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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,426 --> 00:00:03,762 >> Dicky: FROM HOLLYWOOD, IT'S "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE," WITH GUEST 2 00:00:03,762 --> 00:00:08,200 HOST, GEORGE LOPEZ, TONIGHT, COUNTRY LEGEND WILLIE NELSON, 3 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:09,701 AND NOW, GEORGE LOPEZ. 4 00:00:09,701 --> 00:00:13,584 >> HELLO AND WELCOME TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE." 5 00:00:13,584 --> 00:00:17,168 I AM GEORGE LOPEZ. JIMMY WANTED TO TAKE THE SUMMER 6 00:00:17,168 --> 00:00:20,438 OFF SO I AGREED TO GUEST HOST. ONCE AGAIN, MEXICANS DOING JOBS 7 00:00:20,438 --> 00:00:22,740 THAT WHITE PEOPLE DON'T WANT. I'M HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE I HAVE 8 00:00:22,740 --> 00:00:26,210 LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE TO DO. THIS IS HONESTLY JUST A WAY FOR 9 00:00:26,210 --> 00:00:28,880 ME TO KILL TIME BETWEEN MY ZOOM YOGA CLASSES. 10 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:30,748 AND IT'S NICE FOR A MEXICAN TO BE INVITED TO A MANSION IN 11 00:00:30,748 --> 00:00:33,384 HOLLYWOOD AND NOT HAVE TO TRIM THE HEDGES. 12 00:00:33,384 --> 00:00:37,955 YOU KNOW WHAT I DID ACTUALLY? I HIRED THE WHITEST GUY ON 13 00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:39,991 TASKRABBIT TO COME CLEAN THIS HOUSE. 14 00:00:39,991 --> 00:00:46,597 "YO, DON'T FORGET TO DUST THE FAN BLADES, CHAD. 15 00:00:46,597 --> 00:00:49,367 I'LL HAVE YOU DEPORTED LIKE THAT BACK TO NORWAY. 16 00:00:49,367 --> 00:00:51,369 I USED TO HOST A LATE NIGHT SHOW MYSELF CALLED "LOPEZ TONIGHT." 17 00:00:51,369 --> 00:00:53,170 IT'S BEEN A FEW YEARS, BUT THEY SAY HOSTING LATE NIGHT IS LIKE 18 00:00:53,170 --> 00:00:54,739 RIDING A BIKE. WE DO IT BECAUSE WE'VE HAD TOO 19 00:00:54,739 --> 00:00:57,375 MANY DUIS. WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A LOT OF FUN 20 00:00:57,375 --> 00:01:00,077 HERE TONIGHT. WELL, I KNOW I'M GOING TO HAVE A 21 00:01:00,077 --> 00:01:01,746 LOT OF FUN. FOR ALL I KNOW YOU SAW MY HAIR 22 00:01:01,746 --> 00:01:03,614 AND CHANGED THE CHANNEL 10 SECONDS AGO. 23 00:01:03,614 --> 00:01:06,684 THIS HAIR IS SOMETHING NEW FOR ME. 24 00:01:06,684 --> 00:01:09,420 I DECIDED 59 WAS THE PERFECT AGE TO START LOOKING LIKE A 25 00:01:09,420 --> 00:01:13,658 WEST HOLLYWOOD BRUNCH WAITER. I WENT TO MY BARBER AND SAID I 26 00:01:13,658 --> 00:01:14,759 WANT TO LOOK LIKE A CROSS BETWEEN DANNY TREJO AND 27 00:01:14,759 --> 00:01:18,729 JUSTIN BIEBER. BROWN SKIN AND BLOND HAIR. 28 00:01:18,729 --> 00:01:21,432 THIS IS WHAT WE IN THE LATINX COMMUNITY CALL "HEDGING OUR 29 00:01:21,432 --> 00:01:24,335 BETS." PEOPLE KEEP SAYING I REMIND THEM 30 00:01:24,335 --> 00:01:25,903 OF SOMEONE, AND I FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT. 31 00:01:25,903 --> 00:01:33,678 I'M A CROSS BETWEEN WALTER MARCADO, AND A TROLL DOLL. 32 00:01:33,678 --> 00:01:35,880 JUST SO YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T ACTUALLY DYE MY HAIR. 33 00:01:35,880 --> 00:01:38,749 I JUST GOT SCARED, BECAUSE THE POSTMATES GUY SHOWED UP WITHOUT 34 00:01:38,749 --> 00:01:41,152 A MASK. MAYOR GARCETTI JUST SAID THAT 35 00:01:41,152 --> 00:01:45,323 LOS ANGELES MAY FACE ANOTHER STAY‐AT‐HOME ORDER. 36 00:01:45,323 --> 00:01:46,724 A SECOND LOCKDOWN. HERE IN LA, WE'RE JUST CALLING 37 00:01:46,724 --> 00:01:52,530 IT A "REBOOT." FULLER HOUSE. IF YOU'RE LIKE ME AND YOU DIDN'T 38 00:01:52,530 --> 00:01:55,366 BOTHER TO GET IN SHAPE FOR BEACH SEASON, CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE 39 00:01:55,366 --> 00:01:58,769 A WINNER! YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT FAIR THAT 40 00:01:58,769 --> 00:02:01,339 RICH PEOPLE GET TO QUARANTINE IN HUGE MANSIONS AND POOR PEOPLE 41 00:02:01,339 --> 00:02:03,541 HAVE TO DO IT IN TINY LITTLE APARTMENTS. 42 00:02:03,541 --> 00:02:06,744 I FEEL LIKE THIS IS THE SECOND TIME, WE SHOULD SWITCH IT UP, 43 00:02:06,744 --> 00:02:09,413 RIGHT? "OH, YOU WERE IN A BEL AIR ESTATE THE FIRST TIME? 44 00:02:09,413 --> 00:02:16,487 THIS TIME? A STUDIO IN COMPTON. PACK YOUR BAGS, TREVOR!" 45 00:02:16,487 --> 00:02:18,756 HEY I WANT TO SAY HELLO TO MY VIRTUAL AMIGO. 46 00:02:18,756 --> 00:02:25,763 THE ONLY MEXICAN TO EVER MARRY A KAREN. GUILLERMO! 47 00:02:25,763 --> 00:02:30,735 >> Guillermo: HI, EVERYBODY! 48 00:02:30,735 --> 00:02:36,207 HEY, GEORGE, YOU LOOK LIKE FABIO. 49 00:02:36,207 --> 00:02:37,908 >> THANKS. HOW ARE YOU DOING. 50 00:02:37,908 --> 00:02:42,546 >> >> Guillermo: I'M DOING GREAT. 51 00:02:42,546 --> 00:02:45,049 >> WHAT KIND OF SUIT DO YOU HAVE ON? 52 00:02:45,049 --> 00:02:50,421 BACK UP, LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT IT. WHAT THE ‐‐ BACK UP A LITTLE 53 00:02:50,421 --> 00:02:54,191 MORE, GUILLERMO, ARE YOU IN YOUR UNDERWEAR? 54 00:02:54,191 --> 00:02:59,296 >> Guillermo: NO, I'M WEARING SH SHORTS. 55 00:02:59,296 --> 00:03:01,832 >> THANK GOD. DON'T SPIN, PLEASE. 56 00:03:01,832 --> 00:03:07,038 SO HOW HAVE YOU BEEN HANDLING THE QUARANTINE? 57 00:03:07,038 --> 00:03:10,808 >> Guillermo: GOOD, I'VE BEEN DRINKING, EATING, MAKING SWEET 58 00:03:10,808 --> 00:03:11,942 LOVE TO MY WIFE. 59 00:03:11,942 --> 00:03:15,813 >> OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH. I'M GOING TO CALL I.C.E. 60 00:03:15,813 --> 00:03:21,352 NEXT TIME YOU WANT TO MAKE SWEET LOVE, DON'T BE SURPRISED. 61 00:03:21,352 --> 00:03:25,423 ALL RIGHT, GUILLERMO, GRACIAS. 62 00:03:25,423 --> 00:03:26,691 >> THIS IS CRAZY. THE IMMIGRATION AGENCY "ICE," OR 63 00:03:26,691 --> 00:03:27,925 AS I CALL IT, VANILLA ICE, IS LAUNCHING A SIX‐WEEK "CITIZENS 64 00:03:27,925 --> 00:03:30,127 ACADEMY" WHERE THEY WILL TEACH ORDINARY PEOPLE ABOUT HOW THEY 65 00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,463 ARREST UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS. THIS IS A REAL THING. 66 00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:35,666 IT'S HAPPENING THIS SEPTEMBER IN CHICAGO. 67 00:03:35,666 --> 00:03:39,403 IT MAY BE THE ONLY SCHOOL OPEN THIS FALL. 68 00:03:39,403 --> 00:03:42,773 A SPOKESMAN FOR "ICE" SAID "THE GOAL IS TO BUILD CAGES WITH THE 69 00:03:42,773 --> 00:03:48,112 COMMUNITY. I MEAN BRIDGES. THE GOAL IS TO BUILD BRIDGES 70 00:03:48,112 --> 00:03:49,513 WITH THE COMMUNITY." THE WAY THINGS ARE, IF I WAS IN 71 00:03:49,513 --> 00:03:52,183 A CAGE I MIGHT SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOOD HERE." 72 00:03:52,183 --> 00:03:55,352 TO PASS THE FINAL EXAM, YOU HAVE TO RUN INTO AN "OLIVE GARDEN" 73 00:03:55,352 --> 00:03:58,689 KITCHEN AND YELL "COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!" 74 00:03:58,689 --> 00:04:02,693 WHY ARE AMERICANS SO OBSESSED WITH DEPORTING IMMIGRANTS, WHEN 75 00:04:02,693 --> 00:04:04,628 THERE ARE FAR WORSE HOME‐GROWN U‐S‐A‐HOLES THAT NEED TO GO. 76 00:04:04,628 --> 00:04:07,998 FOR INSTANCE, INSTEAD OF KICKING OUT A MOTHER OF FOUR WHO 77 00:04:07,998 --> 00:04:12,536 VOLUNTEERS AT A FOOD BANK, WHY NOT DEPORT THIS MANIAC WHO THREW 78 00:04:12,536 --> 00:04:14,205 A FIT AT A GROCERY STORE, BECAUSE THEY ASKED HER TO WEAR A 79 00:04:14,205 --> 00:04:24,315 MASK? 80 00:04:24,315 --> 00:04:24,648 >> [ BLEEP ]! 81 00:04:24,648 --> 00:04:26,450 [ BLEEP ], [ BLEEP ]! 82 00:04:26,450 --> 00:04:32,456 >> I DOESN'T GIVE A [ BLEEP ]. 83 00:04:32,456 --> 00:04:32,957 >> [ BLEEP ], [ BLEEP ]. 84 00:04:32,957 --> 00:04:33,924 >> AND THEY SAY ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE TAKEN. 85 00:04:33,924 --> 00:04:36,727 "CLEANUP IN AISLE 1...2 .4...7 " MAYBE SHE WAS JUST TRYING TO 86 00:04:36,727 --> 00:04:38,696 MAKE IT INTO THE "10 ITEMS OR LESS" LINE? 87 00:04:38,696 --> 00:04:42,233 INSTEAD OF DEPORTING A DENTIST FROM GUATEMALA WHO HAS BEEN PART 88 00:04:42,233 --> 00:04:44,668 OF HIS COMMUNITY FOR TWO DECADES, LET'S DEPORT THESE 89 00:04:44,668 --> 00:04:45,369 JACKASSES PAINTING OVER A BLACK 90 00:04:45,369 --> 00:04:55,679 LIVES MATTER MURAL. 91 00:04:55,679 --> 00:04:56,013 >> [ BLEEP ]. 92 00:04:56,013 --> 00:05:03,087 >> WHAT'S UP? I'M RIGHT HERE. 93 00:05:03,087 --> 00:05:03,420 >> [ BLEEP ]. 94 00:05:03,420 --> 00:05:06,357 >> I GIVE THEM A LOT OF CREDIT. A LOT OF HONKEYS WOULD HAVE 95 00:05:06,357 --> 00:05:07,825 HIRED A MEXICAN TO DO THE PAINTING. 96 00:05:07,825 --> 00:05:09,326 WE SHOULD DEPORT THEM, BUT WE SHOULD SEND THEM STRAIGHT TO 97 00:05:09,326 --> 00:05:11,896 AFRICA. GOOD LUCK GUYS. INSTEAD OF OUSTING A 24‐YEAR‐OLD 98 00:05:11,896 --> 00:05:16,634 MEDICAL STUDENT WHO HAS BEEN HERE SINCE SHE WAS 2, WHY NOT 99 00:05:16,634 --> 00:05:18,669 GET RID OF COSTCO KENNY. 100 00:05:18,669 --> 00:05:19,937 >> YOU'RE HARASSING ME. 101 00:05:19,937 --> 00:05:22,239 >> I'M NOT HARASSING YOU. 102 00:05:22,239 --> 00:05:23,641 >> I FEEL THREATENED. 103 00:05:23,641 --> 00:05:30,714 I FEEL THREATENED, BACK OFF! 104 00:05:30,714 --> 00:05:33,083 BACK THE [ BLEEP ] UP, PUT YOUR 105 00:05:33,083 --> 00:05:34,652 [ BLEEP ] PHONE DOWN! 106 00:05:34,652 --> 00:05:35,452 >> YES, SIR. 107 00:05:35,452 --> 00:05:42,159 >> I DID NOT KNOW THEY SOLD BIG BOXES OF STEROIDS AT COSTCO. 108 00:05:42,159 --> 00:05:44,028 I GUESS THE MEDITATION HASN'T KICKED IN YET. 109 00:05:44,028 --> 00:05:45,362 AND FINALLY, INSTEAD OF DEPORTING A CHURCH PASTOR, LETS 110 00:05:45,362 --> 00:05:46,697 GET RID OF THIS SHAMELESS PSYCHOPATH, WHO SAT THERE 111 00:05:46,697 --> 00:05:50,801 HAWKING BEANS IN THE MIDDLE OF A PANDEMIC. 112 00:05:50,801 --> 00:05:58,209 >> THE PRESIDENT POSTED A PHOTO TO INSTAGRAM, SMILING WITH GOYA 113 00:05:58,209 --> 00:06:03,914 PRODUCTS ON THE RESOLUTE DESK. 114 00:06:03,914 --> 00:06:12,089 >> IF ONLY GOYA MADE SELF‐TANNER 115 00:06:12,089 --> 00:06:16,927 AND ADDERALL. HEY DONALD. ASK JARED TO GOOGLE "CABRON." 116 00:06:16,927 --> 00:06:18,762 IT MEANS "REALLY GREAT PRESIDENT." 117 00:06:18,762 --> 00:06:20,297 SPEAKING OF TRUMP AFTER THREE‐MONTHS, HE IS BACK DOING 118 00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:21,398 HIS DAILY CORONAVIRUS BRIEFINGS. THANK GOD. 119 00:06:21,398 --> 00:06:22,733 I WAS WONDERING WHICH HOUSEHOLD CLEANER TO DRINK NEXT. 120 00:06:22,733 --> 00:06:24,134 WHAT'S THE POINT OF THESE BRIEFINGS? 121 00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:26,136 EVERY WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH IS A LIE. 122 00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,771 EVEN CALLING IT A BRIEFING IS A LIE. IT'S NOT BRIEF. 123 00:06:27,771 --> 00:06:32,910 THE GUY TALKS FOR TWO HOURS. FROM NOW ON LET'S CALL IT WHAT 124 00:06:32,910 --> 00:06:35,713 IT IS, A [ BLEEP ] STORM. THE PRESIDENT APPEARED AT HIS 125 00:06:35,713 --> 00:06:37,181 DAILY SHIT STORM TODAY. WOULD SOMEBODY JUST EXPLAIN TO 126 00:06:37,181 --> 00:06:38,749 THIS GOOFBALL THAT THE SOONER HE TAKES THE VIRUS SERIOUSLY, THE 127 00:06:38,749 --> 00:06:40,918 SOONER HE CAN GET BACK TO DOING STANDUP AT MONSTER TRUCK RALLIES? 128 00:06:40,918 --> 00:06:42,586 BUT I WOULD LIKE TO CONGRATULATE THE PRESIDENT ON A MILESTONE. 129 00:06:42,586 --> 00:06:44,255 LAST WEEK MARKED THE 275TH TIME HE VISITED A GOLF CLUB SINCE 130 00:06:44,255 --> 00:06:46,690 BECOMING PRESIDENT. IT'S A WONDER HE HAS ANY TIME 131 00:06:46,690 --> 00:06:50,728 LEFT TO DESTROY THE COUNTRY. AND LAST WEEK, WHEN PEOPLE 132 00:06:50,728 --> 00:06:54,698 CALLED HIM OUT ON IT, HE TWEETED THAT GOLF IS HIS "EXERCISE." 133 00:06:54,698 --> 00:06:58,736 CLEARLY IT'S WORKING. JUST LOOK AT THAT ADONIS. 134 00:06:58,736 --> 00:07:03,941 LISTEN, I LOVE GOLF. I PLAY ALL THE TIME. I LOVE IT. 135 00:07:03,941 --> 00:07:07,211 BUT GOLF COUNTS AS EXERCISE THE SAME WAY FOX COUNTS AS NEWS. 136 00:07:07,211 --> 00:07:13,884 AND TRUMP'S "EXERCISE" HAS COST TAXPAYERS 137 MILLION DOLLARS. 137 00:07:13,884 --> 00:07:15,920 CAN'T WE JUST BUY THAT LARD ASS A PELOTON? 138 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,123 SINCE WE'RE PAYING FOR IT, I WANT TO ANALYZE THE PRESIDENT'S 139 00:07:19,123 --> 00:07:26,263 137 MILLION DOLLAR SWING. LET'S TAKE A LOOK. 140 00:07:26,263 --> 00:07:27,498 SO SMOOTH AND GRACEFUL, LIKE A GAZELLE THAT WAS JUST SHOT BY 141 00:07:27,498 --> 00:07:32,269 DON JR. IT'S NOT SURPRISING THAT TRUMP 142 00:07:32,269 --> 00:07:34,171 HAS HORRIBLE FOLLOW THROUGH IN EACH SWING HE SWINGS LIKE A 143 00:07:34,171 --> 00:07:40,411 LUMBERJACK WHO MISSED THE TREE. LET'S SEE THAT AGAIN. 144 00:07:40,411 --> 00:07:45,449 FREEZE IT THERE. NOW ZOOM IN. LOOK AT HIS PANTS. 145 00:07:45,449 --> 00:07:51,555 WHY ARE HIS PANTS SO HIGH? THAT BELT IS WORKING MUCH HARDER 146 00:07:51,555 --> 00:07:53,457 THAN IT NEEDS TO BE. DOES HE THINK THAT HIKING UP HIS 147 00:07:53,457 --> 00:07:54,692 PANTS MAKES EVERYTHING BELOW HIS WAIST INVISIBLE? 148 00:07:54,692 --> 00:07:56,393 FROM WHAT I HEAR IT'S INVISIBLE EVEN WITHOUT PANTS. 149 00:07:56,393 --> 00:07:58,062 LET'S SEE A DIFFERENT ANGLE. I SEE SOME GOOD THINGS HERE. 150 00:07:58,062 --> 00:08:02,232 LOOK AT HIS CORE. THAT'S WHERE ANY GREAT GOLFER 151 00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,034 GETS THEIR POWER. HE'S THICC WITH TWO CS, JUST 152 00:08:04,034 --> 00:08:06,904 LIKE HIS HIGH SCHOOL REPORT CARD. 153 00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:09,373 LOOK AT THOSE CHILDBEARING HIPS. IT LOOKS LIKE HIS WATER COULD 154 00:08:09,373 --> 00:08:12,276 BREAK RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS SWING. 155 00:08:12,276 --> 00:08:13,711 WHEN HE YELLS "FORE," HE'S GIVING HIS DONUT ORDER. 156 00:08:13,711 --> 00:08:18,582 NOW LET'S BREAK DOWN HIS GRIP, CRUCIAL TO ANY GOLFER'S GAME. 157 00:08:18,582 --> 00:08:20,884 NOW ZOOM IN. AS YOU CAN SEE, IT'S A VERY 158 00:08:20,884 --> 00:08:21,852 UNCONVENTIONAL GRIP. THE WAY HE INTERLACES HIS 159 00:08:21,852 --> 00:08:26,056 FINGERS. HE HAS SUCH SOFT, SUPPLE HANDS. 160 00:08:26,056 --> 00:08:29,626 HE SWINGS. WIDEN BACK OUT, AND HE SWINGS 161 00:08:29,626 --> 00:08:31,895 THE CLUB, HITTING THE BALL. WELL DONE, MR. PRESIDENT. 162 00:08:31,895 --> 00:08:34,465 AND OFF GOES HIS CADDY TO FIND THE BALL IN THE WOODS. 163 00:08:34,465 --> 00:08:38,802 HE HAS A SPECIAL TALENT FOR 164 00:08:38,802 --> 00:08:45,042 FINDING TRUMP'S BALLS. ALL RIGHT, WHEN WE COME BACK, 165 00:08:45,042 --> 00:08:48,045 MR. WILLIE NELSON. 166 00:08:48,045 --> 00:08:49,813 ♪ 167 00:08:54,545 --> 00:08:58,163 ♪ 168 00:08:58,163 --> 00:08:58,862 >>> WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE," I'M 169 00:08:58,862 --> 00:09:00,397 GUILLERMO'S STEP FATHER, GEORGE LOPEZ. 170 00:09:00,397 --> 00:09:01,998 TOMORROW NIGHT, I WON'T BE HERE, BUT SEAN HAYES WILL BE HOSTING 171 00:09:01,998 --> 00:09:05,369 WITH HIS GUEST JASON BATEMAN, AND THE JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE 172 00:09:05,369 --> 00:09:08,271 HEALTHCARE HERO OF THE WEEK. OUR GUEST TONIGHT TRULY NEEDS NO 173 00:09:08,271 --> 00:09:10,140 INTRODUCTION, BUT I'M GOING TO GIVE HIM ONE, JUST SO HE KNOWS 174 00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:14,211 WE ARE ACTUALLY ON TV RIGHT NOW. HE IS A GENUINE LEGEND OF BOTH 175 00:09:14,211 --> 00:09:16,580 COUNTRY MUSIC AND CANNABIS, WITH A NEW ALBUM, CALLED "FIRST ROSE 176 00:09:16,580 --> 00:09:19,950 OF SPRING," AVAILABLE NOW. PLEASE WELCOME THE ONE AND ONLY 177 00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:23,954 WILLIE NELSON. 178 00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:27,057 >> THANK YOU, THANK YOU. HOW YOU DOIN'? 179 00:09:27,057 --> 00:09:29,359 >> I'M GOOD BROTHER. I'M GOING TO ASK A QUESTION. 180 00:09:29,359 --> 00:09:34,998 I KNOW YOU HAVE A PLACE IN MAUI. DO YOU PREFER THE SURF AND TURF? 181 00:09:34,998 --> 00:09:41,304 DO YOU PREFER THE SURF OF MAUI TO LIVE OR THE TURF OF AUSTIN TO 182 00:09:41,304 --> 00:09:43,974 LIVE? WHERE DO YOU FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE? 183 00:09:43,974 --> 00:09:48,078 >> I'VE BEEN KIND OF SPOILED. I CAN TAKE THE BEST OF BOTH 184 00:09:48,078 --> 00:09:50,313 WORLDS NOW. I WOULD LOVE TO GO TO MAUI NOW, 185 00:09:50,313 --> 00:09:53,817 BUT WITH ALL THE BS GOING ON AROUND THE WORLD, IT'S HARD TO 186 00:09:53,817 --> 00:09:57,421 GET THERE, AND THEN YOU GOT TO 187 00:09:57,421 --> 00:10:02,192 QUARANTINE A WHILE AND ALL THAT. 188 00:10:02,192 --> 00:10:07,998 SO I LOVE MOAUI, BUT I'M IN A PRETTY GOOD SPOT. 189 00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:13,303 >> IS IT SHOCKING TO YOU TO SEE HOW WELL MARIJUANA IS BEING 190 00:10:13,303 --> 00:10:13,636 RECEIVED? 191 00:10:13,636 --> 00:10:21,178 >> NO, I ALWAYS KNEW THAT PEOPLE 192 00:10:21,178 --> 00:10:26,683 WOULD REALIZE ITS BENEFITS. AND NOW THAT IT'S IN 30 STATES 193 00:10:26,683 --> 00:10:29,719 MEDICINALLY IT'S LEGAL. AND A LOT OF STATES, 194 00:10:29,719 --> 00:10:32,189 RECREATIONALLY IT'S LEGAL. SO IT'S ON THE WAY. 195 00:10:32,189 --> 00:10:35,091 AND I THINK IT'S A GOOD THING. 196 00:10:35,091 --> 00:10:40,630 >> YOU KNOW, THERE'S SO MANY BENEFITS OF CANNABIS, YOU KNOW, 197 00:10:40,630 --> 00:10:48,405 HEALTH, APPETITE, ANXIETY, FORGETTING THINGS, BUT 198 00:10:48,405 --> 00:10:51,308 MEDICALLY, IT'S A GOOD THING, ISN'T IT? 199 00:10:51,308 --> 00:10:55,345 >> IT'S A GOOD THING TO FORGET THINGS, I THINK. 200 00:10:55,345 --> 00:10:55,846 [ LAUGHTER ] 201 00:10:55,846 --> 00:10:59,883 >> HEY, DO YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST JOINT THAT YOU EVER SMOKED? 202 00:10:59,883 --> 00:11:03,220 >> YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN SMOKIN' SOMETHING ALL MY LIFE. 203 00:11:03,220 --> 00:11:08,225 I STARTED OUT SMOKIN' WHEN I WAS JUST A KID, GRAPE VINES. 204 00:11:08,225 --> 00:11:12,596 CEDAR BARK. AND THEN I GOT TO BULL DURHAM 205 00:11:12,596 --> 00:11:16,166 AND, SO ALL ALONG I WAS SMOKING SOMETHING. 206 00:11:16,166 --> 00:11:21,638 AND THEN I GOT TO WHERE I REALIZED THAT MY LUNGS WERE 207 00:11:21,638 --> 00:11:24,741 CAVIN' IN, SO I HAD TO QUIT SOMETHING. 208 00:11:24,741 --> 00:11:28,512 SO I WASN'T GETTING HIGH ON CHESTERFIELDS, SO I THREW THEM 209 00:11:28,512 --> 00:11:33,583 AWAY AND ROLLED UP 20 BIG FAT JOINTS, STUCK IT IN MY POCKETS 210 00:11:33,583 --> 00:11:36,019 AND I HAVEN'T HAD A CIGARETTE SINCE. 211 00:11:36,019 --> 00:11:39,489 >> MY MAN, THANK YOU. I KNOW IN DECEMBER THAT, I SAW 212 00:11:39,489 --> 00:11:42,125 IT ON A SCROLL, BUT PEOPLE TRIPPED OUT BECAUSE I THINK YOU 213 00:11:42,125 --> 00:11:46,029 SAID YOU WERE GOING TO QUIT SMOKING MARIJUANA, AND THE WHOLE 214 00:11:46,029 --> 00:11:48,365 WORLD WENT UPSIDE DOWN, RIGHT? 215 00:11:48,365 --> 00:11:55,038 >> I READ THAT SOMEWHERE. AND I HAD A NICE LAUGH ABOUT IT. 216 00:11:55,038 --> 00:12:00,644 >> YEAH, BECAUSE ONCE SNOOP HAS ANOINTED YOU, BECAUSE I THINK 217 00:12:00,644 --> 00:12:02,746 YOU OUTSMOKE SNOOP. 218 00:12:02,746 --> 00:12:03,446 >> HE'S TOUGH. 219 00:12:03,446 --> 00:12:08,451 >> THAT'S LIKE THE POPE TELLING YOU YOU'RE A GOOD CATHOLIC. 220 00:12:08,451 --> 00:12:13,023 SO I HAD THE HONOR OF MEETING, I KNOW HE WAS A GOOD FRIEND OF 221 00:12:13,023 --> 00:12:14,324 YOURS, MERLE HAGGARD. 222 00:12:14,324 --> 00:12:15,792 >> YES, HE REALLY WAS. 223 00:12:15,792 --> 00:12:20,196 >> AND HE INVITED ME INTO HIS BUS, AND WHEN I WALKED IN, THERE 224 00:12:20,196 --> 00:12:23,066 WAS A WONDERFUL SMELL OF MARIJUANA, AND I WENT OVER, AND 225 00:12:23,066 --> 00:12:30,273 I TALKED TO HIM. I HAD SOME RELATIVES OUT THERE. 226 00:12:30,273 --> 00:12:37,213 YOU PASSED AROUND A BOTTLE OF GEORGE DICKLE. 227 00:12:37,213 --> 00:12:41,084 I'M THERE SMOKING AND DRINKING GEORGE DICKLE FROM THE BOTTLE. 228 00:12:41,084 --> 00:12:44,854 IN ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF HE SAYS TO HIS WIFE, HOW WAS THE 229 00:12:44,854 --> 00:12:48,892 SHOW, HONEY, AND SHE SAYS, MERLE, WE HAVEN'T DONE THE SHOW 230 00:12:48,892 --> 00:12:49,257 YET. 231 00:12:49,257 --> 00:12:50,660 >> YEAH, I LOVE ‐‐ 232 00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:57,367 >> MY QUESTION IS, CAN YOU BE TOO HIGH, WILLIE? 233 00:12:57,367 --> 00:12:58,835 CAN SOMEONE BE TOO HIGH? 234 00:12:58,835 --> 00:13:03,607 >> YEAH, SURE, YOU CAN BE TOO DRUNK, YOU CAN BE TOO HIGH. 235 00:13:03,607 --> 00:13:06,910 SURE, I'VE BEEN TOO HIGH BEFORE AND YOU REALIZE IT PRETTY QUICK. 236 00:13:06,910 --> 00:13:11,548 >> SO MERLE WALKED ON STAGE WITH THE COWBOY HAT AND THE GLASSES, 237 00:13:11,548 --> 00:13:14,384 DIDN'T MISS A BEAT, WHICH WAS AMAZING. 238 00:13:14,384 --> 00:13:17,287 BUT HAVE YOU BEEN ON STAGE AND NOT KNOWN WHERE YOU WERE? 239 00:13:17,287 --> 00:13:21,257 >> YEAH, I HAVE SMOKED TOO MUCH BEFORE A SHOW, AND I DON'T 240 00:13:21,257 --> 00:13:24,361 REMEMBER THE TOWN, BUT I DO REMEMBER THAT I WASN'T ABLE TO 241 00:13:24,361 --> 00:13:27,797 DO A SHOW. I WALKED OUT THERE AND SAID 242 00:13:27,797 --> 00:13:33,036 SORRY, AND WENT BACK TO THE BUS. AND I CAME BACK ABOUT A MONTH 243 00:13:33,036 --> 00:13:36,206 LATER, AND I THINK I REMEMBER BEING HERE BEFORE. 244 00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:40,243 >> SO YOU STAYED IN THAT BUS A MONTH AND THEN YOU CAME BACK OUT? 245 00:13:40,243 --> 00:13:41,144 NO, YOU DIDN'T. 246 00:13:41,144 --> 00:13:43,913 >> WELL, I HAD OTHER DATES TO PLAY. 247 00:13:43,913 --> 00:13:51,888 >> SO THIS IS YOUR 70th ALBUM. CONGRATULATIONS. 248 00:13:51,888 --> 00:13:52,455 >> THANK YOU. 249 00:13:52,455 --> 00:13:54,691 >> WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT THIS MUSIC? 250 00:13:54,691 --> 00:13:58,261 WHAT WILL WE LIKE ABOUT THIS ALBUM, WILLIE? 251 00:13:58,261 --> 00:14:04,567 >> THIS IS MY 15th ALBUM WITH BUDDY CANON AS MY PRODUCER. 252 00:14:04,567 --> 00:14:08,038 HE AND I WORK SO WELL TOGETHER WRITING AND RECORDING, AND I 253 00:14:08,038 --> 00:14:11,107 THINK THIS PARTICULAR ALBUM HAS A LOT OF GOOD SONGS ON IT. 254 00:14:11,107 --> 00:14:16,980 THE TITLE SONG "FIRST ROSE OF SPRING" IS A GREAT SONG. 255 00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:19,249 AND IN FACT ALL THE SONGS ON THERE ARE GOOD. 256 00:14:19,249 --> 00:14:23,053 YESTERDAY WHEN I WAS YOUNG CLOSES OUT THE ALBUM, AND THAT'S 257 00:14:23,053 --> 00:14:24,654 ALWAYS BEEN A NICE STANDARD. 258 00:14:24,654 --> 00:14:28,391 >> WHEN WERE YOU GROWING UP, WHO WAS MUSICAL IN YOUR FAMILY? 259 00:14:28,391 --> 00:14:33,329 >> WELL, MY SISTER, BOBBIE AND I, SHE WAS A GREAT, IS A GREAT 260 00:14:33,329 --> 00:14:38,134 PIANO PLAYER, AND WE'VE BEEN PLAYING MUSIC TOGETHER ALL OUR 261 00:14:38,134 --> 00:14:41,971 LIVES, AND SHE TAUGHT ME A LOT. SHE COULD READ MUSIC EARLY. 262 00:14:41,971 --> 00:14:49,179 AND I WOULD SIT ON A PIANO STOOL NEXT TO HER, AND WHILE SHE WAS 263 00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:52,649 PLAYING SONGS LIKE "STARDUST" AND "MOONLIGHT IN VERMONT", I 264 00:14:52,649 --> 00:14:55,819 WAS LEARNING THEM AS SHE WAS PLAYING THEM. 265 00:14:55,819 --> 00:15:00,390 >> IT MUST BE SPECIAL THAT YOU'VE DONE SOME WORK WITH YOUR 266 00:15:00,390 --> 00:15:03,626 SONS, LIKE THE SONG YOU'RE GOING TO PERFORM WITH YOUR KIDS. 267 00:15:03,626 --> 00:15:07,297 >> I'VE GOT SOME TALENTED KIDS. I APPRECIATE THAT. 268 00:15:07,297 --> 00:15:11,334 >> DO THEY ALL PLAY THE GUITAR? OR PIANO? 269 00:15:11,334 --> 00:15:12,769 HOW MANY INSTRUMENTS DO YOU PLAY? 270 00:15:12,769 --> 00:15:17,340 >> WELL, I, YOU KNOW, PLAY AT THE GUITAR, BUT THAT'S ABOUT IT. 271 00:15:17,340 --> 00:15:24,280 BUT NO, LUKE AND MICA CAN PLAY PIANO, THEY PLAY PRETTY GOOD 272 00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:28,985 PIANO, DRUMS AND PRACTICALLY ANYTHING HERE IN MY LIVING ROOM 273 00:15:28,985 --> 00:15:32,388 HERE. I GOT ALL KIND OF INSTRUMENTS, 274 00:15:32,388 --> 00:15:36,659 GUITARS AND PIANOS, SO THEY WERE AROUND MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS ALL 275 00:15:36,659 --> 00:15:40,797 THEIR LIVES, AND I DIDN'T PUSH THEM. 276 00:15:40,797 --> 00:15:43,967 I JUST KIND OF LET THEM DRIFT INTO IT AS THEY WANTED TO AND 277 00:15:43,967 --> 00:15:45,135 THEY'VE REALLY DONE WELL. 278 00:15:45,135 --> 00:15:48,838 >> YOU HAVE ONE OF THOSE UNMISTAKABLE SOUNDS THAT FROM 279 00:15:48,838 --> 00:15:53,376 THE MINUTE THE GUITAR CHORD IS STRUCK EVERYBODY KNOWS IT'S YOU. 280 00:15:53,376 --> 00:15:56,446 >> WELL, THAT'S TRIGGER. 281 00:15:56,446 --> 00:16:00,683 >> BABY! YEAH. I LOVE YOU, WILLIE, THANK YOU, 282 00:16:00,683 --> 00:16:02,418 MAN. THANKS FOR BEING MY GUEST. 283 00:16:02,418 --> 00:16:04,721 >> MY PLEASURE, GOOD TO TALK TO YOU. 284 00:16:04,721 --> 00:16:09,359 >> WHEN WE COME BACK, MUSIC FROM WILLIE NELSON. 285 00:16:09,359 --> 00:16:12,829 ♪ 286 00:16:12,829 --> 00:16:13,996 >> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS 287 00:16:13,996 --> 00:16:16,542 PRESENTED BY MERCEDES BENZ, THE BEST OR NOTHING. 288 00:16:16,542 --> 00:16:17,993 ♪ 289 00:16:25,522 --> 00:16:26,867 >> Dicky: THE "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE" CONCERT SERIES IS 290 00:16:26,867 --> 00:16:30,567 PRESENTED BY MERCEDES BENZ, THE BEST OR NOTHING. 291 00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:34,324 >>> WELCOME BACK TO "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE." I'M GEORGE LOPEZ. 292 00:16:34,324 --> 00:16:35,658 HIS NEW ALBUM IS CALLED "FIRST ROSE OF SPRING." 293 00:16:35,658 --> 00:16:41,998 HERE WITH A SONG HE WROTE BACK IN 1964 JOINED BY HIS SONS MICAH 294 00:16:41,998 --> 00:16:42,465 AND LUKAS, THE GREAT 295 00:16:42,465 --> 00:16:58,715 WILLIE NELSON. 296 00:17:00,717 --> 00:17:01,082 ♪ 297 00:17:01,082 --> 00:17:13,830 ♪ 298 00:17:13,830 --> 00:17:16,900 ♪ THE SKY'S NEVER BLUE 299 00:17:16,900 --> 00:17:21,404 ♪ STARS ARE RAIN DROP SEARCHIN' 300 00:17:21,404 --> 00:17:23,173 FOR A PLACE TO FALL ♪ 301 00:17:23,173 --> 00:17:31,948 ♪ I NEVER CARED 302 00:17:31,948 --> 00:17:32,313 ♪ 303 00:17:32,313 --> 00:17:33,983 ♪ I KNOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE THESE 304 00:17:33,983 --> 00:17:37,720 THINGS I TELL YOU ♪ 305 00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:38,087 ♪ 306 00:17:38,087 --> 00:17:41,958 ♪ I KNOW YOU WON'T BELIEVE 307 00:17:41,958 --> 00:17:44,360 ♪ YOUR HEART HAS BEEN 308 00:17:44,360 --> 00:17:44,694 FOREWARNED ♪ 309 00:17:44,694 --> 00:17:47,697 ♪ ALL MEN WILL LIE TO YOU 310 00:17:47,697 --> 00:17:52,001 ♪ MINE CANNOT DECEIVE 311 00:17:52,001 --> 00:17:59,509 ♪ WHAT I SAY TO YOU 312 00:17:59,509 --> 00:17:59,874 ♪ 313 00:17:59,874 --> 00:18:02,145 ♪ I PREPARED THESE STATEMENTS 314 00:18:02,145 --> 00:18:08,718 FOR THE TRUTH ♪ 315 00:18:08,718 --> 00:18:16,759 ♪ BABY TO DISBELIEVE 316 00:18:16,759 --> 00:18:17,092 ♪ 317 00:18:17,092 --> 00:18:18,895 AND THE SKY WAS NEVER BLUE ♪ 318 00:18:18,895 --> 00:18:19,796 ♪ THE STARS ARE RAINDROPS 319 00:18:19,796 --> 00:18:24,701 SEARCHING FOR A PLACE TO FALL AND I NEVER 320 00:18:24,701 --> 00:18:37,847 CARED FOR YOU ♪ 321 00:18:37,847 --> 00:18:38,212 ♪ 322 00:18:38,212 --> 00:18:42,886 ♪ 323 00:18:42,886 --> 00:18:43,853 ♪ THE SUN IS FILLED WITH 324 00:18:43,853 --> 00:18:47,891 ICE AND GIVES NO WARMTH AT ALL ♪ 325 00:18:47,891 --> 00:18:48,291 ♪ AND THE SKY WAS 326 00:18:48,291 --> 00:18:53,630 NEVER BLUE THE STARS ARE RAINDROPS 327 00:18:53,630 --> 00:18:55,832 SEARCHING FOR A PLACE ♪ 328 00:18:55,832 --> 00:19:00,703 ♪ TO FALL 329 00:19:00,703 --> 00:19:07,777 AND I NEVER CARED FOR YOU AND I NEVER CARED FOR YOU 330 00:19:07,777 --> 00:19:11,981 I NEVER CARED FOR YOU ♪ 331 00:19:11,981 --> 00:19:14,784 ♪ 332 00:19:14,784 --> 00:19:17,387 ♪ 333 00:19:25,472 --> 00:19:29,191 >> Dicky: AND NOW, CISCO PRESENTS, WHERE IS RUSS HIDING! 334 00:19:29,191 --> 00:19:38,767 WHERE IS RUSS HIDING THIS TIME? 335 00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:41,770 >> I'M BEHIND THE LOVESEAT! 336 00:19:41,770 --> 00:19:45,074 >> Dicky: AND THAT'S WHERE RUSS WAS HIDING. 337 00:19:45,074 --> 00:19:48,210 >> THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE. I'D LIKE TO THANK WILLIE NELSON 338 00:19:48,210 --> 00:19:53,616 AND MY COMPADRE, JIMMY KIMMEL. SEAN HAYES WILL BE HERE TOMORROW 339 00:19:53,616 --> 00:19:54,917 NIGHT WITH GUEST JASON BATEMAN. NIGHTLINE IS NEXT. 340 00:19:54,917 --> 00:19:58,417 GOODNIGHT, GRINGOS. 28448

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