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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,375 --> 00:00:03,085 [theme music] 2 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,852 Good morning, Miss Meara, listen, I need Dr. Samuels 3 00:00:14,889 --> 00:00:16,599 to sign this scholarship application form. 4 00:00:16,641 --> 00:00:17,731 Okay. Well, I'll take it in. 5 00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:19,137 Why don't you just wait right here? 6 00:00:19,185 --> 00:00:20,645 Yeah, yeah, but wait, you gotta make sure 7 00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:22,477 that he signs right there. 8 00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,572 - Okay. - And right there. 9 00:00:24,607 --> 00:00:26,027 (Meara) 'Okay. I'll take care of that.' 10 00:00:26,067 --> 00:00:28,107 - 'Alright?' - 'Okay. Great.' 11 00:00:30,613 --> 00:00:31,823 Good morning, Billy. 12 00:00:31,865 --> 00:00:33,575 Ah, Bernadette, hello. 13 00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:36,326 Listen, you're obviously a woman of culture and taste 14 00:00:36,369 --> 00:00:37,749 who appreciates great music. 15 00:00:37,787 --> 00:00:39,457 - Yes, I do. - Here it is. 16 00:00:39,497 --> 00:00:41,667 I've got two tickets to see the Rolling Stones. 17 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,208 Why, those tickets are worth a fortune. 18 00:00:43,251 --> 00:00:44,421 Where'd you get a pair of those? 19 00:00:44,461 --> 00:00:45,841 I won them, I was their millionth customer 20 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,089 at the Big Apple record store 21 00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:48,800 and that wasn't easy, let me tell you. 22 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,760 I had to go through that turnstile 57 times to get these. 23 00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:55,561 So how about it? Would you like some "Satisfaction?" 24 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:58,137 Uh, Billy, I make it a policy 25 00:00:58,183 --> 00:01:00,643 not to date the men I work with. 26 00:01:00,685 --> 00:01:02,725 Well, I wouldn't go out with Dr. Samuels either 27 00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:04,151 but it's me we're talking about 28 00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:06,069 Mrs. MacGregor's pride and joy. 29 00:01:06,107 --> 00:01:08,897 Thanks, but I have a very active social life 30 00:01:08,943 --> 00:01:11,033 away from the work place. 31 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:13,781 That makes one of us then, eh? 32 00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:17,043 I don't understand American women. I can't communicate. 33 00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:20,157 Not one date since I arrived in this place. 34 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:22,365 Hey! There's always the personals. 35 00:01:22,415 --> 00:01:24,245 Personals? That is for people who are lonely. 36 00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:27,252 Distressed, weird, far from home.. 37 00:01:27,295 --> 00:01:28,505 Give us a look at that. 38 00:01:28,546 --> 00:01:30,666 [instrumental music] 39 00:01:31,883 --> 00:01:34,303 [instrumental music] 40 00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:39,273 Come on, guys, we can win 10,000 bucks 41 00:01:39,307 --> 00:01:41,307 in "America's Funniest Home Video." 42 00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:42,731 Yeah, all we have to do is come up 43 00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:45,479 with something brilliant and clever, yet goofy. 44 00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:46,612 [bell rings] 45 00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:47,978 Morning, geniuses. 46 00:01:48,024 --> 00:01:49,944 - Good morning, Billy! - Good morning, Billy! 47 00:01:49,984 --> 00:01:51,824 What a great day to be alive. 48 00:01:51,861 --> 00:01:54,911 "O Life! How pleasant in thy morning." 49 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,778 "Young Fancy's rays the hills adorning." 50 00:01:57,826 --> 00:01:59,156 How impressive, Viki. 51 00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:00,502 Not many people could recognize 52 00:02:00,537 --> 00:02:03,867 and quote the great Robby Burns. 53 00:02:03,915 --> 00:02:05,075 [clears throat] 54 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:08,085 "'Twas not her golden ringlets bright. 55 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:11,418 "Her lips like roses, wet with dew. 56 00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:14,594 "Her heaving bosom, lily-white. 57 00:02:14,634 --> 00:02:17,644 It was her eyes, so bonny-blue." 58 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:19,759 If you've hit enough on the bonny lass 59 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:22,426 can we please get on with history class? 60 00:02:23,393 --> 00:02:25,063 Oh! 61 00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:28,023 Do I detect a little boy-girl tension here? 62 00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:29,364 - 'Yes.' - 'Yeah.' 63 00:02:29,399 --> 00:02:30,569 (Billy) Okay. 64 00:02:30,608 --> 00:02:32,988 Immigration. Ellis Island. 65 00:02:33,027 --> 00:02:34,237 'Right after the Civil War' 66 00:02:34,279 --> 00:02:36,869 the government actively encouraged immigration 67 00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,776 from Eastern and Southern Europe. 68 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,325 The people arrived in the millions 69 00:02:40,368 --> 00:02:43,198 and the first thing they saw as they arrived on the boats 70 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:47,666 was the Statue of Liberty, with the torch of freedom held high. 71 00:02:48,376 --> 00:02:49,786 Personally, I flew here 72 00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:51,836 and the first thing I saw was a Hare Krishna 73 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,300 with his handout. 74 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,929 But that inscription still inspires. 75 00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:57,137 "Bring me your tired, your poor 76 00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:00,217 "your huddled masses yearning to breathe free 77 00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:02,933 the wretched refuse of your teeming shores." 78 00:03:02,974 --> 00:03:05,484 Sort of a mixed message, isn't it, really? 79 00:03:05,518 --> 00:03:09,478 Welcome to America, you wretched refuse. 80 00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,942 Mind you, that's how I've been feeling lately. 81 00:03:11,983 --> 00:03:13,823 Wretched, refused. 82 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:14,900 - Aw! - Aw! 83 00:03:14,944 --> 00:03:18,414 That is, until I found the personal ads. 84 00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:19,618 - 'Really?' - Wa-wait. 85 00:03:19,657 --> 00:03:21,657 You answered an ad in the personals? 86 00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,121 No. I answered 14 of them. 87 00:03:24,162 --> 00:03:26,292 And there are six wonderful women 88 00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:28,671 willing to step out with me. 89 00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:30,785 - 'Now--' - Wait a minute, Billy. 90 00:03:30,835 --> 00:03:33,415 Before you start dabbing cologne on your pulse points 91 00:03:33,463 --> 00:03:35,803 some of these women are looking for friendship 92 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,180 some are looking for marriage 93 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:40,797 and some for cheap thrills. What are you looking for? 94 00:03:40,845 --> 00:03:43,555 I am looking for friendship, marriage and cheap thrills 95 00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:46,018 but not necessarily in that order. 96 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,019 And I hope to hit it off before the 23rd 97 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,561 so I can have a date to go and see the Stones. 98 00:03:50,605 --> 00:03:52,145 Okay, Billy, here's what you do. 99 00:03:52,190 --> 00:03:55,360 You get a table someplace neutral, yet non-threatening 100 00:03:55,401 --> 00:03:56,991 like a coffee shop in the Village. 101 00:03:57,028 --> 00:04:00,818 And then, you arrange to meet one date at, say, six o'clock. 102 00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:02,445 Alright, and then you meet the next one 103 00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,452 at another coffee shop at 7:00. 104 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:06,664 Then keep doing that in different coffee shops 105 00:04:06,704 --> 00:04:07,874 until you've met the right one. 106 00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,544 - 'Yeah.' - Or until your kidneys explode. 107 00:04:10,583 --> 00:04:13,633 [instrumental music] 108 00:04:14,671 --> 00:04:17,721 'If this doesn't win "America's Funniest Home Videos"' 109 00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:18,877 nothing will. 110 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,715 Yeah. Falling down the stairs. That's fresh! 111 00:04:21,761 --> 00:04:23,431 - Yeah. - I don't know, guys. 112 00:04:23,471 --> 00:04:25,271 I mean, shouldn't we be thinking about getting into college? 113 00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:26,806 I heard that they don't like anything 114 00:04:26,849 --> 00:04:30,349 that's too staged on that show or that's too dangerous. 115 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,805 Oh, don't worry about it. Nobody is gonna get hurt. 116 00:04:32,855 --> 00:04:34,265 - Okay. - Okay? Alright. 117 00:04:34,315 --> 00:04:35,775 Now, who's gonna fall down the stairs? 118 00:04:35,817 --> 00:04:37,817 - Oh, not me. - Not me. No way. 119 00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:40,320 Uh, T.J., you do it. 120 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,374 Who, me? I'm not gonna do it. 121 00:04:43,408 --> 00:04:46,078 - Why don't you do it? - No, no, no, no, no, no. 122 00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:48,159 I'm the director and it's my camera. 123 00:04:48,204 --> 00:04:51,004 Okay. Well, now, I'm the director and it's my camera. 124 00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,380 So get your bony butt up those stairs. 125 00:04:53,418 --> 00:04:54,838 [laughs] 126 00:04:54,877 --> 00:04:56,547 I'm not fallin' down those stairs. 127 00:04:56,587 --> 00:04:58,507 Oh, but you expect me, your girlfriend 128 00:04:58,548 --> 00:05:02,218 to fall down the stairs? You know how fragile I am. 129 00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:08,351 Dennis, Dennis, Dennis, my main man! 130 00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:09,641 We're doin' a video for 131 00:05:09,684 --> 00:05:12,104 "America's Funniest Home Videos." 132 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,515 And I was wondering if maybe you could help us out. 133 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:15,864 - 'Yeah.' - You know, what do you think? 134 00:05:15,898 --> 00:05:17,228 What do you say? What do you say? 135 00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:19,565 If we win, do I get part of the 10,000 bucks? 136 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:21,860 - Oh, yes. - Uh-huh. 137 00:05:21,904 --> 00:05:22,954 Okay. What do you want me to do? 138 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,819 - Fall down the stairs. - That's all. 139 00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:27,286 - Piece of cake. Piece of cake. - Hm. Tsk. 140 00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:30,537 Love the concept. Let me recast it. 141 00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:35,209 - Arvid. - Yeah. 142 00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:36,501 How would you like to be on 143 00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:37,924 "America's Funniest Home Videos?" 144 00:05:37,962 --> 00:05:39,342 - 'Yeah.' - Hey, that'd be great! 145 00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:40,970 You know, I do an impression of Albert Einstein 146 00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:43,217 the math club thinks is a real hoot. 147 00:05:43,259 --> 00:05:45,349 - Huh. - Yeah. 148 00:05:45,386 --> 00:05:46,596 I'm sure it is, but listen 149 00:05:46,637 --> 00:05:48,597 I-I was thinking more of a-a guy falling down 150 00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:51,389 a big flight of stairs, carrying a stack of books. 151 00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:52,984 [indistinct chatter] 152 00:05:53,019 --> 00:05:54,849 You know, that'd be funny, too. 153 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:59,686 Just picture it. A nerdy guy with geeky clothes and glasses. 154 00:06:01,486 --> 00:06:04,236 I get it. You know, you know, that's not fair. 155 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:07,830 It really, I mean, I-I-I maybe a tad, uh, unique 156 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:10,537 but you know, I-I am not some-some clumsy nerd. 157 00:06:10,578 --> 00:06:11,908 Uh, uh, y-you see? 158 00:06:11,954 --> 00:06:13,504 You thought I was gonna bump into that, didn't you? 159 00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:15,999 Well, you can just forget it. I am not.. Ooh. 160 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:19,002 [instrumental music] 161 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:21,915 [school bell ringing] 162 00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:24,514 Okay, class, before we start.. 163 00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:26,183 ...are there any questions 164 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:27,759 about the things we discussed yesterday? 165 00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:30,434 Yeah, Billy. How was your group date last night? 166 00:06:30,473 --> 00:06:32,103 - 'Oh, yeah.' - Yeah. 167 00:06:32,141 --> 00:06:34,771 It was great. I mean, American women are terrific. 168 00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:36,311 Bizarre, but terrific. 169 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:40,324 The first one was really nice for a Satanist. 170 00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:42,608 I mean, I don't know about you, but I think inverted crucifixes 171 00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:46,362 and black candles are kind of passe as a fashion statement. 172 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,566 'The second one was extraordinary.' 173 00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:49,776 She announced straight off 174 00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:51,236 that her biological clock was ticking. 175 00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:53,575 I'm sure it went off right there in the restaurant. 176 00:06:53,621 --> 00:06:54,911 And then who else was there? 177 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,666 Oh, there was that wonderful woman. 178 00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:57,997 A museum curator. 179 00:06:58,042 --> 00:07:01,302 She announced that most of her favorite things were dead. 180 00:07:01,337 --> 00:07:02,707 'Really, I had to get out of there' 181 00:07:02,755 --> 00:07:05,335 before the conversation got around to chainsaws. 182 00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:07,053 Yeah. Then there was the stockbroker. 183 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:10,643 She arrived with a laptop computer and a cellular phone. 184 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,560 I couldn't get a word in edgeways. 185 00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:14,728 I'm gonna have to fax her goodbye 186 00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:17,937 but then there was the beast. 187 00:07:17,979 --> 00:07:21,189 I've never saw a woman like her in my entire life. 188 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:24,402 She had a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp. 189 00:07:25,736 --> 00:07:28,156 Breath, I've never known, but this woman 190 00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:30,577 this woman's breath.. 191 00:07:30,616 --> 00:07:34,576 Everything this woman says to me begins with an H. 192 00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:38,290 "Have a nice day. How are you doing? 193 00:07:38,332 --> 00:07:39,832 Are you havin' a nice time?" 194 00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:42,956 My hair's changing color. My eyes are burning. 195 00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:45,384 I can.. Well, I'm looking for somewhere to hide. 196 00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:48,013 She breathing, I'm trying to synchronize her breath 197 00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,600 so as we're both breathing out at the same time. 198 00:07:50,636 --> 00:07:53,846 [exhaling] 199 00:07:56,184 --> 00:07:59,314 This, this woman thinks I'm having a stroke. 200 00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:01,653 She's-she's gonna give me the kiss of life. 201 00:08:01,689 --> 00:08:04,149 I saw her mouth coming towards me 202 00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:06,112 her mouth like an open grave. 203 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,702 And clamps over my face. 204 00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:11,407 It's like being smashed in the face with half a watermelon. 205 00:08:11,449 --> 00:08:12,779 Oh. Help! 206 00:08:12,825 --> 00:08:14,695 But the last one 207 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:18,924 was an absolute knockout. 208 00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:21,036 Tall, big eyes 209 00:08:21,083 --> 00:08:22,383 beautiful full lips 210 00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:24,918 and the loveliest long black hair. 211 00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:26,922 And we had so much in common. 212 00:08:26,964 --> 00:08:28,134 - 'Good.' - Oh, yeah. 213 00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,184 We're both sports fanatics. 214 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,258 - We're both movie buffs. - 'Yeah.' 215 00:08:32,303 --> 00:08:33,473 We're both men. 216 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,723 [indistinct chatter] 217 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:38,135 I got some great tips on eyeliner 218 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,774 if any of you ladies are interested. 219 00:08:40,811 --> 00:08:43,111 Uh, so are you gonna see any of them again? 220 00:08:43,147 --> 00:08:46,107 Only in recurring nightmares, I should imagine. 221 00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:48,323 So what're you gonna do now? 222 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:51,071 Now I'm gonna keep my love life out of this class. 223 00:08:51,113 --> 00:08:53,123 That's what I'm gonna do, and I'm gonna concentrate 224 00:08:53,157 --> 00:08:56,447 on things I really know about, like, history, for instance. 225 00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:57,624 - Nicaragua. - 'Alright.' 226 00:08:57,662 --> 00:08:58,702 [indistinct chatter] 227 00:08:58,746 --> 00:09:01,036 Somoza called himself president. 228 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,832 The Sandinistas called him a dictator. 229 00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,585 They call themselves freedom fighters. 230 00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:07,087 He called them commie terrorists 231 00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:09,129 so they kicked him out. Then they were in charge. 232 00:09:09,173 --> 00:09:11,723 Ronald Reagan called them commie oppressors 233 00:09:11,759 --> 00:09:14,469 and he sent in the Contras, whom he called freedom fighters 234 00:09:14,512 --> 00:09:16,852 and they called mercenary terrorists. 235 00:09:16,889 --> 00:09:19,059 So b-basically, what you're called 236 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:21,270 depends largely on who's doing the talking 237 00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:23,900 because hypocrisy is the Vaseline 238 00:09:23,938 --> 00:09:26,608 of political intercourse. 239 00:09:27,024 --> 00:09:28,784 [laughing] 240 00:09:30,736 --> 00:09:32,236 They didn't like what they saw 241 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,530 so they changed it to make it sound better 242 00:09:34,574 --> 00:09:37,874 just like in these personal ads. 243 00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:42,620 It sounds great, but it's all lies. 244 00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,585 Well, uh, maybe you could place your own ad. 245 00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:47,416 Oh, hey, and, hey, lie about yourself. 246 00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:48,631 - Yeah, that's right. - Yeah. 247 00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,011 Billy, if you place your own ad 248 00:09:50,047 --> 00:09:51,507 instead of answering other people's 249 00:09:51,549 --> 00:09:54,049 you'll get the kind of woman that you really want. 250 00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:56,513 - And we'll help you write it. - Yeah. 251 00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:58,144 Now, listen, kids, I'm not opposed 252 00:09:58,180 --> 00:09:59,220 to placin' one of those ads 253 00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,595 but it would really have to be honest. 254 00:10:00,641 --> 00:10:03,061 - Okay? - You want honesty? No problem. 255 00:10:03,102 --> 00:10:06,362 Lonely immigrant needs date. No questions asked. 256 00:10:06,397 --> 00:10:09,277 Oh! Come on! I didn't mean that honest. 257 00:10:09,317 --> 00:10:11,857 Okay. Okay. Yo! Yo! Yo! How about this? 258 00:10:11,902 --> 00:10:13,992 Poor Scottish dude is seekin' a date. 259 00:10:14,030 --> 00:10:15,200 Oh, that sounds dreadful. 260 00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:16,619 Couldn't we color it up a bit, you know 261 00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:17,867 without lying, I mean. 262 00:10:17,908 --> 00:10:19,448 Sure. You don't have to say Scottish. 263 00:10:19,493 --> 00:10:21,003 It sounds better to say British. 264 00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:22,327 - 'Yeah!' - 'He's right.' 265 00:10:22,371 --> 00:10:24,081 And, Billy, you're not just a teacher 266 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:25,293 you're a scholar. 267 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,883 B-but scholar sounds so stuffy. You've traveled the world. 268 00:10:27,918 --> 00:10:29,748 I mean, Nepal, Australia, Africa, right? 269 00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:31,505 - Right. - Scholar adventurer. 270 00:10:31,547 --> 00:10:32,587 - Yeah! - Yeah! 271 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:33,802 That's not too much of a stretch. 272 00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:35,051 No. We need somethin' else. 273 00:10:35,092 --> 00:10:37,262 We gotta put in somethin' about your looks. 274 00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:39,313 Oh. I think he looks ethereal. 275 00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:41,767 Ethereal? How does somebody look ethereal? 276 00:10:41,807 --> 00:10:43,517 I think he's sort of rugged-looking. 277 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:44,849 - 'Yes!' - 'Uh-huh. Uh-huh.' 278 00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:47,814 No. No. He's too sensitive to look rugged. 279 00:10:47,855 --> 00:10:49,815 - 'Yeah.' - Okay. You're cute. 280 00:10:49,857 --> 00:10:52,277 [chuckles] He's not cute, he's a grown man. 281 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,738 He's...handsome. 282 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:55,948 No! No! No! No! Please, girls. 283 00:10:55,988 --> 00:10:58,408 I'm not handsome. I'm kind of, uh.. 284 00:10:58,449 --> 00:11:00,159 Attractive. 285 00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:02,161 In-in a manly way. 286 00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:03,833 - Right. Right. Right. - Okay. 287 00:11:03,871 --> 00:11:05,461 Alright. Let's see what we got here, hang on. 288 00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:09,128 "Attractive, British scholar adventurer is desperate." 289 00:11:09,168 --> 00:11:10,798 - We can't write desperate. - Okay. Okay. 290 00:11:10,836 --> 00:11:13,206 - Change desperate to yearning. - 'Yeah!' 291 00:11:13,255 --> 00:11:15,415 Yearning. Yearning. Yearning for a date? 292 00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:17,926 No. No. No. A meaningful relationship. 293 00:11:17,968 --> 00:11:19,388 - 'Yeah.' - Meaningful rel.. 294 00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:21,058 - Okay. What about poor? - No. Rich. 295 00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:22,807 Oh, no. That's what I was talkin' about before. 296 00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:23,888 I don't want to lie. 297 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:26,643 - Very, very poor. - Oh, come on. 298 00:11:26,686 --> 00:11:30,106 Just because money isn't top of my list of priorities? 299 00:11:30,147 --> 00:11:32,147 Okay. Money no object. 300 00:11:32,191 --> 00:11:34,281 Hey, I've got it. Non-materialistic. 301 00:11:34,318 --> 00:11:35,778 - Yeah! - That's right. 302 00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,700 Alright. Alright. Alright. Let's listen. Here. 303 00:11:37,738 --> 00:11:40,828 "Attractive, non-materialistic, British scholar-adventurer 304 00:11:40,866 --> 00:11:42,486 yearning for meaningful relationship." 305 00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,535 - 'Oh!' - That's great! 306 00:11:44,578 --> 00:11:46,118 Sounds great, but it's not me. 307 00:11:46,163 --> 00:11:48,333 That's Lawrence of bloody Arabia, you know? 308 00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:50,084 [indistinct chatter] 309 00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:53,751 Goodnight. 310 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,696 Hello? Yeah. 311 00:12:18,738 --> 00:12:22,988 I'd like to place an ad in your personal section. 312 00:12:23,033 --> 00:12:24,413 Yeah. 313 00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:27,912 Attractive, non-materialistic 314 00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:30,915 British scholar-adventurer. 315 00:12:30,958 --> 00:12:32,998 [instrumental music] 316 00:12:34,378 --> 00:12:37,048 [instrumental music] 317 00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:40,676 - Good morning, kids. - Hey, Billy. 318 00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:42,178 Did you get any replies to our ad? 319 00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:44,389 What? Fantastic! I got dozens. Look. 320 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:49,140 Oh, see? Never underestimate the power of the big lie. 321 00:12:49,185 --> 00:12:50,935 So which one are you gonna call? 322 00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:53,518 This one looks really promising. Look at this. 323 00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:58,937 "Southern belle who loves foreign travel 324 00:12:58,986 --> 00:13:01,236 "Bloomsbury Set and Wilson Pickett. 325 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:04,410 College graduate. Warmth more important than wealth." 326 00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,200 Apart from the Southern belle part, this sounds like me. 327 00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:09,374 - So call her up. - Yeah. Call her. 328 00:13:09,413 --> 00:13:11,753 I don't know. I-I don't know if it's such a good idea. 329 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:14,711 I mean, this is obviously a sophisticated classy woman. 330 00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:15,962 She'll see right through me. 331 00:13:16,003 --> 00:13:17,963 I mean, I'm nothing like the guy in the ad. 332 00:13:18,005 --> 00:13:20,715 - Exactly. That's why it worked. - Just call her. 333 00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:22,338 [indistinct chatter] 334 00:13:22,384 --> 00:13:24,054 [instrumental music] 335 00:13:24,094 --> 00:13:26,724 (woman on answering machine) 'Hi, it's me, but you know that, 'cause I'm not here.' 336 00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:28,974 'Wait a second. There is someone at the door.' 337 00:13:29,016 --> 00:13:30,936 'Uh. No. It wasn't me.' 338 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,186 'So please, leave a message and I'll call you back.' 339 00:13:33,229 --> 00:13:34,939 'Thanks, bye.' 340 00:13:34,980 --> 00:13:37,190 (Billy on answering machine) 'Hello, non-materialistic' 341 00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,403 'British scholar-adventurer here' 342 00:13:39,443 --> 00:13:40,993 'calling in response to your letter.' 343 00:13:41,028 --> 00:13:43,568 Perhaps, we could arrange a bit of a rendezvous 344 00:13:43,614 --> 00:13:46,744 say, Cafe Espresso, 7:30 tonight? 345 00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,834 [instrumental music] 346 00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:09,600 [sighs] 347 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,689 Bernadette, what a nice surprise. 348 00:14:18,732 --> 00:14:20,612 Oh, well, I must be running along. 349 00:14:20,651 --> 00:14:22,071 - Oh? - Yeah. Yeah. 350 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:23,861 I'm meeting a date and it's a little policy of mine 351 00:14:23,904 --> 00:14:25,744 never to use my best lines in front of someone 352 00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:28,081 I may have to use them on later. 353 00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:29,867 I don't know how you do it. 354 00:14:29,910 --> 00:14:31,790 I am surprised that you have the strength 355 00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:33,459 to pick up the chalk in the mornings. 356 00:14:33,497 --> 00:14:35,117 Oh, really? And I suppose you're meeting someone? 357 00:14:35,165 --> 00:14:36,625 - Oh, yes. Yes. - Well, that does it. 358 00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,337 Look, for both our sakes, I'll find another table. 359 00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,587 You know, I don't think that there are any. 360 00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:42,589 Well, maybe I can meet her outside, huh? 361 00:14:42,631 --> 00:14:45,431 At the tattoo parlor? Tacky. 362 00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:46,927 Besides, you'll lose your table. 363 00:14:46,969 --> 00:14:49,219 Good point. Look, I just don't want you 364 00:14:49,263 --> 00:14:52,313 to feel uncomfortable here when you look over and see 365 00:14:52,349 --> 00:14:54,059 what you're missin' out on. 366 00:14:54,101 --> 00:14:56,811 You know, I'm going to enjoy every oily word you ooze 367 00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:59,694 at that poor, unsuspecting, innocent female. 368 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,442 The woman I'm meeting is neither poor, nor unsuspecting. 369 00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:06,534 And when it comes to innocence, I'll see she gets a fair trial. 370 00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,122 - I bet you will. - Hm. 371 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:10,657 So who are you meeting? The Prince of Wales? 372 00:15:10,701 --> 00:15:12,371 How'd you know? 373 00:15:14,204 --> 00:15:15,714 Hm.. 374 00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,248 [sighs] 375 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,963 [whistling] 376 00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:29,046 I thought the fire drill today was extraordinary. 377 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:37,190 Yep. 378 00:15:38,228 --> 00:15:41,978 That was one hell of a fire drill. 379 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,610 Oh, well, if you're not gonna talk 380 00:15:47,655 --> 00:15:50,025 you might want to hear some air piano, huh? 381 00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:52,534 [humming] I'm very good at it, you know? 382 00:15:52,576 --> 00:15:54,576 I can do cross hands and everything. 383 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:55,910 [humming] 384 00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,955 Air piano? Oh. 385 00:15:57,998 --> 00:15:59,418 [humming] 386 00:16:00,542 --> 00:16:03,632 Do you know, if you don't mind my saying 387 00:16:03,671 --> 00:16:06,591 I don't think much of your date. 388 00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:09,092 Well, you are not dating my date, are you? 389 00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:11,224 Neither are you, apparently. 390 00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:14,812 The man must be a bloody fool. 391 00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:16,678 I mean, look at you. You're an incredible goddess. 392 00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,805 Sitting in here, whiling the time away 393 00:16:18,852 --> 00:16:22,152 in a sleazy coffee bar. He needs his head examined. 394 00:16:22,189 --> 00:16:24,899 You're flattering me again and I don't buy it. 395 00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:26,322 Well, let's go and eat someplace 396 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,860 and I'll tell you how ugly you are. 397 00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:30,323 Well, I, no, I-I couldn't do that. 398 00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:33,124 Although, it is 'cause it'd be kind of ridiculous, isn't it? 399 00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:34,788 [laughs] 400 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:38,037 Look, maybe you could explain something to me. 401 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,830 How do you get to meet people in this city? 402 00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:44,285 - What's wrong with her? - Oh. 403 00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:48,916 Nice legs. Unfortunately, there seem to be four of them. 404 00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:50,336 [chuckles] 405 00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:52,304 Is it really a problem for you? 406 00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:53,354 Yeah. 407 00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,137 Well, what about those people from back home? 408 00:16:55,180 --> 00:16:56,600 I mean, there must be lots of them here. 409 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:57,600 I'm sure there are. 410 00:16:57,641 --> 00:16:58,931 I mean, this place is supposed to be 411 00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:00,766 the big melting pot, isn't it? 412 00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:02,601 But in this town, there's a little Italy 413 00:17:02,646 --> 00:17:05,436 there's a little Tokyo, there's no little Scotland. 414 00:17:05,482 --> 00:17:07,992 When I feel homesick, I have to go to Chinatown. 415 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,277 Why Chinatown? 416 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:11,989 It reminds me of the one in Glasgow. 417 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:13,321 I'm sorry. 418 00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:16,155 I-it never occurred to me that you might be lonely here. 419 00:17:16,201 --> 00:17:17,581 Well, I'm not so much lonely. 420 00:17:17,619 --> 00:17:19,459 I just find it difficult to meet people. 421 00:17:19,496 --> 00:17:22,456 Well, New York is a difficult city. 422 00:17:22,499 --> 00:17:24,209 Difficult for me. Easy for you. 423 00:17:24,251 --> 00:17:25,291 Easy? 424 00:17:25,335 --> 00:17:26,955 Well, for a gorgeous creature like you 425 00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:29,514 there must be hundreds of guys dying to meet you. 426 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:32,178 I guess that's what happened to my date. 427 00:17:32,217 --> 00:17:34,887 Like to settle for a live one who shows up. 428 00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:40,019 Have you ever considered taking an ad in the personals? 429 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,939 Me? Oh, no! No. 430 00:17:42,978 --> 00:17:45,768 I couldn't. No. I wouldn't. 431 00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:47,484 Forget it. Ha. 432 00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:52,572 You know, the people that place those ads 433 00:17:52,613 --> 00:17:53,863 they're flakes. 434 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:57,526 Oh. I'm-I'm sure some very, very nice people place ads. 435 00:17:57,576 --> 00:18:00,036 Mind you, I'm sure the ones who answer them are a bit flaky. 436 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,999 Oh, I wouldn't say that at all. No, I wouldn't. 437 00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:03,289 I disagree with you. I think.. 438 00:18:03,332 --> 00:18:07,002 I think some of them are seriously looking for a.. 439 00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:10,384 A real relationship, I guess. 440 00:18:10,422 --> 00:18:12,172 [laughing] 441 00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:14,836 I don't, I don't suppose you were here in response to one-- 442 00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:17,635 An ad? No. No. No. No. No. 443 00:18:17,679 --> 00:18:18,889 [laughing] 444 00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:20,641 No. Of course not. No. 445 00:18:20,682 --> 00:18:23,732 - Are you here because-- - Oh, no way. No way. 446 00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,689 The very thought.. Ha-ha-ha! 447 00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:26,939 Have you ever read those things? 448 00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:28,820 Oh. There are so funny, aren't they? 449 00:18:28,857 --> 00:18:31,857 - Ooh! Yes, they are. - Oh, dear. 450 00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:34,702 You know, the people try to make themselves 451 00:18:34,738 --> 00:18:37,158 like, so good in their ads. 452 00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:39,119 It's just like my mama always used to say to me. 453 00:18:39,159 --> 00:18:42,449 She'd say, "Sugar, the rosier the words 454 00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:44,496 the thornier the man." 455 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:45,750 I'm sorry? 456 00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:48,171 Oh. It's, uh, it's an expression. 457 00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:50,000 An old southern expression. 458 00:18:50,045 --> 00:18:52,375 - Oh. Y-you're southern? - Yeah. 459 00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,882 Well, I-I lived in the south, if that's what you mean. 460 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:56,385 - So.. - Okay. 461 00:18:59,930 --> 00:19:03,310 - You're Southern belle. - Oh, my God. 462 00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:06,150 Non-materialistic British adventurer-scholar. 463 00:19:06,186 --> 00:19:08,266 Oh, my God! 464 00:19:09,189 --> 00:19:11,729 [indistinct mumbling] 465 00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:14,739 Utterly humiliating! 466 00:19:14,778 --> 00:19:16,198 Scholar-adventurer 467 00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:19,118 is not as humiliating as Southern belle. 468 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:22,288 Oh! Well, that's true. 469 00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:23,998 What are we gonna do? 470 00:19:24,037 --> 00:19:25,497 I don't.. You know, I think.. 471 00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:28,079 Uh, I think I-I can't stay here. 472 00:19:28,125 --> 00:19:29,955 - I really can't. - Why? 473 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,002 Because I'm really embarrassed. 474 00:19:32,045 --> 00:19:35,005 Yeah, well, it's embarrassing, but come on, it's funny. 475 00:19:35,048 --> 00:19:38,048 It's not funny. Listen, um.. 476 00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:39,603 I would really appreciate this 477 00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:41,046 if you didn't mention this to anybody. 478 00:19:41,096 --> 00:19:44,176 Oh, the IHP will be desperate to know. Ha-ha-ha! 479 00:19:44,224 --> 00:19:46,444 - You wouldn't. - Oh, they'll be dying for me-- 480 00:19:46,476 --> 00:19:48,646 - Oh, you couldn't. No. - Oh. 481 00:19:48,687 --> 00:19:50,397 Listen, I think it'd be inappropriate 482 00:19:50,439 --> 00:19:51,689 if you discuss this, I would tell you 483 00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:53,152 it's against school policy, Billy. 484 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,822 Please, would you listen to me? 485 00:20:00,073 --> 00:20:01,493 (Arvid) 'I don't know about this, guys.' 486 00:20:01,533 --> 00:20:03,333 (Dennis) Okay. That's it. Everybody back up. 487 00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,658 Let's give him some room. Give him some room. 488 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:09,963 Okay. Arvid, you're gonna be fine. 489 00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,210 - Now, you feel good? - No. 490 00:20:11,251 --> 00:20:12,381 Sarah, get his crash helmet on. 491 00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:15,459 Okay, Arvid, this suit was especially designed 492 00:20:15,505 --> 00:20:16,915 so that you can't get hurt. 493 00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:18,715 Yeah, Arvid, we designed it with three inches 494 00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:20,509 of concentrated polyurethane foam. 495 00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:23,892 Yeah. And all the joints have been vacuum molded to fit you. 496 00:20:23,931 --> 00:20:25,181 Okay, buddy, you're set. 497 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,684 Get ready to fall down the stairs, alright? 498 00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:28,185 I'm gonna go ahead and make sure that Aristotle 499 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,517 is ready with the F-stop, he got everything.. 500 00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:31,862 [Dennis screaming] 501 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,397 [indistinct chatter] 502 00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:41,162 [indistinct chatter] 503 00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:43,698 Listen, I'm-I'm okay. I'm okay. 504 00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:45,082 Aristotle broke my fall. 505 00:20:45,118 --> 00:20:47,748 [instrumental music] 506 00:20:48,580 --> 00:20:52,080 So how was your date last night, Billy? 507 00:20:52,125 --> 00:20:53,285 - 'Yeah!' - Yeah! 508 00:20:53,335 --> 00:20:55,745 Yeah, Billy, give us a full report. 509 00:20:55,796 --> 00:20:58,796 Well, I don't know if I should tell you anything about her. 510 00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:03,470 I've been kind of sworn to secrecy on it. 511 00:21:03,512 --> 00:21:06,682 But what the heck? How can I describe her? 512 00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:09,273 She was very beautiful, blond 513 00:21:09,309 --> 00:21:13,109 intelligent and very sexy. 514 00:21:13,146 --> 00:21:16,526 A bit like, mm, Kathleen Turner. 515 00:21:16,566 --> 00:21:19,396 Wow! So, Billy, you think you'll see her again? 516 00:21:19,444 --> 00:21:22,914 Oh! And again and again and again. Yes. 517 00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:23,988 Oh, yes, Bernadette? 518 00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:26,622 I, uh, have some papers for you to sign. 519 00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:27,950 Oh, good. 520 00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:30,497 While I'm looking at these 521 00:21:30,539 --> 00:21:32,579 perhaps, you could, uh 522 00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:35,384 attempt to answer this question. 523 00:21:37,087 --> 00:21:39,337 Pierre and Marie Curie. 524 00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:41,431 Will and Ariel Durant. 525 00:21:41,466 --> 00:21:43,836 Elizabeth and Robert Dole. 526 00:21:43,885 --> 00:21:45,795 Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton. 527 00:21:45,846 --> 00:21:47,716 What do they all have in common? 528 00:21:47,764 --> 00:21:50,814 [indistinct chatter] 529 00:21:54,855 --> 00:21:56,765 They all met at work. 530 00:21:57,733 --> 00:21:59,943 Of course. None of them worked at Fillmore. 531 00:21:59,985 --> 00:22:02,235 Oh, I don't know, what about the shop teacher 532 00:22:02,279 --> 00:22:05,069 and the lady with the hairnet who works in the cafeteria? 533 00:22:05,115 --> 00:22:07,075 They've been married for 23 years. 534 00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:08,077 Really? 535 00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:10,538 No, but wouldn't it be great if they were? 536 00:22:15,542 --> 00:22:17,172 I like her. Don't you? 537 00:22:17,210 --> 00:22:20,260 [clamoring] 538 00:22:22,299 --> 00:22:25,009 [theme music] 40360

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