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1
00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,049
(jaunty music)
2
00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:19,587
- Thank you, Mr. Chairman, for
your flattering introduction.
3
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,356
And thank you, fellow
members, for your warm welcome
4
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,225
and your not so warm
chicken croquettes.
5
00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:25,726
(laughter)
6
00:00:25,759 --> 00:00:29,297
I'll be sure to pause here and
take a casual sip of water.
7
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:33,501
- If you are planning on
getting a laugh at that point
8
00:00:34,635 --> 00:00:36,770
you are liable to
get waterlogged.
9
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- It's not intended to be
what you Earth people call
10
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a yuk or a boffola.
11
00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:43,277
The members of the Martian
Anthropological Society
12
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:45,446
have a much more
subtle sense of humor.
13
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:48,649
- Oh, the Martian
Anthropological.
14
00:00:48,682 --> 00:00:50,551
Uncle Martin, you found
a way to get back home?
15
00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:53,721
- No, but Omar M. Keck
has found one for me.
16
00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:54,755
- Keck?
17
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:55,723
- [Martin] Mmm hmm.
18
00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:56,724
- The bacon and knockwurst king?
19
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:57,658
- [Martin] Yes.
20
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- What's he got to do with it?
21
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- Tim, don't you ever read the
front page of your own paper?
22
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:03,531
- Well you know how
I am, Uncle Martin.
23
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,634
Once I get passed the
sporting page and the comics,
24
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,536
well I get
intellectually fatigued.
25
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:09,870
(laughter)
26
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,539
- [Martin] Well you don't
mind listening, do you?
27
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- No.
28
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- All right.
29
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Omar M. Keck, founder
of the Keck Foundation,
30
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announced here today the
completion of a spacecraft
31
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capable of landing on Mars,
32
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the first privately-financed
project of its kind.
33
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The astronaut will
be chosen tomorrow
34
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from an elite group
now in training.
35
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- Oh, well that's nice.
36
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You're not planning on
being the astronaut?
37
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- Well now can you think
of a better representative
38
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from Earth to Mars
than a Martian?
39
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After all, who can explain
your people better up there
40
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:44,905
than I can?
41
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:48,409
- Well granted but aren't you
overlooking one small point?
42
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- [Martin] What's that?
43
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- Well, generally speaking,
astronauts are somewhere between
44
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the ages of their
20s and their 30s,
45
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and you are just a
teeny weeny bit older.
46
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,862
- Thank you for putting
it so delicately.
47
00:02:10,331 --> 00:02:11,165
Well then.
48
00:02:12,533 --> 00:02:15,303
There go my hopes of
getting back home.
49
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:16,904
My home.
50
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:21,342
The best laid plans of mice
and Martians, gang aft agley.
51
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:23,944
- Well now let's not
start agleying yet.
52
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,713
You know I don't know
that there's any law
53
00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:28,349
that says an astronaut
has to be a certain age.
54
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:32,653
- Thanks for trying to cheer
me up, but it's no use.
55
00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:34,822
Although it would have
been to their advantage
56
00:02:34,855 --> 00:02:37,858
to have a mature, steady
hand at the controls
57
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:41,895
instead of a youngster who might
just push the panic button.
58
00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:43,964
- Yeah it's too bad
somebody can't tell Keck.
59
00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:44,932
- Well I can't.
60
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:47,301
I can't get in to see him.
61
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- Well wait a minute.
62
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Why can't I tell him?
63
00:02:50,238 --> 00:02:51,405
- You tell him?
64
00:02:51,439 --> 00:02:52,640
(Martin scoffs)
65
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,775
- I'm a reporter, I can
get in to see anybody.
66
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:56,910
- Tim, if only you would.
67
00:02:57,978 --> 00:02:59,713
- It's as good as done.
68
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:01,849
I'll call the Foundation and
I will make an appointment.
69
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:04,852
(jaunty music)
70
00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:07,521
- Don't bother, I've already
made an appointment for you.
71
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:09,723
Mr. Keck will see you at nine
o'clock tomorrow morning.
72
00:03:09,757 --> 00:03:12,493
(jaunty music)
73
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(soft music)
74
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:19,933
(electronic beeping)
75
00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,813
(upbeat music)
76
00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:49,663
(instrumental music)
77
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(man imitating monkey)
78
00:04:18,559 --> 00:04:21,295
- You Earth man, me Martian.
79
00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,830
You give peanuts.
80
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:24,965
Me take you to my leader.
81
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:29,870
- Oh, how do you do?
82
00:04:29,903 --> 00:04:33,374
I'm Professor Crenshaw, director
of the training program.
83
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,909
I presume that you're the
father of one of these boys?
84
00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,811
- No, I'm a competitor
of all of them.
85
00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:39,547
Martin O'Hara.
86
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,849
- You're the man that
Mr. Keck called me about?
87
00:04:41,882 --> 00:04:43,351
- [Martin] Yes.
88
00:04:44,352 --> 00:04:47,054
- Forgive me but did
he actually see you?
89
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:47,888
- No, but I assure you he knows
90
00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:49,623
that if I needed
medical attention
91
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:53,060
I wouldn't go to a pediatrician.
92
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,028
My goodness that
looks complicated.
93
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,365
Must take a combination of
Buck Rogers and Einstein
94
00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:58,332
to operate it.
95
00:04:58,366 --> 00:04:59,567
- Oh indeed it does.
96
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:01,402
In fact this entire book
97
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:04,438
is just landing
procedures, entirely.
98
00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:05,606
The boys have been
working for two months
99
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:06,774
and they mastered it yet.
100
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:10,544
(instrumental music)
101
00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:13,614
- Well I'm sure they're
doing the very best they can.
102
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,016
That thing over
there, whatever it is.
103
00:05:16,049 --> 00:05:17,885
I didn't see it in the diagram.
104
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,087
- You certainly are observant.
105
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,689
But those, let me tell you this,
106
00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:24,858
actually these are all
signaling devices here, you see,
107
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:27,961
and if the simulated
landing is correct,
108
00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,997
then all these indicators
light up, you see,
109
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:33,767
and then these master
lights show a perfect score.
110
00:05:33,801 --> 00:05:36,637
Unfortunately that
hasn't happened yet.
111
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:39,540
- Well I know it
sounds ridiculous but
do you mind if I try?
112
00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:42,743
(instrumental music)
113
00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:53,487
(laughter)
114
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,592
- That's unbelievable.
115
00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:00,428
You came through that
entire sequence perfectly
116
00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,763
and in less than five seconds.
117
00:06:02,796 --> 00:06:03,631
- Well I would
have done it faster
118
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:06,800
except I've got a
hangnail on my thumb.
119
00:06:06,834 --> 00:06:08,702
- Uncle Martin,
this is Mr. Keck.
120
00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:09,770
- Oh.
121
00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:12,440
I don't often meet millionaires.
122
00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:15,676
Is a deep salaam or a
simple curtsy in order?
123
00:06:15,709 --> 00:06:17,845
- Well let's just settle
for a howdy and a handshake.
124
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:18,679
- Well howdy.
125
00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:19,613
(Omar chuckling)
126
00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:20,881
Thank you for the opportunity
127
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:22,115
of allowing me to
apply for the job.
128
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:23,651
- You know I'm sure
you're just goofing
129
00:06:23,684 --> 00:06:25,152
about becoming an astronaut.
130
00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:27,788
And I'll tell you what, we've
got an opening at the plant
131
00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,790
for a sausage stuffer.
132
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:31,459
- Thanks again,
133
00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:34,194
but a sausage casing is not the
opening I came here to fill.
134
00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:35,062
Excuse me.
135
00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:39,633
- Mr. Keck, that man mastered
that control panel in seconds.
136
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,435
I never saw anybody
like him before.
137
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,971
- Yes, and if he gets to
Mars you won't again either.
138
00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:46,440
- Well now wait a
minute, not so fast.
139
00:06:46,474 --> 00:06:48,676
Just because a man's got a
head stuffed full of brains,
140
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:51,845
that don't make
him an astronaut.
141
00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:54,615
Frankly, Tim, your uncle looks
a wee might scrawny to me.
142
00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:55,549
How are the other boys doing?
143
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:56,450
- Well fine.
144
00:06:56,484 --> 00:06:57,885
Come on, come on.
145
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:04,792
- Hiya, Mr. Keck!
146
00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,461
- [Omar] Oh howdy, Baker.
147
00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:11,198
- This one's gonna separate
the men from the boys.
148
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,936
(suspenseful music)
149
00:07:32,152 --> 00:07:33,120
- You're in great shape, Baker.
150
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:34,454
- [Baker] Thank you.
151
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,791
- Well that looks like fun,
do you mind if I try it?
152
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,026
- Are you kidding, pops?
153
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,127
You're liable to
snap your garters.
154
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,162
(laughter)
155
00:07:42,195 --> 00:07:44,965
- Oh Baker, this is Tim
O'Hara, the Los Angeles Sun.
156
00:07:44,998 --> 00:07:46,033
- Hi there.
- Hi there.
157
00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:49,002
(triumphant music)
158
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:50,904
- Mr. Keck!
159
00:07:51,739 --> 00:07:54,107
(jaunty music)
160
00:07:58,078 --> 00:07:59,980
- The man's gone plum loco!
161
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:01,849
He'd better stop that!
162
00:08:04,785 --> 00:08:07,020
- I'll just get rid of this.
163
00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:09,056
(laughter)
164
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,092
- I know I saw it but
I can't believe it!
165
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:13,661
Why he's not human!
166
00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:14,928
- My goodness, he's
out of this world.
167
00:08:14,962 --> 00:08:16,630
- You can say that again.
168
00:08:16,664 --> 00:08:17,831
- He's out of this world.
169
00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:19,900
(laughter)
170
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:23,571
- Excuse me.
171
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,841
(jaunty music)
172
00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:35,649
- Pretty good.
173
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:36,684
- Thank you.
174
00:08:37,785 --> 00:08:38,819
May I?
175
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,367
- Mr. O'Hara, I'm
really man of few words.
176
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,369
How would you like
to go to Mars?
177
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,638
- I'm a man of fewer words.
178
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,872
The answer is yes.
179
00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,841
- You mean it, do
you really mean it?
180
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:35,042
- Yes, I really mean it.
181
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:38,145
(instrumental music)
182
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,015
(Tim chuckling)
183
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:44,251
- This is gonna cover
the whole front page.
184
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:46,086
- Ah, don't forget your byline.
185
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:47,721
- Oh I haven't
forgotten anything,
186
00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:50,190
starting with the fact that you
were chosen as the astronaut
187
00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:53,126
and that you visited the
capsule today at Burbank
188
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,963
and that you had
lunch with Mr. Keck.
189
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,164
- That reminds me.
190
00:09:57,197 --> 00:09:59,032
Tim, you didn't have to go so
far as to pick up the check.
191
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,268
- Well I didn't want him to
think he was dealing with pikers
192
00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:05,639
and besides, you noticed that
he didn't struggle very much.
193
00:10:05,673 --> 00:10:07,174
- Yes, I've noticed
that about you people.
194
00:10:07,207 --> 00:10:08,942
The only time you don't
mind coming in second
195
00:10:08,976 --> 00:10:10,644
is when it comes to
picking up the tab.
196
00:10:10,678 --> 00:10:11,378
(laughter)
197
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:13,747
- Boy this is really great copy.
198
00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:16,016
Burns is just going
the love me for this.
199
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:16,950
- Well from what you
tell me about him
200
00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:18,385
even if he doesn't
hate you quite as much
201
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,153
that will be a triumph.
202
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:21,088
- Oh with this scoop
203
00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,056
I'll have him eating
right out of my hand.
204
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,092
As a matter of fact
with the bonus I get
205
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:28,095
I am going to buy a stereo
tape system for my car,
206
00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:30,097
you know, the one I've
always dreamed about.
207
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:31,031
- Mmm hmm.
208
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,966
Tim, bonuses are like chickens.
209
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:36,036
Don't count them
before they're hatched.
210
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:37,204
- Oh it's in the bag.
211
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:39,406
Why old stone-faced
Burns, he couldn't.
212
00:10:39,439 --> 00:10:41,408
(laughter)
213
00:10:41,441 --> 00:10:43,977
(Tim stammering)
214
00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:45,012
- Well?
215
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:48,148
- Just talking about
Charlie Burns, the butcher.
216
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:51,318
Well feast your eyes on this
journalistic gem, Mr. Burns.
217
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:52,786
(Tim chuckling)
218
00:10:52,820 --> 00:10:54,955
Well what do you
have about that?
219
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,690
- The only thing I can say.
220
00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:57,457
- Well.
221
00:10:57,490 --> 00:10:58,291
- O'Hara?
222
00:10:58,325 --> 00:10:59,492
- Yes?
223
00:10:59,526 --> 00:11:01,128
- You are without a doubt the
most incompetent, blundering,
224
00:11:01,161 --> 00:11:02,963
inept reporter it has
ever been my misfortune
225
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,431
to be associated with.
226
00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:05,899
- What?
227
00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:06,834
- While you were out
wining and dining
228
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:10,804
we were scooped by every
other paper in town.
229
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:13,907
(instrumental music)
230
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,713
- Mr. Burns, it wasn't
completely Tim's
fault, you know,
231
00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,114
what with the excitement--
232
00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:23,083
- Mr. O'Hara, I congratulate
you on being chosen
233
00:11:23,116 --> 00:11:26,186
to go to Mars and I envy you.
234
00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:27,420
- You do, why?
235
00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:29,723
- Because you are able
to put 200 million miles
236
00:11:29,757 --> 00:11:32,793
between yourself and
your nitwit nephew.
237
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:33,426
(laughter)
238
00:11:33,460 --> 00:11:36,730
(instrumental music)
239
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:38,766
There you are.
240
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:48,742
(instrumental music)
241
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:50,944
- Hi, Martin.
242
00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:52,379
- [Martin] Hi, Tim.
243
00:11:52,412 --> 00:11:55,382
(Tim sighs)
244
00:11:55,415 --> 00:11:57,785
- Uncle Martin,
what are you doing
245
00:11:57,818 --> 00:11:59,119
sitting and reading
that magazine?
246
00:11:59,152 --> 00:12:01,154
You have to go to Mars
in a couple of days.
247
00:12:01,188 --> 00:12:02,422
Now wouldn't you be boning up
248
00:12:02,455 --> 00:12:04,491
on your takeoff and
landing procedure?
249
00:12:04,524 --> 00:12:07,260
- Tim, would you have to
study a 200-page manual
250
00:12:07,294 --> 00:12:09,329
on how to tie a shoelace?
251
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:10,163
- Oh.
252
00:12:10,197 --> 00:12:12,299
Well you just found
my one weakness.
253
00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:14,734
That's why I wear loafers.
254
00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,237
- How'd it go today?
255
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:18,939
- Burns is still giving
me the treatment.
256
00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:22,075
Do you know what he assigned
to me for this afternoon?
257
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:24,878
The weekly meeting
of the WLTBFS.
258
00:12:26,513 --> 00:12:27,781
- What's that?
259
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,017
- That is the Westwood Ladies
260
00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:33,353
Thanatopis and Bobbling
Fancier Society.
261
00:12:33,386 --> 00:12:35,155
- Unconstitutional.
262
00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,791
Cruel and unusual punishment.
263
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:41,128
- Even for a bobbling.
264
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:43,864
- Tim, you know for the first
time since I landed on Earth
265
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:46,333
I'm rather sorry that you're
the one who had to find me.
266
00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:49,036
Well what I mean is that I
seem to have complicated things
267
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:50,037
for you a great deal.
268
00:12:50,070 --> 00:12:52,339
- Oh no, of course you
haven't, Uncle Martin.
269
00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:55,342
I mean, well it's had
its compensations.
270
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:58,145
- I hope you really mean that.
271
00:12:58,178 --> 00:12:59,847
- Well of course I do.
272
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:03,016
Until I met you I knew
nothing about baroque music,
273
00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:06,319
pre-Columbian art, or
that my Martian uncle
274
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:08,956
snores just as loud
as the rest of us.
275
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:11,091
- Tim, would you say that again?
276
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:11,992
- Pre-Columbian art.
277
00:13:12,025 --> 00:13:14,094
- No, no, that your
Martian uncle snores.
278
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,996
You know, you've got a
story that just might win
279
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:17,497
the Pulitzer Prize.
20241
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