Original subtitles

[theme music]

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[instrumental music]

Yabba-dabba-doo!

This thing on?

Ah, isn't this great, Mr. Moore?

This is one stop on their tour the Russians won't forget.

After today, the red menace will have red faces.

Why don't we just nuke 'em and forget it?

Ah, come on, Mr. Moore.

I realized they're just kids.

Well, you got to grow up.

This the American school system

against the Soviet school system.

The best of theirs against the best of ours.

In a friendly competition.

Call it anything you want.

But I consider it my patriotic duty

to kick the Russian Bear.

Good luck.

You guys aren't gonna miss the Russians, are you?

This is gonna be hot.

Uh, we're not interested.

Me and friend got more important things to do.

Hey, Richie, I can speak for myself.

So?

I might check it out.

Good, I think the team would like to see you.

Are you really gonna go watch your little geek friends

against the nerd nicks from Russia?

Give me a break, alright, Richie?

Mr. Moore, we've been hearing

the most ridiculous things about the Russian team.

Of course you have, they've probably been hearing

ridiculous things about you too.

I heard they're all test-tube babies

put in state-run schools just to get ready for this.

Yes, and their brains are injected with steroids

to bloat them to twice their normal size.

Typical liberal attitude, Mr. Moore.

I mean, you think if you joke about this

the problem's gonna go away.

But this is the evil empire we're talkin' about here.

Well, we know their new five-year plan.

First, the IHP, then Harvard

and then Congress!

Look, the Russians have a lot to lose.

I-if they don't win, they're gonna end up

working in the ball bearing factory in Siberia.

Whereas if we lose, we end up

working in a Taco Bell in Kansas.

Mr. Moore, uh, the Russian team is here

and I'm worried I can't find Dr. Samuels.

I doubt he'd defect, um..

Maybe they're torturing him in the cafeteria.

- Mr. Moore. - What?

Bring 'em in, we'll say hello.

[indistinct chatter]

May I present Mr. Sobieski

and the members of the Soviet academic team.

Come in, all of you, please come in.

Say something. Say hello.

[speaking in foreign language]

Hi.

- Hi. - Hello.

By the way, call me Charlie.

- Mikhail. - Mikhail, okay.

- Da. - No. you-you see..

Da.

You dress well for an American student.

Are you a yupski?

Excuse me, it's top secret.

For you, maybe, for us, baby stuff.

Did you see "Rocky IV?"

Uh, t-t.. Mr. Sobieski, I'll show you to the gym.

[speaking in foreign language]

[indistinct chatter]

(Mr. Sobieski) 'Uh, Boris, Boris. Hush.'

Well, was that so bad?

That's it, I'm officially terrified.

Yeah, did you see the frontal lobe on that guy?

The little one had glasses this thick.

A-and did you see the math guy?

Two pocket protectors.

You can look at them as enemies..

...or possible future friends.

I mean, personally, I think it'd be more exciting

to get to know them, than just beat them.

Mr. Moore, we're into competition.

Well, competition's okay, but winning isn't everything.

Uh...20 years from now, it could be you

sitting across the negotiating table from them.

Trying to get what you want

without blowing the rest of the world up.

I mean, from my point of view you'd have to be a raving

paranoid to think of these Russian kids as the enemy.

- Yeah, you're right. - Yeah.

The enemy has arrived.

Alright, everyone, it is getting close.

Forget you are up against the most formidable opponent

you will ever face.

Forget you will be representing

the entire American educational system.

Forget that every student, every teacher

every school in the free world is counting on you.

He's right.

Let's forget the whole thing and go bowling.

I feel sick.

What's wrong with you people?

Well, maybe your pep talk was a little hard to swallow.

No, sir, I-I really am sick.

I must've eaten something bad last night.

Jawaharlal, you cannot be sick now.

Now, uh-uh- repeat after me.

I am not sick.

That's right, you are not sick, I am.

You'll be fine.

Just go down to the nurse's office.

Everything is going to be alright.

Take care of yourself and hurry back.

We love you!

Who else can we get?

We've got to get someone to cover for Jawaharlal

in the, uh, world literature, Simone?

American and English poetry.

Well, what about Eric? That's his strong point.

Yeah, well, Eric is my weak point.

I better go check on Jawaharlal, Eric.

Mr. Moore's right, Eric's the only one here who knows

more world literature than Jawaharlal.

Yeah, but he won't do it.

Well, it wouldn't hurt to ask, he's still around.

He's not gonna do it, just 'cause he thinks we're cute.

Besides, who's gonna ask him?

- We need to plan a strategy. - Yeah.

What do we have that Eric wants?

Oh-ho, no. Unh-unh.

I mean, that's outrageous to even think that I'd consider--

Simone, we just want you to ask him.

Oh.

With everything you've got.

- Hi. - Hi.

What're you doin'?

Oh, just checkin' it out.

No, I mean, for the next couple of hours.

Why, uh, you want me to take you away from all this?

Um, that'd be lovely.

- It would? - Sure.

Maybe.

Alright, Simone, what do you want?

Oh, I don't know.

Just thought I'd get some air.

Say hello, tell you Jawaharlal's sick

and beg you to be on the team.

Jawaharlal's sick?

I don't believe it, they're only Russians.

It's not nerves, it's food poisoning.

- So what do you think? - About what?

Filling in for Jawaharlal.

You want me on a team..

...in front of everybody?

Hey, Eric, let's go.

You're askin' a lot, Simone.

(Richie) 'Come on, Eric.'

- Hey, Richie, relax. - I know.

You're not gonna stick around for the brain bowl, are you?

I wouldn't ask you to join the team if we didn't need you.

What, the team? Are you kiddin'?

You're gonna try out for geek of the week?

Richie, give me a minute, alright?

Come on.

Eric, please?

[sighs]

Well?

- I asked him. - And?

- And he.. - This is one time only.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't, don't get crazy.

Alright, bring on the Russians.

Eric, here.

You can wear Jawaharlal's blazer.

Are you kidding me?

No, no, no way.

Eric, do you have something against flammable polyester?

Come on, Eric, you have to wear it, it's our team uniform.

I don't do uniforms.

Besides, I'm not in your nerd army, I'm a hired gun.

- Eric, you promised. - Yeah.

You know what, Simone? Forget it.

If he can't do us a favor in a nice way who needs him?

- We need him. - Okay, fine, we need him.

But not enough for him to lay this

heavy, neurotic, dependency guilt trip on us.

I can get that from my mother, take this.

- I'm just sayin', I don't-- - The big J is okay!

I never realized I was so popular.

Now, let's get out there and kick some Russian..

And do our best and, uh, make the school proud of us.

Come on, gang!

- Close call, huh? - Yeah, too bad.

- Too bad? - Well, I think so, don't you?

Well, yeah, I-I would've liked..

No, no, forget it, it's fine.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[audience applauding]

Welcome, welcome, everyone, to this very exciting match.

Now, before we begin with our questions

a representative from each team will say a few words.

First, from the Soviet team, Boris Yevtushenko.

[audience applauding]

We of the Soviet academic team

appreciate the invitation to compete with you

in the name of international brotherhood.

[speaking in foreign language]

And on the behalf of the male members of my team

I would like to say that your girl

with the fabulous red hair is an absolute knockout.

And now, the representative from Fillmore High school.

Excuse me, I'm Dr. Samuels, the principal.

And, uh, I would like to say..

[speaking in foreign language]

Yes. And I would also say, um..

[speaking in foreign language]

And, um, uh..

Dr. Samuels.

- Yeah? - Please, allow me.

[speaking in foreign language]

[audience cheering]

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Thank you, Janice, sit down.

- Let us begin. - 'Alright.'

Will the contestants please test their buzzers?

[buzzing]

Oh, boy.

[buzzing]

[indistinct chatter]

I'm fine, crime and punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky, 1866, right?

Oh, my God! We've had it.

I'll take him to the infirmary, you'll be okay, Jawaharlal.

Just take it easy, take it easy.

- What? - Don't worry, we'll manage.

We'll cope, we're fine.

We're up the creek.

[instrumental music]

"What do you call a plant with perennating buds

situated at or just below the soil surface?"

[buzzing]

(male #1) 'Soviets!'

It's a hemicryptophyte.

Correct.

[audience applauding]

"What is mastigomycotina?"

[buzzing]

A subdivision of eumycota consisting of aquatic

fungi that flourish under damp conditions.

- Correct! - I knew that one.

[instrumental music]

(male #1) "'What Italian novel features the character

"'Brother William and who is the author?'"

"The Name Of The Rose." Umberto Eco.

(female #1) '"The Conformist" by Alberto Moravia.'

(male #1) 'I'm sorry, that's incorrect, Fillmore High?'

[indistinct chatter]

Time is up.

'The answer is "Name Of The Rose."'

'Author, Umberto Eco.'

What're you doing here?

- What? - I thought you were going home.

Well, I was interested in a way.

I mean, it is the Russians and everything.

- Yeah. - 'Africa.'

Our gang could sure use you now.

Yeah, well, they had their chance.

Look, I don't want you to think that

I'm a snob or anything.

Why would I think that?

Well, I mean..

...I couldn't wear that jacket.

Oh, I-I understand.

You got a reputation to uphold.

"Describe a lattice constant?"

- Oh. - 'Fillmore?'

Uh, lattice constant is the angle between the axis

of the unit cell of a crystal.

Correct.

I would've helped them out.

I just wanted to do it my way.

Eric, when you do somebody a favor, you go all the way.

(male #1) 'Define the Hubble Constant.'

Oh, come on, Arvid.

(male #1) 'The Hubble Constant H is the ratio'

'between the distance of the galaxies'

'and the velocity at which they are receding.'

(male #1) 'Correct.'

I'm not like them.

I'm not into this terminal competition.

Not good enough.

I've seen you play basketball.

Okay, bottom line

I don't want anybody in this school to think

that I actually enjoy being in that class with them.

You know, for a guy who is as tough as you claim to be

you sure worry a lot about other people's opinions.

(male #1) 'Yes.'

[instrumental music]

"Name the Irish playwright who writes his plays in French."

- Damn. - 'Soviets.'

- Oscar Wilde. - 'No.'

- 'Fillmore?' - Come on, you guys.

Come on, we can get it.

Five seconds.

'Four.'

'Three.'

'Two.'

- Yes? - Samuel Beckett.

Yes!

You can apologize to me later, let's win this thing.

[instrumental music]

[audience applauding]

[instrumental music]

The final question.

A correct answer wins the meet.

"What is the world's most common male name?"

[indistinct chatter]

[buzzing]

Uh, John?

No, Fillmore?

I-it could be a Russian name.

G-go ahead, Arvid, come on.

- Boris. - No.

The correct answer is Mohammed.

[indistinct chatter]

That was my second guess.

Well, the meet is tied.

And according to the rules, we have the option

to go into overtime if both teams agree.

Of course we go into overtime.

We fight until there's a winner.

Absolutely.

(male #1) 'Well, we'll take a short break and then begin'

'with the tie-breaking questions.'

[indistinct chatter]

What's going on here?

Relax, could be educational.

- Uh, Mr. Bukana? - Yes.

Uh, we just..

We've, uh, talked it over, and if it's okay with you

we'd just like to leave things the way they are.

A tie?

'That way, you know, we know they're smart'

they know we're smart.

And it's like Mr. Moore told us.

It's lot more important that we just get to know each other

than try to beat each other.

'So, uh..'

...what do you say we just wrap up this puppy

get out of here and have a party, huh?

- Alright. - Yeah!

They can't do this, there has to be a winner.

Why?

Well, otherwise, how will we know

which system is superior?

Who's better? Us or the Russians?

Ah, they're superior, we're better.

[indistinct chatter]

- Kids. - Huh?

What are you gonna do?

[instrumental music]

Hello, I'm Alan, young Republican.

Natasha, young Communist.

You must be a great hero to have so many medals.

Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, these, yeah, well, uh..

This one here, this is the, uh, Tony Award, yeah.

This is the American League MVP over here and this one

this is the People's Choice Award, big award.

Do you like baseball?

I love it.

How about those metropolitans?

Do you have blue jeans?

Of course, I mean, everybody does.

I'd like to take your blue jeans back to Moscow as souvenir.

Really? Sure, why not?

With you in them.

So what are you gonna do?

What are you gonna see while you're here?

Uh, well, we'll see the, uh, uh, the Statue of Liberty..

...The United Nations..

...The Submarine Base at Groton, Connecticut.

Just kidding.

- Uh, Mr. Moore. Thank you. - Yeah? You're welcome.

Oh, uh, she's defecting.

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