All language subtitles for Allan.The.Dog.2020.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

Allen The Dog (2020)
Brought to you by: RAYMANS Distributions Inc.

Look at me, mommy.

I'm running, yeah!

Woooo, yeah!

I found my ball, mommy, yeah!

Fuck this!

Mommy, get over here, yeah!

Oh, my goodness!

Good job!

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

Throw it super far this time,
mommy.

Okay.

I'm gonna lose this darn
weight, yeah.

I know you are, honey.

Okay, last one.

It might rain, okay.

Okay, ready?

Wait, it went that way.

Hi, mister.

What's your name?

Hey, why is your mouth so wet?

Oh, god!

No!

Oh, my god!

He just ate my fucking leg!

Oh, Honey Bear!

Why is it taking too
long to die?

Honey Bear!

Honey Bear!

Oh, my Honey Bear!

Oh, my god!

Oh, no!

Oh, god!

With us now is our
Doggone News correspondent,

Zoey Spencer.

Zoey, what do you know?

Well, the competition is
refusing to roll over, Brett,

and it's been a rough start

for the highly favored Chester
Pinscher.

He's not keeping his knees up,
Zoey.

IF Chester keeps those knees up,

he's best in show this year.

We'll be right back
after this.

Calloway dog treats.

Is this heaven?

Oh, man.

I would wreck that face.

Well, you're all set Mrs. H.

Oh, thanks,
Matt.

I wish I can afford new shocks.

Ah, don't sweat.

I patched him up like new.

Oh, you are such a lifesaver,
as always.

And to thank you, I wish I
could,

I wish I could patch you
up like new.

Oh, wow.

That's, that's, that's
all right, Mrs. Higgins.

No, it was, it was, it was my
pleasure.

It sure could be your
pleasure.

Boom.

Just saying...

Full disclosure, I like to hit.

What?

Well, the course trot

is where our front runner is
struggling.

Chester needs to raise those
knees, Brett.

See?

Knees up, ass out.

How many times did I
tell you that growing up?

Goddammit, dude.

Hey, Matt.

Check out my new baby.

Whoa, is this it?

Yeah.

She's beautiful, man.

Oh, thanks.

6.4-liter engine,
eight-speed transmission.

She'll bring in more
than the '88 Corvette.

Oh, she better.

I love the garage, man,
but business is so slow.

It doesn't help that you
give away free shocks, Matt.

I'm sorry, man.

She's an old lady.

I'll make it up to you.

You're a terrible businessman,
but a promising mechanic.

Hell, the best gear-head I've
seen

in over 10 years in the yard.

Thanks, man.

That means a lot.

That's the kind of talent
you don't throw away.

It's the kind you partner up
with.

Wait, are you saying
what I think you're saying?

Yeah, running the garage,
you and me as co-owners,

turning this place around.

What do you think, Matt?

Let me think on it.

Okay.

Don't make me wait too long.

What's up, Brenda?

Mike?

Yeah, no, no, this is Matt.

The mechanic?

Yes, yes the mechanic.

No, I was just calling to say
how much,

I had so much fun.

It was fun the other night,
right?

Uh-huh.

Sorry, I heard you say uh-huh

but then I didn't hear
you say anything else.

That's all I said.

No, I got it.

That's all you said.

Okay, that's great.

That's great.

Well, anyways, do you wanna
go for like a hike sometime?

I know you mentioned your
weight.

You were trying to lose some.

Are you calling me
fat?

No, I'm not saying
you need to lose weight.

I just, you said you
wanted to go on a diet.

And anyways, no, hike's a bad
idea.

So, well, listen.

You have a have a blessed day.

Okay.

Bye, Mark.

All right, bye.

God, I'm off my game.

Your game?

Brenda?

Oh, yeah, no, you're still
there.

That's, that's great.

We should totally hang.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Although Chester has yet to
win

his first blue ribbon,
the Pinscher brothers

have dominated dog show
competitions for years.

That's right, Brett.

And as you know, Chester
is following the path

of older brothers Brutus and
Aurelius,

all blue ribbon champions.

A remarkable family.

Well, and Brett,
here is some trivia for you.

There's actually a
fourth Pinscher brother,

but he was the runt of the
litter

and he ran away at a young age.

Very fascinating,
Zoey.

Well, I guess we can't
all be superstars, can we?

Hmm.

In other news, another
vicious coyote attack

has shaken Los Angeles.

Incredibly, somehow, the
latest victim survived.

I may have had my legs taken
from me.

But guess what.

You don't love with your legs.

You love with your heart.

And I still have that, so
I'm gonna be just fine.

Allan, let's do this,
buddy!

Yes!

It's showtime, baby!

I missed you, buddy.

I missed you, dude.

So how was your date last
night, amigo?

I didn't hear you come in.

Well, I guess it wasn't a
date.

When I dropped her off,

Brenda thanked me for the friend
day.

What the hell is a friend day?

Apparently, it's the
combination

of the words friend and day.

Goddammit.

She actually said that?

Yeah.

It didn't exactly set the
mood for our first kiss,

so I just proceeded to give
her the most awkward high five

in the history of the world and
left.

Forget her, man.

We're focusing on our
shit right now anyway.

You're not gonna be a
grease monkey forever, yo.

Come on, Allan.

I like working on cars though.

Besides, we gotta eat, right?

Wow.

Hey, Matt, what's the
first thing you're gonna do

when we're rich and famous?

Well, life isn't all
about cash and fame.

I mean, sure, those are
great things to think about.

But being happy and having each
other

is more important than showbiz.

Exactly.

It's gonna be wall to wall sex
for me too.

Pah, pah.

Yeah, work those Ps.

Peter Pan pumped it up
with the P. Diddy jams.

That's what he does.

Yeah.

Peter Pan pumps it up
with the P, Diddy jams.

You know what else?

What's that?

P. Diddy and Peter Pan are
doing pushups in Kazakhstan.

Ooh, I like that.

Yeah, say it with me now.

P. Diddy and
Peter Pan

are doing pushups in Kazakhstan.

And we are ready.

That was good.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

All right, come on.

All right.

Oh, wait, listen, Allan.

Uh-huh.

Before we go in there,

look, if things go south in
there,

just take it easy, okay?

We don't need another episode

- where you scream at the...
- Oh, dude.

Not a chance, buddy, for real.

Got my emotions under
control, like a eunuch.

What is this?

It's a river otter!

That sucks.

You're welcome!

And so this big elephant
gets super pissed at the zebra

and says, "That was a terrible
call, ref."

That was the punchline, kids.

Don't lock the joy inside.

That was a terrible call, ref,

like referee,

because zebras and refs both
have white and black stripes.

You know, with like.

You know, they kinda look
similar.

What the hell, parents!

They don't know their animals
yet?

Go home and get your piano,
Rowlf.

Seriously?

You think if I was a muppet,
I'd be doing this gig?

You're either Rowlf or a
bear took a shit on Snoopy.

Oh, laughter.

Maybe you and me should trade
places.

Allan, calm down.

Screw this.

I wanna pet his anus with my
thumb.

What do his eyes feel
like?

No, no, no, no, not the
shakes.

Allan, Allan, Allan.

It's okay.

It's okay, it's okay.

Allan, it's okay.

It's okay, it's okay.

So he was telling this joke,

but the kids, they
weren't really laughing.

And I think it just was really...

They weren't laughing.

They weren't laughing.

Hey, shh.

I'm writing a prescription
for Allan's anxiety.

But Allan is on the edge.

Call me immediately if this
happens again.

I will.

Thank you, Dr. Williams.

Okay.

And listen, I was thinking,

maybe we shouldn't perform
anymore.

Allan puts so much pressure on
himself.

It can't be healthy.

This is my dream.

Laugh, you little fuckers.

You know about his family
being famous show dogs

and him being the runt of the
litter.

I just, I wanna be encouraging,

but I'm worried about
his hopes being crushed.

You can't pet my anus.

Hey.

Shh.

You're doing great, Matt.

Don't beat yourself up over
this.

You and Allan are fantastic
together.

Look, Allan is gonna take
one pill twice a day.

And he needs to exercise more.

I just wanna be rich and
famous.

Ellie, she walks Mr. Wrinkles,

you know, my little Chinese
Shar-Pei.

You'll both love her.

Thank you.

Where am I?

Shh.

Allan, you are in my
office, and you are safe.

How are you feeling?

Okay, I guess.

It happened again?

Oh, it sure did, buddy.

But don't you worry.

We're gonna get you
fixed up like new, okay?

I love you, Matt.

I love you, pal.

And Dr. Williams,

one more question while
I have you real quick.

Of course.

Yeah.

Medically speaking, is
my dick still growing?

Or is this pretty much
what I have to work with?

Allan!

- I'm sorry.
- What?

I'm not a puppy anymore, you
know.

Hey, does that scale still work?

I'm getting little Allan
up there and just...

Oh, that's enough, Allan.

Take care of business.

Okay, sorry, Dr. Williams.

Allan.

There are streets out there.

So what gives, dude?

I come in from the doghouse
last night to snuggle

and I get the cold shoulder?

I didn't give you the
cold shoulder, Allan.

Hmm, interesting theory,
because it was your shoulder,

it was cold, and it nudged me
away.

Allan, I nudge you because
you laid across my face

in the middle of the night
and I couldn't breathe.

Nudges are walls people build
around their hearts, Matt.

Allan, I couldn't breathe!

I thought I might die.

That's a perfectly good
reason for a nudge.

Well, I need,

thank you, sir.

I need a human companion
who would rather die

than interrupt even a moment
of my innocent slumber.

That's ridiculous.

Wait.

Are you still annoyed I asked
Dr. Williams

to use her scale to weigh my
dog-hood?

Well, now that you mention it,

in what world do you think it's
okay

to ask another person to weigh
your junk?

She's a doctor, god.

Just tracking my progress, dude.

Excuse me?

I said I'm just tracking my
progress.

Why don't you just use a
ruler like everyone else does?

The ruler method is flawed,
dude.

If I shove the end into my
groin, I can force an extra inch.

Ooh, that must be Ellie.

Who?

Your new dog walker.

But why?

Because you need someone

to get you to take your anxiety
pill

in the middle of the day,

and an extra walk will do you
some good.

I already hate her knock.

Allan.

Oh, I'm great.

I'm wearing my fox onesie.

Perf.

Be nice.

Hi, I'm Matt.

Ellie.

Yeah.

Oh, you wanna come in?

Yes.

Yeah, come on in.

And you must be Allan.

I'm full grown, you know.

Oh.

Yeah, you you look it.

Damn straight.

I only mention it

in case the pajamas gave
you the wrong impresh.

I wear them for both
comfort and nerd hipness.

No, the onesie's clutch.

It takes a confident
male to rock a onesie.

Respect.

Mm, yeah.

Respect backsies to the maxies.

Flattery will get you
everywhere, mah lady.

Oh.

Anyway, Matt is running very
late

and has to leave immediately.

So that'll give us a chance
to see if we're a good match.

Hey, who's nudging who now,
huh, buddy?

It was great meeting
you, Ellie, really great.

You too.

I like your glasses, by the
way.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

They're cool.

Do they

help you see?

Oh, yeah.

They are not just worn
for style.

Cool.

I like your sideburns.

Do they keep your face warm?

Thanks.

Yeah, they do.

This one got burned off a
couple of years ago though.

Allan and I were camping,
got in a food fight,

and I got hit by a
burning hot marshmallow.

Gah.

Not exactly a brush with death

but the story lives on somehow.

All right, my man, I know you
gotta run.

I guess I gotta...

Have a great day.

Yeah, all right.

Get outta here.

- All right.
- Bye, Allan.

Hey, Ellie, it was really nice...

Yeah, you, oh.

Okay.

Why don't you take off your
jacket and step into my lair?

All right, let the interrogaysh
commence.

That's shortsies for
interrogation.

So official.

Let's start.

All right.

Let's get down to biz.

That's short for biznasty.

But you're got a hip
Silverlakey kind of girl.

I bet you're down with
the abbrevs, mah lady.

Oh, I love the abbrevs.

But you do seem to say mah lady
a lot.

Do you not like it, mah lady?

Oh, no, it's fine.

I mean, I could see it

getting a little annoying after
a while.

Well, I don't wish to call you
mah lady

if mah lady does not like it.

Every now and then is perf.

Okay.

First quesh.

That's a question, and
it's a pretty big one.

Are you a sociopath?

No.

Every time I murder somebody,
I feel terribly guilty.

Witty banter, check.

Ha, that's great.

All right, second quesh.

That's question.

Wait, real quicksies.

Uh-huh.

Do you always say the
abbrev version of a word

and then follow it up with the
full word?

Because that kinda defeats
the point of the abbrevs.

PTML.

Point taken, mah lady.

- Okay.
- Okay,

question number two.

Oh, yeah.

So we're on a walk.

It's a hypothetical.

We're on a walk and, you
know, I see a burden in a bush

or something like that,
and I just go nuts.

Now, do you panic and drop the
leash?

Or do you kinda take control a
little bit?

Oh.

Well, I guess I would
take control, rein it in.

Ooh.

Yeah, just, you know,
a gentle tug on the leash

to remind you who's in control.

Ooh, message received!

Yeah, and if things
got really out of hand,

maybe a firm pat on the butt

with an, "Allan, no," thrown in.

O,

M,

G.

I could hug your face forever.

Oh.

Well, you know, I think we're
done here.

Anything you wanna tell
me before a trial rub?

Run, trial run.

Sorry.

Trial run?

Actually, there is something
I like to be upfront about.

Oh, please.

This is an indica vape pen.

Mm-hmm.

This strain is called Death
Star.

And while I am totally anti dark
side,

if I smoke this all day, I
sleep like a baby all night.

Oh.

You know, I'm all for
national legalizache,

but Matt and I, honestly, you
know,

we've barely dabbled with
the Mary Jane ourselves.

Blow that fucker in my eye!

Oh, shit!

Oh, yeah!

I love you, man!

I love you,
my man!

I love you!

All finished?

No.

Well, you're obviously hired.

Oh.

You give me a sense of
control,

and yet, I never forget who's
boss.

Yeah, yeah, it felt natural.

You're very pretty, you know.

Oh.

Well, thank you, Allan.

Oh, is that you and Matt there?

Yep, that's him.

Hmm, cute.

Oh.

Well, hey, you know, Matt's
great, but spoiler alert,

he's a bit of a boozer and
a registered sex offender.

Oh.

Well, that's only two strikes, I
guess.

Could be worse.

Oh, yeah, it's not a big deal.

I mean, you know, he was
caught masturbating in a,

you know, a movie theater or an
airplane.

I can't remember, but
water under the bridge.

Right.

Oh, you know what?

After a successful walk, I
usually like to take a nap,

but I would love to watch the
movie Rocky for the 65th time.

Oh, big fan, huh?

Are you kidding me?

Sly wrote the script in two
weeks.

That's redonk!

That is redonkulous.

And you know what?

I would love to join you,

but my boyfriend's about to pick
me up.

Oh, but you would love him,
mm-hmm.

And you know what?

You should meet my dog.

She's a big fan of Rocky too.

I mean, Rocky as well,
not Rocky 2, the sequel.

Solid film, sure,

but it doesn't hold a
candle to the orig feech,

which is short for original
feature.

We have more candidates to
interview,

but thank you so much.

Allan.

Ellie!

Do you really like the movie
Rocky?

People forget how gritty and
real it is.

And it has turtles.

Cuff and Link.

And I bet your boyfriend's
super cool, huh?

Like a total alpha male badass?

Hmm, somewhere in that
ballpark.

His name is Steve.

Sounds like a dick.

Well, that's okay.

You're hired if you still want
the job.

Oh.

Yeah, I'll take it.

Fantastic!

Friendsies?

Friendsies.

Ooh.

Fuck you, Steve.

Mail man.

Neither rain nor snow?

Fuck you, man!

Allan, no!

Yeah, set me straight, baby
girl.

I'm so naughty.

I'm so sorry.

Allan, drink your milkshake.

All right, I'm chilling out.

Oh, shit.

Dude.

Where do you think you're
going?

Oh, little dude, you touch that
ball,

I will eat you whole, poop
you out and eat you again.

Yeah, beat it!

There you go.

That's right.

Tough guy, huh?

Let's see how tough you
are when your number's up.

Right, Kev?

Food goes in here.

Oh, geez, Kevin.

What?

That's where it goes.

Shut up, Kevin!

We need to move!

Now!

I swear, if you're
weren't my sister's kid,

I'd have you for breakfast.

I can play ball if I wanna.

Big dogs are just jelly.

You got this, Matt.

Come on, you got this.

Fuck, here they come.

I don't act on those impulses.

Sure, you know, I'd love to
kill a squirrel, you know,

but that's somebody's
mother or brother or sister.

And I'm not a dick.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, hey, guys.

What are you doing
here, man?

Oh, work was slow, so Stan cut
me loose.

I was thinking maybe
we'd go by the lagoon,

check out some ducks.

Do you wanna come, Ellie?

That sounds great

This day sucks.

The sun's reflection
in the water is really pretty.

Totes.

The inherent beauty all around
us

implies an underlying conscience

or even creator who loves
us and wants us to be happy.

Or you're a nerd.

One or the other, I guess.

Hey, non-sequitur,

but Matt and I have a comedy
show tonight,

if you're not hanging
out with your boyfriend.

What, you have a boyfriend?

I, I mean, of course you have a
boyfriend.

You're amazing.

What does he do?

Is he in a dangerous line of
work?

Good thinking, dude.

He does drive a motorcycle.

Well, I don't know how
dangerous it is

being a green juice barista but,

it doesn't matter, guys.

We broke up.

I'm so sorry, Ellie.

Oh, it's okay.

We were struggling for a while.

Nobody's to blame.

Well, Steve's lack of
communication is to blame.

That and the fact that he sent

a dick pic collage to his
neighbor.

A collage?

Yeah.

A lot of time and effort went
into this.

It was a bunch of pics of
his dick wearing tiny hats,

Indiana Jones's fedora,

one of those jester hats with
the little bells on the end,

Santa's hat.

No!

I'm getting off track.

The point is I'm totally fine.

Oh, why am I crying?

Oh, it was the sorting
hat from the Harry Potter

that really put me over the
edge.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

It's okay, Ellie.

Everybody has a tipping point.

Terrible choice of words, my
man.

But I know something that might
help.

A hug from a super cute dog.

- Oh.
- If only we had one handy.

Oh, thanks, Allan.

Yeah.

And Ellie, if you don't
wanna be alone tonight,

you should come to our show.

Yeah.

I'd love to, guys, but I
have my OPKC meeting tonight.

Oh.

OPKC?

Owl pillow knitting club.

My therapist said I should focus

on what makes me happy right
now.

And frankly, I love getting
high and knitting owls on shit.

I got nothing.

You?

No, I'm good.

Oh!

Vanilla Ice likes spicy rice!

Vanilla Ice likes spicy fucking
rice!

Boom!

Yeah!

We are ready!

Yes, we are!

By the way, dude, owl
pillow knitting club?

Oh, god, what was that?

I mean, at least you
know the excuse is real.

Who would make something like
that up?

I don't know.

Speaking of making shit up,

I told Ellie that you're
a registered sex offender.

All right, let's have a great
show now.

Wait, wait a minute.

What?

Why would you make up something
like that?

So I look amazing by
comparison, dude.

God, it's called being a good
wing man.

God, that bums me out, Allan.

I don't want Ellie thinking
that.

Calm down.

It's not a big deal.

I said you were caught
masturbating on a plane one time.

Geez.

Dude!

What?

Hey, man.

What's going on, Tommy?

Henry's hanging it up.

What?

All right, all right, all
right.

What's up?

Listen up.

After 30 years of running this
club,

one of the things I
learned is to make sure

that you love the journey,

no matter what happens on stage
or off,

because life is about the road,
guys,

not the destination.

I don't like change, Matt.

- Shh.
- And while I still have

a little bit of road left in me,

I'm turning the reins over to
my brother-in-law, Barrick.

And I'm hoping some fresh blood

will breathe new life
into this whole place.

Henry, this is crazy, man.

You can't retire.

You mean too much to us,
to the whole community.

Ah, it's just it's gotten
so competitive, Matt.

I mean, people can get
everything they want

right on the internet.

Why leave the house when you
can sit in your underwear

and watch high definition porn?

Yeah, but people still
need to socialize, man.

You can only masturbate so
many times in a day, right?

You haven't met my
brother-in-law, Barrick.

Barrick.

Take the floor.

Now, listen up.

As the new boss, obviously

I'm gonna be changing shit up
everywhere.

So if you don't like change, you
know,

get the hell out now.

Church!

Change is the shit!

Allan.

And there's only one opinion
that matters from now on,

and that's mine.

FYI, this is me laughing.

Ha-hee!

This isn't me not laughing.

Okay?

Are you grokking the difference?

If you stop getting stage
time, there ain't no mystery.

It's because you're not seeing
enough of.

Huh?

Comprende?

All right, I got some
mind-blowing news.

The Booker himself is gonna
be coming to this club,

this very club next Friday
night.

Judging by your impressed
murmuring,

you all know how the Booker got
his name.

You get managed by this guy,

hey, you're as good as booked.

His clients appear on Live
Tonight with Kenny Baker

all the fucking time,

but you gots to make me first,

first.

Break a leg, assholes.

What a prick.

Good pep talk.

I know guys like this.

Deep down, all they need is a
hug.

Yeah, I don't know, Allan.

This guy seems like a tough
cookie.

My man, never underestimate
the cuteness of this face.

What?

I'm gonna go schmooze this
hurting soul.

Now, Allan, wait!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa.

That is far enough, Garfield.

Garfield?

That's, that's not even a dog.

Yeah, not another step.

I got a serious medical condish
over here.

You like abbrevs, dude?

I like to abbrevs!

And I don't give a shit.

I'm allergic to flea-ridden
mutts.

Your fur touches my skin,

I could die.

But you haven't lived until
a puppy's licked your face.

Yeah, pass.

Look at you, completely
disgusting.

The fleas on you, fucking,
pooping.

Picture that, fleas pooping and
fucking,

rolling around in the poop.

It makes me sick.

Now, scram, Rick and Morty!

The cartoon?

I'm not sure...

I said scram!

All good.

I know what you're thinking
right now.

Is this a little dude neutered
or not?

Well, I'm happy to report
that my sack is intact,

all thanks to this guy.

He let me keep my balls, people.

I sure don't want him licking
mine.

Good thing he's a heavy
sleeper.

What?

And now that you know
I still have my dog-hood,

I feel obligated to warn
the ladies out there

that once you to go furry,

oh, you'll never worry again.

What's the next joke?

Something about my dick.

Oh, yes.

So my dick walks into a bar.

This is bullshit.

We were funny tonight, Matt.

Yeah, well, funny is in the
eye of the beholder, Allan.

If Barrick doesn't think
we're funny, we're not funny.

That's why the comedy
business is so risky.

What's that got to do with
anything?

I don't know.

Sometimes I think

it's better to think of
our thing as a hobby,

take some of the pressure
out of the situation.

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

You just said I give up
a million different ways.

I'm not giving up.

I'm just trying to be realistic.

What's going on with you,
dude?

That's crazy talk.

Seriously, what is up?

Okay.

Look,

Stan offered me co-ownership
of the junkyard.

It'd mean more
responsibility, longer hours,

maybe even some weekends.

Oh, so kiss our hobby goodbye.

No, no, I'm not saying that.

We can still perform now and
then.

It's just the junkyard
puts a roof over our heads.

Fuck that!

Dude, we'll live on the streets

and drink our own urine if we
have to.

Matt, I was born to make
people laugh.

If that gets taken away, I'm
nothing.

Hey, come on.

No, not now.

I haven't made any decisions
yet, Allan,

because no matter what, we're a
team.

It's you and me, pal.

We're partners.

You are such a pussy, it
blows my mind, dude.

At least I have my date
with Ellie tomorrow.

A date?

Don't get carried away, Allan.

She's your dog walker.

No, buddy.

She's more than that.

Ellie is special.

Yeah.

You know, it's funny.

I always get a little
pleasure out of my walkers

watching me go number one.

Goodnight, Allan.

Hell, even number two.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

But I don't know if I
want that with me and Ellie.

She's too pure.

Goodnight, Allan.

Goodnight, dick.

Ooh, dressed up a little bit
today.

Ooh, very nice.

All right, game face, game face.

Oh, hello, mah la...

Buzz kill.

Who is this?

Allan, be nice.

This is Princess Leia.

I thought you two might like to
meet.

Is she of drinking age?

She's 21 in human years.

Why?

So she can have a drink
while she does her intruding.

Do you like booze, Princess?

Uh, yes.

He's cute

but kind of a dick.

Hmm, right up your alley.

Hmm, touche.

But we can't all have loving
fathers

Hmm, no.

All right, P. Leia, feel free
to get comfortable anywhere

on the floor and out of the way.

Allan!

You're being a dick.

Apologize to Princess Leia.

What?

This is me being nice.

All right, let's let the
wine and conversation flow.

Allan, I'm your dog walker.

This isn't an appropriate friend
day.

Oh.

I see what's going on here.

You wanted me to meet Princess
Leia.

Translation, let's see
if the mutts hit it off

because you're too good for a
dog.

Wait, unless this is a
menage a paw type of thing.

Allan, no!

That's it.

This walk is over!

I'll urinate on the carpet.

And you can forget about my
goddamn anxiety pill, lady.

I'm kind of in the mood for a
life-threatening panic attack.

This is my goodbye dance.

I know it looks like the robot,
but it's totally original.

Oh, yeah.

It's how I celebrate the
removal of poison in my life.

Goodbye, poison.

Bee boo beep.

Du du di du di du.

Ellie, wait!

Ellie, Ellie.

Look, whatever Allan
just did, I'm so sorry.

It's okay, Matt.

I just wanted to introduce
him to Princess Leia

because I thought they'd hit it
off.

I guess I was wrong.

Hi, Princess Leia.

Hey.

You're right.

He is cute.

Shh.

Look, Allan's a sweetheart,
most of the time.

Sure.

Allan always gets along with
pretty girls

until he feels spurned,
but that's not fair.

Oh.

Thanks.

What?

You just said I'm pretty.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

Sure, I was just,

it's not a compliment.

I was just stating it as
relevant fact.

Oh, wow, he's a smooth one.

Look, don't sweat it.

Allan's just a little emotional.

It's okay.

It's like he has something big
to prove.

Have you ever noticed that?

He did pretend to take a phone
call

from Lena Dunham yesterday.

Exactly.

Yeah, why does he do stuff
like that?

Allan comes from this
big famous dog show family,

but he's the runt of the litter.

And I think he's insecure about
it

because he never hit it big
himself.

Oh.

Well, that does explain a lot.

Well, look, nobody's perfect.

I mean, who hasn't been
arrested once or twice

for indecent exposure?

Allan told you I'm a
registered sex offender.

Registered, so no
big.

You know he was kidding,
right?

Oh, yeah, Matt, we know.

Well, look, can I make
it up to you sometime?

Maybe take you out for a meal

when you're not busy
knitting owls and stuff?

Yeah, maybe.

Hmm.

FYI, Matt.

She's allergic to latex.

Leia!

I'm gonna go.

Okay.

Yeah, great.

It's too hard, Sly.

Talk to me.

What should I do?

Kid, life ain't
about how hard you hit.

It's about how hard you can get
hit

and keep moving forward.

That's how winning is done.

I hear you loud and clear,
Sly.

Fuck her!

Yo, Allan,
that's not what I'm saying.

No, no, no.

I got this, Sly.

You don't have to tell me twice.

Fuck her!

Damn it, Allan.

You were so rude just now, I'm
speechless.

Then don't speak with your
words.

Speak with your fists.

What?

Just spank me like you did
that fateful day on March 19th.

Never forget.

Never forget!

Oh, yeah.

This is how it's done.

Hey, bro dog.

Allan.

What did I say

about not pissing on the bed!

I'm gonna put you down, you
little fucker!

Die, you fuck!

That's not what happened and you
know it.

Yeah.

This is how it's done.

Allan.

Hey, what's up, bro dog?

Come on, man.

Don't pee on the bed.

Jesus!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I was mad, but I
never laid a hand on you.

Oh, but you wanted to, pal.

I could see it in your eyes,

just like the time you were
upset over the cable bill.

Oh, god!

That again?

I was out of a job and you
signed us up

for a year's subscription to
Hustler TV.

Do you know how expensive that
is?

I've seen you watching
Reservoir Doggy Style

more than once.

Well, I mean, yeah.

I already, I already paid for
it.

Of course I'm gonna watch it.

Perv.

Listen, Matt.

My eyes are open.

Ellie was just a distraction.

I say good riddance.

Allan, you can't be mad at
somebody

just because they don't like you
back.

Hmm.

I'm sorry, buddy.

That was harsher than I meant
it.

Oh, come on, dude.

Dude, say something.

Forget it.

But you can make it up to me.

Anything, name it.

Road trip.

Where are we going?

Barrick's.

But grab your phone, because
we have an errand to run first.

Google radiation suit,
midget, Hollywood, cheap.

Oh, god.

Allan, I just want you to know

that I am completely against
this.

You do what you gotta do.

Hello, Barrick.

Got a sec?

What the hell is this?

You, sir, are getting a hug.

Is that you, Grumpy Cat?

Come on, dude.

Yeah, it is you, isn't it?

What are you, insane?

Insane for hogs.

I have the right to refuse
service to anyone, you know.

You don't have the right to
refuse hugs.

Tommy!

Tommy, will you remove this
thing from the premises, please?

Knock knock, Barrick.

Can I talk to the hurt
little boy inside you?

I know he's home, and
I know he wants a hug.

No.

All right, look.

You, you stop saying hugs.

Hugs.

Hugs, Barrick.

Hugs!

Whoa.

Hugs, hugs, hugs!

Oh, no.

That's not great, Allan!

Give me a hug!

No!

Hugs.

Okay!

Your allergies are safe,
Barrick.

But love, love gets through the
suit!

Get away from me.

You're crazy!

I'm sorry, Allan.

Oops.

No!

You're fine, dude.

No!

You're not even allergic to
dogs.

Oh.

Oh, wait.

No, I see it.

Oh, boy.

Tell my mother I love her.

Oh.

You okay, pal?

Sounds congested.

It might be a clogged fuel line.

All right, I'll take a
look.

Ooh!

Hey.

No, oh!

Gosh, guys.

Ellie?

Oh, god, Chuck.

Hey, Matt.

Please don't die on
me, bud.

- Ellie, hey.
- Oh!

What's going on here?

Matt, hi.

I would like to confirm that
everyone is still breathing,

- if you could.
- Oh, my god, yeah.

Good god.

- Why did we go this way?
- Great, here.

Here you go, buddy.

Oh, dear lord.

She'll kill us all.

You're all right,
dude.

What a gentleman.

Hmm, yes.

Yes, you may pet me, good sir.

Yeah, ah, yeah.

Please tell me this young
man is a romantic suitor.

Oh, he beats the hell out
of that loser you're dating.

Was dating, Chuck, past tense.

She'll go back to him.

The weak ones always do.

They know too much.

Well, you're all clear.

Thanks.

I swear I'm not normally
endangering their lives like this.

So,

this is where you work?

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

I might actually become
co-owner.

But Allan's not too big on the
idea.

Look, about the other day,

I feel so bad about what
happened.

No, don't.

It's okay.

It's partly my fault.

When I realized Allan had a
crush on me,

I should have just talked to all
about it.

I shouldn't have tried to
deflect

by setting him up with Princess
Leia.

I'm bummed though.

I really thought they would hit
it off.

Please fall.

Please fall.

I won't kill you.

Please fall.

Oh, daddy likey!

But daddy has to be patient.

A lotta future poop out there,
boss.

Kevin!

I was in a mood!

You pulled me right out.

Damn it!

When things cool off, maybe
you can walk Allan again.

I would love that.

And hey, was I super high the
other day,

or did you ask me out?

Oh.

No, you're right on both.

You were super high, and I
definitely asked you out.

Look, why don't we just start
over, hmm?

Why don't Princess Leia and I

have you and Allan over
for a little tea party?

Like biscuits?

Yeah, that's what a tea party
is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's, I love. I'd love that.

But yeah, that sounds great.

Great.

Cool, awesome.

I'll say then.

- Great, yeah.
- All right.

Bye, Matt.

Bye.

Oh.

Ow!

Sorry, I just hit you.

Sorry.

Yeah, I'll see you later.

Okay.

Bye.

Are we on, Tommy?

Matt and I need our big
break, now more than ever.

Confirmed.

The Booker will be at the club

scouting fresh meat tomorrow
night.

So I can get you into
the green room, Allan,

but after that, things get
hairy.

Oh, I wouldn't worry.

I'm a little hairy myself.

Get in here, big spoonsies.

Oh, right there.

Get in there.

Nice.

It's now or never, Matt.

Tomorrow's show is everything.

Allan, you're doing it again,
my man,

putting way too much
pressure on this thing.

Besides, we're probably
gonna get kicked out

the second Barrick sees us
anyways.

Just vibing some
positive thinking, broseph.

I say we both think super
positive stuff

while we go to sleep in the
spoons posish.

We can do that, Allan.

But no matter what, we got each
other.

Don't forget that.

I know.

You remember the last
time I told you that?

Oh, the day we became
furry buddy champions.

Ninth annual, baby!

Baby!

Mm-hmm.

Did I mention I ran into Ellie
today?

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

It was cool.

She wants to hang out with us,

with her and Princess Leia.

Re-he-he-heally?

Yeah, nothing profesh,
just over at their place,

maybe before Operation Booker
tomorrow.

Re-he-he-heally?

Why do you
keep doing that, Allan?

Because she digs me, dude.

I knew she'd come running back.

Allan, you can't do that, bro.

If you're gonna act like that,

then we're not going over there.

Okay, okay.

Don't get biz-zay with the
tis-zay.

I'm cool.

All right, cool,

because you need to apologize,
especially to Princess Leia.

She digs you, dude.

She's cool, and she's cute.

But Matt, the heart wants
what the heart wants.

And if I don't wanna wreck your
face,

I don't wanna wreck your face.

Goodnight, Allan.

Goodnight, buddy.

Hey, guys.

Mah lady.

Ellie.

Hi, guys,

Princess.

Would you two like some tea?

Oh.

Sure.

Yeah.

Weed scone?

- Not for me.
- I don't really like scones.

I'm watching my glutes.

Yeah.

Low dose marijuana gummy bear?

Yeah, that sounds great.

You know what?

Before we enjoy tea and whatever
drugs are laying around.

can I please address the
elephant in the room?

Absolutely.

Great.

I would like to form apol,
that's formally apologize,

for my behavior the other day.

I was hurt.

And you know, my emotions
got the best of me.

And look, I get it.

You know, dogs and humans, they
don't make the best couples.

But just FYI, I was doing some
googling

and there actually was a case

of a canine-human marriage
in Australia in 1907.

And apparently, they
were terrific together.

But hey, it doesn't apply here,

but yeah, I just found
it interesting, yeah.

Hmm, well, thank you
for the form apol, Allan.

That's very big view.

Oh, well, thanks.

But, you know, I actually
owe a special apology

to the Princess here.

Mah lady, could we have a word
in private?

Um, sure.

What is it
with this girl and owls?

Tell me about it.

Every month or so,

I utterly destroy something
with an owl on it.

Keeps me sane.

And look, I am sorry for
being a jerk the other day,

but I can't deny it.

I'm in love with Ellie.

What?

Why do you even care?

You know, for such a smart
dog, you're really dumb.

She's human.

And I'm the runt of the
litter.

I get it.

But this runt is gonna be big
someday.

Fame doesn't make you special,
Allan.

What makes you special is who
you are and who loves you.

If you don't know that, you're
in trouble.

Whatcha thinking?

Oh.

Oh, nothing.

Just that it's no use to argue

because I don't care what you
think.

I'm glad you guys came
over.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah, cool.

Yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Not tongue.

Oh, god.

No, why?

That dick!

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

I'll kill him.

Yeah, I'm gonna kill him.

It's okay.

They've been in there a while.

Think they're hooking up?

I don't know.

Is Allan neutered?

Oh!

Leia!

Honey, what's wrong?

What's wrong?

I've been in here crying for 10
minutes,

waiting to be held and consoled!

I'm so sorry, honey.

We thought you were in here with
Allan.

Yeah, where is Allan?

Wait a minute.

Oh, my god.

You don't think he saw...

Oh.

Fuck.

Allan?

Where are you, buddy?

Keep it together, Allan.

Don't do anything brash.

All right, buckaroo.

You got a lot going on right
now.

Just concentrate on the task at
hand.

Everything's gonna be good.

Just think about it.

When you're famous and your
face is on all those magazines

and you're gonna have money
coming out...

Success.

Allan?

Hello, Matt.

If you're listening to this
message,

you've either found or will soon
find

the present I left on the bed.

I'm sooo sorry.

I didn't know what I was doing.

I was just feeling so confused
and anxious

after seeing you mouth
rape the love of my life.

And don't bother coming
to the show tonight, dude.

Your heart was never
into performing anyway.

It's all good, because I don't
need you.

I don't need anybody.

Indians, we deal with
stereotypes, you know,

just like any other ethnic
group.

My friends tell me, you know,

"Hey, but Indians, you guys
got some positive stereotypes.

"So that's a good thing, right?"

I go, "Well, it's not positive

"if you're not living up to
them."

I go, "People come up to me and
be like,

'So what are you, like
a doctor or something?'"

No, absolutely not.

Thanks for bringing that shit
up.

Any baby comics you got your
eye on?

Eh, one or two.

Somebody will surprise you
tonight.

And I got you and I a couple of
dates.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Whoa whoa whoa, hey.

Big man, big man.

Say, after your set, maybe
you'll favor us

with a round of the famous
Manhattan, sir.

You got it,
Barrick.

Excuse me, fellas.

It seems my lunch is...

Enjoy the show.

You might wanna
check that out, bruh.

I think it's the altitude.

? And she likes my taste in art ?

? She can cook a mean roast ?

? She lets me suck her toes ?

? And she likes to have sex in
cars ?

? She's perfect, except
that the bitch has cats ?

? And I hate fucking cats ?

? Cue up the asthma attack ?

? All 'cause the bitch has cats ?

? Oh, the bitch has cats ?

Okay.

Oh, chicken taquitos!

I'm sorry, Tommy.

I get flatulent when I get
nervous.

So what's the plan?

When they introduce my set,

you stroll out like it's
Sunday afternoon, take the mic.

You know, Barrick is not gonna
like it.

I guess we'll see how far
he's willing to take it

in front of a packed house.

Is,

is Matt ready?

Oh, change of plans.

Matt won't be joining us
tonight.

What?

What are you,

but guys are a duo.

Where is he?

Oh, you know, he's dead.

What?

Yep, yep.

No, long story, but he's dead

and you can just post it
on your Facebook page.

We're good.

What happened?

You know, it's unclear.

But yeah, you don't have to
think about Matt ever again.

My god, when is the autopsy?

Oh, you know, I don't know
but...

You don't even know?

No.

What do you know?

You know what?

I'm getting game face for my
set,

so it's kinda hard to like focus
on the,

- on the past.
- That's a fast turn, Allan.

Oh.

Well, it's a little brutal.

That's dark, man.

Yeah, yeah.

? And I'd give anything ?

? Just to get between her thighs ?

? Oh, but she ?

? She only likes black guys ?

All right, thank you.

I'm Brian Ports.

Let's keep it going for your
next comic,

the very funny and well-endowed,
Tommy!

I took a shit on my owner's
bed tonight.

Yeah, like the horse head in
Godfather.

Message sent.

Stop the show!

Stop the show!

You!

You get off the stage!

This thing is not supposed
to be in the lineup.

Dude, what are you doing?

That was the biggest laugh so
far tonight.

Booker, I'm allergic.

If he touches me, I could die!

He won't touch you.

Come on, let the dog have his
day.

Relax.

Well, make up your mind,
Barrick.

I got some dick jokes
that people need to hear.

I could die.

So what, right?

Yeah, I'm gonna be making
pushy pushy bouncy bouncy

with one of these young
ladies later anyway,

so difference does it make?

Carry on!

Puss in boots.

Huh?

Well, okay then.

Let's talk about my furry dick.

Why do I even care?

This is what I get for
lowering my emotional walls

for another self-centered jerk!

Oh.

May I destroy an owl pillow?

You know, to get my mind off
things.

Oh, of course, honey.

Here, you can destroy this one.

Uh, no.

It kinda needs to be one
you really care about.

Oh.

Okay.

Why?

I can't explain it, okay?

Just, I'm just, not a shitty
one, okay?

I'm very, I'm very emotional
right now.

Okay, okay.

Here, here you go.

You know, I like this one quite
a lot.

- You can, you can destroy this.
- Oh, yes.

Oh, perfect.

Thank you so much.

You better check yourself
before you wreck yourself!

And then the elephant gets
pissed

and turns to the zebra and goes,

"That was a terrible call, ref."

All right, that's my time.

Peace!

Hey, Allan, hold up.

I like your stuff, dude.

Hey, it's the infamous Booker.

Thanks, man.

You know, I saw you on stage
tonight

and I said to myself,

that dog deserves a much larger
audience.

I want you on Live Tonight with
Kenny Baker tomorrow night.

Your life's about to change,
Allan.

Are you ready for this?

I was adopted ready.

Hey, Allan, you got a
place to stay tonight?

No, man.

No worries.

I'll send my car.

You can stay with me.

Sweet!

All right, brother.

Thanks, Booker.

Now, ladies and
gentlemen,

we have a real treat
coming up, which is ironic

because our next guest
absolutely loves treats.

Allan, the dog.

Who here likes cats?

And I want honesty.

With a show of hands, just
go ahead and raise 'em up.

It's okay.

Who here likes cats?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Now get the fuck out.

Welcome back, everyone.

Allan, so great to talk with
you.

You are a really funny dog.

Oh, well, thank you, Kenny.

You're a funny human.

Well, before I forget,
unbelievable guest coming up next.

The Italian stallion himself,

Mr. Sylvester Stallone will be
with us.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, you must be a big fan.

Happy boners don't lie, Kenny.

Hello.

I guess we're gonna need
the old black strip, huh?

Stay with us.

Sylvester Stallone, coming up
next.

Is he coming out right now?

Sly!

Sly!

I gotta be at the garage early
tomorrow.

I'm gonna accept Stan's offer.

There's nothing holding me back
now.

Will you talk to me, Matt?

I can practically hear the walls

being constructed around your
heart.

Matt, communication is
very important to Ellie,

and I noticed a lack of it
recently.

Ever since Allan left,

you've become increasingly
distant and moody.

Look, I'm happy for him.

It's just hard because I always
thought

I was the one keeping Allan
grounded,

reminding him of the
important things in life.

But all this time,

I was just holding him back.

Right now, I need to be alone.

I'm sorry.

Princess Leia.

I feel a cry sesh coming on.

Oh.

Okay.

I'll go get our blankie
and our Lisa Loeb CD.

- Okay, thank you.
- Okay?

Okay.

? You say ?

? I only hear what I want to ?

? I don't listen hard ?

? Don't pay attention to the
distance that you're running ?

? To anyone, anywhere ?

? I don't understand if you
really care ?

? I'm only hearing negative ?

? No, no, no, no ?

Cats are so dumb.

I don't have a joke.

I just thought that was
interesting.

It's really great to be here.

But I have to admit,

I did not realize this was a
strip club.

Daisy, nice work.

Meow means no.

It does.

Meow means no.

That's why I use duct tape.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

Good talk.

- See you later.
- No, no.

Wait, Allan, look.

I saw you on Live Tonight.

You kicked ass, man.

Thanks.

I'm really excited for you

and proud.

Thanks.

I met Sylvester Stallone.

They had a black bar on my happy
boner.

I know.

I'm super jelly, man.

So dude, the furry buddy
games are this week.

What do you say you and I

go for back to back
championships huh?

Ooh.

Unfortunately, this week is bad.

Besides the furry buddy
thing, it's a little low rat.

Booker says I'm big time now.

Seriously?

That's how you're gonna play
this?

For reals, dude.

Lots of auditions.

Gotta strike while the iron's
hot.

Yeah, all right.

Whatever, Allan, fine.

Just make sure you're there
for the award ceremony Friday.

It's tradition for the reigning
champs

to hand over the trophy.

Or are you too busy having
drinks with Sly that day?

LB, brother, LB.

LB?

YBAD.

I BAD?

YBAD if anything.

What?

How am I being a dick?

You're the one who's LHFM.

Oh, oh, oh, for having
the balls to go out

and get the success I deserve?

At least I'm not a BS.

LB, brother.

That's an N effing F!

SBAOTP, brother man.

What?

Wait. SBAOTP.

Oh, yeah, that's right, stabbing
backs all over the place!

How am I stabbing
you in the back, Allan?

She's a human, and you're a dog,
okay?

You're not right for Ellie,
dude.

She's hot and she's
smart and she loves owls,

and you're just an idiot

who's using our jokes to get
famous!

What?

Dude, my stuff is brand new.

But if you wanna L up, let's L
up.

You don't care about
anyone, do you, Allan?

You've already bailed on two
families

because the only thing you
love more than yourself

is the spotlight, and that's
SAF.

You're SAF.

Not as sad as being the ROTL.

You go there?

FU!

No.

Fuck you!

Oh, speaking of fucking, how's
the DW?

You been inside her vagina yet?

FYIFI, asshole,

I haven't spoken to
Ellie in a while, okay?

On your way out the door,
you ruined that too!

FU, Matt.

Fu the fucking fuck you!

Wait, that's good news.

What up, El?

Not much.

Can I come in?

You completely bailed on me,
Matt.

I mean, total radio silence.

And now you're swinging
by unannounced to what?

What's going on with you?

You have any beer?

I have a six pack of The
Hemperor,

a doseist vape pen and THC
eyedrops.

Eyedrops?

Jesus, Ellie.

Yeah, well, it looks like

you've had enough to drink
already.

what's going on, Matt?

Oh.

I saw Allan today.

How is he?

Oh, just, you know, living his
best life

now that I'm not holding him
back anymore.

Matt, that's ridiculous.

The fact is Allan's gone for
good.

I really lost my little buddy,
you know.

And that, that really just hit
me today.

Oh, haven't seen her, huh?

Lying sack of shit much?

I'm sorry, Matt.

I really am.

I mean, if I lost Princess Leia,

I don't know what I would do.

But why are you here?

Look, I,

I don't know why I'm
here, Ellie.

I don't know, you know.

One, one second, I have everything
going for me, everything.

I mean, I got the best
little buddy in the world

and I meet this cool ass chick

and I feel that excitement
again in my life.

And,

I'm here because I lost Allan

and I can't bear the
thought of losing you too.

Ellie, I,

oh, fuck.

I know I'm not some
dangerous green juice barista

who rides motorcycles
and makes dick collages.

I'm just a simple guy

who likes fixing cars

and watching the sunset with
his best buddy, you know.

I promise I will always be there
for you.

I'll even put THC eyedrops in my
eyes.

Fucking crazy, but I'll do it,

because you are the smartest,
coolest,

sexiest, owliest, best dog-owning,
best kissing, loving...

Shut up.

Just shut up.

You had me at what up, El.

From hell's heart, I stab at
thee.

For hate's sake, I spit
my last breath at thee.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa!

Oh, I'll find a way inside,
and I'll kill you, Matt.

Hey, creeper.

Oh,

Well, hi, Princess.

Hey, nice job on TV.

Well, thank you.

I like when you go off
on cat lovers.

It's funny, because cats
suck so bad.

So yeah, it's a nuanced like
that.

Totes.

Oh, what was Sly like?

Does he smell like victory?

Well, well, yes.

That's exactly what he smells
like.

Are you, are you a Sly fan?

Oh, are you kidding?

Look, I know I sound
like a crazy psychopath,

but Rocky V is my fave.

Like when Rocky is beating
the crap out of Tommy Gunn

in the alley, well, it's
more art than movie.

Wow.

Allan?

You okay?

Well, yeah.

I just,

geez, Princess.

Would you like to watch the
original Rocky sometime?

I've seen it like 64 times with
Matt,

but you know, he's dead to me
now.

Yeah, sure, okay.

Awesome.

How about tonight?

We can watch it at the Booker's
house.

Oh, great.

I can send a car for you.

Ooh, fancy.

Oh, but Allan.

Huh?

Is this a date or a friend
day?

Oh, well, you know, we don't
have to put labels on it,

but I'll take a bath.

Hmm.

Lei-lei.

Matt's taking me out for
makeup drinks.

Yeah, I didn't know it was a
thing either.

You good?

Yeah, you go, girl.

Yep, nothing to see here.

Just relaxing on the couch.

Okay, bye-bye.

Okay.

Catch you later.

Hmm.

I'd fuck me.

Are you gonna ask me
in?

Oh, of course, I'm sorry.

Sure, come on in.

I got Rocky all queued up.

I just need to finish
something up in the kitch-yeon.

Okay.

Yo, I'm telling you.

This never fails.

But I don't wanna burn you,
dude.

Oh, don't worry about it,
dude.

I got a high tolerance for pain.

Go for it.

All right.

Hot, hot, hot,
hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot.

Let's do this.

All right, player.

Go ahead and do your business.

Oh, business.

Consider it handled!

What are you doing
here?

Yeah, get in there.

Mm-hmm.

You're hungry.

Oh, yep.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah.

Say hello to my little friend.

I'm sorry, Princess Leia.

At least let me call you an Ubs.

Already on the way.

You ruined something
really special here, Allan.

I was even gonna dress up like
Adrian and let you spank me,

because I may be shy, but I've
been bad.

Booker, she didn't go

for the whole dick in the bucket
thing.

Yo, you got way bigger
problems, bruh.

Your shit is cooked!

Let's take another look

at this shocking video breaking
tonight.

Do you know who I am?

Dude, is that Allan the
dog?

Do you know who I am?

Look, I don't care who you
are.

You're not coming in this bar.

You're too drunk.

You're really not gonna
let me drink in this bar.

No, I'm not gonna tell you
again.

Get outta here.

All right, all good

'Cause guess what.

Now, this is happening.

You see that squirrel right
there?

Yeah.

This is on you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Whoa, whoa whoa, let go, let go!

Doggone busted.

Exclusive tonight, we are
confirming here on Doggone News

that Allan the dog is
the long lost brother

of the world famous,
award-winning Pinscher brothers.

We go live right now to our
correspondent, Zoey Spencer,

standing by in the field
with Allan's brother,

blue ribbon champion,
the magnificent Chester.

Chester, what do you
have to say

about your estranged brother's
recent fall from grace?

Yeah, we feel sorry for him.

If this is what Allan ran away
to become,

we don't understand it.

I will say this.

He was right about keeping my
knees up.

And what does Allan's
original comedy partner

think of Allan's fall from fame?

The whole abbrevs
thing is so played out.

Get some new material, Allan.

Do you still talk to him?

No!

No, no!

Allan, because Allan's not a
real friend.

All Allan cares about is
attention

and getting people to love him.

And he's got that now, which is
great.

So (BLEEP) him, okay?

Hey!

Hey, no filming in here!

(BLEEP) you!

Give me that!

- You piece of (BLEEP)!
- Damn.

Charlie Sheen ain't got shit on
you!

Oh, man.

Come on, Booker.

We can beat this.

You, me and that bag of coke
over there,

we can do it.

Together, man.

Good luck, Allan.

Man, if we ever pull your
way back up to the top,

call me, bruh.

But, but.

Hmm.

Hello?

Allan, is that you?

Allan?

Time to crown the winners,
Matt.

When do we expect Allan?

Oh, I'm sorry, man,

but Allan and I had kind of a
falling out.

I think I'm just gonna have
to crown the winner myself.

Ah, shucks.

That's a bummer.

Yeah.

Will you hold this furry
buddy?

Just for the photo op after
we announce the winners.

All right.

She's adorable.

Really?

You seriously missed the giant
balls

at the base of this great
pecker?

Oh, I'm sorry, dude.

Oh, yeah, they're they,

ww, those are not small.

You can look.

I like it.

Take a selfie.

Just use the hashtag my baby
girls.

A true friend is somebody
who thinks you're a good egg

even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.

Come on, who
writes this cheese?

He let me keep my balls, people.

I sure don't want him licking
mine.

Vanilla
Ice likes spicy fucking rice!

Boom!

I love you, my man!

I love you!

Oh, god!

Yeah, all right.

All right.

Hey, I remember that.

Today?

I'm coming for you, Matt.

I'm gonna be there for you!

And now, for the moment
you've all been waiting for.

The winner of the 10th annual
furry buddy championship is...

Matt!

Matt!

Matt, it's me, Allan.

Chuck and Indiana Dan.

No!

Welcome back, welcome back.

You're listening to Chuey
Martinez,

and this is a new
segment we'd like to call

where are they now.

We've been talking to Matt and
Ellie,

to people who care very,
very much about Allan,

the dog, not the celebrity.

So I'm gonna ask both of you
right now.

If Allan's listening, what
do you wanna say to him?

Oh, thanks, Chuey.

Look, I just wanna say,

hey, Allan, please come home,
buddy.

I didn't mean to call
you the ROTL, all right?

It was messed up.

You're the best dog I've ever
had.

You're the best dog in the
entire world!

I just, I love you.

We miss you, Allan.

And I love you too.

Just not that way.

You know, I love you like a
friend, 'cause we're friends.

Friendsies!

I'm sorry.

Hey, Princess,
I know you're there too.

And
I guess I forgive you

for the whole popcorn sitch.

I was just surprised, that's
all.

It's not like I'm not DTF.

Don't be shy.

Come on by.

Pet a former celeb.

What happens at the
pier stays at the pier.

Anybody?

Hmm, I wonder what washed
up celebrity tastes like.

You can smell the desperation.

Ooh, I bet desperation

tastes good, boss.

Patience, Kevin.

Too many people around.

Can anybody help a dog out?

Hey, isn't that Allan the dog?

Oh, shit.

It's that birthday brat.

That is him.

You wanna pet him?

He looks kinda dirty.

Please.

You want me like quiet?

Like I'm sorta resisting
but secretly like it?

Or just all in?

Resisting.

All right, let's do this.

Oh, no.

The 'gram is gonna love this.

No.

Really get in there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
that's five bucks, dad.

Here you go.

This should cover whatever that
was.

Just don't tell your mom about
this.

All right.

Great job on the sign, dude.

How much you make out?

Oh, Fred, slow day.

I mean, do you,

do you know how much
like a gun would cost?

Actually, you know what?

I think it's just cheaper
if you just walk out

into the ocean with all your
clothes on.

Let Poseidon sort out the rest.

Jesus Christ.

I don't know, Fred.

I guess, I guess I'll see you
tomorrow.

Okay.

See you tomorrow, Allan.

Trust.

Hey, Allan.

Uh-huh.

If you do make it up to
heaven,

will you ask my ex-girlfriend
what the Netflix password is?

That's fucking crazy,
Fred, but I'll do it.

Hmm.

I think he went that a-way
dude.

Thanks, man.

Looky here, fellas.

I love it when I catch dinner
eating dinner.

Yeah.

Don't worry, Princess Leia.

Once we find Allan, we're
gonna...

Wait, wait, there he is!

Stop the car!

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Princess Leia, wait!

Allan!

Ah.

Allan!

This day just keeps getting
better.

No, Princess Leia, don't come
over here!

Oh, god.

Come here!

Got you!

You lay one paw on
her, and I swear to...

You were saying?

Oh, I see.

Is this your girlfriend?

How adorable.

Well, don't worry.

This will be a romantic ending.

Oh, yes.

You'll be together as one

in my poop!

Beautifully expressed, boss.

Leia!

Deal with her, boys.

I love an audience!

I love an audience too.

In fact, the more, the merrier.

Huh?

Princess Leia, go for the
popcorn.

Give it all you've got!

Huh?

Oh, man,
we're gonna get you now.

You better check yourself

before you go and wreck
yourself.

Whoa, bitch!

Ooh, you go, girl.

Huh.

That's gonna leave a mark.

Boss, are you okay?

I don't think so.

Ain't gonna be no rematch.

Buddy.

Oh, god.

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, buddy.

- Are you okay, buddy?
- Oh, my god, I'm okay.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

No, it's my fault.

No, it's my fault.

Oh, god, Matt.

I was so scared.

Me too.

And I'm pretty sure I peed
myself.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I'm soaking wet.

Oh, is Ellie and Princess
Leia standing right there?

- Yeah.
- Goddammit.

Oh, man.

That was crazy, Allan.

We kinda fucked those
coyotes up, didn't we?

We sure did.

And you know, I was all man

up until the moment I wet
myself.

Oh, 100%.

Good.

I missed you, buddy.

I missed you too.

You know what?

It was, it was more
than that though, Allan.

Being away, I realized that I,

I need you, pal.

I need you too.

So how are things at the shop?

Ah, same old.

They're good though.

You know, Stan made me full
partner.

Oh, dude, that's awesome,
dude.

I'm proud of you.

Thanks.

What about you?

What do you have next?

Oh, man.

I might have a few reality
TV shows left in me,

washed up celeb type stuff.

But, oh, bro, I'm finished.

Finished?

Come on, Allan.

You know better than anyone,

life isn't about how hard you
hit.

It's about how hard you get
hit and keep moving forward.

That's what winning is about.

Rocky Balboa, part six.

Well, okay, whatcha thinking?

Comeback
show.

Oh, god, no.

All right, first day.

Take it easy, all right.

We got this.

I got this.

I'm killing it.

Three, two, one, go!

- Come on!
- Oh!

Pulled a hammy, dude.

Pulled a hammy.

Come on, Allan!

Apollo
Creed can't criticize Kanye...

For being a cool, cold,
calculating...

Kanye is a cat!

No, he's not!

I suck!

Come on, Allan,

- you got this.
- I can't do it.

- It's too hard.
- Ready?

Go, start from the beginning.

Here we go, when I'm done with
you,

you're gonna eat lightning
and crap thunder!

Hmm.

For the love of god, can we
please scramble these fuckers?

We got this!

We got this!

Yeah!

Oh, god, can you hold on a
second?

I think I've got a boo-boo on my
knee.

One.

- Go, go, push!
- You always do this thing.

Come on!

Don't be such a little bitch!

Too far.

Sorry, yeah, that was too
much.

Too far.

All right.

Yeah, hi.

Is the patient in 7B still
alive?

Yeah, according to my
record.

Oh, oh, great.

That is a relief.

I have a gift for the little
guy.

Come on, three more!

Three!

Go, keep going!

49.

Come on, Allan!

50!

Yeah!

Apollo
Creed can't criticize Kanye

for being a cool, cold,
calculated cat.

Yeah!

Go!

You did it!

Yeah, my man, yeah!

Yeah!

Woo-hoo!

Let's go, Allan!

Yeah!

Thank you so much for
coming out tonight, everybody.

And now, without further fucking
ado,

are you ready for a
comedy resurrection, huh?

Yeah!

All right.

Well then, I give you Allan the
dog.

Oh, yeah!

Awesome.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you.

I love it.

Thank you.

I have a big surprise for
everyone here tonight.

Yeah, no, let it out.

It's all good.

I forgive Allan.

Give it up for Blinky, yo.

He's doing all right there.

And I've got great news.

100% of tonight's proceeds are
going to Blinky's recovery,

so that's fantastic.

In just two short weeks,
they're gonna remove the rod

holding his brain together.

Yeah, give it up for him.

Yeah.

Thanks, Blinky.

You are an inspiraysh
to us all, for reals.

Holy schnikies, my
brothers are here tonight.

Chester, wow.

Dude, congrats on the blue
ribbon, my man, for real.

That's awesome, dude.

And how many times have I
told you growing up knees up?

Yeah, nice work.

And guys, I owe you all a form
apol for bailing on the fam.

You know, and from the heart,
all I can really say is

now that I'm more famous than
you guys, we're all good.

No, no, no, I'm just kidding,
man.

You know, it's not about fame.

No, man, it's not about fame at
all.

And there's way more
important things in life.

And someone here that's very
special to me taught me that,

my best friend, Matt.

Can you give him a hand?

He's right here in the front row
here.

Yeah.

Love you, dude.

I, I've had sex with this guy's
leg.

Yeah, if only it was
consensual.

Thank god leg rape isn't a
thing.

Yo, this dog just pulled
up the PR job of the century.

Prepare a standard two-year
and get down here now.

Wow, you guys have been
such a great audience.

Yeah, thank you so much.

Thank you, Barrick, for having
us.

Thank you, Blinky.

Peace!

We love you, Allan.

Whoo!

Oh, thank you, buddy.

Yeah!

I know you could do it.

Get ready for the next level, my
friend.

Bang out an X right here

and you will be the most famous
dog

that ever walked the earth.

Bigger than Snoopy?

Snoopy who?

Leave here with me tonight,
Allan, and your life changes.

What about Matt?

What about him?

We'll throw some oil changes his
way,

but we've got the world to
conquer.

Come on.

Let's see here.

You know what, Booker?

I'll pass.

I'm gonna stick with the guy

who stands by me no matter what.

That's love, and there's nothing
more important than that.

Damn.

Allan!

Excuse me, excuse me.

Allan!

Allan!

Princess Leia.

I love you.

I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I write pretty much all the
jokes, so.

Matt!

Hey.

Ow!

Oh!

I gotta admit, Allan's
pretty damn funny.

I

forgive

Allan.

Yeah.

Me too.

Ugh.

Oh, fuck!

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