted people to
think he was out there, man,
570
00:30:56,654 --> 00:30:59,156
America, we should've borrowed him,
571
00:30:59,290 --> 00:31:01,625
and sent him to Iraq.
572
00:31:01,759 --> 00:31:04,494
With no gun, just a camera crew.
674
00:31:04,629 --> 00 :31:07,431
Do you imagine how bad that
woulda freaked out the enemy?
573
00:31:07,565 --> 00:31:10,300
You're a freakin' soldier working for
Al-Qaeda and you're out there, you know,
574
00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:18,709
And he's walking toward him
wearing shorts,
575
00:31:21,212 --> 00:31:22,679
Crikey!
576
00:31:22,814 --> 00:31:24,982
What is crikey?
What the hell is crikey?
577
00:31:25,116 --> 00:31:28,719
And he's walking up to him, Hey!
Look over there,
578
00:31:28,853 --> 00:31:31,421
It's an Al-Qaeda member.
579
00:31:31,556 --> 00:31:32,990
An Iraqi soldier,
580
00:31:33,124 --> 00:31:35,792
one of the most dangerous
creatures in all the planet.
581
00:31:35,927 --> 00:31:39,296
One push of a button and I'm gone!
582
00:31:39,430 --> 00:31:41,565
I'm gonna poke him with a stick.
583
00:31:53,311 --> 00:31:54,811
He's angry!
584
00:31:56,381 --> 00:31:58,882
I think he's still angry.
585
00:31:59,017 --> 00:32:03,687
Yeah, man , this country,
I love living here in the United States.
586
00:32:03,821 --> 00:32:05,989
I can't think of anywhere
else I'd want to live.
587
00:32:06,124 --> 00:32:08,058
Some people say,
Well, you're Mexican.
588
00:32:08,192 --> 00:32:10,193
Wouldn't you rather live in Mexico?
589
00:32:11,663 --> 00:32:13,230
Uh...
590
00:32:13,364 --> 00:32:18,101
I love Mexico, just visiting,
just visiting.
591
00:32:18,236 --> 00:32:19,870
I like it right here.
592
00:32:20,004 --> 00:32:21,905
That's why it kind of bothers
me whenever people go,
593
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:24,074
What is it like being a Latino comedian?
594
00:32:24,208 --> 00:32:28,178
I go, I don't know, I'm a
comedian who happens to be Latino.
595
00:32:28,313 --> 00:32:30,280
What's the difference?
596
00:32:30,415 --> 00:32:34,985
The difference is my special will air
on Comedy Central, not Telemundo.
597
00:32:42,727 --> 00:32:44,695
It's hard, you guys, you know.
598
00:32:44,829 --> 00:32:47,064
("Spanish.")
599
00:32:47,198 --> 00:32:48,999
You speak a little Spanish,
it freaks people out.
600
00:32:49,133 --> 00:32:51,301
Oh my God, he's speaking Spanish.
601
00:32:51,436 --> 00:32:54,638
Don't get me wrong, I like
watching Spanish programming myself.
602
00:32:54,772 --> 00:32:56,139
Some of the stuff is really cool.
603
00:32:56,274 --> 00:32:58,141
My favorite thing are the commercials
604
00:32:58,276 --> 00:32:59,943
because they're always about sex.
605
00:33:00,078 --> 00:33:01,745
You don't even know what the
product is
606
00:33:01,879 --> 00:33:03,280
until like the last two seconds.
607
00:33:03,414 --> 00:33:05,649
It's always some model
walking out all sexy,
608
00:33:11,022 --> 00:33:12,489
Hola.
609
00:33:15,727 --> 00:33:18,562
("Oh, how rich.")
610
00:33:19,831 --> 00:33:21,665
And on the 28th second,
611
00:33:24,168 --> 00:33:25,702
Pepsi.
612
00:33:31,976 --> 00:33:34,945
And you're sitting there, going,
I gotta go get a Pepsi.
613
00:33:35,079 --> 00:33:39,182
Oh ho yeah!
Oh my God!
614
00:33:39,317 --> 00:33:41,985
I have a thing for soda,
I love it, man.
615
00:33:42,120 --> 00:33:43,353
I know they gave me water but..
616
00:33:43,488 --> 00:33:45,555
Oh, a soda!
617
00:33:45,690 --> 00:33:47,524
I didn't even see that right there.
618
00:33:47,658 --> 00:33:49,559
Excuse me, un momento.
619
00:33:50,695 --> 00:33:51,628
Pepsi.
620
00:33:54,399 --> 00:33:57,968
No, that's actually diet,
which is cool.
621
00:33:58,102 --> 00:34:00,037
I'm not on a diet,
and it's funny because people go,
622
00:34:00,171 --> 00:34:01,772
Why then do you drink diet soda?
623
00:34:01,906 --> 00:34:06,643
So I can eat regular cake.
624
00:34:06,778 --> 00:34:09,146
I love cake, man, are you kidding?
625
00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:13,050
By the way, I wanna thank the three
people who brought me a cake personally.
626
00:34:13,184 --> 00:34:14,818
I have them in the back.
I really appreciate it.
627
00:34:14,952 --> 00:34:16,520
That was very nice of you.
628
00:34:16,654 --> 00:34:18,622
The management and the promoters
are freaking out there, like,
629
00:34:18,756 --> 00:34:21,658
Gabriel, why do they
all bring you cake?
630
00:34:21,793 --> 00:34:25,362
I go, Because on TV I talked about
one time how much I love cake.
631
00:34:25,496 --> 00:34:26,830
And so people bring it.
632
00:34:26,964 --> 00:34:28,432
My friend Mondo got mad,
He's, like,
633
00:34:28,566 --> 00:34:33,336
Why don't you talk about hookers?
634
00:34:33,471 --> 00:34:35,572
Somebody asked me earlier too,
they said, Gabriel,
635
00:34:35,706 --> 00:34:38,375
when you get to do your special, are
you gonna do anything about the country,
636
00:34:38,509 --> 00:34:40,143
are you gonna talk about politics?
637
00:34:40,278 --> 00:34:42,179
Well, I'm gonna talk first of all
about how I love this country,
638
00:34:42,313 --> 00:34:44,147
and I wouldn't want to live
anywhere else.
639
00:34:44,282 --> 00:34:47,050
I know that half the world right now
thinks that our leader is the Devil
640
00:34:47,185 --> 00:34:48,552
and most of us would agree.
641
00:34:49,754 --> 00:34:52,389
He's not.. yeah.
642
00:34:52,523 --> 00:34:54,724
I don't have to make fun of
the president.
643
00:34:54,859 --> 00:34:56,193
He does it by himself.
644
00:34:56,327 --> 00:34:57,394
Okay?
645
00:34:58,796 --> 00:35:01,832
He does it by himself.
646
00:35:01,966 --> 00:35:05,569
Every time he comes on TV, I can't
wait to hear what he has to say.
647
00:35:05,703 --> 00:35:07,671
Especially during press conferences,
648
00:35:07,805 --> 00:35:10,340
Mr. President. Question.
649
00:35:10,475 --> 00:35:14,878
It's been over a year.
What is your plan for Katrina?
650
00:35:15,012 --> 00:35:17,514
Ha! We're gonna find her.
651
00:35:18,983 --> 00:35:20,150
That's right.
652
00:35:20,284 --> 00:35:22,586
And we're gonna bring Katrina
to justice.
653
00:35:22,720 --> 00:35:27,557
We have every reason to believe
Katrina is connected to Al-Qaeda.
654
00:35:27,692 --> 00:35:31,528
Qaeda, Katrina, they both
start with a "K."
655
00:35:31,662 --> 00:35:34,698
Our president got elected.
I didn't vote for him,
656
00:35:34,832 --> 00:35:37,134
but then again, I didn't vote
for the other guy either.
657
00:35:37,268 --> 00:35:38,668
I was just, like...
658
00:35:38,803 --> 00:35:40,337
How Bush won is beyond me.
659
00:35:40,471 --> 00:35:43,607
Americans, we love to vote but
we don't vote for Presidents.
660
00:35:43,741 --> 00:35:47,911
We vote for things like
American Idol.
661
00:35:48,045 --> 00:35:50,747
Because that's fun.
Voting for presidents is not fun.
662
00:35:50,882 --> 00:35:55,051
Voting for American..
Shebang! Shebang!
663
00:35:55,186 --> 00:35:57,420
That's what they should do for presidents.
664
00:35:57,555 --> 00:35:59,489
Just put both guys on TV for
one hour,
665
00:35:59,624 --> 00:36:04,027
call it something catchy like
"Who's Gonna Run This Bitch?"
666
00:36:04,162 --> 00:36:07,164
You put 'em on TV for an hour,
let 'em argue 30 minutes into the special,
667
00:36:07,298 --> 00:36:10,534
you put an 800 number on the screen,
and say "Cast Your Vote."
668
00:36:10,668 --> 00:36:14,671
You've reached the presidential hotline.
669
00:36:14,805 --> 00:36:16,573
For George Bush, press three.
670
00:36:16,707 --> 00:36:18,275
John Kerry, press four.
671
00:36:18,409 --> 00:36:20,010
Other options, press five.
672
00:36:20,144 --> 00:36:22,012
You don't like either one?
Press five.
673
00:36:22,146 --> 00:36:23,680
Please hold.
674
00:36:34,025 --> 00:36:36,860
I knew you'd be back.
675
00:36:44,001 --> 00:36:47,070
That's right.
You know you miss your daddy.
676
00:36:52,710 --> 00:36:56,546
Oh, yeah. I'm such a dork.
I don't care.
677
00:36:56,681 --> 00:36:57,914
But I have fun though.
678
00:36:58,049 --> 00:37:00,050
One thing you guys definitely
made possible
679
00:37:00,184 --> 00:37:02,986
is I have the ability now to
travel and I never did that.
680
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:05,155
I never used to travel until
I became a comedian.
681
00:37:05,289 --> 00:37:07,691
I'm, like, Oh my God , there's
a whole other world out there.
682
00:37:07,825 --> 00:37:09,626
When I was hanging out in Florida,
683
00:37:09,760 --> 00:37:12,963
I got a chance to experience an amusement
park that was a little different.
684
00:37:13,097 --> 00:37:17,100
It was an alternative park
called Gatorland.
685
00:37:17,235 --> 00:37:19,169
It's a real park,
and I've met the owners
686
00:37:19,303 --> 00:37:21,504
and they're really cool people
but I gotta tell you:
687
00:37:21,639 --> 00:37:23,240
best part about this amusement park
688
00:37:23,374 --> 00:37:26,309
is they have a recording the
funniest thing I've ever heard.
689
00:37:26,444 --> 00:37:28,011
You call this park,
this is what you hear.
690
00:37:28,145 --> 00:37:31,414
Yeehaw!
691
00:37:31,549 --> 00:37:34,918
You've reached Gatorland,
America's premier gator extravaganza.
692
00:37:35,052 --> 00:37:38,154
You've seen 'em on TV, now come
and see 'em live. Gatorland.
693
00:37:38,289 --> 00:37:40,423
You're gonna love this park.
694
00:37:40,558 --> 00:37:41,858
Then he says this:
695
00:37:41,993 --> 00:37:43,893
Fer Spanish, press two.
696
00:37:45,096 --> 00:37:48,531
Oh . I gotta hear this.
697
00:37:48,666 --> 00:37:52,469
I don't speak Spanish but
you're gonna love this park.
698
00:37:57,642 --> 00:38:00,844
I was dyin'!
I called him like ten times.
699
00:38:00,978 --> 00:38:02,879
Aw, it's the best.
700
00:38:03,014 --> 00:38:06,016
I'm starting to sweat a little bit, huh.
Too sexy, arrr.
701
00:38:06,150 --> 00:38:08,318
I don't care though,
I have a lot of fun, you guys.
702
00:38:08,452 --> 00:38:10,353
You guys have made a lot of
things possible.
703
00:38:10,488 --> 00:38:12,489
At the beginning,
when I first started,
704
00:38:12,623 --> 00:38:15,325
coming here to Bakersfield,
to the Fox Theater,
705
00:38:15,459 --> 00:38:18,128
I used to go to this taco place,
706
00:38:18,262 --> 00:38:19,596
up the way called Taco Loco..
707
00:38:23,200 --> 00:38:26,169
And it's still there.
708
00:38:26,304 --> 00:38:29,139
I love food on wheels, you know.
709
00:38:29,273 --> 00:38:31,174
But this taco place has taken
it to the next level.
710
00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:32,842
They're really really good there,
711
00:38:32,977 --> 00:38:35,078
they're not paying me nothing,
I'm just talking about 'em ,
712
00:38:35,212 --> 00:38:37,681
but I go to order and these
guys were kinda, you know..
713
00:38:37,815 --> 00:38:39,616
the girls were cool but the
guys were mean.
714
00:38:39,750 --> 00:38:41,451
I try to order some food,
I'm like..
715
00:38:41,585 --> 00:38:42,986
Hello?
716
00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:45,522
And the guy is like,
("What happened,") gordo wha' you want?
717
00:38:45,656 --> 00:38:47,123
Wha' you want??
718
00:38:47,258 --> 00:38:49,092
Oh, hey, dude, can I get two tacos,
chicken and a Coke?
719
00:38:49,226 --> 00:38:50,994
Okay. What else?
720
00:38:53,497 --> 00:38:54,431
That's it.
721
00:38:54,565 --> 00:38:55,565
Tsk, awww.
722
00:39:03,441 --> 00:39:05,408
Whatever, dude.
723
00:39:05,543 --> 00:39:06,976
But we had a lot of fun.
724
00:39:07,111 --> 00:39:08,611
We got to promote on a lot of
different radio stations
725
00:39:08,746 --> 00:39:10,980
here in town to get the word
out to you guys about the show.
726
00:39:11,115 --> 00:39:14,184
They try to get me set up
on the Spanish radio stations
727
00:39:14,318 --> 00:39:16,953
and I've done that in the past
728
00:39:17,088 --> 00:39:18,288
and it was okay.
729
00:39:18,422 --> 00:39:20,156
But the last few times
I had to say no
730
00:39:20,291 --> 00:39:24,060
because they put me on the radio
with a guy who's like "from" Mexico.
731
00:39:24,195 --> 00:39:25,729
And I can speak Spanish
732
00:39:25,863 --> 00:39:29,332
but you put me up against somebody
from the Motherland, hoo!
733
00:39:29,467 --> 00:39:32,502
I walk in the studio,
I'm dealing with this one guy, right?
734
00:39:32,636 --> 00:39:33,970
We go on the air and he's like
735
00:39:34,105 --> 00:39:36,072
(Spanish)
736
00:39:38,943 --> 00:39:40,844
("What happened! What happened!
What happened!")
737
00:39:40,978 --> 00:39:44,547
I meet that same guy in the hallway,
738
00:39:44,682 --> 00:39:46,883
he sounded just like that.
739
00:39:47,017 --> 00:39:47,951
Oh, hey, how's it goin'?
740
00:39:48,085 --> 00:39:49,252
("What happened?!")
741
00:39:51,322 --> 00:39:52,188
Are we on the air?
742
00:39:52,323 --> 00:39:54,924
No!!
743
00:39:55,059 --> 00:39:56,226
Why are you talking like that?
744
00:39:56,360 --> 00:39:57,994
("Because if!!")
745
00:39:58,129 --> 00:40:00,029
And I freaked out 'cause you
imagine this guy
746
00:40:00,164 --> 00:40:02,332
goes home talking like that
to his wife and his kids?
747
00:40:02,466 --> 00:40:04,100
Come two, three o'clock
in the morning,
748
00:40:04,235 --> 00:40:06,269
his wife maybe wants to do a
little "something"
749
00:40:06,404 --> 00:40:08,138
and she tells her man,
Honey, tonight,
750
00:40:08,272 --> 00:40:10,206
when the kids are sleeping,
what are you going to do to me?
751
00:40:10,341 --> 00:40:11,674
("What will you do me?")
752
00:40:15,913 --> 00:40:20,016
("Take off your shorts
to see that cuuulote!")
753
00:40:20,151 --> 00:40:26,356
Si. Si. Si. Si.
754
00:40:26,490 --> 00:40:29,959
("It is presented by Pepsi!")
Sì...
755
00:40:34,231 --> 00:40:38,101
I know somebody who doesn't speak Spanish
is gonna go home and try it tonight.
756
00:40:38,235 --> 00:40:39,636
Sì.
757
00:40:39,770 --> 00:40:42,572
You better stop that.
758
00:40:42,706 --> 00:40:46,709
Sì...
759
00:40:46,844 --> 00:40:50,480
Just have a little fun.
760
00:40:50,614 --> 00:40:53,550
Like I said , you guys, I wasn't
sure what was gonna happen.
761
00:40:53,684 --> 00:40:56,152
A lot of things have been
happening over the years.
762
00:40:56,287 --> 00:40:58,087
This past year I had the opportunity
763
00:40:58,222 --> 00:41:01,724
to be on a reality show and things
kind of worked out a little weird.
764
00:41:01,859 --> 00:41:05,195
Well , but hey, all I can say
is the winner is the winner,
765
00:41:05,329 --> 00:41:07,464
and he did what he did,
and he got what he got.
766
00:41:07,598 --> 00:41:11,901
But hey, this ain't bad for
sixth place, is it? Huh?
767
00:41:15,906 --> 00:41:19,876
Yeah, I'm not the last comic standing,
768
00:41:20,010 --> 00:41:23,413
but I'm the only one with
a Comedy Central Special.
769
00:41:32,823 --> 00:41:34,390
I know my mom is here tonight.
770
00:41:34,525 --> 00:41:38,828
She's like.. (Spanish).
771
00:41:38,963 --> 00:41:41,498
I love my mom. She's over here,
you guys. Just say hi to her.
772
00:41:41,632 --> 00:41:42,599
Mom.
773
00:41:46,437 --> 00:41:49,839
Right there.
774
00:41:49,974 --> 00:41:53,276
That little woman made me.
775
00:41:53,410 --> 00:41:57,080
And she tells everybody,
No, he came out of here.
776
00:41:57,214 --> 00:42:03,486
Ay, hombre,
this is the road to success.
777
00:42:03,621 --> 00:42:05,822
She is not shy.
She cracks me up though, man.
778
00:42:05,956 --> 00:42:08,157
She likes what I do because
it's working,
779
00:42:08,292 --> 00:42:10,026
but she still doesn't get the jokes.
780
00:42:10,160 --> 00:42:11,661
It's not that she doesn't
speak English,
781
00:42:11,795 --> 00:42:13,129
'cause she speaks perfect English.
782
00:42:13,264 --> 00:42:15,131
She just doesn't see me as a comedian.
783
00:42:15,266 --> 00:42:17,100
She sees me as her son.
784
00:42:17,234 --> 00:42:20,370
I can't tell her a joke 'cause
then she questions it and kills it.
785
00:42:20,504 --> 00:42:23,573
I could tell her something, like,
Mom, why did the chicken cross the road?
786
00:42:23,707 --> 00:42:26,776
And I'll get, Who let out the chicken?
787
00:42:31,181 --> 00:42:32,782
It's a joke.
788
00:42:32,917 --> 00:42:35,518
It's no joke, baboso, you know
how much I pay for those chickens?
789
00:42:40,457 --> 00:42:41,457
Never mind.
790
00:42:41,592 --> 00:42:43,293
No, you never mind.
791
00:42:43,427 --> 00:42:45,828
It's cool, though, man.
792
00:42:45,963 --> 00:42:47,730
She's seen me do a lot of things.
793
00:42:47,865 --> 00:42:50,934
A lot of people say, well you gave
your mom a shot, what about your dad?
794
00:42:51,068 --> 00:42:52,468
Well, he's not in the picture.
795
00:42:52,603 --> 00:42:55,138
My father, um, ha,
796
00:42:55,272 --> 00:42:58,775
let's put some beans out there,
my father was a Mariachi.
797
00:42:58,909 --> 00:43:02,011
Way.. I swear to God.. he was one
of those straight-up you know,
798
00:43:04,281 --> 00:43:08,051
And my mom hooked up with him
about 30-plus years ago one night,
799
00:43:08,185 --> 00:43:11,087
and nine months later, tan-tan,
and I came out..
800
00:43:14,091 --> 00:43:15,858
So I have a vague memory of
my father.
801
00:43:15,993 --> 00:43:18,328
I knew him until
I was about maybe four years old.
802
00:43:18,462 --> 00:43:20,763
And then apparently they got
the band back together
803
00:43:20,898 --> 00:43:21,831
and he took off.
804
00:43:24,568 --> 00:43:26,769
I don't remember exactly
what he looks like,
805
00:43:26,904 --> 00:43:28,738
and sometimes I'll take my mom
out to dinner
806
00:43:28,872 --> 00:43:33,743
and I'll go, Mom, I don't mean to bug
you about this, what does he look like?
807
00:43:33,877 --> 00:43:36,312
Do you have any photos I can
get and idea and stuff?
808
00:43:36,447 --> 00:43:38,548
And my mom, she's funny,
she grabs a hot sauce.
809
00:43:38,682 --> 00:43:40,617
He looks like that.
810
00:43:46,457 --> 00:43:50,693
That's funny, ("true?")
("That is funny, right?")
811
00:43:50,828 --> 00:43:53,329
He look just like that.
812
00:43:53,464 --> 00:43:55,164
For those of you that don't know,
813
00:43:55,299 --> 00:43:59,569
there's a picture of a Mariachi
on the bottle of hot sauce.
814
00:43:59,703 --> 00:44:02,305
So, yeah, we're doing okay.
815
00:44:02,439 --> 00:44:04,741
Somebody asked me, they say,
Well, on your first special
816
00:44:04,875 --> 00:44:06,976
that you got to do, you kept
talking about this guy,
817
00:44:07,111 --> 00:44:08,845
this friend of yours named Felipe.
818
00:44:08,979 --> 00:44:10,780
Is he a real person?
819
00:44:10,914 --> 00:44:12,749
He is a real person.
820
00:44:12,883 --> 00:44:16,619
And he's an old friend.
Known him forever.
821
00:44:16,754 --> 00:44:20,356
But he's one of these comedians who
doesn't know when to stop being funny.
822
00:44:20,491 --> 00:44:23,159
And that's why it's hard sometimes
to hang out with the guy,
823
00:44:23,293 --> 00:44:25,161
'cause you know,
I know when to quit.
824
00:44:25,295 --> 00:44:30,700
Especially around cops,
when I hear.. the joke is over.
825
00:44:30,834 --> 00:44:33,903
If I hear... you get an apology.
826
00:44:34,038 --> 00:44:36,072
My friend didn't know
when to draw the line
827
00:44:36,206 --> 00:44:39,008
and we were hanging out one day and
sure enough a freakin' cop got mad,
828
00:44:39,143 --> 00:44:41,244
Oh, you think it's real funny, huh?
829
00:44:41,378 --> 00:44:44,180
You think it's easy to be a police officer?
You see that scar?
830
00:44:44,314 --> 00:44:46,049
I got stabbed in '92.
831
00:44:46,183 --> 00:44:47,950
See that?
Bullet wound, '96.
832
00:44:48,085 --> 00:44:49,452
What do you got to say about that?
833
00:44:49,586 --> 00:44:51,187
And I was, like, I have nothin'
to say about that.
834
00:44:51,321 --> 00:44:53,122
And my friend, Felipe,
is, like, Oh, yeah?
835
00:44:53,257 --> 00:44:54,357
What are you doin'?
836
00:44:54,491 --> 00:44:55,625
Fool, watch this.
837
00:44:55,759 --> 00:44:57,660
What are you doin'?
838
00:44:57,795 --> 00:45:00,196
He grabs my shirt, pulls it up,
tells the cop,
839
00:45:00,330 --> 00:45:03,466
Fool, you see those stretch marks?
840
00:45:03,600 --> 00:45:05,702
Doughnuts, 1996.
841
00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:11,541
I said , Dude,
he's gonna kill us.
842
00:45:11,675 --> 00:45:15,144
I know, fool, but it was funny, huh?
843
00:45:15,279 --> 00:45:17,780
And speaking of that, I get
pulled over by a cop one night,
844
00:45:17,915 --> 00:45:21,918
two minutes after coming out of
a Krispy Kreme drive-thru. Alright?
845
00:45:22,052 --> 00:45:24,754
Don't get ahead of me, watch, I made
a left turn instead of making a right
846
00:45:24,888 --> 00:45:25,988
but I wasn't paying attention
847
00:45:26,123 --> 00:45:27,623
'cause I had a box, I was, like,
848
00:45:27,758 --> 00:45:30,593
Oh, you're gonna get
it when you get home!
849
00:45:30,728 --> 00:45:32,962
Oh, you've been so bad.
850
00:45:33,097 --> 00:45:36,232
So.. you're gonna get it.
851
00:45:36,366 --> 00:45:39,102
I'm not paying attention,
I go the wrong way, right?
852
00:45:41,305 --> 00:45:42,872
Sure enough..
853
00:45:43,006 --> 00:45:44,040
Ohhh!
854
00:45:44,174 --> 00:45:46,209
I pull over.
855
00:45:46,343 --> 00:45:48,845
Mm.
856
00:45:48,979 --> 00:45:51,414
Later.
857
00:45:53,851 --> 00:45:57,153
I'm sitting there patiently waiting
and the cop is taking forever.
858
00:45:57,287 --> 00:45:59,689
I said, The hell with this,
he's taking too long.
859
00:45:59,823 --> 00:46:01,657
I grab my box,
I put it on my lap,
860
00:46:01,792 --> 00:46:04,527
I flipped it open, right?
And..
861
00:46:11,268 --> 00:46:13,970
Oh, I was gonna get nasty.
862
00:46:14,104 --> 00:46:15,805
And just as I was about to
tear it up,
863
00:46:15,939 --> 00:46:18,174
the cop gets to the window
and says the same thing
864
00:46:18,308 --> 00:46:19,609
that they all say, right?
865
00:46:19,743 --> 00:46:21,577
You know why I stopped you?
866
00:46:21,712 --> 00:46:23,012
It was too easy.
867
00:46:23,147 --> 00:46:24,447
I looked at him and I said,
868
00:46:24,581 --> 00:46:26,149
'Cause you can smell it.
869
00:46:34,958 --> 00:46:39,128
Oh, he was dying, Son of a bitch!
870
00:46:39,263 --> 00:46:42,732
Whatever, he let me go, man.
871
00:46:42,866 --> 00:46:44,133
So you just gotta be careful.
872
00:46:44,268 --> 00:46:47,336
If you can make a cop laugh,
you got a chance.
873
00:46:47,471 --> 00:46:50,206
This past year,
I got to experience something else.
874
00:46:50,340 --> 00:46:52,975
I experienced my first Raider game.
875
00:46:58,515 --> 00:47:02,018
Now, uh..
876
00:47:02,152 --> 00:47:04,120
hey, listen you guys,
877
00:47:04,254 --> 00:47:07,023
it takes a lot of nerve
for me to say
878
00:47:07,157 --> 00:47:11,093
that after the season
that happened last year
879
00:47:11,228 --> 00:47:14,463
that I'm a fan.
And I became a fan last year.
880
00:47:18,202 --> 00:47:20,002
You can hate it if you want,
but you know what?
881
00:47:20,137 --> 00:47:21,938
Not only did I become a fan,
882
00:47:22,072 --> 00:47:24,207
I did a show in Oakland.
883
00:47:24,341 --> 00:47:28,110
And I made a couple of jokes
and references about the team.
884
00:47:28,245 --> 00:47:31,547
And apparently there were two
players in the audience.
885
00:47:31,682 --> 00:47:34,150
I didn't know that.
886
00:47:34,284 --> 00:47:39,522
Maybe that's why they lost.
They shoulda been at home, practicing.
887
00:47:39,656 --> 00:47:41,624
But there were two there.
888
00:47:41,758 --> 00:47:43,426
And they confronted me outside.
889
00:47:43,560 --> 00:47:46,562
They were big guys like so,
You got a problem with the Raiders, son?
890
00:47:46,697 --> 00:47:49,398
I'm, like,
891
00:47:49,533 --> 00:47:51,701
They grabbed me, picked me up,
892
00:47:51,835 --> 00:47:53,903
and pinned me against the wall.
893
00:47:54,037 --> 00:47:56,005
Oh, my God.
894
00:47:56,139 --> 00:47:58,174
Luckily, they fumbled me and
I got away.
895
00:48:12,256 --> 00:48:14,323
And people go, How do you come
up with your material, Gabriel?
896
00:48:14,458 --> 00:48:16,559
How do you come up with the
things you're gonna say?
897
00:48:16,693 --> 00:48:20,763
Things happen to me and then
instead of just going to a shrink,
898
00:48:20,898 --> 00:48:22,365
I suck it up and I come up here
899
00:48:22,499 --> 00:48:25,234
like when I did the joke about
the freakin' Volkswagen,
900
00:48:25,369 --> 00:48:28,537
I really used to own a Volkswagen.
901
00:48:28,672 --> 00:48:30,907
I didn't just go,
Let me see if this is funny.
902
00:48:31,041 --> 00:48:33,709
I had a Volkswagen.
903
00:48:33,844 --> 00:48:35,111
No, I lived it.
904
00:48:35,245 --> 00:48:36,312
People go, Why do you wear
Hawaiian shirts?
905
00:48:36,446 --> 00:48:37,880
I've always worn Hawaiian shirts.
906
00:48:38,015 --> 00:48:39,215
Bottom line is simple.
907
00:48:39,349 --> 00:48:40,283
Why do I wear 'em?
908
00:48:40,417 --> 00:48:43,219
'Cause they fit.
909
00:48:43,353 --> 00:48:44,954
They're colorful, and I'm sorry..
910
00:48:45,088 --> 00:48:47,990
When you wear a Hawaiian shirt
and you're living in the ghetto,
911
00:48:48,125 --> 00:48:50,293
people don't think you're up
to no good.
912
00:48:50,427 --> 00:48:52,495
You're not a gang member
wearing a Hawaiian shirt.
913
00:48:52,629 --> 00:48:54,964
Nobody's gonna take you serious,
you know?
914
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:56,732
Where you from?
915
00:48:56,867 --> 00:48:59,135
Oh, Honolulu, eh.
916
00:49:01,705 --> 00:49:06,575
You can't be hard and colorful.
Uh-uh.
917
00:49:09,279 --> 00:49:10,413
No way, man.
918
00:49:10,547 --> 00:49:12,248
And believe me,
I've had my encounters.
919
00:49:12,382 --> 00:49:13,983
I had a little encounter
one time on a plane.
920
00:49:14,117 --> 00:49:15,718
Some guy was getting a little weird,
921
00:49:15,852 --> 00:49:17,553
and I'm like, Uh-uh,
no more for me.
922
00:49:17,688 --> 00:49:20,790
Every time I get on a plane,
there's always drama. Always.
923
00:49:20,924 --> 00:49:26,696
One time I'm flying to Florida and
our plane got hit by lightning. Uh-huh.
924
00:49:26,830 --> 00:49:30,299
The plane drops 600 feet
straight down .
925
00:49:30,434 --> 00:49:33,669
That was better than any ride
you've ever been on.
926
00:49:33,804 --> 00:49:35,638
I don't care who you are,
927
00:49:35,772 --> 00:49:38,240
you could've been freakin'
doin' 20 years in prison,
928
00:49:38,375 --> 00:49:40,309
you killed a hundred people,
929
00:49:40,444 --> 00:49:42,578
you can be the baddest toughest
dude ever.
930
00:49:42,713 --> 00:49:45,815
When you're in a plane and it
just drops out of the sky,
931
00:49:45,949 --> 00:49:51,988
Woo!
I was gay for five seconds.
932
00:49:52,122 --> 00:49:56,926
I'm not gonna lie!
933
00:50:05,168 --> 00:50:07,970
Oh, I was a brokeback Mexican,
yes, I was.
934
00:50:13,643 --> 00:50:15,811
I was in touch with myself.
935
00:50:15,946 --> 00:50:19,215
It was funny, man.
936
00:50:19,349 --> 00:50:22,451
Before I go, I got one more
good story to tell you.
937
00:50:22,586 --> 00:50:24,387
I took a road trip about a
year ago
938
00:50:24,521 --> 00:50:26,422
after I got rid of the Beetle
939
00:50:26,556 --> 00:50:29,792
in the SUV.
Took a road trip from LA to Phoenix
940
00:50:29,926 --> 00:50:31,460
to go perform at this club.
941
00:50:31,595 --> 00:50:33,229
Let me tell you who was in
the car.
942
00:50:33,363 --> 00:50:36,032
I'm driving,
I got my buddy Armando riding shotgun.
943
00:50:36,166 --> 00:50:39,068
He's another Fluffy guy,
we call him Sexy Bitch.
944
00:50:39,202 --> 00:50:41,437
Well, I don't call him that,
his wife calls him that.
945
00:50:41,571 --> 00:50:43,773
He's a sexy bitch!
946
00:50:43,907 --> 00:50:46,242
Anyway, in the back seat
I got my friend, Martin.
947
00:50:46,376 --> 00:50:48,344
Next to him is my friend, Felipe.
948
00:50:48,478 --> 00:50:51,180
So we take off..
949
00:50:51,314 --> 00:50:54,583
we're on the 10 freeway,
we're passing all these Indian casinos..
950
00:50:57,521 --> 00:50:59,155
Sorry, we're stupid like that.
951
00:50:59,289 --> 00:51:02,358
Anyway, all of a sudden all
these cars start passing me.
952
00:51:04,761 --> 00:51:07,797
I'm getting annoyed 'cause I'm
driving a...
953
00:51:07,931 --> 00:51:10,566
I said, Next car that tries to
pass me, I'm not gonna let 'em.
954
00:51:10,700 --> 00:51:13,769
So I'm looking in the rear view mirror,
waiting, looking, waiting, waiting,
955
00:51:13,904 --> 00:51:16,038
and I see a silver dot.
The silver dot turned out to be
956
00:51:16,173 --> 00:51:19,408
a little car with two hoochies
in it.
957
00:51:19,543 --> 00:51:21,877
Some of you guys are going,
How do you know they're hoochies?
958
00:51:22,012 --> 00:51:24,547
'Cause my friend Martin was in
the back seat going,
959
00:51:24,681 --> 00:51:28,551
I feel a disturbance in the force.
960
00:51:28,685 --> 00:51:31,520
They try to go around and I
cut 'em off.
961
00:51:33,924 --> 00:51:36,492
I'm having fun,
they're back there...
962
00:51:36,626 --> 00:51:38,394
Whatever!
963
00:51:38,528 --> 00:51:40,996
My friend Felipe is in the
back seat yelling at me,
964
00:51:41,131 --> 00:51:42,698
Fool, what are you doing?
965
00:51:42,833 --> 00:51:44,300
Dude, don't worry, I'm having fun.
966
00:51:44,434 --> 00:51:45,634
Gabriel, you're gonna get
pulled over.
967
00:51:45,769 --> 00:51:46,969
Dude, I'm okay, it's cool.
968
00:51:47,104 --> 00:51:48,637
We're arguing, going back and forth,
969
00:51:48,772 --> 00:51:50,439
I'm not paying attention.
970
00:51:50,574 --> 00:51:54,076
I don't see a California highway
patrol officer creeping up on us.
971
00:51:54,211 --> 00:51:56,378
All of a sudden I hear...
972
00:51:56,513 --> 00:51:59,315
I look at the speedometer:
one oh two.
973
00:52:00,617 --> 00:52:01,750
Oh, I freaked out.
974
00:52:01,885 --> 00:52:04,520
I pulled over.
975
00:52:07,657 --> 00:52:10,392
The little car that was behind
me with the two hoochies,
976
00:52:10,527 --> 00:52:13,062
they got pulled over because
they were going just as fast,
977
00:52:15,799 --> 00:52:17,399
I'm in the front seat of my car,
freakin' out.
978
00:52:17,534 --> 00:52:19,368
Oh my God, I'm gonna go to jail.
979
00:52:19,503 --> 00:52:21,070
I'm on the verge of tears.
980
00:52:21,204 --> 00:52:23,539
From the back seat,
I hear my friend Felipe..
981
00:52:23,673 --> 00:52:26,041
Fool, what are you cryin' for?
982
00:52:26,176 --> 00:52:27,676
What are you cryin' for, fool?
983
00:52:27,811 --> 00:52:30,346
You're not the one with weed
in his pocket, are you?
984
00:52:35,552 --> 00:52:38,921
You have drugs in the car?
985
00:52:39,055 --> 00:52:42,191
I told you to slow down,
didn't I?
986
00:52:42,325 --> 00:52:47,363
But no! Picachu knows everything.
987
00:52:47,497 --> 00:52:50,232
Shoot!
Everybody roll down your windows.
988
00:52:50,367 --> 00:52:52,835
Air out the car. Mondo, fart.
Do something, man.
989
00:52:52,969 --> 00:52:54,270
The cop walks over to the window,
990
00:52:54,404 --> 00:52:57,840
looks in, sees my face,
recognizes me from TV,
991
00:52:57,974 --> 00:53:05,014
he's, like, Hey,
I know you, you're a comedian.
992
00:53:05,148 --> 00:53:07,249
Yeah, you're that guy from
Comedy Central .
993
00:53:07,384 --> 00:53:09,552
You're the guy that does that joke
about his friend at a hotel
994
00:53:09,686 --> 00:53:11,987
and you crank-call him and you
call him a dirty Mexican,
995
00:53:12,122 --> 00:53:14,023
and then you go
"But it was funny, huh?"
996
00:53:14,157 --> 00:53:16,325
Oh, I love that joke.
That one and when you go,
997
00:53:16,459 --> 00:53:18,460
Chocolate cake!
998
00:53:18,595 --> 00:53:20,029
Ohh, I love that joke!
999
00:53:20,163 --> 00:53:21,964
I hate to do this to you but
we got two cars involved.
1000
00:53:22,098 --> 00:53:23,866
I need your license and registration.
1001
00:53:24,000 --> 00:53:25,668
Okay, here you go.
Here you go.
1002
00:53:25,802 --> 00:53:28,904
So he takes my info, goes back to
the car with the two girls in it,
1003
00:53:29,039 --> 00:53:31,440
the whole time he's back there,
I tell everybody in the car,
1004
00:53:31,575 --> 00:53:33,842
Check it out!
He just recognized me from TV!
1005
00:53:33,977 --> 00:53:36,512
Maybe if we have some fun with him,
crack some jokes,
1006
00:53:36,646 --> 00:53:38,380
maybe he won't take the car.
1007
00:53:38,515 --> 00:53:40,382
I don't care if I get a ticket,
but as long as he doesn't take the car.
1008
00:53:40,517 --> 00:53:42,084
Mondo, be silly, crack a joke.
Martin, be funny.
1009
00:53:42,219 --> 00:53:43,752
Felipe.
What, fool?
1010
00:53:43,887 --> 00:53:45,854
Shut the hell up!
1011
00:53:45,989 --> 00:53:49,325
So the cop comes back to the car,
What the hell were you doing out there?
1012
00:53:49,459 --> 00:53:51,493
Before I could think of something
funny to say,
1013
00:53:51,628 --> 00:53:52,928
from the back seat I hear,
1014
00:53:53,063 --> 00:53:58,067
Fool, he was testing the suspension.
1015
00:53:58,201 --> 00:54:01,470
Oh, my God.
This pothead's gonna get me arrested.
1016
00:54:01,605 --> 00:54:03,372
Officer, I'm sorry,
that's my friend, Felipe,
1017
00:54:03,506 --> 00:54:04,907
that's the guy from the special,
1018
00:54:05,041 --> 00:54:06,742
the guy who says
"But it was funny, huh?"
1019
00:54:06,876 --> 00:54:08,911
He's just trying to get me in trouble.
I'm really sorry.
1020
00:54:09,045 --> 00:54:10,546
Whatever.
1021
00:54:10,680 --> 00:54:12,481
So he goes back to his squad
car with my driver's license,
1022
00:54:12,616 --> 00:54:14,516
and he's swiping it in a computer.
1023
00:54:14,651 --> 00:54:20,122
The whole time he's doing that, he's being
yelled at from the back seat of my car.
1024
00:54:20,257 --> 00:54:23,692
Hey, officer, thank
God you have a computer!
1025
00:54:23,827 --> 00:54:29,198
Last week we got stopped in Mexico,
that fool had a Rolodex.
1026
00:54:29,332 --> 00:54:32,434
The cop starts dying.
1027
00:54:32,569 --> 00:54:34,236
I go, Oh, we got him going,
we got him going.
1028
00:54:34,371 --> 00:54:36,171
I told my buddy Mondo,
Give me my CDs.
1029
00:54:36,306 --> 00:54:38,540
I take out my Bad Boys II soundtrack,
1030
00:54:38,675 --> 00:54:42,111
and I pop it in, track three
is the theme song to Cops.
1031
00:54:42,245 --> 00:54:45,281
I tell my friend, Felipe,
Tell me when the cop starts walking.
1032
00:54:45,415 --> 00:54:47,016
Okay, fool, here he comes.
1033
00:54:47,150 --> 00:54:51,387
I crank that song as loud as
I could.
1034
00:54:51,521 --> 00:54:58,627
Ha! Bad boys, what you, what you,
what you gonna do.
1035
00:55:04,634 --> 00:55:07,536
Best part, now the cop is
walking to the beat.
1036
00:55:14,244 --> 00:55:16,712
Even better than that,
the two hoochies in the car
1037
00:55:16,846 --> 00:55:19,081
can hear the music and they're
freakin' out.
1038
00:55:19,215 --> 00:55:24,453
They're, like, Oh my God,
we're gonna be on TV!
1039
00:55:24,587 --> 00:55:27,523
The cop goes to the girls,
gives them a ticket, lets them go.
1040
00:55:29,693 --> 00:55:33,429
Looks at our car and at this point,
we're halfway through the song,
1041
00:55:33,563 --> 00:55:36,398
we're, like,
1042
00:55:36,533 --> 00:55:38,400
♫ Police no give
Me no break ♫
1043
00:55:44,607 --> 00:55:49,278
Got our arms out the window
like a bunch of idiots.
1044
00:55:49,412 --> 00:55:51,714
The cop is in the middle
of the freeway, dying.
1045
00:55:53,216 --> 00:55:54,883
He walks over to the window
and he's like,
1046
00:55:55,018 --> 00:55:55,951
Shut it off!
1047
00:56:01,358 --> 00:56:02,858
Yes, sir.
1048
00:56:02,992 --> 00:56:05,961
Hands me my license and the registration,
and he tells me,
1049
00:56:06,096 --> 00:56:09,198
Gabriel, I want you to do me
a big favor,
1050
00:56:09,332 --> 00:56:11,934
I want you to keep this
tank under a hundred.
1051
00:56:12,068 --> 00:56:14,036
You think you can do that?
1052
00:56:14,170 --> 00:56:16,038
Uh-huh.
1053
00:56:16,172 --> 00:56:17,339
Do that for me,
1054
00:56:17,474 --> 00:56:18,941
keep on doing what you do,
1055
00:56:19,075 --> 00:56:20,843
and you have yourself a nice day.
1056
00:56:20,977 --> 00:56:23,312
But, but, that's it?
1057
00:56:23,446 --> 00:56:24,747
No ticket?
1058
00:56:24,881 --> 00:56:26,382
No ticket.
1059
00:56:26,516 --> 00:56:28,851
I don't know what possessed me
to look at this man
1060
00:56:28,985 --> 00:56:30,452
and go, Why?
1061
00:56:33,656 --> 00:56:36,125
How come the girls got a ticket?
1062
00:56:36,259 --> 00:56:37,893
And he tells me the coolest thing,
1063
00:56:38,027 --> 00:56:40,829
he says, 'Cause they couldn't
make me laugh.
1064
00:56:50,940 --> 00:56:52,574
Woo-whee!
1065
00:56:52,709 --> 00:56:54,343
You don't understand, Gabriel,
1066
00:56:54,477 --> 00:56:57,079
I've been on the force
now for 26 years.
1067
00:56:57,213 --> 00:57:01,850
This is hands-down the funniest damn
traffic stop I've ever been a part of.
1068
00:57:01,985 --> 00:57:04,953
Do you have any idea how hard
it is to give two sluts
1069
00:57:05,088 --> 00:57:08,490
a ticket while listening to Cops?
1070
00:57:08,625 --> 00:57:11,927
I damn near pissed myself I
was laughing so hard.
1071
00:57:12,061 --> 00:57:14,696
This is going in the books as
one of the funniest things
1072
00:57:14,831 --> 00:57:17,466
that ever happened to a police officer,
I swear to God.
1073
00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:18,834
The only story better than
this one
1074
00:57:18,968 --> 00:57:20,969
is a buddy of mine pulled over
some fat guy
1075
00:57:21,104 --> 00:57:22,404
that gave him doughnuts.
1076
00:57:34,484 --> 00:57:39,021
So he starts walking away,
and just as I'm about to start the car,
1077
00:57:43,426 --> 00:57:45,327
So does that mean I can keep
my weed?
1078
00:57:49,199 --> 00:57:50,599
I turn around to yell
at my friend ,
1079
00:57:50,733 --> 00:57:52,734
Too late, the cop is at the window,
1080
00:57:52,869 --> 00:57:55,103
You wanna run that by me again, son?
1081
00:57:55,238 --> 00:57:57,906
You heard what I said, fool.
1082
00:57:58,041 --> 00:57:59,975
Oh, you think this a big joke,
don't you?
1083
00:58:00,109 --> 00:58:02,344
You think that just because I
gave your buddy here a break,
1084
00:58:02,479 --> 00:58:03,879
I know who he is,
I like what he does,
1085
00:58:04,013 --> 00:58:05,747
I don't know you,
I don't like you.
1086
00:58:05,882 --> 00:58:08,083
Step out of the car.
1087
00:58:08,218 --> 00:58:10,319
I turn around and my friend
Felipe is, like,
1088
00:58:10,453 --> 00:58:14,189
Whooo. I am so scared.
1089
00:58:14,324 --> 00:58:17,693
And the cop pulls out his gun,
1090
00:58:17,827 --> 00:58:19,595
I'm freakin' out, Oh my God!
1091
00:58:19,729 --> 00:58:21,530
Back seat, my friend, Felipe:
1092
00:58:21,664 --> 00:58:26,335
Whooo. Whooo.
I am so scared.
1093
00:58:26,469 --> 00:58:28,904
Fool, he is good.
He is good.
1094
00:58:29,038 --> 00:58:31,173
Then he points it at him.
1095
00:58:31,307 --> 00:58:34,243
The look on my friend Felipe's face,
1096
00:58:34,377 --> 00:58:40,215
Priceless!
1097
00:58:40,350 --> 00:58:44,820
Are you serious?
Are you serious?
1098
00:58:44,954 --> 00:58:48,423
I'm a-go to jail?
1099
00:58:48,558 --> 00:58:49,992
The cop was like..
1100
00:58:50,126 --> 00:58:53,462
Nah, but that was funny, huh?
1101
00:58:56,866 --> 00:58:59,101
I love you, Bakersfield!
Thank you!
1102
01:01:01,024 --> 01:01:02,391
We're gonna bring
1103
01:01:02,525 --> 01:01:04,026
Gabriel back out to answer
some questions for you.
1104
01:01:04,160 --> 01:01:06,061
You guys wanna bring Gabriel
back out?
1105
01:01:10,566 --> 01:01:15,037
Ladies and gentlemen, coming
back to the stage, Gabriel Iglesias.
1106
01:01:22,078 --> 01:01:23,345
Thank you, Martin.
1107
01:01:23,479 --> 01:01:25,747
You pulled it off bro, congratulations.
1108
01:01:25,882 --> 01:01:29,317
I needed that the first time I..
well, never mind.
1109
01:01:29,452 --> 01:01:33,121
They want to ask you some
questions, uh,
1110
01:01:33,256 --> 01:01:34,690
Who we got first?
1111
01:01:34,824 --> 01:01:36,358
This is a little different
something we decided to do
1112
01:01:36,492 --> 01:01:40,362
because there's gonna be a DVD
release with special features
1113
01:01:40,496 --> 01:01:42,864
we figured why not,
sometimes people do things
1114
01:01:42,999 --> 01:01:45,467
and sometimes people
wanna know information
1115
01:01:45,601 --> 01:01:48,503
and rather than go on the Internet,
you can ask the source.
1116
01:01:48,638 --> 01:01:50,439
So, here's you guys' opportunity,
1117
01:01:50,573 --> 01:01:52,841
anything you guys wanna ask me,
go for it.
1118
01:01:52,975 --> 01:01:53,909
What's your name, homey?
1119
01:01:54,043 --> 01:01:55,243
My name is Danny.
1120
01:01:55,378 --> 01:01:56,545
Where you from?
1121
01:01:56,679 --> 01:01:58,313
Visalia, California.
1122
01:01:58,448 --> 01:01:59,815
Visalia in the house!
1123
01:01:59,949 --> 01:02:01,183
Go ahead, Danny.
1124
01:02:01,317 --> 01:02:03,385
This past summer I got on a rollercoaster,
1125
01:02:03,519 --> 01:02:05,287
when I sat down, it went click,
click, click.
1126
01:02:05,421 --> 01:02:07,022
How many'd you get?
1127
01:02:07,156 --> 01:02:10,726
Dude, I'm beyond clicks now.
I don't even get on.
1128
01:02:10,860 --> 01:02:13,295
Like six years ago, bro,
I could still go to Disneyland,
1129
01:02:13,429 --> 01:02:17,999
and lean on... Now, I'm older,
I hang out by the strollers.
1130
01:02:20,903 --> 01:02:22,404
What's your question, Patricia?
1131
01:02:22,538 --> 01:02:25,273
How does your family feel
about your success?
1132
01:02:25,408 --> 01:02:28,643
Um, some of the family thinks
that I'm doing pretty good.
1133
01:02:28,778 --> 01:02:31,446
My mom is happy 'cause she's
got a car and it's paid for.
1134
01:02:33,416 --> 01:02:35,250
There are some members of the family
that think I've gone Hollywood,
1135
01:02:35,384 --> 01:02:37,385
and I'm like, Okay.
1136
01:02:37,520 --> 01:02:39,187
Some of the family members
are really cool about it,
1137
01:02:39,322 --> 01:02:41,790
and some are just kinda you
know, hmmm.
1138
01:02:41,924 --> 01:02:44,226
I love them all, but, you know,
hey, whatever.
1139
01:02:44,360 --> 01:02:45,894
Not everybody can get a check.
1140
01:02:47,530 --> 01:02:49,297
Hey, how you doin'?
1141
01:02:49,432 --> 01:02:50,432
What's your name?
1142
01:02:50,566 --> 01:02:51,733
Julia!
1143
01:02:51,868 --> 01:02:52,968
I know Julia.
1144
01:02:53,102 --> 01:02:54,436
You guys go back, eh?
1145
01:02:54,570 --> 01:02:56,605
Way back.
1146
01:02:56,739 --> 01:02:57,706
Like that?
1147
01:02:57,840 --> 01:02:58,907
Like that.
1148
01:02:59,041 --> 01:03:00,742
My question is to you,
1149
01:03:00,877 --> 01:03:03,311
I know you're making fun of me for
having the runs and going to pee,
1150
01:03:03,446 --> 01:03:06,148
and I know you have a girlfriend,
I saw her, very pretty,
1151
01:03:06,282 --> 01:03:08,517
but will you please marry me,
my fluffy bunny?
1152
01:03:10,486 --> 01:03:13,255
"Fluffy bunny?"
1153
01:03:13,389 --> 01:03:14,956
Wow.
1154
01:03:15,091 --> 01:03:17,893
Girl, my girlfriend's gonna jump
you and my mom's gonna help.
1155
01:03:24,033 --> 01:03:25,667
Take one for the team.
1156
01:03:25,802 --> 01:03:27,035
Thank you, though.
1157
01:03:27,170 --> 01:03:28,236
Bye, now.
1158
01:03:28,371 --> 01:03:30,906
Woo!
1159
01:03:31,040 --> 01:03:32,808
Juan, Mexican name.
1160
01:03:32,942 --> 01:03:33,875
Yeah.
("What happened.")
1161
01:03:34,010 --> 01:03:35,443
How you doin', bro?
1162
01:03:35,578 --> 01:03:37,646
Who's your favorite stand-up
and have you ever met him?
1163
01:03:37,780 --> 01:03:39,581
My favorite stand-up comic,
Robin Williams,
1164
01:03:39,715 --> 01:03:41,283
and I met him last year.
1165
01:03:42,451 --> 01:03:44,486
Yeah.
Thank you, man.
1166
01:03:44,620 --> 01:03:47,622
What I was curious about is how
you come up with your material.
1167
01:03:47,757 --> 01:03:49,491
How do I come up with material?
1168
01:03:49,625 --> 01:03:51,092
Uh, some people have writers,
1169
01:03:51,227 --> 01:03:52,861
some comics are writers,
1170
01:03:52,995 --> 01:03:54,496
I don't know how to sit down
and come up with funny stuff
1171
01:03:54,630 --> 01:03:56,398
and then come out here and try
to perform it.
1172
01:03:56,532 --> 01:03:57,999
I usually react to things that
are happening,
1173
01:03:58,134 --> 01:04:01,937
like people getting up,
walking to the bathroom, baboso.
1174
01:04:02,071 --> 01:04:04,639
And it's still the same guy, too.
1175
01:04:04,774 --> 01:04:06,575
Things happen to me on a daily basis,
and I find a way
1176
01:04:06,709 --> 01:04:08,743
to make them funny, like,
for example,
1177
01:04:08,878 --> 01:04:11,847
sometimes at night, when I go to
a drive-thru and they mess me up,
1178
01:04:11,981 --> 01:04:15,217
I like to go back in line again,
and mess with them.
1179
01:04:15,351 --> 01:04:16,685
Like when they come on the speaker,
1180
01:04:16,819 --> 01:04:18,486
Welcome to McDonald's,
how can I help you?
1181
01:04:18,621 --> 01:04:20,255
I'll just start messing with them.
I'll do like a girl voice and go,
1182
01:04:20,389 --> 01:04:23,225
Oh my God, hi!
1183
01:04:23,359 --> 01:04:24,693
You don't just write that,
1184
01:04:24,827 --> 01:04:26,061
it's kind of a spur of the
moment type of thing.
1185
01:04:26,195 --> 01:04:27,896
Then I come up here and tell
the story.
1186
01:04:28,030 --> 01:04:30,866
Everything you hear me talk about on
the shows is usually a real story.
1187
01:04:31,000 --> 01:04:32,801
How are you handling success?
1188
01:04:32,935 --> 01:04:34,002
How am I handling it?
1189
01:04:34,136 --> 01:04:37,205
I'll let you know when this airs.
1190
01:04:37,340 --> 01:04:39,307
I'll let you know when the
DVDs come out
1191
01:04:39,442 --> 01:04:41,843
to see if I hang...
1192
01:04:41,978 --> 01:04:44,012
Honestly, bro,
1193
01:04:44,146 --> 01:04:46,281
I don't know how you would say
how you're handling it,
1194
01:04:46,415 --> 01:04:47,849
I don't forget where I'm from,
1195
01:04:47,984 --> 01:04:50,385
that's exactly why I wanted to
do the special here
1196
01:04:50,519 --> 01:04:54,823
because it was a..
10 years later type of thing.
1197
01:04:54,957 --> 01:04:56,758
I still have my original best friend
1198
01:04:56,893 --> 01:04:59,327
from way back in the day when
I didn't have comedy.
1199
01:04:59,462 --> 01:05:01,796
When I would go spend
Christmas at his house.
1200
01:05:01,931 --> 01:05:04,165
And I have people that love
me and care about me
1201
01:05:04,300 --> 01:05:06,301
whether this happens
or doesn't happen.
1202
01:05:06,435 --> 01:05:09,104
My brother will still let me
sleep on his porch.
1203
01:05:09,238 --> 01:05:10,238
So, it's going good, man.
1204
01:05:10,373 --> 01:05:11,206
Stay true to your roots.
1205
01:05:11,340 --> 01:05:13,141
Thank you, bro.
1206
01:05:13,276 --> 01:05:16,745
Ladies and gentlemen, this is
a guy by the name of Fast Freddy.
1207
01:05:16,879 --> 01:05:21,116
Fast Freddy has been coming
out to see my shows
1208
01:05:21,250 --> 01:05:23,351
for what, a good three, four years?
1209
01:05:23,486 --> 01:05:26,354
2000 you opened up for Weird
Al Yankovic in San Diego.
1210
01:05:26,489 --> 01:05:28,924
What year was that?
1211
01:05:29,058 --> 01:05:30,425
Two thousand.
1212
01:05:30,559 --> 01:05:33,962
So for six years, you have
successfully stalked me.
1213
01:05:38,434 --> 01:05:39,768
And made it to the special.
1214
01:05:39,902 --> 01:05:41,503
This guy right here,
is one of the greatest fans
1215
01:05:41,637 --> 01:05:43,371
any entertainer could ever
ask for.
1216
01:05:43,506 --> 01:05:44,973
And he's just been a really
really nice guy.
1217
01:05:45,107 --> 01:05:46,942
We did a show in Denver, Colorado,
1218
01:05:47,076 --> 01:05:50,478
and he had his entire family
reunion come to the show.
1219
01:05:50,613 --> 01:05:53,348
And any time I said his name,
they're like,
1220
01:05:53,482 --> 01:05:58,119
But no, honestly dude,
I appreciate your coming out tonight,
1221
01:05:58,254 --> 01:06:00,522
and I'm gonna see to it you
come out on the DVD,
1222
01:06:00,656 --> 01:06:02,857
and you can burn it, make copies
and give it to your friends
1223
01:06:02,992 --> 01:06:04,926
and sell it at the Swap-Meet.
1224
01:06:05,061 --> 01:06:07,062
But I really appreciate you and your
wife always coming out to the shows.
1225
01:06:07,196 --> 01:06:08,530
Man, you've shown a lot of love
1226
01:06:08,664 --> 01:06:09,998
and I appreciate you showin'
the Hawaiian shirt.
1227
01:06:10,132 --> 01:06:11,266
Oh, yeah.
1228
01:06:11,400 --> 01:06:12,634
But what's your question, bro?
1229
01:06:12,768 --> 01:06:14,569
You've been all over the
nation, performing.
1230
01:06:14,704 --> 01:06:17,272
Where have been some of your
favorite places to perform?
1231
01:06:17,406 --> 01:06:21,176
I don't wanna kiss butt
but mmm, one of them.
1232
01:06:25,281 --> 01:06:26,982
Yeah.
1233
01:06:27,116 --> 01:06:30,819
Uh, some favorite places
have been like, um,
1234
01:06:30,953 --> 01:06:32,988
Phoenix, Arizona, San Antonio, Texas,
1235
01:06:33,122 --> 01:06:36,591
Houston, Texas, uh,
Florida, all over Florida.
1236
01:06:36,726 --> 01:06:38,860
Miami. New York.
1237
01:06:38,995 --> 01:06:40,562
I've had a lot of fun places.
1238
01:06:40,696 --> 01:06:42,030
One of the most interesting
was in Canada.
1239
01:06:42,164 --> 01:06:44,833
I performed for Canadians. Eh.
1240
01:06:44,967 --> 01:06:48,269
They say "eh" more than gang members.
1241
01:06:48,404 --> 01:06:49,471
How you doin', eh?
1242
01:06:49,605 --> 01:06:51,639
Orale, eh.
1243
01:06:51,774 --> 01:06:53,141
I love performing everywhere.
1244
01:06:53,275 --> 01:06:55,310
There are some places that I'd
rather not go back,
1245
01:06:55,444 --> 01:06:57,979
I won't mention them in case
they sell the CD and DVD there.
1246
01:06:58,114 --> 01:06:59,047
What's your name?
1247
01:06:59,181 --> 01:07:00,582
Salvador.
1248
01:07:00,716 --> 01:07:03,218
SaIvador!
It's like a soap opera name.
1249
01:07:03,352 --> 01:07:05,286
("Where are you going?
Who you are?")
1250
01:07:05,421 --> 01:07:07,789
Salvador.
1251
01:07:07,923 --> 01:07:09,357
Just messin' with you, bro.
1252
01:07:09,492 --> 01:07:12,027
My question is,
what's your mom's favorite dish
1253
01:07:12,161 --> 01:07:14,796
that she taught you how to make
or not?
1254
01:07:14,930 --> 01:07:16,664
My mom's favorite dish,
that she would cook?
1255
01:07:16,799 --> 01:07:17,966
Yeah.
1256
01:07:18,100 --> 01:07:20,402
Uh, Jack In The Box.
1257
01:07:20,536 --> 01:07:22,103
Drive-thru.
1258
01:07:22,238 --> 01:07:24,439
See, my mom, yeah, she's Mexican,
but she ole school Mexican,
1259
01:07:24,573 --> 01:07:25,940
she didn't even wanna cook.
1260
01:07:26,075 --> 01:07:27,375
When I was a little kid,
1261
01:07:27,510 --> 01:07:29,644
my mom would go play bingo,
she still plays it
1262
01:07:29,779 --> 01:07:31,880
and she'd come home at like
one o'clock at night,
1263
01:07:32,014 --> 01:07:33,048
and I'm like Mom, I'm hungry.
1264
01:07:33,182 --> 01:07:34,616
Let's go.
1265
01:07:34,750 --> 01:07:36,284
We'd go hit a Jack In The Box
and it became a routine.
1266
01:07:36,419 --> 01:07:38,620
When I was a little kid,
I used to be like this,
1267
01:07:38,754 --> 01:07:41,890
then, years later, Jack In The Box.
1268
01:07:42,024 --> 01:07:44,826
Mom, what's your favorite dish?
1269
01:07:44,960 --> 01:07:46,227
Tamales!
1270
01:07:46,362 --> 01:07:49,664
Oh, she's getting mad, Tamales!
1271
01:07:51,367 --> 01:07:52,901
Yeah, 'cause she'd make 'em
once a year for Christmas
1272
01:07:53,035 --> 01:07:54,502
and make me cook 'em with her,
1273
01:07:54,637 --> 01:07:56,004
I'm tying the pinche tamales,
I'm holding..
1274
01:07:56,138 --> 01:07:58,473
("Tie them up!")
1275
01:07:58,607 --> 01:08:01,776
I couldn't take a bath because there's
a bunch of freakin' corn husks
1276
01:08:01,911 --> 01:08:04,079
in the tub because she's
letting them soak.
1277
01:08:04,213 --> 01:08:06,114
I smell like culo but she
don't care.
1278
01:08:06,248 --> 01:08:08,550
I have to make tamales!
1279
01:08:08,684 --> 01:08:10,151
Hey, Nick, what's your question?
1280
01:08:10,286 --> 01:08:13,154
What's your favorite joke?
1281
01:08:13,289 --> 01:08:16,191
What is my favorite joke?
1282
01:08:16,325 --> 01:08:18,893
Oh, that's a good question.
1283
01:08:19,028 --> 01:08:23,798
Donkey!
1284
01:08:23,933 --> 01:08:26,067
I know it's not exactly a joke
1285
01:08:26,202 --> 01:08:28,903
but it makes me laugh every
time I say it.
1286
01:08:29,038 --> 01:08:35,677
Hey! I actually told a joke,
it's not even a clean joke,
1287
01:08:35,811 --> 01:08:37,479
my very first joke that I told,
1288
01:08:37,613 --> 01:08:38,847
when I was 10 years old,
1289
01:08:38,981 --> 01:08:41,316
I did a show at my elementary school,
1290
01:08:41,450 --> 01:08:43,818
I went up on stage and I said this,
1291
01:08:43,953 --> 01:08:46,855
I said,
1292
01:08:46,989 --> 01:08:49,290
I said,
Why did the chicken cross the road?
1293
01:08:49,425 --> 01:08:50,592
And the whole crowd
said, Why?
1294
01:08:50,726 --> 01:08:53,761
And I said,
To check out the chicks.
1295
01:08:53,896 --> 01:08:55,363
My name is Philip.
1296
01:08:55,498 --> 01:08:57,699
It's not really a question,
I just wanna say thanks,
1297
01:08:57,833 --> 01:08:59,868
I'm just out of the Marine Corp
and I'll tell you what, man,
1298
01:09:00,002 --> 01:09:01,569
you brought a lot of laughter
to us out there.
1299
01:09:03,172 --> 01:09:04,506
So I just want to say
thanks to you.
1300
01:09:06,408 --> 01:09:08,309
You kept us alive through some
rough times.
1301
01:09:08,444 --> 01:09:10,078
So thanks a lot, brother.
1302
01:09:10,212 --> 01:09:13,414
I appreciate it, man.
I'm glad you could make it here, bro.
1303
01:09:13,549 --> 01:09:16,084
Huh? Tacos, later, what's up?
1304
01:09:16,218 --> 01:09:18,386
For Philip and everybody in the
Marines, guys, let them hear it.
1305
01:09:18,521 --> 01:09:19,487
All the troops!
1306
01:09:20,689 --> 01:09:22,023
Go ahead, man.
1307
01:09:22,158 --> 01:09:23,925
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
1308
01:09:25,361 --> 01:09:26,361
("Come on.")
1309
01:09:27,997 --> 01:09:31,065
Get to the mike, pendejo.
Come here.
1310
01:09:31,200 --> 01:09:33,368
All night you wanna say something,
now is your chance.
1311
01:09:33,502 --> 01:09:35,303
You wanna scream.
1312
01:09:35,437 --> 01:09:38,706
("Come on.") What have you been
drinking all night?
1313
01:09:39,942 --> 01:09:43,211
Budweiserrr.
Bud Liiites.
1314
01:09:43,345 --> 01:09:44,946
He even says it with an accent, huh?
1315
01:09:45,080 --> 01:09:46,981
Budweiserrr!
1316
01:09:47,116 --> 01:09:48,917
Bud Liiite!
1317
01:09:49,051 --> 01:09:50,818
That's the way you do it.
1318
01:09:50,953 --> 01:09:52,754
That's the way they allll do it.
1319
01:09:52,888 --> 01:09:53,821
What's your question?
1320
01:09:53,956 --> 01:09:56,090
Where's afterward?
1321
01:09:56,225 --> 01:09:58,393
Last time I was here, we were told
1322
01:09:58,527 --> 01:10:01,429
you were gonna be in one place
and you were at another.
1323
01:10:01,564 --> 01:10:03,231
I wanna take it from you.
1324
01:10:03,365 --> 01:10:04,465
What are you asking?
Where am I gonna be next?
1325
01:10:04,600 --> 01:10:06,434
Where we all gonna go?
1326
01:10:06,569 --> 01:10:11,873
After hours?
Fuckin' Denny's.
1327
01:10:13,776 --> 01:10:15,710
East side?
Hey. Hey.
1328
01:10:15,844 --> 01:10:17,345
East side, north side, west side?
1329
01:10:17,479 --> 01:10:19,113
south side?
1330
01:10:19,248 --> 01:10:21,449
What'd you say?
East side, north side, south side?
1331
01:10:21,584 --> 01:10:24,686
Cabron, it's cold,
we're gonna stay inside.
1332
01:10:24,820 --> 01:10:26,588
I don't know which one is that.
1333
01:10:26,722 --> 01:10:28,389
Alright, I guess that's it,
you guys.
1334
01:10:28,524 --> 01:10:31,626
Hey, listen, I really cannot express
1335
01:10:31,760 --> 01:10:34,696
how touched I am that you guys
sold out two shows tonight,
1336
01:10:34,830 --> 01:10:37,899
here at the very first place
where I started.
1337
01:10:41,537 --> 01:10:44,439
This special
1338
01:10:44,573 --> 01:10:47,709
is gonna air on Comedy Central
either June or July
1339
01:10:47,843 --> 01:10:51,079
and you guys can say
you were part of it,
1340
01:10:51,213 --> 01:10:53,214
and hopefully it looks
really nice on TV.
1341
01:10:53,349 --> 01:10:56,317
Maybe they'll cut off
a pound or two.
1342
01:10:56,452 --> 01:10:58,019
We'll definitely be back here,
1343
01:10:58,153 --> 01:11:00,221
give us about another year and
we'll be back to do it again,
1344
01:11:00,356 --> 01:11:02,257
and I love you guys,
thank you for showing love.
1345
01:11:02,391 --> 01:11:04,792
Have a good night!
Thank you!
1346
01:12:01,083 --> 01:12:02,817
Ladies and gentlemen,
1347
01:12:02,951 --> 01:12:06,154
live from the Fox Theater in
beautiful Downtown Bakersfield,
1348
01:12:06,288 --> 01:12:10,491
put your hands together,
show your love for Martin Moreno!
1349
01:12:21,937 --> 01:12:25,773
Woo! Bakersfield!
How are you guys feeling tonight?
1350
01:12:28,610 --> 01:12:31,312
We got a packed house,
thank you for coming out,
1351
01:12:31,447 --> 01:12:34,048
thank you very much for the
Latinos in the house.
1352
01:12:34,183 --> 01:12:37,952
Muchas gracias.
Where you at, Rosa?
1353
01:12:41,623 --> 01:12:43,891
We got enough Latinos in here
to start a march.
1354
01:12:44,026 --> 01:12:45,927
That's beautiful.
1355
01:12:46,061 --> 01:12:48,896
Where's the white people?
Make some noise, white people!
1356
01:12:51,033 --> 01:12:53,534
Wow. We are not marching anywhere.
1357
01:12:54,937 --> 01:12:57,372
Get back to work!
1358
01:12:57,506 --> 01:12:59,707
Where's the black folks?
Make some noise, black folks!
1359
01:13:03,178 --> 01:13:05,046
Alright, two!
1360
01:13:05,180 --> 01:13:08,316
Well, that's all we need to
keep the white people
1361
01:13:08,450 --> 01:13:13,020
distracted from the Latinos
in the house.
1362
01:13:13,155 --> 01:13:15,356
I love black folks.
Black guys have got to be
1363
01:13:15,491 --> 01:13:17,458
the coolest men on the planet.
1364
01:13:17,593 --> 01:13:18,893
You know that?
That's right.
1365
01:13:19,027 --> 01:13:21,796
I'll tell you right now.
A black guy could punk
1366
01:13:21,930 --> 01:13:23,631
a white guy into some fashion.
1367
01:13:26,268 --> 01:13:30,605
A black guy could show up wearing
a clown suit talking shit,
1368
01:13:30,739 --> 01:13:33,541
it's a clown suit, bitches!
1369
01:13:33,675 --> 01:13:35,543
Honk honk, that's my cell phone, nigga.
1370
01:13:37,746 --> 01:13:42,984
There'd be a white guy behind him,
Holy shit, we gotta get a clown suit.
1371
01:13:43,118 --> 01:13:45,953
They are cool.
Latinos, we got it all twisted.
1372
01:13:46,088 --> 01:13:49,023
We thought hard work was gonna
do the trick.
1373
01:13:49,158 --> 01:13:50,625
It's hard work being Latino, right?
1374
01:13:50,759 --> 01:13:54,729
You gotta sneak in through
the desert,
1375
01:13:54,863 --> 01:13:58,499
get a job without an ID,
1376
01:13:58,634 --> 01:14:01,035
learn how to speak English.
1377
01:14:01,170 --> 01:14:03,571
Black folks tried hard work
for 200 years,
1378
01:14:03,705 --> 01:14:06,941
you see where that shit got them.
1379
01:14:07,075 --> 01:14:09,210
A boat showed up to Africa,
1380
01:14:09,344 --> 01:14:12,747
it was a messed-up trip
but a boat showed up.
1381
01:14:12,881 --> 01:14:18,786
Can you imagine if a boat
showed up in Mexico?
1382
01:14:18,921 --> 01:14:22,356
Latinos would be running each
other over, trying to get on.
1383
01:14:22,491 --> 01:14:24,492
Vamonos, cabron, call your tio,
1384
01:14:24,626 --> 01:14:28,696
it's free, let's go!
1385
01:14:28,831 --> 01:14:34,368
Shit, you think we fit a lot
of people in a car?
1386
01:14:34,503 --> 01:14:36,037
Mess around and give us a boat?
1387
01:14:36,171 --> 01:14:41,209
We'll have people hanging
from that anchor, Take me too!
1388
01:14:41,343 --> 01:14:42,877
Oh, man, I talk a lot of shit.
1389
01:14:43,011 --> 01:14:44,312
It looks like we got a lot of
couples in the house.
1390
01:14:44,446 --> 01:14:46,347
Couples, where you at?
Make some noise, couples.
1391
01:14:47,916 --> 01:14:49,684
Wow.
1392
01:14:49,818 --> 01:14:52,587
Better you than me.
1393
01:14:52,721 --> 01:14:56,624
I was married one time, had a
traditional Latino Catholic wedding.
1394
01:14:56,758 --> 01:14:59,627
Very traditional.
My girlfriend was pregnant.
1395
01:15:01,763 --> 01:15:04,065
My son was the best man.
1396
01:15:06,068 --> 01:15:08,603
It was traditional.
l'm not doing it again though.
1397
01:15:08,737 --> 01:15:10,605
And I knew marriage wasn't
for me,
1398
01:15:10,739 --> 01:15:14,041
because at the wedding they
were throwing minute rice.
1399
01:15:14,176 --> 01:15:16,210
I knew it wasn't gonna last, right?
1400
01:15:16,345 --> 01:15:21,415
And my favorite part out of the whole
wedding thing was the bachelor party.
1401
01:15:21,550 --> 01:15:22,817
Are you kidding?
1402
01:15:22,951 --> 01:15:25,486
Free beers, free lapdances,
1403
01:15:25,621 --> 01:15:27,588
that's a good time, right?
1404
01:15:27,723 --> 01:15:30,758
Because strip clubs are expensive
when you gotta pay, right?
1405
01:15:30,893 --> 01:15:33,461
You got a big ol' cover charge,
you get all mad,
1406
01:15:33,595 --> 01:15:36,697
I shoulda brought the VIP
tickets I got last week.
1407
01:15:36,832 --> 01:15:40,201
You walk in, beers are eight bucks,
1408
01:15:40,335 --> 01:15:42,637
lapdances are 25 bucks,
1409
01:15:42,771 --> 01:15:45,139
and then they trick you,
two for one, two for one,
1410
01:15:45,274 --> 01:15:47,241
but then the song's over
in one minute.
1411
01:15:47,376 --> 01:15:49,010
What the hell is that?
1412
01:15:49,144 --> 01:15:51,212
Who's doing the music here?
DJ ComeQuick?
1413
01:15:51,346 --> 01:15:53,047
This is bullshit.
It's horrible.
1414
01:15:54,850 --> 01:15:57,084
That is why I like strip clubs
in Mexico.
1415
01:15:57,219 --> 01:15:59,186
That is the shit right there.
1416
01:16:00,789 --> 01:16:02,990
And if you haven't gone,
you owe it to yourselves
1417
01:16:03,125 --> 01:16:05,059
to take a vacation,
just to check it out.
1418
01:16:06,628 --> 01:16:08,729
Everybody is welcome in the
Mexican strip club.
1419
01:16:08,864 --> 01:16:10,598
You got your wife,
you got your kids,
1420
01:16:10,732 --> 01:16:13,467
come on in, they don't care.
1421
01:16:13,602 --> 01:16:15,670
First of all, there's no cover charge.
1422
01:16:15,804 --> 01:16:18,205
There's a midget about that big,
1423
01:16:18,340 --> 01:16:21,008
just recruiting people.
He's got horns, whistles,
1424
01:16:21,143 --> 01:16:23,644
make it look like a carnival.
Come on in!
1425
01:16:23,779 --> 01:16:27,381
You walk in, no cover charge.
1426
01:16:27,516 --> 01:16:30,318
Two-dollar beers.
One-dollar shooters.
1427
01:16:30,452 --> 01:16:34,822
Lapdances, 25 bucks, but every
lapdance has a happy ending.
1428
01:16:34,957 --> 01:16:38,159
That is good times.
1429
01:16:38,293 --> 01:16:42,730
You have got to be careful at
the Mexican strip clubs.
1430
01:16:42,864 --> 01:16:44,231
The girls look young.
1431
01:16:44,366 --> 01:16:46,167
They're legal,
but they're barely legal.
1432
01:16:46,301 --> 01:16:49,670
It's like it's gonna be midnight and
they're like seventeen and a half.
1433
01:16:49,805 --> 01:16:52,807
It's like, alright.
It's like a New Year's countdown.
1434
01:16:52,941 --> 01:16:57,511
Five, four, three, two,
hit the pole, baby, you're legal.
1435
01:16:57,646 --> 01:17:00,615
I'm telling you, one of these girls
didn't even have high heels.
1436
01:17:00,749 --> 01:17:02,750
She had tennis shoes.
1437
01:17:02,884 --> 01:17:04,619
She was dancing,
1438
01:17:04,753 --> 01:17:08,456
little lights were coming on
in the back.
1439
01:17:08,590 --> 01:17:11,058
I'm Martin Moreno, you guys
have been a lot of fun.
1440
01:17:11,193 --> 01:17:12,460
Thank you very much.
1441
01:17:14,529 --> 01:17:15,529
Thank you!
1442
01:17:20,502 --> 01:17:22,637
Coming to the stage,
a very very funny man,
1443
01:17:22,771 --> 01:17:25,706
you might have seen him at
Que Locos, Latino Laugh Festival.
1444
01:17:25,841 --> 01:17:30,578
Please a big hand, Mr. Noe Gonzalez.
1445
01:17:36,752 --> 01:17:40,521
Alright.
Alright.
1446
01:17:40,656 --> 01:17:43,791
Alright, I'm five foot three,
fuck it, how you doin' everybody?
1447
01:17:47,796 --> 01:17:51,832
Alright. There's advantages
to being short, right?
1448
01:17:51,967 --> 01:17:53,334
Hell, yeah, I could get drunk quick.
1449
01:17:53,468 --> 01:17:54,602
Two Bud Lites, I'm gone.
1450
01:17:56,438 --> 01:17:58,806
There's advantages.
I could stand under a table
1451
01:17:58,940 --> 01:18:02,376
when there's an earthquake.
1452
01:18:02,511 --> 01:18:04,011
I could just stand there.
1453
01:18:07,049 --> 01:18:11,085
You guys good over there?
Yeah, I'm good over here.
1454
01:18:11,219 --> 01:18:12,720
The bathroom of the airplane,
1455
01:18:12,854 --> 01:18:14,455
I fit in there. Tall people,
you don't fit in there, huh?
1456
01:18:14,589 --> 01:18:16,323
Your knees are hittin' the door
like that.
1457
01:18:16,458 --> 01:18:19,393
Not me, that's like my living room, man.
I'm like woo!
1458
01:18:19,528 --> 01:18:21,829
This flight is takin' forever.
1459
01:18:21,963 --> 01:18:23,764
Let me wash my hands real quick.
1460
01:18:30,105 --> 01:18:32,606
One thing that sucks is that
people always know
1461
01:18:32,741 --> 01:18:35,042
what I am for Halloween.
1462
01:18:35,177 --> 01:18:37,778
Tall people,
you can fool your friends.
1463
01:18:37,913 --> 01:18:40,548
You show up to the party, everybody's
like, Who's Batman over there?
1464
01:18:40,682 --> 01:18:46,187
I don't know, but there's Noe
right there.
1465
01:18:46,321 --> 01:18:50,758
Last year I dressed up as
King Kong.
1466
01:18:50,892 --> 01:18:53,728
My friends came up to me, Hey,
you're Curious George,
1467
01:18:53,862 --> 01:18:54,962
huh, bro? Come here!
1468
01:19:01,737 --> 01:19:04,872
So I was just watching the movie
of exorcism of Emily Rose.
1469
01:19:05,006 --> 01:19:06,907
Have you seen that movie?
1470
01:19:07,042 --> 01:19:09,777
That's a scary movie, man, because the
devil could just pop into you at any time.
1471
01:19:09,911 --> 01:19:11,479
I didn't know he could do that.
1472
01:19:11,613 --> 01:19:13,681
You know, she was just walking
down the street,
1473
01:19:13,815 --> 01:19:16,717
How you doin'?
1474
01:19:16,852 --> 01:19:18,219
That guy stayed with her,
1475
01:19:18,353 --> 01:19:20,121
Honey, I love you, I don't care!
1476
01:19:22,491 --> 01:19:24,024
And then his friends would get mad,
1477
01:19:24,159 --> 01:19:25,860
he would take her to parties,
Hey dude,
1478
01:19:25,994 --> 01:19:27,795
your chick is triping by the
punchbowl, look.
1479
01:19:29,364 --> 01:19:32,833
Nobody wants to drink punch,
bro, take her home.
1480
01:19:32,968 --> 01:19:35,803
Come on, honey,
let's get out of here.
1481
01:19:40,342 --> 01:19:45,379
Only white people get
possessed by the devil.
1482
01:19:45,514 --> 01:19:48,783
I've seen the first two
Exorcists movies, guys.
1483
01:19:48,917 --> 01:19:51,118
Latinos, we don't get possessed
by the devil
1484
01:19:51,253 --> 01:19:56,690
because our moms would beat the
shit out of the devil.
1485
01:19:56,825 --> 01:20:00,494
Our mom with el diablo, (Spanish).
1486
01:20:02,230 --> 01:20:04,832
("Bring me the tapatio, with the tapatìo
the devil comes out.")
1487
01:20:04,966 --> 01:20:06,100
("With the tapatio..")
1488
01:20:06,234 --> 01:20:09,203
("Son of a bitch!")
1489
01:20:15,610 --> 01:20:19,980
Speaking of the devil, I just
broke up with my girlfriend.
1490
01:20:20,115 --> 01:20:23,417
Sorry about that.
1491
01:20:23,552 --> 01:20:25,619
It was hard, man,
because she had cable.
1492
01:20:29,090 --> 01:20:32,827
Man, she has NFL Preview,
maybe I should wait till February.
1493
01:20:32,961 --> 01:20:35,396
We're always fighting.
We got in a fight at Six Flags.
1494
01:20:35,530 --> 01:20:37,731
We were right there in line
for Superman, the ride.
1495
01:20:37,866 --> 01:20:40,568
And there was these cholos in front of us,
playing around with water guns,
1496
01:20:40,702 --> 01:20:42,503
just shooting each other.
They're..
1497
01:20:42,637 --> 01:20:45,206
Go Raiders, hey!
1498
01:20:48,910 --> 01:20:51,378
And some water started splashing
backward, right?
1499
01:20:51,513 --> 01:20:53,714
She says, I'm getting wet,
do something!
1500
01:20:53,849 --> 01:20:55,950
And I saw they were cholos,
you know what I mean?
1501
01:20:56,084 --> 01:20:57,651
So I was, like,
Take it, bitch!
1502
01:21:01,723 --> 01:21:07,595
We just got us splashed, you got drenched,
you didn't say nothing!
1503
01:21:07,729 --> 01:21:10,097
Now you want me to go do something?
1504
01:21:10,232 --> 01:21:13,667
She says, Fine, if I get wet again,
I'm gonna go do something.
1505
01:21:13,802 --> 01:21:15,336
I go, Oh, shit.
1506
01:21:15,470 --> 01:21:17,905
So an hour goes by, and the
cholos they start playing around
1507
01:21:18,039 --> 01:21:19,406
with the water guns..
1508
01:21:19,541 --> 01:21:23,010
and she got wet again,
That's it!
1509
01:21:23,144 --> 01:21:25,713
She ran over there,
she had a full Coke.
1510
01:21:25,847 --> 01:21:29,950
And she threw it on the cholos, You like
getting wet, huh? You like getting wet?
1511
01:21:30,085 --> 01:21:32,086
You like getting wet?
1512
01:21:32,220 --> 01:21:35,389
I'm running behind her going, No!!
1513
01:21:37,993 --> 01:21:45,032
The cholos were standing there,
all full of Coke, stunned, all sticky,
1514
01:21:45,166 --> 01:21:47,568
Then they looked at me,
Hey, bro, control your bitch!
1515
01:21:47,702 --> 01:21:53,073
I was, like, Whoa.
See? I told you you were a bitch.
1516
01:21:53,208 --> 01:21:57,044
Didn't I tell you..?
Hey, bro, I'm not even with her, dog.
1517
01:21:57,178 --> 01:22:02,750
I don't even know what I'm doing here,
I can't even get on the rides.
1518
01:22:02,884 --> 01:22:08,856
Go, Raiders.
1519
01:22:08,990 --> 01:22:11,358
So I just turned 30 like 4 years ago.
1520
01:22:11,493 --> 01:22:14,628
All my friends pitched in, they gave
me a Harley Davidson for my birthday.
1521
01:22:14,763 --> 01:22:17,698
It sucked because I couldn't
reach it.
1522
01:22:17,832 --> 01:22:22,236
I took it back, tried to get it
custom-sized, they gave me a Moped.
1523
01:22:22,370 --> 01:22:24,438
Moped sucks, they have like no power.
1524
01:22:24,572 --> 01:22:27,441
I couldn't go over a speed bump..
1525
01:22:42,724 --> 01:22:44,925
So I just got a little dog.
I haven't named it yet.
1526
01:22:45,060 --> 01:22:46,660
I like the way white people
name their pets.
1527
01:22:46,795 --> 01:22:50,230
You name them after real people,
like, this is my dog, Benjamin.
1528
01:22:50,365 --> 01:22:52,266
Hi, Benji.
1529
01:22:52,400 --> 01:22:55,135
Latinos we don't really care what we name
our pet, we'll name it after any object.
1530
01:22:55,270 --> 01:22:57,438
I went over my cousin's house,
he says I brought a neat dog.
1531
01:22:57,572 --> 01:22:59,139
He's right over there.
Fierro!
1532
01:23:02,978 --> 01:23:05,446
Black people, they always
get big old tough dogs.
1533
01:23:05,580 --> 01:23:06,780
A pit bull...
1534
01:23:06,915 --> 01:23:08,549
I've never seen a black guy
with a cat.
1535
01:23:14,155 --> 01:23:16,557
I've never seen a black guy in
the trees, looking for his cat,
1536
01:23:16,691 --> 01:23:21,295
Where you are, kitty, kitty!
1537
01:23:21,429 --> 01:23:24,898
Come on, motherfucker,
we goin' for a walk, bitch!
1538
01:23:25,033 --> 01:23:28,535
Where's my kitty?
Come on, kitty, kitty?!
1539
01:23:28,670 --> 01:23:30,704
Here, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
1540
01:23:30,839 --> 01:23:32,206
Oh, kitty, kitty.
1541
01:23:34,009 --> 01:23:36,410
You guys have been a lot of fun!
Thank you very much, guys!
1542
01:23:36,544 --> 01:23:38,078
Have a good time tonight, guys!
1543
01:23:38,213 --> 01:23:39,213
Have a good time.
1544
01:23:53,695 --> 01:23:55,996
Coming to the stage,
a very funny man,
1545
01:23:56,131 --> 01:24:01,735
please put your hands together
for Mr. Armando Cosio.
1546
01:24:06,641 --> 01:24:08,542
Thank you.
1547
01:24:08,676 --> 01:24:11,612
Hey, what's up?
Hey, how you doin'?
1548
01:24:11,746 --> 01:24:13,414
I know, some of you are looking
at me, saying,
1549
01:24:13,548 --> 01:24:17,017
Hey, didn't they kill him
last week?
1550
01:24:18,720 --> 01:24:21,688
That's Saddam, man, that's him.
1551
01:24:21,823 --> 01:24:23,357
They hung 'im.
1552
01:24:23,491 --> 01:24:28,028
Yeah, well, the rope broke.
1553
01:24:28,163 --> 01:24:32,366
Some of you guys are saying,
That guy should work out.
1554
01:24:32,500 --> 01:24:35,602
Should jog after the ice
cream man.
1555
01:24:35,737 --> 01:24:36,937
That's what my old lady says.
1556
01:24:37,072 --> 01:24:38,072
You should jog after the ice
cream man.
1557
01:24:38,206 --> 01:24:39,540
I go, Ha ha, real funny.
1558
01:24:39,674 --> 01:24:42,309
You know I can't jog after the
ice cream man.
1559
01:24:42,444 --> 01:24:43,877
He parks in front of the house.
1560
01:24:45,180 --> 01:24:46,547
On purpose.
1561
01:24:46,681 --> 01:24:48,248
He's right there,
Hey, the gordo lives right here.
1562
01:24:48,383 --> 01:24:50,918
Go ahead, crank up the music,
crank that up.
1563
01:24:51,052 --> 01:24:54,922
Subele, subele.
He's gonna come out right now.
1564
01:24:55,056 --> 01:24:57,091
And when he comes out,
we're gonna make them run,
1565
01:24:57,225 --> 01:24:59,159
and we're gonna take off.
1566
01:24:59,294 --> 01:25:00,561
Here it comes, here it comes.
1567
01:25:00,695 --> 01:25:02,763
Go! Go, go, go!
1568
01:25:02,897 --> 01:25:04,398
And that's just the guy with
the pushcart
1569
01:25:04,532 --> 01:25:08,335
and little bell on the handlebars...
1570
01:25:08,470 --> 01:25:10,671
I know how to stop them, though.
1571
01:25:10,805 --> 01:25:14,575
But hey, Jose, I'm gonna call the green
man on your ass if you don't stop it.
1572
01:25:14,709 --> 01:25:17,778
Okay, gordo, don't.. don't
fuck around, gordo, okay?
1573
01:25:17,912 --> 01:25:19,413
Don't mess around, goddamn it,
you son of a bitch,
1574
01:25:19,547 --> 01:25:21,415
("Son of your fucking mother,
Oh") goddamn it.
1575
01:25:21,549 --> 01:25:25,285
I got childrens and everything
so don't fuck.
1576
01:25:25,420 --> 01:25:27,988
I give you credit.
1577
01:25:28,123 --> 01:25:29,990
And I'm like,
Alright, man.
1578
01:25:30,125 --> 01:25:31,692
Give me a Choco-Taco.
1579
01:25:35,296 --> 01:25:39,733
It's a trip, man when on hot
days he's got beer in there.
1580
01:25:39,868 --> 01:25:42,803
This is a guy that sells
ice cream to our children.
1581
01:25:42,937 --> 01:25:46,006
I say, Hey, Jose,
what the hell is the beer for?
1582
01:25:46,141 --> 01:25:48,375
No, no, tch, tch, tch.
1583
01:25:48,510 --> 01:25:50,043
He forgets how to speak,
he just blows air.
1584
01:25:50,178 --> 01:25:52,079
Tch, tch, tch, ahh.
1585
01:25:52,213 --> 01:25:55,716
Tch, tch, tch.
1586
01:25:55,850 --> 01:25:59,553
(Mumbles)
1587
01:25:59,687 --> 01:26:01,622
Hot!
1588
01:26:01,756 --> 01:26:04,391
It is hot, goddamn it.
It's hot.
1589
01:26:04,526 --> 01:26:08,162
I know it's hot but you got like
a case and a half in there.
1590
01:26:08,296 --> 01:26:10,364
No, cabron, it's not just for me.
1591
01:26:10,498 --> 01:26:13,534
It for my friend,
the ("corn cob") man.
1592
01:26:13,668 --> 01:26:16,236
The corn guy. You know the corn guy,
the ("corn cob") guy, yeah?
1593
01:26:17,472 --> 01:26:18,939
Yeah. Yeah.
1594
01:26:20,708 --> 01:26:22,476
Same horn, every neighborhood.
1595
01:26:32,420 --> 01:26:36,323
("corn cob")!
("corn cob")!
1596
01:26:36,457 --> 01:26:38,158
That guy..
1597
01:26:38,293 --> 01:26:41,128
he parks in front of my house too.
1598
01:26:41,262 --> 01:26:43,864
("Does the fat man live here?")
No, the gordo lives right here.
1599
01:26:43,998 --> 01:26:45,399
He lives right here.
1600
01:26:45,533 --> 01:26:48,268
Oh, I got a special horn for him.
1601
01:26:48,403 --> 01:26:51,805
No, not the...
No, no, a special horn for him.
1602
01:26:51,940 --> 01:26:52,873
Watch, watch.
1603
01:26:57,145 --> 01:27:01,114
Son of a bitch.
1604
01:27:01,249 --> 01:27:02,783
Man.
1605
01:27:02,917 --> 01:27:05,786
And I've been married for 32 years,
so you know how that is.
1606
01:27:05,920 --> 01:27:12,626
Yeah. Have to role-play with
her and everything.
1607
01:27:12,760 --> 01:27:16,029
The other day we had sex
dolphin-style.
1608
01:27:16,164 --> 01:27:18,332
You guys ever try dolphin style?
1609
01:27:18,466 --> 01:27:20,367
Okay, dolphin style is like
doggy style
1610
01:27:20,501 --> 01:27:21,969
but if you hit the wrong opening,
1611
01:27:22,103 --> 01:27:24,071
she's gonna go,
1612
01:27:24,205 --> 01:27:29,009
You guys have been a lot of fun,
guys, thank you very much.
1613
01:27:29,143 --> 01:27:30,711
Orale, Bakersfield!
125335
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