All language subtitles for Get.Her.If.You.Can.2019.SPANISH.BRRip.XviD.MP3-VXT

"Therefore by reducing factories

and employees,
we can manage to refloat. .

Refloat?

Yes?

"Refloat."

Going over the speech
you forgot the company builds ships?

What?

You like a play on words or what?

I didn't notice.

Of course you didn't.

See if you notice this.
Call Human Resources.

Tell them I want a new assistant
waiting in the office.

Oh, that you noticed, huh?

Get your things and leave.

Is that coffee for you?

For you.
Double espresso.

With stevia.

Is it raining?

No.

I didn't think so.

Print a new one and take it
to the boardroom.

-Stevia and coffee separate, correct?
-Correct.

Perfect. After that, get your things
and leave.

What you have to understand
is Mr. Allende-Salazar doesn't like protocol.

He prefers a relaxed atmosphere.

And what is very important

and you cannot do
under any circumstances is...

It's better just to keep
your mouth shut.

Understood?

Places, everyone.

Mayte!

How are you?

You're late. And your sister
is pissed about your reclusion.

That's always been the problem.
Same genes,

different priorities.

That's why today's

board meeting will decide
if the company

will follow your priorities
or your sister's.

Meet Yuma,

my new spiritual adviser.

That's right, Mayte.

Instead of bringing back
a tribal mask or a pot,

I brought a shaman
like a souvenir.

But when you're trying to save
the fate of your company

and the world,
you need the best advisers.

That's why I have you.

And now Yuma as well.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome, Mr. Allende-Salazar.

Mr. Allende-Salazar?

No! Don't call me that.

Call me Roberto, Robertico,

Robertiño, Tuco,
Berto...

But don't call me Mr. Allende-Salazar.

That was my father. If you want
to call someone Mr. Allende-Salazar,

try my sister.

Good morning, Roberto.

These are the factories
your sister proposes closing.

She's also made a report
on personnel reduction

according to performance
and seniority.

Mayte, don't worry.

I'll take this meeting to safe harbor.

You're so hard on naval humor.

What's this?

This? Mr... Roberto gave it to me.

But he needs those reports
for the meeting right now.

Why did he give them to you?
What is this, "The Cat in the Hat"?

Therefore by reducing

factories and employees,
we can manage to increase dividends...

Hi!

What my sister is telling you...

Hi. Closing factories and letting
people go, is no longer necessary.

Excuse me?

Ladies and gentlemen,

this... is not just a simple turbine.

This...

is the future.

I could explain the complex process
of obtaining energy from waves,

saving 40% of fuel, but let's be honest.

You wouldn't understand
and you don't care.

You'd much rather skip straight
to the hors d'oevres, am I right?

Now that my brother has finished
tooting his own horn,

as usual,

-we can continue.
-No. Look.

The plan my sister wants to propose
to the shareholders

next month to face the crisis we're in

is...

is... basically that.

Close factories, fire people...
The typical fear approach.

What did CMA-CMG do last year?

Fire people and stop building new ships.
And how are they now?

The same. I propose we innovate.

And change the world

with this small work of art.

Yes, but the time to innovate

is when things are good,
not when you're sinking.

A naval play on words, I love it.

I want to sail ahead,
you want to drop the anchor.

Sorry, Roberto, but that's not
how things work.

First we choose which project
to present to the board.

Okay.

Shall we?

Sorry, Daniela, but that's not
how things work.

Any decision has to be made
by you, me and Fernando.

Where is Fernando?

You haven't heard.
Of course.

There's no Wi-Fi in the Amazon.

Fernando gave me his vote
for life.

What?

Shall we decide?

Who wants to propose
a doodle of a turbine to the board?

Who doesn't?

Don't have too much fun
at the shipping company Christmas party

because afterwards
we have to clean the spill.

Is that too much?

No, it's totally your style.

The typical joke nobody laughs at
but whoever does pisses themself.

Oh.

Thanks.

By the way,

if you happen to run into
Roberto Allende-Salazar,

show him this photo of me.

Hey, of course!

That's exactly what I should do
in my first audition all year.

Did I mention it's December?

I'll send it to you.

Good lord,

look at him!

You're really saying
you don't think he's hot?

No.

I'm into typical arty-farty hipsters.

They call them dad-bods now,
but they're the same old chubsters.

They type of guy who's never
been with a girl like you.

Who idolizes you, worships you,
asks for permission to ejaculate

and who you end up going out with
longer because you're trapped

in a mix of love and pity.

Until you say: "That's enough.

You can't dump all your insecurities
on me."

And you leave him.

And the guy leaves
and two days later he's over it.

And not just that,
he's much better than you.

He starts going to the gym,
gets a great job,

dates a pretty girl, smart,
nice, with a blog...

And that's when you say:

"Maybe I wasn't so out of his league.

Maybe I let the man of my dreams...

get away.'

That's the type of guy I like.
You should know that by now.

Your pass is ready.

Thank you.

Come with me to the elevator?

Yeah.

Bye.

Hey, you took the magazines.

The blonde in administration,
you know which one I mean?

Yeah, I made a move
and she's going down, you'll see.

Come on, you're not fooling anyone.
You're not the fucker type.

Okay, you're a nice guy,

you have conversation and
if you work at it, a girl might go for you.

But look at you and look at me.

I've got something else.

I give off sex.

Any girl, 100% of them
would rather fuck me than you.

-Yeah, right.
-Excuse me.

-Which one of us would you fuck?
-What?

If we were in a bar or nightclub

and we both hit on you,
who would you leave with?

The first taxi driver who stops?

Come on, lighten up.
You must like one of us more.

I like girls.
I'm a lesbian, okay?

Leave me alone, I'm concentrating.

-Okay, yeah, but...
-No buts.

You lesbians sure can be
nasty bitches.

Excuse me, is he bothering you?

Good one, good one.

-What, Roberto, you want her to pick you?
-I don't pick any of you. This isn't Tinder.

Damn, how many floors are there?
Is this Dubai or what?

Come on, baby.
It's not so hard.

We only want your opinion.
What do you think of us?

You want to hear what I think of you?

Hello!

Why did you give Daniela your vote?

I knew you'd come, Roberto.

I had to get 20 permits to come in here
and you signed them.

Have a seat.

Are you going to tell me
why you gave Daniela your vote?

Look, Roberto.

I can take bullets and trenches,

but my little brother
demanding answers from me

like a rooster busts my balls.

What bullets and trenches?

The only time you've left Madrid
in a uniform

was for your communion in Salamanca
dressed as a sailor.

Look.

This is a turbine that will
revolutionize ship building.

And your sister refuses to make it
because her only idea

is to close factories and fire people.

Great.

But I gave Dan iela my vote for life,
so you'll have to convince her.

Here's what we'll do.
Give me your vote this time.

Because you know I'm right,
I'll change the world, that I'm a genius,

and next time
you can give Daniela your vote.

You don't understand the term
"for life?"

Why would you?
You never commit to anything.

You get a tattoo
and it becomes a sticker.

I want out of the company, Roberto.

Then give me your vote.
Why give it to uptight Daniela?

Because all you do is party.

And occasionally, if you don't have

a hangover, you have a good idea.
But not Daniela.

Daniela is married to the company,
she lives for it.

But that's much worse,
don't you see?

Daniela has no social life,
she never goes out.

You know what that means?

She has no defenses.

She's not trained.

I'm a general of seduction,
I train every weekend.

Daniela is easy prey
for any gold digger.

She's the Treasure Island of singles.

No, no, no. Daniela works all day long.

She has no time for flings.

-Wanna bet?
-What?

-Let's make a bet.
-What do you mean?

I'll make her fall madly in love
with someone

before next month's
shareholder meeting.

If I do, you give me your vote
for life.

And if you don't?

-What?
-Come on.

I have to win something too, right?

The turbine.

-Who is this guy?
-Yuma, my spiritual guide.

And the worst adviser of all time.
We're not betting the turbine.

Very good idea, Yama.

-Yuma.
-Very good idea, Yama Yuma.

If you lose, you license
the turbine to the Spanish navy.

Impossible. Wouldn't you rather bet
a spiritual guide

who can be a dickhead
sometimes?

No.

The turbine

or there's no bet.

Okay.

Deal!

What are you doing?

This is my guarantee.

Knowing you, it's the only sketch
you have, kid.

No, I have plenty more.

Shit!

GET HER... IF YOU CAN

Check.

You see?

Sometimes you have to retreat
to stay afloat.

I prefer to sail ahead.

Look at Apple,

investing in new advances

made them number one
in their sector.

Apple? The company that fired its creator

for being an egomaniac and a megalomaniac
when they were in crisis?

The same that hired him back for
his innovative ideas and went to the top.

Hi.

Yeah, when they'd fixed the hole
his previous ideas had caused.

Hi.

Can you get out of the way?

Checkmate.

Goodbye.

Yuma.

Yuma.

Yuma!

Whatdo Ido?

She's a rock.

Tall, short, blonde, dark-haired,
primitive,

direct, sensitive
and with a world inside...

My sister hasn't wavered
with any of them.

Women.

No disrespect intended,

but I'm not exactly sure

if you're being derogatory like:

"Women, nobody understands them" or...

are suggesting that Daniela
likes women?

Passion is like the wind.

Nobody knows which way it will blow.

Every day I'm more convinced
that taking you out

of that hut in the jungle
is the best thing I've ever done.

-Are the board members seated?
-Yes.

-And the minister?
-Yes.

-He brought his wife?
-Yes.

-Daniela.
-You can go.

I need someone to help me
with the viability plan.

Which of these candidates do you like?

You hiring attractive women?
How strange.

They're not that great.
Which would you say is so...

attractive?

Good evening

and welcome to the Allende-Salazar
company Christmas party.

You really had nothing better to do?

Because at least I'm getting paid.

No!

I'm here because...

they're paying me.
But the rest of you

have come to have a nice time

and let yourselves go.

But don't get too sloshed,

afterwards we have to clean the spill.

This is the girl who came
to heat things up?

My new assistant thought
she'd be more dynamic.

A mistake that will cost him dearly.

What is this?

The comedian we hired for the event.

We talked about a professional comedian.

Someone like Ellen DeGeneres
or Jimmy Fallon.

-Who is this?
-Isabel Fuentes.

She's highly regarded
on the underground circuit.

Underground?

Do I look underground to you?
Do I?

Is the Allende-Salazar company

-underground to you?
-No.

Do you even know what underground means?

That she works in the subway.

Go on, get your things.

I didn't bring anything here with me.

Of course. How underground.

Go to the office, get your things
and leave.

Have them send someone else.

Underground.

I love company Christmas

parties.

Basically because I can drink like crazy,

I can let my hair down,

I can be myself in front of the bosses.

The bad thing is the hangover
the following Monday

in the unemployment line.

That's okay, I'll take over from here.

-Good evening.
-Exactly.

Good evening to the man of the year,

Roberto Allende-Salazar.

Who you all know for his talent

for looking handsome
in the tabloids.

No, this man

and his siblings inherited
an empire,

the Allende-Salazar company.

Your home, your company.

And running a company isn't easy.
It takes effort,

sweat.

But it's so nice to see the fruit
of all that effort and work, right?

Roberto can take the company jet

to have a cocktail in Hawaii.

It's too bad you broke up with Barbie.

But I have all of your dolls.

I'm sure it didn't affect you.

You're a man with self-esteem.

You can tell.

Roberto likes himself

so much that in his wallet,

the ID card and driver's license
are kissing each other.

He likes himself so much
that his Instagram photos

like themselves.

Roberto isn't one of those millionaires

who compensate for a small penis
buying flashy cars.

No.

Roberto builds ships
that are 600 feet of length.

That's a lot to compensate,
huh, Roberto?

And that's how I got the idea.

Of course, I didn't realize
I was fast asleep.

Thank you, good night.

I'm such an idiot.

Come on, don't torture yourself.

Look at me. I've never lasted
more than one month in a job

and here I am, doing great.
Any corn nuts left?

They only let me do my act here
because I tend bar.

Any stand-up job I get
is important to me.

I'm an idiot.

-What's wrong?
-I'm an idiot.

She had to do a stand-up act
at a company Christmas party

and ended up roasting the owner.

-My future ex-husband, by the way.
-Look, sweetie.

We're comedians. We go anywhere
the joke takes us.

Euthanasia is illegal, but there's no law
against professional suicide.

Professional suicide, don't exaggerate.
Any corn nuts left?

isa, I don't understand how you can be

so funny and such a pain
at the same time.

What, you took a dig at
Roberto Allende-Salazar?

So what?

You think he's at his mansion crying?
Of course not.

-No?
-He's probably

swimming in 500-euro bills
and drinking champagne.

Rich people forget everything
in two seconds. Besides,

you'll never see him again.

-Never.
-Hi.

I have a job offer for you.

Can we talk for a second?

-Yes.
-No.

To tell the truth, I don't like
hipster post-humor.

It sounded like a childish way
to cover up envy, but hey.

We all have to deal with
grade school trauma.

And why did you come?

Because I don't think you're funny,
but my sister does.

She hasn't laughed like that
in years.

The last time was at school
when she got the math teacher fired.

So I want you to seduce her.

-What?
-I've told you a thousand times.

Your style has a lot of personality.

But it's a fine line between
hip and dyke.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Alexia, nice to meet you.

I'm Alex. Hers is the only
different name.

This is a serious job like any other.
Here's the contract.

If your girlfriend doesn't mind.

Me? No, I like men. A lot.

Especially dark, elegant and classy men.

Pretty much like you.

-More than pretty much.
-Same goes for me.

-Can you give us a second?
-Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Bye.

Basically it says

you'll be my employee
for a period of 3 weeks.

You'll have to do anything I say,
including,

but not limited to, questions of seduction,

undergo exhaustive sophistication
training and a possible make-over.

Is that really how rich people hook up?

Tell your sister to go on Tinder.
Or to buy the company.

My sister has nothing to do with this.
In fact, she can't know.

It's all in the contract. I can pay someone
to read it to you if you want.

No amount of money in the world

will make me accept this.

I'm not offering you money.

I'm going to make your dream true.

And I don't mean me.
I'm every woman's dream.

Well, 80% of women.

You lesbians make up
the other 20%.

Though genetically
my sister should be your dream.

So I might make two of your dreams
come true. You're welcome.

Your brain and tongue are in love
and they left out your ears, right?

If you don't mind,
I have an empty bar to tend.

I don't think you get it.

I won't insult you with a money offer.

You obviously don't care about money,
I can tell.

But as an artist

you have a dream
I can make come true.

Woman, comedian, thirtysomething...
You think success is around the corner?

I have money and contacts
to produce series, films, programs,

host the Goyas, the Feroz,
marketing campaigns so aggressive

a monologue goes viral
in every corner of the country.

I can make you so big

even Seinfeld from the 90's
will be jealous of you.

What do you say?

How do I know you're telling
the truth?

Contracts with a TV channel
I have shares in

for two films and a late show,
all starring

a woman comedian.

Isabel, can I get a drink?

If you're going to seduce someone
professionally,

you need a good make-over,
like "Pretty Woman."

But if it's for a lesbian, an "ugly woman"
make-over might be better.

Your lesbophobic jokes
are the worst.

First, the word is lesbophobe.

Second, lesbians love my lesbian jokes
more than anyone.

I do lots of trucker bars.

How cute!

Can I borrow it?

-Will you help me or not?
-Of course.

That's what we're doing.

I have an infallible tactic
for picking someone up.

-Cleavage.
-Don't be vulgar.

Jägermeister.

A little for you and a lot for her.
Never fails.

I need to seduce her,
not steal her liver.

Girls, I'm the expert here
in seducing women.

What? Who are you going to listen to,

Miss Jägermeister and her running
of the bulls seduction tactics or me?

I can teach you to make eyes
like Marlene Dietrich,

to tone down your humor and be
charming like Katharine Hepburn

or the mystery of Greta Garbo.

To learn from the most
prestigious lesbians.

Katharine Hepburn and Greta Garbo
were lesbians?

Good lord, you have so much to learn.

Well, I'm not going to study.

These are Dan iela's favorite books.
Study them.

She subscribes to these magazines:
interior design, architecture and fashion.

Fashion is something
people with style

consider when they dress.

Are you after my comedian job?

What comedian job?

Let's get to work. Time is gold
and my gold is paying for your time.

Okay, Fort Knox.

What are you doing?

Read those books at home,
they're your homework.

Today we're doing analysis.
A thorough study

of the best romantic comedies

to prepare an infallible plan of conquest.

I heard a little Jägermeister
does the trick.

Take this.

I have to starta diary?

No, we're taking notes.
Take this seriously, it's important.

Okay. Notes, take it seriously,
no Jägermeister.

Will you take it seriously?

Totally.

I'm just a girl

in front of a boy

asking him to love her.

Goodbye.

Isabel.

-Isabel!
-Yeah, sorry.

I was processing the information.

Okay.

Considering the differences between
a dessert fork and a fruit fork,

which is the dessert fork?

Snails.

Oysters.

I really don't get you rich people.

You pay the price of gold
for disgusting things

nobody would want for free.

But since they're expensive,
you think you're special for eating them.

And you fall in the trap.

Are you saying this tastes better
than a Spanish omelet?

Oysters are an exquisite delicacy.

Look at Yuma.

-He hasn't touched it.
-Don't be ignorant.

Yuma is a raw vegan.

And I'm an ovo-lacto vegetarian.

You know I'm right.

I hope Social Security covers
a shortsightedness operation

because you need one.

Right. Okay.

After the wonderful world of forks,

what's the next super-interesting

super-fun rich people thing

we're going to do?
Go to the opera?

Come on, we're late.

Yeah, sorry. I got held up.

And the dress I sent you?

Very nice, thanks.
I'll wear it on New Year's.

It was for tonight.
Why didn't you wear it?

A little too much for a concert, no?

A concert? This is the opera.
You have to dress appropriately.

Yeah, I see you're dressed perfectly
for an opera. In 1870.

Today's the centenary.

Of your suit?

Let's go inside.

Come on!

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I was processing the song.

I agree.

Will you watch?

Yes!

When it was over I wanted to shout
"encore, encore!"

Can you imagine if everyone
would have joined me?

-Roberto, how are you?
-Manuel.

I heard you're going to San Francisco.

Your outfit is very amusing.

Very.., modern.

Yeah? It's a French designer.

Bershka.

Oh, right.

She's the reason
you're going to lose the bet.

-Goodbye.
-See you later.

Bye!

A woman?

But Daniela isn't... Is she?

Well, okay. But if I had to pick
a girl,

I would have gone with something
a little classier.

Hello, I'm right here.

Oh, you're banging her, right?

Go to the opera,
a little shopping later...

You're doing a "Pretty Woman," right?

I can see she's from the hood.

I see your brother is an officer
but not a gentleman.

I'm going back to the hood.

What a temper.

Looks like bikes are good for transport
and learning karate.

This is how people from the hood do it.

Pay no attention to my brother.

He's kind of a schmuck sometimes.

You're the one giving me protocol classes
and sending me clothes to dress to your liking.

If you don't think I'm good enough
for your sister,

why did you hire me?

Because you're funny, smart
and the only one who made her laugh.

Now we have to find
a good situation

for you and Dan iela to meet
for the first time.

It has to be like in romantic comedies.

Casual but awkward and tender
at the same time.

Should I spill juice on her
like in "Notting Hill"?

No. We have to use something she likes
to seduce her. Opera, chess...

Perfect. III hit her with a chess board.

No. Equestrian.

Golf.

-Polo.
- Roberto...

-Sailing?
-It doesn't have to be snobby.

Okay, okay, okay.

I've got it.

Sensitivity to art.

Oh, I have a friend who's

-an illustrator...
-No.

Tomorrow there's a private inauguration

in a gallery with a select group
of collectors.

Great idea.

I have a confession to make.

I'm a rich people racist.

A "rich-phobe."

Yeah, laugh, but they give me the creeps.

It's actually not normal to be
a "rich-phobe" like me.

Normally we're fascinated by them.

Admit it.

If they pay their taxes and don't cheat
the IRS, we think they're heroes.

"The other day I met Ama ncio Ortega."

"Yeah? What was he like?"

"Totally normal."

Sure. Poor people aren't satisfied
with being normal.

We have to be smart or nice
or charismatic, right?

Nobody says about their friend Marta:

"My friend Marta is totally normal."

If your friend Marta is totally normal,

it means she's boring as shit.

Well?

Well, what?

How's the "Pretty Woman" thing going?

Wonderfully.

Yeah, you look much more refined.

Like Lady Di, Jackie 0, Kendall J...

Yeah, I'm all elegance now.

Oh, by the way, I took the dress

my future ex-husband sent you.

The idiot sends me a dress
to wear to the opera.

Like I don't know how to dress.
And it was long,

red, like for a wedding

-or New Year's.
-No, it wasn't red.

It's this one. It came with a note

that said: "Dress for the art gallery."

And since I'm a monument...

The guy is such a pain.

At least he isn't making you study now.

These are the artists we just saw
in the gallery. Learn them in order.

My sister will be invited
to come here.

You'll be admiring the beauty
of the works of art

and when you casually begin to speak,
you'll amaze her with your knowledge.

Sure, don Juan's infallible
seduction technique:

An oral exam on art history.

I added a book about Rothko.
She loves abstract expressionism.

-Who doesn't?
-Of course.

Seriously, I don't get this plan of yours.

You don't have to get it,
just follow it.

Okay, let's watch romantic comedies.

More?

We've been watching
romantic movies for 3 days.

-None that we've seen works for you?
-No.

-You know the part they never show?
-What?

That after the first date,
she goes home

and he jerks off.

Hugh Grant goes in the bathroom
and beats off.

Come on, don't be crude.
We're not all monkeys.

What's wrong with it?
Why isn't that romantic?

Does him jerking off while thinking
about her mean he doesn't deserve her?

I'd feel flattered.

And you think she doesn't masturbate?
Sure she does, they both do.

They don't know it, but they're
making love from a distance.

But no, they expect us to believe

they both go home
to gaze at the stars.

What, nobody wants to fuck
Julia Roberts or Hugh Grant?

Well, not the present day Hugh Grant,
the one from "Notting Hill."

And the one from
"Four Weddings and a Funeral"?

I'd check under that hood too.

If I was heterosexual, of course.

What about Julia Roberts
in "My Best Friend's Wedding"?

Under the hood.
You?

Oil change and everything.

And in "Erin Brockovich"?

A woman, with power,
defying multinationals...

Full oil change and a platinum card.
You?

Miniskirt and an environmental activist?
Always.

And in "Pretty Woman"?

She's from the hood in that one.

For a second I thought
my joke bothered you.

Not at all. I loved it.

I have to go.

Weren't you going to give me
one of your protocol classes?

I can't. I'm going to the TED Talks
in San Francisco. Renewables are stagnating,

people need inspiration.

And what are you going to do?

Go to Primark to buy panties.

But after the San Francisco thing
that sounds a little

-tacky, huh?
-Yeah.

Okay.

Luis, put all this on my tab. This bar
is like my home, order anything you want.

Luis, Cutty Sark with ginger ale.

Make it three.
I'm going to invite two friends.

-Is that okay?
-Sure.

Yeah, my cell phone is too old.

I bet yours is a transformer
half spaceship, half food processor.

But I think it's crazy to change phones
every six months. The planet will end up

being a pile of thrown away furniture.

I totally agree.
I always say the same thing.

Programmed obsolescence

is evil...

Steel bird is waiting.

It's not that Yuma doesn't know
what an airplane is.

That's the name of the company jet.
I named it.

Yuma, if you keep showing up like that,
you'll scare me to death.

I don't know if your sister
is into necrophilia.

I'll see you in 48 hours.

-Study!
-I will.

Alexia, I have an open tab
in a super-posh bar.

Be careful.

You start with a few free drinks

and you know how you end up.

How do I end up? A hooker?

Hey, we both know you already are.

But no offense, I'm not judging you.

We've all been through that.

What?

When I was young I went to Ibiza
to live it up.

Lots of parties, spending...
And in the end,

it's logical.

I had to prostitute myself.
High class prostitution.

And that's where I met

Jacqueline. Jacqueline!

Why do you whisper her name?

Jacqueline!

Where's the bathroom?

-Over there.
-Great.

No. It's...

Oh. A kleptomaniac. Fine.

Alexia, I have an open tab
in a super-posh bar.

I ordered you a drink,
but they have

a wine that...

Damn, fuck me!

Sorry.

I think you left a white spot.

I'm so sorry, I'm the worst.

Don't worry about it.
It's okay. Look.

You see?

You need to be more
of a perfectionist with these things.

That's true.

Aren't you the one from
my company's Christmas party?

Yeah. It was good, huh?

Do you want my shirt?

No.

Please. I would feel much better

-if you let me help you.
-No, really. I'm sure you love

that shirt. It must have been
very hard to find.

On sale.

I need clothes right now.

Yeah, talk to Rosita.
One of the white Hermes shirts.

Tell your girlfriend
I'm with the Italian consul

and celebrate your anniversary
another day.

What?

Some things in life are more
important than what?

Look, honey, I hope those things
aren't on your desk in your office

because I'm having the security guard
get your things

and throw them in the garbage.

The sale begins.

You're going to laugh,

but that shirt...

I didn't buy it on sale.

I bought it in Paris when I was

at the opera.

-What are you doing?
-No, what are you doing?

You were going to attack me, huh?
The wine was a scam.

Where's the chloroform?

What chloroform?
You had wine on your neck.

And I was trying to flirt.

A little.

Well...

Thanks, I guess.

You're welcome.

Hey.

-You're not giving me your number?
-What?

To give you back your shirt
when it's clean.

Here's my office number.

They'll handle it.

-Yes?
-Dry cleaning service.

You're not from the dry cleaners.

True. I'm Isabel, a friend of Daniela's.
I brought her shirt.

Oh, yes. Thank you.

Can I give it to her?

She has one of mine.

I'll bring it to you.

Wait here.

Wait here without moving.

Good.

Daniela!

What's up?

Boxer.

Oh, thanks.

Your maid almost wouldn't let me in,
can you believe it?

I don't see why not.

Because you gave us this photo
and said not to let her in.

Hey, someone looked me up
on Facebook.

You just lost your job
all by your little self.

Get your things and leave.

I need to start hiring people
with their stuff ready to go.

Okay, I should come back some other time.

Come back, why?
You have your shirt.

-Leave.
-You're making this pretty hard.

Making what hard?

Dealing with you.
Talking like a normal person.

I brought you your shirt personally,
I washed it and ironed it.

Me, ironing!

You're right.

-Coffee?
-Coffee would be great.

Okay, you'll have to make it
since Rosita is leaving.

The kitchen is there. I'm going to shower.
When you're done,

get your things and leave.

You're still here.

Yeah, I just...

I got distracted
by your chessboard.

It's beautiful.

But I never understood the castle thing.

How does that work exactly?

Look it up on the Internet.

Look.

Someone even more annoying than you.

When she gets tired of ringing
and leaves, get out.

If you go now,
she'll think you're letting her in.

You're kicking me out?

No, I already did,
but you don't seem to get it.

Is she a close friend?

A friend. No, a decorator.

The daughter of a shareholder.
She insists on redecorating

my house. She drives me nuts
just to change a curtain.

Fabric samples, a moodboard...

No.

No, no, no, no.

Shit!

Daniel ita!

Hi.

Hi!

Hi.

I'm Carolina Valle de Tejada.

-How are you?
-Great. I'm Isabel.

Isabel Guardians of the Dark Tower.

It's compound.

Daniela asked me to advise
the remodeling job.

Are you an interior designer?

No, I'm her friend.

Very close. The typical friend

who says: "Daniela, I don't see it."

And she decides not to remodel.

I trust anything she says.

If you want, I'll show you
what we have in mind.

Sure, I'll follow you.

Come on.

And here we have the gym.

What a pretty gym.

-We don't want it.
-Oh, no, you're right. Gone.

You've seen Daniela's body.

Well, spectacular.

So what were you thinking of doing?

A sadomasochistic dungeon.

But not just any dungeon.
The dungeon.

Yeah, I want something very sordid.

That when you walk in,
it shouts "torture.

Maybe the word is "medieval.'

Yeah, exactly. Medieval.

You're right, since the room
is completely isolated,

it doesn't need to match
the rest of the house. No problem.

Perfect. Look, here we wanted to put

some shackles.

You know what I mean.

And here a whipping area.

Here a swing,
a swing is always nice.

And maybe the rack in the middle.

No, the rack not here because I want it
next to the drill.

Interesting.

What do you think?

It's possible.

But don't hold back.
I want you to contribute,

to be creative. When the dungeon
is finished,

I want you to feel like it's yours.

Okay, I'll have to do a little...

research.

Here. Choose a fabric
for the whip cabinet.

Okay.

I'll send you a moodboard
for inspiration.

No, I know the subject.

Thanks.

-That was actually...
-Fun?

Yeah. It was fun.

And that's when you kiss her.

What? No.

How could you let a chance
like this get away?

You can't just jump in like that.
You have to let these things breathe.

If it were up to you, I'd still be telling her
about Rothko paintings.

And who got her phone number?

-You want a medal?
-Yes.

You haven't seen her again.

Or called or written.
We need to attack.

I'll send her a WhatsApp.

We need to be subtle.
She has to see you thought

about her, but not seem desperate.

We need something you have in common
and make a random reference, then...

Hey, you can stop mansplaining.

I just wrote her.

"Hey, homegirl?" Three emoticons?
You really sent this to my sister?

Sure.

HI!!!

"What a laugh the other day."

Castle emoticon, shield emoticon,

chains emoticon,
crying of laughter emoticon.

What do you say?

Send.

She's not answering.

Maybe she hasn't seen it yet.

Sir.

Miss Daniela is coming in.

Shit, you have to hide.

Where?

Where? This place is too transparent.

Of course, you couldn't

-not have a panic room.
-Yes, yes, yes.

The shareholder meeting
is in 2 weeks

and still no feedback
on my viability plan.

Ask the factories you want to close
for feedback.

No, I'll ask the people who won't lose
their jobs thanks to a smart company plan.

No, why don't you ask...?

Shit.

And, finally, here. I spoke to San Sebastian
and we're merging the two factories.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

-Are you writing someone?
-No.

You just sent a message, I saw you.
Why deny it?

Someone special? Someone you like?

You don't understand
how interrogation works.

The one getting tortured
doesn't ask the questions!

You're impossible to talk to.

But I didn't say anything.

-Who is it? Do I know him?
-We'd better stop here.

We'll finish tomorrow.

Why are you so upset now?

What have you got there?

Me? Nothing.

Isabel...

Everything in this room is important.

What did you take?

What would a bathroom have cost?

What did you talk about?
Where's my phone? Did she answer?

Company stuff.
I have it and she answered.

What did she say?

Laughter, demon and bat emoticons.
Do lesbians talk?

You took too long to answer.
She's probably annoyed, we need to act.

-I can call her.
-No.

That's a little desperate. Something classy.
Like in romantic comedies...

-I'm calling her.
-What will you say?

I'll make something up.
Something funny.

Hi, Daniela. What's up?
Yeah, it's Isabel.

-I wanted to invite you to...
-A private gallery for collectors.

To a party.

I know it's short notice,
but it's tonight.

She hates parties.

You'd love to. I knew it.

Yeah, it will be cool.
Bring friends if you want.

Well, not the interior designer.

It's my birthday. Yeah, thanks.
I'm celebrating at...

The Casino, Ritz, Palace...

I'll send you the address,
time and everything.

Perfect, that's awesome.
Okay, see you later. Bye.

She's coming.

-To a party that doesn't exist?
-We'll improvise.

-What will you wear?
-Don't start.

-When, where, with who?
-At my apartment.

Your apartment?

I'm the best at improvising parties.
I invite cool people,

we buy drinks,
put on groovy playlists...

It'll be perfect.

This is your party?

This is your party?

Things get going later,
when people start drinking...

It still has to get dark.

Everything looks much cooler
in the dark.

Cooler. This isn't a party,
it's a student drunkfest.

What, you want me to make gin tonics
with bonsai leaves?

Do you love music from the 90's?

-What is that?
-What?

-Or the 80's?
-A Spotify ad?

Now, with Spotify Premium...

Am I hearing a Spotify ad?

Am I hearing a Spotify ad

as background music
in the party to seduce my sister?

Okay, the gentleman has Spotify Premium.

The gentleman has Spotify stock, okay?

I have to do everything myself.

Mayte, plan B.

Remember, this is the most amazing
party you've ever been to.

Let the conversations flow.
You all worship

-the host.
-What's up?

Actors, listen up.

Have you warmed up?

One second.

Remember,

this is the party.

You wouldn't trade it
to work in a movie

by Almodóvar with the typical slum role
you'd get a Goya for.

DJ!

Everyone dance!

Hey, there does seem to be
a little more ambiance now.

Can I keep the furniture?

Thanks for wearing the dress.
You look great.

You're not going to make a joke?

No.

I don't know what to do.

Should I go?

No, maybe not...

It might be too early.

Stay. We'll close the bar,

drink, smoke,

talk...

Lots of customers like to share
a moment with their favorite barman.

Some of them even,

when we get a little tipsy,
come with me to Jacqueline's.

We shout her name
so she'll know I'm still waiting for her.

Then we have to run away

because the police show up.

But that only happened one time.

Or several.

But not many.

-That's your second.
-They're really good.

Don't get too carried away.

We have an organized plan

to impress,

enchant, and finally, with that gift for gab
the devil gave you, seduce.

Look.

Maybe I should hang out with her

-for a month and get to know her.
-No.

I know this will sound like
mansplaining,

but I have an infallible trick
to know if a girl is interested or not.

Surprise me.

Act bored and say "Let's go to the kitchen."
Since there's a crowd,

you take her hand,
to not lose her.

But you intertwine your fingers

like this.

That's how you know
if you can kiss her or not.

If she finds an excuse to let go,
no chance.

But if she doesn't let go...

That's your trick?
It's like a teenager

flirting in an afternoon disco.

What's wrong?

My sister just walked in.

Daniela! How nice!

I'm so glad you came.

Me too.

Nice party, huh?

Yeah. It was going to be small,
but you get carried away and...

Let's get a drink. Waiter!

Thanks.

Cheers. To my... birthday.

Let's dance.

-Touch it.
-I don't want to.

Touch it with your hand.

No.

-Roberto.
-You're leaving?

No, no. We brought the solution
for the party.

Ice.

Thanks, but there's plenty.
I left you outfits in the bedroom.

Good lord, always obsessed
with make-overs...

How's your plan going?

Great, like all my plans.
I left Isabel having fun with my sister.

isa is a lot of fun.

Like me. We're identical.
Like twin sisters.

But I'm not a dyke.

Right.

Roberto.

What's this on your hand?

Oh, yeah. My phone number.

Bye.

What a party!

I haven't had this much fun
since the Feroz Awards.

I haven't had this much fun
since the Goyas.

Hey, now. I haven't had this much fun
since the Oscars.

Do you want a tour of my place?

Will you start with
the sadomasochistic dungeon?

How did you know?

And this is the bedroom area.

Great.

Yeah. This is mine.

-Very nice.
-Right? I knew you'd... love it.

I didn't know you like
abstract expressionism.

Yeah, I love it.

Rothko, especially Rothko.

Rothko is wonderful.

It moves me.

It moves me. Rothko moves.

-You like impressionism too.
-Yeah.

Impressionism impresses me.

Stay back!

I'm fucking sick of this shit.

Fuck this party bulishit.

What's wrong?

The crazy neighbor
pepper sprayed Jose.

Always the same.
People have to work.

I have to get up at 7 AM to go...

-It's no big deal...
-Bullshit!

Look, either you shut this down

-or I go spray crazy.
-Calm down.

I am calm!

Drop the spray, please.

I love violence.

We're going to put things
into perspective, okay?

This is relatively quiet party

with relatively elegant people.
You entered private property

and assaulted someone.
If we call the police,

who will get the fine?

-I will.
-Exactly. So don't you think it's better

to just leave quietly? And we,

to show our good will,
will lower the music. Correct?

Correct.

Very good. Now get your things

and leave.

What clouds your mind tonight?

Isabel and my sister are about to hook up
at a party right now.

My plan is working.

And you know the worst part?

I can't stop thinking that when
this job is over, I won't see Isabel anymore.

The rhino always goes
to the lair of the hedgehog.

I really don't follow.

Let it rest, tomorrow it will make sense.

What have I become, Yuma?

I'm surrounded by women
who desire me. No surprise.

And who am I obsessed with?
A lesbian. The only one I can't have.

I won't settle for an Amazon princess
like last year.

No. It has to be a lesbian.

What about tomorrow?
What will I need

to stay in the game?
An extraterrestrial?

How far does this escalate, Yuma?

There's an old saying that can
illuminate you at times like this.

I'm listening, I'm ready.

One nail drives out another.

Really, Yuma?

That's your advice?
To sleep with someone else?

It's 3 in the morning.

I really don't need any ice.

It was just a karate hold.

Just in case.

You're a karate machine.

I studied martial arts
for personal defense in Okinawa.

Really?

No.

But I have a personal trainer who says
karate is the new yoga. And I've gotten into it.

I wish I knew karate.

I'll teach you anytime.

Daniela!

Isabelita, Isabelita...

You and Ineedtotalk.

Yeah, especially me, right?

And you said: "Should I invite her
to brunch or kidnap her?"

Look, I didn't want things to go this far.

But my analysts insist
that it's the only way.

And the army taught me that
the ends always justify the means,

no matter how ruthless they may be.

Well, they won't be so ruthless.

Anything necessary.

If they were, you wouldn't have
tried to make your office

-look like a hideout.
-What office?

I see your desk from here.

You have a photo with
the Defense Minister.

-And a signed framed Rambo poster?
-That's enough!

Listen to me, Isabel.

I'm going to make you an offer
you can't refuse.

We'll see, I refuse a lot of things.

I'm not going to offer you money.

I'm going to offer you

a lot of money.

A pornographic amount.

A check with so many zeros
it will look like your school grades.

There's a little problem
you haven't thought of.

I'm not much for reading contracts,
in general.

When I buy on the Internet and I get
"Do you accept the conditions?"

I always scroll down to accept."

But Alexia said: "You'll get conned,
it's the first time

you're prostituting yourself,
do it right..."

So I read the contract your brother gave me.

And I perfectly remember
a very specific clause

that anticipated you offering money.
So,

unless you travel to the past
and stop me from signing that contract,

my hands are tied.

Never better said.

Well?

Can I go now? Pablo Escobar
is kidnapping me at 7:30.

Will you untie me?

Yeah. It'll take a second,
it's a sailor's knot.

What are you doing here?

Well, yesterday...
When I was leaving...

Good morning.
You disappeared last night.

-Staying for breakfast?
-No, I have a meeting.

Come on, you're the boss.
I'm sure you can be late.

He said he can't.

I have to go.
I'll call you later.

What's wrong with you?

Me? Nothing.

-You like Roberto?
-What?

You're the one who likes him.
You slept with him, right?

No. I asked you if you like him.

-Really like.
-How could lit I think he's a fool?

You're the fool when you like someone.

-Isa, you always get like this.
-Look.

Dude!

Why didn't you tell me before?

I wouldn't have slept with him,
he doesn't do it for me.

You can sleep with him
all you want.

-What?
-You're not going to admit it?

It's me. Let's sit down
and talk it over.

We're not going to talk about
a guy right now. I'm too tired.

I got kidnapped, thanks for asking.

Here. I'm going to bed.

With your posh girlfriend
or did she find out you're heterosexual?

I didn't know you also did...

What are you doing exactly?

It's a kind of model of my turbine.

Wow, the famous turbine.

Are you going to make it yourself?

I wish, but my brother has the plans.

I'm trying to see how the materials respond
with my own hands.

And how did my friend respond
with your own hands?

Sorry, but I never talk about
what happens

-in my bedroom.
-That's right.

You worry more about what happens
in your sister's.

Exactly. How did it go?

Badly, how do you think?
Badly.

Did you try to kiss her at least?

Of course I did.
And she took off running.

I shouldn't have listened to you.

Of course you should.

You should always listen to me.

Let's go over every move
from the start.

Okay. I was minding my own business
in the bar where I work

when a nutcase showed up
to offer me the most bizarre job of all time.

Now my apartment looks like
the Prado museum

and I've seen more romantic comedies
than a human being can bear.

I don't know what's wrong,
but we don't have much time.

This turbine my sister doesn't want

to make is the future.
With my turbine,

ships will save so much fuel,
polar bears will line their rugs with my photo.

How nice.

The man who saved the planet
by using women.

What do you mean, using women?

You're using your sister
and you're using me.

-What do you mean?
-You heard me.

It's Daniela. She wants to see me.

Hi.

Hi.

-I'm sorry...
-I'm sorry...

You first.

I'm sorry I left the party like that.

But it was my fault.

I shouldn't have come on
to you like that.

I screwed up.

No, you didn't.

In fact, I really like being with you.

The thing is, for me Madrid

is a little complicated.

Why don't we take a trip somewhere?

How about spending New Year's together?

Great.

Sure. But come to think of it...

Let me check my cell phone

because I might have a gig planned

and I'd have to ask my agent.

Any idea about where to go?

No, but we have the company jet.

We can improvise.

Sure. I was going to propose BlaBlaCar,
but your idea isn't bad.

I'm going to the bathroom.

Daniela wants me to take a vacation
with her.

What a plan! Say no more,
on her private jet.

Who can stop a pigeon in flight...

This is serious. You should have seen
how happy she looked.

I can't keep doing this to her.
I'm going to tell her everything.

Good, tell her.
She doesn't deserve this.

Besides, somebody likes somebody else
and you know it.

What? No, no, no.

Look, I won't tell her.
If I do, no more shows or movies.

My unattainable life dream
in the trash.

Exactly, don't tell her.
It only sucks if she finds out.

If she doesn't, you're just a girl
she liked a lot one time.

Think about how much fun we'll have
on your show. I'll be your co-host or whatever.

-No. I am going to tell her.
-Good.

-No, I won't tell her.
-Wrong.

-Think about late night TV.
-l don't know what to do.

Damn, you're so indecisive.
You're so indecisive

you still have the egg photo
on Twitter.

So indecisive you're still using
the same photo on Twitter.

So indecisive that when you have
an orgasm you go like this:

-"Maybe! Maybe!"
-"Perhaps! Perhaps!"

-Come on, guys.
-"It's possible!"

"I don't know, I don't know!"

Your sister asked me

to take a trip with her.

Isabel is taking a trip with my sister.
Where?

Definitely somewhere romantic.

They'll stroll on the beach,
holding hands, gazing at each other,

drink exotic cocktails
in coconuts with paper umbrellas.

What's wrong with me?

I'm about to win my bet with my brother.

In less than one week, I'll have enough votes
for the turbine. And I don't care.

Help me, Yuma.
What should I do?

I'm madly in love with Isabel.

In love?

Yes, Yuma, yes.

In love.

For the first time in my life.

A horse with mud stripes
is not a zebra.

That's right, Yuma. Very nice.

Follow the horse to the forest and you find
something you have never seen.

Yuma,

I like you a lot, but try to understand...

Isabel isn't a lesbian?

How do you know that?

There are no secrets
for those who listen.

Spying on people again, Yuma?

-Daniela.
-Yes?

I've known you since you were children.

People would say:

"Don't serve them, they're minors."

But I knew you both needed
a father figure.

To me you're the children
Jacqueline took from me.

Jacqueline!

You really make me nervous
when you do that.

Yeah. What I mean is, I can't take
seeing you hurt each other.

I can't just stand around,

accepting your generous tips,

which I spend on Amazon.
And on things I don't need.

I know I'm hurting small businesses,

but it just feels so good
when I click.

Even better when the package arrives.

-That moment of...
-Luis, Luis.

-Click on buy.
-Lu is.

You're raving.

Sorry. That girl isn't who
you think she is, Daniela.

Roberto hired her to win a bet
with your other brother,

the dumb one.

What?

I hate to snitch, but you were getting
too involved with her.

I'm very sorry.

No. Don't feel sorry for me,
feel sorry for them.

They're going to regret it.

How pretty.
You put on lipstick?

No.

I talked to my agent.
I'm free.

Where do you want to take me?

Surprise.

I love surprises.

Right.

-Shall we have a drink?
-No.

First I have an errand to run.

Magnificent.

Fernandito,

Fernandito...

You and Ineedtotalk.

Hi, little sis.

Nice try, but it's obvious that

if you wanted to really hurt me,
you wouldn't

try to make my office
look like a hideout.

The hippie was right,
I can see my desk from here.

This little game didn't work.

You're not scary, you're not scary...

What's this fucking bet
you made with Roberto?

It wasn't me, he started it.

He asked for my vote. I said no,
but then he said

you were easy prey for a gold digger

and less protected
than Poland in ‘39.

And why may I ask

did he hire a girl to seduce me?

The bet was if Roberto got someone
to seduce you, I would give him my vote.

And if he failed?

-What?
-Fernando,

you don't bet without winning something.

Me? What do you mean?

Okay, okay. If Roberto loses,

the army gets his turbine.

The turbine.

What are you doing?

Checking General Patton's date of birth.

Here it is.

Roberto will do anything
for his inventions!

Well, maybe before.

What do you mean?

Remember when we were little, you suspected
the nanny was stealing your clothes

and asked me to put a camera

in the closet and we got her fired?

-Yeah.
-Give that little boy

the spying resources
of the Spanish army.

What do you get?
Well?

Microphones! I bugged Roberto's house.

Good lord, you have so much free time.
So what are you saying with all this?

The professional seducer has seduced
two Allende-Salazars. One on each side.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Hey!

You're not going to untie me?

Sorry, I don't have time.
I'm taking a vacation.

Shit. It's a sailor's knot.

- Roberto?
-Alexia.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Last night was nice, but...

Well, it was nothing to write home about.

Huh?

Look, Roberto. You're probably
not used to hearing this.

You and me, no.

There you go. Bye.

I wanted to talk to Isabel.

Oh, okay. But she just left on a trip
for I don't know how long.

Her backpack was tiny, but you know dykes.

A pair of jeans and 4 Hawaiian shirts
can last them a month.

You can stop lying.
I know she's not a lesbian.

-Well...
-Yes, she is a lesbian!

Very lesbian. Okay, bye.

-Bitch.
-Slut.

Fat ass!

When people think about
a vacation,

they think about the beach.
But here we are

in the mountains.

Exactly what I would have chosen.

This is... cool.

Are you allergic?

Me? No.

Well, to grass, pollen,

pine trees... Green stuff.

Give me your cell phone.
Come on,

the trip is to disconnect.

Skeet shooting with my phone?

No, silly. We're going hunting.

Hunting?

I love the mountains.

Totally. But hunting...

not really.

Right, you're one of those
weird vegetarians.

Weird? No, ovo-lacto vegetarian.

I don't eat meat from
birds or mammals.

Eggs and fish, sometimes.

Don't worry. We won't eat them,
just kill them.

-You're scaring them off.
-Sorry. Yeah, yeah.

Look, look, look.

Go on, it's yours.

Come on!

-What are you waiting for.
-You'd better do it.

I'll totally miss.

It's your prey.

Very good.

Now the deer.

The deer?

Roberto, have you won that stupid
childish bet with your brother yet?

No.

Well, while you were busy with

that bulishit, I got Al Gore and Di Caprio
to join the shareholder meeting on Skype.

Daniela won't believe it.
This guarantees

your turbine. Forget about votes.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, he says!

-Have you got the phone?
-Yeah, here.

Perfect. I programmed a Trojan
in binary code to hack the PIN.

All set.

Wow. You're an expensive hacker,
but very fast.

Well, it doesn't have a PIN.

ISABEL: I think I'm falling
in love with your sister.

I'd like to give this
a chance.

So please stop calling me.

May I, Admiral?

Come in.

At your service, Admiral.

This came for you.

All right.

By the way, Officer,

I'd like to thank you personally

for untying me the other day.

Don't mention it.

I'd also like you to know
that it wasn't what it looked like.

I mean, I'm not exactly sure
what it looked like,

but in any case, it wasn't.
It was what it was and nothing else.

Of course.

Good.

But this says...

What does this say?

That you've been transferred

-to Syria, Admiral.
-What do you mean, Syria?

Syria!

Don't they mean Soria?

Does Syria have a sea?

I'm much more useful here
in an office, right?

-Right?
-I'm sure they need your abilities to...

defend democracy in Europe.

Well, I know that. Tell me about it.
I know I have many talents.

You think I'd be scared to go
to the Middle... Beast?

East! Look, please.

Leave, I have a lot to do.

Yes, sir.

Wouldn't you rather go
hunting again?

I suffer from vertigo.

Really? You don't say.

Maybe we should practice first.

How does this work?

You can't practice this.
You just have to risk it

and jump.

What if you get killed
on the first jump?

That's why it's such an extreme sport.

Because the odds of a deadly accident
are very high.

-Oh, right.
-Come on, Isabel.

Together we can do anything.

That's why it's so great
that we met.

Daniela...

Yes?

There's something I have to tell you.

Don't get shy now.
What, that I'm great.

That you're delighted to be here
and you're having a...

blast.

No.

Well, yeah. Well, no. I mean...

You are great and I love being here.

But I'm not having a blast.

You don't say.

But that's not what I want to tell you.

Well, then?

Your brother hired me to seduce you.

What, you want me to pay you more?

What? No. I just don't want
to keep doing this to you.

It's not right to play
with people's lives.

You would never do that
to your brothers.

I'm so sorry, Daniela.

Too late.

This should have been
much more dramatic.

I thought we were friends, damn it.

I know. I'm so sorry.

Oh, if you're sorry, then fine.

What matters here is that

your conscience is clean.

Daniela, wait!

It's okay.

Daniela.

Wait. Don't leave like this.

Listen to me for a second.

You don't have to forgive me after.

But at least you'll get to see me
humiliate myself.

I'm awful for lying to you like I did.
Really.

You don't deserve it.

Because you're an awesome person.

Awesome.

I would love it if I liked you.

It would all be much easier
if I were into women.

I see those lesbians so empowered

and so free and I say:

"I want that."

But it's not me.

And as a feminist,
I feel truly devotion for pussy.

I bring up the subject

all the time on stage.
But if you say: "Eat one,"

that weirds me out.

Fine, great. All fixed.

I was rethinking my life while you were
disgusted by the thought of being with me.

No, I didn't say disgusted.
I said weirded out.

Something can weird you out
and later it doesn't.

Like oysters, for example.

You see them and say:
"Who was the first lunatic

who said: ‘I'll try that disgusting slime'?".

But actually they're tasty.
I wasn't expecting it, but...

Look, Isabel. What gets me
is having opened up to you

and trusting you and you betrayed me.

What, did you think I was in love with you?

We've seen each other
four times.

No, I know.

Sure.

I liked feeling that I can have fun too.

I want to stop being the uptight bitch
everyone is scared of.

Well,

I do think

you're a little scary.

You almost threw me off a cliff.

I wasn't going to let you jump.

But I would have loved seeing you
vomit from the vertigo.

I want to be your friend, Daniela.

That's why I couldn't keep this shit up.

/ can't promise I'll make it to the end

if the bet doubles with you.

The coin rolled across your skin

and now I'm the one pulling the thread.

FOR DAN IFLA

I know it can't last.

It's an illusion.

When it stops glowing,

get your things and come with me.

We'll draw the edges with salt,

we'll share the glass of wine.

After dinner the three of us will toast.

The truth is an empty glass.

/ know it can't last.

This is not where I belong.

When you see the sign,

get your things...

Thanks.

Thanks?

You're welcome!

Hi, Mayte. Happy New Year.

-Happy New Year?
-Will my brother deign to come to the meeting?

I brought him a gift.

Your brother has left the country.

What?

He left this for you.

What is it, a new tactic to get his way?

Tell him there's no need.

I brought him this.

It's no tactic. He gave you his vote
for the shareholder meeting.

Really?

Really.

Give me a hug! Or not.

The human body amazes me.

Especially Ryan Gosling's.

Bravo, Ryan.

No, seriously.
Isn't the human body amazing?

Besides Ryan's.

We're a perfect machine, we have
an amazing ability to heal ourselves.

I could pick up a knife right now,
cut my face right here...

All by myself my body would join
the flesh,

the skin and create a scab
that would fall off by itself.

We're Terminator 2 without realizing!

But if after a date someone
doesn't answer a WhatsApp...

Your body doesn't know
how to manage that one.

Your body can't manage
a broken heart.

What happened to Terminator 2?

Your body starts doing things
that don't help at all. Like cry.

You cry when you get something in your eye
to get it out, right? Okay.

Your body is being efficient.
But crying while thinking

about your ex?

How does that help?

Is your ex going to come out
of your eye? "I want out!

Like a kidney stone.
That's not going to happen.

Another sense disrupted
when someone dumps you is hearing.

The first thing that happens to me with
a broken heart is my taste in music goes to shit.

You don't know me,
but I have impeccable taste in music.

Not a crack in my Spotify list.

But when someone dumps me,

you start seeing

Pablo Alborán at the bottom.

I don'twantto hear Iggy Pop.
Iggy Pop doesn't help me.

I want to hear "When Love Sets Sail"
by Camela.

Hey, that blonde is looking at you.

-It's rude to point.
-Okay.

-Is she looking at me?
-Yeah.

Poor Danielita Allende-Salazar,
a millionaire who can't buy a gaydar.

A what?

I'll tell you later.

-Bravo. Wonderful.
-Bravo!

-I loved your monologue.
-Thanks.

-It's about your brother.
-What brother?

The crazy soldier, give me a break.

Personally, I think uniforms are sexy.

You like my brother?

No.

-No!
-No?

Yes.

Yes.

Okay, get your things

and come with me.

Come on, I have something to show you.

-She really likes him?
-Yeah.

Alexia, take over the bar.

She's so bossy, I love it.

You can send the move.

CHECK.

ROBERTO: CHECKMATE!
HAHAHA!

I've got it.

I knew he couldn't resist.

I let him win.

Roberto!

Isabel?

I could say you have a thousand
different ways to smile

or how tender you sound when
you speak a hundred miles an hour.

But actually the only thing
I think about when I look at you

is your immense fortune.

Because, after all,
I'm just a girl in front of a boy,

asking him for his credit card PIN.

What?

If I'm joking like this about your money,

it's because I'm nervous.

And scared.

Because I can't find the way to say

that I've fallen in love with you.

Yuma, the ayahuasca isn't working.

You said I'd forget
and I keep seeing her everywhere.

Absurd fantasies where she says
she loves me.

I cant be cured.

Roberto! I'm not a hallucination,
it's me.

Your sister brought me.

Isabel, let me.

Roberto!

Daniela! Daniela, little sis.

I shouldn't have played with your life.
I only ended up playing with mine.

How's that for karma!

And for what? A turbine.

Turbine.

Roberto, your turbine is wonderful.

We'll be manufacturing it in 3 years.

Ma-n u-fac-tu-ring.

- Roberto...
- Roberto.

-Are you okay?
-Yes.

I don't care about the turbine
or anything else.

I only want to be with Isabel.

But that's impossible
because she's "lesbanica."

Her flaming "lesbianation."

Her "lesbianicity."

Isabel isn't a lesbian.

Yuma told me that.

But then she sent me a message
saying

she was in love with you.
Sure, no wonder.

Only a Allende-Salazar can steal a girl
away from another Allende-Salazar.

-I sent that message, you moron.
-What?

-You have to find Isabel.
-Yes, yes, yes.

What are you going to do?

Find her.

And what will you say?

That I knew it the first time I saw her.

And you know how I knew?

How?

Because when I got home,
I jerked off like she said.

There's no need to...

Yes, yes, there is.

But it wasn't sleazy,it was different.

Romantic

With a history.

You imagine all the foreplay.

You touch your pants like this.
You start talking to her,

seducing her.

And when you grab her
and start banging her,

you don't imagine yourself humping her
against the wall and pulling her hair.

Well, yeah.

But only because you know
she likes it rough.

How beautiful!

And there's laughter, kissing,

understanding...
A whole lot of that.

You want to keep jerking off forever.

I did the same thing.

Roberto, maybe you should go over
this speech before you talk to her.

Remember: find

Isabel.

Isabel!

I have to find Isabel to tell her...
something besides jerking off.

Huh?

Isabel?

It's Yuma's.

I couldn't resist.

There's something I have to tell you.

Since the first moment...

Don't talk.

Nothing will be better
than the jerking off story.

Does anyone here read
movie credits?

Do they really expect us
to stay another half an hour

to read?

Oh, chief electrician,
Isalas Ibáñez.

III write that down.
What other movies has he done?

I want to see his filmography.

Seriously, go out for dinner
with people, get a life.

If you want to read,
grab that book

you've been reading for a year.

"It's by Paulo Coelho."
I don't care.

It'll be much more interesting

than reading names of people
you don't know.

It's like being
in the Prado Museum

seeing a painting by Velázquez

and when you leave,

a security guard
comes and says:

"Where are you going?

You're not leaving without
reading the credits, are you?

What are you, uncultured7'

And he turns over the painting

and you have to read
all the names

of anyone
who contributed whatever.

Then there are movies
that split the screen in half

and show a funny scene
on one side

and the credits on the other.

Nobody's going to read them.

Seriously, where you really
need credits is in real life.

Like when you have
a date, for example.

When you set foot in the bar
where you have your first date,

tons of people
have been working

for you in the shadows

and they deserve a little credit.
For example:

Makeup: Contouring for
beginners on Youlube.

Wardrobe: Zara, for the jacket
I bought for the date

which III return tomorrow
like I never used it.

And most importantly,
casting director:

Tinder.

Where was I going with this?

Oh, right. Everyone leave!

You have Paulo Coelho
waiting at home!
-OCR by iJiA@PTer