Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:00,375 --> 00:00:03,085
[theme music]
2
00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,852
Good morning, Miss Meara,
listen, I need Dr. Samuels
3
00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:16,599
to sign this
scholarship application form.
4
00:00:16,641 --> 00:00:17,731
Okay. Well, I'll take it in.
5
00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:19,137
Why don't you just wait
right here?
6
00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:20,645
Yeah, yeah, but wait,
you gotta make sure
7
00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,477
that he signs right there.
8
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,572
- Okay.
- And right there.
9
00:00:24,607 --> 00:00:26,027
(Meara)
'Okay. I'll take care of that.'
10
00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:28,107
- 'Alright?'
- 'Okay. Great.'
11
00:00:30,613 --> 00:00:31,823
Good morning, Billy.
12
00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,575
Ah, Bernadette, hello.
13
00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:36,326
Listen, you're obviously
a woman of culture and taste
14
00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:37,749
who appreciates great music.
15
00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:39,457
- Yes, I do.
- Here it is.
16
00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:41,667
I've got two tickets
to see the Rolling Stones.
17
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,208
Why, those tickets
are worth a fortune.
18
00:00:43,251 --> 00:00:44,421
Where'd you get a pair of those?
19
00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:45,841
I won them, I was their
millionth customer
20
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,089
at the Big Apple record store
21
00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,800
and that wasn't easy,
let me tell you.
22
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,760
I had to go through that
turnstile 57 times to get these.
23
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:55,561
So how about it? Would you like
some "Satisfaction?"
24
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:58,137
Uh, Billy, I make it a policy
25
00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,643
not to date the men I work with.
26
00:01:00,685 --> 00:01:02,725
Well, I wouldn't go out
with Dr. Samuels either
27
00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,151
but it's me we're talking about
28
00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:06,069
Mrs. MacGregor's pride and joy.
29
00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,897
Thanks, but I have
a very active social life
30
00:01:08,943 --> 00:01:11,033
away from the work place.
31
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:13,781
That makes one of us then, eh?
32
00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:17,043
I don't understand American
women. I can't communicate.
33
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:20,157
Not one date
since I arrived in this place.
34
00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:22,365
Hey! There's always
the personals.
35
00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:24,245
Personals? That is for people
who are lonely.
36
00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:27,252
Distressed, weird,
far from home..
37
00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:28,505
Give us a look at that.
38
00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:30,666
[instrumental music]
39
00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:34,303
[instrumental music]
40
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:39,273
Come on, guys,
we can win 10,000 bucks
41
00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:41,307
in "America's Funniest
Home Video."
42
00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:42,731
Yeah, all we have to do
is come up
43
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:45,479
with something brilliant
and clever, yet goofy.
44
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:46,612
[bell rings]
45
00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:47,978
Morning, geniuses.
46
00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:49,944
- Good morning, Billy!
- Good morning, Billy!
47
00:01:49,984 --> 00:01:51,824
What a great day to be alive.
48
00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:54,911
"O Life!
How pleasant in thy morning."
49
00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,778
"Young Fancy's rays
the hills adorning."
50
00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,156
How impressive, Viki.
51
00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:00,502
Not many people could recognize
52
00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:03,867
and quote
the great Robby Burns.
53
00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:05,075
[clears throat]
54
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:08,085
"'Twas not
her golden ringlets bright.
55
00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:11,418
"Her lips like roses,
wet with dew.
56
00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:14,594
"Her heaving bosom, lily-white.
57
00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:17,644
It was her eyes,
so bonny-blue."
58
00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,759
If you've hit enough
on the bonny lass
59
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,426
can we please get on
with history class?
60
00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,063
Oh!
61
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:28,023
Do I detect
a little boy-girl tension here?
62
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:29,364
- 'Yes.'
- 'Yeah.'
63
00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:30,569
(Billy)
Okay.
64
00:02:30,608 --> 00:02:32,988
Immigration. Ellis Island.
65
00:02:33,027 --> 00:02:34,237
'Right after the Civil War'
66
00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:36,869
the government actively
encouraged immigration
67
00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,776
from Eastern
and Southern Europe.
68
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,325
The people arrived
in the millions
69
00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:43,198
and the first thing they saw
as they arrived on the boats
70
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:47,666
was the Statue of Liberty, with
the torch of freedom held high.
71
00:02:48,376 --> 00:02:49,786
Personally, I flew here
72
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,836
and the first thing I saw
was a Hare Krishna
73
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,300
with his handout.
74
00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,929
But that inscription
still inspires.
75
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:57,137
"Bring me your tired, your poor
76
00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:00,217
"your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free
77
00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:02,933
the wretched refuse
of your teeming shores."
78
00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:05,484
Sort of a mixed message,
isn't it, really?
79
00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:09,478
Welcome to America,
you wretched refuse.
80
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,942
Mind you, that's how
I've been feeling lately.
81
00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:13,823
Wretched, refused.
82
00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:14,900
- Aw!
- Aw!
83
00:03:14,944 --> 00:03:18,414
That is,
until I found the personal ads.
84
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:19,618
- 'Really?'
- Wa-wait.
85
00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:21,657
You answered an ad
in the personals?
86
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,121
No. I answered 14 of them.
87
00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,292
And there are six
wonderful women
88
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,671
willing to step out with me.
89
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:30,785
- 'Now--'
- Wait a minute, Billy.
90
00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:33,415
Before you start dabbing cologne
on your pulse points
91
00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,803
some of these women
are looking for friendship
92
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,180
some are looking for marriage
93
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:40,797
and some for cheap thrills.
What are you looking for?
94
00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:43,555
I am looking for friendship,
marriage and cheap thrills
95
00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:46,018
but not necessarily
in that order.
96
00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,019
And I hope to hit it off
before the 23rd
97
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,561
so I can have a date
to go and see the Stones.
98
00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:52,145
Okay, Billy, here's what you do.
99
00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:55,360
You get a table someplace
neutral, yet non-threatening
100
00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:56,991
like a coffee shop
in the Village.
101
00:03:57,028 --> 00:04:00,818
And then, you arrange to meet
one date at, say, six o'clock.
102
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:02,445
Alright,
and then you meet the next one
103
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,452
at another coffee shop at 7:00.
104
00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:06,664
Then keep doing that
in different coffee shops
105
00:04:06,704 --> 00:04:07,874
until you've met the right one.
106
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,544
- 'Yeah.'
- Or until your kidneys explode.
107
00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,633
[instrumental music]
108
00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,721
'If this doesn't win "America's
Funniest Home Videos"'
109
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:18,877
nothing will.
110
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,715
Yeah. Falling down the stairs.
That's fresh!
111
00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:23,431
- Yeah.
- I don't know, guys.
112
00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:25,271
I mean, shouldn't we be thinking
about getting into college?
113
00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:26,806
I heard
that they don't like anything
114
00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:30,349
that's too staged on that show
or that's too dangerous.
115
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,805
Oh, don't worry about it.
Nobody is gonna get hurt.
116
00:04:32,855 --> 00:04:34,265
- Okay.
- Okay? Alright.
117
00:04:34,315 --> 00:04:35,775
Now, who's gonna
fall down the stairs?
118
00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:37,817
- Oh, not me.
- Not me. No way.
119
00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:40,320
Uh, T.J., you do it.
120
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,374
Who, me? I'm not gonna do it.
121
00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:46,078
- Why don't you do it?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
122
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,159
I'm the director
and it's my camera.
123
00:04:48,204 --> 00:04:51,004
Okay. Well, now, I'm
the director and it's my camera.
124
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,380
So get your bony butt
up those stairs.
125
00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:54,838
[laughs]
126
00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:56,547
I'm not fallin' down
those stairs.
127
00:04:56,587 --> 00:04:58,507
Oh, but you expect me,
your girlfriend
128
00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:02,218
to fall down the stairs?
You know how fragile I am.
129
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:08,351
Dennis, Dennis,
Dennis, my main man!
130
00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:09,641
We're doin' a video for
131
00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:12,104
"America's Funniest
Home Videos."
132
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,515
And I was wondering
if maybe you could help us out.
133
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:15,864
- 'Yeah.'
- You know, what do you think?
134
00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:17,228
What do you say?
What do you say?
135
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:19,565
If we win, do I get
part of the 10,000 bucks?
136
00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:21,860
- Oh, yes.
- Uh-huh.
137
00:05:21,904 --> 00:05:22,954
Okay. What do you want me to do?
138
00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,819
- Fall down the stairs.
- That's all.
139
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:27,286
- Piece of cake. Piece of cake.
- Hm. Tsk.
140
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,537
Love the concept.
Let me recast it.
141
00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,209
- Arvid.
- Yeah.
142
00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:36,501
How would you like to be on
143
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:37,924
"America's Funniest
Home Videos?"
144
00:05:37,962 --> 00:05:39,342
- 'Yeah.'
- Hey, that'd be great!
145
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:40,970
You know, I do an impression
of Albert Einstein
146
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:43,217
the math club thinks
is a real hoot.
147
00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:45,349
- Huh.
- Yeah.
148
00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:46,596
I'm sure it is, but listen
149
00:05:46,637 --> 00:05:48,597
I-I was thinking more
of a-a guy falling down
150
00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:51,389
a big flight of stairs,
carrying a stack of books.
151
00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:52,984
[indistinct chatter]
152
00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,849
You know, that'd be funny, too.
153
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:59,686
Just picture it. A nerdy guy
with geeky clothes and glasses.
154
00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:04,236
I get it. You know,
you know, that's not fair.
155
00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:07,830
It really, I mean,
I-I-I maybe a tad, uh, unique
156
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:10,537
but you know, I-I am not
some-some clumsy nerd.
157
00:06:10,578 --> 00:06:11,908
Uh, uh, y-you see?
158
00:06:11,954 --> 00:06:13,504
You thought I was gonna
bump into that, didn't you?
159
00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:15,999
Well, you can just forget it.
I am not.. Ooh.
160
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:19,002
[instrumental music]
161
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:21,915
[school bell ringing]
162
00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:24,514
Okay, class, before we start..
163
00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:26,183
...are there any questions
164
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,759
about the things
we discussed yesterday?
165
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:30,434
Yeah, Billy. How was
your group date last night?
166
00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,103
- 'Oh, yeah.'
- Yeah.
167
00:06:32,141 --> 00:06:34,771
It was great. I mean,
American women are terrific.
168
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,311
Bizarre, but terrific.
169
00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:40,324
The first one was really nice
for a Satanist.
170
00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,608
I mean, I don't know about you,
but I think inverted crucifixes
171
00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:46,362
and black candles are kind of
passe as a fashion statement.
172
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,566
'The second one
was extraordinary.'
173
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:49,776
She announced straight off
174
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,236
that her biological clock
was ticking.
175
00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:53,575
I'm sure it went off right there
in the restaurant.
176
00:06:53,621 --> 00:06:54,911
And then who else was there?
177
00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,666
Oh, there was
that wonderful woman.
178
00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:57,997
A museum curator.
179
00:06:58,042 --> 00:07:01,302
She announced that most of her
favorite things were dead.
180
00:07:01,337 --> 00:07:02,707
'Really,
I had to get out of there'
181
00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:05,335
before the conversation
got around to chainsaws.
182
00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:07,053
Yeah.
Then there was the stockbroker.
183
00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,643
She arrived with a laptop
computer and a cellular phone.
184
00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,560
I couldn't get
a word in edgeways.
185
00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:14,728
I'm gonna have
to fax her goodbye
186
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,937
but then there was the beast.
187
00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:21,189
I've never saw a woman like her
in my entire life.
188
00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:24,402
She had a face like a bulldog
chewing a wasp.
189
00:07:25,736 --> 00:07:28,156
Breath, I've never known,
but this woman
190
00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:30,577
this woman's breath..
191
00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:34,576
Everything this woman says to me
begins with an H.
192
00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:38,290
"Have a nice day.
How are you doing?
193
00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:39,832
Are you havin' a nice time?"
194
00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:42,956
My hair's changing color.
My eyes are burning.
195
00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:45,384
I can.. Well, I'm looking
for somewhere to hide.
196
00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:48,013
She breathing, I'm trying
to synchronize her breath
197
00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,600
so as we're both breathing out
at the same time.
198
00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:53,846
[exhaling]
199
00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:59,314
This, this woman thinks
I'm having a stroke.
200
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:01,653
She's-she's gonna give me
the kiss of life.
201
00:08:01,689 --> 00:08:04,149
I saw her mouth
coming towards me
202
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:06,112
her mouth like an open grave.
203
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,702
And clamps over my face.
204
00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:11,407
It's like being smashed in
the face with half a watermelon.
205
00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:12,779
Oh. Help!
206
00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:14,695
But the last one
207
00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:18,924
was an absolute knockout.
208
00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:21,036
Tall, big eyes
209
00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:22,383
beautiful full lips
210
00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:24,918
and the loveliest
long black hair.
211
00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:26,922
And we had so much in common.
212
00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:28,134
- 'Good.'
- Oh, yeah.
213
00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,184
We're both sports fanatics.
214
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,258
- We're both movie buffs.
- 'Yeah.'
215
00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:33,473
We're both men.
216
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,723
[indistinct chatter]
217
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,135
I got some great tips
on eyeliner
218
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,774
if any of you ladies
are interested.
219
00:08:40,811 --> 00:08:43,111
Uh, so are you gonna see
any of them again?
220
00:08:43,147 --> 00:08:46,107
Only in recurring nightmares,
I should imagine.
221
00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:48,323
So what're you gonna do now?
222
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:51,071
Now I'm gonna keep my love life
out of this class.
223
00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:53,123
That's what I'm gonna do,
and I'm gonna concentrate
224
00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:56,447
on things I really know about,
like, history, for instance.
225
00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:57,624
- Nicaragua.
- 'Alright.'
226
00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:58,702
[indistinct chatter]
227
00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:01,036
Somoza called himself president.
228
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,832
The Sandinistas
called him a dictator.
229
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,585
They call themselves
freedom fighters.
230
00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:07,087
He called them
commie terrorists
231
00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,129
so they kicked him out.
Then they were in charge.
232
00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:11,723
Ronald Reagan called them
commie oppressors
233
00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:14,469
and he sent in the Contras,
whom he called freedom fighters
234
00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,852
and they called
mercenary terrorists.
235
00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:19,059
So b-basically,
what you're called
236
00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,270
depends largely
on who's doing the talking
237
00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:23,900
because hypocrisy
is the Vaseline
238
00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,608
of political intercourse.
239
00:09:27,024 --> 00:09:28,784
[laughing]
240
00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:32,236
They didn't like what they saw
241
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,530
so they changed it
to make it sound better
242
00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,874
just like in these personal ads.
243
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:42,620
It sounds great,
but it's all lies.
244
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,585
Well, uh, maybe you could
place your own ad.
245
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:47,416
Oh, hey, and, hey,
lie about yourself.
246
00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:48,631
- Yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.
247
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,011
Billy, if you place your own ad
248
00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:51,507
instead of answering
other people's
249
00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:54,049
you'll get the kind of woman
that you really want.
250
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:56,513
- And we'll help you write it.
- Yeah.
251
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:58,144
Now, listen, kids,
I'm not opposed
252
00:09:58,180 --> 00:09:59,220
to placin' one of those ads
253
00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,595
but it would really have
to be honest.
254
00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:03,061
- Okay?
- You want honesty? No problem.
255
00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:06,362
Lonely immigrant needs date.
No questions asked.
256
00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:09,277
Oh! Come on!
I didn't mean that honest.
257
00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,857
Okay. Okay.
Yo! Yo! Yo! How about this?
258
00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:13,992
Poor Scottish dude
is seekin' a date.
259
00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,200
Oh, that sounds dreadful.
260
00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:16,619
Couldn't we color it up a bit,
you know
261
00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:17,867
without lying, I mean.
262
00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:19,448
Sure. You don't
have to say Scottish.
263
00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:21,003
It sounds better to say British.
264
00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:22,327
- 'Yeah!'
- 'He's right.'
265
00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:24,081
And, Billy,
you're not just a teacher
266
00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,293
you're a scholar.
267
00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,883
B-but scholar sounds so stuffy.
You've traveled the world.
268
00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:29,748
I mean, Nepal, Australia,
Africa, right?
269
00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:31,505
- Right.
- Scholar adventurer.
270
00:10:31,547 --> 00:10:32,587
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
271
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:33,802
That's not too much
of a stretch.
272
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:35,051
No. We need somethin' else.
273
00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:37,262
We gotta put in somethin'
about your looks.
274
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,313
Oh. I think he looks ethereal.
275
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:41,767
Ethereal?
How does somebody look ethereal?
276
00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,517
I think
he's sort of rugged-looking.
277
00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:44,849
- 'Yes!'
- 'Uh-huh. Uh-huh.'
278
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:47,814
No. No. He's too sensitive
to look rugged.
279
00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,815
- 'Yeah.'
- Okay. You're cute.
280
00:10:49,857 --> 00:10:52,277
[chuckles]
He's not cute, he's a grown man.
281
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,738
He's...handsome.
282
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,948
No! No! No! No! Please, girls.
283
00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:58,408
I'm not handsome.
I'm kind of, uh..
284
00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,159
Attractive.
285
00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:02,161
In-in a manly way.
286
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:03,833
- Right. Right. Right.
- Okay.
287
00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:05,461
Alright. Let's see
what we got here, hang on.
288
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:09,128
"Attractive, British scholar
adventurer is desperate."
289
00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:10,798
- We can't write desperate.
- Okay. Okay.
290
00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:13,206
- Change desperate to yearning.
- 'Yeah!'
291
00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:15,415
Yearning. Yearning.
Yearning for a date?
292
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,926
No. No. No.
A meaningful relationship.
293
00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:19,388
- 'Yeah.'
- Meaningful rel..
294
00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:21,058
- Okay. What about poor?
- No. Rich.
295
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,807
Oh, no. That's what
I was talkin' about before.
296
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:23,888
I don't want to lie.
297
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:26,643
- Very, very poor.
- Oh, come on.
298
00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:30,106
Just because money isn't top
of my list of priorities?
299
00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:32,147
Okay. Money no object.
300
00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:34,281
Hey, I've got it.
Non-materialistic.
301
00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:35,778
- Yeah!
- That's right.
302
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,700
Alright. Alright. Alright.
Let's listen. Here.
303
00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:40,828
"Attractive, non-materialistic,
British scholar-adventurer
304
00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:42,486
yearning
for meaningful relationship."
305
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,535
- 'Oh!'
- That's great!
306
00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:46,118
Sounds great, but it's not me.
307
00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:48,333
That's Lawrence
of bloody Arabia, you know?
308
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:50,084
[indistinct chatter]
309
00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:53,751
Goodnight.
310
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,696
Hello? Yeah.
311
00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:22,988
I'd like to place an ad
in your personal section.
312
00:12:23,033 --> 00:12:24,413
Yeah.
313
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:27,912
Attractive, non-materialistic
314
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:30,915
British scholar-adventurer.
315
00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:32,998
[instrumental music]
316
00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:37,048
[instrumental music]
317
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:40,676
- Good morning, kids.
- Hey, Billy.
318
00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:42,178
Did you get any replies
to our ad?
319
00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:44,389
What? Fantastic!
I got dozens. Look.
320
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:49,140
Oh, see? Never underestimate
the power of the big lie.
321
00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:50,935
So which one
are you gonna call?
322
00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:53,518
This one looks really promising.
Look at this.
323
00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:58,937
"Southern belle
who loves foreign travel
324
00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:01,236
"Bloomsbury Set
and Wilson Pickett.
325
00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,410
College graduate. Warmth
more important than wealth."
326
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,200
Apart from the Southern belle
part, this sounds like me.
327
00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:09,374
- So call her up.
- Yeah. Call her.
328
00:13:09,413 --> 00:13:11,753
I don't know. I-I don't know
if it's such a good idea.
329
00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,711
I mean, this is obviously
a sophisticated classy woman.
330
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:15,962
She'll see right through me.
331
00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,963
I mean, I'm nothing like the guy
in the ad.
332
00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:20,715
- Exactly. That's why it worked.
- Just call her.
333
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,338
[indistinct chatter]
334
00:13:22,384 --> 00:13:24,054
[instrumental music]
335
00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:26,724
(woman on answering machine)
'Hi, it's me, but you know
that, 'cause I'm not here.'
336
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:28,974
'Wait a second.
There is someone at the door.'
337
00:13:29,016 --> 00:13:30,936
'Uh. No. It wasn't me.'
338
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,186
'So please, leave a message
and I'll call you back.'
339
00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,939
'Thanks, bye.'
340
00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:37,190
(Billy on answering machine)
'Hello, non-materialistic'
341
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,403
'British
scholar-adventurer here'
342
00:13:39,443 --> 00:13:40,993
'calling in response
to your letter.'
343
00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:43,568
Perhaps, we could arrange
a bit of a rendezvous
344
00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:46,744
say, Cafe Espresso,
7:30 tonight?
345
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,834
[instrumental music]
346
00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:09,600
[sighs]
347
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,689
Bernadette,
what a nice surprise.
348
00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:20,612
Oh, well,
I must be running along.
349
00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:22,071
- Oh?
- Yeah. Yeah.
350
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:23,861
I'm meeting a date
and it's a little policy of mine
351
00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:25,744
never to use my best lines
in front of someone
352
00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:28,081
I may have to use them on later.
353
00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:29,867
I don't know how you do it.
354
00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:31,790
I am surprised
that you have the strength
355
00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:33,459
to pick up the chalk
in the mornings.
356
00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:35,117
Oh, really? And I suppose
you're meeting someone?
357
00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:36,625
- Oh, yes. Yes.
- Well, that does it.
358
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,337
Look, for both our sakes,
I'll find another table.
359
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,587
You know, I don't think
that there are any.
360
00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:42,589
Well, maybe I can
meet her outside, huh?
361
00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:45,431
At the tattoo parlor? Tacky.
362
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:46,927
Besides, you'll lose your table.
363
00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:49,219
Good point.
Look, I just don't want you
364
00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:52,313
to feel uncomfortable here
when you look over and see
365
00:14:52,349 --> 00:14:54,059
what you're missin' out on.
366
00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:56,811
You know, I'm going to enjoy
every oily word you ooze
367
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:59,694
at that poor, unsuspecting,
innocent female.
368
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,442
The woman I'm meeting is
neither poor, nor unsuspecting.
369
00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:06,534
And when it comes to innocence,
I'll see she gets a fair trial.
370
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,122
- I bet you will.
- Hm.
371
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,657
So who are you meeting?
The Prince of Wales?
372
00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:12,371
How'd you know?
373
00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:15,714
Hm..
374
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,248
[sighs]
375
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,963
[whistling]
376
00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:29,046
I thought the fire drill today
was extraordinary.
377
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:37,190
Yep.
378
00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:41,978
That was one hell
of a fire drill.
379
00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,610
Oh, well,
if you're not gonna talk
380
00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:50,025
you might want to hear
some air piano, huh?
381
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:52,534
[humming]
I'm very good at it, you know?
382
00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:54,576
I can do cross hands
and everything.
383
00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:55,910
[humming]
384
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,955
Air piano? Oh.
385
00:15:57,998 --> 00:15:59,418
[humming]
386
00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:03,632
Do you know,
if you don't mind my saying
387
00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,591
I don't think much of your date.
388
00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:09,092
Well, you are not dating
my date, are you?
389
00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:11,224
Neither are you, apparently.
390
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:14,812
The man must be a bloody fool.
391
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:16,678
I mean, look at you.
You're an incredible goddess.
392
00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,805
Sitting in here,
whiling the time away
393
00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:22,152
in a sleazy coffee bar.
He needs his head examined.
394
00:16:22,189 --> 00:16:24,899
You're flattering me again
and I don't buy it.
395
00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:26,322
Well, let's go and eat someplace
396
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,860
and I'll tell you
how ugly you are.
397
00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:30,323
Well, I, no,
I-I couldn't do that.
398
00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:33,124
Although, it is 'cause it'd be
kind of ridiculous, isn't it?
399
00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:34,788
[laughs]
400
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:38,037
Look, maybe you could
explain something to me.
401
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,830
How do you get to meet people
in this city?
402
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:44,285
- What's wrong with her?
- Oh.
403
00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:48,916
Nice legs. Unfortunately,
there seem to be four of them.
404
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:50,336
[chuckles]
405
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:52,304
Is it really a problem for you?
406
00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:53,354
Yeah.
407
00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,137
Well, what about those people
from back home?
408
00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,600
I mean, there must be
lots of them here.
409
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:57,600
I'm sure there are.
410
00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:58,931
I mean,
this place is supposed to be
411
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:00,766
the big melting pot, isn't it?
412
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:02,601
But in this town,
there's a little Italy
413
00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:05,436
there's a little Tokyo,
there's no little Scotland.
414
00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:07,992
When I feel homesick,
I have to go to Chinatown.
415
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,277
Why Chinatown?
416
00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:11,989
It reminds me
of the one in Glasgow.
417
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,321
I'm sorry.
418
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:16,155
I-it never occurred to me
that you might be lonely here.
419
00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:17,581
Well, I'm not so much lonely.
420
00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:19,459
I just find it difficult
to meet people.
421
00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:22,456
Well, New York
is a difficult city.
422
00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:24,209
Difficult for me. Easy for you.
423
00:17:24,251 --> 00:17:25,291
Easy?
424
00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:26,955
Well, for a gorgeous creature
like you
425
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:29,514
there must be hundreds of guys
dying to meet you.
426
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:32,178
I guess that's what happened
to my date.
427
00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:34,887
Like to settle
for a live one who shows up.
428
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:40,019
Have you ever considered
taking an ad in the personals?
429
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,939
Me? Oh, no! No.
430
00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:45,768
I couldn't. No. I wouldn't.
431
00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:47,484
Forget it. Ha.
432
00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:52,572
You know, the people
that place those ads
433
00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:53,863
they're flakes.
434
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:57,526
Oh. I'm-I'm sure some very,
very nice people place ads.
435
00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:00,036
Mind you, I'm sure the ones
who answer them are a bit flaky.
436
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,999
Oh, I wouldn't say that at all.
No, I wouldn't.
437
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:03,289
I disagree with you. I think..
438
00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:07,002
I think some of them
are seriously looking for a..
439
00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:10,384
A real relationship,
I guess.
440
00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,172
[laughing]
441
00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:14,836
I don't, I don't suppose you
were here in response to one--
442
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,635
An ad? No. No. No. No. No.
443
00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:18,889
[laughing]
444
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,641
No. Of course not. No.
445
00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:23,732
- Are you here because--
- Oh, no way. No way.
446
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,689
The very thought.. Ha-ha-ha!
447
00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:26,939
Have you ever read those things?
448
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:28,820
Oh. There are so funny,
aren't they?
449
00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:31,857
- Ooh! Yes, they are.
- Oh, dear.
450
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:34,702
You know, the people
try to make themselves
451
00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:37,158
like, so good in their ads.
452
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:39,119
It's just like my mama
always used to say to me.
453
00:18:39,159 --> 00:18:42,449
She'd say, "Sugar,
the rosier the words
454
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:44,496
the thornier the man."
455
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:45,750
I'm sorry?
456
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,171
Oh. It's, uh,
it's an expression.
457
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:50,000
An old southern expression.
458
00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:52,375
- Oh. Y-you're southern?
- Yeah.
459
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,882
Well, I-I lived in the south,
if that's what you mean.
460
00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,385
- So..
- Okay.
461
00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:03,310
- You're Southern belle.
- Oh, my God.
462
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:06,150
Non-materialistic
British adventurer-scholar.
463
00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,266
Oh, my God!
464
00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:11,729
[indistinct mumbling]
465
00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:14,739
Utterly humiliating!
466
00:19:14,778 --> 00:19:16,198
Scholar-adventurer
467
00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:19,118
is not as humiliating
as Southern belle.
468
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:22,288
Oh! Well, that's true.
469
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:23,998
What are we gonna do?
470
00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:25,497
I don't.. You know, I think..
471
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:28,079
Uh, I think I-I can't stay here.
472
00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:29,955
- I really can't.
- Why?
473
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,002
Because I'm really embarrassed.
474
00:19:32,045 --> 00:19:35,005
Yeah, well, it's embarrassing,
but come on, it's funny.
475
00:19:35,048 --> 00:19:38,048
It's not funny. Listen, um..
476
00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:39,603
I would really appreciate this
477
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:41,046
if you didn't mention this
to anybody.
478
00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:44,176
Oh, the IHP will be desperate
to know. Ha-ha-ha!
479
00:19:44,224 --> 00:19:46,444
- You wouldn't.
- Oh, they'll be dying for me--
480
00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:48,646
- Oh, you couldn't. No.
- Oh.
481
00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:50,397
Listen, I think
it'd be inappropriate
482
00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:51,689
if you discuss this,
I would tell you
483
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:53,152
it's against school policy,
Billy.
484
00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,822
Please, would you listen to me?
485
00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:01,493
(Arvid)
'I don't know about this, guys.'
486
00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:03,333
(Dennis)
Okay. That's it.
Everybody back up.
487
00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,658
Let's give him some room.
Give him some room.
488
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,963
Okay. Arvid,
you're gonna be fine.
489
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,210
- Now, you feel good?
- No.
490
00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:12,381
Sarah, get his crash helmet on.
491
00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:15,459
Okay, Arvid, this suit
was especially designed
492
00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:16,915
so that you can't get hurt.
493
00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:18,715
Yeah, Arvid,
we designed it with three inches
494
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:20,509
of concentrated
polyurethane foam.
495
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:23,892
Yeah. And all the joints have
been vacuum molded to fit you.
496
00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:25,181
Okay, buddy, you're set.
497
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,684
Get ready to fall down
the stairs, alright?
498
00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:28,185
I'm gonna go ahead and make sure
that Aristotle
499
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,517
is ready with the F-stop,
he got everything..
500
00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:31,862
[Dennis screaming]
501
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,397
[indistinct chatter]
502
00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:41,162
[indistinct chatter]
503
00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:43,698
Listen, I'm-I'm okay. I'm okay.
504
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:45,082
Aristotle broke my fall.
505
00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:47,748
[instrumental music]
506
00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:52,080
So how was your date
last night, Billy?
507
00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:53,285
- 'Yeah!'
- Yeah!
508
00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:55,745
Yeah, Billy,
give us a full report.
509
00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,796
Well, I don't know if I should
tell you anything about her.
510
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:03,470
I've been kind of sworn
to secrecy on it.
511
00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:06,682
But what the heck?
How can I describe her?
512
00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:09,273
She was very beautiful, blond
513
00:21:09,309 --> 00:21:13,109
intelligent and very sexy.
514
00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:16,526
A bit like, mm, Kathleen Turner.
515
00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:19,396
Wow! So, Billy,
you think you'll see her again?
516
00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:22,914
Oh! And again
and again and again. Yes.
517
00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:23,988
Oh, yes, Bernadette?
518
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:26,622
I, uh, have some papers
for you to sign.
519
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:27,950
Oh, good.
520
00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:30,497
While I'm looking at these
521
00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:32,579
perhaps, you could, uh
522
00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:35,384
attempt to answer this question.
523
00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:39,337
Pierre and Marie Curie.
524
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:41,431
Will and Ariel Durant.
525
00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:43,836
Elizabeth and Robert Dole.
526
00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:45,795
Elizabeth Taylor
and Richard Burton.
527
00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:47,716
What do they all have in common?
528
00:21:47,764 --> 00:21:50,814
[indistinct chatter]
529
00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:56,765
They all met at work.
530
00:21:57,733 --> 00:21:59,943
Of course. None of them
worked at Fillmore.
531
00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:02,235
Oh, I don't know,
what about the shop teacher
532
00:22:02,279 --> 00:22:05,069
and the lady with the hairnet
who works in the cafeteria?
533
00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:07,075
They've been married
for 23 years.
534
00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:08,077
Really?
535
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:10,538
No, but wouldn't it be great
if they were?
536
00:22:15,542 --> 00:22:17,172
I like her. Don't you?
537
00:22:17,210 --> 00:22:20,260
[clamoring]
538
00:22:22,299 --> 00:22:25,009
[theme music]
40360
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.